tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 10, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
you feel it? you feel it? (cheers and applause) thank you so much! please! welcome to "the late show"! welcome to "the late show," everybody! i'm your host stephen colbert. how is everybody doing? everybody feeling all right tonight? (cheers and applause) i am feeling fine, because on tuesday, this happened with helen mirren. (applause) that's right! technically, that makes me a knight. (cheers and applause) then just yesterday with the great sally field, this
(applause) so it has been an eventful week for my face. feeling pretty good about myself. these were both great got home, made-for-awkward silence moments. actually, my wife is cool with it. we talked it over and agreed she gentleman actor of a certain age. i suggested ian mckellan and she suggested paul rudd. he's 70. my wife told me he's 70. and i just want to state, on record, that both those kisses were great but did not mean anything, which is why i am not hurt that neither of those women called the next day. (laughter) i mean, i don't even know if they've called because i have not checked my phone since i
nothing. while i don't wait for those calls, we have got a great show for you tonight. (cheers and applause)o the woods" and the "pitch perfect" movies, anna kendrick is here! (cheers and applause) then i will be talking to the attorney general of the united states, loretta lynch! (cheers and applause)have a musical performance by brian fallon! (cheers and applause) ( band playing ) oh, that's the sound of jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody.ause)
started, but, before they do, one more thing: starbucks isstas to register to vote. so get ready for a lot of write-in ballots for "blurmie sandals." nouncer: tonight... stephen welcomes actress anna kendrick!rney general loretta lynch! and a musical performance by brian fallon! uring jon batiste and "stay human"! it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert!
tephen: whoo! (cheers and applause) >> jon: how are you doing? right. thank you very much! thanks! thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.o the to shore tonight. how are you doing, meredith? >> i'm good. super crowd. >> stephen: super nice crowd. >> stephen: what did you think of those ladies kissing me this week? did you think that was appropriate? >> i thought helen mirren's was >> stephen: it was. it started off tender then got
>> it felt like we shouldn't be seeing it, like it was personal.field went for it. >> stephen: sally field definitely went for it. i'm not going to say "tongue" because there is no way you can prove >> yeah. well, i mean, if the reverse happened -- >> stephen: if i went on, if a man went on. certain age went on -- >> stephen: like a 70-year-old man -- >> yeah, went on and kissed one to have the many late show hosts, i don't know how that would have gone over. >> stephen: i think all ofo the female talk show shows would have been mad about it. i think that's why they all the job. yeah. (laughter) but one of the nice things about having these shows is occasionally you get a little action like that. pretty nice.ow, one of the great things about hosting a talk show is that there's just so darn
how do you choose? i don't know. my solution is not to choose at all and let technology take control. this is...e: wheel! of! news! ause) >> stephen: oh! people love the wheel! as you've installed a giant spinning wheel on the dome of the ed sullivan theater with topics like "sports," "entertainment" and "china" -- which isn't a category, it's made. (laughter) then i'm going to spin the wheel and wherever it lands, that's the story i talk about. say hi to brendan, everybody! (cheers and applause)
brendan is our leaver.wn and hold the lever for us. brendan. when you were in college, did you think this was what youour career? >> no. i was hoping. >> stephen: let that be a lesson. study hard. okay. get in there. come on. in the pit. all right. (cheering) we have the technology for that but we have not come up with lever technology. down here.endan? >> ready. >> stephen: here we go! spin it! (cheers and applause) "religion!"ut in naples, italy, because the people there are afraid the vatican wants to seize control of jewels belonging to theennaro. including, "silver busts,"
earrings," "a golden mitre" ands studded with diamonds, rubies and emeralds." so i want to take a second here and address the vatican directly.ortable saying guys because this is the vatican. i say this out of love -- you have too many jewels.ican. it is like liberace meets "hoarders." you shouldn't be adding any more treasure. you should be making three piles -- keep throw out, donate. but not to the church! that won't help.hen was the last time you even sat in the chair of saint peter? you just use it to hang your vestments. all right, let her rip. "clip without context!" clip me, jimmy!
not going to happen! >> stephen: no, it's not. let's spin.study!" in a recent study, researchers are having drug addicts strap on virtual reality headsets to see to resist heroin in different simulated environments, one "where the drug is snorted and one where it is injected."ot real world application because you know how junkies are always like "wait a second, you're offering me heroin in a different way than i'm used to? i'm out of here! i'll take all that heroin." spin! (cheers and applause)eel of news lands on...
