tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 30, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST
featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the theaterea thter in new york city -- from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! how are you, my friends? ♪ ( cheers and applause ) oh! hey! welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) we've missed you guys. we've really missed you guys. we've been off the air for the last seven... years? feels like. >> jon: feels like it. >> stephen: so this is our first show of
administration ( audience reacts ) you ever regret going on vacation? ( laughter ) "take the week off, they said. america will still be here when you get back. they said. how much could he do in a week?" we were here for the inauguration show right after that. everybody said, whether you voted for him or not, you know, people said, you know, let's not worry too much, okay? >> jon: mm-hmm. >> stephen: let's wait and see. well, we didn't have to wait too long. ( laughter ) the line moves so fast on this ride. ( laughter ) every day you just get right back on that rollercoaster and start throwing up. ( laughter ) we've got the fast pass! ( piano riff ) right this way. ( applause ) you got to give the guy credit. st can creelly get a lot of
from obamacare to climate change to torture, he's already moved the country back to 2004. if this keeps up, pretty soon, i'm going to launch the "colbert report." ( cheers and applause ) no, you can't sustain a show like that. ( laughter ) this guy trump -- is that his name, trump? >> jon: mm-hmm. this guy is the usain bolt of executive orders. the latest is the order banning any refugees from entering the country for 120 days. ( audience reacts ) now, keep in mind -- there are currently more refugees than at any time since world war ii, and trump just slammed the door. explains why the poem on the statue of liberty now reads, "don't let it hit ya where the good lord split ya." ( laughter ) still rhymes. it's
now, this ban took effect immediately and it caught a lot of people by surprise. like two christian families who had planned their departure from syria for years, secured all their visas, and then were detained at philadelphia international airport and then put on a return flight to damascus. ( booing ) that's like saying... welcome to trump's america, a shining city on a... psych! ( laughter ) and at dulles airport, a five-year-old iranian boy was detained for hours and kept from his mother. or as kellyanne conway calls it, "alternative daycare." ( applause ) it's a reasonable term! it's a reasonable term! ( applause ) >> jon: man! >> stephen: now, all of this is upsetting, if you're one of those people who thought about it. which is why tens of thousands of protestors spontaneously demonstrated at airports all arou
( cheers and applause ) look at that. tens of thousands. >> jon: thousands of people. >> stephen: do you have any idea how angry people have to be to voluntarily go to j.f.k? ( laughter ) just walk to your destination. it's quicker. people were so angry that at seattle's seatac airport, police released pepper spray into the crowd. still healthier than panda express. and there was outrage all over the world. a member of iraq's parliament said that following the ban, "it is very likely that iraq will stop granting u.s. citizens entry visas." sorry kids, there goes spring break in fallujah. though, honestly, when did the u.s. ever ask permission to enter iraq?
>> whoa! ( applause ) >> stephen: now, trump responded to criticism that the plan was rushed, tweeting, "if the ban were announced with a one-week notice, the "bad" would rush into our country during that week. a lot of bad "dudes" out there." i don't think president trump has ever "used" quotation marks "before." ( laughter ) not sure. bunny ear. unbuny ear. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) it's just kind of sprinkled in there. he just throws quotations in there -- there, that'll make it tasty! and "bad dudes?" if you're talking about the most evil people in the world, that's pretty flippant, sir. there's a reason winston churchill didn't say, "we shall fight the dudes on the beaches, we shall fight the bros on
landing grounds, we shall fight the homies in the fields and in the streets. shaka brah!" ( laughter ) shaka brah! shaka brah! ( applause ) and on "cbs this morning" this morning white house advisor steve miller explained that the protests are actually a good sign. >> if nobody's disagreeing with what you're doing, then you're probably not doing anything that really matters. >> stephen: yeah, if the medicine didn't kill half the patients, how good of a doctor could you be? ( applause ) besides, this weekend wasn't chaotic at all. as a white house official said last night, "it really is a massive success story in terms of implementation on every single level."
and you know it was a massive success because he spoke on the condition of anonymity. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's a great sign! you're always proudest of the things you won't put your name on. "i know we're the champions of denying refugees shelter, but is there any way we could leave that trophy blank? and this wasn't the only thing that has me upset. trump's top political adviser and the handsomest guy at the liquor store, steve bannon, on the national security council. ( audience reacts ) above the joint chiefs! it's not normal to put a political strategist in a room where global life or death decisions are made. bush didn't even do it with teve!
