tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(cheers and applause) in there, out there, all around the world! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you! thank you! thanks, everybody! please! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show." mr. and mrs. america, all the ships at sea, i am stephen colbert. and tonight we are coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city! (cheers and applause) jimmy, can we get a "live" graphic in the corner? through there you go! live! there are only two ways to get one of those: a live talk show, or a high-speed police chase. (laughter) i'm saving that for sweeps. this "live" graphic is a sacred trust that means that what you
now. no matter when you watch it. if you're watching this on your d.v.r. at 3:00 a.m. next monday-- they're going to come wake me up and make me do it all over again. in fact, here, i'll prove that we're live at 11:35 p.m. look: i'm actually tired right now. (cheers and applause) hey! most nights we do the show 5:30, something like that. then i go home and pop a fist full of ambien. i'm out by 11:15, and then when i wake up i check the police blotter to see what i did. it is now 11:37, which i can prove that too, by holding up.
top story "stephen colbert holds up newspaper of record." thank you, shoe shine, boy! now, i'm doing this for two reasons: to practice for the live show we're doing directly after the super (cheers and applause) and also to draw attention to the fact that there is going to be a super bowl.eam media bury that story again. (laughter) of course, a live show comes with certain risks.ain precautions. if need be, we are prepared to cut away to this reassuring graphic. (laughter) (applause)
nation on pins and needles.'s powerball is the largest lotto cash prize of all time! (cheers and applause) $800 million. it to win it. and this is true. i went out today and i bought a ticket, okay? so if you hear the1, 4, 11, 49, 67 with a powerball of 12, make sure you tune into the show on monday. because i will not be here.) all right?don't mean that. but i'm here now, and we have a fantastic live show for you. first up, i'll be talking to the
producers," matthew broderick. (cheers and applause)a great interview. unless i can make more money with a flop than a hit! (laughter)alking with sarah parcak, a scientist who uses lost cities. she's a "space archaeologist,"ike a cool job title, but growing up, she wanted to be a "ballerina dinosaur."e a great musical performance from kasey musgraves. she will be singing her hitate to the party."
she shows up on time. that can only mean one thing. jon batiste and the "stay human"! say hi. (cheers and applause) they are about to whisk our. before they do, one more thing. today, pecks co-recaptured infamous drug kingpin el chapo -- and he's escaped. night... stephen welcomes matthew broderick!ace archaeologist sarah parcak! and a musical performance by kacey musgraves!
human"!d now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) u, everybody! thanks so much!'re still on the air. that's not bad. folks, thank you so much. (applause) i don't mean to brag -- (audience chanting stephen)en: thank you so much. ordinarily i would let you chant my name for an hour and cut it out in post but this is live. i'd like to think of myself as television's top catholics. since abc canceled mother theresa, shouldn't have gone up carson. never forgave her.
traditions, especiallywas wondering if i could examine my conscious with you the audience. you wouldn't tell anybody, right? >> audience: no! >> stephen: great. (laughter) this is stephen colbert's confessions. now, for the record, i'm not technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, audience, sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i wish there was an iphone app that would help me forget where my iphone was made. i told all my friends i'm watching "making a murderer," but i'm really watching the making of "murder, she wrote."
prettyood. it's only been one week and i'm already breaking any new year's resolution to stop eating cake of the tub. (laughter)rkson song "since you been gone" totally pumps my jam sack. (laughter), jon follows on organ) (mumbling)lause) when i see someone's baby, i always say, what a beautifult what i'm really thinking is, if that wasn't a baby, it would
(laughter) know, olive garden offers unlimited bread sticks? well, over the christmas holidays, i found their limit. (laughter)did get your email. if i forget someone's name, i just call them" i hope i don't do it with... chiefr) i also got your text asking me if i got your email.oined the mile high club, but i am in the greyhound
(cheers and applause)o the "y" because working out next to the elderly makes me feel strong. (laughter)ple get divorced, i do blame the kids. (laughter) impure thoughts about the land o' lakes butter lady. but mostly about the butter. forgive me, audience... we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with chief broderick.
