tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 29, 2015 11:35pm-12:37am EST
tuned for "the late show gd >> welcome stephen colbert! ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hi, everyone! thanks very much! hey! welcome to "the late show"! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! thanks, everybody!
thank you! thank you, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. you can't fool me, you're just chanting to stay warm. ( laughter ) as you can see ladies and gentlemen, the holiday season has begun. over the weekend, we put up all of our christmas lights around the place. we've decorated just for you to make you feel welcome and christmasy when you got here. ( cheers and applause ) it's so much fun to put the depressing to take them down in january. so most years i just leave them up until february and call them black history month lights. ( laughter ) if you don't have yours up this year, you're a racist. ( laughter ) i'm just sayin'! ( cheers and applause ) i'm just sayin'! >>you've got to do it.
>> stephen: i'm doing my part. and of course, with the holidays comes the tradition of year-end lists. that dates back all the way to the first christmas, when melchior was voted "year's sexiest magi." balthazar was so pissed. why did he lose all that weight? he had abs you could grate frankincense on. well, in that year-end tradition, today, do we have it right here? "sports illustrated" named its 2015 sportsperson of the year, and it's serena williams. right there. ( cheers and applause ) she's looking like she's beyonce auditioning for "game of thrones," i think. ( laughter ) this year, incredible year, she almost got the grand slam winning g ree of the four majors, over $10 million in prize money, and won 53 of her 56 matches.
( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry -- no, i was just saying, if you're another tennis player, consider giving up. but, and this kind of shocked me. it's kind of bad. some angry internet people out there think that triple crown winner american pharaoh should have gotten this title instead, tweeting "disappointed that #americanpharoah the only nominee to actually win a #grandslam didn't get it." "american pharaoh was robbed... so sad" and "american pharoah is the winner-hands down." really? winner "hands" down? ( laughter ) he has hooves. and they're always down. when the hooves go up, that's a bad sign with a horse. but american pharoah has been very gracious. when asked whether h hshould have won, he replied: "nay." ( laughter ) you could use that joke with your three-year-old
( laughter ) besides, this award is for sports-"person" of the year. american pharoah isn't even eligible. unless, and this possible, he's actually two people in a horse costume. which would be quite an athletic achievement. especially for the guy in the back. a tough gig, but well worth it when they put you out to stud. ( laughter ) anyway... ( laughter ) i'm not going to do it. i'm not going to do it. anyway, we've got a great show tonight. first, i'm sitting down with the star of the new movie "joy," jennifer lawrence. ( cheers and applause ) what did i say? what did i say? boom! she says she's over being adorable, but i just met her backstage, and i think she's had a relapse. ( laughter ) then, i'm talking to presidential historian doris
she is-- she's the winner of the pulitzer prize, but you probably know her best from abraham lincoln's "girl squad"." and we'll have a performance by the reunited sleater-kinney ( applause ) from their album, "no cities to love." so if they say "we love you new york!" - don't fall for it. oh...you hear that? that's jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) these folks are about to crank it up and rip off the knob, then replace the knob, because that knob is the property of cbs. but before they do, one more thing. a man in washington, d.c. is offering $100 classes on how to smoke pot. lesson number one: if you're
>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much, everybody! thank you, jon! thank you, band! you know, folks, let's just get right to the heat of the meat here, because it's not every night i get to talk about the world changing. because we are witnesses to history. on friday, world leaders shocked doubters by agreeing on a plan to combat global warming. someone talk about it. >> a historic climate agreement was reached by almost 200 countries yesterday in paris. the accord hopes to limit average increase of global warming to 3.6 degrees fahrenheit, which scientists say is a breaking point for catastrophic events, such as mass extinctions and mega floods. >> world leaders are hailing this deal in paris as a milestone to keep planet earth hospitable for human life.
