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60001 9078V 


Mf I- i(^ 





It IB not easy, at the present day, to determine, whctlier the ancients were 
acqoaioted with llial species of dramatic writing, whicli we call Furce. By 
sooic Uie Satiric Drama of aiitiqiiity U considered as corresponding to tiiU 
Uyle; while others are of opinion, that the Middle Comedy of the Greeks^ 
is the txue original of the English Farce. 

Instead of entering; into a learned and tedious discussion of this question, 
it will be mifhcient at present to observe, tliiit Farce ciinnot be deemed an ex- 
act and legitimate a[)ecies of the Drama. It delights in exaggeration ; and, in 
every portrait, itenlarges the features of tire individual beyond their true pro- 
portion : so that, instead of real character, it exhibit!) to the view of the be- 
holder an overcharged caricature. Us object is not so much to promote 
morality, a» mirth ; and, while Comedy aims, by a <ieries of agreeable iucidentd, 
to inculcate a precept, the only end of Farce is tu excite a laugh. Nor is 
this a matter of so small importance as might at first be imagined. For 
Scerne (see the Dedication to Mr Pitt inTristram Sliandy) hat observed,*' that 
" every time a man smiles, but much more so when he laughs, it adds some- 
" thing to this fragment of life." if this doctrine be true^ the contents of 
ibis volume will certainly contribute something towards the longevity of tlie 

From this description it will be obvious how much the writers of Farce must 
DC indebted to the scenic art, for the full effect and success of their pieces. 
Tragetly is able to support itijelf by ihe eleviilion of its language and the 
diguity of its seutimeuU. The well-drawn characters, and dehcute strokes of 



wit, which adorn ihc pages of legitimate comofly, will delight almost us much 
in the closet, as on the stage. But Farce, which is in itself a species of 
broad grimace, requires all the mimickry of an actor, to set it off t<j ju};t ud- 
Tdutage. Tragedy may be considered as a patlictic invocatiun to uiir pHS- 
Btons ; Comedy as an easy and iiportive appeal to our reason ; but i'urcc ad- 
dresses itself to the risible faculties only, and stands in need of all the tricks 
and gestures of an actor, to enliven the character represented, and exhibit 
those pecuharities of humour, which uo language can describe, and wbicli 
none but tlie most vivid imagination is capable of conceiving. 

It is an obvious deduction from these ubservatiuns. that, if Farce existed at 
all in elder times, it could not have been accompanied with tliose charms and 
attributes, that make it so universal a favourite at present; for the ancients 
were lamentably deficient in the histrionic art : and the mask, which was oni- 
Tcrsally worn by performers in those times, is alone suthcicnt to evince, that 
the science of JuAt representation was then but little understood. A comic 
piece, in a Greek or a Roman theatre, must have resembled the exhibition of 
Puncli at Bartholomew-fmr more than the exquisite performance of " Nature's 
" laughing cliildren" on the boards of Drury-Lane or Covent-Gardcn. For, 
although the mask might give a just representation of features for a single 
moment, it could not mark those successive changes of expression, which 
constitute the charm of just acting. It robs us of the eloquent eye and the 
genuine melody of voice. The stare of surprise, the sudden flashes of anger, 
the pallid hue and tremulous accent of fear, are all lost under the monotonous 
uniformity of a mask. 'i*he actor, who comes on the stage langhinE;, must 
continue to laugh, when he has no longer any share in the joke. Though 
cudgelled by his master, and scolded by his wife, he must grin on to the end 
of tlie scene. 

The multitude and excellence of our farces, then, may perhaps be in a great 
measure attributed to the better construction of modern theatres, and to the judi- 
cious rejection of the mask ; Norwill it be venturing too hold an assertion to af- 
firm, thatOarrick would never have acted, nor Foolc have written, had they 
Jived under the old theatrical regime. The discipline of the stage has a decided 
influence upon the productions of the closet : and mimic excellence has often 
excited into a flame the dormant spark of dramatic genius. It is related, 
that Moliere, when yopng, accompanied by his father, went to the theatre at 
ForLs, while he was yet undecided in the choice of a profession, and that 



perfbrm&nce of the evenhig made such- a sensible impression on his mind, 
M to dettrmine his inclination in favour of the Drama. And perhaps our own 
dariing ShakeipeBre would have been known to us only as a sonnetteer, if the 
genias of Britain bad not placed him within the sphere of a theatre, and ex* 
pcMcd the unfolded germ of his mighty mind to the vivifying influence of 
soeoic splendour, h is to be presumed, that tlie same cause, which animated 
thrse great masters, impartedarajof inspiration to the humble professors of the 
sock. Opportuuity may be called the stepmother of genius ; and the theatre, by 
affording a ready and advantageous display to the productions of dramatic ta- 
lent, has encouraged the race of dramatic authors ; as the royal academical ex- 
hibition hasccttainly multiplied the number, and probably iucreased the energies, 
of British artists. — With regard to farces in particular, as it is their object to 
exhibit the drollery of character and laughable scenes of common life, they 
may be compared to the humorous pictures of a Tenicrs, or a Smirke : and it 
muu be confes^df that the British theatre is the first school in the world for 
tkn ^lecies of painting. It is to the excellence of modern performers, to the 
kvith decorations of the theatre, and to the improved art of stage effect, that 
Farce acknowledges the highest obligations. Tragedy and Comedy may find 
ID the theatric band a powerful auxiliary ; but Farce must be allowed to owe 
almost its existence to it. 

It remains only for the Editor to repeat what he has said in the former 
volumes, as to the plan of this work. The collections of ibis kind have 
hitherto been without any arrangement; but as Tragedy, Comedy, and Farce, 
poMCMeacfa adistinctionof character, he flattered himself, that a separate and 
syslTABtic arrangement would be acceptable to the lovers of the Drama. 
Svch a plan exhibits, atone view, the full force of a nation's genius in each 
mcpectivc line; and, while each ofthese volumes may be had separately, accord- 
iDg Ut the taste of the individual, the whole work may be cousidered as tlie 





Year. Page. 

The Cheats of Scapin •* Otwat ••»» 1^7 ■ I 

The Country House i • .-• VANBRtJGH 3715 -— — J5 

The Conlriraitces Carey 1715 25 

The VecU to Pay * Coffey - 1731 33 

The Beggar's Opera Gay 1727 44 

The Intriguing Chambennaid Fieidino ••• 1733 . 67 

The Mock Doctor i • • * Ditto ■ • • 1733 ^ 75 

Ckrononkotontkologos Carey 1734 86 

TM Honest Yorkshireman Ditto 1736 93 

The King and the Miller of Mansfield Dodsley 1737 101 

Sir Join Cockle at Court Ditto 1737 110 

The Lying Valet Garrick »• 1740 119 

Miss in her Teens Ditto 1747 131 

Taste FooTE 1752 143 

Tke Englishman in Paris Ditto J753 152 

The Knights Ditto 1754 l62 

Tke Apprentice Murphy 1756 174 

Tke Englishman returned from Paris • • •• Foote 1757 186 

Tke Author Ditto 1757 199 

Tke Male-Coquette Garrick 1758 212 

Tke Upholsterer Murphy 1758 225 

Tke Guardian Garrick I7$g 339 

Year. Page. 

High U/e Behw Staira ...Garrick 1759 251 

TkeMmw FooTE 1760 264 

ThtOldMaid Murphy 1761 281 

TheCitixen Ditto 1761 293 

TkeUar Foote 1762 308 

TheOratort • Ditto 1762 329 

The Dewe is in Him Colmas 1763 338 

Love in a Village Bickerstaft 1763^ 349 

Tke Mayor ofGarratt FeoTE 17^3 382 

ThePatron Ditto 1764 370 

Midas • Akonthous 1764 39^ 

The Maid of the MSt'' Bickerstaf? 1765 40/ 

Tke Commissary Foote 1/65 431 

Neck or Nothing •«• Garrick -••• 1766 451 

Peep behind the Curtain ..-Ditto 1767 465 

Devil vpon two Sticks Foote 1768 477 

Padlock Bickerstaff 1768 494 

X)r Last in his Chariot Bickkrstapf & Foote 1769 ■ 505 

LameLover Foote 1770 425 

Maid of Bath Ditto 1771 542 

Irish Widow Garrick 1772 558 

SvUan Bickerbtaff 1775 572 

Bon Ton '. Garrick 1776 580 

Thru Week* after Marriage Murphy 1776 59^ 









TaiiFTT, an old miter, andfather to Octaviax. 

Gvrr^fmther to Lcander. 

I^tsDER, son to GftrpE, and privatefy married 

to Lucia. 
Ottavun, ton /oTnEirry, and privately married 



Shift, tervant to Octaviak. 
Sly, $ervant to Leander. 


Lucia, in love with Lf-amdrr. 
Clara, tn love with Octavian. 

Scene — ZondoRi 



£nfer Octavian and Shift. 

Oct. Tbis is unbappy news ! I did not expect 
»T fatlier in two monuis, and yet yoa say be is 
'•'Wned already, 

S*ift. Tis but too true. 

Ort. That he arrived this morning ? 

^ft. This very roorning. 

w. And tliat be is cnme with a resolution to 

%t. Ye^ MT, to marry you. 

Oct. I am mined and undone I prithee advise 

Shift. Adrisa ^ou? 

Oct. Yes, advise me. Thou art as surly, as if 
thou really couldst do me no good. Speak ! lias 
necessity taut;ht tbce no wit * Hnst thou no shift ? 

Shi/i. Lord, sir, I am at present very busy in 
contnving some trick to save myself! I am first 
prudent, and then j^ood-natured. 

Oct. How will my father rage and stonn, when 
he understands what things have happened in his 
absence ! 1 dread fais anger and reproaches. 



Skijy. RepronchM ! WuulH 1 could be quit uf 
him «i 4IIVV ; oicthujks I feel liiiu ulrcady on uiy 

(kt. DiMiiherilinit is tltr least I cnn nxppcL 

Shift. Vfiu fclioiilii have tboufihl uf tills licfurc, 
tw\ not have fallen in love with I know not 
wluini. t»ne that ycm tnct br chance in the I>o- 
\cr-concli : She is triilt-etl, a ^o<xl stiu|> la»s; but 
C<mI knows what the b besides; perhups some — 

Oct. Villain ! 

iSAj7>. I have done, sir, 1 haic done. 

Oct. I haxe no friend that can ajjpea^c my fa- 
ther's antior, atwl uuw I shall be betraj'ed tu 
wutt and misery. 

9hyi. For rajr port, 1 know but one remedy in 
oar oiisfuitunes. 

Oct. Prithee, what is it? 

<SAi/}. Yuu know that rogue and arcb-chent 

Ori. Well; what of him? 

Siiift. There is nul a more subtle fellow hreattj- 
tng: so cunning, he *-ini elicat one newlv cluat* 
cdt 'tis such a whceilting rojjtit, I'd underrakc, iu 
two tMiurs he shnlt make your father forzivr von 
all ; !!«», allow you money for your nfcessjjry 
debauclies. I saw him, in tltrec dars make nn 
old cautious lawyer turn cl>emist miJ {irojfctur ! 

Oct. lie is the AttL-sl fierKin in the world for 
mv business; the in)|iudent iiirk-t can du any 
tlun^; »iih the peevish old mnn. I'rithee, go loot 
liiiu out; we'll K-t him a-work imirediately. 

Skyi. See irbere he ciunes — Monsieur Scapin ! 

Enter ScAPi5. 

Sea. Worthy sir ! 

Shift. I have l>€<n giving my master a brief 
account of thy most uuble qunl'ilirs: [ told him 
thnu wert as \aliant as a ridden cuckold, sincere 
as nhorrs, honest us pimps in wane' 

Sfa. Ala*, sir, [ but copy you : Tis you are 
bmvc ; vou scorn lite ^bnels, hulteri, und pn- 
Mn» which fhrcaieu you, and valiantly proceed 
in f heals and n>bhi-ric!t. 

Oft. Oh, Scnp'm ! t am utterly nitued without 
thy assistance. 

Sen. Why, wlut's the matter, good Mr Octa- 
tinn ? 

Oct. My fatber is this day arrived at Dover 
with iAd Mr (iripe, with a resolution to marry 

Sea. ^'ery well. 

Off. Thou kn'twest I am already married : 
How will my father resent my diu>(jedietK;e? I 
am for ever loM, ui.le» thou cao'st find Kunc 
means to reooitdli: me to liim. 

Ufa. Docs your fitther know of vour marriaRe ? 

Vet, 1 am afriiid lie is by this tune actjuaintcd 

Sea. No matter, no matter; nil sliall be well. 
I am public ^rited : I love to help distrc^Mrd 
vuuug ^uitlcuicn: and, iltauk Ueaveo, 1 have 
had flood MOnaBenou^ 

Oct. Besides my presentVant muat be conu- 
dercd ; I »ui in rebellion without money. 

Sea. I have tricks and shil^ too, to get tbflt: 
I cnn cheat nptm ocea^on; but cheotinK is now 
itrown an ill-lrade: yet, Ileavcn be thanked, 
there were never more cullit-s nod fools; but the 
ereatcst r<Kiks and cheats, allowed by public au- 
thority, ruin such litUc undcrtradei^ as I am. 

Oct. Well, (tetthec straight about thy busi- 
ness. Canst thou make tut use of my rogue here? 

Sea. Yes, 1 <^hull want his as^stance; tbo 
knnve bus cunuiitg. and may be useful. 

Shift. Ay. Mr ; but, like other wise men, I am 
not ovcr-vnhanL I'my, leave me out of this bu- 
siness: My fears will betray ;roa ; you sbai I ex- 
ecute, I'll sit ni home and advise. 

Sea. I Mnnd not in need of thy rounige, but 
thy impudence; and tlrou hnst enough of that. 
Come, come, thnn shall aloni; : What, man, stand 
out for a beatiDf;? That's the worst can happen. 

Shift. Well, %vcll. 

Enter CtARA. 

Oct. Here comes my deorcAt Clara. 

Clara. Ah, mc. Octaviim ! I hear sad news — 
They say your father is returned. 

Oct. Alas! 'lis tnir, and I nni llie most un- 
fortunate person in the world; but 'tis not my 
own misery that I coniidcr, but yours. How can 
you bear those wants to which wc must be both 

Ctura. Ijovc shall teach me — that can make 
all things ensv to us; which is a sign ic is the 
chiefest )^ood. But I have other cares. Wilt you 
be ever constant ? Slmlt not your father's seve^ 
rity coostrnin you to be false? 

Oct. Never, my dcoreht, never ! 

tiara. I'hey, ttiat love inucli, may be allowed 
some fears. 

Sen. Come, come ; wc have now no time to 
lu-nr you ^pcak fine tender things to one another, 
rniy, du yuu jircpare tu encounter with your fa- 

Oct. I trendilu at the ihoughls ofiL 

Sea. You must appear resolute at 6n>t : Tell 
him you enn live without trouhling him; threaten 
him to turn soldier: or, what will frij^hten him 
worse, lay you'll turn poet. Come, I'll worTBOt 
you we bring him tu compn^cion. 

(><;/. What would 1 (yvo 'twere over ! 

^'u. Let us practise a little what you are tn 
do. .Suppohc me your father, very gmi-c, and 
verj- uii^rv. 

f></. M^elL 

Sea. Do you look very carelessly, like a itmall 
courtier ttntm his country ncqoaintuncc : A little 
uigrc suHily: Vltv well.— ^Now, I am full of 
my fadiei-ty authority. — Octavian, thuu makest 
nic wuep to yee thti'; but, dlas ! thev arc not 
t<ar» of joy, but tears of sorrow. Dkd ever mi 
i^ood a fatlier beget so lewd n son ? Nay. but fiv 
that I tliink thy oxiUwr virtuous 1 sbould pro- 



nnooce tboa art not miae ! Kcwi;race-bir^ rogue, 
TiUun ! what a trick hast thou played me in mv 
abscaeef Mamcd ! Yes. But to whom? Na;, 
datt thou knowcst aoL Til wiumnt ynu MMiir 
waiting woman, corrupted io a civil family, aiKi 
ndttor>d to nne of the plaj-^tmiMs ; retnorcd from 
thence by tame Iteepiog coxcomb, or 

C&ira. Hold, Scapin, hold— - — 

Sea. No oflcnre, Iniiy, I speAk but niiother's 
words.— Thou abominable rascal, thou dhalt not 
baf« %, eroat, not a groat ! Besides, I will brcalc 
tit thTbooes ten bni« orer ! Ct'i thee out of 

aty bouse ! Why, sir, you reply not a wurd, 

bat Aaod as bashfully as a girt that is eitumncd 
br a bawdy jtidge about a rape ! 

Oct. Look, yonder comes my father ! 

Sea. Stay, Shift; and get von twogoiK: Let 
M alooe e'o manage tbc old fellow. 

[Exeunt Oct. ai\d Ci^nn. 


T%riftif, Was iherp evir such a rash acllou ? 

Sea. lie hn« Inxn ioforuied of the bii&ine»i, 
wid ia now «o fall of it, thnt be rents it to bira- 

Thr^y, I would fain hear wliat they caa sav 
for tbeittaHvM. 

Sea. We are not ncprovided. [At a dittance. 

Ttrijiy. Will Uicy be to irnpudeul to deny the 

Sea. We neircr intend it. 

Tlu-ifiy. Or will they endeavour to excuse it ? 

Sea. That, perhaps ^c may do. 

nrffim. Dtit all &hall be in vain. 
orVa We 

Sml Well try that. 

Thf^y. I know huw to lay that ro^e my son 


Sna. That wc must prevent. 

I^riOy. And for tlie tattcrdemnllion, Sluf^, Til 
dwMh Itim to dsath ; 1 will be tliree year* a ctid- 

5/t^. I wondered he bad forgot me tn Vm^. 

Tknfiy, 0\u ho ! Yonder t^ rascal i», thnt 
Inve tjovcnior ! he tutored my son finely ! 

Scm. Sir, I am overjoyed at your !wifn reiurn. 

tlir^'ijf. Gofxl-momiw, Scapin. — —Indeed yon 
hare followed my iiiMructionB rery c\actly; my 
■M bma behaved himself vrr}' prudeiiUy in my 
■kNooe— bas be not, rascal, has be not f 

[To Shift. 

Sem. I hope you an; very well. 

Tknft¥. vVry well — Tbou tay'sl not a word, 
twkt ■ tliou say'st not a word ! 

Sta. Had yoo a eood vovngc, Mr llirilty f 

ITtrifiif, Ijtnl, sir! a very poi«l voy«ce — Hrav, 
ptea man a Utile leave to'vent hischolcr ! 

Sn*. Would you be in cb(fler, sir? 

Tkriftv. Ay, »ir, I would he in dtoler. 

Sta.. Hny, witli whnm ? 

Tkntty. With that confounded ro^c tlverc ! 

Sra, Upon vbsc reason i 

7Vjy>y. Upon what reaw>n ! Hast thon not 
beard what hath happr^ned in my absence i 

Sea. I heard a httlc idle story. 
'J'Arifiy. A little idlu story, qiintha ! why, man, I 
my 5on'a undone; uiy son's undone ! ' 

Sea. Come, come, thin^ hnve not been well i 
carried ; but I would advise you tn make, no more 
of iL 

TTirifiy. I'm not of tour optntun ; Til make the 
whole town riuj; of it ! 

Sra. lord, mt, 1 have stormed about this biwi- 
new as much *» yon can do for your henrl ! hut 
what arc wc bfitli the beitrrr [ tnid him, indeed, 
Mr Octavian, you do not do well to wronjr »n 
good a father ; I preached liiui three or four 
timcj* n^lcrp; but nil wgtilcl not do; till, at lastf : 
when I had well examined the buMncvs, I found 
you had not so much wrong done you as you inia" 

Thri/it/. How ! not wront; done me, to have 
my son married, withnuimv consent, to a bi^garf ' 

Sra. AlaK ! he whs ordnnied to it 

Ifiri/iif. 'ITiai's tine, indeed ! we «1ialt steal, 
cheat, nirirdiT, and *o be hanged — then say, we 
were ordained to it ! 

Sea. Tndy, [ did not think you so subtle a phn 
lusopbcr ! I mean, bo was fairly engaged in this 

Thrifiii. Why did he rnpipe himjelf .' 

Sea. Very true, indeed, vcrj true; but fve 
upon yrtit, now \ would vou have him aa wi»c as 

y«unclf ? Young men will have tlwir follies 

wimcM my charge, l^aintcr, wlin has pMic and 
thrown aMny hifUKlf nt a »lran^cr rate than your 
son. I would fmn know, if ytm were not once 
ynuni; yotjrself. Yes, I warrant you, and bad 
your frailties. 

Thrifiif. Yes; but they never rn?t me any 
tltinjt : A man may he as fi ail and as wicked as 
he ptense, if it eon Irim nothing. 

Sen. Mas ! he wa^ » in love with the yoni^ 
wcnrh, tliat if he had not had her, lie rauM hare 
ccrtuinly haiiped himself. 

SAi/i. Must ! why, he had already done it, hut 
that \ came very seasonably, and cut dii: rope. 

Thrifty. Didit tlion cut the rope, dog? Ill 
murder iJtee for that! thou shouldst have let him 
liani: ! 

Sea. Besides, Iter kindred sorpriscfl him with 
her, and forced him to marry her. 

Fhrii)xf. Tticn should he have prevntly ^nne, 
hud prote^iied a|^inst the violence at a notarV*. 

Sea. O Lord, sir ! lie scorned that. 

fhri/ty. Then might I easily Imto disannulled 
tho Diarnu;^'. 

Sea. Diwmnul the marri&gcF 

Thrifty. Yes. 

•Sra. Vou shall not break the marriage. 

Thrifiy. Shall not 1 break it? 

Sea.' No. 

T^ifiy. What ! tball not! claim the pririlrge. 



Dfa father, ftod hitre Mtifefoction for the violence 
done lo tiiy son ? 

■Sri/. Tia a iliinjE be mill never consent to. 

TAnfti/. Ilf will uoi cotucnt to! 

Sfa.' ?5o : Would vuu have hint conft-M howM 

l|w't'lort'i) iiiUi »n^ tlii'iie, thnt j^, tu dcdHrc him- 

rjclfa I'ltwnrdf Oti,fy, wr! uuc tliut liu& the ho- 

nuiir of being your nan, ran m.'vi-r <lo hucIi a 


Vkr^flp. Pi»h \ t»lk not to mc nf honour ! he 
•hall do It. or be disinherited. 

Sea. ^V'h4> «hnll disiiiltcrlt liini? 

Thrinti. llnaMjll I, sir. 

Sen, Vuu tltsiuJicfit hini \ vert good— — 

Tfirifit/. How, vrry goiid ? 

Sra. ^'nu >hNii lint dtsitilicrit him. 

'lyirifty. Siiatl nut I diuulicrit hitn? 

Scu. No. 

nrifU. No! 


TAn^jy. Sir, you arc fcrj merry; t &b«U not 
duirihcnt my non t 

•Vo No, 1 tt'l) v»u. 

TArifiy. I'rav, uho t>halt liindtTme? 

^ru. Ala&, lifr ! your onn Ktr^ sir; yuur n\TO 

'Dtrifiu. I QiyKif ? 

frti. 1 eSf tir ; for you can never have tlic heart 
to dn iL 
^ Jirif}j/, You shall fiud I can, »r. 

Sea. Come, you deceive yoorwlf ; fatlierly af- 
fectton must fehew iiself; it tnutii, itmunt: Do 
not i kmtw vou were ever tciidcr-hcartcd i 

ThriOv. You're mistaken, air ; you're inistB- 
ken \ I'l^h ! why do I s|>end my brae in littic- 

tatllf. Kith thth idle fctlow f lluug-dof*! gu 

find out ray rake-hell [TuSuirT.], whiUt I^o lu 
tny broilKT Gripe, anil infunu him of my misfor- 

Sea. In the mean time, if I con do you any kt- 

ThnJIy. O ! I liiank you, Mr, I llwnk ynu.- — 

S/iift. I must confess thou nna, brave felEow, 
and our alBiin bc^n to be in u bettur puslurc — 
Uit the nioocv, iJie inunuy wm are abomina- 
ble poor, and my master has the lean vij:ltant 
dllll^, that tonnciit him more than an old mother 
docs a poor gallant, when she solicits a mointc- 
nmicc for her diKarded daugbtcr. 

Sea. Vnur nioner shall ha my next care— Let 

nic we, I want a fi-Uow to (Jiunt thou not 

ojunltrfeit a roaring liullv til" Alsaria?- Sialk 

— look big — Very well. I'ollow mc : I havewayi 
to dispuis«= lIiY vuii'L' and rounlcnniicc. 

Sl'tj't. I'ray, lake a littli^ care, and lay your plot 
S"i tliiit I may not ncl the bully always: 1 would 
not be bonicii Ubc a hnlly. 

Si-a. We'll share ttie danger, well fch&re the 
danger. [£fnWk 

ACT n. 

En/*pTuRifTy and Cnirr. 

Gripe. Sir, what vou tell mc conccrnir^ jour 
fon. biith strangely iVustratcd oar dcitigiis. 

Thrit'ty. Sir, Inuibte not yourself about my 
son ; 1 have utidtrtuLcn to remove all obstacles, 
which is the business X am so vigorously in pur- 
suit of. 

Gripe. In troth, sir, HI tell yna wluit Isfty to 
Tou : Tlie cducaliun of chtldren, after the KetttDg 
of ihetn, uii^ltt to be the nearest concern of a fa- 
tlirr. And liud you tutored your son with (hot 
care and duty incuiubent on you, he never could 
ao Klightly l»ave torfciled his. 

Tbnjiy. .Sir, to return ytm a frnlcnce for your 
sentence : lliow that ore ao quirk to censure 
»ii«l ninilpmn tlic conduct of others, uu^ht firat 
tu l:ike i-arv iliai nil be ki-U at home. 

Gripe. \>'hy, Mr Thrjuy, liate you heard any 
ihiuf: c^Kcmiuf:; my mu? 

Thrtiiy. It may be I Itave; and it maj be 
worse limn of mv o«n. 

Grijif^ What 14*1, 1 piny? my son? 

'rkr\ttff. Kveii your own Slapin told itmc; 
nnrl yuu may heur it from hmi, or fuinc body cIh: : 
For iny puft, I aiu your I'noiidi uiid »ould nut 
willingly be the mc&icnger of ill uetrs to unc that 



I think so to mc. Yoor SGrrnni — I must luutcn 
to my ruunctl, and ad%i<« what't* to be done in 
this ca!«c. Good bu'y till I ^ee yr>ii nfiHiii. 

' [Jirif Tnaim', 
Oripr. Worse ttion his »on ! For my part, I 
citnnoi itiia|i;iuc how; for n kon In mwrry impur 
dently niilioui tiic ron«cnt of hii> futlitr. i«i as 
prtat nn oifence iis can be imapiKdj 1 take i 
Uut vondcr be comes. 


I^tiu. Olt. my dear futher, how joyfid am Its 
-cv you sttfely rctunitrd ! Welctmio, a^ the ble»- 
&iii{r. which I am now craving, niil be. 

Oripe. Not M) fii«t, friend a'luinr: 1 Mifk nnd 
fair L:oes fur. sir. You arc ray son, as [ take it. 

Lean. What d'ye mean, sir? 

Gripe. Stand ii'till, ond let mc look ye m tht 

Leath lion must I etund, sir? 

Gripi-. Look upon nic with boih eyes. 

Lluh. Well, si.", I do. 

6m/¥. Wlutt* the meaning of this repartf i 

Lr»n. R/^pon, sir? 

GrijK. \'c\ rc'|Hin, sir; I "peak KoflUii, R» I 
take it: What ik't that yuu ItatedutH: ui my al^ 





X/wi. Whtft i»X Mr, which you would have 
}aA tat done! 

Gfift^ I do not ask vnu, wHit I would have 
had yvn dnne ; but, what tiitvc you dune ? 

LruB, Willi' I,air? Wbjf, 1 have done nothing 

Oi , iiiiigftt all? 

XrfVA. No, ur. 

Grtjt*. You have no impu<lcace lo spxak nii. 

I^««(, Sir. 1 tuire the coulidcoce that bcconici 
a tnau, and uxy iutiMtcncp, 

Oripe. Vcnf well ; but Scapin, d'yr mark me, 
jnuMi; nian, Scaptn liu tiild me vjuw ude^i of 
yvac bvltarinur. 

Lms. Scapin! 

Gryte. Uti, have I cauftht vouF That name 
mites je bliah» does it 1 ^'ia welt you Imve some 

I^gm. Ums he finid any \hiu^ cnnc*niine toe? 

Gripe. That shall b« examined anon : In the 

mao while, get you h^ntte. d'ye licttr. and nw 

till mjr nciini ; Uut loi>k to't, if lh<>u Ijiut done 

Bin TtiiRt: CO di»boitnur me, never think to eotnc 

within my dtwin, nr see my tacc more : but £!• 

pKt la be miBvrable as thy folly and poverty ran 

mAa thee \Erit Oiitpc. 

Lenm. S'vTf fine: I am in n hr>)M>fut condition. 

Tka nund hoi bclmycd my marring, and un- 

iont mc ! Now, tltrre is no wmv Ic^ft but to turn 

wltw, aad live by rapine -. antf, to Mt my band 

Hi die 6ru tJunje shall be, to cut tlte tliroat of 

lint perfidious pirk-tliaiik dog, tliat has ruined 


EnlfT OCTAVIAX and ScApl^t. 

Or/~ Drar Scapin, huw infinitely am I obliged 
lathee fur tliv cnre I 

Leaa. YoiHler he contes : I'm overjoyed to see 
I«.«eod Mr Dog ! 

Sra- Sir, roiir most hotnhlc servant; you bo- 
"•Bf me too far. 

Uvu Vuu act Ad lit fooi's part ; but X sliall 


Wl iUM ! Leander. 

hnn. \<i, Octavinn : lit make Itim ronfets the 
fctKhcry Ite lia* cninniiltf-'d ; yt^^ viirli:!. doji ! I 
bow tlw trick you have played me : You thought, 
fBb|M, no bijdy would have fold mc. lltit I'll 
nU yuu cunfctf it, ur Tli run my kword into 
J*ir guu t 

&a. Oh, sir, ur \ would you have the hQArt to 
*»*idi a thing? Ilavc I done yoo any ii\j«iry, 

itnn. Yes niKttI ! that ron h^ve, and Itl make 
••■«»•« It, too, t»T I'll ?t>vinge it oiil of your al- 
****j utioed ihwk hidr. [Beets hm. 

St*. TTie devil's lii'i! Lord, Mr! what d'ye 
■*" ' ' j'lod MrLrander, pmy^ Mr Ijonii- 
"^ ' ;iodcr — A» I hope to be sivctl — 

-■i-., (Mi.H.i- bef|uiet: for ^hanic ! enough. 


Sea, Well, air; Icocifeis, indeed, that 

J^an. What ! speak, rogue ? 

^'ru. About two months ago, you may rcrnem- 
Ikt, a moid scivant died in ibe bouse 

XeoN. Wliatofall that? 

Sea. Xay, sir, if I confess you must not be an- 

-LroR. Well, go on. 

Sea. Tvras said, she died for love of m^ art 
Hut It't tliat poM. 

Ixaa. Dentil ! you trifling buflbon. 

Sea. About a WfCk after ncr dcuth, I drcst up 
myself lilic licr ghust, and went iulo Madam Lu- 
cia, your nii»trt:»i>'9 chamber, whcru &he lay hulf 
ill, half out uf tied, with her woman by her, rcml- 
iog an ungodly play-book. 

Lean. And vraf, it voiir impudence did that ? 

Sea. They both believed it was n Rh'Mt to this 
hour. But it was myself played iIm: j^oblin, to 
frighten Utr from the Hrurvy custom of lying 
awake at those unreasonable hours, hcariitc fillliy 
pliiys, when f>Ur had nrtcr «iid her prayers. ' 

Lean, I »hnll rcnieiaber you for all in time 
and place: But coii>c to iltc point, and tell mo 
irhnt thou hniit said to my father. 

Sea. To your failierP I liuvi- not so luiidi aa 
seen him since hi^r return, and if yuu would a>k 
him, be'it tell yoa fio himself. 

LritrL Yes, )m luld me himself, and lutd tno 
all that thou lm»t said to him. 

.Sift. Widi ynur good kave, sir, theti, he lied; 
1 beg your parduu, I mean he wa« mi»iakcn. 

Eater StT. 

SI;/. Oh, sir, 1 bring you the most unliappj 

nent ! 

Lean. What's the matter? 

Siy. Your mistress, sir, is voodcr arrested in 
»u action of 300t. TIicv say "'tis a debt she left 
unoaid at London, in tlie liosle of her escufxj 
hitner to Dover; and, if you don't raise money 
within these two hours In dit^hargc her, bliu'll bo 
hurried til prisciii. 

I^an. NViiJtin these ttro hours? 

Slv- Vci, sir, within ttuHW" two hours. 

I^an. Ah, tny p«ior Scapin ! I W!int tliy a*si»- 
tancp. [Stupis wulki tibont surlily. 

Sco. Ah, my pmr Scnpin ! Now, I'm yoar 
poor Scapin; now yomV need nf nie. 

I^an. No niriro ! I pnrduii thee all that ibou 
h(i<t done, and worse, it tliou arc guilty nf it. 

Sen. No, un; never pardon ui* : ruit your 
hword iu luy guti; you'U do better to murder 

fjenn. For nenvtm'» fake, think no more op- 
on ihiit : but studv nnw to insist uic. 

Oct. You must d'> .«oinctlmi)£ for him. 

Sea. Yes, to tiave my buiiei bnAai for nj 

Lean. Would you leave wc, Scopin^ in ihi« se- 
vere extren/itr' 



Sra. To pat siicti an nfTront upon me as you 

Lean. I wronetHl Ui«c, 1 confcis. 

Sea. To u«c me like n scnnndrRi, & villain, a 
I; to threuU'u li> run your »word in my 

Lean. 1 cry thy mercy with all my bean; uid 
if ihou wilt have mc throw mvsclf at tliy feet, 
I'll do it. 

Oct. Taiih, Scapin, you must, you cannot but 

Sea. Well, then : But dn you mnrit nie, sir ? an- 
other time, brttcr worriii nnd grntter Mowc. 

Lean. Will you promiic to mind uiy buii- 

Sea. As I HG convruient, csae ^hall be 

Lean. Dut tire tiiiu.* vou know is bhort. 

Sea. Pray, sir, don't be M troublesome : How 
fnucti inoncy i^'t rou want? 

l^an. 'J'wo hundred pounds. 

Sea. And vou * 

Oct. A* much. 

.Vh. [To I.tANUEit.] No more to be «aid; it 
»lutll be ((ooe : For vou the contrivance u laid 
filri-ady; mid for your fntlier, though he be cove- 
tous irt Uir hi>t dogrt-e, yet, thiuiic!! be to Hea- 
ven, he's hut n shallow person ; bi^ piirts are not 
eslraordinnry : Uo not take it ill, sir; for ynu 
luvu no rpMTubl'Micc of htm, but that yuu arc 
very like turn. Ue ^onc ! I &«e ifctavta's father 
Foniiog ; I'll begin with him. 

[Kxtunt OcTAViAM and LcANDca. 

Enter TiiHirrv. 

Here he comes, mumbling and clicnin; the cud, 
to prQ%-e himself a cleHn,iiefi»t, 

'IVirifij/. Oh, audiicious boy, tn commit so in- 
solcat a crime, and plunge himself in such a mis- 
' chief! 

Sea. Sir, your humble wrrant. 

'fhrijlt/. How do yuu, -Scapin? 

Seu, Whfkt, you arc rumhmtiog on your son*» 
nuh nctton»? 

Thrifty. Have I not rcaioo in be troubled } 

Sea. Tlirlife uf man is full of truublcs, that's 
tlw truth oit'c: Dut your phib'fupltPr is always 
[ preparei). I re member an ciccllent proreiii of 
the nncients, wry lit for your coie. 

Tltrtflti. What*! that? 

Sen. Pmy, miml H; 'twill do yc n world of 

'Hirifh/. What i»'t, I nak you ? 

Sea. Whr, when the master of n fuuiily hIihII 

be nlwnt nor cuntidtTablc time from \i\\ home 

or majiMou, be oughl, mttonnlly, gravely, wisely, 

and ph)linop)iicnllv, to revoKx' within bi» uiitid 

nil lite ri)i)<'tirr«nt cirt'itiii.'<tances thtd may, du- 

I ring tlte interval, conspire to tlic conjunction of 

1 tboeo mist'otTuneb, and tr'''iible'««ne accidents, 

I ^bnt mnv iiitf rvciir iiptin the siid nbscncc, nnd 

llie Inlrrruptitm of his ccunimal iuspcctiou into 

the rcmisMiess, negligences, frailties, and huge 

and perilous errors, which his subMituies *eT- 
vaiits, or trustees, may be capable of, or liable 
nnd obnoxious unto ; which may arise from the 
imperfection and oorruptncis of ingenemt4*d ni- 
tures, or the tunt and contagion of cnrruptert 
education, whereby the fountain-head of man's 
diflpO!)ition becomes muddy, nnd alt the streams 
of liis manners and conversation run consequent- 
ly defiled and impure: lliese thin^'!^ pmni»cd, 
and forc<con»idercii, arm the said prudent philo- 
sophical Paler-Familiiis, to find bis house laid 
wnstP, his wife murdered, his daughters licftnii- 
ered, his sons hanged : 

' Cum muliis alits, qua; ntmc prescribcre Ion- 
gum est.' 

And to thank Heaven 'tis no worse, too. D'ye 

mark, sir ? 

Thrifhf. 'Sdt'alb ! Is all tlii<> a proverb? 

Sea. Ay, anil the liesl proverb, and the wisest, 

in the world. Good sir, get it by heart : 

*Twil| do you the grcatei^t |;<K>d imapitiahlo ; and 
tlun't trouble yoiirwrlf: I'll n-peat it to you tiU 
you tmvo gotten it by heart. 

Thrifty. No, I thauk yoa, sir; Til bare noue 

Sea. Pray do, you'll like it better nrxt time; 
hear it once more, I say When the mas- 

ter of a— ^— 

Thri/iy. Hold, hold ; I have better thoughts of 
my own ; 1 am going to my lawyer; I'll aull the 

Sea, Cuing to law ! Arc vou mnd, to venture 
yourself among lawyers? Do you not see every 
day how the 5puti<;es suck poor clients, and, witn 
a company of foolish nonaensical iernis, and kna- 
vish inrk*^, undo Uic tmtiunf No, you sliall take 
another way. 

T/irif}y. You have reason, if there wtre aiiy 
other way. 

Sea. Come, I have found one. The truth is, I 
have a great compawon for ywir Rrief. I mu- 
uot, when I see tender fathers afllictt-d for Uieir 
^uu's miscarriaf^es, but have bowels for them ; I 
liavt much udo to refrain wf^jping for y«>u, 

'Tknfttf, Truly, my case is sad, very sad. 

^a. So it is. 'Icars will burst out; I have n 
great respect for your person ■ 

\Cottnterfcitt tceepin^, 

Tbriflv- Thank you, with all luy heart; tn 
troth wcshould have a fellow-feeling. 

Sea. Ay, so we should ; 1 assure you iliere i» 
not a pcnHin in lite world whom I respect raure 
than thf: noble Mr Thrifty. 

Thri/iy. Tbou art honest, Scapin. Ha' done, 
ba' done. 

■Sea, .Sir, your most humble servant. 

Thrifi^f. "Hul what is your way? 

Sea! Why, in brief, I have been with the 
brother of luv, whom your wicked sod has mar^ 

Thrifty, What is he! 




Sea. A inosi outrageous, roaring fellow, xvith a 
fiown tianring took, conCncUd bfow, with a 
ttw'eUed red faccj eoAamed with bntndy; one 
that homta, puA, and boks big at nil miuikintl ; 
roan out OAina, mA bellowB out curses ciiou^ti 
in a da^ to ktvc a garriMu a week ; bred up io 
blood and repine; used to slaughter from his 
500^ Dpwaida ; one that mnkc« no mure cnn- 
•dence of kiUine n inaa, thno crockiD^ of a 
louse ; he has kil^ tiiteea ; four fur taking the 
wait of him; fi^e fnr Umkiiif; ton big uprin him. 
In abort, he is the must dreadful of aU tbc race 

T%ri/iv. Heaven ! Iiow tlo I tremble at tlic de- 
»cn(jli<m ' But wluu's thin tu my business i 

Jyrtt^ Why, he (as must bullies are) 19 in want, 
and I have broucbt Inm, hy ihreatcntn^ him with 
all the courses uf law, all ihc asMStance of your 
friends, and yuur great |]ur&c, (in which I vcii- 
tnn^ uty Itfc ten times for so oHcn he drew 
nod nin at me) yet, J mv, aU last I have inadc- 
him beurkeo to n conip<i»ition, luid to null the 
anrmee for n sam of money. 

Thnfijf. Thanks, d«ar Sctpin, but what sum ? 

Sea. Mttth, be was damnably unrcnsottable ui 
fir»t ; ajtd gad, 1 told him so very roundly. 

Tki'ij'ty. A pox on him \ what did he ask ? 

Sem. A«lt I ILing him ! why he a&ked five huo- 
drrd pounth. 

Jltrij'ly. Ouns and heart, 6vc hundred poiindn ! 

fire hundred dcviU take hiin and fry and 

fridcaaee tite dog ! does be uke me for a mud- 

Sf.a. Wliy, so I said? and, nAcr much argu- 
ment, 1 brought him to this : *' Diunme,' sa.y s he, 
* I am going to the army, and J muit have two 
' good harm for myself, for fear one should die : 
' and thoM* will cost at lea&t tlirce Korc guineas.' 
Tkrifty. \i»a% him, rogue ! why should he 
havt two bones? But I care not if I give tliree- 
Kore gobiMU to be rid of this al&iir. 

Sem. Tben.%ays he, * my pistols, saddle, horse 
' dotb, nod nil, will cost tweaty more.' 
lArj^/V. Why, that's fourscore. 
&«. \i'elJ reckoned : 'FaitJi, this aritliinclic U 
tfiae art. Then, I must ba\e one fur my boy 
■iUont twenty mure. 

1\nfi»f- (3h, the devil ! confounded dog I let 
biB go and be damned ! I'll )pve bim nothing. 
Sea. Sir. 

T%rifttf. Not a sous, damned rascal ! let him 
kn KiQC-«oldicr. and be haugcd ! 

&■. lie ln« a man besides; would you have 
ba £0 a-fonl .' 

tir^y. Ay, and his master, too; 111 have 
■Hkuig to do with him. 

Sw. Well, yt>n are resolved to spend twice n« 
Madi at DocturVCoinu»)ns you arc; you wiU 
MaA not for such a sum as this do. 

n'tOj). fK damned, uncon^aoui rascal ! well, 
if It Bost be SO, let him Itave the other twenty, 
Sh. Twenty ! why, if comes to fortjr. 

Thri/li/. Nov ril hare nothing to do in it. Oh, 
a covetous rogtw ! I wonder he is not ashamed 
tu be BO covetous, 

S*-a. Why, ibis is nothini; to the cliargc at 
Doctor's Commons : and Uiuugh her brother Ima 
no money, she has an uucleabfc to del'eud her. 

THrii\y. O, eternal rojfuc ! well, I must do 
it ; the dm-irs in liim, I (hluk ! 

Sia> Then, says he, *I iiiuft carry into France 
inouuy to buy a mule, to carry ■ 

Thriflv. t-el him go to the devil with h'la 
mule ; I'D af^Kal to the judge^t. 

&a. Nayt^ood sir. think a httle. 

Thrifttf. No, I'll do nothiu;. 

Sea. S;r, sir; hut one little muleP 

'i^''i/^y- No, not bO much as oui as«! 

Sea. Coufiider. 

Thnjlif. I will not consider ; TU go to law. 

S-ca. I om sure if you go tu law, you du not 
consider the appeals decrees of jurisdiction, the 
iuuicAte proceedmgs the knaveries, the craving 
of So many ravenous animals, duit will prev upou 
you! villainous harpies promoters, tipstaves, ^ 
and the like; none of vvhirti but will puff uw-ay 
the cictiresi right in the w irld for n bribe. tJn 
the other side, the proctor *hall side with your 
odversanr, and sell yonr cause for ready money : 
Your uOFocate shall be gained tlie same way, 
and shall not he found when your cause is to tie 
hciird. Law is n torment of all toniifiKs. 

Tkrijly, Ttwt's true: Why, what does the 
damned roi;ue reckon for his mule ? 

Sea, Why, for horses furniture, niulo, and la 
pay some swircB that are due to his Inridlndy, he 
dcuiniids and will huvr, two hundred pounds. 

Thriftif. Come, come, let's go to law. 
[TuKUiY walks tip and down in u great Aeaf.] 

Sea. Do but reilect upon 

Thr(ft^. I'll Z't Io Inw. 

5ro. Do not plunge yoursel f 

Thrifttf. To Jaw, 1 tell you. 

Sea. W hy, there's for procuration, prcsenlaliofk 
councils productions, prnctrirs nltciMlunco, and 
scribbling v.-iitt vulumesnf intrrn>;;atorics deposi- 
tions and nrticles, coiisultntioiiv ami pIcHdiiigs of 
doctors f'"" l'*^ register, substitute, judgments 
siptings — Kxpetlition fees bc&ides the v. 1st pre- 
sents to them and their wives, llniig't! I lie fel- 
low is out of emptoymeut; give bim the money, 
give him it, I hny ! 

Thrifiy. Wlint, two hundred pounds ! 

Sea. Ay, ay; why, you'll gain 160 1. by it, I 
Irnvc summed it up ; I say, ffve it him, rfaith 

Thriftif. What, two hundred pounds ! 

Sea. Ay; besitles, you ne'er tliiiik liow they'll 
mil at you in pleading, tell all your furiiicnlions 
bnstjirdmgs, and cnmmutini'S in their courts. 

'Jfirifiy. 1 defv them; let them tell uf my who- 
riii^^'tis the fasliiun ! 

Sea. Peace 1 here's tlie hrotlier. 

Thrifty. O Heaven ! what shall I do ? 



Enter Shift, dUguited like a BuUtf. 

Shift. Dainmc! whcre's this confounded dog, 
this feather of Uctaviaii f Null the marriage \ hy 
alt the honour of inj ancestors, I'll chine the vil- 
lain ! 

Thrijiy. Oh, oh ! 

[Hideg himself behind Scapin. 

Sea. He cares not, sir ; lie'il not gi?e the two 
hundred pounds. 

S^ijt. ay Heaven! he slioll be worm's meat 
within these two hours ! 

Sea. Sir, he has courage ; he fears you nut. 

T/irifiy. You lie, I have not courage; I du fear 
him mortHlly ! 

Shifi. He, he, he ! Ounds he ! would all his 
family were in him, I'd cut off root and branch. 
Dishonour my sister! This inliisguts! What 
fellow's that? hn! - 

Sea. Not be, sir. 

Shi/i. Nor none of his friends f 

Tnrifiif, No, sir ; hang him, I am his mortal 
enemy ! 

Shift. Art thou the enemy of that rascal ? 

Thrifttf. Oh ! ay, hang him Oh damned 

bully ! \_Aude. 

Shift. Give me thy hand, old boy ; the next sun 
shall not see the impudent ru^cai alive. 

Sea, He'll muster up all bis relations against 

Thriftjf. Do not provoke him, Scapin. 

Shift. Would tlicy were all here — ha, hn, ha ! 

[He forms every way with his suord. 

Here I had one through the lungs, thcru another 

into the heart : Ha ! there another into the guts : 

Ah, rogues! there I was with you— hah ! hah ! 

Sea. Hold, sir; we arc none of vour enemies. 

Shift, No, but I will find the villains out while 
my blnod is up ! I will destroy the whole family. 
Ha, ha, ha ! {Exit SurrV. 

Thrifty. Here, Scapin, I have two hundred 
guineas about me, take them. No more Co be 
■aid. Let me never sec his face again. Take 
tlicm, T say. This is the devil ! 

Sea. Will you not give them him yourself? 

Thrifty. No, no ! I will never see liim more : 
I shall not recover this these three months ! Sec 
Ute business done. I trust in thee, honest Sca- 
pin — I must repose somewhere — T am mightily 
out of order — A plague on alt bullies, I aay ! 

[Exit Thrifty. 

Sea. So, there's one dispatched ; I mui.t now 
iind out Gripe. He's here; how Heaven brings 
them into uiy iicrs, one after another ! 

Enter Gripe. 

Oh Ilcnren ! iinlookrd for misfcrtune — poor Mr 
Gripe, what wilr thog ttn ' 

rHV(,'A:s u(»ml distractedly. 

Gripe. Whfit's tliat lie i\t\s of nie ? 

Sea. U there nobody cuu tell me news of Mr 
Gripe ? 

Gripe. Who's there? Scapin! 

Sea. How I run up and down to find him to no 
purpose ! Oh ! sir, is there no way to hear of 
Mr Gripe ? 

Oripe. Art thoo blind ? I have been just under 
thy nose this hour. 

Sea. Sir 

Gripe, What's the matter? 

Sea. Oh I Sir, your son — 

Gripe. Ha, my son — 

Sea. Is fallen into the strangest misfortune in 
the world ! 

Gripe. What is it? 

Scu. I met him a while f^, disordered for 
bomcthing you Imd said to him, wherein you very 
idly made use of my name, and, seeking tn di- 
vert his melancholy, we went to walk upon the 
pier : Amongst other things, he took particular 
notice of a new caper in her full trim. The cap- 
tain invited us on board, and gave us the hand- 
somest collation I ever met with. 

Gripe. Well, aud where's the disaster of all 
this ? 

Sea. While we were eating, he put to sea; ond 
when we were a good distance from the shore, 
he disoivercd himself to be an English renegado, 
that was entertained in the Dutch service, and 
sent mcoff in his long-boat to tcU you, diat if 
you don't forthwith send him two hundred 
pounds, he'll carry away your son prisoner ; nay> 
for aught I know, hc'U' carry him a dave to Al- 

Gripe. How, in the devil's name ? two hun- 
dred pounds ! 

Sea. Yes, sir ; and more than that, he lias al- 
lowed mc but un hour's time ; you must advise 
quirkly what course to take, to save an only son t 

Gripe. What a devil had he to do a shipboard ? 
— Run quickly, Sciipin, and tell the villain, I'll 
send my lord chief justice's warrant after him. 

Sea. Ola! his warrant in the open sea ! d'ye 
think pirates are fools ? 

Gripe. I'lh' devil's namc^ what business had 
he a shipboard? 

Sea. There is an unlucky fate, that oflen hur- 
ries men to mischief, sir. 

Gripe. Scapin, thuu must now act the part of 
a faithful servant. 

Sea. As how, sip I 

Gripe. Th'iu must go bid the pirate send me 
my son, and stay as a pledge in his room, till I 
can raise the money. 

Sea. Alas, sir! thinic you the captain basso 
little wit as to accept of such a poor rascally fel- 
low as I am. instead of your ^on f 

Grijic. \^'^nlr the devil did he do a shipboard ? 

Sea. D'ye remember, sir, that you have but an 
hour's time ? 

Orif-e. T'loii sayest he demands 

iS(«.- Tw-i liiindird pounds. 

Gripc.^ wo hundred pounds ! Has the fellow 
no conscieuce ? 




Sn. O In ! ifte coMcietice of a pirate * why, 
«cnr (vw Invifu) capuuiik h»vv ■M^y. 

Onpe. I!u5 he noi reason ncilhcr? Doc4.lic 
luKHT wfau the Mini two hundnd puunils U i 

Sn. \e% Mr; lar(>ntvliii& are ii »iirl of people 
that underhand rii>^acy, llfiogti llvcf liitvc no 
pVAt •oquniiitoncc <ritli Ktisc. But, for Ilea- 
tm's Mikr, di>paich ! 

(rrifw; Ucr^ take Uw hejr of my counting* 

&c So ! 

Gr^r. Ami opm iL. 

Snib V'try komI ! 

Gfipe. Ill ihr U^fi-hitni) winduw lic« rh(^ kevof 
■tj garret ; s», t«^0 all the cliuhr^ lliut art- ui 
Ihe icreat chcvt, autl »eJI tfacm to ihc brotrrk to 
mlrvui uiy smi. 

&-•. Sir, you're mad ! I shan't net AOy shil- 
liuv> I'ur ill thut's (here* uod you know that I am 
Hniitcned for umr. 

Gript. What a dcril did ho do a ithipbiMin) ! 

Scm. Let •ht|]boMrd bIoiic, wid consider. Mr, 
^r «jn. But Heaven's my witness, 1 fintv 
doae fur biia a* miK'h a» was pw^blc ; and il' 
ht be not rcdceuieii, be may ibwik bu ffttiit:r'> 

Gn|p«. Well, »jr. HI ed ww if I caii rurse tlie 
aoticy — ttikk it run ninesrorc pouudi yuu spoLc 

Sra. No; two hnndrcd ptmoda. 
Grtpe. What, iwohundred poundi Dutch, ha? 
&«. No, lir : I mean Englisn fiKmey ; two hun- 
dnd pounds ^icrlinjT, 
Grtpfc r th* drriC* nnine, what busines* lintt 

Sen, \\{t^ ^piroaid MJcLs in l>u stonuii-h. 
GftftC. llubl, ;>rapiii '. I rcmrralKT I rerrivcd 
lite Trrr sum juit lu/w in ydid, hut did uvL lUiiilt 
Idioald hnvr pmricd with it ad soon. 
[fit mrtamti ScAPtn kU parte, but will not 
iti H ga : aud in hit traHBfwrlnKMtt, 
ptil/i All arm to and fro, ahiUt SckVis 
rfrntknut it, 
Sim. Af. »lr 
Cjri^. Uut (cU tbe captain be it Uie »bn of a 

&•«. Ye% •r. 

Gn^e. A da|;balt ! 

SriL 1 ^tiall. kir. 

Gnjpr, A thttfl a rvbber! and that he Torres 
Mf til put hina two buodrcd pooiKb coutrary to 
lU U« ijf eajuuy ! 

km. Sty, let me alone with him. 

Gripe. That I will oever forgive him, dead or 

Sea. very good. 

Grtpe. And that if ever I lii>hi on him, I'll 
murder him privalelvt and fccJ d»i:s with him. 

[ Ih- pHti up All parir, uid i$g<HHg ainij|ti| 

Gripe, Now, make baste, and go and redeem 

Sra. Ay; but d'ye bear»5ir? wbere's the mo- 

Oripr. Wni I niit eivc it tlwe ? 

Sra. Iiidted, sir, you made me bcltcvc yrm 
wmild, but you forgot, and put it in your p^ti't.ot 

Gnpr. Ila — my griefs and fcon for my son 
inaku me do I knovr nut what ! 

Sen- AVt Mr ; I m« li dnei iiid«fd. 

Gript, What a devil did be d-t a shipboard f 
dumncd pirate ! diuimed renctjade ! all llic di i il« ' 
m hell pursue ihe«! \Eiit. 

Si-a. How iiisily a miser swalhmrs a IfNid. und 
how ilitfirultly he dift^^orKes a Ki^ii ! Qu^ I'D >*oK 
kitvr hnn so; hc'<i hke to pny in other cuio, fur 
tclhng mles of me to bis xm. 

i,'»i/fr OriAViiN Afiif LtASPCR. 

Well, sir, I hnvc surccetled in your biiMnesa; 
tlierp's two hundred pounds^ which I have 54)nce»> 
ed out of your futher 

0(-( rnum^^aju Scapio ! 

Scu. But fur you t can do nothins. 

['/*<> LCAXDER. 

Lean. Then may I no hanji; mysolf. l-'rieodd 
boili, adieu ! 

•SVa. n'«c benr, d*>e bear? the devil h».t no 
such urcc««jty for you yet, that you oc«il ndo 
po4t. With much udo ISe got your buaiDcas 
dune, too. 

Lean. IVt powihir ? 

Sfa. But on condition that you prrtnit me to 
reveiiiie myself on your father, for lite trick he 
lias served me, 

Ijeun. With all my heart; at thy own discre> 
tion, i;iK>d himi?«t Smpin. 

Sta. Hold your hand; tlicrc's two hundred 

JL^aa. My thanks are too many to par now : 
Farewell, dear aon of Mercury, oiid tc pruvpcr- 

Sf«, Oramrrcv, Pupil. Hrnce we tafher. 
Give sou the money, hang up t'til'irr. 


Vm Hi 



[Or WAY. 

ACT m. 


Enter LrciJt and Ci.*n.\, 

Lac. Wiis cTcr aiitli n tnck played, for ns 
to niri nwnjr from our Rovcmrs^iCa, where oor 
mvtrul fntlirnt htul plact-ti us, to I'dIIqw n cutiple 
o( vuunc ertitlctimii, uiil^ lircaiine titey >aid tlicv 
lumt ii>? 1 lliuik 'cwas a very noble ciiterprize ! 
I mn nfraid ihr giiod furlune vc klmll get hy it, 
will \rrv hitrflly rccoinficnftv ihe rcpuutlun wc 
hnvp luii liT it. 

C/«. fliir iirtmiP-n Kit i-ifnr lion is ll"»t tlicv arc 

men uf fii^hion mid credit : iitid, for my part, 1 long 

nfp resolved not to many nny ollter, norwicli mi 

One neither, till [ Imd n p«-rfert ronfirmntion of 

I bis lot c ; nnd 't*as an osMirance of OctarioD't 

' llint brouplit in«- tiithtT. 

£•<-. I muKt cuiitcM, I liati no Icn k senie of 
the fnitfi Knd homiiir of Leundcr. 

Via. Bui seem* it imt wonderful, that the cir- 
cnnislanrw nf our fortune oliuuld be m> nenrly 
allied, (indour«clf9o iiiucli strnncers? BcMdcn. 
if I iniMnkc DDt, I ^oc Kniii'thioK in Leaiidtr. m) 
niurit rcseipblii'd a I'mtlicr nf mine uf the 
I -tatiir itaiiio. that, did not the time since I saw him 
make mc fearful, I shiinld be uficii Apt tu call 
hnti sn. 

Jmc. I Imvc a brother too, whose nameV 

Octnvinn, bred in Iinly, Kud just a^ my father 

Imik his rnyace, returned home; not knowina 

where to find me, I belierc n the reason 1 

have not seen luni yet. But if I deeeive not 

L'sny^elf, there \n f>nmetliin^ in your Octuvinn 

"that extremely refreahca luy mnmorjr of him. 

C/a. I wiih Me might be «i nnppy «» "c 

arc inclined to hope : but ihere'-) a stren^t. 

I blind fide in mir nature*, which always mnkea 

1^6 apt CO bvlicre, wlmt uc nwMt cnriiestly dc- 


Imc. I'bc worst, ut I'.istf is but to be forsaken 

by our fnlhers: And. for luy piirt, I h:id rwlliir 

l(iM> no uld fiuher tlian n younie lover, when I 

innir with reptttatioti keep him, nnd »M'iir« iny- 

self iif^inat llie imfio<>itu>n of futlK-rly Ktiitiority. 

eta. How umnHemhlc i« ir to be Micriticed to 

\ live nnits of n nniiu'(»ii<i hlnt-k he-ad, limt lw« iiu 

Dlhrr tcnie ihuii to cnl mid drink, when 'tis pro* 

ilrjdfd for him, ri^ in lite momiuy;, nnd p> to bed 

Ht nitht, and with inuUi ado be persuaded tu 

Icerji liiraM-lf clenn ! 

Lur. A Uiioi: of mere f\^*b nnd blood, nnd 
ibutnf the wnnil Mirl lixt, with n squinting mea£rc 
])ao)^du^ romitutnnce, that lool(& as if bt.' uliray* 
wnuted filiysic fur the worms. 

Cfv. Vet MH b llioir »illy parents are pencrallv 
n)o»t mduIrPiit to; like njje!, uevtr «> "t-il 
deaMd a» when the^ arc f<>uJling witli tltclr ii^ly 
Jmc. Twenty to ooe, but to wmc sodi char- 

ming creatures our carefal fathers bod designed 

eta. Pnrenti think they do their daui;liiort 
the treutcst kindness in ihfr world, when they 
itet them f<N>l9 for their husbnnds ; and yet lun 
Very apt tu tukc it ill, if they iiutkc tl>c right use 
of I hem. 

7,nc. I'd no more be bonnd to spend my days 
in niurrin4:c lu a f'xil, because I might rule hrim, 
than I uuiild ulivayi ride aii 9M, because lIib 
creature was «entli*. 

Citi. Sef, hen-'* Scnptn, i» full of de*igDi 
nnd afTura, as u callow ttati-uuau at a treaty of 

Enter ScAPt5. 

Sea. Lndies! 

Cla. Oh, mo»«icur f>niptn! What's the reason 
you have been but ti a stmtitcr of late i 

Sea. luith, ladiCN huimei^s busincM ha.'* taken 
up my time ; nnd trtdy I love an uctivt- hfr, U>v« 
my busin*-?*!! extremely. 

Luc. Mt-think^ thoujih, this should be a diffi- 
cult plaiT fur a m^in of ymir cxccllcncJca lo liiid 
emp'nymeni in. 

.S"n. Why faiih, mattam, I'm never shy to mw 
friends: My business is in short, like that of aFl 
other men of business, diligcntiy contriving how 
to pinv the knave, and cheat to e;et ati liunesi 

C'/s. Certainly men of wit and ports need 
never br dri%-en tn indirert aiursrs, 

tSra, Oh, tnudum ! nit ntid liomstr, like oil 
nnd vioecitr, wilb mucli iido mingle to^cdicr* 
give n rcn»)i to a ^nnd fortune, and pnss well 
t-'noiigh for sHucf-, but arc very thin fare of thent- 
4rlvcs. No, G;ive me your koave, your tlioroagb- 
paced knave ; hang Iub wit, so be be but rogue 

Luc. You're grown very much out of hunmor 
with wit, Scapin ; I hupc youn has done you no 
prejudice of late } 

.'<ctt. No, madam ; your men of wit are K°^ 
for infiliinc dull, Ur/y, restive snails; 'tis your 
uiKlcrtakinit, impudent, pushing fuol, that cutn- 
m:iiidft his fortune. 

CVu. You lire very open nnd plain in tlii«t pro- 
ceeding whtttever you arc la otliera. 

Sc«. Duuic K'lrtune, like mou other* of th« 
female mix (I ipcA nil tlii& with rcbpcct tu your 
ladyship), is cinciallv moist indulgent lu tbtt 
nimble mettled bluckfiriid^ ; men of hh are mit 
for Iter torn, cv»t tii«> thnncbtful whim they 
should l>e nctitc : Why, whu believer an v man 
of wit to Itave so much as courage? No, l*dif*s 
if yc'vc any Iricivds tliJit hope to rai^e lhcm*eJve«, 
adv iM^ them to Ite ns mucii fouls k« ihey t-un, nnd 
tlicy'll never witut pntn'Uit: And for honesty, if 
your liulyship tbiuk ^t tu retire a littk further. 

Or WAT. 3 



you thftU Me tne perfunn upon a gentlcmitn 
UnuS coouns this ivuv. 

C/iT. Pnthfc, Luritu let as retreat n little, and 
tmke thij opiwirtunity of *i.iu«; divert nicinenl, whicli 
kmi been vcrj scarce hire hiilicrUi. 

Enter SHirr, with a Sack. 

S-tf. OK Shift! 

Ml/. Spvnk iMJt too loud; my mulpr*9Comni|z. 

Seu- I'm ^ad aii't, t «hnll temli bim to bctruv 
Hie KUiEs of bb Iri^nd. If auy iqaii pots a 
ttiA upoo mc without return, oia,v I lt»e tlli^ 


Shift. I wonder Ht ihv t'olnur; thou art con- 
tfmtally icotunni( that ttod\ of thinp^ in tlif iii- 
<lignitv of bnu&cs, tuid iiuleccnl ba!>tiimdi)e». 

Sat. I>iriiciiltiet in udtciitures inukc ihi'in plcn- 
mxa. when a/cnmpltAlvrH. 

£A jff. But vour adventure^ how cmnicsl soever 
■n (hs bCf^oniDg, arc 5ure tu be tragical in the 

Sea. Tu oo matter ; I hate your pusillanimotu 

tfitnl : rr\'eit^e mid leclterT arc never »i plea- 

■at M wtirn you venture bard tur them : be- 

gaub ! Uere cornea wy uiaii, [£ra Siitri. 

£«/irr GftiPE. 

Oh. nr, fcir, flltift for yoiirseir! quickly tir! quick- 
ly lir ' for llravenS tnke ! 

Gripe. What's (lie mailer, mnn? 

Sea, tlenveo ! \s ihio a lime to ask questions? 
Will yoa be murdt-rcdinitantlyr I nm nfraid yuti 
will M killed within ihete two minutes I 

Cript. Mert-y on mc ! killed! fjrwlutt? 

Sft, ni«?»' lire e^*Tv where looting out for you. 

Grifft. SVho? Who? 

5r«. The broib^-r of her nlwni your ton luw 
stamcd ; licS a rnptiuu of u privateer, who has 
mil iorta of rogues Eiiqlish, &i:otrh, Welsh, Irish, 
Frvncfa, under bis ainitnaiul, iumIhII Wuvg in wuit 
uomt or ■varcfainit fur you in kill you, Iiccuums you 
would null the marrit^ : Tt)*.*v run up nod down, 
cnrinc Whrit: » the rouue Onnc? Where \f, the 
dof^ Where \\ the slave Gn|je? IVy nntrli 
lor ygu w narrow ty> that there's no getting home 
to vaur bouM!. 

Gnpc. Oil. Sc^pui! what »hall [ do? What 
will b^-ootnc of inef 

Sttt. \ay, llet^rcn kriows ; htit, il you come 
witbui their rruch, thi-y i*ill Oe \VU yuu ; llicy will 
te«r «uu in pici'et ! Ilark I 

Cripr. (I l^rd ! 

Sra. Hum ! 'tis none of them. 

Chpr. (.-anK thou tind no w)iy for nty 'escape, 

Scm. I think 1 have found one. 

Qrife. (JDod Scapiii, i^liow thyself a nmn, now. 

Stm. 1 aball veitturc being most inioKjidcratflY 

Oripe, Ocv ^cHpin, do: I will rewnrd thrc 
baaneoMlvi 111 ^ive thee thibtmii, when [ have 
*oni it eigpt or nioe iDoiitlu longer. 

Sat. listen I who are lltet«? 

GrtfTe. Uod forgive noc! LocmI have mercy 

llplll) 119 ! 

S'a. No, ihores nobody : Ixm>)(, if you'U save 
your life, ^o into thU sack prcseutly. 

Gri/ie. Oh ! »hn'B thercr 

Sea. NolwMly : (ict into the sack, and «t!r not, 
whatever happon* : I'll curry vuu as u bundle of 
Sotidk, ttiroiiKM all your enemies '" t'^; major*! 
'luuRe of tlie cuatle. 

Gripe. jiVn admirable invention! Oh, l.Ard!. 
quit:k. [Cffi intti (A<' *ack. ^ 

Sra. Yes, 'li« an etrellent invention, if \ou 
knew all. Keep in your head. Ob, here's a rogue 
ruming to look fur you ! 

Sc*pis rountrrfeitt a Wclthman. 

Do you hearf I prny tftiu f veherg is Leandet^t 
father^ took tfou f 

In hit otm voice. 

How should I know i What would you have 
with him t Lie close. [AtiJc tu Cuipe. 

//(ire uitA him ! AwJt _yoM, har Aoi no frtut 
pUiACit, hut her uoutii huie mlufartiOHS and rv' 
partitions, look f/ou^ for credit and konourt i hit 
St Taiy, he shall not put the injuries and ^- 
j'rOHtX UIHm my Ctiptuiut, hiok you noir. ur. 

He onroat the captain ! He meddles with no 

You hffy tir, look you, and hur mil give yrm 
hratitig* and chattitrmrnti for your contridic 
lions, rchtn hur Write plooiU up-, look ynw, And 
hur will cudfitl your pack and your nootleijor 
it i take you tkat, pray n'ttc. 

[Deat& ttie sack. 

Hold, hold; will jou murder mc r I know not 
where he is, not I. 

liiir will teach tauey jackt hoK they provoke 
hur WeUe ploodt and hur collars: and for the 
old rtfgiie-, hur will hate hit guts and his ptiiod^ 
look you, sir, or hur vitl never wtur leek upon St 
Tutys day more, look you. 

Oh! lie has mawled mc ! A damned Welsh 

Gripe. You! Tlie blows fell upoo my shoul- 
ders. Oh! 

Sea. Twas only the eml of the stick fell on 
you; tlic maiu substantial part of tlie cad(^I 
iijfhtcd on inc. 

Gripe. Why did you not stnnd further offi 

Sea. Peace — HiTc'3 uiollicr rogue. 

In a iMncathire dialeet. 

YawfoUee a»* th' tack there, done yaw kmiw 
uhcar th' au-d ruKol Griap it Y 

Not I ; but he is no ruM:al. 

Yaw Uen,yaw dtiuge : yuw knute weel rnutch 
u-heur he is, an yatcden tell, and that he ii ajotp 
ratcot as any in aw the town ; I't tell a th^ 
by'r lady. 

Not It sir; I know neither, not L 




By th^meuy an €nf tack thee in hont, ay's rad- 
dle the bones on thee ; ay't keeble thee to tome 

Me, sir ? I don't understand yoa. 

H hy^ that^rt hii mm, thaio 'hobbie ; Fli mite 
th^ naa a' thee. 

Huld» hold, sir ! what would yoa hne with 

Why, I tmin knock him down with my kibbOy 
the Jirst bawt to the fcrawnt, and then J mttn 
beat him to pap, by thT meis, and after ay mun 
cut off the lugs and noes on 'em, and ay root, h^U 
be a pretty ncatley feltee, bawt lugt and naet. 

Why, truly, sir, 1 know not where be is; but he 
Went du«D that lane. 

This hue, Miyn ye ? Ays find him, b/r lady, 
«tt he be above grawnt. 

So, he'b pone ; a danined Lancashire rascal ! 

Gripe. Oh, good Scapin ! go on quickly. 

[OaiPE pops in his head. 

Scapt Hold ; here's another. 

Jn an Irish tone. 

Doest thou hear, Sackman f I pritkee whare 
is that damned dog, Gripe Y 

Why, what's that to you? What know I? 

What's that to me, joy If By my tboul, joy, I 
mil tay a great bloj>< upon thy pate, and the de- 
vil take me, but 1 will make thee know tehare he 
is indeed, or I'll beat upon thee till thou dost 
knOK, by my salvation indeed. 

Ill not be beaten. 

Nov, the devil take me, I swear by him that 
made me, if thou dost not tell whare is Gripe, 
but 1 will beat thy father's child very much tn- 

What would you have me dni I cannot tell 
where he is. But what would jou have with 

What would I have with him 9 By my should 
tf 1 do see him, I will make murder upon him for 
tny captain's sake. 

Murder him ? Hell not be mnrdered. 

If I do lay my eyes upon him, Gad I will put 
my sword into his bottets, the devil take me in- 
dted. What hast thou in that sack, jcy f £^ 
tny solvation, I uiU look into it ! 

But you Uiall not. What have yon to do with 

By my soul, joy, I will put my rapier into it ! 

Gripe. Oh ! C5h ! 

What, it does grunt, by my salvation, the devil 
take me, I will see it indeed. 

You shall not see my sack ; III defend it with 
my life. 

Then I will make heat upon thy body; take 
that, joy, and that, and that, upon my soul, and 
so I do take my leave,joy. 

[Beats him in the sack. 

A pinguc on him, he's gone; he's almost kil- 
led me. 

Gripe. 1 can hold no loiter ; the blows all fell 
upon my slioulders ! 

Sea. You can't tell me; they fell on mine : oh 
my shoulders ! 

Gripe. Yours? Oh my shoulders ! 

Sea. Peace ! they're coming. 

In a hoarse seaman's voice. 

Where is the dog f FU lay Aim am fore and 
afi, smnge him with a cat-d~nine-tail, keel-kaulf 
and then hang hwi at the main-yard. 

In broken French English. 

If dere be no more men in Kngland, I viU kUl 
him ; I viU put im/ rapier iu- his body. I viU 
give him two tree pushe m de gutte. 

Here ScAPtv acts a number of them together. 

We must go this way — o^ the right hand 9 no, 
to th' left hand — lie close — search every whei^-^ 
by my salvation, I will kill the damned dog — and 
w€ do catch *em, w^ll tear 'em in pieces, and 1 
do hear he spent thick way — no, straight fan' 
ward. Hold, here is his man ; where it yomr 
master--Damn me, where 9 In hell f Speab-^_ 
Hold, not so furiously — and you don't tell ut 
where he is, w^tl murder thee 

Do what you will, gentlemen, I know not. 

Lay him on thick ; thwxKk him toundfy. 

Hold, hold ; do what you will, I will ne'er be- 
tray my roaster. 

Knock 'en down ; beat *en soundly ; to '«n, ai 
'en, at 'en, a t - — — 

[As he is going to strike. Gripe peept out, 
and Scapin takes to his heel*. 

Gripe. Oh, dog, traitor, villain ! Is this your 

Elot? Would you have murdered me, rogoe? 
Unheard of impudence ! 

Enter Turtfty. 

Oh, broAer Thrifty ! You come to see me loaden 
with di^roce; the villain Scapin has, as lam 
sensible now, cheated me of 30(d. Tliis beating 
brings all into my memory. 

Thrifty. The impudent varlet has gulled me 
of the same sum. 

Gripe. Nor was he contMit to take my money, 
but has abused me at that barbarous rate, that I 
am ashamed to tell it ; but he shall pay for it &e< 

Thriffy. But this is not all, brother ; one mis- 
fortune is the forerunner of another : Just now I 
have received letters from London, that both oar 
datiehters have run away from thetr governesses, 
with tv^-o wild debauched young fellows^ thatthej 
fell in love with. 

Enter Lccia and Clara. 

I.ttc. Was ever so malicious impudrnre seen? 
Ha ! Surely, if I mistake not, that should be my 


Cla. Aod tiir other mine, vrhom Scapiti has 
uird ihu*. 

Lkc Ulci* OK ! UctunK-d. «iMt we nut ktutw 

CU. Vfhmt vi\i\ they mj to And 119 here } 
Imc. My dmrcM I'uiher, wokame lo England. 
Tkttjkvf. Mjr duicltter Liicr ? 
L Xjm-. The Mine, »ir. 
L Qript, My Clura Ivm. too P 

j,CIk. Yetf Mt; aad twppy to tee your lafc ar^ 

Tl^iyjv What strange destiny his dirccttH 
diit happtHm^ to us ? 

Enfcr OcTAViAH. 
Gripe. Hey-ilay! 

r*ri^>v- OH, 90! I h«vc a wifr for you. 
Oct. (i()od father, all your profK>MUoa$ are 
i«io; ( niu»t needs be free, and tell yuu I ani 

TinOv. Look you noiv : is not tliis rery fine ' 
Now I iiB\« a tniml (11 be iia-iry, mid tu in.- 
intadi with yoii, vou'tl not let inc now, will 
Ton i I tell yon, Mr GripcS Hmutlitpr, here — 

Oct. m neuer uiiirry Mr (.iripc'^daughtpr, «ir, 
u IcHit* ifi I lite : Nu, yunder's Jic ttiat I niu^t 
LiKe, aod ca.n never entertain the thoughts of any 

CU. Yes, Octnvinn, I have at Inst met with 
iBy f«clier, and all our fears and troubles are at 

Thrifty. Lo yc now, you would be wi»er thnii 
die falliei (hat Wcot you, nnuld you? Did not I 
•bran My you should marry Mr rjripe'» dauglt- 
tir' Bui vnu dt* not know your mmit Luce. 

Oct. l'nli)<>kcd for blcsung ! Why^ ihc'h roy 
5irful I,cniiilcr'« wife f 
ThriOv How? I>eandcys wife f 
Cn/n. What! My son Leaudcr? 
Lkl. Yes. sir; vmtr vm Leander. 
Crt9f. Iiidee<l! Well, brother Tlirifty, 'tis 
true toe boy was alMay^ a itood-natured boy. — 
Well, nnw 1 nm so oierjoycd» that I could laugh 
liU 1 shoolt my ehtnilHers, but that 1 ihire not, 
iky tre to sore. Hut huk, here he cutuo. 

Enirr Lkander, 

Idmu ^, I b^L' your pardon; t fiod my mar- 
life 19 diflctArered ; n»r would I, indeed, have 
Iiitgn' conrealed it; this i» my nifc, I mu»t own 


Qnpe. Brother Thrifty, did yon ever see the 
lie' Jid you rrcr vev Hh' like ? h:i ! 

IVif>v. I fwn her. quotha! VVhy, kiss Iter, kiss 
^tBMQ : ndslKMlikhis when I wh^ n yunng t'el- 
kWiftiHj nut liPit Mi:iri|i-«1, I did iii>lliit>f cIm* Inr 
'^'" ' - O my cnh-ciciv^e, 1 not my boy 
'' ■■■e hrw n;'^ht» befiire the curtuii» 

'■ , • ..«»! 

'»'',*. Well, 'ti* hit frtther's nown child. Just 
•V I'f .^ber. w.n* ir .*ith in»* upon my weddiitc- 
^i ieould ttot look uiwd my dear uiilioui 

Unsliing;: but when we x^'ere n>bcd, Lord ha' 
mercy upim uk ! — but I'll no mnre. 

Jjcun, 1&, then, my fiitlM.-r rccunrilrd to me? 

GuBC. Reconciled to tlioe ! Why, I love thee 
at my ncart, man, at my bran ; why, 'lis my bi-o- 
flier rhril'ty'ti daughter, Mm Lucy, whuiu I al- 
ways designed for thy wife ; and that's ilty sister 
Clara, marned to Mr (X-m, there. 

Ltwn. Octavian, are we ttien brothers f There 
T4 D'jtiiinf* that I could have rather wi>>lied, nl'ter 
oimpteadngof my liappiness with roy charming 

Itiriflif. Come, sir, hiuig up yourcnmphments 
in the bail at huiue; tht-y arc old, and out of (a- 
sliinn. ^htft, e<J to tbc iim, and bMpoak a sup- 
per may cost mure nwoey thtn I have got to 
fHiy fur it, fur 1 am resolred to run in debt to- 

Shift. I shall fi\vs your oommnnds, sir. 

'Vhrtjiu. Then, <rve tirnr, M-ud nut and mus- 
ter up all the tiddlers, blind or not blind, drunk 
or wibfT, in the town ; let not 50 much a*! the 
rua»ter of tunes with his cracked cymbal in a 
ca^e, eftcnpe vou. 

Gripe. Well, what would I (^itc now for the 
fellow tliHt uui;s the soug iit my lord mayor's 
feast : I myself would make an epithalnmiiiin by 
wuv of sonnet, mid he nhonld M>t a tune to it ; 
it was the prctticBt'he hud lust tiuur. 

JDn/cr Slt. 

Sly, Oh, sentlcmcii, licrc is the strangest atxri- 
dent fatli-it otit ! 

Thrifti/. What's llie matter? 

Sh. Poor Scaiiin ! 

(jripe. I la ! Itoguc, let him be hanged ! I*[| 
hane him myself. 

Sfu. Oh, sir, tliat tmiihle you may *pnre ; for, 
passing by a pince where they were buUdiiif;, a 
great fttutie fell open Ins head, and broke his skull 
so, vou may bee Mm bnuiiii. 

fhriflv- Where is he? 

Sl\f. \ ondcr he comes. 

Enter Sr \v\ n betnern two, hi$ head wrnpt up in 
(inrn, at if he had hrru wounded. 

Sea. Oh nic ! Oh me ! <>ei)tlemen, you see 
me, you «ec me in a wd condition, cut off like a 
flower in the prime of my years; but yet I could 
(Kit die, without the panKin of those I have wruii^ 
(!d ; yes, i^ntlenieii, I licM-ecti you to fun^ve me 
all the injuries tlint I have done ; hut more espo 
ciallv I be<; of you, Mr Thrify, aud my gu^id mas- 
ter, M r Gripe. 

Thrifiif. For my part, I pardon thee freely ; 
e;i>, mil) die in |te:)oe. 

Sea. liut 'tM you, sir. 1 h&ie mo^t offended, 
by the inhuman twistinadocw whirh- 

Gripe. PndH.*e, speak no wire uf it ; 1 forgive 
thrc, too. 

.Si-o. Twas a most wicked insolence in me, lliat 
1 ahtiuld, with vik crabtrcc, cudgel 




Gripe. Pish ! no more ; I say I am aadsfied. 

Sea. And now so near my death, 'tis an inex- 
pressible ^ef that I should dare to lift my hand 
against - ■ 

Gripe. Hold thy peace, or die quiddy ; I tell 
thee I have forgot al l - 

iSco. Alas ! How good a man yoa are ! But, 
sir, d'ye pardon me freely, and from the bottom 
of your heart, those mercikss drubs thafc 

Gripe. Prithee, speak no more of it; I for- 
give tnee freely ; here's my hand apon*t. 

Sea. Oh, ur, how much your goodness re- 
vires me! 

{PuUt off" hit cap. 

Gripe. How*s that! Friend, take notice, I 
pardon thee ; bat 'tis upon cDnditioD, that you 
are sure to die. 

Sea. Oh me ! I begin to faint again. 

Thrifty. Come, fie, brother ! never let revenge 
emplo;^ 7<>ii)* tiiooghts now ; for^ve him, forgave 
him without any condition. 

Gripe. A deuce on% brother ! as I hope to bo 
saved, be beat me basely and scurvily, never stir 
he did : hut, ance you will have it so, I do for- 
give him. 

Thrifty. Now, then, let's to supper, and in oar 
mirth drown and forget all tnHibles. 

Sea. Ay, and let them cany me to the lower 
end of the table ; 

Where, in my chair of state, 111 sit at ease^ 

And eat and drii^, that Z may die m peace. 

{Exeunt nnen 


[Ui Bakkakd. 
Mb GaiirABo, brmtker to Mr BARBrAao. 
EkASTt's, in /ore vitk Mabiamke. 
DOKAJIT, «tm to Mn BaBKABD. 
Mox^lfcl'B LC MABQCIft. 

Babos at Measy. 

Jtft>o, eoiitim to Mn D«nHARa 

G)Li>, urvant to Mn Uabnabd. 

Cbaklt, a /t///c Aoy. 

&rT«<iJ <(i F.BAsn^s. 

TVrr Gt-nt!rntrnt /rififh to DoBAXt. 



£r(0- EaASTCSoRif hit tnuH, vitA Li»etta, Ma- 
BiAM!(c'» maid. 

Lu. OjccE toore I icll yr, sir, if you Irave aov 
toawlcntiun in ihe world for bcr, ywt must tic 
pMt ilti^ minute. 

£r«. My dear IJsrtta, let me but spenk to 
Ifr; kt me but ^ec li«r only ! 

III. Yon nmy ilo what you will ; hut not here, 
*4iil|t ^tni iLfc in DUr hou«e. I Ho hclicve «Iiv'b 
• nfwbcnt to «rc ynu, is you can be to tee tier; 

&•. Dat why won't you give us that ^tisfar- 
tim. tl,«-ii ? 
1a BeOBuw X koofr tlic conKiiucncc ; for, 

when you once get togcihcr, the deril himself Ib 
not able tu [Mirt vc ; yuu will slay to lun^ ti'l yuu 
nrc surprised, and wlmi will bci'oiue ol' us liiviif 

$rr. Why, clien we fthaJl be thrown out at the-' 
window, 1 auppoK i 

IJt. No; but [ *hall be turned out of door*. 

Km. How unfortunate aiu I ! these dnon ore 
open to all the wiirEd, niir) only shut. to me. 

tJt. Berau«e yuu eotne for a wife, atu) at our 
houfo we do not care for people that come for 

St. What would you hare ua come fiir, child ? 

Lis. Any thing but wives; because they canuoC 
bt: put oH' without portions. 

iirr Portions ! No, iio; ncicr talk of portions: 
tuy master uor I duu't want porlloiis; and, it' 




he'd (i>l\nv my mlvicc, a rt^mcDC of fuhcrs 
sliouiri not guard hrr. 

Us. Wliat bay ywi ? 

Scr. Why, if you'll contrive thai njT master 
inny run nway vrith your mistress 1 don't much 
cirv, fiiiili, ir I nin away with you. 

Im. Uiiit't you sij, rogue's tacc i But I hope to 
be belter pr<ii idrd for. 

Rra. Iluld yi)tir initgim. But where is Mnri- 
anine'ii hrotlier } lie is my bosom friuud, uiid 
wuuld be wilting (o icni? me. 

Iau I told yuu before, that lie has been abroad 

a liuntiuK* nuil we bu«'c ixit keen him tlictc itirve 

. days; he scldum livc*< at home, to avoid his Ik- 

IthcA ill hunicHir : ^o llinl it is not your nii^ln-s« 

'Only that uur old covetous cuff tci7c& thoreS 

no body in lite family but feels the efloris of his 

ill humour by his pxnl will lie would noi suf- 

frr a creature to come witbui his doors, or eat at 

his table and, if iKcre Ik hut n mbbit cxtra- 

ordiimry for diuner, he UiinLa bimMilf ruined for 

Era. Then, I find yon pau your tirac vastly 
comfiirtahly in thin family f 

Lit. Not Ml bad B« you imosinc, neither, pcr- 

aps; for, ibank Ik-nveD, we hiive a mi&ttt:6« 

' that's as bountiful u) he 13 btinf^y, one tliut will 

let him ^ay what lir will, and yet doei^ what she 

will. But luirk ! here's some body coming: it is 

certaioly he. 

Ftrn. Can't vnu hiile ns somewhere ? 

Us. Uere, lierc, get you in here its fast as you 

Sfr. Thrust me in, ton. 

[Putt Iktm into the efotct. 

Enter Mabiaunc 
Lit. O ! is it you ? 

Mar, $0, Linettn, where hove you been ? Tve 
been looking for \-c all o\er the tiouse : Who are 
ihiAe pL-uf}lc in the pardeo with my u)other-ui- 
Inw ? I believe my faibcr won't be very well 
pleaded lo ^et: ihcut there. 

IJt. Aod Itcre's sumc-budy el»e not far oiT^ thnt, 

I bditve, your fatlier won't be very well pleased 

Willi, neither. Come, sir, sir! [C^tls. 

[['!ra»tu^ and Aa Servatitt comt out. 

Mar, O UeHVcns \ \Crftt imt. 

Lit, Cumc, loTwa, I can allow you liutasltorl 

bout on't ihiA time; you nauM do your work with 

—iMc wliiiper, twit st|eh«, and a ktw; 

I hoMc, 1 say, and 1*11 Kaitd conlry liir ye in 

Ibe mean time. [Kjit Lih. 

Afar. Dojoo know wine you cspOM uic loi 

Enutus i Wtoit do yon ■Mraii! 

Era. To (he, madtuit \ aiuce you fccftiw »c 
, with bo little pleasure. 

Mir. Couttcter wfanc wvalAbenow of tat, if 
J Mtutt tlMoU me yiw hem. 
Mta. Wbttt woiiM yott bnve nie di>? 
Jfor. E«p«ct wiib paikoce >*rMne happy ttim 
•f tffidri ; mj motber-in-lmr is kiod and indul- 

gent to a miracle; and her fnrour, if welt m»- 
nitged, m."iy turn to our advantage ; and, ronld I 
iin'\ail upim myself to declare my paMiun tolier, 
I don't doubt but stie'd join in oor interest. 

Era. Well, since we've nothlt^ to fear from 
her, and your brotlier, you know, is roy iuuuiat« 
friend ; ynu may, tlterefurc, cuuccol me some- 
where about the house for a few days. HI creep 
into any Imle. 

Ser. Ay; but who mutt have the care of brinp- 
ini: OS victunls? \Afide. 

Era. Thrust us into the crllar, or up into the 
cariet : 1 don't cure where it >», »u that it be but 
under the same roof with you. 

^irr. But I d^ni't 6*y ^'^ for that jndc IJsetIa 
will have the feeding of u^ and I know wluu 

iiod of diet fJie keep^ 1 believe we shan't be 

like the fox in tlte fable ; our U-llies won't be so 
full but we shall be able to creep out at the same 
hole we pot in nl. 

Era. Most I U>eo be gutw? Must I rctuni to 
Pans ? 

Enter Lisetta. 

2Js. Yes; that you must, and immediate!/, 
too, for here's my nMStcr coming tn upon ye. 

Era. What shall I do ! 

IJt. Iletone this minute. 

Alar. Stay in the villiute'til! too hear from me; 
none of our family Itnow tlmt^ou are in it. 

Era. ^hnll I see yon HtMnPtnnirfi? 

Alar. 1 have not time to aniner you now. 

LU. Make haste-, I say; are yuu bewitched? 

Era. W ill yini write to rae f 

Mar. I will if I con. 

LiM. |}<i;one, i say ; is the devil in yon ? 

[Thrustinff EtiA^Tirs and hii ttrrant out. 
Come this way, your fatltcr's juM btcppittg is 
upon ns. ' (MreunL 


• EnterTdR BxtiiSAVLtt hetttiMgCoity. 

Air Bam. Ito^e ! raacal I did not I com- 
nutud you ? Did not I |^ve yuu my orders, sirrah i 

Ci>l. Why, you gnvc me orderi to let no body 
in ? mid niailntn, licr gives me nnlers to let f*vefy 
body in— "why, the deriJ tamicir can't pleiH 
you boalli, I think. 

Mr Bam. But, sinmh, yon must obey my ih* 
ders, nor her-*. 

Ci4. Why, iIm< genllel'iilks asked for her; iher 

did i»i>t ask. I'ttr you wb.a do yuu uuku audi 

a niisc about ? 

Mr ituni. For t)int reason, sirrah, you iboaU 
not luivc Irt ijicni in, 

Co/. Hold, ue; I'd rather Kie you nnfry ihaa 
her, tliul's true; for tttieu you're no^rv. you bav* 
ouly tJic dtvil in ye. but when untdtnn's iu a pa»- 
sion, s\iv )iH9 I lie devil and his ilunt ImjiIi. 

Mr ham. V'uu moat mind «hai I aay to you, 
sirrah, and obt.'y my orders. 

VvL Ay, ay, niuuler; but lac's oot quarrel 




wish ooe laoifier — you're «Iwajs in such a pligay 

Mr Barm, What arr tlicnc people tlut are just 

Col. Nay» that know mit I ; bni u fine volk 
cbcv mn as ever eye Mleid, Ur:i*tfn bli-fts tiiotn ! 

Mr Aim. Di'l v(i<i hetir ihrir names? 

Cci. NoMf WNi; but in a comh tticy kenn all 
limnaMvd with emiU), with i>ia breave huiN4>K, 
thfK like OH them i>e'er did I settvcmt — 'twould 
do A nifto'ft heart guivl to took on »ike tine bcu&t. 


Mr Barm. How many pcnoos arc there: I 
" L Vour; two as tiae men a^ ever wmnar 
and two m% dainty dcame^ as a man would 
to lay his lips to. 
Mr Bain. And all this crew sets up nc my 

CoL Nor, noa, measter; tUecnachman issnnr 
into the villai^e Co set up his coach at some inn. 
iuc \ told liim our onnrli>h(iaMr wa<i full uf v,i;:- 
px%: but be'll brim; buck l!ie mx Ju>r»es, fur I 
told him we had a rearjiiood i&tcahle. 

^r Bam. Did you w, raval i Did vtm an? 

f litati him. 

CaL Donnt, doant, sir : it would dn voii anud 
to tec sike cattle, i'faith ; lliey look ns if' they hnd 
ae'er kcpe Lent. 

Mr Bam. Then they shall Iram rrlJcion at 
W bome — Simth, do you Luke cnrc Lh(>T «iip 
wnbout oats to-nii:i)t — \Vbai will become o\ nic .' 
Socc I bought this damnetl couiirrv-ltou;*, I 
iftnd more m a summer than would maiutoia mc 
ancn years. 

CtU. Why, if you do spend tooneyi han't you 
(Dod ihini^ fur it^ Come they not to mc you the 
wbaW mtuiiry raund f Mind buw yuu'ru bL-liived, 


Mr Bam. Pox take such love !— How now, 
«ku da you want ? 

Enfrr I.isetta. 

Lis. Sir, there's Mme company in tlie |!;ard>Hn 
•iUi my miktrrs*, who desire Ut iec you. 

Mr Bitrn. Hit deiil take Uicm !' What busi- 
•e>s hare they hero ? Hut who arc ihev? 

iji. Why, »ir, tlierc's ibe (al ablmt that nl- 
wiys aits 9o laii|[ at dinner, and drink» hib two 
boutci by way of whcL 

Mr itom. I wish his church wu in his belly, 
riiat his gut» mii^ he ball' t'uU before be caiue — 
Aod who eUe? 

Im. TbcQ thcrc'i the vounc mart|uis, that won 
kll my Isily's money nt cards. 

Mr Barn. Pox rake- him toti * 

Ij^ 'nea there's the mcrfy lady that's always 
ia a nod humour, 

Jl& fi^ni. Very well. 

ti*. Ibcn there's ihc that threw down all roy 
Wdj's chia* t'utlier dnv, ntid htufdied nt it for a 


Ur Bam. Which I-pnid above fifty pounds 

for, in carncsfr— Very well ; and, pray, how did 
mndfun receive nil this line company? Wjtli a 
hearty welcome, and a trourtsy down to the 
ground) ba ? 

IJ*. No, indeed, sir; she was very ongry with 

Mr Barn, How ! An^ry with them, say yaiif 

Lis. Vc% indeed, sir ; for she expccied they 
would have Maid here » fortnight, but it seems 
things hnppcn so unluckily, titat tlicy can't stay 
lifro abme ten dnys. 

Mr tinrn. Ten days! bow! wbnt! four per- 
•Mms with a cf>ach and six. and a kenoal of hun- 
gry hounds in livcncs, to live upon me ten day* ! 

[Exit LtstiTA. 

£n/rr a Soidier. 
^o ! what do yoa wnnt ? 

Sut Sir, I oome from your tiepbewj captaio 

Mr Barn. Well, what does he wnntf 
So/. He civc* fiis service to vou,.<ur. and sends 
ytm word Umt he'll come and diue with you to- 

Mr Barn. Dine with mc ! No, no, friend; 
tell him I don't dine at all, to-momiw; it 19 my 
fast day; my wife died oii't. 

Sot. And lie has sent you here a pheasant and 
aouple r)t" pnrtridses. 

Mr Bum. How'4 that? a phea.<iatu and par- 
tndees say you? Let's sec; very iinc birds, tru- 
ly: let ine causider — ^to-mnrrow is 1 ot my fa**! 
•lay; i mistook ; trll my neplicw Iw shall l>c wel- 
cfiiue — Awl, d'vc hear? — f Po Cot-iw ] — Do vou 
take these fowl and liiiic tliem up in a coul place 
— imd take this soldier in. and make him drink — 
tnake liim drink, d'ye nee — u cup— «y, a ciip of 
small beer — d'ye hear ? 

CiJ. Yes, sir ; oome along ; our small beer is 
rcare |eo«mJ. 

&/. But, sir, he bade mc tell you, that hell 
brine I wo or three of his brnther officers nlong 
with him. 

Air Btim. Ilow't that ! OlTirers with him ! — 
Here, come bftck — lake the fnwis ncain ■ 1 dim't 
iline to-mi>rrow, and w tell him — [Givtt him the 
bmket.] — Go, go ! 

[ Thrtttt$ him out. 
SoL Sir, sir, that won't binder ihem fmro co- 
minx; for tbev rnired a liitle distoitce olT the 
rninp. and because your bouse is near them, sitf 
tbey resolve to i^jmc. 

Mr Bum. Go; begtJiie, sirmli !— — [T"Ar«jfj 
Aim ouf.]— 'I'hcrc's a rc^c. now, thi\i wnds me 
three lean carrion birds, and bring;* half » doteii 
larlcts to cat them ! 

Enter Mr OaiFFABD. 

Grif. Drotber, mIuii js the meanirat of these 
doinuHf II you lion't order your ntYairs better, 
you'll Jiavc your fowls taken out of your vcrv 
yard, and carried oway before your faci-. 





Mr Barn. Can 1 lielp it, brother? But whni'it 
the iDAltcr urm f 

Grit'. There's a piircel o( fellows lu»ve been 
itiiinhn^ about voiir cfoiindK all this mnming, 
broke down your livducs, utid are now cuiuiu|: 
into Tour houtie — Don't vrij heftr them ? 

Air Harn, No, no, Idoti't lienrtlicm: who arc 

Crif. Three or four r»ke-heUj officers ^^* 
your nephew at the hftad of them. 

Mr Harn. O tlic ruguo ! He mi)tht well sctxl 
oic fowls — but \3 it uut « vexntiuus thing, thnt I 
I juust ainml still and M-e ni>»clf plunik'rrd nt this 
Lrntc, auJ hnvc a cnrrioa uf a wife whu tiiiriks 1 
b«u|ht CO ttiunk utl iliLsc rni:ucs that couic to Hl- 
I Tour me ! Uut e-au't you advise me whnt'a tu be 
done in th» ca»e ? 

Grif. I wi^h 1 could ; for it px^ to mv heart 
Co »eo vrMi tJui» trmlecl by a crew of vemiin, \ah» 
think tiiey do you u t;n'ut deal of houour io ruin- 
I iof! t)f yiiu. 

Mr Barn. Can tbcrt be no way found to nv 
\ dnm this i 

Crif, If I were yoti, I'd Icarc thi^ houw quite, 
ftnd ^o to towu. 

Mr harn. What, nitd leave my wife btJiind 
me } Ay, lUal would be axndioc the maltcr, lo- 
L deed • 

GW/! Why don't you sell it, tlien? 
Mr Bam. UocaUM* nobody tviU buy it; it has 
tfit aK hud a natite as if the pliieuti Mcre in't; it 
huH Ixcn f^nlil over and over*, aiid every fatuily 
thai iias lived in it lias been ruined. 

Crif. I'ben tcod avBV all your beds and fur- 

nilurt^ e\i-cpl what is absolutely necessary for 

^ your own fouiily; you'll snvc suiucduug by ihnt, 

, for tlicn your gue^td caa't slay with you all ttij^hl, 


k^ Jlr fivni. Fve tried that already, and it MfC- 

infied nothing For tiicv all got druitk, aod 

[ lay in the barrt, aud oexi looming laugltcd it off 
for a frolic. 

Gnt'. Then there is but one reiucdy left that 
I out think of 

Mr Barn. What's thai? 

GriJ". Y'ou mii^t e'uti do wliat** done when a 
Mwii'4 on ttre ; bli)w up voor hnu-^i. lli:it rbe iuit»- 
ciatii luay run tio farilwr— Uut tth>) is tliin (;cit- 
iJonmn ? 

Mr Bum. I ncTer ww litm io mv life before; 
but. fond) thitt, i'll lM>ld filty pouiui he oumca to 
dine wtlh we. 

Enier thf Mjingtrd. 

Mur. My dear Mr Barnard, I'm your most 
bumhli- •4T%*ant ! 

Mf Harn. I don't di>ubt it, ur. 

Mar. What is the ineanuiKof ll*i^ Mr Iliir- 
uard? Ynu look as coldly upon iite as if 1 were 
n »traiii£cr. 

Mr Bam, Wby truly, air. I'm very mpt to du 
«o by \it:nom I otAW kiw lu my life before. 

Mar. You muftt know, Mr Barnard, Vm came 
on purpoM> tu driuk a b-ittle with Vuu. 

Air barn. 1 hnr may be, sir; but it happetu 
thai at thin linu: 1 nin not nt all dry. 

Mar. I left ibc hidniB at car^» waiting fnr 
sopptr; for my part I never pinv; mi I came to 
see my dear .\Ir Itnnmrd 1 and, I'll assure you, I 
undertook ihit journey only to bavx the houour 
of your ncqu;untuiicc. 

Mr Barn. You might hare spared yourself 
that tniubic, fir. 

Mar. Dnn't vou know, Mr Damord, tbnt tbit 
bouse of yours I* n little I'aradiae? 

Mr Harn. Tiieu rot lue if it be, sir ! 

Mar. For my part, I think a pretty retreat in 
the ciiuiitrv is one uf the ^^-eate^t ci>mforu in 
life — I suppote you never want good company, 
Mr Burnard f 

Mr Barn. No. Kir, I never vranl mmpnny ; for 
you muiit know 1 love ven,' uiuch to be aloue. 

Mar. Goi'd wine you must keep^ aborc all 
Uiiii^*. — with'Hit rood wine and good cheer, 1 
would not (:ivca fag for tlic country. 

Mr Mara. Really, iiir, my »inc a the worst 
you ever drank in >'Hir life, aud you'll Knd roy 
chi.-er but %*en' iiidillereitT. 

Mar. No umitcr, no matter. Mr Barnard. Tv* 
hennJ iHUcb of your hospitality ; thereV a plentiful 
tnhle in tout \imA.s — uiid }uur wife ik ceriaiidy 
one of the l>cst women in the world. 

Mr Bam. Hot me if «lw be, sir ! 

Enter CuUK. 

Col. Sir, sir ! vonder'<( the Imnm de Money 
ba& lust his fauwlc in our i:nrden; lie sn><t it » 

fiert'heit upon one of the trees; moy we let bim 
lave'n agnin, sir? 

Atr Barn. fJo tell him, that 

Coi. Nay, you may teil him yourself, for htfT 
he comes. 

Entfr the Baron de Messy. 

Sir, I'm your moat humble servant, and ask yon 
u tlioussnd pardoiii, that 1 •thouLd live M) long in 
your ocigbtourbood, and come upon »uch an oo 
cu«i<>ii as lbi«, to [lay yuu my first rwpeeifi. 

Mr Barn. It i^ very well, ur: but, I think 
people may be very good ncighboursi, without *'*• 
)iline one another. 

liiifttu. Prtiv. how tlo yon like our oountnr ? 

Mr Bam. Slut nt all ; I'm iiuite tired unV 

2\htr. Is it ni>t the Uaronf [.(Jmc^.J It thOf^ 
taiiilv be. 

Huron, Uuw ! ray dear marquis ! lei me tm- 
bruce you. 

Mar. My dear baroii, let me kis» you ! 

[Theif run, und mtbratt. 

Baron. We Imve not seen one another siiMe 
we were scliool-fcilowj, Irefure ! 

Mar. 'Ibc bnpinest n-liconirc I 

Out'. 'Ihcsc geutlcmeu seem to be very wtll 




Mr Barn, Yes ; bot I luiow neither one nor 
dottier of tbem. 

Mmr. Btron, let me pniwiit to ymi one of the 
beu-fMCBrad men in ihe wnrtil ! Mr Brinianl htrr, 

llic Ainrvr of hi>!>pitntiiy .' 1 cungnitulatc ^'ou 

lyon iMring n gpod o iieighbtiir. 

■■ Bmn. Sir! 

OH. It M an ndrantnge T am proud o(. 
Barn. Sir ! 

3Cir. Cookc, gcntlctnrn, yoa must be vj^rv iii- 
ttmate. Let me have the lionour of bringing ^ou 
better ncriuitinted. 

Mr Barit. S,r! 

Baron. Dt-ar marqiiis I shall take it as a fa- 
V0tf» ifjrou'U du me iJial honuur. 

Mr Bern. Sir ! 

Mmr. With aJl m-r heart — Come, b«ran, now 
TOU Are herv, we cnn mwkc up the must ugr^t^ 

»hle corapwi/ in the world I'mih ! yoa »h;iil 

ibir mild pain a ftrvt t\nys wiih m. 

Ur Barn. .Mettiioks now, ilii^^no of a whore 
daei die hnnours of my liouse to a mirarlc ! 

Baroa, I dmi't know what to My, but I sliould 
be *ery ^d you'd eictisc me. 

if«r. Foiili. t cnn't ! 

Barom, Dear inarnnis ! 

Jlf«r. E^l. I ««oiii ! 

Barom. Well, •>inre it m\M be so Out here 

. tbe lady of ttic family. 

Enter Mrs Bahkard. 
Mar. Madam, let me present you to the flower 

Banm. Madam, I tihnll think mysett' the>- 
pini |Hnon in the world in your Inilybhip's iic- 
^■iriiBMCc ; and the little estate I hnvc m titxs 
tmanay, 1 etteem m'>rc iluin nit the rcit^ btcaust 
■I Im M ofar yuur lndy<ihip. 

Mr Bam. S«r, your mou bumble servant. 

Mar. Madam, Uic barun dc Mes^y ih the best 
haaoarcd maa in (he world. I've prevuilcd uiUi 
iim tu pre us hiseompuny n few day^. 

Mn Barm. I'm j,ure you could not oblige Mr 
Bhraard or me mori.-. 

Mr Bam, That's a damned lie, I'm sore ! 


Btr<ii Vm sorry,madatn, [ cnn't ticcept of tlic- 
fcnaoar -'for it falU out 90 unluckily, that I've 
•Baa btbes at my lious^ that [ can't pos-^^ihly 

iimr. No matter. »o matter, baron ; you have 
b^ at ynur borne, wc have ladies at our tinuiie 

— Jet^s foin oamiiaiiics Come, let's send for 

tea UMmMliatdir— tlie more tlie merrier. 

Mr Bmm. An ndmirable esprdicuL, truly ! 

Abwr. Well, uucc it musi be sn, I'll ^u for 

Mtr. MiJm haste, dear baroo; for ve shall 
W aipatieot for your return. 

titrtn. Madam, your most bumble senrani — 
fe« 1 won't take my leave of ymi — 1 ikliull le 
Wck tpn inuDcd'ut'el^.-^ — Alonsicur Buronrd, 

I'm your sin^i bumble sorvant : Since you will 
luive it at, I'll ri'tiini tt* toim as po^^ibli*. 

il/r tiorn. I Imve It so ! '^Imd, sir ! you may 
stay osluu); as ye plcow! : Vm in no hu<it4r for yo.J 
[Eieunt Bahow tinitf MAnot'IS,a 

Madnm, you arc the cause thnt I am not mii»- J 
ler I't" my own JHMUie. 

Mrt Barn. Will yoo nerer learn to be reasoo- 
nblc, busbuod P 

The Marquis rtturru. 

Mar. The baron is the be^t liinnoured ronn io 
the world; only a little too rcreiiiiuiious, iliat's ull 
— I lore to be free Biid gcnemus — Since I camo 
to Pnris, I've rf^fnmicd linlf the court 

Mr I Bani. -Vou are ufthe must agreeable ba* 
niour in llie world, manjui*. 

Mar. Always merry But «hat have you 

done with the ladies ? 

Mm linnt. I Irftihetn at cards. 

Mar. Well, I'll wait upon tlipin — but, madam, 
let lue desire yo« not to put yoursrlf to any ex- 

tmordintiry exjwnctt upiui our ai-ciiutils You 

inu?it consider wc hnt^ muretlian one day to lirct 

Mrs Barn. You arc pleased tu be merry, mar- 

Miir. Treat us without ceremony; good wina ' 
and unullry yon have of your own ; wild fowl 

and ^l^h ore bronchi to your door. You nccH 

not M.-nd nhroad for miy thing hut a piece of butr 
chcr's lucnt, or so Let us Imve no eilraordi- 
nnrtcs. [£jiY. 

Mr Burn. If I had the feeding of you, a thuiH 
dtT-holt ;ihoiiId Iw your supper ! 

Mrs Burn. Husband, will you iicircr chniiRe 
your humour? If you ^u on at (liis ruto, tt will 
be impossible to lire with ye. 

Mr Barn. Very trtie; for, in a little time, I 
sbnil iuiie noibini; (0 live uprm ! 

Mn Barn. Do you know what a ridiculoos fi- 
i;ore vou make* 

Mr Barn. You'll make a urcat deal worse, 
when yutj lum't money enough to pny fur tbe 
washing of your sliifts. 

Mrt Barn. It seems you married me only to 
dishonour me ; How horrible is this ! 

Mr Bfirn. I tell ye, you'll ruin me ! Do yoq 
know how nmcli money you spend in a year ? 

Mn Burn. Not I, truly i I don't uadcrstand 

Mr Banu Arithmetic ! O lud, O tud ! Is it so 
hard 10 comprehend, tlial he* ^ho receives but 
sispencet and spends a nhtllin^, inu^t tic ruined 
in the end ? 

Mn Barn. I never troubled my heiwl with ac» 
counts nor never will : Bui if ye did hut know 
what ridiculous tliina* the world !tii_v»of yc 

Mr Burn. Hm the M'firkj ! — Twill say worse 
of me when I'm in a jail ! 

Mn Bam. A verj- Christiaiv-like saving, tmljr! 

Mr Barn. Duq't tell me ui' CluiMiaii — Aos* 




bud f rtl turn Jew ; ind no body ^ball eat at my 
table that ii not circumdsed. 

£at«r LiSETTA. 

U$. MaAKta, therc\ the ducbeis of Twamt- 
dilki juftt fel! down near our door ; her cuacli u u* 

Jif r( Barn. I hope her grace has received iw 

JUi. No. niadAftk ; hat lier coacfi is hroke. 

jUf iiir«. I'beii, thcreS n ?inith in town may 
uifiid it. 

/ai. Thev wiv, 'twiU require two or three day* 
to tit it up at:aiii. 

Mn iStirn. Tin ulwJ iin't, with all mv heart; 
for llwit 1 JhiiU cni(»* iltc jiltiisiin? of her gmceV 
guod ('oni|iiUiy. I'll «ii't upon her, 

3fr ham. Very tliic dymgi ihi*? 

[Esatnt tcveralfy^ 

ACT n. 

Enirr Ma Barnard. 

Afr Bam. lltAVts Itc iidw my comfort, for 
•nv hnu'* is hdl I [S/arr*.] W'hn's tlicrc? wliat 
do you wont f who arc you? 

Enter Strvant^ mtk a portmuHteau. 

Ser. Sir, here's your rr)u»ii Januo, and cousin 
Idawiia, corae from Paris. 

JItfr Bariu What a plague do they waiitf 

Eatrr Janao, leading in Mawkik. 

Jnn. Come, s«tcr, come along O, here's 

cousin Barnard! Cousin Barnard, _v<wir wr- 

Tant — Here's my Mster MawLio, oud I, arc come 
to tec you. 

Mmm. Ay, tou«o, hcrr's bmthn- Janno and I 
an; come from Paris to we you : l*ray, bow does 
aiu&iii Mnriarane da* 

Jan. My si<kti>r and I wan*nt well at Paris; >o 
mv father itent us here for two or throe weeki to 
take a little country air. 

AJr Bum. You cuuld not come to a worse 
place ; fur this is tlw wor^t air in the whole ooun- 

Ua», Nay ; I'm «ure my father says it is the 

Mr Bant. Vou father's a fool ! I lell ye, 'tis 
the worst. 

