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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  December 7, 2016 12:37am-1:37am EST

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[ cheers and applause ] ?? >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- shaquille o'neal -- comedian and author abbi jacobson -- music from miranda lambert -- featuring the 8g band with abe cunningham. ?? [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, everybody i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that's great. in that case let's get to the news, vice president joe biden said yesterday that he may run for office in 2020 telling reporters, quote, "what the hell, man." i don't know how to tell you this joe but we already elected
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donald trump -- donald trump is reportedly considering a fast food ceo for labor secretary. "oh, i'm not the burger king," said newt gingrich. [ laughter ] donald trump said on twitter today that he wants to cancel plans to build a new air force one because he feels like it's costing too much money. well hey, if the wright brothers could build a plane i'm sure the [ laughter ] today in 1884 the washington monument was completed. and if george washington were here today to see it he would probably say, "that looks nothing like me." [ light laughter ] "what do the other ones look like? well let me see the lincoln memorial. well, that looks like him. i hate it." [ light laughter ]
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it's the first time anything involving paul ryan could be described as lit. [ applause ] the cleveland cavaliers have announced that nearly half of their players will not stay at a trump hotel in new york out of protest. and just to drive the point home they're going to stay in the woods with hillary clinton. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] according to twitter the top global hashtag trends of this year were #rio2016, #election2016 and #pokemongo. and in fourth place of course was hashtag, "what is happening this can't be real please someone make this godforsaken year end." [ cheers and applause ] governor chris christie currently has a 19% approval rating in new jersey.
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[ applause ] kfc in new zealand has released a special holiday candle that smells like fried chicken. [ audience groans ] kfc customers are calling the candle hard to chew. [ light laughter ] a religious leader in ghana is claiming that he can make men's penises' larger by massaging them with his ha said one out of ten guys, "whoa, it worked." [ light laughter ] that's right. a religious leader in ghana is claiming that he can make men's penises' larger by performing a ritual where he massages them with his hands. said teenage boys, "go -- go away mom, i'm performing a religious ritual!" we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we have some fantastic guests. he was just inducted into the
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for tots, our friend shaquille o'neal is back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we're also joined by one of my favorite actresses and comedians. she's the creator and star of "broad city." and now she's written a very funny book, "carry this book." abbi jacobson is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and on top of all that, we're gonna have music from country super star miranda lambert this evening. [ cheers and applause ] so you're here on a good night. now here every night at the show jokes like these comprised and written by a diverse team of writers and as a result of that diversity a lot of the jokes that come across my desk due to me being a straight, white, male would be difficult for me to deliver. but they're great jokes so we don't think it should stop us from telling them to you. so we'd like to share them with you in a segment we call, "jokes seth can't tell." ??
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these are two of our writers amber and jenny. >> i'm black. >> and i'm gay. >> and we're both women. >> seth: and i'm not. so here's how this works. i'll read the set ups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punch lines. here we go. lady gaga and madonna visited an lgbt center in new york on thanksgiving day. >> "it worked!" said a gay man holding a wishbone. [ laughter ] >> seth: the mall of america recently hired its first ever black santa. >> the good kids get presents and the bad kids broke off in they ass. [ laughter ] >> seth: really? i don't know if i could have told that as well. >> you could not have. >> seth: yeah. the tv show "younger" recently featured a character who is an orthodox jewish lesbian and refers to herself as an "orthodyke." >> as opposed to catholic lesbians who refer to themselves as nuns. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: now, now, now, now. jenny i'm not technically sure you can tell that joke. >> oh, i'm catholic. >> seth: oh okay, cool. [ laughter ]
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>> seth: okay, that was a test. you are catholic. [ laughter ] an african american center at north carolina state university recently hosted a kwanzaa celebration. >> "how was it?" said black people to their white friends. [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, so black people don't celebrate kwanzaa? >> but white people love it. [ laughter ] >> seth: a new survey revealed that one of the most popular terms searched by american women looking for porn is "ebony lesbian." >> an ebony lesbian, is like a regular lesbian except she al c >> jenny, you cannot tell that joke! >> i'm sorry. how many have ebony lesbians have you slept with? >> point. point. you do have a point. >> seth: oh, yeah. [ laughter ] >> no, get out of our high five. >> seth: no? >> no, you cannot. >> no. [ light laughter ] >> seth: according to a recent article more than 75% of black americans are overweight. >> but according to a recent black article, "nuh-uh."
