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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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( band playing intro music ) ( band playing "late show" theme ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen colbert, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! nice to see you! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the late show."
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(cheers and applause) it's a good one! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show," everybody! thank you so much! what a beautiful crowd! thank you so much! amazing! amazing! i just want to throw down a surf board and ride the wave of your energy for the next hour! as i was saying, welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen. ah, today was a beautiful day in new york city. wasn't it? ( cheers and applause ) spring is here. the birds are chirping. the garbage is blooming. (laughter) >> jon: it's blooming, all right. and criminal infractions are loosening. and this is true... because, starting today, the n.y.p.d. has announced they'll no longer arrest people for petty crimes like littering, public drinking, and urination. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: which means one thing -- times square is back, baby! (cheers and applause) how much public applause public urination got a while ago. (laughter) will now just receive a summons. great news for low-level offenders who used to get carted off in handcuffs, and bad news for anyone into that sort of thing.the police catch littering will just receive a summons like this. (applause) >> stephen: convenient. i'm a little concerned about the timing.lift restrictions on public drinking and urination the week before st. patrick's day? >> jon: i don't know about
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that one. >> stephen: to all my viewers in please seek high ground and start piling sand bags. speaking of crime, it would be a serious one if you missed tonight's show.) >> stephen: thank you. that is network-level segue. couldn't make s.e.c.ways like that on basic cable. (laughter)ng to the star of the new netflix series "flaked", mr. will arnett! (cheers and applause) such a funny guy! >> jon: will is funny, he's got sometephen: and then i am so happy i'll be joined by 11-time n.b.a. all-star, the round mound of rebound himself, sir charles barkley!) i shook his hand. >> jon: you gotta box out! >> stephen: shaking h his hands is like shaking hands with a tennis (laughter) and, from "new girl" and the newfilm "hello, my name is doris," we've got max greenfield!
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(cheers and applause) isn't that great! hey! that joyful noise is jon batiste and "stay human"! say hi, everybody! they're about to beat me witht before they do, one more thing: this morning, bob dylan announced a new album and summer tour. or he was ordering a cup of coffee. it's hard to tell what that guy's saying. >> announcer: tonight... welcomes will arnett! max greenfield!
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featuring jon batiste and "stay (band playing) and now it's time show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: stephen (stephen singing) >> stephen: jackpot! jackpot! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: did anybody watch the big "downton abbey" finale last night?plause) did you watch, jon? >> jon: no, i went to watch up on "the revenant" (laughter)
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>> stephen: they're veryspeaking of incredibly rich people we like to watch and don't know why, donald trump.s being going hard after donald trump, even making fun of donald's small hands. and i didn't have a show on friday, so it's been four days since trump's response. but i don't care, this is what i's no way i'm going to let an entire election go by without talking about this: >> he hit my hands. nobody has ever hit my hands.. look at those hands. are they small hands? and he referred to my hands --ng i guarantee you there's no problem. i guarantee you. >> stephen: he guarantees you,make sure the republicans are the party of (laughter) (applause)'ll make sure the republicans
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(laughter)sure it's true. penis put his name in giant letters on the tip of a skyscraper?hing, right? (cheers and applause) at least he didn't put his namey. hey! hey! hey, no!) that's different! that's different! i guarantee you. i guarantee you. (applause) (laughter) but donald, the issue is outhave the right to know the size of your "executive branch." so i'm calling on you to release the long form. or the short form. no judgment.
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all kidding aside, i am not putting any kidding aside. this man is talking about the in a presidential debate. this is someone who could have his finger on the button.er. (cheers and applause) if he can reach the button! we have no idea! the russians could launch and he would be trying to reach the button! (laughter)the lincoln-douglas debate, when abraham lincoln said: "no american, whether they be from north or south, free or slave, has ever complained about the size of my lincoln log.atches the drapes." (applause) believe that these are absolutely legitimate jokes to
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debate right now!'ve been following american democracy for the last 240 years, we have officially hit a new low in political discourse. let's go to the chart.k below "swift boat," below "secret muslim," below "john mccain's illegitimate baby," and, oh, we've shattered through the bottom of the chart!wing into the earth below the ed sullivan theater, past the subway lines. t email server, past the founding fathers spinning in theirhe center of the earth. there it is, stopping ateasuring contest. pretty low.te the lowest rung. we still haven't hit "onstage
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nutpunch followed by closing statement delivered via one long burp.h. we'll be right back with will arnett. (cheers and applause) shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand.ncing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer. see your ford dealer today.
