tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 10, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
thanks, everybody. thanks so much. welcome to the show. please. ( cheers and applause ) i hope you all have a good time tonight. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. folks, how about that new hampshire primary last night. incredible. that is unbelievable! i can't wait to get over to my desk right over there to talk about the unprecendented cluster-brunch it was. i want to go over there right now, but i know i can't. because we have an established format, and as a responsible host, i have to do the mature thing and do what is expected to get the job done. and i accept that. so first, let's get this done. happy ash wednesday, everybody. happy ash wednesday. is something you're never supposed to say, because ash wednesday is the day when you think about your mortality because-- fun fact it's ashes
will all return. it marks the beginning of lent. which is a time that those of us who are catholics have to spend some... well, yeah. no! , of course, that's what you want! but, no, when you grow up you realize you can't always get what you want. you have to do things that are responsible. ( cheers and applause ) senator bernie sanders! >> stephen! >> bernie! bernie! bernie! bernie! bernie! >> thank you. >> stephen, stephen. ( cheers and applause ) stephen, that is thought true.
>> stephen, you can do what you want and be responsible. >> stephen: but senators these shows are supposed to start with the host standing up and talking to the camera. >> stephen, that's what the elites want you to think. you've got to equal your heart. go your own way. theible. you are the revolution. ( cheers and applause ) in this time, the revolution will literally becheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, okay, i mean, that's a strong message. i understand, but at least i have to say who's on the show, sir? i'll take care of it. who's on tonight? >> stephen: well, first up, i'll be talking to the great ben stiller, everybody.od. he's the star of "zoolander 2." i hope they bring back the
>> stephen: yes, me, too.l be sitting down with presidential candidate, senator bernie sanders. >> wow, how did you get him? he's electrifying. >> stephen: then finally, i'll by a japanese percussion group, drum tao. >> you now, many of my supporters are very. ( band playing ) >> stephen: oh, wow.ar that? >> stephen: i did, yeah. >> it's jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody.ht the fuse on the funk rocket. but first, one more thing: last night, bernie sanderse primary by 22 points. no joke! ( cheers and applause ) ht, stephen welcomes
bernie sanders. and a musical performance by drum tao. g jon batiste and stay human. it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! and applause ) >> stephen: yeah! yeah! nice! wow! i gotta say, this feels good. this feels right. the senator is right, just do-- just follow your heart, right, right! >> stephen: i just want to say they love the new hampshire primaries.
how about this," and new, "no, stupid, this." and last night in the granite state, bernie sanders and donald trump each crushed theirints, turning our entire political system upside down.siders. socialists are the establishment. these are now acceptable hairstyles! and don't you say you saw this come!s coming." shut up. you did not! maybe you saw this coming last friday, but not six weeks ago.member how these guys launched their campaigns? trump making his slow descent down stair force one. and bernie sanders announcing in what appears to be a public park with more microphones in attendance than people. of the guys on the cable news and the media are
easy to say now! on the highway, skidding off the road, and right before you slam into a tree, saying, "yep, it's that tree i was looking for! dutch elm." boom! ey saw it coming, they're disappointed in the voters. the huffington post huffed, w.t.f. g.o.p.? and the cover of the "dailys "dawn of the brain dead." ( cheers and applause ) and here's the thing becaused socialist and a reality star. that's who's leading. and i think i know what is going on here.ay, and the heart wants what it wants. america has been told for years to pick the sensible candidate, the responsible one, a buddy, a pal, great on paper.ve them." but now it is getting swept off its feet by a couple of bad boys from the wrong side of the polls. ( laughter ) just want to surrender your body politic and let them do what they will.