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>> seth: on the recent episode of the cw show "supergirl," supergirl's sister came out as a lesbian. >> viewers became suspicious when she referred to a penis as kryptonite. [ laughter ] >> seth: so penises, are lesbians kryptonite? >> i mean they're my kryptonite. >> seth: amber, what's your kryptonite? >> dogs. >> seth: oh. >> what's your kryptonite, seth? >> seth: you know when you get chatty. >> oh, gross. gross. white people problems. [ laughter ] >> seth: wait, so getting back to the kryptonite thing, does that mean you don't like superman? >> i don't but i love clark kent. >> seth: why is that? >> because he looks like rachel maddow. >> seth: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> hey, seth! why don't you tell one? >> seth: oh, no! i would get in trouble if i told one of these jokes! >> come on, buddy! >> seth: i don't think it's a good idea! i think i'm going to get in a lot of trouble. >> do it, seth! >> seth: okay. >> okay. [ laughter ]
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bisexual, make less money than their straight or gay counter parts. but on the bright side they have a lot more openings available. [ audience ohs ] >> how dare you! >> seth: you promised me that i could! >> you should be ashamed of yourself! >> seth: you said it would be okay. you made fun of catholics! you're going to hell! >> i probably am! >> seth: black women and lesbians are liars! ?? >> seth: we'll be right back with shaquille o'neal. [ cheers and applause ] ?? sometimes, you feel the need to take... a smellfie. hanes wants to end the smellfie. those quick self sniffs...to check the ol' smell levels.
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?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to late night everybody. back sitting with us tonight he is a founding member of the ground breaking and grammy award-winning, californise abe cunningham, everybody. right over there. [ cheers and applause ] and please give it up for our entire 8-g band with us every night over there. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight, is a four time nba champion, a 15 time nba all star, and recent inductee into the basketball hall of fame. he's currently an nba analyst on tnt. please welcome back to the show our friend shaquille o'neal. [ cheers and applause ]
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?? >> seth: great to see you again. >> nice to see you brother. >> seth: always a pleasure and congratulations. since the laim here, inducted into the nba hall of fame. >> oh, thank you. i appreciate that. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: now is that -- it that the nba hall of fame ring. >> this is not the official hall of fame ring. >> seth: i was gonna say, that doesn't look official. >> yeah, this is -- this is one that i had made for myself. >> seth: okay. >> as youngster i'm programmed -- [ laughter ] yeah, as a youngster i was always programmed, to -- when i win something i would give it to my father. and i finally asked him why he did that and his reasoning was, he never wanted me to get satisfied. >> seth: got it.
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away i dedicated a room in my house to him but i didn't want to wear that one. >> seth: gotcha. >> 'cause it was special. so i just put it in his room so i just had a new one made. >> seth: and did you make the design yourself? did you know exactly what you wanted? >> of course i did. [ laughter ] of course i did. yes, it has a number. >> seth: so wait -- >> hall of fame. >> seth: yep. >> the heat. i won one championship with the heat. >> seth: lakers in three, that's fantastic. and were you happy with the craftsmanship? did you like what you got? >> i did it myself, so yes. >> >> seth: but wait, obviously you weren't, you know, carving it out or anything? >> yes, i did everything myself. [ laughter ] >> seth: how was the induction ceremony? you were there for a great class of people. allen iverson, yao ming. >> allen iverson, yao ming. >> seth: sheryl swoops. >> sheryl swoops. it was actually -- it was actually wonderful. it was a great event and when i realized that it was going to happen so soon. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, i would like to think that it would eventually happen. you know later down the line but it just happened so quick.