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mathieu!) now, i imagine that walking around new york, you're such a staple of new york, that people must just
cheer like that when you walk anywhere in the city. is like that, stephen. >> stephen: really? that sounds nice. >> yep, it is nice. cheering. it's great. >> stephen: you feel bad and you're, like, one day, i'll walk out and let people know me.en you walk out, nobody on the street, so you go back inside and feel really sad. >> stephen: so a double-edged sword. >> exactly, same as the >> stephen: here's a double-edged sword i have to
you had a recent subwayh, yeah. >> stephen: somebody took a photo on you on the subway. before i show it to everybody, this is you, right? >> no, it's not >> stephen: this is you man spreading on the subway. (cheers and applause) i mean, very, very -- and together. >> stephen: you're not just man spreading, you're so proud of your man spread you're takingf it to share with your followers. >> stephen: that's a ridiculous interpretation, that i'm looking on my phone, an important message from somebody who needed to be taken to the ho are you the batman from gotham? >> stephen: i don't want to say. >> stephen: you can't say.
superpower is man spreading. now, i've heard you claim you are not man spreading here. spreading, but however there is nobody next to me, if you will notice. >> stephen: i can't tell. you see this? there was nobody here. nobody here.y here. so i didn't know you have to sit like an 1890s lady when you're alone on one side of the train. >> stephen: oh, i've got myrossed behind the desk right now. >> oh... well, how odd to know that. >> stephen: if somebody wants to join me back here, there is room for other>> yeah, there is a lot of room. >> stephen: there is the lady who handed to kitten to me right over there. (laughter) >> hi, lady. >> stephen: always down there. she >> so great to have that. >> stephen: yeah, it's a job. i have one of those, at home. >> stephen: hangs out under the furniture?
>> stephen: you're matthew broderick. why wouldn't you? >> yeah, exactly. >> stephen: thank you for being here. thank you for being here for the live show.g for me. >> for me, too. yeah, it's live. (cheering) i'm also happy to see this -- time on your show. happy to see you here. >> stephen: like what we did with the place? >> i love it. it looks absolutely beautiful. >> stephen: you're a broadway broadway baby. >> i am a broadway baby. >> stephen: you have been to a lot of these. you've performed in a lot of theaters on broadway. stacks up? >> i think it's a great one. it's a big beautiful one with a nice polish on it now. your mother and i are very proud of you. >> much. much. you do have a paternal quality with the tweed here. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's a compliment, you can interpret that as a compliment.
compliment, isn't it? >> stephen: yeah. hey, you were>> thank you very much. >> stephen: it identifies you as a man. >> yes, thank you, thank you. >> stephen: i know you must be a very busy guy. thank you for being here. busy. at the moment, it's not that busy. >> stephen: not that busy? no. >> stephen: the show is on>> it's closed. >> stephen: i hear it was fantastic. >> it was great. i urge you to go back in time and see the show. >> stephen: no, don't! because then it won't close and time to be with me right here! oh, that's true. >> stephen: does it blow your mind in. >> yeah. >> stephen: so what's next? what are youl, nothing, you know... (laughter) i'm fielding offers, i like to say. >> stephen: really? but that's not even reallyen: no offers? no >> stephen: takes away from
and having people cheer fromthis guy a gig. right? (cheering) thank you. >> stephen: let's work on your resu type? screen. >> stephen: two-thumber? two thumbs, yeah. >> stephen: do you knowxcel? excel computers. >> stephen: are you willing to relocate, go off broadway. >> no, i will not >> stephen: how do you feel about tasteful nude di? >> if it's tasteful and helps tell the story, all for it. >> stephen: how would you feel about man spreading whilestefully nude? how do you feel about that? >> i don't know if those go together. i'd want to see it (laughter) >> stephen: and what's your rate? >> $25.