Jiin. Nny, cousin, I fancy your inUtaken, 
itow ; fur I hcpn to find ray stomach corae to 
ine already ; in a f(irlut|;ht'9 lime, you sluUI bcfi 
how III lay about mc. 

Mr Barn. I don't at all doubt it. 

j|f«a'. Father would hn^e sent ualrr Flip, and 
little brother Humphrey ; but the caln»h mould 
not botd uf) nil : aikd vj they don't come till to- 
raorrow with motlier. 

Jim. Come, sister, let's ptit up our thinc> in 
our chamber; and, after yim have washed my 
fare, and put rae on a clean neckduth, we'll ep 
in, aiid sec how our cnu<4u± do. 

Jfatr. Ay, come alung ; well go and ace ecu- 
en Muriamne. 

Jiirt. Cousin, we shan't uiveyou mudi trouble; 
one bed will irrve us; for sirtcr Mawkin and I 
Idwayi fie lugetlier. 

MoK. But, cousin, mother firoys Tot», that 
you'd order a little cock-brdth for brother Jauno 
and 1, to be £!ot rcudy u.s xton Ds m.iy he. 

Ja». Av, fl-pro)i'». it'usin Baninni, tlmi'^ti-iie; 
inv motlie'r ilcsirei, tlutt wc mny have umw cuck- 
brutli, to drink two ur dirte times n-dny b<tx»c«n 
mealti^ for -.uv si*.ler and 1 an? sick folk*. 

Atun. And *ome younj: « hu-kcn», too. the doe^ 
tor saidf would \atu^ us to our siomachft Tei^r 

Jun. Yoo 6b, now, -liMer; it wnn'nt yfva% 
chickens an it wuu'iil— it was plump partridgm* 
sure, the doctor said m. 

Mutt. Ay, w it vtas, brother,-^— Come, let's 
go ill, and »ee tnir coumiis. 

Jan. Ay, crime aluntt, M4ter — Cousin Bariuiid^ 
don't forget the cock-liroih. 

[flinmt 3asso »»d Miwaia. 

Mr Ham. WImt ilic ric\il dws all this mean 

Mother, and *.i*ter Mip, anil little brother 

lliniiiihrrv,' and duckcus, and pnrtrid^cSt and 
cock-brotfi, and Are from hell lo dress ihem all \ 


Col. O incaster, O mcfiMer!— Yoiini noCduiie 
to-dav, as vou are u#en to do; no marry, will yOH 
not : See, now, what it is to be wibcr dmn oe«'s 

Mr Bnrn. What would this fool lia»c? 

Cot Whv, tliankk, and money lo>boot, auMk 
were grateful. 

Mr Bam. What'* dir matter ? 

Co/. Why, the matter is, if you hii^e L'ood store 
of company in vour hou!«, you liave |;uud sion 
uf meat lo put m (heir bcilicSk 

Mr harv. How M)? Iiow SO? 

CW. Why, B lurfre and <4iitely stap. with a pair 
of horns on hi« ii»-tif!. Heaven bless you! yoar 
woiship raiplii be steii to «cnr them— comes a^ 
wardii our K<-nt, a putliiii: and hlawiii^ like a row 

iu hard labour Now, suys I t*> nivwlf, sau I» 

if my men-HU-r rt-fu!* to let this fine yixiih (wae 

lit — v>liy, then he's a fjiol, d'ye sce^ Sol opem 

him tliegeat.puIUoffiny hat withbiilhuiy hnmhi 
nnd wi<l, r"» r*- wctrmnc, kind iir, lo our buuir. 

JMr Bant. Well, well! 

Coi Well, well? ny, and iw> it is well, as ww 
shall straight way find— !fo in he trots, and maUt 



diRCtly towards oiir bam, anil goea boance, 
bMutce, againtl ih« dtwr, m bolilly u if he had 

bees BMuter oai he iurns'«u about, and 

ttiawcks'n down in the itmw ; m w\vt would say. 

l>cre will I lay inc tdl Uwiwrrow luoniing 

But be Imu) do foul to deal with ; tor to the kit- 
cfacD goes I, and ukes me down a musket, and, 
wiifa a hreaoe uf bulls 1 hiu'n «.urh a slnp ici the 
fcace, that he ne'er apnke a word more to me. — 
Have I dune well or no, roeasterf 

Mr Bam, Ye>y you have done very well for 

Coi Bat thu was doc all ; for a parcel of dofs 
cane yelping after lt»eir otmpiuiion, as I bup- 
pose; M 1 goe» to the back yard-door, and as 
many as came by, Shu, Mjrs 1, uid drove tb<:ni in- 
to the geardeo— So there they art, w bnfv as 

in a pawod- Ha, ha ! But I can't but ihiiiL 

uhic a power of paMJes we idudt have nt our 
bouw — Ha, haf [E-rit Cm in. 

Air fittfit. 1 tutu Prnvideocc lak(*» MHiir care 
of me : thu could never have bappcDcd in a bet- 
ler time. 

Enter Cook. 

Cook. Sir, sir ! in the name of wonder, what do 
yo« ntean r in it by y<nir orders that all those 
doB weiT let into the garden i 

Mr Barm. How! 

CooJL I believe there'* forty or fifty dof^i tcar- 
iaf ap the lettuce and cabbage by the ruoi. 1 be- 
lieve, before tlicy have done, they'll rout up the 
whole nrden. 

iirBam. Iliis is that rogue's d(jiLi|!;&. 

Cook, This was not all, sir,; for three or fotir 
of dMm came into llte kitchen, ami tore httlf the 
meat off the spit that was for vuur worohip'tt sup- 

20- Bam. Hie very dogs pla^e me I 

Cook. And then there's a crew of hungry foot- 
BMoi who devoured what the dogs left ; so that 
there's oot a bit left for your worship's f>uppcr, 
Bol a scrap, not one morsel, sir ! [Ejit Cook. 

Mr Bern, ^re I sliatt hit on some way to 
get nd of this crew ! 


M van 

Enter CoLiif . 


C<J. Sir, sir ! hcre'« tbf; devil tn do without 
yonder; a parcel tif fellows swear they'll have 
oar venison, and s*blead I sweur llicy shall 
Inc nooe on't; so stand to your arms, nieaster. 

Mr Bmm. Ay, you're doue finelv. rogue, ras- 
al. have you nnt f [Beating him. 

CoL 'Sbtead, I tay they shan't have our veni- 
KA. ru die before I'll part wtth it. [Esit. 

£a/«r GaifrABD. 

Grif. Brother, tliere's some i^ntlemon within 
Mk for vou. 
Mr (torn. What geotlenien ! Who are ihcy t 
Crtf. Tbc sentleascD that have been hunting 

all this morning; the/re now gone up to yoor 
wife's chamber. 

Hr Ham. Tbc devil jjo with them ! 

Orif. There's but one way to get rid of tliU 
[iluguu, and that i&, as I told you before, to set 
your house on fire. 

jlfr Bam. That's doir^ myself an injury, not 

Grif. There's dogs, horses, masters and ser^ 
vants, all tnteiid t4» stay here 'till to-morrow 
morning, that they may be near the wiMds to 
launt the earlier — besides (I over-heard theni) 
they're in o kind of plot n^inst you. 

Air Barn. What did ibcy say? 

f/W/' You'll be more angry (f I should tetl yc, 
than 1 am. 

jifr Bant. Can I be more attjfry ? 

On/. Tlity said then, that it was the greatest 
pleasure in the »«orld to ruin an old lawytrr in 
ttie country, who had got an estate by ruining 
h(tiH>st people in town, 

Mr Barn. There's rogues for ye ! 

Grif. I'm mistaken if they don't play yoa 
some trick or otlier. 

IfJr Ham. Hold, let me consider. 

Grif. What are you doinp? 

Mr Born. I'm conceirini;; I shall bring forth 

iiresenily -oh, 1 have it ! it cniucs from 

Iwiice; U'it was its father, and liiveoti'm it* mo- 
ther : if [ had thought on't sooner, I should have 
bt-fii happy. 

Grif. What is it? 

Mr Bam. Come, come along, I say ; you must 
lielp me to put it in execution. 

Enter LlSETTA. 

Lit. Sir, my mtstre^ desires you tn walk nn ; 
she is oot able, by herself, to pay the civilities 
due to ■«> much good amijMuiy. 

Mr Bam. ii the camon ! What, does she 

ftlay her jests upon me, kmj f but mum ; he 
aii)i}is licst that lan^hs last, 
Xii. What »liall 1 tell her, sir? will you come t 
Mr Barn. Yes, yes; tell her Fll come with a 
pox to her * 

[Eieunl Mr BAR:iARi) and Griffaro. 
Lii. Nay, I don't wonder he -tliould he nn<^ 
— llicy do try his patience, that's the truth on't. 

£ii/er MAniAUNc 

What, madam, have you left your mother and 
tlte company { 

Mar. So much tittle tattle males my head 
ache ; I don't wonder my fnther should not love 
the country^ for, beudes tlie vxpcncii he's at, he 
never enjoys a minute's, quiet. 

Lis. But li-t's talk of your own affairs — hare 
you writ to your lover ? 

Mar. No, for I have not had time since I saw 

Lis. Now you have time, then, about it im- 
mediately, for he's a sort of a dcspt^raic spark, 
and B body does oot know what he mtiy du, if lio 


•hould not hear Cram tad ; bnidc^, \nti prumiwd 
him, and ynu mmt bcnavc yoiir<ieir^e:i tvumaji 
of lunTOur, Hiid keep your word. 
JUsr. rU about it ihb rainote. 

Enter Cu-iRi.r. 

Cluf, Cousin, cousin. rqiiNa ! where nre you 
going ? Come back, I hare somcthiog to say Co 

ii'j. Wiftt dijTs this troubIr«iine boy want ? 

Chnr. W'liQiS ttiat to you what i wnnl ? prr- 
hftfm 1 liav'c MMtkclhiDg to 5a\ to her thut will 
ninkc her kiuyli— — — why sure I what need you 

Atar. Don't niub my cousin Charly— -well, 
whnt IS it ? 

C/iar. Who do you Utink I met, oh I ivrk com- 
-inc; Iwre, hut tlmt nandsoiiK uciitlcrmn I've seen 
at t'burch o^le voii likr any devil ! 

a«r. Hui«h r softlv, couitn. 

2J*. Noi s woni of that for your life. 

Char. U, 1 know I should not epcnk on't be- 
fore fdUu ; jou know I nuiiie w^na to you ahovp, 
that 1 nantcd to spcDk to you in |>nrate, didn't 
Ij cousin f 

Mar. Y«, yes ; I «aw you. 

t'Ajir. Vou Jce I cnn keep n srcrcl 1 nni 

110 luri, iiiuii 1 believe I could tell ye fifty, 

and tiftv tu (but of my siller (.'ici'ly O -ihe'-i 

the licvil of n girl ! but site nivc* mi* inonev 

and sugar-pluiiihf — and (hoso ilint arc kind to 
IOC fare ihc better for it, yuu set*, coumo. 

iUr. I abvays Mid my coubiit Cbarly was a 
|gpod-nniurcd boy. 

JJs. Wf U, an^ did he know vou } 

Char. Vc-», 1 think he did kikiw mc — for he 
look me in his uniis, and did «o hu)* iiiu imd kivt 
BMT — between you atid I, cousin, I hclietc lie is 
one of tiK' b<^»t fncnd» 1 have in the world. 

Mur. Well, hut wbnt did lie tny to you ? 

Char. Why, he R&ked lue whcir I naa i:oing — 
I tuld hiiD 1 was comini! to see you — ywi'rc n 
lyiaiC youo{( rogue, )>ny« be, I'm sure v'hi dure 

, nut uo see your rouun* lor, yuu must know 

ny sister was with nic, and it seems be lonk 

' fof a crack, and I being a forward hor, 
lie fiiiiciod I was goiog to make love to bcr uudcr 
a hc-d^c, ha, ho ! 

Mar, So— 

Char. So he offered to lay mc a louis d'or that 
LX was not cumins to ynu ; bo» done, says I — 
1 Done, »ay> he — imd hi 'twas a bctt, yuu kmiw. 

Ittar. Certainly. 

Char. So, my uftter's honour being concerned, 
and having a mind to win his luui^ d'or, d'ye mt 
— I bid liiin fulloM me, tlial he might m-c wfirllier 
I came in or no— but lie ^d be'd wait for mc nt 
the little ^nlf'ii g»te ihar ojicon into the lielitn, 
and if I would cfirn*^ through die bouM and mcrt 
him tlieiT, be should know by that wbethcr 1 bad 
W^n ill or no. 


jl^or. Very well. 

Chur. Su I went there, opened ibc gate, and 
let liini in^ 

Mar. What tlica? 

Char. Why, then be paid mc the loub d'or^ 
thai'« all 

Mar. Why, that was bone^y done, 

Char. Ami llien Ik; tulltrd to inc of you. 

Mar. B>it nnt this all } 

Chitr. No, for he hod a mind, you n)u»t know^ 
to win bis iuui» d'or back iieaiii ; so lie Inid luc 
iiiiotliir, tiiut [ dare not ruiue Inirk, and tell you 
that he was there — w, cousin, 1 liope yoa won't 
let m«' l<>se. for if vou don't pi to him, and icU 
him ihnt I've won, lie won't pay nic. 

Mar. Wbut, wuuld yuu have uc go and speak 
to a mail ? 

Char. Mot for any luirm, but to win your poor 
cniiAin n lonis dor. I'm sure vou will— for 
Yi>u*rv a inodt^t youug numau, nod may go witb* 
out danger. I'll »vvear you must, 

Mar. Wliat docs the yuuu;; rogue incauJ 1 
s^vf ar I'll linvc von wlijpt. 

\^x<utU CuASLT and Mabiaukb. 

Knter Colik. 

C>'t. Ila, ha, lia ! our old ciiitleinanS a **>(&■ 
i'failh ! Iii-'ll be eveii tvilh ibctii for all thi^— 
ha. Iia, lui ! 

Im. W|int*» the mailer? What does the fool 
lautth at ? 

Co/. We an't in our bouse now, Litetu; we're 
in nn inn ; ha, hu ! 

Xif, How in an inu? 

CoL Yt-!i, lu Hii inn ; my meastrr bas ftotten 
an rild rusty •iw-ord, and liunp it up at our ent* 
mid wnt undcrtirnlb wirh n piece of charcoal^ 
witli bis own lair hand, * At ibc Sword Rojral; 
enterlniniucnt fur uiuii and bone :' ha, Im 

Ui. Wliat whim i& lliik ? 

(W. Thou aud 1 live at the Sword Itoyal* 
Un, hn — 

LU. Ill go tell ray mibtreu of ber fatbcr'a 
extravagance. [£xil LifttTTA. 

£a/cr Mn Bahtarh onJ GairFAio. 

Mr Kim. Ha. ha ! yes, I think ihls will do. 
f^rmh, yuu may now let in all tbe world; tho 
luuru the bi'ttcr. 

Cu/. Yei, .^ir Odsflesh! we lAail break 

all ilic inns ?d tbe countTy For we ha*e • 

breavc ImndMnnc tnndliidy, and a curious yoimf 
la»4 lo bcr dnu^ihtcf- O, here comes my 

young meuaicr- ■ We'll make birn. Cbauibcr> 
lain.— hn, lin ! 

Knter Dorakt. 
Mr Bam. WlMt'<. tlar mailer, M>n? How* 
it that yuu arc alone? Vou used to do me I 


BKrrrsM drama. 




Ckvov Ut bciag M»ae of your fncnib nloog with 

Dor. Sir, there are some of them coniing: I 
onljrrid before, to beg vou to give llicin a favour- 
able recc|iuuiL 

Mr Barn. Ay, why not ? It is both for your 
bonour and miae; yon shall be miuiifr. 

Dor. Sir, wc have noM- jiu (ippnrtunity of inn- 
Liafi all ibe getiticmeii in the country uur rriend->. 

Mr B»r$t. I am gtad un't with u(l luy heiut ; 
|)niT, buw to i 

iJfir. There's an old qunrrcl to he mniie up 
factneen two families, aiitl all die cuni|tany arc 
to meet nt our home. 

Mr Barn, Ay, uith all my heart; but, pray, 
ivluit i» the quarrel t 

Dor. O. iir, a very ancient quarrel; it Irap- 
pcncd between ibeir great gnuiufathers about a 

Mr Bartt. A aiuirrcl of coascquiMice, tmly ! 

Dor. And 'twill be a great honour to in, if 
this khiiulH be actiimimxiiiiLil at our house. 

Mr fiom. Without doubt. 

Dor. Ocmr M, jrou a>»tiinuh tne wkh tbi& 
goodaeat; bow fthnll I etpress tliis Mbltgulion ? 1 
•a* afratr), sir, you wuuld not like lU 

Mr Barm. Vihy so f 

Dor. I thought, sir, yoa did not care for ilic 

Mr Bam. O, lord. I nm the m'jst nitered man 
in the world fmm what 1 w&t ; I ain qtilte aiio- 
ibcr thin^ muo; but how mnuy arc there of 

Df»r. Xot ftbiwc nine or ten of o side, sir. 

Mr Barn. O, we kball dispose oi* thein ca^ilv 

Dor, Some of them will lie here prewntly ; 
the rest I don't pxpecl till to-morrow morning. 

Mr Barn. I hope ihuy are good cumpoiiion^, 
jollT CeJtow«, that lore to ent and drink ucll ? 

bar. n>e merriest, bcst-naturcd, creatures ju 
ihf world, «r. 

Mr B^n. I'm very glad on*t, for 'tin sucli mm 
I wauL Co«ne, br()tner, you aud I will go and 
ptrpare for tticir ri;i-cption. 

iEimnt Mr UaRNIRO and htM hrolher. 
Ictf me, what an nltcratiuu is here ! 
Uiw ray faifi«r'» temper is cliaii^cil wiiliin Uxfse 
two or three days ! L>o you know the mcaniag 

CW- Why the mcaiiin« of it i»— l):i, ha ! 

Oter. Ca/i you tell me the cause of this Midden 
datiffB, I ay } 
Cm. Why tbe cause of it la — h^ ha ! 
Dor. What do yuu laugh at, wrrob F do you 

Co/. }H\ Decoute tlie old ^nttlemaii is u 
4rai1. that's nil. 

ji... V...-.V, ifl take the codH 

* .-, d'tn't Ik: auiiry, for n lutlc hnrin- 

'c'-i ilii here arc ^our frieuds. 

Enter three Gentlemen. 

Dor, Gt'iitleraon, you arc wclcxime to Pasty- 
hall ; see cliut these geuilcmeu'a horses arc tokca 
cjre of, 

1 Gen. A rery fine dwelfmg this. 
Dor. Yes, the house is tulcrable. 

2 GeH. And a very tine lordsliip belongs to iL 
Dor. The land is good. 

'i Gen. 'I1ie btmsc oui;ht to have been inioe; 
for my grutidlnther sold it to bis father, from 
i^liom vuur father purcba&ed it. 

1/or. Vcs, the houoc has gotic tin ough a great 
luauy hands. 

1 Grn. A sign there has always been good 
houwkeepiuK in it. 

Dor. Ajid I hope there e>-er will. 

Enter Mr Baaxard, ami GRiiFAftD, dreueti 
tike drtacen. 

Mr Barn, fleiKlemen, do you call? will yon 
pleuie to ite a room, gentlemen i «omc budy 
take off the i:eirtlenie«!i' boot* there. 

Dor. Katber! Uncle! what i^ tlie meaning of 

Mr Barn. Here, shew a room- or will yott 

please to walk into the kitchen, first, gentlemen ; 
and see wlmt you like for diiUK-r? 

I Gen. Mnkc rto preparations, sir; yourowo 
diurirri" authcient. 

Mr Ham. \ ery well, I understand ye; lei us 
>tt, liuw many iirc there of ye ? [TtUt t/u-m.] — 
One, tuo, three, t'our : well, gcnueiuen^Vtis but 
h;ilf n crown-piece for yoorselve*, and si>[M'nce a 
head for your scrvauts; your dinner bliall be 
rt-ndy in half an hitur; here, shew llie gentlemen 
into the AnoUo. 

'i Gen. What, sir, docs your father keep an 
inn I 

Mr Barn. The Sword Royal; otyours«rvioe* 

Dor. But, father, let me speak to you ; would 
you disiimcc mc i 

Mr liufu. My wine ia very good, gentlemen ; 
hut, to be very pluiii with yc, it Is dear. 

Dor. I sliutl run ilitttniuLcid. 

Mr Burn. You seem not to tike niv hnuse, 
l^entlcioeu ; you may try uU the inns in the coun- 
ty, niul Milt \te better entertained : but I own my 
>>iIU run liitEfi. 

J)ur. (ir^nllemen, let me hcg the favour of yc 1 

1 Grn. Ay, my young squire of tlic; Swurtl-Roy- 
q1. vou shall receive siiinc favours from ti% 1 

thrr. Dear .Monsieur Ic Onranticrc ! 

t Grn. Here, tny hor>e titcre. 

Dor. .\Jimsieur la ICosc! 

2 Ge}t. Ojinn ye, ye prig ! 

3 Gen. Go to the devil 1 

lExruHt GcnttaTKn-. 




Dor. O, T am dt<^7ncc<I fottvcr ! 

Air Bam. Sow, son, this wilt tench you hon* 
to live. 

Dor. YourBOn? 1 d«ny the kindreJ ; I'm tlie 
ton of a whore, and I'll buru j^our bouse nbout 
your can, [Exit. 

Mr Bam. His ha 

Crif. The younK gentleman is in a paiision, 

Mr Barn. I'hcy're ail gooe for all that, and 
Ihr Sword-Royal's the best geoeral in Cbristcn- 

Enter EnASTi's's Servant tntkittg Bfith Lisetta. 

Xm. Wliat, that tall gentleman I »aw in the 
k gpjden with ?c i 

Ser. llif same ; he* my nuistpr'§ uncle, and 

ranp-T of the king's f<irest» He intends to 

leave my nto&ter all he has. 

Mr Barn. Don't I know this Bcoundrel ? What, 
U his luo&ter here? What do vuu do here, nu- 

Scr. I was askini; which must be my master'^ 
, duunher. 

Mr Barn. Where is your maater ? 

Ser. Above stairs with your wife and daueh- 
trr; and I want to know wnero he is to lie, that 
I may put up his lliinpi. 

Mr Horn. l)u you so. nucal i 

Ser. A vtry luindwune inn thU !- Here, 

drawto-, fetch mc a pint of wine. 

Mr Ban. Take that, nucal, do you banter 
mf [Iticks kirn out. 

Enter Mrs Darsard. 

Mrt Barn. What is the meaning of tht^ hus- 
buiul ' An.' not yim aiihamrd to turn yoor linuw 
into ail inn? And ta this a drrss for my spou»c. 
and n man of vour rhnnivter? 

Mr Ham. I would mthcr near this dress ibau 
be niiocd. 

Mrs Bam. You arc nearer being » than you 
imagine ; for there arc soooe pertons within, who 
have it in their power to punuh jou for your " 
diculous folly. 

Enter Erastus, leading in Marianive. 

Mr Burn. Ho^v, sir, what mean* thi»p who 
sent you here ? 

Era. It was the lockieat star in your finw^ 
ment, that aent mc here. 

Mr Barn. Tlien I doubt, at my birth, the pU" 
nctH were but in a soin-v disposition. 

Era. Killing one of tlie king's 9tag;s, that run 
hiibcr for refuijc, is enough to overturn a fortune 
rauih better establislied than yours — However, 
«ir, if you wiil oinsent to give nie your daughter, 
for her soke I will bear you harmless. 

Mr Barn. No, sir; no man shall hare my 
daughter, tlial won't take my house, too. 

Era. Sir, I will take your house; pay you the 
full value of it, and you &haU rcmam b« much 
iiiaiter of it as ever. 

Mr Bam. No, sir; that won't do neither; 
you must be meMer yourself, and from this mi- 
nute bt-gin to do the bonoura of it in your ova 

Era. Sir, I readily consent. 

Mr Barn. Upon that condition, and in order 
Co get rid uf my house, here take my daughter'^ 
And, now,Mr, if you think you've a hard bareaiti, 
1 don't care if 1 to9S yoa in my wife, to make 
you amends. 

Well, then, since all thincs 'hus are fairly 'ped. 

My Kn 'o anger, and my duu{>hter wed ; 

My houw disposed of, the sole cauw of 

I now may hope to lead n happy life. 
If 1 can part with my engaging wife. 

Rot. WtLt, thntigli pimping is tlic most bo- 
KMnble (LOd profitiibic or ull |m)f(>a<iini». it in 
rcrlntnty titr moit dativicruus and fatif^uing;; t-ui 
<if nil faligues, tlwrc'^ none likn following ii vip- 
tooQ* mutrcM — Tlierc's nut one letter I carry, 
twt I run thr ntk of kicking, canctiig, or piuapiiig, 
nK, often hnii]>ing — L*t me «c ; T hat* coni- 
tmieti three burularics to get oue leuer to h«r — 
Vow, if my master should not got the gipsey nt 
Uatf I have lenttirrtl my sweet person t« a^l'air 
^rr^— H'T. Bastn ! here comes mv uinstrr 
M>'l : Mr Hciirty — 1 mn^t hasten and 

frt - -; *. 

Koa (t dkuic Fortune fails us now to wio lier, 
Oh, «J1 jc gods above ! itie lUvil's in her. [Exit. 

Enter Rovkwsll and Ubabty. 
Hwr. Whj to nrlanctroly, captain? Come, 
Vol. IJf. 

come, n man of your gaiety and courage fchould 
never take a dtsappointiiicnt so much to heart. 

Rav. *Sdcath ! to be prevcnicd, when I haii 
brooght my desiipi so near pcriectii>n ! 

Itcar. Were ynu less open ami linring in your 

attempts, you might litipe tu succeed -nic old 

gentlfmaa, you Imow, is cautious to a dei;n'r; his 
Juu^liter under n Klrirt cimfiui-iucntr nuuld yuu 
use more of the fu\ than the hot). Fortune, per> 
haps, iQipht throw an opportunity in your way — 
But you mn^t iiave patienee. 

lior. \Vho can have patience when daii|{er is 
so near? Kead tlus letter, and then tell loc what 
room there it (or patience. 

[Ur.ARTY rcorfi.j ' To-maxTxm will prevent nil 

* our \idn strugj^lcs to pet to each utiier— I am 
' then tu lie married to my eternal aversion ! you 
' know the fop : 'tis Cuckoo, »hn, hiring a larco 

* estaie, is forced u|K)n ine — but my heart can be 
' none but RuvewclFs, Inmieitiiilely after tbtt 
' receipt of this, meet Betty ut the old place ; ' 

* thctv is yet one invention left ; if you pursue U 





* closely, Tdu may )>ei'hops rclcnse bfr, who would 

' be your ' Aketiii sa.' 

Riiv. Ye», Arclliimi, I will rclcusu tlicc, or die 
iit (lie nticnipt ! Dcnr iVieiid, e&cuM m; nide- 
, fic«»i you kiwn tho ruiuon. 


Ill face erory danger 

To rcDcuc my deatt 
For fenr is a stnmger, 

Where luvc is uncere. 
llepulftLft but fire as. 

Despair nc ilc^ise^ 
irbvauiif iriftpire us 

To poiit lor tlic prize. 


Jliar. Well, go thy way, ami get her ; fnr 

thou dcserv'at hcr» o' my cuusctence — How hare 

I been deceived in this buy ! I liml him the very 

revone of wluil tiis Dttrp-iui>tlicr reprvM.-i)leit liim ; 

Mild nm now M-nuble it was only her ill-usage tliut 

■.forced my child awiiy — His not having seen ro« 

Vnnce he was five yean old, renders me a perfect 

Euran^cr to him — Uiidrr that prciaicc 1 Imvegot 

Linio his ocqcuiininncc, and find him oil 1 wish^ — 

If this pint nf hi^ fails, I believe my money muM 

buy him the girl at iast. [Kxit. 

SCENE U. — A chta^er in Aruvs*s house. 

AacTncsA toia. 


Are. See ! tbe raHiaot queen of nit-ht 

Sbcds on all her kindly bt^ams; 
Oildb tlw? pUiins witli cheerful lit;ht. 

And sparklea in the silver sireams. 
Smiles uduro ihi- face of Nature, 

Tantdeu all tilings yet appear. 
Unto inv a bupele&& creature. 

In the absence of my dear. 

Enter A ho us. 

Arg. Pray, dai){;titcr, wliat lingo is that same 
jrou chaiit uutl sputter out at this mtc i 

Arc. Eii^lidli, sir. 

Arg. English, quotha ! adod I took it to be 

Are. 'Vu a hymn to the moon. 

Are. A hymn ta ttie moun ! Ill have none of 

Jour n^iiiQs in my bouse — Give mo tlie book, 

Are, I liope, xr, tliere is no crime id reading a 
harmless poem t 

Arg. Give mc the book, I say ? pfXMos, with a 

^ pOi ! what are they good for, but to blow up the 

. nre of love, mid luukc younic wcnclws wantuo } — 

But I have taken care of vou, uu«tn:»6 ! fur to- 

aiurnm you shall have aDUjiond to tuy your 

stomach, and no Icm a pcrvm than 'tquire 

Are. You will not, surely, be so cruel as to 
marry me to aninn I cannot love^ 

Arg. Why, what sort of a man would you hnve, 
Mrs JJmx? 


Arc. Oentccl in personage, 
Conduct, and equipage, 
Noble hy heritaije, 

Gcneroufi and free: 
Brave, not rontantic; 
Lcamcfl, not pedantic ; 
Frf>Iic, not frantic ; 

Tliii must be he. 
Honour msintainmg, 
Mcouucvt disdaining, 
Still entertaining:, 

F.iif^pi>g and new. 
NcuL, but not finical ; 
Sage, bat not cynical ; 
Never tyrannical, 

But ever tnic. 

Arg. Why, is not Mr Cuckoo all ihi^? Adod. 
he*»3 orisk youun fellow, and n little fcniher-bed 
doctrine will soon put the cnptain out of your 
hcnd : and, to put ton out nf his power, you shall 
be given over to the squii-c to-inorn>w. 

Are. Surely, sir, you will at least defer it mw 

Arg. No, nor one hour — ^To-mormw morning 
at eight nf ilip clock prcciwly — In the mean tiro*-, 
take notice, the squire's sister is hourly expected : 
90, pray do you be civil and sociable with her, and 
let me linve none of your uouts am) gluut^, as 
you tender my difpteasure. [Erit Auovt. 

Are. T'i'ntcirrnM is slmrt wnniin|! : but wc may 
be too cuuuio^ fur you yet, old gentleman. 

Enter Bcttt. 

O Betty ! welcome a thousand times S ttbai 
news ? have you seen tlie captain ? 

Bet. Yes, madam ; and if you were to sec him 
ill hii new ri^ii^, you'd spli: your sides witli 
bughlni: — Such a hoyden, Mich a piece of coun- 
try stuHi you never set your eyes on ! — But the 
pettiCbatfi are soon thrown oiT; and if good luck 
aticnds us, you may easily conjure MissMoUuD, 
the squirc*» sisicr, iino your own dear captain. 

Are. But when will they cmue? 

Hrt. liiniautly, maduni; lie only itays to settle 
matters fur our escape. He's in deep ronsulia- 
tion with liift privy-c<>un»ellor Uobin, who is to 

attend him In the quahiy of a ctuntry put 

I'hev'll both be here in » moment; fc> let's id. 
and pack np the jcwrls. thnt wr may be ready 
at once to leap into tlic saddle of liberty, and 
ritk full ipctd to yuut deures. 



^rc. X>ew Betty^ let** makohastc; I think 
evcrr noneat ao' age till I'm free from tliis 


VHten parents obstinate and croe! prore. 
And force us to a man we cnnnot lovr^ 
Tis fit we disappoint tbe sonlid elves. 
And wtaelj get ws husbands for ourselves. 

Bet. There ittcj i 

-in, in ! 
[A knocking without. 


Axcrsynwn abovt, 

Arg. You're wound)' hiutr, nii-lhink<i, tokmK-lc 
at chat nu«^— Thii is ocrtainl; wine coitrticr cumc 
to borrow money ; I know il bv the saiir v rnp- 
pme <if the footnuui — Who*» nt tlie door? 

Hoh. Tummpj ! [^WithutU iloort. 

Arg. Tumincn! Willi's Tumraos ? Who would 
yea speak with, friend f 

J?o6. With yuun? master's vather-in-latv, that 
muo be^ master H>ird);ut<t. 

Arg. And what's your business with master 

£a& Why, ynune mislress is come ont of the 
coavcry to sec brother's wife, that aiuu be, Liuit'» 

Arg. Odeo, ibe squire's sister '. I'm sorry I 
■■de ber wait so tocg. [Ktit HatiHy. 

SCENE III.— J chamltr. 

AlOCaMf/tM^nn^'RovEWLLLin irainan't clatArx, . 
/oiloactt hy Kobin at a clown. 

Arg. Saw you, fair Imly ! you're welcome to 
imriL [RovcwELL furtsei/s.] A vrry modest 
uitkiit truly ! tlow long nave vuu been in 
lown ? 

Roh. Why, an hour and a bit or ao - — we ju<it 
fot up horses at Kinn's Arms yonder, and srnid 
s erum to see pour things feed, for vour I^ondoit 
mlers give little enough to poor bcahts; nii' ymi 
Moad not by 'em yourzelli and see 'em (v^, as 
MOO as your back'ft lumed, ndod, they'll cheat 
]Oa afore your face, 

Arg. Why, how now, Clodpatc? are you to 
ipeak before your nuBtrcss, and with your hat 
W, too f Is that your oouQtry-breedioe t 

Roh, Why, an 'tis on* 'tis ou, ati' 'ti^ oiT, 'tis 
off — what Cares Tiimnms for your fal&c-hearttd 
Looduu cumpliniuitsf An' you'd Imre nil Hi»wrr 
/ram youuK mistress, you muo look to Tummos; 
for ihr's VI nv-tin biuhfut, slit iwver Hpcuks one 
won) (Hit her prayers, and tbos'n so softly that 
aabckdy can bear bcr. 

Arg. X hke tier the better for thnt; tilcnce is 
shaavmlv virtue in a womnn, but very rare to 
W iband in this wicked (ilace. Jln^cyou seen 
JWir bnitbcr, pretty InHy, linre yon ramr to 
iiiwii? [llovrwLLl nirtirj/t.] i), niiniculous nio- 
^Wy ! wuald all woineu were thus ! Can't you 
•(Mk* madam f [ ItovawsLL eurUeyt egaiH.] 

Rot. An' you get a word from her, 'tis mon 
nor she has spoken to us these fourscore and se- 
ven long loiles; btic young mistress will pmte 
ftvit enough, an' vou Kt ber among your women 

Arg. .Sny'st thou so, honest follow * 111 send 
her to those that have tongue enough, I'U war- 
rant you. ficrc, Betty ! 

Enter Betty. 

Take this jroung lady to my daughter ; 'tis squit« 
Cuckoo's si<ilcr; tiiid, d've liear) make much of 
her, I charge yuu. 

Bet. Yes, sir Please to follow me» ma- 

Rope. Nc}w, you rogue, for a lie an linur and a 
half Jong, to keep the old fellow in suspeucc. 

{Aiide to KoRiK. Krit n-ith BLrry. 
Rob. Well, iiiosItT I don't you liiink my mis- 
tress a diiinty yuung nomnti ? Slie's wonderfully 
bcinircd in onr country fur liL'r ■tliHfx.'n. 

Arg. Oh. she's a line creature, indeed ! But, 
wliere's ijie ftt|uire, hone»t friend? 

Itiili. Whv, onr iitnnot tincl a innn nut in this 
ssinc Londuniihire, there are so miiiy taverns ■ 
and ch<»cLlins liousen; you may na well syek a 
needle in a buy fiirdci, as they jciy'n i' the coun- 
try. I wns nt squire's lod^tnc yomler, niid (here 
was iiobo<iy but a pralc-iijKicc whorrvin of n 
tout-tHiv, and he told inc maistcrwas at a chock- 
ling liousc, nod all the uhile the vixon did no- 
liiing but taunt and laugh ni utc : Tend, I could 
hare found in my heart to hnvo ^i'n him a good 
nhirrit in the c)ui|is. So, I went tonne clmck- 
ling house, and t'other chock! ing- house, till I 
was quite tvi-ary ; and I could sec iiothiiig but a 
mony people supping hot suppings. and reailing 
yuur gnziiig papers: we had miicli udo to find 
out your v'orship's house; the vixon buys set 
us o thick, side, and ihst side, till wo ucre al- 
most quite Inst; nu' it were nnt for an hone«t 
fellow that knowctl yuur wimhip, and set us in 
the right way. 

Arg. Tis pity they should use strangers so; 
but as to yuur young mistress, docs she never 
speak i 

Roif. Adod, sir, never to a mon; why, she 
wo'not speak to her own father, she's so main 

Are. Tlial's strange, indeed ! But how does 
niy friend, sir Kniier? he** well, 1 hope? 

Rob. Hearty Mill, sir — He hiis drunk down 
six fox-hunters sin Inst Liunmas ! He holds his 
old course still ; twenty pipes a-<lay, a cup of 
mum in the morning, a tankard of ale At nr>on, 
and three bottles of stingo at night. The same 
mon now he was thirty years ago; and young 
scpiire Yedwnrd is just cumc from varsity ; lawH, 
he'd m&iiilv growd sin you saw him ! he's a fine 
propcr^tall geiitlciniin now; why Iw'a near upon 
us tall as you or I, taun. 





Arg. Good now, good now ! Bat woalds't 
dnnic, hoacst friend. 

Rob, I dun't rare an' I do, & bit or so ; for, to 
My truth, I'm mortal diy. 

Arg, Here, John ! 

Enter Servant. 
Take this honest felluw down, and make him 
welrome. When your mistress is ready to go, 
we'll call you. 

Rob. Ah ! pray, take care sad make much of 
me, for 1 am a bitter honest fellow, an' you did 
but know me. [Exit Robin, with tereant. 

Arg. These country fellows are very blunt, 
but Tcry honest. I would fain hear his mistress 
talk. }ie ^d she would find her tongue when 
she was amongst those of her own sex. I'll ^o 
listen for once, and bear ntiat the young tils 
have to say to one another. [Exit, 

Enter Rovewell, Arethosa, and Bettt. 

Rove. Dear Arethusa, delay not the time 
thus ; your father will certainly come in and sur- 
prise ns. 

Bet. Let ns make hay while the sun shines^ 
madam : I long to be out of this prison. 

Are. So do I ; but not on the captain's condi- 
tions, to be his prisoner for life. 

Rffve. I shall run mad if you trifle thus : name 
your coDditioDs ; 1 ngn my consent before-hand. 

[Kiuet her. 

Are. Indeed, captain, I am afraid to trust 


Cease to persuade. 

Nor say you love sincerely ; 
When you've Iwtrayed, 

You'll treat me most severely* 
And fly what once you did pursue. 
Happy the fair 

\Vho ne'er believes you, 
But gives despair, 

Or else deceives you. 

And learns inconstancy from you. 

Rove. Unkind Arethusa ! I little expected this 
usage from you. 


When did yon sec 

Any falsehood in me, 
ThdX thus you unkindly suspect me ? 

Speak, speak your mind ; 

For I fear you're inclined, 
In spite of my truth, to reject me. 

\i it must be so, 

To the wars I will go, 
Where danger my passion shall smothet; 

I'd ratlicr perish there, 

Than linger in despair. 
Or sec yoa in the arms of anotber. 

Enter Argvs, behind. 

So, so ! this is as it should be ; tbey am a* 

gracious as can be already ^How the young 

tit sinuesles her ! Adod, she kisses witb m bearty 
good -will. 

Are. I must confess, captain, I am half incli- 
ned to believe you. 

Arc. Captain ! how is this ! bless my cye- 
si^iit r T know the villain now ; but 1*11 be even 
with him. 

Bet. Dear madam, don't tnfle so ; the parson 
is at the very next 4oor, you'll be tacked toge- 
ther in an instant; and then 111 trust yott CO 
come back to your cage again, if yon can do it 
with a safe conscience. 

Arg. Here's a treadierous jade ! but 111 do 
your business for you, Mrs Jezebel. 

Bet. Consider, madam, what a life yoa lead 
here ; what a jealous, ill-natured, watdiful, cove- 
tous, barbarous, old cuff of a father you have to 
dt:al wiih — What a glorious opportunity t^s is^ 
and what a sad, sad, very sad tmng it is, to die a 
maid !' 


Would you live a stale virgin for ever? 

Sure you are out of your senses, 

Or these are pretences ; 
Cau you part with a person so clever } 

In trotli you are highly to blame. 
And you, my lover, to trifle ; 

I thought that a soldier, 

Was wiser and bolder ! 
A warrior should plunder and rifle ; 

A captain ! Oh, fle for shame ! 

Arg. If that jade dies a maid. 111 die a mar- 

Bet. In short, madam, if yoa stay mnch lon- 
ger, you may repent it every vein in your heart 
— The old hunks will undoubtedly pop in upon 
us and discover alt, and then we're undone for 

Arg. You may go to the devil for ev^, Mn 
Impudence ! 

Are. Well, captain, if you should deceive.rae ! 

Rov. If 1 do, may heave n - - — 

Are. Nny, no swearing, captain, f(v fear yoa 
should prove like the rest of your sex. 

Rod. How can you doubt me, Areibnsa, when 
you know how much 1 love you? 

Arg. A wheedling d(^ ! But FIl spoil his sport 

Bet. Come, come away, dear madam !— — I 
have the jewels ; but stay, I'll eo first, and see if 
the coast be ch-ar. [Argus meett her. 

Arg. Where are you a-going, pret^ maiden? 

Bet. Only do — do — do— down-stnin^sir. 


Jirg. And wfaat hut tbeu f^nt there, cUild ! 

Jt*t. Sotbiofi but pi — pi — pi — pins, ur. 

A- ' . give me the pins, und do you go to 

liel t; ! DVc hear f out of my hoiise 

dn nKsncaL : dacsc arccltwatjcr jadcK, f<irsix>lli ! 

^41 Anpars .' O mora! what an afl;e is this! 

OeC jfx in funouth; Til talk wilh vnu anun. 

"" ' AftiTxrsa.] So, aiptaint Arc those 3rour 

1 dottam^ I'll Buare you tlicjr become 

U'tdo 4id bat see tonrsell' now, 

: s bero rov look ! £cce uanum J 

JUme. Blood uhI funr! itop your (grinning, or 

ni mrtch foar moutli witb n vtn(;canc«!. 

Jtrg. Nay, nayi ca^(«iii Bclswa(!^tT, if you're 

"~ ~'" Bie, 'lis higti tiiiw: 10 call aid wid a*- 

err, Ukhnrd. Thomas, John! Iielp ine 

I on ibis fellow : you Iravc no ^wuilI 

'c^iCaiii ; M tironJ^ d'ye tnaric mc 1 

Enter Serraati and RoniN. 
fi««. But 1 baire a pistol, air, at yriur Aerrii'e. 

[PutiM out a patol. 
Jkrg. O Lont ! O Lord ! 
ItviK. And I'll unload it in ^uar brcnst, il'yoa 
Mr aoe tup after me. 
Ar$. A Lloody-miaded dog ! But tay bold on 
t fopw dicrc, tUat coantry<bcat. 

Roft. Sec here, pontlenwii, m Sro little boU- 
dopof the sainc breed (PfYjend'n/r tno pittott,) 

they are woodtrful »courer« of Uic brnin ; so 

that, if jou iilTcr to molest or follow tue- you 

undnnitaiid mc, gcutlemeo ? you understand mc i 

1 Scr. Yes, yes; wc uoderaiand jou^ with it 

[KIS ! 

2 Ser. The devil go wilh them, I siy ! 

Arg. Av, ny; pfxtd-Jtvc to you, io tJie devil'i 
iinmp. — a' terrible dofi! — what a fripitc he has 
put me in ! — I shan't U? myself this month. And 
you, yt^ oovranily r&bcals ! to stand by ar.<] tee mf 
liCe in dai)|£cr; jret out, >e sla»f 9 ! out of my 

hnusT, [ snv ! I'U put un end to alt thi&; for 

I'il nut have a scrraiit in the bouse. — I'll carry 
all the keys iu my pocket, and never sleep tnon*. 
Wlut a PiTirdi'rin;; sini of a wliorc is tbtft ! But 
I'll prevrtit him ; for to-morrow sbc shall lie 
married certainly, and then my fuHoiia gentle- 
man can have no hopes loff. A Jezulirt, to 

heho H n-d-coiit without any money ! — Ilnd he 
but mot>cy — if he wauttd, manners, or even 
manhood itself, it mnltercd not a pin ; — but to 
want money i<i the devil! Well, I'll secure her 
undtT luck and key till to-morrow ; and if her 
husband can't keep Iter from captain-tmnt]i^, 
c'cn Irt herbringhimn frcMi |Mur ofhorns every 
time bUe goes out upuu the cliase. \^Esir. 


SCENE X^-^ CA/rni^. 

ASCTWU discovered titting otclavchohf on a 


Icmrm me to curaptniti 

1 itr^er more shall sec my swmn, 

Xor cTcr more lie free. 
O truel, cruel Fate ! 

What joy can I receive^ 
Wbrai in lU^ arms of one I hate, 

I'm doomed, alas, to lite? 
Ye pitting ptw'n ultmr, 

'\ luu w wv Mml'n dismay. 
Or bnnc mc back ihv man 1 love. 

Or take my bfe nwsy. 

Enter A aces. 

Jrw. 9o^ ludy I vuu'rc welcome home '. — Sec 
Ivnr tr>f rrittr nirlle tus mnnnmf: tlic lil^^ ul" lirr 
ms- • \ niit !i word, Thusy ? not a word, 

iki . i-;ome; don't be in the dumps nnw, 

mA i'ii uu'ii ibr r.-iiii»m, or tlxr 'w^iire'*. aistt-r . 
^•rhapK tt»ry may »ual.c it pmule a bit - —Ah, 
iW|yiL»uu*'e,ii I ! ' U nil my care come to thi« * In 
ttn tibe (ratitiide you Minw your mide's memory, 
i» Ibraw amy what be hud bustled su bard fur, 

nt so mad n rate? Did he leave you ie,000l. 
think vmi, tn muVe you no hetler thnn a soldier's 
trull ? to follow a caoip i to carry a knap- 
snck f Ihis is what yond hare, mistress, is it 

vire. Tliis, and ten tKousand timcfi worse, 
were- better with the man I love, tbun to be 
(hained to the nauseous embraces of one F 

Arg. A \er\ dntiful lorly, indeed ! I'll make 
you smfT anollter 9011c toHiiorrow ; and. till titcu, 

I'll loavc vnu IK fo/m eustojia, lo coutidcr. 

tfyc. llm'sy ! 

Arc. Ham bnrbnrouii is the covetonsnrsti imd 
«:4iutiun of dl-iiiiturwi |m.rcnt5 ! They toil for 
estates with a view tomuke posterity h:ippy ; nitj 
then, by u mist^en prudence, they matrh us to 
iiur ni-crsion. Bur. I nm molred not to sullcr ' 
ttunclv, however— Ihry iliall see, tluiui;Ii my 
body's wenL, my resolution's stnmc; and 1 may 
yet ItoJ spirit enough to plague them. 


Sooner than Til my love forego. 

And lo*>c die man I prize, 
111 bmvcly combat every wcic, 

Or fnli n socritire. 
Nor bolls nor bom »hiilt me oontroul, 

I death imd duiigc-r dare ; 




Restrnint but fires die Active soul. 

And ur^s fierce dnpiur. 
Tbe wiodow ituw shall be mjr S>tO( 

I'U cilfaer fail or Ay : 
Before I'll live with him I UatCf 

For him I love Ftl die. [Adieu. 

SCENE'II.— 7^c Strtet. 
Heartt amd Rovcwxll meeting. 

Hov. So, in.T dear frieiid, here already?—— 
Tim is very kind. 

Hear. Sure, coptain, this lady must hare 
Mime extrnordinnry Toerit for Mhuin you under- 
take such difficultie!) ! What are her particular 
charms behides her money ? 

Mine. I'll telJ yuu, sir. 

AIR.— T&e vorda by another hand. 

Without aficctation, piy, youdiful, and pretty ; 
Widioiit pride or ineainip^s, familiar and witty; 
Without fiirms, nhliging, good-natured, and 

Without artr as hivply ns lorely can be. 
She acts what she tliinks and &he thinks wliat 

she sayi, 
Kegardle&s alike lioth oi conjure atid praise ; 
Her thouf^hts, and hvr words, and her at^ions 

arc 6uch, 
That nunc can admire theoij or praise ber^ loo 


Hear. Well, luccess attend you !- 

kmnr wlicre to find me wheo there's occasion. 


Znter Bot. 

-Bty. Sir, nr ! I want to speak «itfa y«u. 

Rovf. r* year mistress locked up, jay you * 

Botf. Vci^ sir, nnd Betty's turtiRd nway, and 
all ihc meti-servantA; nuil there's ao liviiif; soul 
in the huusp but our old C4>'>k-rafiid, mid I, and 
my inii5ter, and Mrs Thu>y ; and she cries, and 
cries her eyes out almost. 

Have. O [|>e tonueQiiog news! But if thegar- 
risoH is so wcnk, tlic castle lony be the sooner 
stormed, llitw did you gc-t out ? 

ifoy. Through the kitchoo-window. sir. 

ilave. Show mr the wiihIuw presently. 

Din/. Aluci-a>day, it wou'c do, sir ! "I'hat plot 
won't lake ! 

Hotr. Why, sirmti ? 

J^tf. You are Mmtdhii^ too big, *ir. 

HitTv. V\\ try ihut, however. 

HoH. Indeed, !;ir, you coo'c tcec joorlegio; but 
I Ctiild [lilt you in a \«iy. 

Hove. How. dear Iwy! 

Boif' I can Icitd you ttie key of Mrs Thusv's 
eliambcr— If you ton contrirc to get into tbc 

house But yoo mau be sore to iet my mis- 
tress out. 

Rave. Hoir couldst diou get it I This is almost 
a miracle. 

finy. I pdied it out of mf master's coU- 

Cocket this morniug, sir, as I was ^brushing 
Rave. Tliat'fi my boy !)T1ierc*s money for yon: 
tliis child will come to good in time. 

Buy. My master will miss me, sir, I must p»; 
bat 1 wish you good luck. \_&iU. 


Aretrcsa, a( the witt^m above. 
A dialit^cur bctaeen her and Rovevell. 

Acre. Make haste and away, my only dew; 

Make liaste, and nw»y, awayl 
Fiir all at the gHtc, _ 

Your true lover does wait. 

And I prithee make no delay. 
Arc. O how lUiall I steal away, my lore? 

O Imw shall I steal away f 
ftly daddy is near. 
And I daru not for fear ; 

Pray, come then onotlier day. 
Rov. O tim is the only day, my life ! 

U tliU is tlie only day ! 
I'll draw hiin aside. 
White you throw the gates wide, 

And then you muy steal away. 
Are, Then, prithae nuke lu delay, my dear; 

IWii, pritlu^e m«ke oo delay : 
We'll serve him a triok ; 
For I'll slip in the nick, 

And Willi my true luvc away. 


O Cupid, befriend a loving pair ! 

O ('ii{Nd, befriend us, we pray ! 
Msy our slrataj^ins take, 
For thine own iwcct sake; 

And, Amen ! lei oil true lorers say, 

[AatrutiSA mthJrtm, 

Enter RoBlJi a( a laaytr, and aold*ers. 

Rov. F^i, my hearts of oaks, are you all ready? 

SoU. \' -, an't please your honour. 

Hove. \uu know your cue iheo to youf 


[They retire to a comer of tke Mtage ; ke 
kmirki »martty mt the door. 

Rob. VV'hat, are you all asleep, or dead in ihe 
house, that you can't hear? 

[Ancvs, hnidine the door in his hand. 

Are. Sir, you arc very hasty, metluok^— > 

R^. Sir, my busincsa rc<)uire« baste. 

Arm. Sir, you IhuI belter make biufib about i^ 
for 1 koow no busioess you have bcro. 



JM. Shf I am cooie lo tnik iritli jou od ho 

p 8uv 1 ddi^t loTO talking; 2 know you 
caoteqtMBtljr can bare no kfkirsnith 

itflk Sr, not know mc ! 

Arg. Sir, His enough fnr mc to know mjaelf. 

Jw. A dunned tfawirtii^ nid do^; this same ! 
[ tnVr J Sir, I lire but just m iIk next strwt. 

[7Vi him. 

Jrg. Str ! if you lived at Junoica, 'tis the 
ftMC tbinfi to me, 

AaL [^jidic.] I find coaxing won't do. X must 
chaatt my norc, or I shall never unkennel tbis 
•Uta — '—{To tim.] Well, Mr Ar^as there's 
K» haroi docM^ so take ;our leave o( 30001. You 
laa« aoHMgh of jroor own already. [Going. 

df% U4W ! 3000. ! I must inquire into this. 
[ititdr.] Sir. a word with you, 

Aai. ^v ! I have nutliiOK to say to you. I 
■Bik yoo to be a prudent pervm. that ktietr the 
wtfiof moiicT- and huw to iinpruvc ic; but, I 
iad Fn deonvcd. 

Arf. Stf, 1 hope yonll excuse oiy rudeness ; 
W^ ]<oa kiww, a man cannot be too cautiaui. 

XfA. Sir, tluM's true ; and, tbererora, 1 excuse 
*m; boi I'd take sudi ireatn>eiit frum no man 
*«i Pngh^^ bendes younclf. 

Jkrg. Sir* 1 beg your pordoa; but, to the bu- 

JUi. Wliy» tlMis it is : a 9f>en<lthrift young frl- 
lo* b iptllofKiif; through u plculil'ul fortune : 1 
kaMlencfUOOI. upon it already; atid, if you'll 
arinaec an equivalent, we'll torecluse the whole 
cttte, and share it between lui ; fur, I know, he 
CM M*er redeeat ic 

Arg. A Tcry judicinos man ; I'm sorry I af- 
boBtcd bim. [diide.J But buw is this to be 

Rmi. Very easily, sir. — A word in your ear; 
• tiole Bore ttiis way. 

{i>rmt» kimaudf; the $ottiitrt grt tetteecn 
A*m and the lUtorA 
4rf. But the title, fir, the title f 
RJi. Da you doubt my vrnuity } 
Jrg. Not in the lean, nr; but one cnniwt be 


JUk Tbal*« very true, vr : and, tlicrcforc, I'll 
Wtkm sure of you, now 1 Imvc you. 

[Raftl» trip* up Aw ktrl* ; the utitiiers hlin<t- 
j'vid And gfi^ Ami, nnd Hand avcr him, 
mfier »AicA, /Ary kavt ^i"), Ae making 
« grtat Mvuc. 

Entrr Mob. 

ML Vfhifff the msticr, Mlint's tlie matter I 

[T/try tirtgag hint, A'C. 
Art. O neiffliboun! X'm rubbed aiul murdered, 
naacd, aad ondune for ercr. 
I iU6. Why, what's ilic matter, ma&ter? 
Aig. Tberc's a whole lejiyu of thicrcs in my 

sioiiiiblencM have I to be killed for bim or yuu 

house ; they gagted and blindfolded me, and of- 
fered forty naked swords at my brcusc 1 beg 

of you to aasiM me, or tbe/ll strip the house in 
a niiniiie. 

3 Hob. Forty drawn swordsi, say you, sir? 

Arg. Ay ; and more, I diink, on my con- 

3 AfoA. Then, look vou, sir, I'm a married 
m»n, and have a large fainilv; I would not veu' 
tiire aniong^t such n parcel or Uond-liiinty r02;ue.v 
for the world ; but, if you please, I'll run and 
call a conittAblc. 

AU. Ay, ay ; cull a constable^ call a constable ! 

Ar^. I shiiu'i htive tt penuy left, if we stay for 

a cnnstoble lam but one marii; and, as old 

as 1 am, I'll lead the way, if you'll follow me. 

[Extt Abo. 

AU. Ay, ay, in, in ; foUaw, follow ; biizza 1 

1 Alob. Prithee, Jack, do you go in, if yoa 
cotac t» that. 

4 MJt. I £0 in ! vtbat shuuld I go in for? I 
havu Ifibt notliing. 

Worn. What ! nobody to help the poor old pcn- 
tlcnian^ odds bobs ! if I vas a man, I'd follow 
him mvMlf. 

3 iiok Why don't you, then f Wluit oeca- 

)imble ' " • ■ • 


£NfepItoBiM, aseoattabU. 

AIL Here's Mr Consuble, here's Mr Consta- 

hle ! 

Itoh. Silence, in the king's name ! 

AU. Ay. silence, silence. 

R(tb. Wlinl'n the uteauin^ of this riot? Who> all tliis disiarbanoe? 

1 Mob. I'll tell you, Mr Constable. 

3 MotK An't please your worship, let tub 

Rob. .Ay ; this man talks like a man of parte 
— What's tlic matter, friend ? 

3 Mttb. An't plensc your noble worship's lir>- 
naur mid ciory, tte arc his nuije^ty's licR< sub- 
jects nnd were terrified out of our habitnlioii* 
and dwc1linj;-plnces, by a cry from abroad; ubich 
your noble ^iirsliip muAC understand was occa- 
sionablc by die ^(PiiilFinnn nf ihi» bmiv, who wai 
•in unfi>rttinable uh tn be killed by thieves, \*h» 
nre uow in liii house to the uumberation of above 
forlv, an't pleii>e your »v'»rslup, all completely 
uriiifd with piiwdtr and ball, nnck-sworda, pu- 
tolst bayoucK£, and bkindcrbusscb ! 

Rob. But wliai is 10 be done in this case ? 

3 Mob. Why, nn please your wnrahip, know- 
inc your noble honour to l>c the kine's luajestY** 
noble officer of the peitee, we tfaouKbt 'twas best 
your honour shouhl i.-omc and terrify the»e rogues 
awnv with your noble auth'nity. 

Hob. Well said ; very well sold, indeed ! 

Ctenilcmen, I am the ItinK's otbcer, and I uom- 
tnnml you, in the king's ruunr, to aid ami assist 
mc to cnll those rogues out of tlic bouw — Who's 




Lwi^n there? I cbar^ you come out, iu tlie 
kiu|;'* UAincv aod submit younclres to our myal 

3 .\fiit'. Tlti& is the ^cntlematv thnt was killed, 
mii't piease your wunhip. 

Enter Aeigds, 

Arg, O neiehbuun 1 I'm ruinefi ntid lutdone for 
ever ! Tbrr Itaie tkkon awuy all that's dear to 
mv in dkc wcrtU. 

1 MiU». That* hilt luoney ; *cia a aad ci>retou6 

Rah. Why. whnt'» the matter? What liavr 
thcv riQne i 

Arm. O, iticy have taken oiy child frooi iii«, 
jnv Tbuftv ! 
"fttf6. liood lock! 

tt jlfofi. IkiaiTV couic up, what valuatjuii cnn 
I abt be } Hut, hare ihcy taken noUiing cls« ? 

Arg. Wnuld tlK-y bnd stript my house of every 
peunywortlt, so ihcy hnH left loy diild ! 

1 M(A. Thnt'a n lie, I believe; for bo Invct 
lu« numry more than his soul, and would sooner 
part witli thut tltnii n {tn>at. 

Arg. Thi» i& the captain's dti!ng<), bat I'll have 
him luiniecd. 

Rob. Hut wIktr nne tJie tHJc*-ca ? 

Arg. Gone, gonCi beyond all hopes of pui^ 

a Mi^lt. Wlutt ! are they (tone? Tlien, come 
neit^hbuurs, let u« go ia^ aud kill every mother's 
child of thom. 

Hob, Hold; I charge vou to commit no mur^ 
dcr ; f.illtiw iiic, nnd we'fl a(«prehend tliem. 

Arg. Go, pilluins., rowardt, scnumlrcU, or I 
shall !)U5pect you nre the ihieves (hut mean tu mti 
ine of wliat is yet left. How brave you nre, now 
all ttic dan£Cr*a over ! Uh, Mrndi, you doK ! 
[Looking at KomM.] yon arc tlint rogue, iCfihiu, 
the captMo's nwtL Soxe himf neighboun, seize 
him ! 

HiA. [Aiidc.'\ I don't care wliat yoo do, for 
llie job'* over; I see my niuMcr a-coming. 

Ar^. Why don't you seiie him, I «nv * 

M<ih. Not we; we have lost too much time 
about an old fool already. 

S \Mk Ay : tlie next time you're boimd and 
gaiKod, rou %hall He niwl be damned for me ! 

S Alw. Ay, and idc, too ; come ajnni;, neifrh- 
bours, comeaJoi^, [Kxfnni Mub. 

Enter Rovkwcll, ITkartt, AHCTttctA, and 


Arg. Btnsnic! who hnvi* we got here' O 

Thusy I Thuiy ! 1 had rniher ul-wt have seen 

thee agun, loan have fouod you in such oam- 

Are. Sir, I liope my htnfaoiid's company is not 
rriniinnl ' 

Arg. Your huihaod ! who'n your hiubwM^ 
housewife? that scoundrel? Captain— f)at of ny 

siftlit, tliou un^nioous wretch ! I'll fn make 

ray will thi» ni^timt and you, you villain ! huw 

dure you look me in the face after all this? ■ 

I'll have yi;u hancc^li sirrah ! I ivill bo, 

Hfar. (> lie, hrulbc-r Ar^us ! moderate your 
pas^iutl. It ill becumci tlie fricnd-Jiip you ()«e 
S'ed Wortliy, to vilify and afTroiit his only child, 
ami fE>r unoiher rriiiie thnii intprovin^ that friend- 
ship whirh liBK «jvcr iHwn bclu«L-u us. , 

Arg. 11a! my dear friend alive ! I heard ri^^H 
wcrt dt!ad m the Indies — Anil is that thr ton t^^H 
uy c<ids(ju, tiju, if I am not miJiCakenr 

Hear. ITic very miuic — the last and best rc- 
mnin»nf nur family; forced by mv wife's cnielty, 
Hud my absence, t» tlic nnny, My wife it sinot 
dead, and thu fm ^le had by her fomuT hoa- 
bond, whom she intended to heir my estaie; bat 
fortune Ruideri me by chance to mj dear bayi 
wild, aftiT twenty ymrs absence, and changing 
my iiuutc, kiic-n me not, til 1 1 jutt now disruveied 
myself li* him and your fair daughter, whum f 
will nuiku him devrne by thirty thousand pounds* 
Mliich I hro4itdtt frmn India, besides what real 
estate 1 niny Iciivc at rov death. 

Are. And to inuteh ttiat, old hoy, my doubter 
iliidl have every penny of mine, l>e*idfH Iwr uik 

cle's lecuey Ah I you young rt^ue, had I 

known vou, I uuuld iixt hnie used yoo so r<Mi)(lb- 

iy ! However, sinci: you have won my uirl *> 

bravely, take her, niid welcome Btit you mu?t 

excuse all rkulis 0\c old man meant all for 

llio best ; you must not he niigry. 

Ruv. f?ir, on the contmry, ^e oOKht tn beg 
your |«rd<in fur the inuiiv disquiets wc hare fnwo 
you; and, with )oi:r pariio;i, we crave yourblea^ 
ii»g. [ Thry kn<tt 

Arg. Vnn have it, children, with alt my hran. 
Adod, I a-n so tnintported, I don't know wbctlier 
i walk or tly ! 

Are. May your joy be cvcrlastinj ! 

RovEWELL and Axcthliu, embrating. 

Tiiu<i fondly raressinj;. 

My irt«I, mv rrrnwrB, 
H(i«v i<reat is llie htessii^! 

How fc»»cet is il»e p*eawre ! 
With |oy 1 behold iliec. 

And iJoat on thy cliarms; 
Thus wliile 1 enfold Uiee, 

I've heaven m tny arms. 

[Exeunt omtuL 








Sii JoHx LoTEiCLE, on honeMt country gentle- 
flm, beitnedfor Ai< kotpitatity. 




}oBsos, « psabihtinging cobler, tenant to Sis 



tenants to Sib John. 


Lady Lovervle, wife to Sir John, a proudf 
eantingy brawUngf fanatietU threw. 

Lettuce, i *"-««^- 

Nell, Jobson's vi/r, an iniioceiif country girL 

Tenanttf lervantt. 

Scene-'A country village. 


SCENE l.—The coblett house. 

JoBSm and Nell. 

Neil. Pkiyhec, good Jobson, stay with me 
to-night, and for once make merry at home. 

Job. Peace^peace, you jade, aiid go spin; for, 
if [ lack any thread for my ititchlng, I will pa- 
u^h you by virtue of ray sovereign authuiity. 

Hell. Ay, marry, no doubt of that ; whilst you 
t>ke jour swing at the alehouse, spend your sub- 
^luce, get drunk as a beast, then come home 
like a lot, and use one like a dc^. 

M. Xonnz ! do you prate ? Why, how now, 
t'uea^face, do you speak ill of the government F 

Don't you know, hussjr, that I am king in my 
own house, and that this is treason against my 
majesty ? 

Nell. Did ever one hear such stuff! But, I 
pray you now, Jobson, don't go to the alehouse 
to*night ! 

Job. Well, 111 humour you for once ; butdonlt 
grow saucy upon't; for I am invited by nr Jobtt 
Lovcrule's butler, and am to be princely drunk 
with punch, at theJiall place; we thaiX have a 
bowl Inrge enough to swim in. 

Nell. But they say, husband, Uie new lady will not 
suflier a stranger to enter her doors ; she grudges 
cveu a draught of small beer to her own servants ; 




and several of the tenants have come home with 
bruken headn from her ladysliip's own hands, only 
for smeUing strong beer in the house. 

Joi. A pox oil her for a fanatical jade ! she 
has almost distracted the good knight : But she's 
now abroad, feasting with her relations, and will 
sctirce come home tu-night ; and we arc to have 
much drink, a fiddle, and merry gambols ! 

Nell. O dear husband ! let me go with jou ; 
we'll be as merry as the night's long E 

Job. Why, how now, you bold baggage ! would 
you be carried to a company of smooth-faced, 
eating, drinking, lazy serving-men? no, no, you 
jade, I'll not be a cuckold. 

Nell. I'm sure they would make me welcome; 
you promised I should see the house, and the fa- 
mily has not been here before, since you married 
and brought me home. 

Job. Why, thou most audacious strumpet, dar'st 
thou dispute with me, thy lord and master ? Get 
\a and spin, or else my strap shall wind about 
thy ribs most confoundedly. 

AIR.— TAe TwUcker. 

He that has ihe best wife. 

She's the plague of his life ; 
But for her that will scold and will quarrel, 

L/^t him cut her off short 

Of her meat and her sport. 
And ten times a day hoop licr barrel, brave boys ! 
And ten times a duy hoop her barrel. 

Nell. Well, we poor women must always be 
slaves, and never have any joy ; but you men 
run and ramble at your pleasure. 

Job. Why, you most pestilent b^^age, wilt you 
be hooped ? Be gone. 

Nell. I mast obev. [Going. 

Job. Stay ! now 1 think on't, here's sixpence 
for you ; )£et ale and apples, stretch and puflT thy- 
self up with lamb's-wool, rejoice and revel by thy- 
self, be drunk, and wallow in thy own sty, like a 
grumbling sow as thou art. 

He that has the best wife, 

She's the plague of his life, i^r. [Exeunt. 

SCENE II. — Sir Joun's house. 

BvTLER, Cook, Footman, Coachman, Luct, 
Lettice; 4c. 

But. I would the blind fiddler and our dancing 
neitihlxmrs were here, that we nimht rtjoice a 
little, while our termagant lady is abniad; I have 
made a most sovereign bowl of punch. 

Liity. We had need rejoice Miiiietinies, for 
our devilish new lady will never suffer it in her 

But. I will maintain, there is more mirth in a 

f^Uey, than in our family : Our master, indeed, 
IS the wortiiiest gentleman nothing but sweet- 
ness and liberality. 

Foot. But here's a lionse turned topsy-turvj, 
from heaven to hell, since she came hither. 

Lucy. His former lady was all virtue aud mild- 

But. Ay, rest her soul, she was so; but this 
is inspired with a legion of devils, who make her 
lay about her like a fury. 

huci/. I am sure 1 always feel her in my bones: 
if her complexion don't please her, or she looks 
yellow in a morning, I am sure to look bladi.and 
blue for it before night. 

Cook. Pox on her ! I dare not come within her 
reach. I have some six broken heads already. 
A lady, quotha ! a she-bear is a civiler animal. 

Foot. Ileaven help my poor master ! [his de- 
vilish termagant scolding wumim will be the death 
of him ; I never saw a man so altered all the days 
of my life. 

Cook. There's a perpetual motion in that tongue 
of hers, and a rinnmed shrill pipe, enough to 
break the drum of a man's ear. 

Enter blind Fiddler, Jobson, and neighboun. 

But. Welcome, wclojme all; this is our wish ! 
Honest old acquaintance, goodman Jobsun ! how 
dost thou f 

Job. By my troth, I am always sharp set to- 
wards punch, and aip now come with a firm re- 
solution, though hut a poor cobler, to be as rich- 
ly drunk as a lord. I am a true English heart, 
and look upon drunkenness as the best port bf 
the liberty of the subject. 

But. Come, Jobson, well bring out oar bowl 
of punch in solemn procession ; and then for a 
song to crown our happiness. 

[Thei^ all go outt and return with a boml ef 

AlVL—Charles of Sweden. 

Come jolly Bacchus, god of wine. 
Crown this niuht with pleasure; 

JjCt none at cares of life repine. 
To destroy our pleasure : 

Fill up the mighty sparkling bowl. 

That every true and loyal soul 

May drink and sing without controul. 
To support our pleasure. 

Thus, miglity fticchus, shalt thou be 

Guardian of our pleasure; 
That, under thy pnitection, we 

May enjoy new pleasure. 
And ns the hours glide away, 
We'll, in thy name, invoke their slay^ 
And sing thy prnisrs, that we may 

Live and die with pleasure. 





But, The lud| ami llic royal family, in a biini- 
■er! — 


n«Tr'« « p»od hrallh to tlic king, 
Ami fttnd litin a pnwpennw rt-ign ; 

O'er hiUs Mt)d liiuli maun liki its, 

We'll flrink Arv tUr liHtnriiins, 
Until tltf tuu riMrs di^in, bntve hoys! 
UniiJ the sua rues ngain. 

Then, bci*'* m ihce, my hnj boon> 
And hwe'-i lu the*, my buy lioon ; 

Ai wf'vc larnvil nil dny 

For t'l drtiik tlon-n ihe stin, 
So «f '11 un-y bikI drmk duwo ihc moon, brave 

So w«*U tany and drink dom> iI»o niooii. 

0«Mr«. 11 una! 

£ii/^Sin Jons, flru/LAOT. 

IjtJy. O neitrcnnnHcnrih ! Wbai'v here with- 
my Alton f U boll I>rnkv loosed W'Imi troops 
'endt mre ber« f ^irnili, you impiidvnt ntscal, 

Sir Jokn. For ihaoic, my dear! A « this is 

« bins of mirth nrifl jollity, it ha* always bt'rn 
the ortu in of my Iiuum:, tu |;ivo my wniinU li- 
httVr in thf- srnvfh, and to treat my couittrv 
Ott^b>iiin>, ihul with inaocent spurts tlicy iii:iy 
^rt Umfiiclvcs. 

Im^> I MV, m«ddlc wit)) yniir own afTnir- : I 
«iU pivem my own Ixxise, niihont yourpoitinK 
ii an oar. ^hBtl I n«k leave id correct my nun 

Sir JrtAn. t ihniiglit, mudnm, thi<i had hof^n 
m^ hooac, and tht>e my tcniinu and KnnuL>J. 

Lm*fy- l^iil I brim; it iWtunc, to tie thus ahiiscd, 
tad mxiiihtid befnrv pmple? Do you aill my nii- 
tbortty III lucfttKiii. iinL;mtcful miin? Lofik ynu 
tB ttiur d'tji^ and hnrH'(» abroad, lint it »linil iie 
tai yt^niuCv tn i^vi^rn here; nor will I be cnn- 
lnaiE(l by e'er a huniiug, ba^vking knigiit m 

AIB.— Sef l;y Mr Sz£do. 

Sit Join. Yr ff^ ! Tou ipve to me a wife. 

Out uf your trace and I'avour, 
To br the comfort of my lifr. 

And 1 WB»> t£l)"l tt* liavf tirr : 
Hut if yntir I'nividcnce ilivine. 

For artiitcr bli-* d«.-sii:n her. 
To tibey yoitr miIU at anv liino 

1 am ready to rcugn her. 

tW it i« o> be married to a continiiiLl tempest. 
W» «iu| tMrne, cniitiiu; uiid liyimcrisy, are t-lpr- 
fi^J afiooL — 'I'l* impoMihlc to bear it lon^. 
Im^ Ye 6Ulir scoundretsy and odious jndcs! 

I'll tmdi yuii to jiinLf^ thos, ahi! steal my pro*i- 
sioiis: J shull be dcYdiiri'd iil this rule. 

Riil. 1 (himstit, muilam, we tni^lit bo merrr 
once ii]»ijii II liohrluT. 

iM'ty. Mtiliit^iv, yon popifth cur! Iv one dajr 
more holy tlmn titiiirhrrr and il' it be, you'll be 
sure to uct drunk u|>i>n it, you roeuc! [Beati!iimJ\ 
Vnu mini, yttn impudi-ut tlirt, arc ^ou ji(:sinQ iC 
nl'U.T an afaDOitimblc Ii4ldlc? all danruic i» t^lKnisfay 
hucby ! [''"I^* A^'* ^'/ 'A^ forft 

iMctt. O lud ! she Inw pullMl nffbolh my eai-s. 

Sir 'JtJ>n. Hray, inadiim, ronsidrr yhur dcx and 
qunlily ! I blu»h lor your behAiinur. 

Lndif. Consider your inrupacity ; you ^hall not 
iitstmrc rae. Who are ynu, thuK muOU'd ? you 
biirzard ! [She heatt them aU ; .loBso^ steals by, 

Joh. I aiD an liont-vt, plnin. pMilni-sin^s ^'^ 
Uer, inmlum ; if vuur lady^Iiip would but go to 
church, ynu might liear mc nbore nil the rest 

iWy. rn try thy voice here first, villain ! 

[Stnkcs him, 

Jah. Nonnx ! what a pox, what a deril niU 

Im^v. O profane wretch ! wiekcd mrict ! 

.S*> Jahn. For <;hati)C ! your lithnviuur is moiv 
strous ! 

JMtfy. Was crer poor lady so miseraUe in a 
brui»b husbami n> I nin i I, thut am so pious, and 
M* religious n woiumi ! 

Job. [Sings.] lie that 1ms the best wife, 
■SIilS the pln'iuc of lil« life. 
But for bcr that will scold and will fi'iunel — 

[iiiii Job. 

Jji/ti/. () rthjiK-, scoimdrel, villain! 

.S*r John. KcmcmluT mo'lcsty. 

ImJi/. I'll milt voo all nith a I'engeance; 111 
spoil V'lur ttqui-nkiim trtr'ilc. 

(Hrriti thf tidiHe ittmut (hr htind men't heoH. 

t'lti. <> munk'r, nniider! I am n dark man; 
tvliich way .Oiiill I qct hence? <-lh IJeavcn I »lie 
lias broke my Addle, and utidunc me nod my wifu 
and chiUlntn. 

Sir John. Here, jiooi- fellow • take your itiifT 
and bf Konc ; Tl»cre'» money to buy t*)U two inrh; 
that'* your way. ] Hjif fid/Her. 

Ladif. Mcthtnk<i you arr very libcruU sir ; must 
my eiitntc maintmn you in your profuw'uess ? 

Sir Johit. ih> op to your clir>ct, pmy, and cont- 
posc ytHtr niiikd. 

jMritt. O wicked man ! to bid me pray ! 

Sir John. A man can't be coniplcielv eurM, I 
ice. without marriage ; hot, *!ince there k such 
a thini; us vparnte inaiiiteiiance, (the fthiUl to- 
morrow enjoy (he benefit ni it. 

AITU — Of all eotufiwti J miKHrricd. 
Of the states in life so viiriou'i, 
Mnrriagt*, mre, ii roo«t pn'Carioiia; 
Tia a auae to ttronfiely wmdinij^ 
Still we are new mazes lindiug; 




*Tts an ftctton so wvere, 
Tlint noujiht but drath can set us dear, 
lluppv's Uic mail, rroiu wedlock free. 
Who Knows lo priic his libcrij : 

Were innn »ary 

lliiw they nutrnr, 
We should not be b; half bo full of misery. 

^KMOeking at the doorJ\ Here, vthere ore my %kt- 
k^nuiUf Must they be fnghicd from uic? — VVitliiu 
Ptbere — Ke who knock*. 

XtfdT^. Within Uitre ! — Where are ray sluu ? Yc 

drabs, yc queans — Lights tiicrc \ 

Enter Seruaiitt siuakingt nith candUs. 
Suf. Sir, it is u doctor that livoi teiiiuilesoff; 
J In pniclisCA lihjsic, auil n an aBtntlut-cr : your 
l.worwup knunit hint very well; he ib b cunuiiie 
inuui, makes almnnocks, and cou help people to 
I their gouds ngniii. 

Entn- Doctor. 

Hoc. Sir, I humbly \\&^ your honour's parduu 
for this un>cnson»hlc inrrusion ; but 1 aiu l>c- 
iiighlc<l, trad 'ti» so ihtrk that I ctin't poM'ibly 6iid 
my way hwne; and kmiwing your worship'* htis- 
pitabty, desire the favour to be harboured urtder 
jour roof lo-oiphL 

Ltidy. Out of my faouMii jod lewd conjurer, you 
> mKiciou \ 

Dot. Here's a turn \ — Here's a chance ! — Well, 
if I hare any nrt, ye shall siunrt tor ihii. [ Jiii/r. 

Sir Juhn. Vnu sec, fnciid, I aui nut nia^tcr of 
I my own bouse; therefore, to avoid nnv utien^i* 
neas* go down the lone about a quarter of a railc, 
and you'll <«c a cnblcr's cnttti^c; stay thfirc a 
Itttk!, add I'll send my servant to conduct yon to 
a tenant's Ikius^ where yoo'U be well cnCertaiit- 

Doe. I thank you, sir ; I'ra your niobt huinlilo 
servant. — But, a^ fur your Irni) thr-re, she ithnll 
this nieht feel my rt^scntniciiL {Erit, 

Sir John. Conic, mttduiu ; you and I tnatA liavc 
some omffirencc together. 

Lady. Yes, I will have n conference and a re< 
formatioD* too, in this house, ur I'll turn It up- 
ftide down — I will. 

.AIR.. — CoHtenttd count ryj'armer. 

Sir John. Grant nie, ye powrrs, but thisrequeM, 
And lei who will the world t-tnitest; 
Cum'ey her to sonii' dntani shore, 
Whertr I may ne'er Im-IihIH her more: 
Or let me to some cottik|;e fly, 
In freedom's arms to live and die. 

SCENE III.— TTie CoWt's. 

Nell, and the Doctor. 
JfeU. Pray, sir, mend ytnir draught, if you 
T^Uuae ; you arc very welcome, tir. 

Due. Thank you heartily, Rood woman, and 
to n-quitc viiur dvihty, 1*11 fril y-rti yt)Ur fortune. 

yjitl. (>. prnv du, ^^u*; I never had my forfuno 
told mc in uiv life. 

Dni-. Let riie hrtiold iIht lines of your face. 

iV<-//. I'm uinud, «ir, 'tis none uf tlie cleanest; 
I huvc been ab.itit diity work all this day. 

Dttc. Come, come, 'tis n good face ; be noi 
Bslioiited of It; yuu shall shew it in greater places 

yelf.'O dear sir, I shall be miehtily ashamed! 
1 want ducity when I come bf-fure ^reat folks. 

Dof. Vou must be co»ihdent, and fear no- 
thina ; lliere is inudi hnppiiicw nttcuds you. 

NrU. Oh luc ! thit is u rare man ! Heaven 1* 
thanked ! 

J>n:. To inorniw, before sunrise, you shall be 
L!>e tiappieat wuiuaii in thi& cntintry. 

NfH. llow! hy to-morrow? alack-»-day • sir, 
how can that he ? 

Doc. No more shall you be troubled with a 
suHt husband, that mils at, and slni|u ym. 

JVr//. Liifl ! Imw runie he lo know that.' he 
□lust be a ciiiij'irer ! Indeed my husband is some- 
wiiat rugged, and in hi« rii|» will beat t>)e, hut 
It is not murh, Hc*t« uu honi'si paiuvtnkinp man, 
ajid I let him have lufc way. I'ray, sir, take dve 
other cup uf ale. 

Dor. I timnk you. — Relieve me, txwnorrow 
vnu shall lie llic riche^t wutn.-iu in the hundred, 
and ride ii) v<>ur own coacti. 

jNV//, Ofuther! you jeer me. 
Doc. By my nri, I do not. But mari my 
wonln; bo cunGiknt, and bear all init, or wona 
will follow. 

NelL Never fear, sir, I warrant you -Q 

fciuiiii ! A cnncli ! 

AIR. — Send home my tong-ttnyfit eyes. 

My swelling heart now leaps for joy, 
And riches nil my thouKlits einphiy; 
No more »hall people <.']dl me Neil, 
llrr ladyship ivdl du as well. 
Decked in luv gtildni. nch array, 
I'll in my cJntriot roll away, 
.A'lil »liuic at rini;, at hall, aiul pint. 

Enter JoDM>x. 

Job. Where is tliis quean ? I lere. Nell ! What 
a \nn, are y lu drunk «nh y<)ur lamh'*-wool t 

Nell. O luisUmd ! herf.'* die rarest man — be 
bus (old me ruy f«>rtune ! 

Joh, Has he hi ? and planted my fortune, too! 
a tu<>ty pairuf liurns upon my IhhkI!— £h?— b 
it ni»t so? 

Doc. Thy wife is a virttwus woman, and tboa 
wilt Ik.- happy. 

Job. C'tuie onl, vou hnnC"flni!i ^' - -'-- tqq 
chentinc himboo/tiu^ vitlain I ini>- "Id- 

cr] hy sui'h roL^ut-it as voa aio f i. ■..,.. ....mi^ 

imd al m ana c k -makers ! 




NtIL Priihec, peace, huaband ! we shall be 
ricli, and harv a cuoch nf nur own. 

Juk. A ooach ! a tiut, a wimfMiarrow, rou 
jade ! — Bjp the mackio, kIh's drunk., htoodv drunk, 
jaamt oonAmndedly dntak ! — Get voii to bed, yui< 
Jtramprt. * [Beatt her. 

Neii. O. mercy on us ! la tikis a tasic of iu,y 
fpnd t'ortiinc f 

Uoc, Yon had better doc hare uiacbed her, 
jou Mirlr rogue. 

M. Out of my bouse, you villain, or FU run 
at nm\ up to the handle in your body ! 

Doc, f arrwell, you paltry alare ! 

Jot. <Jet out, you rogue ! [Esettnt. 

£CBNE IV. — Changa to an open country. 

Allt— m* ipinYi tong tn Macbeth. 

My liltJe spirits now appear. 
Nadir and Abi!>hu|; druw near. 
The tJiDC 19 &hort, make no delay, 
Then quidtly basic, and come away : 
Nor moon, nor star* utTiird tliuir Itght, 
Bui all is wrapt iu gloomy ui|i;lit : 
Both mrn nnn Iteabts to rc«t incliuc, 
And all ihuigft favour my dcMgti. 

^urils. [Within.] Say, master, nlmt is to be 

Doct. My strict rommand!^ be sure nttctid, 
Fnr, err this night »hall have nn end, 
You mubt this roblcr'n wifi* Imn^form, 
And, to the knight's, tlic hkc pcrfumt : 
With all your most sfwcitic clinnos, 
t'oovcy rach wife la ditlcrpnt arms; 
I^t tlie delusion be ku slroiig. 
That uuoc may know the rii^ht from wrong. 

Wifk' } '^'^ '^'" ^^ *'" ^*"'* '^^^ perfi>nu, 
'"* I Iu UmiiUcr, ligUtuin^ mid a sumn. 


SC^ST^ v.— CAfflirgia to the eohler'i hanae. Job- 
SOX uf aork. The bcit m riea: 

Jot, Whai devil hR« been abroad tn-nie^it^ I 
aner heard such clnps of ihuttdir ui my life. I 
tiiiMi*ht my Intle huvrl wnuld hiive ttown away ; 
bat now all is dciu' aii^in, aud a Hnc ^tnr-lii'lit 
J it is. Ill **ttle myself to work. They 
Wj mMcr'i thunder hnn;^ summer's wonder. 

AIB. — Charming SaUy, 

or all the trades from cast tn west, 
fhm oobters, past i-nutriKlin^, 

b Itltc io time to prine ihc best, 
^Vhicfa every day i^ mending. 

How great his praue who ran amend 
TIk siials of all his nei);litHJur5, 

Ntir i» unmindful of hi.s end, 
Uut to liLs laiit Mill lalMHirs! 

Latttf. Mrvday ! what impudent ballad-sincing 
rogue is tliiLt, who dnren wakt: nic uul uf my 
5kep' I'll have you 6cad, you niscnl ! 

Job. \^'ll3a ij pFis ! dues she talk in her steep? 
or ii) she drunk, imll? [A'lit^i. 

AIIl. — Nmp ponder aWj^ yt parcntt dear, 
in Uatb, a waiiiim wife did dw«ll, 

As Chancer he did write, 
Who wamonly did *pend her time 

Iu iimiiv u fuud deli^liL 
M\ on a time M>rc Mck she was. 

And she at lcui;tli did die. 
And thri) liir muiI iit pHnidise 

Did knuck niu^i lui^tmly. 

Lady. Why, villain, riiM-al, wrrocch-ow] ! wh« 
makc«t a wursc iiuii>e ilian ii d^i^; hun^ m rhe 
pales, or a hog in u high wmd ; inhere are uXl 
my servants? homebody come, and hum^innt; l!iis 
roiiiKf. \KHOik$, 

Jot>. Why, Kow BOW, you bra/cn queiui ! Yi)tt 
must get drunk witli the otnjurer, mu>t you ? I'll 
civG you iiHiiHY anotht-r time to apcnd in lainb>- 
vtuol, you MUL'y jade, sliaii I ? 

Lodif. MoiiMruus ! 1 can find no bell to ring. 
Where arc my wrvantb ? I'hey shall tois hiio in 
u hluukeu 

Joti. Ay, thejftdf's asleep Mill; tlie ronjurer 
tohl her »l>e iiliould keep her coach, and bhe ii 
riruaiuiiig uf her equijia^e. [Sings, 

I will cotne io, in spite, shu said, 

Of nil ?uch churls as thee, 
Thi)ti art the raiiM; of all uur pain, 

Our grief and niiiicry. 
Thou tirsi broke the romntandemeut, 

hi honitur of thy wife : 
When Aduni heard \h-t say these words, 

He ran away for life. 

Lady. Why, husband ! Sir John ! will you 
suffer me lu be thus iu^ulted f 

Joh. HtislMiiul!' Sir John ! what a-pox, has she 
knizhied rue? And my name's i^eicel too! a good 
jpst, fititli ! 

Lady. I la! he's^ime; he is not in the bod. 
Ileavcci ! where am i? Foh ! what loathsome 
smells are here? Canvas ^teets and a lilthv rag- 
lied curtain ; a l->ea<l)y nij;, and n tir»ck-bc</. Am 
1 awake? oris it all a dream ? What ro^iic is 
rlittt ? Sirrali ! W here am 1 ? W ho hrou^^ht me 
hitlier? What macitl arc you ? 

Joh. Thi-t i!« amaxini; ! 1 never heard sittch word^ 
fnim her before. If 1 take iiiv strap to you. I'll 
makejou know your hu^btuid. I'll teach yo(| 
better maimers, you saucy dnib ! 




Ladt. Oh, astonishing itnpudcnce ! Yon my 
liiishaiiH. sirrah P I'll have tou baniced, you ru^iie ! 
I'm a !»((>. \xx mc know who hu giicn aic u 
»lec(iiiij'-«niii]^lil, oikI coiivcycct nic hiUicr, you 
dtitv riulvt ? 

JyA. A sleeping-draught ! yc-i, you drunVen 
jodi.- ; you luiH a slecfm^-dmughi witJ>-a-|>ox \x% 
^uu. What, bu Do[ your Iimb^wool done wurl- 
inc yci ? 

i^it/y. U'licpc am I ? Wliere has my iillttino»i» 
hu>,lKii»l jiut me ? Lucy! Lctlice ! Where nrc my 
queim» ? 

Ji^. Ila, lia, ba ! what, does idie call her 
ntaids, tiK) ? The cttryuror has m&dc her nuid as 
well us dniiik. 

htdy. Ik lalka of conjuror*; sure I am be- 
witched. Hu ! what clottiM arc iK-rt; ? a litidsfv- 
wimlscy Rriim, a ciUicn liood, a red l>a\4 petti- 
coat ! I am rcnio\<?d rrotn my uwn Ikxim- bv 
wittlicrafl. Wlint must I do? W liatwiil lii.-»-(»mc 
ui mti [Hornt Kind vithout. 

Jol/. Iliirk ! the huiKera and thv mcrrv \v>nn 
■re abroad. Why Nell, you lazy j»dc, 'tf-* brtnk 
of duy ! u* wurk, tii work ! cumc nitd t^piii, ynu 
dmJi, ur I'll tan ymir hide lor you ! Wliiil-o-pot, 
must I be nl work two jioun before you iu a 

Ljdy. Why, sirmh, thou imfmdeut vilUiin, dosi 
th<iu not know me< you rogue i 

Job. Know you I yei^ [ know you wril cnoiiEh. 
and I'll make yuu Cuuw ui: before 1 have dune 
with you, 

Ladif. i am sir John Luvcrule s lady ; how 
came I here? 

Jub. bir John Loverule'jt lady ! nn, Nell ; not 
quite »t bitd. neither; that diuiitied stiuv;y, fana- 
tic whuH', |»lagucs every onv tlial cunies iwor her ; 
ihc whole («unlry ctir»cs her. 

Ladff. S»y, tlteu, I'M Itold no longer; yoa rociie ! 

von iiiMilcnivillum I 111 tesich you better nuinner^ 

[i'fingt tfi< UJttaff", and other thing*, at him. 

Jet. This i» more ilian rver 1 saw by bcr ; I 
never Imd nn ill word fmin (wrr bctorr. Corner 
6tnifH I'll try your mettle; I'll w)ber you, I i 
rant yon, nurnn. [lit. itrap§ hrr, ihr fiir* at i 

ijdy. Ill pull your tlinMit out: I'll icarj 
vour eyes! I am a lady, ijrrab. O tnurdiTl 
miinWr! Sir .lolui Luvende will hang yuu for 
thti : rnurdL-r * murder! 

J^dt. Cuine, bu^ny, leave fooJilHt, and come to 
your spliuiiiig, orcls^- HI lamb you; you ne'er wiw 
iu binibcd Muce tou kctc an inch lone, Tnke it 
up, voujade. [.^ /linfis it don-n, he %lrap» her. 

J^tUf. Hold, hold! I'll do uuy thiui^ 

Joi>. Oh ! I thought I diould bring you to your^ 
self otmiii. 

Lady. What shall I do? I can't spin. [Jmde. 

Jul: I'll into my stall ; 'ti» brond day, now. 

[||'ur/.-j and MiRp. 

AlU.— Tiwr, let laprtpart. 

Let inalten) uf statu 

DU(|ulci tlie great. 
The cobler liiu nuui^hl to perplex kim; 

Iln<* n<ni>;lil but hi» wife 

To rulilc his life. 
And her he ctn strap if she va bim. 

He's out of the power 

Of fnrumc, that nborc, 
SincR low us citn be shr lia& titnist him; 

From dooM he's bccure. 

For btinfj so [mor, 
Tlicre's nooc to be TouikI that will tnt»t him. 

Iltydny, I think the jade'k brain a turitrd ! Wba^ 
have you lor;itit to spin, hum? 

Latiji. But I havi; nut fur^nt to run. [11 c^Ok 
try my feel ; 1 iJinll tiud ^outebodv in the tuwa, 
sun', tlint will liuaitur nie. (Sit runt imt. 

Jtfi. Wluit, does she run for it? I'll after licr. 

[ IU ruiu Mf' 


SCENE L — changes la Sib Jook's Amur. 

Nell h beA 

Xfll. What pleasant dreains I Have bad to- 
Itiirlit I Mrthnut;ht I was in |mr»diM-, upon n )n»I 
ot violets and ruses, and the sweetest hu^UunI 
by my side ! Ha ! bless nie, where am I now i 
Wliat sweets are these? No garden in llie spring 
cau equal tlicni : Am 1 on a bed f The sl>cet« are 
sarsenet sure ! no linen eter wa>i so fine. What 
& gay, kilketi robe Iwve I i:ot? (.) Heaven! I 
dream ! Vet, if tliis be a dream, 1 would not wish 
ti> wake nenin. .Sure, I died last night, and went 
to Heaven, luid tliia i» it. 

Enter LircT. 
iMiy. Kon must I awake an ainriu, tlitil will 
^H lie etill again till midnight^ at soonest ; the 

first greeting, T suppose, will be jadt:, 6r nbot«- 
Madam ! matUin f 

AV//. Oeeinini! who'i this? WlmC dott ay* 
swccthctirl f 

L*rv. .Sweciheart! Ob lutl, sw wl heart ! iIjo 
lii:<t iiaiiics 1 liQve Imd Uiese three inoiiihs frtHQ 

hrr, hove bceu slut, or wlmre. Wbnl goMI 

and rtttOes will ynur ladyship wear lo-4laf ? 

NfU. Wlinl docs stie mean? Iiulv»tiip ! gowtil 
and rudlcs ! Sure 1 am uwoke : Uh ! 1 rcueiDt)cr 
the cimiiini' m»u now. 

iMiy. Did vour ladyship speak ? 

AV/?. Ay, c'bild; I'll wear Uih some I did y»* 

Liwv- Mercy upon mc! — Child I — Here's a 
miracle I 

£i»/fr L&mf«. 

i>r. !» my liuJY awake? Unvc you had htr 
shoe or bcr slipper Hung at your bead yet ? 




Im^ Ob no, Fm nvctjored ; sbc's lo the kiod- 
faiMDoiir .' ro lu ilic b«d, axuJ speak to her ; 

w m vnar dine. 

£r'- \i«*'> my tiiiir * what, to have uioUier 
\ tooth twat uiit !-^ — Madam ! 

S'fiJ. What dfwt sat, iny dear? O futUer ! 

\ «iMt woald alie havf f 

Let. What vrurk will jour litdv^iip ptcasc to 
' hare d'Kke uvHajr ? Shnll I work j>liiii»-wurk, or 
£ti lA my ftUtchins ' 

ATW/.'Work, chdd! *tM holiday; no work lo- 

Let. Ob merey ! am T, or «he auake ? nr du 
«c built dmuo ? HcrL*** a hlc»Acd rhaiipc ? 

tur^. U it cuntutuck, ne ihall be a happy fa- 

Ist. Vour ladyship's i-liocolale i* ri-arlT. 
^iK Mercy tin mc ! *vli«l'> lliat? Scwnc gnr- 
[ I tupjKMc' [Jhc^.] — Put it oa UiCQ, sweti- 

Let. PuE it OD, uudam! I Ivave cakea it ofT; 
'trt trady to ttrink. 

A'li/. I meat), put it by; I daa'i care for drink- 

Enter Cook. 

C^k. Sow pi I like a bear to the ^ttake, to 
Ldow her acurry ladyship's c<Muni«uds olj<>ut din- 
Mr. Horn twaay ri-niDv itnmet inuM: I he rnElcil. 

Lei, Ofi, Jolin C'tKfk ! ynu'U be mil »( yuur 
*"it9 to And my lady tn m ^vet t ;i leiupcr. 

Cook. Wliiit a devil! arc (hi-y nil ntnd ? 

i^M^. Madajii> IvLTc'i the cuuk come Kboiil 

XirA Oh ! thcn's a tine cook ! lie lni)k» like 
OH of your |!i>nilet<dkv [Autit.] — Indeed, lioit«*>t 
■un* Pm very hunt'ry iiuw; prny f.el lu*: a rusher 
u^ the mut^ ft piece of unc niilk cliee«ej and 
V«e white bread. 

Caok. Hey ! wliaiV to d<i here i my lif>iid lurus 
nmd. llimt^t ni!in ! 1 hmkcd tor rn^iie or nis- 
cii, Nt Ictot. afte'-i stntnucly rhanccd m Imt diet, 
ki»rllA9 l»er humour, (jtiiic] — I'm atVaid, nm- 
'■I ttaruit will sit very hcuvy on vour 
..ich, m a n)n^nin;^ If you pleaw, 
^ ynu up (I n hiu- IrirHSCc iif rhit-k- 
^tt- <uiid-itii ; or «hiil dues ywir lody- 

•kij' - veal swetibrtyd? 

^ iia[ VfNi will, uikhI cook. 

I ■ ■ I cuuk! guod took! Ah! 'tis a 


Kitter Bu.lUr. 

! kin «#, C.'ht[», I am oiil of my wita; We 
rW liiiidea. s<»t >ri-,r ludv ! 
t Vou shiiiiiiiiMv t'i-^tic, I think you are out 
wita* all ut' ye ; the maidii look merrilvt 

I.... ii,.^\t}^ butU-r, nuutam, lo know your 

^Ji-ay Mj- Bnili-r! lei mc linvc aomc 
>Ml-bctt when my birakfiut Loiuea ia 

Rut. Mr Butler! Mr Butler! I shall be tnmed 
into stone with amnwmciitl [.jUiJf.]— Would not 
ynur Indyihip rather have a glass ot* Frouiima^ 
or Lacryiiie? 

AV//. O dear ! what hard inniea an: dicre ! 
hill I must not brtruy mysdf. \Aiide.'\ — Well, 
nhiUi yuu ptca&e, Mr Butler. 

Enter Coachman. 

But. Co, gel vcu in, and be rejoiced as I am. 

Coach, rtie cook has been roakinE; bis game I 
know itot how long. Wliai, do you bnnter, luo? 

Lutif. Mndnm, the coarhmnn. 

Coiuh. I come to know il' vour ladysJup goci 
out to-day, and which you'll hnve, the coacli or 

Ml, Ciood tack-a-day ! 1*1) ride in the coad), 
il' you please. 

Coach. The sky will fell, tluit** certain. [ lleit. 

Ar//. I can hnrdiv diink I am awukc yc(. IIov 
nell picftbed thev aJl seotn to wait upon mc ! O 
notiihip cunninji; man ! My lund turns round I I 
am cjuite giddy ivith my own liappiucss. 

AIK.— ITAo/ though lama cotmtry last. 

Thou|>h late I was a cobler'a wife, 

In oottnge niu^t ubscurc-a. 
In plaia stuff-gown, mid >li(>n-carcd coif| 

Hard labour did ciidurc-a: 

The scene is dianged, Vm altered quitCj 

Anil fnim (loor huiublc Ncll-a. 
I'll iL-nni to danct', to rend, and Miitc, 

And from all bear the bell-a. [Exit. 

Enttr Sir John, meeting his Hrrantu 

But. Oh, sir ! l»ero's the mrest news ! 

Lufi/. 1'bcre never wna the tike, sir ! you'll be 
ovcrroycti and amazed. 

Sir 'John. What, are tp mad ? What's tim roatr 
icr witli yc? Iluw now ! Ivcre'a a new face iu my 
tmnily; wtml'-s lU? niciuiiiit' of all this? 

Hut. Oh, sir! tliL- faintly 's turned upside duwiL 
V\'i- ikrv- almost distraclcd : tiie happiest people ! 

J.uctf. Ay, my hidv, Mr, my lady. 

Sir John. What. \s \hc dead? 

Bui. Dead ! llcavtn forbid ! Ol she*a thebett 
womun, the HWfrlcst lady ! 

Sir Mn. Thv* in nttontshtne ! T mu^t go and 
iiirpiire into thin wonder. If this he true, I »iia*.t 
rejiiice tndee<l. 

But. ''t'is true, sir, upon my houour. Long 
live 3tr John and my lady ! huzza ! 

Enter NcLL. 

Nvii. 1 well remenilKr ihr cuiming inao warn- 
ed ine tn litar all out with confidence, or worse, 
Ut said, would t'nllow. I am n^nmcd, and know 
iH>t nhnt tn do with all this ct:remuny: I am 
aiuuicd, uod out of my scusei. I looked ia iho 




aod SAW a (^y line thui<> 1 kiww ddI; mc- 

OURhi iiiv fnce Mai not i>i all like ilint 1 )iav-e 

' Been III Ufjiiie. ill II meve of l<«i>kiiiu-gln»^ tutviiFcI 

uiMtri till* i-iip-biHinl. Hut grfnt ladies, t]w\ say, 

basv Anncni\fv:}»sie*f ttiiil ^ctv titctn ttir unlike 

rthcin^rlves whilst po-ir folkk gU»C9 represent 

Ibcu e'en ju»t wi tliey arc. 

AIK ~IWi* f wtu a i2vme i^ honour. 
Fine ladies, with an artful i^ncc, 

Dist^uise each native fcuture ; 
Vi'hil<>t flattcriiu; KlA^SfA shew the fac^ 

At) tuiuk' bv an, not natui-c ; 
But WK pour folks in hairie-«j>un grey, 

Bv (jatcli Qor washes tainted, 
I/n)k t'resli and sweeter far than they, 

'['hat ttill arv finely piuntcd. 

Xvcy. O nwdaiu ! here's my master just re- 
tumtafroiu hunting. 

Enter Si a Jobs. 

NeU. O geuiiui ! this hue ((entlenian my hus- 
Ixuid ! 

Sir John. My dear, I am OTcrjoyed to sec my 
family thua Irunspurtcd with cx»ta»y which you 

NcU. Sir, I shall always be proud to do every 
ihin^, that riuiy give yuu dclit:ht| ur yuur famiiy 

Sir John. Br Heaven, \ am charmed ! dear 
creature, if ihnu amiitiue>i tlin*, I had rather 
eiijny ttiee ihan the Indies. But cnii thti be mi f 
May I bclierr my m:il-«« f 

fielt. All iloa'a fpvii abuve can witncw for n»c, 
I ain in oarue^t. [KnrtU. 

Sif J'jfiH. lii^> tnv dearest ! Now am I Imppy 

indeed Where are inv friend*, inv senaots? 

call ihctii all, and let tlnin be witDc«ii«ii of mv 
happint'!». [AIj-i/. 

Ar//. O rare, sweet man! he smetb all uter 
like a nnt^euy. Lk-avvn preserve uiy mts \ 

AIH— "/'(laJ trithin afurhn^, i(C. 

Ntit. O channini: tiimiinc nuui ! tliuu b»»t been 
Tiondnms kind. 
And all diTsiiidto wurds do now prove 
tnir, I find ; 
Ten thi<u<)UiKi tfvnN|Nirti wvt. 
To cniwn m« htippy Uaio, 
Thu4 kiiised, and presaed, 
And duubly tlcMtnl 
fn alt thit pomp and >tiite : 
Ne* •cenes of joy arise, 
Whisfa fiii tttc with vurpnsc; 
lUy r«>cV, and rtx-l, 
Aud tpiuninir-wheel. 
Anil liuibaud 1 despise; 
Then .liihsoii, mm ailicu* 
Thx tvblii))!: siil) pursue, 
For bcnce 1 will uut, caniiul, no, nor must not, 
buckle 10. [Ezit. 

SCENE n.— JOBSOX'S ftoitM. 

Enter Lady. 
LaJif. Was ever lady yet so miserable ? I can't 
mnlcc one iwiul in the villaj^e ai^knowledge mc: 
tliry !>iirc uxc nil of the coQspiraor. Thii wicked 
hu&bund of mine bu laid a devifiih plot afpiiDti 
me. I must at prcwnl submit, that I mny here- 
after have an oppiirttniily o( esrcutinK my de* 
<>ign. licrc comes Uic roeuc; I'll Invc buu 
strangled; but now I must yield. 

£ii/er JoBSUM. 

Job. Come on, Nell ; art thoa come to thvMlf 
yet f 

Ltuly, Yes I thank you, I wonder wliat I ailed; 
thl& cuoDiitt! man has put powder in my dnok, 
muM cenainlv. 

Job. Powder! the brewer put good store nf 
powder of malt in it, that's all. Powder, quotK 
fthe ! ha, ho. Im ! 

iMtlt/. I ne\'<:r was so all the days of my lite. 

Jok. Was to ! no, nor 1 hope ne'er will be lo 
again, lo ]mt me to the trouble of strapping yoo 
»» dc%iliahly. 

Xotf V ^'" h^^ ^>"1 "gilt liand cut off for that, 
rogue. [Atuie.]^Yoit was unmerciful to bruise 
nie so. 

Job. Well, I'm going to sir John Loverutc's; 
all his tenants ate invited; there's to be rare 
fca»tinK and rcvellii^ and opeu house kept I'ur 
tiirrt' inoiitlii, 

Ijiitv. Husband, nlwti't I (ro wiih you 7 

Jiifi. \\ hat the devil oils thee now f Did I not 
tell thee but yesierday, I would strap tbee fur 
desiring to ^tj, and art tliou at it a^pun, with a 

Lady. What does the villain mean by tftrnp- 
ping, luid vealenlny? 

joi>. why, I have been married but mx werks 
and you ]vn% to muke me a cuckold already. 
Stay ai home, and be hanged I there's cood end 
pye in llic cuphuard; but I'll trust tlux no murv 
will) Mrun}^^■cr, hussy. [Fjtt. 

LfOfdif. Well, ril not be Isng after yuu ; me I 
!^all pjl Mime of my own family (o know me; 
tliey caift be all in tliis wicked plot. [£nf. 

SCENE HI.— Si a John's. 
Sir Jobn and companjf ettter, 


Sir Juhn. Wns ever man poMCSt of 

S«» Rwret, MJ kind n wife ! 
Dear sir, you nuike me proud : 
Re vou but kind, 
And vou ftluill find 
Alt the cnod I ran l»oa«t of 
Sluill etui hut wjih ray hfc^ 
Cive me thy li[»; 
Ftnt let me, dvar sir, n'ip« theaj 


Sir John, 






Was ever lo ftweet a wife ! 

[Kiuing her. 
■Thank you, dear sir ! 
I vfiw and [initest, 
I ne'er was so kissed ; 
A|^fit sir! 
Sir JoktL. AgsiD, mwl af;ain, mv dearest ! 
O maj it last far life ! 
What joj thus to enfuld thcc ! 
What pleasure to buhuld tliee I 
IndiiM-d iiunii) to Via ! 
Sir John, flow nivisbiiig the bliss ! 
h'cU. I little thou^it this morniii);, 

Twoutd CTcr cotnc to this. 

[Ofl Capo. 

EnUr Lady. 

Z^j/. IlcreV a fine mut and rioting I You, ur- 
nil, butler, VQQ rogue ! 

But. Why, how now ! Who arc you ? 

L«(/y. Imimdenc vnrlet ! DiiiVt you know your 

bml. Lady ! Uvre, tura this mad woman out 
of dcKm ! 

i«i^. You rascal ! lakr that, sirmh ! 

[Fiingi 9 gltiu at him. 

fW. Hare a care, hu^sy ! tticre's u ,;oDd pump 
wttbouc; we ^all cool your conra^ fur you. 

Lsi/y. YuUf l-ucy, late you furi^cc roc too, you 

Lucy. Fonrot you, womnii ! Why. I never re- 
ncmberad yuu : I never uw vou before id mv 

LmbfM Ob, the wicked ^ut ! I'll give ynu cause 
lo roDcmbcr me, I m ill, huuy. 

[PulU ktr heaiiilmhi off". 

Lita^ Morder ! Murd<rr ! Help ! 

Sir Jokn, How iiuw ! What iipmar*A tlii» i 

l^dm. YoUfLettJce, you slut! Won't you know 

[Striket her. 

Ut. Ilelp,help! 

Sir Jokm. What's to da there ? 

Bat. Whr, *)r. hcreV a inadwoman calls her- 
■If my lady, and is beating and cuffing us all 

Sir Joka. f To LiDV-]— Thou my wife! pnor 
rrouure ! I pity thee ! I never saw ilicc before. 

Ijmitf. Then It is in rain to expert rcdro^s Iruin 
liter, thau wtrLed contrtTCr of ail uiy nii^ry. 

HflL Huw am I amazed \ Can that be I, tlicm' 
■■ ny clothes, that have made all this disturbance r 
And ret I am here, to my thinking, m iIicm: hnc 
Aflwa How rail this bi- ^ 1 ani so confounded 
Md aflniihted* tluit I begin to msh I was nith 
Zckd Jobson again. 

Li^. To whom slinll I apply myself, or nhi- 
liitT on ] By? Ilravcn ! What do I wt ! Is not 
Aat I, yonder, in my cuMn atHl petticoat I wore 
irtaerdayf Uow can it be! I cannot be in two 



! Sir /((Am. Poor wretch ! She's itark mad ! 

Lodtf. What, in the devil's name, was I here 
before I came? Let me look in tlic i;l»ss. Oh 
Heavens! I nma«lonishcdj Idon't know myself! 
If tbs be I that Uk glau s)iews mc, I ne^er saw 
myself before. 

.Sir Ju/in. What incuherenl madness is this ! 

Enicr SuKiov. 

Ltuli/. Tlicrc, that's the devil in mj likeness, 
n-ho hiu robbed mc of my oountenance. Is ha 
here, too ? 

Job. Ay, hussy; and here's my stcap^ yoa 

NeU. O dear ! I'm afraid my husband nili beat 
me, that am on t'otln-r iiidc the room, there. 

Joii, 1 liupe your lioiiouni will pardun Uer; she 
was drinking with n conjurer last iiiglit, and has 
been mad ever Nitce, and calls herself my lady 

Sir JohH. Poor woroin ! uke care of her ; do 
not hurt hrr, ^lic mav be cured of this. 

Job. Yes, find please yuur wunhip, you shall 
sttc me cure lier })rescntly. Ilu^y, do vou sec 

JVeW. O ! pray, Zckcl, di»n*t beat me. 

StrJvtiM. What says tny lo\e f Does site infect 
thee with mmlncss, tooF 

NtlL I am not wcU; pray lead mc io. 

[Errnnt Nell and maid. 

Jo6. I hescech your wornlup don't take it ill of 
me ; she shall never trouble you more. 

Sir Jofin. Take Iter home, nud use Iter kindly. 

