- Publication date
by: Wes Robert Ward
As many of us know when buying a carton of a dozen eggs or a carton of 18 eggs many of us check to see if one is broken by opening up the carton to see. Usually if we see one cracked with it's egg yolk guts on display we usually put that one back and check another. If it's a good carton we usually take that one.
This is the story of Ed Jenkins who didn't check the egg carton. What he got wasn't a broken egg, but a demonic one.
Bright and early on a Sunday morning when Ed had his second day off during the weekend from his job as an Electrician for Haggard Construction Company he walked into his kitchen after taking his morning shower and started the coffee maker.
Ed yawned as he waited for his coffee to brew, and while waiting he thought he make himself a quick scrambled egg. He opened the fridge and took out the carton of eggs. He opened the top and saw that all 12 eggs were all in good condition, except one of the eggs in the middle looked different from the others.
"What the hell?" Ed was weirded out as he noticed that all the other eggs were just plain white, but the one in the middle was a tannish color, "Eh, they probably confused a Goose egg or something."
Ed put the open carton of eggs on the kitchen table then went to retrieve the frying pan from one of the top cupboards. His wife Glenda was out of town this weekend visiting her sister in Tucson, Arizona and Ed had the whole house to himself. Just his two old hound dogs Blue & Redd, and Glenda's fat gray female pussycat Fatso.
"Yep, just me and my boys today and Fatso watching college football, ain't that right boys?"
Blue and Redd woofed from the living room. Fatso laid on the top sofa and meowed.
"Yes, my Queen, I will serve your daily tuna in a few minutes."
Ed turned around with the frying pan and went to get a couple of eggs when he noticed something wasn't right with the carton of eggs. It wasn't a complete dozen any more, one was missing… and it was the odd looking one, "What the… Fatso did you take that egg?"
Fatso meowed, "Meow."
"What am I saying, Cats don't eat eggs. Well not Fatso at least. Where the hell did it go?"
Ed looked all over the kitchen table and even under it. Stuff like this really irked him because he thought his old age at 56 was making him forgetful, "Did I take it out? Put it in the fridge?"
Ed looked over towards Glenda's little knick knacks on a shelf which held small glass ceramic cows, she always had a weird thing about cows, don't ask. In between two small glass ceramic cows was the egg itself.
The Egg turned around and showed the ugliest demonic face with evil eyes and rotten teeth then said in a cackling demonic voice, "I will eat your soul and you will rot in egg hell for all eternity."
Ed jumped back startled and scared at the same time, "Holy moly, what the hell are you? You're no ordinary egg."
The Egg said with evil in it's voice, "Human scum, I am Lucifer's chosen demon spawn of a son whom he had sex with a chicken to give me life. And now it is my duty upon my father in Hell to upset the stomachs of whatever mortal who eats me."
Ed says, "And what if I don't eat you?"
The Egg says with mischief, "You will because last night while you were asleep I took a syringe full of strychnine and poisoned all your food including the other eggs in the carton. They ignored me last night, uppity bastards."
Ed cried out angrily, "What the hell, I got the Florida Gators on tv today? You didn't poison my steaks did you?"
The Egg laughed evilly, "Yes I did, but not before rubbing my egg anus on them."
The Egg even sent Ed a mental image of that in his mind which wasn't too pretty.
"You evil bastard," Ed cried with disgust, he started after the egg with the frying pan.
The Egg said, "Whoa, hold up. Don't try nothing or the cows get it."
Ed said as he kept going, "I'll blame it on the cat."
"Meow?" Fatso meowed.
The Egg said with fear, "Oops, my bad."
And the Egg saw complete darkness and a whole lot of pain. Soon enough the Egg was in Hell back in it's demonic form of an Egg sitting before his father Lucifer at the kitchen table as he drank his morning coffee which had a lot of souls in it.
The Egg said, "Yeah, I totally thought the cows would save me. I was wrong. So Dad what you been up too? Have you seen Mom at the chicken coop lately? I've been in that egg carton so long with those other losers I thought I'd go mad."
Lucifer replied, "Egg, I should make an omelet out of you with Hitler over there…"
"Nein!!!" Adolf Hitler shot up his hand.
"... but I'm a nice guy on a Monday morning, go figure." Lucifer said, "So I'll send you into the deepest part of Hell to train my minions when I open those mortal gates on Earth hopefully someday. You think you can train the other five billion eggs?"
The Egg smiled with pure evil, "Yes, father. Soon we will turn Earth and Heaven itself sunny side up."
Lucifer and the Egg laughed and cackled with such evil that it was heard all over Hell, even up above the world so high.
God in Heaven says to his son Jesus by his side as he looked down on Lucifer's evil plan, "Son, I have a plan on how to deal with this situation."
Jesus says, "And what is that, my father?"
God says, "We have plenty of time. I need you to go impregnate five billion chickens."
Noah nearby waved his hand, San Francisco style, "Ooh, can I go too?"
The End. 🍳
("Uh yeah, I was embarrassed and ashamed to write this one too. Oh well, going to go make me some eggs." 😉)
- Internet Archive HTML5 Uploader 1.6.4