do you have a curfew? >> i need to be home by 11:00. >> stephen: can you driveu need to be picked up? >> she can pick me up. she is busy, so that's going to be hard. >> stephen: if anybody does have a job forase call 855-968-matt. just leave a message. also, here's hisn case you need it. >> where did you find that? (cheering) >> stephen: now, you've done,way shows, something like that? >> i think it's less than that. >> stephen: likely?way shows. is there any part you would have loved to have done but you're not right for and no one ever cast you in it because i've got
always embarrasses me. >> stephen: tell on three, we'll saye, two, three -- ely eliza doolittle. >> elizaghter) >> >> stephen: you're like a young audrey hepburn >> stephen: if you could sing one of those songs, which one would you sing? >> isn't there one -- (humming) yeah. all i want is a room somewhere far away from the cold night air with one enormous chair
lots of chocolate for me to eat lots of coal makin' lots ofat warm face, warm hands, warm feet oh, wouldn't it be overly oh, so lovely abso-bloomin'-lutely abso-bloomin'-lutely still i would never budge till spring creptindow sill someone's headrestin' on my knee warm and tender as he can be ood care of me
ly, loverly, loverly, (cheers and applause) >> stephen: matthew broderick, everyone! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) i like your style hooked it just a little bit (window breaks, car alarm sounds) cellar door epic comeback starts right here shot. mmm mmm mmm mm mmm mm mmmmm it's time to play. so at hilton we say play hooky
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my friend jeb bush.ps saying the guy is out of the race, but he's still got the money, the family name and maybe one day he'll admit it. (laughter) and i like the guy.ared on my first show, and this is true, he sent me a thank you note. that is classy. thank you, jeb. plus, i think the man a game-changing strategy to connect with voters. >> jeb bush sees himself as a joyful tortoise, at l what he told a teenager on the campaign trail yesterday. the presidential candidate gave the boy a toy turtle and says he in his pocket. >> stephen: which led some to ask is that a toy tortl in your pocket or are you just really bad at running running for president? (laughter) now, jeb says the turtles are a that slow and steady wins the race, which makes him
who the hair is. of(applause) this does not address the central question about these turtles. >> you have a pocket full of turtles? >> i have turtles. i have the little baby jesus, my rosary beads and three turtles. >> stephen: wait...h? you got the little baby jesus in your pocket? should he be in there? are you using your pants as a turtles? but you know what? thank you note. and he's right... slow and steady wins. the slow and steady, two out of three ain't bad. but whoever wins, jeb or any of the other people, that person is
>> this earth shaking announcement from north korea that it tested a hydrogen bomb potentially hundreds of times more powerful than the nuclear weapons it tested before.als say it's clear the north did test a nuclear device but doubt it's an h-bomb. >> stephen: yes we know north korea tested a nuclear sure they have the h bomb. supreme leader kim jong un has been known to lie before, mostly to himself if he thinks he can pull off that no, sorry... so -- so -- (laughter)thing to worry about because as one senior defense analyst wrote, kim may be claiming he achieved a hydrogen bomb when, in practice, he only has a boosted nuclearyes, only a boosted nuclear weapon! they say it like it's a better
know what that is, i'm choosingk a regular nuke and packed it with mentos and diet coke.or sure is it was done in conjunction with supreme leader kim jong un's birthday. to went into the streets and danced. it's kind of sort of sad, grey footage and there isn't any music on it so to make it morewe added our own music. (rap music)(cha-cha swing) >> stephen: yes! (cheers and applause) the cha-cha slide because their primitive power grid cannot handle the electric slide. but i've got a birthday messageif he is
because the network wants me to attract more 18 to 34-year-olds with disposable income and nuclear weapons. so glorious leader, here is give up your dreams of developing an h-bomb -- the hydrogen bomb gets its destruction force not from fission but the fusion of atoms and helium, so when you drop this, this will be helium in then this birthday balloon which i have because it's your birthday and even if you successfully b, all that helium would make it impossible for your glorious birthday speech to be taken serials because you would sound like this -- hail me your
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my next guest is the 2016 ted prize winner! please welcome dr. sarah parcak! (cheers and applause) okay.ascinated by your subject. first of all, congratulations on being the winner of the ted prize. what do you get with the ted prize? >> a million: what! holy cow! you've got to do a ted talk about getting a million dollars.okay, so explain to the people out there what a space archeologist is.