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(cheers and applause)welcome back. my first guest tonight is a very funny man and creator and co-star of the very funny netflaked." please welcome will arnett! (cheers and applause) so nice to have you on. >> it's a pleasure to be here. >> stephen: so few of my guests take time to wear at on the show. >> well, i like the keep it pretty classy. >> stephen: you do. you look like you're ready toht. but casually. a casual captain. (laughter) i'm a huge fan of yours.
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>> no, that's not true.rue. >> okay. >> stephen: i'll tell you what i like about the performances you do. you play some of my favorite characters. of my favorite (cheers and applause) but often you play a kind of very confident idiot. (laughter) and i love watching confidentre something that draws you to that role or is it -- (laughter) or is it type-casting? (laughter) you're talking about, steve. but i like it, a lot. um, yeah.nk that the combination of pretty dumb and very confident is justting. >> stephen: it makes you vote for them. (cheers and applause) just confidence!is really --
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>> stephen: but although, i've got to return the compliment. >> stephen: oh... this is -- forget them! this is an area that you're kindd to because you have a knack for the same sort of area. >> stephen: i love high-status idiot. that's my favorite. en: well-intentioned, poorly-informed, high-status idiot is my favorite thing to play. >> sure. >> stephen: but for me, it's like a confession. >> is it?aughter) >> stephen: yeah. because people sometimes think i'm smart. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's my attempt to confess most of the time i'm just a confident i bull (bleep) you with my confidence.itely convince people you're smart and you have something going on, even though you're dumb -- not you. >> stephen: who knows.
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>> stephen: yeah. we have one billionaire in the bill coany here. >> is that true? >> stephen: she said she was aknow if she is. >> that must be the best seat then. >> stephen: let's talk and "flaked" for a second. named chip. life is not working out with him great, living in venice, california. >> sure. is life back together, trying to be a good guy. >> he's trying to be a good guy. he thinks life is kind of okay. he's not overly ambitious andiving out this extended adolescence and created this persona for himself in venice, california.hat is. it's a very sort of cool, beachy area part of los angeles and you can go be whomever you want toated this persona and he can live there, a big fish in a small pond. so for him, he's kind of stephen: but his friend
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we have a clip where your friend is afraid you're going to swoop in on a girl he likes but can't make any contact with.t. >> stephen: let's take a little clip right now. >> what about london, you talked to her yet? >> yeah, sort of. i got a look at her >> and? you know, not a lot to go on, to be honest with you, except for a lot of sunsets. kind of mysterious. >> i like that. for you. obviously, dude. come on. for you. what can i do to help? >> she's looking for places inhat's not good. it's the other side of lincoln, now you will never see her. >> yeah, i feel like i'm already losing her. >> don't get ahead of yourself. lose her. first you got to get her. (applause) chip.
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like some of the other characters i play. >> stephen: is he closer to you? is he professional at all?en: no? no, but there are certain elements of my life -- you know, i wrote it and created it with my partner mark chaplain and, you know, there are definitely life i brought in, by far the most personal thing i've ever worked on. you know, it is a comedy, but there is a lot of heart there and some of it was kind ofn interesting experience for me. >> stephen: one thing that i noticed you have similar in common with your character is that you are a very tan person. >> stephen: and the thing that's shocking about it is you're also a canadian who's this tan. >> yeah. (cheers and k you! >> stephen: that doesn't seem natural. >> i was just voted the most tan canadian. (laughter) by me. >> stephen: by you. i coach little league. lot. >> stephen: that's nice. yeah.
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>> yes, i do, i coach my kids inphen: i want to hear that when we come back from commercial. >> all right. >> stephen: back with more will arnett, everybody. (cheers and applause) be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or?oggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. n juice doesn' t cure pink eye. hi. how are you doing today? that' s how i am.
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(cheeren: we're back with will arnett. (cheers and applause) you were saying before the break you coach little league.tephen: your own skids? for my own kids. i have two guys. we're now in seasons of t ball and second season of baseball. >> stephen: do they call you coach on the field? >> no, my own kids don't call mee other kids do. >> stephen: when kids see you around town do, they go, hey, coach!
