tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 17, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
hey, welcome to "the late show"." >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that's very nice. please, have a seat, everybody. >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." you spoil me. you spoil me. welcome to "the late show." you jon, grace. pleads, welcome. i'm stephen colbert. did you guys watch the westminster dog show this weekend? i love it. it's like the grammys, but with dogs, and less public urination. and yesterday, they announced the best-in-show winner, a german short-haired pointer named c.j. look at that beautiful dog! ( applause ) finally answering the age-old question, "who's a good boy?" ( laughter )
sorry, all other dogs. it's c.j. right now. now, we would have loved to have had c.j. on the show tonight, but he couldn't make it. he was out all night sniffing butt. ( laughter ) that's a tough hangover. but we do have some special guests tonight. see, we are an office that alowlz dogs, which is kind of rare in new york city. and we have some champions of our own that we're very proud of. first up, my producer paul and his dog riley. come on out here! ( applause ) how are you? hey, hey! yeah. okay. riley's looking lovely. riley's looking lovely as ever, paul. so did you guys participate in
>> well, "participate" is a strong word. we were there. >> stephen: what was riley's breed class? >> that would be "none of the above." >> stephen: okay, just beautiful, though, really beautiful dog. i love riley. as a champion, what are riley's greatest strengths? >> she will put anything in her mouth. >> stephen: that's a true story. any weaknesses? >> well, she has matted hair. often gassy. but the judges did give her high marks for her pronounced fatty tumors. >> stephen: and how did she do? how did she score? >> she did not come in last. >> stephen: she did not come in last? >> she did not come in last.
congratulations. we are lucky enough to have the dog who did come in last. please welcome this year's worst in show, dexter, with his owner, my producer barry, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) hi, barry. >> hi. >> stephen: hi. well, dexter is a really fine specimen. ( laughter ) and very happy to see us. i can tell. what kind of breed is dexter? >> dexter is a long-tongued mostly pug. okay. >> stephen: beautiful breed, beautiful breed. so, barry, by coming in dead last, do you feel you guys were robbed? >> no, that seems about right. >> stephen: how old is dexter?
( applause ) >> stephen: which, again, is how old in human years? >> 105. >> stephen: well, you would never know it. now, does dexter's tongue ever go back in? >> it does go in. it just doesn't stay there pause he has no teeth. >> stephen: well, that is a beautiful story, barry, thank you so much. paul, let's go back over to you for a second. why do you think riley outperformed dexter last night? >> i think it's the ability to stand under her own power. ( laughter ) the judges really look for that. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. well, better luck next time, gentlemen. are you guys going to go back next year? >> oh, yeah, we'll go back. we'll give it another shot. >> stephen: barry, next year? >> we're taking it day by day. ( laughter ) ( applause )
prize at westminster, but i have some awards for you. dexter, you win "best in tongue." and, riley, we have the award "most in my office after paul has left, evidently forgetting he has a dog." congratulations to all our winners. dexter, riley, excellent! speaking of "best in show," we have a great one for you tonight. the beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) i can just-- i could just do that all night. i could do it all night. we are very lucky to have a great show for you tonight. the beautiful and talented kate hudson is joining us tonight. i'll also talk with presidential candidate and ohio governor john kasich. and we'll have a performance by
barnett. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hey, that over there, as always, is my friend jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. they are about to push this show off a fun cliff. before they do, one more thing: isis is so low on money, that they've cut back on salary and perks like energy drinks and free snickers bars. oh, no. now they'll be hangry. >> tonight, stephen welcomes. kate hudson. governor john kasich. and a musical performance by
featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! thanks very much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: stop! come on now! what's a man to do. >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: what's a man to do? you know what, folks, thanks so much. i watch the news a lot, i watch the news a lot, and it's becoming increasingly obvious that our politics is a contact