at his rallies, he makes me feellt before." and if these guys do manage to make it all the way to the general election, it will make for some great debates. ( as bernie )illionaire. he's going to give our country to the 1%." ( as trump ) "bernie sanders is a clown. he's going to give our country to china." ( as bernie ) "donald trump is a great negotiator..."oint i can't tell if i'm doing trump or bernie. i can't tellence is not "yuge." of course, one candidate who did not do so well last night is the winner of the 2016 presidential election, hillary clinton.nows why. >> i know i have some work to do, particularly with young people, but i will repeat again what i have said this week.pplause ) even if they are not supporting me now, i support them.ot reaching
new tactic: disappointed mom. ( laughter ) "i know you are mad at me right it's okay if you need to be the the day, i am the one who is taking care of you. not your cool 74-year-old father who you hang out with on weekends. he just promises you everything-- free college, single-payer healthcare.ke pot! well, guess what? that's not a plan. and someday when you are an underperforming frontrunnerand. i just hope that if you have voters of your own some day, they will appreciate you.ly, somewhere along the way, i failed you as a candidate. so if you decide to start acting like an adult, i will be in south carolina. and it wouldn't kill you to pick up the phone and make a few calls on my behalf. bernie. i'll just sit here in the dark with bill."
i'm sorry. i made you a card. ( laughter ) it's made with macaroni and gold paint that says, "i'm sorry." ) i'll put it over here. and just like in iowa, some of last night's biggest winners were the losers. was ohio governor-- and your school's second favorite shop teacher-- john kasich. ( laughter )hind donald trump. and the esed because he has a sane, rational message for voters. >> so, anybody who is here tonight, if i get elected president, head out tomorrow and buy a seat belt, because there's going to be so much happening inoing to make your head spin. >> stephen: okay, just a quick question. ( laughter ) i'm on board with this, butuy a seat belt? i looked around. there's nothing in the phonebook
mug a as i can tell or buy a whole new car and rip one out. i this this one right here. he said it was going to make my head spin, so i will apply it asrnor suggests. that is super painful. okay. ow!uration, sir! ( cheers and applause ) by thene wants to buy a non-street-legal kia sorrento, please see my craigslist ad. meanwhile, marco rubio came in alace, as opposed to iowa, where he came in a triumphant third place. no surprise after his disastrous performance in saturday's give him credit. he took responsibility. >> our disappointment tonight is not on you. it's on me.
i did not-- i did not do wellight. so listen to this. that will never happen again. >> stephen: confidence restored. ( laughter ) like when the hindenberg said "just fill me with hydrogen and send me back up there!" i'll show that lightning what fur. the name on everyone's lips was bernie sanders. unless you're chris hayes. >> you see that play out inth trump's particularly closing message railcompanies and the like, and bernie sandwiches. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's right. "bernie sandwiches," a name everyone can get behind because he is not a member of the old boys' club.rich guys on
someone with a trusting, openy win florida by appealing to cubans. and this is a french dip, he is awe jus-ish candidate. plus, he has a long history of l.g.b.l.t. community. sure, the democratic establishment may have a beefhe has been reuben them the wrong way. and i know it may sound hoagie,d he doesn't have it all wrapped up yet, but in times like these, his supporters believe we need a believe we need a hero. we'll be right back with ben hungry.
ney, do you know where my beige socks are? check the walk-in closet. richard!of people in the world. those who are content to blend in- these people walk through life like beige socks. then there are those who expect more.. they have pizzazz. eventually, the beige sock people get devoured by the ones who stand out.t to be devoured? no! what is that?ptima. it's like the world's most exciting pair of socks, but it's a midsize sedan.
punch it, richard. a bull rider is bold. now, a bull rider on a plane...n bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey!is mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner!
including "meet the parents," "night at the museum," and now "zoolander 2." >> you're not my father. you weren't there. choice. i was there when you were little. >> most kids play catch with their father. they don't go with them to a thong's a lot of starving children in africa who would die to go to a thong shoot. >> what? >> look, let me make it up to you. let's go play ball catching now. >> ball catching? how's the family reunion going? >> great. i'd like to check him out for a few hours if that's okay. >> sure, as long as he's back by>> he seems like a nice guy. >> you seem like an idiot. ( laughter ) >> stephen: please welcome, ben stiller.
