tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 13, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST
♪ ♪ >> that's it! >> get a grip! get a grip. you better tell us something or you're going to have to deal with my partner here, alexa, and then it's going to be lights out. >> lights out. >> alexis, lights on! oh, my god, he's been murder! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes cuba gooding jr. rupert friend. and comedian gary gulman. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in y nework city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! wooo! how's it going?
thanks, everybody! welcome to "the late show." hey, chris, what's going on. i am your host stephen colbert. the last 24 hours have seen more high-level intelligence meetings on capitol hill, and there is a growing consensus that russian hackers worked to influence the election in favor of donald trump, and that is disturbing to everyone, except to some folks who are weirdly okay with it. the "new york times" talked to some of the president-elect's supporters about the russian hack and they said: sure, the house is on fire, but if that's what it took to get the kids to play outside, i say let it burn! toss a little gas on it! ( cheers and applause ) i wasn't that worried about russia until yesterday, when c-span o
replaced by a feed of russia's official english-language state tv network, "russia today." take a look. this really happened. >> a bill that would basically take the s.e.c., and literally obliterate. ♪ ♪ that's right. c-span was interrupted by "russia today." it shocked c-span's audience-- both of them. ( laughter ) but for ten whole minutes yesterday, russian propaganda was being broadcast on tv directly from washington. and that's not supposed to start until january 20. ( cheers and applause ) russian propaganda! russian propaganda! better learn some russian.
but a lot of people are worried it's a hack. luckily, i've been assured that the cbs feed is secure and there's no way for russia to ever--- ♪ ♪ ♪ la-la-la ( cheers and applause ) of course, the russians aren't the only intelligence agency to undermine our election. they had competition from f.b.i. director and lifeguard who sees you're drowning but is on his break, james comey. comey broke long-standing f.b.i. policy by announcing a new investigation into hillary clinton's emails 11 days before the election. it turned out the investigation produced nothing damaging, other than president trump. ( laughter ) well, the justice department has announced it will open an investigation into comey's deon
this is a good first step towards making things right. of course second step is building a time machine. and tonight, as i said-- ( applause ) and tonight, as i said, we're exactly one week from donald trump's inauguration, and it's no secret, trump has had trouble booking big performers. though if the russian blackmail rumors are true, he could get r. kelly. he might come. i don't know why. i don't know why. i have no idea why. but yesterday, he landed his biggest act yet, none other than the one and only bruce springsteen cover band the bstreetband! ( laughter ) ( applause ) the bstreet! they'r
it's a perfect fit. who better to sing for our reality show president than a man pretending to be the boss? ( applause ). >> jon: oh! oh! >> stephen: the bstreetband will be singing all the springsteen classics for trump: "thunder grope," "born to run dad's company," "10th avenue penthouse," and "i am not convinced you were born in the u.s.a." ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is great. this is great. trump may not be able to get the a-lifters, but i for one am looking forward to performanceby banders like:
( cheers and applause ) a tripping hazard, a tripping hazard. oh, did you hear this? there is a new product from taco bell that uses fried chicken instead of a taco shell. yeah, it's called the "naked chicken chalupa." and i believe naked is the best way to eat a chicken chulupa because then you can just hose off afterwards. ( laughter ) now, i don't know why taco bell would bother making a taco shell out of fried chicken when it would be so much quicker to just punch their customers in the heart. ( laughter ) hold still! according to the president of the company, "fried chicken is growing at a tremendous clip. it's a real void on our menu, and it's something our customers ask us for." look, taco bell, you've got to stand up for yourselves.