Luijf. What will become of me ? 

[Exeunt JoDSOK and Ladit. 


Foot. Sir, tlic doctor, who called here lost 
iii^hi, desires yuu will give him leave to speak a 
t^ord or two with you, upon very camest busi- 

^r John. What can this mean ? Bring him in. 

Enter DocTOB. 

Dof. Lo ! on my knees, sir, I bof; fQni;ivcmicss 
for what I have douc, and put my Life into your 

Sir Join. What mean you 1 

Doc. I hove eicrcised my luagi'* art upon your 
lady; I know you have too miLcli honour to take 
away my life, since I might linvc slU concealed 
it, had I pleased. ^ 

Sir John. You hare now brouj^t me to a 
glimpse of misery too great lo bear. Is all my 
hnppincas thou tunied into a vision only ? 

JJoc. Sir, I beg you, fear not ; if any harm 
comes of it, I freely give ynu lean- to hang me. 

Sir John. Inform mc what vou liave done, 

Doc. I hive transformed your lady's face so, 




l.|lutt »)ie Kcffms ifie coblet'v wif«, ami have 
Ldtarraed licr tunc inUi tltc likeness of ni_Y ladv*& ; 

il IbM niche, wht-D tlit; stunii uote, mjr sfitiu 

DvcTi^l thrm lo each Other's bed. 

Sir Jtihn. Ub, vrrvtcti ! tliou hn^t iittdoiiu tac ! 
I am falico from the hei^t uf all my litipes and 
iiiubt blill be curst witli a tempebtuuu» wife ; a 
furv whum 1 ii(-%er kiirw qiiivi uikc I had her. 

x)m*. It' tlut be all, I can conDime the chnrni 
for l-oih thrir lives. 

Sir Jithn, JjL't tlic rrent be what it v^'ill. IMl 
L ham: jrou if 50U do 001 end the cimnu this in- 
' UUnU 

Dt>r. I will tin's nutiute, »r; and, perhaps, 
yoiiM trnd it the luclctf »t of yout life ; 1 can a»- 
sare ytiu. yotir lady will ptxnc the better for it. 

kir fvhit. Hiild; ihcttr's one niatcriiii circuiu- 
staiue i'rt itDOVr. 

Jioc. Ycmr plcaiore, sir 1 

&r Jvhn, fVf^np Uiu coblcr has — ^vou under- 
•buid me ' 

Dt/c. I tlo mstire you, no; for ere she was 
cnii\t:ycd m hi» lied, the cubler wa» ^ot up to 
work, and he h.u» done nought but b«at her ever 
since. And vuu arc hka t» reap the fruits nf his 
labour, livll be \|ithyou in a minute; here he 

Enter Johiov. 

Sir Jehn. So, Jobson, h here's jour wife f 
.Mk ,\ml plca»e Tonr U'orsliip, she's here at 
the door, btit. inJcca, 1 thought I hoti lost her 
^ust no\> ; fur u» she came into thr bnll, khe fell 
]mo Hjcb a swoon, that X tbnue,ht »hc- would ui- 
rcr ctHiip out (m'l iRain; but a tweak or two bv 
Uie iHi»e, Rud holi u 1I0XCI) snaps, did tiit- busi- 
ness at Iii»t Ucre, tvherc arc you, housewife f 

Bater Ladt. 

Bnt [Hoitis up the eandle, but leli it fall 
■Aai ht MYs Arr.]— C> heaven and earth ! U this 
my lady ? 

Jtth. ^\^wl does he say } My wife chnngcd to 
my lady ! 

Cf^k. Ay ; I thought the other was too good 
for tjur l;idy. 

Iflrfv. ['/i> Sia Jotiji.}— Sir, you arc the per- 
son I Kave most oficndea, and here I mnfew 1 
have 1»fren tb« worjt of wvc» in every thii-s, bat 
4h»t 1 iilwTiys kfpt tnrM:tr chaste. If vou can 
voLi-lisalV liner more to take oic to yuur btnom, 
the remainder of my dnyi sball Joyfully be epciit 
ill duty, and ubseivanre of your will, 

Sir John. QjM, madam ; I dv forgive you ; and 
if yuu are Mi^rc in wliat yuu say, you'll inii!.e 
me huppHT than all the rnjnynicnls in the wi^rld, 
witl»Hii you, could do. 

JoIl Vb hat a pot ! Am I to lose my wife tinu f 

Enter hviy end hwricz, 

? strangest accident has )mp> 

pened ! it ha>t amazed in; iity lady wu in ao great 
a swoon, we tJ)ou)j;ht :>hc hut) been dead. 

Lit. Aud fvhcn site came to bencif, she proved 
niiiillicr ivonuui. 

M. Iln, ha, tia : A bull, n bull ! 

iMCtf. She IS so changed, [ knew her not; I 
iK'v^T saw ber face before : U lud ! Is this mv 
lad* ? 

ixt. We shall be mauled afBtn. 

iMcy. I tliooght uur liappiness was too |;nal 
to last. 

Ladif. Fenr not, mv servants. It shall hereaf" 
ter be my endeavour lu niiike yon liappy. 

Sir J'jhn. VcrMvcre in this resoluboo, and we 
shall be bUst indeed, for life, 


xW//. My bend turns round; I must go home. 
O Zekcl ! Arc you there ! 

Job. O liid ! Is chat fine lady my vrife? Eg^d, 
I'm afraid lo cnnte near hrr. What can be the 
iueanii\u uf thu f 

Sir John. Tlii« is a happy chanL'c, and 111 
have u celebrated with all toe joy I proclaimed 
fur my late ^b(>^t-llvcd Titioit. 

lati}/. To me, 'tis the happiest day 1 crei 
knew. ' 

.Sir JuAf'. Here, .Tnbsrm, take thy fine wife. 

Joh. But one word, sir. Did not your worship 
make a buck of mc, under the ros*^ f 

Sir John. No, upon my honour, nor ever kis- 
sed htrr lips till 1 came fnini hnntini; ; bnt sjnrc 
she has bceu n means of brinj;inc about tliUluip- 
py clianpc, I'll give thee five hundred poundi 
nornt: with her ; g<i, buy a stuck uf leailier. 

Ju&. Brave huvs ! 1 m n prince, tiie prince of 
coblers. Come hither and ki»s mc, Nell ; I'll 
never slr:ip lliue iilori-. 

\r//. Indeed, Zckcl, I hiivc been tn sncti a 
dream, lliat I'm quite w<-ary of it.— [Ti? Joasoy.] 
•— Forsooth, niathm, will yoit please to take yoor 
clothes, aud let tuc have mine a^ain i 

[!/bLAPT Lovcauir. 

Job. Hold your tongue, you fool; theyll serra 
you to go to chiirdi. V^ude. 

IahIv. No, thou shalt keep them, nod I U piv 
serve triinc :is n-liqii*^ 

JoL And can your ladysliip fot^ve roy stnip> 
ping your Ifjouursu very much? 

Livlif. freely. Tlie joy of this bleiKi| 
cfaurige sets ull things richl again. 

Sir John, l^t us foqjet every ihiii^ that is 
piut. mid think of nothing uiiw but joy and pk^ 

AIR^— ^^ itiyi, yp gowe f 

Lndy. Let every face wi|h smiles appeo/, 
C« joy in errry biw»^ ; 
Since fmin a htc of pam and car^ 
'" toow are truly bhsL 




Sir Jokn. Bbj no rentembrance of |Mut time 
Oor prewnt pleasares soil ; 
Be oonght but mirth and jor our crime^ 
Aud sporting; all our toil. 

Jok I bope jovHl gire oke leave to speak, 

If I may be so bold ; 
There's nought but the devil, and this good 

Could ever tame a scold. 








Peachdu, a resetter qfttoUn goodM. 

Lock IT, a jailor. 

Macreath, captain (ff the gang. 


Jeuuy Twitcheb, 

Crook-fimoeheo Jack, 

Wat Dreary, , 

Robin op Bagshot, >highaaymen.- 

NiHMiNG Ned, 

Harry Paddingtow, 

Mat of the hint, 

Bew Bodok, 


Mrs Peachuh, mife to Peachuv. 

Polly PeacAuu, daughter topRkCUVMt^Md at-' 

tacked to Macheatr. 
Lucy Lockit, daughter to Lockzt, and mttackU 

to Macheath. 
Diana Trapes, 
Mrs Coaxer, 
Dolly Trull, 
Mrs Vixen, 
Betty Doxet, 
Jenny Diver, 
Suket Tawdry, 
Molly Brazen, 

-voiiKii qfihc <ewih 

Scene — London. 


SCENE I.— pEACBUu's house. 

Peachuu sitting at a tiU)le, with a large book of 
* account I before him. 

AiR<— ^n old woman clothed in gray, 

Throvoh all t^ emplovments of life, 

Each neighbooi^buses his brother, 

Whure and rogue they call husbaod and wife; 

All professions berr^ue one another : 

The priest calls the lawyer a cheat, 

The lawyer beknaves the divine, 

And the statesman, because he's so great, 

Thinks bis trade as honest as mine. 

A Uwyei^s is an honest employment; so is mine v 
like me, too, he acts in a double capacity, both 
against rcwues and for them ; for 'tis but fittiif 
trutt we should protect and encourage cbean^ 
since we live by toem. 

Enter Filcb* 

Filch. Sir, Black Moll hath sent word her trill 
coraes on in Uie afternoon ; and she hopes yoo 
will order matters so as to bring her off. 

Peach. Why, she may plead Inr belly at wont; 
to my knowledge, she hath taken care of that se* 
curity : but, as the wench is very active and in- 
dustrious, yoa may satisfy her, that I'll soften die 




Fileh. Toin Gaeg, sir, ii founil guilu. 

Frach. A Inzv d^ ! when I took liim the time 
brfnrc, 1 told nitn what Kl- would come tii if he 
did not iDctMj hi& hand — Thi» ifl death, Hithout 
reprie**. I may vtniurc to boob him [H'nVr*.]: 
for Tom C*ff, (ortj pounds. Let Betty Sly know, 
chat I'il save her from trftiisportation'; lor 1 can 
get more by her »tny)ng in £»f;laud. 

fitch. Bclty luUtt brought mnrc i^nods into our 
lock this jtMTt than any fire of tlw gatig ; mid, iu 
truth, 'lis pity to low so gpud a customer. 

Pem-M, If none of tlic gang take* her ofT. she 
may, in the oimroan coiidip of buaioets, hvc n 
twclTFinoaih loDgET. I love to let women 'scape. 
A (ood sportsman always lct» the hen-partridges 
By, because the breed of the game depends ii|io» 
tnem. Beudr\ hcrv' the law alluna u^ no re- 
ward. There is ixithini; to be gut by the death 
of woinea— except our wives. 

FikK Without dispute she is a 6ne woman ! 
'twas to ber I was obJii^d for my rducation. Tu 
«ay a bold word, ihc butli truinpd up more 
young fellows to the businctf than llie goming- 

PPmcA. Truly, Filch, thy obscr^ntion is riglit. 
paod the sur^oiis, are more bchuldcn to wo- 
ta thai) all the profcsions bcj»ulc9. 

AUL — The boaay grr^cyd morn, ifc 

FJdL *Tis womau tlint iieducts all mankind ; 
By her we 6rei were taught the whcedlinc arts; 
Her »erv cyej can clit-at : nhen mail stie's kind, 
SIk trirks ua uf uiir muner, with our hturls ! 
For her, like wolre«, by night we roam for prcy^ 
And prBCtise cv'ry fraud to bribe her charms; 
Fvr buity of loie, like l.w, ure won by pay, 
And beauty must be fcc'd into our arm). 

Prari. But make haste to Ncw^tc, boyi and 
let my I'rimds iuow what I inteud : fur X luvc tu 
tDake them easy one way or other. 

Fikk. When a etnilemun is Inttz kept in aus- 
peiue, penitence may break hi* tftirit ever nflcr. 
fic«dc«, certainty ^ves a man a Rood air upon his 
trial, anil mnLrt him rihk aimtlinr withoiii feiir 
or temple^ Hut 111 away ; fur 'tis a nlcu^ure to 
W tba ucs9en|ter of comfurt to friends in nlHic- 
tioK. [K,il. 

Piimek. But it u now high umc to Io<4l aljuut 
Be fof a decent e^ecyiioo against next scsM<irt\ 
I lute a luy rotfuu, by whom one can get nolliing 
tiJi lie i« hanjEccL A register uf the gang. I Head- 
ing.] Ci<w)k-li leered Jack, a yenr and a naif in 
the wrticc : let me ti-e how much tin-- stock owes 
Is fats industry; ooc, two, three, four, tire ^uld 
•atcfaes nod seven silrcr ones. A mif:hty clean- 
handed fellow ! Sixteen ^nutV-l'Oxc!', tivc of ihcm 
sf HIM fold ; six dtf/cn of bund kerchiefs, four si\- 
«cr>luUed awords, lialf a dozen of shifts, three 
te-pcnwi^ mad a piece iifbrmul cloth. Consi- 
iamg than arc oiuy fruits of bis leisure hours, 

I dm/t knuw a prettier fellow ; fur no man alive 
Imth a more cngaeing presence of mind upon the 
ro;iii. Wat Di-eary, alin* Brown Will; an irre- 
gular do« ! who liutli all uiidL-rhaiid way of dis* 
posing of his goods. I'll try him only for a ses- 
sions iir two hmgrr njion hi« pKhl U-havi'Hir. 
biarry I'adduiuton — a poor petty- larceny nscal, 
without the least genius ! thnt fellow, though ho 
were- lo live llicw six months will never ctiine to 
the gallowfl wild any credit! Slippii-y Vani ; he 
goes olf the next MiMions; fur the villani hath tlie 
impudence to have vicwj' of toliowing his trade 
as a tailor, wliidi be calls an honeM emplovinent. 
Mat uf the Mint, liited nut above a mimOi; 
a promisini; sturdy frilow, aud diligent in his 
way! somcwbut ri>a hold arul hnaty, and may 
rai^e gno<t contributions on tlie public, if he does 
not cut himst-'lf short by inunJcr. Turn Tipple; 
a guzilitt^, srfukiiii^sot, who isolwny* toi) drunk to 
KtamI Itiiosolf, or to make others stand ! A cart 
is nbsulutely necessary fur him. lU>lriii of Ba^ 
shot, uLids Gordon, uliaa BluQTBub, alias Car^ 
buncle, alias Bob Booty— 

EnUr Mas pEAcauv. 

ilfrs Pcftch. What of BnK Btvity, husband ? I 
hope nothing; bad bath bctidcd him? You kimw, 
my doar, he's a favourite Lutitoriier of mioe ; 
'twas he maile me a present of ihiit rJiiR. 

Pench. I have set his name down in the black- 
list; thitt's alt, my dear ! he spends his life among 
women, and, a!> soun an his money in ffme, (me 
or otli(;r of till! iHdies will banc tiiin for the re- 
ward ; and there's forty pounds lost to us for 

Mn Peack. Yon know, tay dear, I neier 
meddle in matters of death ; I always leave those 
atr^irs to you. Women, indeed, arc bitter bnd 
judges in these cases: for Ihcy arc su purrial tu 
the brave, that ttioy think every man hnndsoma 
who is going to the camp or the gallunt. 

AIR.— CoW end r<rir, 4'. 

If any wench Venus's girdle wear, 

Thijugti slie be never so ugly, 

Ijlies and roses will i^uirkly appear. 

Ana her face look wondrous saiuggty. 

ik-ucath the left car, so fit but n cord, 

(A rope s<» charming a zone is !} 

The youth, in his cart, bnth Uic air of a lord, 

And wo cry, Tliero dic-s an Adonis ! 

Hut really, hu*iband, you should not he too hard- 
hearted; foe you never had a liucr, braver Bet uf 
ii>crv, than at prevjit. Wc ha^e not had a mur- 
der among them all lliesc seven moiitlis; luid, tru- 
ly, my dcir, that Is a {creBt ble^smt;. 

Peach. What u dickens is Ibe woman always 
a whimpering about muntcr fur * No gentleman 
is ever look«l upoa the worso for killing a man 





in liis onrn defence ; and, if btniiKss cannot be 
carried on without it, what would jou have a 
g^tleman do i 

Jtfrj Peufk. If I am in the viron^ my dear, 
you muM excuse mc ; for nubodr can help the 
frailty of an over «mipuloii» coii^icnce. 

Peach, Muntcr is hk fa*.hionablc a crime as a 
maa can be etliicy of. llmv many Hnr i;riitlcmen 
bare we in Newgate cvcrv year, purely upon that 
article ? If they hnvc whcrcwitna) to pcpiundc 
the jury to brine it in manslaughter, «hnt am 
they the worw for it ? So, inv dear, hare done 
ii|xin this suhjcnt. Was captain Maclieaih here 
Litis monnug for the banknotes he left with you 
last week ? 

Af n Fcach. YeSt my dear ; and, though tlie 
bonk hadi stopt payment, he was m) cheerful, and 
lo agreeable ! Sure there is not a finer gentle- 
inna upon the mad dian the capiain ! If he cornea 
from llflg&hot at any reavinable hour, he hath 
promised to maVc one tliis crening with Folly, 
me, and Boh Booty, at a party at quadrille. Pray, 
my dear, h the captain nch f 

P«cA. The captain keeps too good company 
ever to grow rich. Marybonc and tlie chocnlate- 
boUMs are hii uuHoin};. ' The nun, thai propOMrs 
to get money by play, should hare tiie education 
of a 6nc gentleman, and be trained up tn it from 
his youth. 

Jura Pcark. Really I am sorry, upon Polly's 
accoant, the captain hath not more discretion. 
VV'hat busme^s liiitli he to keep conipniiy with 
lords and gentlemen? Ite sliould leave itiL-m to 
prey upoti uae nttotber. 

Feai'A. Upon Polly's account ! What a plague 
doe« the nomaii mean f Upon I'olly's account ! 

Mrt Patch. Captain Maclicatb is very fond of 
the j^rl. 

Peach. And what then f 

Mrt Fciich. If I hare any skill in the ways of 
w-omen, I am sure Polly tliinks him a very pretty 

Penc/i. And what tlien ? you would not be 60 
mad to have the wench marry him 1 Gamesters 
and highm-armen are generally very cood ti> their 
wlinres, but they arc very devils to their wires. 

Mrt Petuh. Bui if Polly should be in lore, 
how should we help her, or liow can »he help 
htrwrlf' Poor girl ! I'm in llie utmost concern 
about her. 

AIH. — IFAy ii ^four/aithful slave ditdained f 

If love the virgin's heart invade. 
How, like a ninth, the simple maid 
Sail plays id>uut Uie dame ! 
1/ soon she be not made a wife, 
tier honour't singed, and then fear life 
She's ■ ■ what 1 dare not name. 

Peach. Loolt ye, wife, a haodsome wench, in 
our way of busincsa, 15 as profitable a« at tlie bar 
uf a Temple codec-huuse, who looks upoa it as 

her livelihood to grant every liber^r but one. 
You see I would iodulge the girl as far as pru- 
dectly we can in any thing but nianiage : after 
that, my dear, him RhatI we be safe? Are we 
unt then in her husband's povrcr.^ for the hus- 
band hath the absolute puwer nver all a wife's 
«erret!i but her own. If the girl had tlic diactw- 
ijon of a court-lady, who can have a dozen of 
young fellows at her car, without complyii^ with 
one, I should not matter it : hut Folly is tinder, 
and u sinirk will at once set her in a flame. Mar- 
ried ! it the wench docs not know her own pn>- 
lit, sure -<the knnwii her own uh-iuure better than 
to make hersctf u property ! My daughter, to m^^J 
sliould be like a court-lacly to a mmistcr of M^^H 
— a key to iIh: whole gane. Married ! if tbtt^^^ 
fair is nut already done, I'll terrify ber froCD i^ 
by the example of our neighbours. 

Hfrt Pracb. Mayliap, my d(uir, you may tii- 
j ure the girl : she loves to imitate the 6ne ladies, 
and she may only nllow the captain liberties in 
the view af mtcrest. 

Peach. But 'tis your duty, mr dear, to warn 
the girl against her ruin, and to nistrurt licr how 
to muke the most of her beauty. I'll go tu bfr 
this muniKitt, and sift her. In the mean time, 
wife, rip out the coronets and marks of ttiesc 
dozen of cambric handkerchiefs; fur ! can di»> 
pose of them tliis aftcnioon to a chap in the city. 

3f rf Patch. Never was a man more out of the 
way in an argument ttian my husband ! Why 
must our Polly, forsooth, dilTer from her sei, aad 
love only her husband f And why must Poll}*i 
marriage, contrary to all observation, make bee 
the less followed by other men i All men 
thieves in Jove, and like a woman tlie bctt' 
being anotlier'ti property. 

AIR. — Ctfaii the tiuiple th'tngi we dOf ijc 

A maid is like the golden ore. 
Which hath guineas intrinsical inV, 
Whose wonh is nwcr knnwn bcfora 
It is tried and impressed in the miuC 
A life's hke a guinea in gold, 
Stampt with the name «f her spouse: 
Now here, now there. Is bouji^ or is *oUp1 
And b current in ercry house. 

Enter FiLC«. 

Come hither, Filch ! I am as fond of this child 
as though my mind misgave nte he were mv uwn. 
He hatli as hne a hand at picking a pocket as a 
woman, and is as nimble- fingercu aa ■ j*>Bi^- 
If an unlucky sciiSKin does not cut the rt>pe of 
thy hfe, I pronounce, boy, thou wilt be a rreat 
man in history. Where wasyonr post last night, 
my boy i 

Fitch. I ply'd at t)ie opera, madam ; and, cu^ 
sidcriiig 'twas neither dare nor raiiiyi m that tbfln 




^ „ no smt luirn in gftUlng chain Kod cuoctiu, 
RDadc ft ulenblp naod on't. These seven hand- 
kerchiefs iHula*n. 

Afrt Pftk. Coloured ooe*, I acp. Ttwy are 
sruiTE Bile, from our wnreltouK udUdnfi^ among 
(be MameD. 

Filch. And lliU snaff-box. 

Mlrt Peach, Set iii gold ! a pretty encourage- 

Brt Uiis to a young beginner ! 

Ft/ck, 1 hod ■ fair Itig nt a channing ^fild 
watch. Pox take the tajloni fur makint; the dth^ 
•d deep and muTDvc ! It ivtuck by lite way, uiiil I 
ma forced to make my esLapc under a coach. 
Jtcally, madam, I Tear I shall be cm oft in the 
Mo¥reT of my youth ; to that, every now and then, 
I «as pniDpt, I ha\-e thoughts ot' taking up, 

id foifw to Ma. 

Jm PegrA. You ^lould go to Ilnr-JiIe^-in-the- 
ialSfaful 10 Morybnne, child, to Icarii valuur! 
are the schools that have brfd !H> niiuiy 
men. 1 thought, bov, by this time, thou 
loal (eat, as well as shamr. Poor lad ! how 
ittle does be know as yet nf the Old Bailey ! 
for the fine fact Fll cnyurc thee frotti being 
IMifed; and g<ung co sea, Tilch, tvill conic time 
;h npoo a lentencc of transportation. But 
, aiaoe you hove notliing better to do, eren 
to your book^ and learn your catechism; for 
K»Uy ft mas makes but an ill figun: tn ti>e Ordina- 
|]r*a paper, who cannot give a «atisf;ictory answer 
to ha questions. But bark you. my tad I don't tetl 
ne ft Ik* for you know I hate a linr ; Do you 
knotr of any thing tluit hath po8t between cap- 
bun Mac^teath and our Polly ? 

ItUk. I \>cc. you, madam, Aon't ask me ; for 1 
BHC either lell n lie in you or tn Mi»s Polly, fur 
I paxniwd her I would nut tell. 

Jfn Peach. But when the honour of our fa- 
mily » conccrocd 

FU<h. \ *Avk\\ If-ad u »at) life witl) MiuPully, 
if ever »hc come to kuow tliat I toM yuu. De- 
ader, I would n<jt willingly forfeit my own ho- 
Boor. by bctrayinc aoy Iwdy. 

T^rt Ptvth. Ymuicr comes niy husband und 
^Dy. Come, Fitch, yuu shall go uith me inio 
aiy own niom, and IpU me the wlmle stnry. I'll 

r'*e lJM>e a glau of a mint delicious cordial, tliat 
keep (<^ my own dnnkiog. ytJeunt 

Enter "PiAcnvH satf Poli.t. 

PoUy. I know as well as any «if the fine tn- 
im bow to makt the moot of my<<cU', and of my 
Man lao. A wonan knows how to be mercen- 
ary, ihoiirh «he bath never teen ut court, or ut 
laaacnntlv: we have it in ournntures, papa. If 
I «ltnw raptniM MarhtAch wmc inHin:; librrtirts 
1 have lhi« watch unci ullier vttililc murks of liiii 
farovr to shew fur it. A ^rl, who cannot grant 
uinu> thmg% and refute what i» mo3t inateriu), 
vill make but a pour band of her benuly, oud 
wni be tliniwn upou the common. 

Allt — What ihati I do toiAem h<fw much I lave 

Virgins are like tlie fiur flower in its lustre, 
Which in tlio garden enamels tlie ground, 
Nenr it tlie bees in pbv flutter and cluster, 
And gaudy battertlics frolic around; 
But wlieii ouc« plurJted, 'tis no longer alluring, 
To Co\-ent-gnrdeu 'tis sent (as yet sweet), 
There fades, and shrinks, and grows past all en- 
[lots, sttnka, and dies, and U trod under feet. 

Peach. You know, Polly, [ am notagainst your 
toying and tritling with a customer in tlic way of 
business, or to get out a secret or w; but if 1 
find out tliat you have played tin: fool, and are 
nutrried, you jade you, 111 cui your throat, liussy ! 
Now, you know my mind. 

£n/er Mas Peacbum. 

AIR. — London u a fine town, 

Mas PcAcavM [in a very great pumW] 

Our Polly is a sad slut ! nor heeds what we liavc 
tunght her, 

I wonder any man alive will erer rear a daugh- 
ter I 

For slie must have both hoods and gowns, and 
hoops to swell Iter pride. 

With sL'arfii and ^taya, and gloves and lace, and 
Uie'll have uitn IwMde; 

And when she's drcst with care and cost, nll- 
tfMnpting, tine and gny, 

As men should verve a eucumbrr, she flii^ her- 
self away. 

You bngcage I you hnasy I you inmmideratc 
jade ! had you been luinircd it would nut have 
veicd mt, for that might liuvc been your misfor- 
mne; but tn An such a mad thing by choice I 
The wench is married, husband J 

Pcath. Married ! the captain is a bold man. 
and will risk any tiling for money : tu be sure, he 
lielievcs her a fi>rtnne. T>^\ yu think your nir> 
(her and I should have lived airaiorlnbly so h>r>C 
loperlier, if ever we had been married, biiggnpe ? 

Mts Pfach. I knew f\». was ainnvfc a pnmd 
shit, and nnw the wench hath ptuyed the f<:>ui and 
nturried, because, fonuMitb, »ho would do like the 
gL'Utry ! Can yuu support the expcnce of a hu»- 
bund, hussy, in gnmtng, drinking, and wboriog? 
have you money enough to carry on the daily 
□uarrelfiuf man und wife, about who almll squnti- 
der mostr There are not many husbands tttid 
wircA who can bear tiic clinrges of plnguing one 
ouutlicr in a handsome way. If you mu»t be 
married, could you introduce' nuUidy into our 
family but a lii^lnviiynmn ? Why. thou foolish 
_iade, thou wilt be at ill used, ninl a<i inucli ne- 
glected, as if tliuu hadat married a lord ! 



Ptath. Jjtt not ytnir »nfiet, my dtar, brcftk 
tltmuKl) the rulci of decency; tor tltc captain 
louk» upon liiiiuelf, in llic military capacity, 8» » 

{;cntlemnn by his pmfrs^on. Beftidc» what he 
inth uliY-ady, I Louw he is ia a fiur way o( get- 
ting, ur of dving ; iind both these ways^ tet me 
tril you, nit: must cxctDcnt clraiiccs for a wife. 
Tell lac, biiMy, are vou ruined or no ? 

Mrs I'each. Willi F'uUy's fortune, &he ml^t 
' very well have eorie otfto a iieraon of distinction : 
' ytSf that you tni^bt, you {loiiung slut ! 

Peafk. What! ii the wench dumb? spenk, or 
I'll tanke you p]<:ad by M^ucczing uut an answer 
from yuu. Arc you really boattd wife to him, 
or arc you only upon likingP [Pmchcf htr. 

foil}/. Oh ! * [Screamiae. 

Afrt Peaeh. How the nuthrr is to be pilica, 
hath handwmr dauf^htere ! Locks, bolts, 
and Ict'turcb of inonUity, iirc nollitni; tu 
'tf>eni; llicy break throug,h thciu all: they liare 
&» much plcnsure in chcatinj; a fatl>cr and mo 
llicr, as in rliciitiui: nl card!). 

Prae/i. Why, i'oll>, I shall «oon know if you 
are Diarried, by MuLl<eatira keeping from our 

AIHj— Grim kingo/lbe gbotitjSff. 

Pol/y. Cnn Iwe be Controulod by advice? 
Will Cupid our motlicrf obcv? 

'Iliiiiii^li nu Ix^iirt %Tns H.4 tn^icn a» ic*^ 
At 1»» flninc 'twould have melted uway. 

When hi: ki't inc, 510 w^crtly he prettf 
H'wa!! 60 sweet that 1 must Imre cumpUed, 

So 1 thought it both Hifnt and licsl 
To marry, lur fru you should chide 

Mrs praih, Tbni fill rlie hopes of our family 
are pone for ever aud ever ! 

Peach, And Mnclieaih timy lniii<; hh father 
and molhi>r-iii-lxw, u) hnpm 10 grt itilo llictr 
daathtcr's fnnuiic. 

Pol/y. 1 did not marry him (a« 'tis llie fasliinn) 
coolly and dclibcrutily far liouuur or money — 
but I love him. 

Mr$ Pftirfi. Love hitn ! wor%c and worse ! I 
Chouulit ihr Ctrl had been Itrltcr brod. Oh huv 
heml ! hii^txuid ! Iir-r folly makes mc luad ! uiy 
head stum^! I'm dintructed! I can't uippnit 
uiywlf— Obi [Faintt. 

Prarh. S-e, wench, to what a Cf>ndiliou yon 
have rcductd your poor iiioIIut! A rIo*"* of cor- 
dinl thiK inuant ! ut>w iIh- |KMir woman take* it 
lo heart! [PoJtj/ /jofi out, ttnii relurni ri/A iV.] 
j\h, h'juy! now this u iho ouly comfort your 
uiutlier hu» Icll. 

Pullif. Give iKTattolher^lass, sir; my mamma 
dntiki double the r|uaiitilv whmevcr slic id out 
of order. 1 his, you ■»oe, fetches her. 

Mti Ptack. '\'\w trirl slicws *uih a readinefiy, 
and »i> uiucb cofKcni, that 1 tould almuu find in 
jiiy lirarl lu fur]*iie Iter. 

AIR.— O Jmmi, OJtnwff 

r thou Aeen t 

O Polly ! ynu mif^it liave toyed aoi) kilt; 
By keepiiii; men off you keep tneni oo : 

Poily. But be so teased me, 
.^nd he so pleased mc. 
What 1 did you idum Imvo douc. 

Mrt Pfach. Not witJi a highwaymau — you 
sorry slut ! 

Peaci. A word with you, wife. Tis no new 
thiiif* for a wench to take a luan without consent 
of parcuts. You kaow 'tis the frailty of woman, 
my dear. 

Mr$ Peach. Yes, indeed, the tox is frwl ; but 
the lirst ume a woman is frail, she should be 
somewhat nice mcihlnks for then or never is the 
time to miikc her fortune: after that, she bath 
nutliiiik: to do but to ^luird bcrsetf from bcilf 
found out, and she may do what she pleases. 

Peach. Make yourself a little easy ; i have a 
(li<tU):lit slitdl soon set all multera ayain tn rights. 
Why M melancholy, Polly? suicc what ia atmo 
cannot Ik undone, we mutcnll ondearour to ouko 
the I>cU iif iL 

Mn Peach. Wdl, Potly, as far as one woauui 
can forgive anotltnr, I forgive thee. Your fathtrx 
a Ion foud of you, huuy. 

Poffy. Then all my sonowf. «rc at an end. 

A/m PracA. A mighty Ukely speech, in itotlg 
fur a weni'b who is justmarned 1 

Ain — T%omatt J cannot, ^e. 

Pollif. I, like a ship, in stonns was toct, 
Yet ufmid to put into land. 
For seized in the port the ressers lost^ 
Whose, treasure is cnntyabaud. 
'l*hc waves ori: laid, 
My duty's paid ; 
< ) jof beyond enpresuon I 
Thus safe asltore, 
T ask r)'> more; 
My all's in mj poBsewon. 

Prach. I bear customers in t'other roomt gn 
talk with them, Polly, but came acain as soon as 
llicy are pmc. But liark yt-, child T if 'tis the gef>> 
ilciiiannSowashere ycstcrdav about tlie repi-atiDg 
«Bt*-h, *ny. yuu believe wc can't get intellicenoe 
id" it lill [ >-iuornii*, for I lent it tu Sukcy Strad- 
dle to make a 6^re with it to-oi>;lit at u tarem 
ill Drurv-lane. If t'otlicr gcntliintin colls fur tJM 
siUcr-hilted sword, you know U.-Fllohnjwed Jam* 
my hath it on, atid he duih nut ctmic from TutH 
brid<:c till Tuesday iiii;hl ; sn thuc it mniMl be 
hnd lill then. [Kri/ PoLtr.] Dear wife ! be a 
lililc pacified; d<iirt let yoor passion ntu awa^ 
nilb viHir srttscs : Polly, I gnuit ynu, bath done 
a rH".!! thing- 

Mn Peach. If she hod ontv an intrisur witfi 
ilie fiUow, hIiv die very btst ^smilin have <i- 



ruwd uid hoiMlpd op & ffajltj of that sort. Tis 
mnrrii^e, hmlnod, tnai maliM it a blcini>h. 

^emck, Bat maaey, wife* is ibe iru« fuller*!) 
cani> for ropttlatiam ; Ihem ii not a »poL or a 
Bdua buc wbM U au take oul A riWi P)^ue, 
now-Q-^an, 't% tit cuinpanr fur aiijr gcntleiaiui ; 
ond llie wrjfld, uijr tl^ar, liatli u<it sucU a aut- 
leoyi Tur rugucry as yuu iiuai^iitc. 1 ttll you, 
wiliV 1 caa nake this'iiuoch turn to our advan- 

Mn Ptaek. I am very sensible, huri»nil, that 
cmpuin Macheaih is worth iiiouey ; but 1 am in 
doubt whether be hath not tiru or tlu^ie wives 
alrrmdy, aad then, if he sthuuld die in a sctimdii 
ur two, IVIIy's dower would conic into di:>putc. 

i'/ocA, 'I'bat, indeedj u a pouit which ought to 
be considered. 

AQL— ^ Htldkr and a uitor. 

A fox may stoat >-our hens, sir ; 
A nhore yuiir health and pcm'e, wr; 
Vuur dHit^hter mb yuur che<tl> sir; 
Your w lie uiay &teiJ your rest, six ; 
A thief yiHir coods and plate. 
But tlus la all but picking 
With re»t, peace, eoe^l, and cliickcn : 
Ii erer was decreed, sir, 
If lawyer's hniid h fee'tl, sir. 
He stods your whole L-Mute. 

The lawyert are bitter enemies to thnse in nur 
»ati: tbey dun't care Uuit any budy iliuuU) |£et ii 
dmilntiiie Utclihoud but Uicuuelves. 

Enter PoLLT. 

Potl^. I^was emir Nimniinfi; Ned; he hrouitht 
■n a rtumiisk wuxhiw-t-urtaui, a hiK>|>-pcttici>»t, a 
pnr ul wivor cniidlevticks^ a iiermt):, and niie 
tili stuckiu)^ fntiu the ttrc that happ4.'iH:d lu>l 

rev^JL There is nut n fellow that is cleverer 
n hu w.iy, and sateit imirfc ttP'tli out of the Hre, 
llnu Ned. Uut u<fw. VM*, tuyuur utTiur; fur 
IW1«T* fuUHt aiii U- UH lliey are. You arc uirr- 
oed, tbft-a. it tceiiu f 

PaUy- Ye*, ur. 

Ptmth. And how do yuu propusa to lire, 

PoUy. Like other womeo, sir; upon die indu»- 
0^ iif liiv liDfttmitcl. 

M ■ VVItat I Is tJie wench turned f<ml ? 

> I' . ■■■'» xvife, hke a M>lilier'a, liuUi a» til- 

tW ti iti> |jay UA his couipiinv. 

P*m<h, .\nd had nut you tho coRimon vicivs of 
t guittrwoiiuiii in your nmrniiKe, I'olly P 
t^lfy, I dua't kuifw whut you niean, air. 
J'rvA- Of a jnintiirr, uiid uf bciiiii a widow. 
f'-'lf. ilut I lo%L- Itiin, Mr: h<J>«', tlivii, could I 

Wi« lfioiiiiht> ul' pHrtini; wiih ttuui 
ftsrt. P<artiog niih hiui ! why that is the 

Vol in. 

whole sehcrao nnd intention of ftll marriaj^ nrti- 
cle». The cotnforuiUc estate ut i»tduiAh«(Ml is i 
ihe only l»"pc that lecps up n wifc't* spint^ 
Where i» the womaii, who wuulil scniple to be a 
wife, if slic hall it in her puwcr Ui Iv a wiiluiv 
whenever slie pleased? If you hnve aoy views of 
this 9iut, Piillv, I shall think the nmtch ni>t so 
very UMrea-uimble. 

Poflif. How 1 dread to hear your advice ! yet 
£ must be|; yuu lo explnin vourM-lf. 

PttKJt. Secure what he Imth ^nt; hove him 
pcttched the next sessioib; and, iheiv ut onoc, 
you ore uiiidc a rich widow. 

Puil^. Wtml! niurilrr die muii I love! the 
blotfd runs cold nt my heart with the very 
thought uf it ! 

Pfarh. V\\ IVilly ! wlial Irnth inonJcr to do in 
the ulTiiir ? SiiK^t the ibiiij; »*mji»ci' or later must 
liitjipcii, I dare My the cnpiain hiin»elf tvould like 
iliHtwe should fcet tlie reward for hisdcHth iwion-' 
er than u uniuger. Why. ^My, the cuptain 
knrtws ttiHt iis 'ti^ his eiDpluytnent to rub, i*o it is 
aun to take rohben ; every ntnn iu his businMS : 
iu tliai llirrc U ito inulioc in ihe due. 

Mi$ Ptaik. Av, huslmnd, now you have nick- 
i'l :1.(.- maiuir ! \\i have him penched i* (lie on- 
ly thing cuuld etftr make tuc l'ori;ive her. 

AIR.— A'om, ponder aw//, ye parenti dear, 

Polly. Oh, ponilcT welt ) be not severe ; 
To save a wretched Mife ; 
for, im the rope, thiU hnnp my dear. 
Depends puur Polty'aiile. 

Mrt Ptath. But wur duty (o your pnrciit^ 
hiissy, uhliises you to huu)( hua. What would 
luany a wife itivc for such an ripp.irluiiitv ! 

Pollv. What is a jointure? what is widow- 
hood to me P I blow my heart; 1 cauoot suniva 

AIR. — Le prinlempt rapelte nui armcs. 

The turtle thus, with plaintive cryinf^ 

Her lover dying. 

The turtle ihii% with plaintive crytti;, 

Ijunenis her dove; 

Down she drop*. <)oite spent with sighing* 

Pmrvd in deullt, a» pftired m tove. 

Thus, sir, it will happen to your poor Polljr. 

Mr» Prark. Wliat! is ibo foiii in love in ear* 
riwi, then f I hate llkjc for bc«Dc particnhir. — 
VN'hv, wi-nt h, thou art a shnmc to thy very scs. 

JV/y. But hear nie, inyihcr— if jou cfcr lo- 

jUri PrrwA. Tlw>iw curseil pisy-books the 
rendt h.ivc been her ruin ! One word nwrc, hes- 
sy, and I ^mlt knock your brains out, if you have 

AitfA. Keep oat of the way, Polly, for fear 





of tniscliief, aiitl coiiaider of wbai js proposed to 

Mrs Prach. A»»tiv, tiiiMy ! Haiig^ your hiis- 

Innil, ktid liv dulit'iit. [Folly /Uttning.] 'Vhe 

J thiri^, liu'tbaiid, must and shall Ih- done. For tin' 

ale of iiiU'Hij^cncc, we tniisi take ollitr mra~ 

Fturus, iiud bttvc liiin pcnched Um: ucxt scwiinn 

witliuut bcr coutfcnL If she will tMt know her 

durr, wo know our*. 

rrtuh. Kul really, mv rfrar, it 2rip*Ts onr's 
hciut to take ofT a preni ninn. When I ciiitsidcr 
kiiif persouul bravery, hi» tine scrata;£Ciii, h«.m 
laiiucn we liuvf ulrcutly ^nt hy hint, and lion 
Imucti niMrc viK may tft't, iite(hiitk» I cannot find 
[ hi my heart to linro n himd in lii^ dcuth : I wifth 
[you coiihl hai-r iiiiiiU- Toll) undertake it. 

Vl/fs I'fnfh. Iliit in a nl'nconsLsity— ^-our 
own livrs arc in dun^cr. 

Pfach. TIm'ii. imk'rd, wo must cntiiply with 
tlio customs of the wurUl. and inaku gnititudc 
give way to intcrrsu lltr bhall be takt-ii olV. 
Afw PtQch. I'll undertake to manage Polly. 
Peach. And I'll prepare niatt^rrs for the Old 
Bailey. [Kreant pLAtiiuu and Mrs Feaculm. 
Polltt. Now, I am a wretch, indeed ! Mo' 
think* I sec him alrrudy in the cart, sweeter nnd 
more lovely than tlie nuscfray in lii^lmnU! I lieur 
[he crowd extolling his resolution aird iutrcpidity ! 
>Vhnt Tollini of M^^liii arc *icnt from the uindnws 
of Ilotl>orn, Uint Ml comely n yoiith shtiuld In- 
broudit to diseruce ! I see him ar. the tree ! the 
wluilei irrlenri'iiilmrs! cvrnhiiirUer* weep! .Ituk 
Ketch himself tuMtnt(>s 10 pcrfrirm hi^diity. uml 
would be glnd to'lo^e his iVie, by a rc|irieve ! 
■What, then, will liecomr- of Polly ? As vet I mnv 
infonn him of llieir de^iicn, nnil aid him \n his 
escape. It shall be *a. Ilul thin he flie«>; rib- 
KOts liiin»elf, and I bar myself from hiii dear, 
' 'dear cnntci-uition ! that, to<s will distract me. — 
If be keeps nul of the way, my papn and mam- 
ma may in tiiiid relent, ami we may be liappy. — 
If he Htay«, be \s hnnccd, and then he is lost for 
CTcr ! He intended to hv cwncealcd in ray room 
till the dusk of the evening. If thry are aluiiad, 
I'll this inslnot let him out, le^t Mime accident 
should prevent liiiu. 

[Exit, and rtturn* aifh ^f AfiirvTH. 

AIR. — Preliy parrot wj, ^r- 

Jlfor. PccHy Polly, wy 

When I wft* a«ay. 

Did yonr hnry nex-cr stray 

To snnic ncw«;r lover ? 
Potty. Witlitiiit di*'.nii<tc, 

IlenviriL* Highs 

Dotinp eye*, 

My ri)ii«tBnt htnrt disrmer. 

Fondly let me loll. 
Jlffif. O, pretty, pretty Poll I 

Ptittif. And ore you a» fond of me as erer, my 
dcnr f 

Mac. Suspect my itonuur. my oHimec; wa- 
ited any tiling, but my lotc .May iny pi^toU 
miss Hre, mav my mare slip bcr shoulder while I 
;iin pui-sued, if I ever foreuke ihce ! 

PuUtf. Nay, m* dear! I hate no reason lo 
doubt you ; fur I find in the roniauce yon lent me, 
none of the great heroes were ercr fal^e ia 

Ain. — Pruy,/«j> ont-, he kind. 

ifar. My heftrt wns so free. 
It rmed like the bee* 
Till Folly my passion requited; 
[ >.ipt rarh llonrr, . 
I changed every hour. 
But liere ifvery flower is united. 

PoUtf. Were vou sentenced to tran^portntiMn, 
«ure, my dear, wu could not leave me Wluod 
yon — c'ould you f 

Mnc. Is there any power, urn force, that 
CTHild tear mc from thte ? Yon might M»on«r tear 
a pension out of llie bands of n courtier^ a fee 
fruni u lawyer, a pretty woman from a looking 
glass, or any wimmn fiom quadrille — Dot to tear 
mc fnjm iliee, i!> imposMble ! 

Ain. — Oxtr lite hills tmdfar aavy. 

^hc. Wf fp I laid on Oeenland's coast. 
And in inv arnni ambraced my fau^ 
Wunn amidst oteraol frost, 
Ti»u noon llie bnl f year's night would pass. 
Poify. Were I sold on tndiou .suil. 

Soon as the burnittiE day was closed^ 
I could mock the •nltry tnil, 
When on my clinrmcr'* brenst reposed. 
lilac. And I would love you all the day, 
Pvl/y. Evcrr night would kiss and play» 
jlfoc. If with mc you'd fondly slmy 
PoUjf. Over tlie hills and far nwuy ! 

Path}. Yea, I would (;o with ibee. Bnt, ohf 
lio» shall I M|>r!tk it? 1 mujit be torn from thee! 
We nni«t part ! 

Mnr. Mow ! port! 

PoUif. We must, we must. My pnpa anJ 
nmnuna arc set ncninst thy life ; they nnn, (>i-M 
now, are in search after thee : they nre prepa- 
ring c«-idcnee against thee : thy life depcods tip- 
un a uiumcot. 

AIU,— C?in thou werl my aitt thing. 

Potttf. O what pain it is to pan ! 

Can I len\-e thre.nm I Icnre thee? 
<) nhat pain il I4 tn jinrt ! 
Can thy Polly ever leave tbw? 




But lest dentil my love should thwart, 
And brin<.< tliec [i> die fnial cart, 
Thai 1 irar tbce tVom my h\cciiin% henrt ! 
FIjr beooc ood let tuc leave tliee ! 

Od« kiss, and then one kiss- — -Begone— — - 
i'BreweU < 

JXar. Mv hand, my lienri, luj dcnr, are so ri- 
vried to thine, that I cnnmtt ltx«c mv huld. 

Polif/. But my pxpa may iutercA|ic tJ>cr, nnd 
ihf-n 1 sltqiild lo4C thf vcr)- gliminentt]; of fHi|>c. 
A few wetiks, perluips, mny reconcile us all. — 
blmtJ thy I'uljy lienr from lliee ? 

Mac. Muat ], then, eo } 

Poiiv, And will notatnenoe chnitRc your love.' 

itac. If you doubt it, let mc atuy and 

W liaiigcd. 

Fvl/y. U, how I fear ! how I tremble ! Go — ' 

but when safety will pvc you leave, you will he 
sure to »vc me a^iun'. fur, ijU Uien, Polly i> 

Allt— Me broom, ^e. 

[Porting, and looking back at rarh other vitk 
Jondnrsij he at ont dooTj ihe at the other. 

Alac. Thti mucr thus a shilling scf>s, 
Whlcii lie's oliliceti lu piiy. 
With wi^hs re<iit:n5 it by ficf;rec!^ 
Anil t'enrs 'tis gone lor aye. 
Polly. The bov iliu.«, wht-n liisapiirmw\ flofrn. 
The Viird in siieiite eyes. 
But Mimi ni iiiit ofsi^bt 'tis i:one. 
Whines, whinipcra, &obs nml cries. 




SCENE t. — A tavern near Keiegate, 

Jemwv Tw(rcBc«, CROoii-FiM;rR'i>.T«cK, Wat 
ORk««T. ]<i)Bi» or Uacsiioi, Niuuiko Xku, 
U4aRT p40Dliir.TOV, .M*Tor tuc Mint, Ur\ 
BviM^Cf and the rest of the gan^^, at the table, 
with «T«Cj brwuly, and tobacco. 

Brn- BtT, prithee. Mat, what i* bcromc of 
thy brother 'l'i>m r I ti;irc not wen him sitiuc my 
TWurn I'ruiii tni(i')p<>rtMtiuu. 

Mat. PiH>r hni[|»rr Tom bad an areidont tlii> 
dme iwelvemoiuh, and so elevcr made u tHliii\ 
he maa, that 1 could ant save him frr>Di [htt«c 
ttiying; niac»ii> the Mire:con«, and now, piHir man, 
he is Eiiint^ the utiunys' at Sur^eoiu-lull. 
BtM. S-j, It m:«iih hu) time wnt c>w\v. 
Jrm. But the prriciit tiuic i& ouri*, and nuh'jdy 
tlitc h«th more. VVtiy are llw la^« Ictvlltd nt 
mi \re we uu>rv dithuitesi tliau thr rr^tnf iiinii- 
liod? What «e win, St^nllcincn, i» our own, by 
the law at arms, und the lit-ht ul' conquest. 

Crook. Where ^liiill we tind such diiolhcr Act 
»f jv^.;.r,.t plidowplipr^ whtf, to a tuna, ure 
kU \t( dcallt f 

I! ~ il meii und true! 
tla^ Ol tnctl OHiragO, mid imlcfati^blc in- 

HaL Who i» there, here, that would not die for 

Hot. Who IK there^ here, iliat would betray bim 
•lor iin tiitcrc»t t 

Ifuf. Mirw me a pog of oourticr« thiit can 
nyts murti. 

btm. We are for a juit partition of the norld : 
(*f tvcfj oian bath a riuht to enjoy life. 

Ud(. We retrench the ^upertintties of man- 
"*1 The world 19 avaricious and 1 hiUc iivn- 
i'»- A covctoui fellow, like a jackdnw, ^!- 
lint he was oerer made 10 enjoy, for tiic sake 

uf ImJius; ir. These arc tlie robliers of mnnltml ; 
for money wn% oiadc for the free-heurted und 
IceiKTOUs : and vtlnic i» the injury uf tnking 
fruiu another what tie hatli nut tlie lieart to make 
u&e of/ 

Jem. Our several suttons for the day are fixed. 
Good luck attend us all ! I**ill the gbsaes. 

AIU, — Fill retry gluts, tfC. 

Mat. Fill every jilass, for wioe inspires ue^ 
Ami ftres ii.% 

With courage, Im-e, and joy. 
Wntneu and wUie ^nuld liir employ; 
I9 there nu^ht else on earth deairuus? 
('Auruf. Fill erery glass, &c. 

Enter MAciitATU. 

Afae. Gcoilcmeu, well met : my heart hath 
lieen with ynn ilu<t hour, but an unespecti.*d af- 
\aAr bath dftauicd me. No cerctuouy, 1 beg 

Atat, We were just breaking up to po upon 
duty. \m 1 to liave tlie honour of uktnjc the 
uir witb you, ur, Uits evcuiit); upon the hcadi? I 
driiik 11 flnnu now and then with ilte -staee roach' 
men, in the way of tVieudahip and intelliircncc; 
and I kiiijw, that about thiit time, there nill be; 
|tTLvseiit;era upon the western ruad wb«i arc worth 
:<pcakin)j Milh, 

Afar. I was to have been of that party—— 

Jlfii^ Hut wliai, air? 

Hoc. U there auy roan who inspects my cou- 

Mat. We hare all been witncMeftof iL 

Mac. Mv h<mour and truth to tlie gang^ 

M*it. I'll le answerable for it. 

Sloe. In titc dirisi.m uf uur booty. Imvi> I ever 
shewn the lenat marks of ariuicc or inju&tice } 




Mat. By diese qoestions lomething seems to 
have ruffled jrou. Are any of us suspected f 

Mac, X have a iixed coa6deocc, gentlcfnen, in 
you all as men of honnur, and, as such, I vaJue 
and respect you ; Peacbum u a man that is use- 
ful to us. 

Mat. fs ho about to shew us any foal play ? 
YU shoot him through the head. 

Mac. I beg you, gentlemen, act with conduct 
and discrebon. A pistol is your Inst resort. 

Mat. He knows uothti^; of this neetini;. 

Mac. Buflness cannot go on without him : be 
is a man who Lnows the world, and is a necessary 
•gent to us. We have had a dieht difference, 
and, till it is accommodated, I shwl be obliged to 
keep out of his way. Any private dispute of 
mine shall be of no ill consequence to my friends. 
You must continue to act under his direction ; for, 
the moment we break loose from him, our gang 
is ruined. 

Mat. As a bawd to a whore, I grant you, he 
is, to us, of great convenience. 

Mae. Make him believe I have quitted the 
gang, which I can never do but wioi lifv. At 
our private quarters, I will continue to meet you. 
A ^etk or 9o, will probably reconcile us. 

Mat. Your instructions shall be observed. — 
H'is now h^ time for us to repair to our several 
duties; so, till the evening, at our quarters in 
Moorfields, wc bid you farewell. 

Mac. 1 shall wish myself with you. Success 
littieod you ! 

[Sits down meianckofy at the table. 

ASR.— March tit Rikaldo, nith drums and 

Mat. Let us take the road. 

Hark ! I hear the sound of coaches, 

The hour of attack approaches. 

To your arras, brave boys, nnd load ! 

See the hall I hold ! 

Let the chemists toil like asses, 

Our fire their fire surpasses, 

And tarns all our lead to gold. 

[The gang^ ranged in the ^front of the stage, 
load their pistol*, and stick them under their 
girdles ; then go off", singing the Jirst part in 
Mac. What a fool is a fond wench ! Polly is 
most confoundedly bit. I love the sex ; and a 
man, who loves money, ifiight as well be content- 
ed with one guinea, as I with one womnn. The 
town, pcrh^s, hath been as much obliged to nic 
for recruiting it with frefvheaned ladies, as to 
any recruitinn; officer in the ari:iy. 1 f it were not 
for U9 and the other gentlemen of the sword, 
Drury-ltne would be uninhabited. 

AISl— Would you hate a young virgin, S^e, 

If the heart of a man is depressed with cares, 

The mist is dispelled, when a woman appears ; 

like the notes of a fiddle she sweetly, sweetly 

Raises the spirits, and charms our emn. 

Roses and lilies her cheeks disclose. 

But her ripe lips are more sweet than tlKwe ;- 

Press her, 

Carebs her ; 

With blisses 

Her kisses 

Dissolve us in pleasure and sofl repose. 

I must have women ! There is nothing unbends 
the mind tike them : money is not so stroif a 
cordial for the time — Drawer [ 

Enter Drawer. 

Is the porter gone for all the ladies, according to 
my directions ? 

Draw. I expect htm bade every minute ; bat 
you know, sir, you sent him as far as Hocklev-in;- 
the-Hole for three of the ladies, for one in Viife- 
gai^yard, and for the rest of them somewhere 
about LewknerVlane. Sure, some of them are 
below, for I hear die bar-bell. As they come, I 
will shew tliem up. Coming, coming ! 

[Exit Drawer. 

Enter Mrs Coaxcr, Dollt Trull, Mrs 
Vixen, Betty Doxt, Jeicnt Diver, Mrs 



ilfflf . Dear Mrs Coaxer ! you are welcome ; 
you look charmingly to-day : I hope you don't 
want the repairs (if quality, and lay on painti — 
Dolly Trull ! kiss mc, you slut ! are you as amor* 
ous as ever, hussy ? you are always so taken op 
with stealing hearts, that you don't allow your- 
self time to steal any thing else : ah, Dolly ! tboo 
wilt ever be a c(»que'tte. — Mrs Viien ! I'm your's; 
1 always loved a woman of wit and spirit ; they 
make charming mistresses, but plaguy wires.— 
Betty Doxy ! come hither, hussy ! do you drink 
as hard as ever ? you had better stick to good 
wholesome bcpr; for,in troth, Betty, strongwaten 
will in time ruin your constitution : you sbonM 
leave those to your betters. — What, and my pKtty 
Jenny Diver, too ! as prim and demure as ever! 
(here is not any prude, though ever so high brad, 
hath a. more sanctified look, with a mare mi»* 
diievouB heart; nh, thou art a dear, artful b^ 

pocrite ! Mrs Slammckin ! as careleas bm 

genteel as ever : all you fine ladies, wbo knov 
your own beauty, affect an undrws, — But see ! 
here's Suky I'awdry come to coptradipt wfaRt I 





I Am 

wu ayiiif ; cvrry thing hhc gets one vny, tht 
lays oat upon hex back : vthj, SuLry, you mun 
keep at hut ft doxut lulljrrai-n. — ^Mully Bmicii ! 
tSke Uua Ami.] that's well duae! I lute n frce- 
nearted (tench -. thou hast a most agrc«able a»- 

funu)Cc« girl, and art a» willing as a lunlc. 

But hark! I bear moftic: the harper u at th« 
door. If music be cbe food of luvc, y\ay on. 
£re yon teat yuuraelvei, ladtM, wlial think yov 
danceF Cotne int 


Plar die French tune that Mn Slammckin wr» 
■o lODil uf. [A (Jait(€ <■ /<! rvndf, in the Fremk 
manner ; ntarthctad of' it thi* wnganU c/iorut.j 

AlH-— Cotillon. 

Youth's tlie season made for jojrB| 
Lore m theo oar duty, 
She, akiDc, who thnt cmploTi, 
Well deMTves her bcau^. 
Let's b« gajr 
While wc may. 
Beauty's a flower despised in docnjr. 

Caonus, — Tcuth't tht Katon, &c 

IjrC tu dnnk and sport to day, 

ihin n not tn morrow ; 

Love with fouth tlie» swift awaj, 
I AflC u nought but wrruw. 
J I>aacic and &ing. 

Thne's oo the win^ 

\lf^ oevrr kf>o»> the return of spring. 
Caoaus.— Lcf at drinks &p. 

W AUe. Now, pray, ladic«, take your ptncc!>- 

■ Here, fellow. [Pav» '*« Aorjwr.] Hid Uie drawer 

brioip a» more wine. | Ksil harper.] If any uf llic 

.aiiici chufie gin, I hofw ihey will be w I'reo tu 

call for tL 

/rib Ynu lo^vk a* if yoti meant me. Vrliic i» 
ttrang enough fur nif. Indeed, »ir, I never drink 
Mraog muerv t-'ut when I linvc tlie colic. 

Jtf«r. Ju»t the eu'use of Uic line ladio ! why, 
a bdy of <|unlity is never without Hip. colic I 
hope. Mn Coaler, ymi have had {tood mcccu I'f 
late in your vigils &munK the mercers ? 

Oar. We have m many interIop«>n ; yet, with 
inditscry, oue may utill have » liittc picking. I 
tamed ■ «ilver-8i>wer«d lutesirinft. and a piece 
iV hbdt padaioy, to Mr Pcachura's lock, but last 
I Vis, ThmrB'* Molly Brazen hath the m;lc nf a 

nttieaankc : >lic hvetted a linen- draper'^ eyes -m 
fui apon her, that he was nicked of three pieces 
~ ric before be could look off, 
, Oh) dear madam !■ But sure nothing 
B op to your handlioi; of Uces ; and, theu. 
mbnetudbasMrefittlcludiiiglQDguc! Tocheat 

a man is nothing; but the woman must have fin* 
pnrl^ inilc-cd, who dicaU a wuinnn. 

Vur. UkiXt mudani, liek in li isnmll compaiS^ 
and is of easy o>nreyance. But you arc apt, im^ 
dam, tu think too well uf your frieud^. 

Cwis. If any wonuui hiUh uiurc art than nn- 
otlicr, to be sure it is Jenny Uirer : tiioue)* her 
fellow be never so a^-euble. she can pick Ins 
)M>ckct M coolly Ob if untiiey were her only plea- 
sure. Now, that is a command of the poMions 
uocoroinoQ m a woman. 

Jfn. I never go tu the tavern with a man, but 
ill the view uf buMueK<t. 1 have otiitr houn, and 
other surt of men f'>r my pk-aoure; but, had I 
your address inudnnt 

Afar. Ilnt'c done with your compliments, la- 
dies and drink idiout. Vou arc not so food of 
me, Jenny, a» yim used to he. 

Jen. 1'ib nut cuuvenient, sir, to shew my food* 
nrsa amtiiig ru many nvals. lis ynur own chuice^ 
and not the warmth of my incliitauoa, that wilt 
determine you. 

A\H,—AU in a mitty momtHg. 

Before the barn-door, crowing, 

The C'>ek by hcus atteiided^ 
liis eye* ornund him throwing, 

Stnmis for a while »uspciidcd; 
llicii, one tie siiiplt-s frutii lime crew, 

And cheers tht- happy liea, 
With hi>w do yuu do, and how do you dc^ 

Aud liuw do you ogeiif 

Mac. All Jenny 1 thou art a dear slat ! 
Trtti. Pray^ madatn, were you ever ia keep* 


TrtR'rf. I hope, ninHnm, I have not been w 
loi^ upon tlic town hut I li»vu met with som* 
^uud fortune as well &■• my nci({hbuure. 

XV-k//. Pardon me, madam ; 1 meant no harm 
by the c^uestiun ; 'twas only in the way nf codvct- 

Tiacd. Indeed, madnm, if 1 hud nut been a 
foul, I might have lived very handsomely with my 
U?t frii'iiiJ ; but, upon hismiuiug tive ^uiuchs h« 
turned :ne off. Now, I ucver iU9pccu-d lie bad 
counted Uiem. 

.SV/im. Who do you look upoo^ madam, as your 
best sort of keepers t 

TrulL Thnt, madam, is thereafter as they be. 

fiJam. I, mailnni, was once kept by a Jew, and, 
bntiiit: their religion, to wofueu they arc a goo(| 
sort of people. 

Tau-J. now, for my part, I own I like nn old 
fellow ; for we always make them pay for whitt 
they cannot do. 

I'ir, A spruce 'prentice, let me tell yoo, ladirf, 
is no ill thing; tliey bleed freely: 1 have M.>nt at 
leut two or tliree doicu of them, in luy lime, to 
the piautntious. 

Jen. but to be sure, sir, with so muc^ good 




fortune as you have hod upon tbe rotSB, you must 
be grown immensely rich i' 

Mac. The road, indeed, hath done me justice, 
but the gaming-table liath been my ruin. . 

AIR. — When once I lay with another man's 
Ki/e, ^c. 

Jen, The gamesters and lawyers are Jugglers 

If they meddle, your all is in danger ; 
like gypsies, if once they can 6nger a sous^ 
Your pockets they pick, and they pilfer your 

And give your estate to a stranger. 

A man of courage should never put any thing to 
the risk but his life. These are the tools of a 
man of honour : cards and dice are only fit for 
cowardly cheats, who prey upon their friends. 

[She takei up one pistol, Tawdht taket 
up the other. 

Tawd. This, sir, is fitter for your hand. Be- 
sides your loss of money, 'tis a loss to the ladies. 
Gaming takes you off from women. How fond 
could 1 be of you ! but, before company, 'tis ill 

Mac. Wanton hossies ! 

Jen. 1 must, and will have a kiss, to give my 
wine a zest. 

[TA^ take him about the neck, and make 
tignt to Peachuh and constables, tcho 
rush in upon kirn. 

Peach. I seize you, sir, as my prisoner. 

Mac. Was this well done, Jenny ? — Women 
are decoy-ducks; who can trust them? beasts, 
jades, jilts, harpies, furies, whores ! 

Peach. Your case, Mr Macheath, is not parti- 
cular, llie greatest heroes have been ruined by 
women. But, to do them justice, ) must own 
they are oretty sort of creatures, if «-e could trust 
them, YoQ must now, sir, take vour leave of the 
Udies ; and, if they have a mind to make ynu a 
visit, Uiey will be sure to find yon at home. This 
gentleman, ladies, lodges in Newgate. Constables, 
wait upon the captain to his lodgiogs. 

AIR. — Whenjirtt I laid siege to vty Chlorit. 

.Mac. At the tree I shall sufler with pleasure. 
At the tree I shall suffer with pleasure ; 
Let me go' where I will. 
In all kinds of ill, 
I shall find no such furies as these are. 

Peach. Ladies, T\\ take care the reckoning 
shall be discharged. 

[£xtr Macheath, guarded^ with Peach- 

UM and constables ; the aomen remain.^ 

Vix. Look ye, Mrs Jenny; though Mr Peach- 

nm may have made a private bai^in with you 

and Sukey Tawdry for Defraying the captain, as 


we were all asssistii^ wd ought all to share a- 

Coax. I think Mr Peachnm, after so lone an 
acquaintance, might have trusted me as weU as 
Jenny I>ivcr. 

Slam. I am sure at least three men of his 
hanging, and in a year's time, too, ^if ^ did me 
justice] should he set down to my aconiDt. 

Trull. Mrs Slainmekio, that is not fair, for you 
know one of them was taken in bed with roe. 

Jen. As for a bowl of punch or a treat, I be- 
lieve Mrs Sukey will join with me: as for any 
thing else, ladies, you cannot in conscience ex- 
pect it. 

Slam. Dear madam 

Trull. I would not for the world 

Slam. 'Tis impossible for mc- 

Trull. As I hope to be saved, madam 

Slam. Nay, then, I must stay here all night — 

TruU. Since you command me- ■■ — 

[iUcun/ uitk great ceremony, 

SCENE 11.-^ Newgate. 

Enter LucKiT, Turnkeys, MA.CHEATn, and 

Ijock. Noble captnin! you are welcome; yoa 
have not l)ccn a lodger of mine this year and 
half You know the custom, sir : garnish, cap- 
tain, garnish. Hand me down mose fetters 

Miic. Those, Mr Lockit, seem to be the-beavi* 
est of the whole set. W'ith your leave I should 
like the further pair better. 

Lock. Look ye, captain, we know what is 6t- 
test for our prisoners. When a gentleman asei 
me with civility, I always do tbe best I can to 
please him. Hand them down, I say. We have 
thcin of^alt prices, from one guinea to ten; and 
'tis fitting every gentleman sluMitd please himself 

Mac. I understand you, sir. [Gives Aoxn.] — 
The fees here are so many and so etorbitau^ 
that f^w fortunes cau bear the expeiice of get- 
ting off handsomely, or o^ dying like a gentle- 

Lock. Those I see will 6t the captain better. 
Take down the further pair. Do but examine 
them, sir. Never was, better work; how gOk- 
teelly they are made ! They wilt ut as easy m a 
glove, and the nice<)t man in England m^ht not 
be ashamed to wear them. — [He putt on the 
chains^ — If I liad the best gentleman in the land 
in my custody, I could not equip him more band* 
eomely. And so, sir — I now leave yoa to your 
private meditations. 

[Exeunt Lockit, tumkeyt, and emuUMet 

AIR. — Courtiert, courtiers, think it no harm. 

Mac. Man may escape from rope and nin. 
Nay. some have outliv«l tbe ooctor*' 


Wbo takes a woman must be undone, 

Thnt lMuili«k i» sure to till. 

llie Qy that upa tri-uclc i> ttiat in the 

So be that tmtu woman, wontan, wo- 

n<: tbHt tutes womnn, ruin meets. 

To wfau n woerol plight have 1 brought mywir! 
Here must I (all tiny lung till 1 tim hanced) he 
cooKned to bear the reprouchcs of a wench, who 
I«» her niin at my riiKir. I am in the custody 
ol her fattier ; and, tu be ^un*, if Uv knows of the 
nBUter, 1 shall hate a 6ae time on't betwixt thb 
•od my execution. But I promised the weiirh 
marria^ What signifies a proiiuM.* lt> n woman ? 
Does not mao, in tuarrissc itself, promiite u hun- 
dred thiols thftt he nercr means W perfunn ? L>n 
all wr oin, women will belii^vc us; fur ihfry hiok 
upuu a priHiiisc as an cxL-u!>e for following their 
own iikdinttMns — But here conien Lucy, uiid I 
get fnim her — would I were deal' I 

Enter Lccy. 


Lucy. Yda base roan, yrm ! llow can you lo>uk 
IM to the face after whnt Imdi pa&t between ns? 
!^ here, pcrndious wrclcli !■ How I um forced 
to bcv alumt Uic load of iufiuiiy yoii have laid 
opoQ me ! Ob, Machettih ! Thou hii''t rubticd 
me of my luict — to sec thee lorturcJ, would 
give mc pleasure. 

AIR.^ — A latctif last to a /ritr came. 

TliuA. when a good-huswife ve^ a mC 
In her trap in the raunmig taken, 
With ple-nsurc licr heart goci pit a pnt, 
In reveiiei* fur liir io^a of boom; 

, I'bcn fthr throws him 

'. To the doc or c«t 
Tu be worried, emitted, nnd shaken. 

tc. Have yo« no b^iwels, no tendenM?ss ""y 
Lucy ! to sec a bualmiid in tiicae eircuui> 

/jvrv. A hu'tbntni ! 

Alac. In every rt^pect but tlie fonu; niid 
thai, toy dear, Rmy be »iid over us at nny linic. 
Friotds ^ould not insist upon cercmuiiie**. Fronn 
a OMO of honour, his word is as ||[Ofiil b-s his 

iMCff. '[i9 the pleasure of all vou fine men to 
ansit the wonien you have miiu-ii. 

AllL— 'TWifi vhen the tea was roaring. 

Ilow tfftiel arc i)tc trailnra, 
Who he anil jivrur in je^t ; 
To cheat un^»rdc<l creatures 
Of 1 irlue, fuui:, and n.-»t ! 

Mac. The vcnr first opportunity, my dear, 
[have but patience) you shall hc'iuy wife, in 
wbiitcver manner you please. 

iMcif, Insinoalin^f monster \ And to yon think 
1 know nothing of the atimr of Miss Polly PuttclK 
um '—I could (ear thy eyes out ! 

Miic. Sure, I'lun^r you cannot be such a fuol 
as to he jealous of Polly ? - 

Lucy. Are you not married to her, you brute 
you ? 

Afflc. Married ! Very tjood t The wench gi»TS 
it out only to vex thee, and to ruin me iti Uir 
good opinion. Tis true, I f^o to the hou^c ; "l 
dial with die Kirl; I ki^ her; I wy a itniu^nd 
thiitft^ Ui lu:r (u<i all petitlciitrti do tliiit nimui no- 
thing) to divert myself; and now the Silly jade 
huili M'l it ahoiit ihm. 1 am marrieil I'l her, tu let 
lue know vihtil she would bene Indeed, my 
dear Lury, tJie^e violent pawttons may be of iu 
cuoM'queiice to a woiuun in your condition. 

J'Ucy. Cume, come, captain; lor all your assil- 
nince. you know that Miss Polly hnth put it out 
of your power to do me the justice you promibud 

Afac. A jealous womnd believes every tbin'i; 
her pntt!iion Augi^sts. To convince you of my 
Nnocrity. if we CiUi find the onliiiury, 1 ahall have 
no scrtiples uf makiiii! you my wife ; and I know 
the coiiscuucocc of Imvin^ two at a time. 

Lucy. rhflC you arc only to be haoged^ and to 
gel rid of them botli, 

Mac. I am ready, my door LucT, to gire yoa 
sitinfartinn — if vou think there is any in inar- 
riu^e. What con a man of honour say more f 

Xury. So, tlicD, it seems you are not married 
to Mm Polly? 

Muc You know^ Lucy, tlie Rirl is prndi^iously 
coiieeitcd : no inuti can say n ci^il tiling to her, 
but (tike other tine Indies) her vanity makef> her 
think he's her own forever and ever. 

AIR. — The sun had Ivosed ha weary teamu 

The fir*t lime nt llw lonkins glass 

The mother sets her diiuuhier, 

The imaEK>. Mrikes itiF ^iiiiliiig lasa 

U ith wlf-lovi: ever after: 

I'jtrh time -ihe loiikn, ?ihe, Amdor grown. 

Thinks evi-ry rlurin uruws stmni^cr. 

But alas, rain makl ! all eyes but your 

Can »ee you are not younger. 

When women ctiusider their owq beauties they 
Mi-u all alike oiiniftsriniible in thrir deinaiidb, fur 
ihe> expf-ct their luverft should like titciu u luoc 
Its ibvy like Ibeuuetvcs. 




tuctf. Yonder i% my farher— Perfuq>» this vfny 
^ jrc Djay liRht upon the ordinurr, who thvM try if 

joti Kill be US lEuoi) ma your word fur 1 lone 

lb be made fto liunest woamn. [ExeuHt. 

MnUrPtkCBVH oh^Lockit, with an account- 

Lock. In thia last affaiir, brother Peachunif we 
•re agreed. You have conBPntcd to gu halves in 
Mncheath t 

Peach. We ifhall never fall out nhout nn eic^ 
cutinn. — But as tu that article, pray huw ftbuids 
our la&t year's account ? 

Lock. If you will nin your eye over it, you'll 
fiiui 'ti) fair ntvA rlearly »<Qtcd. 

Peach. ThiM long arrrar of the pnremment, is 

I very hard upon us. Can It be cii»rcicd tliat we 

•hould linng our acquaintance for iwihinc. when 

[ Our btlterv will Imrdiy »av<; theirs, without Ix-iiig 

Ipnid Cut it } Unle» the people in employtncnt. 

pay better^ I promise them, fur the faiurc, I shall 

let littHT rogues live besides iheir own. 

l^ock. Perhnps brother, they nre afraid these 
matter* may be carried too far. Wc are treated 
loo by tlKTn with contempt, a» if our profeMion 
\ irere not repumhlc. 

Prach. In one respect indeed, our eroploynieni 
may be reckoned disboneftt, becauKe, like p;rcat 
•tatenmcn, wc eoooura};u tliOK who betray their 
I friemls. 

Lock. Such Innj^nKe, brother, any where else, 
night turn to your prejudice. Learn to be more 
piardcd, I beg you. 

AlU. — Haai happy are we, 4'*' 

VHicn you censure the mg^ 

B« cautious anrl joifjR, 

Lfift the courtiLTa ti0ciidcd should be; 

Ifyou tn«ntton vice or bribe, 

Tis so pot to all the tribe, 

Each crieft I1iat was levdl'd at me. 

J*each. Here's poor Ned Clincher's name, I 
ace : sure, brother liiH'kit, thrrc whs a little un- 
fair prmcetliuc »" Ncd"& case; for he told mc, in 
the ondeuiued hold, titat. for vidrte received, 
yoti had pniioiwd him a sesMun or two lunger 
without molestation. 

1/jfk. Mr IVachum — this h (he first time my 
boiumr was fier mlird in qiH'iiiton. 

Priu-h. Bu^iiieu is ai an end — if once wc ace 

i.otk. Whn Bccuwf me ? 

Peach. Vi»u Br*" wnnn, brother. 

hoek. tie tltAt attacks mv hunoar. attacks my 
fivetih'Hjd — And this usage — Sir — is nut to l>c 

Prmrk. Since too proToke me to speak — I 

must ifll vou roo, rhnt MrsCoaxer rhnrces you 

7%itti drfrMwtin^ litr of her ttifnrnmttniHmuticy, 

for ibc ujiptchcndiiig gf Curl-pated Ilu>>h. In- 

deed, indeed, brother, we mast ponctusdiy pa^ 
our ipics, or wo shall have no intbrmation. 

Ijjck. Is this laiiguaj^e to me, sirrah ! — who 
have »v*d you from the gallows, tirrah ? 

[CoUuring cock other. 

Peach. If I am hanged, it shall be for riddit^ 
the world of an arrant nucaL 

Lock. This hand shell do the office of the hal- 
ter >ou devrve, mid throUle you — ^you dof; ! 

Peach. Brother, brother ! — we arc both in the 
wrong— wc ^iaN be both losers in the dispute— 
lor you kmiw, we liavc it in our power tn hang 
each other. Yoo slioutd nut ba so paswonate. 

Lock. Nor you so provoking. 

Prach, lis our motnal interest — *ti« for the ii»> 
tercnt of the world, wc should ajtre^^lf I lud 
any thing, brother, to the prejudice of your dn* 
racter, 1 aik pordoo. 

lAtrk. Brother Penchum — I can forpre.a* well 
us retcnt — Give mc your haml : suspicion doca 
not become a friend. 

Patch. I only meant to give you occasion tD 
justify yourself. But I must now fctep home, for 
I expect the gentleman about this snulT-box, tint 
Filch niiiimed two nights ago in the Park. I ap- 
pointed him at Oiis hour. [Knt. 

Enter Lucy. 

lAKk. Whence come you, hussr f 

Lury. My tcara micht answer that question? 

Lock. You have been wliim|>f-rmfE and fao- 
dlii>g like a spaniel, over tlic Idiow tliat halli 
abuM?d you. 

Lucy. Oue can't help love ; one csn't cure it. 
Ti.«. not iu my power to obey yuu, and hate him. 

Leek. Learn to bear four hasbund's dcnili like 
a rpiLsoniible woman : 'lis not the fnsltion nnW'S- 
day<t so much ■& tu aifcct sorrow np<m tbe>e o^ 
castons. No woman would ever uuirrv, if tit* 
had not the chance of mortality for a rcleaw. 
Act like a womiui of nuiiit, luissy, and thank jour 
faliicr fur wluu he is ouing. 

AIR- — Of a nvbU race wa» Shenkin. 

Lwcv. Is, then, his fate decreed, sir? 
.'siidi a man ran I think ofqulitiug? 
Wltcu tint wc met so moves nw yet. 
Oh ! see how my heart is splittitig. 

Jjock. Look ye, Lucy — there's no Mvin« him— 
so [ ihink yno most even do like other widows-- 
huy yourself weeds, and be dieerful 


You'll think, ere many days etmae. 
This Kcniencc not severe; 
I hunic your husband, child, 'tis tnic« 
But witli him haoK your CW, 
Twang (tangdillodce ! 





like a good wir«, |^ nxMii ov«r yxnt djring hus- 
buul 1 Uiai, cfaild^ is ynur dutv.— Consider, pt\, 
you cmn't hare Uic nwn ond ific money too — 90 
make joundf u cxty u you otn, by grttinf ult 
yoa can from faim. [Erit. 

Emter Macheitii. 

Xiiry. ThoQ^ ihe ordiwiry was oat nf the 
way tiMay, J hope, my dear, yoii nlil, apnn the 
fine <mpoitaiuty. qoict my scrupli^t. Oh, sir, my 
f«ther» hanl bean is nut to be •ofte tied, and I 
UB in the utmost despair! 

Mac. Bat if I could rruK a^mall Mim— would 
not tw«iuy guinea!, think you, move liim '— CM' 
ill ibe ar^aentft, in the n-ny of hu'^ineHi, tlic 
penfoiutt ii the most prcvailine. — Your father's 
peR|in«tes, for the escape or prisoners, must 
anmiot to a cuosidenifjlc Hum io Uk> y( ar. yiu- 
utj, well timed, ood properly applied, will do 
•ny thing. 

AlR. — Jjmdon ladies. 

If yoD, at an u/Bcc, Milint ynnr due. 
And wDold not hav« matters iicfjcctt--d, 
\ou iDuat quicken the clerk « Itb the perquiaite, 

To do what his duty directed. 
Or would you the trnwiii of a Indy prevent, 
Slie, tnt\ has thii palpable fnitiui;: 
The pan^tiisitr softens her into eniisent: 
TfaM R>«Min with all is prerailing. 

Imty. What lore or money can do, shall be 
done ; for «U ny comfort depends upon youi- 


IW^ ^Vllc^e is my dear husband ? — Wns n 

ver intended for ttiift ntxk ! OI1, let im 

• ray arm* about it, and throttle then with 

! — Whydo« thou turn away from me? *Ta 

r Polly— 6» thy wife ! 

Jf«c. Was erer socfa u oafortunatc mscal s» 

Xarv. Was there ever locrh another villain ! 

PajJy. Oh, MflcSeiith ! was it for thii we part- 
ed^ Isken! imprisined * tried! hanged! Cruel 
r<4acx>on ! O stay with thee till death— 00 force 
rinll U*t thy dear wife from lb<>c now. What 
■NHM m» lo»e ?— not one kind word ! not out 
bad look! Think what tby Polly sulfen to see 
dm in tbui oondttiim ! 

AUt^-AU M the Dwraj, Stc 

Jhrnti, wbcn the swallow, seeking prey, 
*idBB die %fe»h is closely pent, 
ir<taxnon. with hemunniftc lay, 
*aiioui ' L- for the event ; 

Hwch;. 1 n. all nround her skim | 

*• W«*i» "-^ui iiwi (puur bird ?), her wnl'* with 



Aftir. I must difown her [^«ide.]. Tite wencU 
is distracted ! 

lu<y. Aro I then bilked of my virtueF Can I 
IisTC no repamtionf Sure men mare bora to lie, 
nod women to hclicre them ! Oh, villain, villain I 

Paliy. Am X not thy wife ?— Thy ncclcct of 
roe, thy averuoo to me, loo scvcrciy proves it, — 
Ixx>k ou me — Tell ine, a.m I uot tliy wife i 

Lucy. Perfidious «n:tch ! 

VoO\f. Barbarous hutibaji<l ! 

Lurjr. Hndtt ihou lieeu hanged five mootli* 
ngo, 1 had bccu happy ! 

PoUtf. And I, too.— If yon hod been kind to 
me till dentil, it would not have vexed mc — aud 
that's no very unreasonable rcqiiPHt (tliough from 
a wife), to a man who liath not above »eren or 
eight du)-8 to live. 

Lucy. Art il«m, then, mnrried lo onotbcr? 
Ilast thoo two Hives monster? 

Mae. If wonicnv' tongues can cease for an ao- 
swer — Itear mc. 

Litrtf. I won't. — Flesh and blood cannot bear 
my uso^e. 

-PtW/y. Shall I not claim my own ?— Jnslfco 
bids me speak i 

Allt — JLrotyou heard of afroGcaamr AV/j/^ 

Mae. Wan happy ronld I be witJi cither, 
Were t'other dear charmer away \ 
But while ymi thtt* teaM* mc together, 
To neither a word will I say, 
But tol dc rol, Stc 

PoUjf. Sore, my dear ! there ouglit to be some 
preferenoe shewn to a wife; nt lea>t she may 
claim tlie appeuronce of it, lie munt be distract- ^ 
cd with his misfortunes, or he could not use ma 

iury. Oh, villain, vilhiin ! thoo ha*! deceiver! 
mc ! I could c«eii inform ojiaiiiiit tlice with pleit- I 
sure. Not a prude vt-ishes more iienrtily to liave 
facts Bf^DSt her intimate acquaintance, than I 
now wish to liavc fftrta BSniiiat thee. I would ' 
liave her satisfaction, and they stiould all out. 

AfR.— fn'iA tro(' 

Pollv. Vm bubbled I 

l.«fV. Fm bubbled! 

PoOif. Uh, how I am troubled I 

Lucu. Bamboozled luid bit ! 

Paihf. My distrcaaes ore doubled I 

Lary. When you cumo to the tr«e> should th« j 

hant^an refuse, I 

Theftc finget-ft, witli pleasure, could fasten tlie 

PoUy. I'm bubbled, && 

ilfoc Be pacified, my denr Lucy ! this is all ■ | 
fftch of Polly's, to make mc despemte witli T(MI 
in case I get olf. If I am hanged, she would taiq 





have the crc'lit of being thought mj widow. 

Kcnily, Polly, this is no time for a dispute of this 
sort ; for wheiie%-cr you are talking of raarriage, I 
ani (hiiikini; of himfpog. 

PoUif, And hast thou the ]>cart to persist in dis- 
on-ning mc } 

Mnc. And hast thou the heart to persist in per- 
suading mcthiitl am married? Why, Polty, dost 
thuu seek to aii^irnvntc my misfortunes? 

Lucy. Ucally, iMii^s Peaditim, you but expose 
yourself: besides, 'tis ha>'barous iq yoi| to worry 
ft gentleman in his circumstances. 


PoUif. Cease your funning, 
Force or cunning. 
Never shall my heart trepan : 
All these sallies 
Are but malice. 
To seduce my constfint man. 
Tis mobt certain. 
By thdr flirting, 
Women oft have envy shown : 
Pleased to ruin 
Ollicrs' wooinp, 
Nc\'cr happy in their onn ! 

Pocenry, madam, methinkSr might teacli you to 
lichavf: Yonrself «ith some reserve with thp bus- 
hand, v\\iW his \%ife is present. 

Jl/nr. But seriously, Polly, this is carrying the 
jnkc a little too far. 

l.ucif. If yoii arc determined, madam, to raise 
a disturbance in the prison, I sliull be obliged to 
send for the turnkey to shew you the door. I am 
sorry, madam, you force me to be si> ill-bred. 

Tolly. Give mc leave to tell you, madam, these 
forward airs don't becontc you in the least, nia- 
(liim ; and my duty, madam, obliges roe to stay 
with my husband, madaii). 

AIR. — Good-m^roWf gowp Joan, 

Lucy. Why, how now, Madam Flirt ? 
If you thus must chatter, 
And arc f(>r flinging dirt, 
Let's rr}- who test coo spattf r, 

Madam Flirt ! 

Pofly. Why, how now, sauqr jade? 
.Sure the wench is tij»y ! 
How can yoti sec me made FTo kirn. 

The soiiff of such a gipsy ? 
Saucy jade ! [To her. 

Enter Peacuvv. 

Peach. Where's my wench? Ah, hussy, hussy! 
Come YOU home, yon stut ! and, nbcn your fel- 
low \s hanged, hang yourself, to make your fami- 
ly ttjniL amends. 

PoUt/. Dear, dear father ! do pot tear ine from 
him. 1 must speak ; I have more to say to hiqi. 
Ob, twist thy fetters about me, that he may not 
liaut mc from thee ! 

Pench. Sure all women arc alike ! if erer tbey 
commit one folly, they arc sure to commit ai>- 
otbcr, by cxpoiyng themselves. — Away ! not a 
word qiorc ! — You are my prisooer now, hussy ! 

AIVL— Irish hovt. 

Polly. No power on earth can e'er divide 
The knot, that sacred love hath tied ! 
When parents draw against our raind, 
Tiic true-love's knot they faster bind. 
Ob, oh ray, oh Amborah — Oh, oh, &c. 

yHolding Macbeath, Peacuum p^Ung 
her. — Eseunt Peacsuh and Polly. 

Afar. I am naturally compas^onate, wife, ao 
tliat I could not use the wench as she deserved, 
nhich niiide you at first sospect there wasiome- 
thing in what she said. 

Lucy. Indeed, my dear ! 1 was stnu^ely pu^ 

Mfic. If that had been the case, her father 
wuuld never have brought me into thb dfcoiii- 
stnncc — No, Lucy, 1 had rather die than be AJse 
to (hec. 

Lucy. How happy am I, if yna say this fran 
your heart ! for I love thee so, that I could sooner 
hear to see thee hanged, than in the arms of an- 

ilfar. But copldst thou bear to see pie hao^ 

Lucy. Oh, Machcath ! 1 can never live to see 
that day. 

Mac. You see, Lucy, in the account of lore, 
you arc in my debt ; and you must now be con- 
vinced, that I rather chuse to die, than be ano- 
ther's. ]\Iake me, if possible, love tbee more, 
and let me owe my life to tbce. If yoa refuie 
to assist me, Pcadtum and your father will inh 
mediately put mc beyond all means of escape. 

Xttrj^. My father, I know, hath been dnnking 
hard with the prisoners; and, 1 fancy, he is now 
taking bis nap in his own room. If I can pn> 
cure the keys, shall I go off witli thee, my dearl 

Alac. If we arc together, 'twill be imposaUe 
to lie concenk'il- As i>oon as the search begim 
to be a little co«jl, I wilt send to tbee — till then, 
my heart is thy prisoner. 

Lucy, (.'ooio, then, my dear husband ! owe tby 
life to me — and, though ypu lov^ me not — he 

pratcful But that Polly runs iu my bead 


3/ffr. A moment of time may make os UDbt|h 
py for ever. 

A\lt,—The lau of Patios milL 

Lucy. I, like the foi, shall grieve, 
Whose mate hnth left her side. 


Rrtmsrt Mama. 

Whom lhw^(l^ fhtra mom to eve, 
Chua u*cr dit Couiitry w ide. 
Where COD my torer biJi^ 

Where cheat the wnry pack? 
It' loi'C be ii»t his gui<10i 
Uc iMVcr nill cotnv back. 


[ Exeunt. 



SCENE t—HragaU. 

Enter JjithtT nnH I.UCT. 

lufk. To be sure, wcncli, you mu)»r have been 
aUinj aod iilx^ttini: lo Kelp liiiii I'j his yscHpc. 

tMty. -Sir, here haili been I'cAchuni ami his 
liaugbler PoIIy ; ami. to Iw sure, ificy tn'W tht- 
waja of Ncueiie u* well n* if I'.py h:id hwn 
Urm anrt bred in the pUicc oil ihcir livcfi. Why 
DiuM ull jtjur 9U«piciim li^ht iipoD inc? 

t/w-A:. Imcs, Lucy ! I ivitl hnve luiiie of the** 
»brf?'- ".r». 

/ , ihen — if I know any thing of hiiu, 

1 HI .. 1 .>,», \je liiiriil! 

LkIc, Keep your temper, liU^', or I shall pro- 
bounce yoii Kuilly. 

tMcy. Ke«p yftiir'4, iir F do wish 1 may be 

burnt, I dn— Aud tiliAt can I wy mure to ojii- 
TlBCe you? 

Ijoek. Old be tip hflndsumely \ how much 

did he cnmc doivnnilh? Come, (lufev, linn't 
ctieat v>ur fntlicr, qnd I ^tlall ntx be nri;;ry with 
TOO — IVrlinp* ym liarr made a beticr Iwirj^jiin 
with him, than [ Could liti^e done — Qij^ much, 
Bjy pmd triri ? 

rjtry- Yufj know, tir, I am fond of lliin, And 
toold Ivwc given luuney L(> Iiuk* kept hiio with 


£#rA. Ah, Lucy ! thy education mii>ht haro 

Ct rlifte mtirr iipiin iliv ^unrd ; for a pirl, in tlic 
rof lui nicliuuse, is nlwHyA liesc^ed. 
£«r)r. Dear sir ! innitiiM) ixjt my cducaliun — 
lor '(iv»« tu that ] owe luy ruin. 

AIR. — IfUtt^M a WW/ pauiouf Ac. 

Wbco ymine at lite hw you fir^t tauglit inc to 
.Ind bid itie br free of my lips i^od no more, 
1 nu ktMcd by the parabn, the Mjiiire, nud the 

Vhrni the RueW wos deported, tlie LUi was for- 

mth» ktSB wfts so tweet, nnd so closely tte prcst, 
1lM I Ungauhed nnd pined till I granted the resL 

If na can fori;lTe mc, sir, I will oiabr u fulr 
(vi^naicm : fur, to he sure, lie hat}i Lccn a miMt 
*■**««(» riUatn Vi mr. 

iMk. Ami M fou have let hiia esi-npc-, hu»sy ! 
L«ry. Wlicn a wnmon lores, a kind look) a 

'"^ - .,J, can prr^undi: her tO nny thing 

<i Ksk no otliri- bribe. 
,jj— •> llimi nilt always !« n rutf^ar ^lut ! — 
ou wnuM not br luoknl u|Ntii ai a foul, 
I never do 

iii^ of interest: tliose that act otlicrwiic arc ihclr 
own Uibblw- 

Lucjf. B«u love, sir, is :i misfurtunf th»t may 
tittpptii tit the most ili>crcL-t wiuunn ; and. in 
lore, we are all fOols alike. — N'mwIiliAi-ftiiiliit:; :ill 
lie wore, I am iiow fully niitrinccd thsit Poll/ 

Fcflclium ti acroall? hia ivitc. Did I Id him 

escape (fotil that ] was!) to gii U* her? — Polly 
will urhct:Jle lienrJt' into liK inmi^y, iiud then 
EVactmm will \iAa^ him, and cheitt us both. 

Lock. So I ain to be ruined, bi'iiiuitf, lnrd>iotll, 
y»ii must to ill luve ?— A \ery pi-ftty Ptcuse • 

Lmy. I ctmid murder thnC impttilirti b:ippy 
■iiruihptit — 1 p*»e hiin his life, aiul ilmt crwiiurd 
ctijoya the swi'cls of it — rngriiltful Muclttaill ! 

Ain-Smth .S<-« halla-K 
My love i» all maincss and fully; 
Atone [ lie. 
Toss, luinhlc, and en-. 
What a happv crcnlure is P^jly 1 
Was t'cr sutii a wretch as I ! 
With rai;e I redden iile ^carlctf 
Tliat niv ilcar Jucuiistanr viirlct. 
Stark blind la my dianui, 
Is lost ij tV iirins 
Of thnt Jilt, that imclji:ll;)g luirlot ! 
St.tik blidd to uiy elioiinS 
I» hint ill the anas 
Of ittut jilt, tb;il iiik-eixlinp liarlnt ! 
TIlis, tilis iny rcscuaneni aLirius. 

Zt)ck. And *o, nfter all litis misdiief. I musC 
ttayhcre to be entertained with your caterwaul- 
ing, Mi»tre<9S Pusi! Out of my suht 

wanlOQ struitipet ! you shall fa^r nnd moi-tlfy 
vnursclf into reason, with now niu! ihra a lidlu 
liaudsome discipline In briiitf yon Vt your 9cuh>. 
— — —Go! [Exithvcr.] Peic'uunllieii intends 
I'j outwit nic io this alTdir ; but I'll ho ctpii with 

him. — ' llie du^^ is Iraky in his liquor, so I'll 

ply him that wnv, get tho ■«t'ci*t Inmi Imn, and 

luro iliii nfiiiir to toy own adv;intn-2c. 

Peiicbuin is my Coinpiu^iotj, my frioiid Ar- 

cordiag to the custom of the world, indvu-J, lw> 
hiay quote thnuHaads of prcccdL'tlt* lor chejitinii 

mi:' nnd shall not [ louke um* of the pnvtlc^u 

of friendship, to make Itiui a return? 

AlK.—Packinftou*a pimnd, * 
Tbiin, pimestcr* imiti-d in frieiiJahlfi are fnuntf, 
Tliu'thcy kuuvn that tlteiriiidiMtry nlli^ [i client; 
Tlicy flock to their prey at llic dioc-Utx'* <Hiund, 
And Join to promote one unuthetS deceit : 
Bui if hv iiii^hnu 
They fail of a chap. 
To keen in tticir hita 




like pikes, lank with hnngcr, who miss of their 

They bite their companions, and pre; on their 

frieoda : 

Now, Peachum, you and I, tike honest trades- 
men) are to hare a fair trial, which of us two can 

ovei^reach tlie other. — Lucy [Enter LucT.] 

Are there any of Peachom's people now in the 

Lucy. Filch, sir, is drinking a quartern of 
strong waters in the next room with Bluck Moll. 

Lock. Bid him come to me. . [Exit Lvcy . 

Enter Fitcn. 

Why, boy, thou lookest as if thou wert half-star- 
ved, like a sbotten herring. But, boy, can'bt thou 
tell me where thy master is to be found i 

Fiich. At his lock, sir, at The Crooked Billet. 

Lock. Very well — I have nothing more with 

Jou. [Exit riLcn.] TU go to him there, for 1 1 
ave many important afiairs to settle with him, 
and in the way of those transactions TU artfully 
get into hb secret — so that Macheath shall not 
remain a day loiter out of my clutches. [Exit. 

SCENE It.— j1 gaming'houte. 

Macheath m a fine tarniihed coatf Ben Budge, 
Mat of the Mitit. 

Afar. I am sony, gentlemen, the road was so 
barren of money. When my friends are in dif- 
ficulties, I am always glad, that my fortune can 
be serviceable to them. {Give$ them money.] 
You see, gentlemen, I am not a mere court- 
friend, who professes every tbin^ and wiU do 


Hie modes of the court so common are grown, 

Tliat a true friend can hardly be met ; 

Friendship for interest is but n loan, 

Which tlicy let out for what they can get : 

Tis true, you find 

Some friends so kind. 

Who will give you good counsel tbemselves to 

In sorrowful ditty 
They promise, they pity, 
But sliif^ you, for nuiney, from friend to friend. 

But we, gentlemen, have still honour enough to 
break Uirough the corruptions of the world — 
and, while I can ser\'c you, you may command 

£en. Tt grieves my heart, that so generous a 
man should be involved in such difficulties as ob- 
lige liim to live with such ill company, and lierd 
with gamesters. 

Milt, ^fL the partiality of mankind ! — One 

man may steal a horse, better than anotfacr look 
over a licdge. — Of all medwnics, of all servile 
handicraftsmen, a gamester is the vilest: bat yet, 
as many of (he quiuity are of the profeanon, he 
is admitted amongst the politest compaDy. I 
wonder we are not more respected ! 

Mae. There will be de«> play to-ntght at 
Marybone, and consequenuv, money may be 
picked up upon the road. Meet ae there, and 
111 give you the hint who is worth setting. 

Mat. The feUow with a brown coot, with a 
narrow gold binding I am told is never withoat 

Mac. What do you mean, Mat? Sure joowiU 
not tliink of meddling with him ! he's a good bo- 
uest kind of a fellow, and one of us. 

Ben. To be sure, sir, we will pat oorselTes vo- 
der your direction. 

Mac. Have an eye upon the non^-Ienden — 
A rouleau or two would prove a pretty aoct of 
an expedition. I hate extortion. 

Mat. Those rouleaus are very pretty tluogt ■ 
I hnte your bank-bills ; there is such a hazard in 
putting them off. 

Mac. There is a certwn man of dislinctiont 
who, in his time, hath nicked me oat of a great 
deal of the ready : he is m my cash, Be o 111 
point him out to you this evenii^ and yon sfaoU 
dVaw upon him for the debt — ^The company are 
met ; I hear the dice-box in the otiier room ; to, 
gentlemen, your servant Youll meet me at 
Marybone ? 

Mat, Upon honour. [Rremt. 

SCENE m^pEACBVx's lock. A tuble, with 
wine, brandyt pipff and tobacjc^ 

Enter Peachch, and Lockit. 

Lock. The coronation-account, brother Peadf 
um, is of so intricate a nature, that I beBeve it 
will never be settled. 

Peach. It consists, indeed, of a great rwnetj 
of articles— It was worth to our people, in ftc* 
of different kinds, above ten instalments. But. 
brother, it is imposuble for us now to enter up* 
on this affair — we should Imve tiie whole dt^ 
before us — Besides, the account of the last ball- 
yenr's plate is in a book by itself, wbidi lies ai 
the other office. 

Lock. Bring us, then, more liquor — To^f 
shall be for pleasure — to-morrow for busine»— 
Ah, brother ! those daoghters of ours are tin> 

slippery hussies Keep a watdifu) epi upon 

Polly ; and Macheath, in a day or tW(^ shall beoitr 
own again.* 

AIR. — Down in the North eatntry. 

Lock. What gudgeons are we men ! 
Every womwi's easy prey; 
Tlinugh we have felt the book, ^ud 
We lute, and they bctiay. 




The bird that bath been trapt, 
Wbrn lie hmn his cnllint^ tant^ 
To her he Hies ; of^n he's cbi|>C 
Within the wir^ grate. 

But wltat signifies c)Ucliin» tbn bird, if 
^lUiigbter Ijjcy will set opca tlie door ot' the 

UKk, U mea were Rnswerable for the foltics 
Bad frultics of their wives and daughters, nu 
fnends cxuild keep a {nod cormpondeuce tage- 
tbcr for t<ra days — ^This u ookind or you, bru- 
titer, for amooft good fneods, what die; say or do 
goct for Dothing. 

Enter FiLcu. 

Fit Sir, here's Mrs Diana Trapes wants to 
tpeak wttti Tou. 

PakA. Sbali we admit bcr, brother Loclit i 

LkM, By all means Jic'a a i^ood cu»- 

tnncr* and a 6ne ipolien wotmut — uid a W'Tfutnii, 
wbo drinks and talLk vj t'redjr, will enliven the 

PeacA. Desire licr to walk to. [Eiit Filch. 

Enter Mas Trapes. 

Mn Dye ! your senruit— one (nay know by 
Liss thai ymr riii i* excellent. 
\K*. 1 W4» jil*»-t»y« »ery curious in my H- 

Lxk. There is do {wrfiimefl breath like it — 1 
ktfe been Ions aoquamted wiUi tlie flavour of 
tbow lip*— hn'ut I, Mn D>cP 

Tr*pt», Fill it UP— I take oa larae tlrnuglits of 
lM|iP>r. ■• I did of love — 1 bale a Windier in ei- 

AIR- — A tkepkrrd kept ihtep, SfC. 

la the tiays of my youth I could bill like a 

dare, fa, ia, la, Ice. 
tAe a kpaiTow nt alt times was ready for love, 

fa. Is, la, tSic. 
The life of all inortnU in kisutif! »lioultl pass. 
Lip tu lip wliile Mt-'rr yout^ then the lip to 

cbc glass, i'o, la, &ic. 

BbC BOW, Mr Pcacliura, tn our business. If you 
lwNe)ilarck.s of any kiod bruucbi in of Inte, nian- 
tta* — «vlvrt !car/> — petticoats — let it t>e what it 

Will 1 mn ytwr diap— for all my ladies are 

nnr fond of mouniiii^- 

t^fofh. Why look vc. Mrs Dye — too deal so 
hard with tts^ that \ve can adurd tu pve dte gen> 
tknes, wdo reecure their lives for the goods ht- 
iki or Dotliini!, 

Trapn. The hard timrs oblige me tn p» rerv 
Mar tn my He.di(i)> — To be «ure, uf late wars, 1 
We been a (treat solTi-TCr by the I'ariiament— 
ikfM thAii*and poitndh noiilJ hiirdly make me 
■■enli — Ttm tu't r>ir deirtroymg tlie Mint, was a 
•nere cut upon wir buHnrss till cbcn, if a 

ciutomer ntept out nf the wny-wr knetv wlicre 
tu linvc her : No rf'xibt, vnti know Mrs Couri- 
er — Tbere*s a weach now (till to-duy) n-ttd h e^khI 
suit of clothct of mine upon her back, and [ ccmtJ 
nwer set evea upon Iwr t"nr tlircc monthn toge- 
ther, Since tl)0 act, too, ngainst impriwii- 

Dieut for small sums, my loss tliere too hulli Ijeen 
vcHr* cuiiHiilf;rable ; mid it must be so, witeti a 
lady can burrow a handsome pcttiriiHt ur a clean 
prun-n, and I iu>t luivp die lea^t bank upon her; 
Olid of my cnii>iciei>cc, non'-it-dnys, intnt Indies 
lake delight in clieatinj^ when Uicy cun do it 
tvilh safety! 

Peach. Mndnm, you had a hnndsome gold 
watch of u& the other day fur i^vnn jruincns — 

Ciinsidrring; we must linve our profit ^to w 

gciitlcnion a|>nn the road a gold watch will be 
scarce worth the tukiw. 

Tfnpcs. Consider, Mr Pcacbum, that watcli 
wns remarkable, nod i»t of very Kife sale. If 
you have any black velvet satrfs — tlwv art- a 
handsome wioter wear, and take with mint geiv- 
tlrmcn, who deal with my customer*— ^—Ti* 
I that put the ludiea upon a ^ind fmit: *liq nut 
youth or bcautv that fi\ei their price; die gentle- 
men alw:i_vs |)ay accunliog tn their drms, from 
half-a-crown to two guineas, and yet thoise hussies 
make luittiinji; itf i>ilking of me — Then, too, al- 
lowing for accidents — I havo eleven line custo- 
mers now down i)n<kr ihc mir^eon'ir liand 

what with fees and other expenc*», there aro 
great gutn^B-out and uo comiiig»-in, mid not a far- 
thing to pay for ut letut n inunlb's cloathing — 
We run great risks — great ri»k», indcefl. 

pMch. As I remember, you said bomethiag 
jurt now of Mrs Coanur. 

Trapn. Yes, sir; tu be sure I stripped Iwr of 
a suit uf my own clothes about two hours ago, 
and have left her, ns slie should be, in lier sliifc, 
with a lover of her's Qt my bousr. She called 
liim up si.nin, ns he was goinn to Mnrybone in a 
liucknev-cnucli — and, I hope, fur her own snka 
arul mine, she will persuade Uie capcnin tu re- 
deem her, for the captain is very generous to the 

Xoc/f. Wbitt captain^ 

Trapci. lie thought I did not know hiin — an 
intimate acquaintnnce of yniir's, Mr Hcachum — • 
anlv captain MBchcnth — us fine as a lord. 

^eatk. Tu-moriow, dear Mn Dye! you sliall 
set your own price upon any of the goods ym» 

like We have at leail half a doien velvet 

scarfs, and all at your service. Will you give 
me leave to make you a present of this suit of 
night-clothes for rour own wrarii^^ But are you 
&urc it is captain Marhcath ! 

Trapes. Though he think* 1 have forgot him, 
m4>ody kuows him better. I have tiikcu u gi-eat 
deal of the captain'^ money in my time nt se- 
cnnd'liand, for ho a)way<« loved to liove his bidie*i 
well dressed. 

Ptach. Mr LockJt and I have a Htilo business 





with the captain vou understand me? — and 

WD will satisfy ynu for Mrs Coaxer's debt. 

Lock. Depend upon tt we will deal like 

men of honour. 

'IVapes. I dun't inquire after your aflairs — so 

whatever happens I wash my hand» on't It 

haUi alwajrs been my raoxiro, that one friend 

should assist another But, if you please, 

1*11 take one of the scarfs home with me ; 'tis al- 
wavs good to have something in hand. 


SCENE lV,—Ncjrgbte. 

Lucy. Jealousy, rage, love, and fear, are at 
once tearing me to pieces. How I am weather* 
Watcn and shattered witli distresses ! 

AIR. — One evening hntng lost my way. 

I'm like a skiff on the ocean tnst. 

Now high, now low, with each billow home, 

With her rudder broke, and her anchor lost, 

Deserted and all forlorn : 

While thus I lie rolling and tossing all night. 

That Polly lies sporting on seas of delight I 

Hevcnge, revenge, revenge. 

Shall appease my restless sprite ! 

I have the ratsbane ready- 

-l run no risk, 

for I can lay tier death upon the gin, and so ma- 
ny die of tliat naturally, that I shall never be 

called in question But say I were to be hani^- 

cd 1 never could be hanged for any 

thing that would eivc me greater comfort than 
the poisoning that slut. 

Enter Filch. 

Fikh. Madam, here's Miss Polly come to wait 
apon you. 

Lucy. Shew her in. 

Enter Pollt. 

Polly. Dear madam ! your servant. I hope 
you will pardon my pasuou — when I was so hap- 
py to see you last — I was so over-run with the 
spleen, that I was perfectly out of myself; and 
really when one hath the spleen, every thing is 
to be excused by a friend. 

AlR.^NoWf Roger, I'll tell thee, beeauie thmt 
art my $on. 

When a wife's in her pont 

(As she is sometimt-s, no doubt) 

The good husband, as meek as a Urab, 

Her vapours to still 

First gnmrs her her will, 

And the quieting draught is a dram; 

Pour man ! and tbc quieting draught is a dram. 

-I w;i^ all our quarrels might have so 
comfortable a reconciliation: 

Polly, I have no excuse for my oAn behaviour, 
madam, but my misfortunes— ^d really, ma- 
dam, I suffer too upon your account. 

iMcy. But, Miss Polly — in the way of friend- 
^ip, ivill you give me leave to propose a glass oT 
coraial to you r 

Pally. Strong weterv are apt to give me tlw 
head-ache. I hope, madam, you will excuse me, 

Lucy. Not the greatest lady in the land could 
have better in her closet Ibr her own private 
drinking — Yon seem mighty low in spirits, my 

Polly. I am sorry, madam, my health will not 
allow tnc to accept of your nfler — I should nut 
have left }'ou in tne ruoe manner X did, when we 
met last, madam, had not my papa hauled me' 
away so unexpectcdly-^l was, indeed, somewhat 
provoked, and perhaps might use some expres- 
sions, that were disrespecaul — but really, ma- 
dam, the captain treated me with so much con- 
tempt and cruelty, that I deserved your pity ra- 
ther than your resentment. 

Lucy. But since his escape, no doubt all mat- 
ters are made up agnin — Ah, Polly ! Polly ! 'tis 
I am the unhappy wife, and lie loves you, as if 
you were only nis mistress. 

Polly. Sure, mariam, you cannot think me so 
happy as to be the object of your jealousy?— A 
man is always afraid of a woman, who loves him 
too well — so that I must expect to be oeglect- 
ed and avoided. 

iMcy. I'lien our cases, my dear Polly, are 
exactly alike : both of u^ indeed, have been tuo 





AlEL— 0, Beiiy Bell, ^c. 

A curse attends that woroan*s lore, 
Who always would be pleasing. 
The [wrtncss of the billinfr dove, 
Like tickling is but teasing. 
What, then, in love can woman do? 
If we grow foud, they shun us, 
And when we fly them they pursue. 
But leave us when they've won us. 

Lucy. Jjove is so very whimsical in both seies, 
that it is impossible to be lasting — but mv heart 
is particular, and contradicts my own obserra- 

Polly, But really, mistress Ijicy, by his Inst 
behaviour, I think I ought to envy you — When I 
was forced from him, he did not show the least 
tenderness — but, perhaps, he bath a. heart not 
capable of it. 

AIR. — Would/ate to me Belinda give. 

Among the men coquettes we find 
Who cour^ by.turus, alt womankind. 



Aad fB grant all their heftrtx desired, 
Whcu the; are llattercd unci aduuriKL 

Hiccoqocttia of bocb acxesare aclfloven, luid 
Hat n a lore no other whatever can dispoucsci. — 
1 fiaar, in; ilear Lucyt our husband is one of 

£m^ Awajr witll tliCM uiL-lnnctmly rt:l1cctiims! 
— ladBol, m; dear PoUjTt wc iirc both of iis n 
rm tiM knr i kt mc pro oil ufwo you Ui wwpi 

AlB. — CiMUt (vcv' 'at* 

Conw, sweet lass ! 
X^rc't baui»li wmtdw 
Tdi Kt-morrow ; 
Come, sMcet litu ! 
Lets take a chirpirig gloss, 
Wine can rltnr 
Tht tapiMjr^ of despair, 
And make u% tight as nir ; 
Tbeo dhnkf and banifli caro, 

] csm'i licar, diild, to iiee you in sacli lotv ftptritfi 
■ad I auuA pcfhuadc you tu what [ kuow 
anil do you guod I sikull now soon be even 

««k tlie kypocriticnt kinimpci. I Jiu/e.] [KrU. 
J^M^ All ibia vtbcvilUuji of Lucy can't be fur 
nodBQiE — at thi!) time t>x>, wttett I know fiiui 
hitea m* ! — The diMciublmg of n woraiui it id- 
■^ dkc fufiTuniic/ of niibdiicf— By pouring 
gOmig «raicr» du«n my llironl, sbe dunks to 
p Mip wiDe *ecrct» out of ine — I'll be upon my 
jionlt aad kuo'c ta»tc a drop of Uer liquor, I'm 

£*lrr LcTT, iFi/jl Strang a-aferi. 

