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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 13, 2016 10:35pm-11:32pm CST

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? ? ?ioninsorng spocbs >> stephen: good grief christmas comid dong, anld trump's going to be president. ( ughter ( sighs ). >> ho-h stephen, it can't be that bad. i mean, the country is divided, but in the d, we're all americans! >> stephenwa, you're a american? >>, of course! not like tat easterbunny. he lives on that island with all those huge stone head dilz so does that mean you voted in the election? >> of course, i d. >> stephen: santa, please tell me you didn't votefor trump >> it was the only thing donald
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my hands were tied. >> stephen: but santa,e's t to be o the naughty list. bring coal jobs back and i need kids' socks. crop in the naughty you reallywant to live a rld where the naughty don't get punished? >> stephen: no,just where they dot becomepresidt. ( cheers and applause ) >> it's "the late show with lee daels and music t migues lamber featuring jon batiste and stay human. annow,ive on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's steen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) everybo!
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? ? merry chsts.: goodosee yo >> n: merry chrtm to u! ( applse ) steph: we "the late ow." please sit down, everybody. thank you so much. you're very kind. wh a lovely night. whata lovely crowd. how i feeling the holidays. welcome tothe late show." i'myo hosttephen colbert. loof exciting revations g th r cabinetho dond trump ismt potion you ow how theye got the cameras at trump towers andng tn out. it's likea detective show or something ke tha >> jonye: , like cop. >> stephen: so far 's
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what ( laughter ) and today, today brout the strangest news yet,beca e this morng, the esident-elect met at trump tower with ali kanye w. you can tell it s a high-poweredeeting because kanye wo his formasweatsuit. now, obvious's aly, itecurity risk gathering the two most in t same room.ists ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you can >> stephen: just for security lebouf in an undisosedeep shia location for coinuity o gornment. re they are ending tir meetinwith a bro hug in ontof t
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's called "the deportation of pablo" i'm not sure what cabit position kanye was applying for. which governme agency regulates diamond masks and track pants? >> jon: i'm not sure i haven't fired thatut. stephen: i'll tellou what he's not up for is secretarof state, becaetoday, donal trump chose rex tillerson, exexonmob.e.o. assume from nown, all gas stations are official u.s. embassies, which is perfect for any fugees who are asylum and maybe a slim jim. pick.rson an terestg for one thing, he's an oil man who beeves in clate change.v? well, course he believes i he's fm exxon. they invented it ( laughter ) ( applause ) pre ofownehip. it'sis baby! "it's my baby!" now, some people a ccerned with vladimir putin.ose ties anthey are buddies.
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here he is laughing at one of jokes.s classic knock-knock "orange u glad i dn't poison your family?" ( lauger ) "youill lah now and while tierson admitse and putin "a ve close relationip," he's also said, "i don't agree with everything he's doing." yeah, ll have that one friend who sometimesrinks too mu or dates thwrong person, or aexes crimea.what y gonna do? ( laught of crse, this means that the secretary of state won't be ing to mitt ey, though mney was a lshot from the beginning. afr all,n mahe said this: >>onald trump is a phonya fraud. his promesres worthlesas a degree from trump iv.ersity he's playinghe members of th erican pubc for suckers. >> stephen: i don'know about the american public, but trump certnly played one guy for a sucker, because everybody thought mitt had it inhe
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ncy dinner in manhattan. it was nice. theyad frolegs in a reduction of romney's dnity. ( ch and applause ) oh! salty! oh! delicious! but it was all just a trick, because accoinrumpg to t insider roger one, "trump interviewed romney to torture him." that sounds pretty d. but luon theside, if this is ump's idea of tour gitmo "tonight, the torture sommelier recommending a merlot-boarding paired with an ed brie." you don't want to k where eytting the brie. we shouldn't brprised. trump seems like the kind g who feels like o fancy dinner gives him the right tocrew you. and to rub salt--
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wounds because it looks like trump isoing to pick formergove texaor rick perry for secretary of energy.eplacing stanford-educad nuclear physicist and jack of diamonds ernest moniz. good sh. ( lahter ) applause ) so what are perry's alifications to lead the department oergy? ll, for one, hdoes have energy. ? g bless texas the prised land ? >> stephen:wow! ifes half as go as being energy secretarys h i lot of nur waste spls. to be a ughter man, he couldnot lookny
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? ? ? i apologize.i apologize >> jon: thatwas "green acres"? acres." >> sthen: what were th he suld beecreta o why no mitt duringhe campaign, perryon his r ss leto onbe mistake donald trump's candidacy ia caer on nsvatism, anit mucleast be y diagnosed, excised, and disrded. stephen: man, all tho medical procedures sound we sllare. have obam andwhile ( chpplaus) course, who uld ever forget rick perry's most memorable rformance in the and will tell you, it'sbate?