the gig! the white house has come to bannon's defense, by pointing out that he was in the navy. great. in the navy. now they've just got to add the construction worker, the leatherman and the indian chief and hold the meetings at the y.m.c.a. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( singing y.m.c.a. ) >> stephen: mike pence is not going to like that part. ( laughter ) but that's not the thing that's most personally upsetting to me. he recently described trump voters as "the working-class hobbits." hey -- now you've gone too far. you might be the dark media genius behind the biggest electoral upset in american history, you might be playing footsie with neo-nazis, but now we're talking tolkien. and that's a subject i happen to know just a little bit about. ( cheers and applause )
sorry, steve bannon, if that is your real neck, there is no working class in hobbiton -- it's an agrarian society. the only working class citizen of hobbiton is ted sandyman, the miller. and he's the bad guy-- he scoffed at samwise gamgee, said bilbo was cracked and allied with saruman in the scouring of the shire. ( cheers and applause ) so steve bannon, when it comes to hobbits, maybe you should shut your mouth and listen for a while. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: lay it up! lay it up! >> stephen: the restraint i am showing right now -- ( laughter ) of course, the next item on trump's to-do list is picking someone for the supreme court.
and today trump announced the he has, um, a big decision and, uh, that he has made, a very big decision. >> we have a big decision and, uh, that i have made, very big decision on the united states supreme court that is going to be announced tomorrow night from the white house at 8:00 o'clock. >> stephen: yes, trump will be announcing his supreme court pick tomorrow at 8:00 p.m., live from the white house! it'll be the most exciting supreme court announcement since justice kagan burst through a banner at the superbowl. half time show. ( cheers and applause ) and just to drive the hype, trump has released this ad to promote the announcement. >> this tuesday at 8:00 p.m., entertainment gets supreme! from executive producer donald trump, it's supreme court domination 2017!
ll internet. cable only offers upload speeds that are a fraction of their downloads. now you might think it's a little odd that the wilsons have a half house, but they think it's a little odd to pay for uploads that aren't up to speed. get 150 meg internet with equal uploads and downloads, tv and phone for only $79.99 per month online for one year. cable can't offer speeds this fast at a price this good. only fios can. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. give it up for jon and the band, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) yes, sir! whoo!
good to be back, isn't it? >> jon: yes, indeed. >> stephen: love these people. >> jon: yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, john, we've talked about this before, people are always coming up to me and saying, you're kind of like my tv dad, they say. >> jon: yeah, mm-hmm. >> stephen: it kind of makes sense because, like a lot of dads, my idea of parenting is having you watch tv. laugh whraf and as your tv dad, i know i haven't been around much as i should lately. but i want you to know i care about you, so dad's calling a family meeting! ( cheers and applause ) hey, champ. let's take a load off. chew the fat. shoot the number two. i can tell you've been feeling anxious lately, and it's times like these that you really need a dad... to tell you tta
your mom. so joining us, is someone who isn't your mom, but is really good at playing them. leslie mann. leslie, come on out here! good to see you. how are you? good to see you. come sit down. ( cheers and applause ) okay? all right. >> hi, sweetheart. hi. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm sorry. i interrupted you. go ahead. >> hi, sweetheart. >> stephen: i usually say "champ." >> well you don't mind if i call you "sweetheart," do you, honeybunch? listen, we know there's a lot of uncertainty in your life right now. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. things are changing. there's strange hair in places you never expected. >> like the oval office. ( laughter ) but we just want to tell you that everything is going to be okay. >> stephen: we want to tell you that. but we can't. >> nope.
( cheers and applause ) mmm... mommy juice. but there are some things we "can" tell you. >> stephen: yeah, like we want you to think for yourself. if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off too? >> because we think you should get into base jumping. it would really look good on your college application. >> stephen: she's right. and champ, just because it seems like everywhere you look, the rules are changing, doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. under our roof, you live by our rules. >> but... if you go up-on-the roof, then technically you're not in our house, and anything goes. >> stephen: that's true. yeah. it's like international waters up there. you could run a cock fighting ring on the roof, and the cops can't touch you. >> and another thing -- you spend too much time looking at your phone. ( phone buzzing ) >> stephen: hey! hey!