Z»ry. ' •^■» Polly. 

i'c^^. . lid, you hare given yourself 

inwMr to uj purpose — V»u must, my dear, cx- 

tmof. R«ally, Mi*i Polly, yoij are as B»]ueara- 
tJlly affccwd 'idwut taking u cup of strong 
wen, i' " 't*" ''-tore cnuipony. 1 row, Polly, 
I ri»U U iryiJily ill, if you refuse me — 

IliMily ^ ou^li women love Uicin never 

w mvU) liiktn by u» with some rc~ 

IkImuoc- i^ in private. 

P^tff. I pruicftL. Mndiini. it goes acninftt 
BM — ^Wtuit il . \ •■(l\ Miicheaih n^in in 
oi^i iiimcrinR nf Imppini'M it» 

hu .'/'Lifiar iin the grvand. 

JUuy' -Viux. Ui.n^i aie Uiui, I'ut i;lad dto 
««ndi bath caniied ; for, by ihU event, 'tit plain 
4e tt^ not happy euou^li to dcsertc tu be 

>- Lonttr, M*cituTTi» and PtACDm. 
ijxk. Set yoBT bewl at rest, captain Yoo 

have neither die chane*' STTSi^or money for 

another escape, for ynu are orden.'d tn be called 
down ution your trial immediately. 

Petxh. A^vay, hussies ! this is not a time for a 
mnn to be hampered widi hliwifcs — you sec tlie 
geiillcnmn is in chnin» already. 

Imci/. O husband, husband ! my heart longed 
to see tbcc, but to we thee Uius, <£*itnu:ts me . 

Patltf. Will not wv dear butband look upon 
his Pofly ? Why hadst tliou not flown to me for 
protectitm > wiiJi mc thou hadat been safe. 

A1 K.-~The last time I came o'er the moor. 

Pittiif. Ilidtcr, dear husband ! turn your eyes, 

Lucif. Ucstow one glance to cheer me. 

PoOf/. Think wiUi diat took ifay Polly dies. 

Imci/. U }>hun me nut, but hear mc. 

Polh/. *ris Pully sues. 

hfcv. 1'is l.ui-y speaks. 

PuO^. U UiuH true love requited? 

Lucy. My Itenri iti bnrstmg. 

Ptti)i/. IMinc too brcaka. 

Lucy. Must I, 

PoOy. Must I be slighted ? 

Mac. \VTiat would yott have mc say, ladies .' — 
You i>ec this niTair will soon be at nn end, witli- 
out ray disublipnn ciUier of you. 

Peach. But the scttlii^ this point, captain. 
mi^ prevent a luw-suit between your two 

AIR.— Tom Ttakeri my true hve, Jfc. 

Mac. Which way shall I turn roc f — how can I 

(K'cido i 
Wives, the day of onr death, are at fond as a 

One wifp is too lauch for most hiislwnds to bear. 
But t»'o ut a time there's no mortal cun bear, 
This way, nitd thnt war, and wliich way I will, 
Wliat KMiikt uiinftirl llic one, t' other wife would 

inie lit. 

Pallif. But if his own miefortuncs have made 

him itiseo'iible u> mine a father, sure, will 

be more coropaviiunatc l)enr, dtt»r sir! 

■•ink the mutcrial evidence, and bring hiai off 

at his trttti Polly, upon Iter knees, be^ it ol' 


AIIL — / am a poor lAepherd andoite. 

WIk-h niv lH?rn in cnurt appears 
And stand* nrraijcned fiT his lile, 
llicii Utink of yniir Folly's lean*. 
For, nh t poor Polly's Ins wife. 
Like tite suitor he luitds up his baod, 
Distrest un the do&luu^ nnte; 
To die a dry death ut laud 
Is as bad as a wat'ry grave. 




And alas, poor PoIIv ! 
Alack, and wcll-a-dny ! 
Before I was in love, 
• Oh ! cv'ry month was May. 

Lucy. If PcachD^l*^ heart ia hardened, sore 
you, sir, will have more compassioD on a daugh- 
ter 1 know the evidence is in yonr power 

-How then can you be a ^rrant to me ! 


AIR. — lantke the Icwfy, JSfC. 

When he holds up his hand arraigned f<v his 

O, think of your dac^ter, and ^nk Tin his 

What are cannons or bombs, or clashing of 

For deatli is more certain by witnesses' words : 
Then nail up their lips, that dread thunder 

And each month of my life will hereafter be 


Lock. Macheath's time is come, Locy—— We 
know oar own affurs ; therefore, let ds have no 
more whimpering or whining. 

AIR. — A cobler thert waSf ifc. 

Ourselves, like the great, to secure a retreat, 
When matters require it, must g^ve up our gang; 
And good reason why, 
Or instead of the fry. 
Even Peachum and I, 
Ukc poor petty rascals might hang, hai^ 
Like poor petty rascals might bang ! 

Peach. Set your heart at rest, Polly—your 

husband is to die torday therefore, if you 

arc not already provided, 'tis high time to look 
about for another. Tliere's comfort for you, you 

Lock. We are ready, sir, to conduct you to 
Old Bailey. 

ATR, — Bonny Dundee, 

lilae. The charge is prepared, the lawyers are 
The judges all ranged (a terrible show !) 
I go undismayed — for death is a debt, 
A debt on demand — so take what I owe. 
Then, farewell my love !— dear chnnners, adieu ! 
Contented I die — ^'tis the belter for you. 
Here ends all dispute the rest of our lives. 
For itiis way at once I please all my wives. 

Now, gentlemen, I am ready to attend you. 
[Ejeunt Peachch, Lockit, and Macheath. 

Polfy. Follow them, Filch, to the court, and 
when the trial is over, bring me a particular ac- 
count of his behaviour, and of every thing that 

happened Yooll 6nd me here witli Mim 

Lucy. [EixU Filch.] But vriiy is all this mn- 

Lucy. The prisoners, whose trials are pat off 
till next sesson, are diverdnfj diemselTes. 

PoUy. Sore there is nodung so diarmiiw as 
music r Fm fond of it to distraction — But, was! 
— now all mirth seems an insult upon my afflio 
tion. — Let us retire, my dear Lacy ! and lodulgie 
our sorrows — The noisy crew, you see, are com- 
ing upon us. [£jrcMiif. 

A dattee ofpriumen in ekaimtj ^ 

SCENE IV.— rA« etm^emned hold. Mao 
BUTB m a meUmcMy pottmre. 

AIR. — Happy grmei. 

O cnid, cruel, cruel case f 
Must I suBer this dis^ace f 

AIR.— Of a// the girb that are to mart: 

Of all the friends in time of grief. 
When thrcat'oii^ Death loolka grimmer. 
Not one so snre can bring nelia 
At this best friend, s brimmer. [DruiJfci. 

AIR.— BritoM ttrike home .' 

Since I nrast swii^— I tcofni, I acorn to wince 
or whine. TRi$et. 

AflL—Chety eha$e. 

But now i^n my surits sink, 
I'll raise them high wiu wine. 

[Drinkt a glau ffwine, 

AIR.— To old Sir Simo* the king. 

But valour the stronger grows 
The stroT^cr liqDor we're drinking 
And how can we feel our woes 
When we liave lost the troaUe of dunkiu? 


AIR.— Jay to great Ctfivr. 

If thus — a man can die, 
Moch bolder with brandy. 

{Pours omt a hmqter ^ brandy. 

AIR. — There wa$ an old woman, 4^ 

So I drink oflF this boroper— —and now I ctt 
stand the test, 




Aad my comrades ihall ee« ihat I die aa lirare 
as the best [Drinks, j 

Ant~2>itf JWM rwr hear of c galiant uti/or f 

Bat con I leave my pr*itv huwies, 
Wittwul one tear or tender stgh ? 

AIR. — Why «re mint tyti ttiUfioKing f 

Tbeir ejrci, thrir lips, their buiaes, 
Rccal toy love— Ati ! tuu&i I die ! 

AIR. — (jreen Stttvet. 

Since laws were mndc for every dejtrce, 
T«> curb vu'f u» otliors. m well n* in iiic, 
I M under wr liaVt belter cmopiuiy 
Vpou Tylmrn tree ! 

Out K«>ld frmi law ciui tnlce out the sling. 
And if rich incu tike u^ ii*'urc to nwini^ 
Tivould thin the land »uc)i numbers to string 
Upou Tyburn tree ! 

JaU. Some frieudft of yours captain, deare to 
bcadrailfied — Heave you togiiher. 

[Erit Jailor, 

£nter Ben Bi^ikie and Mat of the Mist. 

\faf. For iDj liHting broke priuini vou see, 
gcnileinen. 1 am ordf- red tor immediate exccutiitn 
— ^Tbe iherifT* otfircr*, I believe, are now ar tlie 

doof IhaX Jemmy Twilclier &houhl jteuch 

aie, I uwn snrurised nic — 'Tit» a plain proof, that 
the world is all otike, and that even our gan^; can 
no more tru»t one another (htui other people; 
duTftiirc, I beg yuu, i^utlcuiCOf loulc well to 
yonnrlvet, fur. in lUl probability, you may live 
•OiM nHMith* lonrer. 

Mmt. We arc ftciu'tily sorry, captain, for y<)iir 
■ufortunea — but 'lis whni we must all come to. 

Mac. I'barhum and Ixx'kit, you know, are in- 
&MHsa Kroutidrcls: thtir lives arc a» miit-b iii 

JOBT power, as yours arc in ilirim Remember 

jiMr dying friend "lift iny last request 

BriiK thoie v'dlains to the gallows before you, 
lad 1 atn Miisfied. 

Jtfaf. We'll doV 

Re-enttr Jailor. 

JW. M«M PuUy oud Miss Lucy entreat a word 
«ttk tou. 
Afar. Gentlemen, adieu ! 
[CmmI Bck Bi DCE ditd Mat (^ the Mint. 

^ter LucT and Pottr, 

Mr. My dear Lucy ! my dear Polly ! whatsoever 
■Uk pM between u», is now at an end — If you 
VI fowl id* uuirrytiiu at.'uiu, ihc bcsi advice I can 
IM »wu in, to »liip yourselves off for lite West 
"^ where you'llh'ave a fair chance of geUing 


a huslwuwl a-piece, or, by gorMl luclj, two or three, 
as vnti lilvL- beat. 

Polb/. How can I support lhi« sijcht ! 

Lttctf. There is nothing iootc^ one so much as 
a great man in di^trm I 

AIR.— il/Z^oa that mutt take a tea/t. 

f.uiy. Wrinh! I m^hl he hanged ! 
I^oilt/. And 1 nould mi bio ! 
Lucy, lo be haik^d with von ! 
Poiiy. My dear, with vou f 
Mac. i) leave me to (fKni}:hl ! I fear! I dooM ! 
[ tremble ! I druop ! — Se*", my coiin><;e is out ! 
[ 7*ur«( u^ the empty bottle. 
Lucif. No token of luvc i 
Polly. Adieu ! 
Luff, Farevtell ! 
Mac. But hark ! I hear the toll of \ht bell ! 

JaiL Four women more, captain, witli a diild 
a-ptecc. Sec, here tliey come. 

Enter IVomen aad ChUditn. 

Mac. What ! four wives more !— tins is too 
mucli — llcrc — tell the BbcritTs officers 1 am 
ready. | Eieunt. 

Enter BtocAH ant/ Playeb. 

P/iry. But, iKWicfl fricod, I Iwipe you dont in- 
tend that Maclicnth shnll tic really executed? 

Hrg. Most certamlVf sir : to iiinkc the piece 
perfect, I was for donii; Mrict poetical juBticc. 
Xlaclicath is to he lian):cd : unil, fur the other 
pern>iiA^cs of llic drama, the nudieoec must sup- 
pose they were all ciihcr hanged or tnm»ported. 
Play. Why ibcii, friend, this it> a downright 
deep tragedy. The caloMtuphe ia uuiuifc^ly 
wrong; for an opera must end happily. 

Bcfi. Yonr objection is very |it*l, and is eanily 
removed ; for you must ollow, ilial. in tltis kind of 
drama, 'tis no matter how ah*iunlly things are 
bniughi aliont : *o you rabble ilierc — run and 
cry, A Reprieve ! — Let the prisoner be brought 
bade (o his wives in iriumph. 

Play. AIJ thill we must do to comply with the 
taste of the town. 

tteg. Thntugh the whole piece jou may ob- 
«cnie such » similitude of manners in hi^h aud 
low life, llmt it i& ditlicult tn delnrmmc whether, 
iu the fiuhionnhlu vii-ts, the line i;ciitk'iiirii imi- 
tate the srntlvnx-u of the roiul. or the uentleuien 
nf the road the fine t:efitlcincu. llu<l the play 
remained as I at lir^t intended, it would nB?e 
cHrricd a most excellent moral; 'twould have 
shewn, ttiut the lower sort of people liave their 
vices in .i decree h^ well as (he ricli, aud tlukt 
they arc punbhed far ihem. 




^•tnter MacKEatb, witk rabbk, &c. bawUng 
a Reprieve f 

Mac. So, it seeniB, I am not left to m; choice, 
but must have a wife at last-^Look ye, my 
dears, we will have no concroTersj now. Let us 
^ve this day to mirth, and I am sure ^le, who 
thinks herself my wif*^ will testify her joy by a 

AIL Come, a dance, a dance ! 

Mae, Ladies, I hope you will pre me leave 
to present a partner to each of you ; and (if I 
may without ofienoe) for this time 1 take Polly 
for mine — aud for tfc, you slut, for we were 
really married — As for the rest— But at present 
^p your own secret. [To Polfy. 


AIR. — lumps tf pudding, tfC. 

Thus I stand, like a Tuik, with his doiies 
From all 'sides their elances his passion confoonj. 
For black, brown, and fair, hisinoonstaDcy burm^ 
And the diffisrent beauties subdue him by turns. 
Each calls forth her charms to provoke his de- 
Though willing to all, with but (me be retires. 
Then think of this maxim, and put off all somnr. 
The wretch of to-day ma? be happj to-mnro*'. 
Chona. Then think of this maitim, &c 

[£reifi«t oames, 







CSooDALL, fmtker to Valkhtiitk. 
Valektine, attacked to C^MMJOm-i. 
LoKD Puff. 

Blcff, « drunken colonel, 
OiKASTLE, intended for Charlotte. 
Rakcit, tervant to CBAaLoxiE. 
Slap, a bailiff'. 


Jobs, iervant fo Valehtihe. . 
SEcrftiTT, « Hiurer. 


Mrs HtGHMAN, a widow. 
Charlotte, niece to Mrs Highhav. 
Lettice, the Intriguing CkiniU>ermaid. 

Genttemanj LaiUOf Constables, Seroanis,t[t, 



SCENE I.— A street. 

JSaler Mrs Highhan, puihing John out of 
the door. 

Mn High. BECOrrE, sirrah ! Out of my house, 
Mr Lener<arner ! and if I ever catch you in it 
■^n, your ean ^11 pay for your audacity. 

Jokn. honi I ma'am, this is not a love-letter 
fram my master to your nteoe, if the last was — 
this is ooly from Mrs Letlice, to your ladyship's 
woman, to invite her to our house this evening — 
we are to have a rout. 

Mrs High. A rout, indeed ! Td rout you all 
n some tone, were 1 yoor mistress. But begone, 
■mh : ru listen no longer to your impudence; 
ind leli that saucy jade, Lettice, to send do more 
d' her letters to my house. 

John. Lord! ma'am, here she is — so, i^ you 
please, you can tell ber jounelf. [Exit. 

Enter Lettice. 

Mrt High. Oh, Mrs Lettice, is it yoa? I am 
extremely glad to see you — you are toe very^r- 
son I would meet. 

Suct. I am much at your service, madam. 

Mrt High. Oh, madam, I know very well that; 
and at every one's service, I dare swear^ that will 
pay for it : but all the service, madam, that I 
have for you, is to carry a messa|t': to your ma»- 
ter — I desire, madam, that you would tell him 
from me, that he is a very great villain, and that 
I entreat him never more to come near my doors ; 
for, if I finii him within them, I wiU tun my 
niece out of tbem. 




Let. Trul}-, madam, you must send this by 
another messenger : but, pray, what has my mas- 
ter done to deserve it should be sent at all ? 

Mri High. He has done nothing yet, I believe, 
I thank Heaven and my own prudence ; but I 
know what he wonld do. 

Let. He would do nothii^; but what becomes 
a gentleman, I am confident 

Mrt High. Oh ! I dare swear, madam. Se- 
ducing a youi^ ladv is acting like a very fine gen- 
tleman ; but I shall keep my niece out of the 
hands of such fine gentlemen. 

Let. You wrong my master, madam, cruelly ; 
I know his designs on your niece are honour- 

Mrs High. Hussy, I have another match for 
her : she shall marry Mr Oldcastle. 

Let. Oh ! then, I find it is you that have a dia- 
honourable design on your niece? 

Mrs High, How, saucinesa ! 

I^et. Yes, madam ; marrying a young lady, 
who is in love with a young fellow, to an old one, 
whom she hates, is the surest way to bring about 
I know what, that can possibly be taken, 

Mrs High. I can Ijear tbib no lunger. I would 
advise you, madam, and your master both, to 
keep from my housej or I shall take measures 
you won't like. [Exit. 

Let. I defy you ! We have the strongest party ; 
and I warrant well get the better of you. But 
here comes the young lady herself. 

Enter Charlotte. 

Char. So, Mrs Lettice ! 

Let. lis pity you had not come a little sooner, 
madam : your good aunt is but just gone, and 
bas lefl positive orders, that you should make 
more frequent visits at our house. 

Char. Indeed ! 

Let. Yes, ma'am ; for she has forbid my 
master ever visiting at yours, and I know it 
vriU be impossible for you to live without seeing 
hi fn. 

Char. I assure you ! Do you think me so fond, 

Let. Do I ! I know you are : you love nothing 
else, think of nothing else all day ; and, if you 
will confess the truth, I dare lay a wager, that 
yen dream of nothing else all nighL 

Clar. Then to alww you, madam, how welt 
you know roe, the deuce take me if you arc not 
u ther^! 

1st. Ah! madam, to a woman practised in 
lova, like me, there is no occasion for confession. 
For my part, I don't want words to assure mc of 
what the eyes t^Jj me. Oh ! if the lovers would 
but console the eyes of tbeir mistresses, wc should 
not have such o^iuDg, lai^uisfaing, and despairing, 
a« w« have. 


Would lovers ever doubt tbeir ears, 

(On Delia's vows relying) 
The youth would often quit his fears, 
And t-hange to smiles his Nghii^. 
Your tongue may dieat, 
And with deceit 
Your softer wishes cover; 
But, Oh ! your eyes 
Know no di«gilise. 
Nor ever dieat your lover. 

What need he trust your words precise. 

Your soft desires denying; 
When, Oh \ he reads within your eyes 
Your tender heart complymg. 
Your tongue may cheat, 
And with deceit 
Your softer wishes cover ; 
But, Oh ! vour eyes 
Know no di^uise, 
Nor ever cheat your lover. 

Enter Valektine. 

Val. My dearest Charlotte ! this is meetia| 
my wishes indeed ! for I was comii^ to wait oo 

Let. It's verylucky that you do meet her here! 
for her house is forbidden ground — you have sees 
your last of that, Mrs Highman sweara. 

Val. Ha ! not go where my dear Cbariotte bt 
What danger could deter me f 

Char. Nay, the danger is to be nune — I am to 
be turned out of doors, if ever you are seen ii 
them again. 

Val. The apprehensions of your danger moaU, 
indeed, put it to the severest proof: but why 
will my dearest Charlotte continue in the houw 
of one who threatens to turn her out of it ? Why 
will she not know another home ; one where slw 
would find a protector from every kind of dan- 

Cfiar. How can you pretend to lore me, W 
Icntine, and ask me that in our present desperate 
circumstances ? 

Let. Nay, nay, don't accuse him wrongfully: 
I won't, iiifteed, insist tiiat he gives you any great 
instance of his prudence by it ; bat, I'll swear it 
is a very strong one of his love, and such an in- 
stance, as, when a man has oiwe shewn, no wo- 
man of any honesty, or honour, or gratitude, can 
refuse him any longer. Fur iny part, if 1 bad 
ever found a lover who had not wif^ed, maroe- 
nary views upon my fortune, I should have bhi^ 
ried him, whatever he had been. 

Char. Thy fortune ! 

Let. My fortune !— Yes, madam, my forkiaa. 
I was worth fifty-six pounds before I put iuta 





the Intten ; what it will be now 1 ciin't tell ; hut 
you know soiacbodj tnuit get rite grcnt prize, nnd 
why Qot 1 ? 

FW. Oh, ChftriotU ! would vou (kmI tli« same 
»eiiiiiocsn with me! for. bv llVavennI t *ppr»- 
bt-od DO duif^r but tlmt of fofiiig yoti ; ami, bv 
licre oie, love will sutBcieutly rcwanl ua fur all 
the hazardt wc run on bis account. 

Ltt. iliflt, hirt I f;et you both about your bu- 
siocta; OlttcaBtifi i» jnH turned tlic aimer, and 
if be BboaUl lee joa incether, you are undone. 

iRmtnt VjkLZXTiKEdJuf CuAiti-OTTc] Now will 
banirr tin* old ojvcomb xrerelv: for, 1 tluiik 
i( u a oimi Jmperbneot thim; in tiwae old fellows 
to interpose in young people's sporL 

£«/cr Oldcastll. 

OUL Hem, hem ! I prufcH it is a very aeTere 
etKcrly wind, and if it wu not to Ke a tweet- 
heart, 1 belKve I aliould tcarco Iwive itirrcd 
abroad all dav. 

Lef. Mr Oklcattle, your very humble servant. 
Oid. Your very liurabic •errant, maditni : I 
aalt yiwr pardon ; but 1 prolau I have not the ho- 
nour of luwiwiag yun. 

Xrf. Men itf ytiur 6cure, sir, are knnwn by 
OMn) than they are tbrtnaelres able tii r<-Hicn^ 
bcr; I mm a poor liandinnid of a youiig liidy of 
yovr acaaaiolance, Mi9» Chnrlotie Uitiliman. 

Oid. i)h I your very humble servant, madam. 
1 bope your lady » well ? 

Let. Uum ! so, au : »he sent me, sir, of a 
naU n>eMa|;e to you. 
Oid. I atu the huppieitf man in the world ! 
Ltt. To desire a particular favtiur of ynu. 
CMdL &ha boauurit ote with tier c*>nimaii<t«. 
Ltt. She bcKL if yen havr the It-asf aflTection 
fur her, rhat «he mnv nevrr see your face again. 
OU. Whiit! wl»t? 

S^et. She la o very well-bred, rivi!, cood-natured 
hdy. and does not care to send x rude me»iuice ; 
tbeiefore, only but» me tell v'mi, site liatc» yuu, 
•Oora* yow. detcsta you marc tliiin any creature 
opon the earth; that, if you arc resolvrd to marry, 
ne vxfuld recommend you to a certain extrlleiit 
dry ourw ; and lastly, shf bids mr tell you, in 
thift onld weather, never to ^ to bed wilhfnit a 
f;oad wmrm liracle-pOMet ; attd liy no nicaiia lie 
aithuot, at lea^t. a pair of flannel waisicoois, 
Md a doable daiinrl ni^lit-cap. 
OU. Hold vour impcrliiicnt, ^aucy tongue ! 
i^l Nay, sir, dnit*t l>c an«;ry with me. I unly 
drTiifr my mcaisage ; and llat, too, in as civd 
aad concMe s muniter U5 jmwblL-. 

Oj^ \..„t i.,l.or<-<s if. a pert young husiy; and 
I thftll tt- 1 (--r of hci-. 

Irfj. 1 v.i il.i; "lis I am your friend, 

■■difwrciii. I'^nx litdu ofaritacles, I 

dH^ dcMMur ■ '- v'Ki to her, yet 

Old. VVhttt art; ilii>«t; •ibsiudcs^ 
j l^rt. WUy, Mr, in, til Uic first place, your 

k putt «ce ; joa are at leaK sevaoty-lire ! 

Old. It is m lie ! I mat jwreral' inooths of 


!>/. [f yna did not, I think wf may ^ei over 
I liiH : inic linlf of Tour fortune makes a very mf* 
(icifiut amcndu for your ape. 

Oiii, We slutll a<il fall out about that. 

/W. Well, iir; then there is, iu the second 
plao?, vourterriblci unKicntccl air; tliin iaof^nd 
ob5t;u:fe with Iter, who is dontinjriy ffmd uf uvery 
Uuni; tliat is 6uc and fup|iish ; and, vet, I think, 
we may net over rbl*, too, by the iillicr half of 
yoyr fortune. — And now, tlwre remains bul ooc, 
t«hidi, if yuu can titid any tiling to '^t-t aside, t 
believe I mav promise you, you shall have Iht; 
uod that is, sir, that horrible fate n( yours, which 
it is impo)«ihle fur any one to see without being 

C'^. Ye impiulent baQ^afte ? HI tell your mi»* 
tress I — I'll luive you turned off! 

Ixt. That wtU be well repnying me, indeed, 
for all the services i have duiw you. 

Oid, Servicer ! 

Jxt. Services ! Ves, sir, services; nnd to let 
you tee I think ynu fit for a husband, I'll have 
vou ravM^lf! — Who can be more proper for * 
husband, than a man of your afjef (or, I think 
ynu could not have live con»cieiKC-, nay, the im- 
pudence, to live above a year, or a year and Itnlf, 
nt nios^t : and a good plcnt ful jointure would 
make amends for one'b enduring you as lonj; as 
I lint, pmvtdcd wc live in ncporato part» of the 
house, and one had a pood liandsomc (^room of 
the rhaml>er to attend one; thatigh, reallv, in my 
upini'Hi, vou'd much belter mnnin Bini^ic, Irotn 
f{>r vour character and constitution. [Extt Lr.T. 

Oiii. fict alone, you damned saucy bac?i*CC • 
I thought thi^ curbed efl<«lerly wind wuuld blow 
(lie DO eood. — I'm resolved i won't sur out ni^aia 
till it cnanges. [£^t'. 

SCENE II.— A room im VA.LESfTiNE's Aovae. 

Enter .}oK\ , mtefingVAi.r.sTtiiz. 

John, ^r, a Kentlcmiui desires to see yotL 
yai Sliew him iui [Brit Joaif. 

Enter Slap. 

Fat. Your most nl>edieiit servant, air ; I hare 
not the honour of knowing you, sir. 

Simp. I believe yuu do nut, Sir ; I ask pardopy 
hni I have a small writ ot^ainst yuu. 

yitt, A writ apiinit me ! 

Sfap. t)uii'L be uiicu^y, sir; it is only fur m 
tritV, sir; ubout 2001. 

t'aL What must I df>, wr ? 

Siup. Oh, fcir ! whatever yon please ! only paj 
the money, or airo >i«il ; which vi^i plenne. 

t'td. I ran du neitliur of tlicni this in»iaiit, and 
I expect cuuipmiy etcry niomeal. I tuppoAc, wr, 
y.m'il take my word till to-morrow mnnuufl 

S/uft. <Jli, yes, sir, willi all my henrt. [f too 
i^ill be so good as to ftep to my house hard hy, 




jou shnll be extreme^ well uMd, und FU take 
t joiir word, 

!'«/. Your house ! *Sdeath ! yoa nucal. 

iHap, N'ay, sir, 'tis in Tftio to bully. 

Vtti* Ntjij diea—Wbo't there? — my servftDts! 

Enter Servauif. 

Here, kick this feUow down stain. 

Slap. Thii iH A resrue, rmneriitker that — a res- 
cue, sir. ni Iiarc my lord cliirf ju%tice'9 war* 
rant. [ISlap uj'orted off' by the ttrxonti. 

Enter Rakiit and Lf.ttice. 

Rak*. YoM j>eroeivc, Mrs Letticu, the strength 
•r my pasuon, by my rnx{uciit vtsju to yuu. I 
saw Oldcaatle part Iruin vou jiut now; prayi 
what bivi he Itccn ctitcrtainjng you with? 

I^fet, With his pauiion for your yciunt; mistress, 
or mther her ponion for him. I bave been bftn- 
tcriitg him litl lie is in such a rairc lluu I actually 
doubt wbetlier be will not bcut her ur uu. 

Rake. Will you never leave off your frolics, 
siiKe wt: mu»l pay fur iticiu i You have put liini 
cut of buraour ; now will he go and put my Indy 
out of humour; and, then, we may be all beaten 
for augbt I know. 

Let. Well, lirrah ! and do ynn think 1 had 
ftOI rmther twii^ty Mirb as you lihnuld Iw IviitPii 
to death, ihau my mubtcr should be robbed uf 
his mi«treM ? 

Hake. Your humble aervant, madam ; jou 
oeetl a<>t take nay prcnt pnins to convince me of 
your fondneu tor your master. I belic%'e he has 
more miitrcsMn> than what are in our hnuw ; but, 
kang il, I am too nulttt tn be ji-nlituB ; and if (le 
ku dooe me the luvour with you, why, perhaps. 
] may return it one dny with some body viae, 1 
aiu not the lirst geiitleninii of the purt v-culuured 
rti^itucut, who hua been CMza with hi^ oiasier. 

Ixl. Why, indeed, ninster* and their im-n arc 
often, bntb in dress and betmvimir, m rrrv liki', 
that a vrnnian may be innuucutlf fal^e, and ini.^- 
lake tite one for the nthor. Nay, I dou't kiiuu 
nhetlier vich u rliange as you mentioa may nut 
be iametimet fur tbo belter. 

Rake. But, my dear Ijjttice, X do nut approve 
of tbi3 match iu our family. 

Let. yvhy so i 

Rake, Why, you know how ileapcrate Valcn- 
tioe'a circumstances are^ and abe luu so for- 

J.rt. She hath, tndeetl, no fortune of her own; 
but her uuBt tlighmau is vcnr rieb. And thmm, 
you know, we've hopes eoow*! There is hopes of 
my young roaster's KrowiojE better, for I niu sure 
tbcie b no possitutity of his growing worse ; 
hope^ of my old roaster's stayioH abrtwl ; hopn 
of his lieinic dronned, if he attempts coimng 
home ; lw>pc« of the stars falling 

Rake. Dear Mrs Lettiee, do not jest with sudi 
schous tiling lu buni^r and tbimt. Do yon real- 
ly lliiuk that nil your master's entertainments arc 
at nn end ? 

l^t. So far from it, that lie is this day to fpre 
a f(raud cuieitaiumcnt to your mistress, and 
about n dozen more g;eutlemen and tadies. 

Rake. My chops begin to water, I find Toar 
muster is a very honest fellow ; and, it is puSMhIc, 
may hold out two or three weeks longer. 

het. You arc miMalen, Mr ; there will be ao 
dan(:cr of bit t ivin^ any more entcrtninments; for 
there is a certain gentleman, c»l)ed an upbol- 
uercr, who, ihc motiiciit tliat ilic mmpaay ii 
gone, is to make his entrance into the house^ 
furry every tliinie out on't. 

Rak. A verj po«>d way, faith, of fumishi: _ 
houbc to receive a wife in I your master has wt 
me a very y<H>d pattern against you amJ I sna^ 
ryififh Mrs Lettice. 

Let. Snuce-box ! Do you thiak Til have youP 

Rake. Unless I cnn provide betUr for mnelf. 

Let. Well, that I am fond of thee, I am ctr- 
tain; and what I am food of, I cao^ imagine, 
unless it be tliy invincible impudence. 

Hake. Why, fMtl^ 1 lliink I have tbc tnpK 
deoce of a genilcmnn, and there is notfauigbeCBa' 
to succeed with tiic liulics. 

Let. Yes yt^ nod be hanged to you ! Ym 
know the pi>wer you bti%c over us too well; aad, 
though we arc thoroughly aiiiuninted with tdot 
|'ul9elitH>d, yei we are^ nine lu teu of us, foob 
enough to be caught. 

ay IS 


ACT n. 

SCENX L — A iqtiarrf with Vatcmst's houte. 

Eater GoODAi.l. and scrnint^n-ith a partiuanttau. 
Lcnit E riHirrt out W'fAr fioaie. 

Good. Tuts curwd Mtifce'Cuarh from Ports- 
mouth bnth fati):tied mc more ihun my vu\uKr 
from the Ca|H.- ut* (riKHl ll<i^r; buU llr.iMii be 
praised. I am uuce more iinivrd Mitliin M^lit uf 
my own iliMirs. I oinnot help tbinkiuc how 
plciucd my wm nill be iu k.c nte returned a full 
yaw aouitcr than my intcution. 

Let, He would be muck more pleased to hear 
you were ftt liiL- Cape of (ioud Hope yet. 


Good. I hope I shall find my poor boy at 
boiiie- 1 ibirc nwear he will die with joy to m • 

Let, I believe he is hulf drad already; bat^ 
now for you, my po«jd master. — [jlnde,}— I 
nx ! Wliiit do I see i An appuitiua ! 

Cond. Lcltirc! _ 

Let. Is it my dc&r master, Goedall, rcttnntd^ 





or is it the devil in his shape> Is it yoa^ sir ? Is 
it poiativcl? jwt vourbcir? 

Goed. Ewea w. How do you do, Lctdce? 

Let. Ifocb tX yoar honour's service. I nm 
beartiJji gUd — it really luukes m« cry — to tee 
your booovr id such good health. Why. ihe air 
of the Indies hath agreed vouly with you. tr>- 
^ced, lir, yoa ought to have staid a lit'tic longer 
there, for the %akc of your health— I would to 
the IJard tou had ! [Atide. 

Gcod. Well; bat how does my son dor And 
how hath he U^tared liiinaell' in my absence? 1 
faope he hath takuD great care ut' my uffiiin ? 

Jjit. I'll an«iser for him; he lutb put your af- 
fain into a coudiiion that wiil surprise you. 

Good. 1 narnuit you, he is every day in the 
Allejr. Stocks have guM juit as I ium|>;iiied ; 
and if be foll^^vcd my advice, be must have 
ataaatcd a vast vim of root>ey. 

Lit. Nut a farUiius, ur. 

Good. Ilotr, hQw> bow ! 

IM. Sir, he bath paid it out as fast as it came 


Good. How! 

Ltt, Put ii out, I mean, sir, to interest, t^) it»« 
tcrcsL Sir, why, our hotisc hutli been n ntrrcci 
fair ever since yuu went; people coiuing fur uio- 
•ey erw7 l»>ur of ilie <tav. 

Gwod. TUatS very well duuc; aiwl I lout; to 
fee my dear boy. — \To LEmct.] — Knock at the 

Let. lie is not at ttomr, <tir ; and if you havty 
mxh a Aieax^ lo see him — — 


F L 



Ste. Your servant. Mrs Lettice. 

Lit, Your BcrraDtf Mr Security. Uere*a a 
ngam of a uanrer, who hatli found a proper time 
to msk for his ntonev in ! [Aside 

Her, Do von know. Mm Lettice, thnt I nin 
weary of foilowion your uuiater, day aftur Jay, 
in this mamier. witlmut rinding hiin ; and timt if 
be doM not pny idc tiMhiy, 1 bliull sue out un 
caecutiou directly. A thousand pounds are a 

Good. What, what? what's this I henr? 

Let. m eiploio it to you by and hy, sir f 

Good. Does my »ua owe you a thousand 

Set- Your wn, sir ! 

Good. Yes. fir : this young woman's master, 
mtu U*tt at that bouse ; Mr Valentine Uoudall 
it my Bon. 

Sec. \es tu, be does ; and I am Tcry ^iad you 
arc relumed lo pay it mc. 

Good. There go two words, though, to that 

i^t. I believe* sir. you will do it with a great 
deal of ^oy, when you know that his owirtg this 
■encj, t> purely an effect of his fftod conduct. 

Good. Good conduct ! Owing money good con- 
diKt E 

r«/. Yes, Bf ; he hath bought a house at the 
price of tvra thou*iand p«mud», which every unc 
says is worth more than four; and this he oiuld 
not hax'c done without burnnving this thuuitfiiid 
piiund. I am sure, sir, I, and he, and Trusty, 
ran all over the town to gci tlie luortey, thnt lie 
mi^ht not lose so good a bargain. He'll pnv the 
money fast enough, now. | A$ide. 

Guitd. I am overjuycd at my sou's behaviour. 
Sir^ yuu need give yuurbelf no pain abjut the 
UMint'y : ri'turn to-morrow morning, and yuu 
shall receive it. 

Sec. Sir, your won] is sufhcient for a much 
greater sum; tind I ant your tcry humble >er- 
vaut. [£xii Sec. 

Good. Well, but tell me a littJc — io wliat port 
uf the town hath my son biHi{;lit thiii house? 

Let. Ill what pan of the tuwii ? 

Good. Yes; tocre arc, you know, some quar- 
ters better than oth er s - as, fur example, thia 

J^t. Well, rckI it is in this that it standi. 

Good. What, ootdu: |;rcat house, yonder, it 

Lot. No, no, no. Do you see that house yon- 
der — where Ua: wiadow* oeem lo lave been jusc 
cleaned i 

Good. Yes. 

Lei. It is not that — and, a little beyond, yoa 
^ce aiintlter very large house, higher tliaii 'anjr 
other in die square? 

Good. I do. 

Lei. But it is not that. Take particular no- 
tice of the Itouse oppoisjbe to it ; a rcry haiidsoma 
hoii«c, is it not? 

Good. Yes; indeed it is. 

Lei. That b pot the house. But you may sett 
one with |;rcat gates before it, almost opposite 
tu another that fronts a street; ut the end of 
v>hicli iiaudi the house wtucb your sun bath 

Good. There is no good houi>e in that strcetf 
as 1 remember, bur Mrs UiKhnuui's. 

Let. That's the very houM. 

Good. That is a very good bai^o, indeed ; 
hut how corner a woman iu her circumstance* to 
sell her house? 

Let. It in impowfale, sir, to account for peo- 
ple's actinas ; besidea, poor dear, she it tntt of 
her aeiwca. 

Good. Out of Iter senses * 

Let. Yes, sir ; her family hath taken out a 
ciHumi^nn of lunncy B;;ainM. Iicr ; and her son, 
who is a uiost Hbaiiduned prodigal, )uu sold all 
she had fur half its vntuc. 

Good. Son ! why «hc was not married wbcn I 
went away; she could not have a M>n. 

Let, O yes she could, wr — She's not nmrried, 
Co bo sure; but to the great »ur|»ris« o( cvciy. 



[FiBtotjia. ' 

■ ooc. nnrl to UrtfKat scandal of sll our sex, then' 
BpiMiircd all of B sudden » very lusty youiig icl- 
lutv, <>l' tbe af^ of three and twenty, wbiiiu she 
onncHl to liAve been her wnt and that his iRtlicr 
w» a itr«nadier to the dm r^tneat of guardf. 

GtxMi Oh, tnuii*itjttu9 ! 

Let. Ah, air, if evtrv child in thii city knew 
hit owo I'ailier, if childreti were to inherit only 
llift e»talfii of those wtio he^t tlieni, it would 
cau>e n i^reat cotifusion iii inhentHiice» ! 

Gooti. Well, but I >tund here talking too long ; 
knock at the dtwr. 

Ixt. What fthall I tlo? [Atiiie. 

Good. Vou M-ciii in a consternation ; nv acci- 
dent tiuth happened ut my son, I hope. 

iy/. No, Mr, but 

Good. Ilut ! but what? Hath any one robbed 
me in my absence? 

t^l. No, (ur ; mil abwjlutelv robbed vou, tir. 
Whiii sball I Miv? " [JuJe. 

Good. Kiplum ymir*elf : speak. 

Let. Oh, wr ! ' I cntx withhnlrl my lear« no 
loattep' Kntcr ni*l, I beseech you, iir, yoor 
lH>ut>e — Sir, your dear house, that you and 1, and 
my po«ir maMer Iov«d so much, within these aii 

Gooi^ v\ hat of my house within theae mx 

Ixt. llnd) bfrn liauntcd, sir, with the mokt 
ternlile upiianuons that nerc ever heard or be- 
hold ! you'd think the devil himsrtf Iwd taken 
pDweMidn uf It : nay, t believe Ik- tiuth i^m) : all 
the wiltl nniM's in the utuversc, the squeaking ul 
pii;>i, (he eriiiiliiii^or kiii\es <l)i' ^vhetliit}: of •>>» s, 
Um.- wlit-ttling of w'indis the ronruiu uf mmis. the 
hootini{ of owls, the howliite ot wolvt-4. the hrav- 
in); of anes, itie M|UHllin]4 nf eliildren, itcid ihi- 
•t-nldili|; of wives, all put tofEcther, ninke nut so 
ludcoufta concert. 'V\»s I niywlf have tieanil ; 
nnv, and t hiive wen 9uch fn(;lit» ! one w iih nbuut 
t«riuy hcad^ and ii hundred L-yci, und tuuutlu, 
atKl Dutes in each. 

Good. Heyday! tlie wench is mad! Stand 
from before iJie door ! I'll »cc whether the devil 
C&n keep me out from my own house. Haunted, 
indeed f 

Let. Sir, I have a fricndithip for you, and ^rou 
■hall ttot Ko in. 

Good. Mow? not j^o into luv own hini^P 

Let. No, ur, not till the lirvil Ik driven ont 
on't; there are twit priests at work upon him 
now. Hark, I think the devils are dancing a Fan- 
doneo. Nay, sir, you may listen yourself, aiid 
get in too, if tou can. 

Good. Ha : by all (hat's gracious, I hear n 
Doise! [Lautt^tMg wifAin.] What monstrous 
•quailing is thai? 

hit. Why, sir. I am ffurphsed you ^outd think 
I would impose upon you : had you known the 
temHn we nndcrwenl for a whole fortniichL, espe- 
cially po'ir r, nr, who lay every niRhi frightened 
irith tbc ugbt of the most moiislruui lar)£c ihiuga \ 

id if any 

there I lay as quiet as a Iamb, fcarinK crmij nu- 
uutc what they would do to me- ■ ■ - 

Good. Can all lliii lie true, or are vou impos- 
ing on me f I luve indeed heard of such things 
v» apparitions, on ju»c eauae*, and believe in 
theni; but why they should haunt my houw, £ 
cun't imaitine. 

Lit, Why, air, they tell me, before you bou^it 
tlie hou^T there was a pt-dlur killed io it. 

Good. A pedlar ! I Riu»t inquire into al) these 
tilings. But, to the mean time, I must wod thi» 
portmanteau to my son** new lioune. 

/x-i. No, sir, tliat's a little improper Repre- 

Good. What, is that house haunted ? Hath the 
devil taken possession of that house, loo^ 

Ijft. So, sir : but Madam Highman bath not 
yet quitted possession of it. 1 told you before, 
i^ir, llmt <ilte WB4 out of her wnsea; and if any 
one does but nientiuii tlic sate of her hnitw to' 
it ihmws her into the most violent cmovuIi 
GttwI. Well, well ; I shall know hunr 
mour her mildness. 

Lft. I wiih, sir, for a day or Isri _ 

Oiiod, Yon thruw tnc out of all manner of pa- 
tience. 1 am rcMilved 1 will |p ihithcr ihu itH 

Let. Here she !•< henetf ; but pray raoaaoiber 
the Condition alie is in, and don't du any tiling I* 
chagrin ber. 

Enter Mas Higbhax. 

Mn High. Wlmt do I see ! Mr OoodaU n- 

(urneil * 

Let. Ves inndam. it is him ; but, alas ! he's 
iwit hiiii^tr — he's •'li'ilrnrttd ; his losses lu tit 
voyage luivc inmed hiii hmin, and he is beoot 
a riownrii-hr luimtiL-. 

Mn ili^k. 1 am heanily concerned for Us 
miifurtujie. HiKir gentleman I 

Let. If he should speak to you by chance, bare 
uo rct;ard to whnt he snvs; we ore eoiuf; to sbul 
him Up in a tmidh"ii»c t^ith nil eipedititui. 

Mrt High. [A.Mde.] He hath a strange waa- 
derin); in his ountenance. 

finttd. [Aiide..] How miaerably 4he n altCfcd! 
She Imth a terrible look wiili her cvm. 

Ulrs High. Mr OoiMlall, your very baiobtB 
servant. 1 am i;lad to mx ynu returned^ though 
1 am 9'>rry for your misfortune. 

Goiid. 1 must ha^e p«tttnce, and tmst in Ho- 
i-en, and in the power of titc prie^ta, who are omt 
codeavoiirinK to lay thc^e wicked spirits, witk 
which my hF>u!te h hnunted ; hut ^ve me )«*• 
to ask you the caiiHt «f your phrenxy ; for 1 
much question wtiether tliis commission of iuna^ 
that has been takcu out against you, beoolwkfr- 
oul ^uthcicnt proof. 

Mr% High. A C4)iouiis6ioD of lunacy agaioll 
me ! me ! 

Good. Lottice, [ see she is worw tluui 1 no* 





Xd^. Sie M rer^ bnrl sow indeed. 

Mrv Ui^A. Howt:f rr, il'jr'iu ore not mar* niis- 
chiwoo* ihjii ;uu Hi |jre»mt mxui, I itiiuL. it t» 
wr<j«i9 ill iIkoi Id citnf'iuc vou in • madhuusp. 

0»ad. Coofinc roc ! hn. lu. ha ! 'llii^ j^ turn- 
iuc t>» bii'Uk ttpoa mc in<ii-ril ! But, Mm liiefi- 
niiK I mtuiil fiM (Mtta vnu bc^ uiica»y tfaM your 
faoow i& »ld ; u lea&t, it b better fur yuu that 
■Ijr wn tuuh biii^ht it thou wuilber; tor j*m 
aMll b«Rwft apartment laii tuU, in the tamt 
naniirr as ir' it was still your owdi and you witc 
in T'«ir ft«:u*P9. 

jtfri iii^A. Whatman this? As if 1 was «tilj 
ianky wtM» ! lee mm tail v<>ii, Mr G\iodalL you 
ava a fom, Ajifnciad wratch, nnH tuskt to bave 
aa afrriBana ia a dark rmHii. anJ clcait »lraw. 

Mai. Stnue timi cwiic tu thuL, ifuidani, I shall 
■Dt Ivl yna tniuttiT (tiM)r«; iukI I jive yuu unurt- 
ioc tu lake Mrt.»y tmnr tlittw fur I f^hnll liJl all 
IM riHJUia will) ffjmh witiuii ibcw fvw tluv>. 

Entrr ^tkt, Contttihfe, nnJ Atnsfnrtlt. 

Sfa^ TliBf* lilt duiir, Mr (.'•>[isml>le. 
i/t. What'nu ^* ilfjni" n'lw, I wonder? 
Can. Oucn rbc iluor, in the king'* nntnr, or I 
tfcal) lirvuk it opeo. 

Gfod. W Ihi arc voa, sir. io tlie devil's name ? 
aod what do vuu waat in thnt house f 

Slap. %r, I Ua^e a pnsoncr there, antl I have 
m? lunl chiL-r jii-inctS warrant acainst him. 

Good. Fur ftliat suin, Mr? Are you a justice 
'*'" r peace? 

I am one of bis nmjcsty'4 oAicers, sir; 
^ i ! Arrested one Xlr V ulentine GoikI- 
all. in this h.msc» for two hmiHrtd 

ivu , nil M.-rvaiia have rcsciictl luiu, and I 
loilee'* warrant tor the nseae. 
What do I hear* But hai-k'c, friend, 
that houae timt ymi an* ^niui; i') brciik opL'u, t» 
haaated: and there is ni one in it but a couple 
of pricstai wlw are layiiiK the dcvit. 

Slap. I warrant yoti 1 lay the deiil bellcr than 
«U die prieft* in Eunipe. Come-, Mr Coostalile, 
Ao your ofllce, 1 bnvp nn time to lose, sir; I have 
■eteral ottier writs t<t execute befortf ni^ht. 

htt. I have ilel'ctidcd my |>a<a a» luin* ii» 1 i:aii, 
ind xtom I tfatnb it is no cowardice to steal off. 

Kmtrr Coto»ti. Bi rrr, and Lo&o Ptf p. 
t'lii What, III the doil'^ name, is the meaning 
of tins riot ' Whiil is the rt'iisau, H-i)ijn(irel», tlint 
rw dara dt«turh gcntlrtticn, who arc gMtiiig at 
ir^mk Rc Innlf f 
Skn StT, *»r ha*P anthnrity fi>r whnt we Hn. 
frt/. Damn yuui- authority, sir! ii" yon d<in't 
l^about your business, I »hnll shcvi you my au- 
ftonty, and »fnd vou n!l to the Hf^-i'. 

Sti^ $ir, I de«irc ymi wituld tire uft leave ta 
•frtbr hniite, titid w-i/e our priwMier. 
C<i'. Nf>t I, upon my honour, sir. 
9imf. If fou uppoMi us lUiv ioTigtr. I shall nro- 


CoL If you love force, I'll sliew yon the way, 
you iln£s ! [('oLONEi. tlnvfi t.hem tiff. 

Oowi. 1 fiad I am <u>tnu;Cvd; I nm '•inrk ni- 
villi! nind. ] am unduiw, roiocit, chcnttrd. intp«»- 
wd ott \ bat, pJauc lleaveii, I'll go sec «bui*b iu 
luy hnu^e. 

CV>/. UoM, sir, yoo tutiM not enter liera ! 

ii9uH. Not enter inirj my onn ituuM, sir ! 

VitL \o, lur, if it be yours you uuM not eaaa 
wiiliMi it. 

iiiKxi. Gentlrniea, I otUy beg Iu vfcvie. witli 
tiie luiLsier of the house. 

Vol. Sir, the master of the house tIeaireB to 
sptriik witii no sndi fellows as you nre ; you itre 
lint lit cuiupauy for uny oi the t^ttletnea ia this 

Good. Sir, the matter of tliis bouse » voy win. 

Voi. Sir, your most obedient luimhte tenant; 
[ Din iivcrjiiyeil tu kcc- )-oa rctuniL-d. (iiio mm 
leave. Mr, tu iutroduee yuu. to lh» gcutltiitau. 

Good^ Saif yuur aiust ubrihent bumble aei^ 


Cot. Give mc leave to tell you. air, you bava 
th« honnrir of beinii; father m utie uf the Anett 
gMitltiiien of the wpe : a man *n aoromnli^hed, 
so well-bred, and su t:cncfoiis, that 1 tiehcve hu 
never would part with a vue^ while he had a 
shilling in his pctcket, nor, indeed, while be could 
borrow one. 

Good. 1 believe it, indeed, sir; therefore, you 
eau't wander if I am impatient to *»ee him. 

CW. iJe nut in Mich h;L>Tr, dear sir; 1 waot la 
talk with youabiHit yuur lUlairsi 1 hope yuu liave 
liiui ^0(xI success in the Indies^ have chealod iIks 
cuiapaiiy haDdsoinely, and ma^ tax iauneoiM fur- 


Gotid. 1 have ro reason to coniptain. 

Voi. I am shukun*t — fiivc me viMir hand, sir; 
and htt wiit your Min, I dure sneur; mid let toe 
lell yuu, it «iU be very opportune ; he hr^aii Io 
want It. V'>\i can't imnsiiie, sir, whnt a fine Ufe 
he has ltd wnre yuu went Mway — it wcinlH do 
your Iieart ^'(mkI if yoo wits' hut u> know wlini an 
e<fuipoi;e be bus kept; whnt balU and entertain- 
ments Ite has made; be '\% the Dilk of the whole 
town, Mr; h man would work with nlcRsuir fur 
Mich a MMi ; he is ft fc^luw with a soul, damu mc! 
Your Ibrtiice won't be thrown away uuoa biio; 
fur, cet Its niuf-li usyoa plea»e, my lifev be spends 
cverv farthing; .' 

G'<«d. Prav. centleroctt, let nw see this nura- 
cle 411' u sou of mint-. 

i'.iti. Ttutt you sliould. sir, luni* ago ; Iml, rtaU 
ly, Mr, the house is a littJe out of order :it pre* 
sent ; ihrrr \s but one room f'uniiahv<( in tt. and 
thati« HO full of eouipuuv, tJiat 1 »ni afraid titeva 
woidd bo n siiinll dcifcicncy of chiiii^. Yoa 
can't imnfiiae, sir, li'}w .>pportuttc yon are ctimc; 
i)ierf> wan not uny one tiling; left Iu llie Imhisc to 
rnist- niiy money upon. 

Good. Wttat, all my pirtiirr^ i^one? 

Co/. Ho sold (hem tir^t, »ir; la: wax obliged 

■ to 3(11 ibcm for the deliatcyof his tni»te: be 
PocrtsiDly i% ilu) tno(le<iteftt toung fellnw ia the 
'world, and lin» cuniptoiiieJ to me a hundivd 

times, drunk and sober 

GoimI. Drunk, «r ! what, docs my stw gel 

Col. Oh, yes, nr; repuUrly, twice n day. He 
hm cninplniii«d of (he indnreat liberlv painCm 
tale id t?iipoMii^ the brcasu and Limbs of wo- 
men ; you had. indeed, 5ir, a very scandnlnos col- 
lection, Hnd he iras never easy nhilu tJicy were 
in the house. 

Knter VAtrsrixE. 

VaL Mv fatlirr returned ! uh, let nic tlirovr 
rayselfutliU feci! and believe idc, sir, I am at 
once uve^uyeil, and ashamed, lu wc your face. 

Co/. 1 told you, tir, he wati one ot' tlic oiodest- 
est voung fellows in Knicland. 

Oood. You may rery well be ashamed ; but 
eomi', let aif. 6e« the inMde of my Iuhju ; let me 
»cc tliat both &idt'3 nf my walU arc standing. 

Fa/, Sir, 1 have n great deal of company with- 
in, uf the Hr^L fasliion, and beg you would ool 
•ipoM mc before them. 

GvotL Oh, sir ! I am their rery hiimbln srr- 
vant; I am infinitely ohlii^ to ail the penons 
of fnAhion, that they will 50 ^cncrou^y con- 
descend to cat a poor citizen out of hoiiie and 

Cut Hark'c, \'^i sliall we tosa tliis old fel- 
low in a blanket? 

VaL Sir, I trust in your good nHturc wmI for- 
pTe nn ets; and will wait un you in. 

ChaL Ob, thut crer 1 »bouid live 10 sec this 
dl^l [Ertunt. 

SCENE ll^-A dinmg room. 

Lord Titf, and uvtral gentlemen and ladies 
diiiovercd at laUc 

Ruler Gouoall and Valcntisc 

Val. GcntlciiKp, my father Itciii^EJust arrived 
froio the Indies, dc^rca to make one of this guod 

Good. hl\ good lords, (that I may a0ront none 
by cnlliii^ Kim bencaih bis title) I am highly 
•MMihle uf the gTfat honour you dif my!-clf and 
my MO, by liilin^ my poor houM! with your noble 
persons, and your noble periona with my poor 
wine and pnivisiomk. 

Jutrii Puff. Sir ! Rnt mc I 1 would hare you 
kmiw, I dunk I Hi» ynii t<vi murh honour in rn- 
li'rins into >oin- d4Mir«. Hut [ mn Kind )oii luive 
rimglit mc^ut wluit diiuuitx to keep kuch inedta- 


nics for the future. Come, ecntlcracn, let iis to 
die opera. I we if a man tuiih m>c ^ood bl'wd 
in hi^ veins riches won't icacb hiiu tu behave 
liks a gentleman. 

fEril Ixian Prr>. 
• Good. *Sbodlikin!t ! I am in a m^c! That ever 
a fellow should upbraid me with eond blcx>d in 
hib vc)n<i, whrn, od^heart ! the best blood in hi* 
v^ns both run through my bottles. Cotnc, sir* 
follow your cumpaniuns; for 1 am dctcrmiosd 
to turn you out directly. 

JSnCcr Crablotte. 

CAar. Then, sir,! a<ndcteniiinedto^ with 

Be comforted, Vulcntnic ; I have some fortune 

which mv aunt cannot preveol me from, and it 

will ntake us happy, for n nliile al least; and I 

ftrefer a year, a nitnitlt, a day, with the luao t 
Dvc, to a whole stupid ngc without him. 

[Wf Vai.cntime and {.'u Aft UiTTS. are go- 
ing, tkry are met by Mus Utouuiv 
and LcTTiCE. 
Mrs High. NVhnt do I see ! my niece in the 
very arms uf her betrayer ! 

Let. I huiubly a«k pnrdon of you both — bet 
my master wab so heartily in love with your 
niece, and she so lirarlily m love with uiy mai- 
ler, that I wait detennincd to leave no stone ub 
turned to brintf tlu-m to£;ether. 

Good. F.h ! K^ad, I like her (rcnerous 
for my bun so much, tlint if yon, madam, 
eive her a furtuoc equal to what 1 ^liall settle on 
liini, I shall nut ptL-vcut their happino^. 

Mrs High. W im't you ? Then I shall do all 
in ttiy power to moke it a mutch. 

JjTt. And io, »ir, you take 00 notice of poor 
Letiicef but, statesman like, your own turn »e^ 
vcd, forget your frienda? 


Ijct. That stntCMitcn oft* their friends for^ 

Thrir ends obtained, is clears sir; 

&u, Tm foTEOt, ytiur place Fll quit, 

.And seek a service here, kir. 

ri! prove my love in every sense, 

\\v. dutiful, olncrvRnl, 
So drop in here a few nights hence, 

Aiid hire vour bumble serrtuiL 

Shf'll prove brr love in crery hnm». 

Be dutiful, ohservant. 
So dmp in here a few niehti bcBOC^ 

And hire yuur liumblc si'rvant. 
[ Kxeunt i 

line UB> 
m, v^^ 







GkegAkt, the M<ick Doctor. 

SiK jAwrtm,fatker to CbaKlotte. 

Lux DEE, attached to Charlotte. 

j^jjj. ' 5 Servant$ to SiE Jasfek^ 


Docraii Hellebore. 

Charlotte, attMhed to Leardes. 
Dorcas, wife to Grbcort. 

Scent-^the Country. 

ACT i. 

SCENE J.—A wood. 

Dorcas, Gregory. 

Gre. I TELt. you, No, I won't caniplT; and it 
* »j biuuieM to talk, and to command. 

por. And I tell you. You shall conform to niv 
^ ; an^ that I was not married to you, to su^- 
'cryoar ilMmroours. 

vrt. O tbe intolerable fatigue of matrimony ! 
AnitoUc nerer said a better thing in his life, 
tWi vhra be toid us, * That a wife was worse 

Oor. Hear the learned gentleman with hi» 
Greg. And a teamed man I am, too : find me 

*Mtaiiaker of faggots that's able, like myself, to 

I^Mn upon things, or that can boast such an 

"wwion as mine. 
^. Aq education I 

Gre. Ay, hussy, a regular educadon : fint at 
the duirity-school, where I learnt to read ; then 
I waited on a gentleman at Oxford, where I 
teamt — rtty near as much as my master*; front 
whence I attended a travelling phyucian six years, 
under the facetious denomination of a Merry 
Andrew, where 1 learnt physic. 

Dor. O that thou had'st followed him still 1 
Cursed t^ the hour, wherein I answered the par- 
son, I will. 

Gre. And cursed be the parson that asked thee 
the question ! 

Dor. You have reason to complain of bim in- 
Heed — who oi^ht to be on your knees every mo- 
ment, returning thanks to Heaven, for that greac 
blessing it sent you, when it sent you myself. — I 
nope you have not the assurance to think you 
He»erv'd such a wife as me ? 

Grt. No, really, 1 don't think I do. 





Dorcas nngi. 

When a Iftdy, like me, condescends to agree. 

To let such n jncknnapcs taste her. 
With what zcul and care, slmu'd he worship the 
Who gives him what's meat for his master i 
His actions should still 
Attend on her will : — 
Hear, sirrah, and take it for warning ; 
Tu her he should be 
Each night on his knee. 
And so be should be on each morning. 

Gre. Meat for my master ! you were meat 
for YOur master, if I an't mistaken. Come, come, 
Madam, it was a lucky day for you, when you 
found me out 

Dor. Lucky, indeed ! a fellow, who eats ei'ery 
thiii^ I have ! 

Gre. That happens to be a mistake, for I drink 
some part on'L 

Dor. That has not even left me a bed to lie 
on ! 

Gre. Youll rise the earlier. 

Dor. And who, from momii^ till nigbt, is 
eternally in on alehouse ! 

Gre. It's genteel ; .the squire docs the same. 

Dor Pray, sir, what are you wiltii^ I ^all do 
with my family ? 

Gre. Whatever you please. 

Dor. My four tittle children, iliat arc continu- 
ally crying for bread ? 

Gre. Give *cm a rod ! best core in the world 
for crying children. 

Dor. And do you imagine, sot — 

Gre. iiark ye, my dear, you know my tetter 
is not over and above passive, and that my ann 
is extremely active. 

Dor. I laugh at your threats, poor, beggarly, 
insolent fellow ! 

Gre. Soft object of my wishing eyes, I shall 
play with your pretty ears. 

Dor. Touch me if you dare, you iosoleBC, ia»> 
pudent, dirty, laty, rmcdly 

Gre. Oh,'ho, iio ! you will hsvc it then, I ftid. 

[Beat* her. 

Dur. O mnTder, monler ! 

Enter Squire Robebt. 

Rob. What's the matter bere ? Fy Upon 3^0, 
fy upon you, neighbour, to beat your wire iii lbs 
scandalous maoiier \ 

Dor, Well, sir, and if I have a miod to be 
beat, and what then ? 

Hob. O dear, madam, I g^-e my oonseut widi 
all my heart aud soul. 

7>or. What's that to yon, saucdm i it h any 
busioess of yourk? ■ 

Rob. No, certiiinlv, madam ! 

Dor. Here's an impertinent fellow for you, 
won't suffer a husband to beat his owa wife ! 

AXR^Winchetter Wedding. 

Go thrash your own rib, sir, at home. 

Nor thus interfere with our strife; 
May cuckoldom still be his doom, 

Who strives to part husband and wife ! 
Suppose I've a mind be should drub. 

Whose bones are they, sir, he's to lick.' 
At whose expence is it, ^ou scrub ? 

You are not to find him a stick. 

Rob. Nejnhbour, I ask your pardon heartily; 
here, take and thrash your wife ; beat her as yoa 
ought to do. 

Gre. No, sir, I won't beat her. 

Rob. O sir, that's another thing. 

Gre. I'll beat her when 1 please, and will not 
beat her when I do not please, ^e is my wife, 
and not yours. 

Rob. Certainly. 

Dor. Give me the stick, dear husband. 

Rub. Weil, if ever I nuempt to part husband 
and wife again, may I be beaten myself! 

[Exit Rob. 

Gre. Come, m^ dear, let us be friends. 

Dor. What, alter beating me so ? 

Gre. Twas but in jest 

Dor. I desire you will cradc your Jests sb 
your own bones, not on mine. 

Gre. Pshaw ! you know you and I are nae, 
and I beat one half uf myself when I beat yoo. 

Dor. Yes, but for the future I desire joa will 
beat the other half of yourself. 

Gre. Come, my pretty dear, I ask pardon; 
Vm sorry for't. 

Dor. For once I pardon you — but joa shtU 
pay for it. [AiiJe. 

Gre. Psha ! psha ! child, these are only little 
affairs, necessary in friendship ; four or fin 
good blows witli a cu(^l between your wj 
fond couples, only tend to hei^ten the afto 
tions. I'll now to the wood, and I prunise tfaeelo 
make a hundred faggots before 1 come hnM 
again. [E«t. 

Dor. If I am not revenged on those blotn of 
yours \-~Oh, that I could but think vt sane Me- 
thod to be revenged oa him I Uaus. Cbs wif^ 
he's quite insennble «f cuckoldon ! 

AIR. — 0/1 London is a fate tow*. 

In andent davs, I've heard, m'lA htrns 

The vt'ife her spouse could Aiifhc, 
Which now the hero bravely scorns, 

So common is the si^i^ 
To city, country, camp, or court. 

Or whcresoc'-er be go. 
No horned bn>tbcr dares mate apot; 

They're cuckolds all »-row. 

Oh that I could lind out some iDTCation tt p^ 
him well drabbcd ! 





Enter HiBnT tnd'3A*v^. 

Hmr. Were ever two fooU font on such a me9- 
mi^ u we Hc. in 4)ae»t of • dumb dcctor ! 

/jMln BlaiB* your owo ouri^tl nxtmnry, UtHl 
nuiHe YOU foresee his oame. For m\ }i«ri, I'll 
tnkteltJiRMigli tlw world ratlter thait rctum 
without him ; lliat were as much as a limb or 
two n'crv worth. 

Har Was tter *ucli n runird mMJbrturvc, to 
loar Uie letter ! 1 ^houlil unt even know hn 
uantc it' I nt-rr lo tirnr it. 

Dmr. (ail I liml uu inwQiiod to be reveiigeU ! 
— 'Heyda^F f whu are ihc^ i 

JwMS. Hark ye*ni»UT^ du v<iu \ii\nw nUvrr 
nhcfc wbtre doctor — VMuM'yc-coll-iiun 

Dot. Xinetnrmka} 

Jiamet. Docior^ — — doctor whai's hi& 


Ovr. Ilcjr! wi4iat,ha5thcfeUoi»nnundtobaitter 


iim: U there no physkiau bercuhouts raiuuu» 
for curini! d'unfaiieuf 

/Jktr. J buH-v vny lm,vc no need of Midi a pli v- 
Mcinn, Mr Iiii)ji:rciiK:m:c. 

liar. Duq'i iiiulakc uft, |>'j<k1 wnmnn, vrc dmi't 
-imin to bsDlrr vou : h«! an? n-iil hy uut* inti<^ 
ter, nho^e ihui^imt'r luii lul Ikt »f)rci.h. tor a 
cenmin pliyatciun i>ho lives licreabuiiis: wt- iiavc 
IqK mjt d»n-rtion, aiH) 'us m much aa our ii\Lt> 
are worth to rt-lnrn without hiiti. 

Dvr. Then ii mte I)r JLnjv live* jwl hy, hiu 
he hA? leit oil' pf4cli»ing. \ou wmild itot [^t 
tmn a ntilc to »avc die lives uf h llwubatid 

J*mn, Direct u« but lo htm ; «r*H bring him 
»idi iif on* way or «ther, I warniiit yitii. 

iiar. Ay, uy, well have hnu nilii u», tltouyb 
at carry htm on tmtr hrnkf-. 

Dwr. lla^I Ucavcn Ims iospired tne with onr 
of ifas mokt adinimble iiiTtntmni^ (o bi- n vcn^uit 
« my JaWKdu^ ! — [^iJi/c.] — 1 assure ynu, if ya<] 
'Mtin him wuh you. Ifc'O do your ynmifi lailvV 
buiiic^k r«»r hrr ; be% reikoiieU one of llic 
lax |ibf «cian!» iu tlie world, eit))cuull r for duuib- 
Bar. Prmy toll m where be livet^ 
Iaot. Yaull never he able lo ^ex him out of 
hii ij«o ho«'*e: bm if you wmIcIi lnTCahout*, 
)i>iMc)-< f with bun, f<»r he very al'ten 

mnm I I <■ with cutting wood. 

ttr. A (iJi.'iM' i[>n ciit wood ! 
JitMu. 1 iu[iT>o»e he auioaes himfeelf in search- 
■hcT lirrbft, \<'u mean ? 
tor. No ; lic'> one of the most cxtraordiiiiiry 
in lie world . be ciies drest like n conniion 
1(1. fnr ihrre i* iu)iliiii|! be ta murb dn.'ad» 
\ie ltiu»n fur a phvuiion. 

Ml v'tar ^cat men have some srnmge 
lalmut tUrm. 
^. \Hhj, Iu: will suffer biinaclf to be beat 

before he will own himself to be a phyfidan 
— and ril p^e yoo my word, yon'tl never make 
biu) own hmtiFir one. unless you biith take a 
eP'M\ cud^el ajid itirush him iuto it; 'ti* wtiat 
we are all forced tu ilo wlkcn nc lia\« uay need 

of iiiiii, 

J.ima. What a ridictilou* whim ta here 1 

JJer. Very true ; and in bo (:,rtMt a man. 

James. Aiul n be so very skilful a man ? 

Dor. SkUful — Hhy be does nttracln. About 
half n year n*n, a wo<ii:ui was ^iven over by nil 
her pli\«icinii'i, nnt, blic hail t<et-n dctid some 
itmi' ; «vhcn Ihi^ si'e.-it ninn t-niite \n her. a« siiou 
as he Mi^r her, ()«• poured out a liule drrip of 
wimeibiuc down her lliniat— ^he bnd no soon- 
er diiiii> it, tliAh tlic ^iit iiui of iKTltcil, Riidvs-alk- 
od uboui the n>ooi ah d there bad been nnthing 
ttiB matter with her. 

halh. Ij, prodipuus ! 

Dor. 'in not nboTC ihrec wcelM i^, that n 
chitdof twdivvcnra old Cell fmin iIk top of a 
bouHc to llwt ^Mittotfi, and hmkc its akulL, iK 
arms. oihI leeiw — Our phvsiciun was no ftuoner 
drubbed tn'.xt'j hiin a visit, than, havtne; 
nibhpd the rhitd nil o\cr with a certain oiot- 
itienl, it gut tt^uti its lugs, and run utvuy (4 

Ht>(k. f Mi most wonderfid ! 

itur. Iley ! Oail. Jniiie«, kvell drab kim Out 
of a pni iif ibis uintuient. 

Jnntet. Hot can be curi' duinbnms t 

Dor. nuiubnesi ! Why the <'u rate nf oor pa- 
rish's wife was bnnt dumb; and die rlortor, wiih 
n Wirt nf wash, «*aHbod bet lonsue, that he «-t it »- 
l**>in^ sn, Uut in lecs tbun n moiitbS time bliK out- 
laiked her husband. 

/i(ir. rius must be tlic very man we were sent 

Dor, Yonder is tlie r4*ry man I sptak vL 

Jntntt. What! ihalhe viimler? 

D\ir. The very stimc- -■- -He hat spied us, 
niid taken up bis hill, 

JameL C»m<u Harry, don't let us lose one 
moiueni. — Misircu, vuiir liervant : v^e give you 
(tn tbnuMiiid tlionks f[ir itii^ tnvunr. 

Dar, Be tun you umke ^oud nse of your 

James. Ue <ban*t want that, [Escunt. 

SCENE ll^Anothrr pat-t t^ the wood, 

Creoort ditcavertd littittg an the grxtund, ui'/A 
fc^i"t* about tutu. 
Ore. Pox ou't ! 'lis mofet confounded hot 
wcaibcr! Hey, v^ho have we here? 

l^nter jAurs aad IIailkt. 

Jamri. Sir, your most obedienl bumble kf 


Grr, Sir. your ser\aiil. 

Jumet. Wc are m^jbty ^tappy in finding you 





Gre. Ay, like enou!;h — 

Jamet.. I'is in your power, air, tu do ut a very 
great favour — We come, sir, to implore your as- 
ustancc in a certain aflkir. 

Ore, [f it be in my power to give you any as- 
sistance, mitstcnt, I am very ready to do it. 

Jumes, Sir, you are extremely obliging — But, 
dear sir, let me beg you be covered ; the sun will 
hurt your complexion. 

Har. For Heaven's sake, sir, be covered. 

Gre. I'hese should be footmen by their dress, 
but courtiers by their ceremony. * [Aside. 

James. You must not think it strange, sir, that 
we come thus to seek after you ; men of your 
capacity will be sought after by the whole 

Gre. Truly, gentlemen, thoi^;h I say it, that 
should not say it, 1 have a pretty good hand at 
a faggot 

James. O, dear sir ! 

Gre. You may perhaps buy faggots dieapcr 
otherwise ; but if you find such in all this coun- 
try, you shall have mine for nothing. To make 
but one word then with you, you sluUI have 
mine for ten shillings a hundred. 

James. Don't talk in that manaer, I desire you. 

Gre. I could not sell them a penny cheaper, if 
'twas to mv father. 

James. Gear «r, we know you very well 

don't jest with us in this manner. 

Gre. Faith, master, I am so mudi in earnest, 
that I can't bate one farthing. • 

James. O pray, sir, leave this idle discourse. — 
Can a person uke you amuse yourself in this 
manner ? Can a learned and famous physician 
like you, try to disguise himself to the world, and 
buiy'such fine talents in the woods? 

Grf. The fellow's a fool ! 

James. Let me iutreai you, sir, not to dissemble 
with us. 

Sar. It is in vain, sir ! we know what you 

Gre. Know what you are! what do you know 
of me? 

James. Why, we know you, sir, to be a very 
great physician. 

Gre. Physician in your teeth : I a physician ! 

James. Ine fit is on him Sir, let mo be- 
seech you to conceal yourself no longer, and 
oblige us to — you know wboL 

Gre. Devil take me if I know what, sir! But 
I know this, that I'm no physician. 

James. We must proceed to the usual remedy, 
I find — And so you are no physician f 

Gre. No, 

James, You are no pbyndan ? 

Gre. No, I tell you. 

James. Well, if we must, we mutt [Beat kirn. 

Gre. Oh, oh! gentlemen, eentletnen I what 
arc you doing ? I am — I am— wbuever yon jrfease 
to have me. 

James. Why will you oblige ^ nr, to thb no- 
lencc ? 

Har. Why will jou force us to diis tmgfale- 
some remedy? 

James. I assure you, nr, it pves me « great 
deal of pain. 

Gre. I assure you, sr, and so it doet ne. 
But, pray, gentlemen, what is the reatoo that 
you hare a mind to m4kc a physician of me ? 

James. What ! do you deny your beiif a pb^ 
sician ^ain? 

Gre. And the devil take me if I am ! 

Har. You are no physician ? 

Gre. May I be poxed if I am ! [TVy ^Mf 

him.] Ob, oh ! Dear gentleoMO ! lA ! for 

Heaven's sake ! I am a phyncian, and ao apod»- 
cary too, if youll have me ; I had tsther be ai^ 
thing than be knocked o' the head. 

James. Dear sir, I am reinieed to see yon cooit 
to your senses; I ask pardon ten thousand times 
for what you have forced ns to. 

Gre. Perhaps I am deceived myself, aod I aa 
a physician, withoat knowing it But, dear g*»> 
tieman, are you certain I'm a physician? 

James. Yes, the greatest physician in the world. 

Gre. Indeed! 

Har. A physician that bas cured all sorts of 

Gre. The devil I hare ! 

James. That has made a woman walk idwot 
the room after she was dead six hours. 

Har. That set a child upon its legs^ imme- 
diately after it had bn>ke them. 

James. That made the airate*s wife, who wM 
dumb, talk faster than her husband. 

Har. Look ye, sir, you shall have content; my 
master will give you whatever you will demand. 

Gre. Shall I have whatever I will demaiid? 

James. You may depend upon it 

Gre. [ am a physiaan without doubt — ^I had 
forgot it; but I begin to recollect myself.~*Wd^ 
and what is the distemper I am to cure ? 

James. My young mistress, air, has lost ber 

Gre. The devil take me if I have found it.*-- 
But, come, gentlemen, if I must go with yom I 
muit have a plivsicinn's habit; for a physiciao 
can no more prescribe without a full wig. tiuui 
without a fee. [Eieunt. 



^^K SCEN'E I.— Silt jAsrER's hmttf. 
^P^ Eattr Sir Jasper and Jauls. 

m Sir Jut. Where is he t Where i<i He ? 

Jontrs. Only rccruitiug hioiseif after hii jour- 
ney. You need noi be impnlient, sir; for worr 
mj younf ladjr doul, Iw'd bnng Iwr to hfc ti<:Hiti. 
He OMket DO more of bringing a paticut to lite, 
than other physidaos do ofliMinj; mat. 

&V JoM. 'lis »tnui(;c »o ^rral a man blumld ha^'c 
Ummt unocxountablc oitd tiumuun j'uu uicatjuii- 

Jama. Tis but a good blow or two, aiid be 
comes immediatcljr to liimselt' Here be U. 

t£Nffr Gbegosy. 
JoMfi. Sir, tliii is tJic doctor. 

air Jos. Dear m, jrou're the welcoraest man io 
the world. 

Grt. Uippocntca tayi wo tliould both be co- 

SirJat. Hit! does Hippocnites sa; w? In 
what chapter, pmy ? 

Grr. In his chapter of Uats. 

&r JoA. Sioce HippocrutCb says so, I sliallcbcy 

Grr. Doctor, after bivioK mcccdiiigl; tmTcl* 
led ID tbe bifthnuy of letter* 

Sir Jd. Doctor ! Praj, wbom do ym speak 

Grt, To %ou, doctor. 

&r Joi. lifl. ha !- ■ I am a knight, thank the 
line'* crsre fur ir, hat no doctor. 
C'v- W list, jiKi're wo doctor i 
Str Jtu. No, upon mv word I 
Gr€. You're »o doctor ? 
Sir Jmt. DfKrtnr I no. 

Otf. Tbcic — 'lis done. [Bcah Aim, 

Sir J^M. DonCf ill cbc devil's name! What's 

Grt. ^^llJr, now jrou are mode a doctor of 
|fcpBc ■■! am sure 'its all the decrees I ever 

L&P its. What devil of a fellow have vou 

t told jrou, air, the doctor had strange 

i MHfa liini. 

,'Bir Jm. Whim», quotha! — Ei;ad, I «)mll bind 

■■tdijiacianthip over to hib pK>d iH-haviuur, if 

nt w iDjr more o( ibcwe wluias. 

(/'(. hir. I «alt pardon for ilw liberi; I luivc 

(ivjifl. Ofa! ^rery well, 'tis very well for 

"t 1 am sorry f<»r ibosc blows — 
Ar Jot. Notlnoe at all, nnthine nt all, sir. 
t'r. Which I »»w obiiKtd to have the honour 
* '•yy Ml •» thifk ufMfo you» 
^' JOL Let's talk no more of tlicm, sir 



My riauf;htcr, doctor, a fallen into n very iirnni;e 

Gre. Sir, 1 am m-erjoyed m bear it; and I 
wibit, widi all my bfnrL, you and youi nhulf la* 
luilv had the same iiccaAion for me as vour 
iluii^htcr, to shew tbc great dnore 1 huv e to stnre 

Sir Jai. Sir, I am obliged to you. 

Gte. 1 aMure yuu, btr, I bpcok fmm tlie very 
bottoni of my soul. 

air Jai. 1 dti brIicTc yiiu, ur, from tlie very 
bottom of mijic. 

Gre. What is your dnu|ihler'» name? 

tS'ir Jai. My datitbtL'r'x iiiujif ih I'liarlotte. 

Gre. Arc you iMire she was ctiriktciied Char- 

Sir Jas. No, ur ; she was ctiristcncd Char* 
lotto. t| 

Gre. Hum ! 1 had rather she iliould hare 
been chrisrened Cburluiic. Char|i)He is a very 
i^ood name lur a patient ; rikI, It-t mo tell y<»u, 
tlic uaiue is ofrcii of aa icucb service to the pa- 
tient, as the ptiyMi"ian \% 

Str Jut. Sir, my duugliter is here. 

Bntfr Charlotte and Maid, 

Gre, l^ thai my pnlirnt? Vpim rnv word sh» ' 
carries iiu distemper in lit-r countenance — and I 
faucy n beultby young fellow would sit very well 
iipim hiT. 

Strjui. You make her ftmile, doctor. 

Gre. ^ much the better : 'tis a verv itood sign 
when we cun biin^ n pntjcnt to ^mile ; it is a 
siilii that the distmnper begins to clarifv, at 'AK 
sav. — Well, child, what's tlie matter with you i 
Wliai's vour distemper? 

Vhar, Hun, hi, hoii, hnn. 

Grr.. What flo you say? 

Char. Hnn, hi, hnii, hon. 

Gre. What, wliut, what? 

CAor. Hnn, hi, hon ■ 

Grr. Uiin! titm ! houin I ha ? -I don't un- 
Hcruand n word Wie snv^. Han ! hi I hon ! WItat 
die dfvil cif a liiiii^tinice i.s ihia? 

Sir Ju$. Why, that'^ her diitemper, sir. She's 
hf»v>ine dnndi, and mi mm can n»9>ii:n ilu' mube— ' 
and this dthtciuper, ^ir, hut kept bock her luar^' 

Grr. Kept bock her mnrrtnge ! Why lo? 

SirJa». Because her hn-cr rt-fiiscs to have her, 
tilt sbf'k cuied. 

Ore. ( ) li*d ! W«9 ever such n fool, that wnuUI 

ii'it have hi« wife tliitnh? Wnuld to lieavco 

my wife was dumb, I'd be far from dciiriite to 
cure het I — I )nc3ihi<t distemper, this Han, hi, hun, 
iipjirt-K* hrr very iiiticti? 

StrJu*. Yes. nir. 

Gre. bo much the better. Ilu abc any great 
pains ? 




.Sir J<t%. Vcrr great 

Gre, Thnt's jiibt :u I irniitd hnve it. Give nc 
yniir linnd, cliild. Hum — hti — n verv dumb puUe 

.Str Jai. You linvc mi'i'rtci! Iwr difttompor. 

Grr. Ay, «r, w« urent pti«ic«ii« ktnw a dis- 
Umficr iinroctlialrlv : I kunw uihic nt' tbc cul- 
I |ct(C would call (hu tlkc liurrf, or (Ite coupro, or 
tlic sii>lu.-«, or twcntv tttticr distciiipor:) ; but I 
give Tuu my word, sir, yuor il.uiahlcr i> nolltms 
mnrc thiia ilumb— — So I'll tuivc vnu be very 
ea^y, fur there u natltiii^ eUc ibe tiiutcrr wikli 

her It* ^le were not dumb, »bc would be lu 

\i^\ at 1 am. 

inr Jas._ Bat [ »}iouM be clad ta know, doctor, 
from nbcnt-e b« dmnltoiM pnaceeibf 

Gre. \iiihiiif£ M fwilv KooODtcd fi>r .— — 
1l«r duiuboeu proceeds irom her bat ia|c luit her 

Sir Jau But whctwi?, if rng plcnae, proceeds 
licr bnMtig lti<^i hcT ■spwxii ? 

Gre. All our Ik-sI auilmrs niil tell you, it ia 
ibr impediment uf tlic aciiou of the tongue. 

Sir Jot. But if yoQ pleav, dear lir, your sea- 
iHiieiits iipnn ibat impciii nrnt } 

Grv. Ahitfktle has, upiia thu subject, said very 
fme iliinv^; vcr^ fine rhioest 

Sir Jar. 1 liclioc it, dticlor. 

Ore. Ah ! he was a erent man; he wiw indeed 

' m wy emc man A tuwi, wliu, upon that «uli- 

jeci, w-iii a uinn thai But, ti> return to our 

rciiwiunz : 1 hold, tbttl thi« imftrditiieut of th« 
iictiun •'(' tlif Ci*nLiif is cauvrd by ccriiuo hii- 
iivmrv which our givat phyarians rill — Humours 
— llumourft-^— Abf yiu underMaud Latiit 

Sir Jtu. Not in Ove Icobt. 

(fre. Whnt, not undfT^tand lAlin? 

Sir Ju*. No, indeed, diidor. 

Gre. L'ubricius arci ttiurum cathidiniui, «n- 
indnnter nt»ii. [Ire laosa ; hie, htec, hm^ stml- 
livn hiijus hiiiic, banc niuauL Bimiiu, Uhin, bi>- 
imni. K»tm! nratio Luliitusf Eliaio. Quia suh- 
•tnotivn ct ndjecurani concordat in ceneri niimc- 
mra El niuiK, »ic dicuni, aiiint, prvdicaot, clatni- 
taur, et similibus. 

Sir Jot. Ah ! tthy did I neslect niv studjesf 
linr. Wlitit n pr[>diei<)n\ man i« this ! 

Grf. Hc*idc», sir, ivrlaio «piril>i juissin^B frtwn 
the left >>idr. nhirii i> ibe »cal tit' titc livi>r, to tlie 
right, mhif h is the «■;>( of the hrart, w« find the 
luiitt-i, wliicli MC C>dl It) I^tiii, w)iukcni«, Imvitigc 
rniumuiiiearion (vith the brkin, itb)*.-b we namo 
in (irrek, jncbootngct hy ineiin» of a hiiUow rein, 
nbicb wc fiill in Ucbrew, [icriwijreus nteel io 
ibe rofld with ihr *atd iipiriti, whirh fill the »e«- 
lri«-l.>^ mC iIic <iruotB{>li>MDii*>: ami bccnnsc the 
said buMMHiis hav»^TMti coitipreliriMl me wril, 
sir i nml becnuw th« said biiinoura have a certau) 

iiiiili:;»ily Ir^ti-ti scrioii-ly, ] bcjj you. 

air Ja». I d(i. 

C#re. tbu* a crrtnio moli^ty that ii caused— 
be u[tcuti\r, if von plcusr. 

cula, die|^ 
polio. «^H 

Sir Jul. I nra. 

Grr. That in caused, I say. bv the acrimony 
of the humoun engrndertd iu the conmvity of the 
dinphra^n; theoc? it arnrea, tliat tbes<^ rapnurs, 
Pnipria Ou^e mnribas tnbuuntur, iDftKrula, i" 
ut sunt divoram, Mar^ Bncrhus Apollo 
rum. — I'bis, sir^ is the cause at your T 
beius dumb. 

Jamft. O iImu [ had but his eongoe ! 

Sir Jav. It ii inip<>»ible to raaam better, no 
doubt. But, doar sir, there a one thinn — ! lA- 
nay^ tlioutchb, till now, that tiie heart vraa on tke 
left side, and the Uvre oa ibe nitht. 

Grt. Ay, sir, w tbey were fWvMriy ; Wi *«• 
ba»e changed all lliaL Tbe college at prcscal, 
sir, prooeeda apoa an eutirv itew actbod. 

Sir Jat. I aak yonr pard»B, air. 

Gre. Oh, sir! ilwrr's tui harm you're not 

obliced to know no much a* we du. 

Sir Jat. Very true; but, doi-tur, wbnl ivouid 
ytMi have ilunc wilU nty daufebler? 

Gre. ^Vlmt wuulrl 1 have d<Mie with her f why, 
my adnce is, that you muocdiately pat her lutu 
n bed wannrd witii n braM warming-pan : caaw 
Iter dniik oi»e ^aarc uf tyrintt-waier, tniaed wiih 
one pint of braitdy, six -Seville oranees wmI ibne 
ounres of the be«t double-rehncd ^iiear. 

Sir Jua. Why, t\ui a punch, ductor i 

Ore Punch, Mr! ay, »r; and what's better 

patient in haad ii long tioie — I love 10 do i 
iif%^^ nil nt om-c. 

.Sir Jiu. Doctor, I ask pardon ; yon 

[Gi«M > 

Grr. m rc:tiim in the ereoia)^ and SM wbat 
effect it hn& had on her. Bui liold ; tlwre'ii aoi^ 
tber young Indy, herCf lliM I luus* apply mm 
little remeilit-s to. 

JUfiirA Who, mo? I was utvcr better in oy 
life, [ tliaiik you, m. 

Ort. So nitu-h tlte wfjTM^ tiMHlani: so Kwcfa 
the worse : 'th verv dauiicrouK i* be eerr wdl ; 
for when one is very wpH, one has nolhin;; cb* 
to do hut to take |iliy<iio and lileed avray. 

Sir Ji,\. Oh, strange! VVhai, bleed whc« ow 
has r.o distemper? 

Grr. li inav be •trance, perhafM, but 'tis very 
wholcwirtc. Ite^ides, atadaM, it uiMXyuttreair, 
at |ire«ent, to be verf v-cll : at lcaM» )RM cnna* 
P'lF^dily Ire WL'II above three days laanr; aad it 
IS alwuyx bi4l to curu a tKateanpar brfotv yea 
ijQi'c it— or, as u*c sny in Greek, distempntmbf*- 
luii) est cnrar* ante habe-ftum. UlutC I iWl 
prescribe you, at preMrnt, is, lo takectctysM 
iioitr) one of those bQhi*u>3: 

Mni4. 11a. ha, ha ! \' v ' :or, ihom hA 
e\aetly like lumps of In 

Ore. 'fake one of iIkn; uoiu«h^ I Skf, 4n<T 





«K houre, wmAtii;; it down witli lix sptwafuU of 
l>C5t UulUmra iccitt.-va. 

\r Jtt. Sure ycni lire in je«t, ditctar ! This 
dofv not fthew nny svnipbMti of h dietcni- 


Ore. Sr jAipr, let in# IlM vmh, ii were mil 
oniM iTtou yiiui>cII'' inoli n litilf k-iiiti»e (iliv»ic; 
I shall jwvparc suincllinii^ tur yon. 

Sir Jti», tin, h», lia ! Nn, ii i, dncfiir I I tiavc 
cacapvd both docfnn and ili'>u»iipcr« hiihcnn, 
aad I am raioired ths diociuiirr btuil pitv itt# 
tlw Am visit. 

Ore. Say you m^ fttrf WItf, Own, if I cnn Ket 
lyi more palienU tinn-, [ ntntl I'vi-n "rvL. [(k->ii 
' elwwhere; and to iKimblv bi>ii^>^ te ditiniitt d<>- 
mitii venivn ^niiiiidi ftinu. 

fKri/ (MiF.nnftv. 
Sir Jm$. Well, ttiii it ■ phv^ictitu of vibl utpit- 
015, bw of ticeediiig udd htiiuoun. 


SCENE U.— n* *i«f/. 

H .^m. Ah, Charlolte ! tfaoo hnst no rtctum tn 

H •^^hctxj my tciKirancit of wliat tlmu ritriuivM, 

H noe I can <n ca«ily «tucss ihy turiMCfit tiy iu\ 

^ tmn. Oh, bow tnitch *norr juMitinble ure inv 

itart, when you Imve not milv lite c-iinrnniiil of 

ipareiK, hut iIk iviitpluiMMt uV tortuiit; lu ttitun; 



cunvil powrr of gold, 
For wliidi ill li'Mioiir'* snid. 

Awl tKHiFMy'i uu more ! 
For tliee, we «fton find 
Thv (pvai ill lracMe« i^iiiiliin^ri, 

To trick and ruU tlii.' pintr. 
Dt ilii-c, (li«* fool Bud knave 

1 rmn>(x-nd the wiM and b/Hi e, 
Sj abxtlutc tliy reign. 

WiiiwMit some iiclp of rhine, 

TUk ^rc:iU'st U';iiitic9 n'.Uue, 

And Jover* pk-ad, iii %'ftiu. 

Enter Grcoorv, 

Of- Upon my word, chii is a good bcKinnin^ ! 

tA% I hate vriiitpd fur yun, tUn-tar, a loit^ 
^f* ria oanie to tietf ynur u»usniiiCD. 
^Ot Av ; you havr nr*-il of aMl^t«nce. in- 
•*^ I Whai ■ puUe b here ! V> Uat do v-mj «nr 


! Doctor, yitu'rc nii»tulki.'n , 
-L- y-ni- 

Do you think 1 

dun't know whM a mao is stok, better than ha 
dues liinut*)!'? 

Uan. Well, if I have any dialeiaper, it i* th*1 
l«vc of thai yniiRe lady, yonr patieiu, from whtM*. j 
vou \u-it now canic; and to whjm, il' you caq 
t •■ii»t-v iiw, I »w«ar, dear doctor, I itiall be cC~ 
li' (wrcd. 

O/r.'lia you take me for a |Hinpf air i A phy«i 
»iciiin fur n pun^.* 

/,ra«. Dear sr, nake no Boi«e. 

Grr. Sir, I will inatio a nuitt J you ore an im- 
pertinent fetlnw. 

i^vitt. Suf^lv. Rn'xJ sir ! 

dr. I »liatl sliow you, nr, tUal I'm ooc Hieh a 
iKiri of n ponx^n; and that ynti »ro nii in«)k-iit, 

^jiucy [LcjNDKa g^tr« a yurte.] I'm not 

>|K-aitini* ta yuu, «ir ; but there uni certain iin- 
[itrtnu-nt fcljuw.i in tho world, itiat take pcitpla 

tor wli.ii they are not which always puts uie, 

*ir, ioto »uch a ^ML»»ion, tlint 

h-an. I ask pardou, air, fur the liberty I bar* 

Ore. O, dear sir; no offence, io the least.— 
Prnv. oir, Ihiw Min I in tene youf 

tj-aa. lliis distemper, w. which yuii are sent 
for to rnre, is fetgnrd. Tlif physitniuw liavc rea- 
froni-d iiiMm it, ncrortlinn to custom, and have de- 
rived it trmn the bruin, from the bowelfi, froia 
tlic li*er, liius*, liahts, niiH cvcnr patrt <>t'lhe bo- 
dy : but the true chum <»f it i« [i>v«; ai^d it an 
inveiilion of Churtolte'6, lu deliver her from a 
mnt^-'h she du-tiLcs. 

Gre. Hum! Aoppose you were to disguise 
yourself ns an np<xhecaryF 

Lean. I'm not very well known to her father ; 
tltercfore, believe I may pass upon him securely. 

Ore. Go, tlicOf di^uiM* vounc-lf nnmeiliutcly ; 
I'll wait for you haro— Ua ! Mcrhinks I wi a 
paucnt. [£rif LtAXUBl. 

Enter JxufS and Davy, 

Ore. Gad ! Matters go on so swiinminitty, lU 
even ritnriinic n phyurian as loiiff as I live. 

JuiHft \.Sf,rakiiif( fo Davy.]— Fear not; if he 
rLl.i|'M iui" li(» liuuiours, I'll quickly thra^ liiiu 
iiiro I lie pliT»)ciao ngam. Doctor, I fiavc brou||h( 
\uu M patient. 

Dart/. Mv p<»or wipe, dftctor, !«■* fcppt her bed 
those *IX luonth4. — [Grk. h*tifls trul tia kanJ.] — 
If vniir womhip would liiid out soioe means lt> 
curt* Iwr 

Grt. Whnc** the matter with her? 

Ihny. Why. she Iw* fevctnH pliy«ciaus ; 
one Nivs 'ti» the dropsy: another, Vw tlie whut- 
d'ye-call-it, the tnnipany: a third say*, 'lis a slow 
fwer ; n fnurtli 9ny\, tin* rontati/ ; a fifth 

On: Wlijit arc the svuiplonis? 

Davif. Svniptoms, fir ! 

G-r. .\v. nv ; whar doeii she complain of? 

Duty. Why, i^u: is always ctavu)|[aad cnifine 

% . 



for drink, cats nothing at all. Tbcn her legs arc 
iwctlpil ii|i us tii;- »s n j^oui) luindsunit pusl; uml 
mt cold tlifT be ns ii &u>iic. 

Cirt. C'lHoc, to tilt; purpow ; spoak. to llie puiv 
pOM't my rHeud. 

[Ho/jUnfi intt hii hand. 
Dary. Tlw purpose is Mr, timt 1 um come tu 
[«sk vtial your wurvlitp pleoacs lo Imtc dooc with 

Crc. P»lia, |t4iD, psim ! I duo't understaud one 
word what y»u ntcaii. 

Jumra. Iliit nilL-iftMck, doctor; and Ik: Iibk 
bruutbt you u |;uiii«t fur yuur ndvlcc. Girc it 
the doctor, friciid. 

[Davy pVTM the pvinm. 

Grr. Ay. now I umlcrMand yoii; h<'rt:'i a uen- 
tl^nian c:tplaiti>i the cikM-. You bay your v>\tt: ift 
nidi ot the drn|)5y? 

Davy. V eft, ant please your wor^iip. 

Oft. \\'f>)t, I have inadcndiiCt toromirrchrnd 
JOUT mrBiiid^at l:ibt: ynu have the titniti^fiit <iv:iv 
of dcscnl)iii£ u dirviciuper. Vou io) your wiff.- fs 
alvmys calliit^ for drink : let Iter have as, murh as 
the desires; *Ut rnii'l drink ton much ; and, d'ye 
bear, ei^e her this piece of cheese. 

JDiiry. Chec»e, air ! 

Ck'. Ay, fhre*c, »ir. The cheese, of whith 
tlii^ is a port, hu& cured mure people u\ a druj»y 
thaii ever had it. 

DaTi/. I tcive your worbbip a tliousaiid ihnnks: 
ni go luukc her take it innucdiatetv. 

'[£>!/ Davt. 

Grt. Go ; mid if she dic^ be sure tu bury her 
alter the befit mumicr you can. 

Enter DoacAS. 

Dor, Tin like to pi\y severely for iny fmlic, if 
1 have lo9t niy hubtmnd by it. 

Grt, O physic luid iiitiinniotiy ! My wife ! 

Di>r. Fur, ihnuftli the r(»Kue u»ed me a litllr 
rou|ihly. he was h? p>ud a worluiuui as any in five 
miles of hi& head. 

AIIC — Thoanut I eannot. 

A lie for ttie damtv civil t.pooi<c, 

WhoV Kred ni tlie cmiri of Fmncc; 
He trpnis hill »il'e with STinJen nnd howl. 
And inihr*t nni the good uium-cluuHie, 
Re (iret.'ory 
Tlie. man fur iiw, 
TlwUKh pten tu miuiy a mapgut: 
Fur be would work 
Like any Turk ; 
Nmic like hiio e'er handled a ^e^ot, n facgot. 
None like him e'er handled a fa^ut ! 

Crt. What evil stars, iu the devil's nome, ha' » 
vent her hither? If I could but pcrMiaili- lit-r i 
fake a pill ur two that I'd j^iie her, 1 »huuld be u 

physician to some purpcne— Come hidcr, sfaild, 
Ida ine feela your piilitt'. 

Uvr. Vkhai have you to do with my pulfte? 

(ire. 1 am de 1 renuh phv^icinn, luy dear, and 
I nin Iu fecln dv |j(jI*« of dc putioti. 

J)or. Vi-s but 1 iiin ou pfttioo, sir ; nor wmnt 
no pltyainaii, good ctoctnr lt«|oit. 

Un: lki:nr, yoti iniiet be puta to-bed, and 
taka dc peel ; me hU |!ive you de little }.-ecl dat 
sal cure yuu, aft vou hnro more di»temprc den 
evcre were hered off. 

Virr. VN'hai'it the matter with the fool ? If yoa 
feel my pulK any more, 1 shall feel yuux care fur 

Ore. fieear, you luuat taka d« pMl. 

Jhr- Keear, [ ^hall not taka de preL 

Cre. I'll take this onportnnitv to iry her.— 
[/lti(/c.] — Maye deor, if you will not lelta roe 
cura you, vou Hala cura me; you »all \te my pbJ^ 
virion, Biui 1 wdl give you de fee. 

I Holds on/ a pvrv. 

l)or. Ay, inr Momacli df^-s uul ^o aenimi 
thofe pilU; nod nhat oiuii I do for your fee? 

Crt. O, begar ! me vill »how you; me villi 
lca< Ita you what vou Mil doe ; you mutt roroe 
kisMt utc now, you tuusl conte kissa nte uuw. 

Dor. [Knte$ Aijw.j— A^ I live, my very hand 
dnt< f I'tc di^covereii linn in citjd tiinci or be 
had di»r(iTered roc^[Wxt^e.}— Well, docuirtHid 
are ytm cured non f 

(jrt. 1 bhall make my*elf a cttckcild pr 
— r^iii/r.J — Di» if noi n proper place, dis i 
puolic; for sud any t»ric pas> by while 1 1 
[•liieir, it vtll pr<-tcola de opporution. 

Dor. Wliai pby»r, dutlor? 

Gre. In your eur, dat. \Whispen. 

Dor. Ami in yuur ear Hat, iMrmlL — {Uittmi 
htm a Aor.] — Do you dan: adruiit my itrtuc, yua 
villun ! iJ'ye think the world should bribe me lo 
part w ii h luy virtue, my dear virtue ! Tbere, Coke 
your purM; afinin. 

Grr. But wlicre's the gold? 

Dor. ilie cold I'll kcvp^ as an etenial moov- 
ment of my virtue. 

Grr. (I wbiit « happy doc an I, to find my 
nitV" M) virtuous a woman when I Irnn cxpefTeil 
it! (ih. my iiyured dear ! fk'liold your Urtyrty, 
vunr «)«• n husband ! 

Di.r Ila! 

Off. O mc ! I'm bo full of joy, I cannot l«II 
tliee nuire than (hat I am as iiuirli thr liappm* 
of men, u» thou an the auin virtuuuii <^ wo* 

Dor. AikI nrt thou really my Gregory } And 
huAt thmi any mure uf the»e purM» f 

Grr. No, my dear, I hnvc do more ahont ne: 
b t 'tis proliubic, ni a few days I may hate a 
h lurlred ; for the siruttgest accident has lui))t>cft' 
ed to me ! 

fJor. Yes my dear ; but I can tell you wImb ^ 
you nrc obbgcd to for tlwl acddcut : IokI i 






M. bctttcn me this rnoraing, I hnd never lind yoii 
HTeo iuiu ft phv^cUn. 
Grt. Oh, oil \ ilica 'us tii you I owe all tliat 
dnihhinf ^ 

Dor. Yes, HIT dear; ihuugh I tittie dreamt of 
thr ron»ei)ucnctr. 
Urr. Hdw intiaitrtf I'm oblieeil to ihee I But 

Enter IIelle&oiie. 

HeL Are not vou the great <J<ictnr ja<tt come 
m this biwi), so famous lor curing dumbocss? 
Ore, Sir, i uin tii>. 
HeL Thcu, air, I &boQld be gind of your nd- 

Grt. Let me feci Tour pulw. 

Uri. Not for myself, good dtx"tor; I nin, mv- 
Kir, sir, a brotl)er of the faculty, what tlic wjriH 
aih m mad doctur. I have iit present under niv 
cm a patient, wKum 1 can by iw tnraiis jiretnil 
with CO speak. 

Grr. I shall make faim speak, nr. 

HeL tl will adil, !)ir, to the ^reat reputation 
mo bane alrcndy acquired ; and ( am happy in 
Mdw»g you. 

Gre. Sir, t am a« happy in finding you. — [Tff* 
hmg Aim atidf,] — You nee that wuinan, there? 
ihe u |}<iMC»^ with a most strange sort of niod- 
nna, and imapDCB every man she mx^ ui be her 
bntiMid. Now, ur^ if you will but admit, her iu- 
to Tour house ^ 

iiet U<»t «villit)|j;lyf sir. 

Off. "file tirsi itiiiifC. sir, you are tti do. is to 
Irt out ihiny rmnce^ of her blood : tlien, sir^ yi>ii 
ue tu tkhave off all her hair ; all her hair, sir : nf' 
ter fthicb, you arc to make n »ery severe iiw .if 
wur md, twice a-dny ; and inVc a particular mre 
ibu the have not the leo&l allowance beyond 
bread and water. 

HfL Sir, I shall readily a^rcc to tlie dictates 
of »u i;rrat a man ; nor can 1 holp approvmir at 
jow method, wlucb is exceeding milo and whole' 


Ore, fTct Am iTf/'c ] — Mv tlcar. that cciitlemnn 
•ill onaouct you to in? UKluiin:*. Sir, I bcK, yju 
«iU take a particular care of thv lady. 

SmL You mav lU^pcnd nn't, sir; nothing m my 
ponr thall ho waintin^ ; you hlftvc only to in- 
fvcfbr I>r Uelkb'irc. 

Dor. Twont be long before I see vou, hu»- 
HdL H«faaad I ThU it as unaccountable a 
any I bava yet iiK^t uiili ! 

[KxU IUl. with Uo8. 

Enter L&jikdcr. 

Crr. 1 dunk I ahall be rereoged on you now, 
JP 'im. So, sir. 
[lf>n. 1 ihiok I make a pretty good a|ioOieca- 

^ Ya^ &uh; jrou'rc almost as good an 

spittKecary, as I'm a phfsidan ; And, if you 
pIraM?, I'll ronvev vou to the putieiit. 

Ijtati. If I did hut know a few plty^ical hard 
wnnl+— — 

Grf. \ few physical hnrrl words I Why, in a 
lew hard words coum^Is the vience. Would you 
know as much as the whole faculty in an instant^ 
sir? Cniiie atmii!;, rmnr almii* f 1 lold ; the doo 
tor mu&t always go before tlic apothecary. 

yEKunt, ' 

SCENE in.— <^iB jAsrstt's Awue. 

Enter Sia Jasper, CaARLOTTt, and Siuid. 

Sir Jas. Uns site midc no attempt to speak, 
yet ? 

Maid. Not ill the least, sir; so far from ic, 
tliitt, a^ she used to make a sort of ttoiic before, 
^hc is now nuitr silent. 

Sir Jn*. [ijiotciitg on hUtentrh.] — ^Tis almost 
the Umc the d-icior promised to return — Uh, be 
IS here ! Doctor, your servant. 

Enter Greoort and Le&nocr. 

Crir. Well sir, how does ro^ patient? 

Sir Jitt. ilutlicr worse, sir, since your prescrip- 

Ore. So mudt the better; 'tis a sgn that it 

Sir Jas. Who if that gerttleraan, pny, with 
you * 

Ore. An apoihi-cary, sir. Mr Apirthcrary, I 
di'sire ynii would immediately apply chat song I 

Sir Jat. A song, doctor ! Prmcrilie o sonjj P •■ ■ 

Ore. Prescnfx: a song, sir ! Vcs, sir; prescribe 
a song, sir. Is there any ihiin* so ^itranse in 
llmt? Did you never hear of pills to pur^e me- 
lancholy ? If you imdcrMand thew lhins;s better 
ihan I, why did you send fur me ' 'Shod, sir, this 
son^: would make a sinne S}>cnk. Itui, if you 
pleusc, sir, you and I will confer at some dis- 
laiicF, durin<; tlie application ; for this mmii: will 
do you na tnudi hann as it will do yotir daughter 
^(Xjd. lie sure, Mr Apothecary, to pour it dowa 
her OJira very closely. 


jLtom. Thus, liivety patient, Charli>tle sees 
tier dying paticut kneel; 
Soon cured will be your feigood di»> 

But what physidnn e'er cnn vtat 
The tonnentu wl*ich I feel } 

Think, fhiirniiiig nymph, whdc I com- 
Ah, tliink what 1 ciidore ! 

All other remedies are inin ; 

The lovclv cause of all my pain 
Can only cauee my cure. 




Crt. Tt is, 9tr, B ftrent snil stibilc quc^slion 
aiouiig Uie doctors, WlictlH^r women nrtT mure 
s* tu be cured ihnn mvix ? I tic^ n>u v oiild nt- 

1 to this wf) if you pica**: -Some wv, Nti : 

cKliers sny, Yes; *iiitj, fur my pari, ! siy t«>ili Yi-i 
anil No ; f'jnijtmuch an the inruii«;ruity tif ibi 
. OJiupie humouri thai lucrt in the natui-nl temper 
[of K'unicn, art the mtiKe that titp brutal |ran will 
alwavs fin-vail mcrHic im&ihl i ? ' Oiic w-es 
thitt the inc}iiality of their opinions dcprtuU 
upon ihf black movtmcnl of toe rirclp of iht 
xnooii ; and ms the tun, Hi:it d»nk \va mys upon 

tht concavity of ilic t-orth, tiiid!.' 

Vhar. No, I km not ac all capable of clmngiiig 
my nptiiiuu. 

Sir Jiu. My daut^htcr speaks ! my dnuKbtcr 
ipcnIiB ! Oh, the prat power of physic ! Oli, th** 
ediiiinibtf phytit-ian ! How oko I reward diet 
for Micti a senice! 

Gie. This distemper Iiaa given mc a most itt- 
aafiicmble deal of Iroablc I 

ll'mrertiug the ttagr in a great hrat, the 
apot heca ry/oilon-ing.] 
Char. Vcs, sir, I have rtco%-trpd my »prcH^; 
but I hare rccorcred it to tull yoo, that I ne\cr 
will hnvc nny hiisliiind but Lcandcr. 

[^Sjieakatfilfi fTtml eagrrneiSt and drive$ Si n round the »iage. 

Sir Jul. But 

C'Anr. Nothing is capable to shake ihe resolu- 
tion 1 have taken. 
Sir Jas. Wliat ! 

Chiir. Your rhetoric ia ia Tain; all yoar di»- 
Cour»e« Nullify iiuthiog. 
UtrJia. I— 

Char. I nm determined : and nil the fatlters 
in the world shoK never oblige me to marry con- 
trary to my tiictinniiom. 
Sir Jut. I have — 

(.'Anr. 1 n<-ver«ill submit to ihin tyr^innv ; and 
if 1 mu»t not liuvt; Uie man 1 likt, I'il diC a 

Sir J«. You »lmll have Mr l")appc r ' 
i^har. No — not in any manner — not in ihc 
least — mK at all ! Yon throw away vour breath ; 
vno la»e yon r time : you may conline me, brut 
me, bruise mr, destroy mr, kill nic; dn what \«u 
wUt, usemcas you will : bull net er will conxiiit ; 
nor all your thrcat», nor all your blow ■, nor all 
your ill-usaar, never shnll lun-c me to eoost-ul. 
So far from Kivin^ him my heart, 1 never will 

f:ivF bun my hand: for he \i my aterition ; I 
tale the very m^t of him ; I hod raAcr see the 
devil ! I bnd nitlier touch a toad ! you may moke 
tin nuKvahle .lootlitrr way; but with him you 
aban't. that ['ui resolved [ ' 

Gre. llM-re, fir, there ! I tliink we have 
brought her tongue to a pretty Wjlciablc coDiiM- 

Sit Jat, ConsiaiefM^, qooiha ! whv, there i* 

no &topp(i^ her tat^u't: Dear doctor, 1 dcMre 

^ou would make hrrdumb again. 


Crt, TluitV impovMhIr. >ir. All that I ran do 
tu .ocfve yuii.1^ 1(^11 mukc you deaf, if you 
Nr Ja*. Aad do jmn think - 
(.'Aur. All youl- reaimiiii^ ^lall never cotKiucr 
my r(.-y>lutiuii. 

ikr Jat. You ^hxll marry Mr Dapper this evet>* 

Cher. I'll be buried fir^l. 

Cre. Stay, sir, rtny ! Im nir rrsulntc this af- 
fair; it i» » HtMcinper llmi |itiwn8M» her, and I 
kaow what remedy ft apply to it. 

