and now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: thank you so much. whew. whew. thanks, ladies and gentlemen. that feels good. ha-ha. yes. thanks very much. all right. all right. have a good night. hey, welcome to the show, everybody. welcome to "the late show." good to see you. how is everybody feeling tonight all right? [ cheers and applause ] all righty. me, too. me, too. i feel good. i feel free, ife being me. i'm stephen colbert and as we know, you guys have been watching the news, the first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. [ laughter ] hillary clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research. she rehearses over and over again to perfect the pacing and substance of her presentation. of course, you know she's the "uh, i'll answer your question, mr. moderator, but may i point out, you forgot to give us any homework today." meanwhile, donald trump is all about spectacle. one former aid said "tr

now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, colbert! (cheers and applause) (band playing) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! thank you so much! welcome to "the late show," everybody! what's up, daddy-o? (cheers and applause) hey! live people. welcome to "the late show," everybody. welcome to "the late show." thanks so much. i'm your host, stephen colbert. i did get a haircut, thanks for noticing. y'all ready to get in a little e bit of trouble? (cheers and applause) don't know what that means, but i'm ready, too. august is a notoriously slow news month, and it can be hard for me to find stuff to talk about. fortunately, something popped up: anthony weiner. (laughter) i just want to extend my thanks to him for rising to the occasion with this truly rock solid story -- boner. (laughter) ran out. i ran out. i ran out. today, there are new reports of disgraced former mayoral candidate. and this, just a couple weeks after weiner was caught sending out sexy messages describing his own physique as deceptively strong... like a mongoos

and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks down here. that's a fantastic. what a lovely crowd. you can tell a friday crowd when you hear one. there's no-- you can't-- you cannot fake that. >> jon: right, yeah. >> stephen: you know that'sed from. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. your host this friday. ( applause ) ? it's friday it's friday oh ? it's friday ? >> stephen: i don't know what song you're dancing to but i like it. i have a quick word of warning before we get started tonight. tonight's monologue was created in a factory that also processes peanuts. it's important to say in case anyone has an allergy. especially now, because mylan, the company that produces these they have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100 for a pair to over 600 bucks. yeah, that price is enough to send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't a

from new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ? >> stephen: hey! thanks, everybody! whoo! what's going on? (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) #. >> stephen: hey, thank you so much! thank you so much! what's up? good to see you. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. can you feel the electricity in the air? can't you? (cheers and applause) we're making the turn into the general election right now and the first debates are just a few weeks monday, september 26. trump vs. clinton. this time it's presidential. (laughter) and i'm proud to say the "late show" will be broadcasting live right after the debate. this fall. (cheers and applause) >> every night. >> stephen: every night. we'll be there. you will want to tune in-- anything can happen. because, during the debate, i'm going play this game where i (laughter) ? anytime they talk. anytime they talk. (applause) now, this is interesting. you know how, when the candidates are preparing for the debate, they get a sparring partner? someone to play against so they could figure out what t

and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: good to see you. ( cheers ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much, mark. what's going on? thanks so much. welcome to the show. please, sit down. thank you so much. welcome to the "late show." how is everybody doing tonight? you feeling all right? ( cheers and applause ) you sound good. you sound better than donald trump. trump has been having a tough time with one key demographic-- voters. especially, it turns out, african american voters. in fact, among african community someplace between country music and the milwaukee police department. ( laughter ) somewhere right in there. ( applause ) >> jon: you said it. >> stephen: that's what i hear. that's what i hear. but this past week, trump has tried pivoting his campaign to appeal to minorities. >> our government has totally failed our african american friends, our hispanic friends. poverty,

and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ? ? ? >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks for being here. what's going on! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that's nice. thank you! ( cheers and applause ) wooo! wooo! ? ? ? on this planet right now. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) that is a fresh audience. and we keep them fresh by keeping it this cold in here, you guys, crisp as celery. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. everybody feeling good? ( cheers and applause ) okay? the presidential candidates. tough job running for these united states. right now, donald trump is accusing hillary clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. so how do we know the truth? well, former new york mayor and guy who took away your times square porn, rudy giuliani has a >> go online and put down "hillary clinton illness." take a look at the videos for yourself. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, g

