hi, i'm robert pattinson. sometimes, when i get bother, i climb up into my tree and i think about different things that bother me. movies bother me. sequels bother me. "new moon" bothers me! okay, sorry to say. okay? check yourself at the door. "new moon" bothers me. yes. "new moon"? what kind of a name is that to a sequel? it should have been called "twilight two." [ light laughter ] i mean, was the sequel to "rocky" called "new rocky"? no, "new moon" my ass. who named these [ bleep ] movies?! [ light laughter ] i'm not in it much am i? i am in the beginning and the end and a little in the middle. the middle part of the movie is when people leave the theater to go poop and pee! [ light laughter ] watch the beginning, watch the end! fast forward the middle you jackass! [ light laughter ] new moon has werewolves in it. werewolves are stupid. [ light laughter ] wolves are dogs. they are pets. no one is afraid of pets! you made a movie about ts? that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard of. who cares! i want to

you know that guy robert pattinson? [ cheers and applause ] dude who plays the vampire in "twilight movies." i agree that guy is a tall drink of water. [ light laughter ] but in addition to being attractive it turns out that robert pattinson is really, really bothered about a lot of things. in fact, a couple of months ago, he actually started his own website robertisbothered.com, just so he can talk all the different things that bother him. i don't know what this guy's problem is, just take a look. ♪ [ cougar sound ] [ in english accent ] >> jimmy: hi, i'm robert pattinson and sometimes when things bother me when things bother me, i climb up my tree and i just talk about all the things that bother me. [ laughter ] like, calendars, they bother me. holidays, they bother me. [ laughter ] halloween, halloween bothers me. halloween is stupid. oh, hey, i have a great idea. why don't we have a child dress up so that it's unrecognizable and then send him to a strangers house and have the stranger feed your child. is everyone

you guys know that guy robert pattinson, the star of "twilight"? [ cheers and applause ] check out this video he posted on youtube last night. just check it out. >> the "harry potter" film came out recently, and made a lot of money, didn't it? made a lot of money. people are saying, "are you bothered by it?" well, no, i'm not bothered. i mean, i have my own movie, don't i? so i'm not bothered by him. am i bothered by him? no. not bothered. people asking me all the time if it bothers me. that may bother me. my movie is about vampires. yours is about wizards. so my movie is less stupid, basically. oh, i just remembered what the film is called. "harry potter and the half-blood prince." it should be called "harry potter and the half-assed film" or "harry potter and i am" -- in the "potter" movies, they fly around on broomsticks to fly. that bothers me. i don't need a broomstick. i just fly. it's more efficient, isn't it? hey, harry potter. i'm going to cast a spell on you. s-u-c-k. suck. can everyone say it? hey, here's another spell. combine one part

but first, do you guys know who robert pattinson is? he's the dude from "twilight." he plays the vampire. [ scattered cheers ] i agree, he's a pretty tasty dish. [ laughter ] but in addition to being handsome, it turns t that robert pattinson is also really, really bothered by a lot of things. in fact, a couple weeks ago, he started his own website called robertisbothered.com. just so he can talk about different things that bother him. in fact, the brand-new video up right now -- let's take a look. [ laughter ] >> bothered! >> hey, i'm robert pattinson. sometimes, when things bother me, i come up here in my tree. just to think about different things that bother me. magazines bother me. advertisements bother me. those snickers ads that you see in magazines bother me. [ laughter ] snickers are stupid. these ads are so stupid. do you want an example? you got one. snackonomics. peanut-tentuary. snackabularly. peanutopolis. it's not even -- it's like they take the word snickers out, keep the font and then don't rhyme it with snickers or candy or chocolate or nuts or -- bo

but first, you guys know robert pattinson? [ cheers ] [ boos ] he's the dude who plays the vampire in the "twilight" movies. yeah, i agree with you. that guy is one tasty dish. [ laughter ] well, a couple of weeks ago, we showed you a video he posted on youtube where he was pretty upset about all the attention the "harry potter" movie was getting. and just between you and me, it seemed like maybe he was a little jealous. but it turns out "harry potter" is not the only thing robert pattinson's bothered about. he actually started his own website. it's called robertisbothered.com. [ laughter ] and he keeps posting things on it. this guy's got a real chip on his shoulders. take a look.th ♪ >> jimmy: i'm robert pattinson. sometimes i come up to my tree when things bother me. you know what bothers me? cable television. [ laughter ] the discovery channel bothers me. it's shark week on discovery channel, and that is quite popular, isn't it? wow, millions of people watching sharks swim 'round and 'round. sharks are stupid. [ laughter

she goes, "i had a dream about robert pattinson?" >> it actually kind of -- i mean, i didn't ask about the pie. she wasn't like -- "no pie talk." i mean, like -- there was a whole segment about the pie. and then i figured that that's what we were going to -- i don't know. and she was just like, "you know, i'm such a fan, and i had a dream about robert the other night." and i was like, "dude. i should hook you guys up." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're like, "i have his number." yeah, "i have his number." but, what was in her dream with her and robert? >> she just said they hung out. i don't know what that really -- i don't know -- [ laughter ] i didn't like, push it. i was just like, "okay, that's cool." >> jimmy: [ imitating martha stewart ] "we hung out. we made some crafts." [ laughter ] [ laughter ] >> she said he was really down to earth and really real. and she really liked that. >> jimmy: in the dream. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love when people are nice to you in your dream. i don't have dreams where people don't like me.