it's mano a mano between people who would deport you if you understand the phrase "mano a mano." the candidates are currently battling it out for the genteel voters of south carolina. my home state. oh, how i miss you! i love you! save me some shrimp! ( laughter ) that's how we all talk down there. i love your peaches! ( laughter ) bernie sanders has been fighting an uphill battle against hillary clinton and donald trump is battling with anyone who makes eye contact with him. which means the only one who's safe is ben carson. and stoking the fires of political discontent is the media. you see, for people on tv
and america is both gluten and and america is both gluten and lactose intolerant. but we don't care. others must suffer for us to have our bloodsport. it's like "the hunger games." no, it's more than that. it's... "hungry for power games." welcome! yes, yes. welcome, citizens, all to the "hungry for power games" ." tributes, assemble! oh, there they are. there they are. vying to be champion of capital city. oh, how their ranks are thinning! the field is getting almost as small as l.g.b.l.t. voters for ted cruz. he's no friend of corridor thee. before i continue, i want to introduce my new co-host, caligula. caligula here, he is like many-- he is like many presidential
when he first appears on the scene, he seems fierce, but first you realize dead on arrival. he's fine, he's fine. now, citizens, when last we met, i neglected to... sorry. my mouth couldn't wait. i have a real-- i have a problem! anyway, i neglected to bid farewell to one of our boldest contestants, former pennsylvania senator and sunday school teacher who assigns homework, rick santorum, who recently announced his withdrawal from the race. of course< as a good catholic, withdrawal is the only method he approves of. no, no, no! as for the rest, last week, they pitched open battle in the arena of new hampshire. sadly, for many tributes, voters in the "live free or die" state
( laughter ) the blood-letting began with new jersey governor and quasimodo's handsome brother, chris christie. ( laughter ) ( applause ) mmm! mmmm! in the granite state, he hosted 76 town halls and attended 180 public events. he really mingled with the people of new hampshire. but, evidently, to know him is to "him? no." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) christie was campaigning on his blunt outspokenness, even adopting the slogan, "telling it like it is." sadly, donald trump stole his thunder by telling it like a nyquil-induced fever dream? but the governor shall not go
because he's being joined by seventh-place finisher, carly fiorina. yes, the voters' reaction to the former hewlett-packard c.e.o. was control-alt-good-bye. oh, carly, we hardly knew-ly! but she bravely stepped down, via facebook post, facebooking, "to young girls and women across the country, i say do not listen to anyone... all right, i won't, then. moving on. sadly, i hear and i aboy. i hear and i obey. but, sadly, not all is fun and games in the "hungry for power games," because tonight, tragically, we must say goodbye to a man who has, from the very beginning, been the frontrunner of last place, former virginia governor jim gilmore. ( laughter ) ( applause ) is that him? is that him? i hope so. he looks good. he looks good.
here i go. the gilmentum has become gilnertia, possibly gilmentia. this one hits home especially hard. for me and caligula here. we thought he was unkillable. after all, gilmore didn't drop out after iowa, where he got a total of 12 votes. they didn't need computers to count his votes. they used doughnuts. but then he went on to surge in new hampshire with 133 votes! that's over 11 times as many. why did you drop out, governor? at that rate, just seven states later, you would have hit ( laughter ) 2.5 billion votes, which is one
hudson. hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often you almost get used to it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. vo: ...takes some getting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! my first guest tonight is a golden globe winning actor and now author. please welcome the lovely kate hudson. ( applause ) >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> it's tight. it's tight. >> stephen: what, outfit? >> yeah, trying to figure it out. okay. >> stephen: well, it looks very nice. very nice. you make it work. you make it work. >> thank you. >> stephen: really, really? can i get you some smelling salts? >> yes, that would be fantastic. >> stephen: i just found out from the research that your middle name is gary. >> my middle name is gary! >> stephen: you're the
gary is a real guy's-guy's name. >> with two "r"s. >> stephen: that's the most feminine form of gary. gary. actually. great. >> because they think it's funny. >> stephen: now, you've got two boys. >> i have two boys. >> stephen: and people i'm >> yes. >> stephen: and you always >> of course, but -- >> but they're getting on. how old are they now? >> well, i have a tween. >> stephen: so you're on the brink of madness. >> i heard someone go, "wow." yeah, it's kind of crazy. >> stephen: a tweep, have you ever gotten to the point where you have to go, "are you grounded! watch your tone." >> first of all, let's start with the fact that i literally five seconds ago was on facetime with his teacher going, "he did what?" >> stephen: wow. >> yeah, so this is my life-- let's start-- he's a great kid. >> stephen: i want to tell you something. >> i love him so much. >> stephen: i want to tell you something. he's going to find out you're