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gone: mmce, education, and what's the trd ehere. let's see... >> you can name the third one? >> the trd agency of government, iou do awa with um,ommerce, and let's e... can't,ird the oni c't rrn0 ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: now, tee words come to : dumb. mother... can't think ofrd the tne. ( cheers and applause )by the wh the way, the department he couldn't remember int thalip,k/ the departmt he wants to get rid-- and this istrue-- it's
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or, as it will soon be known, the department of oops. actually, is ther anything nonpolitical going on? hey, here'sne. are yo guys excite for the movie "rogue one: a star wars story"? comingup? me, too. i'll cla on that one. i'll clap on that one. we, sadly, notrye is excited, because tru supportersre #dumpstarwars. the controversy started when "rogue one" screenwrer eeted, "please note that the pire ia white supremist organization." really? why would a ite supremacis organization put a black guy in charge? ( laughter ) now, the writer deleted the tweet d then apologid for it, but thatidn't appease the dark side of the intnet, because pro-trump "star wars"?$ fans are circulating rumors "that the film was reshot to e an-truincludcenes."
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scenes into a movie thatakes place in another galax try to grab someone by theers wookie? ( laughter ) ( plause ) no. no. wookie. ? ? ? what? ( laughter i'm going to beed t to make that gesturenymore. i'm just talking abt wookie. wh's wrong with you! these rumore please, just, from my heart, please, 2016 has been a rough ride. forw at ard toe end is thetars w ars." so i am begging you, in the nami of kenobi's shimmering ghost,hut upnd let me en joyogue one." can't we just all agree!
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leanin, we all believe our side ithe rel alliance? none goes to see "x-me and roots for the regur humans. and we are the rular humans! ( laughter son it comes to the "star warsmovies, all ericans are the good guys. ok? the democratic coalitions every bit diverse as the cantina band and admiral akbar bearstriking , of course? sojust let it go and move on to christmas. lego of politics and moveon to christmas. i know of pele are fencing up their christmas shpingr starting it. and sometimes finding the perfect gift for your loved one can be tricky. thankfully, our good friends in international diamond
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times are great and threason because she's your best friend and yo true love. presenting the "ever us" two-stone diond collection: new rings, necklacesearrings and bracelets. one diamond for your best friend. one diamonfor your true love >>tephen: yes, a ring with a diamond for your true ve for d one ur best friend. sorry,au i'm gonnneedt diamond back apparently, i'm supposed to give it to my wife. ( laughter so, belie this is e betiful, most possible wa to trick arica in buying even more othing they can't afford yogave her one?] diamon form
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deserves a diamond for being your emergency contact. a diamond foreing your ride homeft thee ctor dilates your pupils. d a diamond for buying stamps. minus two diamondsfor r having seen "die hard." but add adiamond for being the person who watched "westworld" with you and tells you wh's going on. and twoore diamonds t help you forget where diamonds me from. and because she's constantly surprising you witthe way she ves a hot glue gun.xtra diamonds and this christmas buy r the forever times infinity ring. because facet, your kids aren't really coege merial anyway. think about it. ( cheers and alause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. mark wahlberg is here. d when we come back, il get some tngs off my chest. stickund. ? ? ? ( apause )
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! give it up for jon batiste stay human! thank you, sir. cheers, cheers. oh! oh my friends. oh, my friends. welcome back to the show. we're having a fine time tonight. you picked a good one to watch. now, before we go on, i just want to say that i'm a practicing catholic. and i enjoy going to church.
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are ceend of sacred, you know. and what i really miss about going to church is going to confession. so i'd like to take a moment and confess to my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course n! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: these might not technically be sins, but i do feel guilty about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience. my new year's resolution is cancelling the gym membership i got last year.