that was-- that was some amazing sandwich work you just did. >> stephen: thanks very much. i started off in a deli. >> really. >> stephen: yeah, i was discovered in a deli. crazy clown car of sandwiches that were coming out. >> stephen: i always keep a sandwich man down there at all times. >> was there someone under the desk handing you the stephen: no, i was making them as i went. congratulations on "zoolander 2". people had to wait 15 years. >> yes. >> stephen: why? why were you atease? >> we were waiting for justin bieber to be conceived. and as soon as we heard the news, he charted his growth and>> he's in the opening scene. we're not allowed to say what happens in the opening scene. >> you can say it. it's in the trailer.urdered in the opening scene. he is shot, like, maybe 1,000 times. >> he is as brutally murdered in au can be.
corleone at the pole. >> that was the inspiration for the scene. >> stephen: this might be the inspiration for doing the movie, too. can we see how sexye cover there? ( cheers and applause ) >> that was a childhood dream. yeah, it was good to also finally get penelope cruz ar out there. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, when you play zoolander, you have to be sexy all the time. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: is that, "oh, i guess i have to be sexy now?"re secret likely, "i get to be sexy now." >> the first one. >> stephen: really, look at you. you're an honestly sexy guy. >> derek is good -- >> i want to point something out. 15 years ago you made this movie. >> yes. >> stephen: i said, i told myd a picture of ben from 15 years ago, and a picture of him now, and they gave me these two pictures and i said, "which one is which?" >> right. what have you done?
what do you do? how do you do this? >> have you heard of blooden: oh, no. >> you know what blood cream is? >> what is blood cream? >> people take their own blood and put it on their face. >> stephen: are you kidding? are you kidding? >> i use billyd. >> stephen: wow, you still have all your hair. >> don't use his care cream, just his blood cream. >>ander 2", and this is "zoolander 1." >> there's photoshop, too. >> stephen: you areht now. it's amazing. you do this faster than i make sandwiches. you shot this in rome, right? >> yes. >> stephen: is that, like, i'll do the movie if we can do it in really seems like a scam for a trip. ( laughter ). >> no, it was fun to shoot there. it's definitely a different-- it's a whole different thing. guand meet the mayor of room. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. because you have to, like, get
delicious. the cooperation of the who can you meet the pope? >> he declined. say, "it's tropic thunder?" >> no, he swiped left on erictephen: did you try to meet the pope? >> no, i was waiting for the invitation that never came. >> stephen: you just thought that he should know that is in going to go bowing and scraping to the pope. that's not how this works, baby? >> i just didn't want to get turned down. what do you say, "hey, can you the pope is interested in meeting us?" >> stephen: i have done that many times. >> but you're a good ca yeah, i'm a catholic. >> and i'm au jous. ( cheers and applause )idn't meet him. but the cast of "ben hur" they were shooting "ben hur" --
>> they shot a remake and it haunt come out yet. the christ -- >> exactly, well said. >> i just remember that -- >> "a christ." that -- >> just shovel that story into "zoo land." oh, and he's the christ. he's the christ. >> "zoolanderen: exactly. he heals people with the blue steel. >> yes, exactly. >> stephen: bring the leper boy here.se ) >> wow. >> stephen: thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: three, you going to go for three? >> let's do it. i thought you meant the third look? >> sure, i'll do that. ( cheers and applause ) >> are three? because you have been-- you've got two trilogies.
the parents, previously, up until to now, the only other person successful trilogies is gandler. >> i'd probably be that old the next time we did the next>> stephen: everybody loves this film. there are so many camoze. there was a person you wanted but couldn't get. >> there were a couple. laura bush, we wenten: first lady laura bush? >> former first lady laura bush. i met her at a football game about five years ago and she had said to me she was a fan ofoolander" which i was surprise gld i was surprised as well. >> when we went to make the second one, i said, hey, there's this scene where owen wilson has a relationship with a group of people init's an orgy. >> stephen: you did not say orgy to the first lady.
before i got to orgy, because iwas pitching her that there's no way in hell she will do the movie. >> stephen: i have seen the movie. i know the scene you are talking have been great to have her pop up in there? ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think people would have been so happy. she's a smart lady. shephen: she has secret service protection, right? >> yes, of course. they'd be in the scene, too. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> and we also went for julianphen: really. >> yes. or interpols? let's see if we ket kget him-- and hee didn't feel it would help his extradition process, which i can understand. >> stephen: well, congratulations. >> thanks, man. >> stephen: and please don't wait another 15 years. >> it's nice to be here for the first time. >>ave you here. it's a, mr. to see you. >> i like this good thing you have going on here. >> stephen: i like it, too. i like it, too. >> it's a nice place. >> all right, cool. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: we don't have to go.
) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest won the new hampshire democratic presidential primary last night. please welcome senator bernie sanders. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) allt torsanders, first of all, congratulations on the new hampshire primary. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: you won by 22 said at the beginning of the show. but you also won some interesting categories. you won 86% of people 18-24. you like the-- it's like you're puppied monkeybaby. do you know what that reference is? do you know what that means? >> actually, not,: no one-- listen, no one knows what it means. that's the secret.
>> stephen: it's complete nonsense. it's complete think the younglings like you? >> i think for two reasons. by definition, young people are idealistic, and they look at a world with so many problems and they say whyt all people in this country have health care? why can't we make public colleges and universities tuition free? why not.e ). >> stephen: well, the answer is, the answer is that it's expensive. it's a very expensive thing to do. >> but the second part that i think young people are thinking about is how does it happen thathis technology and productivity in our economy, they are likely to have a lower standard of living than their parents, while almost all newalth is going to the top 1%. they're not dumb and they are saying, "hey, we want a fair shake as well." i think those are a couple ofitating to our. >> stephen: that sounds like class warfare.
top 1% and how doe that fairness because the top 1% has a lot of influence with the government and they're not going to give it up. they will fight tooth and nail.how i know-- i am in the top 1%. and as a matter of fact, the hell with that, the top 1% parks my car. i'm way higher thanand girls are going to fight you very hard. why do you think you can make this change? >> i think because we have reached a point in american just very, very unhappy with the status quo. >> stephen: do you think that there's a similarity and appealmp? because i had bill o'reilly on here, on monday night. and he said you guys, the same thing with differentpolls show that there are a lot of people in new hampshire who up to the last minute hadn't made up their mind . >> let me say something about bill o'reilly. bill said-- and this is the reason why people might want to vote for me-- bill said that if
presidency, he would move to ireland. ( cheers and applause ) so electing me president is a two-fer. you get bill to go to ireland. >> stephen: but there are people who are trying to choose between you and trump. why would that be? you don't seem like two sides of the same coin. >>ink a lot of donald trump's supporters are angry. they are, in many cases, people who are working longer hours for low wages.re really worried about what's going to happen to their kids. but i think what they have done is responded to trump's false suggests that if we keep muslims out of this country or if we keep better. i think that's a false solution. and my view is that, yes, people have a right to be angry. you have a right to be angry
provide fade family and medical leave. when we have more people living in povertyt any time in the history of this country. people have a right to be angry. but what we need to be is rational in figuring out how we address the problems and not simplyting minorities. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, you say-- your opponent, your opponent, mrs. clinton, has said that you offer falsehings that will not be achieved. for instance, single-payer health care, universal health care. we have just gone through eighttant fighting over what was really not-- not making health care public. our health care isy good for private industry, obamacare. the insurance companies were all for it because everybody had to pay in.
you want to actually introduce socialized medicine. >> no. >> stephen: they'll be voting to repeal this until the moon pacific. ( laughter ). >> okay, let me rephrase the question. and ask you this. >> stephen: hold on. okay, you may. >> okay. ( laughter )w does it happen that every other major country on earth, all of europe, our neighbors to the north, canada are, able to provideo every man, woman, and child in those countries. they're able to have prescription drugs costless than in the united states of america. and their total costs per capita are much, much less than in our country. >> stephen: well, my guest on monday bill o'reilly saidare 17 people in denmark. and there are 300 million people here. he says it doesn't scale up for us. >> well, that's-- not toood friend
usual, wrong. ( laughter ) ( applause ) look, you know, germany does it. the united kingdom doesnada does it. countries all over the world do it. what the issue is, not what we should do. most peopleshould be a right. most people think it's absurd that the pharmaceutical industry continues to rip us off, and one out of five americans can't even afford the doctors write. that's not the debate. the question is do we have the ability to stand up to thees and the drug companies? i believe that when people are aroused, when they're organized, when they're prepared to stand up and fight back, yes, wee drug companies and the insurance companies. ( cheers and applause )t to take a break to sell some products
goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right sfx: cell phone vibrates. he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa: here's the news, "alec baldwin and jason schwartzmanrazzi. baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making a run for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis.ni socks. okay listen...
