tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 9, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST
captioning sponsored by cbs ? ? ? >> hlo! hey, up here, up here! hey! all right, merry christmas. season's greetings and all that whatever. yeah, i love i love being a tree angel. you get a great view. itme you know, the cat can't reach you. but i have to tell you, it is not all silver bells and eggnog up here. it is not. for starters, you got me stuck on top of the tree, and these things are like powder kegs. i feel like i'm joan of arc up here. happy holidays, everybody. if you wouldn't mind, when you put me back in the box can you keep me away from the elf in the
>> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, steph welcomes olivia munn martin freeman and comedian tom papa. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! y ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoooo! whoooo! what's that? what's that? >> jon: yeah! ( cheers and applause ) hey! >> stephen: thank you. that's very nice. that's so nice. that's lovely.
stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: wow. thank you so much. thank you, everybody. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) so kind. that's so kind. lovely. thank you so much for chanting my name. it is my favorite christmas carol. ( laughter ) welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. i hope everybody is feeling good, ready for the weekend. there's a lot going on in t world. donald trump is... out there ( laughter ) he's getting rea to break yet another presidential tradition, because this week, we learned that he could become the first president in 150 years who does not have a pet. other than, of course, the rare golden marmot that nests on his head. but a longed time. ( cheers and applause )
but a longtime acquaintance of trump's says she wants to give him a nine-week-old golden doodle. speaking of trump's lapdogs, the republicans control both the house and the senate, and when trump becomes president, they've got some big pns, because mitch mcconnell, senate majority leader and soda shop owner with a dark secret says, "repealing obamacare would be the first item up in the new year." membership, maybe at soul cycle though i'm not sure that mitch mcconnell has a soul. now, republicans have been promising to repeal and replace obamacare for years. and while the repeal appears to be just around the corner, the g.o.p. plans to delay an obamacare replacement for as long as three years. what? what? what? ( laughter ) am i hearing that right? you're going to take healthcare
it later? that's like jumping out of a , plane and knitting your parachute on the way down. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you don't want to do that. >> stephen: this was an exhausting election. but thankfully, it's finally over. is a thing i would love to say. unfortunately, for the good folks in louisiana, they're holding a final runoff election for the u.s. senate a runoff, named because at this point, one more election makes you want to run off a cliff. now runoffs are typically very . in order to raise awareness of this important election our resident louisianian, jon batiste, would like to speak directly to his home state.
okay, listen up, fellow louisianians. i'm going to say this in words we can all understand. it's time for ya moma and dem to make a pass to the voting booth, ya dig? it's no time for com si, com sa. you got to chose between frank ocean and harry connick, jr., lil weezy. let da bon ton roule in da internet and da future is ours, sha! papadeaux breaux bridge bayou tesh, ya hear! voulez-vous coucher avec moi, se su. december 10, if you live in louisiana, speak the language of democracy. go, vote, you heard me! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon. that's true. now, i only caught a little part of what you just said, but i assume it was great. it also gave me a weird craving
speaking of food, the phillies have a stadium nut vendor called the "pistachio girl," who's beloved for antics like this: >> emily youcis is the pistachio girl, they call you. that's right, baby! pistachios! i'm the pistachio girl, that's right. everybody loves the pistachio girl. pistachios! >> stephen: that is my favorite bob seger song of all time. well, fun story: this week, the pistachio girl was fired for being an avowed white nationalist. then why is she selling pistachios? cracker jacks has "cracker" right in the name! ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, that's the natural fit. that's the fit. now, obviously, this is upsetting. this is shocking. no one ever expects a beloved nut vernd to be the type of person-- >> walnuts! oh, yeah!
