tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 21, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(audience chanting stephen) thank you very much! welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thanks, everybody! thanks so much! (cheers and applause) thanks so much for being here, everybody! thank you! thank you very much! i don't know if you're happy to be here or just clapping to keep warm! i'm stephen colbert. and i am a huge fan of science. it's given us the moon landing , the polio vaccine, heated car seats, you know? (applause) mine has six settings on it. i keep it down to two because i like to cook my ass low and slow. (laughter) (applause)
it's falling right off the bones. don't even need a fork. fantastic. a potato, couple of carrots, amazing. bottle of wine, set for the weekend. but every once in a while, science can be a real buzzkill. just ask pluto, which used to be a planet, or cocaine, which used to be a medicine. the latest thing being ruined by science? spiderman. (audience reacts) i'm going to pretend you're more upset than that. let me try it again. it's spiderman! (audience reacts) yeah, i thought you would be upset. because a new study from cambridge university says that according to their calculations, spiderman should not be able to climb walls. (audience reacts) yeah! yeah. yeah. boo! boo! now, i'm not questioning these scientists' credentials -- i
be a broadway show. but... we didn't listen! (applause) but no wall-climbing? that's one of the main things he does! without that, he just shoots goo and is radioactively guilty about his uncle. according to the study, the largest animal capable of wall climbing is the gecko. and i'm not sure if kirsten dunst wants to kiss one of those upside down. i mean, that's a lot of tongue. anyway, that's what they say. they catch flies with their tongue, see. but scientists say that's the case so obviously spiderman will need a new theme song. spiderman, spiderman, does some of the things a spider can climbing walls, that's in
oh well so much for spiderman (cheers and applause) well, my late show sense is tingling, because we've got a super show for you tonight. (cheers and applause) thank you very much! first, i'll be talking to new golden globe winner christian slater. (cheers and applause) very nice fella. he stars in "mr. robot," a show about hackers trying to take down big corporations. it airs on the usa network... until hackers decide it doesn't. (laughter) then i'll be sitting down with "how i met your mother's"
his new show "mercy street," he plays a civil war doctor. back when the co-pay really was an arm and a leg. (laughter) then we'll have a musical performance from punk icon iggy pop. (cheers and applause) so we're gonna find out if cbs censors male nipples. (laughter) (applause) oh, your ears do not deceive you. (band cue) that is jon batiste and stay human. say hello, everyone! (cheers and applause) they're about to get it started, but before they do, one more thing: jamie foxx rescued a man from a burning car this week. so if you're looking for a way to meet jamie, let's see just how committed you are.
>> stephen: there's an old saying: "the more i know, the more i know that i know nothing." you know who said that? i don't. i think that means i'm a genius. this is "stephen colbert's hot takes!" (cheers and applause) people love hot takes. it's a fan favorite! (cheers and applause) first, the hot takes promise: these are snap judgments i made before i learned the facts -- and then once i learned the facts, didn't change my judgment. like when i saw this graphic and decided it looked like a flaming meteor and not something you set on fire in a bag and leave on an enemy's porch. my first hot take: "sesame street." i've always been a fan of "sesame street." it taught me so much. the alphabet, counting, how to make friends with angry men in
but sadly, i can no longer tell you how to get -- how to get to sesame street, because it's moved. now it's being brought to you by the letters h, b, and o. not surprised. grover has always been full-frontal nude. (laughter) you have to look closely, but it's all there. "sesame street" had to move. sesame street had been operating at a loss for a number of years, in part due to a "dip in licensing revenue from toy makers and dvd sales." at one point, it got so bad that tickle-me elmo had to change his name to "do-anything-to-me-for-twenty- dollars elmo." (applause) really sad. tough city. (laughter) and "sesame street" has changed more than its address. it got gentrified. oscar the grouch has ditched the trash can for a compost bin.
and there's even wifi. what's next? cookie monster's gluten-free? bert and ernie adopt senegalese twins? will the count finally seek treatment for his o.c.d.? "my counting was a displaced desire to control my life! mwa ha ha! one! two! stop me! three! someone get my meds!" my hot take? i don't like it! i'm sorry, "sesame street" -- i never thought i'd say this, but after 45 years, i'm going to stop watching. from now on, i'm gonna learn my colors from "orange is the new black." (applause) next hot take: nature. i love the outdoors. but lately nature has gotten downright weird. i just read that according to the u.s. geological survey, "85% of male smallmouth bass in waters in and around national
northeast have developed eggs where their testes should be." that doesn't seem right. unless you're a smallmouth bass that feels that you were born with fish eggs where your testes should be, in which case, i support your journey. (applause) and just recently one arkansas deer hunter shot what he thought was an eight-point buck, but was actually so much more. >> independence county man bags his first buck of the season. or at least, that's what it looked like on the outside. >> he hunted down an unusual trophy last night: a doe, with antlers. >> didn't have the male parts. they were female parts.
