access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org. >> stephen: tone results of super tuesday as well as a preview of meh saturday. and should we go to war with iran? i'll look at the pros and the positives. then my guest, actor willem defoe has a new movie about war on mars. i didn't know mars had oil. [laughter] happy 100th birthday, oreos. in your honor i'm eating 100 oreos today. same as every day. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> stephen: welcome to "the report," everybody. good to see ya. [cheering and applause] thank you so much. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [audience chanting "stephen"] i can't stop that. i can't stop that. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. i cannot stop your love any more than i can stop the incoming tide. nation, as you know, i have been committed from day one bringing you up-to-the-minute news on the large collideer. i have done countless story on this. [laughter] well, now, folks, dramatic development

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, how are you doing? well company to the report! whooo! whooo! (cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us in here, out there. nation, the race for the gop presidential nomination is in the home stretch. and no matter how much it pains me to say it, mitt romney has got the momentum. or mi particular,-- mittmentum. last night he won the wyoming caucus, wyoming, cradle of cheney. why do you think it's so sparsely populated. they must kill to stay alive. (laughter) circle of life. now with supertuesday coming up next week, i'm not sure which day, we'll check that out, there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find mitt romney attractive. (laughter) jimmy, put up the counterdown to loving mitt clo

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org burning building. and why it took firefighters so long to gain control. . >>> how people tried to save their stuff from a burning building and why it took firefighters so long to gain control. >>> a set of occupy demonstrators with very specific demands. what they say was worth the walk from oakland to sacramento. >>> and political heavy weight on his way to the bay area. what israel's president is expected to discuss and what president obama says about possibly attacking iran. >>> cbs 5 eyewitness news is up next. ,,

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much this is it, nation-- it's super tuesday! it's like the super bowl of politics, if the super bowl was one team slowly destroying itself. [ laughter ] and just like the superbowl, i have painted my face with my team colors: white. [ laughter ] and i'm having a little tailgate party. i'm cookin' up some brats here on the ol' smokey joe. [ laughter ] new mexico, -- mmmmm unfortunately, this isn't a real grill. "big government fire marshall" wants us to avoid "carbon monoxide poisoning." [ laughter ] joke's on him when you all get trichynosis from these uncooked brats. [ laughter ] and i'm gonna make my famous ten-layer dip, with one layer for each state with a primary today. we've got potatoes for idaho, ham for virginia, some vermont cheddar, for alaska, some venison, and for ohio, a layer of rust.

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org oh, my god, dude! there is definitely a helicopter pad on the roof of this building! - no, there isn't, charlie. - yes, there is! every single one of these corporate buildings has a helipad on the roof. - why? - charlie is right. there's always some big boss man fat cat that needs to be able to escape by helicopter. what is he escaping from? you know what? secret tunnels, then. - secret tunnels, bro? - secret tunnels. it's a monorail system and the helipad... guys, guys, guys. can we stop arguing please?

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

thisis state-of-the-art facility here incaptioning spony comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] these people are not following around. thank you soç much. you people have the spirit! [cheers and applause] nation, for anybody who lives and works in new york, you know that wall street is the finance capital of the world. and when you work on the street, there's a sacred trust. you never go public with complaints about your bosses. [ laughter ] and in exchange one day they'll explain to you what it is you do for a living. [ laughter ] i'm disgusted to learn about this op-ed in today's "new york times" but greg smith entitled why i am leaving goldman sachs in which he revealed to become a leader you must per squad your clients in the stocks you are trying to get rid of because they are not seen as having a lot of potential profit and no

(cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org charlie: so he's in the law house, right, and... dennis: oh, please stop talking. dude, dude, just let me finish my story. describing an episode of "law & order" in full detail is not a story. no, it's so good, all right, okay. first of all, i think i could be a really good lawyer. i'm, like, better than sam waterston, i'll tell you that much. oh, you want to be a lawyer? don't you think you should know how to read or write? objection, hearsay. that's lawyer talk. that's the kind of stuff you have to do. that serial killer killed another woman last night. yeah, it says here he's targeting young, attractive blondes.

this is state-of-the-art facility here incaptioning spony comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") captioning sponsored by comedy central chaudz. >> stephen: oh, you can feel it! you can feel it, you absolutely cant. folks, there's an excitement in the air. tomorrow is super tuesday when ten states hold their presidential primaries and the "report" will be your complete source for wall-to-wall super tuesday coverage that i taped before the polls close, edit down to a half hour and air at 11:30. (laughter) but we will have the most up-to-the-minute guesstimates and... (laughter) ... informative make 'em ups. (laughter) of course, i'll be joined by the whole "the colbert report" election team. me... (laughter) not to be outdone by cnn, i will be surrounded by eight laptops. (laughter) folks i don't know about you but i also don't know about me. because it looks like it's going to be mitt romney's night. he has strong leads in massachusetts, ve

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> assad apparently sent his wife god gave me you as a gift. >> he's got a soft side, at 99 cents a pop. >> he personifies evil, but captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. ( cheering ) thank you. folks, i've got to tell you, it was-- with an opening like that, you make me feel like it's my first night. ( laughter ) nation, i have always said president obama was an al qaeda coddler. and now his administration is proving it again. >> elderly travelers could soon get a break at airport security. starting monday, the t.s.a. will test new procedures for passengers 75 and older. they can leave their shoes on for one thing, same with their light outerwear. >> stephen: what! are they crazy! have you seen their shoes? ( laughter ) those things could be made entirely of plasti