buyin'! yeah! >> stephen: you guys hear that? it's our beloved "late sho singing walnut boy. ? walnuts! the nuts are back in town! ? i say wal you say nuts, wal ? >> audience: nuts! >> wal! >> audiee: nut >> oh, yeah! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! yeah! stephen, you know it. walnuts, they're the master nut! >> stephen: what? wait, wait, what did you just say? did you say "master nut?" that sounds racist. >> no, no, no, stephen. i believe all people are equal, regardless of race. but i do believe wall nuts are ordained by god as the superior nut. yeah! >> stephen: wait, wait, please stop throwing those. some people might have an
nuts out there? >> that's right, stephen. almonds lack the omega-3 fatty acid of walnuts. also, almonds play loud music and steal. go back to almond land, almonds! get out of town! >> stephen: stop it. i think almondand walnuts are each equally fine nuts. >> what? did you know that the "declaration of independence" was signed on a walnut desk? meanwhile, you can't find a walnut pie anywhere. pecans are stealing all the nut-jobs! ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, walnut boy. i'us your nut-rageous conspiracy theories, okay. we're going to have to let you go. >> you can't silence me! unmix the nuts! unmix the nuts! everybody! unmix the nuts! >> stephen: stop it! no. no one join your stupid chant. we're mixing the nuts. this isn't nutzi germany. >> hey, that's a good one, stephen. i'm going to use that one.
>> stephen: you're fired. you're fired walnut boy. get out of the here. we have a great show for you tonight. olivia munn and martin freeman are here. but first, i'm going to play a little game about donald trump. u can win big money. stick around. (timer beeping) she needs our help! (tea kettle whistling) (sighing) hey mom, can i help? yeah, i'd love your help. (grunting) awww... (announcer vo) the real magic of the holidays is when we all give a little more. hey come quick...
originally brewed for the holidays. enjoyed ever since. stella artois. host one to remember energy is a complex challenge. people want power. and power plants account for more than a third of energy-related carbon emissions. the challenge is to capture the emissions before they're released into the atmosphere. exxonmobil is a leader in carbon capture. our team is working to make this technology better, so it can reduce emissions around the world. that's what we're working on right now. ? energy lives here. ? ?
folks, you're definitely going toment to tune in next week. we have some fantastic guests. mark wahlberg, miranda lambert, liam neeson, john goodman, james franco, neil patrick harris, and and a special performance from the one and only jon batiste and stay human. i didn't know we had such great guests next week. what kind of host are you if you throw a party and you don't show the up >> jon: you got to be the. >> stephen: that's crazy billionaire behavior and i'm not there yet. also next weeks, we might tell some jokes about donald trump. but we'll see. we're learning so much about donald trump and here's the best thing, we're learning things from crump donald trump. he's teaching us. for instance, he's teaching us that there are a lot of things presidents do that we all
to from previous presidents, like the one where you win by getting the most votes. a law. i'm going to explain the difference between a norm and a law in our new segment, "norm or law?" ( cheers and applause ) okay, here's the deal. here's how it works. it's notoo complicated. if i describe something that's a norm, like holding the door for someone at starbucks, you'll hear this: >> "norm!" >> stephen: if instead i describe something that is a law, like not holding someone hostage in starbucks, you'll hear this: ( "law&order" theme ) >> stephen: first up, unlike every other candidate for the past 40 years, donald trump refused to release his tax returns, and we need to see a president's tax returns to know if he's a crook. fun fact, the first president to release his taxes said this: >> i am not a crook.
( laughter ) but is a candidate releasing his tax returnaise norm or a law? >> norm! >> stephen: yes, it's just a norm. and here's the crazy part: while the president doesn't have to release his tax returns, cabinet and subcabinet-level positions are required to submit their tax returns to the senate. so, lower level positions are held to a higher standard than the president. that's like walking into a restaurant bathroom, and the sign says, "all employees must ( laughter ) disturbing. disturbing. ( applause ) next up on "norm or law?," trume president, which is quite an achievement considering several of the first ones had "unpaid farming interns." that's true.
so will trump use the presidency to help his business? previous presidents sold off their investments or put them in something called a blind trust, which i believe is also the slogan on trump's new hat. so, trump's going to do the same because that's the law, right? >> norm! >> stephen: nope, it's just a norm. turns out, "the strict federal rules about financial conflicts of interest do not apply to the president, whose incentive to avoid self-enrichment is simply assumed." yes, it's assumed. and when you assume about trump, it makes an ass out of you and me ( applause ) and, and, i think we know who's grabbing that ass. ( laughter ) but trump's mpanies are all over the world. is there any law stopping foreign governments from throwing business his way to get special treatment, or is it just a norm? ( "law&order "theme.