Sir Jat. I* it pn*'Mhle, »ir, that yoo can cure 
the diMeiu|a-rk tii tlic tmnd ' 

Gre. Sir, 1 cun cuic any thine. Hark ye, Mr 
A pothcrary ! you sec that ihe love she has for Lc- 
tindcr i» etrtjrcly cnntmry to the will of her fa- 
ttier, and chat there is no time to lose, and that 
nn immediate remedy is nccesiiarT. Fur mr put, 
1 know of but one, which it a dosr of pu 
ruitiiiiii;-HWHy, mixt nilb two drams of pilU 
uimomac, mid three larc'* handfuls of the 
ritr: perhaps &he will mnkc anjiue difiicultv ro 
tukc tliein ; but as you are an able apothecary, 
1 sImlJ trust to ycu for tJie succc5S. (Jo, make 
her walk in ih^ gnrdcn ; be Mire lose do time: 
lo llie remedy quick; to llie lemedy specifK ! 

[Krntftl LtANDiH and CiUBtorrL 
Sir JaB. \^'ll^t dnjti«, air, were iIhhc 1 heard 
you mention, fur I don't rcmrmbcr I ever bcaid 
ihcm k{K»kc of Itcfotc f 

Grr. 'I hf'y are Mmie, air, lately discovered by 
the Itovttl l«oeitty. 

Str Jat. Did yon rvnr see auy tiling djiuil to 
her ioMili ocf? 

Gtf. l)au^iers ore indeed sosKtitoes aJiult 
loo hettd*tlnm^. 

Sir Jilt. \n*i rannot ttnapne, sir, how foolishly 
fond <>l)e is u\' thnt Ijcaiader. 

t>i-r. The heat of blood, sir, causes thai io 
yu'uii: iniiids. 

&ir JnK for my port, the moment I discover* 
od the violence of her pnafiion, 1 hove always 
kiiit her locked up. 

Grr. Yiio hn\e done very wisely. 
Sir Jut. Aud 1 liave pieveiitcd llwni fram 
ioE the leost criainmuiraiion lofcllier : for 
knows nhtu ini'ghc luive lirrn the t im«)cqneiiD« 
\V liTi ktiowft hui slic niiuhl have ttiken it inm bcr 
lieiid to hine run owiiy with him? 
Grr. Very true. 

Sir Jitt. Av. hfr, let mr alone for fEnrrmtsf 
fiirk; I thihk I Imvc i"mc myii to bv xaui <m 
rhnl lieitri; 1 ihiuk 1 \\m\v Ah«.-\iii tlic notjit that 
1 uiwlerstuiid a linle of women — I tliiiik 1 h«»e : 
und, let tuc tell ynu, Mr, there is ihU a Utile art- 
miiiiifd. If ihiH cirl Imil IduI Mune faibrrs (!>'▼' 
had not kept brr out of tlio hanils of so «if(ilnta% 
hiver, ns I Imvf done. 
Ore. ^lO, ccrtimiJy, sir. 



Enter DoECAS. 

Dor. Where '» tliis villain, thb rogue, tliii pre- 
tend^ ptiysK^iax f 

&r Ja$. Ucydoy ! What, what, what^s the mat- 
ter now? 

Dor. Oh, airmb, dmili ! Would you have di- 
strtned ^our wife, you sillaJD ? Woald jtiu have 
brcn guilty of intirder, dofc ? 

Ort. Iloity toit^ ! What madwoman i« tlii»? 

Sir JoM. VooT wretch ! For pity's uikc, cure 
her, d(x-[or. 

Ore. Sir, I shftll not cure her, tint^M »ime- 

borty pwet mc a fee If you will ^ivc mo a 

fee, ar Ja»per, you shall »cc rae cure her this 

Dor. m fee you, ytm villain— — cure rae ! 


If you hope, hy yoiir A\\l 

To givi liorms a pill* 
You ore tiot n det* p politician : 

Crailil wiveft but he broui>ht 

To swallow the dniuj*ht, 
£ach husband would be a phyeicion. 

Knlrr 3 amis. 

Jama. O sr, undtjne, undone ! Yotir daut^tcr 
ii ruu away wiUi her lover Leandcr, who wns 
here dia^uiscd like an npothf?ciiry — aud this is 
dw ivipie of B pb}'&ician wbo kuu contrived all 
ikf a£iir. 

Sir Ja*. Uow ! am I abused in this manner ? 
Itere! who istliprc? Hid my clerk brine pen, 
Dik, and paper ; I'll tend this fellow to jmJ im- 

James. lodeed, iny ^ood doctor, you stand a 
Very fair chance tu Ix* banged ftjr Mealing iin 

Grt, Yes, indeed, I believe I &hall take my 

JJor. And are thiry going to hang you, ray 
■Mr DttlbaDar 
Grr. You see, my dear wife. 
Dur. llad you linished llic faggots, iL had bten 
wne eomoUtioo. 

Enter LrAXDtR and Cuahiotte. 

Imm, Bcbold, tir, Uiat Lc^niiler. whom you 
Mlortiid jmtr bouec, restores vour dai^-nter 
t* your power, even wheo b« bad her in his, 1 

will receive her, iir, only at yoar band»-~— I 
have rcrcivcd letters bt Mhich 1 have learnt tba 
dcuth of an unctc, whuse ntate far exceeds that 
nf v<uir inlcnili'd soii-in-iaw. 

&r Jcit. 8ir, your virtue a beyond all estates; 
and t give you my daughter with all the plcasura 
in tlic wurkl. 

Lean. Now my fortune makes me hapiiy in- 
deed, m\ dearest C'harlotie [ And. di>mfr, I'll 

iiiiikL- thy ftirtunt^, too. 

Ore. If you would be so kind ti> make me 
n phy<<)cian in earner, I should desire do other 

J^an. Faith, doctor, I wi^h I could tin ihui, in 
return for your having made me an ai*»thecary; 
but I'll do as well fw thee, I warniiii. 

Dor. Ki), Hi \ uur pliyM<^iuii. 1 tiiu), hivs hnmiihfi 
about fine maltent. -Vud i!> it uot oniMu tu uie, 
sirrali, that ynu hnvp been a phyHCiwu at ail' 

Sir Jiu. Mas 1 bt-K Ut know «%liethcr yuu area 
pbvfician or not — i>r wbiil the devil you are? 

Gre. I think. »\t, after the iiiinicuUiuti cure 
jou have I'een me |>er1»rm, you have no rr«*">n 
tu Ahk whrlhiT I am a phyMiioii or iii> — And hjr 
y<«u, tviic, I'll [iriiccfi)rth have yuu behave with 
ull Hefeienre t»i my jireutncjts. 

Dftr. Whv, thnu polled up fool, I coiild have 
ninde as g^^Mid a phvsiciun myself; the- cure a^aa 
• iwiug to the apotnecary, uot the d'n-tur. 

AIR. — We've cheated the ParsoHy^e^ 

When tender younji; virgini look pale, and com- 
You mav send for a doaen treat doc iur» in vain : 

All give their opininn. niiH piicket tliiir fee^; 
Each wrtleK lier » cure, dmii^li all luias her dia- 

Powders, drops, 
Julaps, slijps 
A cargo of poiftim (vtm \^h\*.intl ^hopt. 
Though they phy.s)c u> death the unhappy poor 

What's thm to ibe doctor-^— sinre lie laost be 

paid ? 
Would you know how you may nianiige her 

right ? 
Our doctor baa brought you a nostrum t'>-night« 
Chu never vary, 
Nor niiMTarry, 
If the lover be hut the apolbecary. 

Chorus, — Cau never vary, && 






CsEONONBOTOKTHOLOooSy king of Queenmmo- 

BoHBARDiNiAN, hu gentruL 

Aldiboroktipboscopuormio. ) _„_.. 

RioDuic-FuNMfDos. } courti€r$. 

Captain of the guards, 




King of the Jiddtert. 

JLing rfth* Antipodtt, 


Fadladinida, queen ^ QMterwnmamim. 

TAtLAKTHE, her favouritc. 

Tico Udies of the court. 

TtPo ladiet ofpUaturt. 



Guardt and aitendantSf 4^r^ 



JBCENE I.— i<ii ttHti-ehamber in thepahn. 

JEmter Rigduk-Fonhidos and Aldiboeonti- 

Rig-Rin. AldiboitHitipboscoi^rnio ! 
Where left ^ou Chronoonotontnologos f 

Aidi Fatigued with the tmneudous UhIs of 
Within his tent, oo downj cooch snccumbent, 
Himself he unfatigoei with gentle slumbera -. 
Lulled by the cheerful trumpet^ gladsome clan- 
The notM of drums, and thunder of artillery. 
He sleeps supiue amidst the din of war : 
And yet, 'tis not delinitirely sleep ; 
Rather a kind of doze, a waking slumber. 
That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses : 
For now he nods and snores; anon he starts; 
Then nods and snores again : If this be sleep. 

Tell me, ye gods ! what mortal man's awake? ' 
What aavs my friend to this? 

Rig- Pun. Say ! I say he sleeps dog-sleq): 
What a plazue would you have me say ? 

Aldi O mipiouB thought ! O cursed inaiM^ 
tion ! 
As if great Chrononhotontbologpi, 
To animals detestable and vile, 
Had aught the least sitmHtude ! 

Rig~Fun. My dear friend, yon entirely Bt^ 
apprehend me : I did not call the king wig Iff 
craft ; 1 was only going to tell yon, diat the nt 
diers have just now received their pay, and in 
all as drunk as so many swabbers. 

Aldi. Give orders instantly, that no more mo* 
Be issued to the troops : Mean time, m^ fnetx^ 
Let the baths be filled with seas of come, 
To stupefy their souls into sobriety. 






Rifi^Fmm. f fancT vou hud better bBoiib the 
Btitlmv mad hiow tbr Geiie^u ctttks to the devil. 

AtdL rbou couuMrilcst well, my RtgUum-Fun- 
And TT^xm «rcR» to father tbv advice : 
Sou *wft •' — IT** ls"'fE. i" p*ii«*'e r<)ii(prii|iIntion, 
^cifiof to rcBoU* on toine iroporiutit doubt ; 
H:* Mal» too copMMU tof bis eartltiv rubric, 
htjuu forth, ■pootaiiOHis in wliloqiiy, 
And Vitfcei hu toogv^ t)ie midwite ul" bis mind. 
L« u retjn;, IcsC we duturb bu wbtudc. 

[Vtey retire. 

Enter Kmo. 

JEm^. Thii god of sleep ia watdifal to torment 
Aa4 fwi it KTOwo ■ (tranccr to my cjc« : 
Saan not with Chn>nunh'ttontU>tlnpis, 
iWu Ktlc ftlumhtrrr, ihnii detctccd Stminust 
For. il' Uuiu diHt, til nil tlio wmlune powcn, 
rU tear tinoc cyc-balU frrim their Iradeo-aockctSf 
AM ferae tliec to uut-^tarc eternity ! 

[Ejit in a kuff. 

lt»rofg RiODim mtd Ai.oi»oitoxTt. 

Hif. T^ kine is in a mou curied p;»sioti ! 
Ptay, «ho ihr devil is tliia Mr Souuiust Ik's so 
ucrv witbftl } 

AUL Inc son »( CWh and of Erebus 
Iw:nitiirii» fmir ! bnrfbfr of Mnm reltrntless, 
Wluift speckled n>be, and wines of blackc:>c hue, 
AaamA all mankuid with hideinis iflare ; 
UiaMatf wUi) uibk (iluincft, to men Kciipvolcnt, 
B>iaBllo««Dy sliiinl>er». ot>d n^frc-shmic alcL-p. 

Atf . 71li» ^ntlrmin rnay rumc of u very ^ood 
fuBilr, for Durht 1 kn>nv ; but I would not be in 
ba pUcv far iW vfurld. 

4UL ftn, Iq ! tfati kiiq!< ^'s TootAtcps this way 
ffiseoBtalivF fscultii-i immersed 
b OOCifaaiiditv <>!' nkjfiiaiiiiti : 
Ih iriW-Mre clo« our folding-doors of speech, 
Till apt atieuuun lell iMir bcnri the purport 
Of iIms pivfouud profundity oi' tbou](hL 

St-^mier Kimg, Nithfet, and AttenAint$, SfC, 

Ibag. Il i* resolved Now* Somntu, I defy 

imtlmm ouikitMl ampnic thy rupteil doiniinnn. 

Thtm nrnl vyf* thou never luun: tlmlt cIumt. 

BsHwfiyrch, let wt man sleep, on pniii of duaib : 

la«r«d of Urfip, In p«nnp<)ii'^ (Kivustitry 

CfKM a'l inmikind eternally Auhke. 

So ' < dc<!orfttc the st^tce 

%i' ( tccnrc of deoM-alimi: 

Caatsand ci4iti(*-M'», divarft aitd pvginH:«, 

(■■^datirr^ taoac in it« nmpIcDt order, 

H iars paatofnimr^, '*o^ "^^ i'**^ mimic motion 

Of NCOB dcccptUfviMve Bud sublime. 

Thcjlat ttene dramt. TV kin^ h uaiedt 
and a firaad pantomime cntrrttiinment 
H performed, in tiie midst of wAicA, ea- 
tert a captain of the guard. 
Copt. To arms ( lo arms ! great Chrononbo- 
touilHilogos I 
The Autipudean powers, frooi realms below, 
tliice boFM the tu>lid eiitrails of the earth ; 
t iustuiig sucb cacnracts of forces forth, 
1 his wurld u tui« incupiou» to contain them : 
Armies on amtie^ uiarch, in form stupendous; 
Not like oor earthly regions, rank by raidt. 
But tecr o'er tccr, high piled from eurth to bcie 

A blazinj; bullet, bigger than the lun, 
Sh>H from a huge and luonatrous culverin, 
liat^ bud your royul citadel in a«hes. 

King. I'cace, coward ! were they wedged like 
golden ingots, 
Or pent fio L-lt>Me, u» to admit tw vacuum, 
One look from CbnmonboujuthulaiQos 
Shall scare tbcm into notiiiiig. Rigdunv-FufloU 

Ilid Bumburdiiiian draw his legions forth, 
And meet us in tht pluint of (^uct-ruiu mania. 
■["his very now ourselves shall there conjoin him : 
Mean tnne, bid uJl the priests prepare tlxir tem- 
For riles of triumph : Let the sirring Kiogcrs, 
Wi[h vocal voiix-s, inu»t vorifcrou-i, 
In sweet vacifcmtion, oui-vocifcrize 
Even souud it^lf. So be it as wc have ordered. 

SCENE n.-— ji magnificeHt apartment. 

Enter QVEEN, TaTLahtmb, and two ladiet. 
Queen. Day's curtain's drawn, the mom begins 

to RK, 

And wakine nature rubs her dccpy evcs: 
The pretty little flect-y bleariri" incki 
tn baii'b hannoiiious warblv throueh ihe rocks: 
Ni){ht piUim up her >badeO', in sable ^bruudg, 
And whisp&rine ozirrs taltle to the clouds. 
VVIint think yuu, liidleft. if an hour wc kill, 
At bnasct, ombre, picqiR't, or <jiiadrille ? 

Tilt. Your iiinte»ty ww* pli-Hwd lo order tea. 

Queen, Mv nimd is altered ; brini: sunic ratifia. 
[Thei/ are lereed round uttit a drxun. 
I bnvc a fiiniuiis tii)dl<;r sent from France. 
Bid luui cuiub in. What think ye uf a dance? 

Enter Fiddler. 

Fid. Tlius to your m^esty, soys the tappliant 

IIUl >c, 
Would YOU a solo or sonata chuse? 
Or bold' cant- rrto, or soft Stciltana, 
Alta Krunci^c ovtiro in gnvto Romano? 
When yuu cuumiaud^ 'tis dooc as soon as Apokc. 




Quetn. A civU fellow ! plaj oa the Black 

Juak. [Mutic plays 

[Quetn and Ladia dance the Black Joak 
So inuch iar dauciti)^ ; now lee's rest a while. 
Bring in the ted-thiuf;!! ; does tlte kettle boil } 

Jal. The water hubbies and the tea-rupsskip. 
Through eager hope tu kiss ^our royal lip. 

[Tea brought in. 
Queen. Come, ladies, will you please to chuse 
your tea; 
Or greea Lmperial, or Pekoe Bohea ? 

lit Ladtf. Never, oo, never sure on earth was 
So Krariiius, sweet, and afluble a queen ! 
kd Lady. She is an anjcel ! 
lit hadjf. She's a jjroddess rather ! 
Tat. Site's ani^ly queen, and goddess^ altoge- 
Queen. Away ! you flatter nie. 
\tt 1m^, We don't indeed : 
Your merit does our praise by far exceed. 

Quetm. Y(Hi make me blush : Pray, help me 

to a fan. 
tti Ladjf. T^at Uu^ becomes you.— — - 
Tat. Would I were a man ! 
Queen. I'll hear no mure of these fantastic 
airs. [Bell rtngt. 

The bctl rings in : Come, ladies, let's to prayers. 

[They dance off'. 

SCENE lU.— ^n anli^hamber. 

^ter RiGDCu ant/ Aldiboronti. 

Rjg. E^ad, we're in the wron^ box ! Who the 
detil would have thought that Chrononhotonthu- 
loi:os should lie at that mortal sight of Tippodi'- 
ans? Why, there's not a muther'i> child of them 
to be seen '. 'egad, they footed it away as fast a^ 
their hands c<iuld carry tht^m; but they have tel't 
then king behuid them. We have hun safe, that's 
cue cniofort. 

Aldt. Would he were still at amplest liberty ! 
For, oh ! my deareht liigdum-Fuuiiidos, 
I have a riddle to unriddle to thee, 
Shall make thr-e stare thvself into n statue. 
Our queen's in love with this Autipodeaii. 

Rig The devil she is ! \\ ell, i see mischief is 
goiuH forward with a vei^eance ! 

Aldi. But, lu ! the cnnquemr comes, all crown- 
ed with conquest ! 
A solemn triumph graces his return. 

Let's grasp the forelock of this apt oocaaoD, 
lu greet the victor, in hisjSow of gisry. 

A grand triumph. — Enter Chbononboiontho- 
LOGos, guards and attendants, ^ met by 
RiGOUM-f usNiDos and Auiiboeontiphosco- 


Atdi. All hail to ChrononboCf»tholocoa ! 
Thrice trebly wdcome to your tv^ so^ccts ! 
Myself and faithful Higdum-Faimidosy 
i.ost in a labyrinth of love and loyalrr, 
Intreat you to inspect our inmost souls, 
And read, in them, what toivue can never utter 

CAro. Aldiburnntiphoscopaomio, 
To thee, and gentle Rigdum-Funnidos, 
Our gratulations flow in stream* nnboundcd: 
Our bounty's debtor to your loyalty. 
Which iUtall, with interest, be repaid e're loi^. 
But where's our queen f where's Fadladinida? 
She should be foremost in this gladsome tran. 
To grace our triumph; but, I see she alilbls M> 
This haughty queen shall be no longer muM^ 
I'll have a sweet and gentle concubine. 

Ri^. Now, my dear little Pbosco{^fnyv for a 

swinging lie to bring the queen off, and III na 

with it to her this minute, that we maj all be n 

a say. Say she has got the thoroogb-go-oiniUr. 

[WhtMperSf mndMleabtf. 

Aldi. Speak not, great ChrononhotontbokfOfi 
III accents so injuriously severe. 
Of Fadludinida, your faithful queen: 
By me she sends an embassy of love. 
Sweet bldudislimeuts, and kind congntolatioa^ 
But, cannot, Oh ! she cannot, come herself. 

King. Our rage is turned to fear ; What ab 
the queen P 

Aldi. A sudden diarrhsea's rapid force 
So stimulates die peristaltic motion. 
That she by far out-docs her late out^on^ 
And all conclude her royal life in danger. 

King. Bid the physicians o( the world ■— »niHi 
In consultation, solemn and sedate : 
.More to corroborate their sage resolves. 
Call from their graves the learned men of oU: 
Galen, Hippocrates, and Paracelsus; 
Ooctors, apothecaries, surceuns, chemists^ 
All, all attend and see they brii^ their nwi£' 

Wtiole magazines of gnlli-pottcd nostroms, 
Mnteriali/ed in phanuaceutic order ! 
L he man that cures our queen shall have our en* 
pire. [Eav^ 



ACT n. 

SCEHZJ.—A garden. 
Eater TATijinTnE anJ Queen. 

Quetn. Heigh bo ! my bcmrt ! 
Tmt. What aiU my Kracioua quecu } 
Qiuen. O would to Vctius I hnd iierer accu — 
Tat. Se«u what, toy royaX nualreat f 
QuitM. Too, tno much ! 
Ta(. Did it aAif(fat vou ? 
Qiifm. No ; 'uh notliiitg uch. 
Tat. What was it, madnm f 
Quiea. Really, I don't knuw. 
Tat. It must be sotuetbiiig t 
Qmeen. No I 
Tht, Or nothing f 
QiUfJt. No! 

Tut. "nKii, I conclude, of coane, since it was 
fotMo^ aikd aomcthiss jumhlod well logetlicr. 
f^imi Oh t my TaUanthc, bare ygu never 

7W. Can I gucu what, unlcM yuu tell, my 

Qmeen* The king, I menu i 
T*t. Juit DOW returned from war, 
Be rides lit:e Man in hu triumphal car. 
CuoqoPAt. prccMtm, with laurels in his limid; 
BchifMl him Fame does on her tripos stnni) ; 
Ktr goMen tramp Bhritl through the air ^e 

Vfhich rends the eartli, and thence to Heaven 

Tnpfaiei and apuita iimumrmblc praoe 
1W IfiuMph, wfaicli ull triumphs duc^ dcfuuc : 
Vmtt tbeo, great queen I jrour hero thus lo 

Vba longi lo lay hi« laurels at your feet. 
ttMrai. Art mod, Totlautbe? I meant no such 
W talk's diiUutcfuL 
Tat. Didn't tou nnme the king ? 
({uea. I dill, TatlanttiB, tnit it wns not ihinr; 
"» dianiune king I ineaji, i*i only mine. 
T<ir. Who rlic, n ho else, but kuch a charm- 
u^ fair, 
ttChnaoDboioutbologos khould share? 
^ ^oeea of beauty, iu)d the |^ld of arms, 
nhnBand juu united, blend their charms. 
w! had you htm him, how he dealt out dcntli, 
^ K one sirukr, robbed thousands of theit 

^'Ue on die alaughtercd hen\r% himself did rise, 
bpjnmJd^ of conquest to tht.* 5kieii : 
*Wp4tall hailed, and fain n-ould have him stay ; 
M jour fartckt cbanni have called him ttiencp 
4a<ra. Thi4 does my ntnioit indi^niuion tjuk : 
Too ve too pertly lavish in his proiiip. 
laave me for cr«r ! [Tatlaktuc knctUng. 

Vol. UL 

Tat. Oh ! what shaU I say ? 
Do not, great queen, your on^r thus display! 
O fmwn mc drad ! lot me not live to hoar 
My gracious quean and mistress so srrerc ! 
I've made sonic horrible mistake, f>o doubt ! 
Uh ! tell uiu witnt it is ! 

Queen. Nu, find it out. 

Tat. No, I will never leave ymi; hero I'U 
Till you some token of forgivcnness show : 
Oh T all ye uowers above, come down, cotno 

dawn 1 
^Vnd from l»er brow dispel that angry fro»vn. 

Queen. Tatlanthe, rise ; you haro prarniled at 
OlTend no more^ and HI encase vihat'^ past. 

[TATi.ANTnE asitle, riiing. 

Tat, Why, what a fool was I, not tn perceive 
her po^un for the topay-tuny kinit, llie pcatle- 
man that carries his tieaid where his hccli should 
be r Rut I must tack about [ »ce. 

[7*^ the Quefint. 
Excuse me, gracious nmdam I if my heart 
iti-ars sympathy with yuur's in c\^y V^'-^i 
With you alike I iormw and rcjfiice, 
Appnjve your pusioa, and commend your 

choice ; 
The captive king 

QuccH. That's he ! that'i he ! that's he ! 
I'd die ten thmisnad deaths to set him free : 
fth ! Hiy Tnllanthc ! liave yon wen his facts 
ills air, lii^ ^ilmpc, Uin mien, his every grace? 
In what n charminj* altitude be stands ! 
How prettily he foots it with hi^ Imnds ! 
Well, to his arras, mi, tu his Ic^s I tlv, 
For I must h>ive bim, if 1 lire or die. [Exeunt. 

SCENE 11.—^ bal chamber. 

CanoKOsnoTOKTaoLooos atiiep. 

Roufih mufir, viz. S<ilt-Ooxet tai/i roiUng-piat 
eriil'tntnn and tonsM ; soa.'-gelJf.n' wrnsj 
aiarriKc-boncs and cteavtrt, ^c. Ac. 

[He naka. 

Oirvn. What heavenly sounds are these thas 
charm my ears ! 
Sure 'tis the music of thr tuneful sphere*. 

Enter Captain of the gnardt. 

Capt. A messenger from general Qotubarditii- 
Crav^rs instance aodience of your majesty. 
Ciron. Give liim odnuttaucc. 

Enter Herald. 

H'r. T/mg life tn Chronoahotouibologos ! 
Yutir fniihfuT ycncral, BumburJinian, 
Sends you bis tongue, transplanted in my mouth, 





To pour his soul out iu jour royal ean. 

Chron. Then use thy maste/s toogue with re- 
Nor waste it in thine own loquacity. 
But briefly, and at lar^c, declare thy message. 
Her. Suspend a-while, great Chrononhotoa- 
The fate of empires and the toils of war ; 
And iu my tent let's quaff Phalemian wine, 
Till our souls mount and emulate the gods. 
Two captive females, beauteous es-the mora, 
Submissivt! to your wishes, court your option. 
Ilastc then, great king, to bless ui with your pre* 

Our scouts already watch the wished approach. 
Which shall be welcomed by the drum s dread 

The cannon's thunder, and the trumpet's blast; 
While I, in front of mighty myrmidons, 
Receive my king in all the pomp of war. 

Chron. Tell lum I come ; ray fiying steed pre- 
Ere thon art half on horse-back I'll be there. 


SCENE IlI^A prism. Tke king of the Anti- 
podet ditcovered atUep on a couch. 

Enter QuEEK. 

Queen. Is this a place — Oh ! all ye gods 

above ! 
This a reception for the man I love i 
See in what sweet tranquillity he sleeps, 
While nature's self pt his coofinemcot weeps. 
Rise, lovely monarch ! see your friend appear, 
No ChrononhotonthoI(^os is here ; 
Command your freedom, by this sacred ring ; 
Then command me : What says my charming 

[She putt the ring in his mouthy he bends 
the ua-craK and makes a roaring noise. 
Qucm. Wliat can this mean ! he lays his feet 

at mine. 
Is this of love or hate his country's sign ? 
Ah f wretched queen ! bow hapless is thy lot. 
To love a man that understands thee not ! 
Oh ! lovely Venu s,f goddess all divine I 
And gentle Cupid, that sweet son of thine. 
Assist, assist me, with your sacred art. 
And ti'acli me to obtain this stranger's heart. 

Venut descends in her chariot^ and sings. 


Vcn. See \'cnas does attend thee. 

My ditding, niv dtilding, 
Love'b j!f>dde!»s will hi friend thee, 

Lilly bright and shiiiee. 
With pity and compassion, 

My dilding^ my doldif^ 

She sees thy tender panioo^ 
Lilly, &c da capo. 


To thee I yield my power divine, 

Dance over uie lady Lee. 
Demand whate'cr thou wilt, 'tis thiae^ 

My gay lady. 
Take this magic wand in hand, 

Dance, &a 
Alt the world's at diy commandr 

My gay, &c. da capo. 

Cupid dacendSf amd tingt, 

Arc you a widow, or are you a wife/ 

Gilly 6ower, gentle roaemary. 
Or are you a maiden, so fair and lO biigbt ? 

AsUie dew that flies orec the mulbeny 
Queen. Would I were a widow, as I am a wife ! 

Gilly flower, &c. 
But I'm, to mv sorrow, a maiden as bri^i^ 

As tne dew, he 
Cupid. You shall be a widow before k is uglit, 

Gilly flower, Uc. 
No longer a maiden so fair and ao bright. 

As the dew, &c 
Two jolly young husbands joor person Ml 

Gilly flower, &c. 
And twenty nne babies all lovely and Cur, 

As the dew, Mc- 
Queen. O thanks, Mr Cnpid! for tins jMt 
good news, 

Gilly flower, &c. 
What woman alive wontd sutdi finourt refme? 

While the dew, &c. 
[Venus atid Cupid re-ascend ; the queen got* 

off, and the king of the Antipodes J4- 

tows, walking on M hmn<k. 

SCENE IV.— BoHBARDiNiAii's teai. 

King and BouBAADtjiiAii at a table, with tw« 

Bom. This honour, royal sir, ao royaluet 
The royalty of your most royal action^ 
Tlie dumb can only utter furth your prais*; 
Fur we, wlA> speak, want words to CeUoor iDenh 

Here ! fill the goblet with Phaleraiaii wine, 
And, while our monarch drinks^ bid the ahritt 

Tell all the c^ods, that we propinc their healthi 

King. Hold, Bombardiiiian ! I esteem it 6^ 
With so much wine, to eat a little biL 

Bom. See that the table iustaoUy be spread 







With all that art ud nalore c«n prodace. 
Travcrw from pole to pole ; sati round the 

Brine trcnr euable that can be eat : 
The bog Am cat, though all nutikiml be starv- 

CeoL I am afraid his majesrv will be sinned, 
Ixfbre I cm run r<iiiiid the world, for a dinner ; 
bpjileti wher*'s tlw money f 

King. Ha ! do«t thou prattU;^ contumncious 
«Inrp ? 
GuanU, acixe the viiUm ! brnil him, fry hiu), stew 

Oanelvea shnll cat him ntit of mere rcventic. 

CowJL O, pray your majesty, Bpant my life ; 
dwfv's Mmr nice trohl purk iit tlic pantry: I'll 
bMh it lor yuiir iitMjoty in a miiiutr. 

Chfon. Re liirm lir»[ ha^ihcd in hell, audncions 
slave ! 

JKitU hint, and turns to BoMiiAKDrvtAN. 
pork ! UkiII ChruniHiliu{iitiltH>ti>^09 
Be fed with 9wine\ Ilc»li, and at «ecund-tt»iid ? 
N<nv, by the gods ! thou dn->x insult tis, general .' 
BiNH. ITie eiids cau witnc»», tliitt I tittle 
Yoor maje^T to other flc^ than this 
Had aagbt tbe least propensity, 

[PwHtt to the ladiet. 
King, Is lhi« a dinner for a hitn^y monarch? 
Ann. Uooarcfas as great as Cbronoohotontbo- 

Hare mode a rory ticarty mcnl of worw. 
King. Un ! Tmitor f dost ihou brave mc to 
my teeth ' 
Take ibu reward, aod Icaro to mock tliy mnAter. 

[Striken Mm. 
Bam. A blow ! »liaU Drjinbardiuinn lakr a 
Blu!h '. Dhisik. thoa sun ! Start bock, thou rapid 

ocean ! 
HiUi* mle»! aeai! tnountaiiu ! all commiting, 

Ami into cliooi pulrerixe the world ; 
Fur Uombordiiuan has rccei\-ed o blow, 
AiKi ChrtmonhotODtbologo* ehall die. [ Dram. 
[TV BMIWM run off crifing, Helji, Mnr- 
dtr, ire. 
Ki»f:. U'hat mran« the traitor? 
B OM. Tnuinr, in tby teeth ! 
Tboi I dei'v thee ! 

[T/trv fight : he kiHt the king. 
Ha ! WluU have rdii)c> 
Ca, coU a comdxy and let n cooch be called ; 
And let tbo nrna that (-r1I» tt be iKc caller; 
Arnl, in hi« coUinK, let him nothina call, 
But coach ! coach ! coach ! Oh f for a coach} 

ye gods! 

I Krit raving. 

Heturtu uilh a D<Klor, 

How (*TV» your mftjwty? 

i>oc. My lorrf, he's df&d. 
Bom. Ha! dead! iinpiissihle ! it cannot 1>e ! 
f would not believe it, tbou)ch liim^lf tthould 

sHi'i\r it. 
Go,jO]ii hi^ body to l)if> <toul He;njn, 
Or^ by this, lii^ht, thy soul shall quit itiy bnriy ! 
Uiic. My loni, he's for beyond ihu power of 
phyMC ; 
His soul has left his body, and this world. 

Bum. Then go to the utlicr world and fetch iC 
back. [KilU hiti. 

And, if I find thmi triflcst with me (iicre, 
I'll cliose thy shade tbruiicb mvriadfi of orbs, 
And dri»-e tlicr far beyond tlic verge of iiutiirc. 
Ila! Call'sl titou, Chronoohotonthnlti^iii? 
t come ! y>/ur faithful Bombnrdiniuu cijme»! 
lie comes, in worlds unknown, to mukc new 

And gain thcc empires numcroui as the stars. 


Enter Qtrr.EM ami othrrw. 

Altti. O horrid ! horrible ! and borridest hor- 
ror ! 
Our kine ! our general t our conk ! oar doctor ! 
All Head! stone dead ! irrcvf>cably dead I 

Oh I [Ait gronn, a tmgattf groan. 

Queen. My husband dead ! Yc gods ! What 
is't you mean, 
To mnkc a widow of a virj;in queen ? 
For, to my great nii^afortuue, he, poor king, 
Has left roe so; is not that a wrctcbed thing? 
Tat. Why, then, dear mndnm ! moke no far- 
ther poihcr. 
Were I your majesty, I would try another. 
Qeeen. I think 'tis best to fallow thy udvtcc. 
Tat. I'll fit you wirli a hukLuud ii> a trice : 
Here's R(gdum-r<iiinidos a proper man; 
If any one chii plnnc a queco, he can. 

Rig. Ay, that L can, and please your ma)e«ty. 
So, ccfCinouiei apart, k-t us proceed to busuirss. 
Quern. Oh ! but the muumiDg takes up all 
my care ; 
I am nt a tuss what kind of weeds to wear. 

Hig. Never tnlk of mourning, madam. 
One ounce of mirth is worlb a pound of sorrow. 
Let US bed to-night, and Ojcn we'll »cd to-mor- 
I'll make thee n great maOf my little Phosco- 
phorny. \Tu Ainr. aujr. 

AldL I scorn yoar bonnty ; Hi be king, or no- 
Draw, miscreant ! draw ! 

Rig, No, »ir, Dl take the law. 

[Rum hvhind thn Queen. 
Queen. Well, gentleiucn, to make tile matter 
ni bare you both ; and thai^ I liope will pleasf 

And DOW, Tatlauthe, Uwu art all my oro; 




Where shall I find thee wadi anodier pair? 
Titj that you, who*Te serred 00 long 00 well, 
Should die a vir^, and lead apes in hdL. 
Choose for yoonelf, dear prl, our empire round, 
Your portion is twelve hundred tbonsand poutkL 
jUdL Here ! take Oiese dead and bloody corpse 

Make prmaralioa for oar wedd in g-diy. 

Instead of sad solemnity, and falad^ 

Our hearts shall swim in claret, and in sack. 

f Krrwtf omwfc 


OiTUVB, a young barrister, in love with Ae- 


MicKwoaH^ ujtcU ani/ guardian to Armclla. 
SinsuLt, m country 'iquirtt intcndtd for Ak- 

SLitOQ^ KTMRf to Caylove, an arfhfelloK. 
Blitbdu, tcTTHtnt to Sapskvll, cioKn. 


Abbella, iviere to Muckworh> in hoe with 

CoitD8.u»ii, Act maidj a pert (me. 

Setnt—A country viUage. 


%£NE L — An opaWmffU m Mdckwobn's 

£ffr<r AXRELLA dfUf COMBRUSn. 
AIR. — Set btf SlCXtOR PoilPOBA. 

ir. GcKTLc Cupid ! sedc mjr lover, 
Waft « thouHuid whs from mc ! 
All nnp tender Tears itiscorer, 

Bid him Jiftsic !- — 
O bid him ba*ce, &od set me free ! 


Cm. Us'iun! 

Ar. No iwwa from Cajlovc jet? 

Cm. Nnt K little, rna'tim. 

Ar. It quite dtitracts mc t 

Cfl«. And otry Ijody else, tnn'iun ; for when 
T^oue out of humour, oiu- may as u-ell hfi out 
*' tlie wofldL Well, tJui love 19 a htnugu thing ; 

when once it gets possession of n voui^ laAy'n 
heart, it turns her hpari quite taps)*-tijnry, and 
makes Iht out of bumuur with every body ■ 
I'm burc [ have reason to say »o. 

Ar. Prithee leave your noDseose, Rod tell me 
somethiiig of Caylote. 

Com. All I can icU you, ma'am, is, that be is 
atark staring mad, for lore of you. But this con- 
founded uncle of yours 

Ar. What of him? 

Com. Una just rcceircd news of tbc arrival of 
a ricti country !»quiro out of York&hirc ; -wbkh 
country Mjuire is cut out for your husband. 

Ar. They that cut a busbund out for mt, ahaU 
cut him out of better stuiT, I assure you. 

AIR— /a vain, dear Ckloe. 

j^liall T stand iJ.ilt and tamely w^ 
Such Smitfafield burgcuns made of me ? 




Ib not my heart my own ? 
I hate, I scorn their clownish squircj 
Nor lord, nor duke, do I desire. 

But bun I love alone. 

Cota. Well Bfud, m^'am ; I lors m woman of 

AIR. — Hark away! 'tit the merry toned Aont. 

Why !^ould women so much be controuled } 
Why should men with our rights make so bold ? 
Let the battle 'twixt sexes be tried, 
W^ stiall soon prove the strongest side. 

Tlien stand to your arms, 

And uust to your charms. 

Soon whining and pining, 

The men wilf pursue; 

But if Ypu grow tame. 

They'll but make you their game, 
And prove perfect tyrants 

If once they subdue. [£reunt. 

SCENE II.— A street near the houie. 

Enter Gayiove and Slamgo. 

Cay. No way to get at her i 

Slang. The devil a bit, sir; old Muckworm 
has cut oS* all communication : But I have worse 
news to tell you yet. 

Gay. That's impossible. 

Slang. Your mistress is to be married to ano- 
tltcr, and that quickly. 

Gay. Married ! you surprise me — to whom ? 

Slang. To 'squire Sapskull, a Yorkshire geniie- 
man, ol a very great estate. 

Gay. Confusion! Can she be so false? To 
Snpskull ! I know him well, of Sapskull-Hall — 
I WHS bom within a mile and a half of the place ; 
his father is the greatest rc^e in the county, the 
very man I ain now suing for what my late bro- 
Uier mortgaged to him, when I was student at 
Cnmbridge. Is he not content to withhold my 
right from me, but he must seek to rub me of the 
only happiness I desire in life? 

AIR.— The charm of Fhrirnl 

My charming Anibetl, 

Vo make thee mine secure. 

What would not I endure ! 
^is past the power of tongue to tell, 
The love I bear my Arabell. 

No human force shall quell 

My pas!>ion for my dear. 

Can love be too smcere ? 
I'd sooner take of life farcwel, 
Then of my dearest Arabell. 

!■ ifaere no way to prevent this matdi 7 You were 
not used to be thus barren of invention. 

Slang. Nor am I now, tar; your humble ser- 
vant has invented already — and such a scheme ! 

Gay. How ! which way, dear Slango t 

Slang. Why thus imust personate Arbel- 

la, (with this sweet face) and yoo her ancle, un- 
der which disguises we may intercept the countrr 
'sauire, and get his credenuals; equipt with 
which 1 leave yoo to cuess the rest. 

Gay. Happy invention T Success attend it ! 

Slang. I can't say Amen, though i'd do any 
thing to serve Tuu. Do you know the result, sir r 
no less than the forfeiture of your dear liberqr. 
Have you forgot the song of Ilie Dog and tbo 

AIR^— ITAen the bright god of d^. 

Whoe'er to a wife 

Is linked for his life. 
Is placed in a wretched condition : 

Tliough i^ued with her tridu, 

Like a blister she sticks. 
And death is hit only pfaysiciao. 

To trifle and toy, 

May give a man joy. 
When summoned by lOTC^ or by bean^; 

But, where is the bliia in 

Our conjugal kissing. 
When passion is prompted hj dvtj I 

The cur who possessed 

Of mutton the best, 
A bone he coold leave at his pleamre : 

But if to his tail 

Tis tied, without fail, 
He's harassed and plagued beyond met-. 

Gay. I am now of a contrary opinion ; Vim 
looks so hateful, and virtue so amiable iamy 
eye, especially as 'tis the ready rond to tnie hap- 
piness, I am resolved to pursue its paths. A !*■ 
guiar Ufa, and a good wire for me. 

AIR. — Anncer to the above $ong. 

To tie tatne tune. 

That man, who for life 

Is blest in a wife, 
Is sure in a happy condition ; 

Go things how tbejr will. 

She sticks by him still, 
She's comforter, friend, and physidan. 

Pray, where is the joy. 

To trifle aud toy. 
Yet dread some disaster from beauty f 

But sweet is the bliss, 

Of a conjugal kiss, 
Where love mingles pleasore vtith doty. 



One extraragiiat wbore, 

Shall oosl a man more, 
Tbaa twenty good mivcs wlio an saving ; 

For wivci (Sey will ^p«re, 

TliBt ih«ir children may share, 
fiut wbores are ctemully craving. 


SCENE UL—Another itrctt. 
*£a(er Sapskvll and Blcrder, staring about. 

Sap. Waiu-lcnt! what ■ mnrtil hij; place this 
MBDe Loockwi ife ! yc mun ne'er mx cud on't, 

foTBurc HouscQ u^n bouKn« folk upoo f'flk 

oat would admire wbcrc tliejr did grow- 
all of 'em. 

BiMm. Aj, master, and this is nouj;!it to what 
joo'll sec an by; and ye go tn Timer yc iiiiji) 
we pTttt hugcnus 5hi[is us tall as tiuuM-ii : Ttit-n 
yc mun fo to playhaiuen, and there be nu Icb^ 
nor flii of ihem, a hopeful cmopaiiy ; u' my run- 
■oenoe ! Tttere you'U MC your comical trage- 
dies, and your uproars, and ruratunbu6'!c-% itnj 
hear Fardinello, that sines Solfa bcttitr nor our 
tntnittff chmr men : And more nor tliat, y*e mua 
W jrour choice of the pmtiiest lusses, ye e'er sex 
e'en «a. 

S^p. By the mass, and I'll be somebody nmons: 
tbeot — So I nill— hut botv mun we find out this 
Mine air Fi'iiuriou* Muckwonn ? 

Hijin. Yc luun look to letter for that. 

Stp. Leitcr eajs, C-r-o-ft (imz-Tc-n-c-r, near 

Grm^ciicer vjiiarc; but huiv uiuii yc kiiuw 

wbcrc tbi* Mine Grmveuccr squire h f 

Biiai. Why ye mun a»k ostler fur that, lic'll 
aet^xiunjlht fur tturc : I'Vir your LiHidoii ustU-ni 
vcwiwr by half thau ourcouiitrvjustiuscs. 
S*p. Ay, BluitdcT, e*ery thing'* fine in Loti- 

AlR^Xow/on M o^ne toaa. 

O London Is a Hunty plac^ 

A great and ^illniit city, 
For all the street* arc pavtd with gold. 

And alt the folLs arc witty. 

And ther***! yoar lords and ladies fine, 

Ttiat ride in coach and aix, 
lliat niilhiiig ilriiik but claret wioe, 

And ulk. of politico 

And there's your beuux^ willi |>owderc<l 

Bedaubed from bend to chin ; 
llicir piiciet \vt\ci iitlarnvd with gold, 

Bat not iiOK suitse nitbin. 

Ami ibcn't the Eui'lish actor goes 

With iHHiiv a btin);ry belly, 
Wtulc beapi of {luld urv forced, God ivut, 

Oa aiguior f arriDeUi. 

And there's your damei^ of dainty frames, 

With &Lins OS white a» tiiilk, 
Drc«t every duy, in gnrmeots gay, 
Ufsalip, mid ol nilk. 

And if your mind be so inclined. 

Til hare tlium in your nnni. 
Pull out a liaiidaniuc purM of gold, 

Tlicy can't rositt its charms. 

Enter GayLOVEf OS MuckwoRU. 

Cav. Wulcoiuc to IjonAtm, dear !K|utre Sap- 
skull r I hope vour good father i> ivellj aud all at 
Sapsliull-hall? * 

Sap. Did ye e'er hear tlic like, Dluiidcr? Ttiis 
old geutlemau knows me as well iii I know my- 
self. [Atitit In Blu.nueo. 

Hiun. Ay, lontter, yuu Londuiiers know erory 

Guy. I bad letters of your ctiroiogf and was 
rcsolvfd to meet you. 

Sap. Pray, sir, who mny you be, an* I may be 
so bold f 

Gaff. My name, sir, is Mucksvorrn. 

Sap. What, Mr Penurious Muckworm? 

Gay. So llicy c:dl mc. 

Sap. Sir, if yourname be sir Penurious Muck- 
n-onn, my name is Samuel Sa^Mkiill,Jun. ch{. sou 
uf ail' Samuel Sitpskull, of SapskuU-ball, in tltc 
Eatt Hiding of Yurkshire. 

Gay. Sir, I nm no .itran^er to yoor family aud 
merit ; fur which reBtoii 1 xeiil fur you to luvin, 
to tnnriy my uiece widi fiOOOl. forturw, and a 
preitv t;irl iiitu ilic bari;nin. 

Blun. Look yc there, master! 

[Aiide to Bldhdeb. 

Sap. liuld ymirpeiM:e, you btocklicad ! 

[Atidt to SaP5E1i|,I.. 

Gay. But how mav I be sure, timt you are tba 
very squire Supskull I seat for? lla\-e you do 
letters no crcdentiiilii f 

Sap. Open the portinantell, Olnnder Yes, 

«ir, I ha' bmuf^ht all my tarklu with me. Here, 
iu; is a letter from father. [Gtvcs a tetter.] Ami 
here, sir, ,Brc deeds and writlni^s to shew what 
yuu muit ha' tu trust lu ; And brre, sir, i-s mar- 
riaB;c-t>ctllemeiH, stignud bv nithcr. in fit case 
youns gentlewoman and I bkc» nnv nnotlicr. 

Gay. Sir, she can't drn'tc but aduirt- no diann- 
inx u I'crsun. There is but ouc oUatacle that I 
ko')w uf. 

Slip. WliAt mav lliat be, mi I may be so bold? 

Guy. Your habit, sir ; your hnbii. 

•Sap. Why, sir, 'twa^ rouiiud wmitlnius /iue in 
our (.uuniry last purleiurnlecrin^ time. 

G'ly. O, vf, but it's old fashiuntd now, and 
my niece i(>v«« every thing to tlie ti|>-tiip -if tlie 
mode. But if you'll gfi alon^ with mc, I'U equip 
you in an instant. 




Ant-Stt hf the maitr. 

C<me BtOitTp By cpootiy ti|uif^ 
Take ftiendl j inacracttOB £7 ne ; 

The lordf «ImU adnfc 

TIt tMte in attiRi, 
The iMfaei ri»D bnBDMh for Aee. 


Such flimthifr 
And j«nnhnfr 
Such frolickinKtboa d^b see, 
Tboo De^er uke«dowi^ 
Shalt qoit Loocion xfcet loini. 
To lire in tbme own oooncrj. 

A Aiouning diili fast proTide, 
Widli little more brim than lace. 
Nine hain on a lid^ 
To a a^t tail tied. 
Will MC offdiT joUj broad face. 
Socn fiamitiiib &c: 

Go, get thee a footman's frodc, 
A co^el quite up to thj noe^ 
loen frb like a Aock, 

And nbMls thy UodE, 
And bocUethy ifaoa at thy toOL 
Snch fantai^ acd 

A braoe of bnes fav* 
To |ihawri thee AnD enife^ 
la a dMuiee and pur. 
They limU take the air, 
Aad dbon in the bos ifanlt iBitd 
Sodi flanndofr &C. 

CoBvett ti^ acres to cmh. 
And aaw thy timh cr -Cree j down, 
Who would keep Midi tra^ 
And not CDt a iuh. 
Or enjoy the delitfiti of dw town. 

Sodi Auntia^ 
And jaontin^ 
Sodi froIk&iiM; iboa Aalt lee, 
Tboo ne'er bke a down 
Shall quit LondoD sweet town. 
To live in dnne own coontry. 



SCENE I^-^ji apartment. 
Emter Abbella and Combbcsh. 

AIB Set Jy tke euthor. 

Art. Id ram yon mentioo pleanre. 
To one coof u&ed like me, 
Ab, what is wealth or treastir^ 
Conpared to liberty f 

O thoo, for whom I laogniih. 
And dost the nme fw me, 

Retiete a viripn's anguish. 
And set a captive free. 

Enter Hdckwobm. 

AfarA. Come, there's a good ^rl, don't be 
in the pouts, now. 

Com. I think it's enough to put any yooi^ la- 
dy in the pouts, to deny her the man she likes, 
find force her to marry a ^reat looby Yorkshire 
tike. In sbc»t, sir, my mistress don't like bim, 
and won't have him. Nay, I don't like him, 
and tell yoa flat and plain she shan't hare him. 

Muck. Shan't bare him, Hre Scuup-Dragon ! 

Com. No, dnn't hare luni, ar ; if I were die, 
J would see who should fotct me to marry a- 
gainst my will. 

Muck. Was ever sudi an impudent hoiqr ! 

But rU send you padiii^ Get oat of my bouse, 
you saoCT banage ! 

Arb. Sir, thon^ you have the care <^ my es- 
tate, you have no command over my servants :—r 
I am your ward, not your slave ; if yon use me 
thus, youll constrain me to chwe another goar- 

MiuiC [Aside.] A grp*? • *^ taught her 
this cunning t I must hasten this match, or lose 
lOOOl. by the bargain. [DjAbb.] Wbatafaostle 
is here with a peevish love-sick girl ! Pray> diild, 
have yoa learnt Cupid's catMfaism? Do yon 
know what love is ? 

Arh. Yes, sir 

AIB.— &< fry rAe nfAor. . 

Lore's a ^otle generous paMDon, 
Source of all sablime m'ight^ 

When, wiUi mutual iodinaticHi, 
Two fond hearts in one unite. 

What are titles, fnmp or ikfaes, 
If compared with true content f 

That false joy which now bewitdies, 
When obtained we may rqwnt. 

Lawless passion brir^ relation. 
But a chaste and txmstant love> 

Is the glfmous emulation. 
Of the bliafal state above; 






£ii(«r a Servant. 

Ser. Sir. oue sqoire $««pskull, out of York- 
ahin, dnim to tpvnk wittt yuu. 

Almrk. I 5fn f^ttd bc'k come — desire him to 
walk in. 

[Servant :roet out,mndrtturnsmith Git- 
(ovr, i/rrtnc</ in S\rsKV\.i''» cloihvt. 
G«v. Sir. wC jtour nnme be tir reuuriou^ 

Murk. Sir, I h»vc nn other; mnjr I crave 
yoar* f 

Gajf. Samuel SapskuH, jun. ciq. at jrour lorti- 
ship'* jcrviL-e. 

Mm^k. A 9vrj mnnocrly, tOMrmrillv viutS, ami 
■ cnnielv one, I n^vurc yoti. [ To Ahrklla. 

G«v I'riiy, Mr, an' I nwv lir «» (»«I(f, wliicti of 
thewD two pretty buses i» your niece, aad my 
wife, that iniiii be ? 

Ar. WtKit ■ bnile is thi* * BrCorc J wnnld 
hwe »och n viretcU lor a hii>buml, I would die 
ten thnnsiind dcntliii, 

Stvek. Whirh do TiHi lihe be«C, sir? 

Cay. Murry, nn' I were to ebti^e, t would take 
tbein UkIi. 

iSmtk. Vcrv cnortlf, indeed. I 5ec the iiquire 
ia a waig. 

Cm*^ Birth ! ril avtirc ^ou, oauev-bm ! tbc 
»onc is ttM good for you. 

AIR-— Gi//y:/lowiT, ;mt/r nifeiwary. 

Whv hnw nnir, sir Clown, rlott set up for a 

»nt ? 
Oilly-flimer, centle rowinnrv : 
If Ik re ynn ^mld wed V'hi ure eertninlv bit, 
As ibe (ieiv it llies ttvcr th« mullwrry tri-c. 

Jf wirh a fine Indv to wife y«in sbfiuld take, 

Gill\-rt.iinT, i:L-nile m*euiufy'- 

Ywu- heart, bead, and born*, fthall a^ certaJnlv 

As ihe dew it (lies o»er the mulberry tree. 

_ Jtfarfc. InmSbTahle HKuraoce ! nifront o ^rii* 
I in Bjr houw ! Nertr mind brr, sir ; %\\v'n 
I of my niecv ; onlv n pert sbit nf a chuntber- 

t»«y, A rliambcr-jwic!^— -Lord, Lord, bow 
■tte fou keep your maidei>« here in Londmi I 
WuKent. alive as fine as our lady iuay<>ri'<»s. 

tbuk- AVi hor rtiistreft!* »|>i>ils her; but ful- 
■* me, Mr, mid I'll w.-irniiit yuu^ w«*ll manage 
W, ud htf mucrcM» too. 

ASSU—Set &y the attlhor. 

C«f. I am in iruih, 

A citiuitry ^tiulh, 
Uauactl (o lUinJoii fa«luon*; - 

t tirttjc gaidM^ ^^^^h 

And itill prcsidrs, 
O'er nil ray itcpx and ftassioosi 

No courtly leer. 

But all sincere, 
No bribe shall ever blind me ; 

If you can like 

A V'ork&bire like. 
An bunc«t Ind you'll find me. 

I'linni^h Envy's lungue, 

With tiluidcr hunii:. 
Does lift bely our oiuiity ; 

No men on enrih, 

Boast invaior worth. 
Or mnre extend their bountyi 

Our norlliem breeze, 

\N ith usimrees 
And d»c3 Tor business fit us; 

In public carcSf 

In love's afliiin, 
With honour we acfjuit us. 

A nohle mind. 

Is ne'er cuiiliiicd 
To BnT ^hirc, or oiiiton ; 

He zrtins mnsi prRisCi 

VVbri Iic5t ili^iilnys 
A geiienius educutiun. 

While rancour rouls. 

In ii.irri>w souls. 
By n-jrfdw views diwemin^ 

Tlie tridy wise 

Will unly prize 
Good manners, sense, nnd leaniin^. 

yAll thi» time OaYtoVE doet Ms nhmikt to 
difcorrr httnsflf to ARnrt.i.A, but the 
turntfrom him, and Kont underttand 


Gay. Well, nn ye wunna see, I cannot help (L 
Go Ml-bve to ye, forjujoth; in the mean lime, here's 
n piiiHT with hoinetliing in it that will dear yonr 
ladyship*!) ey«-»isbt. 

[Thiva's don-n letter, and crit tmll'mg. 

Ar. W nat ran ihe fn«l uitflu } 

Comb. [TakiHg up the feller.] Mndnm, as I 
live, lirre» a letlir from Mr OayUi»'C ! 

Ar. Tbii is Miqtniiitii!. [Snatchei the tetter, and 
read*.] ' 'I'houiili riiis di^icoinc i» put on to blind 
* )ild Muckwinmi, I hitpo ii will not cunceni froni 
' my dear Arbclln, the person ot her ever ctmstant 


Blind fnol ibut I was ! I could tear my eyes out ! 

L'omh. bird, mud JIM ! who t<>e deuce could hav« 
LiHMJtbt it hnd Urn Mr t;iiY'"ve? 

Ar. Mold your pnitllc ! t ba»e prenl hopes of 
this entcrpri'ie. JKinrver; it a&me4 a pMKi (nee 
with it ; but, \« briber it succeedft or no, I muitt. 
luvc the dear mau, that ventures so banl fur mj 




AIR.— Set by the author. 

That man, who best can danger dare, 
Is most deservii^ of the fair; 
The bold and brare we women prize; 
Hk whining slave we all demise. 

Let coxcombs flatter, cringe, and He, 
Pretend to languish, pine, and die ; 
Such men of words my scoru shall be ; 
The man of deeds is the man for me. 

Comb. My mistress is eudrely in the right on't. 

AIR. — I had a pretty laUf a tenant of my oan. 

The man that ventures fairest, 
And furthest for my sake, 
With a fal, la), h^ && 

The soonest of my purse. 
And my person shall partake. 
With a fal, lal, la> &c. 

No drowsy drone diall ever 

A conquest make of me. 
But to a lad that's clever. 

How civil could Ibei 

With a fal, lal, la, &c. 

[Exit Comb. 


Enter Sapseull, dre$t a-la-mode de petit maitref 
Blunder in a rich livery, tcitk his hair tucked 
lip, and pondered behind. 

Biun, Mess, master, how 6ne ye be ! marry, 
believe me, an ye were at Sapskull-hall, I dare 
My, sir Samuel himself would hardly know ye. 

iSop. Know me ! marry, I don't know myself 
— [Surveying hinue/f.] — I'm so fine : And thou 
art quite another sort of a creature, too. — [Tumi 
Blunder about.] — Well, talk what ye list of 
Yorkshire, I say there's nought like London ; for 
iny part, I dont care an I ne'er see the face of 
Si^kull-hall agen. 

jBlund. What need ye, an ye getten 60001. 
with young geutlewomanf besides, rather has 
ty'd estate fast enough to ye.' ■ ■ An I were as 
Te, Fd e'en bide here, and lire as bfty as the 
pest o* 'em. 

Enter a Servant^ well dreaaed. 

Ser. Gentlemen, I com^ from nr Penurious 
Muckworm. I am his servant, and wait on pur- 
pose to conduct you to Mrs Arbella^ apartment. 
. Sap. Servant V Wauods, why, you're finer nor 
your master! 

Ser. 0, sir, that's nothing in London. [Exeunt. 

SCENE VI.— An apartment. 

Slango representing Arbella, Servant intro* 
dating Sapskull and Blunder. 

Sap. Well, forsooth, you know my bunneas; 
few words are best among friend > la it a 

march, or no? Say ay, and I'll second you. 

upon me ! 

Sap. I means to be quicker yet, ay marry, and 
make thee quick, too, before 1 ha' done with 

Slango. I protest, sir, you put me to such a 
nonplus, I don't know what to say. 

Sap. Ne'er heed ; parson shall teach thee what 
to say. For my part, I ha' con'd my lesson afor^ 

Slango. But will you lore me i 

Sap. Love thee ! Lord, Lord, I loves thee bet- 
ter than I does my bay filly ! did ^u ne'er see 
her, forsooth? Od, stie's e dain^ bt, and sure I 

am 1 loves her better nor I do nown father. 

Blunder, run and fctrh a parson. 

Slango. Mr Blunder may save himself that 
trouble, sir ; I have provided one already. 

Sap. Why, then, let's make haste, dear sweet 
honey; for I long till it's over. [£raiaf. 


Enter Oaylove and Aebella. 

AIR.— &/ by the author. 

Gay. Thou only darlii^; I admire. 

My hearts delight, my soul's denre I 
Possessing Uiee, I've greater store, 
Than king to be of li^ia's ^ore. 

For every woman were there three. 
And in the world no man but me, 
I'd single you from all the rest. 
To sweeten life, and make me Uest ! 

Ar. Well, I never was so deceived in my Efe ! 
How could you clown it so naturally? 

Gey. What is it I would not do for your dear 
sake f But, I intreat you, let's lay liold of this 
opportunity, and put it out of fortune's power 
ever to divide us. 

Ar. What would you hare me do? 

Gay. Leave all to me. I have left Combroah 
to amuse your uncle, while a fellow-coltegiate of 
mine, who is in orders, waits in the next room 
to finish the rest 

Ar. Do what you will with me : For, in shorty 
I don't know what to do with mvself. 




AlUv— TW nifmph that untiitet mt 

Ari. Let firnH**« mad coquettes ilicir intcnBons 

ooneeol ; 
Witfa prirlPf and with pleuure, the truth I 

icvctil ; 
YouW all 1 can nish, ant] nit I (le»tr«; 
So fixed u my nattiP^ it ne'er con expire. 

Gay. Let mkc4 ood libertines rcrel and ran^e : 
Pofacsned of such treasure^ what inonni 

wunid change; 
You're the soarcc of m; hopns, the spring 

A (ountaiB of blisa thai nuver can cloy. 

AIR^fiy Mr Handel 

Gatlovc wui AaaEtLA together. 

How tran^portif^ n the pleasure. 
Whet] two heart« like our'« unite ! 

Wheu our fondness knows imj measure, 
And DO boaods our dror delight. 


£nt<r MvcKWOEH antf CoMBKt;9B. 

Mmrk, Well, 1 foniivc vou : Tlits last action 
tat made amends for all. I find a cliambcr- 
Mid 14 pnme minititer in malrimnnial a^iiirii 
• Ami vou say, they arc quite loving ? 

Comh. Pond, fond, ^r, at two turtles ! But I 
\tf% fou nrmild nnt diittirh them. 

Mack. By 00 incain; l«t them have their love 
Mt, pretty foots ! I shall be glad, howerer, to 
W toros of their little r<H)dneflset: But tell mc 
lefiotnly, hovr do v-iu like the 'dquire i 

Com. Oh ! of all things, &ir; and so docs mr 
■uttma, I assure you. 

Afacft. How tliat sciMindrel Gaylove will be 

Cm6. Hell b« ready to hang himself — nhout 
W aedc [JitVe- 

iSiuk. Theyll mnke haltods upon him. 

Cmft. I have made uiic already, and will sing 
itif lou please. 
Sluk. With all mj heart. 

Alft^-il ieggor got a teedlt^ 

Thtrt was a oerum usurer, 

He had a pretty niece> 
Wak courted by a banister. 

Who was bcr doating piece. 
liar ancle, to prevent the aaiM, 

Did all that in hiin lay ; 
Fur which he*& very much to bhune, 

Ai alt good people tay. 

A countjy 'squire wai to wed 
This fair aod dainty dame ; 

But such contraries in a bed. 
Would Ih. a inunsirous shane : 

To see n l&dy bright vnd nay, 
Of fortune, ami iifchanns. 

So •ihatucfully Ire tbrowo fewaj, 
Into a looby's arms. 

Tlic lovers, thui distracted. 

It M:t ihem OD a pUn ; 
WItlcrh Intelv hiu been acted. 

And .^Sall I tell you what? 

Tlie centleman dis!;u''**'d himself 

IJke to the otuntry '^uirc. 
Deceived the old mischievniis elf, 

And gnt his tinu-t's desire. 

Muck. T don't like this song. 
Comb. Tlicn you don't like tnitli, sir. 
Murk. Wliiii ! d'ye mean to affront me? 
durtb. Would you have mc tell a lio, sir? 
Muek. GA out of ray hou^c. you basi^agc! 
Comb. I onlv star to take my niialrcss nitb 
ntc ; and icc, here she comes. 

Enter Gaylove and Aebglla. 

Muck. So, mr; you have deceived me: Uit 
I'll provide you a weddiD{;-9uit; a fiue long Chau- 
cery suit, before ever you touch a penny of bcr 

Gaif. Sir, if you dnre embezzle a furthiitjr, I'll 
pruvitlf vou with a more Inking i;armenl ; a m* 
rioui stone doublet : You have met with your 
matrb, nir; I have ftudied the law, ay, and prac- 
itw'i) it tnu. 

Muck. 'Vhe devil take you aod the law toge- 

E«*fr 8.tPftKt.'it.,SiikNCO, and Dlu.sdei. 
Hpy^ny ! Who tn the name of wonder have we 
got ln:re? 

Grttf. Only aquire SnpbkuU, his bride, and boo- 
hily man. 

Slang. Come, inv dear ! hold up ymir head 
like n luaii, and let diciu see what an elegant 
hui^lmnd I have t^. 

Blun. Ay; and let them iCc tvlnt a dainty 
wife my master has gotten. 

Sap. Hure'i a pnwcr nf Que folk, sweet honey 
wife ! pmv. who may thev be ? 

Slang. 1riii>K hir, is »ir I^enurioas MuckMonu. 

Snp. No, hitney ! I fear you are muitakrn. 
Sir Fcnurious is au<nhcr guiite Mrt of a man; 
no I mistake not, tte's more liker yon same gen- 

htun. Av> so he is, ma&ter. 

Slang, 'that same gentleman was sir Penu- 
rious .Muckworm Mime time ago, but now he's 
chitnged to George Gaylbve, esquire. 

Gif/. At your service, rir. 

&I/J, .\nd who's yoQ hue lady ? 

Gay. My wile, sir, aod that worthy kiught^ft 




Sap. Your nifie, and dut worth; VnightTs niece ? 
why, who a mutrain bave 1 gotten, then i 

Gay. My man^ Slango ; and I wish yon much 

joy - 

Sap. Your man Slango ! wha^ have I married 
a man, then i 

Slango. If ^ou don't like me, my dear, we'll 
be divorced this minute. 

Sap. My dear ! a murrain take such dears ! 
Where's my writings i Til ha' you all hanged for 

Gay. You had better hang yourself for a fool. 
Go home, child, go home, and learn more wit. 
There's your deed of a settlement ; but, as for the 
writings, they happen to be mine, and kept frau- 
dulently from me by your father, to whom they 
were mortgaged by my late brother. The estate 
has been dear these three yean. Send prour fa- 
ther to me, and I'll talk to him. This w tit for 
tat, young gentleman ! Your father wanted to 

get my estate from me, and I havetgot the wife 
e intended for you. All's fair, ur. 
Muck. I say all's foul, and a damned cheat ! 
and so I'll make it appear. [Exit in a rage. 

Gay. Do your worst, wr; you can't unmarry 

AIR.— &J by the author. 


Now fortune is past its severest, 
M^ passion, of mortal's sincercst. 
Kind Heaven has repaid in my dearest ; 

What gifts can it greater bestow ? 
Gi^. True love shall, through destiny, guide us, 
Still ccmstant, whatever betide us, 
There's nothing but death shall divide us, 

So &ithful a fondness we'll show. 

Both, By Cupid and Hymen united. 
By danger no longer affiighted, 
We'll live in each other deluhted. 
The grei^test of blessings below. 

Sap. What mun I do? I mun ne'er tee father's 
face again. 

Gay. Never fnar, squire ; HI set att to rigbts; 
thuugh ynur father's my enemy, I'm not yours : 
My hoube shall be your home, till I have recon- 
ciled you to vour father ; and, for the honour of 
Yorkshire, I'll see you shan't be abused here. 

Sap. Say ye so, sir ? then I viish you much joy 
with ail my heart ! 

BluH. Ay, and so does Bluniler, too. 

Sap. Well, sin I see yon be so happy in a wif^ 
I'll not be lung without one, I assure you. 

Gay. You can't be happier than 1 wish you. 



AIIU-5ef by the author. 


Come leam by this, ye bachelors. 

Who lead unsettled lives. 
When once ye come to serious tboi^h^ 

There's nothii^ like good wives. 

Come leam by this, ye maidens fur|- 

Say I advise you well, 
You're better in a husband's arm^ 

Than leading apes in belL 

A batchelor's a cormorant, 

A batchelor's a drone. 
He eats and drinks at all men's cost, 

But seldom a,^ his own. 

Comb. Old maids and fusty batchelors, 
At marriage rail and lower. 
So when the fox could'n't reach the papeii 
He cried, they all were sour. 

OmfWf. Old maids, &c, 

[Exeunt muL 







Tn KniG. 
Tbe Millee. 

RiciAmo, the Milkt't im^ attached to Fcggt. 
LoKD LuBEWEit, a amrtier. 
Cmrtiert gmd Keepen ofthejorttt. 


PEOOT, ledured by Lord Lcrbweli. 
Margery, the Mtller't wife. 
Kate, tht ilUier'$ daughter. 

Seene—Sherwood Forest, 


SCENE t— Sherwood Forest. 

Enter several Courtiers^ at lost. 

\st Comr. Tis horrid dark ! and this wood, I 
bdieve, bas neither eod nor side. 

Mk CoKr. You mean to get oat at, for we hare 
faiod one in, you see. 

%i Comr. I wish our good king Harry bad kept 
Marer home to bunt ; in my mind, the pretty 
bme deer in London make much better sport 
thaa the wild ooes in Sherwood forest. 

id Cour. I can't tell which way his majesty 
went, DOT whither any body is with him or not ; 
bat let OS keep together, pray. 

itk Cour. Ay, ay, like true courtiers, take care 
oToarselTes, whatever becomes of our master. 

2d Cour. Well, it's a terrible thing to be lost 
in tbe dark. 

4tk Cour. It is. And yet it's so common a 
case, that one would ntrf think it should he at all 
■o. Why we are all of us lost in the dark every 
day of oor lives. Koaves keep us in the dark by 
^icir cimoiiig^ ud fools by tbeir ignorance. Di- 

vines lose us in dark mysteries ; lawyers in dark 
caws; and statesmen in dark intngues. Nfty, 
the light of reason, which we ao mui-h boast of, 
what is it but a dark lanthorn, which just serve* 
to prevent us from runninje our nose against a 
post, perhaps ; but is no more able to lead us out 
of the dark mists of error and ienorance, in which 
we are lost, than an ignis Jatuus would he to 
conduct us out of this wood. 

Ut Coar. But, ray lord, this is no time for 
preaching raethinks. And, for all your morals, 
iday-ti^ht would be much preferable to this dark- 
ness, I believe. 

3d Cour. Indeed would it. But come, let ns 
go on ; we shall find some house or other by and 

4M Cour. Ct)nie along. [£reuRf. 

Enter the Kino. 

King. No, no; this can be no pnbtic road, 
that's certain : I am lost, quite lost indeed. Of 
what advantage is it now to be a king ? Night 
shews me no respect : I (;annot see better, nor 




walk so well as another man. What is a king? 
Is he not wiser than another man f Not without 
his cDonsellorSr I plainly find. Is he not more 
powerful ? I oft have been told so, indeed ; but 
what now can my power coinmand ? Is he not, 

freater, and more magnificent i When seated on 
is thrune^ and sarrounded with nobtei and flat- 
terers, perliaps he may think so ; but when lost 
in a wood, alas I what is he but a common man ? 
His wisdom knows not which is north, and whidi 
is south ; his power a beggar's dog would bark 
at; and lus greatness the neggar would not bow 
to. And yet, how oft are we puSed up with these 
false attnbutes ? Well, in losing the monarch, I 
have fonnd the man. 

[TAe report of a gun it heard. 
Hark ! some villain sure is near ! What were it 
best to do f W^ill my majesty protect roe ? No. 
Ilirow majesty aside, then, and let manhood do 

Enter the Millbb. 

Mil. I believe, I hear the rogue. Who's 

King. No rogue, I assure you. 

Mil. IJttle better, fricnc^ I believe. Who 
fired that Kun? 

King. Not I, indeed. 

Mil. You lie, I believe. 

King. Lie ! lie ! how strange it seems to me, 
to be talked to in this style. [ Jjufe.] Upon my 
word, I don't. 

MiL Come, come, Mrrah, confess; yon have 
shot one of the king's deer, have not you i 

King. No, indeed ; I owe tlie king more re- 
spect. X heard a gun go oS, indeed, and was af- 
fraid some robbers might have been near. 

Mil. I'm not bound to believe tliis, friend. 
Prav who are you? what's your name? 

King. Name \ 

Mil. Name ! yes, name. Why you have a 
name, have not you ? Where do you come from? 
What is your business here ? 

King. These are questions 1 have not been used 
to^ honest man. 

Jtfi/. May be so ; but they are questions no 
honest man would be afraid to answer, I think. 
So, if you can give roe no better account of your- 
self, I shall make bold to take you along with me, 
if you please. 

King. With you ! what authority have you 

MiL The Ung's aothoribr, if I must give you 
an atxount, sir. I am John Cockle, the miller of 
Mansfield, one of his majesty's keepers in this 
forest of Sherwood; and I wilt let no suspected 
fcUow pass this way, that cannot pve a better 
account of himself than you have done, I pro- 
mise yon, 

King. I most submit to mj own authori^. 

[iliufe.] Very well, tar, I am glad to hear the 
kii^ has so good an officer; and since I find yoo 
have his authori^, I will give you a better ao* 
count of myself, if yon will do me the fftvour to 
bear it 

Jlfi7. I^s more than yoa deserr^ I bdieve; 
but, let's hear what yoa can say for yooradf. 

King. I have the hmioor to belong to dw 
king, as well as you ; and, perhaps, should be as 
unwitlii^ to see any wrong done faim. I cane 
down with him to hunt in this forest and, the 
chase leading us to-day a great way frvm bone, 
I am benighted in this wood, and nave loit mj 

MiL This does not sound well ; if you have 
been a-hunting, pray, where is your hone i 

King. I have tired my horse, so that he lay 
down under me, and I was obliged to leave him. 
Mil. If I thoui^t I m^ht b^eve this now. — 
King. I am not used to lie, Ixmest man. 
MiL What ! do you live at cour^ and not lie? 
that's a likely story, indeed ! 

King. Be that as it will, I speak truth now, I 
assure you ; and, to convince you of it, if yon 
will attend me to Nottingham, if I am near it, or 
give me n night's lodging in your own house, here 
IS something to pay you for your trouble^ and if 
that is not sufficient, I will satisfy you in the 
morning to your utmost desire. 

MiL Ay^ now, I am convinced, you are a coQr* 
tier; here is a little bribe for to-dav, and a la^ 
promise for to-roorrow, both in a iMreath : here, 
take it again, and take this along with it— — 
John Cockle is no courtier ; he can do what he 
ought without a bribe . 

King. Tliou art a very extraordinary mu, I 
must own, and I should be glad, metfaiiuci, to be 
farther acquainted with thee. 

MiL Thee ! and thou ! prithee don't thee and 
thou me : I believe 1 am as good a man as yooi^ 
seH' at leasL 

King. Sir, I beg your pardon. 
MiL Nay, I am not angry, friend; only, ( 
don't love to be too familiar with any body, be- 
fore I know whether they deserve it or not 

King. You are in the right. But what am I 
to do? 

MiL You may do what you please. Yoo am 
twelve miles from Nottingham, and all the wn 
through iliis thick wood ; but, if you are reacdred 
upon going thither to-night, I will put yoa in 
the road, and direct you, Uie best 1 can ; or, if 
you wilt accept of such poor gatc i t aiBin cnt « 
a miller can give, you shall be weloQi&e to stay 
all night, and, in the rooming, I will go with yoa 

King. And cannot you go with me to-m^i 
Mil. I Montd not go with yoa to-night, if JN 
were the kin^ 

King, llien I must go with yon, I think. 


Bods LET. 3 



SCLNE IL-^hanp't to thr loan of MantJifU. 
Dick o/om. 

Well, dear Man^rielr), I im |;UH tn sec thy face 
mg^u. But my htarl acbt»>, mriliinlts for fear 
tbi* *hoiild bo oDly a trick of tJitirs, u> (;et me 
iniD their pon-cr. YeL, tJie letter scnms to ht 
wrM« wilti an air of siiitvxilv, I onfcw; and 
the eirl wu netvt u»cd lu fie, till the kept a 
lord's QtMnpMijr. Jjel toe see, Vi\ read it once 


* Dear Richard — I urn nt Ian (thfni^ much toi 

* Iste for me) convtoced of tht in|urv doiic lo us 
' biMfa, fay dial haic nmn, wKu made mc think 
' ytm lobe, lie cuiilnvcd ttte^e lertern, ultich 1 

* send you, m utake me lliiiik. you juiit upon liii* 
' fkuiit of beiii^ luarricd to another, a 'linught I 
' could not bear witli palienre ; m, tumi'ic ni re- 
' T«<i*cr on ytKi. consented to my owu uudoiii;:. 
' But, for your own sake, I bet; vou to returu 

* tucbcr, f'u* I have unuc liopefi of beiiig able to 
'iloyuu jtiAiice, which \* tlie ontv cinuforl of 
' jrour tD<»t diatruscH, Ltui e^cr aScitiuiiate, 

• Ptoor.' 

iJmoo cheat in thi?, viro ! Tlie letters 
c, I ihirik, a priA*fnfbersJnccri»y. 
rp» To her. howOTir : I caiiuiil thioV 
Aft wdl aeaiii bpiniy me. If she lias iis much 
Cnwienievt left for xix, as, in ^pitc of her ill 
iw agf, 1 »tiil feel for her. I'm sure «lie won't. 
Lti (DC tee ! 1 am not fiir from the house, I U.-- 
btwc [Kxit. 

• SCENE m.—Changf» to c rwtm. 

Enter P&ogt anJ Phceoi:. 

Pkate. Prar, madatn, ntake yourself etuiy. 

Ptfi. Ah, PtMrte! the thai hits hm her virtue. 
laHk with it, lost her ea»e, and all her hap|liuc:^s 
BriiiTJli^ cheated fool ! to thuik him fnlv. 

Pkmtr. fie pnttent, madnm : I hone, you wilJ 
Aonlj he rerensed fxi that ilrreitful lord. 

/V^. 1 hofv 1 shall, for that were just re- 
fm^ f But. nil] rtvet)||!0 make nie Imppv * Will 
■I e«<Luse uiy falsehood ? Will it restore me to 
fca hrwt of rnv niDch iojiircd lo»c? Ah, no! 
thU hlmmiou iimorencc he umhI (u praise, niid 
■iN Ilia fTfBtest bcHuty of our uix, is ^oue ! 1 
kna DO charm left, titat might tpiicmt tliat ftamc, 
t look meh pkina to quench. 

[Kioiking al the doitr. 
*aB mheft ihen>. (J litavcuB ! 'tis lie ! Abu* ! 

<^ e*er I should be asluuncd Co atx the mun I 


rRiOHaRD, wiaHinidM Umkitig on iter at 
a lUitamcet ihe metping. 

iW. WcJl, Peggy Cbut I suppcKc you're ma- 

d^m now, in tliat fine dress), you see, you lutve 
brought till; buck ; is it to triumph in your false- 
hood? or, nm I to receive the slif;htcd IcaTings 
of your iinclord? 

Peu. O Riilianl ! after the injury I have done 
you, 1 cannot look on you wiihoot coofunoo: 
But do not think sn liaralr of mc : 1 stayed not 
to be ^littbt^d by liim ; fur, the uioiiHrot I dis- 
covered his vile plot on you, I fled his tight; nor 
cuuld lie errr prvvail to »mv me since.. 

Dkk. Ah, Peggy ! you were too ha&ty in belier- 
iii{»; and much [tear, tltc vengeance aimed at me, 
bad other rhnnns to ri-rummetid it tu yuu ; such 
hnivcry as that [PmntiNg to her clothei.] 1 had 
uo( to bestow ; but, if a tender, honest heart 
could nieaat?, you had it nil ; aitd, if I wished for 
luore, t^us fur \our sake. 

Peg. O Ilk-hard ! when you consider the wick- 
i-'d slruta)rrni he contrived, to make mc think 
you blue und deceitful. I hope you will, at 
least, pity my folly, and, in sotue measure, ex- 
cuse tny falsehood; that you will forgive me, I 
dare uot bi<iie. 

Dirk. To be forced to fly from my friend^ and 
country, fur a crime tliat 1 was innocent of, is an 
uijury iluit I cannot easily for^rc, to be sure: 
Hut, if you are lewi ^ilty of it tlrno I ihoueht, I 
shnU l>t very f^lad; and, if vour design be really, 
am you sny, to clear nic, nnn to expose the Imisc* 
ncAs of him tliat hetruyrd and ruined yuu, I will 
join with you, with all my heart. But how do you 
propose to do lhi»? 

pLfi. The kiuft is tiow in this forest a-hunling, 
nnd our Youn|> lurd ii» every day with him: Now, 
I ihiiik, if wc could take some opportunity of 
throwing ourselves at his majesty's feet, and 
cuiDpLaiiiiiu; of the injusbce of one of his cour- 
tiers, it aiiglit> pethapt, hove some efiect upon 

Dick. If we were suffered to make htm sensi- 
ble of it, pciliaps itmi^hi; hut the complaints 
iifsucli litdc f:iiks as we, seldom reach tlic cars 
of majestv. 

Feg, We can but try. . 

Dick. Wl'II, if vou will go with me to njy fa- 
ther's and stay there, till such an opportunity 
ItapjKiis, 1 sliafl belifve ynii in caroes^ and will 
join with you in your design. 

Peg. I will do' ai»y thing to comince vou of 
my tiiiicerity, and to moke natisl'actiuu fur the 
iiijiineb which bnve been done yuu. 

Ihfk. Will vou go now? 

Peg. I'll be with you m less than an hour. 


SCENE IV.—ChiMgfi to the mi//. 

Maroest and Kate hnittitig. 

Knte. O dciu- ! I would not sec a npirit for oil 
llir ivoild ! but I love dearly to htv stories of 
tiiL-iu. Well, and wliac then t 




Mar, Ad6 so ftt last, ia a dismal hollow tone, 

k cned — ■ 

[A knocking at the door ^frigktt them 
both ; thetf scream out, and tkroa dozen 
their knitting. 

Mar, and Kate. Lord bless us ! What's that f 

Kate. (> dear mother ! it's sume juHument up- 
as, I am afraid ! The; sajr, talk of the devil, and 
he'll appear. 

Mar. Kate, go and see who's at the door. 

Kate. I du(St not ^o, mother ! do vou go. 

Mar. Come, let's both go ! 

Kate. Now, don't speak as if tou was afraid ! 

Afar. No, I won't, if I can help iL Who's 

J^k. Ucithout^ Wliat ! won't you let me in ? 

Kate. O gemini ! it's like our Dick, I think : 
He's certainly dead ! and it's his spirit. 

Mar. Heav'o forbid ! I think in mjr heart, it's 
be htmuir. Open the door, Kate. 

Kate, Nay ! do you. 

Mar. Come^ well both open it 

[They open the door. 

Enter Dice. 

Dick, Dear modier ! how do you do? I thought 
you would not have let me in ! 

Mar, Dear child ! I'm overjoyed to see thee ; 
but I was so frighted, 1 did not know what to 

Kate. Dear brother, I am glad to see you ! 
bow have you done this long while ? 

Di'cA:. Very welL Kate. But where's mv fa- 

Mar. He heard a gtm go off, just now, and 
be'H sone to see who- 'tis. 

Dick. What, they love venison at Mansfield 
as wril as ever, ( suppose? 

Kate. \\ ; and thev will have it, too. 

Mit,\Without.}-liQnl Madge! Kate! bring 
a livht here ! 

Star. Yonder he is. 

Kate. Has he catched the rogue, I wonder ? 

Enter the Kiso and the Milleb. 

Mar. Who have you pot ? 

MiL I have brought theo a stranger, Kladge ; 
thou must give him a su^tper, and a lodging, if 
thou can'st. 

Afar. You have gor a better str&n>:cr uf your 
«wn, I can tell ynu : Dirk's come. 

Afi/. Dirk! Where is he? Why, Dick! Uo» 
b't, niy lad ? 

Dirk. Verv well, T thank you, father. 

King. A little more, and you had pushed mc- 

Jf(7. Faith, sir, you must excuse nic ; I wa? 
overjoyed to see my boy. He Ims been at IjOO- 
don, and I have not seen him these four years. 

King. ^Ycll, I shall once in my life have the 

happiness of being treated as a oooudod man; 
and of seeii^ human nature without disguise. 


Mil. What has brought Uiee faome lo nnet* 

Dtck. You will know ibat preaendr. 

Mil. Of that, by-and-by, then. We hnre got 
the king down in the forest a hnntii^ thia ae»- 
SOD ; and this honest geiitietnao, who came dowa 
with his majesty from London, baa been with 
them to-day, it seems, and has lost his waj^r* 
Come, Madge, see what thou can'st get for io[h 
per. Kill a couple of the best fowls ; and go 
you, Kate, and draw a ^iu:her of ale. We are 
famous, sir, at MansBeM, for good ale; and fiir 
honest fellows, that know how to drink it. 

King. Good ale will be acceptable at preset^ 
for I em very dry. But, pray, bow came year 
son to leave you, and go to London ? 

Mil. Why, that's a story which Di<^ per- 
haps, won't like to have told. 

King. Then 1 don't desire to hear it. 

Enter Kate, vitH an earthen pitcher cf ahe^ 
and a horn. 

MiL So ; now-, do you go help yoar modwri^* 
Sir, my hearty service to you. 

King. Thank ye, sir. This plain sincerity and 
freedom, is a happiness imknown to kings. 


Mil. Come, sir. 

King. Richard, my service to you. 

Dick. Iliank you, sir. 

Mil. Well, Dick, and how dost thou like Loo- 
don ? Come, tell us what thou hast seen. * • 

Dick. Seen ! I have seen the land of pro- 

Mil. The land of promise ! What dost thou 
mean ? 

Dick. The court, father. 

Mil. Thou wilt never leave Joking. 

Dick. To be serious, then, I have seeo Ae dis- 
appointment of my hopes and rxpectAioos ; and 
that's more than one would wish to see. 

MiL What I Would the great man, dboa wast 
recommended to, do nothing at all for dwe at 

Dick. Why, yes; be would promise me to the 

MiL Znons ! Do the courtiers think didr de* 
pendents can cat promises? 

Dick. No, no; they never trouble diMr beads 
til think wiieihtr we <ffit at all nr not. I have 
now ilui)|!led after his lordship several year% tai^ 
taiized with hopes and expectations; this year 
pmmised odc plare, the next another, and tbs 
third, ill sure and certain hi'pe o f a disap- 
poiLtmeiit. One falls, and it M-as promised be* 
fore; another, and I am jubt half an hour too 
Inte ; o third, and it i-top*) the mouth of a credi- 
tor ; a fourth, and it pays tlie hire of • flaUarcr; 




a fiAh, and it bribicc > vote ; anrl, the iiKth, I am 
pntmned tdlL But having thus siepi awny fu>iii' 
yva.r% I nwokF fram mv dream : my lunl, I foitml, 
was bO (»r I'roiD liuviag it in liit p<mcr u> pet n 
^lace fnr me. ti»t Ite had been nil litis whih- 
aavkiRjc afWr one for hi(ii>elf. 

MU Po«ir Uick ! And is, plain Ikine^tf, tiirn, 
• recwofnendauon to go place at court ? 

Dick. It may ri'C'immrnd you to be n foot- 
inan, pcrhapa, but otKluu^t furtlier; itatliinc t'ur- 
tittr, ludeed. ll' vou \nitk iii^her* yuti iniiTit fur- 
laah r-Miraclf with otbrrqiiulilicMUDiia ; you in\K 
Inro In *»y ny, or no; lu nin. or ^ land ; tu 
fcccfa, or cnrry. '*r leap over a »tick, ul tlie u-oril 
of CMOOMud. You inii>ii l>v uu-tci' of ilic iirto 
of Battf'rv. iiiMniuit»"ii, (liMiinul&dun.npplicniiniK 
aod — [Poimttng to Au pr^/M.J — right nppliailiuii, 
(00, (f you hope (o succm.iI. 

Ki*g. Yuu don't ctMiiider I am a courtier, ine- 

Dkk, Not I, indeed ; 'tia no oincem of mine 
what you arc. II'. in u,riivrul, niv c!iitracier ul 
the court is true, *IJ» itoi niy Tault if it's JiMtKree- 
able to your *or*liip. There arv pnniciilar c\- 
ceptioua, 1 own, and 1 h'tpc you niHV U; ihm: 

lUmg. Nay, I don't wnot tu be Haltered; »<< 
let that paao. Here's bviter mkccu to you thi 
Deit lime you come to \j.nv\m\'\ 

Da k. I thank yc ; but 1 dua't design to sec it 
■gain in haste. 

Mtl. No, no, Dick ; instead of defending np. 
OT lords' protDKcs, depend upon the labour oi' 
thiue own liand^; expect noltuii^ but whut thou 
caa*it attra, and then thou wilt not be disappoint- 

ed. Bat conM, I want a dmrriptinn of I/mdoo ; 
(hou hiut told us nothing rhou hn-4 seen ycL 

Dfck. O ! 'I'ls a tine plare ! I have ven Inr^ 
hou>es with «niail lunuiialitv ; frvAi mtti do lit- 
tic iictirin^; and froe lathes do ifrthiiiy at all. C 
li.ive M-f^n tl*e hooest hiwyers oJ' Wfitmnister- 
11)11, and the vtrluocj', inhabitants of t'ttnnce'AI- 
lev ; the politic madnwii of codec-house^ and 
the wiih: stalvsmrn of U^^dlnm. I have »ren oter> 
ry traf^dics, aud sad cumndK-s; devotion at iin 
Dpcra, and mirth nt u seniHUi; 1 Itave »ern line 
rlothcs t*t St .fniQc^'s, at>d loiif; bill; at Lud^ate- 
Intl. I hHvc M?t-n poor erundenr, nnd nch poven- 
I V ; hijfh boniHur^ ajtd low dattery ; great prirlo, 
j«k1 no merit. In short, I have seen a fool with 
;i title, a knavo with a pentiioo, and mo honeu uiaa 
Mith a thread-hare cooc Pray, how do you iika 
Lfindun f 

Mil. And is tliis the best description tJiov 
caii'«t give of k ? 

Dick. Ven. 

King. W'bjt Utcliard, you are a satirist, I 

DirA:. I love to apenk truth, sir; if that lia(>- 
^ens to be satire. I cau't h«-Jp it. 

iWiV. Well ! If this is l^indon* give ii»c my 
'-..tuncry oottai^e ; which, thoutEh it is not a j>reitt 
■oUbC, nor a tine house, is wy own house ; anil { 
CAU shew a receipt fur the buddiu; on't. UnC 
oMwr, sir, (Hir Slipper. I believe, is ready for us 
Uy this tiiite ; aud lo such ua J have, yuo're wei- 
coine as a prince. 

A'iA^. 1 Uuuik jou. [Enunt. 

SCENE l.—CAanget to the wood. 
Enter icverat kttperi. 

■ %gl Km*. Tbc report of a gun was socnewhea' 
V lki» wm, I'm sure. 

td fkerp. Yes; but I can ne»cr believe thai 

•■T body would conie a dccr>>t oiling so dark a 

aigbt aa ihi^ 

A^ Kerp. Where did tlic deer liarbour to-diiy * 

K Alh hetp. "n>e(e was a herd lay npnn llami!- 

B Bon-lull; aiiollurr, just by Rohio Hood's cluur , 

n aod a third here, in .MunMield wood. 

Ut Keep. Ay; those llicy have been nmoncst ! 
W Ktrft. lUit wr (thiUl never be able to linil 
ibew t<«-t)iKlit, *us M duik. 

M AVr/t. No, no; let's fio back B|;ain. 
la* kr*^t. Z'WOh! Voti'rc afraid of a hmlicn 
head, I suppose, if we should IJnd (licni ; niiil so 
fasl ratlKv alink baik aicain. Hark ! stand close ; 
^^^^■■r ihcni cnninig Ui» way, 

^^^B Knlre tht Courtien, 

ttt C^mr. Did ui»i you Iwtt MM«l»ody just 


now ? Futhf I heffa to be afmid we shall meet 
with some misfortune to-nit:ht. 

9tt Cowr. >Vliy, if any body should take whnt 
we httte fftl, wc hnvc made a tiiK- buMiu-w of it. 

3d Cwir. Li'l tlif lit lake it. if iltcy will ; I am 
so tired* 1 Uiall make but snail reai!<tance. 

[7^ keeper* rttiA upon tkem. 

Ifi Keep. Ay; rocues, rascals, and liliains! 
Vou have pn it, have you f 

'id Cour. Indeed we've f;ot but very little: but 
what we have, you're welcooic to, if you will but 
use us civiUy. 

Itf Afcp. O ye5 ! very ctvilty ; you deserve to 
be used civilly, tit be sure. 

•4tk Vtmr. Why, what have wo done that wa 
tnnv not be civilly used ? 

itt heep. Come, come, don't trifle; surren- 

Ut Cvur. I luvc but three balf-cruwua about 

2d Cour. litre's three and sinpcncc for you, 

Sd Cour. Here's my watch ; I buve no aiunei 




4fA Cour. Indeed I have nothiDginnij pocket 
but a snutf-box. 

4th Keep. What ! The dogs want to bribe us 
do they? No, ra>>ca]s; you &hall go before the 
justice to-morrow, depend on't, 

4th Cour. Before the justice ! what, for be- 
ing rubbed f 

1st Keep. For being robbed ! What do you 
mean? Who ha!> rohtwd you? 

4th Cour. Why, did not you just now demand 
our money, gentlemen? 

Qd Keep. O, the rascals ! They will swear a 
robbery against as, I warrant ! 

4th Cour. A robbery ! Ay ; to be sure. 

1st Keep. N<t, no ; we did nut demand your 
money ; we demanded the dpfr you have killed. 

4th Cour. '\ he devil take the deer, I snv ! he 
led UB a chase of six houni, and got away frtiui 
us at laf^t. 

itt Keep. Zoons ! Ye does do ye think to baiw 
ter IIS? I tell ve, vnu have this night ^hot one nf 
tlie king's deer; dtd not we hear the gun go off? 
Did not ive hear you stay, you was afraid it 
ahtiuid l>e taken from you? 

3(/ Cour. We were afraid our money should be 
ta'^en fmra us. 

Ul Keep. Come, come, no more shuffling : I 
tell ye, you're all rc^es, and we'll have you hanif- 
eil you may depend on't. Come, let's take them 
to old Cockle's ; we're not far ofF; we'll keep 
theiu there all night, and to-morrow morning 
we'll away with them before the justice. 

4th Cour. A very pretty adventure ! 

SCENE ll.—Changet to the milL 

KiKC, MiLLEB, Margery, and Dick, at 

Mil. Come, sir, you must mend a bad supper 
with n glass of good nie ; here's king Harry's 
heilih ! 

King, With all my heart Come, Richard, 
here's i>ing llurrv's health; I hope you are cour- 
tier enough to pfrdce me, are not you ? 

Dkk. Yes, yes, sir ; I'll drink the king's health 
with all my heart. 

Mar. Come, sir, my humble service to you, 
and much good mnv do ye with your poor su|>- 
per : I wish it hail Wen better. 

King. You need make no apologies. 

A/ar. We are obliged to your goudness in ex- 
cuung our rodmcss. 

AliL I*rithec, Margery, don't trouble th<i gen- 
tleman with compliments. 

Mm-. l/>rd, husband, if one had no more inan- 
ncn> than you, the gentleman would take us all 
for hogo. 

Mil Now, I think, the more compliments the 
}css manners. 

King. I think so too. Compliments in dis- 

course, I believe, are like ceremonies in religion ; 
the one has destroyed all true piety, and the 
other all sincerity and plain-dealing. 

j1/i7. Then a tig for all ceremtmy, and com- 
pliuicnts, too: give us thy hand; and let ut 
drink and be merry. 

King. Right, honest miller ; let as drink and 
be merry. Come, have you got e'er a jpiod 

Mil. Ah ! my singing days are over ; but my 
man Joe has got an excellent one ; awl if yoo 
have a mind to hear it. III call hnn in. 

King. With all my heart. 

Mil. Joe ! 

lEnter Joe. 

Mil. Come. Joe ! drink, boy ; I have promised 
this gentleman that you &ball sing hira yfHir last 
new Mine. 

Joe. Well, master, if you have promised it bio^ 
he shall have it. 


Ilow happy a state does the miller pnsseas ! 

Who would be no grcQier, nor fears to be ien; 

On his mill and himself lie depeuds ior sup- 

Which is better than servilely crir^iog at 

What though he all dusty and whitened does 

Hic more he's be-powdered, the more like a 

beau ; 
A clowit, in this dress, may be honester far 
Thau a courtier, who struts in his garter and 


Though his hands ai-e so daubed, they're not 

(it to he seen, 
Tlie hands of his betters are not verv clean ; 
A palm more polite may as dirtily deal ; 
Gold, in haudlioj^ will stick to tlie fii^en like 


What if, when a pudding for dinner he laek^ 
He cribs, without scruple, from other hwb^ 

In this of right noble examples he brags. 
Who borrow as. freely from other men's bagi 

Or should he endeavour to heap au estate^ 
In this he would mimic the tools of the stale; 
Whose aim is alone their own coffers to fill. 
As all his concern's to bring grist to his milL. 

He eats when he's hungry, be drinks whoi be^ 

And down when he's weary contented does lie; 
Then ri.'^'s up tlirarfnl to "work and to sing: 
If so happy a miller, then who'd be a kingr 

Pods LET.] 





MiL Tliere's ft initj> for yon ! 
Kiii^. lie »Ihiu1H liii ('iriii this ai cnurt, I (liiuk. 
Ut-it. I tHrtKAt", il'hc'» wi»e, he vn\i cliuK to 
Btay at Jioiiie thougli. 

Eutfr i'cccT. 

UiL What wind Ucw voii liirher, pr«y ? You 
fa>vc a Knod ^i«n uf im|)udeiu.x, «>i' jmu mi»u1<I 
be atliamcd tu Mt your luot wiUitii iiijr liousc, 

Pff. A^mod I am, indeed; but do not mil 
Be iiii|nidi-iit. [li'cr/n. 

Duk. Dear Taihcr, suspend your aii^r fnr [he 
pmcnt : that blie U Item uow, is by my dirco- 
lioo, and u do me juMire. 

Peg. To do that, it nil that is nnw in niy 
power: Tur, oa Ui my^lf, 1 am ruiiK-d past rc- 
deiBpcioa; my character, mv viituc-, my |>«uct^, 
•re ftooe : 1 am ahatiduu«d Ly my frieu'db, des- 
pised by the wortd, and expo>cd Co mi-icry aiid 

Hing. Prav, let me know the stnrr of your ini^ 
fftrtuncft : prrhaps ir may be in my |MJwcr to do 
aomciiititjc towards rcdretMiit; thpui, 

I'eg, Thnt yuu nuiy Icuni from him, w)uhd I 
have wrou^pd; but n» for me, stuuiiu wilt iiut let 
me ipcak, or licar it told. 


Kine. 5yie » very prtity. 

Dfk, Oy sir, r oiKx thought her nn dn^l; I 
lofcd ber dearer llmii my lilV, ami did hfliovc 
ber pBwion wju the Siiine for mo : but a ymiity: 
nobicman of this nciiihbuiirbood hap|)«iiir)g to 
Me ber, her youth nod blouni'mg beauty present- 
ly »tnirk bis fancy; ii thmikiind urtiiiccs were 
immediately employed to dcbauc-h aiid ruiu tier. 
But all hi» n/ts were vain; not even the (iromiM; 
rtf luakine; her hi« wife, could prevail upon her . 
In a liitie bmc he found out Itc-r lovu to mc, iitid, 
■■laeiniai; thu to itc the cauw of hf>r refusal, lie, 
by forjtc*! Iclirr*, omi feigned stiiries, rontrivcl 
to Mwiie tier belie\o i wa< upon die point nC [imr- 
pKfie with OKotber womai). I'nnet^ nith this 
•pMikm, »he. In a nigv, writes me viunl, tirver in 
•M ber mure ; and, m revenue, con»riited tu her 
own umloinit. Not contented wiili tlits, noreasv 
i»biie I was »<> iiear her, lu: briheil one v( bit 
tart-olf mittn.'MCk to iwear n child to me, ivliicb 
lbs did ; tlii« was the iKxa-Moii of luy Icuvin^ my 
fiMiid^ and Hyimi tu I»ndun. 

king. And bow doei »liu propose to do you 

Duk, Why, llie kin* being ngw in thit forest 

I tKudUof, we dc^i^n lu take some opportunitv 

I id ibn>ume oon»tlve*nt his Mii|c>n'> iKt, mid 

L toapUuiUjt^ of liic uyusticc diHte u> by tiii> ni>- 

1 k tiUam. 

% MiL All, Dkk ! I expect but little rc<lrc»s 

I mra widi an applitmtKni, 1 bitiiri of ihia nature 

■\ In w) coramoa amoni: the ercac, that I urn 

^ E l&ul it will otily be made ■ jest of. 

King. '{liMe, that can make a jeit of what 
<>u(;l)t [o be <thockin^ to humaiiiiy. turcly dcKTvo 
not the name of Rreat ur iinhle ni*-o, 

Dick. Whnl do yuu llunk of it, &ir^ If yuu 
ImIou^ to the court, y>ti. perhaps ("u? know 
*oinethin)£ of the king's it-mper. 

Kivg. Whv, ill cim ju'iKC f>f bii temper nt 
nil, I thmk be would not Millrr the creatir-tt no- 
biciuaii in his rourt to do an mjuMice to the 
ineiine»t wibjiTt in his kinnilom. Hut, |>niv, who 
It the- nnbieiuiui that is tapabic of such tictiuiis 
aa t bese i 

iJi-k, Do yuu know my lord Lurcwell? 

A'ln^'. Yes. 

Dtrk. I'imt's the man. 

King. Well, I wuuld hnvcToii pnt yourdcsJcH 
in estoution. Tis my opinion the kinR would 
tint only Itear your cumpbiiiit, but redreaa your 

Mii. I wisli it may prove so. 

£n/er the Kcrptn, Uadtng in the courtien, 

1j/ h>r;i, llola! Cockle! Where ore ye? — 
Why, mim, wc have Diibbed a pack of nijtjues 
here, just iu the fact. 

King. Iln, hdfbn! What, turned highwaymen, 
my birds, or decr-stealers ? 

Iff dmr. I am very Klad (o find your majost/ 
in health and safety. 

SdCour. Wc have run throttcli a great inanT 
perili and dHnjjors to-night : hot the joy of ti™!- 
iiig your laijeHty so unexpectedly, will make U4 
furftet all wc have suflbred. 

i'ifit j What! 15 this Uie king ! 

King. I am very iclad to see you, my lordfl^ 
I coiifc&i ; uud particularly you, my lord Lurc- 

J.urt. Your majesty does mc bonotjr. 

A'<M|f. Ye«, my lord, and I will do you justice, 
to>t ; yuur honour bos U-cn highly wrutigcd by 
ihi-- Tooni; miin. 

Lure. W riiiijjud, my iiece ! 

Kin^. 1 hope mi, my lord ; for I would rain 
lielitve you cau't be guilty of boscaets itiid 

iMre, I Impe your majrtiy will ncrer find me 
^Q. Wiiat durc» this villain say i 

Dick. I am iwt to be frighted, my lord. I 
dare spcn]( tmth at any ume. 

/jire. Whatever stains my honour, most be 

If*i»;i. I know it mu*t, my lor<i; y*t Iwk this 
■nnn, not kmiwin^wbo I wa-,presmne<l locbnnn 
Vimr titrdsbtp, not only with Rrtiii iniu'-tice to 
iiim>ielf, but :il»o with milling an innocent >ir- 
liii, whoM) he luvd, and who was tu bate 
been his wife; which, if true, were ba*c and 
ireatlurons; but I know 'tis false, uud, there- 
I'ore, Imve it to vour hinWiipto wiy «Ii«t punidw 
meiit I shall inAict upon biiu, for tbc injury dou« 
lo your botiour. 




Lurf. I titanic ytmr m^nty. 1 will not lie 
•rvrre; tic ahull only n^k my pnnffHi, ntid lo- 
>li.i>rn»v iiiontin^ he nbliped to miury tlic creu- 
uri' Ik- \\»it tr»<lui:e[l me wiUt. 

KiNg. lilts »iniUl. \\>lt, you t>car jour KD- 

Dick. May I not hsre Icarc tu speak befurc 
your maiirstv? 

^"*ti' ^Vhat can*9t thou Miy ' 
ifuk. \f I tiiwl y*Mir timjfsty** prniiifesion, I 
believe I Imvc cvrlmii »»iti»e9»c4 whtth will uiwJe- 
L-nmhtv yrtne tlie truth of all I hftve accuaed hb 
' lunlhliip of. 

Ktiig. Produce tlicm. 
Dtck. Pegi5y : 

Knter Puacr. 

Kiig. Do yno knr»w thn wMnan, my lord } 

Lure. 1 kii<»« her, picosc your innjcsty, by 
sight ; (iie'sa teiuint'e daii^ter, 

Pfg. \Audt.] Majesty ! Wbat, u thik the 


Dick. Vea. 

King. Have you no porticalnr aojuainfaoce 
wild hiT f 

Lvtf, Hum! 1 have not seen her iheM wie- 
ral Diiinihs, 

Dick. Tnic, tbt lord ; and tliat ift pari of your «o 
ciivitioii ; for, 1 iclit'ie, I hn\e MMrw lettrn «hich 
will [►nrtc yi»uT lonlship once hml a more pnri- 
ctilitr ni<]iiaiiitaiicr nilli Iter. Hervtb one of the 
fit**! \w» Iwd-hifi vtToU: lo her, lull of (he leii- 
di re<4 iiikI ui'i^r •fileiiin firomifttinuf orimeand 
Cdimtanr^ ; heru is uiioLhci', wlik'h will iiil'onu 
Vmr mu)v>tv of the puiii» lie look m rum tier. — 
There \h tin nlwulule proini«o of marriuge bc- 
fuTR hn ciiiM iii'<'4>ntpliBli it. 

Kina. Wtuu sny yoUf my lord? arc these your 

Lure, f believe, ple«ie ynur mnjp«tv, I mii;lit 
knti- II tittJc tillfijr uf gallantry »ith Uil- gtrl sinne 
tl'iw iiC). 

K'ng, It ttm a little nflHir, my lord; n mt^an 
afluii- : nod what you call fH.ianlry, I rail infa- 
my. Dm yon think, nty lord, thm eredliKSS eii'r« 
ft h:inctioii to Mit kcdiiem ? Or [hut it is (he urem- 
pariteoi' lonlb to be unjosr and inhnman f You 
rvint'MilM-r iIm; mmih-ihx' «liiih MmrM"U' pronoiiti- 
tfrd upon lhi!i iononteiit man; 'vna (-;oini>t think 
it hnrd that il should pAM on you wIk> are 

Larr. I Itope y^our majesty will conudcr my 
mnk, and not obliee mc to mcirry her. 

Ki'a^. Vnnr rai)k, my lord t Grt-atiiess, that 
HDup l» at-liiHii ba*e joid ln*r, dv8ert« its rank, 
Md pulU ilfi Ixmiturt doMo. VVImt makes vour 
|nrd»ihip iLrent? !• it ytmr pihicd ef^ipce'niid 
rtre»*? 'ilien pot il (ni your tnt<niir«>t slave, and 
he'll a^ C"'nt a^ .'on. Is it \oiir rirl.*.-* or rotatt*' 
'nic f illiiiii itttil nImioM plunder you of &II, nouhl 
Ihcn be a* un-ni an vou. N>t. niv hrtil ; he, thai 
Win Krvatly, i» the tnic grout uuuk 1 llitTcrurp 

think, you ou{;ht, in jastloc, to marrf bcr you 
thus have wrnu^ed. 

Ptg. Let my tears thank yon r majesty. But, 
alas! I am nVraid to m.-irry this yomv^ lordi 
thiit would only (!ive him power to use ma 
worw, und still cncreaw; my mi«*ry : I, Uicre- 
fore, beg your majesty will not cominaad hiin to 
dt it. 

Ktng. Rise, then, and hear me. My tofd, «m 
see how low the greatest r»oblcman may be redu- 
ced bv unneiierous nction«i. Here is, under your 
owit hand, an Rhwiute promise of marriage to 
this young woman, nhii h, fnnn a tlvofoueh kno»- 
le^l^e of your unworthineM, ihc hua prodently 
iktlineil to make yon foltil. I shall, therefore, 
not iiiMSl noon it': but I oomraand you, upoa 

[mill of my rtisptwiiure, immfldiatelj to settle ua 
ler three hundred pounds a-year. 

Fe^. May iieavcn njward yonr maje»t/s 
Eoodncis. ■ lis too much for me ; but if your 
mnje^iy thinks lit, let il be settled upoit this 
much I'lijurcd man, to make B*ime satisfaction far 
tlic wruiigs which have been doitc him. A» to 
myself, I otily soucht to dear ihe innix^nce of 
hiin I loved ai>d wronged, then hide mc fnMnlha 
witrlH, and die fop^iven. 

Ditk. This act of generous virtue cancels aH 
paH failintb; come to my arms, and be m deaf 
us ever. 

/*r^. You cannot, sure, forgrre me ! 

Dick. I can, I do, and »till will make yra 

Pfg. O, why did I ever wrong «ucli eenenm 

Dirk. Talk no more of it. I lew, let a» 
kiiwl, and tliuok the goodnese which haa maiift 
us hiest. 

A'lMe. May yon Irf- happy ! 

A/i/. [Kmci-] .\fier I have leei* W f«W* «^ 
vour majesty's i;oodue^», 1 oninot despair of par- 
dnn, even for tlie rough u«ge your majesty re- 
ceived fn»m me. 

[7^r king dravi kit nrarrf, the Miller i» 
J'n^hlrd, nntt riatt up, t/Umktmg Ae «a* 
f^oitif! to kUl htm. 
What have 1 dotie, that t shoold Io*r my hfe? 

King. KncM witltnnt fear. No, my jioodhuAt, 
so Iw are \n:t from havm<; any ihin^; to pardon, 
that I Kiu much vour debtor. I raiinot think tnit 
so good and honest a mnn will make a wfirtk/ 
and hoiKHirable knight; so, liac up, sir Joh* 
Cutkle : And to support your Mate, and in some 
sort requite the pleasure vou hnve done us ' 
thousand mnrki a year >hnll b« Kour reiefloe. 

J!fi/. Your majcstv's txiuoty I rective wil' 
thiuikfuhicss: I hnve been jtnilty of no nieaMMK 
to nhtatn it, nml hope I dlmll not l<e obliged u 
kr>'|) it upon biL«e cotiditiou^; for tbo«gb 1 i* 
4\iUini: to he a fnithfiil suhjcd, I am nxhtiv 
he a free, and un hnucitt man. 

Kwi^'. I rely upon your being so : And, » 
^niu the friendship of such a onr^ I jimBj^ 




wan think an adiUtion to m; bappiaess, though 
a king. 

Wortli, in whMerer state, is sore a pnze, 
Which kii^ of all bwb, ought not to despise ; 

% aelfi^ sycophants so close besieged, 
Tis fay mere chance a worthy man's obliged : 
But hence, to every courtier be it known, 
V^irtuc shall find protection from the throne. 
[Exeunt omtia. 






Tbe King. 

Sir John Cockle. 

Sfr Timothy Flash. 

Greenwood, attached to Mias Kitty. 

BucKRAHf a Toi/or, 


French Cook. 


Joe, tervant to Sir Johw Cockle. 

Tiree Courtieru 


Miss Kitty, engaged to Greeswoo». 
Mas Starch, a mitUner. 

Scene— LondoB. 



Xnter Sir John, TaUor^ Barber^ tnd Joi. - 

Toy. Tk the fashioQ, sir, 1 assure you. 

Sir John. Fuhions are for fuoLs; d'oD*t tell me 
ef fabliinn. Must a man make an as» of himself, 
because it's the fashioo f 

Tat/. But you would be like other folks, sir, 
would not jou ? 

