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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 14, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm CST

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captioning sponsored by cbs ? ? ? >> santa's coming! >> snt's coming! >> yay! ? ? ? ho ho, ho, merry claimation christmas. >> santa's here! yay! >> hello, billy and susie. >> santa, why do you look so pad? >> well, santa didn't realize how much time it took to do stop-motion animation, but he
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cbs for a novelty holida special. but i digress. here, i bught you presents. this, uh... ball! >> yay, a ball! >> and this... snake! ( laughter ). >> okay. >> wait a minute, give me that snake back. >> hey! >> ho-ho, economic it out. >> it's a christmas miracle! >> it sures d to all a good night. now up the chimney i go! ooooh! that's a tight fit. oops. ( laughter ) merry christmas! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes neil patrick harris
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featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! hey! >> stephen: good to see you! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much. please, sit down. thanks very much. welcome to "late show,"" folks. i am so happy to be here. i'm your host, stephen colbert. you can can tell-- are you
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i'm feeling good this christmastime. almost all my christmas shopping is started. i'm ahead. i'm ahead. you know who's having a good christmas? donald trump. he got what he wanted for christmas-- america. and he's reguesting it to his buddies. he's appointed more people to his cabinet. yesterday, a miller was appointed to be his senior policy adviser. now, we don't know a lot about him. so far, we know he's a picker, a grinner, a lover, and sinner. some people call him maurice.
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during the campaign, stephen miller's job was to "warm up crowds before trump took the stage at rallies." "all right, welcome to the rally. hey, where are you guys from? okay. we're going to deport you back to there." trump's cabinet is really taking shape, and it's important, it takes shape, because there's this thing called the line of succession. it involves most of the cabinet. it goes president, vice president, speaker of the house, secretary of i believe. just kidding, obviously, they're all white. >> jon: hey. >> stephen: it's true, it's true. grimace is a person of color. purple, purple, but still. here's an actual chart for the line of succession. which doubles as the chart of haircuts you can get at the senior center. ( laughter ) now, for those of you concerned with diversity, don't worry. the secretary of agriculture appears to be a black guy. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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don't know much about him. don't know much about him. but he seems very nice. yesterday, donald trump was in wisconsin, hiding from his intelligence briefing, and he surprised the crowd when he talked about how he felt on election night about all the polls that said he would lose. >> i really assumed i lost. i believed these things are supposed to be correct, so i sort of thought i lost, and was okay with it. >> stephen: yes, i was, too. i was okay with that. i was okay with that. >> jon: i saw that, i saw that. i was there, too. >> stephen: that idea did not upset me. then trump shared a very personal moment. >> i go and see my wife. i said, "baby, i tell you what." we're not going to win tonight." >> stephen: that is actually my favorite sinatra song. hit it, johnny! ? baby, we're not gonna win
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? the crooks on the news were right ? it would'a been a thrill to lock up hill ? but, baby, we're not gonna to night ? ( cheers and applause ) a little high. a little high. trump then went on to describe the moment that he realized victory was within his tiny grasp. >> you know, with the map-- bing! bing! bing! boy, that map was gettin' red as hell! that map, that map was bleeding red! >> stephen: wow. the fact that he was shocked on makes me feel closer to donald trump. i didn't know this. it turns out he also would have
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that would have been two of us. a bit of a shocker. point is, we're all still dissecting what happened in this election. jill stein is demanding recounts, and hillary clinton is in the woods re-staging the detes with a dead squirrel. we're going to win this one. one thing that may have tipped the balance was wikileaks releasing thousands of clinton emails obtained by russian hackers. and we just found out how they did it. hillary's campaign chairman, john podesta, a fake warning email telling him he had to change his password, and when the clinton folks clicked on i russian hackers got access to all of his e-mails. i can't believe a trick this obvious took down the most sophisticated campaign in history. that would be like winnng world war ii by luring hitler out of his bunker with a fake lady