last night was the eighth democratic debate, in florida. at this point, bernie and hillary really seem like justveling the country, arguing about money. ( as sanders ) "excuse me, i'm talking." excuse hillary ) "why is the car making that noise? i told you, you should have bailed out the auto industry!" ( as sanders ) "zip zip. in denmark, we would be riding bikes!"were a few stand out moments, like when secretary clinton dropped this shocking confession. >> look, i have said before and it won't surprise anyone to hear me say it.e. i am not a natural politician, in case you haven't noticed, like my husband or president obama. >> stephen: that's right. a natural politician, unlike her opponent, that smooth operator, "slick bernie sando." (laughter)s a slick piece of work, man!
pain from your day can haunt you at night, don't let it. advil pm gives you the healing sleep you need,sleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. t gonna be? an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery.
plause)ome back. my first guest tonight is an oscar-nominated actress who has appeared in "up in the air," "into the woods" and the "pitch perfect" movies. please welcome anna kendrick.ying ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to have you here. >> i'm so happy to be here. >> stephen: i'm a big fan. thank you so much. i'm glad i got to come on then't have anything to promote, like i'm not here to pivot the movie. it's funny you should ask me where i grew up. like about the movie. it has nothing to do with no agenda. >> stephen: i have no agenda. i'm here to enjoy anna kendrick. >> nice person. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. (laughter) you >> stephen: i
big fan of lord of the rings >> i am. lord of the rings was my gateway in high school -- >> stephen: your gateway drug?phen: kids, not even once. not even once. >> yeah, my best friend and i didn't know much about it until we started watching the movies and before long we were doing of the three extended editions >> stephen: i heard you have parties >> yeah >> stephen: i've never been invited to one of your parties. >> it's very and my best friend. lots of other people want to come, but we thought we should keep it really exclusive.e a character in lord of the rings that you identify with or you would like to be? >> my best friend and i would like to be frodo and sam but we're actually the lazy hungry ones so we're pip and mary >> stephen: which is which? they're distinct
>> he has the song >> stephen: oh, yeah. you are the singer >> we decided this before the third movie came out and then theut and i was, like, this is my moment and it wasn't me, it was billy, but for me it was my moment >> stephen: sam is the real hero of the movies >> yeah. not really heros >> stephen: people like us >> okay >> stephen: i'll settle for oh >> stephen: you do have a beautiful voice. everybody knows you from the "pitch perfect" movies. "pitch perfect" is the most all time >> i know. it's crazy. (cheers and applause) if we're going to be pedantic about it, if you're a theaters not technically a musical because the characters know they're singing and the music doesn't move the story forward.en: that's a very
if the characters know they're singing -- >> then they're just characters who are singing. but a musical is one which the music is plot. >> stephen: okay. but also i don't know why i'm talking anybody out of it. >> stephen: i like that distinction.hen: huh... the movie is a lot about friendship. do you think women or girls approach friendship in a different way than guys do seem to work at it harder than we do. >> i don't, but i think women do. >> stephen: really in you get together with your friends and watch movies for 13 hours at a time. friend and i see her once a year. my brother's in the audience tonight and when people ask if i say, yeah, we talk twice a year. >> stephen: that's very guy. a guy's, like, he's my best friend. when did you see him?ears ago. we'll get together sometime next
>> stephen: yeah. igning probably women are like that.e more like that. work at it. >> stephen: please don't. effort, woo... >> stephen: you started on broadway when you were 12 years old. >> stephen: what is it like to be on stage on broadway at 12 years old? and you were living in maine, not new york. >> i'm from maine, but i was living in (cheering) yes! love it! rowdy! >> stephen: those people, they just won a hundred dollars fort. (laughter) >> so i lived in new york with my dad when i was doing the show for about six months, and i waslike, hard work and, you know, they treated you like a professional. no one gave you a break because you were a kid. but everyone was so wonderful and warm to me. i think it fostered my love for>> stephen: one of the other
bit in common is we both, me briefly and you significantly, worked with stephen pes nheim. >> yes. before i made it into the woods, i felt like we had adid an independent film when i was 16 where he had a cameo and i sang one of his songs in the filmum and they showed him that foot an and he said she haseth, which isn't specifically what you want to hear from him, buy take that to the bank. >> stephen: you do have lovely teeth. >> thank you. 17 i did a musical at new york city opera. the first day, i was younger and less experienced than the rest of the cast and i felt like first day at a newthen stephen sondheim walked in and said, hello, anna, nice to see you again.
