tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 24, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST
i'm sorry. is this-- i was not informed. am i supposed to be singing right now? ( laughter ) okay. we've got a great show. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes oprah winfrey. and musical guest pretty yende. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! what's going on! woooo! hey, jon. hey!
thanks so much. please. folks, welcome to the show. have a seat. i'm your host, stephen colbert. happy new year, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) it's going to be a great one, all right, clean slate. everybody got your new year's resolutions. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: got anything good? >> jon: yeah, i want to try to be a better friend. >> stephen: are we friends? >> jon: we are friends. >> stephen: i think we're friends. we go out to dinner and share secrets. >> jon: we're not just tv friends, we're real friends. >> stephen: actual friends. you've been a very good friend to me. >> jon: i feel like you've been a good friend to me and i'm glad to know you. >> stephen: could i be a better friend? >> jon: i don't, i don't-- i'll get back to you on that. >> stephen: sounds like i could be a better friend. i have a new year's resolution. my resolution was to have oprah winfrey on the show. and so far. ( cheers and applause ) is she still here? she's here.
oprah's here. yeah. you can tell that oprah's here. all these lights are running off the energy put out of her body, all the positiveness. anyway, it's great to be back. i've kind of missed being out here with you guys and you guys out here. you know who else is back at work this week is the congress. and today-- big fans. big fans out there. ( booing ) today is their first official day of work, but republicans thought they'd come in yesterday just to get a jump on it. they've got so much they promised to do: defeat isis, cut taxes, fix our trade deals with china. so, naturally, the first thing they did yesterday was eviscerate the office of congressional ethics. yeah, they gutted it in a secret vote which seems, what's the word? unethical. if only there was some office in congress that could investigate .
see, here's the deal. instead of having an independent office to look into the ethics of the people of congress, republicans thought it would be better for congress to investigate itself. it's like if kids got together and said, "listen, shana, you've been a great babysitter, but we took a secret vote to send you home. leave the cigarettes. bye-bye." the g.o.p. plan also barred investigators from considering anonymous tips against lawmakers. it's like the old saying, if you see something... ( cheers and applause ) all this seems kind of sketchy, right, it doesn't seem quite right but the guy who came up with the plan, virginia congressman bob goodlat, defended it saying, "the office of congressionalic
serious and important role in the house, and this amendment does nothing to impede their work." so, it's not bad, which is why they did it in secret, behind closed doors. ( laughter ) that's where you do all the stuff you're most proud of, like when you're a teenager and your mom walks in on you. "mom, please, close the door! i'm being ethical in here! it's natural at my age to be ethical. i'm looking at my ethical magazines." ( laughter ) here's the switcheroo. they were supposed to vote on it today, but today, house republicans pulled the plan after donald trump criticized it in a tweet. man! when donald trump calls you out for being unethical, that's a wake-up call. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
that is-- that's not good! that's not good! that's like-- that's like if keith richards told you to moisturize. if i'm not mistaken-- and i'm not-- that was not trump's only holiday tweet. he also said, "the u.s. consumer confidence index for december surged nearly four points to 113.7, the highest level in more than 15 years! thanks donald!" you heard that right. donald trump thanked himself in the third person. ( laughter ) and stephen colbert thinks that's crazy. ( laughter ) ( applause ) thanks. thanks, stephen! thanks! thanks, stephen! you're welcome. and-- when was this, on new years? it was on new years, donald
do we have them here? let's look at some of those right now. trump greeting cards. this is nice. this is nice. ( laughter ) ( applause ) love! spanish. how do you say love in spanish? amor! here's a good one. oh, okay. i like this one. here's a trump card that says, ( laughter ) ( applause ) based on a true story. based on a true story. oh, this is a nice sentiment. ( laughter ) ( applause ) again. >> jon: oh!
story. can't make this stuff up. here is another sweet card: ( laughter ) ( applause ) here's an anytime card. this is an anytime card: ( applause ) those are for sale. ( cheers and applause ) those are for sale. and speaking of vladimir putin, there's big news on the russian hacking scandal. over the holiday break, president obama kicked out 35 russian diplomats he said were spies, just showed them the door. it may seem harsh to do that at christmas. but remembru
this year they're going to be celebrating on january 20. >> jon: oh! oh! oh! >> stephen: love! love! putin responded to these deportations by doing something absolutely shocking-- taking the high road. because he not only declined to expel american diplomats from russia. he also invited the children of u.s. diplomats in russia to a new year's eve party in the kremlin. so sweet. that's a really nice gesture. in fact, each child was given a holiday gift of a teddy bear with real moving eyes. it follows you around the room. of course, president-elect trump defended america by supporting russia tweeting: mr. trump, putin is not the leader whose intelligence we've been questioning.