Sir John. No, sir, if this is their likeness, I 
would not be like other folks. Why, a man 
might as well be cased op in arrooar; here's 
buckram and whalebone ennufih, to turn a bullet. 

Joe. Sir, here's the barber has brought you 
home a new periwig. 

Sir John. Let him come in. Come, friend ! 
let's see if you're as izood at fashions as Mr 
Buckram here. What the devil's this? 

Bar. The bag, sir. 

Sir John. The bag, sir ! an what's Ail l«| 
for, sir ? this is not the fashion too, I hope 1 

Bar. It's wliat is very much wore, nr, indeed. 

Str John. Wore, sirf how is tt wore? where 
is it wore ? what is it for ? 
.Bur. Sir, it is only for ornament. 

■Sir John. O, 'tis an ornament ! I b^yoor pai^ 
don ! Now, positively, I should DOt uve taken 
this for an ornament. My poor grey hairs arc, in 
my opininii, much more becomii^. But. come, 
put it on ! There, now, what do you think I 
am like ? 

Joe. I cod measter, you're not like the saaw 
mon, I'm Hure. 

Bur. fur. 'tis very scnteel, I assure yoa. 

Sir John. Genteel ! av, that it may htf fd 
aught i know, but I'm sure 'tis Tcry ugly. 






Bnr. Tliey w«r nnlt<ine e1«* in 1 r;uirp, Mr. 

Arr Jo*ii. lo Iraiuv, «r ! wnatV I mice to 
mc' I'm nil Eu::li.''Iinian,qr, unit kiirm iton^Iit ttu' 
fiwil* nf Frnnrt' hiiM- !•» I<e tf»» cxaiiijttpo. Ilpi.', 
Utkf II airniii; I'll lave none <'l' vuiir hr\«-r»iwlr''l 
f mirh fo[lpc^e^; and it* \nu plniM-. I'l- 
Toii « piTM-itr ill' liin iiiic, ftuliioiml>li rual ncniii 
r aaihuMi, luiltYtl ! 

[£.rfNnf Taibr, Bni-btr, and Jtie. 

Bftnter Joe uith iht Fttnch Cook. 

Joe. Sir, iirre's a fine fEciitleinan wanes u 
Vfo^k wifh yoii. 

I.'4wi(. Sir, mc hove henr dat juur boDOur want 
om ciHik. 

JSw JoKn. Sir, ym nrc »erv obliging; I Mip- 

r*^ »<Mi wuultl rcromiiit^iiil une to mc. But, n» 
iIom'i kn'nv you 

r'ooit No, no, »ir ! me nin adc cnolc mvsrir, 
anit tkMuM b<- [inmd of dr tiniiour to M^ne you. 

Hir Jn/tH. \fm a ctwk ! mid prHVi whHt uh- 
(Ts foST )-oo cx|>rct, to aSbrtl micIi tinury tu 
that* ' 

Cook. Mc will have one hundred Euirica k 
y*«r, iHJ niort-; and Iwo or thr(« M-rvam under 
me CO do de *f>Hi. 

air John Hum! %Try ren-ionftble trtily ! Aiid. 
fny, Mtinl e\lraordimirjr luutten run yuu dn, (o 
<le<m e uich wa^es ? 

Cook. O! me cnn matte vmi nnc- hundred 
dnb. dc Knc'*^ kmnv nolint; of; me c:iii nta^v 
>»Mi (If porlalili- i«>up tu jml in vour poclitt : i»ie 
can drv*« yoti de TtAit a-ln t> arii, en finlcntine. 
•-la nKKitiminuicv : dc diick en Rrinadin; dc 
ctnckm alii c!nwut>re; dr tiirtey en biiliiic ; 
dr pid^con en mirlitoit a f Itulicnnr, :i-Jn d' 
ITuielle^: m fine, uie can give you de essence 
of tivc or «« ham, and de juice of icn or iwrlve 
Knne uf brer, all in dc snucr nf one little di^li. 

Hif Jttkn. Very line ! At ihi^ rair. nu uonder 
the jMMir ore stan'ed, and tlic hutcber unpiiid. 
Su, I <^ill liuvc Do^uch c'Kiks, I prufutK vuu ; it 
t« llic luiLurr nnd eilrarncancc intnuluced I'V 
Mih Frvnrh kicLshiiw-niuitseo »% you, tliat ha.« 
devoured nnd deMro«(-d old Kii^lish bo^pttnlity ! 
Co ! C'l nli'iuf jrour LunnCb^ ; I Save nn innid to 
W bc^^rcd, nor Co bcgjar t)onc»c tradcMncn. 
Jur! [Erit Cook 

Jft Sir. 

Sir John. \jet mv dauL'liler know, the kins ^ 
inu for tiT, ami I uin gune Lo cuuit, to w rIc on 
b* inajc»l V. 
Joe, Vc'sair. [Ejcnnt. 


tmlrr ike Ktag,and trreraf Courlicrs. 

Iwj. Wr!l. my liirds mir old friend. Ilic inil- 
••"rf ^tllf (ieifJ i<- nnivcd at Inst. 

liJ ( iiur. He hii--. I»cv« in town iwo f»r llircc 
"■Tti bu not jnar innjcttj wen him yet? 

K'np. Nn. but I hnvp «enl' for him to Attend 
inc thi-v ct'emnj; : nnd [ Hl*^:l.^^ with only vou, 
•nv lords who are no* prebeiic. to entertain my- 
self »%«t>ile wUh hife honest frcedmn. He will 
Uc tieif |>reM--twly. 

if</ Cour. lie mosc oeitaiQlj dh-ert your ma- 


3tJ Cimr. lie mny be dhcrtinp, perhaps; but 
iri may ipeak niy roind rxeeiy, I tttink there h 
Mnu«tUing too plain aiul r>iu(jli in Iiis bclmriuar, 
tor vour tnnjc»ty to bear. 

Kin^. Your lordsliip, pcrhnps. mny he afraid 
uf plain truth nnd Mort-niv, liut 1 am nut. 

3 J Cour. I lici; your mitjc-*l)% purdoij ; I did 
not siipp'i^ Y'lu wiln; I only tliiiik, tlicrc is a 
certnin auc nnd reference due tu vour innjeitlv, 
vt'Uieti [ um Hinud his want of pulitencu may 
in:ikr him (raniiiress. 

K itf:. Mv lord, v»hilsf I love mv sobjects and 
pru^rve tu tltein all then- riphis and lilicrtics, 
I doubt ni't of uteetiiig with a proper respect 
Inm the miithex of them; lut as t.>r the awe 
and nncrciice nhich your (vditencss wnuUl llnt- 
ler me wiili. I line ti not. I nill, that nil my 
!»uhjccl» treat ine **ith MUceniy. An hnncM 
IVtedom of api'cch, as it tt v\ety hone t man's 
n^ht, s» none can be oJVnid of it, but he tlmt Is 
f-oiihciou^ to himself of ill-dc^t-nin^*. Siiiud 
iniixims, and riyhl amduci, can never be ridi- 
culed ; ai\d. %vljerc llie cnotrnry prevail, the serr- 
resl ceiifore i« grvarcil kindness. 

3d Cuur 1 beliete your majesty i&m the ri^t^ 
nod i stand corrected. 

Enter • Gektlcuah, 

Gen. May it please your majesty, here is a pei^ 
Hun who calls himself sir John Cockle, llic inil- 
ItT of Mauslield, begn admittance tu yuur lua- 

King. Conduct him in. 

Kntcr Sib Jons. ' 

King. Hiiiiest sir John Cockle, you are wcl- 
coDic to l^>ndoo. 

Sir John. I thank your niigesty for llie honour 
you do me, aJid am glad to find yuur majesty w 
l^ood heultli. 

Kiiif;. Ikit pmy, sir John, why in the habit of* 
miller vet ^ Wltnt I garc vou unv whh a dcsigit 
Co »et you above the mean depciulcnce of a trade 
for SuliM«eiKC. 

Sir Jiilin. Your majesty trill pardon my free- 
dom. WhiUt my trade will suupon me, Iain 
independent: and L look upon l[i:tl lo lie mure 
lioniiurabLe in an hln>:lii4i(nnn, than anv depen- 
dence wb-itsoever. [ am a plani. blunt nuitv 
and may, powibly, wine time or other, olfeiid 
your mnjcsty; »ud when', tlien, ut my subwil- 

Kttig. And dare you not trust the buuour oTa. 




Sir John. WithoDt doubt I mi^t truat yoar 
majesty ver^ safely; but, id geueral, thoudi the 
hoDour of kings on^t to be more sacred, ue hu- 
mour oi kioKS is like that of other men ; and, 
when they please te change their mind, who shall 
dare to call their honour in question } 

King. 3u .liihn, tsu are in the right ; and [ am 
glad to see you nuuntain that ooUe freedom of 
sjnrit : I widi all my subjects were as indepen- 
oent on me as you resolve to be ; I should then 
hear more truth and les« flattery. But come, 
what news? How does my lady and your son 

Sir John. I thank jrour majesty ; Margery b 
very well, and so b Dick. 

king, I hope you have brought her up to town 
with you } 

Sir John. She has displeased me, of late, very 

King. In what } 

&r John. You shall hear. When I was tmlj 

Jilain John Cockle, the miller of Mansfield, a 
armei's son, in the neighbourhood, made love to 
my dai^hter. He was a worthy, honest man. 
He loved my dau^tcr uoccrely ; and, to all ap- 
pearance, bar a£fecUons were placed on him. I 
approved of the match, and gave him my con- 
aent. But wbeu your majesty's bounty had raised 
my fortune and condiuon, my daughter, Kate, 
became Miss iGtty : She grew a fine girl, and 
was presently taken notice of by the young gen- 
tlemen of the country. Amongst the rest, sir 
Timothy Flash, a young, rakuh, extravagant 
knif^t, made his addresses to her ; his title, his 
dress, his equipage, dazzled her eyes and her un- 
derstanding ; ana fond, I suppose, of being made 
a lady, she despises and forsakes h|er first lover, 
the honest farmer, and is determined to marry 
this mad, wrong-headed kni^t. ^ 

King. And is this the occasion of your flis* 
pleasure? I should think you bad rather cause to 
rejoice that she was so prudent. What ! do you 
thmb it no advantage to your dau^ter, nor ho- 
nour to yourself, to be allied to so great a man f 

Sir/oAn. It may be an honour to be allied to a 
great man, when a great man is a man of honour ; 
but tliat is not always the casQ. Be»dcs, no- 
thing that is unjust, can be either prudent or ho- 
nourable : And the breaking her laith and pro- 
mise with a man that loved, uid every way de- 
served her, merely fur the sake of a little vanity, 
or self-interest, is an action that I am ashamed 
my daughter could be guilty of. 

King, Why, you are the mint eatraordinary 
man I ever knew : I have beard of fathers (Quar- 
relling with their children for marrying foolishly 
for love ; but you are so singular as to blame 
your's for marrving wisely for interest 

Sir John. Why, I may diSer a little from the 

common practice of my neighbours But, 

I hope your maj«stf does ao^ therefore, think 
ne to blame i 

King. No : Singalari^ in the ri^ it never a 
crime. If you are sMisfied your ai;tioai are 
just, let the world ^ush that they are sogular. 

Sir John. Nay, and I am, perMp% out so re- 
gardl^s of interest as ^our m^es^ may appre- 
hend. It is very possible a kn^ht, or even a 
lord, may be pinjT as well as a farmer. No of- 
fence, [ hope? [Turning to the amrtien. 

Omr. No, no^ no. Impertiuent fellow ! 


King. Well, sir John, I shall be dad to bear 
more of this a^r another time; bat tall me 
how you like Loudon f Vuur son Uicbard, I re- 
member, gave a very satincal descripcioa of it; 
I hope you are better entertained. 

Sir John. So well, that I assure yoor miycity, 
I am in admiration aod wonder all day long. 

King. Ay ! well, let us hear what it is you ad- 
mire and wonder at. 

Sir John. Almost every thii^ I see or bear of. 
When I see the splendjur and ma^uficenca in 
which some noblemen amiear, I admirt their 
riches ; but when I hear of their debt^ and thnr 
mortg^es, I wonder at their folly. When I 
hear of a dinner oosting an hundred pounds, I 
atn surprised that one man should have so many 
friends to entertain ; but when I am told, that 
it was made only for five or six squeamish lords, 
or piddling ladies, that eat not perhaps an ounoe 
a-piece, I am quite astonished. When I bear of 
an estate of twenty or thirty thousand a year, I 
envy the man that has it in his power to do so 
much good, and wonder how he disposes of it; 
hot when t am told of the necessary e^fienoes 
of a gentleman in horses and whores, and eating 
and rdrinkiiig, and dressing and gamins^ I am 
surprised that the poor man is able to hve. Is 
short, when I consider our publick credit, oar 
honour, our courage, our freedom, our pi^iljck 
, spirit, I am surprised, amazed, astonished, and 

lit Cour, Is not this bold, tar ? 

Sir John. Perhaps it may ; but I inm»o9e his 
majesty would not have an Englislunanacowardf 

King. Far from it. Let the genercras spirit of 
freedom reign unchecked : To speak his mint^ is 
the undoubted right of eveiy Briton ; ami be it 
tbc glory of my reign, that idl my subjects enjoy 
that honest liberty. Tis my wish to redress all 
grievances; to right all' wrongs: But ktng% alas ! 
are but fallible men; errors in govemmeat wiU 
happen, as n'ell as failings in private Ufa, and 
oughtto be candidly imputed. And letmeaskyoa 
one (luestion, sir John. Do you really think yoa 
coulo honestly withstand all the temptations mat 
wealth and power would lay before you ? 

Sir John. I will nut boast before your majes- 
ty ; perhaps I could not. Yet give me leave to 
say, the man, nhom wealth or power can aaka 
a villain, is sure unworthy uf possessii^ either. 

King. Suppose self-iuteres^ too, should dadh 
with publick duty i 





.Sir Jifha, Snmosv it should : *Tis alwavs it 
miio'* du'j trj iw; juft ; mid dunhlv Itu wiih 
vtlitfiu tite ptitJic irost their rigttU uitd libct- 


iuiig. 1 litink <*o; nay, he. t»hn cannot scorn 
the iiMiTijw intercut nf tti» "wd jwim self, t<i 
■crrr his oHintrr. aut) il«reii(l hpr rinUti, <t<:strTr9 
out the prulrrti'in of a C'tuiitrv in Hcirud hit 
own; at le:iu, ahiMjlJ nut be trusted with the 
rij^K iif ixlirr mr-n. 

Str JaAm. I witli mi *ac\% were ever (rusted. 
Aiijf. I tvjsli Mt, toor Uut bow ar« liiup to 
LiHiwr til* I»eiirl5 of men ? 

' Sif JftMn. 'Fifl dillicidt iitdeed ; yet MHOUthtiig 
t^nithl be d-itte. 
hiM^. Whiit? 

Sir jFiiAii. The nion whom » king employ*, or 
n nation truit*, shouhi be tlmmuKhly tried, tan- 
mtitc )ii« pritfttc cliurmlcr : Mnrk liow he lives : 
1% he luiLunnus, or proud, or AuihiiiniKt, nr ettra- 
tlf uv'itd him: The wiul of tliut aiHn js 

, , ncce>9ilv »ill press him, uud puhhc 

miifj mti^t pay ni» privjiii- debts. But if you 
Ami u nuui vnili it clenr head, nound jiithccmnt, 
and a riicht hcirioi brim — that is the man to 
MTTve b«>th TOO and his coimtrj- 

King. YuaVe ri^ht ; nnd such by nic shall 
CTCr b«* diftjtigiii^ticd. 'tn both my duty aod 
my nitere*t to pmntotv them. To siiLh, it' I 
frte wealth, it will etirich tite public; to such, 
it I %f*'e power, ihc iiaiiim ivill he mi'^htv ; to 
^ ' if I Eire honour, I ^IkiU miw mv awn. 
purely, HF John, yotir't is nut tlie li\n):uu;^c, 
nor the M'oLioicfit^ of a cotiuU'ul miik-r; hii->^, 
n m cuttAge, ouuld jrua gain tliia superior wift- 
io ml 

, Sirjitfta. Wisdom n not confined to palaces; 
nor ul.vuv^ tit Ik- bjin:ht witJi gnli). I rrnd nTiuajJ 
Hud tiling sHinietimca ; and lie who does tlio^l 
nntty i;»in 50111c komvlcdse, even in a cottaKthl 
\t> tor jny tttiiu: aupcTJor, I pretcod not to it;..| 
SVhai 1 hti«t; Mtid, I hope, i» fuuin guod kiim; at] 
tea'ti 'tis h'liH'M, aod well inenut. 

King. Sir John, 1 tiiink »o; ami, to convince 
villi b<ov much I e^TccEU your phun-dt-aliiui and 
sinci-nty of hciirt, receive thi> ring as a tnark of 
Diy favour. 

Sir John. I ituink your mnjesty. 

King. Omi't thank me no^ ; nt present I hara 
hu^iiweft that must be djitpatched, and will de- 
sire you to leave me ; before 'tis Jong I'll see 
you n^in. 

Sir John. I wish your majesty a good nii^t. 


Khp. Well, my lords, what <lo you thiak of 
(his niillerP 

Itf Coiir. He talks well : what be is in the bot< { 
(ont, I don't know. | 

id Cnur. 1*111 afi-aid not sound. 

Stt Cnur. I fancy lui's rxt on by somebody 
to iiiipi><ii> upua yvur majesty with this fair shew 
of huiic^f v> 

itt Omr. Or is not he soinc cuDnln<: knave 
ttuit wants to work himMlf into your majesty's 

Kiag. I hftTo n fancy coroe into mv bend to 
(ry him ; nhich Pll communiontc to vm*, and put 
in e\rcuti<m imiucdiiitvly. An hour hhncc, my 
lords, 1 bhall upcct to sec yuii at sir JoJin's 


SCENE i.—A tavim. 

Sis Timotut 

FtASii, t/ie hAXDhoav, 



m Sis 

H Sir 71ot. (lotirst Bacchus how dost tboa do * 
H Lam4. ^\*, I am very slad tu see yon; pmy, 
V whrn did you come lu tumi ? 

Str Tim. YEMcrday ; and on an affair tliat I 
■faall want « little of ynnr n9fti>tanre in. 

LnnJ. Auy diing in my puwfir, you know, you 
aui« cuuMiiaiid. 

Sir Tim. You must know then, I Imre nn in- 
tn^mi viih a voung Indy, tliat'^ juu come hi 
nwD witli her father, and wont an aKreeable 
: to meet her at ; can you reconmend uur 

X%md 1 eui recommend ynu, fir, 10 the most 
cnaf— l ent wtimim in all London. What think 
ytmof MnWhefdIeP 

6«r Tmk. The bc«t womiui in all the world : 

Aq^ ri. 

I kuow her very well ; Imw coutd t be M stupid 
nut to think of her' Cirecnwoud, do yim knuw 
where tMir country ncti;hbuur, su- Jului C>«ckle, 
Iu<lze4 } 

Grern. Ye«, sir. 

Sir Tim. n.m'l lie out of the wav then; I 
s'lall snid a letter hy \ou prewnrly, which vou, 
nmst deliver pnvutcly mt<» ^ll4^ KittvSoun hand, 
if she corncs with vo*i, I slinllcive youilirection* 
where to conduce her, and do you come back 
here and let ine know. 

GretH, Yfcv sir. Poor Kitty ! i» it thus thy 
rdsehoitd to me h to be punished? I will jprc- 
\rut diy niin, hriwcver. [_Exit. 

StaTiMOiar lingw. 




Beaaty smiling 

Wit beguiling. 

Kindness charming, 

Fancy warming, 

Kissing, toying, 

Meltio^ <^ving. 
O the raptures which arise ! 
O the pleaung, pleasing joys ! 

l/md. You are a merry wag. 

Sir Tim. Merry, ay ! why what is life without 
enjoying the pleasures of it i Come, 111 write 
this letter, and then, honest Bacchus, we'll taste 
what wiao thou hast goL [£jreun(. 


Miss Kitty and Mrs Starch. 

Kitty. But prey, Mrs Starch, does all new fa- 
shions come up 6rst at court i 

Mrs Starch, O, dear madam, yes. They do 
nothing else there but study new fashions. 
That's what the court is for : And we milliners, 
and tailors, and barbers, and mantua-makers, 
go there to learn fashions for the good of the 

Kitty. But, madam ; was not you saying just 
now, that it was the fashion for the ladies to 
paint themselves? 

Mrt Starch. Yes.' 

Kitty. Well, that is pure; then one maybe 
as handsome as ever one will, you know. And 
if it was not for a few freckles, I believe I 
should be very well ; should not I, Mrs Starch? 

Mrt Starch. Indeed, madam, you are very 

Kitty. Nay, don't fiatter mp now; doyoureaU 
ly think I am handsome ? 

Mrt Starch. Upon my word, you are. What 
a shape is there ! What a genteel air ! What a 
sparkling eye ! 

Kitty. Indeed, I doubt you ilatter me. Not 
but I lukve an eye, and can make use too, as 
veil as the best of them, if I please. 


Though bom in a country town. 
The beauties of London unknowni 

My heart is as tender, 

My waist is as slender, 

My skin is as white. 

My eyes are as bright 
As the best of them all. 
That twinkle or sparkle at court or baU. 
I can ogle and sigh. 
Then frown and be coy ; 

False sorrow 

Now borrow. 
And rise in a rage ; 

Tlien languish 

In anguish, 
^d softly, and softly engage. 

But pray, Mrs Starch, which do yoa dunk the 
m(»t genteel walk now ? To tnp it away o^ 
this manner, or to swim smoothly along thus? 
Mrt Starch. They both become j-ou eitreme* 

Kitty. Do thejr really? I'm glad you think so, 
for, indeed, i believe you are a very good ^ud^ 
And, now I think on't, I'll have your opiuiuD in 
something rise. What do you tUok it is that 
makes a line lady ? 

Mrt Starch. Why, madam, a 6De person, fine 
wit, fine airs, and fine clothes. 

Kitty. Well, you have told me already that 
I'm very handsome, you know, so tfaa^s one 
thing; but, as for wit, what's that? I don't know 
what that is, Mrs Starch. 

Mrt Starch. O madam, wit is, as one may say 

— the the being very wiuy; that is— — 

comical as it were; doing somethii^ to make 
every body laugh. 

Kitty. O, is that all ? nay, then, I can he as 
witty as any body, for I am very comical. W^ 
but what's the next? tine airs:. O, let me akne 
for fine airs ; I have airs enough, if 1 can but get 
lovers to practise them upon. And then, fiiie 
clothes ; wny. these are very fine clothes, I thidtj 
don't you think so, Mrs Starch ? 

Mrt Starch. Yes, madam. 

Enter Sir John, obtervlng tkentt 

Kitty. And is not this a very pretty ci^ toef 
Does nut it become me ? 

Mrt Starch. Yes, madam. 

Kitty. But don't you think this hoop a Uctit 
too big? 

Sir Johrt. No, no ; too big ! no. Not abore ax 
or seven yards round. 

Mrt Starch. Indeed, sir, 'tis within the arcane 
ference of the mode a great deal. 

Sir John. That it may he, but I'm sure it's be- 
yond the cin umfcrence of modesty n great deal. 

Kitty. Lord, papa, can't you dress vouraelf as 
you've a mind, and let us alone? ifow sboukl 

I'ou know any thing of womens' fashions? CooM^ 
et us go into the next room. 

[Exeunt Miss Kitty and Mas Starch. 

Enter Joe with Gr^nwood. 

Joe. Sir, here's one that you'll be very glad ti 

Sir John. Who is it ?— What, hooest Greea- 
wood ! May I believe my eyes? 

Green. Sir, I am very glad tu see yon ; I hope 
all your family are well. 

Sir John. Very well. But, for Heaven's saki^ 
what has brought thee to London? What^tilie 
meaning of this livery ? I don't understand tbee. 

Green. I don't wonder tliat you are surpnand; 
but I will explain m}t>elf. You know the faitl^ 
ful, honest love I bear your daughter ; and yoo 
are sensible, since the addresses of «r lunotl^ 




Tlasli, bow marh her fnliwhood has gri«ptl mp; 
yet uiorr for licr «akf, even thnii uiy own : iuy 
o«ii aoiiappinesa I could endure willi pniicitce, 
but the tboueliL^ of secint her reduced in shume 
Odd itu«erv, I niuniU b<*ar. 

Sir JoAm. What dnst thou nieaci ? 

Grrrm. I eery much husjiect liJs designs upon 
her art' not luinnumhir. 

Str John. Not hfintiurabtc ! he dare not wroa;* 
me M> ! Rut, Eo un. 

CttfH. Iiuincdintelr nfter you had left thi' 
Fry, hearinc Oml he Mti^ hti>tlriiiiig lo Ltd- 
ai'irr you. And wiitiied a vnaitt, I went iinH 
Dflfen^l mviclf, rrsoKiuf;, hy » strict watch un ;ill 
hi* actions lo present, if |rf>*MMe, (h*- rLJn ul 
her 1 cannot hni Ime, how ill 9i>cver I Imin hrr-n 
tmted. Not knowing nu> lu l>i: hi^ [iiii!. h^' 
brou^hl me nlonK with hin>. ^^ 4 ttrincd in L>hi* 
dou ytstfrduy, «iid I am ivtvi Bcnt hy hiiu to give 
your dauchtcr (tn^Rlrlv tlii^ letter. 

&r JoAh. What cno it tcnil lo * 1 know not 
what to tliink ; hut it I find Ik' dare^ to mtiuii me 
f'ni'iSt t>r thift ^imhI h»nil 

Grten. Tlicn let lur icll re, he racaus ynu 
«illain<Mn wmiig. The ruin of vour dtuie'iif r i* 
oonttivrd ; I hi>ard ihr plnl ; und tfii«t very ittler 
u to put it in execution. 

&> J.iAn. Whiit *hnH Ido> 

Crrm. I>^tie »ll lo me. I'll deliver the let- 
ter, and, hv h«- U-ha\ttmp, »-c ^hall liuow tH-tlcT 
how to take our measures. But how shall I sec 

Sit /(lAn- She is m the next room ; I'll go in 
and vroti her to vou. 

Grttn. If you tell licr ffbo it 1%, perhaps nhe 
•ill iHii he »rtn. 

S*r Jaha. I won't. {Exit. 

BiiferMiss KmT. 

Killv. Rlr«i me ! ii not that air Timothy's li- 
*cry ! I^liirfr.]— I*ruy, ar, \i «r Timothy FlaiJi 
cwt>c to Inwo r 

Grtm. Yes, madam. 

Kilty. l»o<)d lack ! is it vou } What new whim 
!)■>« yuu sM in voiir he*i4l now, prnv^ 

Greem- No iww ivhim in niv heiut, lint an old 
one in my bcarT, whidi, 1 aui ai'ruid. mjII tuA In- 
CK^iW rcu>«>red. 

Ktifv lit teed, youne man, [ nm •vny for it : 
but :id my answer already, awl I w«in- 

6er ' rroiidle nte autiu, 

Ortcri And ik it ibii» yon receive me ! Is ihr> 
ibc rrwani »1' all inv fnitlUul Unc f 

KiUjtr. iait 1 help your bfiiic in ]ave? Vtu 
MTB 1 ((nn'l flrMrf il ; I ni>li ynti \v<)uld not teazt 
■a with viiur iin|>criinriit tmr- niiv rnorC- 

CIrcnt. Wtiy, fh»-ti, dul vini i iKriiuniie il * For 
pi* IDC IrAs* lo Miy. you oiu'e did love ine. 

Ktitf. Pedtn)!^ i ntitiht, wlien I thiMj)t))i mv- 
ttH but ytJiir equal : htit novr, I thittk, ynii can- 
■bC, m iDudesly, prutcnd la luc utiy loitgcr. 

Gmn. ^'ain, fooliih pirl ! for Heav/»n'» sake, 
wlial alierution do you (tnd in yuursvJf for tlie 
hfiter ? In nlmt, I wonder, does the fine lady 
dinVr from the miller's dnui-hter ? linvc yon raoraJ 
wit, more M:n»c, nr more virtue, than you had be- 
I'ufc ? Or arc yon in any thini; altered from your 
formf'r bclf, except in pride, fuJIy, and offecta- 
tion ? 

Kittif. Sir, let rac tell yoo, these arc liberties 
tlml ihni't become you ut nil. Miller's dau^hier! 
Green. Come, come, Kitty ; fop shame ! lay 
n^iite thette foolish iiirs of the line lady; return to 
yiitif'^^lf, Hiict let ine nrtk you one vrion^ rjueslioo: 
Do you realty think »ir Timotliy designs to many 

Kitty. Vou arc xcry impertinent to ask ma 
unch a qiicMiuo; lint, to .•tik-ncc your prcmrop- 
ti"n f(>r ever — I'm sure lie dctiixns it. 

Grren. I'm glad she ihinKi^ so, howerer. 
[,/jijf/r.]. Nny, then, I do not expect yon will re-* 
sii>n rhc fliUterUig pnMpect of weutth and gmn*, tji liic in a dttaee on a liltJc funn. *Tl% 
true, I «liall he ind(-p«MLclnit of nil itit: n<irld; my 
funn, however siniUI, »ill be my own, uaiuurt* 

Kifttf. Psha! cna ymi tiuy roe fine clotliea? 
C:in you keep tne a eoach } Cnii you make mc a 
hidyr If not, I iidviw you to go tlouii i^ain to 
viMir pitjfiil fai-iii, and marry somebody suitable 
to your rnuL 


Adieu to ynnr cart and your plough ; 
I Bconi ti> milk ymir cow, 

Yoiir turkeys and eeese, 

Yotir butler and chceiic. 
Are mtich lielow me now. 

If ever I wed, 

I'll hold up iny head, 
Ami be a line lady, I vow. 

And so, sir, vour vety hutnblc scrrant. 

(irert. .Vay, mndam, you Hhall ttoC leave mn 
vet; 1 have ^miethint; more to sav htforc wn 
pirt. Suppoiic thi!> worthv, honourable kni^it, 
iiiMead ot innrriui^e, should only have a I»«se de- 
M^ii uptin your tiriiief 

Kitii/. We senriM it : Noj be lorcs mCi and I 
Icnoiv will marry ine. 

Gtrra. Dear Kitty, be not deceived ; I knoir 
he wi'll imt. 

Kitty. You know nothing of the matter. 

OrccH. Head tliiu, und be cijniinccd. , 


* My dear nni^el, 

' I could no I'lnner ftar in the conntrr, wlicn 

* ynu «;i«» tiitl there to make il aureenhle. I cnine 

* tootwnyi'iterdttv; nnd bcc, if possible, you will, 
' thw eii-mivfc, make mc hap^y with your coin- 
' paiiy. L will Qicet yon at a r«lMion'> ; my t^ 




* vant will conduct you to thelioase. I am irn- 
' patient till 1 throw myself into your arms, and 

* convince you how luuih I aui, 

* Your fond and passionate admirer, 

* TiuoTBY Flash.' 

Kitty. Weil, and what is there in this to con- 
vince lue of his ill intentions r 

Green. Enough, I think. If his designs an 
honourable, why are they not open ? Why does 
he not come to your father's house, and make his 
proposals ? V\ hy are you to be met in the dark, 
at a stranger's? 

Kitijf. Let me see — * III meet you at a reln- 

* tiou's; my servant will conduct you ;' indeed 1 
don't know what to think of that. 

Green. I'll tell yon, madam; that preteftded 
relation is a notorious bawd. 

Kitty. 1'is false; you have contrived this story 
to abuse me, 

Oreen. No, Kiuy, so well I love you, that, if 
I thouf^ht his designs were just, I could rejoice 
in your happiness, though at the expeucc of my 

Kitty. You strangely surprise me ! I wish I 
knew the truth. 

Green. To.convince you of my truth, here is 
a direction to the house in his own hand, which 
he himself gave me, lest I should mistake: Whi- 
tlier, if you still duubt my sincerity, and tliiuk 
proper to ^0, 1 am ready to lie your conductor. 

Kilty. And is this the end of all his designs? 
have I been courted tmly to my ruin ? my eyes 
arc MOW loo clearly opened. Wtiat Iiave I bi-en 
doiii^ i 

Green. If you are hut so convinced of your 
danger, as to avoid it, I am satisfied. 

Enter Sir John. 

Sir John. What do I hear? Are you recon- 
cile<l. then ? 

Kilty. Mv dear father ! J have been cheated 
BDd tihubcd. 

A" Jonn. I hope your virtue is untouched ? 

Kilty. 1 hat 1 will alwavs preserve. 

Sir John. I hen I fortive you any thine. Rut 
how »lmll we be revengtd on this scoundrel 
knight P 

Kitty. Contrive but that, and I am easv. 

Gteen. As his ba!» desitns have not been exe- 
cuted, 1 thmk, if we could t-xpose and laugh ai 
him, it would be stitfacient pimishment. 

Sir John. It' it cuuld be duiie severely. 

Kitty. I clank it may. i littieve I have found 
out a way to be reveuecd on him; come with nic 
into the next room, and we'll put it in execution. 

Enter a Servant. 

Ser. Sir, a gentleman dewres to speak with 

&> John. I'll come to him. Go you together, 
d'ye hear, and contrive your design. 

[Thty go out teveralbf. 


Enter Sir John ami the King, a 

Sir John. No compliments, I tell ye, but come 
to the point : What is your busioev ? 

King. As I appear to you in the habit of a 
cullejriate, you may fancy I «ni some queer pe- 
dantic fellow ; but 1 asnure you, I am a person of 
some Inrth, and had a liberal educatioa. I have 
seen the world, and kept the best company. But 
living a little too freely, and having ftpent die 
greatest part of my fortune on women and wine, 
I was persuaded, by a certain aoblenian, to take 
orders, and he would eive me a living, which he 
said was coming into his hands. I was just clo- 
sing with the proposal, when the spiteful incum- 
bent recovered, and I was disappointed. 

Sir John. Well, and what's all this to me? 

Xing. Why, sir, there is a living now (alleii, 
which IS in the king's gift, and I hear you have 
so grHjd an interest with his majesty, that 1 am 
persuaded a word from yuu, in my tavtMir, would 
be ol' fireat service to me. 

Sir John. And what must that word be, pray? 

King. Nay, that I leave to you. 

Sir John. You are in the right; and III tell 
you what it shall be. That von, being a s«i8F* 
less, idle-licaded fellow, and liniit^ ruined ymir^ 
self by your own follv and extravagance, yoo 
therefore think yourself highly qnali6ed to teach 
mankind their duty. Will that do? 

Kin/i. You are m jest, sir. 

Sir John. Upon my word, but I am in earnest. 
I think he thiit recommends a profliirate wretch 
to the must serious function in life, merely for 
the sake of a juke, gives as bad a proof of his 
morals, as he does of hia wit. 

King. Sir, I honour your plain-dealing. Yoa 
exactly answer the character I ha%'e beard of 
\uur uncommon sincerity; and, to let yon see 
thut I nm capable of something, I have wrote a 
poem in praise of that virtue, which I bc^ leave 
to present to you, and hope you will receive it 
kindly. [6icr< Aim the poem. 

Sir John. Sir, I am not used to these thiogs: 
I don't understand them at ail ; but let's a c e-- 
fSiR John rtaJn.] — ' \ poem in praise of the in> 
coniparnble sincerity and uncommon hooesty of 
the woriliy sir John Cockle,' &c. — Enough, e- 
nuugh ! — R poem in praise of sincerity, witli a ful- 
wxne compliment in the very title, is extmnrdi- 
uary indeed ! Sir, I am obliged to you fnr your 
kind intentions; your wit and your poetry may 
be very fine, for aught I know ; hm a little mote 
common senw, I believe, could do you no hario. 
King. He i^ not to be flattered, 1 find; hot 
rn try what bribery will do. Tliut, I'oi aftai(^ 







hit»«Tenr body's tnslc. [Jsid^.]— Shall I beg one 
woM inurv wiiti v<'u? Mr, vuu are ii ciiitlomati 
of ihe ircftlcM tmcc-rUy aitH honour I ever met 
with, ind, for ihnt roASon, [ •ihall always have 
the hi^hnt rui[4rd for jou in tlir world, and for 
all ihiii hrlMiiiit In Ttiu. I Iwnr your diiiichtrr i^ 
fp>iiiK III Ik< inMTtrd ; let mc Ik^ Icbw Ut |irt:M:ul 
her Miin tltU dmiiiorid bucLle. 

Sir John. Sir, yiw vurprise me very much ; 
pr«v. mIiiu tnav lite value <>t' tliiit he? 

Xm-. rb«t'» iioi wiMTh mentioning — about five 
himdrrd iMiiiiids, I bfltevc. 

Sir JoAh. Why, did iiotjrnii tell mp^juKt now, 
thai tifu hail spent nil vmir fortiine? 

KiHU- I did Ml : but it Ma» for a particidnr 
KasiHi: and ytiu tUiUi hud 1 am itot ttn poor a& I 
re p rr^nied mystflf. 

S^r John I uni L>lad of it. But, pray, how am 
I to n-iiini ihu c&inDtrdinnrv t:ener<)sily ? 

Kimf^. I eupcct ui> return, ^ir, i)|)Oii my ho- 
oaar ; thnuch you Itave it in ;our |iowcr to oh- 
ligp IDT trry luiirh. 

Sir John. Ouii't inctitiun th« liviitc, fur that I 
lave Udd ]r*)U alroidy you arc not fit I'ur 

Eing, I m»o'L Bai thwrc is h ferltiin place 
•t court of annilicr kind, which 1 hiive luti^ 
liad a mind to cTistrue, tlirrc i* a sorrr. inMcni- 
ficaiit fellow in |i'i«)<e^KHi of it »t pre*ic-nt ; hut 
be'ft nf fM wr^'ice; and I know your |><>werwiili 
the king; n word or two from you would won 
diftWAM'M bini. 

Str Joim. But what must bo Iw disposKssefl 

Kimf. To roak« room for nie, ih-At's uti. 

Hir John. Hum Indeed it wiMi't do with 

me — lirre, iHle it a^n; and lei iim* tell y<tii, I 
aui Uf>t tit be dnltcrrd into a fotijiDJi llimg, ntir 
bnbcd into a haw hop. 

Kimg, \divavinHf: himteff^ Then thiiu art my 
fiiciifl. and I will Itei-p thee iieit my heart. 

Str Jitia. .\ml 'i\ il vtiur in<i|e<>ty f 

Kn*e. ilc n<tt !<iir|>n>tfd; it is ytiur own mav- 

bn. thui a ktnit cnnu'il be t')o muliouit ui tryitic 

ihfJMi he difsi^ns In tru!il. I'^nruivc tliii 

■I hiiie Intd tliy himeslv, and will no 

»|»CCt IL 

Eater GarENvrooD. 

Gretn. Sr, I um rnme to let Mis? Kitty know 
pni ±^t:U, ihat mj master will be hcxc, ilitiguiscd, 

Str Join. Will he. i Well, go into the next 
roocn, and let I (icr so. If uMir majcHty «iil[ Iw 
■o iqod aa In renrc tiilu llii» i liuii^hcr u while, vnii 
■nil Iwar smm-iliiu^, pvrlKtps tlui will divert you. 

JEttfer Jo p. 

Jif. Sir, bere'i a mAid-ttcn'nnt come to he 

&r Join, Let her come in. Hi sprak to hrr 
ptaamlljl. \_lLjit vt/A the king. 

Enter Sir Tnit)THY, Higuited tx$ a maid-ier^ 

Sir 'Vim. Well, I nm chli|;cd to iho dear |^r 
for tliit kind nmtriranott of getriug mo into the 
h<iu>c with her. 'Hvill be charmingly conve- 

Jle-fn/rr Sib Jans. ' 

Sir Tim. Sir, X heard that the youn|i ladyv ' 
your duti£;liter, wanted a svniint, and I should ba 
prrmil uf Uic liuiinur lo %cr\c her. 

Sir John. My diiuahter will he here presently. 
Prav, my dpnr, wlinl'it ynr immc ? 

liir 'I'im. Fuith, I never thonght of that ; what 
shnll I Mty? [^side.}~Bet.ty, nr. 

Sir John, And pray, Mm Betty, who did yoa 
live with ln»t ? 

iSir 7Vot. Pojt of his impertinenre ! he has 
non-plusvd me upain.— ^[^iiJ^.J Sir» I — 1 — livctl 
with sir Tiumthy Flaih. 

Sir John. Ah. a vile fellow that! a rery vil« 
fctli>w, wiM iHtt he f Did he pay you your wagea? , 

Sir 77j7i. Yi'S *ir — I shall be even with you i 
f<ir this hy and by. [Aitdf. 

Sir John. You was well ofl^ then ; foe they 
any its what he very seldom dor%. Sml pay ! — 
I mn icll you, ime part of your hnslne^^ iiiH«it he 
to watch that villain, lh»t he doc« not dehAiich 
mv danohtor : for I hcnr he designs it. Hut I 
ho|i<- wp «hall prevent him. 

Sir 'l\m. I'll tjikc fare oflicr, sir, lo Iw wire — ■ 
I burst with luughu-r to think huw chnnnm^ly 
nc ^hall t:uU the old fellow ! [Atidc 

Sir John. Kate! 

Entrr MiasKiTTT. 
IIcrr'H a innid for yuii, Kate, if you like her 

Kitlj^. <) 1 Ard ! a maid ! why i^hu'R a moiuter ! 
I iK-vr-r law M) iiiflv a iliiiit! in all mv life. 

.^ir Tim. TlicB cunning; jade does this to blittd 
the rild foul. [Aitde, 

Kitly. I'rav, child, what can you do f 

Sir Tut). I'll do the U-st I can to ptcaw you, 
lur^d.un. uiid I don't qitetiUou )>ut I shall do. 

httti/. Indeed you wim't do. 

Sir Tim. I hope I shall, madnin, if you please- 
to try me. 

Kilti/. No, T durst not try you, indeed. 

Sir 141/1. WfiT, niadiim ? 

Kilfy. Mcthinks you look like a fool; I hate 
a fodl. 

.S»V JiAn. Nny. my dear, don't abuse the vimng 
woniau ; upon niv woni, [ ilnnk she looks mighty 
well. Hold up your head, child. Ijord ! Mrt 
Betty, you huve ^ol ii tn-nnl, inethinks. 

[Strnkrs hrr yndrr Ihf chin, 

Kittif. What ! ha?t [Irity cot a beard ? lIl^ Iw, 
ha! Ah, B*'itv • why did not you ihiiveclu»crf 
Bui I told ye vnu uhs u fool ! 

Sir JitHi. \VcM — iiaU what wages do you ca- 
pi'i'l, uiy dear i 




Kitty. Ay, what work do jon deagn to do, mj 

Sir John, How cleTerW you have bit the old 
fool, ha ! 

Kitty. And how charmin^y we shall laugh at 
faim hy and by, ha ! 

Sir John. Now don't you think you look like a 

Kitty. Poor air Hmothy ! are you disappoint- 
ed, love ? Com^ don't naogty, and 111 sug it a 

■ SONG. 

Ah, Ittdcless kuigfat ! I mourn thy case : 

Alas 1 what hast thou done ' 
Poor Betty ! thou bast lost thy place ; 

Poor knight ! thy sex is goiie I 

I^am, henceforth, from this disaster. 
When for ^rls you lay your ploti^ 

That each miss expects a master 
In breeches, not in petticoats. 

Sir John and Kitty. Ha, ha, faa ! 

Sir Zlm. Zoons ! am I to be used in tlus man- 
aer? And do you think i will bear it unre- 

Kitty. And hare tou the impudence to think 
you are not well used? 

Sir John. Nay, nay, if he's not satisfied, in- 
•tead of the entertainment he expected, suppose 
we give him what he deserves. Who's within, 

Enter three or four Servontt, Sir Timothy rtiiu 
o^, and they after him. 

Sir John. The/11 overtake him ; and I don't 
doubt but they'll give him the discipline he de- 

Enter King, Gbszitwood, ami Ccurtiert. 

King. After what you have bdd me, I tlnnk 
they cannot use him too ill. Madam, I wish yoa 
joy of your escape from the rain whicA threaten- 
ed vou. 

kitty. The king ! I thank your majeity. 

King. And I am glad to hw that yon are i^ 
conciled to an honest man tbat deserret you. 

Kitty. I see my error ; and I hope, by my fo- 
ture conduct, to make amends for the nneasineai 
I have given to so good a father. 

Sir John. My dear ddld, I am fully satisfied : 
and I hope thou wilt every day be more and 
more convinced, that the nappiness of a wifis 
does not consist in a title, or nne appearance of 
her husband, but in the wor^ness of his tenti- 
roents and the fondness of bis heart. 

King. And now, my good old man, bencefor^ 
be thou my friend. I will give thee an apart- 
ment in my palace, that thou mayest always ha 
near my. person. And let me conjure thee ever 
to preserve this honest, plain sincerity. Speak 
to me freely, and let me hear the voice of cnidi. 
If my people complain, convey their grieratioes 
faithfully to my ear ; for how should kius re* 
dress those ills, whidi flatterers hide, orwTdicd 
men disguise ? 

iSir JoAit, I thank your majesty for the confi- 
dence you have in me : my heart, I know, is ho- 
nest, and my adtction to your majesty sincere — 
but as to my abilities, alw ! they are but soudl ; 
yet, ^uch as they are, if it clash not with my du^ 
to the public, they shall always be at your ma- 
jesiv's service. 

Jting. I'd have you just to both. 

But let your country's pood he first your m'm ; 
Un this our honest miller builds his'claim, 

At least for pardon ; if you please, for fame. , 

[ExemiU ommtt. 


SCEXEI— Gjiyliss's lodgitigi. 

Enter G AH iKSi and SttkHP. 
K Uow, lir, shall you be mnrncd to*mor- 
1 1 I'm ainud yw joke witli jour poor 


I tell th«c, Shiirp, Iftrt night McKsmi cnn- 
mud lixcd tu-ntorruw fur Uic tmpn? duy. 
9. I'bvrell slie did, sJr, or it mi^hc have 
drfodful one for as in onr prencnt con- 

sU yinir money ^p(:llt; vour moveiible» 
our twnour almost ruined, and your liunt- 
nmt almost itarred : wc could nut uumi- 
e u<xk1 ii Iwo diiys lungrr— But it tlii^ 
aHy will marry you, and relieve us, o* my 
DCG I'll turn friend to the Mt, mil do 
A matrimuny, but curse the whurca, and 
if a wife myself. 

. Aiul yec, ■'Tharp, when I think how I have 
d upou ber, 1 am almmt resolved to ttiron 

W ber feet, tetl her the real sitaation of 
lin, ask her patdon, ard imploic her pity. 

Sharp. After marriafce, with all my heart, nr; 
but don't let your conM.-ii-i)cv and buu'iur m> far 
get the better of your povi-ity and good sense, as 
lu rely on so £n-Hl unccrlaitity as a line lady's 
mercy and f;<»»d-uaiure. 

Gay. I know her ^eiterous temper, and am al- 
moM pcrsnadod to rely uptxi it. What ! becmosQ 
I uiti puur, iihall 1 abaiiilon my honour? 

Siuirp. \ V3, you must, sir, or abaudun me. So> 
pray, discharge one ol us ; for eat I muftt, and 
MpetxliLy loo: and ^ou know very well, tliat thiit 
liuaour of yours wtil neither intitxiuce you to a 
ereat tnan'ft tabic, nor get me credit for a single 

Cay. Wliflt can I do? 

Sfiarp. Nothing, while honour sticks io yoor 
thrunl. Do, gulp, master, and down witli iL 

Gay. Prithee leave me to ray thoujehis. 

Ukarp. Leave you ! No, not in sucti bad com- 
pany, 1 II assure you. Why, vou must certainly 
be a very grcut philo»oplicr, sir, to moralize atxl 
declaim so charutiita^y as you do, about bouou 




snd consdcnce, when your doors are beset with 
bailiffs, and not one single guinea in your pocket 
.to bribe the villains. 

Gay. Don't be wlttjr, and give your advice, 

Sharp. Do you be wise, and take it, lir. But, 
to be serious, ^ou certainly have spent your for- 
tune, and out-lived your credit, as your pockets 
and my belly can testify. Your father has dis- 
owned you ; all your friends forsook you, except 
myself, who am starving with you. Now, sir, if 
you inarnr this young lady, who, as yet, tliank 
Heaven, knows nothing uf your mufortnnes, and 
by that means procure a better fortune than that 
you have squandered away, make a good hus- 
band, and turn economist, you still may be hap- 
I]y, may still be sir Wi1liam*s heir, and the 
ady too no loser by the bargain. Tlicre's reason 
and argument, sir. 

(jay. Twas with that prospect I first made 
love to her; and, though my fortune ha< been ill 
spent, I have at least purclused discretion «ith 

Sharp. Pray, then, convince me of that, sir, 
and make no more objections to the marriage. — 
Yuu see I am reduced to my waistcoat already ; 
and when necessity has undressed me from top 
to toe, she must b^ln with you, and then we 
shall be forced to keep house and die by inches. 
Look you, sir, if you won't reuotve to take my 
advice, while you hare one coat to your back, I 
must e'en take to my heels while I have strength 
to run, and something to cover me. So, sir, wish- 
ing you much comfort and consolation with your 
bare conscience, I am your most obedient'and 
half-8tar%-ed friend and servant. 


Gay. Hold, Sharp ! You won't leave me ? 

Sharp. 1 must eat, sir ; by my honour and ap- 
petite, I must. 

Gay. Well, then, I am resolved to favour the 
dieat ; and as I khall quite diange my former 
course of life, happy may be the consequences : 
Itt least of this I am sure 

Sharp. That you can't be worse than you are 
•t presenL 

Gay. [A knocking icitbout.] — Who's there f 

Sharp. Some of your former good friends, who 
favoured you with money at fifty per cent, and 
lielped you to spend it, and are now become 
daily memento's to you of the (oWy of Crusting 
rame^ following whores, and laughing at my 

Gay. Cease your impertinence ! To Uie door ! 
If they are duns, tell them my marriage is now 
certainly fixed ; and persuade them still to for- 
bear a few days longer, and keep my circum- 
stances a secret, for their sakes as well as my 

Sharp. O never fear it, sir : they still have so 
much friendship for you, as not to desire your 
riiin to their own disadvantage. 

Gay. And, do you hear. Sharp, if it should be 
any body from Melissa, say I am not at home; 
lest the bad appearance we make here, should 
make them suspect something to our disadvaft- 

Sharp. I'll obey you, sir ; bat I am afraid they 
will enisily discover the ctinsumptive stuatioo <u 
our affairs, by my chop-fallen countenanoe. 

[Ejit Sharp. 

Gay. These very rascals, who are now cont^ 
nually dunnii^ uid persecuting roe, were the 
very persons who led me to mv ruin, partook of 
tuy prosperity, and professed the greatest friend- 

Sharp. [WithoHt."] — Upon my word, Mn Kit- 
ty, mv master's not at home. 

Kitty. [Without.]— hooi^ey Sharp, I most and 
will sec iiim. 

Guy. lia! Whittdol hear? Melissa's maid ! 
What has brought her here? My poverty has 
made her my enemy, too — She is certainly come 
with no good intent — No friendship there with- 
out fees — She's coming up stairs — What mtut I 
do i I'll get into this cjoaet and listen. 

[Exit GaTLiai. 

Enter Sharp and Kittt. 

Kitty. I must know where he is ; and will 
know, too, Mr impertinence. 

Sharp. Not of me ye won't. — [.Jsjrfr.l— He's 
not within, I tell you, Mrs Kitty; I dontknow 
myself. Do you think 1 can conjure? 

Kitty. But I know you will lie abomioahly; 
therefore, don't trifle with me. I come from my 
mistress, Mclibsa : you know, I suppose^ what*sto 
be done to-morrow morning ? 

Sharp. Av ; and to-morrow night too, girL 

Kitty. Not if I can help it.— {>i«de.]--BBt 
cimie, where is your master? For sec Inm I 

Sharp. Pray, Mrs Kitty, wha^s your ofunioB 
of this match between my master and your nu^ 

Kitty. Why, I have no opinion of it at all; 
and yet most of our wants will he rriieved by i^ 
too: iot instance, now, your master wiU f/A a 
good fortune; that's what I'm afraid be waets: 
my mistress will get a husband ; tfaatfs what she 
has wanted ftH" some time ; yon wiU hsm it* 
pleasure of m^ conversation, and I an ofifan^ 
nity of breakup yonr head for yoor io^iMF 

Sharp. Madam, I'm your roost horoble h^ 
vant. But I'll tell you what, Mrs Kitty, 1 am 
positively aeninst the match : for was I • asitflf 
my master's fortune—— 

Kitty. You'd marry if you coald, and mtad it 
— Ha, ha, ha ! Pray, Sliarp, where docs jov 
master's estate lie f 

Gay. Oil, the devil, what a qaestioo was dNi*! 






Sitmrp. lie ! Li« ! Why, it lie^—fmith, I can't 
■miM wi; putimlar plkre; it ties in so mitiiy.— 
Hk «flactt wt divided, vmic Iiltc, sumo t1i«rr ; 
hit ^tcMtfd hiuillv knows liinisclf. 

Ktttjf. >ai(U-r»l, vcnttcrcd, t suppose. But, 
Wrk'c, Sdwrp. wliiu'$ becntnr of jp«ur furniture? 
You *cem to be a Itctlc \nti: here at present. 

Cejp. Wbat, bu sbc found out that, too i 


Sktfp, VVby. vou niU5t know, as lonn as ttic 
««d(fiiw wa» fiiJted, my moster ordered me to re* 
imive hu good* iota a fnond't linu«r, in iudVc 
mni for « boll whicU be designi tu ^ivc here the 
dfty after the marnapr. 

Ai7fV- 1^ luckieftt tli\a^ to the world ! Vcv 
toy nitstresA i1cvi;ds to have a ball oad entertain- 
raeM herv, irwti^ht, before the tnnrnage; and 
ihit'it my bu!>ii>i.-» nitli your maMcr. 

SJkirrp. Th« devil it is ! [Aude. 

Kitly. Shell ncit hnve it pubbc; nW designs 
l»ta«Ltc only eight or tea couple of friends. 

S/imrp, 2iu more? 

Kitty. No fDore : nnd the ordered mc to de- 
sire yoar master not to makc: a great entertain- 

Skmrp. Oh, never fcnr 

Kitty. I'cQ Of dofcn little nice thinfcs, with 
aorar Iniit, I believe, will be euough in all con- 

Siiarp. Oh, curse your conscience ! lAudr. 

Kittf. And wluu do you think 1 have dooc of 
tsT own brad? 

SUrp, What ! 

Kitty. I hnve invitM all my lord Siatel/s «ei^ 
taots bo ootne and w you, and have a dance in 
tbe kilcticn : Wrai't ynur muster l)c xurpriscdf 

Skmrp. Much so indeed ! 

Kiltif. Wall, be quick and lind out your mas- 
ter, and make what haste you can nith your pro- 
pMCKW*: you hare no 'time tu I'mc. fntliee, 
^harfl^ wha^s the mnltrr with ynu? 1 buvc nut 
actn jva for hiuis time, oad you !iecT» to look a 
finlff ihia. 

Skmrp, Oh my unfortunate &ce! — \Aiiitif.]-~ 
t^nBORgood health, thoiik yim, Mn Kitiy; 
■ol tllaaaore you I're a very ipmiI stomuch; ne- 
ver better in all my life; anil I am as full of vi- 

inr, huuv 

[Offert to kin hrr. 

Ktilp. What, with that face ! Well, bye, bye. 
— (Coufjr.] — Oh, Sharp, what ill-lnokin|; frilow!! 
•re iktne* wrrt ataadiflg about your door tvhtn 
1 otiB* ua } Tbey tnutt yuur master too, I sap- 

Sharp. Hum 1 Yes ; they are nraitinc for him. 
Ihey arc anme of hi^ lenants uui of the country, 
tkat want t'l pay him same money. 

Ktt(y. Teitaiita ! \\ bat, do you let bis tciiaiit> 
«»nd m liiL' street? 

^W/<. fTliey diouse it : )U they seldom coinL' 
^ tuint, they are wilhti{ to sec as muck of it as 

they can, when they do ; ctiey are raw, ignorant 
honest people. 

Kilty. Well, I mint nm home : farewell — but 
du you hear, get something »ut*«4>iiittal for us in 
the kitchen — a ham, a turkey, or what you will — 
we'll be very merry; and be sure to remove the 
tables ami chnint awav tlit-rc toi), that wn ntay 
have room to dmice : ( can't bear to Itc coufinott 
in my French donees ; tal, lal, lal — ^Datuiif;.] — 
Well, adieu! Without any compbment, I sliall 
die if I doa't see you soon. 

[Esit Ktrrr. 

Sharp. Aiul, without any compliment, I pray 
Heaven you may I 

Enter Gatless. 

[ Thfy look for f one time *orroa.Jml ai r«rA 

Gay. Oh, Sharp ! 

Sharp. Oh, miuter ! 

Gap. We are certainly undone I 

tihMrp. 'Plat's no nc«'fe to mc. 

Gay. Right or ten couple of dancers — ten or a 
dozen little nice dishes, n ith S(»me fruit — my lord 
Sutrly's servants— bam and turkry ! 

Sharp. Say no more ! ll)t: rcry sound creotes 
an appetite : and I am &ure of bte I have bad 
HU occasion for whelttr* aittl pnivo«iii\c*. 

Guv. Cursed mi&forlnnc ! What can we do? 

^itarp. Hang; ourv?lves. I sc« no otivcr rcioo- 
dy, except you Iwve a receipt to give a ball and 
a supper, without meat or music. 

Gay. MoliisH ha<i ccrtiiinly ttcard of my had 
drctimstancc*), nnd hns invented thi« sclteine to 
distrrsa mc, nnd break ufl' lite luatdi. 

S/tarp. i don't believe it, sir; bc^iig your 

Gay. No? Why did her maid, then, nuike «o 
strict an inguiry into mv fortune nnd nStiirs? 

Sfiarp. for tMo \cry ^^bHlalltial reiisons : the 
first, to witisfy a curiosity natural to her as a wo- 
man; the !VTond, to have the pleAaore (^ my 
conversation, very nntunil to her as a woman of 
taste and nuderstonding. 

Gay. Prithee, be more aerknis -. U noi our all 
at stake f 

Sharp. Yea, wr; and yet that all of ours i* <tf 
so hide consequence, that a man, willi a very 
small shore of philoviphv, may port from it with- 
out much pain or uneasiness. Ilowcver, lir, 1*11 
convince you, in Imlf an Itour, that Mrs Melisui 
knows nodiioi; of your ctrxmniManrcs; and I'll 
tell you what too, sir, she shan't be here to-m^ht, 
ond yet you shsJI marry her to-morrow mortt- 

Gay. Ifow, how, <h:ar SItorp ? 

Sharp. Tis here, here, sir! \Varm,wnno; fthd 
delays will cool it: therefor*, I'll awny to Iwr, 
mid do yoa be as merry as lo^e and poverty will 
permit you. 



Would voti siicceetl, r faithful friend depute, 
%V|iuW Iscad con pliui, and front can execute. 

I am the man ! and I hope you neitlicr dUpuCe 
my friviidsliip nor qualifications? 

Gu(/. Indrcd I don't, i'rittict^ be gone. 

pbiiri>. I fly ! [Zixunt. 

SCEXE n.— Melissa's iodgings. 

Knter Melissa and Kitty. 

MeL Yi>ii «irpri*e me, Kitty ! The matter aot 
I liwnie— rlic mnn in ton!'usion^nt> furniture in 

the hnii^e nod ill-lnokiiig felluws nhout the 

doors ! ' Vfi nil u riddle. 

Kittfi. Hitt very ctt»y lo be explained. 

Mel. Vnthve, explnhi it, llit n ; our keep mc 
loii-'cr ill su»pi-nce. 

Kitty. Hw nffiiir is rhi?, mndnm : Mr Guv'eM 
iii over ItCHd nnti cun m lU'lit; yi>u uremerliead 
ntidcflrs in Im-c; ymill lunrry liitn to-morrow; 
the next day your whule fitrtiine goet to liis cre- 
Hilon. «iid you nnd your rliildreii arc to Iitc cora- 
I'lirlBlily iipuii xlw rfinnmdcr. 

ilcl. I ruiitiot think him b««e. 

kttti/. Uut I know Ihcy ure all hnsr. You are 
very voiinifj nnd very i;:ni»rant of llic «CJt; I am 
vi>uitg, loit. hut liavc hud iimrc r\iH;rieiice : Vou 
iiertr ivii% iti Ime in-furc; 1 liu\t:' been in love 
uilh an hundrid. and tried them hU; and knuM 
tlu>iii lit U' 1 |)nrct-l tif liarlMraus, perjured, dc- 
ludlii{!. bi'Mit^'lung dcvili. 

Met- The lotT wretches you have lind lo do 
\iilh, tiiny on^uer t)>c clwnictcr yoagirctliem; 
hut WrUnylcss 

Kitty. Iv a man, mndam. 

Mtf. I lope so. Kitiy, ur I would have no- 

ttiiu<* lo rh> nith liim. 

Kitti/. With nil my litart — ■■! have ei%*cn you 
inr «*ntimi>nt» utinii the ocriLMon, and snail leave 
yuu ti> %uiir imn iudiuutiuitB. 

Aiei. Oh, mndnm, 1 om miirti nhlii^Ml In you 
Cir ynur tinnt cnudcsccnsiow— ha. ha, tin \ How- 
rtcr, I havi' Ml proat h irpanl fur ynur opinion, 
ihat hml I nriiiin prtiofs ul' his tilluuv— — - — 

Kiitfj. Of lir« porerty, vou mny have a hun- 
dtwl: \ am frurr, I ItiiveWl none to the con- 

Mel. Oh, tlien.' (he »hoe pinches ! [Atule. 

Kittif. Nnv, »i> fur from giving mc the n^ual 

fcnpiuiu-^ iif m% pincr* he nns ont >o mwli ns 
cpi Bic in temper, with little endeuring civili- 
itr»: t>nd ottc mi;;ht rcasutiably tufmct, tvhca d 
iiiitn )'• flf^cic-iit in one »ay, tlmt hrtlxiuM make 
it up in nni>t^u.-r, [KtmiiiHg uitkuttt. 

'Ahl. Kc who it) at ihc door. [KiiVKitn.] 
I mii%t be cnuUoii» bow 1 lienrLeii too much to 
tUi> eiti, IJrr bud opiiii>N)of Mr Ou^lcss secnii 
Id ariuu fro^i his dikrijjanJ of her. 

FnfrrSuARP andKlTTT, 

— So, Sluu-p, have you found tour master? 

Wilt iMngs l>c ready for the ball and cnCertuir- 
mciit ^ 

Sharp. To your wt»he«, niadnm. I bnve jttst 
niiw bespoke tiie music and cupper, and wait 
now tor rour hidv^hip's further commanrin. 

Mel. My cutnphnictiU to vour master, and let 
him know, 1 and roy cum^tHny nil) he nttb htm 
by iix ; ue dcfii^n to drink tea and play at catUs, 
before we dance. 

Kitty. So shall I and my ooinpaiiy, Mr Sharp. 

Sharp. Mighty well, mndnm ! 

MrL Prirhcr, Sharp, nhat makeft yon lunie 
witliout your coot ? Ti* too coo! to go to airy, 

Kitty. Mr Shnrp, mndnm, is of a very botoon* 
siitutiou-* — ho, ha, ha '. 

Sharp. If it fiad been ever so cool, I haw 
hnri t-oougb to warm mc since I came fran 
ItoiDO, I am sure ; bat oo matter for thai. 


MeL Whnt dVc mean ? 

Sharp. Pray, dnn'i *3k mc, mndam ; I beicflCfa 
yon, don't : let us chanfie the buhjecc. 

Kilty. Insist upon knnnmi; it, mndnm! Hj 
curiosity mu3t be uuislied, or I sliall bunt. 


Mel. I do inuftl upon knowing On ftau 

of my displeasure, icll mc- 

Stiiirp. If my ma»tcr sitould know— I mud not 
tell vMli, madam, indeed. 

Met 1 prorot&e you, opon my bimour, he t»- 
vpr shall. 

S/iiirp. But can your ladyiibip insure wtavj 
frcm that quarter ? 

Kitty. Yes, Mr Jackanapee, for any thiagwr 
can wv, 

Mel. t engage for her. 

Sharp. Why then, tu short, madam— 1 caaMt 
tell vnu. 

A/i7. Dim't trillc with me. 

Sharp. Thcn,sinrc you ailt hare n, nadan— 
I litvi my cnat in ripfprtrc «f y«nir rrputatiaa 

Mel. In defcuci.* uf niv r«pulntitin ! 

Sharp. I Kill assure yoa, lundom. I've iufiwf^ 
vrry uiiirh in defence of it ; nhicb is more lh»a 
I would have done for my own, 

Met. ['rilhce, explain ! 

Shiirp. In ftliurt, tmiHaro, you was K«n ^ 
bout a month ago lo make a Ttait Co mj nkfUr 


Mel. Alone ! my servant ¥ra» with me. 

Sharp. \\'\at, Mrs Kttiy? ."so murh thewon*: 
for she vta<t h>uk»l upon as my prD|teny. ind 1 
waK bniught in f;uilty, as well va you aod my tot*- 

Kittt/. What, your pmpernr, indtanaprs' 

Md What is all this? 







Sharp. Whvi madnm, n I came out but now, 
to nuiktt fwepBnition for vuu mitl your i-uiiijuiiiv 
to-nigh^ Mn Prv-oboat, Uic ■tinntcy'it Mire, »i 
ntu ilaar, calls to me : * Hsrk'o, r«lk>\v,' tnys she, 
' «Jo TOO and your mtiMcr kmuir, [lmt luv 

* hoMmnd shall indict your house at the uci'i 

* jpuriA OMCtiu^ for n nuirmnce i 

JUet. A nuifaacc ! 

SAarp. I MJd so A nutMuce ! I bclicvr, 

none iq Lbo neighbciurliood lire with owirc- tic- 
acocf and rcgulnrity ihuii 1 aiiJ inr tna-^lcr 
— ^» u really tlip mio— ' Decency and rcgulari- 

* tr r cncs she, with nmctr — ' whv, sirniU, iUkj 

* aot my winiiuw hmk iiilo ymir niiistir'* IxH- 

* chanibfrf and did not he briii^ in a ccrtnin tii- 

* ij KtcU a day f dcMrnbnig yiiu, mndmii. * Attd 

* l&d DOC I ice — -- 

Jklrt See! O. srandnloas ! Whii(.> 
Simrf, Mudcttly i-cr^uirrt my Kiloiice. 
HtL Did not von cunLrndici bcr f 
Shmrp. Contnuiict licr! Why, t bilil li(>r, I 
VIS Burc lilic litd * I'ur, Toundt ! saitl I. (for I 
nuld lutt liclp «»eaniittj lorn so mcII cuininced 
uf the lady'iand mv inii«tcr'» pnidence, ihnt 1 am 
sunt, had they a mrnd tu anmte th«(ii»Ucs, tlicy 
uiiuld certainly have drawn the wiuduw-cur- 

Met Wlint, did yoa sny nr)!!)^!]; else? pjd 
00* jmi cunvioce licr of her crrur and iinpcni- 

SAarp. She swore to such tilings, that I could 
do nolhve but swcnr aiiH call tinme<i ; up-m 
itluch,ciut bolts h«:r liLuboiMJ ujiun iiiR\>Uli a line 
tipcT crab iu hl> hainJ, nml iVU ii|)<fii nic »ttii 
nch violence, thntf bciii^^ hair' delirious, I made 
a fuU confc«ii>ii. 

AM. A full cutifession ! \N'tmt did you om- 

S^tu^. That my ma-stfr lovrd fitrnication — ■ 
Hmt you bad no avprMnn to it— that Mrs Kitiy 
WW a Imwd, aad vuur humble sen'mit a |jiiiip. 

Kiity, A ba«d! a bawd! Uo 1 look liLe ii 
faowdl, mMlain } 

Skarp. And >o, ntadam, in rhe Kuflfle, my 
•ft lorn to pieces, a& well at your rcputu- 

McL And su j>}u joined to moke ino infa- 

Siii'f- fir Heaven's 4rI(v, mndimi. what could 
1 dor Mi« pftxif* fell 5IJ lltii'k ii|Mitt tut--, dd v>it> 
ori* my hciid (Vi/«i»^ Ai* Acud pfiiutrrcj.], 
iliai I would hHte civeii up all the iiiiiutiMthrmft. 
lalhe ku4;(kMm mllmr thiUi have my bniiiik lic-ut 
Irt a ieltv. 

Iff r. \«-iy wtll ! but ni be rcveitgnl Ami 

Mtt you irll your mujiter of this? 
rp. Icll him! iNu, inadam. Ilod I told 
1u> Iavc i« Ml vinh-iit fur yiiti. that hi' ttonld 
«nuialy have murdered h^lf the ntuiniK-t ui 
Ivnt by this time. 
MtL Very well ! But I am revived pot lu ^o 
ra to-ni(ht. 

Sharp. llcaTcngandroyiiupudcDcubcpriiiaed ! 

Kiltt/. Why not, madum? If you arc dul j^il- 
ty, law your nccu*crs. 

Shirp. Oh the rievd I ruined apiin ! [Audr ] 
To l*c i.>jre, face tlmm by all mciuis, modaiu^— > 
Thuy can but br abusive, and hreiik the window's 

n little Ui'side», mailaiii, I h:ivc tliouj:ht uf a 

way to innko llua urtUir iiuilc diverting lo you — 1 
huvi> ti fme bluiidrrbuM, chained nitli half m 
hundred sliigis and my niastvr hna ii ikiicala 
Inrec Swiss bn»»il »tviml ; aiid betMCCi) us, ma- 
dum, 1VC !>hidl 9Q pepper and slkv them, Uuit you 
will die niiii Intif^iiig. 

Mel. Whiil, lit murdt-r? 

Kitty. Don't frur, tnndam; iborc will be no 
mncdtT if bhurp's cotirrmcd. 

Sharp. Municr, uwdam ! Tia self-defence.— 
Uc&ides, in these »>rt of ^Liniii-ihc*. theru nra 
never more ili:iii tnuor tlin*c Ldled : fur, suppiH 
Mti); tlicy hrins iIm* whnlc Urdy of inilitiu ii[Miii 
Us down hut with a. farotc of thcui, uiid uvvuy lly 
(he rest of tho cnvcy. 

.\trL Pcrsnnile me ever so much, I won't go; 
ihnt's tuy rcw>!utiou. 

Kiltif. Uhv, tiici), I'll tell you uhiit, madam; 
iiiice you are n^solved not to |;o tu the supper, 
suppose the -iupper rrus tu ctime to you f '1 is a 
!;rcat pky iiuch prcpnrarions as Mr 8liarp ha^ 
ruade should be thntwn uwuv. 

Sharp. So it is, vl% tuu say, Mrs Kitty. But I 
can inimcdiatclv run back, and mibc»pcnL wUot I 
have ordered; 'tit soon douc. 

Mel. But tlu-o, wtinl excuse can I scnfj to 
your luaster? he'll be very uiicusy at my not co- 

Sharp. Oh. tcrtihiy io ! but I Imve it— III tell 
Iiiin you are very mncli tmt of orikr — that you 
wore suddflnty i.iLi'ii with the vnpours ortpiitlmft, 
»r ivhai vnu plca^r, mndnin. 

^frl. t'il leave it lu yon. Shnrp, to mnkc my 
npoloey ; and ilM!rc'> hsi!f-a-guincn ft»r you to 
help yuur invention. 

iihitrp. llair~it-^iiinen I Tis so long since I 
had any thing to do with mnnry, that I iirarcvly 
Liiow iJie nirrent coin of my own (Munlry. — 
Oh, Sharp, uhnl tnlcnl:> hiut thou ! to sccur*- rhy 
master, drerive his mistrcs*, nullic her rlwmbcr- 
niai<l, ;md yet be paid for thy honesty ! Out my 
'y»y will diM^uver me. [AsiJe.] JMndniu, you have 
cteniallv Hxed Timothy .Slmrp, your moat oltcili- 
ent humble Mrrvant — ■■— -Oh tUc delight* of im- 
pudeuce, and a good uuderstaudiiig ! 

[£il'f SHftRI>. 

Kitty. Ha, ha, ha ! was there ever such u ly- 
ing varlet ! nith his sluiTS and hi^ bi'>nid swurtk, 
his attoriu^Ys, and broken liend.*, and iiuu^'nM! ! 
Well, matiiun, are you satUftcd now i Do yon 
vrant morr proofs.^ 

Mel. Of yuur modesty I do : But, I fitidyun 
are ttTMilvfil ut i;ivc roe lurae. 

Kttty. Mndoiu! 




Mel. I see through jrour little mean artifice : 
i^u are endeavouring to lessen Mr Gayless in 
my opinion, because he has not paid jrou fur ser- 
vices he bad uo uci-asion for. 

Kitty. Pay me, madam ! I am sure 1 have 
very little occasion to be angrr with Mr Gayless 
for not paying me^ when 1 believe 'tis fab general 

Mel. Tis ^se ! he's a geDtleman, and a man 
of honour, and you are 

Kttttf. Not in love, I thank Heaven ! 


Mel. You are a fool. 

Kitty. 1 have been in love; but I am much 
wiser now. 

Met Hold your tongue, impertinence I 

Kitty, That is the severest thing she has said 
yet. \Ande. 

Met Leave mc. 

Kitty. Oh this bre, this lore is the devil ! 

[£ri* KiTTT. 

"Mel. We discover our weaknesscss to our ser^ 
vants, make them our confidants, put them upon an 
equally with us, and so they become our advi- 
sers. Sharp's beliaviour, though I seemed to dis- 
regard It, makes me tremble with apprehensions ! 
and, though I have pretended tone angr^with 
Kitty for her advice, I think it of too mucii con- 
sequence to b« o^lMted. 

Enter Kittt. 
Kitty, Ifixj I speak, madam } 

MeL Don' a fuoL What do joa.wKA f 

Kitty. There is a servant just ooBoe «ut of the 
country, says be belonp to m WilUani jBa^less^ 
and has got a letter for you from bis master nji- 
on very urgent business. 

Me/. Sir WiUiam Gayleas? What cm thb 
mean i Where Is the man i 

Kitty. In the little parloar, madam. 

Mei. ril go to him— My beait flutters straoge- 

■ Kitty. Oh, woman, woman ! fboHdi wonaa i— 
she'll certainly have this Gayleas ; • naj, van ibe 
as well convinced of bis poverty as I am, ibe 
would have hio). A strong dote of love avvone 
than one of ratafia ; when it once gets into our 
heads, it trips up our heels, and thn gpod n^t 
to discretion. Here is she going to duow away 
fifteen thousand pounds ! upon what? Fwtfa, li^ 
tie better than nothing. He's a man, and tfaaA 
all — and. Heaven know^ mere man is bat aaaU 
consolation ! 

6c this advice pursued by eadi fond mai^ 
Ne'er slight the substance for an empty riaide : 
Rich weighty spariis alone should please and 

charm ye: 
For should spouse cool, his gpld vrill alwa^ 

warm ye. 



Enter Gayless and Svarp. 

Gay. pRiTBEB be serious, Sharp. Hast thou 
really succeeded } 

Sharp. To our wishes, sir. In alwrt, I have 
managed the business with such skill and dexte- 
rit];, tliat neither your circumstances nor my ve- 
racity are suspected. 

Gay, But now host thou excused me from the 
ball and entertainment I 

S^rp. Beyond expectation, sir — But in that 
particular, I was obliged to have recourse to truth, 
and declare the real situation of your affairs. 1 
told her, we had so long disused ourselves to 
dresnng either dinners or sappers, that I was 
afraid wc should be but aukward in our prepara- 
tions, sin Khort, sir, — at that instant, a cursed 
gnawing seized my stomach, that I could not 
help telling her, that both you and myself seldom 
make a good meal, now-a^ays once in a quarter 
of a year. 

Gaj/. Hell and confusion! have you betrayed 
me, villain? Did you not tell me this moment, she 
did not in the least suspect my drcumstances? 

Sharp. No more she did, sir, till I told ber. 

Gay. Very well ; and was this your skill ssd 
dexterity f 

Sharp. I was going to tell you ; bnt you wos^ 
hear reason : my melancholy face awl pitHWS 
narration, had such an effect upon ber genensi 
boweU, that :ihe freely furgives all tfaatfs past 

Gay, Dues she. Sharp ? 

Sharp, Yes, and deures never to see voor Ace 
again ; and, as a farther consideration m so d> 
in^ she has sent you half-»^ineft. 

[ShatDt the mmiy. 

Gay. ^V hat do you mean? 

Sharp. 1 o spend it, spend it, and rmle. 

Gay. Villam ! you nave undone mel 

Sharp. What ! by brining you moBey, wImb 
you are not worth a farthug in the whole VoU 
Welt, well, tlien, to moke you happy ^^feii^ T^ 
keep it myself; and wish somebody wouU tA» 
it in their heul to load me with sucb miiftr' 
tunes. [Put* mp the wmef- 

Gay. Do you laugh at me, rascal r 

Sharp. Who deserves more to be lau^iedsll 
ha, ha, ha! Never for the future, sir, dispats 
the success of my negotiations; when even yMi 
who know me so well, can't help swaUowbf aj 




Enter Kittt. 

hook, yfhjf or, I cDald have played fith ^ 
bnckwanl» and funvarrts at the end uf my lints, 
till 1 had put your un^M into auch a t'enncnta- 
bon, thit yuQ should not have Icnuwn, in an hour's 
tmie, whrtbcr yon vm a ti«li or a man. 

ifoy. Why, what is all tins yuu have been lel- 

SJtafp. A dvH-nright lie rrom begianing to 

Gmy. And hove you really excused toe lo her? 

Sbirp. No, sir; baC I bnvc pot lhi<> half-f{uiripn 
to ankc bcr exciu(--<t to you ! and in«t«nd of n 
oaufedtncy becween yon nnd mc Ut deceive ht.T, 
•he ihioks sbe bos bruoght mc over to put the 
deceit opoo yoa. 

O^. Thou ciccllcni fellow ! 

Stmrp. Doo't lose rime, but slip not of the 

»tne icnmediately; the back way, I believe, will 
be the lafcti fur you, aud tii her as fiut ta you 
cao ; pretend vast suqirise und cmiccrn, thnt hpr 
inHjtpMirion ba» debarred you the plraaure of 
ber CMnpuny here tcMiif^t. You nctid ktmtv ih> 
EBore ; away. 

Gmjf. But what shall we do, Sharp ^ Here's hcv 
MMd i^atn. 

■SAarp.l'be devil »hc is! 1 wish I could pui- 

soa bor : for Fm sure, while she lives, 1 can ne- 
ttt jKoipei. 

^^^fittif. Ymir door was open ; so I dJd not stand 
H^Hpn cerrmony. 

' Oav- I am sorry to hear your mistress is taken 

•a •oddenh-. — 

Kiitf. V^atiourv, vapours only, air; a few mn- 
triwomal omra<^ that 9 all ; but I suppose Mr 
Sbarp has made her excuses. 

Gny, Ami trtis me, I cmi't have the pleasure 
of tier roHipany t'>-raghL I had ainde n wnall 
lamrBbon ; but 'ris no mnttrr : Sharp stmll ku 
lo OS ttM q( the company, nml let (Item know 
tiaput oS 

iutty. Not for the world, sir! mv mistre*!) 
<raa •etMihIeyou mu&t have providi>d fur her nml 
As TCK of ihc company; so die is resolved. 
ibot^ she can't, tlie oUirr Uwlic* and e^tulemen 
•ball partake of your eiitertuinmcdt; she\ rfry 

Mmrp. I had better run, atid let tbom know 
*di drfcrprd. \Going. 

Kirty. [Sloppim/i Aim.] I have been with them 
«b«ady« aiid told theui my mtstres:! iiisift» upon 
^ml^ cuaantt aod thry haw ult proniis^d to be 
}mn ; i*>, pray, don't Ik- undfr nny apprrhciK^ions 
lha< T<jur preparatioas Milt Ik- thmvrii away. 

Omy. Bill as I can't have her CumpHiiy, Mrs. 
KtllT, *t«ill Iw II ereater pleasure to mc. and a 
IpTsiier oimpliment to her, to defer uur micth; 
boMrti, 1 eao'l riijny any thing at present, and 

kdhe Bot partake of il 
Mitiy^ CNi,oo! to be sure; but what can ] 

do ? my mistress will have it so ; aod Mrs Cad- 
aboat, and tb« rest of the cumpany, will bp here 
in a few minutea; there are two or three (»ech- 
fuls of tbcMij. 

Sharp. Then my master ratist be rained, in 
Hpid' uf my parts. [Aiiitle, 

Omt- {Andc to Sharp.} 'Tis all over, Sharp ! 

Sharp. I know it, sir. 

Oay. I Hhall ^ di»trai!ted ! what shall 1 do? 

Shurp. Whv, ur, as our rooms ttre a little out 
of furniture at present, take them into the cap- 
tain's that lod)!C!t here, and set them down to 
cards : if he should come in the moan limt--, I'll 
excuse you to hun. [Aside. 

Kitty, I have disconcerted their ntlairs I lind ; 
I'll have some »port with them. Fray, MrOavless 
don't order too many things: they only make you 
a friendly visit; the more ceremony, you know, 
tlje less welcome- Pmy, air, let mc entreat ytm 
nut to be profuse. If 1 can be of seri'ice, pray 
command me ; my mi'itress has sent roe 00 pur- 
pose*, while iMr Sharp i;* dolnf; the bu&iness with- 
out doors, 1 may be employed within. If vou'll 
lend me the keys of your 6ide-board [To SAurp], 
I'll dispose of youV plate tn the best adviuitacc 

Shtrp. Thauk you, Mrs Kilty ; but it is dispo- 
sed nf already. [Knock'mp at tkf door. 

Kilty. Bless me, the coiiipouy's come ! Y\\ gw 
to the door, and conduct tlicm into your presence. 


Sharp. If you'd conduct them into a horse- 
pTtur), and wait on them ther« yourself, wc should 
he more obliged to you. 

Gay. I con never support this. 

Sharp. Rouse your Huirits, und pnt on an air 
of f^aiety, and 1 don't uespair of farmoni; you off 

Gay. Your words have done it c0ectually. 

£n<er Mas Gai>*aiout, MrGcttle, MbTdif- 
PET, and Mm Taiprsr. 

Qad. Ah, my dear Mr Gayless ! 

[Kiurs him. 

Gay. My ilear widiiw ! [K'uwi Aer. 

Gad. We are come to give you joy, Mr Guy- 
less ! 

Shar^, You never was more mistaken in vour 
lif«. [Jade. 

Gad. I have brouicht soinr company here, 1 
believe^ is not well knonn to von ; and I protent 
I havr been all abimt the town to ^et the little I 
have Mr Guttle, sir, Mr Gayless; — Mr Gay- 
less jiisttce Guttle. 

Shurp. Oh, d('«trnction ! oneof the quorum. 

Gu{. Uriii! 'I'b'Jti;;!) 1 had not the honour of 
any pcnimitl kimwlvdKe of ynu.yet, at the inMi- 
iimioii itf Mrs IJiut»lM>ut, I hnie, withmit any 
^ncvious Acquaintance with you. thptwcrt »sidi>all 
ceremonv, tn Irl yuti knou-, tluit I jcjy to hear 
ttie solemnization of your nuptials m, so near at-- 




Gay. Sir, thoueb I cuwol anavrcr you with the 
same elitcutirin. Jiuvrocrf iir, I lliuilk you with 
the uiiiic Atitcciity. 

Cad. 711 r and Mn Trtppct, sir; the pmpf^rcst 
IndjT in the world Tor your purpose, for thc'l) 
i)niu:c for four niiH iwr-my hnun together. 

Trip. My dear Charles I am very uicrr with 
vou, faith ; so nenr mamagc, and Dot Ivt roe 
Know ! 'tff[t» bari>an)ua : jfHi (hnught, I suppose, 
J should rally you u^onit; hut dear Mm l nppct 
licre hn% Imiit nco eradicated all uiy aottiuutn- 
inomal pntictp]c«. 

Mrs Trifi. I cradjcaie ! lie, Ur Trippct ! dou't 
be %o obacfnc. 

K'ttv. Pmy. Udirs «rAlk into the next room ; 
3ilr Slmrp cuii'l lay lu> iluth till you aro &et duwu 
to cards. 

Gad. OrK* ihinz I liad quite forgot, Mr Ort- 
le!» : mv iiephrw, tvhoin you iKfvrr saw, nill fic 
in town from I'ninco prescotly : so I left word to 
Mfufl'him hcri' imini-ointr-ly to make one. 

liitj/. Ymi do tne honour, miidam. 

Sharp. Uo tlic ladies chtMMe cnnliv or the tap- 
per first? 

Cay. Sapper ! what docs the fellow mean f 

Gut. Oh! tilt* supper hy ali mi'sn^; for I 
have ruten nothini; to ^ij^nify siticc djuncr. 

Sharp. Nor I, since last Monday was a fort- 
nichu [Afitie. 

Gay. Pray, ladies, walk into the next room : 
Sharp, Ret tliiogs ready ibr supper, and call 
tlic mufttc. 

Sharp. Well wid, mn<.ier ! 

Ciul. Without ceremony, IndicB. 

[Errvnt lajin. 

A'lV/y. I'll 1:0 to tny mistress :u^d let her know 
ercij thing it ready tor her appearance. 

[Exit Kirrv. 

Enter Guiiir. iin(ISti\Rp. 

G«(.Pray,Mr\VlintVyour-pame, don't be loiip 
i^ilh ftuppcr : But harlee, what can 1 do in tlie 
mean time P Suppose you get me a pipe and some 
food voinc ; III tnr to divert myself thnc way till 
supper's ready. 

Sharp. Ur buppoee, sir, you was to take ■ nop 
till then; llicrrV a very easy coach in that ch»^eL 

Gtit. The best tlunR in the nnrUi; I'D take 
Tt>ur xdvice; but L4: bare run \\:ike me when tup- 
|Krr I* rvndy. \Exil iJtni.E, 

Sharp. Pmy hcn*-cn. you nmy not wake till 
ilum — vVhat a fitic situnrion my matfer is in at 
prtiseiiC ! I luiru ftrocniied bim my awitiaiKX ; 
hnt hit aflairs turr in >n desperate a way, titai I 
am afraid 'tis out of my skill to rernver him. 
Well. ffMjU have tbrtuae. »ay8 nn old proverb, 
and a very true one it is; for my mn>ter and J 
arc two of the mo<!t unfortunate mortaU in the 
ct cation. 

Enter Gatl£». 
C«)r. Well, Sharp, X hav* tet them down to 

cardn ; niiU tiovr what hive you to pmpotc ? 
Sharp. I have one scheme IcA, Mhtch, in all 

f)rulMthiliiy, nmy ^ucix-cd. The. f>r<>ud citiren, (ner- 
oadcd with his last meal, is taking a lutp in that 
riovt, in order lo pfi him an appetite for youra. 
Supuosei sir, we sluiuld make him trvat ut. 

Gay, 1 don't undefMQd yuu. 

Shtirp. ril pick his pocket, and provide us a 
suppLT with ihi' booty. 

Utty. Monstrous ! for without comiderioK the 
vitlntiy of it, the dsngur of wakii^ hitn makes it 
inipmclicabh- ! 

Sharp. It he awakes III sointher him, and l^ 
his death to illdiec!^tiol>— a very cmiuiioD death 
uinont: thf! pi'iiices. 

Gay. Pritheo be serious; wc have no ttme tu 
lose; ran yuu invent nothing tu drive tbctu ou 
of tite buiiw i 

Sharp. I can fire it. 

Gay. Sluune aod confuiifMi so perplex me 1 
cannot give niyMilf a moment't thought. 

Sharp. I liave it ; did not Mr% Gad-abooC «y 
her iK'phew would be liere? 

day. SJic did. 

Sharp. Hay no more, but in to your oompany: 
if I don't send ibeiu out of the Itmue fur tJic 
nt;tht, I'll nt len')t frighten titeir :»lomechs aw^; 
Olid if tlii<i »tnitu):cin fails, 111 relinfiuisit pohtia 
and think my undcrvtaiidiug no better Una ny 

Gay. How •.Imll I reward ihee, Sharp? 

Shnrp. Dy Yuur Miencc and ubedtcucc : any 
to your oMaponT, sir.' [JFJif GiVLt-a.]— Nim. 
<jf-ur madam Fortune, fur onre (^>eu your eyn. 
and hehuld a poor imfortiiiuite man of purti v^ 
dressing you : now i:» your time to cooiiuce yovr 
foes you are nut that blind, wlumsica] wliorc, 
thfv take you for ; but let them »ee, by your » 
sisting nie, (lint ineu of ioti>c. tu well b§ foots 
arc Mmipliines intitlcd to your fai*our nnd pratcfr 

tion. So niut li for prayer: now far a bM 

noi^c and n lie. [G«et a$idft and crict oaf.] \mf, 
hrlp, tnnatcr ! help, gentlemen, ladies ! dlunler. 
tire, Lrintstunc ^ Help, help, help ! 

Enter Ma G.vYi.rss and the ladie$ viik rur^ « 

their handt, and SuAnv rnfrri, raaaiitj, wU 

i/if ets them. 

Gay. What's the matter? 

Sharp. Matter, sir ! if you don't ron this wt- 
nute with that gentleman, ttiis lady's nepltew aill 
he niurdered .' I am ^ire it was lie; lie wa< Hi 
upon nt the corner of the sut-vt by four ; he b» 
killed two; and ifyou ilun't make haste, licli 1* 
either murUerud, <»r took lo prison. 

Gad. Kor Ilenvrn'a sake, (cnilrmea, ran V 
his nK»t»lan(e! tlow I tremble for Mo|i«*--~ 
Tins fi-olic of lier's nwv bo fatal. [4^' 

Gay. Draw, sir, auti fullovv me. 

[ErKitut G.kTtc» «wiG»>- 

Trip. Xnl \ ; I don't care to ron myN?lf !»*• 
necdk'K <|uurrels; 1 liavc suiTcrvd lou uiucb f"'^ 






zncrl; by fijin^ into pnssionS! bf-iides, I hnre 
paoncd DA^ bonour lu JUn Trippet, never (o 
linw HIT flNord ftgain ; nnd, in her prewot condi- 
tion, to bremk tD7 word might have fatal consc- 

Aorip. rrav, sir, don't excuse yourtetl'; tlic 
jtxrag pnilnnan mav be murdered by tliis time. 

'[\yt. Tlicn ray awsUiDce will be of no service 
In bim ; biiwever-'lll go to oblige you, and look 
«ia al a ilistBore. 

Mn Trip. I eholl cettaialy faint, Mr Trippet, 
if you draw. 

jEi/cr OiriLE, divrdercd, Atfr<»it i/ecyi, 

fiut. What iiuiw and confusion is tliis? 

Skaff^ Sat^ tberc's a man murdered io the 

Out. l» tbnt nil ^ Zuuiuh } I wn^ afraid you 
had tbrown ihc ftup^ier down — A plofiiic nf your 

vtme [ ftttait't recover my uoiuach this lialf 


£af«rGavLEsa un4tfGAD-A»ovT. ki/AMllisa* 
M itPjrV clothe*, drtucd in tkt French manner. 

Ottd. Well, but my dcnr Jemmy, you are not 
bvrt. tare i 

Jle/. A lillJe with riditta post oiilr. 

Gad' Mr bliM-p alarmed us all vith an ac- 
count of rtmr h^iiiu; siM upon hv four men ; iluit 
yoa bad lulled Iwu. and nvs Dltacl^in^ (liu other 
nhcn tic cnme avas ; oud wlkeii wc luct ^-ou ut 
the door, wc were runainic to jrour rescue. 

Jlfc^ I had a small rencounter with ttalf a- 
doicii villfiiis; but, finding inc re«ulute, tticy 
•crc wise euouch to take to their bccU: 1 be- 
livTc I K-ratcbed some of them. 

( Ijtying her hand to her tirorrf. 

Skgrp, llii vanity tuu raved niy credit 1 
liBTC M ihau|;bt come into my head may proie to 
our advantage, provided Mnit&tcur's. ignorHiirc 
bears anv pntp'irimn lo his inipudciH:^. [Aiidc. 

iittd. \iiw my frit^lilS iivf.r, It^t iiie introduce 
TOM, my dear, tu Air Gaj^less. Sir, this is my 

Gaif. [SalutM^ Afr.] Sir, I shall be proud of 
your fneodship. 
Mf /. 1 doii t doubt tmt we ftbuU be better ac- 

1<)tmittCcil ill a little unic. 
Gyt. IVay, sir, what newi in France? 
MeL Faith, sir, very little that I know of in 
the pultliod wav : I had uo time to spend among 
tltf politiciaiu- \ wai 
Cffy- Atuvne Uie ladies, I suppose ? 
iiei TiMi tuucli iiidet'il. ruitli, I linve not 
|i«lDwphy en<Mj)|:h to resist iheir solicitaiiuni ; 
jwi uke inc } ' [ro G * Y 1 1** audc. 

Hiy. Yes, to lie n must incorrigible fop: 
^^cuh, this puppv's iiuperiiocnrc ia on ndditian 
bsvouMry. [Audeto'^nx%v. 

Mi Pow Gsylcss ! to irhat »bift9 a he redu- 

ced i 1 cannot bear In iiee liim much lunger in 
tins condition ; t sball diacnver nivwlf. 

\Audt to Cao-aboi^. 

Cad. Not t>efore the end of the play : bcM- 
de», tlir more his pain now, the greater hi« plea- 
sure wlicii relieved fn»m it. 

Trip. Shall Hc rcuini to our cards? I have n 
lOfli prendre here, and qiu^t insisc you play it 

Ijidiet. With all my heart ! 

MtL Altoni done— -\Ai the company gart out ^ 
Sharp puth AIklissi btf the tUtve.'] 

Sharp. Sir. sir ! Shall 1 bee leave to spcn 
with you i Pray, did you find a bank-note in 
your way hitlKr ? 

Mel. What, between here and Dover, do you 
mean f 

SJturn. No, sir, witliin twenty or thirty ynrtli 
of this tiousc. 

Mel. You arc drunk, fellow ! 

Sharp. I am undone, sir, but not drunk, 111 
Assure rou. 

MeL What is all this? 

Sharp. I'll tell yciti, Mr : A little while a,co, my 
master sent me out to chaniie a note of twenty 
pound<i; hut I, unfortunutely, lieuriu;; a noiw in 
the street of, Oainn-mc, sir! nnd closhiii); nf 
swon|4, and UaMrnl, nnd Murder! 1 runs up to 
the place, and saw four men upon onei nnd 
hnviim beard you was a ntetiie«nme young 
gentleman, I immediately ronchided it mu»ii be 
you ; Ml Rill back tu call my uiaMer; ami when 
I went to look tor the note to clintisc it, I 
fouud it gone, either Molc or lost ; and if 1 don't 
$;ct the moitey immediately, I »liali certainly be 
turned out of my place, and LoK my cbanu> 
tcr— — 

Mel. 1 simll 1au|;h in his face. [.f>ide.] — (ih, 
I'll nprak to your miisler hIhiiU it, ami he will 
foriiivo you, at my inicrcessiuu. 

Shfirp. Ah, sir, you dtm't know my master. 

Mel. I'm \crv little ncqimmtcd unit him ; but 
1 h;iic heard he's a very pood-naturcd man. 

Sharp. I luive lieard so loo ; but I liave l*ell it 
oihcrw'iBV : iichiiSM) much co'Ml-nature, timt'it I 
could C4>mpound f<ir one broken-head a day, 1 
slionid think nivwlf very well oll^ 

Mel. Are you serious, friend? 

Sharp. LwjL'e, sir, I take you fi>r a man of 
honour; there is something in your tWe llmt is 
pcoerous, open, and masculine ; you don't look 
like a foppiidi cfieniinatc tcll-tnic ; Mt I'll venture 

Io trust you Sec here, ftir, [SheuM hit hcad.^ 

lliesc arc the ejects of niv lUiutcr's g,ood-nnture. 

Mel. Matchless iftipmleiice ! [Aside.] — Why 
do you live with him, tlien, after such umgfif 

Sharp, lie's worth a prcat deal of mooej- ; 
nnd when he"^ drunk, which is commouly once 
a-dnv, he's very free, and will gi\c nic any thing: 
but \ design to' leave hiui when he's married, for 
nil thnt. 

JUr^ U he goiog to bo tnarried then f 





iSAor/i. To-TDorrnw, nr'i nod between voti luid 
[ 1, he'll inert wjtii his match, both for humour and 
OOWtJuiii: el*c lou. 
ijifrA Wliai! i^he drinki, too ? 

S^rp. Dainnablv, sir; but mum — You must 
knuw t!iU ciiturtnitiTnent wH9de%i||;i(f?d formiuiiini 
tu-tii^it; bul khe fpt 90 very piy after d:nncr, 
that she oouM oot walk, out ul' her own house ; 
«o her maid, who was half j;oDe too, came here 
with nn cicase, tlmt Mis .VIi>li<u»a Itad yot the 
vnpoun: ukI m site UtA iiiducd vidteiitiy, here, 
lif rr, sir. [Pointing to hit ktad. 

MeL This » scarcely to lie homn. [vJiw'de.] — 
McIissa! 1 have bnanl of her; the; tay she'll 
very whiint^iml, 

Sharji. A very wnman, an't |ilea<(e yuur hon- 
our : nnd, brt>A'«eii you and 1, none of the niilde»C 
and wisest uf her sex — But to return, sir, to tJie 
twenty pounds. 

Met. J am frurpri&cd, youj wito have got so 
raiicli inone)- in his service, should be at a loss 
for tvrcitly pound, to save your biWK'a at tliu junc- 

Sharp. I have put all ray money out at in- 
tcrckt ; I never keep alravr me pounds by tne ; 
ai^d if your honour would lend inc t)>e otlicr 
fifceco, and Cake tny note for it— 


Mrl. Somebody 'a at the dnor. 

Sharp. I con gi%c very goud srcuritr. 


Mai Dnn*c let the people wait. Ut. 

Sharp. Ten pounds will da [Knocking. 

Mel. AlUz Toit$ en. 

Sharp. Five^iir. [Knocking- 

Met. Jr tie puii pas. 

Sharp. Jc ne puu pes .' — I find we ihnn't un- 
derstajw one amnltcr; I dn but Iom: time; aiid il' 
I Itad any thought, I might luivu kuown thtsc 
young fop5 return from tlieir tnivclk jzencndly 
with as little money oa uaprovenient. 

[Esit SHinp. 

Md. Ha, ha, bn ! what Iie» docs diis ftllon 
iflVeoU Mid what rojcuerieii does he commit, for 
his mutr/f lernce ! There never, sure, was n 
tnore faithful servant to his master, or a grrater 
rofEne in the re«t of mankind. Hut here hf atm(r& 
again : the plot tliicketta; I'll in, and obvene Oav- 

JmI. [£xjf McLtSA*. 

Knter Bmap, brfore tera-ai periont, n-iYA diiJttt 
in their hanils, and it C'wA drunk. 

Sharp. Fortune^ I thank lliec I the mn>t lucLv 
acndpii: ! [A»idt.}—l\m way, KeuUeDien; this 

Cnok. I am at'niid I have mistook the bouse. 
Is this Mr I'l-earvi'cll's? 

Sharp. IIk same, the aauic t VMiat, dnu'c you 
know mc? 

Cup*. Know ¥00 1 — Arc you sure there was a 
' npper bespoke here ? 

Sharp. TCI, upon my bonnur, Mr Cook ; the 

companyjis in the ttext roans >^ "<"'( ^^^'^ spam 
withnat, liad not you hroiieht it. I'll dmw a 
table. 1 Mie you have broufbi a c!r:' - -'- >ii; 
but you need oot Itate done that. 1 >- a 

very good stock of Itnen — at the puw.^^.,..^. .. 

[Rxit, anJ rctum$ immaiiatefyt itiwm 
iitit in a tobift 
Come, comcf roj boys, be euick ; the eoopan^ 
bc^i to be very uneasy; nut I knew myoM 
friend iick-«pit here would not fiiil oa. 

Cook. IJck-5pit ! I am 00 iVirnd of toim'i; m 
I desire less famdiBrity : Ijck-spit, too ! 

Enter GxYLts% and $tar<t. 

Cm/. Wlmtisallihis? 

Sharp, iair. il the sa^ht of the sapper n 
sivc, I can ensily Iwvc it rcmnvcd. 

[Attde to Gatloi. 

Gn^. Prithee, explain thyself. Sharp. 

Shiirp. Somr of our ncighlKturi;, I 
liavc br«pi>kc this Hi).<i<er; but the cook has 
nway Ids memory, lorcot the house, and brouf!)it 
it here : however, sir, if you dislike it. I'll Irll hnn 
uf bis mi^Like. nnd Mitd him about his busioeak 

G'li/. Hold, hold ! net e^^ity obliges nie, apiinft 
my inctiiiation, to favour tlic cheat, nod feast at 
my neiphtiour's cjipcncc. 

Cot)k. Ihirk vou. friend, is tlint your niuslerf 

Sharp. .\y: and the best titastcr in the world. 

Cook, I'll speak tti him then— air, I have, af 
cordiitw to your commands, dressed as genteel i 
supper as my art and y<.mr price ivtiuld ntlmit of. 

&hnrp. Good again, sir ; 'tis pctid fur. 

[A^iiU toGAXLgm, 

Gat/. I don't in the least questioii yvur ab^ 
litieSfMr Cook ; and I'm obtigttd to you for year 

Cook. Sir, yoo are a geulleman — And if vm 
would look hut over the bill, and approve it, 
[Pulk out a biU.] you will, over and above, rv- 
Cum the obltcntiun. 

Sharp. Oh, the devil ! 

Ofiy. [ LooktHg on a bilL] \'ery well, 1*11 «r«l 
ray man to pay you to-morrow. 

Cook. I'll spare him the tniuMp, and lakl|jj 

with me, sir 1 never work hut for readjr 


Gay. Ha! 

Sharp. Then you wnii^t have our custopw — 

[Atide.] MymaMer :• bosy now, (liandt Do 

yul) think he wuo'i pay youf 

Cook. No matter what Z think ; rithrr af 
nicut, or iny ntuney. 

Sharp. Twill be vtry ill-con«eni*at for lu» *■ 
pay rou lo-nii;ht. 

Cwk. Ilieii I'm afraid it will be iH-connr^ 
to pay mc tt>-morrow; so, d'ye hear 

Enter MrttsSA, 
Oay. Prithee be ndvised ■ 'vtealh, I Allf' 
dL<Kovered • [Takn tht C«A mdf' 






MtL [To SniRp.] \Vhftt'« tli* mntttr? 

SiMTp. Ihe cook hut not qiiitf nmvsere^ my 
nantert rxpcctiilionH iilvxit tlic »npppr, tir, aiHf 
ht^* A lirtt« nngry nt liiui ; LHut'» hII. 

Jklei. Come, Cfimc, Mr Onylcu, don't br iin- 
ratr; n butchrlor runnnt he siippoM-H to hnve 
tfluig» ia the utmost rtfruUritj ; we Hnu'c ex{<ect 

Cook. Dnt I do expect it, mid will Imvc it. 

ife/. Whni does tfiat tlniiikcn fuul ^ny ? 

Cook. Ttmt I »itl luv<^ my nvmcy, mid I uon't 
BtBT titl ti>-morr<jw — nriil — niKJ 

SMarp. [Runt itnii ttoftt Ait moulfi.] Hold, hold! 
wliat tav \oo dmnif ? Arc you innil i 

Mel What do vou nop the mnn'v brcatli for? 

itikarp. Sir, lie wn'^ ^■'■iit; uy ciil) Tou n:ifnc«. — 
Doot DC abukivr, l.'*tuk ; tlie ficnrkiitiui i& a iiiuii 
of bofiour, and vuA nothing to you : jiriiy be pn- 
cMcd ; yiMi arr in lif|uor. 

Cook. I will Imye my- ■• 

jii^/7. [lloldina: sti'l/.] Why, I tetl you. Tool. 
yoa auMiiCe the ccntlcinnn; he's a fric-nd of mr 
nSMtt r\ and hoa tint said n wnrd to you. Pray, 
good ur, V.O iiilu iIh- next ru<>ni; the fellonS 
dnink. and tates you for Riiofht-r. — You'll repent 
this when you are sobiir, fneiiil. — Pray, sir, ouiA 
stay CO hear bif iotpertincnce. 

Gau. Pray, sir. vMilk in — He's below your an- 

Atri, Dmnn 1)10 rasml ! \^ hat does he mean 

by affronting mc ? Let the scoundrel gf» ; lit 

eih hi* bnitnlity, [ wairunt yiHi. Ilen-'^ Ihf 
1 rrfonTicrarnninurnt in the innvcr«c> [Orairi 

ik f««^l i'^ liiin »*>• t Kiy ■ 

Skmrp. Soy »o, you liave done finely now — Get 
fmj u fast as ynu ran : lie's ttio fnott ctnini- 

Ouvs menlcaoine innu. in nil England Wliy, 

if hit puMon wu up, he could eat you— Malcc 
pu rtcBpe, yon fool. 

Caik. I won^ — ent nie ! belt liud me damned 
tinl«»f iliti'sTino, thnnsh 

M«y. Prithee, come liere; let me ipeak with 
JWL [Theif nolle mide. 

Enltr Kitty. 

£"v. Cnd'« ine ! is supper on tiic table nlrcn- 
^* >if, pray defer it for a feu moments ; tn* 
1 1» touch better, and will be here iinim^ 

Se, indeed r Blew ine ! — I did not 
. jwevtT — Sharp ! 
A:f '^, Wluil nicceu, madam ? 

[Anuie to 7kIrLi«ji. 

«f^ Al we coald wiili, C'n ; but he !•> in wich 

Pj'wd perpleiJty, I coii't hi>ld it out inncli 

'u^jr- Ay ; diot holding out is tbc rum of half 

^^f- I have pacified the cook ; and if you 
** •* burrow twenty piecei of that yoiini; pric, 
■^ "^J pa <rcU yet ; yoa may nicccc<l, tliough I 

conlH not. Remetnber what I told yoa — aboaE 

it >triiit>lit, pir *i 

Gttif. Sir, wr — [To Melissa.] — I beg to speiUc j 
a word with you ; my servanr, sir, tells rae he hafj 
had the inisfortane, sir, to love a note of mine or 
iweiitv pounds, wlndi 1 sent him to receive — an^i 
the bankers' ihft\n beine ^hut up, mid ha%in)[ rol 
17 little cash hy me, I should be much obliged id\ 
ynu if you would fuvour nic with twenty piccet] 
till tu-inorrow. * < 

MeK Oh, sir, witH oil my heart— [ToAm^ aut 1 
hcT ^lurif.] — and ai I have n smull favour 10 beg 
of yu, sir, the obtieaiinn will be mutual. 
Git't. How may I oblige vou, sir? 
M*-/. You are to be married, I hear, to Mc^ I 
lissn i 

Oat/. To-morrow, sir. 

jW«. llten youll oblige me, sir, by never see- 
in); her H*ain. 

Gay. Uo you cnll this a amatt favour, sirP 
Mtl. A mere trifle, sir; brcakiitc of contracts, 
wiinc for dirorccH, coinraiHiiin nduliery, and sucb 
like, lire all reckoned trifles no\v-t»-days : and 
!>m«rt youn^ fellows, like you ami luyscif, Gay- 
lews -Jiould be never init of fashion. 

6'mv- But, pray, sir, bow are you conrerJied m 

\i(L Ob, ^r, vou must know I have a very 
great rei^ard for ^felis5a, and iitdeed t^he for me : 
iind, by the by, I hare a most drspicabk opinion 
rifyou; for, entrenout, I lake you, Chiir^c», to 
be a very icreat scouadret. 
Gaf. Sir ! 

Mil. Nay, dou'llook fierce, sir, and ^ve your- 
self airs — Oamnte, sir, I aliiill be tlmjughyouf 
IxmIv. elw, in the snappiiiK of :i fincer ! 
Guy. I'll be as quick as you, villain ! 

I Ortfof, and makcK at Mrii^A. 
Kit. Hold, hofd ! murder! Ytiti'tl kill my mis- 
iTcas — the yuime cenileuinn, I mean. 
Oiiy. Ah, lier mittress ! 

[Drops his MteortI, 
Sharp. How! Melissa! Nay, then, drive away 
cart — all's over now. 

Enter tUl the company^ langhing. 

•Cad. Wliat, Mr Gnyless. engaging with Me- 
lissa l»cfore your time? Ila, ha, ha ! 

Kitty. Your liinnhlc M-rvniti, c<mk) Mr Politi- 
nmi — [To StiAnp.] — VhJs is, qtiiticuu-ii and la- 
die^, flic niimr celehnntvd and inttcntous Timothy 
Sltotp. Roliemtr-eeiiend. and redouhted Mjuire to 
the most renowneil mid fortunnic ndvcnturtr, 
(.'haHes r.aylrss knitriK ot" tbc woeful ounnc- 
nniire 1 lui. ha, tm ! Oh, iltat dismal face, and 
more divnal bend of yniirs ! 

[Stritift SiiABP upon fhr hrod. 

Sharp. Tis cruel lu you In disturti a man in 
ius Inst neonies. 

MfL Nuw, Mr fJayleM ! What, not a word? 
Yoa are scasibic I c»n lie uu sttunger to yuor 




inisfortanes ; mnd I miglit reaionabl^ expect on 
eiinise for yi>ur ill iri'aiincnc nf inc. 

Gay. No, miulam, silence is my only refujEC ; 
for to endeavonr to vindirate niv crimes, woulii 
fthiiw n grraucr vnuit of virtue tlurn even the coni- 
niu>»itiii *>r tlicm. 

Md. Oh, OajlesA ! 'twas ponr to impose upon 
a wiimaii, niid <>nc th»t lovnl viu, too I 

Gajf. ,OU, most iinpnriltiiiable ! but mjr Dccc^ 


SAarp. And mine, madam, were not to be 
mUehed, I'm sure. »* this ^irlc starvinij. 

Met. \iif> tears Imvc suftciird me at onoe — 

Ymir necessities. Mr Gayleu, with such real con- 
trition, nre ton powerful iiuiliveK not tii ntlVct llie 
brea>tl alrrady prejudiced in your favour. You 
bave kuffercd too much already for yourextrnvn- 
gatu'c; and as I taike part in your suflcriTigs, 'tis 
iCnMH); mvself to relieve you : Know, tlK'refure, 
I nil lliHl'^ pabt I freely foniivc. 

