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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 30, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am EDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> thank you, caroline. glen, i want more jokes, please. hey, matt, i want the cat to be >> but he's a cat. >> happy cat! double-space, please. excuse me, guys, i love the so song. up tempo. thank you. burrito. [ sirens ] >> every day, ugh. >> how can i help you, officer? >> license and registration. >> i have to do my show now, sir. >> license and registration. >> okie-deoke, let me just --
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stephen colbert." tonight john krasinski. and now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thank you so much. whew. whew. thanks, ladies and gentlemen. that feels good. ha-ha. yes.
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thanks very much. all right. all right. have a good night. hey, welcome to the show, everybody. welcome to "the late show." good to see you. how is everybody feeling tonight all right? [ cheers and applause ] all righty. me, too. me, too. i feel good. i feel free, being me. i'm stephen colbert and as we know, you guys have been watching the news, the first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. [ laughter ] hillary clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. she rehearses over and over again to perfect the pacing and substance of her presentation. of course, you know she's the
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"uh, i'll answer your question, mr. moderator, but may i point out, you forgot to give us any homework today." meanwhile, donald trump is all about spectacle. one former aid said "trump wants to be a showstopper in the roman coliseum, the main event at wrestlemania." which makes sense since just like pro wrestling, you look at trump's campaign and say "that's got to be fake!" [ laughter ] now politicians, sarah palin. [ laughter ] mrs. palin just posted on facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something called "rock-running." not sure what rock-running is, but i think it's when you jog while playing air guitar, and whew. and whew. no guitar?
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[ guitar music ] [ laughter ] you just found out the entire band is preregard recorded every night. -- prerecorded every night. they're standing there doing that every time. listen to what happened. palin fell and hit her head on a rock. don't worry, she's ok or, you know, the same. and the proof that sarah palin hasn't lost a step is somehow turned her own head injury into an attack on hillary clinton. this is her actual post on facebook. "leave hillary alone, bullies. aww, c'mon guys, give her a break, anyone could be out of commission for weeks on end whilst in the heat of battle for the highest office in the land. heck, even those of us claiming to be fit as a -- seasoned? -- fiddle hit bumps in the wellness road.
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i -- remember piper's middle name is "grace" mine isn't rock-running recently. i tripped over my own two feet and crashed and burned face-first. glad for hillary's protective media's precedence. next woman running for potus has no need to answer to much of anything. for we've got weddings to plan and down-dogs to do and cookies in the oven. just leave us alone, boys." now i would chalk that up to head trauma, if it doesn't sound like everything else she says. any way, she is injured. now, i'd like to wish sarah palin a speedy recovery and would like to do it in a language shied understand so first -- she'd understand so first, governor palin, i hope you rest up there, heck, what with the rock-runing and the stone sciping and the boulder bingo, remember my middle name is tyrone with the media cover-up of the danger zone and everybody's cutting footloose, loosey goosey good for the gander, good for the planner of
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oh the cookies are pred ready, hey, track. trig. trig-track, break up your mamma's back. why? because our veterans "drill, baby, drill." try our mozzarella sticks, ask me about free shipping. god bless it. so just leave us alone, voices. [ applause ] the election itself is just 70 days away and there's some shocking news that change everything. for more, let's go to my colleague wolf blitzer at the "late show" news desk. woolf? >> breaking news we're following. we're learning that hackers have breached databases for election systems in illinois and arizona with the personal data of as many as 200,000 registered voters has apparently been compromised. >> stephen: i can't believe our election has been hacked! i mean, election rolls are always guarded by our most tech-savvy volunteers!
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your service -- fortunately the f.b.i. knows who's responsible for this haq. >> u.s. intelligence officials are telling nbc news that russian hackers were behind two recent attempts to breach state voter registration systems. the breachs are fueling concerns that the russian government may be trying to interfere with the u.s. presidential election. >> stephen: folks, we cannot let the russians mess with presidential elections. next will be something like "the voice." the illinois election boys say they don't expect a hack to affect the integrity of the election. i'm here to reassure america that everything's under control. please welcome the chairman of the illinois board of elections. sir, thank you so much for joining us.