( applause ) ( cheers ) we know he's smart. and look, here is why donald trump defended putin. even though all intelligence sources agree that russian hackers tried to influence our election, donald trump does not buy it. >> mr. president-elect, senator graham today said that he-- they're putting together sanctions to go after putin personally. would you back that? >> i don't know what he's doing. i haven't spoken to senator graham. i don't know, haven't spoken to him. as you know, he ran against me, and i haven't spoken to him. >> you have to admit, he shocked the world. if nothing else to say, he shocked the world. >> stephen: yes, yes. he shocked the world. not as shocking as don king standing next to the future president. why is he next to the commander- in-chief?
floyd mayweather or something? is donald trump going to get a face tattoo and bite lindsey graham's ear off? i would watch that on pay-per- view. plus, donald trump says he doesn't have to listen to anyone about hacking because he's the real tech genius. >> i know a lot about hacking, and hacking is a very hard thing to prove. so it could be somebody else. and i also know things that other people don't know, and so they cannot be sure of the situation. >> what do you know that others don't know? >> you'll find out on tuesday or wednesday. >> stephen: tuesday or wednesday. he needs time to digest the information before he yanks it out of his ass. we have a great show for you tonight. oprah! oprah winfrey is here! stick around. love! love! ( band playing )
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cable can't offer speeds this fast at a price this good. only fios can. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! jon batiste and stay human, everybody! give it up! happy new year. happy new year, jon! folks, welcome back to the show. my guest tonight is a woman so famous, she needs only one name. please welcome oprah winfrey! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ join hands start a love train love train ♪ people all over the world join hands ♪ start a love train love train ♪ >> jon batiste! th
jon batiste! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: happy new year to you. >> happy new year to you. and i was saying to your team, it's usually hard to get a guest on, like, tonight. >> stephen: the first night back. >> the first night back. so i booked myself a couple months ago. i just called and said-- >> stephen: you are the best. >> i wanted to make it easier for you. >> stephen: you are the best. thank you. >> it's hard. >> stephen: are these new? are these glass new? >> well, for years i wore contact lenses and then i got an eye infection and i started wearing glasses for it to clear up, and after it cleared up i kept wearing the glasses. >> stephen: they look fantastic. >> thank you. these are real. >> stephen: could i try those? >> you will not be able to see. you'll see how blind i am. let's see. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> see --
>> because i really can't see you. >> stephen: you really can't see. >> this is like you're playing with this. what is this? i really can't see. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> it's real. >> stephen: no one will ever accuse you of lying. >> good. >> stephen: do you have new year's resolutions? because mine was to have you on, and i'm holding it so far. do you have new year's resolutions? >> well, i stopped doing it. you know why? because i used to have these, like, really high goals for myself. like, i would remember, like, in '99 or something, going into 2000, i wanted courage. i want more courage in the year. or i want more passion. you know when you ask for courage, you get a whole lot of other stuff that's not. >> stephen: you get a lot of things you need to be courageous about. >> so i said i'm not asking for that no more. i don't want courage. and if you ask-- >> give me the strength to say, "stay on the couch and watch tv, lord."
>> that's right. and if you ask for love, you get the opposite because you have to show how you can love people in spite of their, you know, failings. >> stephen: you're blowing my mind right now. >> i'm telling you. >> stephen: wow. >> so i am just like, chill, whatever you want, god. i'm okay. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'll try that. that's good. >> i'm okay. i'm okay. >> stephen: that's good. now, you had the first lady's exit interview. >> yes. >> stephen: right before christmas. >> yes. did you see any of it. >> stephen: i didn't. >> did not! it's okay. >> stephen: i did not. i did not. i'm sorry. i was busy being with my family. >> as you should have been. >> stephen: thank you, thank you. >> a lot of people with their families and they watched that special on cbs. ( laughter ) ( applause )( cheers ) a lot of people-- they actually tweeted, "oprah, we're here with our family. we're watching." but i understand. i understand. >> stephen: i wanted to save it. i wanted to save it. i'm saving it for when i'm good enough to deserve it.