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children there and my family there. my woman was there. so it was a great day. >> seth: and you actually were helpful -- yeah, congratulations, you were helpful because -- [ cheers and applause ] yao ming was also there, and there was a moment where they had to put his hall of fame jacket on him. and that's really a job for a -- basically you were the only other guy there who could do it. [ laughter ] >> i was actually sitting there and we were there all day, it was like taking all day. and the guy was -- i was like let me do it. [ laughter ] let me do it, so we can get out of here. but he's a nice guy. funny thing about yao ming, the first three years that i played against him we never spoke. so one time he hit me with a nice move i was like, "that was a great move." he's like, "thanks my brother." [ laughter ] i was like, "you speak english?" he was like, "yeah shaq, i speak english. you never talk to me." [ laughter ] i was like -- he set me up the whole time. >> seth: was it -- you mention your father. was it an emotional night for
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you're so effusive all the time. was it an emotional day at all? >> it was emotional. but i had a lot of people texting me, "i bet you $20,000 that you're going to cry." so i was sitting up there i was just thinking, "cookies." [ laughter ] "frosted flakes. cereal. swimming." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: and now you mention got heat and lakers on your ring there. won championships with both. and now you're getting a number retired with the heat as well. yes? >> seth: so that must be a nice moment as well. >> nice moment. i remember when i got traded from the lakers and moved to miami. i was -- just messing around. it was like a scene from "the warriors." i pulled up in a truck and there was a thousand people there. and i opened my big mouth and i said, "i'm going to bring a championship to the city!" and the first year we almost got it done, and the next year we did get it done. so thank you to the arison family and the riley family for retiring the jersey. yes. >> seth: fantastic. congratulations on that as well.
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now you are a self-described ambassador of fun. this is a title you've bestowed on yourself. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> seth: correctly bestowed. if you had not bestowed it on yourself i would happily bestow it on you now. >> thank you. >> seth: but i think we have video evidence that proves there's no man more deserving than ambassador of fun. this is you at a bar mitzvah. >> oh -- [ laughter ] >> seth: let me just say. >> shalom. shalom. [ laughter ] >> seth: you got the moves. let's take a look. ?? ?? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you know they say -- they always say white people can't dance. but then you see a room full of jews and you say, "you know what." [ laughter ] >> no they were -- i'm not going to say that. you can say that. i can't say that. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's a joke seth can tell. yeah. >> exactly, yeah.
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>> i have a question. >> seth: yeah. >> is that you, right there? >> seth: is this me where? >> the little figurine. >> seth: yeah, that's me here. >> that's awesome. >> seth: yeah, right i had a cartoon. >> you did? >> seth: yeah it was on hulu. it was called "the awesomes." and that was me. i got to be that guy's voice. would you like it? >> yes. can i have it? [ laughter ] thanks. [ laughter ] >> seth: well now, hold on. [ cheers and applause ] >> oh it's one of the ones, please put him right here. >> seth: there we go. perfect. there you go. >> don't you move little sethie. [ laughter ] that's his name, sethie. hey sethie. [ laughter and applause ] that's awesome. >> seth: yeah. there you go. i'm going to use this as a perfect transition. because you do a lot of stuff for toys for tots and now here we are this season again. and you've been doing that for years. yeah? >> well shaq-a-claus started in 1992. >> seth: okay.
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so when she got done speaking, you know the kids were basically telling her that we're not getting anything for christmas so she called me and was like, "baby can we borrow some money?" and like i heard something was wrong in her voice, and i was like mommy what's wrong? she's like i need to borrow money so i can buy some of these kids some toys. i said how many kids are we talking about? she's like 500. so if can't buy some of them i'll take care of it. >> seth: yeah. >> and then i have a plan, so -- >> seth: and is that that rookie year for you? 92? >> yeah, rookie year. so as i'm riding home, a u-haul place that i'd never seen before ah! [ laughter ] so we pull up to the u-haul place and get about four u-haul trucks. and we just go to toys "r" us and we just wiped toys "r" us out. next day we drop these toys off. i've been with marine toys for tots, and toys "r" us for about nine, ten years and -- [ cheers and applause ] it's -- christmas is supposed to be a day of joy and fun. and it's an astonishing stat
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15.5 million kids will wake up on christmas without one single toy. i actually kind of know how that feels. i don't want any other kids to feel like that. so we urge people to donate toys. old toys. donate money and, you know, we want to try to get rid of that number. >> seth: and just to prove exactly the work you're doing -- [ cheers and applause ] this is you -- this is you at toys "r" us with the receipt of the toys that you bought here in atlanta. and that is -- to be a shaq length receipt that's a lot of toys right there. you -- one of the things we talk about when you're here, is your many business ventures. and i think one day you're going to be in the business hall of fame. because you have been really smart ever since -- throughout your career and since you finished. how do you pick the brands that you decide you're going to go into business with? >> well, i have to really like the brand. i always tell the story that wheaties wanted me to be on the cover on the box of wheaties. and i was like i don't know what that tastes like.