going to go, "she did what?" "she does dwhat?" >> you know, they're your kids. you love them and then you can't stand them sometimes. that's just the truth. i had-- the other day-- and they're boys, too, so they get real rowdy and trying to get them to bed is a whole thing. so i've been starting to do this thing where i read them stories. i'm reading the "grimms fairytales." >> stephen: that's dark stuff. >> but they're into it. they love it. they're jumping on the bed. i'm like, "guys, calm down. let's stop." you do that a couple of times and then you have to raise your shois voice. then it's, "stop! get down! stop it!" it turns into that. and then they do. and then it turns into, like, kicking and things and they're hitting each other. and then i'm like, "guys, guys." and for some reason rider did something to bing and ping started to cry. and i'm going, "bing, stop crying.
and then it's he hit me. and the next thing you know bing is not sick, he's not ill. he just throws up. and i love my bed. like, i love my bed. it's a real thing. >> stephen: it's your haven. >> my sheets, and i had just cleaned my sheets and it's cozy-- he threw up everywhere. and he thought it was hilarious. ( laughter ) and i'm going, "bing, you can't just throw up!" >> stephen: what did his brother do? >> then he threw up because it was so gross. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you live a glamulous life. oh, my god. >> and i was, literally, like, okay. these are the moments that tests as a parent. i was like get-get-get had get out of my room. i was like you're both-- get out. and they're like this. and they start walking out. and i'm sitting there, and it's, like, 9:00 at night now, and i have to clean my bed -- >> you're in a puddle of somebody else's vomit. >> yeah.
you smell your kids' vomit and you sleep in it, and that's what you do as a mother. >> stephen: you are provide ago this is late at night-- you are providing birth control to so many people right now. ( cheers and applause ) with this story. >> you know what? i wouldn't change it for the world. wouldn't change it for the world. >> stephen: and you have a very happy life. >> and i'm still pretty happy. >> stephen: you are "pretty happy." this is your book. there you are. i love the photo on the cover of this book, because you're looking at the photographer like, "how did you get past the rotwiellers? you're not here to steal my hat, are you?" what do you mean "pretty happy?" what does it mean to be "pretty happy?" >> but behind it i'm like, you're kind of cute. >> stephen: that's true. what does pretty happy mean? why do i want to be just pretty happy? >> i think because if we're crazy happy all the time there might be something not right, right? like, life doesn't really work that way. >> stephen: sometimes your
>> right. right. >> stephen: so are you pretty happy? is this really what you're like most of the time? >> i am pretty happy. but i'm a creative person. so i have my peaks and valleys. but i think that for me, it's more about motivating people, mostly women, to kind of look and connect with themselves and get a good paceline to motivate themselves to be sort of healthier mentally and physically. >> stephen: you say you. ( cheers and applause ) >> but, like, to be real about it. >> stephen: be real about it. it says, "healthy ways to love your body." "love" is a strong word. are there healthy ways to like your body. >> yes. >> stephen: my body and i have been together a long time and it's a fine relationship, but the spark is gone. ( laughter ). >>un, i think my book could help you. >> stephen: really! can you, really? >> i do. >> stephen: could guys read this? >> my first-- actually, would
yourself? >> stephen: i would love to connect with myself. >> because i marked a special page. >> stephen: okay, hit me. >> that is-- i made it interactive. so if you're doing it, if you're, like, going to actually do it, it's interactive, meaning this is the first step to changing the rest of your life. >> stephen: okay, what do we do? >> let's start with your drawing board. >> stephen: it's a quiz, it's a quiz. >> it's not a quiz-- there are quizes in here, but it's more like let's see where you're at. >> stephen: i can't fail this? i can't fail this? >> no, there's no failing. >> stephen: no wrong answers here. >> there's no failing. >> stephen: hit me then. >> well, there might be some failing. where are you right now? >> stephen: in my happy place. ( laughter ) okay. >> stephen: interesting. >> interesting. this is sort of like let's start the journey. >> stephen: got it. >> let's start to think about what we're eating, what we're doing, what we're thinking. >> stephen: got it. >> so i just ate... >> stephen: a white castle cake.