>> it was fun, though. but, also, a little-- you know, it was bittersweet. because i had done a similar interview for the magazine in 2008 when the girls were just, like, baby children. and-- baby childrens! and, you know, the thing that i'm going to miss the most-- i actually said this-- if you had seen the interview, you would have heard me say this to her. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you're making me regret being honest, you realize. >> no, i appreciate it. you know what i really appreciate that you didn't say, "oh, yeah, i saw it." i'm not kidding. i really appreciate that. >> stephen: okay. >> you didn't dvr it, either. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's okay! so, the thing -- >> oh, oprah, i'm so glad you're here. >> but the thing that i said to her that i'm really going to
you get a christmas card, right, from them, every year? >> stephen: uh. >> you did. >> stephen: i got a christmas card, yes. >> you did. so over the years you get the christmas cards. and the girls have grown up. and this year's christmas card was, like the whole family, and the girls are all grown. >> stephen: beautiful gowns. >> beautiful gowns. and for me, you know, african american woman. african american woman being able to see that reflection of myself through the girls and through her, just their presence there, i'm going to miss that. but it has meant so much to me. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, extraordinary. yeah. >> the-- as i said to her, the kind of-- the way she's handled all of it, you know, the critics from the beginning, the way she's handled -- >> everybody likes her on both sides of the aisle. >> they didn't start out that way. they did not start that way. >> stephen: that shows great strength of character. >> that's right.
office? >> never! >> stephen: really. >> never, no, i do not. >> stephen: is there any charismatic african american woman that both sides of the political aisle. ( cheers and applause ) really love. >> never! never! never! no, no it's not my thing. >> stephen: but people do-- both sides of the aisle love you. the proof, while all other magazines are dying, yours is still going strong "o" magazine right here. look at that. look at that. i can ask you about this. >> stephen: what. >> stephen: can i ask you. this line right here. how do you-- how do you bring yourself to lie next to a lion like that? >> you don't. >> stephen: you don't? >> no, you don't. the lion was shot before i got there. and the lion-- it was in a cage with the photographer. and then they put a guy in a lion suit. >> stephen: there's a guy in a-- >> they put a guy in a lion suit next to me as they plath
original lion, and then i lay up against the guy in the lion suit. ( laughter ) because i ain't crazy. i'm not, like doing that! >> stephen: i'm glad you were honest. i'm glad you were honest about that. i would hate to think you would lie to me. ( applause ) >> but i did-- this is my year of adventure, so i did just come from-- you don't have the january cover? okay. >> stephen: no, i don't. i have it tivo'd. ( laughter ) >> no, i was just-- i was at the grand canyon. and that really is me at the grand canyon. i am going around different places so that's what i'm going to do this year. >> stephen: wow. can you teach me-- can you teach me how to do this? your smiles are always so great. when i go to smile-- when somebody says "smile" i look like i'm in fear. >> you know what the secret is. >> stephen: everybody do this. >> the secret is when you're getting ready to smile and taking a picture, particularly in a group. yb
that's not good. you want to say, "yay! yay!" one, two, three. yay! look at how good you look! >> stephen: love! >> yay! >> stephen: we're going to take a little break here, but we'll be right back to talk about your new book. stick around, ladies and gentlemen. >> yay! in a world that needs a hero, justice is spelled b-o-x. say hello to a powerful tool that gives you options to fit your budget. ♪ oh, i'm tied to this chair! ♪ dun-dun-daaaa! i don't know that an insurance-themed comic book is what we're looking for. did i mention he can save people nearly $600? you haven't even heard my catchphrase. i'm all done with this guy. box him up. that's terrible.