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>> yeah, getting licorice whips? >> like coaching the kids? >> sometimes i i think i may like it more than the kids and when the season is over i get kind of bummed out. but it's so much fun. i get really excited when kidshrow or make a catch. >> stephen: yeah. sometimes you're like -- icer for a while and getting the kids to pay attention to where the ball was on the field. >> it's the best. >> stephen: we would put 20 balls on the field, there would be soouldn't pay attention to any one of them. i also look at the joy the kids are having and you go, i want that childhood joy. >> i know.o recapture that. >> stephen: yeah. do you like being an adult? (laughter) >> uh... i do. i mean, it's -- it's fun and also -- it is also sometimes kind of a drag. >> stephen: yeah. when i was a kid, i didn't -- i didn't know much, but the fact
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that the world was sokind can of an exciting mystery, you know. >> yeah, yeah. well, you know -- no, it's true, but then you grow up and it's, out that driving isn't that fun, and that, you know, that sex isn't real, it's just a story they tell you to scare you, you know. >> stephen: yeah, spooky >> yeah. (laughter) you know, it's funny, i often wish there was somewhere that i could go to sort of get back to, you know. >> stephen: oh, but there is... there is my blanket fort. >> you have a blanketghter) >> stephen: yes, i do. and in there, everything makes sense again.you were a child is still true in
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(laughter) >> can we go there? >> stephen: will... we're there already! (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> hey, will... yeah, steve?ll awake? yeah. >> stephen: hey, man... these kids down the street, they that garbage men live at the dump. is that true?
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yeah, i heard that, too. >> stephen: yeah? and yophen: what? all teachers live in the school. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. you know, i saw my math teacher at the grocery store. >> oh, my gosh. did you get an >> stephen: no, i was too scared. >> hey, s: yeah, will? are you still awake? >> stephen: uh-huh. do you know that -- that dogs and cats can gettephen: yeah, but the cat is always the girl and the dog is always the boy. >> you know what else my cousin told me? >> stephen: your cousinyeah, you know my cousin -- >> stephen: yeah, he's the one who got hair -- down there. (laughter)he's got five now. >> stephen: five!
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>> yeah. >> stephen: he must be really strong. >> yeah. well, he told me --at did he say? he3told me that ladies have to get completely naked to pee. >> stephen: what! are they naked on that couch they have in their bathrooms? >> they gotta be. in there, i bet. they're so tired from taking their clothes off to pee. (laughter) >> you know, um, you know, if you had to, you know, likeapped under a car or something, my dad could lift a car. >> stephen: whoa! really? >> yeah. car.
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yeah. hey, did you know if you keep your eyes open when you sneeze, you die? (laughter) >> i didn't know that. >> stephen: yeah. i always thought if you sneeze with your eyes open, your eyeballs pop out of your head. another? yeah. (laughter) noticing i was so hungry. (laughter) >> stephen: mmm... yeah, yeah. >> hey, steve? >> stephen: yeah, will. i got a question foren: okay. why do adults drink alcohol? it tastes so bad. >> stephen: they need to drink it.t know how to laugh.
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or do sex. (laughter) >> stephen: yeah? can i tell ya something? >> stephen: will, you can tell me anything. this is the blanket fort.ever leaves the blanket fort. >> i stole a baseball from the hardware store.ts) >> stephen: you are going to jail. (laughter) >> i know. >>y... tomorrow when we get up, do you want to look at the national geographics my brother keeps in the basement? >> do they have pictures of tigers of -- >> stephen: tigers on every page!
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oh, steve, i'm miss you in jail! >> stephen: >> stephen: "flaked" is avfriday. will arnett, everybody! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) luxuould be top awarded. there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive leaseuze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. ...one of many pieces in my life. so when my asthma symptoms kept coming back on my long-term control medicine, i talked to my doctor and found a missing piece in my asthma treatment.o prevents asthma symptoms. breo is for adults with asthma not well controlled on a long-term asthma control
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heers and applause) back, everybody! my next guest tonight already introduced himself! please welcome sir charles barkley! ! >> stephen: what's up with you? >> i'm getting ready for march madness. i'm glad you didn't ask me to sleep with you. >> stephen: we were just in aaving fun. didn't you do that when you were a kid? >> all poor people have to make up games and stuff. rich people get to go hiking and things like that.t get a tent, a blanket to hang up and a stick and sleep there there for the like fun. it was.
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i have been blessed. i had two younger brothers. we spent a lot of time in the blanket fort. >> stephen: that conversation t all? >> well didn't have -- we had twinkies. that's pretty much it. >> stephen: i wish i hadn't had a twinkie just now. i tell you that. thanks so much for coming on. >> stephen: you're one of my favorite sports figures because you're not only a hall of famer basketball but there are some things you're not great at athletically and i ides like-- >> like what! >> stephen: we have a clip of your golf swing. >> okay. >> stephen: this is, here we go... and... (cheers and applause) i can't believe! how can you be this great of an athlete and have a swing thatot a mental block.