"hospitable for human life." ( cheers and applause ) look how excited they are! i've got to say, that's setting the bar about as low as possibly can go. "as your president, i promise you: something will live." ( laughter ) but whatever it is they've agreed to, i is about time. it was nearly 70 degrees this weekend in new york, and i found out about the agreement when i was out christmas shopping in flip flops and a halter top. ( laughter ) here's what they agreed to: over the next century, evidently the deal limits the rise in global temperature to 3.6 degrees fahrenheit. or, as it says in the official agreement, two degrees celsius. so it's already lowering the numbers.s. and the deal gets even more
might happen. at some point between 2050 and 2100, the countries agreed to limit greenhouse gas emissions to the levels that trees, soil, and oceans can absorb, naturally. which is a fine goal, though it will put a lot of pressure on the last remaining tree. you can n it, piney! breathe! breathe, boy! breathe! ( laughter ) bottom line, by 2050, we're going to have to be off oil entirely. and i know hanukkah celebrates the oil lasting eight days. but come 2050, the menorah is going to look a lot different. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and the deal almost didn't happen, because in the section that committed wealthy countries
problem with one word. >> the american delegation said we don't want it to say "shall". we want it to say "should". >> stephen: yes, not "shall" reduce, "should" reduce. still very forceful. you know, like: thou "should" not covet they neighbor's wife. really more of a suggestion. thanks for the tip anyway, big guy. but "should" still has plenty of moral authority. remember the old civil rights song: "we "should" overcome!... you know, someday." the obama folks insisied on the change, so they didn't have to submit the agreement to the republican-controlled congress, who are already speaking out in opposition to the climate deal. they're very consistent, they oppose obamacare and obama-air. they just have to find a way-- ( cheers and applause ) they just have to find a way to repeal and replace the environment. now i'm trying to do my part. i don't even drive a car
my driver does it. ( laughter ) and-- that's 50%. that cuts emissions by 50% right there. ( laughter ) it's not going to be easy to completely give up fossil fuels. totoght, i'm saying goodbye to oil. come on out here, buddy. ( cheers and applause ) come here. right over here. ( applause ) ( booing ) folks, folks...no, no, he's a friend! this is the "late show"'s pet barrel of oil, crude-y giuliani. ( applause ) say hi, crude-y. we've had a lot of fun times together. but the paris agreement has been signed, and it's time for you to go. no, go on.
turn around every now andndhen i get a little bit lonely and you never come around turn around every now and then i get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears >> stephen: no, get out of here before i change my mind! goodbye, crude-y! goodbye! >> stephen: i hate to see him go, but i love to watch him leave. we'll be right back.
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she now stars in "joy." >> you are in a room, and there is a gun on the table. and the only other person in the room is an adversary in commerce. only one of you can prevail. yet... you have protected your business and maurice's money. do you pick up the gun, joy? >> that's a very strange question. >> there is nothing strange about this question at all. this is money. do you pick up the gun? >> i pick up the gun. ( applause ) >> stephen: wow. please welcome jennifer lawrence!
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome! >> hi, thank you! >> stephen: i will get back to the movie in just a second. but i want to ask you a question-- do you pick up the gun? does jennifer lawrence pick up the gun? >> i'd love to. >> stephen: have you ever been cut throat to anybody? >> but i would go through a lot of regulations before doing it. and if i was on a no-fly list, i would not. >> stephen: that's exactly right. you are known as one of the most relatable people out there. >> he says on television. >> stephen: no, it's absolutely true. i've talked to a lot of people over the years who are professionally famous and supposedly relatable. but you actually seem like a human being. >> oh, thank you! >> stephen: do you enjoy being a human being? because human beings have a lot of frailty. >> i do, yeah. >> stephen: they're not perfect. >> no. where are you going with this? ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, i'm saying
seeming like you're not perfect. >> i don't have a choice. >> stephen: well you could. people have publicists and everything. >> oh, they're trying. >> stephen: they are? are you a nightmare for your publicist? >> no. i hope not. i don't think so. no! she's a nightmare. ( laughter ) i'm kidding. i have been with her since i was 16. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. we're like sisters. >> stephen: you are here with your folks tonight. >> i know. >> stephen: it's so nice. >> their flight got delayed. sorry. i would have brought them, anyway. i'm just saying they wouldn't be here. not out of a lack of invitation. >> stephen: you have been here for 45 seconds and i feel like i've done nothing but attack you. >> my whole life is destroyed. i have been dropped by my publicist, my parents will be gone by the time i get back there. they're going to be like, "he didn't want us hererin the first place." they're from kentucky. >> stephen: but you're from kentucky, too. >> i am.