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♪ join hands >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we're back here with our friend oprah winfrey. >> those guys are so good. >> stephen: they're an amazing band, incredible. >> and i didn't know there was a christmas album until today. >> stephen: what. >> yes. >> stephen: it's fantastic. "christmas with jon batiste" tearing up the charts. >> yes. >> stephen: it's incredible. you gotta get it. ev t
>> next year. >> stephen: no, no, it will keep christmas in your heart every day of the year. speaking of pushing product. you have a new book here called "food, health and happiness." "food, health and happiness." with oprah winfrey. that's you. ( laughter ) how do you-- like, you do so many things. how do you pick, like, which projects you're going to do? like-- >> well, so i started weight watchers. i've lost 42.5 pounds! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: wow. >> and i-- and everybody who came to my house was saying things like, "oh, gosh, i thought you were on weight watchers. you're eating tacos. i can't believe you're eating truffles and stuffed tortellini." >> stephen: that's how your friends talk? >> they do. >> stephen: you've got to get new friends. >> everybody was talking about all the food we have at the house. and i said you can eat anything you want on weight watchers. that's the whole point. it's the first time, everybody who has watched me over years knows ve
and it's the first time i've actually felt that i have gotten it under control, that this is a life-sustaining program-- ( applause ). >> stephen: is this a diet book? >> it's not a diet book. what i did was-- because weight watchers counts points, not calorie s. >> stephen: how do you win? how do you win with point? is it a low score or high score. >> i play my point. i have 30 points a day. every food has a point and i play it like a game. that's exactly how i do it. >> stephen: really? >> at the end of the day, like, tonight i didn't eat a whole lot-- although you did have bread for me in the green room. thank you. >> stephen: you're welcome. >> i eat four point of bread, i had an egg. i'm going into the night with 21 point for dinner, you know,. >> stephen: so 21, so bring me the fettucine alfredo. >> i can do that and a couple of glass of wine if i wanted to tonight, i could. so that's the way i play the game. but this is not a diet book. it's a book about my journey with food. itea
>> really? >> it is. >> stephen: a memoir. what are some of your happiest memories of food? ( laughter ) like childhood memories of food? >> okay, good, like here, on the beginning first page where i talk about-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: want to ask me if i read this? >> i'm not. i know better than to do that. ( applause ) that's on my farm.
could only serve me soup, that i would mean-- i associated that soup as a love thing, you know,. >> stephen: wow. that's lovely. speaking of love and food, the last time you were here we were talking about a beautiful series on religion. >> yeah. >> stephen: so the last thing we were talking about was god, and this one is about food. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay. jesus said, "man cannot live on bread alone." >> yeah, but if he can, make it good. ( laughter ) make it seven grain, i say. >> stephen: exactly. ( applause ) ( cheers ) go ahead, i don't know where you're going with this.
>> stephen: that's nice. >> it's based on how tall you are and what your weight is. so you would probably get more points than i would because you're taller than i am. depending on your weight sight. i get 30, i know some people get 40, 42 point a day, depending where you are in the program. it has worked for me and it's not a diet and i've not sacrificed one day of losing 42.5 pounds. that's what i want you to know ( applause ). >> stephen: one of the questions-- one of the chapters it says, chapter two, "what are you really hungry for?" oprah? ( laughter ). >> did you that very well. >> stephen: what are you really hungry for? >> i really am not hungry for anything right now because my favorite word, as i say at the end of this, is i've come to a point where, you know, i've achieved a lot of things and done a lot of things and have a lot of stuff. and i talk to a lot of people who also have achieved a lot of things and done a lot of things, but they're not content with it.
contentment. i am so content with just the simplest things, you know. actually, the picture that best describes me i think is there is a picture in the back of this book that if you want to say who am i really in my most private moments that i'm not even instagramming, that's who i am. that's who i am. you see that? that's my dog luke and my dog lalay. ( applause ) yes!
you know how that started? john travolta was on my show many years ago, and i was-- i just love john travolta. isn't he a great guy. there's just something about john travolta. and i said, "coming up next ♪ john travolta and it just sounded so good. i was just so happy to be talking to ♪ john travolta >> stephen: i've got a challenge for you. are you up for a challenge? >> sure. >> stephen: okay. what we've done is we've come up with some things that are nearly impossible to be excited about. >> okay. >> stephen: some statements, some sentences that you cannot-- cannot be said in an exciting way, but we believe that you have the power to make even these sentence sound exciting. and if you wouldn't mind. ( cheers and applause ) i'd like-- you show me how to do it and i'll try to do it with you.