eyes up here, mister! you're missing out on spending time with people who love you. only 302 steps today? how's that possible? the kitchen is like 500 steps away. this is bull (bleep). ( laughter ) >> also, your father and i don't want you watching all those r-rated movies. >> stephen: there's just too much violence. >> and not nearly enough nudity. >> stephen: that's why we rented you porky's. okay? there's a shower scene with boobies in it. >> and the gym teacher grabs someone's weiner through the wall. >> stephen: it's true. you are going to watch it and you are going to learn from it, okay? because we know you're getting curious about sex. >> remember: what you do with your body is between you and your partner... and mike pence. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and what you do in your room is your business. but we just want to remind
that bed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> and we just want to make sure you're being safe. so if you're going to have sex, make sure it's with a lifeguard. >> stephen: also, have a safe word. pick something that you would never call out in a moment of passion. like, "pumpkin patch." >> unless you're doing it in a pumpkin patch. >> stephen: that one's seasonal. well, listen, it was a good talk, sweetheart. >> we love you champ. >> stephen: we'll be right back with leslie mann! all right? ( cheers and applause )
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you know my first guest from her roles in "knocked up" and "this is 40" and now she stars in "the comedian." please welcome leslie mann. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! hello! >> stephen: thank you so much for doing the family needing. >> it was fun. >> stephen: the kids need it. yes. >> stephen: they need the guidance we provide. >> yes. >> stephen: you're a mother. yes. >> stephen: you and your lovely husband and i have done mildly social things together, slightly forced social things together -- ( laughter ) >> was it awkward for you? >> stephen: no. we had dinner.
never met. >> stephen: we found ourselves thrown together at a table. >> next to each other. i was having a nervous breakdown because my daughter was going away to school. remember, i was crying a lot. >> stephen: yeah, you were being very brave. >> what was your advice? i can't remember. >> stephen: i think the advice was it only gets harder. suck it up, it only gets harder. no, i said when they come home, they're nicer because they miss you. here's you and your lovely family right there. do you have family meetings? >> not really. do we? we have family fights. >> stephen: all right. it's quality time, however you describe it. >> but we do have family -- i mean, i could lie and say we have family meetings but i don't think we do. >> you?
we don't really have family meetings. i think my wife has more family meetings with the children than we do. is she back there? there she is. ( cheers and applause ) >> nice! nice! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i did not know that she was there. that's how we always greet each other. >> he just gave her a little ass grab. >> stephen: a little bit. it's cbs. let's keep it clean. the reason they have the meetings is they take her more seriously than me.
do they take you both seriously? >> yeah, maybe me more. i guess. i mean, i don't know. we're not, like -- like, funny around the house. i don't find jed that funny. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is he here? i think he's here, too. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: yeah, okay. don't take it personally, jud, just take it professionally. >> he's funny in his professional home, but at home he's like -- (growling) on his phone. he doesn't even look at me. >> stephen: you guys live in l.a. >> yeah. >> stephen: how l.a. are you? are you in a cult? >> if a cult? >> stephen: i think of l.a. as being slightly cultish. if you're in l.a. you do all the l.a. things, like cleanse and all that. >> yeah, well, it's not
>> stephen: what's the definition, don't they mean the same? >> probably on the web site. there is a difference between the two snowwhat do you have to do for your detox? >> from the dee tocks, it's from gwyneth paltrow. >> stephen: you know her. yes. >> stephen: i met her in a party a few weeks ago. you could sun yourself by here. she glows. >> that's why i'm doing the detox because she does it. i figure if i do everything she does, i might be like her. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right. all right. >> anyway -- >> stephen: and jud is doing it, too? >> yes. so i have him on the detox, and he is -- he lost 12 pounds in a week and a half. >>te
yeah. ( applause ) he used to look so terrible -- ( laughter ) he'd have the biggest bags under his eyes and just look gluey -- you know what i mean by that? >> stephen: just a recap, for those of you keeping score at home, he's not fun, he's hideous, and he's here right now. >> great. >> stephen: mm-hmm. ( laughter ) >> but he lost all this weight and i thought, this is great, you know, he's feeling so good now, and i'm, like, extending his life by feeding him this healthy food, and then i, you know, thought, well, like by how much, though? and do i want to -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: why is this? are you worried he might live too long? ( laughter ) is he