constitution. them's the big laws. it's called the emoluments clause, which is a fancy word for "bribe." the founders knew that even honest people might betray their values for cash. it's human nature. just like it's human nature to enjoy the great taste of activia yogurt. mmm-mmm-mmm. activia. be right back. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so what about daily intelligence briefings? it's crucial for the commander in chief to be constantly updated on threats around the world, but so far, trump has been opting out of them. that's right, he's just "opting out." donald trump is treating our national security like i treat emails from pottery barn. "stop nuclear proliferation? unsubscribe!"
( cheers and applause ) that yogurt is really good. ( laughter ) so is refusing to be infmed violating a norm or law? >> norm! >> stephen: yep. but don't worry. according to trump advisor kellyanne conway, instead of briefings from the c.i.a., trump gets his information from "a number of sources" including "his personal and on-the-phoneme world leaders." first of all, kellyanne, no one says "over frun." you can say "over 40" or "almost 50," but when you say "over 41," we all know you're trying to make 42 sound bigger. ( laughter ) and there's a reason presidents don't get news about other countries from those countries' leaders. foreign leaders lie. like fidel castro, who, until last week, would not admit that
well, that's it for this edition of "norm or law," but i have a feeling we'll learn a lot more about what's technically legal over the next few years-- for instance, whether we keep the norm that america has laws. we'll be right back with olivia munn. this is pepsi zero sugar. zero sugar. (ooooh) zero calories. (ooooo) but max pepsi taste. (wow) (applause)
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>> hello! >> stephen: olivia munn. >> hello. >> stephen: it's lovely to see you again. >> nice to see you, too. we had an awkward the two kiss -- >> i didn't know whether to do the one kiss or two kiss. >> i don't like the two-kiss. you see people, "i'm european." i'm american. >> stephen: it's in the constitution. only kiss people on the cheek once. >> that's true. were here i had some fun with your mom. >> did you. >> stephen: remember i texted your mom using your phone. >> you did. >> stephen: the last time you were here. and i sent her this text that said-- your mom's name is kim. >> and then later -- >> because you were in fact not engaged. >> i wasot engaged, and-- and
that's what i do. >> but now, she's ver excited because once she saw it on tv, she' convinced that she's very, very famou and she's like, "oh,, you know, every come up to me in oklahoma and say, "oh, i see you--" hey, mom. she thinks-- "everybody come up to me. sometimes it's hard. you know. everybody come up. it's very hard. everybody say hi." yeah, she's having a hard time. it's hard to be a celrity. she willell you. >> steph her best when she goes outside. >> she loves getting texts from you here's my phone. >> stephen: let's do it. >> i like how you thought your fingerprint would work. >> stephen: well, i never know, i never know. >> there it is, "mom." >> stephen: what up, kim? question mark. colbert here. boy, too soon poorly spelled!