>> okay. so you splurged. >> stephen: i can, i splurged. i'm a big star. ( laughter ) >> and after eating-- ( laughter ) after eating i felt... >> stephen: no longer hungry but not happy with myself. ( applause ). >> oh! see, we're getting somewhere. >> stephen: shame. how about shame? is that one of the answers? >> shame is perfect. it's good to be honest with yourself. shame is good. >> stephen: okay. that's a subtitle. "pretty happy: shame is good." okay, great. >> pretty shameful. the last time i exercised was... >> stephen: does-- does eating my castle count? okay. >> no, it doesn't. the last time i had some quiet time to do nothing was... >> stephen: my daughter was
i would say 1994, yeah. ( laughter ). >> okay. we should talk about that. >> stephen: okay. >> i could help you with that. i was-- wait. >> stephen: and still am. >> wait, the last time-- >> stephen: i wasn't sure if you were done with your sentence. yes, uh-huh. >> okay, so the last time-- you already answered it, the last time that you-- you know, had your quiet time. >> stephen: was in 1995,. >> and where you were? >> stephen: i was living in chicago doing improv comedy. >> what were you doing? yourself. >> stephen: like, for my question quiet time? sitting on the coach eating cheetos. ( laughter ). >> yeah. okay. ( laughter ) next -- >> notice wrong answers. >> let's respond to-- you're connecting. you're understanding yourself better. next, let's respond to the
you're feeling emotionally, the awareness of yourself and your surroundings. ready? i am... go deep, go deep. >> stephen: um, um, uh-- i am pretty. ( laughter ) laugh. >> stephen: i am a -- >> i am. >> stephen: i am a sidewalk cheato with a heartful of napalm. >> okay, i feel... >> stephen: i feel? >> i feel-- like right now do how do you feel? >> stephen: i feel "the people v. o.j. simpson: american crime story." >> i think. >> stephen: therefore, i am. give me my analysis in a second. we've got to take a little break here. but we'll be right back with more pretty happy kate hudson. stick around. honey, do you know where my beige socks are?
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( cheers and applause ) you. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with kate hudson. kate, i've got a question for you. we were taking your quiz beforehand. i have some quiz questions for you. let's try this one. when i found out taco bell invented the casalupa, i felt. >> confused. >> stephen: that is the correct answer. i've got a personal question for you. mind if i can ask a personal question? do you use google? do you like google. >> yeah. i-- yeah. >> stephen: i love google. >> i love google. everybody googles. >> stephen: it's like yahoo!, but you use it. and one of my favorite things
mean" feature, where you mispell something. you search for hobo, and it asks, "did you mean hbo." i know which ones i'd rather watch streaming. i like that feature, and i want to try something-- >> i'm a horrible speller. >> stephen: really? here's a computer. i want to try something with you. we're going to search for things and see what google gives us. as we search for things. >> should i just put this on my lap. >> stephen: put it on your lap kate and i are going to play something for the first time we started on "the late show"." "the late show" dild you mern?" we're going to type things into google and see what google things we went. >> we could cue a bieber song like what do you mean >> stephen: probably can't afford to pay for it. do you want to go first? >> yes, i do. i'm going to type in one of my
the new black." and google asks "did you mean "rejected trump campaign slogans?" ( laughter ). >> stephen: that sounds about right. >> kind of what i meant. >> stephen: sounds about right. i'm cooking dinner tomorrow. how about "boneless pork." and google asks, "did you mean erectile dysfunction?" , of course, not. and i'm googling fair friend. ( laughter ) what do you got over there? i'm having friends in town this weekend. so let's search "brunch." google asks, "did you mean $50 omelette orgy?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'd like an invitation if that's okay. speaking of brunch, let's just type in "scones." and google wants to know, "did
raisins in it?" ( laughter ) >> i like scones. >> stephen: you like scones? you have better scones than i do? i'll try another one. if you search for "facebook." google asks, "did you mean google plus?" no, no one ever means google plus. ( applause ). >> okay, i'm going to do another show. because i like the show. i'll try one of my favorite shows "american horror story," and google says... "did you mean the 2016 presidential election?" ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: yes, she did. >> i did. that is very much what i meant. >> stephen: i think what we just did made the audience pretty happy. the book is "pretty happy."