( laughter ) you cant just give your customers anything they ask for. they're drunk. ( laughter ) ( applause ) they shouldn't be calling the shots. what would you do if a customer said, "uh, you guys should totally sell deep fried soup. throw a couple of double-a batteries on that bad boy." you know what? fine. fine. this is the world we live in now. you want to make a franken-taco out of a completely different non-taco food? go for it. do whatever you want. but i know what i'll be doing: i'll be eating that fried chicken chalupa. that sounds delicious. speaking of things that don't go together, there is some shocking news from the animal kingdom. this week, apparently, a male snow monkey was observed attempting to have sex with female sika deer on japan's
yakushima island in an unusual example of interspecies mating behaviour. wow. well, you know what they say, "once you go snow monkey... you hope no one takes a picture of it." ( laughter ) now-- and this is true, this is true. i am not making this up. cbs censors will not allow me to roll this footage uncensored, but criminal minds can stack up hookers like cord wood. it's a shame, because scientists are fascinated, explaining, "the only previous reported case of sexual interactions between two distantly related species was that of an antarctic fur seal observed sexually harassing king penguins-- and in one instance, eating a bird after having sex with it." clearly, clearly, that penguin should have established a safe word beforehand. maybe "don't eat me." now, they don't know exactly why these two crazy kids got together, but they say it's probably something called "mate
limited access to females are more likely to display this behavior. in layman's terms: the bar was closing, and there is no monkey tinder. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. cuba gooding jr. is here. but when we return, i'll tell you the latest decrees from the big furry hat. stick around.
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man, that was-- you people at home you have to come see the show live because you just missed, i would call that horn-mageddon. the brass over there, absolutely. they were just irradiating the room with joy. i'm going to have to have my sperm count checked later. i think there was too much radiation coming from that side of the room. well, my sperm count aside, folks, as a late-night talk show host, i don't have to tell you, i wield enormous power. but even my awesome power pales in comparison to the great despots of history: genghis khan, muammar qaddafi, melania trump. you don't want to cross her! her husband is married to vladimir putin! ( applause ) no, no! no, no! watch out!
have two things in common: one, supernaturally smoldering eyes. and, two, a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) now that this hat is upon mine head, i am endowed with indisputable power! this is due to my hat's two main attributes: its bigness and its furriness. any proclamations i make while thus en-hatted, like such, are now and forever law. let us begin!
from this day forward, all tabletops will be made of coaster stuff so i can put my drink down anywhere i damn well please. ( laughter ) ( applause ) photograph frames must no longer come with stock photos. if you don't know what goes inside a frame, you shouldn't be allowed to buy one. ( applause ) movie trailers will cease trying to take me on an emotional journey. just tell me if chris pratt is in the movie. ( applause ) from this day forward, the t.s.a. body scanner must let me pick whatever pose we want.
why do this when i could do this ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, when i need to remove-- i declare i get to read this one again! henceforth, when i need to renovate part of my house, i shall be put into a medically induced coma until it's over. and as long as i'm under, gimme a butt lift. ( laughter ) starting now, anyone born and raised in america who refers to their apartment as a "flat" shall be kicked in the twig 'n' berries. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from this moment onward, people with t.s.a. precheck must precheck that smug look on their face. ( laughter ) ( applause )
starting now, any store advertising a "blow-out sale" must have actual explosions. ( laughter ) ( applause ) drugstore receipts will no longer be two feet long. i want cough drops, not a novel. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from now on, if domino's pizza doesn't deliver in 30 minutes or less, it's not just free. it's much blrt pizza. keys, keys-- keys shall be more comfortable in my pocket. i don't want to feel like i'm smuggling a fiddler crab. ( laughter ) ( applause ) from this day forward, we will have only one type of apple, and that will be pie. ( laughter ) ( cheers ) from now on, doctors shall give