>> stephen: it's just transcribing everything we're saying to each other right now. ( laughter ) i'm going to send this to your mother. boy, what i just sent your mother. what up, kim, colbert here, it's poorly spelled, coal. and it's transcribing everything we are saying right now. please apologize your mother for me. >> it's going to come through in a second. i will it here. steph family to a psychic recently? >> my family-- a good friend of mine is theresa craputo. she's the long island medium. i don't know if you've seen her show. she asked me it bring my family on to her show. i said no. my family is great, but they're not supposed to be on tv, i don't think. but especially psychic tv shows because, you know, on those shows they're really wanting big reactions -- >> year, they want emotional moments when they remember
>> they are speaking to people that have passed on. that is amazing! like, they're talking to your dead loved ones and you have to have reactions that are fitting. "oh, my gosh! this is amazing." my family, they're a bunch of intellects and they're very subsued dooud, and even though i told her they wouldn't b agreed great. she insisted. we're doing thing and she goes to my brother first. my brother is johnny spp she john-yawn? does everybody call you john-john? we call him mr. john-john. and nobody would know that. and i was like, "oh, my gosh. we do." and he was like, "yeah." ( laughter ) she's like, "okay." she moves on my 2 my mom. and she said, "i'm feeling like, do you have a necklace? are you wearing a necklace or is there something from a grandmother." i have to say i made the mistake before doing the reading, and i
noaks information. just say yes or no because you have to let them tell you everything. so my mom is sitting there as if she's being interrogated by the explis she's just so reserved. and she said, "do you have a necklace, a thing from a grandmother, a necklace from a grandmother?" and my mother is sitting there. "i don't know. maybe, yeah. i don't know." and she said, "i feel like you-- you don't have a necklace with you?" and my mom is like, "maybe." so at this i have to, like, mediate of medium now. and i said, "mom, it's okay, you can just say yes or no. do you have a necklace or not?" and she said, "yeah." and i said, "where is it?" "over there in my purse." "who is it from?" "your grandma." "so when she was asking if you had a necklace from your grandmother, why didn't you say anything?" and she said, "because i didn't
and i said oh, that was the distinction. >> stephen: your mom is a tough nut to crack. >> she is. i wanted everybody to have a great reaction. shooting it. show, she's legit, i think. tv i said, "mom, isn't that amazing. johnny, she didn't know your name was john-john. mom, how would you know you had on a necklace from your grandma." and she said, "i believe. i feel it." i said i told family on tv. here is my mom. "what are you talking about? are you mad at me?" ( laughter ). >> stephen: just say, "it's stephen colbert's fault." >> let's see what she says back. >> stephen: ask her if she's wearing a watch. ( laughter ) from your great-grandfather. i'm feeling psychic connection. when i go to psychics-- and i've only been a couple times because
( laughter ). >> but you believe. >> stephen: i do not. >> then why did you go. >> stephen: what? i was desperate! a girl broke up with me! this was a long time okay ago. >> okay. >> stephen: i went to a psychic and she got the first three things she asked about me wrong. and i said, "you're right." >> because you're so nice. >> stephen: no, because i didn't want to upset the ju-ju. i thought if she got the first three things right she'd feel i'm willing to believe anything because i'm an adult and i'm a catholic. now, "office christmas party." i have this great-- can you explain this photo to me? shooting "office christmas party." at the end of the day. did you tweet this? >> i instagrammed that. this was my hand after i stabbed it with a ballpoint pen, because kate mckinon told me to do whatever i wanted. >> stephen: this was to keep you from laughing you stabbed
but it was really, really funny. and i was ruining the takes. and at a certain point it's not funny-- at first everyone laughs when you laugh and after a while they think it's annoying. so i had to take a pen and stab my hand underneath to stop from laughing. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> it didn't really work. but i-- i-- have some ifng poisoning now. >> stephen: we have an office christmas party actually coming up a week from thursday, rht? a week from thursday. and we had jason bateman on. >> yeah. >> s same movie, and we invited him to our christmas party. up to the come to our office christmas party? >> yes. is he going, too. >> stephen: if you go. >> i will go.
? let's get ridiculous ? >> is it the hat? >> hey, merry christmas, everybody! talking about the holidays! ? ridiculous the place to be whipped up, flipped, lift ? this is how i roll ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that was good choreography. >> i couldn't watch because my mom was texting. "are you with stephen colbert? if so, tell him i say hi. tell him to be nice to me. i am olivia's mom.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an emmy award-winning actor best known for "the hobbit," the television series "fargo," and as dr. watson on "sherlock." >> how is it going fatherhood. >> good, great, amazing. >> get anything sleep? >> of course, not. >> beck and call of a screaming demanding baby woken up at all hours. must be very different. >> you know how it is. all you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head. >> youwo having a little joke? >> never a word of thanks. can't even tell people's faces apart.