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>> hello? i am illinois chairman johnny cowboy. >> stephen: thank you for being here, chairman cowboy. now, your state was recently hacked. how are things going over there? >> oh, everything is hunkey-normal in lincolnland. america's one-cent penny man! >> stephen: glad to hear it. what about the rest of the country? is it going to be ok? >> everything is safe,af safe. no need to strengthen security measures, like in the key swing state of ohio or as we like to call it here in america, the new ukraine. >> stephen: i don't think we call it that. >> is what is going to be on voting machine. >> stephen: well, you're the expert. what if there's another hack attempt, though? what should the states do to defend themselves? >> oh, excellent question. excellent question, we will send
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click link to update password! and for mega volume, make her say, "wow, wow, wow!" >> stephen: thank you for that security measure, sir. >> go, michael jordan baseball! go! >> stephen: chairman johnny cowboy, everybody. thank you, chairman. thank you very much. say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ?[ music ]? [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: i missed my segue already. that was nice. my apple fitness tracker said i had negative steps.
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is talking about tonight is the story everybody will be talking about tomorrow, because it's donald trump. trump is planning a major immigration policy speech wednesday in arizona. now, he was originally supposed to give it last thursday in colorado, so it moved later and further south. if he delays it again, it's monday at the panama canal. but he has to give this speech sooner or later, because immigration has gone from being the one thing everyone they tht trump to "and i'm quoting his supporters here,," huh?" so i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. huh? so it's time to clear this up, but not too much, because while what trump's saying now sounds confused and meaningless, he might just be confused and meaningless like a fox.
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"werd." "double fission." now -- "double vision." now, vehicles, from the very beginning, trump's campaign has been based on two things: he's based it on "built -- build the wall" and "deport 'em all." and, folks, that worked great in the primaries, but just look at any recent poll. the thing is, in recent polls, trump's numbers have you see, his attacks on mexicans and muslims are clearly hurting him with moderate voters. so, just last week in a townhall hall -- town hall, trump toned down his immigration tough talk. >> is there any part of the law that you might be able to change that would accommodate those people that contribute to society, have been law-abiding, have kids here? >> there certainly could be a softening. >> stephen: yes there could be a
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age. but that day, -- but the next day, he went soft on the softening. >> he used the word softening. >> i don't think it's a softening, i think -- >> but 11 million people are no longer going to be deported. >> i would say it's a hardening. >> stephen: ok, so it's a softening that's also a and i -- i need to say i believe trump, because at the town hall, the night before right after he announced the initial softening, he immediately hardened it. who -- >> who wants those people thrown out? >> i do! >> i love this guy. this is my guy! >> stephen: do you hear that? he just said he wouldn't throw anyone out but then one guy
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suddenly he's like, "this is my guy," and that -- that is innovative leadership. you see, for years, politicians have been so afraid of immigration reform that they wouldn't take any position. now, donald trump has taken two. and this isn't -- this is yours. this is mine. this is not flip-flopping. he's not saying "up" and then his position say firm "up and down." and it's not just mexicans. he also has clear positions on muslims. >> jond j. trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. >> stephen: firm. now, let's try soft. >> it's a temporary ban. it hasn't been called for yet. no one's done it. this is just a suggestion.
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a suggestion and no one's called for it, and he called for it, does that mean he's nobody? plus, trump has promised to bring overseas jobs back to america. and at the same time, his shirts are made in bangladesh, his ties in china, his suits in mexico. so whatever you believe, trump agrees with you. i don'kn getting 100% of the vote. so, to win this election, trump is going to have to take every position on every issue other than obviously whether hillary should be president. >> she would be a terrible president. well, i know her, and she would make a good president. >> stephen: wow! he is a fant-terrible!