space, you use space for >> so think about what would happen if indiana and google earth had a love child, right. >> stephen: well, i'm thinking about it, i'm thinking about it.h resolution and n.a.s.a. satellites and look for summit differences on the surface of the earth that locate buried ancient pyramids, and it allows us to pinpoint where to go from thousands of miles away. >> stephen: what do you have here? >> i thought you needed an indiana jones hat. >> stephen: oh, i see. that's not bad. thank you very much! >> stephen: that's awesome. aren't you putting people like indiana jones out of business? these are the guys who train
to no through the jungle andut you're using satellite imagery. >> it's like a space cate sin credible. we have found thousands of ancient sites in egypt and all over the world. >> stephen: let's talk about some of the impressive things you've done. you've helped potential pyramids in egypt people didn't know were there, 31 forgotten settlements and 1,000 lost tombs around the world. so what is the actualhat you're seeing? let me give you an example of what you've done. here is a field outside of rome. >> this is just to the south ofirport. >> stephen: i see nothing but you say there is something there. >> there is knotting. >> reporter: here is a satellite analyzed photosful what issee before? >> what you're seeing is an ancient amphitheater, like where we are now.lite data
differences in vegetation health, which you are not able to see visibly, we're able to map >> stephen: is this like chemical checkcal spectrum that we can't see.ng for chlorophyll which indicate vegetationre less healthy and we pick up the differences and the outline is clear. >> stephen: this is one of the most extraordinary things you've found. this is in egypt, i think. so this is just a bit of desert. this is just a field of sand, right? >> yep. >> stephen: but, in fact, what did you use to find this?the same locale,
(applause) pretty good right now, aren't you? >> so what we're seeing here is the ancient site of tanis, north. >> stephen: from indiana, from raiders of the lost ark. this is where they find the thing that wasor a thousand years wiped off the face of the earth by a vengeful god, you found tanis! is? this is the tanis right there? >> what you're looking at is the outline of a no one has seen and you can clearly see the outlines of buildings and city streets. dig it yet? >> no one's yet. >> stephen: when you see something like the amphitheater,
do you check? >> i love getting my handshe field, and that's the most fun. from space you think you're seeing something but when you get to dig on the ground you have no idea what types of to find. >> stephen: in archeology or in lost cities or civilizations or tombs or there a holy grail -- i mean, obviously other than the holy grail, is there a holy grail of something like finding genghisomb, or everybody keeps saying, please look for this thing? >> what's incredible byy day archeologists are making new headlines. we found human ancestors inlions of years ago. >> stephen: can you find
doing, from prehistoric times?s of years ago not in caves, but certainly in the olympic settlements, from many thousands of years ago and there are millions of undiscovered around the world. >> stephen: what's the coolest thing you have found? >> i would say that literally everywhere i look there areands of sites, and i consistently surprise myself. >> stephen: so the thing that surprises you is that no matter where you point it, you seeven when i'm sure, i tell my team, it's impossible, like, we're not going to find something in this place, i'm always wrong, we find things stephen: so humans pretty much have put up a hut everywhere they have been. there's nowhere left on the planet where somebody hasn't been, extraordinary, we have survived as a species for over 100,000 years. what's amazing to me as antudy, the more i realize we are resilient, creative, brilliant
and that has not changedbeen human. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, what are you going to do with your million bucks? >> so, i will get to announc world next month at ted. i am not an allowed to share myan say every day we're seeing headlines with what i.s.i.l is do i think in the middle east blowing up temples and lootingf we don't preserve and protect these sites around the world, they will be gone within a generation. so out a way to get the world engaged with discovery and protecting these ancient sites. >> stephen: doctor, thanks so >> thank you. >> stephen: dr. sarah parcak, tanicy. we'll be right back.
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>> have you seen rashamon? what is this again? you are the says on the paper. >> it doesn't need to be so cut and dried. the thing about filmmaking is i'm also a magnifying glass. the paper. we have been here six hours, almost. >> jeez, fine. let's see, tonight on "the late show," stephen welcomes robert de niro, gilbert and henrywans. happy? >> yes! thank you!
>> they're blowing up our phones just say we're almost there we ain't even in the car you're rolling one for two and i'm still picking out my shoese to the party if i'm late to the party with you by the time we get there, everybody will be drunk the chairs will be on tablesgged we're gonna look real good, but we're gonna look real rude that i'm
groove when you're happy at a party for two? the world can waitte to the party if i'm late to the party with you let's promise when we get in that we'll try to get right out fake a couple conversations, make the necessary roundss just turn into "who's leaving here with who?" but i just want 'em all to see me come in party with you oh, who needs confetti?