"im cutting them loose." >> well i was doing such a thick southern accent. i had a dream the other night i had a southern accent, i couldn't get out of it and i was on set. and i'm, like, i can't get out of my accent, i don't know why! like my accent came back. because i lost it when i was a teenager. >> stephen: when does it come back? >> i am told by boyfriends when i'm yelling, and then probably maybe when i'm drinking. but i don't think i have one anymore. >> stephen: no, you don't sound like you have one. >> thank you. >> stephen: you sound like you're from district 12. ( laughter ) >> what's that? >> stephen: i haven't the slightest idea. i'm a 50-year-old man. why would i know? that'd be kind of creepy. ( applause ) the new movie you're doing with david o. russell, this is your third movie, right? >> yes. >> stephen: what's he like to wo with as a director? is he a touchy-feely, let's get
director or a shouty director? >> no, he shouts but never in anger. "i want it bigger!" he's just big and animated but he never shouts from anger. >> stephen: do you like that than other directors who come in and say, let me tell you what i think? >> no, i work so much better with him because i grew up doing sports. so it's much better when it's honest and like, "that one was bad! be better on this one!" like that makes more sense to me than like, "i feel like the character--" i'm just, do you want me to talk louder, slower? >> stephen: you have to hunker down and give it 110% and leave it all on the field. go down and out and i will hit you! >> yeah, exactly. "do this one better or we don't break for lunch," i'm like "okay." >> stephen: your kentucky accent just came back. when you talk about sports it comes back. ( laughter ) you're playing a guy, joy-- >> a guy? >> stephen: a guy-- you've got that range.
( laughter ) >> stephen: joy mangano, right? >> yes. >> stephen: who invented the miracle mop. >> yes he did. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: was it based on a true person? >> yes, based on joy mangano. the craziest parts of our film, it's loosely based on her life because we didn't want to make a straight biographical tale, we didn't want to do that and i didn't want to do that, like i'd feel like i'm doing an imitation of somebody, but all of the craziest parts of our movie you wouldn't believe are all based on her and her life. >> stephen: have you-- this invention she comes up with, she makes millions of dollars off of it, super-rich. >> super-rich, yeah. >> stephen: do you have any inventions, have you ever thought of anything to invent? >> does taping your apple tv remote to a wooden spoon suffice, does that count?
>> then yes. >> stephen: wow. we only have 60 left. call now, please. ( laughter ) robert de niro is in this. what's he like, because he will be my guest wednesday. are there any questions i should ask him, or anything you wanted to ask him but didn't have the juevos to ask him when you were on set with him? >> i think i've asked him everything. ask him-- you might not be able to hear him-- he's the softest speaker i've ever met in my i spend the whole time going, what?! what?! he makes me look like the old one. >> stephen: that's an actor's trick. you talk to them softly and they go, "he must be full of feeling." >> i know. but i think it's realism. ask him if there actually really is a difference in his cucumber martini between shaken and cold. that is what he says -- really, really, extremely, very cold.
