(cheers and applause) stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us in here, out there. nation, the race for the gop presidential nomination is in the home stretch. and no matter how much it pains me to say it, mitt romney has got the momentum. or mi particular,-- mittmentum. last night he won the wyoming caucus, wyoming, cradle of cheney. why do you think it's so sparsely populated. they must kill to stay alive. (laughter) circle of life. now with supertuesday coming up next week, i'm not sure which day, we'll check that out, there is not much time left until all conservatives are obliged to bury our feelings and find mitt romney attractive. (laughter) jimmy, put up the counterdown to loving mitt clock. oh god. oh god, only five days, 23 hours, 57 minutes. okay, don't panic. there's still plenty of time to find an alternative, anybody. >> new reports now that jeb bush is still considered as a possible last ditch candidate. >

we've got too much show to do. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you. good to have you with us. nations, as you know, every so often my shows have special sponsors and tonight i am proud to say that this report is brought to you by kegols crunchy nut, the unofficial cereal of celebration because tonight we have something big to celebrate-- obamacare is dead. it was killed by nine people in black robes. i told you there would be death panels. ( laughter ) you lose, mr. president. take obamacare and stick it where the sun don't shine. then have it removed by eye doctor you have to pay yourself because he's not in network. and, folks, i am not the only one who knows this. >> i believe the supreme court will strike downtown obamacare individual mandate by a 5 of 4 vote. >> it's going to be 5 of 4. if i am wrong i will come on and play your clip and apologize for being an idiot. >> stephen: no need, papa bear. ( laughter ). of course, the linchpin of the this legislative obama-nation, is the health care ma

. >> stephen: why do you... >> why do you use the past tense? >> stephen: what? (laughter) because... because... >> yes? yes? >> stephen: now you're more beautiful. >> thank you very much. >.>> stephen: now you're beautiful on the inside. >> the inside is beautiful, but outside like a flower that's slowly dying and has its own beauty, that's what i am. >> stephen: like an orchid is beautiful in its youth but later gives us the shriveled vanilla bean which we can then turn into a delicious treat. (laughter) >> or thing a red scent of death that you know will renew itself in due time. >> stephen: exactly. we all be compost eventually. (laughter) now why do you do so much? don't you know at a certain point you can just phone it in? i've done a thousand shows. i'm phoning in tonight, i guarantee you. >> i know. and i'm on the other end of the line. this is terrible. >> stephen: hello? can you hear me now. >> no, i can't. >> stephen: but why do you do so much? because it's there to be done. it's why did mallory climb the mountain? >> stephen: unsuccessfully. he died.

wonderful to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: we'll be right [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, anybody who watches this show knows i'm no fan of monkeys. ever since that can a piewchin tricked me into investing in his banana ponzi scheme. i go ape when there's monkey danger. this is monkey on the lam. tonight, a warning to the residentrç of alabama. first you live in alabama. [ laughter ] but a second warning, we go to kgtv san diego, alabama's monkey news leader. >> at this hour the sheriff's department in west central alabama county has sent out an extra patrol after reports of one gorilla spotted near a small town. the nearest zoo is in birmingham more than 100 miles away. the zoo's one gorilla is still in the borders. >> stephen: there's a mystery gorilla loose in alabama. authorities are looking for one gorilla but according to local news it's unknown how many are loose or in what direction they are headed. there could be any number of gorillas from 1 to 10,000 blood thirsty apes rooming alabama. what worries me is that

>> stephen: thank you for being here. everyone said alabama and mississippi were must wins for newt gingrich. do you think he can take louisiana? >> you know, actually, stephen, i'm just a frog. you know croak, ribity that sort of thing. i don't know much about politics. >> stephen: we're talking about primaries. >> according to the schedule i'm here to tell berch my new movie the muppets coming out on dvd on march 20. >> >> stephen: that's the day of illinois primary. do you think romney's suburban moderates can hold off the downstate conservatives? >> i reallyç don't talk politi. we're not partisan except when it comes to pigs. >> stephen: don't act like you don't know these candidates. i worked with mitt romney for years. [ laughter ] okay. >> okay, okay. he is a very nice guy, too but i don't take sides. when it comes to politics i think everyone, democrats, republicans, independents all of them will really enjoy our new movie on dvd and blu-ray march 20. >> stephen: really? listen buddy you

. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen: thank you ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you're very kind. welcome to the report. good to you have with us. folks, i have to tell you, a day without you chanting is like a day without sunshine. last week i took a little break from the winter deep freeze down in the islands. i was sipping daiquiries on the beach, enjoying 84 degrees while you suckers were stuck here shivering your balls off in 82 degrees. (laughter) now spring has sprung a little early this year. and so i'm going to say what everyone is thinking. punxsutawney phil is a liar! really! six more weeks of winter? oh really? you'll have to speak up, phil, i can't hear you over the cherry blossoms. (laughter) i put all my investments into parkas, swiss miss and road salt. i am ruined! folks, i believe we have all been punksed anyway, now that spring is here, folksing, i am going to put whatever little money i have left into nest twigs and flower nectar. i'm to

stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. ( cheering ) thank you. folks, i've got to tell you, it was-- with an opening like that, you make me feel like it's my first night. ( laughter ) nation, i have always said president obama was an al qaeda coddler. and now his administration is proving it again. >> elderly travelers could soon get a break at airport security. starting monday, the t.s.a. will test new procedures for passengers 75 and older. they can leave their shoes on for one thing, same with their light outerwear. >> stephen: what! are they crazy! have you seen their shoes? ( laughter ) those things could be made entirely of plastic explosives. wake up, t.s.a.! old people are powder kegs. gold bond powd ebut still. they're disgruntled, they have nothing to lose, and they hold extremist views on many groups. i can't even repeat what my aunt rita said at thanksgiving about the spaniards. let's just say we won't be serving sangria again. folks, i have also alzheimer's be

how wonderful. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steve be en, stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much, everybody. thank you so much. i am not surprised. i have to tell you, folks, i am not surprised by the people in this room. excited. >> thank you so much. folks, i hope, i certainly hope like me you've got lotto fever. i've actually got lotto rash. but to say i'm doing a lot of scratchoffs. and tomorrow, folks s the drawing for the megamillions lottery. $540 million. now to put that into-- to put that into perspective, if you laid 540 million dollar bills end-to-end you would regret it because people would definitely just come and take it. (laughter) and folks, i have got to tell you, i got the winner. right here. went with my old standby, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, okay. same as my bank pin. you know what jimmy, let's edit that out. okay, thanks. now i'm sure i am going to win because i picked these numbers with the help of the investigative journalist over at abc news. on tuesday gma blew the lid off the science behind winning the

(audience chanting "stephen") captioning sponsored by comedy central chaudz. >> stephen: oh, you can feel it! you can feel it, you absolutely cant. folks, there's an excitement in the air. tomorrow is super tuesday when ten states hold their presidential primaries and the "report" will be your complete source for wall-to-wall super tuesday coverage that i taped before the polls close, edit down to a half hour and air at 11:30. (laughter) but we will have the most up-to-the-minute guesstimates and... (laughter) ... informative make 'em ups. (laughter) of course, i'll be joined by the whole "the colbert report" election team. me... (laughter) not to be outdone by cnn, i will be surrounded by eight laptops. (laughter) folks i don't know about you but i also don't know about me. because it looks like it's going to be mitt romney's night. he has strong leads in massachusetts, vermont, virginia and idaho. no surprise, it's the potato state and mitt is nothing if not pale and starchy. (laughter) and, folks, it's not looking good for mitt in georgia, tennessee, and ohio and there are also th

. >> stephen: all right. you play a nine-foot-tall alien with four arms. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're a method actor, right? [laughter] how do you prepare far nine-foot-four armed alien? do you a ride along with what? >> it's called motion capture. you get a little help from animators. >> like ping pong balls on your body. >> partly that. also we actually filmed all the scenes because... >> stephen: on mars? >> yeah, utah, mars. >> stephen: hard to tell the difference. [laughter] >> amazingly similar. >> stephen: okay. so did you actually do it in a field with the stuff on your body or were you in a big groan room? >> always on location. the other interesting thing to me anyway was stilts. i had to wear stills to give me the right height. >> stephen: so you were actually wearing... >> which is great. >> stephen: you're ready to play uncle sam in a parade now. think about iment think about it. >> okay. okay. >> stephen: we have a clip of the movie. jim, can we? show the magic. >> you've got me. i surren

it does not guarantee judicial process. >> stephen: exactly. due process does not mean judicial process. the founders weren't picky. i mean trial by jury, trial by fire, rock, paper, scissors -- who cares? due process just means there's a process that you do. [ laughter ] folks, from what i understand, the current process is apparently: first, the president meets with his advisers and decides who he can kill. then, he kills them. [ laughter ] the president has had these powers ever since congress passed the "authorization for the use of force" bill, after long and careful consideration three days after 9/11. [ laughter ] jim? >> in response to the attacks perpetrated -- and the continuing threat posed -- - by al qaeda, the taliban, and associated forces, congress has authorized the president to use all necessary and appropriate force against those groups. because the united states is in an armed conflict, we are authorized to take action against enemy belligerents under international law. >> stephen: yes. it's perfectly legal to blow up al awal