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

. >> very exciting t captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight, a new pill can cure prejudice. really, you can trust me. i'm white. [ laughter ] then, the latest innovation in food delivery. spoiler alert: it's digiorno. [ laughter ] and my guest charles murray has written a new book about the state of white america. i believe that state is utah. [ laughter ] the u.s. soccer team failed to make the olympics. now if only soccer would fail to make the olympics. this is "the colbert report!" [ captioning sponsored by comedy central "the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, everybody. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] the way you chant, the way you chant, i would love to see you march in knee-high boots. thank you for joining, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us for what might be the end of the republic. [ laughter ] i have warned you for years that president obama w

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group a ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] these people are not following around. thank you soç much. you people have the spirit! [cheers and applause] nation, for anybody who lives and works in new york, you know that wall street is the finance capital of the world. and when you work on the street, there's a sacred trust. you never go public with complaints about your bosses. [ laughter ] and in exchange one day they'll explain to you what it is you do for a living. [ laughter ] i'm disgusted to learn about this o

. >> jon: thank you, john, john olver, ev captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. >> assad apparently sent his wife god gave me you as a gift. >> he's got a soft side, at 99 cents a pop. >> he personifies evil, but

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh accs.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight tr +*rbgs's a new way to help out the poor-- but don't worry, there's still dozens of ways not to. (laughter) then, the contraception debate heats up. note: heating it up is not an effective form of contraception. (laughter) and my guest is actor william shatner. good, because the studio has a massive triple infestation. (laughter) north korea agrees to suspend its nuclear program. kim jong-il must be rolling over in his shoe box! this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the "report"! (crowd chanting "stephen") that's good stuff. (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i can tell even from this distance that that stuff is pure and uncut. (laughter) good to have you with us, folks, nation two big g.o.p. primaries last night. michigan, the wolverine state and arizona the "hey, brown guy, pull over" state. it was

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org area police chief, to set the record strai . >>> he demanded changes, saying the news story wasn't right. the unusual length a bay area police chief went to set the record straight. >>> highly regarded by some, simply hated by others. the rare bay area visit by an extremist leader. >>> too many things to do, too little time. why someone wants to make your dirty work her business. cbs eyewitness news is next. ,,

>> a couple of nights agohey had the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, florida's gun laws come under scrutiny, great, now how will i cut in line at space mountain. then the romney campaign hits a speed bump, somebody make share that dog is still on the roof. and my guest dr. david page has new insights on the future of dna. yeah, yeah, yeah, dna. do we get flying cars or not. a canadian court has legalized brothels. but by the time all those layers of wall come off, the hour's up. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) , everybody. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you're very kind. welcome to the report. good to you have with us. folks, i have to tell you, a day without you chanting is like a day without sunshine. last week i took a little break from the winter deep freeze down in

access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause]

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org annenberg dia ♪ for information about this and other annenberg media programs call 1-800-learner and visit us at www.learner.org.

captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org the white house reacts to the deaths. . >>> weeks after soldiers burned qurans, another is accused of targeting civilians. the white house reacts to the deaths. >>> pride is high in the east bay. the gales are going dancing. march madness is officially here! >>> and one year ago today, thousands lost their lives when a deadly earthquake and tsunami in japan. >>> cbs 5 eyewitness news is next. ,,

captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org i get the power of claritin-d. sinus pressure? nothing works stronger or faster than claritin-d. get non-drowsy claritin-d at the pharmacy counter. live claritin clear. i power through with the power of claritin-d. when my sinus pressure is at its worst, i've got the best decongestant... claritin-d. when it all hits, nasal congestion and sinus pressure, all i need is non-drowsy claritin-d. nothing relieves allergy congestion faster. get claritin-d at the pharmacy counter. live claritin clear. >>> hello. i'm bruce johnson. thanks for joining us. she was riddled with bullets allegedly fired by her ex- boyfriend, and tonight police still looking for the man who tried to kill the mother of his three children. it happened more than a month ago. ken molestina spoke with the victim's sister who is still trying to make sense of all this. >> reporter: the victim's sister says yolando stonehead showed up here in northeast d.c. to pick up her 1-year-old son, and that's when things took a turn for the worst. >> just shot twice

captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: will high gas prices hurt president obama? i assume so, have you seen that motorcade? [ laughter ] then, do the girl scouts of america have a secret agenda? are they just fattening me up to eat me? and my guest ross eisenbrey is the vice president of a labor issues think tank. the economy is so bad, he had to get a night-thinking job. [ laughter ] mcdonalds is launching the mcbaguette in france. wait till those people try french fries. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. nation, i don't like to toot my own horn. i'm not that flexible. [ laughter ] but tonight is our 1,000th show! [cheers and applause] woooo!!!!çÑi boom! 1,000, book! [cheers and applause] 1,000, boom! [cheers and applause] suck it, simpsons! oooh

. >> stephen: that's it for "the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ms. lemon, here's the research you wanted for that white house skit. oh, okay, thanks. you know it, lady broseph!