it's, like, can you really feel the difference between being shaken in ice and being shaken in ice for a little bit longer? this is why i don't interview people, it's a terrible question. i don't know. >> stephen: i will ask him that question. hand to god i will ask him that question. >> can we quit talking about me? >> stephen: absolutely. >> i can't think of any questions! ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, you and amy schumer are buddies. >> yeah. >> stephen: and we had her on the show and she said that you are like-- she loves being with you because you are the ideal hottest version of her that she can think of. >> yeah, she keeps writing this in her script, and her sister and i are like, you're not ugly enough and i'm not hot enough to pull these jokes off. and she's, like, "i know i'm gorgeous, but i do it in standup, and it works." i'm, like, i don't think it makes since. she's got a sweet little ass, a great (bleep). >> stephen: absolutely. people think you're a nice
you seem like a nice person. >> thank you. >> stephen: but, again, you're willing to talk about things that are unglamorous, which is nice. you're as willing to talk about things that aren't glamorous. like i understand you got very sick making this film. >> i did. i got a stomach virus. i was puking. and the poor guy-- i had to make out with somebody. (audience reacts) and everything would be spinning, and i would start puking and i would like do mouthwash and be, like, are you ready? licking my chops -- >> stephen: that's how you win a golden globe, my friend. ( laughter ) >> let's do it. i puked yesterday, yeah, i'm a big-time puker. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, i think that i don't stop working because i'm like a show pony. i don't have a choice and so i just keep going until eventually my body is like if we don't make her barf or pass out, she won't stop. i get lindsey lohan-grade
or alcohol. i'm always in bed early. >> stephen: anything we can look forward to in the next few minutes? >> i never know. >> stephen: i tell you what, we have to take a little commercial break. let's find out. >> okay. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more jennifer lawrence. ( cheers and applause ) (band playing) i think i'm in heaven. we asked real people what they thought about chevy and their year end deals. i'm buying this. the back is hot. ohhh my god. that seals the deal. you can have like a thousand gadgets. it really can't get any better than that. wrap up the deals and wrap up the year in a new chevy. current qualified competitive lessees can get this chevy equinox lt for around $243 a month. and get five hundred lease cash on select equinox vehicles in stock. now you're gonna make me go buy a chevy.
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(band playing) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back! we're here with jennifer lawrence. jennifer, thanks again for being here. you know, everybody says, like, you're an incredibly relatable person, and it's true, because i'm a 51-year-old man but you make me feel like a 25-year-old woman. ( laughter ) it's because you always seem so relaxed and happy.
or frighten you about the world? >> yeah. i was pretty upset -- i found out recently -- i don't know if they did it a long time ago but i only recently heard about it - - they released a capsule in space at some point in time, i don't know when it was, with information that if extraterrestrials find it -- >> stephen: like the album and directions on how to get to earth. >> exactly. i'm, like, that's my address, too! and you just sent it out and you don't know who's going to find it. and based on history, when we find each other, we kill each other. i don't feel like aliens are going to be, like, great, let's get along! like they might not, they might want to destroy us! have you see the tom cruise movie? >> stephen: you're worried about the whole human race? >> yeah. so sometimes i look up at the stars and i'm like oh, wow, oh, god, you know?
>> you're very deep, too. >> stephen: you know how i can tell you're deep? because i'm as deep as you think i am. >> wow... that's really deep. ( laughter ) >> stephen: whenever i have a guest on who is deep like i am, i always like to take a moment to lie on a hillside and ask big quesesons of even bigger stars. man, look at that night sky... it's like a deep blue water with candles on the bottom. >> yeah... underwater candles. >> stephen: feels like if we just let go of this hill, we could just fall up into it and swim around. >> yeah... the milky way would be our pool noodle. >> stephen: wow...
>> wow. >> stephen: hey, jennifer? >> yeah, stephen? >> stephen: do you think we can ever truly be happy? >> only when you're a baby and you first discover your feet. ( laughter ) hey, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, jennifer? >> if you could go back in time and give yourself a piece of advice, what would it be? >> stephen: don't forget to build the time machine. ( laughter ) hey, what's your biggest regret? >> not helping that raccoon get his head out of the mayonnaise jar. what's yours? >> stephen: my biggest regret is eating that mayonnaise-covered raccoon. ( laughter )
are the same colors you see? >> stephen: well, i don't know... what does blue look like to you? sort of -- (making indistinguishable noises) ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, blue. ( laughter ) i love winter. what's your favorite season? >> it's a tie between lobster fest and toyotathon. ( laughter ) >> stephen: would you rather be able to fly or be invisible? >> invisible. then i could just say, i'm flying, and no one would be able to tell. ( laughter ) what do you think the best part of christmas is? >> stephen: i think it's the warm feelings people have about
is family. >> mmm... >> stephen: what do you think happens after you die? >> i think they give your hospital bed to someone else. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: how do you want to be buried? >> two words -- coffin, bobsled. ( laughter ) how will we know when the end is near? >> stephen: when the stage manager tells us to go to commercial. and there he is right now. "joy" is in theaters on christmas day everybody. jennifer lawrence. thank you, jennifer. oh, look! a shooting star! oh! so beautiful!