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but if you call frosted flakes, me and tony will look good on the cover. [ laughter ] so frosted flakes turned me down. [ cheers and applause ] but i was on the cover of 13.5 million boxes of fruit loops last year. >> seth: you were, you did fruit loops? >> yes i did. >> seth: there you go. congratulations. >> it was awesome. but, so you know i have to be -- i have to like the product. icy hot really works. >> seth: icy hot really works. >> one time i had a thigh injury, and i rubbed it on my thigh. and it got up to the man area and then, really hot. [ laughter ] so when they came along i was like, "you know what, icy hot works." >> seth: all right. [ laughter ] >> yeah, i'm in. >> seth: and now with your tnt family, with your nba tnt family. is it true that you will gift to them products that you endorse? >> of course. >> seth: so if those guys, barkley is he going to get icy hot this year? >> yeah. he's gonna get icy hot. he's gonna get some krispy kreme, that's hit favorite meal anyway. [ laughter ] he's gonna get some shaq watches, you know get some shaq shoes. shaq everything. >> seth: now, this to me is mind
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>> yes. >> seth: as an investor in google. how did that come about? >> i was sitting at a restaurant one day. and a guy was, you know, talking. asked me if i wanted to invest in something, and talking about search engines, and the way of the future. and i was like, "yeah, i'll do it." [ laughter ] and then funny thing is, i forgot all about it. and i was just reading the paper one day, and it listed everybody who got the big hit from google. and i was like, "i don't believe this." [ laughter ] it was amazing. >> seth: that's fantastic. over the years. not just because it's products you don't believe in. but what you were approached for shaq cologne. >> yes. >> seth: and you did not agree to this. >> it was a guy, made me run on the treadmill for about 30 minutes. and he had these little tubes and he was just like going on my nipple, "get my that one. give my that one." yeah, just like getting sweat. >> seth: so he wanted -- >> behind my ear so, and then he took it. two weeks, made some cologne and it smelled like death. [ laughter ]
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"this is it. this is the essence of you working out. it's going to be a hit." i was like, no, i don't. it was bad. >> seth: i always thought jordan had a cologne. >> yeah, he did. >> seth: but i didn't assume it was like, "make yourself smell like michael jordan." i assumed this is his taste for a scent. >> i mean, i never knew what it took to make cologne or whatever. but this guy had me on the treadmill with all of these wires. [ french accent ] "drip it, get it, get it." >> seth: i don't know. i don't know if that was a real cologne guy. that might have been a weirdo. [ laughter ] >> oh you think so? >>h: a weirdo. >> you think he set me up? >> seth: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] did he find you on craigslist? cause that might have been a weirdo. >> yeah, he was. >> seth: do you have any -- >> "this is the cologne everybody is going to want!" [ laughter ] >> seth: now tell me, do you have any advice for guys in the nba now? like, do you ever tell them as far as like being this pitchman. and being involved in products over their career? >> i just tell them to, you know, be real. don't always just do it for the money. and then i always tell them,
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it's a fact that 70% of all nba players when they're done, they have nothing. so just save their money. it's actually very easy to spend. i spent a million dollars in 30 minutes one time. >> seth: really? >> true story. >> seth: oh my goodness. >> so my first $1 million check i said, you know what, i got a million dollars, i want a new car. so i go buy a benz. 150. i come home and my father said that's nice. where's mine? so in my mind, "a million, minus 150. i got 850 left." right? so i go buy him one. thing. so i bought three cars, but when you're a youngster and you get a $1 million check you forget about fica. >> seth: yeah. >> whoever the hell he is. [ laughter ] fica, i hate you. i do. so -- >> seth: fica's mom and dad also have mercedes benz. i'll tell you. >> so the million dollar check wasn't really a million. it was 600,000. but i spent like, you know, the whole thing in like 30 minutes on cars and jewelry and --
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a father, you had parents who instilled in you a sense of responsibility. do you think the league is doing a better job now, than it did when you came up. as far as trying to help these young kids? >> you know, the league has always done a good job. you know, once a month they send financial advisor people down. you know people that have done drugs and they tell us stories. and you know, try to give us thoughtful tips on where to go, and where not to go. it's a helpful thing. i can't stop hooking at little sethie. >> seth: yeah, well look. that's gonna be -- >> hello sethie. >> seth: here you go. >> toys for talls. i like that. [ laughter ] >> seth: last thing. i've heard talk, you know obviously you've succeeded in sports. you're succeeding in business. anything next? were you considering being a lawyer? is that true? >> yeah. i'm thinking about going to law school. >> seth: that's fantastic. [ cheers and applause ] >> i haven't really decided yet. i may try to get a doctorate in child psychology. >> seth: okay, that'd be great too. >> i just love children. i love hanging out with
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at the house and watch tv. and just -- >> seth: i do, you obviously have a tv family. and i just want to confirm this one last thing here. >> yes. >> seth: this is you, and i believe not only are you on your shirt. but the rest of the tnt family is on your shirt there. >> yes. >> seth: that's ernie. >> yeah, that's ernie, kenny, fat faced chuck, and myself. [ laughter ] and then next to me is my son shareef, uncle jerome, my other son shaqir, and my other son miles. >> seth: well there you go. now is your family upset that the family you chose to represent on your shirt is your work family. >> no. >> seth: okay, good. they're fine. [ laughter ] they're probably happy they're not on your t-shirt. >> yeah, exactly. >> seth: exactly. always a pleasure to see you. always looking forward to seeing what you do next. shaquille o'neal everybody. we'll be right back with abbi jacobson. [ cheers and applause ]
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?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you know our next guest from her work on the fantastic comedy central series "broad city." her illustrated book "carry this book" is in stores now. please welcome back to the show our friend abbi jacobson.