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?[ music ]? >> stephen: we b everybody. welcome back. my first guest tonight is an actor/director and overall nice yet surprisingly hunky guy. his latest film is "the hollar hollars." >> this is stacey's house? >> yeah. >> come on! you divorced her like years ago! >> it was a divorce. i don't want a strange man
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>> we have to go. >> what is it? >> they're by the window. >> that doesn't work! >> don't talk. just get down. >> he's coming. he's coming. he's coming. he's coming. he's coming. >> he's coming over! >> he's coming over? i'm going to kill you! i'm going to kill you! this is very upsetting to me. >> stephen: please welcome john krasinski. [ cheers and applause ] ?[ music ]? >> stephen: nice to have you back. good to see you. >> great to be back. >> stephen: i don't believe you get to do this every night. >> this is awesome. >> stephen: it's awesome when i have a guest like you. >> that's very nice. >> stephen: well, i paid him to
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>> you took me to diner to say that. >> stephen: the last time you were here -- >> we became best friends. >> stephen: kind of became best friends. >> i figured if i said it on camera, it'd be official. >> stephen: want to shake on it? >> sure. >> stephen: want to hug on it? >> sure. >> stephen: let your head back on the camera side because i know how showbiz friendship works. >> you know this is my better side? >> stephen: i do. i do. you don't have a bad side. people think, "oh, it's true? >> stephen: the last time you were here, we went out to dinner together. people always say that. people don't end up doing that. >> i first stalked you. remember i said? remember i said? >> stephen: you did a little bit. you did a little bit. i was lying in my bed with my wife and you said "when are we doing this?" i couldn't believe you said that. it's very show business to say let's go to dinner but to do it.
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what's with fake guns in hollywood? people love it. but i did, i asked to you come to dinner. i didn't think you would ever come to dinner. you're very busy. you're very beloved. >> stephen: i am, yeah. you're the very first person to say the busy part. i'll take the love, too. you and your lovely wife are the first famous friends that i've made. i have friends that are famous, don't get me wrong, but the only reason that we is we were famous together on camera. >> that's right. yeah. yeah. we did make history, though. >> stephen: what'd we do? >> it was one of the best shows ever. yeah? no? you don't remember? >> stephen: you were here. we got the report back, it was good. >> it was good? >> stephen: they said it was one of the best ever. >> we met during the kennedy center honors. >> stephen: oh shoot! that's when we did meet. i'm sorry. >> wow, we're no longer best friends. you don't even remember the first time you met me! >> stephen: we sat in each
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center because you and your lovely wife emily blunt offered me a ride. your car for whatever reason was allowed to drive up to the portico of the white house and ours wasn't. >> yep. >> stephen: what the hell does that mean? >> i don't know what it means but i took it as a huge, huge confidence-booster. and then i said, "why don't you get in our car?" >> stephen: seriously, we did end up sitting on each other's laps or something. smart car to pick us up but we were crammed in there talking like this i remember. i want to point out that i think i picked up dinner. >> when we just had dinner? >> stephen: yeah, i think i paid for it. >> that's silly. i was doing it to impress you. i always pick up dinner. >> stephen: i went to the bathroom. when i came back, "it was all taken care of." >> that's my move. >> stephen: i had a fuller bladder.
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>> stephen: how is your lovely wife? just had a baby, right? >> just had a baby! yes. thank you. thank you very much. i did so much. >> stephen: did you something. >> i just stood there like, oh my god, is it happening? >> stephen: this is your second baby? >> second >> hazel. >> stephen: and vyelet. >> i love -- and violet. >> i love it. that's what it is. >> stephen: old lady names. >> we went on the internet site kids' names. both of the names weren't popular since 1890. and i thought, well take names pre-car. that's what we'll do. >> stephen: sure, dress the kids up in bustles every night. your wife, the lovely emily blunt, she -- >> she'll love this she'll love this. >> stephen: you think so?
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wouldn't want to be described as lovely, right? >> i think so. >> stephen: also an old way to describe someone as lovely. >> if you say it with an accent. oh, she's lovely. >> stephen: we're broadcasting live right now. no, but she's english and you're american and how are you raising the kids? that must be a tough choice. >> well, so we don't have problems with accents, we're raising them that they can't speak. >> stephen: oh, ok. >> and then at 18, they'll be like, surprise, i have ait accent. our oldest kind of sounds like madonna right now. like a little bit of both. a little bit of both. >> stephen: how old is she? >> 2 1/2. she's got a little bit of a british accent. she says stuff like woota. dada,, may have a woota? i say, "can we go to the playground?"