patients, regardless of age. if you're going to stick your finger there, i get a treat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the hat has spoken! we'll be right back with cuba gooding jr. ♪ ♪ fastest growing auto brand in 2016. take on 2017 and get the safety you'd expect... the fuel efficiency you need and america's best truck warranty. get to nissan's take on 2017 event for 0% financing for up to 72 months on 11 models. or save up to $10,000 on select models. ♪
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♪ ♪ thank you. hey, i thought i had energy. jon batiste, the way you opened this show with horn-aggedon. that was amazing, amazing. >> stephen: before the show every night, they hook up jumper cables-- >> got it down low and everything. dirty, dirty, dirty. >> stephen: it's humpling to see how low they can drop it down. >> they've still got the young knees. >> stephen: i can drop it down. i can't get it back again. congratulations, "the people vs o.j. simpson" just won the golden globe. >> yes. thank you, thank you. >> stephen: there you are, there you are standing right there. that must be a very special feeling to be up there on stage. >> it is. it's overwhelming when you have a show that catches the
the of american culture. we have been going constantly, the emmys, and now the globes. it's almost like the perfect storm of events, because after our show ended, then you have o.j. made in america, which was the documentary. so that refueled things again. and we're overwhelmed with the response that we got. but the whole origin of that series "american crime story" is about shining light on injustices. and the next iteration of it is "american crime story katrina." and, you know, obviously george bush dropped the ball with what happened in new orleans, in that -- >> you're not going to go kanye on me, are jew no, no, no. >> stephen: but are you an ?ern are you in the next "american crime story?" >> i think so. we'll see. >> stephen: what did o.j. do? did o.j.
>> yeah, he did. >> stephen: this is a good feeling right here. this is awe good feeling. this is the party afterwards. this also looks like a good feeling. >> that's it! that's it! >> stephen: how does one go from this to this? ( laughter ) in two hours? what's going on there? >> they refer to that as academy award-winning dark meat. that's what that is. that's what that is. award-winning dark meat right there. >> stephen: i like that. >> here's the thing. again, it's a celebration. the show did well. all the creators did well. and right now we're in a new year, you know. we've got a lot of work to do this year, you know. there's a lot of things, there's a lot of issues. people are tense, and sometimes, you know-- like that old saying, "moderation is the key to life, including moderation itself." that picture says it right there. ( laughter ). >> stephen: what were you drinking? and did you bring enough for everyone is my question? or were you just
chicken that night? >> that's right. i brought enough for everyone and drank it. >> stephen: very nice. exactly. wear this on the red carpet. >> that's right. >> stephen: who are you wearing? "the colonel." >> that's right. mr. sanders. >> stephen: i heard you were relieved met to play o.j. anymore. why? it's the roleave lifetime. >> you move on. you move pop you live in that character's shoes for a while, and then you start your new character and you focus. >> stephen: did he specifically-- i imagine that's any character-- did he specifically get to you, playing that character get to you? >> he did, he did. >> stephen: was there a part of it, a scene, a moment that you had to embody from that story that really was like, "okay, i gotta stop doing this? >> i think it's because of my life and what i was going through in my own life. i live in the area of brentwood where he lived. i run into people, as we were even creating this character, people said, "i knew o.j.." i met a girl that dated ron goldman. and she was like, "he was an angel of a
lot of people's lives. not just o.j.'s family, and not just the gold man family but the whole community of los angeles. you take on that kind of responsibility and it affects your soul. >> stephen: did you ever meet him, pie the way? >> i did, way back in 1992, him wearing his leather pants in the club, you know,. i heard something he said, like cube's head's not big enough to play me. ( laughter ) and i wondered which head was he talking about? what! >> stephen: people, i imagine, like, everybody, you know, you have an iconic role-- >> i was going to show him the tip. no, i'm kidding! was that too much! >> stephen: nope. >> was that too much? >> stephen: not for me. not for me. i was talking about snow monkeys. >> i saw that. i saw that . >> stephen: it's a family show. now-- >> i got relatives. >> stephen: what's going on back ther