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my second favorite sinatra song ? fake lady hitler, goose-stepping into czechoslovakia ? no? no? ? fake lady hitler fake lady hitler ? i like your mustache i'm running towards you ? i'm gonna dash ? >> jon: hey, i like that. >> stephen: it was never released. >> jon: yeah, the deep cut. >> stephen: and it gets even crazier because this hack never would have happened at all, except for one thing: when a podesta aidtried verify if the hacker email was real, another staffer replied, "this is a legitimate email," when he had meant to type that it was an "illegitimate email." so that's it. there it is. the entire election hinged on a typo. it really legitimizes our democracy-- sorry,
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that's a typo. i apologize for that. so now-- so now-- ( applause ) clapping for the end of democracy. ( cheers ) so now tmp is getting ready to move into the white house, and he has announced his first decotion for the oval office-- a letter written to him by president nixon. he is going to mount it on the wall right next to his stuffed head of jeb bush. ( laughter ) now the letter was written-- it's a real "dear donald, i did not see the program, but mrs. nixon told me that you were great on "the donahue show." as you can imagine, she is an expert on politics, and she predicts that whenever you decide to run for office, you will be a winner!" what pollster did pat nixon use, nostradamus? ( laughter ) but little-known fact: that wasn't the only letter nixon sent trump. wet "theate show" have obtained from our contacts deep
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trove of hithertofore-- hithertofore-- hitherto-- unreleased correspondence from president nixon to president trump. these are the nixon trump letters. volume one. let me get into character here. i'm richard nixon! okay. i'm richard nixon. ( laughter ) booinga-booinga. "dear donald, i wasn't watching the tv, but pat tells me that you were excellent on wrestlemania. ( laughter ) i suspect the whole thing is a fraud." fraud. how can the macho man take that many folding chairs to the head? give my best to the hulkster.
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character. >> jon: i see that. "dear donald, i did not see the program, but pat says you were wonderful on 'the fresh prince of bel-air.' just like him, on the playground was where i spent most of my days, chillin' out, maxin', relaxin', all cool. i hope when you run for office, you will use this experience to reach out to afro-americans. please remind them that lincoln was a republican. love, dick." ( laughter ) this is me being casual. "dear donald, pat i have followed your campaign closely. how do you keep getting away with this (bleep)? ( laughter ) i mean-- i mean, leaked recordings sunk my reputation, and you talk about (bleep) and still get
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you got some balls, buddy. sincerely, richard nixon's ghost." ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much. we've got a great show for you tonight. neil patrick harris is here.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! my first guest tonight has a tony and four emmies and a boatload of talent. please welcome, neil patrick harris.
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>> stephen: welcome! >> well done, everybody! >> stephen: isn't that nice? >> what's up! >> stephen: people leap to their feet for neil patrick harris. wait a second! you said you loved me a half an hour ago. congratulations. the laf time i saw you, you had congratulations. >> thank you very much! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's a great achievement. >> it was so fun. >> stephen: tony is where it's at, man. anybody can win an emmy, right? i've got, like, nine of them, right, who's counting. oscars you can win for documentary short subject, and agreement has spoken word. tony you have to bring it live. you can't fake the tony. >> you can't fake the tony. it was super fun and exciting to
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chapter together. >> stephen: it was brief. >> stephen sondheim's "company" at lincoln center. and you were so good. >> stephen: you did a beautiful job and i stood on stage with you. it was fantastic. there is video to prove it. >> that was not true. i was wildly underprepared. and you were so on your game -- >> we were all unprepared. we never rehearsed the show together until we did the show live in front of an audience. it's true. >> now you're just >> stephen: it's what i do for a living. >> i had my script in my hand. i arrived a week later you guys. you were completely off book. you and martha plimton had scenes together, you can kunk-fu scenes together. >> stephen: a lot of sondheim is kung fu. >fu. i just did sinatra, my fend.