talk that mrs. clinton's firewall is south carolina because you're not polling as well down there. i'm, you know, i don't know how out, but i am from south carolina so i wanted to educate you a little bit on my home state. if you want to get the vote down there, you have to eat boiled have you ever had a boiled peanut? okay. the recipe is very simple. >> delicious, beautiful, beautiful. >> stephen: you take a peanut and boil it in salt water, andt like that. and it's-- that's a boiledt with a nice beer. do you want a beer? all right. that is-- this is a little. ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah. >> stephen: they're damp, report they? >> and this wins me south carolina. >> yes, it does. if you like will summer give you a leg up in south carolina.
them this food they say, "oh, here comes colbert with more of his damphter ) you travel coach yourself, and you always travel in the middle seat. why is that? is that penance for something? ( laughter ) why travel in the middle seat,ecause we cooperate get the aisle or the damn window. that's why. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: do you think-- do you think america itself is in right now, metaphorically speaking? >> metaphorically speaking, people are being squeezed no question about it. and i think what the campaign is about is talking about have so much inequality, why we are not making public colleges and universities tuition free when it is clear to all of us we need therkforce in the world. why are we allowing our infrastructure to continue to disintegrate in front of us when we can create millions of jobs rebuilding
why do we have more people in jail than any other country on nately black and latino? why is it that we have a system today where our campaign finance system is now corrupt, whereires are literally buying elections? why do we allow that to happen? >> stephen: so that's a lot of questions. is there anon? >> yes, there is. >> stephen: do you see an answer at the heart of all this? >> there really is. and the answer is that our campaign finance system, our election system, and our economyy owned and controlled by a relatively small number of people whose greed, in my view, is really wreaking middle class of this country. ( applause ) and i think-- and i know, you know, that is a position that not a lot of people are comfortable with.
number of people making huge campaign contributions to elect people who represent theirre talking about massive levels of income and wealth inequality in our economy, what you're really talking about is a nation an algarkic form of society rather than being the kind of vibrant democracy and strong middle class that we should be. phen: so let's imagine that answer is correct. let's imagine the answer is correct. how do you breakab oligarchy? >> the only way that i know how to do it is has always come about, stephen, in this country and the world. we used to have a seg gailted society. african americans couldn't go tot water fountains. millions of people stood together and said, "hey, enough is enough. that is not what america is supposed to be about." ever afraid it will end up in violence? >> no, we're not talking about vice presidency at all. >> stephen: i know you're not talking about violence, but
revolution impossible makelution inevitable is what john kennedy said. and if your answer is not the answer, is violent revolution i wouldn't eye certainly hope not, but i hope-- and what the goal of this campaign is about is to look at the civil rights movement, look at the women's movement, look at understand that when we'll come together we can accomplish enormous things. but i think what people are saying enough is enough. we need our political system and our economic system. ( applause ). >> stephen: well, senator, good luck. bernie sanders, everybody. he's running for president. we'll be right back. this is a gay car.a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. young, professional's car.
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a bull rider is bold. now, ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar...its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! honey! tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold.chety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. this turkey is natural? yeah. it's too good to be true. not again. we don't own it, we share it. let's do it. oh yeah. finally, something that's not too good to be true.
natural turkey breast,t. life as spokesbox is great. people love me for saving them over half a grand ssive. so i'm dabbling in new ventures. it was board-game night with the dalai lama. layer. go paperless don't stress, girl i got the discounts that you need it's a balancing act, e people what they want -- more box. any words for the critics? what can i say? critties gonna neg. at?!