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?? >> seth: how are you? >> good. how are you? >> seth: very good. congratulations on this book. i'm so impressed when people can do multiple things at once. but, i'm also relieved that you have put your energies into this book outside of "broad city" be a talk show host. >> no more competition. >> seth: yeah, like basically -- >> it was either the book or talk show host. >> seth: yeah, and i know this because we were talking and you did -- how old were you when you did your talk show? >> i think i was 8. >> seth: you were 8-years-old and your parents recorded a video of you and your brother doing a talk show? >> and i just will specify i'm technically every guest. >> seth: got you.
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>> seth: this is where you were always meant to be. [ laughter ] so your brother is older? >> my brother is three and a half years older. >> seth: okay. >> and it was actually just one night. >> seth: okay. >> and i think i'm sorry, mom and dad, they had to have been high. >> seth: you sure? >> yeah. >> seth: it was there idea. >> yeah, it was totally their idea. >> seth: this seemed like an idea a kid would have. we want to host a talk show. but, your parents said, "hey, you guys should do a show. and you be all the guests." >> well, okay, so the name of grimley show." so, it was definitely my parents idea. so, it's a mix between arsenio hall -- do you guys. no one cheered for that? [ cheers and applause ] >> and ed grimley. >> seth: okay, martin short. >> martin short. so, i was like, i'm not watching ed grimley as an 8-year-old. >> seth: as an 8-year-old. it probably wasn't your idea. >> so, my brother is arsenio and ed grimley. >> seth: gotcha. and what were some of the guests you played over the course of the show?
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i think i must have been doing the show "oklahoma" in school. >> seth: okay. >> from the footage. >> seth: let's roll the footage. >> oh, no. >> seth: here we go. >> here's our first star tonight. abbi jacobson. >> hi, ladies and gentlemen i'm going to be singing some few songs today, tonight. >> looked like indiana jones. >> seth: yep. >> the first song is "oklahoma." comes sweeping down the plain ? >> hi, eddy. how are you doing? welcome to the show. >> i'm very good. how are you? >> seth: very personable. >> how do you think of the songs? >> i was on a trip across these countries. and i heard these people singing these other songs. and i just made up these songs. >> okay.
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>> i -- um, model. and i'm a fashion designer. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> how old were you when you started to sing? >> 6. >> how old are you now? >> i'm 21. [ laughter and applause ] >> i'm still 21. >> seth: what i'm really embarrassed by, is my next question i was going to ask you is, "what are your hobbies." but, now i know the answer. >> same. i model. [ laughter ] >> seth: what i really like is using -- how you have a kid's table, but your very clearly in an adult kitchen. i'm very clearly in an adult kitchen. >> seth: yeah, looking back. see, i'm older than you. and so there are no video images of me as a child. >> none? >> seth: no nobody had cameras when i was that age. >> i think my dad had just gotten the big legit thing. but, there's only a couple of me. it's all my brother. >> seth: oh, really? >> because they first got the camera with him and they were like oh, we'll put you in. he got tired of using the camera.
