sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. >> stephen: thank you so much. whew. whew. thanks, ladies and gentlemen. that feels good. ha-ha. yes. hey, man, what's up? thanks very much. all right. all right. have a good night. hey, welcome to the show, everybody. welcome to "the late show." good to see you. how is everybody feeling tonight all right? [ cheers and applause ] all righty. me, too. me, too. i feel good. being me. i'm stephen colbert and as we know, you guys have been watching the news, the first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. [ laughter ] hillary clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. she rehearses over and over again to perfect the pacing and substance of her presentation. of course, you know she's the perfect student. mr. moderator, but may i point out, you forgot to give us any homework today." meanwhile, donald trump is all about spectacle. one former aid said "trump wants to be a showstopper in the roman coliseum,

now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) how are you? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks down here. that's a fantastic. what a lovely crowd. you can tell a there's no-- you can't-- you cannot fake that. >> jon: right, yeah. >> stephen: you know that'sed from. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. your host this friday. folks, it's friday. ( applause ) ? it's friday it's friday oh ? it's friday ? >> stephen: i don't know what song you're dancing to but i before we get started tonight. tonight's monologue was created in a factory that also processes peanuts. it's important to say in case anyone has an allergy. especially now, because mylan, the company that produces these epipens right here-- anybody use one of these? they have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100 for a pair to over 600 bucks. yeah, that price is do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. now, mylan pharmaceuticals claims the price, "has changed over

. tonight, stephen welcomes tim kaine, mark strassmann, tony hale and car seat headrest. from new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody! whoo! what's going on? (cheers and applause) hey! (cheers and applause) #. >> stephen: hey, thank you so much! thank you so much! what's up? good to see you. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. can you feel the electricity in the air? can't you? (cheers and applause) we're making the turn into the general election right now and the first debates are just a few monday, september 26. trump vs. clinton. this time it's presidential. (laughter) and i'm proud to say the "late show" will be broadcasting live right after the debate. this fall. (cheers and applause) >> every night. >> stephen: every night. we'll be there. you will want to tune in-- anything can happen. because, during the debate, i'm going play this game where i drink the whole time. (laughter) ? anytime they talk. anytime they talk. (applause) now, this is interesting. you know how, when the candidates are preparing for the debate, they ge

and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. ( cheers ) ( cheers ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much, mark. what's going on? thanks so much. welcome to the show. please, sit down. thank you so much. how is everybody doing tonight? you feeling all right? ( cheers and applause ) you sound good. you sound better than donald trump. trump has been having a tough time with one key demographic-- voters. especially, it turns out, african american voters. in fact, among african americans, he is polling at 1%in community someplace between country music and the milwaukee police department. ( laughter ) somewhere right in there. ( applause ) >> jon: you said it. >> stephen: that's what i hear. that's what i hear. but this past week, trump has tried pivoting his campaign to appeal to minorities. >> our government has totally poverty, rejection, horrible education. no housing, no homes, no ownership. >>

theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks for being here. what's going on! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that's nice. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) wooo! wooo! ? ? ? these are people-- these are people-- absolutely. on this planet right now. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) that is a fresh audience. and we keep them fresh by keeping it this cold in here, you guys, crisp as celery. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. everybody feeling good? ( cheers and applause ) okay? the presidential candidates. tough job running for these united states. right now, donald trump is accusing hillary clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. so how do we know the truth? well, former new york mayor and guy who took away your times square porn, rudy giuliani has a simple suggestion. >> go online and put down "hillary clinton illness." take a look at the videos for yourself. ( laughter ) >> step

, michaela watkins, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, "the late show" in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ? >> stephen: hey! whoa! (cheers and applause) ? thank you! welcome to the late show. thank you so much (audience chanting stephen) nice to see you! (cheers and applause) ? >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome to "the late show," everybody. thank you so much. (applause) oh, what a lovely crowd. i got to tell you, i'm stephen colbert. i'm happy to tell you that. i want to tell you that. it's great to be back, and i just want to start out tonight by saying, u.s.a. number one! u.su.s.a.! u.s.a.! u.s.a.! my favorite mob, mindless. why are we chanting? because america just dominated the 2016 olympics! (cheers and applause) that's right, we killed it. the olympics are a time that the whole world comes together and competes in the spirit of brotherhood and goodwill, so let me be the first to say: suck it, world! suck it in record time! we got 121 medals! and i'm not surprised. i watched the games here in the states, can't remember the channel, and from w