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>> stephen: i am out of here! >> no, no, no. no, i'm saying quite the opposite. i'm saying that you have the talent to do a musical, but you have this gig here -- >> it's nice to be on broadway every night. >> if you could do a musical, what would do you? >> stephen: "jesus christ superstar, ." do you know "jesus christ superstar." >> i've heard of it. >> stephen: what would you want? >> fake lady hitler. it's a great show. >> stephen: i'm telling you, lady hitler." would you like to play hitler or fake lady hitler. >> i won a tony fer hedgewick. >> stephen: when you get a tontony can you walk up to any w and say, "i think you have tickets for me. 'hamilton'" is not sold out. how about for my friend, anthony. does he have tickets? you're doing well, and even though, like, you're a big star
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know you're probably rolling in it, you might get a hurt on your budget this christmas because your son, gideon-- you and your husband, david have, two beautiful children, gideon and harper. >> twins. >> stephen: and dpidon has put out a christmas list. this is what its. it says, "1, bounce house." ( laughter ) "2--" and is this what itays-- "life-sized rocket ship." ( cheers and applause ) >> that's what he want s. >> stephen: did this get mailed to santa? >> not just yet. ( laughter ) that's-- that's what he's after. >> stephen: yeah. you live in the city, right? >> we live in the city! we have-- yeah air, brownstown in the city. that's what i said thoim, "where are we supposed to put a life-sized rocket?" >> stephen: is there a chance the rocket will come true? >> it might not be life-sized. but it will-- our daughter,
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machine. >> stephen: that's nice. >> pink? ( laughter ) i get the karaoke part. but does it need to be pink? >> stephen: she-- she is fine with, you know, western gender normative choices. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you are not to judge her for that. >> i don't judge the glirchg do not judge her choices. how she identifies is none of your damn business! >> that's true, that's true. and it's really santa's list. the other thing she asked for life-sized dollhouse for her. ( laughter ). >> stephen: how big was it? we actually have a photo. we have a photo right here. >> she's 48 inches tall. >> stephen: there's you and david and the kids. >> that was halloween. i said, "harper, a life-sized dollhouse is just a house. he's not going to get a hou for you." and she said, "yeah." i said, "what is it with these
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where do we put a life-sized dollhouse that's large enough for you or a person?" and she said, "on the roof. we'll put it on the roof." >> stephen: with the rocket ship. >> so, yeah, it's going to be a late night on the 24th. >> stephen: you and david put ousome incredibly adorable photos of you and the kids. this is your halloween photo, right? >> we do a fun halloween picture every year. >> stephen: do you ever feel like it's going to become an arm's race, like every year there's a cuter one. at some point you're going to peak out. and the kids are going to go, "dad, you totally failed this year. what is going on?" >> i don't worry about that because i just love halloween and i think it's super fun and a great opportunity to put on silly costumes and get scared eye love haunted hows." what i think is going to be tough is when they start dictating what the costumes are going to be. right now we can say, "we have a great idea. this is what we're going to do. old hollywood. see this, her name is marilyn monroe, and you're going to
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monroe." and they're okay with it. but in a year or two they're something else and that's the arms race. >> stephen: they will, absolutely. by the time they become teenagers, you'll be lucky if they talk to you, of course,. >> understood. >> stephen: your costume is, "you two are invisible." and we're going to go have fun. ( laughter ) we've got to take a little brk. don't go no way-- >> don't go no way. >> stephen: don't go away. we'll be right back with more
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( applause ). >> stephen: hey! cheers! we're having a holiday cocktail here right now. >> old fashioned. >> stephen: it's an old fashioned right there. that's my holiday drink, and every day is a holiday. congratulationses -- cheers to you.
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series, "a series of unfortunate events," on netflix. you play-- do i have the right thin here? >> i play count olaf. >> stephen: you play your beloved count olaf. >> daftely count olaf. >> stephen: those are all you. >> yes. the sailor on the left there is captain sham. >> stephen: who is thi lovely creature right there? >> her name is shirley st. ives. >> stephen: which one one of these costumes was harde. it's a log of work. >> sham has a peg leg. you can't see it in that. >> stephen: this guy? he has a peg leg? >> i had to walk around with a peg leg and my leg-- up my butt. so that was hard. shirley had padding, so th was hard. going to the bathroom was tough as shirley. >> stephen: yeah?