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that's the one. >> seth: there you go. you got the one. >> very happy that his late night show ended up on real television. [ laughter ] >> seth: so, "carry this book." so, this is an illustrated book and this is what you started. you were an illustrator. >> yeah. i went to art school. maryland institute college of art. m.i.c.a. [ cheers and applause ] yeah! i think you should just use that. >> seth: i think i might. i'll write him a letter. and see if it's available. >> you're going back. >> seth: i thought i was going >> oh, you're going forward. >> seth: and then you do this when the joke goes bad. oh, oh, oh. >> you should really do that. >> seth: that i'll take. [ laughter ] >> that you'll take. so, i went to art school and then i minored in video. so, sort of doing video i decided i do want to be an actor and writer. but, i did illustration and drawing and painting. >> seth: so, the idea of this is your imagining of what are in celebrity purses and bags. >> i feel like what we carry around with us says so much
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it was like my own fan fiction of what these people might carry. >> seth: so, i want to go through a few of them. here's anna wintour. so, talk through some of the things you thought anna wintour glasses. obviously. >> great. >> seth: jackpot. >> the chipotle burrito card. [ laughter ] i just like that's a great i just feel like her in line at chipotle. i want to see it. this was so fun. i did the september issue like her work book so i got to make up all the fashion stuff. she is really into roger federer. >> seth: she really is into r >> seth: oh, yeah. and so, that's her letter to roger federer. ruth bader ginsburg. now, i have a lot of question about these. >> these are all actually true. >> seth: oh, these are true. >> all the other ones are fake this one is real. >> seth: so you actually got verification that rbg has all of these things. including dave and buster tickets. >> yeah. [ laughter ] she's a power player. >> seth: she's a power player at dave and busters. what are these? >> oh, those are cheese balls. do you remember those in the tub? >> seth: yeah. >> i think she's got like a tub.
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she's got to have snacks with her. >> seth: sure. but don't you think that's a bad snack to have? oh that's why she wears the gloves. to keep the cheese puffs off her fingers. i was going to bust that was the whole in the logic. but, you got the gloves. [ laughter ] although, i would like to point out, white gloves are going to show cheese puffs too. >> i just improvise that. >> seth: what is this? >> this is her dickie. >> seth: right. that's actually her dickie and then -- >> warby parker. and then you point out here its very small print. you see what's she's listening to is jock jams. >> yes, on a very out dated shuffle. >> seth: so new beats head phones. old shuffle. jock jams. >> she's like, "it's stocked already with the songs i like." >> seth: yeah. >> you know why change. >> seth: i'll update my head phones. so michelle obama. very exciting and i think you did a lot of stuff here. i guess i'll do it this way
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>> this is right. it's only a half page. >> seth: oh, it's a half page. that's what i fell for. so, she obviously has some snacks as well. i'm with you on kind and lara bar. i don't know if michelle obama is going to have a kit kat. >> wow. you think, really? >> seth: i'm thinking healthy you know i'm with you on the first two. >> you're right. >> seth: is it too late? is this officially in stores now or can you go back? >> i'll tell the publisher. >> seth: i really enjoyed this podcasts. 'cause barack obama was on "wtf with marc maron." but, then she's also listening to your podcast. >> it's weird. >> seth: it's weird >> it's crazy. >> when i drew it i was like -- >> seth: well that, it is my favorite detail of the book. because you have drawn this. this is your imagination and yet you also wrote, "what?" >> it was so funny as i was drawing it.
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beyonce's bag is full of "broad city" stuff. so, i was like, "this is crazy!" >> seth: was there anybody that you wanted to do that you ended up not doing or you bailed at? >> yeah. so, when i first compiled a big list of people. and some of them aren't all like good people. and i was like i think i should do hitler. this is our opportunity to get him. i'm going to get him good, in my illustrated book! [ laughter ] >> seth: right. he would be one of the ones that, he'd be reading he couldn't see it coming. [ german accent ] "ruth bader ginsburg. this is so much fun. michelle obama, this is great. oh, so funny the podcast. and she wrote, 'what.'" and then boom you get him. >> yeah. i'm gonna fill his bag with
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don't know if you should put hitler in your book." >> seth: yeah. >> i think people will only see hitler. >> seth: once hitler is there. >> maybe. and i caved. >> seth: you caved? >> i caved. and i was like i agree. >> seth: well, i think your follow up book should just be hitler's bag. >> and i'll really get him. >> seth: really go after him. then like maybe another one of what is in his pocket. he thinks you are done with the baan >> it will be like a trilogy. just what hitler carried. >> seth: so great to see you as always. congratulations on the book. >> thank you for having me. >> seth: abbi jacobson everybody. "carry this book" is in stores now. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ applause ] ??