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audience, audience, one of the wise men in my nativity scene broke, and instead of buying a new one, i relaced him with lego batman. ( laughter ) i do comedy for a living, but i panic whenever i have to pick out my funny screen name at the bowling alley. ( laughter ) steve-pin bowl-bert? ti do something that would make me seem reckless, like get a tatook place of my a.t.m. pin. ( laughter ) sometimes, after i've unloaded my groceries, i just push the empty cart into the parking lot like it's a viking funeral. ( laughter ) i take credit for other people's work. and if i had writers, they'd be pretty pissed. ( laughter )
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sometimes i go to kickboxing gyms, look around, and say really loudly, "sorry, not intense enough for me." ( laughter ) i like to go caroling just so i can judge my neighbors' entrance halls. ( laughter ) i've got a simple recipe for eggnog. it's one part whiskey.... ( laughter ) ( applause ) m gonna make another batch. ( laughter ) i use up all the hot water when i take a shower, but unless it's
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( laughter ) when my kids were growing up, our house didn't have a fireplace, so i told them that santa came out of the dryer. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i told my family i was doing the mannequin challenge, when really i just didn't move off the couch for three hours. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i ate all the popcorn strings that my family put on our christmas tree. i just love string. ( laughter ) i'm a slow typer because i only use two fingers. and they're not mine. ( laughter ) last night, i lost over a pint of blood because i flossed for the first time in two years. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with mark wahlberg. ? ? ? ? ? is that coffee? yea, it's nespresso. i want in.
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? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, welcome back to the show, folking. my first guest tonight is a talented actor and producer. you know him from "boogie nights," "the departed," and "lone survivor." he now stars in "patriots day." >> i know what you're doing there. that's the fence line. you said 2:45? >> correct. >> that's going to be crate&barrel. >> crate and barrel anybody. >> checking crate and barrel.
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the hat has a golf logo, along with the number 3. >> okay. >> 2:42 p.m. whiskey steak house. >> whiskey steakhouse. >> a man wearing aviators. it looks like they know each other. please welcome mark wahlberg! ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> it's nice to meet you. >> stephen: nice to meet another wahlberg, because we had donnie on not that long ago. >> there are a lot of them. >> stephen: for "blue blood" here on cbs. and what a delight your brother is. we really connected. he really raised the wahlberg
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>> wow. >> stephen: fantastic guest. >> well, thank you. i appreciate that. i appreciate that. >> stephen: does he ask about me? does he talk about me? >> didn't mention you at all. >> stephen: didn't mention me at all. >> didn't mention you at all. >> stephen: he said nice things about you. >> i don't believe that, either. being the youngest of nine i got tortured by my brothers and sisters. it's nice we have a good relationship now. >> stephen: did you get beaten up by your brothers? >> until i turned 12nd turned the tables. >> stephen: you beat up your older brothers? >> all of them. >> stephen: that's not allowed. you're the youngest child. you have to respect your elders. >> we would literally be in the champion. and my mother would be like, "what are you doing?" and i said, what what do you think i'm doing? i'm beating him up. and she said in front of his wife and kids. >> stephen: how many boys and how many girls.
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my dad had three or four somewhere else, before us. >> stephen: okay, all right, yeah. do you know where else? >> i met a few of them. >> stephen: another nice. >> i met my brother scott. there are two donnies. >> stephen: two donnies? >> yeah. >> stephen: we should make them fight in a pit. >> yeah. >> stephen: there can be only one. >> well. >> stephen: there can be only one. >> i knew of only one. >> stephen: i'm one of 11 kids. i'm the youngest of 11, eight boys, three girls. >> work very rare. >> stephen: yeah, pretty rare these days. >> common where i come from. >>ph youngest though, right? >> well, when you start to get into your teens. >>un, it was. >> stephen: you got away with a lot. >> well, i did, but then i ended up going to jail. ( laughter ) so that's not good. >> stephen: i guess not. >> my parents spent a lot of time just trying to put food on the table so i was left to my own devices and that was left hanging up on the with the long crowd. >> stephen: my mom, by the time she got to me, "10 fungers, 10 toes, go outside." >> my mom would tell the story
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give birth, he would drop her off, and say pick me up when you're done. and i was sleeping in a chair when my wife was giving birth to our four children. >> stephen: you can name from top to bottom, fast. do you want to race? ( laughter ) i'll do 11 from the top to bottom. and you do your nine. ready. >> you want to go top to bottom or bottom to top. >> stephen: i can only do top to bottom. you can do bottom to top. it doesn't matter to me. whatever you choose. one, two, three, we'll go. one, two, three ... stephen oh! >> you have more. >> stephen: no one's ever beantown me. it doesn't matter. no oneee ever beantown me. congratulations. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: i'm humbled. >> you haven't seen the "ted" movie. i talk really fast. i'm good with names and rapid fire. >> stephen: there are a lot of great movies about boston, and you're in all of them.