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underwear and then hose and then padding and then, like, spanx, to cover it all. you had to put all that on, and then when you had to pee, you had to take it all off and try not to get it everywhere and then you had to get it all back on again. >> stephen: what about this guy? >> stephano. i shaved my head every day for 22 days to do that. >> stephen: we have a clip here of t c their-- >> meeting count olaf for the first time. >> stephen: for the first time. >> this happens friday the 13th of january, all of them on netflix. >> stephen: and they have gone through a series of unfortunate events already. >> their parents perished in a fire and they are sent to the closest living relative which olaf figures out is him because he lives six blocks away. he's not a relative but he figures that is the case.
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? ? ? i am count olaf, a renown actor and your new guardian. you're welcome. >> thank you. >> you're welcome. please, come in. and, mind you, wipe your feet on the mat so you don't track in any mud. and don't forget your enormous fortune. ( cheers and >> villainous. >> stephen: you are a very good villain, but, obviously, people love neil patrick harris. but you enjoy-- ( cheers ) >> stephen: it's true, it's true. i didn't pay them to do that. >> the lovable brand? >> stephen: you are. you are lovable? >> okay. >> stephen: just let them love you. >> all right. >> stephen: but you like being the villain. >> being a villain is super fun you. >> stephen: like spooky things, scary things?
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mansion, and i loved the haunted houses and i loved things that are darker. it's very sonnenfelled, the executive producer, and it's based on kids' books and they were dark in theory and it's fun and you don't often get a chance to play someone who doesn'tk like yourself and just be awful. >> stephen: one of the problems with christmas is that it's not-- it's not scary. it's not a scary holiday. >>tephen: it's not a scary holiday. >> no. >> stephen: but i think you'r could probably make anything-- >> scary? include christmas. >> stephen: including christmas. >> if you don't mind, we have lyrics up here to a classic christmas carol. >> and would like you and i right now to try to make a christmas carol terrifying. >> through song? >> stephen: no, just say it. we could have a little music. >> all right. >> stephen: jim, could we make it a little spookier, scarier.
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( eigh bells ringing ) could you make that a little spookier? thank you. ( laughter ) dashinthrough the snow >> in a one horse open slay. >> o'er the fiel we go >> laughing all the way >> stephen: billions on bob tailsg. >> making spirits bright. >> stephen: what fun it is to laugh and sing.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. oh, myod. you are terrifying! >> i got the shivers. >> stephen: i (bleep) my pant. merry christmas. "a series of unfortunate events" is on netflix january 13. neil patrick harris.
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's an amazing idea. okay, i think i'll go there. get out of here. i don't know what that is.
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folks, i'm very excited about my nextuest. actress best known for her roles in "will & grace" and "parks and recreation." her new movie is "why him?" >> hi sandsome. >> you look great. >> oh, come on. >> no, you do. >> thank you. just getting in the holiday spirit, right? he ate it. >> stephen: please welcome the lovely megan mullally. ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ). >> hi! >> gorgeous! i like what you've done with the place. >> stephen: thank you very much. we dolled it up for the christmastime here. >> coled it up, yeah, thank you.
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how is your christmas shaping up so far? >> oh, so christmasy. i never have time to do anything. we don't have a tree. we're going to take my 95-year-old mother to stee "why him?" >> stephen: and see james franco's butt crack. you guys wento a pretty fun party last night. >> oh, my gosh. >> stephen: was this just last night? >> last night. we took the train to d.c., and we went to the white house christmas party. and-- we -- >> this is outside. necessary like a portico, or something like that. this is inside with the big bow. >> this is before meeting president obama, and after. and so we got to meet president obama. and we had. ( cheers and applause ) we had, had the great good fortune to meet mrs. obama once bere. so we got to speak to her, also, last night.