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(laughter) i love to play, though. i go golfing, fishing pretty much every day. love to fish. i just am a lot better at fishing than i am golfing. >> i've never seen you cast. t's easy.olf is easy, too. i don't understand why you crank all the way back, go halfway stop and then kind of whackdo that same drive with a putter. >> no, i've just got mental block. are you good at golf? >> snoo no. that's why i like you. some time. >> stephen: i would love to play some time. do you do charity tournaments? >> i do not. >> stephen: no charityaughter) >> well, i don't like doing charity tournaments because i've
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actually hit a few people. (laughter) it's very nerve racking becausehe first person -- >> stephen: you get a taste for blood. >> no, you get really nervous after that because you're, like, somebody. so i don't like playing in front of crowds because i get really >> stephen: okay. you played your entire career in front ofwas easy. it's like you being on tv. you've done this so long it's like clockwork. but for some reason i choke under pressure on the golf the only way to explain it. >> stephen: you're also broadcasting. march madness selection sunday is this sunday. >> this sunday. >> stephen: people get their started. is there a monster out there that's going to dominate this year?
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to the final four and probablyy win the tournament. this is going to be one of the funnest tournaments we've ever had. somebody might guess and get its no favorite. north carolina, kansas, villanova are, like, the top seeds, but there is nobody who can -- like, i saw warren buffete a million dollars to the person who got the sweet 16. that's the safest bet ever. >> stephen: no one can predict it. >> this is the firstn doing this the sixth year, i think, and this is the most wide open it's ever been. because used to be like five or six teams are head and shouldersy else. this year's been so crazy. >> stephen: why do you think people go so mad for march>> number one, it's really exciting for your college. you know, like, this is the time your college -- how many people -- because unless you're at certain going to get an opportunity to
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unless you're at north carolina, duke, michigan state, those type of teams, you get to see them all the time. monmouth has a good chance -- >> stephen: it's a regional tournament all over the country. >> yes. >> stephen: how are these teams chosen? is it a smoke-filled room, a? (laughter) what are the standards by which the teams make it in? >> it is a bunch of athletic directors in a room. smoking going on, cigar smoking or drinking or anything like that, and if they are going to do those things, i would like to be on the committee in thes and applause) >> stephen: but can you campaign? is there -- can you campaign -- >> no, you can't campaign.rgue before the committee? >> no, you can't argue before the committee. somebody complains every year they got left out. i says, wait a minute, you can't complain if you're number you know, we've got six to eight teams, but they always say,
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well, this team got left out. nobody goes around saying i'm feel like you're important. if you're not in the top aches or eight teams, you should just shut the hell up.plause) speaking of shutting the hell up -- >> yeah. >> stephen: -- you, last year, were trash talking stef curry and theing jump shooting teams could not go all the kay. >> yes. >> stephen: and you were, last time i checked, very wrong about wrong. >> stephen: they made you a t-shirt which you were good enough to wear that says "jump shooting championships, jump shooting teams won, charles barkleyd applause) nice of you to wear that. >> they have a terrific team. they have been great for the n.b.a. >> stephen: you ready to jump on board this year?m this year.
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>> i tell you right now they're not going to win the championship this year. stephen: are you a betting man? >> of course, i am. >> stephen: what do you want to bet? >> make it light on yourself. >> stephen: i bet you a round of golf.>> stephen: that's a deal (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the soarnlg of naacp sunday begins this week ons and cbs. everybody! (cheers and applause)
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this turkey is natural? yeah. it's too good to be true. don't say that.60 second six pack. it's called the abinator. it's called the pulsator. (buzzing sound) (groans) finally, something that's not too good to be true. natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. aflac. aflac! aaaaf-lac! ta-daa! not a very good magician. he paid my claim in just one day. one day?! shh! how does he do it? t in just one day, approve and pay. p
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plause) >> stephen: welcome back,ext guest is a golden globe and emmy nominated actor whose new film is called "hello, my name is doris".
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(cheers and applause) nice. >> stephen: people like max nice? (cheers and applause) and i can understand why they do. i really love this new movie,oris." >> thank you so much. you've said nice things about the movie. >> stephen: i tweeted nice things about the movie when i saw it last spring.ir film festival. >> stephen: yes. thank you for having me. i'm so excited to be here. >> stephen: obviously, you're not alone about the excitement. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for. thank you so much for being here, max. (laughter) okay.