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in. >> and the "brink job" was good. >> stephen: when you're in one of the movies about boston and we watch nut movies. we say, "that's a really good boston accent." that makes sense because he's from boston. when the other people talk, too, we go, "wow, they should not be in a scene with mark wahlberg when they're trying that accent. what do you do on set? it's one of the hardest accents to get right. what do you do when you're on set and somebody is completely >> in a movie like this-- in "ted" it's all right. in a movie like this it really relies on its authenticity and accuracy. we would say, "you get one more try, and if not, we will dub you in post." >> stephen: what? >> yeah, or don't do the accent. because it's-- it's-- it's not good when it's bad. he likes to improvise, and a lot of people come in with dialect coaches. they know their lines, and as soon as pete says throw the script out the window and we're going to improvise, people start
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with michelle monaghan, she did a fantastic john on the accent, and we improvised and john goodman does a good accent. other than that we cast boston actors. >> stephen: that brings us to the movie. for "patriots day," for those who don't know, it's about the boston marathon bombing. it's an important story to the nation, but particularly important story to your hometown. where were you when that happened? >> i was actually-- i was not in boston. and then i heard what happened, and i immediately went to boston the next day. and, you know, it was incredible seeing my city like that. it was pretty much deserted and just had such an eerie feeling. boston is such a small place. everybody knows somebody directly affected by this. but what was amazing was how boston responded. not just law enforcement, first responders, everybody came together. you know when those explosion went off, you saw people running immediately towards the problem. people from all walks of life.
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to be a bostonian. and i wanted to share that as well as the other really positive and inspiring stories of the victims and their families and, also, the survivor s. >> stephen: it was-- it was a tragic day and a shock and heartbreaking day. but i think so many people, certainly i watching it, were moved by the response that boston had, how people stepped up in boston. even the people running the race. there were people that day who ran a marathon, and then ran another two miles to a hospital boston was a beautiful place on that terrible day. you-- i understand that you almost didn't make this movie. you weren't sure whether ultimated to be in it. what-- why were you on the fence about doing this? >> well, obviously, it's an exraemly sensitive subject. but, you know, there were three movies being talked about at various stages of development. and they were going to make movies. so i said i'm not going to let somebody else come into my town
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and sensitivity that it deserves because of the amount of violence and carnage it could be something that could become gratuitous and have people be. and peter berg who i did "loan survivor" with and "deep water horizon." and i said i'm going to tell the story and make it right and have people know what "boston strong" means and make my community prou look at what happened in cairo on sunday, and these things just continue to happen all over the world. we have to continue to promote that message that love will always win, and that no matter what happens we'll get back up and we'll hold hands and we'll fight for each other, and that message is important. so-- ( applause ) >> stephen: let me ask you one other thing about boston is that people from there seem like
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other people from there. ( laughter ) like, like-- >> it's surprising that you notice that. >> stephen: is that true? >> absolutely. i don't think there'sver been one good thing written about me in a boston newspaper. the people that matter. you know, for me, being able to turn my life-- i haven't gotten into so much trouble when i was a kid, being able to turn my life around. i had gone to copley high but i didn't go past the ninth dpraid, and that's pro away from the finish line. i was able to go back and get my diploma at 42 and i inspired kids growing up in neighborhoods like that. if i can aomplish what i accomplished there's no reason you can't do anything. you have to put the work in. you have to do the right thing, earn it, and work for it and great things will happen. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. merry christmas. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: have a good holiday. "patriots day" is in theaters december 21. mark waherg, everybody!
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( applause ). >> stephen: come on back! my next guest is an oscar-nominated director, writer, and producer whose works include "precious," "the butler," "empire," and now the new television series, "star." please welcome lee daniels. ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me on the show. stupid. mother. hey. and then i turned to the producer backstage, and said, "that was so well deserved. i said, "is he an actor." and then they told me you were in my favorite tv series. >> stephen: what? >> "strangers with candy." >> stephen: you liked strangers with candy?"