>> i don't even know about that. but he's actually a really nice person. >> stephen: very nice guy. he's very funny. >> stephen: he's got a big heart. >> i'm going to keep feeding him healthy foods so that he lives a very long time. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. the new movie is called the "the comedian." >> yes. >> stephen: dan in devito is in this. >> yes. >> stephen: and robert de niro is your co-star. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: and you both have been arrested for assault, something like that? >> yes. >> stephen: explain what's going on in the clip between the two of you. >> so i was arrested for hitting my boyfriend's new girlfriend. >> stephen: okay. and he was arrested for hitting a heckler, because he's a comedian. >> stephen: and this is the two of you comparing your sentences. >> yes. how many hours did you get? a hundred. you? >> 250. for
>> assault. me, too. you got 100 for assault? why is that fair? why does that make sense? that makes no sense at all. why should a man get less than a woman for the same thing? that makes zero sense. not that i mind working here because i really do love being here, but that's bull (bleep). what did you do, get the celebrity discount? >> no, they gave me 30 days in jail. >> well, next time don't hit someone in the head with the microphone, then. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: good advice. please say hi to jud for me. >> there he is! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jud, come here! ( cheers and applause ) >> look how healthy
she's keeping me alive for a limited amount of time. ( laughter ) it's very hard to lose weight during a trump administration. >> it is. a lot of stress eating now. >> stephen: exactly. well, jud, thank you for being here. i'm afraid we're out of time. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but we've learned a lot about you! >> i think i just made 600 bucks. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's a deal. "the comedian" opens this friday. leslie mann, everybody! we'll be right back with lewis black. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ if you're gonna make an entrance... [car driving upon the water]
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voice, which you can now hear in the movie "rock dog." ♪ >> that's right, both kneecaps -- yeah, really give it to him. okay. gotta go. bye, mom. can we get a red cord to go with the red phone?! come on! riff, you're bothering me. >> we've got movement out here. a mastiff is heading out. >> what?! a mastiff is loving snow mountain? >> stephen: please welcome lewis black! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: lewis, lewis, lewis -- sofies to see you -- so nice to see
1997, when we first started working together on "the daily show." i have seen you angry through four presidential administrations. is there anything unique about your present level of anger with the trump administration? ( laughter ) >> i did a lot of hallucinogens when i was younger in order to prepare me for any eventual reality, and i never saw this one coming. ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. well, let's talk about some specifics here because it's been theory up until this past week and now we're into the reality of it. what d do you make of th
immigration ban? >> you know what's interesting is to see them -- is to watch them -- the amount of energy it must take for these people to turn bull (bleep) and insanity and meanness and make it look reasonable, how do you do it? ( cheers and applause ) something i should have said at the top -- when you go in to, you know, work on this, we show it later, this is live to tape, pixelate my face and make my voice fake, because i don't want that big baby yelling at me. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's a deal. it's a deal. now, there's also going to be a voter fraud investigation. trump has claimed for a long time that the vote was fixed. >> yep. >> stephen: and then he
you can't write this (bleep)! ( applause ) >> stephen: and then he continued to complain about it, which was very interesting, which was very unusual to win and then complain about it, and there is going to be an investigation now. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you imagine anything's going to come of that or what do you imagine is going to happen? >> first off, less than half of the american people voted. people don't like to vote. >> stephen: yeah. o, if they don't like to vote, why would you think they would like to then commit voter fraud? you can't even get them into the booth! >> stephen: where is the profit margin? >> there's no profit in it at all! >> stephen: if only we had people cheating at voting, that would mean more people would show up to the polls. >> exactly! and running around town and stopping in at shops to have a
little lunch before they cheat some more! helping the economy out. ( laughter ) then the dead people are voting, the dead people are voting! the reason those people are dead is because they had to vote so many times. >> stephen: they wore 'em out. now, there's been a lot of people -- a lot of people have been worried about trump's coziness with the russians. like, they don't know what his relationship is with vladimir putin. seems to like vladimir putin. >> seems to. he likes people who like him. >> stephen: he got on the phone this weekend with vladimir putin. >> yeah. >> stephen: do we know how that conversation went? >> i don't really care because you don't trust any leader who takes their shirt off in public. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so no president matthew mcconaughey, then? >> no, no, no! >> stephen: i don't know, that's pretty tempting. >> seriously, ooh! >> stephen: what about
did you ever think about doing any politics yourself in you complain about it, but have you ever thrown your hat in the ring? ( cheers and applause ) people seem to like that idea. >> yeah, if there was a year, it should have been the one i ran. who knew you didn't have to know anything. ( laughter ) but i left politics. i was probably one of the only men who ever was the head of the junior prom committee. i ran the junior prom on the promise -- >> stephen: in high school. in high school. springbrook high school, silver spring. ( cheers and applause ) yes, we gather everywhere. >> stephen: the rest of the committee is here tonight. >> yesiree. we're having a reunion. ( laughter ) we ended up spending a -- i ran on the thing that we wouldn't spend a lot of