>> you're so clever. >> is it about me? >> i think that really might be it. >> stephen: please welcome martin freeman. >> steph: i was just admiring your jacket backstage. that's fantastic. >> thanks. >> stephen: i like the double-breasted. i like the tailored cut. launch a frigate. >> you better believe it, baby. >> stephen: welcome aboard. >> you're going to pipe me aboard. >> stephen: i will pipe you aboard. >> i'd love you to pipe me. >> stephen: you can say that on cbs. >> we just did. >> stephen: speaking of piping you. this is a great time of year to see martin freeman naked. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: because they keep on the tv-- they're playing "love actually." >> they do, right. >> stephen: last night my wife and i were doing the christmas
actually "on and we looked up and there you are naked. do you ever watch it yourself and go, "god, i'm glorious." >> i only watch that bit. i edit everything else out -- >> it's not a long bit. it's just a short bit. but it's-- ( laughter ) is there going to be a sequel? is there going to be a sequel where we get to see how things are holding up with you and things like that? >> you don't need that. >> stephen: "love eventually." >> "love already?" no, i like the film, though. >> stephen: it's film. it's not big over there? >> it's big there, but it seems to be almost like part of the holiday tradition. >> stephen: it is. "love actually" part of the holiday tradition here? yeah. ( applause ) they'll say anything i tell them to. >> this much power is very dangerous. >> stephen: it is very dangerous happy christmas-- i want to say merry christmas. you guys say happy christmas? >> i used to say merry but now i find myselfying happy
merry or happy? >> i think it's a slight class thing. i think merry is kind of for the masses. and i think middle-class people say happy christmas, i think. i think. >> stephen: because we in america, the only time we say merry is for christmastime. >> there's no other reason for you to say it. >> stephen: no. we don't say merry anything but merry christmas. >> merry meade. like give me a glass of merry meade. it just sounds medieval. >> stephen: we don't say the word "meade "my but that's the kind of thing you might say if you were feeling english. >> stephen: i'll have some merry meade. i'll have a yard of meade. ( laughter ). >> i'd love a meade. >> mmm. i can't remember what we were talking about now. >> who cares? >> stephen: well, the thing that-- i mean, obviously, you know, i'm a huge toll ken fan. >> i didn't know that, no. ( laughter ) i had no idea. tell me again.
>> stephen: mure make me sad. >> i'm so glad you brought that up again because it's been about four seconds since i heard you say something about tolken. i was going to say i'm a huge tolken fan, the thing i like most about your work or did until you became a bitch-- ( laughter ) is sherlock. i'm so excited for the new season. >> thank you. me, too. i think it's potentially, if we haven't meased it up, these three episodes think will be the best ones. they're fantastic. >> stephen: that's hard to believe because they've been fantastic so far. >> really. i'm not saying that to get a pavlovian response from your aclights. i'm saying that for real, like this will be-- i think they're the strongest -- >> are you saying because it's going to be the last season gidon't know. we never know, really. >> stephen: do you ever get-- do you ever get upset that he, benny batch, gets to be the smart one? because you're not-- because
>> stephen: but he's extraordinary. and he often gets cast as like-- >> yes, of course,. >> stephen: the super smart guy. do you were tnk why can't i be the super smart guy? i have been cast is not imbeciles. you know. >> stephen: uh-huh, uh-huh. >> i think it would be a bit much if i insisted that john watton was cleverer than sherlock holmes. >> stephen: just once. he get drunk and you take out. >> i think what you see in the show is the balance of his amazing brain and intellect, which is way beyond anybody else's. what diswrawn brings is he humanizes it and he's able to sort of hold sherlock's hand through life and go, "this is how real people think and this is how stuff works," while sherlock is going off on these amazing fireworks of intellect, john is going, "yeah, but we've got to pay the rent. you realize you just hurt someone's feelings there, "because sherlock doesn't see
stifled emotional life, too. >> yeah, he does. >> stephen: but your fans-- your fans do not have a stifled emotional life-- >> what's a stifled emotional life. >> stephen: a wild e, rotic imagination. there's a fair amount of fan art of watton and holmes, and ambers and ace. have you seen any of that stuff? >> i have done some of them. >> stephen: that could the sequel of "love actually" actually. ian mcclellan has sent you stuff. "i want you to know what's out there." >> when we were in new zealand doing "the hobbit" -- >> what, what? >> why dibring it up. >> stephen: , lord. >> we were doing "the hobbit." he sent me an email of one of these pictures -- it was-- ( cheers ) it was certainly --
>> yeah. >> stephen: oh, my god. i would be so flattered if someone drew my body like that. i would be so happy. >> me, too, yeah. but no, he was just saying, "do you know that this is all going on?" and i did. i did know that was going on. >> stephen: there was a little criticism for one of the season because it implied that the royal family was being blackmailed by a dominatrix, or something like that. >> yeah. >> stephen: "you can't say that about the royal family." do you care about that? or "they're just folks down the road?" >> obviously the answer is i >> sphen: you're a subject. ( laughter ). >> listen, that's nothing compared to what you're going to be in january. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, that's all we have-- that's all we have time for, martin freeman. thank you so much for--
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( applause ) hey, back, everybody. my next guest's new comedy special premiered today on epix. please welcome tom papa! ( cheers and applause ) >> good to see you guys. good job, good job! you did it! you're alive! another day! you made it! not a small thi not a small thing. it's hard being a person, isn't it? ( laughter ) it's hard. all the stuff you've got to do just to take care of you, just the physical maintenance of you. all the brushing and the cleaning and the wiping of you. ( laughter ) it's like you're your own pet.