my mic fell out. >> stephen: we're coming up on the 20th anniversary of "jerry maguire" your oscar-winning, iconic performance. >> yeah. >> stephen: do people still shout, "show me the money?" to you? >> it's on such another level. i was at a bar the other day and this guy said, "hey, o.j.! show me the money!" somebody kill him! that's all i thought. >> stephen: do people yell, "hey, juice!" >> or anything like that. no. of course, they yell all of it. it's crazy. but that's what you want. you want your characters to connect. i've been blessed enough-- my father said to me, i'll never forget. my fawct was a singer, the main ingredient, the fool. when we were kids he was always signing autographs. when i did the film requested boyz in the hood and i was trey. pe
sign?" he was like, "hey, man, don't ever be like that. you may only ever be known as trey." boy, were you wrong. >> stephen: you felt like before this part you were in actor jail. what does actor jail mean? and highway does one break out of actor jail? >> actor jail specifically is when they see you as one character and they don't see you as anyone else. >> stephen: "show me the money? >> i was the guy who created this line and actually what happened was i met with the director of "wet dreams may come," and he said there's not really very many parts in here but i hear you have an interesting take on this character that is the son of robin wil williams." and i said, yeah, you can be in heaven, you can be anything. and he chose to be robin williams' best friend, this plaque man. and he said, "i think that's brilliant." and that's how i finally got that part after nine months
the job in "jerry maguire?" >> "jerry maguire" was very specific. robin williams was asked to play the jerry maguire role in the read-through. >> stephen: robin wi williams ws being considered? >> i don't know if he was considered but he said, "i will do the read-through for you." a lot of times they want to see the actor in the role, the celebrities so they can see it's a real thing, a real movie. and i went in and did this read-through with robin williams and we were as nutty-- i mean, you think jiry-- i mean tom crews and i were crazy in that scene. rob and i know i, i jumped on the table at one point, he was smacking my ass! >> stephen: there's no film of this? >> there's no film, thank god. but it would be. it broke my heart when he passed. robin williams was the man. >>
foot annual here of your-- >> you have a bucket of chicken, you're going to cut to that. >> stephen: we don't have any footage of your next role, but we have footage of a role you played in 1989 on a little show we like to call "macgyver." >> oh! >> stephen: you can-- this is an early-- very early on in your career. jim, let's show them the young cuba gooding. >> my name is macgyver. i'm told kids like me once they get to know me. >> yeah, well i'm no kid and i don't like you, and i sure as hell don't want to get to know you? >> okay, i guess we're off on the wrong foot. i hate when that happens. why don't we start over? hi, my name's macgyver. and i'm going to be on you like green on grass till booker gets out of that council meeting. put on your seat belt. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: you guys make a bomb out of bailing wire and toothpaste piet end of it, right? >> that was when only roles available were the angry black guy. i was thug number three on that series. >> stephen: you were? >> yeah. and then what's so funny is they liked that episode so much, they brought me back as billy colton, bounty hunter. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> so if you see the series, it's two completely different characters, none connected at all. >> stephen: thug three doesn't get his (bleep) together and bake bounty hunter. >> no, hey, they all look alike. you may as well put him in the other role. >> stephen: on that happy note, thank you so much. cuba gooding jr., everybody. we'll be right back with rupert friend. ♪ everybody plays a fool no exception to the rule ♪ to get your opinions. but d (bark) you wanna check it out? (bark)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight is an emmy award-nominated actor who is returning for "homeland's" sixth season this sunday. please welcome, rupert friend! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome. >> thank you. >> stephen: nice to meet you. before you have even spoken yet so the people out there who can't tell who don't know, which i have learned, i may be naive. you did not know you were english. you play an american in "homeland," and i totally bought it. you, andrew garfield. i believe all of you people when you come over here and steal our jobs. ( laughter ) trump should build a wall in the atlantic and make england pay for it. do you feel bad taking american actor jobs at