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going to cry." and nick was like, "no, you're not." so he came up, and -- >> he just came over to you? >> yeah, just me, singled me out of the crowd. strangers in the night. no, i'm note having a love affair with him. ( laughter ) he was coming down a line of people and we happened to be the very last people. and so he shook myand, and he made a joke, and he was charming and amazing. and then i said, "listen, really love you. and we don't want you to go." ( cheers and applause ) yeah. he gave me a hug, and he said, "we're not going anywhere." ( applause ) oh! and he walked out the door, and,
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the cute single tear. i mean bst into wrenching sobs, doubled over. nick had to get out his hanker chief and sort of block me from view because i was embarrassing myself. but, you know, i mean, that's the greatest president and first lady in any of our lifetimes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so far. >> so far gr so far. but we are going to get a new and you already he a working relationship with him. oh, good. oh, yeah. oh, this is perfect. >> stephen: this is the emmys, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: this is the emmys, 2006. there is you with the leader of the free world, doing "green acres." >> yes. >> stephen: there you are? >> see this photo, otherwise known as "my suicide note." >> stephen: but you worked with the guy. is there any chance-- is there any chance-- >> i heard they can be very
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so now it just saves me the trouble. i worked with him. >> stephen: any chance you're going to get a cabinet position? >> do you have a barf bag back there. >> stephen: i have an old fashioned if you'd like that. what was he like to work with? >> oh, dreamy! >> stephen: you know, he's a pro. he's an entertainer. you gotta give him that much. >> you know what i like, he put on an undershirt and held a pitchfork. i have to give him-- no, i'm not giving him any points for anything. sorry! >> stephen: i gotta gotta give him this. i don't think-- i don't think l.b.j. would have done this. i tonight think taft could have pulled this off. >> here's the real story -- >> lincoln could not carry this. >> this is a dumb thing they did on the emmies, called "emmy idol" which "american idol" was the big thing. they had people come on and do songs, different theme songs from shows and we did can the green acres" and i did it as the
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"wilgrace." he really wanted to win it because people were calling in to vote. >> stephen: wait, what? >> he wanted to win it. >> stephen: people were literally calling in to the emmys who see who would win. >> we won it. >> stephen: you're going to win and win and win until you're tired of winning so the next day-- no, wait. here's the grabber. yeah. so the next lady-- he-- i was in my "will & grace" dressing room and the phone rang and it was donald trump. and he said, ", you know, what? weeally needed to win that thing and we did." ( laughter ) "and you were a big part of that, so i just wanted to say that we really needed to win it, and not only did we win it, but i hear we killed them. it was a landslide." ( laughter ) >> stephen: congratulations, congratulations. >> so we did it. >> stephen: wow.
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secretary of agriculture. ( laughter ). >> if he felt that way about-- i have that pitchfork. i have that pitchfork. check this out-- if he inequality way about "emmy idol" how do you think he felt about the presidential election. >> stephen: wow, he probably had to take a cold shower afterwards. ( laughter ) we have to take a little break. we'll be right back with more megan mullally. ? ? ? ( applause ) the perfect gift so let him be a kid again make her sparkle ohl's you'll save a little more with an extra 15% off and earn a little more with kohl's cash so you can give a little more this holiday. kohl's. are you frustrated with how clear windex makes your windows?
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? ? ? ? ? ? ( applause ) >> stephen: we're back with megan mullally. megan, you and bryan cranston, in "why him?," the new film, and you play the parents of the daughtho gets engaged to-- >> james franco. >> stephen: who is a what in nthis? a billionaire. >> he's like a gaming billion air, a silicon valley gamey billionaire, and his first costume, the first day of shooting, was just a pair of pants with a little "b" crack and (bleep). >> stephen: i'm sure we're allowed to say (bleep) on cbs. the holidays are coming up, as
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do you cook? >> no. i like eat! yeah. >> stephen: me, too. >> i really to. it keeps me alive. >> stephen: i'm really-- i'm kind of obsessed with this one show on food network called "chopped." >> everybody loves it. heard about it, never seen it. >> stephen: it's a couple of ingredients and those few ingredients, usually weird, and they have to make a meal out of just those ingredients. we every so often on do a shorter version-- we can't do the whole show. >> yes. >> stephen: it's called smooshed. >> i see where this is going. >> stephen: would you be interested in competing on tonight's episode of "smooshed?" >> i guess i would.
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of course, megan, you can't compete against yourself. you have to compete against a true champion. so please welcome a fierce competitor, your husband, nick offerman. >> what! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nick, thank you so much. plse, ladies and gentlemen. >> they can o. shake it out. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, here we go. here are the rulesu will be given your own basket of mystery ingredients, and y must use every ingredient in the basket in the basket in some way. also available to you is our pa. ingredient i could grab from the supermarket holiday aisle before they threw me out. and also...