Gay. You cannot mean it, sure } I am lost in 
Vf >ndvr ! 

Mel. Prepare vourvlf for mnro w/^nder — Yoii 
have another frtciid in muaqucmdc liurc. Mr 
Ci>oL, pray throw a^de your drunkenness, and 
inake yuur &oUer appearance. Don't you know 
llint face, Mr ^ 

Ccok. Ay^mutor! wtmt, have you forgot your 
frif-nd Dick, a^ you used to call iii« t 

Oaif. More wonder indeed ! Uon't jou live 
with my father i 

Mel. JuM afimr your Hopeful Kerrant, t1ier<-, 
li.nd Itft mp, cnmps this innn from sir Willinm 
with tt letter to me; upim winch (beini; by thnt 
vrholty convinced of your iiccessil'ms Cfinditiouj 
I invctited, by the help of Kitiy and Mr* Ood- 
attout, thi> little plot, in wlucli vour fneti<l Di(-k, 
there, has acted uiinich-*, resofvine to tctue you 
a little, tlial yuu might have n greater relish forn 
happy turn in your atfHin. Now, sir, read that 
letter, Biid cnnipleic your joy. 

Gay. I Hfadt.] — ' Madam, I :un father to tlic 
' unfiirtuiinie youiipniaii, wh<i, 1 heitr, hy a friend 

* of mine Cthat hv my de«ire baa been a contiuu- 

* al spy u|i<)n him), i« nuikini( hi^ ad<1rc4KS to 
'y^u: if he is to happy ai to uiakv hiniwlf 
' agreeable lo you (whose character I am drnriu- 
' cd with), I shall own him with joy for uiy sun, 

* and fori^l his funner tollies. 
* I nm, inaditui, 

* Y^our most humble servant, 

* Wli.LtAM ilATLF.**.' 

' p. S. I will be soon !n town myself, lo cuu- 
' grotulute his late refortuaiion and inamugc' 

QUf MclixB, ibis is tuu much ! Tims let mcabow 

my tlianks and f;nititude — [Xnce/i'ng, iW raisn 
/iintA — for l»eri; 'tis only due. 

Sharp. A reprieve ! A reprieve ! A reprieve ! 
Kitlt/. I bnvr been, nir, a mu^l bitter enemy 
to ^ou ; hut, since yuu are bkely to be a little 
more cunvcr^ant ivith cmsIi lluio you liave bt^eii, 1 
am now, with the greatest sinoeniy, your must 
obedient friend, and humhlt- <t«naiiL And I 
h'lpt', sir, all forinor cntuity will be forgotten. 

Gay. Oil, Mrs Pry, I have been too much lo- 
dulf^ed with fori^ivenuess myself, not to forpvc k»- 
bcr offences iii other people. 

Sharp. Well, tliLii, iiiadom, liuce toy master 
has vouchsafed pardtHi to your handmaid Kilty, 
I hope you'll not deny it lo h in fuotnuiu Tiiut>* 

Mel. Pardon I forwiiat? 
Sharp. Only for tcUiitft you about ten thouwiid 
lii'S, niudnm ; and, amun^ the r«»t. iiwcaatUf 

(hal V""r ladyihip would 

Mel. I understand you ; and can for^vai 
thing, Sharp, that was dcsitrned for the scrvii 
your master : and if Pry aiid you wtl) follow our 
example, I'll (;ite her a small fortune as a K- 
ivard fur both your fidelities, 

Siiarp. I fancy, inadnin, 'twould be faetler to 
halve llie •tniall lurtuue between un and keep ■» 
bull) single; for as «e shall lite in ll>e sanm 
Kuuae, in all proluihility «vc may taste the coas- 
fort^ of malriinii[)>, and not be troubled with ICS 
inconveniences — What wy you, Kitty? 

A'lt/v. Do you hear, .Sluirp? before ^o talk 
of the ajmloris of matnmony, ta^te the cnmfniti 
(if a punt dinner, and recover your Acsh a blllc; 
do. puppy. 

Skat p. The devil backs her, that's certaia! 
Hiid I am no match for her at any weapon. 

AlrL And now, Mr GaylcM, tu ^how I lltft 
not provided for you hy halt-es, lei the mtoic 
prepare tltciu^Klvcs, and, with the approbatioi of 
the roiii)ianv. we'll have a dimcc. 
Jit Bv nil means a dnnce ! 

Gut. by all meaait a dance nder npfo, 


SAafp. Oh, pra)|, sir, ha»e supper 6rst; mHo 
sure I shan't live till tl>e dance t« 6nuiho(i 

Gay. Ik'hold, Melissa, a» sincere a etmrcrta* 
ever truth and beauty made. Tlte wild ii 
tuous sullies of my youth are now binwnd 
and a ni(Mt pleasing culm of perfect ha|~" 

Ihus £tna's Aames tbe verdant earth tn^ 

Out milder Iwut makesdroopinc nature blsM* 
So vtriuou" love aiKirds us snrineini joy. 
) Wliibl vicious passioDij a» tiiey burn, doCror- 

[ficaal flWt* 

Enter Captais Lovhit and PiTf. 

^C*ft Tnin is the plnce we were directed tn; 

ttlm^^t I'ulE il' I t-'nii uut no iiilelligentx- of her, 

^B *il] Itrcrtnr of nie ? 

Buf. And nw »«o, sir? — Yini miiirt cooiidcr I 
■■•ntnmrd nmii, arid can't Im-ot fari^ut oa J 
^ dune, lliit, pruy, sir, »hv did ynu leave the 
Ifvir i>i wlirufitlv, Aitd not gtve mc time to fill 
'^uiapvirk with omiitmn iMTcssanes ? Half r 
"ics thirt*, aiid ;our regimontaU, arc my whulc 

C«fl, I wa« wild lo Brt nwinr ; and as wjon ■■ 
**iKatiied tnv I«hvp of aliwncp, I ch<fiif;ht every 
•*WQt an aep tdl I returned to the place wlierp'l 
ff^ Mw thn jrming, charming, innocent, bewitch- 


Ai/ VVi(h fifto«o thuusaiid pouniU for her 
•'''TBne — MTime nuMivc:*, I must ciinfeu. — Ami 
'**. *'r, itf y«« ncp jf!eiiM>(J to •«▼ Ton muist de- 
I**) ipftii mi rrtrr nnd al]ililic» m th» iiffair. I 

'■■nl I haT« a jtiat ri^bt to be ac4]iuuutcd niiii 

the partirntan of ypar pa»ian, tliat I maj be ll>0 
better enabled la ttervc you. 

C«/pr You 4haU hare them. — When I left the 
univrmitv, which 'i» now leren mnntJis iince, my 
fntlier, «lu] Itivea liu mnnev better than his wn, 
and would not iwttle u farthinit upon me — 

I'u^. Mine did so by me» sir 

Capt. PurduAed mc a pair of «>lour» at my 
own request; but before 1 Joined the ^e};imen^ 
which was puiite abroad, I toolt a ramble into 
the cnuntrr with a fcllow-ctdlcEinn, to see a re- 
lation of his nlio !i\cd in iJcrkshire 

Puff^. A parly of pleasure, I suppose? 

Capt. During a short stay there, I came ac- 
quainted with thit rount: creature: ihe wn» just 
come from tJit hoardintf-nchool ; and though she 
had all the simpli-ctty of her age, and tin.' couii- 
irr, yet il wn« niiied with such sensible riraciiy, 
thai I t.iok fire nt ooce.^ 

Pti^'. 1 was tmder mvself nt your u^e. Rnr 
pray, sir, did yoa tnLe fire before yoo kf»ew of 
iiiT fortune? 

Caftt. Before, opon my boiionr ! 




Puff. Folly and constitutioa^But on, sir. 

Copt. I win intHMitJccd to the t'aniiiy by thr 

, oume of [lodopliil (fur hi my cuoifHiiiion niiH 1 

fibid settled it): at the end of tliree wm-Wa I M'a» 

'obliged to attend tlic call of iiUDour id riaiKltrra ^ 


Pu^. Your parting to be nin^ was heart- 
breaking ? 

Capt. I feel it at ttiU in«tant We vowed 

Ictenutl con^taney, and I promised ti> take the 

■ first oppitrtuiiity of rt'tuniiii^ to her. 1 did «o; 

but wc founil the hou»c was shut up; and nl) 

the infurntAlioti, you know, that we could ^et 

• from tlie iii-^hbouriiig cottage wa^ thai mis* and 

I hrr aunt »"rcrc retumtfl to town, and lived some- 

wln-rc near tlits port of it, 

Pufi". /\nd now we nre eot to lite place of ao 
tion, proprtse \our pluii of operation. 

Capt. My father lives m ihc uetl street, s» T 
must drnim|i inimc-iliatrly, fitr iVxr of dlv^ovrric* : 
you are not known to be my servnnt; eo, make 
whnt inquiries you ran in thr ar)i;hh<uirhnnd, and 
I shall wait at live inn for your iut(^lti|;enre. 

Puff. I'll pntrol hereabouts^ and examine all 
thit pass ; but I'tc foraot the word, nr — Miss 

Copt. Bellair 

Pkf. A young lady of wit, beauty, and fifteen 
thouwiid pounds ibnuite — Bur. sir— 

Capt. What do von «iy. I'uff? 

Palf. If youi lii<iK)iir pIcaM-s to cnusidcr, that t 
had a vrilc in town whom I left sfjuicwlmt ab- 
ru)>tlv liiUf-a-nar a^o, you'll think it, I beliere, 
but HeL-ent to make sttnte inijuiry after her lint -, 
to be sure, it would be Mioic siiialj cuiiMilntion 
to me to know whether the poor woman is living, 
or has made awnv with herself, or 

Ctpl. Prithee don'f distriirt me ; a iiioment'n 
delay is of the utmost conwqucncc; I must in- 
sist upon ao imtnediate compliance with niv 
coiomandv [Exit Captaik. 

Pv^. The devil's iu these firry young fcUowji ! 
they think of nohodv's wniitji but their own. lie 
doe* not rooMiler that I am Aeflh and blood as 
, well at hirnitell*. liowcver, 1 mar kill two birds 
at once : for I shan't be surprised if I meet my 
lady walkinc the sm-rts — But, who have wt here? 
Sure I sJinuld know that face. 

Enter 3 ASFT.R Jromn home. 

Who's that? mv old ncquaintnnce Jasper ! 

Jtu. What, Poff! are vou here? 

Puff, .My dear friend ! ( hiuing hrm.} Well, 
and now, Ja.«pcr. still easy and Imnpy ? TciujonrM 
U memr. ! Wimt inlhfi^ucs now ' wliut jiiiU hu» t- 
you ruined, and wluit cuckolds made, since you 
and I u>rd to beat up tonetlier, eli f 

Jot. Kairh, bunnest has been very brisk dtir- 
ing itie war; men arc scnrt-e, you kmm : n'>t ihnt 
J can say 1 ever w»nte<! HiiHiMrmtuL ia tlie nur^l 
tif tines — Bnt bark yc, full - 

Puff". Not a word aloud ; 1 am ittcncnito. 

Jut. Why, fajth, I :Uioul(l not havr known tOu, 
if you had not spoke fir&t ; rou seem to be a btUe 
disliuhille too, ai well m mco^mto- Wbom do 
you Itonour with jour service now ? Arc you from 
the wars ? 

Puf. Piptitft hot, I Rsure you; dn and smnke 
will tarnish : a man that will ^o into such vrvic* 
as I hu«e been in, will tind hi4 clothes tlie worse 
for the wear, take iny word for it. But how is it 
with yuu, friend Jasper f What, you still serve, 
I see? you live nt that tiouse, I suppose? 

Jot. I don't abM>luttty live, but I am OMMt of 
my tunc there- 1 have, within these two months, 
entered into ttic service of an old gentleman, who 
hired a reputable servant, and dressed hiiD as 
vuu see, because he ha.t taken it into his head to 
full in love. 

Pul)'. False apprlilc, and second chlldbixid ! 
lluL, prithe<-, what's ttir object of hin pasMon ? 

JoM. No less than a virgin of sateen, I cao a»> 
sure you. 

Pu'lf. (Hi the lootbleM olil dotard ! 

Ju<. And he luuinbles ami plavs with her till 
his month waters ; then he chuckles till he cries 
and calltt her hi^ Bid and his Btdsjr ; and it it 
foolishly fond 

Pii^ Bidsy ! wliat's Uiat ? — 

Jut. Iler name i» Biddv. 

Puf Kiddy! WbutiMiie Eiiddy BcUairf 

Jtts. Hie siiuie— 

Puff. I htLve no luck, to be sure. [Au^y~ 
Oh, I b»vc hcurtl of her; ahe's of a pretty gooi 
family, and has some forlimi% I know. But ue 
things settled? Is the marriage fixed? 

Jot. \ot absolutely; tbef^rl, I believe, detnti 
him : but her aunt, a very good, prudent, old lad/, 
has ^tvcn her consent, if he can i^in ber tiicce's> 
hou it will end, I cmi't tcU — but I'm hot upon*! 

Puff The devil ! not nuuriaj^e, 1 hope i 

Jaa. Tlint is not yet deternnited. 

Pa//I Who is the lady, pray? 

Jat. A maid in the san>e family ; a woman 
honour, I assure you. She ha& odc husbatKl «1- 
ready, a scoundrel sort of a felluw. that basnin 
nMrny from her, and listed for a soldier; ms tu- 
ward> the end of thccnnipaiea, slic hopes to hurt 
u ccriilitmte he's knocked o* the head : if DOl. I 
wppo^', we •^wll settle matters anotbtT «ay. 

Puff. Well, speed the plou^i ! — But bark w' 
consummate without the ccrtihcatc if you can- 
keep vour neck uut of the collar — <lo — I ha^* 
wore It these two yeari, and dampably piled 
L iim. 

Jttf. [11 tako your advice; but I must rua 
awuy to my master, who will Ik- miputtcnt fnr aa 
auswer to his uiessate, which I have Just (Wi- 
vered to the yuun;: lady : so, dear Mr Pufi^ 1 tia 
your most olH-dicni humble tienrunt. 

Puff. And I nni»t tu cair kiieuis for mv ar- 
rears: if you Uukc an hour to spare, you'll Vnr 





of me ftt Gtotff^*, or the Titl-ynrd— Jm rtvair, 
u wfr WT ftbraiMt [£ti/ jA4i>t:K.] Tliu.s we arc- 
M «-u t) and as Tabe as uur Gotten : Jasper tmd I 
were aiwan ihc brsu monde cxaclly ; we e**er 
laOcd OHc aoutbrr IwartiK, yrt ulwny^ kitd Ritd 
■bake fawid»— But nun to my master, with a 
headfuJ iifnewsy ami a bcariful of joy ! 

[Going, starts. 

' Aa^ls nnd iniaisten of grace dcfcnil in« !' 
It can't be ! Br lleavetift, it is, that (mtM porcu- 
yiae, my nife f i can't scaud it ; fthat&ball I dof 
— rU try w avoid ber. 

Enter Tao, 

Jiie- It must be he ! Ill swear to the ro{;uc at 
A ■iilc'<» di«unce : be either has nut Mreti me, r>r 
ihm'i fctKM* ue. If I call keep my temper, I'll 
try fain farther. 

Pa^ I sweat! — I tremble ! — 8)ie comes upon 

T«fi. Pniy, fnoA mr, if I may be so hold — 

Pu/f. I Uave uutJiing fur you, good woman; 
ion't trouble ine. 

Tmg. If vour honour pleases to look tliii way — 

Pifff'- The kiii^dofu is overrun willi bc^'ora. 
I loppfttr the laU. I )|;avc t<» h^h M-nt this : but I 
U«« ao more loose silver about mc : mi, pritlHi-t 
•aoMO, dou't disturb me. 

Tmg. I can hold iiu longer. Oli» vou villain, 
no ! «bef<e Iwre you bccii, scotuidrtl f Do you 
an* me oow, varlet? [.Sciiej Aim. 

Fuff. Uere, wuch, waldi ! Zounds, I ahull 
han my pockets picked ! 

j^y. liwn me tfaii minute, hang-dog, and con- 
tm» mnrw lliioi:, vr, by tite mec of an injured 
■Bmaa, 1*11 raise the ncigbbuurluoJ, tlirottle yuu, 
lad vnd yoB lo Newgate ! 

Pmffi Anmxement ! what, my own dear Ta^t ! 
Cofiir to mv uruHt aud let me prcM you to my 
brart, ihat pants for thee, and only tbee, my true 
Md Uwful wife I — Now my stars hare ovef|nud 
br for tlir fatipie aod daii$;ers of the liuld. I 
^e waodered about, like Achilles, in search of 
fiutltful pRiclope; and the gods have brought 
Be Cii t>M% happy spot. [Em&raca her. 

Tug. Pte fellow's cnu;kt for certnin ! Leave 
Mr bombauic stuff, and lell me, mscal, why vuu 
Ut aw, and where you huve been tltebe'six 

Pti(f Wt'lt rcwrvc my adventures for our 
k^py winter evc(ung» — I »hnJl only tell you now, 
(bol my heart beat %ty stronx in my couulry's 
tauae, and bcine instigated either by honour or 
Ike de»il 'I can't lell which), I set out for Flun- 
dmt lu gather laurels, and lay lliem at tliy fccL 

Ti^. You left lue to stone, vilhun, and beg 
wr bread, rou did **>. 

Puff. I left you too hastily, I must confer; 
isd ulieii tias toy conscience «tunj[ mc for it — 
Ian pjt into an odicer'fc service. Imve beoii in 
<ncal odxiafr l^uied some credit by uiy beli:i- 

%*ioiir, and am now returned with my mailer to 
iiidul^i: (he )!cntter pa*ihioiit. 

Tag. Don't diiuk to fub me off with this iido- 
sensicul talk. What have you brfjufjlit me bouiQ 
Puj'l'. lIoDour, and immodcrnic love. 
Teg. I could te»r your eyes out ! 
Pu(^'. Tenfcp<'rnnre, «r I walk otF, 
Tag. Teuiporance, traitor! temperance! Wliati 
can you say for yourself? Leave me to the wide 
world ! 

PvO". Well, I have been \a the world too, 
han't I? What would tlic woman have? 

Tag. Reduce lue to the necessity of gninf; to 
service I [i'rtrt, 

Pu(f'. Wby, I'm in service too, your lord Nud 
master, aii't I, you saucy jade, you ? — Come, 
wlicre dost live? here alxiut? tiast ttut t;o(id vatls? 
Dost go to mtirket i Come, give me a kis^ dar« J 
ling, and tell mc where 1 shall pay my duty to^ 

Tom. Why, tliere I live, at that house. 

[Poinrin(! to tftc haute Jvsper cane OUt «f» 
PuJ). Whut! there! that house? 
Tug. Vcm, there ; that huuiic. 
Pu(t'. Uuzza ! We're made for ever, you slitC 
you; huzaa ! Every thing conspires this <lny to ■ 
make mc hBj)py ! Prepare fur an inundalion of I 
joy ! My masrer is in love with your Miss Btddf | 
over head and ears, and !>l)e with him. 1 know i 
^ic is cimrttNl by Mim? nld fiiinhicr, und her aunt 
is not against the match ; but now wc are come, 
iJir town will be relieved, and the covrrnor 
brought over: in plain Knglish, uur fortune it 
mode ; my master must marrv the lady, and the 
old Kcnilcuinn may c ^^ ^^ic devil. 
T^ifi. Ucyduy I wimt's all thi»f 
Put)'. Siiy no wore; tlic dice are thrown 
doublets f(tr us: auav to y^iur vouiit: mi<itrcsa, 
while I run to my mnitlcr. Tell her 1{.h<idi;i)hil, 
Rliodu|)bil will !« witli her itnmediately; ihfiii, 
if her blood d-res not mount to her face, tike 
quicksilver m a wcnther-^lnss, and point ui ex- 
treme hoi, Itelievc the whole a lie, aiid your hu^ 
band no politician, 

Tufi. 'iWn ill news indeed ! I have had the 
plnce but a little while, and have not quite i(uC 
mto the secret* of the faoiilv: but part af your 
story is tnie; nru) if you brinq vour master, nnd 
miss is willing, I warrunt well be too bard for 
the old f.'Iks. 

Put): I'll about it straicht Bui hold. Tig; 

I haj foniiot — Pray how docs Mr Jasper do ? 
Tag. Mr Jasper ! — What do you mean? I— 

PuQ'. What! out of countenance, cliild ?— 
O fie r ?pcnk plain, my dear- — -Vnd the i*r- i 
ttlicuEe ; wlicn cunies thut, i^li, love ? 

Ta^. I le has sold hiuiMilf, and turned conjnrer^ 
or he could never hnvc known it. [Atidr. 

Pitf)' Are not you n judo ? — arc tut yoa a Jc» 
icbel ? — iiru'i you a ■ ■— 




Tag- O ho ! temperance, or I walk offi 

Pu(f. I know I uiD not finished yet, and » I 
tja easy; but mure tliunks to my fortune than 
your virtue, mactfim. 

Bid. [Witftin] Ttm. Tiig ! where arc von, Tag? 

Tag- Coining, miuiam ! My lady calls — 

avny In your maitcr, and I'll prepare his recc[^ 
tion wilhiii. 

Pu^'- Shall I bring the certificate with mef 

[Erit PtJPF. 

Tag, Go, yau graceless rogue ! yuu richly de- 
flcnrc it [Exit. 

SCENE U.—Changet to a (Mmbtr. 
Enter Biddy. 

Bid IIow unfortumite a poor girl ani I ! d&rc 
oot tell my etrrpi to any body; and, if I duii't. 
Tin Undone — llrigh ho! [Si^A*.] Pray, Thjb;, is 
IDT aunt gone lo her latryer nbout tne* — Ilctgli 

Tug. Whaf« tliat ligh for, my dear youn^ 
misiress ? 

Bid. I did Dot ftigh, not I [Sighs. 

Ti^. Nay, never pilp them down ; they nre 
the worst thinp vOn can swallow. There** Bntnc- 
ihing in that littfc heart of yours, that swells it, 
and pu0s it, and will bunt it at lost, if you don't 
give K vent. , 

Bid. What would you have me tcU yon ? 


Tag. Come, cnme ; yoo are afraid Fll netrny 
50U : Dut Tou had n< griod ipritb ; 1 may do you 
some service you tittle ihmV of. 

Bid. U is not in your poner. Tag, to give me 
what I wanl. [Sighs 

Tag. Not directly, perhaps; hut I may n« the 

means of hrlfiing y"U to it. As, for example — 

if you should not like to marnr the old man your 

, aunt dciiL^is for jou, one may find a way to 


Rid. His no* rk, Tog ? 

Tffl/r. Or the match; either will do, child. 

Bid. I doii't rare which, indeed, so I was 

t deur of him 1 don't tliink I am fit lo be 


T\ig, To him you mean ! Yon have no objec- 
tion in mnrriae^v but the man; and I applaud 
vnu for it. But couie, courage, mi&s; aeverkeep 
it in : nut with it all. 

BitL If you'll ask me any questions HI a'»- 
' fwer tbem ; hni I r-nn't tell you any thing of mr- 
Klf; I simll blush if [do. 

Tag. Well, then ; in the first olace, pray tell 
me. Mi^s Biddy Bellnir, if yuu nnii't like some- 
boilv better ihiui old sir Siiuou Luvcit f 

6id. Hcich ho ! 

Tu]^. What's bct)|;ho, miss ? 

Bid. When F say hetgh ho. it means yes. 

Tag. \'cry well : and Uus Muncbody ii ayoung 
f band»(mic fellow f 

Bid, Ueigh ho ! 

Tag. And If yoa were adc« lus, you*d bft as 
merry a.i the be»t of us? 

Bid. Heigh ho! 

Tag. So far so good ! and since X hare got 
you to wet your feet, souoe over bead at owre, 
and the pain will be over. 

Bid. There — then. [A iong ligh.] Now, help 
me out. Tag, as fiut as ynu can. 

Tag. When did you he»r from your gallant } 

Bid. Never since lie went to the array. 

Tag. How so? 

Bid. I was afraid the letters would fall into 
my uuut's hands, &u I would not )ci him write to 
me : but t had u better reuMn thcu. 

Tag. Pmy, let's bc*r that, too. 

Bid. Why, I tlmut;ht if I .should write to him, 
anil promise him to love nobody ebe, and should 
aftenvards chniice my mind, he might think I 
wa!» irmnstaiit, and call uie a coquette. 

Tag. What a simple imioceot it is ! [Aiidc] 
And ratve you chansced your mind, iiiiss ? 

Hid. No, indeed, Tag; I love him the best of 
any of tbem. 

Tag. Of any of them ! Why, bave you 
mure r 

Bid. Pray, don't ask me. __ 

Tag. Nuy, uii-rt, if you only trtut me hf 
halves, you can't expect 

Bid. I will inist you with e%-ery thiDff. When 
[ pnrlcd with him, I grew mefanchofy; m^ ia 
order to divert nic. I have let two others cooit 
me till he return again. 

Tag. Is tJiat all, my dear? Mighty simple. Iih 
deed! f^«k 

Bid. One of them is a fine blustering n»n, 
and so called cflptaiu Flash; he's olwaya talking 
of tiglitin^ and wnn: he tliinkn he's sure ofme: bit 
I ^liall baulk him : wc shall see him this afbr- 
noon, for he pressed stnmgly to come; aad I 
have ^itcu htm leave, while my aunt's taking ber 
afternoon's nap. 

Tag. And who is the Other, pray? 

Bid. Quite another sort of a man. Heipeab 
like n InfU for all ibe world, and never swevsn 
>lr F\a«Ai does, but wc^rs nice white glov«% $ai 
tells me what ribhons become my complexion, 
where to stick my patches, who is the best mil- 
liner, where they sell the best tea, and whick t( 
the best wash for the face, und the bcK w*te 
for the hands ; ho is always playing; wita ar 
fan, and sbcwitig his teeth ; and whenever I 
speak, he pats me — so — and cries, 'Tfco dl»fl 
' take me, .Miss Biddy, bat yooll be my peflb- 
' tion !' — ha, hn, ha ! 

I^. Oh, the pretty rrvature ! And whit <b 
ynu call bim, pray * 

Bid. His name is Fribble : you •ibnil see him, 
too; for, hy mt<tLakc, I appointed them at tW 
awne time : but you must help me oat widi 

Tag. And suppose your famifiteshcmUooai 




Bid, I khookl not care what became of the 

Tag. \Vhat*i his name ? 

BiJ. U bf|;iiu with an K — h — o 

Tag. I'U be hauled if it i$ nut Khndopttil t 

Bid. I am frighteucd ai you 1 Yuu'rc u witch. 

2^. I am so; and I can tell yuur fortune. 
loo. Look nte ill itit; face. The p'utlviunii >'i>u 
love tBu«t ID the world, will be at uur houtte tlii<- 
aftemoon : he arrived t'rum the army this room- 
ing and dies till he »ee» yuu. 

Bid. U he oomc, Tai; f Don't joke with me '. 

Tag. Not In keep ynu louj^er iu suepence, you 
roust kmiw, the servant of vuur Mrophon, bv 
SOUK unaccountahle fate nr nthr:r, israv lord and 
ntHler: he has jtuit been witli mc, told me of 
his inartn't arTival and iuibaiicuce 

Bid, Oh, my dear, dcarTac, yon have pot me 
out of my Mils — I am all uvef in a lluttcr. 1 
ftball leap oat of my ikia — I don't kaoM what to 


Alt with myself ! Ir. he come, Ta^ M tun n*adjf 
to faint — [ would ^ive the world 1 bad put oa 
my pink, niid bilvcr robings to-dny. 

lag, I t&siire you, miu, you look cfaann* 

Hid. Do T, indcf-d, though? I'll put a !ittle 
patch under my left e^e, and ponder my bair 

Tufi, WcUf go to dinner lirstt and theu I'U at- 
sist yuu. 

lUd. Dinner! I can't eat a ninnel ! I don't 
know whnl'« the matter with me : my cart finele, 
my heiirt heats, my face flushc\ nnd I ircinhle 
c» cry joint of me. I inu*t r\m in mid Umk at 
iny^li HI the glass this innmenl. 

7V- ^*-'^ "^ has it, and dwply too; This a 
iw hypocrisy 

Not art, but nat\ire, now, performs hw part, 
.^ud c%t;ry word's the language of the heart. 




SCENU I.— Con/imirt. 

Tnt€r CAtTAiK LovEiT, Biddy, Tao, and 

Copr. To find you still constant, and to arrive 
at such n critical juncture, is the IkcigliL of for- 
aine and happiness. 

Btd. Nothinf; shall force tnc from you; and, 
if I am H-curc of your aiIcctioii» 

Pm^. I'll be bound for hiiu, madam, and give 
ymi any security you can ask. 

Tag. Every llunc ^oes on to our vti*h, sir. 1 

CI DOW had a secoud conference with ray old 
jr; wkI site %r8k so ctitvincexl by my nryu- 
■■Bt*, that lite returned instantly to ihe lawyer 
l» foriitd the dniwtufi out of any writiit;:^ ai oil -- 
aod alw n detenniiud never tu thwnri missV in- 
cfiDalioiis, and left it t>> us Iu f^tw titc uUl gcn- 
Ueaaau hu Hi»char);e at the next \mL 

Cmpt. Shall I uixiertttke the old dmenn ? 

T<u. If Me have uccasiuu fur l>t-lp, uc ^11 
call for Tov. 

Bid. I eipect him every moment ! tlicrefure, 
ni tell yuu what, lUnxlophil, you anil vuur man 
shall be locked up in my brd-cbnnilipr till we 
have sctUed ataUrri wiUi the nid umtlcniau. 

Capt. Uo what you picnse with me. 

Bid. Vuu must not be inipatit'tit thctufth' 

C*fd, I can undergo any thinig with such a re- 
ward in view. One kii«, and I'll be quite rc&igu- 
cd— "And now, show mc the way. 


Tkg. Cnmev sirrah, when 1 have got you under 
lodk and fa'-y, 1 shall br>o$[ you to rt.-a&nn. 

Pmf. ,\re your wcddin^-cUithc!! ready, my 
dare ? Tl>c ccrtilicalc \s cximc. 

Xiif. Gu, fgUon your coptain, si'rrab ! — marcJi. 

Yon may thank Heaven I liad patience to stay 
so lung. 

[£maf Tag and Purr. 

Rc-cntcT Biddy. 

Hid. I was very much alarmed for fear my 
Cwo gnllants shnuin com^ in upon us uniiivnres; 
«vc Hhimid have had sad worii if they had. I 
tiiiH I Love Klioiloplitl vastly; fur, llmueh my 
other B)mrks flatter uie more, I can't abide the 
iJiuuKhts of them now— I have business upitu ray 
iiuiids cnouich lo turn my little head— but, tptOt 
my heart's good, and a % for danicerf ! Let me 
w^^What »hall I do with iiiv two gallnnts? T 
must nt least part with them decently. SupnoM 
I set them together by the ears? 'I'be lucucsc 
thought in the world ! For, if they won't quarrel 
.'a.H 1 briievo they won't), 1 can break witli tliom 
tur cowards, and very justly dismiss them my 
9(-rvi' c : and, if they will tii;ht, and one of tlicm 
be kilted, the olltrr will ccrlaiiily he hanpcH, or 
run awny ; and so 1 ^hall very hnnd.<ioinelv gut 
i-id of botli. I am glad I have settled U M) 

En^rr Tao. 

Well, Toe, are they safe f 

Tag. I t))iiik so the doors double locked, 

anil 1 hare the Vcy ux my pocket. 

Btd, I'hnt's pure; but have you given thtmt 
any tiling to divert them } 

Tif;. I hnve ifiven the captain one of your old 
(•loves tc* mumble; but mv ijtrcphon is diverting 
hiiQM-lf with the more substantial cumforts of n 
cold vcnivin pasty. 

Bid, Vrhiit bimll wc do with ihe nenC that 




Tag. ir Mr Fribble comes firsr. 111 clap hini 
Dp into my Inriv's slorc-mom. I suppose he is ti 
grcut inakt-rnt nmmialade binuclf, and will liave 
■n nppiirtuiiity ot muking some chtJail remiu-lifi 

I upon our piistry and swectincnls. 

' Ryi. \\ hen one nl' ihnm »x>mes, do vou go nnd 
WRtuh (or tlie other: and o-S mmhi »« yoti sec hjin, 
run ui lo lis, and pi*ciend it i^ inv tiuiit, and so 
wc sliiill hm* an excuse to lock him up tiU we 
wan) liim. 

Tag. Vou may depend upon nie. Here is oac 
•r tbein. 

Enter FninBLC. 

hid. Mr Fribble, your servant- 
¥nb. MJM Biddy, your slave — I hope I htvc 
DOt come up<in you abruptly ? I should hare 
waited upon you Mooer; but an nccident linp- 
ppuHJ (hm discnmpiAed me so, that 1 wasubligul 
to go home Kpiin ro lake drops. 

Bid. IndfinJ vnu dnn't loot well, sir Go, 

Tnc, '■^<l du lu 1 bid you. 

Tag. I will, iDaduu. [Er(7 Tao. 

hta. I liuvc M't my maid to wntcb my nuntf 
thai i*e mayn't Iw: surprised by her. 

¥nb. Your unidcoce is u^atX to your beauty, 
. >ni<<>: nnd I ntrpc- your perimlting me to YitA 
tyuiir hands, will be no iinpeachmeiu to your un- 
der* landing:. 

hid, I luiic the sight of him. — \Aiide^—\ was 

ftfrnid I •.bould not have hud the pleasure of m'p- 

[ iitff vou. Pniy. let ine know what accidcnl you 

I net with, nnd what's tlic matter with your hand i 

\ —I stmn't b*' msy till I knovr. 

t'rib. Well, i vow, Miss Biddy, you're a ^o^d 
I crerUr- — HI endeavour to muster up what little 

Siriis I have, aad tell you tlie whole affair. — 
era ! — But lirst, you must give me Ictive to 
I make you a present nf a small )X>t o( niy lip- 
I lalvc. My servnnt made it this moniing: the 
' ingredieiit-j arc inno<.'ent, I assure you ; noihing 
but the best vir^in-mu, conserve of rows, lUid 
lily-of-tbe-ndley water. 

hid, I thank you, sir ; but mv lips are prneml- 
[ fy red ; and when they aii'i, I bite (hem. 

Frib. I bite my own sometimes, to pout ihcm 
I k little; but this trill give thmn a soitnc&s, co- 
lour, and an agreeable moitter. Thus, let me 
make an humble olTcriiig at that sliriiie, where i 
Iwve already sacriliccd mv heart. 

[Kneelt, and givet the pot. 
Bid. TTpon my word, tlmt's very prettily tx- 
rpreisedl! you are positivrlv the best company iii 
r the world — I wish be was out of the house. 


Frib. Bat ta retura to mv acciitcnt, and ttic 

Lte»80D why my band is in tbis condition — I bet; 

I ycmll excuse the appeami»ce of it, and be satisii- 

Icd, Umt nothing but mere ncccuity could have 

I forced me to appear tliu« mutllcd before vou. 

Bid. I am very willing to eicuse any miftfor- 

tune that happens to you, sir. [Curtiics. 

Frib. You are vasUy good, indeed — Thus it 
WHS — Hem ! You mu")! kiiou, mii^s there i« not 
an animal in the creation I hare so great an 
aversion to, as those hackney-roach fellows— As ' 
I was cx>niing out n{ mv Incfginga, mvs noe of 
tliem to mf. Would your honour nave a coach ? 
\i), nmn, said I. not nuw (with all the ci^iUty 
imacinablo). I'll carry yon and your dull too> 
snid be, Mi<<^ Margerv, for the same price — i 
which the masculine bea&ts about us fell a !■ 
ing. Then 1 turned round in n great |_ 
Curse me, says I, fellow, but 111 trouiicr thee !• 
Ani( Bs 1 wiis buldiiiy out my bund in n thieatcn* 
ing poster — thus — he makes a cut at me with his 
w!ii]», aiid utrikitif; me over tlie nail of ray liltle 
fmgcr, it gave me such exquisite lorter, thu i 
fninleid away — and while i was in this cimditinn, 
the m'lh picked niy pocket of mv pnrw, mv sriv 
barf, my Morocco smelling- bottfc, and my* hua- 
w ifc. 

Hid. I sluUl lauch in his face. — [Aade.]—} as 
afniid you arc in greiit pain. Pruv sit dowo, Mr 
l-'ribblc : but 1 hope vour hand is iii no danger? 


Frib. Not in the Iciist, madam ; pmv* dim^ Iw 
npprebciiKJvc. A milk-poultke, and' a gnitlc 
sweat to-night, with n litile munna in il>e muro- 
ing, I nni ooutidcnt will rrlieve mc entirely. 

Bid. But pray, Mr Fribble, do you make use 
of a husswife? 

Frib. I cnii't'do witlioul il, raadnm ; there is 
a club of us, ull vouiig bachelors, the »weeteM Mh 
tiely in tlie world; and we meet three tnncsl 
week fit each other's lodgings wbrre we d/iak 
tea, hear the chat of the diiv, inteiii fasliioits for 
the ludit'!', uinkt; models ol thfiii, aud cut cut 
piitlerri in paper. We were ttic first iii%cnli>n 
of knottmg ; and this fringe is the original pn>* 
ducc. and joint labour of our little coinuiunity. 

Rid. And who are tour prtttT »«, prav f 

Ink Thcrt's Pbd. \\\»t\\t\ JiK-ky Wagtail, «y 
lor<rrnp, Billy Uiinplc, :dr Oilljerry Diddk-, aod 
your humble 

Bid. What a sweet collection of happy erca> 
Hire* ! 

Frib. Indeed and so we are nuts— faut a p^^ 
(ti;!iini4 fracas ditconcerled us some lime tfp at 
BiJIy Dimple's — ihrec drunken naughty wuiaen 
of the toun burst into our clut»-r<ioti>, cuncd a* 
id], tlirvw down the china, broke fi\ looking-fUs- 
sc!>, sfrnldcd H!' with tlieklop-bar^m, and scrairlwl 

ttuor I'liiL \V hidlc's check in suih a raanM-/, that 
ic lias kept his bed tlveie three weeks. 

Bid. Indeed, Mr Fnhblr. I think all oor MS 
hnvc grt'Qt n-nsun to lie anery i for tf ymi art so 
happy, tinw you are barlvelors, the ladies nay 
wi-h and »gb to very liltlr purpose. 

Frih. You are mistaken. I aunre yoo ; 1 tn 
pHHliLnuusly mllicd about my passoa for yov. t 
inn tell yiui l)i»t. nnd am looked upon asuMto 
our wxifty alrtudv. He, he, be ! 

hid. TiBy, Mr Iribble, now yon luve GDoeMi 




faTf dun-'t tliiok. tnc uupoileot, if I lang to biKrw 
huw jou latvitfj lu u5e tlu- luil^ who luu been bn- 
twurrd with »ot»r ittTn tiuii3 ^ 
. Frtt. NuC n» niuat otiicr nivev mv uwd, I !i»- 
Wre you . ttlllhc (luiui-ttic butuicas will be latifii 
off liur hsiidft, I ^hfttl lunke the t«a, cmnb the 
(iuipk and tirus ihti rItilHrrn myf^cll'; Mt lluit, 
UuiiiKfa Fiu a cummuucr, Mr» rriblile will IrHil 
Umc (lie uf a miinaii uf quiilily ; fur ttbc nlll hnvc 
iwthing ro do but lie iti bt-d, pUjr hI ranU, and 
•cotd the vrviuitft. 

H*4, \Vluit it liappy crcnluru ulic mast be ! 

if'rtb. Du yon roaily tlmili >u^ 'Jlwri, firuyi !•') 

n* have n little itrout tnlk witti ym IbuuKb 

asgr pnieioa m not of \tm^ ftonding, 1 bv|>G liic 
Moccnty ot' luj intvntiuuh 

Sid, Um !», Im ! 

Prih. Go, you wild thing !—[ra/f Aw.]— TIic 
devil take tar. but ihrre ih no talUit^ tu ytm — 
Raw csn you use idc in (lit« b;irliariiLi» m^tiiiirr! 
in hid the conttttuiiun ot'iin niijriitiati, it noiild 

link umkr luy iuf&nttt;* hwinan natcr cun*[ 

lupppft IL 

Bid. Why, what irould yuu do wttb me, Mr 

frih. VVdl, I vow rit bc'nt you if you talk so 
— ^oo't Xrntk At nte ii) ibut iiiunitiT-'fleili and 
Mood can'i bear it — I could — but I wou't grow 
indecent - 

Bid. Rut priyi sir, whrre mn tl« verses von 
were to wnte upoo me? I find, if ayitun^ liidy 
dcpcncU too much upon auoh line geittlciucii lu 
you, alicll certainly be disnpprtintcd. 

Tr*h, I vow, (he tiuttrr I was put into tins af- 
Ccmooo, Uti quite turned my M'lisrs — \\vn: tbt-y 
Wt ihoutfh— oitd t btilic\'-- yiMi'll like titcot. 

Bid. There cau bt- no doubt of iL 


Frib. I protest, miss, 1 don't like- iliai curtay 
— Look at rae, utd ulMayti riK- in thi» miinnrr.-^ 
[ji&otn Arr.] — But, my dear crreter, wlio put (in 
yottr cap to-day ? 'Hicy hnvt inndc a friiilit of 
yoB, and it i* an vcHdw ujt nlii l»dy Crnwi"M>i'« 
Mek. Wtici) ne are tcltlt-d, I'll drt.'6.i ynur hiiid 

Bid. Prar raad the vcncs to me. Mr Fribble. 

fV»Ji. I uliey — IJera! Willinru Fribble, csij. to 
UiTt Biddy Dellair — greeting. 

No ice w bard, no cold us I, 
Till warmed and wftcncd by your c;t; 
.^nd now my heart dissolves awiiy. 
In drrntn^ by nij^lit, in sigt» by day. 
Nu bmlMl puiioii tires my brira^tt. 
Which luathes tliv object wlurn u«)aacKscd ; 
fVit one of liarroless, f'cnllc kind, 
W'UttuT y>y* are rioitered — in the mind: 
T>irii take with me luve'^ Itettrr part, 
111* dowDy wing, bdt not hu durt. 

ttemdoyQU like them? 

Btd. 11b, lia, ha ! I swear thry are very pretty 

— but I don't quite undci-^liuid ilicni. 

Frib. The!* light pieces are never so well ut>- 
dcr^tittHl ill ri'iidiii£a» Mitsing. I have wt tlirtu 
niVMilf, and will eitdt-uvtiur to ^ivc tbtin ynn: 
La — la — 1 have un atwminabic roUI. and cnn't 
Mi)g a note; however, tho tune'^ nothings tlie 
maimer's all. 

No ire so hard, &c [&'n^] 

Eaier Tag, rtinnmg. 

Tag. Oh, madam, modmn ! 

Frtb. What's tlic matter f 

Tag. Your vmtf your annty yoar annt, ma- 
dam ! 

lUiL Oh ! for Heaven's «akc, hide Mr Fritihle, 
or we nre ruitKd ! Put him into tl»e stoiv-rooiu 
this momcnL 

Frib. U it a damp place, Mrs Ta^ i The flour 
ife brvurdetl, I hope ? 

Tag. Indeed jt is not, sir. 

Fnb. WtiatKliall I doM shnlt certainly catch 
my dentil ! Wbt<rc'» my cambric handkerchief, 
nnd my salta i I shall ucrtoinlv have my liy^e^ 
rics. [Kufti in uith Tao* I 

Bid. In, in, in ! — So, now Vt ilie otjier come 
as sooo as he will ! I do not care if I hnd tweii- 
ly of tbetn, so tticy would but cone one aAcr 
anotlicr. , 

il«-en(er Tag. 

Was my aunt coming ? 

Tag. No, *iM(i& Mr Flash, I suppo«r, by the 
ienglh of liU Airidr^ atid the cocV of bis bit. 

tlcll be here tiiia minute Wluit sbaJl we do 

Willi him? 

hid. I'll niRnugc- him, I warrant you, and try 
hi.s cuurace ; he sure you art: ready to u^oad mu 
— we shall have pure sport. 

Tag. Uusli ! I*ere li« comes. * 

Enter FtAsn, tinging. 

Fliai. Well, my blossom, liere am I ! Wlmt 
hn|>cs for a poor dog, eh ? — How ! the maid 
here? then I've IuaI the town, damme 1 Not a 
shilling t» bribe llie ginermir ; slic'll spfing a 
mine, and I »htill be blown to the devil ! 

iiiii. Diin't br nshnnied, Mr FIndi: I Imra 
lolil Tn^ the wimie aOoir; and sin.-'? my friend, 
I cnii unsure you. 

Flath. In sIh'? then mIic won't be nunc, I am 
renuin. [Jsiiif.j W cll, Mr* Tag, you know. I . 
•iup|t(i*c, n hat IS tu l>e done: this youu|; Uuljr ' 
and I luivc raiitraitL-d uutrrf-lve»; and so, if yuu ' 
plL-B<« lo sumd bridic-iuaid, why ne'U fii tJia , 
\\ediling-d(iy dirci'tly. 

Tnf. 1 lie wcddiuK-dny, ^r ? 

Fhih. The nedding-day, sir! Ajr, Ufl (be 



weilding day, sir ! What lia\T ^ou in my to that, 

liiit. My dear ooplatn Flash, don't make surli 
a noiiK) : yoii'lj wiike my aoiit. 

KaiA. And inpfKt*c 1 did, diild. wlutt then? 

Biii. Slw'd be fri^liteiiud out iifher wit*. 

Fiash. Atmr, miS3? Iri<;lfit;ncd mine^ Tout 
itu ruHtrairCi I a&Aiire yuu : you niintnkc the 
tliiit^ child : I hnvc uanc rcasou to bclir\c 1 nui 
nni quite 80 »hocting. [J^rcirdly- 

Tag. Indeed, Kir, you flatter your<ttii But 

prft\, Mr, what urc your prctciuioos? 

F/as/i. Tbe lady's promiw*, mv o*"!* jiaision, 
xnd the hpflt-tnounici blade iii tfie tlnve kiiig- 
doniB. If !inv man cnn prudufc a better title. 
Ipt bitii iniLC- Iter. If not, the devil mince me if 

1 give up an atiiin of Iter ! 

iiuld it. 

KiJ. He's ill a fine piusion, if he would but 

Tag. Prny, sir, hear rrtiyjn a tittle. 

i'iaih. I iiwer dii, nmUitui; it is iwt my rae- 
lliod of pi-oceedliij;; here is my I«^ic ! \J)ratt:i 
ha Jjrorrf.] Sa, «a — my hwt argument is cart-4ivcr- 
arm, mndniii, lin, liu f [LiiuT/^rs]; andif he oti- 
•wcrs thni, madHm, through niy «mnll ^ts, my 
' lireoth, blood, and mistress, are all at his service 
nnthini; more, madnm. 

Jiid. Tl>]!.*lldo, this'lldo! 

'iir/g. Diit, sir, sir, sir ! 

Fiat/i. Bur, mudnii), mailnm, madam ! T pro- 
fess bimid, inudiiin^; I hu!^ bred up tu it from a 
rltild; I study the hook of fate, and ihe camp i^ 
lOY miivertiilv. I huvc attended llic lectures of 
prinrc Chnrle** up'm tlic Rhine, and Biitliiuiii 
upon the Pu, and uave extracted l(ni>wledf;e ffuii 
ilic mouth uf II rnnnon. I'm imt to be frightened 
with ^luits, mudntn ; no, do. 

iJirf. I'l.ty, dcnr sir, dun't mind her, hut let 
me prevail with yoti m go away thi« lime — Ynui- 
pR»«iim is Very fmi', to l>e sure; and wtu-n my 
itnni and Tiiv: ore c(>ie out of the way, I'll let 
ymi ktiiiw uheii I'd have ynii rnme n^nin, 

Ff'tsf), Whin von'd have me rume acain. 
rliild ! And suppoftr 1 never would come a^uin, 
what do yon tliink of ihnt now, hn ? Von preletid 
Co he Bitntd uf your aunt; your aunt knosv» 
whui'swhnt too well, to refuse a eood mnlcii 

when 'us olTcred Look'c, miw, Vm a man uf 

boaour; f:lory is mv airu; I hate told von thu 
foad I am in ; and <1o yott sec here, child } [S/iuti - 
tng hh #norrf.] no tricks upon travellers. 

HtJ. Hut pray, sir, hear me. 

Fim^. N'o, t)'>. on ; 1 LtiOw rhe world, mn- 
ifcun; 1 am ti>iwcll known :ii C'^vcnt-tlnrHen nt 
the Dial, miulnm: 1*11 bimk n lamp, bully nroti- 
itable. brnii u juMice. or hdk n box-krcpcr, witii 
put nmn in the lilirNii-4 of WeMninnter t What 
do vou iliuik of me nmv, timdiun f 

kul. I'niy, iloil't Le ^ofll^otls sir. 

Flmh. ('nine, ctMDc, foroe ; few word« nir best; 
pinK-liody'^ h.ippier ih'.m »oniel>ody. and I ant :i 

jMor wily ffllow, Iwl, ha iliai'i all Lool- 

jiuuj cliii^, to be ?lioit (lur I'lii a taan of reflec- 

tion), I hove but a hagatelle to say to you. I am 
m tme with yin up to hell and dt'spcrntiun ; may 

ilic sky cnibh me if 1 am not ! But iince 

there u anodier more fortunate than I, ndieSf 
Biddy ! Prmpori^' to the hnppy rival, pnbence 
lu poijf Ha>h ; but the frr*t tuiie we ineet- — 
guiipon-dcr be my perdition, but HI liave rhe ho 
iiour to cut a throat with him. {Cinng. 

Hid. [Slopping Aim.] You may neet with him 
now, if you please. 

Ftaah. Now ! may I? Where is beMU 

tiacrilice the villain I [Atoud. 

Tug. Ilnsli ! be'« hut in the uett room. 

K/flfA. U he ? llam me [X.o«>,J into a roortar>> 
piece hut Til have veiweuiKe ! my blood boib to 
be at hiDL— Don*t be frighteiicd, miss ! 

Bid. No, sir ; I iiCicr wb& better pleaseti, I 
assure vou. 

Ffuih 1 Ahull soon do \nt buMnesa. 

Bid. As soon as you please ; Cake your own 

Tag. Ill fetch tlie gcntlemaa to yoo M" 
mediately. [Gotnf, 

Flash. [Sfuppa^Af-r] Stay, slay a little; whala 
pasiiou 1 nin in ! — Arc you sure lie Is in the ant 
room ?— I iliall certainly tear him to piccea— — 
I would fain mnrder him like a iienlletoan too 
— l.t<^idcs, tlii^ family shan't be bruujiht tola 
Irouhlt- ufon rny account — 'I Imve it — I'll watch 
for him in the <tlreet, and mix hifi blood with tltf 
puddle of the Uf St keunel. [Om»g. 

Bid, [Stoppit'g Am.J Xo, pray, Mr flash, Jet 
me see the battle ; I >hall be glad to see jeu 
fi^ht lor inc ; you slmnt go, wdrctl, 

[ Holding him. 

Tag. \ Holding him.] (Ill, pray let me scerou 
figlil : llicre were two ps-ntlcmBO Jit ycslenW, 
and mv mistrm^ waMicvcrw diverted in berliirt 
— rit fetch him uut. [Eik. 

Bid. Do. stick him, slick him, raptaiu riufa; 
L »liall love you the h«-ticr for it. 

Flaifi. Damu your lt>ve ! 1 ul»b I was nil af 
the liouw. yAnit. 

Bid. Here Ite is— —Now, speak some of JW 
liitnl «onU, iiii'l run him through' ■ 

FlaiK. 1 }ou't be iu hu now- 

Bid. Never fear roe ! 

[Aude foBiftot- 

EnUr Tag and Friiblx. 

Tag. [To FataatB.] Take it w my won^iir, 
ho \s ii buiiv, and nothuHj else. 

trii: [Frifxkttnrd.^ I know iniu ore IBJ lacd 
fiiiLnd; but pcrtuips you don't know huAipa^ 

T'ig. \ am eontidrnt he is a coward. 

Fiib. I>*ye thiiii vt, Mr«Ta(;F 

Ti'a. • >li, I am «ure of it. 

htil'. I* (h* f N«v, ttrn. !*m his man ! 

iVwA. I i-kc hi* ifMiki, but I'll uot vciiiurr u» 
fur nt lirst. 

Tog. Speak, to huD, sir. 





rWft. 1 will— >I anri^Ktattd, sir— liein— tlwt 
you — bjr Mrs Tap herc~-»r — \^hn has iafoniieJ 
mc — bf!fl^-~ttlat you would tw glnd to ^priik witli 
IDC— demine — [ 1 'arm n(f'. 

FbtMh. I oui sm^k to ^u, »ir — or lo itiiy bu- 
dy, air— or ] can let it nlone nniJ hold mv tnncnc 
— if I see occutoD, air, duiimie^ [ 'fw/t* nlf. 

Bid, Well sud, Mr Flash; be lit a ^x-^rni. 

Tof. [To Frihblc.J Dun't mind hi5 looks, he 
dMnges colour already ; to tiiui, to hrn ! 

fPu»Vi Aim. 

Fri6. Dun't hurry mr. Mm Ti»i, for lleaTeuV 
s^e : I ^hall br out (rt" lircath bt-fore I tit'iiiop if 
Jrou flo — «r— [Tk Ftusa.J If you ciiii'i ^pcak to 
a eeadtfmai) in un<'ther iiuinncr, nir^why, then, 
tV venture to my, you had bentr huld your 
(oaeue— cons. 

i'iatk. Sir, you and I an* of different npininna. 

IViA. You and your o|)tmon4 tnuy tfo to ttu- 
dcnl — take lliat. [Turnt n(f' lo Tao. 

Tmff. Well Slid, tir; the day*!) your ov*:). 

but. Wboi's tiie matter, Mr Flash f I» all your 
fur* Koue ! Do you give me up f 

fViA. I have duue liu> buMiiess. [Struli tilnrnt. 

FlMh, Oi\( you up, inndatu ! No. nutdain. 
*faea I AH) ddcrniioen in mv rcMilutiom, lam 
tlwvTS cxlm ; 'ti» our vtavt umdam : and lujw I 

thai) proceed to busiue** Sir, 1 beg to »«y u 

word to rnu in pritatc. 

Trih, Keep your distanrr, friluw, and Til nn- 
wrer you. 'rhal liuJy Iw coufcivd a pawiou for 
»e; and, o she ha» ddivvrcd up brr heuri into 
ny ke«pia^ Of^tthnif! but my Wi's bluod &liall 
ptrchake it. Dumti^iion ! 

Tm^. Bravo ! bravo ! 

¥laMk. If tb>tv nre lt»e omdiltonfi, Ftl cive you 
(vnc»t for it din-^tly. [Ur-nir*.] \Otr, viltmu. 
all neht and iiik this miniilc, or the 
if niv ni£e wiit oifHlufv my ri'SMm, mid 
anntliilaie die uuibiii^ues^ of your aouI 
■iM body in nil iiiMaut. 

¥rA. I VTi^t tbert- was n constiiUe nt band lo 
Ur mk boiJi up : we ahall ctrtaiiily do oue umj* 
•W ■ prejudice. 

Tmg. \o, yuu won't indeed, sir; pray, bciir up 
'*Kin ; if you mouM (nit dratr your ^vv-i»i-d, and 
^iii a pBsaioii. he would nin nwny diieclly. 

fiA, WtU lie? \DrantJ\ 'lliru I ran uo l<uu:er 
^'waia nyaelf^llcll mtd the furies ! Conic on, 
(W vrage bruic ! 
Tag. Oo on, 41 r I 
[Hire they ttattd infiphtin^ pottnra, h-kile 
RiDUT itHtl fta puik them J'orivard. 
Ftiuk. C'ouic ou. sir ! 
ifwl Go on. 
ff-»K Couie Oft, rascul ! 
Ttt^. Go ou, Mr, 

£a/«rCAPT%[jf LuvciT endYvrr. 

Cmpt. WhHt'i the iii-rtter, yrti'loinen i 

I 7A(-v h"tk Ktra they JtnuHfi jtoiturf. 
Ttmk. i}»u'% part as, iir ! 

Frib. No, pray w, don't part ub ; we ahall do 
jon a mischief < 

Capt. PiiS*, look to the other gentlrnun, andj 
adi a surgeon. 

BiJ. A Tiij;. Ila. ha, ha ! 
I*ti(f'. BW'si roc I how can yoa stand under 
your wuundf, Mr? 
Frib. Aw i hurt, Mr? 

Fit)'. Hurt, nir ! why, you have — let me a c e ■ 
prey» stand ui llic liehl — untr, ttvo, three, tbrouzFk 
the heart ! and, let ine see — buoi — ei|;ht tbruui^hi 
the ftmull gui9 ! (.'otne. nir, mnkc it up the ruuiul 
dozen, ami then v^r'H part you. 
AH. lio. Itii, ha ! 
Capt. CoHK' hrre. Puff! 

[ Whisperi, and ttxtkt at Flasa, 
Puff. Tis the vei-y same, sir. 
Capl. [To FiAiH] Pray, sir, haieliwt hod 
the pleasure of seeing vou abmad? 
Flash. I have served abroad. 
tStipl. Had nut you the misfortune, flir, to ba 
mis^ini; at the last cnKAitciucitl m Flanders? 

FtoMh. 1 WHS found anioiignt the dead in tlie 
field of battle. 

Pu(}'. He was the first dmt fell, air—the winil 
of II caniioii-ball stmck hiiii (Ltit upon Ins fare : 
lie hud just !»lrennch eiiinit^h to creep into a diich ; 
nnd there he was found after the battle in a uio«t 
iit-plonitle oondilion, 

Capt. Vny, >ar, « hat ndvanremcnt did yvu geC 
by ihe service of that day ? 

FtasA. My wounds rendered mc uafic for ■rr* 
\'ice, and I sold out. 

Puf)'. ^tole out, VOL mean We hunted biin 

hv scent to tlie wnter-side ; tltcnrc he took ship- 
ping for Filmland; and taLini; lln^ advantn;:e of 
luv inascer'a atMenoe, hat attacked the ciiadt-l ; 
which wc are luckily come in relieve — and drira 
Ins lirjuour into the ditdi again. 
AtL Hit, hn, bn! 
Frih. lie, he, be! 

Capt. And now, sir, how have you dared to 
show your face Jii open day, or wear c*cn ihu 
out&idc of a profcsMon you have «n much scan- 

diilized by yuur hehav luur ? 1 honour tlw 

OHOiiC of a soldier; nnd. as n pnrtv L-nncurnvd, 
n<n bound nut tu >ee it distEniced. Aft you luive 
forIettc<l your title to honour, deliver up yuur 
Hword this instant. 

Ftath. Nay, i^oixl rnptain 

Capl. No words, air. ITnket kit ttrord. 

Ful. He's a uid teuundrel- 1 wiiJi I had 

It^ickird him. 

Capt. The next thini; I o)mmRnd — Leave lliir 
houM.', rbaiiKe the colour of your tloihcs, and 
liercenes<t of your lo4»ks ; appear froui top to toe 
the "Tctch, the very wrcica thou nrl: If e'er I 
meet tliee in the nulirnry drp»9 a^iiin, or if you 
put DU looks thut bely llie native tiaurcM of thy 
heart, be it where it will, tl>it i^hall be the re- 
ward of thy impudence ainl diuibcdicnce. 

[AiV&i him; Ac mn* of. 



Frill. What an inf«mOu«t nucal it is ! — 1 ihanV 
ynu, iir, for tliis fnvDur j but I muBt nftcr, nnil 
cane him. [Gain/i, i$ ttupl t</ the Cai>T4In. 

Ctipt. One word with you too, iir. 

Frib. Witli roc, sir ! 

Vapt. You trccd mn tremble ; T »h»n\ ote you 

i-V(i. [ am rcrtain of thnt,!iir; but I itm 8«id- 
ly inmUcil «nU wcitk nerve*, 

t'op/. Thou nrt of » specie* too dcapirable for 
corr»M;lj(iti ; therefore be pone ; and if I soe you 
iiercai^in, your nuitinificaiicy lyhan't finitect you. 

Frib. 1 uni obliged to yoil for your ktndncsit. 
Veil, if ever I ha^r (tnv (hint; to do witli iii- 
triturt auAin Miss Biddv, your wrYani — Cup- 
tain, yonr MMTant — Mrs T«g, yuura — Old widier, 
y*n(ri ! 

i»w(|: Rob ! 

[In rRTBBte's faeCf athe U goini; ovt. 

Frih.OUrd} ' [Exit. 

Ail. IU.h», Iml 

PkjT. Shall I case you of ynOr imphv, sir? 

Capi. Tal*c it, Puff, ns a entail itximipmsr 
fur thy fidelity; lliou caiiSt belter uve it thun iu 

Fh'X Twish your honour had a pBtf nt to tslr 
tuch trifles from t-very prrtiv geirtleintin thnt 
cottid tpnre them. I would set up ilic lu^eM 
rutler% bliop in the kinfidoin. 

Capt. Well wd. Hoff! 

fiuL Bui, pray, Mr Fox, haw did you pet out 
of your hole r I llinii|!lii ynu wnn Utt^kcd in. 

Cupt. I shot tlio holt bnt'lc when I hmird n 
ttnitc — and ihinkimc you wn^ in dnmrcr, 1 broke 
my cuulincinent wiihout any other ro»»iden»ii"» 
than vour •afetv. f A'lW' h-r Hontl. 

Sir Sim. [Without.] Biddy. Biddy! Why. 

Rid. 'Hicre'a the old gendeaian; run in, run 

[Firunt CkVJAXV 9nd Pt'n, Tig 
opens the dottr, ■ 

EttlerSm Simok andjAtrr.ti. 

Str Siru. \Vhere have yoo been. Hiddv? — Jns- 
pcr nnd I hnve Lnifcked and mlled as loud and 
as Ion; Hit we were able. What t«ere you doinff, 
ehild ? 

Hut I was rrnding pan of a play to Tag, and 
ac came as s-mn ns »e heard you. 

air Sim. What play, Miippei ? 

'iatf. 'Hie ' )M Balclietor ; Jtnd ire weir just jot 
tu old Nykyn, as you kitocLed at the door. 

Sir Sim, I must hove you burn your plavit ftti<< 
mmaiire*, now you are mine — ihey eomiivt yovr 
iiim>cence; and what can voii learn from them? 

Bid. What you can't tench me, I am sun-. 

S*r Sim. Fy, f?, child ' I never heard you tall; 
at thi» mle belore. I'm ut'raifl, laj, yoo put 
th«»e things- inio her lii*ad. 

Taf. I, air! — 1 yow. sir Simon, slie Luun*' 
more than yoa can ooiKCiirc. She surpriM'<» me, 

I nscure voa, thnagh f bnve 1»Pen married thea« 
two year^ and lived with bacliulors nKwt port of 
my bfe. 

Sir Sim. Do yoa licar, Ja^er? rm all mxr in 

a sweat. Pray, misa, have you not liad oom- 

pnuv this afternoon ? 1 saw a youn^ fop go out 
of the house as I was oomii^ hither. 

Bid. You might have seen twn, fir Simon, if 
your eyra bad Imm good. 

Sir Sim. Do you hear, .Tasper ?— ^-ftttr* iht 

child is poMwscd Pray, mua, what do ibry 

want liercf 

Hilt. Me, sir ; they wanted me. 

Sir Sim. Wliat did they want with yott, I sayf 

Hitl. Why, what do you want with ntef 

Sir Sim. i)oyou bear, Jasper? — I am Ihondfr- 
struck ! — I can't belicra my own ears— Tell 
ire the rca^H), 1 say, why-- - 

Tag. I'll tell you ihc reason why, if yoa please, 
t>ir Simon. Miss, von kiintv, i* a trrv ailly TOoaK 
uirl; Had, hating found out >! Heaven kDo*isbow!j 
that iliere is Mnrie little diArrencc between HXty- 
fi\e and twenty-fi*-e, slw** ridiculou* cnouKb M 
ctiUMT Uic Intter; wheut if she'd take ifty ad- 

Sir Sim. You are right, Tag ; she wotdd laLv 
roe — ch f- — 

Tos. Yes, •ir, as the only way to h«re both ; 
for, if -ihe nuirries yo«, the' other %iH follow of 

Sir Sim. Do you hear, Jasper ? 

Hut. Tis very tnic, sir Simon : from kmwHnf 
no better, I have set my heart upon a y*^ 
toon ; aitd a vounic one 111 have. TlieiV bo* beet 
tlm-t! here this afternoon. 

.Sir Sim I'hree, Ja%pcr ! 

Bid. And tliey have been (|aarTclling abaU 
mc, and one has fcetit the rrtlier two. Now, 4r 
Kimun, if you'll take up tlie (x)iH|ncnir, and kick 
him, as he has kirked the othera, yoti ahall bnt 
mc for yi'ur reward* ami hit tiftren tbtiVBal 
pounds mto the bargaiA. What snvrt mv benik 
eh f [Staps Mm on the bmk. 

Sir Sim. TIw wofld'u at an end \Vla«S (• 

be d'lne, Javfier^ 

Jul. Park up, and be eoRC. Don't Mit tlM 
mntrh, ^ir. 

>{ir Sim. Fle*h and blond can"! bear it— 
I'ln nil ov<M- auitaltfin — Uoch, hiiub ! — Am I 
'liruled by a hdby, a doll ? ^^be^e'^ yo«r nuot, 
\-m younc<""'-kalrice? — HI let her kn o w Artl 
ba^e woainn, and too are — 

Bid. Yoo are in a fine homoor tn show yrnr 
valour. Tag, fetch the ca)iTaiii thnt minute. rtMt 
^ir Sininn is nartii. aud l«-t him know he it wai;- 
in£ here to cut his ihronr. [Fnt Ttc.j I \oAri 
liini up in mr tieiU-tiuntber III! vou rtimr. 

Sir Sim. Here'* an imp of diirknc*> !— \*Tiai 
woiilH I (lice, that iny 'on Bob were here v> 
thri*h her sjiBrk, alute I — ravished the rm of 
the fonuly. 





Jm. I bdieTe we htd heft rctirr. lir. 

Sir Sim, No, oil, I tnunt see lirr tmlly first r 
and. fin Toil hfsr, JuTtpcr? il'l put lutn inn|i&uiun, 
do f ou kw»dc hiiu (kiwn. 

Jmt. Pnjf keep jrour temper, lir. 

Enter C^nAiK T4& and Pdpp. 

Cap/. [ J/iprtMirAiii^ angri/if.] WImt w the mean- 
ing, >tr — 'tJunds! it u my (albur, PutT! whut 
«luilll4o? \Atirte, 

i*«//t [Orom'nj Aim bji the coat.] Kneel again, 

&r S'ml I am enclianted ! {St«rlitig. 

Cmpl. Htcrc is an rctrcst ; I must vuud il ! 

Btd. What's all tliibf 

Sir Sim. Ymir humble §ervant, captain Fia*- 
ball. Yuu arc woUunie frmn tlte wars uublp i-np- 
Min — I did not think of bciii^ ktvicked uii Uic 
hnd, itr cut up altve, bv ni line n fcentlcmiin. 

Cfl^. I am under <furh conrutiun, sir, that 1 
1mv« aoC po«ver lu couviuce you uf my iiuiocvucc. 

$tr Sml Innocence ! pretty lamb ! And »o, fir. 
you hate left the recimcnt, and ihe buiiourable 
ciDploynicut ut' fighting for your cititotry. to cutnv 
booM and cut your fntlui'* throat? VVIiy, yyu*l I 
be a c'^'ot inaii in lime. Bub ! 

btii. Ilia fatlar, 1 14; ! 

Sf Sim. Cuuw, come ! *ti» soon done — one 
iitrukf! dur4 it — or if you have any i)iiiiliii3, \vl 
your nutrr, there, pcrt'onii ihc opcrutioii. 

Puff, Pmy, sir, don't throw such tt;m(rfution9 
IB my n»y ! 

Capt. iloid yniir impudent tongue ! 

Sir Stm. Why don't you sjjoak, Mr Modesty? 
wlial ctcuM' huvc VI lu for lea* inp the anny, I Miy? 

C*tpt. My utTectJon to ttii» ladv. 

Sir Sim. Yoor otEection, puppy ! 

Copt. <hir bvc, »ir, h:i» Ue<-n Ion;; and mutunl. 
What accidents have biipin-uvd slucc uiy uoiui: 
abmad, and her IcsviuK ihe couniry, and how ] 
bnv* OKKct nnaccountnlily met you Iu>r4\ I iiiit a 
tcnofrr to; btii wliativffr appeRraniTs may be, 1 
■dll mm, aitd ever was, vour duiifiil «oo. 

Bid. He ta\]ns like an ancd, 1'uc ! 

Sir Sim. DubTuI, »irrah .' — huvc tint youn\al- 
led Ttwir faibcT? 

{ ofii. Nu, ur.ynn have rivalled me. My claim 
mail be prior to ytxir«. 

Bid. Indeed, sir Simoo, he cno show tlie bc^t 
liile to lite. 

Jnt. Sir, »ir, tlic young pcntlemftDftpeaksuell; 
lite forlutfe will not ^>o ont of the family, 
Id adrift): \ou to drop your TC!tcntiii<>iit, he 
itcd to your mid, nnd relinqui>h tlie lady. 

Sr Sam, Ay. iiy. wiiH all ray Iwiirf — L>nk yc, 
*Mv I ieiv« you Uh- 1^1 ; she':) too louch for me, I 
<«BrcM ; — mid, take my word, you 11 cotcb a Tur* 


JJk/. I a«urr you, sir Siinou, I'm not the pcr- 
900 yKi take me for. U I ban* UMrd vou any 
vara ill» *tii« for your sou's sake, who \md roy 

fromisc nnd inciiiutiotu before ynu; and tb'Hqjh 
bcltem I should have madr you a most uncoiiv 
fnnable wife, I*U be the lieai'daujEhtirr to ytm in 
ihc world; aiiil if vou stand iti need uf a lady^ 
my nam 1% dt«eii|;«eeri, ard i^ the best narw— 

Sir Stm. No, i»o, I tiiniik you, child ; you bnve 
v» turned my »tomach to inamase, I have bo ap- 
petite leftj^ — Uut witent iii this auntf Won't 
she atop your proceedings think yoit i 

Tag. Shu's now ut her lawyfr'is air; and if you 
pleaje to ito witb the youi^ couple, and t;ive your 
tpprnbatiun, I'll answer for my old liui/s con- 

Hid. The captain and [, Mr 

Sir Sim. C<»ue, come. Boh, vnu arc hul an en- 
Mgn ; d>)ii't tm|jo<»e on the (>irl neither. 

Capt. 1 had the eood fortune, tir, to [ileo-^c my 
nival ftcopral hv mv heltaviour in u small tictiua 
with the eneiuy, and he ^ave mr a cooipany. 

Sir Sim. Itib, I wrisli you joy ! Tins i» news in- 
deed ! And wliin «e cetchrate your wt-ddiuft, 
win, rii dn>ik n hall-pini bumper niysell' to your 

Capf. And hf dotfcrves it,«ir. Such a (teneral. 
hv hia exariiplc and |u«ticp, animates us to deeds 
ut' i(lorv, nod insures Ud cnaquc!)t. 

Sir ^m. Ki^ht, luy boy —-Come atoni;, then. 

[ Going, 

Puff. Halt n little, gentlemen and ladicn, if you 
plcn>c. Every body licre seems well aaiislicd but 


Capt. What's the matter. Puflf? 

Puff. Sir, as 1 would uiakc mywif worthy of 
Kucli a maitter, and the nnmc of n suUlicr, 1 can- 
not put up sviih tlic lesut iii|iiry to my honour. 

Sir S*m. Ueyday * what t)oun<>h«:s mv t'tcw! f 

t*mtf. Here is tlie man ; eoiiie forth, caitilT. — 
[ToJaspcb.] — He hrtth conlestcd this dny, that 
lit ray absence he hnlh taken frcH-dom with my 
luwful wife, and luid dislionuumbtC inteutirjtit 
u::aiii!it my bed ; fur which I dcinaod satifac- 
linn. — 

Sir Sim. [Slrikiig him.] WTiai stuff i> here I 
The fellow's l>ruttiS lurncu ! 

Puff. And cracked too, sir; but you are mf 
master's fallicr, und I Kubmii. 

C<tpi. Come, come. 111 seiite your pnnculin*, 
and will take cake care nf you and Tnt; Iiereat- 
ter, provided ymi drop ull ammowtH-s, and sbakA 
btinii this moment. 

Pn(K My rerenee give* way 10 my iiiTcrcst; 
nnd i once again, Jafper, take lliee to my bo- 

J41S. I'm your friend agnin, Puff— But, hiirk ye 
— I fear y<m nut; and if you'll hiy b-juIc your 
<»to>rl titere, as far ns a broken head or a black eye, 
I'm nt your service upon demand. 

Tug. Yon are very ;:ood at crowini;, indeed, 
Mr Jatpcr ; but let me lell you, the fool, tlnit ii 
i-'i'>iio Cii'iiiEh to bra^ of a wonmn's favour", inu>l 
be a duji^luU cvcr^ way, A» for jou, my 




flear hasband, shew your manhood in a proper 
place, and you need not fear these sheep-raters. 

SirSinu The abigail is pleasant, I conieu — he, 

Bid. Tm afraid the town will be ill-natured 
eoouf^ to think I have been a little coqoettish in 
Iny behaviour ; but I hope, as I huve been con- 
stant to the captain, I shall be excused diverting 
myself with pretenders. 

Ladies ! to fops and bra|!g«rU ne'er be kind ; 
No charms can warm them, aud no virtues 

Each lover's merit by his conduct prove ; 
Who faib in honour, will be false m love. 







:■ quacks in painting. 

Bftt-9a, y 


^^^^ £ii<er Ci.iiMiNE./o//(»yi/ 6y the Boy, 

B Cdr. LftY these cnloim in the window, by the 

~ ftUet. Any visitor*, or messiigni? 

Boy. 'Siqmre Krlliree \%aA been bere, and insists 

opon MI'S* Riu:ict'9 ptcturcj being immcdialely 

iaithrd iind cniricd home — Ai to his wife nnd 

cklflrcn, be mivk, vou in»v lake y^>iir own time. 

Cmr. We»-^ ' 

Aoy. Ilcfc hu been n mcuege too from my 

hJ^ ren 1 a»n'l remember her niune, but 'lit 

«ym the •lute. She Hesirca to ktMw if you will 
Ic at honie about nonn. 

Cmr. Fetch iL f Kiil Boy.] Was the whole of 
oar profruion ronlincd to ihc mere business) of 
it. the craplnymml wmild hr pleiuing as well as 
(Vnfitable; but, a& matttn arc now ntaassed, lIh: 
■tt iiiiw Iwt thing to be rcf^dcd. I'amitycon- 
w ttoout, |triv«te reoummcodations bdH tui en\v, 
flatecl iDetho4l of tlatteriiit;, is to supply the do 
BoKy of a Ooido, lUc cuiourins of n liubrus mid 

Ifce design of b Ilaphnrl all their qualiiic-^ 

*aitcritif in one man, nitlioiit the tint rctinuiic, 

Aldermam rcNTWFiiXCL, a clly otlt, 
Calch, a ctib, kix soil, 
liov, tervant foCASHiirs. 

Ladt Pentweazel, the atdcrman't tpoute. 

&nie— j1 painting rcom. 


nouH he nM>te«; and, wit)) these, not one oftbem 
u necessary. 

Eater Bay, mth the tlate. 

C«T. Ijet'-* see Oh ! ladv Pentweazcl from 

Blow-hlnridcr-fitreet-^^ Admit lier, bv all means; 
and if I'liET or \'arntsh should ci>tiii-, I am at 
home. [Kxif Boy I Lodv PcocweiucI ! hit, ha ! 
Niinr, hcre'ii a pnMit, lluu iivarirc is not ihe onlr 

nr Inst pns^on old nk;c is subject lr>. This mi- 

pcraniiunled licldiiiiiociinc^ror flncterr, like a nest 
nf untltdgffl fniws for (ckwI; and with llR-m, tiK>, 
gulps down every thiuii that's otlcrcd Ikt — no mat- 
ter how coarse. Well, she rimll be fed ; I'll make 
lirr my intrududory key to the whole bench of 

Enter fioy RiiM Pt'pp. 

Boy. Mr Puff, sir. 

Car. Ijet lis be prirate. What hare yon there? 

^t^ff. I'wo of tlembrnndt's ctchincj by Scrape 
in May's Uuildiii£S- a pnltrv uiruir; a poor leii- 
^itiiica job; howctcr n Moall game ■ you know 




the prorerb What became of you yester- 

Car. I was detained by sir Pontive Bubble. 
How went the pictures ? The Guido, what did'that 
fetch ? 

Pu^ One hundred and thirty. 

Cor. Hum ! Fourguineas for the frame, three 
the painting ; then, we divide just one hundred 
and twenty-three. 

Puf/'. Hold— not altogether so fast- " Var- 
nish had two pieces for bidding against Squan- 
der, and Brush five for briuging sir Tawdry 

Car. Mighty well ! Look yc, Mr Pu£^ if 
these people are eternally quartered upon us, I 
declare od^ sir; they eat up the profit. There's 
that damned Brush — but you'll find him out. T 
have, upon his old plan, given him copies of all 
the woi^ I executed upon his recommendation ; 
and what was the conseaoence ? He clandestine- 
ly KAd the copies, and I nave all the oiiginals in 
my lumber-room. 

Puff". Come, come, Cannim; you arc no 
great loser by that Ah ! thut lumbcr-foom ! 
that lumber-room out of repair, is the best condi- 
tioned estate in th^ county of Middlesex. VVhy, 
now, there's your Susannah, it could not have 
produced you above twenty at most ; and, by the 
addition of your lumber-room, dirt, and the salu- 
tary application of the aspaltham-pot, it became 
a truido, worth a hundred and thirty pounds. — 
Besides io all traffic of this kind, there must be 
combinations. Varnish and Brush are our jack- 
nls, and it is but fair they should partake of the 
prey. Courage, my boy I never fear. Praise be 
to folly and fashion, there are in this town dupes 
enougfi to gratify the avarice of us all. 

Car. Mr PufI, you are ignorant, and scurrilous, 
Mid very impeniocat, Mr Puff; and Mr Pufi^ I 
have a strange mind to leave you to yourselvoi, 
and then see what a hand you would make of iu 
Sir, if I do now and then add some tints of an- 
tiquity to my pictures, 1 do it in coodesccnsiAn to 
tiw foible of tbe wurid; iar^wr, age, age, sir, 
it all my pictures want to render them as good 
pieces as tlw masters from whom they are taken ; 
and let me tell you, nr, he that took my Susan- 
nah for a Guido, i^vo no mighty proofs of his 
ignorance, Mr Pult 

Puffi Whr* thou post-painter, thou dauber, 
thou execrable white-washer, thou — have you so 
Mwn foi^c tbe wretched state from witeoce I 
drafted tuu ? Tbe fint Umc I set eyes on you, 
wliat wns ymu* occupation, then ? Scribbling, in 
scarce legible letters, Cofleo, tea, and cliocko- 
late, on a bawdy-buus* window in Goodman's- 

Car. The mcaimess of my original dcmon- 
Kraies the greatness of luy genius. 

Puff. Genius I Here is a dfig ! Prny, how 
high did your genius soar i To the daubing dia- 
bolical augcls for alo-houbes, dugs with chains for 

tanners' yards, rounds of beef and itasled pigs 
for Porridge island. 

Car. Hannibal Scrmtdu did the same 

Pajf. From that contemptible state itid not I 
raise you to the Cat and Fiddle in Ffetbooat-lane ; 
the Goose and Gndinui in Pwil's Cbtucb-yanl; 
the first live things you ever drew, dog? 

Car. Pox take your memory ! Well, bnt^ Mr 
Puff — vou are so- 

Pu^'. Nnr did 1 quit you, then : Who, simb, 
rcoomuicnded vou to Pnm Stiff tbe mercer upon 
Uidgate^ill ; bow came you to dmw the queen 
there i {Loud knock* mt ike door. 

Car. Mr Pu^ for Heaven's soke! Dear ur, 
you are so warm, we dull be tAown ■ 

Enter BoT. 

Bey. Sir, my lady Pen^^ 

Car. Send her to the— Show ber ap slain. 
Dew Puff— — 

Puff. Oh, sir ! I can be calm ; I only wmited 
to let you see I bad not fofgot, though, perhaps 
you may. 

Car. Sir, you are very oblm>S- Well, bit 
now, as all ts over, if you will retreat a uo^ 
time — Uidy Pentweazel siu for ber jncturc, and 

Puff. I have some business at neit door; I 
suppose in half an hour's time 

Car. i shall be at leisure. Dear Pnff-— 

Puff. Dear Carmine [Exit Pvtr. 

Car. Son t^ a whore 1 Boy, show dte lad^ up 

Enter Ladt Pehtweazel. 

Ltidif Pent. Fine pieces \ veir l^ely piecei ! 
And, mdeed, all alike. Hum ! Lady Fossock— 
and, ha, ha, ba ! lady Glumstead, by ail titans 

ugly Pray, now, Mr Carmine, bow doyen 

limners contrive to overlook the ugliness^ and 
yet preserve the likeness? 

Car. The art, madam, may hp coovcycd ia 
two words: where nature has been severe, «f 
soften; where »he has been kind^ w« ajpa* 

Lad^ Pent. Very ingenus, and very kindi tfO> 
[y. Well, good sir, I brii^ ?ou,a subject that 
will demand the whole ot the first pact of 
vuur skill ; and, if yuu are at leisure you suy 
negin dircrtly. 

Car Your ladyship is here a little uuralaM 
to nature, and cruel to yourself; even lai^ Peak* 
wcazcl's enemies (if such there be) nvst aUow 
that she is a fine woman. 

XodFv Pent. Oh, your servant, good ur I WI9, 
I have had my day, Mr Cannine ; I hafe lied mf 

Car. And have still, madam. Hw only (fifle^ 
cuce I shall mukc between what you Vcie, sad 
what you arc, will be no more than what Rnbcoe 
has distinguished betwaea Mary de Medici% e 
viiigin, and a regent. 


Ziodv Ptut, &tr Cvmiiw, I tow yoa lurc a 
very judmiMif pen>(iii ; I was Blmijri vnid tn be 
like ibnt I'nmilr. WIk-d my piece wtu first ihmr, 
(he lunorr <l>d roe ufter Vraas ite MvHi<-j», 
which, 1 Mippnae, mi^ht be aiie of Mju-y'* »ir* 
ten: hui Unass niu^t dtaiifre ; Co lie (utlitif* 
fur my picture ul ihis lime nl" d»v — hii, h». ha ! 
But my daughter. Sukey, «nu mint kmm-. i^ (usf 
ntnicd la ilr DcfHity l)np|>iii& of Cnndle- 
wid^vrard, wid wuulU tu>t be laid aay ; <k> it is 
But w much for tiic bemity, a& die kiouUtuitc. — 
H«, lia, hi% ! 

Cmt. Tnie, madui) : hs, ha, ha ! But if I Int 
the libmcsa* I must prc<H:n'C tJie beuutv. Will 
jiiur ladyship be %cntci\ f [She uii 

ImJ^ fcnt. I hate iipard, ^ood sir, that rrcry 
bndv has a iDore beUercraiid more wurscrer side 
a/ ime jacc tfa&a ^ other — now, vihkh wiil you 

Car. The riKlit-stdc, utadaoi— tJic left— now, 
if you plciuci the fiill^~Y«iiir ladyship's caiiii- 
Cenanre imu exactly priponiniicd, thnt t mast 
bsfv It ail ; nu (earure ivn Uo ^arcd. 

/a'/v Frnt. Whnt yuu cuuie tn Uic fvc*. Mr 
Ciniuur, let tuL> kiiuw, tiial I may call up ii 

Otr. Mi|ihljr well, madam ! your fnre a lltHe 
■carer Co ttM ieft, oefkrer tiic— -your linid mure 
ap — ahoulderi bsci— and ciM'fct i'fKWard. 

Ladjf foii. iltt'M me, Mr Cnnninc, don't 
jiuimI my abapo tliu Imut; far I am only in 
jatopab ShaU I wud for ray lubbii-s ? 

Otr. No. madnm, «ve'U stippJy that for the 
preaent— Y«nir lady»hip »a* ju« onw rocntidnine 
S 4MlglltCf'*~fl abe— jroiir face a littJe uiorv [o> 
wjvriiine — Is the the Hole inheritor of her mo- 
tfaer** benuiv ? Or — liavr von- 

Lmi/y PnL That? hn,' bs, ha ! Wfiy, that U 
my youngest of all. eictpt Cnleb. I tmvc had, 
Mr Cannioef Uve-born mid Hirisff^cd — stay — 
doo'l Jet me lie now — CJiw — twrj — itirve — four — 

i*9 In short, I hiivc hnd twenty ta fine babc» 

•a wrmt m>de iii shoe of Kitfanr. 

Car. i/pnn my wurd, madam, your ladyship b 
an admimtile meinhcr of ibe commonwenttb;^ 
'ui a thousand |nlies that, like diti RamaoK, we 
haw iMt wime honours to rvwnrd such diuiii- 
paabcd ment. 

Lmdy Prnt. Ay, ny, MrCnrmiac, if brccdinc 
mntt);^ ('KrtMtaiM was m much ciicotirugrd an 
mmnapst doc^ aod hurw-s mc need iiul ite inn- 
hafi law^ to Id in n pared of outlandibh locuiits 
iDMC tan all up. 

Car. I am I'jld, roadaiOf that n bill fur Aome 
mdh fNirpinr i« afaiiift IQ nmit. Now, inndain, 1 
■■ coaw i» ihe eycf— (Mi. that look, ibnr, thnt 
\ anul AaafMir of iiutrmtiue ! 

ImA/ Frmt. Oh, oh. CiMid ^ir ! Ilnvr tou found 
Mthaif Why, al* mv famiN by ibc mother's 
*4e «■« famous for their (-<ros : 1 have n prom 

'■■•■OBit die bcamte* at U'lniL^nr; slir ban n 

MfT It llauiptoti-cuurt, a perdigiuus tine wo- 

min — slw had but one eye, indeed, but that wu 
a piercer; tJiut ouct^vegot ht:r tlircc huiibiuid»— 
we were ctdleil the {^inlct-rv<d t'titiiilr. Ob, Mr 
Carrainc, you need not mind these Itc^it^ in my 
t'acc; they always disciiarse thmis-lvc^ about 
Chri»cma!t — my true cnrnntion ts not seen in niy 
iMiuiitrnnnce. That's carnation ! Here's your 
de&h uiid blood. 

[Sitfhiag Are arm. 

Car. Dt-timtP, indeed ! finely luriK^iT, and of u 
charming eolimr ! 

Zitt/v Ptnt. And yet it has been employed 
fnoui*!! to ^noil the btst band niid arm m tbg 

world Kveu l>eforc marriuce iic^er idle. 

none of your ^lopjo", ^o«sipiiic, l(<in['in(!|, 
rumps, like the fonvard minxe* nf the prcMin ^^ 
tkf,e. I WA% nlwnvH rmptoycd either iu |iaintini( 
vDur bmskips, plaiioK upon the havpicoh, ma- 
king pnitte, or something or oiber — .-Ul our fumi- 
I y Ibid a geno; and then I sunt;* Bvrry body 
said r bad a monstrous fine voice for mutic. 

Car. That may be discerned by your lad}'- 
ship'a tones in conversation. 

Lorfy Pent. Tones ! Voa arc riRht. Mr CtP- 
mine ; that wn* Mr PureeU'a wurd. Miw MJIy 
Griskiu, says be (my maiden numc), you have 

Car. As your loilyftbip him preservcl every 
thing else so well, I dare swear yju bni^e not 
Inst your voice. Will you favour me with au 

Lady Prnt. Oh, iar\ you arc so polite, thnt 

it's iinp<i«nble Dut I have none of your new 

pIny-house soncs 1 can pive y«u "nc tliat was 

made on my-wtf by Liuirciice LutcUrio^ u nciglf 
hour's son. 

Car. What you please, madaro. 

Ijidy Prat. [Sii^.J 

Ah I was walkine by the Side of a riser, 
1 met a ynuti)* damsel so eharmine and clcrcr; 
Her voice to please it could iMt tiul> 
Slie Ming hke anv niuhlincale, 
i'al, tie, rol f hugb, bugh, &c. 

Blem me I I have aodi a ixiugb ; but there nre 

Car. Inimitable ones. 

J^Hy Ptnt. But, Mr Carmine, you Itfflnors&re 
all in;fenui} men — yim sine ? 

Car. \ ballad, or so, modnm ; music ia a sit- 
ter art; and it tvotild br a little unnatural not to 
cullivHtc nn ai:f|uuintnncc there. 

Lady Pent. Why. truly, we oucbl not to be»- 
shnraeil ofoiir reiatii>as, uiilew> Uiey are puur;— 
and thcD, you Imoiv- ■ ■ 

KhUt Boy. 

Bay. Aldcrmnn Peotweniel, atid Mr Puff. 

iMit^ Pent. Oh, he w»* tn call upon nie ; we 
so to tlte nuctiuo. Uc^ire him to walk up — ^' 
i*cntwcascl, you muse know, went thii mgnuiin 





to meet Caleb, mv youngest boy, at the Ball and 
(jatr. I'he cliilH has been two years and three 
quarters at school, with Dr Jerk, near Dontas- 
tt;r, and comes tu-day by the York waggon t for 
it has always been my maxuro, Mr Carmine, to 
give niy children learning enough ; for, as the old 
saying is, 

When house ami land are gone and spent, 
Then learning is most excellent. 

Car. Your ladyihip is quite right. Too murh 
money cannot be' employed in so material ao ar- 

Liufy Pent. Nay, the cost is but small ; but 
poor ten pounds a-year, for bead, back, books, 
bed, and t>clly; and they say the children are 
all wonderful Latiners, and come up — lack-a- 
day ! they come up as fat as pigs. Oh ! here 

they are ;odds me ! he's a thumper. You 

see, Mr Carmine, I breed no starvelings — Come 
hither, child. Mind your havmurs. Where's 
your t»est bow } Turn out your toes. One would 
think he had learnt to dance of his father. I am 
sure my ftiniily were none >o awkward. There 
was my brother George, a perfect picture of a 
man : he danced, lud ! But come, all in good 
time — Hold up thy head, Caleb. 

JId. Prithee, sweet honey, let the child *- 
loiif. His master says he comes nn wonderful 
in his IcHrning; and, as to your bows and your 
coniiees, never fear, he'll lenru them fast enough 
at hciuie. 

l-edtf Pent. Lack-a-day ! Well said — we now 
— if he docs, i know who muht teach him. Well, 
child, and dost remember me ? Hey? Who am 

Caleb. Anan ? 

Lady Pent. Dost know me ? 

CaUb. Yes ; vou be mother. 

Ladi/ Pent, ^iay, the hoy had always a good 
memory. And what hast learnt, Caleb, hey ? 

Caleb. I be got into Xao^\ Fables, and can 
say all At in pretenti by heart. 

Lady Pent. Upon my word-~that's more than 
ever thy father could. 

Aid. Nay, nay, nn time has been lost; I ques- 
tioned the lad as we came aloug ; I asked him 

Ltidi/ Pent. Well, well ; speak when you are 
spoken to, Mr Alderman. How often must I — 
Well, Caleb, and hadst a good deal of company 
in the waggon, boy } 

Caleb. U la ! rowen of company, mother. — 
lliere was lord Gorman's fat cook, a blackamorc 
drumming-man, two actor people, a recruiting 
Serjeant, a monkey and I, 

Laittf Pent. Upon mv word, a pretty parcel ! 

Caleb. Yes, indeed; ^ut the the fat cook 

got drunk at Coventry, and su fell out at the tail 
of the wnfigon ; so wc left she behind. The next 
day tliescrjeantran away with the showman's wife; 

the t'other two went a^r ; so only iht monkey 
and I came to town together. 

Car. Upon my word, the young genttenwB 
gives a good account of bis traveli ! 

Lady Pent. Ay, ay, Mr Carmine, he's aU over 
the blood of the Griskins. I warrant the child 
will make his way. Go, Caleb, go and look at 
them pretty paintings — Now, Mr Canaine, let 
us see if my goodman can find me oat. 

Aid. lack-a-day ! Well, I profess th^ are all 
so handsome, that I am putzled to know wlucfa n 
thine, chuck. 

Piiff". J am surprized at your want of diacem- 
ment, Mr Alderman; but the posaesaiOD of a 
jewel destroys its value with the wearer: now, to 
me, it seems impossible to err ; and tbcaq^ Mr 
Carmine is generally successful, Jn thk instanoe 
he is particularly hapj». Where can jaa meet 
with that mixture of nre and softnesa, bat in the 
eyes of lady Pentweazel i 

Lady Pent. Oh, sir ! 

Pvjl. That clearness and delicacy of cpm|4ex- 
ioD, with that flow of ruddiness and beahb i 

Ladtf Pent. Sir ! Sir ! Sir ! 

Pvjf. That fall of shoulders, turn of nedt, aefr- 
on head, full chest, taper waist, plump 

Lady Pent. Spare me, sweet sir ! Yon sec, Mr 
Pentweazel, other people can find out my dianns, 
though you overlook them — Well, 1 profess, sir, 
you are a gentleman of great discernment : and, 
if business should bring you into the city — fnr> 
alas ! what pleasure can bring a man of your le- 
6ned taste there ? 

Puff. Ob, madam ! 

Lady Pent. I say, sir, if sudi an aocsdeot 
should happen, and Blowbladder-street hasaoj 
charms — 

Pii(jr. Oh! Madam! Madam! Madam! Ma- 
dam ! 

Lady Pent. It is not impomble bat we may 
receive you, though not equal to your meiiti — 

Puff. Madam! 

Lady Pent. Yet in sudi a manner aa to Aem 
our sense of them. Sir, Fm your very obadi- 

Pvff". Your ladyi^ip's mos t .. 

Lady Pent. Not a step. 

Pufi. Madam 

Lady Pent. Sir — Mr Alderman, yon bow ta 
the gentleman. The very finest-^— | 

Puff Madam ! 

Lady Pent. Sir, your most obedient 

Pu(/'. Your devoted. 

[Exeunt AU. md Wy*. 

Car. Ha, ha! Well said. Puff! What a cala- 
mity hast thou drawn upon the knight ! Thn 
hast so tickled the vanity of the harndaI^ tUt 
the poor helpmate will experience a doaUe po^ 
(ion of her contempt. 

Pa^ff. Rot them 1 But to our buaineaa. TW 
auction is about beginning; and I have pniniidl 


lo meet Mr Dmvid Dasledorpe, air Posmre Bub- 
ble, and lord Uupc, to examine thr pictures ond 
fit oo tbuae fat which ll»cy arc Iw Lid — but simre, 
^r have scukd the (>erniaD pliui ; 9U VaruUb ur 
Bnub muM attend iheiii. 

Car. Oh ! By nil mcan^ poKiie ihaL Yoii 
have uu conceptiim hnw d«itr tlie t'oreii^n nrrt-Di 
IB to your true vtrlunsn; it amtnuiice^ i»sU, 
knijfflpit^, vemciiy, mid in »h»rt ei'crv lliinjj — 
But caii you emiu)j;h diHt*ui>« tlip turn of voiir 
face, aixl tone uf your vujcc ? A diaciivtry ut' Mr 
Puff, lit Mvnhrer Groningcii, blasts us at once. 

' ■ f feiir nie. I wtcli you may hnrc 

wju ' Hi lite part of Cutitt;. 

Cur. I'ho ! Miiie'i) a iritlc. A oinii must have 
very ^ndf:r abilities indeed, who can't, IVir fen 
uinmtmt imitate a lun^uu^c iuid dcpurtiucut tliat 
he hw been witocss lu tor ten years. 

P»(K' But YOti fouu £t-t thoir tunes, thrir 
loocs; 'tis easy enuuitb, Citme, liuiid ti]> litn- 
rt»t (hcrv Corrv^o : an ininiiinblc ijiccc. (ct-ttik- 
acn and InHit-K- iUl- vrry bL-^i worit of the hr^i 
itWMrr ; Mib'it-ct atireeuble. Iii^lily (iiii&bcd, iiml 
•ell pre*«m'(l : a M.'at for llic iivlics; hand it tu 
Mr Poiiuve : ai^oin*: for tifty : npcnk, or it i^ pH 
iag f<uir titty; joy i<> ymir ladyiktiip : conic, the 
next. But rctneuiber, let yuur bob bo bu^hy, 
•nd jiour bow low. 

Car. Roouch. rnoii«h; we are ttrangera to 
each oilier, you know. 

Puff. Absuluir. Oh! but what pictures of 
yfMirs urc in the sale ? 

Car. Tltcre's my holy iainily. by Kuphael : the 
inRrrtait*' inCaiiii, by Iteuben Kuiiee ; roiii Jack- 
S'>n's Tenicr*: nod for bu».t<, Taylur'* head with- 
• itil a iHi^e from llercnlaiiftitn. 

Ptiff. Arc lltoaiiiiqiic ^ciils comohome? 

Ciir. So; but titey uiU be tinisbcd '.<y next 

/*«/)'. You niu«t take aire of Xo?ice'« collec- 
tion of inedals — he'll want ihetu by thu end of 
lite iiuHith. 

Ctir. The coins of the iir»i emperors ape mivt 
^let-pine in roppprnti; and I huvc an Ollm, n 
C'olbu, It Nero, iiiiii two Dnituciim^, reeking fi-oiti 
the ditiii;hilL The rest nc can h>ivc l'n>iu Dr 
Muiniov ; a ncver-fuiling chap, you know. 

Puj): Arluu ! [Rrit. 

Car. Vinirs. sir — a trouhlcwinr felloi*, this — 
conlouiidrd inrmury — iiwinl, tlioiith — roniidB u( 
beef and rousted pijis! — Musi <^rt nd of biiii — 
ay; hiitwlirn? Why, wliin — ^«h^n I hnve ^niiH 
cd my point. But h'tw, huiir then? Olt, then it 
does not signify twopeuoe. [Etit. 


SCENE t— Auction rtxm. 


Knter Lord Di;pt, Bt7bDte,$Qtf*:(i)Ei, )$r. 

JDUer Pcrr, a$ Moxsiecr BARon oc Gromjn* 
ocKtCAKiiistc a*C*Kio, and Bhusu. 

Cor. Come, bustle, bustle. Btu^h, vou intro- 
iuat Puff Vafff how iire you in your Ciennan ? 

Puff'. I ouiiio ftpeiik for Knelaiidt, but 1 citii 
wmk uDdenatnd rery nuKbiily. Will that do? 

Bruxk. To a hair. Kemember you iire come 
iMter CO porchase pictured lor the elector of Ba- 
vsria. Cannine, you muM clap lord Dope's coat 
of arms on that half-iro£;th of Km-imuH. 1 Ikivp 
aoltl il htm »» his ^rvut-^raodl'athcr'a Uiird bro- 
ther lor fifty f;uincufl. 

CWr. It ihalt tK- done — Be it my province to 
UKahliali the boron's rrputatiua as a coiutuissour. 
Brwii bu seen vou urtroad at the court of the 
rdi|piinv prinee of Ulanriii. 

Fwf)' Yvt; I was da bosineai mightily for 
^rirtcc RlantiPf 

OruMk. Y<nir piKtniiu pt first. Carmine. No- 
vice, sir Pitiiiive Uul'ljlc, Jack .Squander, lunl 
Dttpr* Bod Murdciiii l^znru» lli« Je»'-liriil,(T. 
lane appotntcd me ui ekiuninc with iIiliu tlie 
, la«irirv -pieces. Which are muat likely to stick r 

IW. Here's a lint. 

. Ilutli ! hide tttc Krasmus; I hear ilic 
' on iJie Atair<». 

ijnas. And re-cnteri ano/i. 

lAtnt Dupe. Mr Brush, t am your devoted scr- 
*iiiit. You have proi'ured my Biiccsror? 

HrugJi. It ih in oiy (MMwintun, toy lord ; and I 
have the honour to uv>ure your lordihip that Uic 
family featuri's are \-ery di-so-nnbk*; and, allow* 
iiis for tlie ditfcreiice of dress, there's a strong 
likcncsi between tou und your predecessor. 

Lord Dupf. sir, you huve olilitfed me. All 
thc«e you liave marked in the catalogue are ori* 
finals r 

Bntih. L'odoubtod. But, my lord, yon need 
not depend solely on my judcm''nt : here's Myn- 
heer baron de Grooiiisen, uho it come hitlKr to 
«urvev, liiid purchusc fur the L-!<>ct'ir uf Ijitvartn ; 
.in iiKJi^piiturile rrjnnoivcnr ■ hiN bidding wilt be 
a directiiio for your htnlthip. Tut a thousund 
pities tinit any of these ma-iers should quit Eiig- 
Intid. They were condut-rd hii'icr at an iui- 
mt-nsc espetice ; and if lliey imw Ica^c us itliat 
Mill it be but a public decluratitio, that all tii<iie 
ind liberal knowledge is vunuhed from am<HigsC 


Litrd Dmpt. Sir. leave the support of the ft»- 
lioiml credit to my cure. Could you introduce 
me to .Mynheer? Oocs he speuk EnuIiUtf 

Bi'inh. Not ihieiitly ; hoi^iiuiobeiinHer«t'K)<L 

Myiihif^r, lord Dupe the p^iruo of nri*, the 

I'etromus lor liute, and for w«ll-iinied j;fiii-ra»iiy 




the Leo — and the Afxcenas of the present age, 
desirod to know yuu. 

Puff"- Sir, you "honour me very mightily. I was 
hetir oF lord Ou[>es in liullnndt, I was tell he 
was one delatant^ one curieuse, one pricieuse of 
his country. 

Ijtrd Dupe. The Dutrh are an obliginf^ civ'i- 
lizcd, viell-hicd liiod of people. But pray, sir, 
what ticca'aiuas us the honour of a visit from 

Puffi I was come to bid for paints for de eleo> 
tor of Btivaria. 

tard Dupe. Are there any here that deserve 
your Qttcotiun ? 

Pvff. O, dare are (jood pieces ; but dare is 
onp [' likes niigtitily ; de off^ky, and home track 
is 6ne, and de maister is in it. 

Lord Dupe. What is the subject ? 

Puff'. Dat I know not ; vat I miudf, rat you 
call de draws and de colours. 

Lord Duft. Mr Canto, what is the subject } 

Cor. It is, my lord, St Anthony of Padua ex- 
nrcAing the devil out of a ram-cat : it lias a com- 
panion somewhere— oh, here ! which is the same 
saint in a wilderness, reading his breviary by the 
light of n glow-w irm. 

Brush. Invaluable pictures both ! And will 
match your lordsliip's corregio in the saloon. 

Lord Dupe. I'll have them. What pictures 
are those, Mr Canto? 

Car. Toey are not in the sate; but I fancy I 
could |)rur«re thcni for your lordship. 

Lord Dupe. This I presume, ini^ht have been 
a lundskip; hut the water, and the men, and the 
trees, and the dogs, and the ducks, and the pigs, 
tliev are nil obliterated, all gone. 

lirush. An indisputable mark of its antiquity ; 
ibi \-cry merit ; besides, a tittle vutiish will fetch 
the fig'ures again. 

Ijn-d Dupe. Set it down for me The next. 

Car. That is a Moses in the bulrushes. 1 he 
blended joy and grief in the figure of the nster 
in the corner, the distriiss and anxiety of the 
mother-here, and the beauty and benevolence of 
Pharaoh's daufihter, are circumstauces happily hn- 
i^ined, sod boldly expressed. 

Bru$h. Leck-B-day 1 'tis but a modem per- 
formance ; the master is alive, and an Euglish- 

Lord Dupe. Oh, tlien I would not give it 
bouse room. 

PuO- Here is a pretty piece I find stick up 
berc in de comer : 1 was see in Hollandc, at 
Loo, apiece mii^hty like; there was little mices, 
that was nibble, nibble, nibble, upon vat you 
call frumage, and little shurels all vit brush tail* 
Tan up de tree^; and there was great things vat 
y«u call — pstia, that have long hearts, and cr\ 

Brv$h. What! goats? 

Pa^; Ay, dat was de name. 

X^d Dup€. I should thiitk, by the cheese end 

the goats, Mynheer, yuars mu a WdsK piece, in* 
stead of a Dutch. 

I'v/. Ah, 'twas good piece. I wiih te tny 
heart lord Dupes was have that piec& 

Enter Novice. 

Not. Where's Mr Brush ? My dear Bmsfa, an 
I too late ? 

Brush. In pretty good time. 

2sov. May i loiie my Otho, or be tumbled 
from my phaeton the first time I jchop my mv- 
rels, if I have not made more haste than a 
young surgeon to his first labour ! But the lots* 
the lots, oiy dear Brush, what are tbey? I'm 
upon the rack of impatience till { see the'in, and 
iu a fever of desire till I possess them. 

Brush. Mr Canto, the gentleman would be 
glad to see the bmits, medals, and predoos relief 
of Greece and ancient Rome. 

Car. Perhaps, sir, we may f<bow htm some- 
thing of greater antiquity — Bring tliem forward 

I'he first lot coDMsts of a hand without ■■ 

arm, the first joint of the forefinger gone, sofK 
posed to be a limb of t)ic Apollo Delphoa 
The second half a foot, with the loea entire, of 

the Juno Dicina The third, the Caduceus of 

the Mercurius Infernalis ^The fourth, the 

half of a tee of the infant llerculeS' ■ All 
indisputable antiques, and of the Memphiiu 

PuXf. Let me see Juno's half-foot. All die 
toes entire ? 

Car. AH. 

Puff. Here is a little swelt by this toe, dat 
looks bad proportion. 

Ail. Hey, bey ! 

Put): What's dat ? 

Cor That ! Psha ! that ! Why, that's only a 

AiL Oh! 

Puff. Com f dat was extreme it^anl ; dat it 
fine ; d« maister is in it. 

Alt. Very fine; invaluable! 

Puff: Where is dc llcrtules' calf? Upon mf 
word 'tis a very lar^ee calf; hig, bi^ b^ all de 
way up, all de way down. 

Lord Dupe. I believe tins Hercules was aa 

Nov. But where are your busts ? Her^ htn, 
gentlemen, liere's a curiosity ! a raedal of 
Oriuna; got for mc by doctor Mnmmy; tbeoelf 
one in the visible world; there may be ooaie 
under ground. 

Lord Dtfte. Fine indeed ! M'itl yon pervit 
me to ta>re it ! It has the relish. \JU trntt. 

Nov. Hie relisti ! Zouks, it cost me a hoodrcd 

Pvjf. By gar, it is a dear bit, thmq^i. 

Nov So yuu may think ; but three times lbs 
money should not pureliasc it. 

Lord Dupe. Pray, sir, whose bust is it ibit 
dignifies this coin? 









Nov Th* tmpms Oriooa, mr lurd. 

Lard Itupc^ And wlxf, »ir, might iihc be f I 
ikoo'i reooUect to have bcmrd of the lady be- 

JVim. She, tny lord? Oh, »hn inu a. bind m' 
«h<ii-(J'vc^ciill-(>ni — n sort of • qucm. or wife, or 
•omeilunc or other tu imiiiuhodv thnt hveil a 
4taiiiiipi1 while Hf>>i — Miunmr idIcI me tlie whole 
Worv ; but, befufc gad, I've I'or^ttit iL But cuuir, 
the bu»ti. 

C«r. Bring fV>rward iHe IkwI from Hcrculoiie- 
am. Now, itt-nrlcmcn, here 19 h jewel. 

jill. At, ay. In'* w«. 

C'«r. ' I'u not etitiri% thoui^h. 

A«r. Ski iiuii*h the bctlvr. 

CW. RifEht, 6ir — t))c vcrv mutiUtioiu of thi^ 
|iiece ore worth all thu iimst pt^rffct pcrtonniiii- 
cca uf miKiera aitisu.— Now, gcntJe m cu, here'^u 
Caurli^on« for yitur laue * 

JU. (Srrat ! threat iiid(«H \ 

Hvv. Great! amiuiii^l divine! Oh, lot me 
emtiiiu-e rhc drar diivmeinbervd bust ! A tittle 
fart)wr oS. I'm mvi>lH>d ! I'm tmuspiried ! 
What ail nttitude! Uiit then tlie locki ! How 1 
mt^iTT the ^implicitv iif the nncionfs ! How ui>- 
fike the iiTc-M.-nt, (tijLsi"'*, rro)i-<-ttr(^l puppets ' 
}{««• ericcrullv tJiev (all ull adunn thu cheek ! 

Ml rUornt in firiivc, mid Who tlie de«d 

d>i yu ttiitik It i\ Uni^h^ U it a roan, ur a mo- 
mma t 

Car. Tbe ctmriotH^eun differ. Some will have 
it lu brtl>e Jtipitt-rToiiunior Ptitdias andntherH 
the X'eiitift of PNph<» fmm Praxitclcn : bur I 
don't think, it fierce enough lor the lirst, nor 
kuMlwinir ptinnch for the last. 

AVp. Vm, handvime enniq^. 

^/L \'tfy hnudsotne; haddsnuie efMM]|!b. 

Cvr. Not quite — therefore I am inrlined to 

jam with Siiritor Julia de I'ampedillu, wlio, iu a 

trci(.u«e dedicated to the tii>-^of the two Si'tltcfc, 

ailU it the SpHijii^ uf ihc^ I'^^iitinii*; imH anp- 

Ei It 10 have been iabni-;)retl about elctt-n 
red niHl three ^ean before the Mouiic ac- 
nutit of tlie centioii. 

A'«p. I'roditiaiis • and ( dure swear true. 

AiJ. <(h ! true, icry Uue. 

PifY, Vaitn my Iwinour, 'tis a I'ery fine baat; 
hw whrie IS de nine f 

Nttp. The mt^e; wlwt eflfc I f«r ihe iK»e' 
Where 1* de hum.' ? W liy, «>ir. if it tutd a no?<', I 
•<u«ld titiC ei»p »iif>riH'e ft*i' it — How the devil 
•hoald wi.' di»iiiii:)ii^h tite works of the ancirnls 
if I her i»efe perfen ? — X'**' n(»e indeed ! Win, 
I Smi nmmroni now, but, b;irni>g iIk* ito»c, Rou- 

Uliac cxMild rui H.t ctf»(t A head e^crv whit 

Bntth» «rh«i t<t |hi9 iiiiin with hi« imv ? I'he ftl- 
t>w »tKMihl know »)iiK-tUmg of something Vto, for 
Iw ^^e«kft broLtii Kot*li4li. 