(laughter) >> stephen: i assume by "rack" he means the doe's antlers. though given what's been going on, it's only a matter of time. by the way -- hello. (laughter) by the way -- actually, very attractive. no denying it. by the way, the man who bagged this "transgen-deer" was named "danny beaver." (laughter) (applause) and here's the thing -- very late we heard the name danny beaver and i said, well, obviously, we have to make this graphic to represent that man.
and then when we saw the footage about the story, you get to see what the guy looks like and it's not this, so i said we have to cut the picture of the guy as the man beaver, and i said, no, you have to show it to people. (applause) if i were named danny beaver, i wouldn't want to look like this. maybe this is what he looks like under a full moon. maybe he's a were-beaver. my hot take? i not like! what the hell's going on? is god drunk again? last time that happened, we got the red-lipped batfish. remember this, god? you cannot handle tequila. now, according to scientists, the likely reason for these radical changes is endocrine
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest tonight just won a golden globe and a critic's choice award for his role as the mysterious leader of a clandestine group of computer hackers in the show "mr. robot." >> when you come right down to it at its core, every choice is either a 1 or a zero. you either do something or you don't. you walk out that door, you decided to do nothing. to say no, which means you do not come back. you leave, you are no longer a part of this.
if you stay, you choose the one, you become a yes. you become a one. so i'll ask you again -- are you a one or a zero if >> stephen: please welcome christian slater! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: isn't that nice! they're all ones! >> stephen: everybody's so excited to see christian slater. congratulations on the success
incredible performance. >> thank you (applause) you mind if i ask about the golden globe's? >> not at all. >> stephen: they don't nominate shows like this -- and i'm not angry. (laughter) the funniest thing in the night, maybe there should be one adult in the room. is it a fun evening? >> yes. >> stephen: when you win, obviously. >> that definitely helps. but, no, people go. nobody's taking it too seriously. it's likely fun. they kind of let their hair down. >> stephen: are you sit on a fun table? >> i was sitting with robby malek and the creator of the show. it was the "mr. robot" table, i guess. >> stephen: was it an enormous surprise to you that you won? >> yeah. i mean, you know... (laughter) you never know how those things are going to go, so i had -- you
an acceptance speech because i thought -- i didn't want to be the guy that goes up there and is all hysterical. so i figured out, let me at least do that and also let me work on my loser face, you know. >> stephen: can i see your loser face? >> oh, of course. (applause) >> stephen: that's way more emotion than losers usually show. here's my loser face. say and the winner is -- >> and the winner is jimmy jimmy kimmel! (laughter) >> smile and get through it. >> stephen: as soon as the camera's off, out to the car. (laughter) you had a nice moment are harrison ford.
moment on stage? >> i was sitting at the table and assumed i wasn't going to win because it was a round table, they put me up against the wall, so i had a wall behind me and a tray of desserts right next to me. >> stephen: you were pinned in. >> i was pinned in. it was let's give slater that seat, he's not getting up anyway. (laughter) yeah, so they said my name and il3 said, okay, wow, great. and i got up and made the approach to the stage and you have to weave through all the people and i turned around and the first person i made eye contact with was harrison ford. so i'm, like, hi, harrison... (laughter) wow. so the whole thing was surreal and wonderful. >> stephen: well, congratulations again. (applause) so you are the leader. you are "mr. robot."
clandestine group to hack corporations. a lot of the show is sort of worries about private information becoming public. as somebody who grew up, you were a child star. you grew up in the public eye. do you think the rest of us are babies worrying about our privacy because everything was known about me? >> yeah, pretty much an open book. but, look, nowadays, everybody is sort of under a microscope so much more today than back in the '80s and '90s when i was coming up! (laughter) >> stephen: yeah, mm-hmm. that's weird to say. >> stephen: yeah. we had to fax each other naked pictures of ourselves. >> exactly! yeah, that rugged tone you would hear on the computer... i remember just waiting. >> stephen: are you a technical guy? >> well, after doing the show, i've gotten a little more technical, but when we were
these terms and technology stuff and i had no idea what was going on. >> stephen: really? o i relied a lot on wikipedia and google and i looked up terms and the first scene we had to do was eight page scene we shot at coney island (cheers and applause) yeah. >> stephen: we ship in people from coney island every night just for local color. >> no wonder. it's the best. a great ride. a wonderful place. but, yeah, so we had the scene, and all these technical terms, and i wanted to impress everybody with my extensive knowledge, so i memorized all these terms. because it's an ever evolving thing, by the time we got to shooting the scene, every term i had learned was completely outdated. >> stephen: within writing and shooting? >> within three days. no less than edward snowden praised the show for being more accurate than shows like this normally are.