! tonight, stephen welcomes zoe saldana! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the republican party! may contain traces of republican. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: here we go! ( cheers and applause ) nicely done! right on time! ( audience chanting stephen ) well, i'll take it. thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! please, have a seat! you can feel it in the air. it's absolutely electric out here. welcome to "the late show," live from the ed sullivan theater right here in new york city! ( cheers and applause ) i'm stephen colbert. we're live all week during trump's convention, because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great again. ( laughter ) it's that feeling, you will feel it in the air when it happens. have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this-- ? we are the champions my friend ? ? and we'll keep on fighting till the end ? ? we are t

) ( applause ) oh, and one more thing-- live from new york, it's saturday-- >> stephen: no! show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes keegan-michael key, kathryn hahn, and n.a.f., featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump, starring donald trump as the republican party! may contain traces of republican. captioning sponsored by cbs ? we are the champions my friend ? we'll keep on fighting till the end ? ? we are the champions ? we are the champions ? ? no time for losers ? ? of the world ? ( cheers and applause ) ( audiencent >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! thank you! please! welcome to "the late show," everybody, live from the ed sullivan theater! here in new york city. also live right now. i want to thank melania for stopping by to set the record straight. and broadway star laura benanti, for some reason. ( applause ) let's get straight to the big news tonight-- folks, the republican delegates officially elected their nominee. spoiler alert for anybody who doesn't want to know how the republican party ends-- it's trump. voted, and we learned the kinds of things that normally you can only get by

in new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the republican party. may contain traces of republican. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: pow! boom, pow! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) that's awful nice. feels good! wow! welcome to "the late show" coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater. i'm stephen colbert. thank you all for staying up into the weekend, at this point. "do a live show," they said. "it's important," they said. well, it's the final night of the republican convention, and, lo, it has come to pass. a day long foretold-- the trumpening. tonight was a historic moment uniting america's political system, entertainment complex and the self-tanner industry. ( laughter ) i think we'll all remember where we were when we got too drunk to remember where we were. the evening of course was kicked off by r.n.c. chairman reince priebus, who reminded viewers of

from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 democratic national convincing. death, taxes, hillary. captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." hey, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much! thank you, paul. thank you, mark. what's up, jon? what's up, joe? what's up, jon? what's up, joe? hey! hey, everybody! oh! you've got to love it. it's electric. wooo! you can feel it. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here. welcome to "the late show." and i mean late show tonight. i'm your host stephen colbert we are live on night three of the democratic national convention. ( cheers and applause ) last night, hillary clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party. ( cheers and applause ) it was-- yay, pretty exciting. you really felt it. it was an historic moment covered by all the papers. i've got them right here. let's see. journal," had "hillary clinton wins nomination. and the photo. wow, there she is. hillary really looking presidential there for some

. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much! hey! that's nice. that's beautiful. >> stephen: wow, thank you so much, everybody! wow. thank you, mark. thanks, everybody. please. thanks, everybody. welcome to the "late show." you all ready for the weekend? ( cheers and applause ) nothing like a friday. ? it's friday ? ? it's friday ? >> stephen: i don't know what song we're doing but i like it. i also like that suit, man. that is like the wallpaper at a tropical resort. >> jon: a dr. seuss book. >> stephen: you would be a great dr. seuss character. >> jon: i know, let's get it going. >> stephen: i have s ( laughter ) tonight-- don't tell him. don't tell him. he is too young. he is not ready. 3 tonight was the opening ceremony of the 2016 summer olympic games in rio. and i know that because right now, you're watching that instead of me. spoiler alert-- so am i. although, although, here's the thing. it may not have happened, because there have been so many olymp