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john kasich. ( applause ) >> stephen: congratulations on coming in second place in new hampshire. >> well, you know, i won in dixville, notch. i beat trump with 60% of the vote. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: but that means three votes to two. okay. >> exactly! >> stephen: what is it about this race? i think rubio was crowing at being in third place in iowa. you're thrilled at being in second place in new hampshire. how is losing winning? >> well, look, nobody-- remember when i was here the last time. not a person had a clue who i was. >> stephen: i knew. they told me right before you walked on. >> exactly. ( applause ) and what happened is new hampshire is a place where you can kind of get on a rocket ship and become known, and it's really-- it's really happened. so i went to south carolina -- >> my home state. >> you know what's interesting
new hampshire and go to south carolina, everything has to change. your message has to change. my message hasn't changed one iota. bringing people together -- >> all right, well, you're-- >> americans -- >> your communications director sent along a little bit of your message here. i can enclaspalate it for a second? running a different campaign than any other candidate. positive. focusing on solving problems. bringing people together, not dividing. saying you can't be positive and win but he's doing. he believes there's hungener america to solve our problems. people in america are responding to it. now that i've said all that you can't. you have to answer my questions now. okay, okay? i've said everything. okay. ( laughter ). >> he missed one, he missed one. >> stephen: what did he mis? >> we need to be americans before we're republicans and democrats to fix the problem. >> stephen: i'll join ow that one. ( applause ) last sunday, last saturday night's debate you said that that debate or these debates have become demolition derbies. but america's the car, right? who could possibly win in a
>> i said there was a demolition derby but my car kept running around the track because i avoided it. stephen, look, people are getting tired of the negative. in new hampshire i took -- >> shut up! got a big laugh. got a big laugh. not tired of it yet. >> but we're not sure they're voting for you over me. >> stephen: that's true. would you vote for me? ( cheers and applause ) that's not fair. that's not fair. trump-- trump-- >> you didn't ask about me. >> stephen: no, no, he's the guy-- would you vote for him? ( cheers ) hey! that's not bad. that's a new york crowd. trump very negative. cruz is very negative. they're doing fine. what do you mean people don't like the negative? >> look, i think people want to know what the solution are. i think they're nervous about their jobs, and they're worried about their kids not having a decent life and the ability to have the kind of life they had. >> stephen: when i listen to the republican debates it sounds like america is just a burning
feel like america is the burning dumpster fire right now. >> the debates are the dumbest things going. ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you why. it's sort of like explain your entire life story in 30 seconds. harry truman couldn't get elected this way. >> stephen: harry truman wasn't elected the first time. >> but he won reelection. but my point sit's sound bites. how are you going to elect a president on the basis of a clever sound bite, especially if the sound bite is designed to attack somebody else. look, let me just tell you so you understand. if i can't win by being fundamentally positive, what's the point in winning? ( cheers and applause ) i mean, ought to win -- >> okay, so what's the positive message? the positive message that i'm hearing so far is that i'm positive. but what's your positive vision for america? >> look, we have to balance budgets, have commonsense regulations. we've got to cut taxes -- >> so some regulation is okay. you're running as a republican