him, the guy does know something about hacking. >> stephen: he does. who's in charge of making this accurate? >> well, sam ishmel, the creator, and snowden said he was impressed how accurate and current it was. >> stephen: thanks for being on the show. so happy for you and "mr. robot." >> thank you >> stephen: the entire season of "mr. robot" is streaming now. christian slater everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) cheez-it grooves are the perfect union of a cheez-it and a chip. you mean like they got married? umm... i guess... you'd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. oh, it's a lab
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>> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much! the presidential race is really heating up. can you feel it? the iowa caucuses are just 11 days away, which means we're just 12 days away from not talking about iowa for another four years. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: man! we'll miss you, iowa! and with iowa just around the corner, latest polls show donald trump in the lead. (audience booing) >> stephen: you know what? i like him, too. (laughter) you might have to get used to him. but to seal the deal he needs evangelical voters. that's why he went to liberty university-- the largest evangelical college in the world, and wooed the crowd by praising their favorite book. >> i wrote many bestsellers, like "the art of the deal" --
read "the art of the deal" in this room? everybody. i always say, a deep, deep second to the bible. the bible is the best. the bible -- the bible blows it away. >> stephen: yeah, the bible blows it away. deal", then like "fifty shades of grey." they're all good. (laughter) all good books. trump loves the bible so much, he doesn't even need to read it, apparently. because he had a little trouble with the name of one of the books of the bible, second corinthians. >> i hear this is a major theme right here. but two corinthians, right, two corinthians 3:17. that's the whole ball game. "where the spirit of the lord"-- right? "where the spirit of the lord is, there is liberty." is that the one? is that the one you like? >> stephen: yeah!
but here's the deal -- jon, you read the bible. >> jon: yeah, i do. you ever hear anyone call it "two corinthians?" >> jon: never in my life. >> stephen: what is it called? >> jon: second corinthians. >> stephen: that's right, second corinthians. that's like saying the book of job. "we cannot let mexicans come in to our country and steal our book of jobs." (laughter) but the pander express didn't stop there, because while he was at liberty university, trump sat down with the christian broadcast network's david brody, who wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions. >> i'm curious, have you cried before? >> no, i'm not a big crier. i like to get things done. i'm not a big crier. i'm not somebody that goes around crying a lot.
i know plenty of people that cry. they're very good people. but i have not been a big crier. >> stephen: no, not a big crier. nothing can make him cry. not when bambi's mother gets shot. not that cheerio's commercials where the grandpa has to go live with his daughter, and the granddaughter lays out all his favorite kinds of cheerios. (crying) (crying) not the end of "homeward bound: the incredible journey," when the old dog "shadow" falls in the hole and breaks his leg, so he can't climb out, and the other dog says "come on shadow, you can do it, don't lie down, shadow! don't lie down!" (audience reacts) the point is... (laughter) real men don't cry, and donald trump is a real man. how do we know? le. >> at the trump museum he got endorsed by the late actor's daughter.
would be standing by me. >> john wayne would be proud of you now. it's an honor and we love john wayne. >> stephen: that's right with his new-found spirituality, trump has reached with his golden hand through the veil of death and dragged back the endorsement of john wayne. alive! admittedly, it wasn't really john wayne. it was john wayne's daughter in front of a wax statue of john wayne and what appears to be a wax statue of donald trump. (laughter) but for anyone out there who doubts this endorsement, consider this -- if john wayne were alive, he would be an 108-year-old white guy and that sounds like a trump voter to me. (applause) we'll be right back with josh radnor!
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>> you're from a slave-holding family. you're full of surprises, doctor. >> my point being, i know more of these than you do. >> i know right from wrong, and i can tell when i'm talking to somebody who also knows the difference. slavery? it's not our concern. >> isn't it? no, we keep men alive. so what i am asking -- demanding -- is that you see every soldier as equal no matter what side he fights on. >> this is a union facility for union soldiers! >> this is a hospital for sick people! >> stephen: please welcome josh radnor. (cheers and applause) >> wow! i love what you've done with the place.
yeah. >> stephen: brightened it up a little bit. >> yeah. >> stephen: good to see you. thanks for having me. >> stephen: in "mercy street," you play a civil war doctor, which side in. >> well, i'm a union loyalist from a slave-holding family. so it's complicated. >> stephen: which side do you come down on that war, the right side? >> i do, i do. nothing against our southern friends, but i do think they're right. >> stephen: just wanted to make sure how short i should make this interview. (laughter) what is in your doctor's bag? saws and -- >> bone saws, morphine. some people have an issue with the morphine. >> stephen: delicious. morphine? you take one, too. >> they invented heroin to get people off morphine. >> stephen: really. this has not worked throughout history.
>> stephen: how do you train to be a doctor? morphine? i didn't. i talked to some people. (laughter) >> stephen: what are the sort of things you had to learn about being a doctor back then? it really was a lot of chopping off legs. >> it's not like four years in medical school and four years in residency. they could tell you in ten minutes what they knew. >> stephen: what did it take to be a doctor then? >> follow a country doctor around for a few months and then he said, congrats, you're a doctor. you would hear some lectures and they would say, congrats you're a doctor! it wasn't even prestigious. my character brought shame to the family by being a doctor which is not how it is today. >> stephen: no. did anyone in your family want you to become a doctor? >> a lawyer. my father was a doctor.
doctor but i don't have the science for it. >> i don't either. >> stephen: you don't have the science for it? >> i can approximate. i know things about medicine on the show and i always do this with my hand. >> stephen: i'm good at acting like it. >> you have a couple of bone sauce, a few drugs, that's it. >> stephen: that's when men were men and dead at 32. >> that's right! >> stephen: actually, you gave a ted talk -- >> a no -- >> stephen: a ted-type talk in india and it was about spirituality and the way you wanted to use your career to grow spiritually. what does that mean and why does it sound like you're starting a cult? >> because i am. (laughter) no, i'm from the midwest, so i didn't want to come out and be a hollywood, you know, the cliche
>> stephen: what is the cliche of that? >> you know, just someone who reality. people. cliche. >> no, that's "come on in, we made enough for everyone!" meat! (laughter) you came from. >> stephen: where in the midwest, specifically? >> columbus, ohio. >> stephen: why, oh, why did you ever leave ohio? >> because i had to come out for show business. >> stephen: have you been doing this since you were a child? >> no, i started acting in high school musicals when i was in high school. >> stephen: very important. you try to act in high school musicals afterward you will get arrested. >> that's true. >> stephen: josh, thank you so much for being here.
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joshua homme! (cheers and applause) iggy, josh, thanks for being here. you have been performing and first released your album in '69. josh people know you from the queens in the stone age. (cheers and applause) how did you get together? your new album called "post pop depression," no one even knew about it till right now. this is the announcement the project happened. (cheers and applause) this is the band's first public appearance and it's a complete secret. how did you get together? how did it start? >> i proposed to him by text from my flip phone. >> stephen: what did you say? i said -- it's called a rugby because you can drop it and it doesn't break. >> stephen: you just said
>> no, i said i thought maybe we could write something and record it. i didn't want to put it in a box and neither did he. >> stephen: uh-huh. o for me it was, like, don't box it and for me it was like shhh! keep it secret. >> stephen: keep it secret, keep it safe. >> we corresponded by text and prose poem for a while. >> stephen: that's nice. i write poetry. >> stephen: i know. it's a wonderful way to get to know somebody, right? >> stephen: send poetry? >> stephen: i did. we got married. where did you record this? >> joshua tree. >> stephen: thank you, that's how many people live there. easy to keep a secret when there's no one there to tell. it's lovely because you have a chance to sort of make mistakes and figure things out and find
when you make a record, nobody is aware you're doing it, you're kind of making it for each other and you're kind of there to excite and dazzle each other. >> stephen: how long did it take? >> i don't know, i wasn't -- (laughter) three weeks. >> and then after that he did a lot of work making it better through string players. >> stephen: were you living out there? what's iggy like as a roommate? >> it's a wonderful experience to have iggy as a roommate. you know, i'm such a huge fan, and to be a huge fan of iggy and see him in the morning in a kimono is -- (laughter) >> stephen: that is more clothing than is usually associated with him.
something to the imagination, and i've got a really good imagination. >> before i made the trip, my wife was worried about that so she bought me some pa jam mas. she said, you don't want people there seeing you walking around. >> stephen: like footy pa footy pajama? yeah, and french long johns as well. she chose them. and i shared those with gene, the guitar player, so we bonded. he got into my long johns. (laughter) >> stephen: you're often called the godfather of punk. (cheers and applause) that word gets thrown around very casually. punk, punk rock. >> yeah, boy. >> stephen: what do you think it is, or by asking the question, will i never understand?
have you ever noticed in those charles bronson movies where he's going to go wipe out all the bad guys? the bad guys were all skinny, somebody wrote, make 'em punks. in new york city, bad guys are not skinny, they're burly. you have to be burly to be a bad guy. so i kind of feel like punks are a lot of people that just kind of got a bad rap, you know, and couldn't fit in too easily. >> stephen: iggy, you invented crowd surfing. that? >> last tour. last year. (cheers and applause) i don't do it as much as. much? >> no, because i'm all like rubber bands. >> stephen: well, don't snap anything tonight. >> no, everything will be cool. >> stephen: thanks for being here.
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