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( band playing ) >> stephen: thank you, doris. >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you for joining us. lovely to see you. gentlemen, you may go. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, all right. >> whoah! you know, when i-- >> stephen: congratulations on your recent emancipation! thanks for being here. >> you know when i was first on comedy central, i said that lincoln was sexy. and i was teased about it for an entire decade. and now-- ba dum! >> stephen: obviously i understand the man-meat we just saw was sexy. in what ways was lincoln sexy? >> well, i think sexiness comes from an internal spirit and fire
contagion. he actually was buff. you've haven't seen him withtho clothes on, right? seriously, he wielded an axe. so his top was very -- >> stephen: he was ripped? wow! well, you have certainly made your mark on presidential history. "a team of rivals" about lincoln, "a bully pulpit" about taft and roosevelt. lyndon johnson, "an american dream," and "no ordinary time," franklin and eleanor roosevelt, the home front in world war ii. okay, so we've come to the portion of the show where i'm legally required to ask you about donald trump. ( laughter ) ( applause ) are there precedents in american presidential history where someone like donald trump is running for president? because he's very popular. >> it has to do with periods of
when a presidential candidate can promise things that they may not be able to deliver butut people want to believe it, like saying "we'll build a wall on the southern border and mexico will pay for it!" >> stephen: fantastic and tremendous? >> tremendous, but the problem with demagogues, which i think is the definition, to make promises which you can't necessarily keep, like he says, "i'll never disappoint you." if a lover made that promise to somebody or a friend, it would be impossible to keep, you'd think. >> stephen: has anyone like trump been elected, is there any precedent for somebody like that who actually-- i mean, demagogues have run before but has one of them actually got >> good question but, no, i don't think so. i think what happens is after a while, the disparity between facts and what the person says usually gets to them. >> stephen: right. >> you know, like he said things that we know aren't true, like he's seen thousands of muslims. the problem is, you know, all politicians i think exaggerate things, that's their nature -- like when i knew lyndon johnson and i was swimming with him in the pool with him at the ranch - -
knew. you were swimming with lyndon johnson in the pool at his ranch? >> and the great thing about the pool was it had rafts that had floating telephones and floating note pads and floating memo pads. because he really didn't want to swim, he just wanted to talk. so that day he had given a speech that talked about his great, great grandfather dying at the alamo and it wasn't true. and i said to him, "how could you do that?" and he said, "oh these journalists are such sticklers for detail." and then he said, "they would ask you about the wallpaper on the room where you first made love. and they wouldn't ask you about the thing itself." so then he goes on about how his great, great grandfather died at the battle of san jacinto, and he seemed right, they're being sticklers for detail. until i found out the guy didn't die there either, he'd been a real estate trader and died at home in bed. he wanted to have somebody l le that. but then after a while if your credibility is not believed and you lose trustworthiness as he did on vietnam sadly, then that's when the credibility gap begins. so i don't know what will happen to trump if he gets further along with all the things we
comes back and says "it is true," but nobody's holding him to it. >> stephen: well, historically, at this-- we're about 50 days away from iowa and another 10 to 12 days away from new hampshire. the leader at this point generally is the one who wins in new hampshire and who wins new hampshire is the one who usually is nominated. so history, historian, if history is our guide, donald trump has a very good shot at being the republican nominee. >> unless the establishment or whatever's left of it somehow figures out somebody else to go against the figures that they i don't see who that could be right now. >> stephen: has there always been a party establishment to control, to sort of turn off the tap of interest or support for a candidate before this? >> well, the reason they could in the old days was the party bosses had control of the money and they'd give the money to whomever they wanted in the old conventions, but now he's self- financed, so it's much harder
really-- they love it so much because it's entertaining and i agree, too. so he's just not getting bamboozled the way that people used to. they made one gaffe and that was the end of their presidential run. now he's made 500 and he says it doesn't matter, you can just say it's okay. >> stephen: it's the bedrock of his presidential run. each o o of them just gets him more attention, and here we are, talking about donald trump. you're part of the problem. ( laughter ) >> i am part of the problem. you know, i loved when he said, i'll never disappoint you and then he said beyond that he said i'll always tell you when i've made a mistake in the unlikely chance that i ever make a mistake. what do you do with that kind of guy? acknowledging errors-- >> stephen: you invite him on ur show! ( cheers and applause ) people don't write each other letters anymore. is that making it harder -- the tweet sort of way of talking to each other or the texting way of talking to each other, is that making it harder for future historians?