(audience reacts) >> stephen: is it bah-sexy? now his comment has gone viral and he has been suspended but i'm sorry, dan car, he's a friend and he's got a point here. if you want to be thought of as sexy, don't pose for the "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue or f.h.m. or take your clothes off in that go daddy got com commercial or shower with a woman in that other godaddy.com commercial. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say she may have go-daddy issues. (laughter) young lady, if you want to be taken seriously as competitor, you stick to your sport the way male athletes do, like tom brady. alex rodriguez. and david beckham. here he is just playing soccer. (laughter) i think that stock room is certainly seeing some balls. (laughter and applause) and beckham appears to be spending it. (laughter) next finally comes the most damning n.f.l. scandal in years not involving the word "sex boat." jim? >> there ares is a brewing scandal involveing the n.f.l.'s new orleans saints. saints players maintained a bounty over the last few s

welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> that's too much. (cheers and applause) thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, i don't have to tell you, like all americans, i'm concerned about the rising price of gas. last weekend i had to cancel my annual lawn fire where i write out my springtime resolutions in gasoline on my lawn. too bad this area's resolution was going to be to conserve more gas. (laughter) well, whenever i need advice on the oil market i turn to fox news, home of conservative rising star and fox news contributor eric bolling. he's the lead fox news 5:00 news called five, which is like the view for people who believe the view's panelists are too well informed. now the last few day, folk, bolling has been pushing a solution to the gas crisis all over fox news. but he won't tell us what it is. >> as a guy who traded oil & gas for years, i've got some ideas for the president. >> there's one, there is a secret that i've only offered to the obama administration. which would be. >> can't tell you. >> i put it in an envelope and i

>> he was right on. >> stephen: i think that frog is wasted in movies. >> he has a future. >> stephen: do you think there's any chance gingrich drops out. >> i think he goes to the convention and cuts a deal. >> stephen: really? if you were gingrich what would you want? don't say proexroa miez. >> a position in a santorum cabinet perhaps, vice presidency. >> stephen: it's the santorum presidency. be still my heart. >> his snls -- think about it. romney doesn't have the tell gates he needs. it will go to a second ballot. he doesn't get enough from ron paul so he has to get them from gingrich or santorum. neither would give them to romney. one of the two of those is more likely given that scenario could be president. >> stephen: do you think we might have a santorum running for president of the united states for the republican party? >> it's a strong possibility, sure. >> stephen: that is fun. [ laughter ] thank you so much! cofounder of no labels, mark [cheers and applause] >> stephen: t dee: well, what's wrong with sleeves? mac: nothing's wrong with sleeves. i cut them off sometimes b

. >> stephen: the song you're going to play tonight, it is called "eye on eye." >> all right. >> stephen: and it features... thank you. please do not applaud my questions before they're done. it features whistling, glocken spiel and it was inspired by talking about the tumor that's a fatty mass of hair. >> it's like a tumor that replicates parts of cells in the body like teeth or hair. >> stephen: that's pretty obvious pop song territory. why don't you take more risks? >> i go for universal subjects like that. >> stephen: we've all been there. we've all had a fatty mass of threet and hair. >> that part isn't in the song because that's disgusting. >> stephen: speaking of fatty mass of teeth and hair, you worked at renaissance festivals. >> yes. >> stephen: kid you also play funerals? >> a few. >> stephen: which is sadder? [laughter] >> you know, of course the funeral is sadder, but the renaissance fair tests your sense of dignity, though. [laughter] >> stephen: i'm going to ask you a very personal question that one of my writers provided. it goes like this: your music is emotionally evoca

that is stephen hawking. that is the nature of his adventure, find the answer that satisfies him but he said he is often an interaction, sometimes undermining what he said previously. what will be stephen hawking's legacy? any of you young enough to be alive 30 or 50 years from now? yes, yes. i know what he would like. he would like to be remembered for his science. if everybody could forget about the fact that -- that would be fine with him. i think of the author john milton, the poet john milton in paradise lost and he wrote that when he was completely blind. that is not what you think of with john milton and i looked it up in wikipedia and there is no mention of his blindness until way down, many paragraphs and it's just mentioned in passing. and i thought, wouldn't stephen love that, to have himself remembered for his science and nobody even think of the fact that he was disabled. but what of his science? we don't know what will be remembered. will be no bill proposal become part of the mainstream of the

i know what you are referring to but stephen. >> stephen: you had 17 researchers contributors to the racist journal and 13 scholars who are grant recipients from the pioneer fund which was established and run but nazi sympathizers. >> in a 980 page book with 1500 citations and the authors you are talking about include some of the most eminent and respected psycho÷ú matricians. >> stephen: psycho -- >> matricians. i can't tell how hard it is after 17 years to see this nonsense brought up again. >> stephen: i think it's refreshing following this book you are writing a book that contains no black people in it whatsoever. it's extremely refreshing. >> let's face it. it made life a whole lot easier to do it that way. >> stephen: i find just hanging out with white people a lot easier, too. those lower class white people, are they giving white people a bad same in because the white people who are prosperous, who have the values of white people, like marriage, the product and work ethic, those people with those val yiews, can't we just call the lower class white people not white anymore be