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the winner of smooshed wil receive a donation to the charity of his or her choice courtesy of-- and where's my ice cream-- of stephen colbert's americone dream fund. all right. all right. americone dream: i give all the money to charity, so buy it, or you te the children. ( laughter ) megan, you are competing for the southern poverty law center. yes. >> and, nick, you are competing for the americans civil liberties union. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tonight, remember, whoever is victorious civil rights will win tonight. but civil rights will also lose. so, smooshers, let's take a look your mystery ingredients. the ingredients are honey baked
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honey baked, because otherwise it shouldn't bet tha sticky. next, a fruitcake. very few people like fruitca, but remember: yore also allowed to use whatever ingredients you can dig out of the cake. finally, chocolate gelt. there ould be more of those, but the dreidels were loaded. you're a cheater jonah! i will be your sole judge tonight. you will be graded on presentation, transformation of the ingredients, and whether i am willing to put your dish in my mouth. cut, you will be smooshed. are you ready competitors. >> y. >> stephen: are you ready? >> ready. >> stephen: jim, put 60 seconds on the clock, and begin. mega what'your plan? what are you working on? ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm working on a piece of ham -- >> do you have a plan in mind, megan? >> not really. stephen: no plan at all. >> it's going to be delicious, though. >> stephen: nick, what is your plan today? >> i'm going to use the bourbon
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>> stephen: 40 seconds. that is officially-- that is reindeer jerky, by the way. that is reindeer jerky. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: any cultural influences, nick? any cultural influences from your home country? >> this is my family christmas dish. it's callethe devil's mess. >> stephen: all right, megan, how's it going over here, megan? are you feeling the pressure? you have 12 sec clock. >> i'll feeling the burn. i'm feeling, the winning spirit. >> stephen: is five, four, three, two, one. ( buzzer ). >> stephen: freeze! please finish, please finish. >> what did you do? bourbon and -- >> we have come to the end of our competition. >> you have bourbon and -- >> it is time for you to be judged. megan please present your dish.
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it's beautiful. >> thank you. >> stephen: what is it we're looking at today? >> this is something that will fit in your mouth. this is something-- this is something eble, that you can eat. >> stephen: what is it called? >> it is called... the thing you will eat. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm sure it sounds better in french. and did we-- did we remember to put a fork out here? and we did not i will eat it with a knife. >> i have a fork. >> stephen: thank you very much, nick. extra point right there. >> >> we have some ham. we have some of the cranberry cake. we have some crumbled ginger keeks. we have eggnog puree. and popcorn. popcorn is corn. so that's what we have. >> stephen: mmm. mmmm. that is surprisingly... salty. ( laughter ) for something with that much
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that puts you on the naughty list. ( laughter ) nick, what have we got? it's a very close competition. what are you presenting? what do we call this? >> i present the mi, iinuka devs mess. i start with a sho of bourbon. you can use a utensil. ( applause ). >> is that a palette cleanse? >> you want to get one of the devil horns? >horns. >> stephen: oh, the venison is the devil fruitcake, a little venison. mmm. mmm! you go to hell. ( laughter ) thank you so much. ( applause ) that is truly awful. thank you, nick. ( laughter ) that is a truly awful combination. well, chefs, thank you so much for competing. >> thankou. >> stephen: i am-- i a-
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final. >> okay. >> stephen: megan, i'm sorry, you have been smooived. >> oh! cruel! >> stephen: it was-- it was too wet. ( laughter ) >> that what they all say. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: merry christmas, everybody! >> stephen: check out megan in "why him?" opening december 23 and also on stage with nick offerman in "summer of 69: no apostrophe" january 14 in irvine, california. megan mullally and nick offerman
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late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be james franco, michael stipe, and comedian gad elmaleh. now stick around for james corden and his guests, natalie portman and annette bening. n captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready y'all to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? where you come from it's gonna be all right ? it's the late, late sw >> ladies and gentlemen, all the


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