of their pet very well. they're walking around. their hair's messed up. they don't look like they eat right. just the checklist of stuff you have to do to get out of the house to look somewhat decent. i saw a guy walking down 6th avenue thissing summer, i'm walking the other way, businessman, perfect-- suit, tie, leather shoes, briefcase, perfect glasses, perfect hair, fly open, one testicle out. ( laughter ) just didt check that one box. ( laughter ) just on his way to a meeting. probably on his way back from a meeting. ( laughter ) yeah. that's the other thing-- as an adult, no one tells you. they probably looked him right in the eye in that meeting. "look at this guy. he has no idea. i'm not going to tell him. i've got my own problems. i don't know if i put on deodorant today." no one tells you. you're completely alone. when you're little they tell
put on code rant. brush your teeth." no, you're totally on your own. even your wife or husband won't tell you. you have to talk to yourself all day long, give yourself little pep talks luke a crazy person. "i got my wallet, got my cell phone. okay, i got my keys. okay, going to be a good day, going to be a good day." the only difference between you and a crazy person is they say it out loud on the street. "i got my wallet! got my cell phone! it's going to be a great ( laughter ) you're looking at them, "this guy's nuts. we don't yell like that. no, we don't. we've got our act together. we should get some ice cream." ( laughter ) it's hard. it's hard being a person. even my iphone turned on me. my iphone, my only true friend in the world is now cat georgizing photos on its own. it considers my normal face and
people. ( laughter ) all this technology just to count how many chins i have. ( laughter ) it's a mess. my family a mess. i have a mean girl. i have a mean girl. year, i made a mean girl. yeah. i didn't know they existed. i didn't think i wasoing to make one. i feel guilty, you know. i'm feeding it. ( laughter ) i'm keeping it alive. i give ( laughter ) but what do i do, just cut her off like she's a terrorist? i can't do that. she's my kid. how do i even know how bad she really is. she's my kid. i'm sure at some point hitler's parents must have turned to each other like, "he's a little weird, right?" "yeah, he's weird. he's six. who has that mustache at six." ( laughter ) it's hard. and, look, you'reoing fine.
hard that you're struggling and it's going to get better. no. you're not going to get better. no. i haven't even met you, and i know you're doing fine. this is as good as it gets. be content. right, youee people on tv, fame and money and think, "oh, if i could get like that, then my life would be better." no, you'll be worse. look at the people who have it. they're not happy. brad pitt and angelina breaking up. they're breaking up. good, they deserve it. that was you don't put two perfect people in one marriage and think it's going to work. that is arrogan! too many options. you could be with anyone on the planet. you want your marriage to last, you need a little funny looking in it. ( laughter ) you need to look across the table and think, "where you are going to go?"
seriously. when you're young and stupid you think you want a super model. no, you moron. you don't want some beautiful girl asking to be taken to europe. you want a girl with a crooked eye asking if you've got jumper cables. ye, that's a keeper. thank you guys so much. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: his special, "human mule," is available at epix.com. tom papa, everybody! we'll be right back.