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>> stephen: that means are you mentally ill. the "strangers with candy fans are a little. >> of i could never pull off those leather pants. >> they're not really leath gler they're not really leather? >>hey just look it. >> stephen: they look better on you than they wouldor me. >> you should try it. >> stephen: congratulations. look what you just got. you got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. ( cheers and applause ) that is great. >> know. >> stephen: that is fantastic. what'st because i don't have one-- >> you don't have one. >> stephen: i don't have one, no. >> you gotta get one. >> stephen: what? >> you gotta get one? >.>> stephen: i have to fit in the pants first. >> it is surreal. it really is surreal. you realize-- i felt like lucille ball. i don't know, i felt -- >> like at the chocolate factory? >> i felt like it was sort of surreal that your body of work even-- like i know so many people that are that i think
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>> stephen: how did you celebrate? how did you-- what happens when they-- when you do it? what happens? >> i got drunk. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that part i've done. >> and i'm supposed to not be drinking, but i got drunk. afterwards, at 3:00 in the morning, my boyfriend and i at 3:00 in the morning, i went back to the star because i thought-- i thought this was some, you know,... playing games with me. ( lauger and we start dancing, and i instagrammed it. i was drunk. and i-- and i pull up to these strangers on street and i go, "do you know who lee daniels is? he's got a star on the walk of fame." and they go, yeah, yeah, we know. and they didn't know it was me. and they look back up and go, "hey, you! yes we were gone. but it was fun. >> stephen: wow. >> it's really surreal. it's humbling. it's humbling. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, it's humbling.
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the big hit "empire." >> when i'm tighted because jesse and tray got n.a.a.c.p. image nomination awards today. >> stephen: congratulations. u have the new show "star" coming out on fox. >> uh-oh. >> stephen: they're about hip-hop and the music industry. have you always been a big fan of hip-hop? >> no. >> stephen: no? >> no. >> stephen: because you're now a very-- >> i know, but my-- look, i feel like-- hold on a my-- my music library stops at, like, whitney houston, i guess, a little bounce ayou know what i mean? maybe. and so, so much so, that my kids really told me like you know, timberland is-- i didn't know who timberland was. and my first movie was "monsters ball" and puff daddy interviewed with me, and i didn't know who he was. ( laughter ) he said, mdaniels" --
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off? >> no, he came in solo. it's a casting office. i knew who he was after, because we went on his yacht and he said, "welcome to my world now." i was like, "oh, okay, mr. daddy." ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: mr. daddy. mr. daddy! well, you've written-- you've written a lot of really powerful, beautiful roles for women. what draws you to that? why do you want to these actresses? >> because i think they're smarter than men. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: women are smatter than men? >> yeah. ( laughter ) i mean, you know, not gay men. ( laughter ) but men. there's a hierarchy. >> there's a hierarchy. >> stephen: women, gay men, men. >> no is goes gay merge women, again. >> stephen: oh, okay.
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room are gay men. >> yes, god. >> stephen: i did not know-- i did not know that i was gay. thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) thank you. thank you for letting me know. wow. i was-- i just thought i was a thinker. thank you. >> think that women are far more complicated and i find that they are really interesting and fascinating to write for. so -- >> really? >> yeah. so most of my work comes from crazy cookies and >> stephen: queen latifah is in "star." >> yeah. >> stephen: we have a clip here of another strong woman showing her strength. jim. >> you gaining all that weight, never showing up on time, acting like an amateur. and who paid for fatha? me. my career. and now you're going to come up here and try to derail me again? no. >> you know what? my father always said to me, "you only need three things in life." >> oh, yeah what, did your daddy say?
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bible, your word, and your gun. ( applause ) >> stephen: in 2009, you said, "i am so used to having two faces, a face that i have for black america and a face for white america, when obama became president i lost both faces." what happens now that he's no longer prest you know where you put those faces? ( laughter ) do you-- do you-- you can still keep both of those faces off now that we're going to a different president? >> do we really have to. my god. >> stephen: we really do constitutionally have to go to a new president. >> do we? >> stephen: we do. i checked. >> stupid. mother. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: good luck. >> thank you. >> stephen: "star" premieres tomorrow night on fox. lee daniels, everybody!
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>> stephen: from her new album "the weight of these wings" please welcome miranda lambert. ? ? ? ? i want to know somewhere where nobody goes something about the way i feel when the wheels go round and around and around ? okay.
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rest stop, next stop. caravan like a wild west show ? i don't care singing for your surp, get off one and get on the other. ? daddy was a drifter momma got drunk. and i still don't know where i come from on the map and off the grid with all my friends from
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caravan like a wild west show ? i tonight care as long as they go my way ? singing for your supper, get off one, get on the other. ? we ain't broke down then we ain't doing something right ? we ain't broke down so we ain't going down tonight living like a hippie moving right along to th next big city living like
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? jump off the edge, truck stop, rest stop. ? caravan like a wild west show ? i don't care as long as we go my way ? singing for your supper get off one and get on the other. moving right along to the next big sea ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. miranda lambert, everybody.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be neil patrick harris and megan mullally. now stick around for james corden and his guests, jennifer lawrence and t.j. miller. good night! ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late show

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