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?? ?? ?? mapping the oceans. where we explore. protecting biodiversity. everywhere we work.
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?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back everybody. now, quick question. are you guys familiar with dog shaming websites? [ laughter ] okay, what they are is people take a picture of the dog looking guilty next to a sign that says what the dog did. here's an example. i ate my daddy's 300 dollar here's another one i enjoy digging the flower beds up and eating mulch because i'm bored. [ laughter ] adorable. adorable. but, these are all minor offenses. and anyway after searching around the internet we found some websites featuring dogs that have done much, much worse things. we would like to show them to you now in a segment we call "extreme dog shaming." ?? [ cheers and applause ]
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first dog. [ audience aws ] she looks adorable. i can't imagine she would do anything too bad. i leave voice mails asking people if they got my text. [ laughter and applause ] ugh, bad dog. who is next? oh, what a cute little puppers. this guy, what did he do? i proposed to my girlfriend in front of her family so she couldn't say no. [ laughter and applause ] bad dog. who do we have next? oh, well hello, sir. and what did you do? i still say, "chilaxing." you move on. you got to move on. who is next? aw, this guy couldn't have done anything too bad. i celebrate my birthday for the whole month. bad dog. you're now infringing on other people's birthday. [ laughter ] bad dog. oh, what did you do guy? while your at work i defiled the rumba.
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who is next? i love a french bulldog. what did he do? i was a regular bulldog but then i did one semester in paris, so now i'm french. [ laughter and applause ] [ speaking french ] bad dog. [ speaking french ] that's probably close, right? [ speaking french ] yeah. [ laughter ] who is next? so, freakin cute. i only spent half of the secret santa limit. [ laughter ] that's the worst. who is next? adorable. adorable. let's see, i stole this cone from a dog that needed it. [ laughter and applause ] who is next? oh, this guy is the best. i ignored 40 years of diplomatic norms and called taiwan, thus enflaming tensions with china. [ laughter and applause ] why?
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this one is adorable. there we go. i drove right past a multiple homicide because i thought they were doing the mannequin challenge. [ laughter and applause ] it looks like that dog is doing the mannequin challenge. [ laughter ] who is next? oh, a saint bernard puppy. i love a saint bernard. when i grow up i want to be just like my dad. that's actually really nice. oh, wait. sorry there' [ laughter ] yikes. who is next? wait a minute this is my dog frisbee. frisbee, what did you do? seth's "closer looks" convinced me to vote for trump. you and a lot of people buddy. anyway that was "extreme dog shaming." we'll be right back with music from miranda lambert. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: earlier today, my next guest received two grammy nominations for best country solo performance and best country song. here with the debut tv performance of her new single "we should be friends," please welcome miranda lambert. [ cheers and applause ] ?? ?? ?? ? if your minds as cluttered as your kitchen sink if your hearts as empty as your diesel tank ? ? if all your white t-shirts have stains if you've got some guts and got some ink ? ? well then we should be friends if you borrow dresses like you borrow time ? ? if you dream all day
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love but your willin' ? ? to fight ? ? over men and mamas and miller lites well then we should be friends ? ? i don't know you well but i know that look ? ? and i can judge the cover 'cause i read the book on losing sleep ? ? and gaining weight on pain and shame and crazy trains if you paint your ? ? nails while you cut your loss like you're the boss ? ? if everything your daddy says is something you can put stock in well then ? ? we should be friends that's right ? ?? ??
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? i don't know you well but i know that look and i can judge the cover ? ? cause i wrote the book on losing sleep and gaining weight on pain and shame ? ? and crazy trains one, two, three if use alcohol as a sedative ? ? and bless your heart as a negative ? ? if you ride your white horse like the wind if what you see is what you get ? we should be friends that's right ? ?? ?? ? well then we should be friends ?
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?? ? well then we should be friends i said well then we should be friends ? ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: miranda lambert everyone, the album "the weight of these wings" is out now. we'll be right back.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to shaquille o'neal, abbi jacobson, miranda lambert, abe cunningham, and of course the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we will see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ?? ?? ?? >> carson: hey gang it's your old pal carson daly here. welcome to "last call." we got a awesome show tonight from one of my favorite show "the walking dead."

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