get iigh school if just just came in and gave you "hear girl" vibes. >> stephen: those are the vibes hey, girl... >> but that was, like, one of the two moments in my life i was, like, the cool girl. >> stephen: i did a musical with him, one of his the company, and the first time i had to sing my song with the philharmonic, and the only time i got to practice with theic, right before i opened my mouth he walked in and sat down on the front row. the word crap your pants are thrown around so >> it should be reserved for moments like that. >> stephen: one of the most terrifying things i ever did was open my mouth and sing in front of that guy. and said, hey, girl...
can we sing something? >> i'd love it! >> stephen: i was in glee club in high school. >> yeah, i was in two choirs. >> stephen: yeah, i was in glee club, you were on broadway okay? my girlfriend was playing annie oakley and i played frank butler from miniature gun. give me a note for falling in love is w they say falling in love is wonderful it's so they say wonderful it's wonderful, so they tell me i can't recall who said it i know i never read it
tired of working for peanuts? well what if i told you that peanuts can work for you? that's right. i'm talking full time delivery of 7 grams of protein and 6 essential nutrients.t take a day off? i don't think so. harness the hardworking power of the peanut. [engine revving] magnetic. by design. fresh new look on mcdonald' s mcpick 2 menu try a flaky filet-o-fish made with sustainably sourced fish, a big mac made with 100% beef,
an org called donors choose. donors choose.org. help me if wrong, it's a web site teachers all over the united states from public schools in all 50 states can put projects online that they want to do whether artngs they want to teach, like you want to teach ""to kill a mockingbird"" but you don't have 20 copies, they put that project online on the web site and you as donor cano that classroom in that state, donate just for that project and 100% of your money goes to that and hear back from the kids.hoose based on what's important to you. >> stephen: right, exactly. and we have the founder of donors choose here right now, charles best, everybody!plause) >> stephen: hearings charles. thanks so much. one thing that's going on all
>> best school: check your twitter, #best school day. you and i did something together, one to have the best days for me lasthen with your help i and other donors helped kids in. today celebrities and athletes and business leaders are doing the same thing in 47 states bringing together $1cts are being funded, and it is the best day! anna, you did one today. that was your project? >> we got to cover the whole state of maine. >> stephen: every project in main!ause) and with us tonight, i am
school day donors. lest bring them out, from "community" and cbs's "the oddvette nicole brown! yvette! (cheers and applause) what is your best school day? >> i funded all theects in my hometown of anonymous donor. >> stephen: we also havem ferriss! days. >> i funded every project on long island, new hampshire and (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we are being joined by twitter founders biz stone, jack dorsey and ed williams.r best school days? >> boston, massachusetts and richmond, california. >> the entire state of missouri. and my wife and i funded all the projects in my home state of nebraska and the city ofsco. (cheers and applause)
acting -- go ahead -- actingf education john b. king, jr.! sloop john b, what's your best school day? >> i represent anonymous flojts 50 high needs accounts in the states of alaska, ohio, new mexico and kentucky. (cheers and applause) founder of craigslist, craig newmark. craig, what's your project? >> i funded the entire state of also the whole city of detroit. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now please welcome c.e.o. and hip-hop simmons! day? >> i have been involved with donors choose 15 years and today i'm funding my hometown of hollis, (cheers and applause) >> stephen: wide receiver from
torrey, what's your best schoolnd i are funding every school in east baltimore! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: finally the starting center for the houstonrd! dwight, what's your best school day? (cheers and applause) >> i am funding all the students and teachers from pre-k toston, texas. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all together, the best school day has funded over 11,000 projects,lion donors, helping 1 million children. that's what we call it, everybody, the best school day! let's get the class photo taken right here! remember, these are all greatl so happy you're here,
teachers in the schools. if you want to give kids in your area the best school day, headg. make your donation. make your choice. let's take the photo. one, two, three! (cheers and applause)ith attorney general loretta lynch. (cheers and applause) thank you, everybody! moderate to severe crohn'sve managed. except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. and when i finally told my doctor, he said humirae who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. and that in clinical studies,tients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis.etimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened;
serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure.ment, get tested tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. ask your gastroenterologist about humira.sion is possible. alright, what do you think boys? we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking]re not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan] why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why.hine]
(cheers and applause) en: welcome back. my next guest is our country's top crime fighter.y general loretta lynch! (cheers and applause) ( band