friend? >> um, no. but, um-- i don't think we've taken all of them. we've done our best to be fair and, you know, make it mertocrattic-- is it funny when i talk in an english accent. >> stephen: it sure is. i'm used to seeing you kill people or almost get killed season after season. so you just standing there and looking healthy is actually very weird for me to see. >> my wife just said, "i haven't seen you look this kempt for months," because i've been playing a disheveled version of the character. >> stephen: for those of you who watch "homeland," like i do, the new season starts this sunday night. and. ( cheers and applause ) at the end, your character, peter, at the end of last season. >> yup. >> stephen: was essentially dead. >> well, he'd been, by my count, shot, stabbed, had septicemia, been gassed, b
coma, woken up from the coma, and then had a stroke. sp he tried to drown himself in the middle. so he was-- he was doing well. >> stephen: he was having-- he was vague bad day. >> he was having a bad day. >> stephen: and so for just a little spoiler alert, you're here, so you're not dead in the new season. but you don't-- you don'tue don't look and you don't feel that good. >> that's an understatement, yeah, yeah. he's not in a great way. and it was one of the interesting conversations when they found me and said, "are you coming back? you're going to be completely different. we don't know how. we don't know quite what you're doing. you can't really do anything, but you're incredibly capable. you're very-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: you're a capable person who is suddenly unable to do the things he always could. >> except you sort of still can. you're just like the old quinn but nothing at all like that. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm confused. but so is carrie, as we can see
jim. >> the hardest time when you can't go on one more second. that's when you have to keep trying because that's when breakthroughs happen. >> (bleep) (bleep). >> i know you want to get out of here, but you're not ready yet. >> will you just stop! you're being like a dog! >> listen, just stay with it. you will improve. >> i just said stop! i'm not get anything better! can't you get that through your (bleep) skull! >> let me go. >> let me go. ( cheers and applause ) >> i haven't seen that. >> stephen: you haven't seen that? you hadn't seen that? >> no. >> stephen: it's a great series. you should watch it. it's really-- it will really hook you. have you watched the previous seasons? >> no. >> stephen: some actors don't like to watch themselves at all. you haven't watched it? >> no.
why don't you-- why don't you want to watch yourself on screen? >> it's kind of-- it's a weird, like, outside looking in thing that i find very odd. >> stephen: have you watched any of your stuff? >> as little as i can get away with. >> stephen: so you find out later whether it was any good from other people. >> yeah. >> stephen: or do you even care what people say? do you ever read reviews or anything like that? >> not really, no. it's quite selfish pursuit. it's like imaginary or something. it's a very-- yeah, it's a selfish pursuit. >> stephen: is that to keep yourself from being hurt in case it's not as good as you want or something like that? >> no, i think it is to try to preserve the yesterday pure suspension of disbelief. so that there is no correlation to any other world than the-- except for the one that i'm pretending to be in, if that makes sense. >> stephen: wow. i do that by reading "lord of the rings." but i understand you grew up in oxford shirr. >> i used to drink in the inkling pub. >> it'
kin, they had a club, a writers and poets club. you drank in that pub? >> yes. >> stephen: i hate you. >> we can go. >> stephen: is it like hobbit country around there. >> yes, we young people who grew up there referred to it as "the shire." it was pubs with tankards and snuff and grumpy bar men and dogs and eggs pickled in jars on the bar counter -- >> you lost me there. >> i heard you talking about flats. you can't say flats. did you see tidally -- >> i said twig 'n' berries. kick them in the twig 'n' berries. >> yeah, that's very hobbity. >> stephen: that's hobbity. tolkin rarely talks about genitalia. i've read everything. exactly. now, i also want to say please say hello to
this is your lovely wife. she is a paralympickian, aimee mullins. we had her on the old show, "the colbert report" and we had a lovely time talking to her. >> she said. >> stephen: what did she say? >> she said you got a bit gooey. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> like fell into her eyes a little bit, and had to sort of stop the show-- this is true-- and restart the show and say, "sorry, guys, we're going to retape that bit." and basically blushed bright red and had to, you know, be touched up and makeup. ( laughter ) >> stephen: here's a fun thing, here's a fun thing-- funny ancillary to that story-- my wife doesn't know that story. >> she does now. >> stephen: thank you so much. the new season of "homeland" premieres this sunday on showtime. rupert friend, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian gary gulman.