prom ever. tha>> stephen: that was your campaign pledge? >> that was my campaign pledge. and the theme was show bot boat- ( laughter ) look it up! ♪ old man river >> you know, we were in the south, charleston, hoo-ha. so the idea was to put -- come on, you follow that logic. >> stephen: okay. o in order to decorate the place, i had the brilliant idea we with'd get some brick wallpaper to put on the bleacher sheets and then on that we would put honeysuckle. so we went out to collect honeysuckle and it turns out it was poison ivy. ( laughter ) so a lot of the kids, it was cheap, but a lot of the kids, you know -- there was a lot of scratchy stuff going on. >> stephen: yeah, probably
watch 'em. nobody wanted to get down anybody's pants that night. ( laughter ) lewis, lovely to see you. >> always a pleasure. >> stephen: lovely to see you. "rock dog" opens february 24. the great lewis black, everybody! back with dan levy, stick around! hotels.com's rewards program is simple. for every 10 nights i stay, i get one free. cell phone captain obvious. this on the other hand, will not be simple. you gonna have to ride the belt. hotels.com. so simple, it's the obvious choice. i have liquids in my body! mom,on my car insurance of money by switching to geico. i should take a closer look at geico... you know, geico can help you save money
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! hey, ladies and gentlemen -- my next guest is a co-creator and star of "schitt's creek." please welcome, dan levy! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> this is such a thrill! >> stephen: well, it's a thrill to have you! ( cheers and applause ) now, your show, and i'm not going to say the
because i said it in the intro -- >> do you get in trouble for that? >> stephen: i don't. cbs will allow me to say the name of your show as long as we put up the logo of your show -- "schitt's creek" -- when we say it. >> do you mind if i try it? >> stephen: go ahead. the name of the show is called "schitt's creek" ( applause ) >> stephen: i hear it's a great show. the show stars you, your sister say ray, your father the great levy and your mom katherine o'hara. here's your father right here. he's got enormous -- ( applause ) >> it looks like a presidential photo. that looks like his bid for the presidency. >> ste:
our president. >> could you imagine -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: have you ever been overshadowed by his legacy, by that i mean his eyebrows? because you have some excellent eyebrows. >> i have to trim mine back. he just goes inflagrante with his. >> stephen: i don't speak spanish. >> unbridled hair growth. i think my head is too small for the proportion. the volume growing outwards would not be -- >> stephen: you're saying god gave you more eyebrow than your skull can handle? >> absolutely. my head would just sort of weigh forward if it was up to the heavens. ( laughter ) >> stephen: your dad was one of the creators and stars of sctv, one of the coolest comedy shows ever made. did that if my way make him cool to you as a
way for a father to be cool? >> it was a very strange thing growing up, like, trying to sort of look at the show and look at, like, the schmengy's, for example, and look at my dad and try to reconcile how those two ever came to be because, in person, he is a very serious man, and then to see these characters, it's the weirdest, strangest, goofiest people. >> stephen: in any way undermine his authority as a child, like i can't listen to this guy because he's an idiot? >> he was a very serious parent and, when it came down to it, was trying to embarrass me as best he could, like any parent does often. >> stephen: did he succeed? yes, often. i was a very introverted kid and growing up my dad would do everything in his power to draw attention to me, be it telling a restaurant it wasy
and you would have the song and dance come out and they would bring the cake. >> stephen: was it your birthday? >> no, it was not my birthday. my birthday's in august. it was, like, september or something. there was a whole restaurant with a sparkler. >> stephen: can you get back at him now? because you're the crow creator of the show. >> yeah. >> stephen: can you create opportunities that you -- scenes that your father is in to embarrass him? >> there is a very interesting power shift here because i get to write what he does, so i'm able to hammer home his sensitive spots. one would be his hair. he has a lovely head of hair, don't touch it. i don't know if you knew that. you cannot touch his hair. it's a perfectly coifed head of hair. >> stephen: is it real hair? yes, of course, just don't touch it. the second episode of the first season, i write a drip that
makes his hair sopping wet, and i remember my dad reading the script and sort of calling and going -- (clearing throat) -- i've read the drip story and i have a few questions. ( laughter ) how wet will the hair be? sopping. the hair will be sopping wet. >> stephen: have you done anything so overt he knows it? >> the second season i hat him run through an entire scene full force. >> stephen: does he not run -- he's not the most athletic person. he does his morning walks. i don't think he's ran in 35 years, so that's a first, and you can see it all on "schitt's creek." ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you, dan. "schitt's creek" airs wednesday on pop tv! dan levy, everybody!