playing ) >> stephen: welcome to the show! >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: our pleasure. i'm honored to have you here. as i said, you arecrime fighter. are you the batman? >> no. >> stephen: you're not. i am not the batman. i am theaughter) >> stephen: you have a lot of
before we get to some of the big ones, i want to ask you, how is the law doing because you areerson. how is american law and law enforcement doing right now? >> you know, american law and law enforcement are great. >> stephen: mm-hmm. the law is what we use to this great country. it's what i get to use every day to keep the american people safe, to protect their liberties, to protect their civil rights, and i've got the world because i get to work in it every day (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how do you feel about the people who look at the government? some people look at lawhe government and see jack-booted thugs, you know, and you would be number one jack-booted thugson who sends the feds in. do you believe that people have a right to be afraid of their government and the enforcement of the laws? >> you know, i think we're at a and how we country. whenever there's great change, there is often a lot ofd tension, at
happened, that are given people a lot of concern with how law enforcement has done its job and we have these country. one of my priorities is working on the relationship between law enforcement and the communities we serve because if we don't have the trust and theommunities that we're sworn to protect, we will not be able to do our jobs and people will not be safe. >> stephen: well there's a lot of tension right now or at least between communities of color and law enforcement right now. i understand you're on, like, a police tour right now to try to improve that.: is that all across the united states? it is only certain communities of color? you yourself, you're a woman of color, i'm not sure everyone knows you're the attorney have you ever been pulled over for being a d.w.b., driving while black, or anything like that? >> no. >> stephen: have you ever faced it yourselff
>> no, i've had a good experience with law enforcement. i have been in law enforcement when you have a security detail also. (laughter) >> stephen: iphones. the justice wants apple to find a backdoor for the iphone they have in their possession from the san bernardino shooters. tim cook said he couldn't dowould have to invent something in order to do that and that is beyond the pale, that is more than he should be asked to do. i assume you disagree with him. >> well,ed publicly in court, and i've had a number of great conversations with tim cook on issues of privaciy. what i will say, though, is is is important to everybody because privacy is an important issue for everyone -- it's important to me as the attorney general and to
if they invent the backdoor, the cracking of the security, then y'all can use it for anything else. he said you can use it to turn on my on me if you wanted to once you had access. >> we're not asking for a backdoor or for him to spy on're asking them to do what the customer wants. the real owner of the phone is the county, the employer of onets that are dead and we ask them to remove the password erase function that get the password wrong over ten times. it's very narrow and focused. >> stephen: do you work for the obama >> i'm in the cabinet. >> stephen: so as attorney general, can you investigate the obama administration even if he didn't want you to? >> it's not a situation that's been
>> stephen: is attorney general an independent position? could you investigation the their asking you to? >> we do our job independently. we look at issues that come up and do independente what the issues are. >> stephen: last night in the debate jorge ramos asked hillary clinton if she is indicted byt would she drop out of the race and she said there is no way that's ever going to happen. can you say as attorney general there is no way hillary clinton will be indicted in thehat's ongoing? >> i get asked that a lot. >> stephen: i just asked youanswer this question? (laughter) (cheers and applause) just fair warning. i'd just love to know. >> no, i always answer the question, and the answer is we don't talk about that are under review in the justice department. there it is. >> stephen: technically, that is an answer, yes.
that is, no matter who'sase, who near the -- no matter whether they're famous or not, we do the same way every single time. we have careerings agents and lawyers looking at this, they look at the facts and the law, come to a recommendation and do independently and we have to do it that way with every case, because if we change because of issue or a famous name even though not tied to politics, no one would have faith in what we did. it's so important to me that the american people can look at what faith that when we come to their aid, when we come to a situation where someone is trying to harm them, that we're going to give it our all and try and get all the in an iphone or stored locker and if, in fact, someone has said something attention and we have to look into it, we look into it in a hurt them concluded. so people have to have that
every ship in the caribbean but hurry, this offer won't last long come seek the royal caribbean 1-800-royalcaribbean. what's the most awarded car company of the year? ranking from top to bottom. luey would be top awarded. there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads at
s. >> stephen: welcome back. a little earlier, we were talking about donor's choose and, again, last year, i helped fund every classroom project inh carolina in a single day (cheers and applause) one of the things i learned later and this made me so happy is some of the projects we funded were at my elementaryi went to when i was a little kid, and it's still there. that really brought backe this is where my life was changed. forever in fourth grade by my teacher, miss katsos. so i went back to my actualint elementary and sat down withrst time in 40 years.