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>> stephen: you're going to talk show tonight. she says, "i'm going to the chat show." >> i lost the battle of a lifetime because my wife got to play mary poppins. some people didn't know. before you cheer, picture the demise of my cool factor in my house. i'll never be cool again. zeph steph oh, because mom -- . >> stephen: oh, because mom is mary poppins. >> look at the movie dad did. oh, mary poppins. >> stephen: at best, you're mr. darling. >> no i'm adorable. >> stephen: no. the character's name. >> i know what you said. i am adorable. you keep calling her lovely. i want to take something from her. >> stephen: you got a lot. you're both adorable or you should be described as adorkable. used to be. not anymore. because now you're hunky. >> oh, thanks.
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movie you pumped up for. are you still jacked? look at you! just look! can i feel? can i? wow. >> pretty good, right? >> stephen: let me get in there. >> that's all right. that's all right. that's ok. in about two more months, you can try it, ok? >> stephen: um, um, i'll tell you what, why don't we cut to commercial break and i'll feel your abs while we're on commercial break and i'll report back to everybody else.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're back here. we're back here with the adorable john krasinski. ok? >> i fought for it and i got it. >> stephen: exactly right. we had him notarized as adorable. your new film was called "the
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when you first came out here. what was the casting process like in this film? >> i was attached to the actor six or seven years ago. the financier couldn't get it made. he said, buy the script out and try to make it as your own. i said, that sounds like a terrible financial decision to me. i decided to go for it any way it's a really incredibly special movie. it's a movie i used to love growing up, family movies like "terms of endearment" and things power of family i'm big into. >> stephen: it's a genre you don't see much anymore. >> it's true. i hope this movie -- people ask me, "what do you hope for the movie?" usually when you do press stories, you say "go see the movie because i'm in it." this is the first time that i am saying "i don't care if you see it because i'm the director and actor -- ". >> stephen: you're the director, too? >> yes i am.
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>> stephen: do you become impatient with an actor that doesn't take your note? >> no, not at all. to be honest, we have the greatest actors in this movie. if you know the characters in this movie, they're great people. great people. >> stephen: as a director -- i was a waiter for many years. if i get bad service as a restaurant, i have no patience. i have no patience for that. >> really? >> stephen: yeah. yeah. yeah. yeah. >> wow! >> stephen: i'm not a better customer. i'm a much worse customer >> when we were at dinner, were you judging? totally judging that guy? >> stephen: yes. one-minute approach? was there something wrong with the dish? just take it away. don't [ bleep ] debate me! take it away. so, in the same way as a director talking to an actor, just like, "i'm the director, do what i say! roll 'em!" >> if we go back on what you just said, that's how i talk to my actors. i melt a lot the when they're
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they're like, "hey, i was wondering" i try to act through them the best way to do it no, god, if i did that, i hope they would slap me in the face. >> stephen: i would go see that. >> you would? you would? ok. not the movie, you just want to see the outtakes of people slapping me? >> stephen: are there outtakes of the movie? >> there'll be outtakes when it comes out on dvd. you'll pay for it because we're best friends now. >> stephen: i've already established i paid for dinner though. shouldn't you pick up the movie tickets? >> if you want to fight about this, we can. >> stephen: we should call a fake and then there's the makeup sex. >> that's what i look forward to the most. >> stephen: let's point out that our wives are watching this. your lovely wife and my lovely wife. one thing that you and i have in common and your wife also actually enjoys is doing puke takes. fake vomiting. something i had a lot of fun