we'll do it together, other, shall we? >> all right, what are they? what are they? >> stephen: this is "oprah helps stephen make anything exciting!" >> okay, ready. >> stephen: this is you right here. >> this is me right here. >> stephen: this is the first thing, even oprah can make this sound exciting ♪ your flight has been canceled ( applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. another you go. >> stephen: i'll try it. ♪ the lasting effects climate change are irreversible ♪ ( applause ). >> this is bad. ( laughter ) this is not good. >> you can make it sound good. >> okay. ♪ the tests are back. you have chlamydia ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and you have chlamydia! and you have chlamydia! and you have chlamydia! stick around, oprah and i are going to cook a sexy breakfast.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we're here with the lovely oprah winfrey. she has a new book "food, health and happiness." and right now, i'm in luck because oprah is going to teach me how to make-- what do you call it a sexy breakfast? >> sexy breakfast. >> stephen: what makes the breakfast sexy? do you eat it naked in front of a full-length mirror? >> you're going to make the salsa. that's what makes it sexy. there are little jalapenos in there is there a little tomato, a little onion. >> garlic. >> stephen: and a couple of those in there. >> and a little salt. i think you need one of these, too. >> stephen: what is that? >> a pepper. >> that's a lot of pepper. that's sexy.
( laughter ) we have a reluctant tomato. ( laughter ) which was actually my stripper name when i was younger. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay. so, while i'm doing this what, do we do next? let me just-- oh, yeah! >> oh, yeah, this is good. >> stephen: juice it, baby! okay, i'm salsa'd up over here. >> what i do, an egg is two points. >> stephen: another great. >> and three egg whites is one. so this would be, like, three points. and i always add, like, a yolk to three whites because i like not just eating egg whites but the very idea i like my eggs to be yellow. >> stephen: me, too. >> just hold that right there. >> stephen: why do i have a giant, murderer's knife in my hand? what is this for? what am i slicing. >> you would be slicing a little avocado right now.
we're making this? >> stephen: let's do it, man. what's your indulgent food? what's the thing you just sort of give in to if you-- >> i'm a big, big, big truffle person. >> stephen: truffle? >> person. >> stephen: hold on. what is this? it's called truffle zest. holy cow. >> it's shaved truffles in a jar. >> stephen: wow! >> doesn't it-- look at that. intense. i'm just making a little egg here. ( laughter ) ( applause ) no, no, okay. if you do this, you can guys can smell it. see. >> stephen: you guys want to smell this real quick? >> it's powerful. >> audience: wooo! >> isn't that powerful? is there now, truffle zest. is that only for billionaires, or because--
>> no. ( laughter ) no. >> stephen: you rub this under your arms? >> no, no, no. you don't like truffles, right? >> stephen: i love it, but they're really expensive, right. >> it's like $12, okay. >> stephen: work the market in truffles has crashed. what to i do? i've got the salsa. i've got my avocado. >> okay, good, and now we're going to put a little-- you're going to put the salsa on there. i'm not sure about yours. i would rather try this. >> stephen: hold on. >> this is probably going to be- - huh? >> stephen: yeah, that's better. >> okay. yeah, i saw that. i saw what. >> stephen: that is super hot. wow. okay. oh, my goodness! oh, lord. >> sexy. oh, lord. >> stephen: what do i do. >> where's my zest. >> stephen: the truffle zest on that. >> yeah! >> stephen: how much? >> do it around the edges. >> stephen: there you go. >> that's not enough.
good. i just wanted you to take a little bite of this. okay, good, sex, sexy. okay. sexy breakfast. >> stephen: lord, have mercy. >> come on. get the truffle part, too. >> stephen: that is-- >> sexy. >> stephen: that is extremely sexy, and i'm in a relationship right now. >> good though, right? >> stephen: that is absolutely gorgeous. now, can i eat that three times a day? >> you don't have to. >> stephen: no, but can i? >> i don't want you to get bored one thing. i want you to have some pasta for dinner or if you want tacos or something, fish, a big salad. i don't want you to eat just one thing. no. that's whole point. you're going to balance. you're going to have a great time. you're going to eat the foods you love, that's it. >> stephen: love! >> love! >> stephen: yay! >> yay. >> stephen: the book is "food, health and happiness." the woman is the one and only oprah. >> thank you!
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>> stephen: that's it for "the good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ that chewing gum it'll come out with ice it'll be all right! ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: all the way from right exactly where you're at, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