>> stephen! oh, my goodness! >> stephen: hi, ms. katsos! oh, goodness! >> stephen: i'm so good to to see you. >> yes. >> stephen: do you mind if i call you everyone has one teacher that means more than anyone in their childhood and you were it for me. you were my teacher of teachers and you knew me when i was stevebert. >> i did. that's right. >> stephen: what can you tell me about that nine or ten-year-old boy who you taught for one year in the earlys steve col-bert, how about that? >> one of the brightest students
it was amazing. >> stephen: please, go on, don't ber) >> i remember you were an avid reader. >> stephen: i did. i liked to read. do you see any of him in me now? a lot of boy in your, stephen. you love life, enjoy people and you were dramatic a bit, so the drama still comes out. (laughter) me a special test after school one day in the spring, i think, of 1974. i remembered for many years you could push the timer to start it and making you laugh. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: and wanting to make you laugh again to see if i could make you laugh every timet i could answer the question. you recorded me. >> i recorded it on a little cassette. this is the original tape and i even labeled it stephen colbert. ht, we'll move to the
and this one is going to bemate. if i cut an apple in pieces will i have? >> you will have two. >> stephen: a little fast.ennies an his mother gave him two more. how many pennies did he have altogether? >> six. you're too fast! (laughter) >> stephen: i can't believe you saved that tape all these years. >> i did. >> stephen: i hate to disappoint you. i did not have the greatest you. you were the last teacher i tried for. >> as it turned out, everything came out wonderful. >> stephen: everything came out just fine. so the lesson we're trying to you don't really have to apply yourself. >> well... >> stephen: no, we got it. i think that's the lesson. before we go. would you do me? >> would be glad to.
this? >> oh, stephen, you are a star. (cheers and applause)hen. >> stephen: we'll be back with a performance by brian fallon! (cheers and applause) see? people wear their most stylish and glamorous clothes in the dark. people get brave and daring in the dark. in the dark, bowling is less sad,ensive, and making out so if all this good stuff happens in the dark, wouldn't you want a camerare things... ...in the dark? the new galaxy s7 edge with low-light camera. in our house, imagbut at my table, i keep the like country crock's made with real simple ingredients. and no artificial flavors or preservatives. taste from real ingredients.
show? oh-oh-oh so come on, give me something, up all night you say, my baby all this time in between drives me crazy fire going mad with desire i don't wanna survive i want a wonderful life i want a wonderful life like it goes from a dream to a crash and a roll just shaking up everyone maybe there's more thane that become heavy chains to sink us in tidal waves
take you from the circus show oh-oh-ohsomething come on keep me up all night you say, my babyen drives me crazy i want a life on fire going mad with desire i don't wanna survivelifes they always end the same with the blacktop, blacktop coming from behindgame from the living dead buzzing in my head they keep me up all night you say, my baby in between drives me crazy i want a life on fire
i want a wonderful life all my sins were born in a kiss on a night like thisonely hearts i want a wonderful life all my sins were born in a kiss on a night like this calling all lonely heartslife ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: brian fallon's debut solo album, "painkillers," is out tomorrow. we'll be right back.
come into steak 'n shake for hand-dipped milkshakes. better yet, come into steak 'n shake for hand-dipped milkshakes r r at half-price during r half-price happier hour, p weekdays, now two to five at steak 'n shake. the four dollar menu at steak 'n shake. featuring handcrafted steakburgers, all-beef footlongs and fresh guacamole made from scratch. the four dollar menu, where all meals are under four dollars,
(cheers and applause) it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jeff daniels, audra mcdonald and mary elizabeth winstead. now stick around for my friend james corden. good night!plause) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned byt wgbh access.wgbh.org are you ready to have some fun would you like some sawses age and bacon