>> look, the republican party is my vehicle. it is not my master. ( cheers and applause ) it has never been. so here's the thing, stephen. >> stephen: boom, boom. i got a mic drop on that one. that's crazy. >> here's the thing. look i was the chairman of the budget committee when we balanced the federal budget. we had four years of a balanced budget. we paid down half a trillion of a national debt. >> stephen: that was under a democratic president. >> that's right. >> stephen: so you can work with a democrat? >> oh, yeah, yeah, you have to. >> stephen: should you be elected president? in the last 330 days you were in office, if a advocacy became open on the supreme court, would you look at the constitution, see the words, "the president shall," and go, "maybe later?" >> i'll tell you what the problem is, as soon as scalia died, it was one minute after his death and the politics started. we are so divided down there. and my approach is this-- i've sailed the president ought to withhold this and we're going to have an election --
>> can i finish? >> stephen: no, probably not. go ahead. >> all i'm saying is it's an opportunity for people to, number one, vote for president, and also have a say on who's going to be on the supreme court. if i were president, just like when i'm governor of ohio, you have to bring people together. and you can't have all this fighting back and forth like we have in washington. look, you can't solve these problems, stephen, social security. you can't solve the border. you can't get the economy growing unless you have some sense of unity. >> stephen: so if you were president and you were president obama, you would say, "i will not appoint anyone." >> no-- we're not going to have this division. because i'm going to spend my time building bridges so we can grow this economy -- >> you said-- you said, if i got this right, you said the president should not appoint anyone unless they could be unanimously approved. >> i said acclaimed-- stephen, look, the president is going to send the nominee up. >> stephen: but no one will be unanimously approved. >> i'm talking about someone the
that's the person we want. >> stephen: we won't even get that with the president. how can we possibly get. ( cheers and applause ). >> look, you're going to have an election-- let me tell you, you're going to have an election now in before we know it the blink of an eye. and that person who is elected president will have the confirmation to appoint whoever they want, and i think it will be a more orderly, lespolitical fight than what we see now. >> stephen: you don't think that presently exists in the constitution when it says, "the president shall appoint." >> no, he can't appoint. he can nominate. and the senate carries out their responsibility. >> stephen: it doesn't say the president can do it if it's not his last year. it says, "the president shall." >> all i'm saying is i'm tired of all the fighting. >> stephen: i'm not fighting with you. >> i'm talking about down there. >> stephen: in south carolina. they like fighting down there. ( laughter ). >> what i want to do is have respect between the parties again. i want them to stop demonizing
to have everybody remember that we have to pull together, in my opinion, with conservative programs to raise the country. diit when i was budget chairman, diit in ohio. and i that's what i want to do and i see the fighting over the judge isn't going to work out. >> stephen: good luck, governor. thank you so much for being here. ohio governor john kasich. my fellow americans... they say we're a nation divided. that's not true.
like paul rudd. everybody loves paul rudd. i didn't know this was going to happen! you know what else everyone loves? emojis. no. beer! that's why we're forming the bud light party. just wait till you see our caucus. we've got the biggest caucus in the country! ooooeeeyyyyy! i'm really inspired right now. america has seen the light... and there's a bud in front of it! sfx: crowd cheers, fireworks sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alec baldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi. baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making a run for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning)
got luck on your side you're saying definitely maybe i'm saying probably no you say you'll sleep when you're dead, i'm scared i'll die in my sleep i guess that's not a bad way to go i wanna go out but i wanna stay home i wanna go out but i wanna stay home why you so eager to please? i wear my heart on my sleeve gets harder in the winter, gotta be a fake or shiver it takes a great deal out of me yes i like hearing your stories but i've heard them all before
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be tea leoni, from hbo's "togetherness", amanda peet, triumph, the insult comic dog and cross-country cyclist, jeffrey tanenhaus. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh