tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC July 24, 2009 12:05am-1:05am EDT
the teammates and then a call from the first white sox fan, obama. >> i told him he had to buy a big steak dinner for that center fielder white. because he saved that perfect game. that was exciting. somebody just asked me what's more exciting, that or the dow going over 9,000? i promise you, a perfect game. that's big. >> our congratulations to mark buehrle although i have to say cubs all the way. that's just where i'm from. thanks for joining us. good night, america. ica. hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. this is our van driver ed, and that, the palm pre only from sprint. >> you know what i like about the palm pre, jimmy? >> i'm over here, ed. >> i know you are. >> what is it? is it the palm pre's elegant
curves and sleek design? >> no. the combined messaging. >> combined messaging? why, tell us more. >> earlier today, i was sitting in the van texting you, but then i got too darn hot so i went inside and switched from text to instant messenger to google talk and then back again without missing a beat. palm calls this combined messaging. >> that's incredible, ed. >> yeah. the palm pre is my connection to sprint's 3g now network. this phone is what's happening now. >> is that it? >> yeah. i'm going back to the van. >> thank you, ed. >> the palm pre. only from sprint. only on the now network. >> "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes -- not an actor, the van driver, david cassidy and shaun cassidy, music from la roux and katherine heigl. - ( thunder and rain ) - 3 million are using
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>> thank you. that's very nice. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. and let me say for the next hour, i will lend you all the weird things i have been thinking about today. did you watch president obama's press conference last night? [ applause ] well, boring. let me tell you. i know he's our president, i shouldn't say this, but if he loves this healthcare proposal so much why doesn't he marry it? president obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the august recess which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in south america. but the chances of getting a bill done -- a vote on the bill done by august doesn't look good. right now it's being held up in the senate by a group of conservative-leaning democrats called blue dogs. i never heard of this, they're called blue because they're from blue states and dogs because
they roll over for the healthcare lobby. [ laughter ] and also, they eat their own poop. [ laughter ] the president took questions from reporters last night including a gentleman named steve koff of the cleveland plain dealer. >> mr. president -- [ coughing ] -- i'm sorry. could you -- look at me. >> you have got a bad sore throat. >> yeah. >> you see, ironically, his name is cough. >> right. weird. [ laughter ] >> guillermo actually wrote that. [ laughter ] >> good job. >> nice work, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] obama was also asked about the ongoing controversy surrounding henry louis gates. he's the prominent african-american professor who last week he was coming home
from a trip to china and he -- to china. the lock on his house was jammed so he and his driver tried to force the door open and the police came and questioned him and he got upset. the police wound up arresting him and last night, obama said that the cambridge police acted stupidly. that caused controversy. i don't know what happened, and racial profiling is a serious thing, so i thought it wise to my uncle frank, who was a police officer for 30 years. he's here to help law enforcement officials everywhere to help determine if someone is trying to break into his own home. ♪ >> hi, i'm officer uncle frank. it's a common problem, how can you tell if someone is breaking into their own house? follow these simple guidelines. number one, get the person's attention.
hello! number two, ask the person why he's breaking into the house. why are you breaking into the house? >> i -- i forgot my keys. >> oh. number three, ask something that only the owner of the house would know. if this is your house, then what's inside? >> a table, chairs. >> you're right! and that's how you can tell if someone is breaking into their own house. >> come on, old man. >> and remember, officer uncle frank says safety first. >> thank you, officer uncle frank. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. another controversial arrest, this one in baltimore. two little boys were arrested
for stealing a scooter and a go-cart from a neighbor. the parents were upset because the police handcuffed them and brought then to juvenile jail. they're only 7 and 8 years old. this morning, the kids and their parents were on fox and friends to make their case. >> did you steal something out of the neighbor's yard? >> no. >> you did not? because i had read -- i read one story in the battle pore paper that you admitted that you guys had been fiddling around or taking something out of a neighbor's yard? >> tell the truth. tell the truth. >> i did take something. [ laughter ] >> i wish every interview on cable news had the person's mom whispering tell the truth, tell the truth. here in california, our governor, arnold schwarzenegger has announced that the state will hold a garage sale next month to sell state-owned cars and office supplies and he's planning to autograph some of the items himself to raise the value. we are out of money here in
california. i don't know how much this is going to raise for the state, but the governor is going all out with this. >> arnold's gold rush sale, everything must go. staplers, hasta la vista, baby. slightly burned dumbbells, $10. a pair of maria's leg warmers, $8. i've got humvees, hammers, even hummers. it's garage sale, everything must go. go down and buy some stuff, now! we're at located at the corner behind the army & navy store. bennett! [ cheers and applause ] get bennett for a steal. this guy, jon gosselin, you know what guy. he appears to be enjoying his newly single life. after a trip to the french riviera with the 22-year-old
daughter of his wife's plastic surgeon, he's hanging out with a tabloid reporter named katie major. they had lunch with lindsay lohan's dad, michael and one of the real housewives of new york. the terrorists never seem to be around when we need them, do they? [ laughter ] oh, really, all they need is joe jackson to complete the circle. [ laughter ] it would be a reality show called i'm the worst person in the world, have lunch with me. this is a weird one. any teenager will tell you that the vampire movie "twilight" is a big deal. so big in fact that the star of the movie, robert pattinson has his own candy bar. called the new moon heart's desire cream-filled chocolate heart. new moon is the next movie, i guess. this is a great thing for teenage girls obsessed with robert pattinson, you'll get so fat he'll never look at you i don't want it to seem like i
ripped him off, but i'm working on my own candy bar. we're calling it the jimmy kimmel chocolate filled gravy meatball. some anti-meat groups are trying to convince people to stop eating hot dogs. personally i think that's un-american, but the story did provide us with this unintentional joke of the day. >> weiners are hazardous to your health. [ laughter ] >> and one -- one more thing. north korea today launched another attack, but this one of a personal nature against our secretary of state, hillary clinton. you've got to love north korea. they're a great villain. they say crazy things, their leader looks like ethel merman. all their missiles are named dong, they're the best. they're upset because hillary clinton compared their country to an unruly child that constantly needs attention. they were offended.
today, they retalluatuaiated wie insults of her own. >> clinton said north korea has no friends left to shield it from the united nations sanctions and she compared them to kids that do things to get attention. and they responded with this statement. we cannot be regard mrs. clinton as a funny lady as she likes to utter such rhetoric. >> oh, no, not a pensioner going shopping. what is a pensioner? a big deal was made out of it. but the truth it's no worse than what they say oabout her -- said about her on fox tv. it may have gotten lost in the transition, but they were just kidding. >> it's the north korea all-star hillary clinton roast.
>> it's so -- her legs are so then when she wears fish net stockings they get caught in them. hillary clinton so ugly even bill clinton won't [ bleep ] her. what do you have when hillary clinton is at the beach buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand. >> north korea comedy channel all-star roast of hillary clinton. you'll laugh so hard you'll split your pants. >> all right. well, we have a good show tonight. on the show tonight, david and shaun cassidy are here. music from la roux. and we'll be right back with katherine heigl. so stick around. this is matt, olivia and jaden. they told us they needed a laptop with... olivia: a large screen, long battery life, - the ability to share pictures... - announcer: for under $700.
we told them, "you find it, you keep it." - matt: we'll definitely make a choice today. - look at this. what do you think about these over here? the mac's too small. a thousand dollars? for under $700, we can't get a mac. let's keep on looking. - olivia: this is large. - it has windows photo gallery. - ( jaden yells ) - apparently he likes it too. we're getting this one. - olivia: oh my gosh! - that works. - it's unanimous. and a pc. - thank you. we're pcs so we can share photos of this little guy. round of miller lite.
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family. shaun and david cassidy are here with us tonight. and later on, a duo that's number one in the united kingdom. their self-titled album hits the united states september 29. music from la roux. tomorrow, tom arnold, the trailer pork -- trailer park boys and eels on the show. our first guest is an emmy winning actor who we last saw either dying or not dying in the final moments of "grey's anatomy". in either case, she's been resuscitated miraculously to star in the new romantic comedy "the ugly truth" which opens tomorrow. please say hello to katherine heigl. [ cheers and applause ] you look very glamorous. thank you for coming. >> thanks. >> great to see you. >> maybe i was a little
overdressed. >> no, you look great. i feel like i should be wearing a bow around my waist myself. >> you should. maybe around your neck. >> a few knots. can i ask you a question about "grey's anatomy," because when we last saw you, as izzy, you were either dying or not dying. we're not sure. and now you're taping the show now. >> we are. >> so either you lived or you're playing a corpse the whole season. >> or a coma. >> or a coma. in which case you wouldn't have to be there for a coma. they could get a few shots of you. >> you know, i think they would revel punishing me a little bit, keeping me in a hospital bed for an entire nine months. what they don't know is i would be more than happy to spend the rest of the nine months in a bed. >> really? >> i'm exhausted. 17 hours -- it's awesome. it's beautiful. a beautiful thing. it's like i'm either in a bed or
in a wheelchair and just -- and justin has to push me around. it's kind of sweet. >> you might want to consider having a couple of amputations. >> that's what i was thinking. the cancer could eat away. >> it might be extreme, but what the hell. stick with it for the whole series. >> we love extreme. >> you're coming to the show next season for absolutely sure then? >> yes. [ laughter ] >> do you not know -- [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks. wouldn't it be terrible if you all booed? >> do you not know exactly what you're allowed to say -- >> i have no idea what i'm allowed to say. somebody told me it has been announced that i'm coming back. right? that's already been announced. [ cheers and applause ] has it? i'm not -- am i going to get fired now. >> people do know you're coming back, but that could mean you're coming back for an episode and a half. the funeral, maybe you're a
ghost. ghost make appearances on the show. >> make an appearance on the show. >> you know, it could be anything. well, good to see you anyway. in any case. you got married since the last time you were here. [ cheers and applause ] >> i did. >> you married a -- you married a musician. >> married a musician. >> which is good because the thing is, those guys don't get a lot of girls. >> yeah. rough for them. i had to throw a bone, you know, his way. >> i'm so happy for him. [ laughter ] >> but everything is going well. >> it's going great. going really great. i think first three months were pretty rocky. >> they were? >> i would say. well, we didn't live together before we got married so suddenly -- >> whose house did you go into? >> we bought a new house together. it was very '50's. i loved it. it was fun. >> did you get a chance to throw out all his old stuff? >> yes. i sure did. i was going to keep one thing. i was going to keep the leather sectional sofa. like this sofa is comfortable. so i was going to put that in there and then i found this
beautiful white leather sectional sofa, so i had to say, honey, do you mind -- >> he has to bring nothing? >> one bed. for the guest room. >> for the guest room. [ laughter ] >> that's the way it goes. >> it was handy. i like that bed. >> if you marry katherine heigl that's what happens to you. >> he was forgiving about it. >> your mom -- the night she had to, she was supposed to see neil diamond in concert. >> i was born the day after thanksgiving. this whole story confuses me because i don't know what my mother at nine months pregnant, the day after cooking thanksgiving dinner was going to a neil diamond concert for. anyway, she has missed the concert and she has been pissed about it for 30 years. >> really? >> yeah. we still have this conversation. i missed neil diamond for you. well, i'm sorry, but because of that, she wanted to name me sweet caroline and my dad put the nix to that.
he wasn't showing a lot of foresight there because sweet caroline would have been a sick stage name. it could get sticky there. >> so your first name would have been sweet? >> yeah. i could have gone into the film industry or been a stripper, you know? leaving all options open. >> well, maybe you think about sweet caroline as a potential name for one of your children and then keep your fingers crossed. >> yeah. i don't know. i don't know. >> maybe you -- >> cracking rosie would be nice. >> did you make up? >> i did. 22 years later, i took my mom to a neil diamond concert. he played a lot of new songs so i was starting to get really irrita irritated. i thought, you better play sweet caroline and he eventually did.
he played hot august night, which is my mom's favorite song. >> she could have named you that too. >> hot august heigl. >> that has a better ring to it. >> a nice ring to it. now, does neil know the story? >> no, i don't think. so. >> oh, he would love -- you have to tell him the story. >> well, my mother is backstage right now begging for you guys to set up a meeting with her and -- she's like can you call him now? can you get him on the phone any time you want? but my husband actually knows i'm such a big fan and got me a signed neil diamond guitar. >> nice. >> he won it at an auction. then some guy in the auction was so desperate for that guitar that he begged josh and josh gave it to him. gave it to him. didn't even -- didn't even charge him for it. just gave it to him for his wife. for that guy's wife. i was like -- >> that's punishment for you throwing out his stuff. >> it might have been. a little resentment there. >> a little something there.
you give me that guitar! he had to make a couple of phone calls -- >> he did get the guitar? >> he did get the guitar. >> is it hanging on your wall? >> it's in shipments right now. >> i'm a big fan of neil diamond. in fact, on valentine's day neil sent roses and paid my bill. he left me a bill and it said, don't say i never brought you any [ bleep ] flowers. >> oh, my gosh. >> i swooned. >> that cannot be true. >> i've never been in love where a 60-year-old -- with a 60-year-old man before. that's true. i have the note and everything. >> can i be your best friend and i'll be his best friend by proxy? >> yeah. get rid of your husband first. tell him to go hang out with the person he gave the guitar to. and now the movie, this clip may need explanation more than any
clip we have ever seen on this program. >> i don't have an explanation. >> well, a set-up. because if you watched it without any kind of a set-up, you'd be arrested. >> yeah, it's confusing. well, okay. do i have to tell who my character is and stuff? they'll figure it out. i have been hanging out with a southerner a lot. when did i start using y'all. >> it's those hot summer nights. >> yeah. she's a fairly uptight young woman and she is working with a man who is much more outspoken, sort of a little crass. and as sort of a gag gift he gives her a vibrating panties. and she's home, she's chillin', waiting for her date to pick her up. she's a little early. she is ready before he is, so she decides to give it a go. so she puts the panties on and unfortunately this boss and the man she's working with shows up and she has to go with them to
go to a dinner she didn't get the message about, hence this scene. >> well done. this is katherine heigl in "the ugly truth". >> this is -- yeah -- >> tell harold about the new campaign we're starting next week. >> every hour on the hour -- yep, yep. [ laughter ] oh, oh! oh, god, yeah, you're going to -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> in front of the children. did you do any research for that particular scene? >> i actually did. >> you did? >> because i felt in order to -- i'm the kind of actor who likes
to draw upon experience other than death experiences. you know, i have to just act that. but this i thought, well, i'll just take them home and give it a go. [ laughter ] see what this feels like. they sucked. >> they did? >> it was nothing. you don't feel anything. it was like, wow, this is a terrible investment. >> that's acting right there. >> what is like, i don't know, 12 hours of -- >> of orgasm. >> of death, of faking i. >> what a hell. >> it was not fun. >> nice to see you, katherine heigl, everybody. "the ugly truth" opens tomorrow. to a good breakfast. s one coffee with room, one large mocha latte. medium macchiato, light hot chocolate hold the whip, and two espressos. make one a double. she's fiber focused! i have two cappuccinos, one coffee with room, one large mocha latte, a medium macchiato, a light hot chocolate, hold the whip, and two espressos, one with a double shot. gonna take more than coffee to stay this focused. stay full and focused through the morning... with a breakfast of kellogg's® frosted mini-wheats® cereal;
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♪ hi, there, we're back. still to come, music from la roux. long, long before the jonas brothers hypnotized us with their piercings and tight jeans and their feathered hair ushered a generation of young girls into womanhood. now they are producer and co-star of a new show called "ruby & the rockits." watch it tuesdays at 8:30 on abc family. please welcome shaun and david cassidy. [ cheers and applause ]
hello there. you still look good. you look good, i have to say. >> well, a lot of tape. >> a lot of tape. >> you're dressed almost identically. >> we do that usually. >> we're bucking for an act. >> is that a coincidence? >> it is a coincidence, thank you, wardrobe. no, we fit them separately in our separate directing rooms. >> he's like the olsen twins. i heard you guys were fighting backstage. is that true? >> yes. >> we're actually not speaking. >> not speaking. >> would you mind telling my brother that the next time he chooses to wear his short somewhat identical to mine, he should clear it with my p.r. person. >> shaun, the next time you wear a shirt identical to david's,
you should clear it with his p.r. person. >> i'll think about it. >> you're not really mad -- >> i'll [ bleep ] to him later. >> when you guys were kids really, you were kids you had the popularity -- bigger than hannah montana's and all of them really combined. really just a huge deal. >> that's the reference? >> who got the most -- yes. well, i mean, that's the comparable -- i think that's a comparable. hannah montana. you know, the jonas brothers, those kids of today have filled that slot there. who did better with the women at this time? >> do you want to field this one? >> no. >> i'm handing the ball over to you, buddy. go ahead and run with it. >> i have basically been married since i have had pubic hair. >> you have? >> yeah. you, on the other hand, have seemed to work your way around
the block a couple of times. >> more than a couple of times. i'm on my third. happily though, honey. i know you're watching. >> david -- >> just the two of us. >> david, you're the older brother and shaun, you said what was going on with david and you said i want to get into that? >> yeah. it seemed like a good job out of high school. >> you were like even younger than that when you started doing stuff. >> that's true. when david was going through all his stuff, i was in junior high school and then a lot of people asked me what was that experience like when you're a teen idol and a lot of women are showing up at your door and in that my case, i was locked in a cell, i couldn't get out much. but when i was younger, i was running around sun set boulevard, 14 years old with the likes of iggy pop -- >> oh, no. >> that's bad -- >> the cycle sluts. remember the cycle sluts?
and remember keith moon of the who, crazy drummer. a little story about keith moon, i'm 14 years old and i'm hanging out at the rainbow room and still opened for those of you dazed and confused. i went up to the crow's nest at the rainbow and keith moon is there holding court with two very beautiful 15-year-old girls. well, i'm 15 and keith is probably 32 at the time. and he was notorious for liking his cocktails. so he said, well, why don't we go back to my house? i'm in. he calls the limousine and it shows up. he puts the two girls in the back of the car and slams the door and it takes off. there i am with keith moon. i'm not old enough to drive yet and i walk him back to my house. take him up to my room -- do you know this story? >> no. >> there was a who poster over the guest couch in my room. i laid him down, he passes out, i call all the friends to say you'll never believe who is
sleeping on my couch in my room, it's keith moon. he wakes up the next morning, a little groggy, catches a picture of shirley, my mother, catches her, loves oklahoma. i swear to god and he wants to play air hockey. so we play air hockey for two hours. he finishes up, calls his driver who disappeared the night before, are the two girls still there? all right, he's gone. >> wow. >> that was my -- >> that's crazy. >> thank you very much. that was my -- >> now, david, did you ever spend the night with keith moon if your bedroom? >> sadly, i did. >> on your bunk bed? >> no. >> david, when you were really like at the height of your popularity, you appeared on the cover of rolling stone and caused believe it or not quite a commotion with this cover. which seems pretty wholesome now. >> now. >> but at the time, girls had not seen men's nipples before.
>> i haven't seen them. >> the context of which that article and those photographs which annie leeb bow sit took, a fabulous photographer, and all of the other teen stuff that, you know, making dolls and lunchboxes and pillow cases with his name as well as mine, although his came a few years later. the article -- >> much more expensive. >> actually, he got paid. the rolling stone itself had such a rock 'n' roll edge to it. >> yeah. >> it, you know, hendrix, clapton, the dead, so when i appeared there, let alone become naked, i had my own television special that i lost coca-cola, kellogg's in one day. and there's no need for violins.
i'm just saying it cost me like $6 million. >> wow. >> at that time it was -- >> well, it's a lovely picture though. >> yes. what about the insert? can i see that? >> you can see it, sure. you can see the whole thing -- you haven't seen it yet? >> i haven't seen it yet, i have heard about it. oh, the naked lunchbox. >> shaun, this -- >> this is the doll. >> i used to like it a lot, "the hardy boys". >> oh, yeah. [ applause ] >> i don't remember you ever wearing that on the hardy boys i have to say. >> why are you holding my guitar? >> you know what's funny about that? it's clearly my head, but it's g.i. joe's body. [ laughter ] >> it is -- i think every thousandth one had the speci special -- >> that's a treat for the young ladies. >> so you guys -- you're working on a show. you're the producer of the show. >> i'm one of the writers and
the producer and my brother shaun star with david and patrick, and they play the '80's pop stars not unlike hall and oats -- >> think spinal tap. >> so they never got really along together, but they want to hit the big time, they have to work together. he's eking out a living at the indian casino and patrick decided to settle down with the tawny kitaen-like dancer he met and then alexa vega shows up and says i'm 15, i'm your daughter. >> i know you got big ratings for your premiere. >> very, very well. abc family -- >> we have a clip here of -- from the show. tell us what we're going to see here. >> is this the chunnel of love? >> yes. >> we of course in doing so want to reflect the fact that we are deeply rooted in the '80's and we were big pop stars some we took a lot of the -- we took the
iconic things like cell phones and you know, the internet and of course the world famous chunnel that was dug and built during the 19 -- >> the chunnel between london and paris. >> that one. >> david's character loved this idea that you could spend time with a woman in england and france on the same night. because -- >> on the same night. >> he and -- they're dressed to the nines. >> we're performing as we did in the 1988 or '89 video and it's chunnel of love by the rockets. >> and take a look. >> here's "ruby & the rockits." ♪ it's a miracle of science and they're building it for me ♪ ♪ because i love the girls of london ♪ ♪ and the women of paris
it's called the chunnel ♪ ♪ chunnel of love i want to travel ♪ >> there you go. from "ruby & the rockits." david and shaun cassidy. tuesday nights at 8:30 on abc family. we'll be right back with la roux. [ female announcer ] there are few guarantees in life. olay professional pro-x wrinkle protocol is as effective as the leading wrinkle prescription brand that's because olay has teamed with a highly specialized group of dermatologists and created a wrinkle protocol that gives you the results of the leading wrinkle prescription brand, without a prescription. olay professional pro-x. this is a guarantee you're guaranteed to love.
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cd. it comes out september 29. here with the song "bulletproof", la roux. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ been there, done that, messed around ♪ ♪ i'm having fun don't put me down ♪ ♪ i'll never let you sweep me off my feet ♪ ♪ i won't let you in again the messages i've tried to send ♪ ♪ my information's just not going in ♪ ♪ burnin' bridges, shore to shore ♪ ♪ i'll break away from something more ♪ ♪ i'm not to not to love until it's cheap ♪ ♪ been there, done that, messed around ♪ ♪ i'm having fun don't put me down ♪ ♪ i'll never let you sweep me off my feet ♪ ♪ this time maybe i'll be bulletproof ♪
♪ this time maybe i'll be bulletproof ♪ ♪ i won't let you turn around and tell me now i'm much too proud ♪ ♪ to walk away from something when it's dead ♪ ♪ do do do your dirty words ♪ come out to play when you are heard ♪ ♪ there's certain things that should be left unsaid ♪ ♪ tick tick tick on the watch and life's too short for me to stop ♪ ♪ oh, baby, your time is running out ♪ ♪ i won't let you turn around and tell me now i'm much too proud ♪ ♪ all you do is fill me up with doubt ♪ ♪ this time maybe i'll be bulletproof ♪ ♪ this time maybe i'll be
all right. i want to thank katherine heigl and david and shaun cassidy. our apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time. he will be rescheduled tomorrow night. tom arnold, the trailer park boys and music from eels. playing us off the air with "in for a kill" once again, la roux. good night. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ we can fight our desires ooh ♪