comcast business. built for business. of bad breath germs% for a 100% fresh mouth. with breath so fresh, it's no wonder listerine® users feel ready enough to be in a magician's act. kill 99% of bad breath germs. feel 100% in life. bring out the bold™ kennedy: when a giant asteroid is on its way to hit the earth. come with me and we'll shoot nuclear missiles at it. topic number one. sometimes you want to be surprised by your birthday present, and sometimes the suspense is killing you and you have to find out what you are getting. one little girl came with a brilliant scheme to determine what her parents plan to get her for her birthday. she wrote this note and left it for her mom. she wrote, dear wife, what did you get lily for a surprise again. i forgot. please reply here. love don. although it could potentially backfire. what if they are mom filled out and returned it saying, dear husband, nothing. she is adopted. love the wife. or this, we got her that pony, you forgot to fight and it died. so now we are getting her 40 glue sticks. love the wife. she can glue s

comcast business. it's reliable. just like kung pao fish. thank you, ping. reliably fast internet starts at $59.95 a month. comcast business. built for business. >> there are dating as for nearly everyone and nearly everyone at the table would date you. now there is a company called maple match for americans horrified at the thought of a trump white house with canadians. will laura dunham find true love? gavin, i'll tart with you. you are canadian. >> i am. dekennedy: do canadians want americans fleeing over their bored take the good jobs and siphoning the spirit. >> in have the ladies are hippies and junkies. in toronto they are terrible in bed. montreal women are the best, those on welfare. the women on the east coast are on welfare. the area is called none of it. >> do the men look like you? >> they are all like me. very monogamous and good in bad. try to get a canadian ex-pat, we are the best quality. >> i there a barbados dating service? >> they should create a late-term tourism to canada because

comcast business. built for business. kennedy: it's cinco de mayo. that means you should be swigging down tequila. yesterday was one my fast it days of the year baits was may 4 as in may the fourth be with you, "star wars" day. yesterday's festivity were ruined for me because last night i had a nightmare the obamas were dancing to a bruno mars song with a "star wars" storm trooper. but that could never happen, right? i can't unsee it. i would like to take that foot and and put it in the galaxy far, far away. topic number two. the hottest treat drug in town is anesthesia grade. watch as this ginger teen lists all the great thing he bought on his man nary trip to dubai. including a camel and billions of strippers. >> i bought a camel. we went to the wicky west, man. >> did you buy anything else in dubai? >> i bought bills of strippers, man. kennedy: his 21st birthday party will be so much fun. he managed to record a music video where he's clearly still under the influence. [♪] uncanny resemblance. i just love it. topic number 3. you didn't get an inv

comcast business. built for business. kennedy: investigators reportedly brought up a topic hillary clinton's aide cheryl mills was told would be off limit and mills and her lawyer fled the room before ultimately returning to continue the interrogation. what's with all the drama? what a crazy thing this is. it seems we are closing in on the end of the investigation. is cheryl mills the second biggest fish next to hillary clinton? judge * the purpose of this interrogation of cheryl mills and four other of mrs. clinton's closest aides when she was secretary of state,, it's to find if they should be charged with a crime, will be witnesses in favor or against her. mrs. mills hired a sophisticated lawyer, they all hired the same lawyer. that lawyer negotiated an agreement with the justice department. this is a voluntary interview. so the justice department may say okay we'll agree not to ask certain questions. here is the nonsense the justice department accepted. mills is a lawyer. she and her lawyer argued to the justice depar

comcast business. built for business. of bad breath germs% for a 100% fresh mouth. with breath so fresh, it's no wonder listerine® users feel ready enough to be in a magician's act. kill 99% of bad breath germs. feel 100% in life. bring out the bold™ keep * let's put this baby to bed with a beautiful swaddle. a couple of canadians posted a video ripping the state of things in the united states. they claim they are building their own wall. so charlie leduff headed to the u.s.-canada border to sort of hash thing out. >> if you think the mexican border is the wild wild west, then the canadian bored can best be described as, well, canadian. what's your problem? you going to build a wall? >> the youth spend billions trying to guard the border. our strategy is to be uninteresting. we don't have to guard the border. we just have to be boring and nobody tries to come across. >> this i the border, but it's not working. we have 800,000 of you people living over here and 80,000 working here illegally. so before you build the wall, take them back, and start with ted cruz and

you do with comcast business. it's reliable. just like kung pao fish. thank you, ping. reliably fast internet starts at $59.95 a month. comcast business. built for business. shoah, ha ha.ew artist. show me top male artist. my whole belieber fan group. it's not a competition, but if it was i won. xfinity x1 lets you access the greatest library of billboard music awards moments, simply by using your voice. the billboard music awards, live sunday may 22nd, 8/5 pacific, only on abc. kennedy: john stossel recently under went surgery after a lung cancer diagnosis. he is back and he's healthy. his comeback show is tomorrow and he tackles our healthcare system and why it should be more customer focused. here is a peek. [♪] >> burger king ran that campaign because mcdonald's had long dominated the fast food market and made it tough for customers to customize their burger. so burger king said, we can serve it any way you think you wanted, have it your way. kennedy: john stossel, host of "stossel." you look amazing. i thought they would wheel you in an iron lung and you would be

comcast business. it's reliable. just like kung pao fish. thank you, ping. reliably fast internet starts at $59.95 a month. comcast business. built for business. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] tora bora fallujah argonne khe sanh midway dak to normandy medina ridge the chosin reservoir these are places history will never forget but more important are the faces we will always remember. ♪ ♪ kennedy: when your picnic is threatened by dinosaurs, send them to me. this is the "topical storm" of course, and here are a few of our recent favorites. topic number one. a young man from oregon named kevin perry has the internet scratching its collective head about the ball and mirror trick he uploaded. get ready to have your mind blown. particularly if you are high. how is he doing that? i head several theories. i heard several theories. but i know the truth. he's a witch. and only a witch can throw a ball through a mirror. you think this is another example of me trying to rally an angry mob to kill old peasant wome

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introducing comcast business enterprise solutions. with a different kind of network that delivers the bandwidth you need without the high cost. because you can't build the business of tomorrow on the network of yesterday. kennedy: boy are you in the right place when aliens have abducted your boyfriend and probably your hamster. this is the "topical storm." topic number one. trick shot artist dude perfect. an impressive stunt dropping a basketball off the 36th floor skyscraper. and you already know. kennedy: that can't be possible. the news corp building where we shoot this promise 45 stories tall, and i think we can top them. earlier today i sent my producer party to the roof with explicit mathematical instructions to nail the hoop tom shillue installed in the parking garage. that was my car. [bleep]. mary and joseph holy [bleep]. [bleep]. tell marty to come down right now. now he's dropping eggs? those are eggs from my ovaries. those are my future babies. no, no, marty, marty, don't jump. we love you marty, just take the [bleep] elev