show"." my next guest is a regular at the comedy cellar here in new york. please welcome gary gulman! ( applause ) >> thank you so much. you sound great. it's good to be here. i'm vlg a good kay. yesterday, of tough. i slept too late. i slept-- all i know is that i woke up and i was immediately praying, "please be a.m. please be a.m ( laughter ) i turned over my phone. it was 1:52 p.m. 1:52 p.m. spp you're thinking you must have gone to bed really late. 11:00. i slept through an entire "m." ( laughter ) by the way, i woke up at 1:52 p.m. i didn't get up at 1:52
getting up become two separate negotiations? ( laughter ) successful people have no idea what i'm talking about. they wake up, they get up, they start dominating the world. everybody else, there's promises and compromises and bargains. ( laughter ) the other-- the other day i said to myself-- i couldn't believe it i said, "gar--" i'm very gentle with myself. i said, "gar, just brush your top teeth." ( laughter ) i had to do laundry. that kept me in bed. i didn't want to do the laundry. and i just-- uck. you have to separate it and put it in the wash. take it out of the wash. put it in the dryer, and wait for an angry neighbor to take it out for you. then you've got to put it into the laundry bag and dump it on the bed and sleep
the thing that gets me through, though, is donuts and ice cream. i love ice cream, but i have this thing where i have to eye don't want to eat the entire pint, so i say just eat half the pint. but then when i get halfway through, i have this compulsion where i need to leave a flat surface. ( laughter ) ( applause ) who-- who am i leaving the flat surface-- for the day crew? ( laughter ) they'll come in and be outraged by all the crags and crannies in this? ( laughter ) but i find myself eating it flat. y eat more, and then i'll come across a chocolate chunk, and i'll have to excavate that. ( laer
( applause ) and then there's a pothole, i gotta smooth that over. i'm doing all this ice cream masonry work, and then it starts to melt around the edges. and that's delicious, so i have to eat that. before i know it, i've hit bottom. literally and figuratively i've hit bottom. and i finish the ice cream, and i put the fork down. ( laughter ) i-- more often than not, i use a fork to eat ice cream. and if you eat ice cream with a fork, i know you so well. ( laughter ) i know you so well. because my policy is i'm not washing a spoon until i'm all out of forks. ( laughter ) and people say, "why don't you just wash a spoon?" why don't i showe
( laughter ) ( applause ) fork prints in ice cream, oh! if i see a fork print, i know your world! fork prints in ice cream are evidence of a life in chaos. chaos. if i see fork prints in your ice cream, i don't need to see your kitchen. i know the dishes are piled so high, you can't refill the brita. not that i should refill the brita. i haven't changed the filter in four years. ( laughter ) i don't need to go in your bedroom. i know there's no top sheet on your bed. the top sheet is takd up over the window as a curtain. ( laughter ) i don't need to go into your bathroom. i know that the new roll of toilet paper is resting on the empty spool. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's
can do while sitting on the toilet. and i'm like, phew! not today. not today. i don't have the strength to squeeze that spindle and lock it in. thank you so much, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) his netflix special is "it's about time." gary gulman, everybody! we'll be right back. fios is not cable. we're wired differently. that means incredibly fast 150 meg internet. so in the 3.7 seconds it takes gary watson to beat the local sled jump record fly, gary, fly. ...his friend can download 13 different versions of the perfect song... ...his sister can live stream it... ...while his mom downloads how to set a dislocated shoulder,
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late show." join us next week when i'll be talking to sarah paulson, billy eichner, and jim gaffigan james corden is next. have a great weekend! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ what you're going through it'll be starlight ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from appaloosa, georgia, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james