i mean, i have to go back 100 years or more in time. because they not only wrote letters, ten-page letters at night, they'd write to their wife saying how they felt about lincoln or teddy roosevelt and then they've also got romantic stuff in the middle, it's all mixed together. they kept diaries in the old days. we'll have much more stuff about us, we will know how we walked and talked and looked but we won't have the intimate detail. my guys are all dead that i've written about. and i need to bring them alive through this kind of material. i would like to believe that through the letters and diaries i've done so. my only fear is that someday there will be a panel in the afterlife and all my presidents are going to be there and tell me everything i got wrong about them and then the first person to scream out will be lyndon johnson, "how come that damn book on the kennedys was twice as long as the book you wrote about me?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: i hope that never happens because i want to have you on many more times, but if it does you just ask him why he lied about the alamo, old man. >> you know what, though, i'll
was so sad when i knew him in those last years of his life because he knew his legacy had been cut in two by the war in vietnam, so depressed i think he allowed himself to die. and now 50 years later, it shows how legacies change over time, 50 years later, medicare, aid to education, civil rights, voting rights, he would be happy if we were alive now and i hope he's up there somehow seeing that his domestic achievements and his ability to deal with congress which nobody can do now is finally giving him a pantheon. >> stephen: doris, thanks so much for being here. >> it's always fun to be with you. thank you. >> stephen: doris kearns goodwin ladies and gentlemen. we'll be right back. ok, we're here. here's dad. mom. the twins. aunt alice... you didn't tell me aunt alice was coming. of course. don't forget grandpa. can the test drive be over now? maybe just head back to the dealership? don't you want to meet my family? yep, totally. it's practically yours, but we still need your signature.
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it's all on sale foror the holidays. shop our winter event at havertys and enjoy thirty-six month, no interest financing havertys. discover something you. >> stephen: here singing, "bury our friends," ladies and gentlemen, sleater-kinney! ( cheers and applause ) >> today i am stitched i am sewn patch me up, i got warmth in
like some doll you thought you could throw away i found my legs >> ready to climb out from under concrete only i get to be sickened by me my body is smudged i can't make out the details why start over, come into being >> exhume our idols bury our friends we're wild and weary but we won't give in we're sick with worry these nervous days we live on dread in our own guilded age >> this dark world is precious to me my scars make me breathe in so deep
this time around >> ready to fight fragments of stillness only i get to be punched by me your voice is a crumb it leads me from the wildness why start over, forget everything >> exhume our idols bury our friends we're wild and weary but we won't give in we're sick with worry these nervous days we live on dread in our own guilded age >> make me a headline i wanna be that bold
so i can see the gold make me a headline i wanna feel that bold make me a spotlight so i can see the gold >> exhume our idols bury our friends we're wild and weary but we won't give in we're sick with worry these nervous days we live on dread in our own guilded age >> we speak in circles weweance in code untamed and hungry on fire and in cold exhume our idols bury our friends we're wild and weary but we