he is robert pattinson, and he wants to suck your dogs, jimmy. >> jimmy: thanks you, steve. >> steve: dog! >> jimmy: there they are, the stars of "twilight" ready to gobble some hot dogs. now, all we need are the 3 contestants. higgins, who do we have tonight? >> steve: well, jimmy, tonight's contestants are -- pierre gibsom, kyle stautard and wendy marhamicka. [ cheers and applause ] get down here and get these wieners through those holes, "twilight" style. >> jimmy: very good, very good. welcome, hey. what's your name we're you from? >> pierre gibson, i'm from toronto. >> jimmy: very good. what does it say? fresh pair? fresh pair of jays? [ laughter ] >> no, nothing? >> jimmy: i don't know. i have no idea. >> jordans? i know what they are. >> jimmy: oh, jordans? >> yeah, michael jordan's shoes. >> jimmy: yeah, i call them "m.j.s." [ laughter ] fresh pair of "j's." really fresh. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, very fresh. >> jimmy: i totally got it, by the way. >> i use bounce, by the way. >> jimmy: what? >> i use bounce. >> jimmy: use bounce? >> you know, the fabric softener? >> jimmy:

pattinson and kate gosselin. so in other words, another issue of "people" magazine comes out tomorrow. [ laughter ] i don't know what to make out of this. nasa is in the process of trying to convert human waste into fuel. [ light laughter ] man, talk about pressure to go on command, right? [ laughter ] "come on, barry, just pee. we got to get back to earth, man." [ laughter ] "i can't do it. everyone is staring at me, man. stop looking at me." and, finally, a man in massachusetts returned a book to his local library that was 99 years overdue. the librarians are furious. they were like -- [ whispering ] "you don't know how much trouble you're in" [ laughter ] "i can't believe you --" [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you so much. wow. what a great show we've got tonight. band leader and late night legend paul shaffer is here tonight, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] i love that guy. wwe superstar chris jerich

she'll be playing the girl who is blocking your view of robert pattinson. [ laughter ] "there he is!" finally, tomorrow, president obama has his big beer summit with professor henry louis gates and sergeant james crowley. yeah, that's a great idea. in my experience, the best way to settle an argument between guys from boston, just add alcohol. [ laughter and applause ] hey, everybody, we have a great show tonight. give it up for the roots. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very nice. welcome, welcome, welcome. i could not be more excited about tonight's show. this woman has it all. she's beautiful, she's hilarious. from the new movie, "funny people," leslie mann will join us. very good. [ cheers and applause ] i saw that of movie last week. it's so good. it's just, any codian, it's just so funny. it's, like, sandler, seth rogan. god, there's so many people in this movie. the cameos of other comedians. you're laughing the whole time. it's, like, one of the funniest movies. couple little serious things in there. emotional roller coaster. i was weeping like a baby. [ laughter ] and t

robert pattinson, kristen stewart and taylor lautner. they showed up in person. i was there, it was nuts. people were screaming, crying, panties were being thrown. [ laughter ] then my wife was like, "jimmy, calm down." and i was like -- [ laughter ] they're my panties. i'm going to do what i want to do with them. [ laughter ] big congratulations to lady gaga, who won the video music award last night for "best new artist" -- in the "male or female" category. [ laughter ] [ applause ] good for her. yeah, congratulations to her. [ cheers and applause ] that was a crazy weekend. you see the u.s. open? you see serena williams? [ scattered applause ] she yelled at a line judge, "if i could, i would take this "f"-ing ball and shove it down your "f"-ing throat." [ laughter ] on the bright side, at least she won't lose her sponsor, dunlop "f"-ing tennis balls. [ laughter ] they're the "f"-iest. [ laughter ] here's some political news. this saturday in washington, over 70,000 people protested because they think president obama is trying to shove government health care dow

hin a new interview, "twilight" star robert pattinson said he can't think of a single romantic think he's ever done. girls everywhere were like, "so, he's sexy and unromantic? that's so romantic!" [ laughter ] [ scattered cheers ] girls, they love the bad boys. they love the bad boys. this is insane, a woman in texas almost pulled off an unbelievable scam. she told everyone that she had cancer, held a benefit and then used the money she raised to get a boob job. [ light laughter ] [ audience groans ] [ scattered boos ] all of the friends and family said they were very disappointed, until they saw her. [ laughter ] thought she looked pretty good. good move. [ applause ] you guys, police in oregon arrested a man after he called 911 to report that his marijuana was stolen. [ laughter ] the man said it is the dumbest thing he has ever done. right after he hung up the phone, he was like, "oh, here's my weed." [ laughter ] so, dumb. you don't call 911. everybody knows you call 420. [ light laughter ] [ scattered applause ] everybody knows that. and finally, gold prices have reached a recor

pattinson tattoos. it's such a great idea. police in connecticut have broken up a huge illegal bird fighting operation. you know, there's a legal way to see a bird fight. it's called dropping a french fry on the sidewalk. [ laughter ] that's what they do here all the time. the octomom is back in the news. she signed a $250,000 deal for her 14 kids to star in a reality show. here's how it works. at the end of each episode, the octomom says, "baby number six, you ayed really hard, we've all grown close to you, but the litter has spoken. please leave the crib." [ laughter ] it's going to be fantastic. i read this. animal control in new jersey used pepper spray on an aggressive groundhog that chased a man into his garage and tried to get into his truck. [ laughter ] you know what that means. six more weeks of having to hear that guy's story about the groundhog that chased him in his garage and tried to get into his truck. and finally, china now has more internet users than any other country in the world. 33