new york city plays the backdrop for the show. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well, congratulations. congratulationons the show. all success in the future. lovely to meet you. >> lovely to meet you back, man. nights on starz. omari hardwick, everybody! we'll be right back. (band playing) (cheers and applause) with hotels.com's simple rewards program for every 10 nights i stay i get one free, which i can use all over the world. like here. and here. and here. thanks, captain obvious. and with this green screen i can make it seem like i'm all over the world. even though i'm right here. here you are. hotels.com. so simple it's the obvious choice. woo! america thought our pancakes were pretty special. but we knew we could do better. so we did. we made denny's new pancakes 50% fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla. if you disagree, the cakes are free. that's the denny's love'em or they're free guarantee. [ school bell ringing] we were learning about how talented the ancient greeks were, or an athlete! i could have even b

welcome to "the late show," live from the ed sullivan theater right here in new york city! ( cheers and applause ) i'm stephen colbert. we're live all week during trump's convention, because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great again. ( laughter ) it's that feeling, you will feel as a matter of fact, it might have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this-- ? we are the champions my friend ? ? and we'll keep on fighting till the end ? ? we are the champions ? we are the champions ? ? no time for losers because we are the champions ? of the world ? ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, we are the champions of the world, and we are going to restore conservative american values, by entering to the music of a bisexual englishman! ( cheers and applause ) this is crazy. this is crazy. you may not know this but you're not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. that's like thid being seen on her wedding day, but jumping out of the cake at

here in new york city. ( rs i'm your host, stephen colbert. also live right now. i want to thank melania for stopping by to set the record straight. and broadway star laura benanti, for some reason. ( applause ) let's get straight to the big news tonight-- folks, the republican delegates officially elected their nominee. spoiler alert for anybody who doesn't want to know how the republican party ends-- it's now, as is tradition, each state voted, and we learned the kinds of things that normally you can only get by opening 50 bottles of snapple. >> american samoa, the greatest exporter of n.f.l. players. >> arkansas, birthplace of johnny cash and al green. >> kentucky, the home of churchill downs and american pharaoh, the source of bluegrass music. home to the oldest state capital in continuous use. >> missouri, the birthplace of talk radio. >> nebraska, the number one beef producing state in the union. >> the great state of connecticut-- i come from the land where we manufacture pez. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i don't know, that's what he claims, but i'

and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the republican party. may contain traces of republican. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ? ? ? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: pow! boom, pow! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) that's awful nice. wow! welcome to "the late show" coming to you live from the ed sullivan theater. i'm stephen colbert. thank you all for staying up into the weekend, at this point. "do a live show," they said. "it's important," they said. well, it's the final night of the republican convention, and, lo, it has come to pass. a day long foretold-- the trumpening. ( laughter ) tonight was a historic moment uniting america's political system, entertainment complex and the self-tanner industry. ( laughter ) i think we'll all remember where we were when we got too drunk to remember where we were. the evening of course was kicked off by r.n.c. chairman

and now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's time for the 2016 democratic national convincing. death, taxes, hillary. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "the late show." hey, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks so much! thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you, paul. thank you, mark. what's up, jon? what's up, joe? what's up, jon? what's up, joe? hey! hey, everybody! oh! you've got to love it. it's electric. wooo! you can feel it. ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert we are live on night three of the democratic national convention. ( cheers and applause ) last night, hillary clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party. ( cheers and applause ) it was-- yay, pretty exciting. you really felt it. it was an historic moment covered by all the papers. i've got them right here. let's see. first up, "the "wall stree journal," had "hillary clinton wins nomination. and the photo. wow, there she is. hillary really looking pres

and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: thank you so much! hey! that's nice. that's beautiful. >> stephen: wow, thank you so much, everybody! wow. thank you, mark. thanks, everybody. please. thanks, everybody. welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. you all ready for the weekend? ( cheers and applause ) nothing like a friday. ? it's friday ? ? it's friday ? >> stephen: i don't know what song we're doing but i like it. i also like that suit, man. that is like the wallpaper at a tropical resort. >> jon: a dr. seuss book. >> stephen: you would be a great dr. seuss character. >> jon: i know, let's get it terrible news. ( laughter ) tonight-- don't tell him. don't tell him. he is too young. he is not ready. 3 tonight was the opening ceremony of the 2016 summer olympic games in rio. and i know that because right now, you're watching that instead of me. spoiler alert-- so am i. although, although, here's the thing. it may not have happened, because there have been so many problems at this olympics -- unlivable