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corral -- carell. would you like to do more fake vomiting with me now? >> i'll do it all day every day. >> stephen: ok, great. and because -- let's do because you and i both have lovely lives and because they're the only women in the world that would probably put up with this, why don't i suggest we do a shakespearean sonnett a love poem to our wives, all right? and you talk to yours over there and i'll talk to mine over here and obviously -- >> emily, >> stephen: that's technology over there. that's not a real person. if you want to begin, i'll follow you. puke take, shakespeare. >> emily, shall i compare thee to a summer's -- [ laughter ] thou art more lovely and mor more -- . >> stephen: --
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darling buzz of -- and summer's lead has all too short a da day -- . >> stephen: sometime too hot the eye of -- of heaven -- heave heaven -- and often is gol gold -- is gold -- and every fair from fair sometimes chance or nature's -- nature' nature's -- changing course untrimm'd. >> stephen: but thy eternal summer shall not -- fade nor
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fair -- fair -- fair thousand ow'st. >> nor shall death brag thou wander'st in this shade, when in eternal lines to time thou grow'st. >> so -- so long as men can breathe or eyes can see, so -- so long lives this, and this gives life to thee. >> stephen: end scene. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> i hope they appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ]
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now. john krasinski, everybody. we'll be right back with adam brody.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. my next guest tonight starred in the "o.c." and now has a new show on crackle called "start-up." please welcome adam brody! hey there, adam brody! >> hi. ?[ music ]? >> i like to read. >> stephen: did you want to read the script for the interview we're about to do right now? >> yeah, i do. >> stephen: i memorized all of my lines. >> i'll go with it. i'll follow the. >> stephen: nice to meet you. >> thank you for having me.
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way to do this show? >> fashion, fashion disaster. i left my suit on the plane. >> stephen: left it? >> well, to be determined. >> stephen: to me, it looks like this was a theft. >> it slowly becomes stuff of legend in the last 12 hours, which is so silly. >> stephen: did you steal this and -- >> no, but i think i borrowed it from the good people at armani, they're very nice. when a fashion disaster strikes -- . >> stephen: will you introduce me? i want something from them. w looks like a gucci, yeah, not too shabby. >> stephen: not too bad. gucci, armani, ciao, bella. >> i left the plane, i turned around right when i went to baggage claim. i left. i had them hang it for me i just took a carry-on and a suit. >> stephen: you're in first class, my friend. back in coach, they say, "would you like us to compost that for you?" [ laughter ] >> but, yeah, i asked and they
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>> stephen: i have a bone to pick with you. on "the o.c." your character, seth, was described -- couldn't get a girl described as something of a dork, ok? that is him. couldn't get a girl, ok? >> in fairness, it's pretty dorky itself. >> stephen: it's pretty dorky? no, this is me in high school. that's dorky. ok? i'm sorry. >> you know take off the makeup and that's very much the fox television version of you. >> stephen: exactly. this is who you're playing on "the o.c.." but were you actually -- were you actually a dork when you were in high school? >> not -- not really, but i wasn't very cool either. my high school was actually -- it was so melo -- i was one of the first graduating classes that started. i started as a freshman. it was new. it felt like a community colle college. i don't remember there being a
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was just -- my group did our own thing. >> stephen: if you don't remember there being a social hierarchy, that means -- >> well. >> stephen: that means -- yeah, you know. that's like a lion going, "i don't remember anybody getting eaten in the jungle." >> i don't remember a prom king or anything like that. >> stephen: wasn't you? >> certainly wasn't me, although i was talking to a buddy two days ago who we were freshmen water polo players -- that was the only year i played. >> stephen: you were on the water polo team? >> and -- and before -- it was a very embarrassing thing. i wasn't -- i hadn't gone through puberty when i was a freshman and, um, he recalls getting hung by his speedo, he and another kid, and i wasn't, i wasn't one of those kids. so there was -- i guess there was seniors hanging kids by their speedos. >> stephen: and not you? >> and not me. it's ok. i made it out all right.