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middle-aged woman -- >> sure. >> stephen: -- who is working at some media company you work at.phen: you're bright as a shiny new dime, young thing there. and she falls in love with you right away. >> yes, yes. her mother just passed away andf looking for something in her life and she sees me and she thinks i'm the new thing in her life. >> stephen: she is absolutely mesmerized by you.en: and she's nervous >> sure. >> stephen: and we have a scene where she ends up spilling something on you she's so nervous around you.just get out of your way. >> stephen: oh. ow. >> stephen: oh, oh, oh! okay... >> stephen: oh, no! i'm so sorry! >> that's okay. >> stephen: let me help! i'm so, so sorry! i'm so sorry. >> no -- >> stephen: god. doris, stop it! stop. stephen: okay. you did that on purpose, didn't you?
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>> stephen: no, no, i didn't. you're a liar. >> stephen: no, i'm not.>> stephen: oh! ) >> stephen: now when you saw in the script you have to make out with sally field -- or you get to make out with sallyid you think? i'm going to be the new burt reynolds? >> immediately. (laughter) however, i don't think anyonelds as a shiny young time. >> stephen: there was a time, young man. deliverance with the cutoffs?. >> stephen: they can put that in a post- (laughter) >> that's right. >> stephen: you can make out with sally field. >> those scenes are neveru know, you go -- with anybody. >> stephen: i wouldn't know. (laughter) >> but you and will had a very
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>> stephen: you rehearse it, go through it and you have the awkward moment and then you don't actually do it and the director walks out, start setting up the scene and you're both kind ofch other like, so, um, yeah, it's going to happen and, uh -- >> stephen: mm-hmm. i'll put you up here -- it's all awkward and technical and they call action and you do it and, in this case, we did -- >> stephen: yeah.ut, we pulled away from each other, and i think we both had a moment of, like, oh, this is going to be a lovely experience. more time. >> stephen: yeah. it was nice. we shot that on the second day. >> stephen: the second day of shooting the movie, you just met?phen: a great way to break the eyes. >> it really was. i think it set the tone for the rest of the movie and it ended up being such a blessing.
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teacher who gave you some advice about how to sort of crank yourhe times. >> yes. >> stephen: in this movie, say you're as bright as a shiny new dime because you're so energetic and open and i can see why she'sou because you are so bright and shining. what is the advice this person gave to you? >> go big, and we can always pull you bac mm-hmm. which i often do on the show "new girl." (cheers and applause) jake has been one of our producers who is wonderful and i respect so much, he directed a lot of episodes in the first season -- >> stephen: yeah.ng beginning. >> swing for the fence. home runs. >> stephen: yeah. and jake came in, i think, five episodes in, and ionversation that he was having with somebody else about the performance in general
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go small and natural and we can and i remember thinking, what are they talking about... (laughter) and now every time jake directs an episode and comes in oh, max, what are we doing? i've gotten directions like, max, can you be more of a human as if you were a human being. (laughter) >> stephen: by the way,s , this is putting asses in the seats, the people what they want, a shiny new dime. >> a shiny new dime. (laughter) but i always know when i get a piece of direction like that, i feel like i'me right track, maybe i'm finding something. >> stephen: i have been told you have an impression as your character schmidt on "g an impression of john travolta doing his performance as robert shapiro in "an
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american crimed correctly that you have this impression? (laughter) >> well, yeah... (laughter) it's the best performance on tv right now.avolta is one of my favorite actors. >> stephen: yeah, we had him on the show. >> he's the best. we have a new baby at home, and so i decided i would do john travolta during takes and see if anybody noticed. >> stephen: okay. peaking of directions, theled in from video village, max, can we do one take when you're in character, please? was playing travolta throughout a lot of the takes. >> stephen: yeah? o, uh... (cheering) >> stephen...
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i'd like to ask -- (clears throat) i'd like toent one question. now, there won't be any judgments. stephen... did you it? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's right.) >> stephen: goodbye mr. spaulding! "hello, my name is doris" opens this friday! max greenfield, everybody!
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most buns just hope to keep a hamburger together. but the new bun on a dave' s double brings a hamburger together. the perfect ratio of bun, to beef to toppings to...other bun. that' s the key. to the hamburger harmony of
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune i will be helen mirren, j.j. abrams, and a musical performance by dma's. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! (cheers and applause) ning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org are you ready to have some of fun the "late,
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