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right? >> correct. correct. >> stephen: do you still surf? >> i do. i do. i hurt myself recently. six weeks ago. hurt my knee. thank you. >> stephen: how'd that happen? >> you i was just kind of a -- oh, ah. >> stephen: i don't speak the lingo, my friend. >> i landed on it wrong. >> stephen: are you afraid of sharks or anything? is this in california you're surfing? >> yes. >> stephen: aren't you on the shark map there -- that's what i call the surf board -- when your arms and legs are off, you look like a giant, juicy seal. >> i grew up surfing. never thought about it. never saw a shark. i stopped surfing for my 20's. when i got back in the water infrequently, then all of a sudden i had this -- it's sort of an -- it's rationale but statistically it's irrational and then i do have a little bit -- i put my feet up sometimes on the board when i'm waiting but it's still a -- you
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to be scared of. >> stephen: exactly. >> than sharks. >> stephen: exactly. this in no way -- >> what a horrible way to die. >> stephen: it would be a horrible way to die. i hope no one plays this footage later of you. >> for a laugh -- . >> stephen: it would be funny. >> it would be funny. it would be really funny. >> you've got my consent. >> stephen: entertainment tonight would play this footage and then they'd play their mus music. >> i won't say who died today but in all the headlines, they always go how about like, "dies at 80?" they just stamp "dead" on the news now and i don't like it. >> stephen: i don't like it either. >> team wilder is who i'm referring to. >> stephen: so sad, wonderful comedic actor and wonderful man, evidently. [ cheers and applause ] [ applause ] and as far as i know, as far as i know, no sharks involved. well, adam, thank you so much for being here.
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we'll be right back with a performance by st. paul and the broken bones. thank you, adam. broken bones. thank you, adam. ?[ music ]? prep-cook by night.y, also, his name is sous. no. sloppy joseph. a middle-aged man who's trying to get his life together, but he can't - he's to sloppy. huhhh - no! here you go. i got this. i get cash back so it's like everything's on sale. with the blue cash everyday card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. everything's on sale! a home shopping show takes place on a sailboat. that's the one! banana boat dessert on me. look at you being all lactose tolerant. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express. today sarah's class is reading my most celebrated work, hamlet. but, alas, poor sarah's home again with tooth pain. it's more than cash back. she's missing out on the rich classroom discussion and catching up on social media instead.
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[ cheers and applause ]
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the power of energizer.
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what body aches? what knee pain? what sore elbow? advil liqui-gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil. man, i'm glad aflac pays cash. isn't major medical enough? no! who's gonna' help cover the holes in their plans? aflac! like rising co-pays and deductibles... aflac! or help pay the mortgage? or child care? aflaaac! and everyday expenses? aflac! learn about one day pay at
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>> stephen: here performing "all i ever wonder", ladies and gentlemen, st. paul and the broken bones! ( cheers and applause ) ? ? ? ? velvet fist in the gut while everyone is slinging mud ? jesus found his politics but nobody listens ? rent will rise ? rent will rise but our doctors keep us high ? we can't get too low i know it's all broken
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is it hell, is it well? ? can anybody even tell? i can't tell what side i'm on ? i can't tell what's right or wrong ? we can't ever just sing one song ? love goes hate goes now i'm left all alone but we get lost in the sights ? follow your sister please just try to hold her tighter ? i can't seem to focus
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? is it hell, is it well? can anybody even tell? ? i can't tell what side i'm on i can't tell what's right or ? wrong we can't ever just sing one song ? love goes, hate goes now i'm left all alone ? all i ever wondered all i ever wondered all i ever wondered ? all i ever wondered would we make it through ? make it through i can't tell what side i'm on ? i can't tell what's right or wrong ? we can't ever just sing one
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? love goes, hate goes now i'm left all alone ? i'm just wandering i can't tell what side i'm on ? i can't tell what's right or wrong ? we can't ever just sing one song ? love goes, hate goes now i'm left all alone ? love goes, hate goes
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: their album, "sea of noise," comes out september 9! st. paul and the broken bones, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) hillary clinton: i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. bob kidder, owner, new england shirt company: this
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ing shirts labled made in america. but donald trump's brand of shirts come from china, his suits from mexico, his coats from india. trump's products have been made in twelve other countries because he says there's no place in america that he can make them. well there is. you know donald trump says he'll make america great again while
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be christian slater, congressman john lewis and chris geere. now, stick around for our friend james corden and his guests, patricia arquette, allison pill and justin bartha. good night! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ? are you ready to have some fun ? feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ? your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right


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