BfMtk. It i» M^nticer Oroningeis a great coa- 
•o«»«#ar in p^niuic. 

Aor. Tti^t inuy be; but as to sculptare, I am 
ftu vcnr buniUe arrvaut. A ama aiuA kiuin 

dainnod little of statavjr, tiiat dtilikes ■ but for 
wunl of a nuM!. 

Car. Hinht, sir— The oose itself, wtlli«i<it the 

hitiul, nay, in luiotlivr's posiCMion, would l>e un 

ciituiL' (iui here aic behiiKi, eentleincn binI 

tadie^, an t^^ueurian stiiue of Marco* Aoreliii* 
wiLhnut tlip iKirsr, and a eomplciL- htatue ol' ih« 
cuipcror Trajan, with only tlic head nnd \e^% 
nii^sine; btrfh fnitu Ucceuluncuiu — ^'I'hii wajT} 
^eiiiU-'inen and ludies. 

Enter Lady PEMwraxrt, Aldlimxs, and 


Jjidy Pent. Now, Mr HentweaTeU let us hare 
nooe of your Blow bladder breeilins. itcmeinbar 
yuii ur« ;it (ht- cuun-rnd of tbe towo. This ia a 

Atel. W liere of coone nnchiog ii sold that is 
uwful — 1 ain luutred, iweet honi-y. 

iMdif Pent, L'ulrb, keep Ih hind, and do«t be 
cneddling. Sir [To Uaufttt. 

Itrinn. Vuiir pleiisurp, madam * 

Ladt/ Pent. I should be (;lnd you would infora 
nic It then are any lots of very fine old china. 1 
lind tl>e quality lue itruwn iuHnitily fond of it ; and 
1 ain williiiK lu »huw tbe world thjit we in the 
city have ta^te. 

iJrtuA. Tib a laudable resolution, madam; 
and 1 oareaay, Mr l.'eiitoain supply — UlesfVne ! 
wliat'a that f (C'ALCb tkraat doitn s cHtao'tluk. 

Lads ^"' l^*t ^^> I suppose ! Well, if tli« 
luiMrtiicrnus brat hoii uot liroke a — and look bow 
he ntuiidft ! — 8irrah, sirrah, did [ nut bid vou nut 
meddle — Luave wckinjc your rhumbs. What, I 
ftuppObC you If^arnt lliat trid( uf your frieod tlie 
uiookey in the wa^on ? 

Ca/eA. Indeed I did not go to do it, notber. 

Alii. Prith(«, sweet honey, don't be 10 pumon- 
ntc. VV bat's done can't be undone. I'hc loftb la 
not fireat ; rontc, come. 

Prutk. Mr Aldenuan i» in the riiihl. Tbe af- 
fuir u a iriBc; but a twcniy punicti job. 

Ltui^ Pent. Twenty euineo* ! You sbouM 
have twenty of my teeth as 

Car. You mean il you bad tliWM- ■■ Your 
Indii'sliip does not know the value of that piece of 
rhiiin. It )» tIte riiiilit old .Ih|Kui gf tbe pea-itreea 
kiutl. Ijidy MmMlariu oUurd nie, il 1 ouul4 
lUuTdi tL, tijurscore (:(iiut-»& for tlte pair. 

Larti liupt. A (mm piecL-, indticd ! 

/ utf. ' Vis » er line ! 

i'alrb. Indeed, fallier, f did aot break it' - ■ 
Twaa cracked in the middle, and bo fell a-Cwa 
IU my huud. 

iJitii/ Ptnt. Wltol ! wa5 it cracked? 

i'alfb. Ve», indeed, mother. 

i^^V i'**n/. There, pcntleinen ! 

Jjord Dujtr. Madan^ I would willin^jly wt yoa 
ri|cht in this aAiir : vuu don't wciu acfuaiiitrd 
with these kind of lhin2.6; thcr<-forp, I Imve tl»e 
honour to tt'U you, thnt the crark m ihc midille 
ia a mark of it> Butii|Uity, imd CRlauioc* its raUie ; 




and these genlteihCQ arc, I dare say, uf Lhu saiae 

AU. Oh, eotircly. 

Zifu/y Pent. You are all of a f^ne> I think. A 
bruLeit piece ofchiua beucr than m whole: oite ! 

Lord Dupe. Madam, I never dispute with a 
lady; but this Kt^ntlenian has tK»ie ; he is a fu- 
reipicr, and su uui't Ik: Uiuught prejudiced; re- 
fer it tu biin : the day grows luie, aod 1 nimt die 
auction ui U^in. 

AU. Sweet honey, leave it to die gcutleman. 

Laiiy Pent. Well, Mr. 

Pujf. Madum, I love to serve He lady- Tia a 
TCr fine piece of clima. I was !>ec sucti anot>icr 
pteoe sell at Amsterdam for n hundred ducat* — 
*J"i9 ver well worth twenty ^uiuea. 

CtiUli. iMother ! — father ! never stir if that 
gentleman Iteii't the t«me that we sec'd at the 
IHuatiii|;-ioan's, that was »o civil to motlier; only 
DC has sot a black wig on, aud speaks outiaiidtah. 
m be far-ciioupli if it en't a May-^me f 

Ladi/ Pent, llcy ! let tne (tit but the boy's iu 
Ibe nsttt My dear, as I'm alive, Mr Puti', timt 
nc saw at the liinoer's. I tutd you be was a 
more cleverer luaii titan I ever saw. Caleb is 
right ; some matter of merriment, I warrant. 

PyXt'. I wihh it was. [JiiJ«r.] I no understand. 

Cm'. Si, Mr Puff, you are cau-^lit. [J»it/e. 

Lord Dupe. Thi'^ is a most uofortunaie old 

lady nlfldam, you are bi?rc under another 

mistake. 'Hiis ib Myuheer Barun ile 

Ladtf Pent. Mynheer Figs-cad. Can't I be- 
lieve my own eyes? What! do you tliink be- 
cause we live in the city wc can't »eef 

Nov. Fire roe, my lord, there may be more in 
this than nc can ^e%. Its worth exauiinini; 
into. Couic, sir, if you urc Mynheer, who the 
devil knows you f 

Pifff". I was know Mr Canto miKbtilr. 

Nvv. Mr Canto, du yuu know this baron? 

Citr. I see the dug will \te detected, and now 
is my time to be even witli him for bis rounds of 
beef aod rooi-tutfr pi^ii. [Aude.] I can't say I ever 
i«w the )!eutlcuiiuj bufure. 

Nor. Oh, oh ! 

Zdtrd Dupe, 'flic fellow in an inipo«tnr ; a pal- 
Mble citeat. Sir, I think you cauie from tliif 
lUiine — prav, how should you like walLint; into 

Nov. Or what think you, my lord i 'I'lie rasmt 
complained hut now thnt the bust wnnicd n noM.* 
— sDppo&e we vrere tu supply tlie dcticicucy with 

Lord Dupe, But justice, Mr Novice. 

Cor. Great rascal, nidci^, ficntleiocn ! — If 
rogues uf this stamp i^et unce a fouling in Uicmt 
asaeaiblics, adieu lo all monit honesty- I ihink 
an extiiupic should be mailc of him — Hut, were 
I lo adMM.-, he is a properer subject for the rab- 
ble to handle than liic present rumpany. 

AIL Awar with liim ! 

Ph{^ Ua'aib «S If I must suffer, it shall 

not be sinj^ly. Here is the iibsecnioas Mr Brush, 
and the very courtly Mr Canto, shall be tlR purt- 
ners of my distress. Kdow, then, we are all 
n^u<-«, if the taking advantage of the abturdilie» 
aud fiillics of tuaukind can be called rueuerj. 
I own 1 hare been a cheat, aud I glory in ic. 
Hut what pumt wdl you virtauti, you conirai*- 
ii-un, gain by the deteetiun i \MH uoi die pul^ 
lialiin^ ofuur criiDCS trumpet forth your fully f 

Lord Diipr. Malrhk'» impudence \ 

Pulf. My tuibtc lord bene, the diiletancu the 
L'uricii, the precieu of tliia nalioii ! wliat infinite 
clury will bf &r(|ulre from this story, tluii the 
Leo, th4- Maxenas, the Poironius, notwitltstaitd- 
iug his f xquisile lasite, hii^i lie«>n drawn in lu pur- 
ch3-M>, at au iimucuse expcocc, a cart-luad of — 
rubbish ! 

Lord Dupe. Gentlemen and ladte« — 1 have 
the honour tu take my leave. 

Puff'. Your lordship's most obcdicot^Wtien 
shall 1 send you your Corrcpo, your St Anthutiy 
of Pndua, your Ram Cat, my sixid lord f 

IjordDupe. Uascfll ! f£ri< Lobd Dl-ps. 

Nuv. This won't do, sir — I'tiou^ my lurd has 
nut spirit t-iiuugh, diuiin ine if I rjuit yini ! 

PufJ. Wlmt, my apriahtly squire ! Pray fnvour 
me with a siifht of vour Oriuna — It has the re* 
lish: an iiidispuuihlc untK|uc ; lictag a Bristol 
t'urthiuf;, coined by n soap-lMiilor to pay hi»_)iiur- 
iiL'vmen in the scarcity of cash, and purchued 
for tH-o|)etico of a travelling tiukcr by, >ir, your 
humble :>erv'ant, Timothy \'a&. lla, ha, ba ! 

Utrv. .Mjr Oriuna a Bristol farthing! 

Puiy. Most assuredly. 

Nov- I'll be reveufied. [Gtv^r- 

PuXf. Stay, stay, and lake your bim, my »»e*t 
squire; your Serapis- Two bends they say, are 
better tbnii one ; hiy them toKctlier. But die 
locks ! buw gracefully they fall all aduwo ! w 
decent, and so— ba, ha, Ita! 

A'lir. Cotifouml you ! 

Ptt(f. Why. sir, if it had ■ nose. T wonlri aot 
jtive siipence for it — Pray, how many years b»» 
forp ilic creation uaa it fabricated, wiuire? 

Nov. I shall live to see yua bungetl, you Atif. ! 

Pvlf. Nay, but, sqwire; ha, ha, ha.' Now. 

madimi, lo vour UHysliip I t^me; to whose di»- 
cernmtiit, aided by the sagacity a£ yoursMlCV 
leb, 1 owe mv discoverv, 

Atd. Look vnu, don't tlunk to abuse my hdy. 
I am one of thi' 

Ptijy. Quorum — I know it, Mr Atdcntuui; bat 
I mean to serve your wor^iip, hy buaifab^ • 
httle the vanity of yotir wife. 

Ijadg Pent. Come alone, chuck. Ill noc st^ 
toliear ihe rascaliiy of tlw fellow. 

Pt'Xf- Oh, my I.Lily IVutwea/cl, rorreci tli^ 
seventy uf thai frown, lest you sltuiitd Im^ 
more uf the Medusa than iIki Medicis in yooC 

I«dy Pent. Saucy jackaoapea ! 




' Pmff. What, tbea ? I have quite lost my dtr 
acquaiDtaoce } whv, Tve promised all m; frieDcfs 
tickets for 1117 lord nuyor^s ball through jour 
ladnhip'i interest 

Lmdm Pent. My interest, indeed, for sudi a — 
Pi^". If Mowbladder-street has any charms- 
Sir — Madam — not a step — The finest g;eDtteman ! 
ha, ha, ba !_^Aud wMt caq jqu say for youi^ 
■elf, yoD cowardly, ilMooking rascal? [ToCar- 
MiBE.] Desert your friend at the first pinch— 

rmr uIt— your partner ! No apology, sir — 
ban dooe with yoa. From porer^ and ihame 

T took yon, to that I restore you. Your crima 
he your punishment [Turning to the audienee,'\ 
Could I be as secure from the censure of this 
assembly, as T am safe from the resenonent of 
Dupe, Norice, Squander, from the allurii^ baits 
of my amorous dty lady, and the dangerous comr 
bination of my fala^ friend, I should be happy. 

Tis from yoor sentence I expect my fate; 
Your vmce alone my tiiumidi can complete. 

[Eremtt cmna: 








BvcK, the Englishman in Parit, 
Sib Jobn Bucb, h'u father. 
Subtle, an EnglUhman, tettled in Paris, living 
by the fatties t^hU countryaun. 

Classic, tutor to Buck. 


Mbs Scbtle, m/e to Sobtle, 

LcciMDA^ her ward. 


Enter Mb Subtle and Classic. 

Mr Sub, Well, well, that may be ; bat still 
I say, that a FrenchmaD 

Clast. Is a fop ; it is their national disease ; 
not oDe of the <}uaUt>es for whit^ you cetebrate 
them, but owes its origin to a foible ; th^r taste 
is trifling, their gaiety grimace, and their polite- 
ness pride. 

Mr Sub. Hey-day! Why, what the deuce 
faring you to Paris then ? 

Ciau. A debt to friendship; not but I think 
a fthurt residence here a very necessary part in 
every man of fashion's education. 

Mr Sub. Where's the use? 

Ctau. In giving theiu a true relish for their 
own domestic happiness; a proper veneration 
for their national bbertles ; a contempt for adula- 
tion ; and an honour for the eitenJed generous 
commerce of their counvry. 

Mr Sub. Why, there, indeed, you have the 

preference, Mr Classic : the traders here are • 
»iarp-set, cozening people ; foreigners are their 
food ; civilities with a — ay, ay ! a co^ee for* 
crown, and a sbrus for a shilling ; dcvihsh 6tu, 
Mr Classic, dcvilisn dear ! 

Clast, To avoid their exactiooi, we m, Hr 
Subtle, recommended to your prauction. 

Mr Sub. Ay, and wisely they <hd who lec o *- 
mended you -. Buy nothii^ but oa mine or mj 
lady's recommeoflation, and you are safe. Bitf 
where was your charge i Where was Blr Bwi 
last night f My lady made a par^f at cards oa 
purpose for him, and my ward Lucindalsmiglilily 
taken with him ; she longs to see hitn again. 

Clou. T am afraid with the same set us fadMT 
sent him hither to avoid ; but we must cnden* 
vour to inspire him with a taste for the gpUkotrwl 
of this court, and his passion for the lamtir amais* 
ments of ours will diminish of course. 

Mr Sub. All the fmtemity of mco-makenaie 

I for that purpose withcmt; taylors, pemM|uief% 
hatters, hosiers is not that Mr Ba^'s Enf 
lish servant ? 





Eater Rogf.r, 

Oh f ay, hunen Roger. So, tltc old 
Bcferi whiu umc did your mftftier come 

Rog. Between fiv* anri *ix, nummctletl tn n 
jellv": here hk» heen two of hi» old conicidM fi>l- 
lAwnl an aliTiuly; I count we ihatl ha' ihft whoK- 
pati in a se'^tt-niirlii. 

C/of. Comndcs? ^Uni 

Bog. Dick l>ayliE;lir, and Boh BrfadliaJtct, 
Ac bruiser*; ihfy nil wnu tn the show tojcilior, 
where ihfv lisd the- detil to pa; ; Iwlikr rlicv liiid 
been sent to Hndewcll, hadn't n greul genilcmnu 
in a blae stnng come by nn<l rclcawd them. — 1 
hemrnuLMer'&bctl; do. \in»tcrniiwtc,8trpnp»mJ 
talk to tin ; he's oow sober, and tony hcaikcn to 

C/ai. I attend him. Mr Subtle, yan won'r 
be out of the wBv? [Exit. 

Mr Smb. I «hull talk n little with the tnules- 
mm. A smokv fellow ihii Classic ; but if l.u- 
cindm. pbvs her canis well, wc Niivc not much to 
ft&r fioiii (hut qiinrtrr r c<»nrtiidictioii seems lo 
bf the life find soul of TtmiijI Buck. — A tolcnblc 
cipedient thi.«, ifit ^ucceed^. Fleece the voun- 
ker! — P»hnl timt'ft a thin;; of omr^*! ! — but bj 
Im inearev to eet rid of Lucinda, mid aecureljr 
^^Boi?k«t l»cr pntrimottj ; ay ! thnt indeed 

^Hh Enter Mrs Subtle. 

Ob! wife! Have iron opened the plot? Does the 
pri come into it greedily, hey ? 

Mrs Stttt. A little M|ueaniish at first ; but I 
hmm opened her eyey. Never fenr, niy dpar; 
•ooocr or Ulcr, wutneii will ultond to tht-ir inCr» 


Mr Snb. Their interctH nr, thnt'stnio; but 
GOttBdcr, my dear, how dtHjiEy uur r>wn interest 
il concrmed, and let that f|iiiclicn your 7eal. 

Mn Suh. D'ye think I am blind ^ tint the i^rl 
llM )C'*t iudt whimtieal notions of honour, hiiiI i>i 
withal M ciccent and modest — 1 wonder where 
the dcocc ahe got it ; [ nm sure il was not in mv 

Mr SmA. IIow does she like Buck's pcnon ? 

Jfrf Sab. Well enoach. But prilbrc, husband, 
lc*re her to my manaf^'Oicnt, and coivsidrr wc 
' tan more irons in th*.- fire than one. Here i^ tlic 
Marqnts tie Solcil to meet mn^iamc de FnrJc li>- 
■l^b^— And where to put tlx-in, unlcM wc cnn 
!■■« Bock's apaitmcfit — Oh! by the by, hut 
cnwBt Cos lent tou your ^re out of Mr Punt- 
■dPl Imap fr-'thunday } 

Jfr 5bfc I intend calling on hira tliis mom- 

Mri Smb. Don't fail; he's a slippery chap, you 


Mr Sub. There's no fear. Well, but otir pretty 
M MyuB Mn lays aboat her laadsouicly, na ! — 
ll^urta t^ huodreds ! huoi ! 

Mr* Sub. Ay ! that's a noble prize, if we cotild 

Vol. in. 

but matiaKu her; but she's so indiscreet, that 
she'll he blown bel'ure ne have made lialf ouf 
market. I am thi« moruinii; to give iiudicnce,. 
on her score, to two counts and n foreign miuK 

Mr Sub. Then strike whilst live iron's hot ! 
but they'll be here before I cnn talk to my people; 
send them in, pntfaee. {Erit MkA Subtle. 

Enter Traitcsmeit. 
So, gentlemen. Oh ! hush ! wc are internipte^l: 
If tlicy ask for your bills, jou luvc \c(i thciu at 

Enter BtrcK, Ci.&ssrc, antt Rockr. 

Bttck. Ecod, I don't ktiow Imw it tended, but 
I remember how it begun. Oh ! Mnwcr .Subtle, 
ttow du'st, ifld buck, lit^y? Give's lliv pnw * And 
little Lucv, how fares it witJi siiij? fintu ! 

Mr Sub. Wlint has liceii ihe mutter, squire? 
Your face seems n little in deshabille. 

Buck. A touch of the t)mc», old boy* a smntl 
vkirmi^ ; af^er I was down, thuiit;h ! a sot of cnw- 

ardly sons of ! tlierc's <j(!Wge mid I will 

liox any five for iheir sura. 

il/r Suk But how hsppened il? Tlio French 
are gcncmllr civil to siranscr*. 

BucM. oil ! damned civil ! to fall seien or 
eif[ht upon three : Seven or eight ! Ecod, wc had 
the whole upon us at lu&L 
Mr Sub. But what bad you done .* 
Buck, Done ! nhv, nothing M nil. Bnt, 
wounds * how the powder llew about, nnd the 
monsieurs sronrt-d ! 

Afp Sub. But what offence had cither they or 
you committed t 

Buck. Why, I was tcllinp Dominc. Last nighr, 
l>ick Daylight, B/jh Bread haskt-i, and I, wcrff 
wnlkin}: throuirh one of llunr ruos I thiiiL tbev 
call them here, thev nre streets in [/tndou ; but 
theyhai'e such devifiili out-of-llH-wny mimes for 
things, tliit there is no reiiiemberiiti; theui; io 
we see crowds of people ^ing into a house, nnJ 
comedy pasted over the door: in we troo|K:d 
with the rest, paid our ca»h, and vtt down on the 
stage. Presently they had a dioce; nnd one of 
tlie youhw womeo, with loiig hair tmiling; behinil 
her, stood with her back to a r<ul, ju«t by me : 
Ecod, what does me I for nothing in the world 
but a joke, OS I hope for mercy, hut ties hrr 
locks to the rails ; nu, when 'twas her turn to 
figure out, souse she flapped on licr back ; 'iwa* 
iie%-ilish comical ; but lliev -M-t up such nn uproar — 
One wlwy-fnced son o( a bitch, iluit came to 
loose the woman, turned up hi* no«?, and railed 
mc bete : Kcod, J lent htm n lick in hi« lanthum 
jaws, that will mnke him remember the spiwn of 
old MarlhoroTi^h, I warrant him. Anotlier came 
up to second him; but I let drive at the mark, 
made die soup-ma^rc rumble in his bread-bas- 
ket, and laid nim sprawling! 11 ten in pnurrd a 
tuitlion of tlicm ; I was knocked down in a trice ; 





and whnt iiappcncd after, I know do more than 
you. But Where's Luc; i I'll go see her. 

Clas. Oh Be ! ladies are treated here with a 
little more ceremony : Mr Subtle, too, lias coU 
lected thf SB people, who are to equip you for Uw 
conTCrmtioD of the ladies. 

Buck. Wounds ! all these i What, Mr Subtle, 
these are moosieurs too, I suppose ? 

Mr Sub. No, squire, they are Englishmen : 
ftishion has ordaiiira, that, as you employ none 
but foreigners at home, you must take up with 
your own couatrymen here. 

Clai. It is not in this instance alone we arc 
particulur, Mr Subtle; I have observed many of 
our pretty gentlemen, who condescend to use en- 
tirely their native language liere, spuuer nothing 
but bad French in the side-boxes at home. 

Buck. Look you, sir; ns to you, and your wife, 
and Miss Lucy, I like you all weli enough ; but 
the devil a good thing else have I seen siuce I 
lost sight of Dover. The men are all puppies, 
iniuciiig and dancing, aad chattering and grin- 
niii|; : the women are a parcel of painted dolts ; 
their food's 6t for hogs ; and as for their language, 
let them Icnm it that like it, I'll oune on't ; no, 
nor their frippery neither: So here you may all 
march to the place fnim whence you — liork'e ! 
What, are you an Englishman ? 

Bftrb. Yei, sir. 

Buck. Domine ! look Itere, what a monster the 
miinlLcy has made of himself? — Sirrah, if your 
■iiring was long enough, I'd do your business my- 
«elf, you dog, to siiik a bold Briton into such a 
sneaking, snivelling — the rascal looks as he had 
not hod a piece of beef and pudding in his paunch 
iliese twenty yean. I'll be hanged if the rc^ue 
han't been fed on frogs ever since iie came over ! 
Awav with your trumpery ! 

Cla$. Mr Buck, a compliance with the customs 
of the country in which we live, where neither 
our religion nor our morals are concerned, is a 
duty we owe ourselves- 

Mr Sub. Besides, squire, Luanda expects that 
you ^hould usher her to public places ; which it 
would he impossible to do in that dress. 

Buck. Why not ? 

Mr Sub. You'd be mobbed. 

Buck. Alobbed ! I should be glad to sec that — 
No, no ! they han't spirit enough to mob here ; 
but come, since tliesc fellows here are English, 
aud it is the fashion, try on yonr fooleries. 

Mr Sub. Mr Dauphinc, come, produce — Upon 
my iTord, in an elegant taste, sir— This gentle- 
man has had tliu honour to 

Danph. To work for all the beaux esprita of 
the court. Afy g;ood fortune commenced by a 
small alteration in a cut of the comer of the 
•ileeve for count Crib; but the addition of a ninth 
(ilait in the skirt of Marshal Tunene, was ap- 
plauded by madam la duchess Rambouillct, and 
totally established the reputation of your bumble 

Buck. lintd your jaw, and dispatch. 
Mr Sub. A word with you — I don't Uiiak it 
impossible to get you acquainted with n*da«i de 

Buck. Au't she a papist i 
Mr Sub. Undoubtedly. 
Buck. Then V\l ha' nothing to say to her. 
Mr Sub. Oh fy \ who minos the rel^on of a 
pretty wuroan i Besides, all this conntiy are of 
the !tame. 

Buck. For ^lat reason I don't care how sooa 
I get out of it : Come, let's get rid ef you ai soon 
as wc can. A nd what are you, bey 1 

Bar. Je luit peruquieTf Mouiimr. 

Buck. Speak English, you son of a whore ! 

Bar. I am a perriwtg-maker, sir. 

Buck. Tlicn why could not you say to at lint i 
What, are you ashamed of your moCher-toagQe i 
1 knew tliis fellow was a puppy, by his |Hf-lail. 
Come, let's see your handy-work. 

Bar. As I found you were in a harnr, I bare 
brought you, sir, something that will do for the 
pi-cscnt: But a peruque is a diSerent ouvrtge, 
another sort of n thing here from what it is n 
AiigUterre ; we must consult tho colour of tbe 
coiiipleiion, and the tour de vaagCy the fonn of 
the face ; fur which end it will bt neocasaiy to 
rf^rd your countemmce in diSereot li^U* : A 
little to the r^ht, if you ploase^ 

Buck. Why, you dog, d'ye think lH submit to 
be czercisf-d hy you ? 

Bar. Oh mon'Dieu ! Moaaieur, if ywt fkc't, 
it will be impossible to make your w^ camimk 'd 

Buck. Sirrah, speak another FreB<^ word, and 
rtl kick you down stairs. 

Bar. Gad's curse ! Would you resemble some 
of your countrymen, who, at the first impoita- 
tton, with nine hairs of a side to a brawny pair 
of checks, look like a Saracen's head ! Or ehc 
their watcr^ruel jaws, sunk in a lliicket ef carls, 
appear for all the world like a lark ia a soop- 
disli ! 

Mr Sub. Come, squire, submit; tia bat fot 

Back, Well, but what must I do? 

[Placet him im a riatr. 

Bar. To the right, sir — now to tbe left— 

now your full mid now, ur, 111 do your bwi- 


Mr Sub. Look at yourself a little; tee wbata 
revolution this has occasioned ia yoor whole 

Buck. Yes, a bloody pretty figure indeed ! Bat 
'tis a figure I am damnably ashamed of: Iwoold 
not be seen by Jack Wildfire or Didt Riot fbr 
fifty pounds in this trim, fur all that. 

Mr Sub. Upon my honour, dress greatly iffl* 
proves you ! Your opinion, Mr Classic i 

Ctat. They do mighty well, sir ; and in a littk 
time Mr Buck will be easy in them. 

Buck. Shall I ? I am glad ou'i, for I am dan- 





BAbly uneuy st present, Mr Subtle. Wtiat must 
1 do now t 

Mr Suh. Now, MT, if youll call upon tnjr wife, 
vQu'U find LucinttH witlt her, ■ml Til v«aii «n you 

fim-Ar. Cotnc nlon;. Dominc ! But hnrkcc, Mr 
Subtle, I'll not of my InittiiiieU Mlibii I hunt witli 

JIfr Sub. Well, will. 

Buck, ri) Oil with my jtrmiuicM ; none of _v«iir 
black tHu^ and JAck'boot^ lor mc. 

Mr Sub. No, no, 

BiKk, I'll bliiiw iImoi the odd« on\ oldSilver- 
uil! J will. Hcy^ 

Mr Snb. Ay, ay. 

Htick. llcdi^, itake, or sitle, over w« pt ! 

Mr Sub. Ay; bill Mr CInssic -^M. 

Burk. But A'ye ttiinic tlwyll follow f 

Air Suh. Oh no! ImpfHKtblc ! 

Buck. Did I icll you what a chnw she carried 
■■lust Christmas eve? Vie unkciiiicik-il iil 

Jfr Svh. I nin liu^v now ; ul tiny ntliiT tinic. 

Surk. You'll follow us. 1 liuvc wat for my 
fcoaml^ and honr*. 

Afr Sub. Have yon f 

Mmck, Tbcy liliaU innkc the tour of Eorope 
villi nie : and thru tlif n-'n T»in Atkins the liunt^ 
wmn, the loo wliippcrs'in, nnd liitle Jory tlie 
(VOOm, comes will) them. Oamnir, ivlml a 
timt^ place thcyll think tlii« ! liut no [u»ttcr 
lor that; then we «hnll be compony t-ixiueb of 
gnHt^it. Rut yoo'll follow lu 111? \K-rH. 

:Jfr Sub, lu ten miiititc-s — an iinpertiiiciit^ack- 
anapck! Hut I ahnll soon Im' doiut wjth liiui.— 
Sn, eenllcmen ; well, you -kx; we linve » cikkI 
MttU«Ct Iti tfoHc tipoit. Ilnrkc-e, Daupliiiic, I 
maat hare more thou twenty jtor cent out ot' lliat 

DmtpM. Vuon mi soul, MrSubtlfr, I cnn*( ! 

Mr Su*. Why, 1 have olwoy* thai u\fjti new. 

JMtmpk. New, Nr ! why, as I hope to be 

Mr Sitb. Come, don't lie; ilontdoinn your- 
self, Dnuphiot ; don't he ■ m^ne ; did not I lee 
at Madam Fripun's tluit W:ii«lcoat luid nlirrcs 
upon Cohioel L'ramUi? 

DmMpA. A> to the waistcoat nnd sleeve^i, I 
OHO ; but for the body and lining — mav I never 

Mr Stib. Coinc, don't be a irouadrel ; five- 
■Dd thirlT, or I've done. 

Dmmpk, Well, if 1 must, I mint. 

{Ent l>ArpH, 

Mr Sitt, I must keep t\*f^ fellgws under, or 
[ I rfiall hawe n Bne time oq'c ; they know diey 

i% do witJiout me. 

Enter Mes SVBTtB. 

Mn Suit. The Cnlui^ letier«. mv dear. 

MrSut. [R«arf<.]— Ah* ah! Calms— the Do- 
I 9m fwoket urrived U^t mf;bt, louiliiiu n^ fnUows : 
[SfSttilon^ ditto barbers; fJve tuillinirs, hound 

to Paris to stody fa»hions; four citiTenx comr to 
settle here for n month, by wny *>( s(.ciii« the 
country ; ditto, tlieir wives; ten French vnlets, 
vriili nine cooks, all frum Ncwgnip, Kliere ihcy 
h:id Ikou sent for nibbing ihcir moaters; nine d- 
^ure duncers, exported in Scptetnhcr, nimed nnd 
lean, imported ntll cliiil, :in(l in i^ood ciisr ; 
twelve doi!s ditto bitches, with two monkeys 
aud a litter nC puppici, from Mnilirr Midninht's. 
in the llnv-murket : a pcecions cnrco ! FmI~ 
cript. Otic of tlic roaster* i» just put in, with 
his RHicc the duke of — ■■ , my lord, nnd hu 

ciNl i;i-nilcmati wlii'«c iiaiiie I can't knrn ! — 
Gadso ! Well, ttiy dmr, I must run, and try to 
•ieeurc tlicsc cuslorotrs; Uterc's wt time to he 
lOflt. \Kxit. 


Mrt Snh, Sn, Mr Classic ; wlut, have you left 
the yonnt! ample logoflicr ? 

C/ai. Tliey wniu your ladys!iip'» presence, ma- 
dam, for B siinri tonr lo the IhulIIeriej. I have 
rect-ivcd some tcltcrs, wliicli I lauit answer iin- 

HfftSub. Oh! well, well; no cereinonv; wa 
arc all of a family, you know. S^natit ! [ F.rU, 

Efttfr RootR. 

Ctat. Ro^r ! 

Hi>^. Anon ! 

Claf. 1 have just received a letter from Tonr 
oW inaste-T ; lie was landed at, and will hi- 
this evening at Paris. It is absolutely necessary 
tliat this cir*:um*fnncr should be ronccsled fnmi 
hi* ion; for which piirpow;. \ou must nnit nt 
tin; Piccardy i^atc, and delivcf a letter, I shall 
give you, into Im imn hand. 

Rog. I'llwurrani j-ou. 

etas. But, Iloger. I* serrrrt. 

Uog. O l«d ! never vou fiar. [ Erit. 

C/iu. So, Mr Scdrtlc. I se*- voiir aini. A 
pn-ity lud^ng we Ikivc bit npon; th^ misire^s a 

commode, and tl*c ma*trr a Hut «hu can 

this word be? Possibly th*- ne^lfxted puuk of 
■onic rtntou* tnnn of quality. '\'n Inrky Mr 
Uuck'fl fallicr is arrive*), or my nuthority would 
prove but nn insuthcient matrh for my popll'» 
olwtinacy. Tliis mad hoy ! How difhoilt^ lio<v 
disagreeable a task have [ undeitiiLrn ! Aud how 
general, yt't how rian^eroits, an rspfhincnl is it to 
expose our y«»ith, in tlie viry lire and furv of 
their blood, to all die follies and eiitruvui:aiir<' of 
this fantastic court ) Far diderrnt mjis the prn- 
deal pructJcc of our fDrtfnlbcrs : 

Thet scorned to truck, for base unmanlv :ifr% 
Tlieir iintive plainness, and their hnncst hearth; 
Whene'er they deigited tovisit haughty Fmnrr, 
Twas armed vi'.h betirdrd dure, ;iiid poinird 





No pofnjKlUk pHgC'uiits lured tbcir curiou* 

No cliMnns fur them had fops or AaUery ; 
Paris, tlicy knew, tlteir Mntaten waved a- 

llicrc Brilans saw m British Harry crowned. 

Fur ntber views attract our oioilcrn ocb, y 
I'ruUs, loupccs, tnnket&, faaga, brocade, aod f 

litcei i 

A flaunting funiit and a fictttioua lace. * 

Umum; ! Itea^uiiic ! Refuse & Gallic rci|;D ! 
Nur let ihcir aru niu that ibe*r ann& cmcld 

iKirr guin. [£nf. 

ACT a 

E»t€r Ma Classic and Hocer. 

Rog. Oi n ntaifiter's at u coffice-liouse next 
stre«;l. Mild will tarry lilt jrou send for 'iio. 

C/oi. iBjr-aiid-bv : in tiie dtuk, bring him up 
tbc bnck*siair«. Vou must be careful thai no- 
body leek Uiin. 

iiog. 1 wBrmnt yoii. 

Cta$, Lctsir Joliu kiiotv that 1 would watt rm 
him myaclf, bat 1 dun't think it safe to quit tUx 
httwrt' an in»tHitt. 

Rof!. Ay, ay. [Exit Uch-eju 

Cins, I Mippnte, hi this tiinca matters are pret- 
ty ndl settled »iunii, and my absence only 
MiUited to nccompli&h the ^ene; hut I shall take 

mre li^ Oh ! Mr Subtle and his lidy ! 


Enter Mr ontiMRS Svitle. 

Jlfrj Sub. Oh, delightfully ! Now, my dcarci.1, 
I hope Tou will nu longer dispute my abibtws for 
fonnini; n fonnlt-? 

Sir Sab. Never, never : How the bagg;^c 
kcred ! 

Mn Sub. And ilie booby gaped I 

Atr Sub. Su kind, atid yet so coy ; so free, but 
then fi re»cr\'cd : Oh* *ht has blra ! 

Mrt Sub. i\v, uy; the fuh is hooked: but 

ilirn &afcly to faod liiu*- 1* Clasiic iuspi- 

aaus ? 

Mr Sub. Not that I ob«er\*e ; hot the Kcrct 
inu«t $or)n be Mazed. 

Mri Sub. I'lieri'fnrc di>rpatcb : I have laid a 
trap toinilainc his aCfeciioa. 

hir .Sub. How? 

ilri Sub. Ho feball be treated with a display 
of JLucy'f talents; her singing and dancing. 

Mr'Stib. P^ha ! Uvr MUf^iug and dancing ! 

ifn Sub- Ah ! Vuu don't kitow, husband, half 
the furcc of tliese acoompljiJuncDt& in a lasliiou- 
nble ^KiirR. 

Ml Sub. I doubt her execution. 

Mri Sub. You bnve no reason; slie does both 
well cnuu|;I) to flutter a Ibok espodally with love 

: bet Kvcoiid : bcades X ba^eftcouii dc luaitrc, 
! rard. 
__ ■ StUi. Whut's that i 

Jfri Huh. A mai. 



Mr Sub. Who* 

iUii Sub. 11h! Iani;iuige master: lie mav be 
easily ecjiiipt for ihc expedition; a &ccoad-Eiatxl 
tawdry 5uit of rlimtbi will pns^ him on our min- 
Lryman fur a marquis ; ami then, to exew lus 
5|>cakin(: unr lau^n^o so well, he may have been 
educnied early ut FjOgland. tSut lunlt ! The 
Mature approaches ; don't seem to observe hmL 

Eater Bt;cK. 

For my part, I n^er saw aoy tfaiug so nltend 
aiiice J was born : In my conBcicncri 1 believe 
site's III love »ith liim. 

Buck. Iluttb ! 

A/r Sub. IVvr think so? 

Airs Sub. Why, wliert:'* the wonder? He's a 
prcUy, fiKMJ-huinnitred, nprigbtly fellow -. um), 
for the lime, such an iaipmvemeni ! UUy, he 
wcnn lu;» clothca as easily, and inov(< u ge»- 
(eelty, n» if ho bad been at Harts ibne twcn^ 

-Mr Sub, Indeed ! How does he dance? 

jifrc Sub. y\h\, he luu had but three Ic 
from MuTM-d, mid he movua already like ~ 
Oh! tliree months stay here will reodcr I 
perfect ni(»dcl for the ICii£li«h court ! 

Mr Sub. Gadsu 1 No wonder, then, witbtbcw 
qualities, that he had caught tlie bean ot my 
»nrd ; but we must take care tJint the gul d«as 
niithmc iiniirudcnL 

Mrs Sub. Oh, dismiu yoor fears ; ber fintd^ 
4oud H-tise, and, mtjre tlian all, Iterbeii^cda* 
caicd under my eye, render dicm unueensaiy; 
besides, Mr Buck is too much a man of ' 

[He iuterrvpti (AoM.] 


Buck. Damn me if 1 an'l ! 

JIfri Sub. Bless me, air I you lH<r« ? 1 did aat 
«-xpcc t ^ 

Buck. I be$ pardon : but all that I beard was, 
that Mr Buck wns a man of honour. 1 waaled 
10 have some chut nith vou, madam, in )>iivalc. 

Mr Sub. Tlicn I'll withdraw. You set: I du« 
trust you atone with my wife. 

Buck. So you may safely ; I have other game 
in new. Sonant, Mr Subtle. 

.ifri Sub. Now for a punliii^ xeoe : I \<wfi*» 
know how Ik-'II Uvin. — [Mide.}—^\\ tii^ U> 
Buck, your canunauiu with me, sir f 

Foot E.J 



Buck. Why, mwJtm— I, »h— I, ah— but let's 
shut the door : I was, madam — nti ! ah ! Can't 
you KUew what I wuat to talk about ? 

Jlfr-i Smh. Not 1, indeed, »ir. 

Buck. Well, but try ; upuo roy aoul, Til tell 
yoQ if you're n^bi. 

J/n SuA. It will be tfD|)OMible for me to di- 
vioF — But come, open a liule. 

Buck, Why, huvi you observed uothiDg ? 

AIrt Siih. About wbo? 

Buek. Whv, about me. 

Afrf Sah. Ve« ; yuu are Dew-fjrcsfted, and your 
rlucbe* beoome you. 

Buck. Pretty tvetl: but it an*t tbaL 

Mrt Hut. What is it? 

tturk. Why, ail! all! upon my Mul, I can't 
brine it out ! 

JUr$ Sub. Nay, tlicii, 'ti» lo do purpose to 
wait : write your mind. 

Buck, No, DO ; stop a momentf and I will 

3^&i^. Be expeditious, tlicn. 

>. Why, I waut«d to talk about Miss La- 

Sub, What of her? 

BMrt. She's a bloody fine dH ; and I fehonld 
beiclftd lo 

Alrt Sub. To— Bless me ! What, Mr Buck, 
•mI id my house i Oh, ^Ir Buck, you Imve dt^ 
oeived me ! Little did I UimL, tliat, under tbe 
^fanmee of »o much booctty, you could go 

Bmck. Upon my sonl, you're mistaken ! 

Jlfri Suh. A pour orphan too ! deprived, in 
her earliest infancy, of a father's prudence aad a 
molbcr's cure. 

B»tcJi. Whv, I tai you— 

UrMSMk S> sweet, so lovely an iuuoccncc ! 
ha lamd •» spoUcu as ber (lersoa ! 

Bmtk. UeHaT • 

MraSab. And me, sir; where had you your 
tfanaehtft of me t How dared you suppose tjoal I 
iHmld conniie ni such a 

Buck. The woman is bewitched. 

Mln S^ I ! whuse itntaitited reputation the 
bbunoc too^e of slander never blasted. Full 
liftecM yfian, in wedlock's sacred bands, have 1 
bvcd ooreproadied ; and now v> ■ 

Bmet. Odd's furt ! Site's iu heroics. 

Mn Sub. Ami this from you too, whose fair 
ooUtdo aiwl bewitching Uinguc tiad so far lulled 
■ly fears, I dared liovc trusted all my daughteris 
■^f, mnelf too, singly, with you. 

BmoL Upon ny aoul, and so vou mi^ht safely. 

Mr* Smh. Well, sir, ajid wijut have yuu lf> 
■r|ge in your defence i 

Bmtk. Oh, oh 1 What, are ynu )pit pretty well 
WtW rod uf yoor Uoc. arc you? And itow, if 
yMll be quiet a bit, we may make a shift tu un- 
dcnttuid uoe anotlH?r a littlir. 

Mn Suh. lie 'fuick, and^ense me of my fears. 

AkA. EnMyouofyour'feart! I don't know 

bow the devil you (tot thrau All that I wanted 
tu say was, iluit Miss Lucy was a fine weccfa; 
and if she was as wdlini; as me- 

jlfrs Hut. Willing ! Sir ! What demon 

Buck. If yuu are in yoar airs again, 1 may aa 
well decamp. 

Mn Suh, I ani calm; go on. 

Buck. Why. tliat it' »bc liked me as well as I 
liked her, we iniiiht, pcrhape, if you liked it too^ 
be married together. 

Mrt Suh. Oh, sir! if that was.indeeil yo«f 
drift, I am satisfied. But don't indulge your 
wiiih t4)u much ; Uiftc are uuuieroiis obstacles ; 
your tatlier's cuasout, the law of the lan d - - ■ ■ 

Buck, What laws? 

Mn Sui. AU dandcstiiie marriagut are void 
in this country. 

Buck. Damn this country !— la London immt, a 
footman may drive to ftlay-fair, and iu five 
mmutes be tadted to a countess; but tlterc'e no 
liberty here. 

Mn Sub. Some inconsiderate couples have in- 
deed gone oS post tu Prutestant Mates; but I 
hope my ward will have mure prudence. 

Buck. Well, well, leave tlrni tu mc. D'ye 
think she likes me? 

Mrt Sub. Why, to deal candidly with you, 
she docs. 

Buck. Does slic, by 

Mn Sub. Calm vour transpofts. 

buck. Well ! but how } She did not, did she? 
Hey t Come iiuw, tell— — 

Jifrs Sub. 1 hi:ar her coming ; this is her hour 
fur music and duii<:iu^. 

Buck. C'ould 1 not have a peep? 

A/r> Sub. VVithdraw u> this comer. 

Enter Luci!to*, asiVA Gamut. 

Imc. The news, the news Monsieur Oamut ; 
[ die, if 1 have not the Arst intcltiEcncc ! Wbnt*« 
doiui; nt Versailles } Wheu cues (he court to 
Marli ? Doca fUuueau write the next opera? 
What my tlw critics oi Voliuire's Duke dc r'oix ? 
— Answer mu all in n breath. 

Buck. A bruvo-t^iintcd prl ! She'll tid;c a 
fife-bniTcd pate %a it fortnight. 

Gt*m. The runtoraation of the court your 
ladyship has engrossed, ever since you laitt non- 
ourod it with your n)ipearui»cc. 

Luc. Uh, you fliiujrer! hare I ? Well, and 
vvtiat fresh victims? Hut 'tis iiuptnoihle; ilio»un> 
shiueufa nuiljicru Ih-uuIv is uh} feeble lu thaw 
the icy licart nf ^ Krcnch cuurtier. 

Oam. ^Vluit iiijubticc tu yuur own charms aod 
our disrernracnt * 

Luc. Indeed ' nny, 1 care not—if I have fire 
cnuugh to wprni iine British b^isum, nde ! rule ! 
ye I'uris belles ! 1 tnvy not your conquests, 

Mn Suh. Meaning you. 

bai k. Indeed ! 

Mn Sub, CcftaiB ! 




Byck. Huoh! 

Ltic. Dui come, a truce to gallantry, Gnmut, 
and to the busin*?? of tite H«y. Oh ! I nni rjuitt 
ciiclmntnd witli tlii5 new invtrumcnl ; 'lis m Init- 
yuiithtu^ aud so pjrtubic, und m suft Hiid »u silly 
— Bui Come ! forfour U»t Iwwm. 

Gum. D'ye likp the words f 

Luc. Oh, chnrmiiifr 1 They are bd melting, 
and eik^y. und rle^nt. Notv tor n coup' tfrnai. 

dam. Take '-are of your exprejsion ; let your 
•yes and address nccompuny tnc sound and sen* 

Smc. But, dear Gamut^ if I am out, don't in* 
terrupt me: correct mo afterwards. 

Cum. Aflmif, commcnrrz, [Luctkoa ainfi, 
[^An ocftiiiontil »ong u here introductd bj/ 


Gam. Bravo, brain 1 

}iwk. Bmvo ! braviiiiitno ! My lailvi what was 
the song about? [Auite to Mrs SuniLi:. 

Alrt Sub. 1/ive : 'ti* htr own coinpc>«intt. 

Hucti. Wlint, does »hc inake ver^H then ? 

Mrs Sub. Finoly. I take jou to be the sub- 
ject of lhe«o. 

Buck. Ah! d'ye think so? Cad! T tbnight 
bv her r^lin^, 'twns the miisir-man himself. 

IfUr. Well, Mr (jnmut; tolrrahly well, for so 
younp a scholar f 

Gam. Inimitably, Mndnm ! Your ladyship'fi 
progress will undoubtedly lix my forlnnc. 

Enter Servaut. 

Luc. Your <(crrant, sir. 

Ser. Mudam, your daacii^-master» Monsieur 

Ltic. Admit htm. 

Enter KiTTtAii . 

Monsieur Kittenu, I can't po«AibIy take n letson 

this morning, I nm «o bu^v ; but if you pleace, 

I'll just bubble over a iniiuiet, bv "ay nl' excrciw. 

[A minuet here introduced. 

Enter Servant. 

Ser. Monsieur le Man^uis de 

Luc. Admit him this mslnnt. 

Afn Suh. A loror of Lucmdii ! a Frcndimon 
of fashion, artd ^'ast fortune. 

Buck. Never heed ; I'U Mon do lib busiacH, 
I'U warrant you. 

Enter Marquu. 

Xnr. My dear Marquis ! 
Afar, ilia rAere adorable .'- 
sinre I un vou. 

-Ti« au age 

Imc. Uh ! an eternity I But 'tit your own 
fault, ihoacli. 

3f«r. M) misfortune, tua prineate f But now 
I'll redct tn my error, and root for ever here. 

Buck. I fihall make ■ shif^ to transplant yw. 
I believe. 

Luc. You can't conceive hf<w your absence 
has dislttrsAcd me. Demand of the^ gentlemen 
the melancholy mood of my mmd. 

Mar. But now that Vm arrired, we'll danre 

and fttng, and drive cnuro to the Ha ! 

MoDMeur Kitteau '. liaveyou practiwd thti moni- 
nini; * 

Luc. 1 had just ^vcn my hand to Kitteau be* 
before you canoe. 

ASar. 1 waft in hopes that honour would Itnte 
bccti reson ed for me. Mnv 1 flatter my&clf that 
yonr ladyship will do me the honour of vetito- 
rioi^ upon thu fatigue of aiuilhcr ininutt llt>* 
mornt'tig with me? 

Enter Buck hriikfy. Takt* tier kond. 

Bm-k. Not that vou know of. Monsieur. 

Mar. Hey ! Ditihlr ! Qurtle bcfc ' 

Uuck. ]larl,.'rT M(JD»eur Itaeotit, if you re- 
peat that word bete, 1 »hall mnke you wallow 
ir iij^Hin, n't 1 (lid la«t nij^ht one of your country 

Afar. Q»ef tavvge .' 

Buck. And annUier word; as I know von raa 
speak very iiomi Knjfhsh, if you will, wlien yuii 
don't, I simll lake it for ftranted you're obu*inj: 
me, and iront you accordingly. 

Mtr. CntulMT ent'UKlt ! But you are protect- 
ed hero. MuHcmniv-lle, who i* this offictovs 
eepilcmHTi f How comes he to b« intercsti 
Some rclnlion, I suppose f 

liMik. No; I'm a luvvr. 

Jtfar. Oh ! Oh ! n rival ! Eh marNn, f ■ 
dnnfiernu!! one too. Iln. ha ! Well, MonNfur. 
wimr, and I snppo«e you presume to ^ve laws 
to ihi- lady; aim are delrmiined, out of ^oor 
rer}' Rrcsil and eini-uiar affeclion, to knock Jnwa 
every mortal she likes, €fl9-mode cf An^leterrtf 
llev. Monsieur Hijnvt-heef? 

huch. Nrj; but 1 intntd that lady for ray 
wife : couMdrr her n« such ; and don't choow to 
have Jif-r soiled tiy the imperiincnl addresses of 
every I'rviich fop, o-io-modc dc i'ans^ Monsieat 
Fricassy ! 

M»r. Fricauy ! 

Buck. We. 

/.tir. A truce, a tmce, I bewech yoo, scniie- 
meii : it seems 1 am the goKU-n prize for whick 
you ptend ; produce vour pretentions ; you are 
the repTcwniatiies nf' your respective countries 
Be^n, inanjuis for tlic honour of France; let 
me hear whut adrnntages I am to derire froB a 
cnningnl union with you. 

Mar. Ahsirartcd from tlio«« which T ihrnl 
are pretty visible, a perpetual re^idcaee in this 
paradise of pleasures; to l>e the nbject of wb- 
vcrsal adoration; to say what you please, p 
where you will, do what vou hke, form fa&hionf ; 
hate your hutband, and W biiD see it ; bHla)(C 




your gidlaoc, uod let the other kaow tt ; run ia 
debt, and obli|e the poor devil in puy JL lie ! 
Ma chere ! There ore pleuurf» fur you. 

Liu-. BmTO) nutn(Ui^ ! lhe» nre allurctnmt» 
for B iranuin of spirit : but dun'l let u» coi>clii<Je 
butiU : bear ihe crthtrr side. VVltat have ^u to 
odrr, Mr Buck, iu tVour ofEiiKlaod? 

Btttk. Why, iniuluiti, fur a woinnn fif spirit, 
Uhv give you tlie Mine advaotuge^ ni London lui 
at rvis, wiih a pnvi|ef;e ffin-ot by the marquis, 
aa iDdi^miaUle right tu dieat iii curd«, in 3|)itL' 

Alar. Parilnii me, sir, wc have (he wiiiic ; but 
Ithuu^hL tluH uri\i(t-ge to knuwn and iiiiivervil, 
ttal'twu needicM tu toentiou it. 
^BSMrft. You pro iipuothinz, 1 ihtd: but lo tell 
ywi my Wuut ihoughii in a word, it' any woman 
can be M abaodoi^d, ns lo rutik auiuii^t tiK' 
comforts of mmriiuony, the privilege ot' kilirtj; 
her husband, and the hhcrly of coiuuiittini; every 
folly and erery vice cooiained in your ottHlo^-nr, 
>hc oiay fttay mh^Ic f»r me ; for, damn mc, it' 1 
ain a tiusboiid lit fur her humour I tliat'k all. 

Mtr. 1 tuld you, uiutleiiioiM.-tle I 

Imc, But slay; wluit have you to oBer as a 
(murtcrbalnnrc fur tlvcsc pienHurea? 

Biuk. Why, I luvc, luadam, courage to pro- 
tect you* gDod-iiaturt* tu indulge your love, and 
laralth enough to make gallants useleaa, and tuu 
gOiid a fortune lo vender running in debt nece»- 
■uy. Fiad that here, if you can. 
^ ibr. Bmtellc ! 

H X«c- SpoEe with tlie Miiccnty of a Briton ; 
Krt^aa I dou't perrciit; iluit I shiill hm-c any u»c 
^HH|ilie fashionaUti liU^rtics yuu pmponc, you'll 
^"^oErioD, lunrquis. lUT lutioual prejudice; here's tny 
iMad, Mr Uua. 

Suetu Servunt, raontieur. 

iiur. Serviicur. 

B»eM. Nw offence? 

iimr. Ni>t in the IcnM; I am only afnvid the 
reputation of that lady's taste will ^ulfcr a littlf; 
mad to ^tu!9f lier at utice t)ie differrnce ci' her 
cbeicc^ the preference, which, it' bcatuwcd un inc. 
wcMild not fnil to cxa«peralc you, 1 support with- 
oat mttrniurtu}; ; w, that favour which would 
pmbably have profoked my fate, is uuw your 
pnxection. Voila la poljteue i^rancoiw, tnadmn ; 
I hare the honour to be — Bou jour, mnnsicur. — 
Tol dtnd! [Kxu .VUa. 

RmeJi. The fclkw beers it well. Now, if 
yaoll ^e ne your hatid, we'll in, and kcitle 
uiancr* with Mr Subtle. 

Lme. TU onw my duty to cibcy. 


Enter RoctHf peeping aiHmt. 

Jtog Tic cuast is clear ; lir, lir, you may cotae 
ia ck>w, Mr Cla»ic. 

Enter Ma Classic and Sir Jonx Ruck. 

Hat the door. I w tsh, ur J(^n, 

I could giTe ycra a more cheerful wcloomc: hut 
we have no uiuu tu lose in ceremony ; you are 
ut-rivvd in the critical minute; twu houni mor« 
would have placed the iucousiderate coui>lc out 
of Uic reach of pursuit. 

Sir JoHh. lluw cnii I acknowledge your kind- 
ness f Vou have preserved luy son ; you liavc sa* 

Clai. I have dunti my duty ; but of that 

Rog. Maikier and the young woman's co- 

Clm. Sir John, place yiMinelfliere, and be a 
witnc:i<t liow near a crisis is the fote of your fii- 

Enter Buck and Lvciki>«. 

Buck. Pshn ! What Mgnifie* Iw r ? TJs oddl 
whether kiie would consent, from the fear of my 
fnthtT. iieside», jihe told me wc could n<'Ver be 
inari'Lcd here ; and mi puck up a few (hingi, and 
we'll ofl" in a poat-chaiic dii-eclly. 

Luc. .St;ty, Mr ijiicfc, let me have a luomeiit's 

rcfleaiofl Wlmt ami about? Contriving, iii 

cooccrc with the ino»t proiligate couple that ever 
disj^raced liuiiuui niiiurc, tu impotte an indicent 
orphan uii tliL- Mitc rL-pruscntntirc nf n wealthy 
and honourable family! Is this a diaracter he- 
cumiiiv my birth and eckication ^ What must be 
the conscqucnre? Sure detection nnd conlprapt ; 
contempt even from him, when his pauiouauool. 
I have resolved, sir. 

huck. Madam! 

Jmc. As tlie expedition «re are upon the potnc 
cif taking, m to Ite a lasting oiic, %vc ooght not to 
be liver linsly in our ri.-soIuti»iii. 

Hack, I'shaw ! .Stuff ! Wlien a thingS resolved, 
the buuncr 'lis over the better. 

Imc. Uut before it is ahs^ilutely rcMilved, give 
me leave to liet; iin aoower to two questmiis. 

Duck. Make haslc, llicii. 

Luf. What are your tlwuKhls of mc? 

Ituek. Thoughts ! Xay, I don't know; why* 
tliat you arc a sensible, civil, liandsonie, liamly 
|i;irl, and will make a devilish good wife. That 
IS nil, 1 think. 

J.ue. Iltit of my rank and fortune? 

Buck. Mr Subtle says ilicy are both great; 
but iliat's no busineu of mine ; I was alwayb de- 
termined to marry for love. 

Luc. Generously said ! My birth, I believe, 
woa't disgrace you ; but fur niy fortune, your 
friend, Mr Subcli^ I fear, has antictjnied you 

Buck. Much «ood may it do him; I have 
enough fur butli : hut wu tusc tiiuu, and muy be 

I.KC. By whom f 

Buck. By Domino; or, perimps father may 

Luc. Your father ! You dunk be wtwld pre- 
vent you, then ^ 

Buck. Ptffaaps bo would. 




Xvc. And wby f 

Burk, Nny, I don't knoir ; hutt [»liaw '. ^cookft ! 
diis is like saying nncV catechise. 

Luc, But dotrc you think your fathci^s am- 
scut nprc««rv ' 

BncA. No ; why 'lh I am to be married, and 
not he. But cnme along - old f'en<i«'!i \nve tn ho 
uhstinntc; hut, 'eciid 1 am as miilisli tu he; aiid 
to tell yon the truth, if he had {>rop<»i>d mc 
a wife, that wnuld hai'« lieen rnuon Anoof^ to 
tnukc mc diitlikt* her; and I don't tliink 1 shciuhl 
ho half so hot nboui marrying yuu, only I thou{;lit 
^wuuid placne the old fwllow dnmnnhly. Sii, 
my pretty poittiLT, come ahiiig; Itt tit liuvc no 

Enter StK Jouy Hvck, ami Ci.x^ic, 

Sir John. Sir, I nm ohlis^ to you for this de- 
cUrtitloni RS, to it, I tiwe the entire suhjeclion of 
that potemnl McakneM nliich hns IiittuTtn ativ 
pcnded tlie rorreclion your abandom-d iiberiin- 
um has Jong pravokMl. You haie forgot iJic 
duty you owe a fiuher, disclnimed my protection, 
<!ancelfed the natural covi'nnnt Ivtwepnus; 'tis 
time I now should gifc VQ<J up to the »uidiince 
of your own guilty pA»ioiift, and treat you us a 
Btnuipr In my blood for ever. 

Burk. I told you what would happpn if he 
ibould come ; but vou mny thank vourself. 
. SirJohm, Knunlly n-ealc ns wirfied, the dtipc 
of a raw, gidciv cirl. But, proceed, sir; von 
liavo nothing larilicr to fetir fnau mc; com- 
plete your project, and add her ruin to your 

Buck. Sr, as to me, you may say what ynu 
please; but for the young woman, alic doe^ not 
deserve it; hut now (lie wniitl-d ms lo get your 
consent, and told mc tlmt stic had nerer a penny 
of portion into the bargain. 

Sir John. A stale, obrions artifjcf ! She knew 
the discovcrv of the fraud musi folfow close on 
your inconnderatp marriage, and would then 

K' ad the merits of licr prior candid discovery. — 
lady, doubUest, sir, lias other secrets to 
dJKloM; but as her cunning revealed the first, 
liCT poller will presere the rest. 

Luc. frhsit SFcrets? 

Jiuek. He quiM, I tell you ; let him alone, and 
he'll cool of himself liv-ond-by. 

Lur. Sir, 1 am yet the protectress of my own 
honour; in justice to thnt, I must demand an 
esplaunlion. Whiit secrets, sir-' 

&r John. Oh, pcrliaps, a thousand ! But I am 
lobhune tu call ilwin secrets; tlw custom» of 
Uiiii gnv couiUry give <Anciiori, and Mamp merit 
upon vice I and vanity will here proclaim, what 
modesty would i^lsc^here hlush tn whimper. 

Luc. .Modesty! Yon suspect my virtue, then > 

Sir John. You ore a lody; but the fear* nf a 
father may he pennitted to neglect a little your 
plan nf poliicitc-M : iliereforc, to he pUin, Jrom 
jour rcMdencc in this bousCf from your coniKrc- 

lion with these people, and from the sohcn* 
which my presence his inlemiptcd. I have m- 
picions — of what nature, ask yourself. 

IjUC. 8ir, YOQ have rcavja ; appearances are 
againsc mc, i confvm ; but when you hare heard 
my melancholy storr, youl) own you hare 
uTDiiged me, and learn to pity her, whom yon 
DOW hate. 

^> John. Madnm, you misemploT yotir tttne; 
there, tell your story^ there it wdl be belwved; 
1 am too knowing in the wiles of woioen to be 
wtftened by a syren-tcor, or imposcl oa I7 oa 
artful tnle. 

Liie. But hear me, ar; on ray knee I be? it 
nny, 1 demand it; you have wronged nic, and 
must do me juviee. 

C/ns. I nm sure, madam, sir John will be ghid 
to find his fean ore false ; but you cannot bhim 

Luc. I dou't, sir: and I slmll hut little 

rH» on his pittience. ^\1ien you know, sir, 
nra the orplian uf an honourable and 
wealthy fainiiy. whom hrr father, mitgoidi 
pcniicious politics, brought with him, in 
licst infancy, to France; that dying Uertf, 
heqnemhcd me, wiOi the poor remnant of oar 
slwttered fortune, to the direction of this nipafi- 
ous pair; 1 am ^un; you'll tremble for mc. 

Sir John. <Jo ou. 

L»f. But when you know that, pliimlfred of 
the lictic fortune left tue, I was reluctantly com* 
pC'llcd to aid this plot; lorce<l to comply, uoder 
the penalty of deepest want; without one hospi- 
table roof to shelter me; without one friend In 
comfort or rclicre me ; you must, you can't but 
pity me. 

Sir John. Proceed. 

Imc. To this, when yon are told. ihnt. ptevi- 
ons to your coining, I had determined never lo 
wed your snn, nt len^t without ymir knimled]]!' 
and consent, I hope your justice then »ill credit 
and acffuit me. 

Sir .hthn. Mndatn, your talc is ptaa»hle ind 
moving ; I hope *iii true. Here comes iIk> et- 
plainer of this riddle. 

Enler Ma aiiti Mas SrBTLS. 

MrSuh. Burk's father! 

.Sir John. I'll take some other time, ur, to 
thank ynu for the last proofs of your frirml- 
ship to mr family; in tlie mean time be so can- 
did as to mstnict us iu the knowledge of this tt- 
dy, whom, it seems, you have choseo for tlie piff* 
ner of my son. 

Mr Sub. Mr Buck's partner 1 clioose— - 


Sir John. No f^jvocation or rrserve; your 
plot is revealed, known to the bottom, iVno ■* 
the lady ? 

Mr Sub. l^y, sir? lite lady's a geotlowonnit, 

Sir John, Bv what mean*? 




Mr Snh, Bj her father and mother. 
&r John, Who were the;, sir? 
Mr 5i(i. Uer mother was of— —I foi^et her 
M>*ifi*ti nainv. 

iStr Jokm. Yoa han't forgot her father's i 

Mr Suh. No. no, no! 

Sir Jokm. Tell it, then. 

Mr Smb. She has told it jroa, I suppose. 

Sir John. No matter; I must have it, sir, from 
TOO. Here's some mrstcrt. 

Mr Suh. ^was Worthy. 

Sar John. Not the daogbter of sir Gilhert ? 

Mr &i. You have it. 

Sir Jokm. My poor girl ! ■ ! , indeed, have 

wroogedf but will recess you. And pray, sir, 
after Uie many pressing letters you received 
from me, how came this truth concealed i But I 
gueas your motive. Dry up your tears, Lncindn ; 
at last you hare found a father. Hence, ye de- 
genermte, ye abandoned wretches, who, abusing 
the confidence of your country, unite to plunder 
tboae ye pmnise to protect 

[Sxeunt Mr and Mas Subtle. 

Lmc. Am I then justihed f 

Sir John. Yoa are: your father was my first 
and firmest friend ; I mourned his loss ; and long 
have sought for thee in vain, Lucinda. 

BucA.,Pray, han't I some merit in finding her i 
she's mine, by the custom of the manor. ■ 

Sir JoAn. Yours ! First atndy to deserve her ; 
she's mine, sir; I have jast redeemed this valua- 
ble treasure, and shall not trust it in a spend- 
thrift's hands. 

BucA^ What would you have me do, mi 

Sir John. Disclaim the partners of your riot, 
polish your manners, reform your pleasures, and, 
before you think of governing others, learn to 
direct yourself. And now, my beauteous ward, 
well tor the land where first you saw the light, 
and there endeavour to forget the long, loi^ 
bondage you have sufiered here. I suppose, «r, 
we shall have no difficulty in persuadmg you to 
accompany us; it is not m France I am to hope 
for your reformation. I have now learned, that 
be, who transports a pnifligate son to Paris, b^ 
way of mending his manners, only adds the vi- 
ces and follies of that country to those of his 
own. [Exeunt omnu. 

Vol.. in. 







Haktop, in iove st'/A Miss ScKEY*s^liute. 
Si» Gbeoort Gaktte, a ample knight. 
3 in KivSt friend to Haetop. 
Tiu, Km to Sib Gsecoby Gazette. 
RoBiK, servant to Sib Gbe«obt Gazette. 


Jenny,' a chambermaid. 

Miss Penelope Tbifle, on old 

Miss Suket Trifle, her niece. 

Scene—* country totm. 


SCENE I.— ^ room. 
Uabtdp and Jehkins ^acotered. 

Jen. I SHOULD not duue to many into luch a 

Hot, Choice, dear Dick, is very little con- 
cerned in the matter ; and, to convince you that 
love is not the minister of my counsels, know, 
that I Dcver saw but once the object of my pre- 
sent purpose ; and that too at a time, and m a 
circumstance, not very likely to stamp a favour^ 
able impression. What think you of a raw 
boarding-school girl at lincoln-Minster, with -a 
mind bnpolished, a ^re uninformed, and a set 
of features tainted with the colour of her un- 
wholesome food ? 

Jen. No very engaging object indeed, Hartop. 

Hot. Your thoughts now were mine then; but 
some connexions I have since bad with her fa- 
ther, have given birth to my present design upon 
her. You are no stranger to the situation of my 
circumstBnces : my oe^boorhood Co sir Penu- 

rious Trifle, was a suffident motive fix- bis ad- 
vancing what money I wanted by way of mort* 
gage ; the hard terms he imposed upon me^ Md 
the little regard I have paid to ectmomy, hit 
made it necessary for me to attempt by toiu 
scheme, the re-establishroent of my rartana. 
This juuog lady's simplicity, not tn say 'witm- 
ance, presented her at once as a proper saofBct 
for my purpose. 

Jen. Success to yon, Jade, with all my sool ! ■ 
fellow of your spirit and vivacity, mnijund oo^ 
to support, for tnc sake of themselves. Forwha^ 
ever p^neca and the other moral mitert nty 
have suggested in contempt of riches, it is pinn 
their maxims were not calculated for the worid 
as it now stands. In days of yore, indeed, when 
virtue was called wisdom, and vice folly, indk 
principles might have been eni-ouraged: botai 
tlic present subjects of our enquiry are, not what 
a man is, but what he has ; as to be ridi, is to be 
nise and virtuous, and to be poor, ignorant, and 
vidous — I heartily applaud your pl^ 




fior. Your obneiTUion U but um> just 
Jen. But. prithee, in the Unt place, how can 
you gaiu adnulUiiire to yiiur oustrets^ axicl, in 
the second, is the girl independent of bcr fallicr? 
His oonscut, I suppose, jou have no thought of 

Har. Soooc farther proposals ooacemifi)i; luv 
cttate ; socfa as an increase of the mortfEOj^c, or 
an abaolale sale, is a suAcient pretence for u vh 
■it \ voA, as to tlie costi, twenty to my kuowlcdj^ ; 
in d ti WDdeot too, you ro^ue ! aini besides wi <'n- 

S' child, you know : nntl then, wlien ihiiMpt nrc 
noc, ihey can't l>c undone — Hiid 'lis well 'lis no 
worae — and a hundred such pretty proverbs will, 
^is crcat odds, reconcile ibe old I'cllow at la^t. 
Beaded my papa in poue, has a tViibte, which, if 
I coodesceoa to hiunoar, I have his soul^ mv 

Jen. Prithee, now vou nre in spirits, give nie 
a portrait <*t' sir I'ciiurirms ; ilinugh he is inv 
ac^bour, yet he is i»o dmnestic an iinimai, 
iIm I know DO mnrti of him than (he ci»min(>ii 
«owDCry ounvcrsation, tluit he is a ihrit'cy, wary 

Hur. The lery abstroct of pcnurY ! Sir Jnhn 
Coder, with hts trau^ini^niled stockings, wiis Init 
a type of him. For mslanre, the barber hns the 
Crowtti of his and Ins dHU):hter's tirKd unce ii-yeiir, 
for shaking the kutgtit tiuae a fortttif^ht ; his sho4.-> 
arc made with the leather of a coach of his 
grandfather's btiilt in the yiiarOnc; hi^ nmle- 
srnrant is footman, Biroom, carter, coachmun, 
and taylnr; his tnnid employe her leisure hours 
in plMJS-work for the nei;;hhaurs, which sir i'e> 
nurious tmkes care, as her labour is for Ins emo- 
lument, shall he as manv as pns^blc, l>v joininii; 
«ith hu dau|;hler tii Kuuriug tlie rooms, mnking 
the beds, A:c — 'I'tius much for his nit»nil charuc- 
ler. Then, at to his intellectual, he i^ a meic 
tharte himnekc; the last man ho is with must af- 
ford him outltcr for the next he goes to : but a 
•tanr i* hts idol; throw him in that, and he 
<wwlows it ; no matter what, raw or nutated, 
Mroary or insipid, down il i^>c», nnd up aentri 
to the hr^t penon be meets. It is upon this 
basts I (bund my favmr with the knight. Iinvinu; 
acniiired patience enough to hear his stones, 
tod cquippmj myself wuh a quantity suificit-nt 
to fumi«n liim. Ui« niauncr is indeed petii- 
liar, awl, for once or t<«ice, entertaining enough. 
111 eire you a speciii^i Is not tlint an equi- 

Jtm, Hey! yes, faith; and titc owner on ac- 
yWiiftlDf of mine: .Sir Ureeory (.ia/ette, by 
iwfkttx ! and hi» son Tim witli him. Now I cwi 
aalefc vour kni^hL He must come this way to 
tht parlour. We'll have a sceoe: but take your 
•ue ; he is • oountiy politician. 

Sift Grcoobt entering^ and Waiter. 
Sir Ort, WbU, iieiiher the Gloucester Jour- 

nal, Dor tlie Worcester Couront, nor the North- 
ampton Mercury, Dor the Chester? Mr Jenkins, 
I aui your humble servant : A stmnge town this, 
Mr Jenkins; no news stirriof;, no pH|)ers taken 
in! Is that gentlcmait a stmu^er, MrJeukioa? 
Fnty, sir, uot to be too bold, you don't come froin 
Luiidoo i 

Har. But Utst night. 

Sir Gre. I^ck-a-day, that's wonderful ! Mr 
Jenkins, introduce inc. 

Jen. Mr llano^, sir Gregory Gaxettc. 

Sir Ore. Sir, I am pmud to Well, sir, and 

what news? You come from Pray, sir, are 

you a parliamcnt'mmi f 

Har. Nut I, uuieed, sir. 

Sir Crt. (hmmI lack t may be, belong to the 

Har. \or titat 

Sir Grc. Ub, tlien io some of the oflficcs ; the 
treamry, or the eichcqucr i 

Har, Neither, sir. 

Sir Gre. iAck-o-day, that's wonderful ! Well,* 
but Mr — Pray, what name did Mr Icnkiiu^ Ua, 

Har. Ilartop. 

Sir Gre. Ay, true !— What, not of the llartops 
of Boston ? 

Har. No. 

Sir Gre. May be not. There is, Mr Ilartop, 
one tiling (hat I envy you Londoners in much — 
quires of newspapers! Now I reckon you read 
a matter of eight ihccu every day i 

Har. Not one. 

Sir Gre. Wonderful ! — Ttien, may be, you are 
about court i and so, being at ilic luunLaio- 
faead, know wluit is in the papers before they 
arc printed. 

Har. i never trouble tay bead about them, — 
An old fool 1 lAtide. 

Sir Gre. Good Lord ! Yoor friend, Mr Jen- 
kins, is very close. 

Jen. Why, sir Gregory, Mr Ilartop is much in 
the secrets above ; and it becfmies a nsB lo 
trusied to be wfiry, you ku/jw. 

Sir Ore. May bo so, may be so. Wonderful ! 
Ay, ay ; a great man, no doubt. 

Jen. But m Kive him a better insiehi into 
your chanictcr, and tl)at will induce him to throw 
oif his resen e. 

Sir Ore. .May be so : do, do ; ay. ay. 

Jen. Prithee, Jack, dot/t be so crusty : indulee 
the knight's humour a little ! Besides, if I guet« 
right, it may be occeuary for the conduct of 
your design lu contruct a pretty strict intimacy 

Har. Well, do as you will. 

Jen, iiir Gregory. Mr Hartop's iE;noraoce of 
your cl>arncicr made him a little shy in his re- 
plies; but you will now 6nd him more comma- 
nicative ; and, in yoor ear — he is a trcnwre ; lie 
is in all tltc mvsterics of i^uvvruiucul ; a* Uiv UH- 
tom of ever; ttiiug. 




Sir Grt, Wonderfii] ! a treasure ! vj, tnnj be 

Jen. Anrf, thm you mny hnve himtoTOuneir, 
I'll KO it) searrii of ytnp- »on. 

■Sir (ire. Do r, do so; Tim is without; just 
come from hts jncle Trecesle'*, at MenrjiJ- 
XV, in C'oniwall. Ttni is an Honest lad — Ho m, 
do so— [ExiV Ji:sK.} — Well, Mr Hurtop, mid so 
«e Imve n pence, Inck-n-dnv; long-looltpiUfor 
come nt la^t. But pnty, Mr Hsrtop, how mnny 
neMftpapcrN may vou have pHutcd iti 8-weck? 

Uer. About an hundred and liAy, ur Gre- 

Sir Grr. Good now, good now ! and all full, 
T reckon ; full ns an tf% ; noihing hut news ! 
Well, well, I ?^hiitl fp to Ijtioilon oiie of thcM 
days. ^ hundred and fifty ? Wondtrriil ! And 
prdv, now, which do you reckon tJie best? 

ilar. Oh, wrOre^iirv.thevareirahoas in their 
excellencies, as thoir uses, ii you are inclined to 
hiackei), by a couple of lines, the rfrptitftlion of n 
ueii^tbunr, you m»y do it for two tihiUiniri in oiic 
pnpcrt if you are displaced or di^iippomted of & 
place, n inplrc a^iiifit ttw tmoiilry will he al- 
ways wtU received at tlie heftd of anotlier: niid 
then, n» a pnpcr of morning Brau»emrnt, you have 
the Fool. 

Sir Ore, Tbe FoqI ? cood lack \ and pray who 
and what moy that SAmc foul be ? 

Uar, WhY, sJrOreeory, llwnuthor has artfully 
a5&umed that habit, like tltc royal jesters of old, 
tn level his satire with more aecunty to himself, 
and !»everity tu others. 

Sir (tre' Mny be bo, may be w I The Fool ! 
ha, ha, ha ! Well eiioueh ; a queer do^ ami no 
fnol, I warmitl you. Killigrew; uh, I have heard 
my ftRuidlather talk much of tlint mme Kitli- 
ercw, and no fool. But whnt's all this to ttews, 
Mr Hartop ? Who {^ve» us the bent account of 
the ktuy of Spain, and tlie queen of Hunpnrv, 
Hiid tlio<<: vrciit friLks f Come uow, yon could give 
lis a little news, if vou would ; conic now — snug ' 
■ — nobody by. Good iiow, do; come, ever so 

Har. Why, ai you to largely contribute to the 
soppoit of the govrmmeui, it is but fair yon 
sliould know wliat (licy are about. Wc arc at 
prevent in a trealv with the pope. 

&r Grt. With' the pope ! Wonderful I Good 
now, good now \ How, how \ 

liar. Wp arc tu yield hiiu up a large trnck of 
the Terni-inrognita, together with both the 
Needlra, Scilly-riK'Ls, and tlie IJxard-poirit, on 
ciinditioti ttiat the pretender lias the govenitncnt 
of Laputa, and tiic bishop of Greenland suc- 
ceerU ti) Si Peter's chair; he being, you know, a 
protectant, wlwn possessed of the poniifiCTiIs, 
iwurs oot n bull, commanding nil catholics to be 
of his reliibon : ihey, deeming the pone infallible, 
fotlinv lii> directions; and then, sir ure^ury, wr 
BIT all nf one mind. 
•St Grt. Gotid lock, good lack ! Rare news, 

rare news, rare news ! Ten railtinm of thanks, 
Mr llanop. Hut niiglit not 1 just hint tliis ui 
Mr Snnkom, our vicar? 'twould rejoice hi« heart. 

Har. O lie, by no mean* ! 

^> Grt. Only a Iumi — a little hiot — do now f 

Har. Well, sir, it is difficult for me to rrfoM 
you any thing. 

Sir Ore. 'I'en thousand tluinks. Good now ! 
the pope— Wonderful ! HI minute it down- 
Both the Needles ? 

Har. Ay. Ifoth. 

Sir Grt. Good now; ni minute it — the U- 
lard-point — both the Needles — Scilly-rorks — bi- 
shop of (freentnnd — iSt IVrer's dwir — Why ihtn. 
wlten thii is finished, we may chuDce to attack 
the great Turk, and have lioly war> i^inj Mr 

Har. That's part nf the scheme. 

•Sir Gre. Ah, pood now ! You see I ha»« a 
head ! Politic* have been my atudy many a 
day. Ah, if I httd hpen in I^ondon to tmprorebv 
the ncn-^paper« ! Tliey tell me Dr Drybottn » 
to succeed lo the bishoprick of Wispcf ? 

Har. No; l><H-tor 

Sir Gre. Ind^e<t ! 1 vris told by my landloeJ 
at lOrss, that it was bctweeu hiin and the deu 

Har. To triy knowledge. 

Sir Gre. Nay, vou know best, to he sure. 

it should Hush ! here's Mr Jenkins arwl ma 

'rim — mum ! — Mr Jenkms doe^ not kuuw aiqr 
lh>it|i aliout the treaty with the pope? 

i/ur. Not u word. 

Sir Gre. Mum \ 

i'n/er Tim o/k/Mr Jckkixs. 

Jen. Mr Timoiliy is almost grown outof knoM- 
ledpe, sir fSrf^onr. 

Sir Gre. Good now, goiMl now! uf, aj; IN 
weeds grtiw a-pure. !Jon 'I lui, Mr Hariop; a p»ai 
man, child ! lilr llnrtop, lou Tim. 

Hot. Sir, 1 stmll be always glad to k(Km ertn 
brenrli that springs frotu mi i aluablc a (r^ink a* 
sir (Jreeory Gaicrte. 

Sir Grr. May br so. Wonderfor! mr, Av, 

Har. Sir, I am ^lod tu »ce you in HerrfunV 
sliirp — lln*e you been long from Cormvalt.' 

Tim, A^, sir; a iiiatier of four vreeks at ■ 
month, more or less. 

Sir Gir. Well said, Tim! Ay, ay, mL Vm 
any qui-Mioiis he mn 3ini|rpr for himself. Tin. 
icll Mr Hartop all tt>c news about tbe election^ 
Hnd tlie Limit- rs mid tlic tides, and the roads ud 
the pilchards. 1 want a few wunis with Mr Jeo- 

Har. Yuu Itare been to long absent from ynm 
native country, that you Imve almost for|^it. 

Tim. Yes Mirc. I ha' bceo at uncle Tr B giritiV 
a matter of twelve or a doxcn year, morp wum. 

Har. Then 1 rL>ckou you were quale iniMtient 
to see your papa and momma ? 

Tim. No sore, twt I. Father icdk fur nr ta 




«aclc:/--Sorc Mencgtjy is a choice place ! and I 
' could B lOid there all my bom davi, mure or 

Uar. Prar. sir, whnt were vour amusements ? 

Tim. Xan I what d'ye toy f 

Har. How (lid y<ni nivert vfflifM'lf ? 

'lim. iMi, we lia' irtsiimcs enow there; — we 
ba' balMnitin^ ana OKk-tighting, and Ashing, 
Mut honlinib and hurlinf;, hikI wrcnliiiE. 

flirr. TTie twu last are sporta, for which tliot 
conntry i« very remarkable; — in those, I pfesunic, 
jwi arc vciy expert ? 

TSw. N'Rit ! What; 

Har. I say jou are a good wrestler. 

'fim. Oh, ye» !iurR,Iain wrcMlc well enow : — 
but we duit't wreaile after your fashion ; wc ha' no 
tripniiifb fnth and sole \ we go all upon clisse hugs, 
«r Clie Ayiaf> mare. Will ynu try a fall, laaster? 
—I won't hurt voo, fath wid sole. 

Jifor. We had as ^ood not venture though. 
But have you left in Cornwall nnthitig that you 
regret iho low of aiorc than hurhng and wrc^t- 

•Jiau Noa! Wtint? 

Har. So faTOurite she ! 

'/W. Am, I cnijpled Favourite and Jowlcr to- 
gether. Slid -ure they tugged it ait ihc way up. 
I*art \*nU Favnufiie ! m>, I tluink yuu fur nothing. 

tVou muu knovr I nuned Favourite myself: un- 
cic'a huntsman was KUing to Milt-poiid to drown 
all MuMc'n poppies ; mi I »aved she. Bot fath, 
I'll tell you ft coratcal story: at Lanston. thcY 
both bnikc tonse, and eat a wliole loin^'-tcal, 
and a U*gof beef : ('n<it ! How Imidlord swcar- 
cd I fatii ibe |ioor fellow was Hlinoftt nmazed : it 
made on* die wi' laugliintc. But how came you 
to know sbnut our Favourite t 

Htr. \ cJrcumMancc so niaterial to hi* son, 
oonld note&cspe the knowledge of sir (ircsory 
CaiTttc's frirnds. But here you raistuok me u lit- 
tle, ISquircTiiu ; I mnuit wlieilKrynur nffocliotis 
were oot settled upon some pretty fEirl. — Has 
■at Himc Cornish la» caught your )■< art ? 

7W Hush! Ltjd, the old man v\\\ lit-ar; jog a 
vmy bit thi« way— won't a' tell father? 

H<tr. U|»n my honour! 

Tin. Why then, I'll idl ynu the whole Kory 
more or leas. Do you know Mally Pengrouse? 

Har. I ani not s>i hnupy. 

Tim. SheS uncle's milk-OMtd;— she's m liand- 
■■ne. I»rd ! her liice all red and white, like the 
■aside irt' a shoulder of inutlon; m» I muda love 
to our Mally: andjiMt, futh, iis I had got her 
yoH-will to run away lu Eieter and he married, 
■Dcle found it nut, and hrnt w<ml to fulhcr, and 
tehrr sent for mc hooie — but 1 don't love tier a 
fail the wuTM- for tJiat. But i'cod, if you tell fa- 
ther, be*ll knnck my brains out ; for lie says, I'll 
dWpimt^ tl»e fumily, nnd mother's as mad as o 
March bare about it — so fniher and niodier Im' 
broogbi nic to be married to some yuung Knly in 

Har. What, is my lady here ? 

ITm. No, sure; dame Winnifred, as fiither 
calls her, could not come along. 

Har. I am stirry for that ; 1 have the honouf 
to be a distant relaUoo of her liidvship's. 

Tim. like enough, faih ! — shc'i a-kia to half 
the world, I think. But don't you say n word to 
father about Mally Pen^^rousc. Htish ! 

Jr«. Mr Harcop, air Gregorv will he amongst 
us some time — he is goin^ with his mjo to sir Pe- 
nurious Trifle's there IS n kind of i titruiv of 

luarriage on foot between Mib Sukcy Trille and 
Mr rim'>iliy. 

Har. 'I'hc devil ! \Apart.\ I shall be plad of 
every circumstance ttiat can make me better ac- 
quainted with sir Gi-cgory. 

&> Ore. Oood now, good now ! may be to, 
mar be so ! 

Tim. Father, mre the gentleman says as how 
mother and he nrc a-kin ! 

Sir Gr(. Wonderful ! Lack-o-day, lack-a-dny ! 
how, how ? I am proud to — but how, Mr Hnrtop, 

Har. ^Vhy, sir, a cousiiMi'nnon of my aunt's 
6r5t hosbann intermarrisd with a distant relation 
of a collateral hraiich by the iiiotbcr's iide. the 
AppHces of lAntrindon ; nnd we have ever »incQ 
qunnered in a Vutrheoii of pretence the three 
"oat's tails rampniit, diridcd by a clicvcmii, field* 
ar]e,cnt; with a leek pendant in the dexter poin^ 
to riislinpiish thp second house; 

Sif Ure. Wonderful! woodcrful ! nearly, 
nearly related * Good now, good now, if dame 
Winnvfred wns here, she'd mnke them all out 
with B wet finger — l«il ihcy art- above mc. Pri- 
thee, Tim, good now, see after the horses — nnd, 
d*ye hear ? try if you can get any in'w"|iiip<r*. 

T^m. Yes, fntlier — But, cousin whai-d'ye-calt- 
um, not a word about Mnllv Pengr>*usc ! 

Httr. Mum ! {Erit Tm. 

.Sir Gre. Good now, litat boy will make some 
mistake about the horses now ! I'll go mvself. 
Good now, no fartlicr, cousin; if you please, no 
ceremony — A hundred and fifty new^jwpers a 
week ! the Fool ! ha, ha, ha ! wonderful ! an <Kkl 
dog! [■^"^ ^'" GaKooar. 

Jen. So, Jack, here's s fresh spoke tn your 

Har. This is a cursed cross incident ! 

Jen. WqII, hut something must be done to 
frustrate (he scheme of yoor new cousin'*. Cm 
you think of nothing? 

Hnr. I have been hammeriug : pray, are lite 
two knights intimated ore they well ac<|uaitited 
with each otl)er's person f 

Jrn. Faitii, I can't tell ; but we nay soon 

iitr. Could yon recotnmend me a good spi- 
rited girl, who has hiiiuour and complinuce to 
follow a few directions, and undentanding 




mnugh ta bortcr a little incbiuuion for 3000L &• 
jrCMT mud a fool ? 

Jen. hi part X guess your dcsit^n; the iiuu/b 
daughter oi' ilic iKitue ib a good lively lass, has a 
fortune (o luaLp, unit no reputaium to Inse : 111 

call her — Jcany !— but rhc ciiera}-'» at hand 

yH withdraw and pfepnre Jenny. When the 
tvonhipful family arc retired, I1l iolroducc tJie 

[Exit Jkkkiks. 

Znter Sir Grigobt anitf Tiu. 

Sir Gre. Pray, now, couMn, are you in friend- 
ship with nir t'cnunoiu Tnflc 7 

Sinr. I iiavt die honour, kir, of that geutle- 
mail's ncquuintance. 

^> Grf. May be so, may be so! but, lack-a- 
day, cou^D. is he such a mis^r as folks aoy ? 
Hood now, they tcU nic wc slinll hardly haie nt^ 
ccBMiries fnr uursc-lve* and hiwe at Gripe-hall; 
hut aa yuu area telatiou, you should, good now, 
inow the affairs of the family. Here's sir Penu- 
rious'fr Icltrr ; here, cousin. 

/iflr. * Your overture I receive with pleasure, 
nod ^ould be glad to niRet you in Shropshire* — 
I hincy, from a ihorouch knowlrdgc of sir Penu- 
ri'>uh's diBpotrition, and by tvhat I om cnllect frtiro 
the coaieats of that letter, he would be much 
belter pJcawd to meet you heie than at bis own 

Sir Grr. l.jick-n-i|tir, may lie so t — a stnuigc 
mau ! wonderful ! But, guud now, cxiu&in, nlmt 
niust we dn ^ 

Uur. I tliit Diortiiog paid sir Penurious a visit, 
and if you'U honour tDe with your cummaodi, 

ni — 

Sir Gre. Woiideiful ! to-day ! good now, 

that's lucky ! cousiu, you are very Liiul. Ijutx] 
now, I'll scod a letter, Tiiu, bv cousin Hartop. 

B'tr. A letter from so old an ac<iuainlaiici-, 
aiul upon ao happy an uccaiiuD, will secure me u 
favourable reception. 

Sir Gre. Good lack, ^ood lack, an old ao- 
quainiiincc, iudecd, cuiifiii Hartup I we were at 
Hereford 'sjw topcUicr — let's see, wonderful, 
how liiiig afio! — 'twas while 1 was courting 
Damo Winny, iIh- year before I aiarned — 
Good ROW, how long? let's sfMi — that year the 
hecfcti^y scible was built, and Pcler l)gly, the 
blind pad, fell into a saw-pit. 

Tun. Motlier sny>s father and she was married 
the firv of April la the year ten ; and I knows 
His tlicreabout, for I ant two and iJiiriy ; and 
brotltcr Jercmv, land Ko^er, and Gregory, and 
sister Nelly, were bom befure I. 

Sir C re. Good now, enod now! how time 
Wears away! wonderfal ! thirty-ei^bt years a ^o, 
Tiin ! 1 cuuld ni>t have lliuught it. Hut ouoie ui, 
let's set about the letter. But, pruy. cousin, 
what divtrr&ions, good nuw, arc gulng fumnfd iu 

Ha/. Oh, sir, we fire in nO diatiCM for amitse- 
wem ; we have plays, balls, puppeC-ftwirft, maa- 
uuemdcs, bull-bnitiup, hoiin^ burlettas, rouu, 
dnnns, and a tbouaatHl otiiers. But I am in haste 
for yt>ur epistle, sir Gregory. 

sir Gre. Cousin, your servant 

[£r<uai Siu Gecgort owdTiMOTirT. 

Bar. I am your must obedient — Huifr far our 
M:heinp .surreal : and if JeuVins's ^rl can «»• 
suiiie the Bukward pertness of the daughter, with 
IS much bucceaa as 1 can imitate the ity'inbed 
folly of sir Peourious the father, I duu't (icspait 
of a happy catastrophe. 

JJnlrr Jekkt. 

Jeni^. Sir, Mr Jenkins 

Uar. Oil, iliild, your instructions shall be ad* 
miniittered within. 

JVuny. Mr Jenkins has opctied your devgn, 
and I aui ready and able to execute loy part. 

Uar. My ckar, I linre nut the lca«t doabtof 
either yiiir inclination or abibty — B<it, p<ix taka 
this aid feltow ! what in the devil's tttwe can 
bruig him buck i Scour, Jenny. 

Enter SjR Grcgort. 

Sir Gre. Cousin, I lieg pardon ; but I have a 
favour to l«i; — (>ood now, could not yoa mate 
intcrral al »jiiie coirie-hnu^r in I^ndoo, to buy, 
for u small matter, th*; old Inmi|l9 of iipwspaprn, 
and ^eud tlicni intu the cnuntty in mer ilifi 
wuuld (KLtsawuy the timr rarelv in u ntiny daf— 

Uar. E'll send you a cart-load. 

Sir Gre. Goon now, good now ! Tea thoo> 
^and ihnnks [ — You are r cousin indeed. Bu^ 
pray, cousin, let us^ Kood now, »ee some «f tS* 
woi-lis of thsi same fool f 

Ihir. I'll send vou them all ; but a 

Sir Gre. What, mil ?— Ijirk-SKlay. ibal's kimk 
coiuiii ! The Terra-incognita — both the Neadia 
— ti crent de<il of that ! But what bialiop is to bs 

Hur. Zounds, sir, I am in haste for your kUv 
— When I return, ask as tuuny question s ' ■ 

Sir Gre. Goitd now, good now ! that's true— 

I'll in, and about ii But, coii.<uii, the popt 

is n>n i'> liiiTe Gibraltar i 

Hilt- \», no ; damn it, nn ! As nooe but tfaa 
Fn«^ could say it, so none but idioia would b»* 
lieve him — Pray, fcir Gregor y - — 

Sir Grt. Well, well, cousm i lAck-asUy! yoe 
■ore M — but pray 

liar. Damn ytxir prayin)|> ! If yr>u dim't finish 
Vftur letter immedialely, you laay carry it your^ 

Sir Gre. Well, well, cousin ! Ldck*a-dny, yofl 
ai-e in such n— ^ood now, I jco, I go ! 

Har. Hut if ilic truth should be diMonn^ I 
shall be inevitably disappointed. 

Sir Grt. But, cousin, are Scillj roclt> 




Hot. I vnA thej were in your guts with all 
snjp beut 1 1 nuflt <]ait tlie field, I find. 

[£jriC Ua&top. 

Sir Ore. Wondf rful ! good now, good now ! 
■ pnssioimce man ! l.ack-a-day, 1 ain glad iho 
pupc is not to bare Gibraltar though. [£iU. 



SCENE I.— Sir GnEooar, and Tim rtaiUng 
uemt to Aut, Mttovered. 

Tm. CoxsTANTiKOPLB, N. S. Nor. 15, the 
GtwmI Seignior 

Sir Grt, Lack-a-day ! good now, Tim, the po- 
litics, diitd : mod rind lJi« Btnrt, nod the dnsUes, 
aod Ac bUokf, as I taui;ht you, Tiui. 

lim, Ycij lathtT — Wc can assure our readcrt, 
(hat tlie D — da^ ifi to go to F blank ; and tliat 
a ctrtuin ooble L — i& to rc»igti his p — e in the 

t J HI order co nuke room for the two three 


Sir Grt. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! 
paUi»e«s,Ttni'. Ah, 1 knov the two three stars 
voold cumc in nUiy one liinc or othtr. Thi» 
VmaAan Evening kuows more Uian any of tltctn. 
Well, child. «en. 

TiM. Frosn tiie D. J. 

&r Grt. Ay, that** the DubUa Journal. Go 

Turn. Last SatunlHy, a gang of highwaymen 
brake into tui eiofity huuae on Umond quay, oud 
H mip Mi It of all the furniture. 

air Grt, L«ck-(kHl&y, ironderful ! To what a 
hdvbt these rogues are iinmn ! 

IW Tbe way to Mr Keith's chapel, is tuni off 

&r Ore Paha ! bkip that. Tim ; I know 
thot ratd as well us the dixtor: 'tis in every 

Tiar. J. Wonl, at the Cat and Gndiroti, Pctli- 
ooat lane, raakes tabby all orcr for pL-ople in- 
diaed to be crooked ; aod if he was to huve the 
waitrrraai world for omking a pair of slays '>*'' 
could not put better stolFin them 

Sir Gr€. Cowl onw ; wherc's that, Tim ? 

Tm. At Uie Cat and Gridiruii, fuUier, 

Str Grt. Vi\ minute that : All itiy bldy 
lai^a dutdren, good now, ore inclined to be 

Enter Draaer. 
Vrmm, Sir, Mr Jenkins beg« to s{>enk with 

Sir Cre, Good now ; detire him to iivalk in. 

fttfer Jejiiims. 

Jimit. I thought it niiglit d'K be improper to 
kifMR yvo for a viiit fram sir Penurious I ride. 
lav him and bts daughter alight at the apolhe- 
«rt*i alMtvc. 

Sir Grr. What, ibey are eotne? Wonderful ! 
*«7 kiadlf v«ry kiod, v«rjr kind; indeed, Mr-^- 

Come, Tim, settle mycmsnt; good now, let's 
be a. little dccenu — licniumher your beat bow 
to vour mi>tre^ Tim. 

'rim. Yes, father ! but must not I kiw Miss 

Sir Gre. L-u^k-n-day, ay, ay. Pray, is cousin 
Uortup come uloiig > 

Jettk. I have not seen him; but I fancy I bad 
better introduce luy neighbours. 

Sir (jre. Good now, would you be so kind ? 
[£rit Jenki»$.] Stand behind mc, Ttin — Pull 
down your ruffles, child. 

Tim. Hot, fntiier, won't Miss Suck think me 
bold, if I kiss her chops the first time i 

Sir Gre. I«ick-s-day ! no, Tim, no. Faint 
heart never won fair ludy. Ha, Tnu, hnd you 
but seen ine attack dame Winny ! But times 
aren't as they were. Good now, wc were aji- 
uthrr kind of fi>1ks in thusc day^; stout Hearty 
smacks, that would ba' made your mouth water 
agaiD i ami tlie marie stood upon llie pfiuline Itp^ 
like ihc print u^miii ti pniiiid uf huitcr. Hut the 
(nastcr-misBc» of tlie f>rcscnl age go, lack-Mrdav, 
as gingerly about it, us it' ihey were afraid to ^1 
ilieir mouths with the pnint upon tlicir mistresaes' 
cbccka Ah, tlie ilay» I lime seen ! 

IW. Xay, father, I wfirmnt, if tliat*» all, I 
kiss her hearty enow, fntli and wie ! 

Sir Grc Hu*h, Tim, I .Simid behind mc, 

Enter II.\nTOP mSir PtKuniotisTRii'LE, and 
JcKNY ai Miss ScKcr, and Jckkims. 

Sir Ore. Sir Ponurtout, I am OT«^oyed ! 

Good now ! 

Har. Sir Gregory, I kiss your liand. Mr 
daughter Suck. 

Str Grt. Wonderful ! — Miss, 1 am proud to 
—Son Tim — Sir Penurious — Best bow, child — 
Musi Suck — 

Tim. An*! that rii^i, father ? [K$ues her. 

Sir Gre. Good nOR, good now ! I am glad to 
sec you took so well You keep your own, sir 

Har. Ay, 8T, stout enough, !tir Gregory; stout 
enough, bmtlivr knight ; hearty as on uolu Hey, 
Dick? (ind. now I talk of an oiik, I'll tell you a 
story of an oak. Jc will make yon die with 
laughing. Hey, you Dick, yoo ha»e beard it; 
shaJl I tell it Mr Gregory? 

Jen. Though I have heard it so often, yet 
tlker« is soniPihing •*** engaging in vour mauner 
of telling a story, thiit it alwars appears new. 

Sir Ore, Wonderful! good now, good now; 




I love n comioU story. Pray, wr Penurious, lei'a 
baie it. — Miiid, 'lim; mind, child. 

Tim Yes, father ; futli timl sole, I luvc a 
cliuice Dtory to my Itenrt's tilood ! 

J/or. You, lini[;lit, I was nt Balh Infrt stiminer 
— *— o i»wer that people- ilriiit wlitii thtv are 
til. Yuu hutc heard of Uie UUi, Ditkrilcv. 

Tim, Ye»t faih, 1 kuow BaUi; I wiu Uicre in 

niy "ftiy up. 

Sir Ore, Ilasb, Tim ; good now, liuijt ! 

Hnr. There* n cnf)t-c-Ut>usc, you a place 

where peo|ile driiiL ci)lU>ti nnd ten, mid n.-jtd the 


Str Grc. Pmy, sir Peituriuus, how many pa- 
pers may they utkc iii } 

Har. Pahik ! damn the iicwfi ! niiiul the ^itnry. 

air Gre. Good iu>w, gixjd iiun ! n lutnty mttii, 
Tim ! 

Her. Pox take vou both ! I Iiavc lu^t the sto- 
ry — \Vhcrt did I leave uff? Hey — you Dick. 

'Hnt. About coffee aiid tea. 

Ilitr. H.i|;lit, rifihi ! True, true ! So, vmtl, ynii 
knixhl, I uKd tit hreaLfiLst ut this cofln'-lutuhL- 
tvery inorninii ; it cost me eight-pence, thuujjh, 
and I had atnMv^ u lireakfu^t at home — no niiiE- 
ter fur that, tiuiuf^h ! tJici-e I hreaLlii«tcd, vou. 
Dick, eci>d, at the same table Mitli lord 'I'uin 

Trucwit You haie heard i>f Truewil, yuu 

knight i a droll do^ ! Yuu, Uick, he told u& tite 
ktury, and mnde us die trilh Inughint;. You have 
heard al'Chnrli'6 U. yuu kitiglit ; h*; nas wn of 
Cltnrlcs I. kiii^ her«, in Cngloiul, that was be- 
lieudcd by Oliver Cromwell : So, what dues 
Churles I. you kuighi, du f Out he tif^his Null at 
Worcester, a towu you have Itcard of, nut far 
oiT: but all would tuKdo, you : ecod, Noll mnde 
liitii scamper, made liiin run, take to hi>> heels, 
jou kuiglit. Truewil told us thu atury, mude iiit 
die with laughing. I always breakfusicd at tlic 
roflee-liuu<te ; it coat me eighlpeiut', thou)tli I 
luid b breakfiut at Iwune — So whnt does Chiirtc*! 
do, but hid himicirin an oak, nn onk-trce, vou, 
ID a wood, called UoM-ohel, from two Itullan 
word*, BoMTo Bello, i\ hue wood, yyu; aod off he 
luarcheft : but old i^oll would not let him oxiic 
lioiue ; no, tayji he, you dnn't come here. J^rd 
Tom told us ihc story ; mude u» die with Inui^h- 
ing ; it coftt me eightpencc, though I had a break- 
fast at home. So, yuu ktnphi, wlico NoU died, 
lilonk there, you. attcrwardi AJbemarlc. !•» tl>e 
north, brought him back. So, you, t)»e cavaliers, 
yrou hate liotrtl of (hem? thry were I'riends to 
the Stuarts. What did tliev do, ccod. yuu Dick ! 
Ikii they put up (.'harlcs in a siicn. the roytil uok: 
you have M-cii such sipis at country alc-lioubes: 
BO, ccod, you, itliBt doe« a iiuntaii do? — tttc pu- 
rtiuiis were friend^ to Noll — but he put* op the 
sigQ of an owl in the iv>'-buf>h, and uudernoatli 
he writca, ' litis is not the royiil oak.' Yuu ha^e 
weu writings under tipis, you kn.ght * L'pon thi», 
sa;r» the royaluis, txed, this must not be ;, so, 

you, what do they do, but, ecod, ibcy pro«ec»ted 
the poor puntau; hut they nutde hnn change his 
sign, though. And you, Dick, h'^w 6'yv think 
the? changed it ? Ecod, lie puts up iJic roval t>ak, 
aud undrniealh he wrlte's * Tins i* not the owl 
ill llic ivy-bush.' It tonde us all die with laugh- 
ing. I^rd Tom told die »t(irT. 1 always 
hreakfnstf^l at the cofice-bou^e, tbotigh it oojt 
me cightpeDce, and 1 luid n breakfast at huinr; 
liey, yoii knight * Whnt, Dick, hey f 

'sir Gre. Good now, good now ! Wonderful ! 

Tim. A choiix- tale, fadi ! 

Jen. (Ill, sir Penurious is a moiteniertaitilflc 
companion. Unit must be allowed. 

Sir On: Good now, ay, ay, a miTry luaa] 
Btit, lack -u-<ln«, would not the voung Indy choose 
a Utile n-ni-ilimcut oAcr her rrdrf tkniur tea, or 

Har. Hey. you knight '. No, no ; we intend to 
dine with thee, mau. Well, )ou, Tiui. whatdosi 
thiok of thy Iniher-in-hiw thitt 14 to l<e, hey f A 
jolly cock, you. Till! : licy, link? But, pntbee, 
bor, what do^t do with all this tawdry tiu»el on? 
thnt hat und naihtcoat * Ira&h, knight, trajh I 
more iu thy poi-kel, and less in thy dutlie»; 
vou Dick ? ecod, you knight, I'll make you lai 
I Hcut to Lxjudoj), you. Dick, laj>t year^ to 
a murt^iiKe ; iind whiit iloei me, I, Dick, 
take a trip to a cotTec-house in ^t Mnrtin*: 
in comeii a l-'rench fellow fttrty times as hoe i^ 
Tim, with his mud* and parlevuuB, and his Fnit>- 
C(^a; and liis bead, you knietit, as white with 
powder, ct^-od, vou, as a twelfth cake: and who 
the deril d'ye think, Dick, this ni^ be, Iwy, 
yuu knight ? 

Sir Gre. Good now, an atubuMdor, to be 

ffur. Ecod. you knight, nor better nor wona 
than Mynheer V'aucaprr, a Dutch figurt Jioc 
at the opera house in the Hayiuarket. 

Sir Oif. Wmiderful ! gnoil now, good now! 

Har. Psha! Pox, pnthee, Tim, nobody drc^ 
tCH now ; nil plain - look at me, kmi;bt ; I tm w 
the lip of the mode; now am I io full drm, 
hey, Dick? 

Jen. You, sir, don't want die aid of droas; but 
in Mr (iiucctic, a litde regard to that pvbculw 
is but a neccM^ry compliment to his mucrCM. 

Hnr. Stuff*, Dick, stulT! my daughter, koicht. 
has had othcrgueu breeding. Hey, you, .Suck, 
come forward. Plain as a pike-sialt kniffat ; all 
a» nature mude her; hev, TimP no flams. Pi>- 
ihccVim, off wiih thy lace, and bum it; 't«iU 
help to buy tlie licence i slic'll nut like ihcc • 
bit the better fur that ; hey, Sack ? bat |iNi< 
knight; ccod, Dick, a toast and tankard wudd 
not be amih% after our walk ; liey, you } 

Sir Gre. Good now, good now I WbK JM 
win. sir PcnuriouB. 

Hur. Ecod, Utat't, hearty, you ! but wt wmA 
part the young cnople, ^ey ? ID tend Sack 
bome bread aod dieesc in; bey, kiugbtf at bar. 


mirnsii drama. 


Tiro. Come* Dick; cumc, jou knteliL Did I 
ever lell v-nj ray courtship, bey, DJck? 'twill 
ni«ke you lau^h. 

J<n. N'ot, as I rcinernl»er. 

■Sir Gr*. Lack-ifdiiv. let's have it. 

Hot. Vou kn((w my ■wife wus blinds you, 
kntcbt ! 

Sir Ore. Good ti»w, wonderful ! noi \. 

Har. Blind as u hcntlu uhpn [ (narrirrl her, 
kni^l; hey. Dick ^ she was dniwnrd in mir <ir- 
rlwrd. Maid He^v kniehl, wetii to umrkct, yxi, 
Dick; and wife mruhlcd iuto the nrrhaiH, :iud 
soaic dn^ppcd into lUv ftsJa-poivl \\r round Iter 
nut next any; but ^hc was dead a^ n lirtTlne;; no 
hetp tor thni, Dick; hiined hvr, thouch, hos, 
Tou ? She wus onlv dnushu-r tn jtir IVit^tmin 
Murkworm, you ; rich enough, vou. ficv •" l-lctyf, 
you, what df»c» ■ihc do, you. but ^hc lalli in lote 
with r«»ungMeek, brr fathfr's c-hRplHin, lift, you? 
Upon that, wliAt do#»mc i, hut slips on rlntnino's 
rai>es« yoo, pnurd myself upon her for him, and 
■re were lacked ti>ecihrr, yom, kuiglit, hey, ecud^ 
.thnufib I bcljne ihe iicvvr liked ntr : hiil what 
sif;ni6c9 that, bey, Diek ? she was rit h, you. Uul 
comr, lot's leave the childr<>n titi;ether. 
Sir Grr. Sir, 1 wait un yuu. 

IJttr. Nay, pniv 

Sir Ore, ijtood now, good now, 'tis impossi- 

Har. pox of ceremony ! Vuu, Dick, hey ' 
Eeod, kmglit, ni tell you a stJtrv. Unc of our 
■■twiiMliliifi in France, yuu, a devilish |Kiliin fel- 
low iccicMod, Dick ; ecod, y*tu, what due'', the 
Ltn^ iif FmiKC do, but, mvs he, t'l] try the iniui- 
nm uf tluA line [;euil('m»n : su, kniL'ht, eoini;; iii- 
ta a coach. toc;ethcr. tin* Litif; would linrr inv 
knd i^o firtt : oh, un't pIchm; your imiji-sty, I 
cao'iindn-tl ; ynu, hey, Ditk? Up-m rtliiuh, vhni 
does lac, the kiii>£, but he t«kc» hi<i una lhu«. 
you, Dick; am J km*; of Fraoce, or you? U rt 
my coarh, nr yours ? Aiid w pushes him ut thus 

Sir Gre. Good now, ennd now ! he, lie, lie ! 

Har. Ecnd, Dick, I heileie I have luiide ti 
Vltltake herr-; 1 sliould have^pitM! in tir^t ; hey, 
Dick? Kiiiicht, cciid, yoit, ttcg; pnrdoii. Yrs; 
vaor coarfa, am mint ; your bouse, nut wine : 
bey. kcuidit ? 

'Sir Gre, Woodorful ! A merry man, Mr Jeu- 

{Eieatit thr tao ktti/;hts and .U.K. 

7W. Father and cuumii arc gune, fulli uud 

U toW- ! 

■ Jfnmy. I fuacv mj lover id a litde puzzlcfl Ituu 

P aubri^ut. 

Tim flow — fith and sole, I don't knoiv what 
lu Mty. — [low d'^i; do, MtMs Suck 1 
Jtmmy. Pretty well, tbauk, yuu. 
7W Vuu haictiud a cligicc walk. Tls a rare 
day, fatti aiKl »olc \ 

IJcumjf. Vc*; the day's well cauuf^h. 
Tim. U your huuM: a good way od" here ? 
Vol, 1». 

Jeitny. Dree or vonr mile. 
7T«. 'riiut'» u good \'»iz V'alk, ftidi ! 
Jtnnf/. I make notlitii}; of it, and iMirk aeain, 
'I\m. Like eaow, [\Vhi*ttfu, 

Jttmif. \!iiHfi»A 

Tha. Ynti have a rare pipe of your oivn, mitts, j 
Jeiiiiy. I ch;i siiio; loud eiioui^li, if I Imvi-' a 
mind ; hut father don't love HUgiivj;. 

!/SiM. Like i-now, [ \V/ii$ttfs. 

Jrnntf. And 1 »n't nverfoiicl uf whi^lmi*. 
Ttm. Hey ! ay, like enow : and I am a liiiier 
biid sincer. 

Jrtnif/. Hey ! »y, like entmsh- 
Ttm. I'mv, jSii-'sSuck, did ever any body make 
love to you bef-trc ? 
Jrnnj^. Before when ? 
Tin*. Before now. 
Jfitnf/. What if I won't tell yon? 
Tm. \Vhy, then, you must let it alone, fath 
and sole. 
Jenny. IJkc enough. 

Ttm. Pniy, Mi^ Suck, did your father tcU yoD 
any thing? 

Jeint/. Abnut what? 
'ilm. Alioitt r. 
Jeany. What bhuuld a tcH? 
Tim. Tell ! Why, as liow I and fatlier was 
come a-wiH>ing. 
Jrnng. Who.* 

Tim, Whv, you. Could yoo like me for a 
sweelhenrt. Miss Suck ? 
Jenny. I don't know. 

'Hm. Mayhap, somebody tnay ha* got your 
good-will ulreody ? 
Jrnny, And what llicn ? 
VSjw. Tlini? Hey, 1 don't know. But if you 

could fancy me 

Jenny, for what? 
7TtJrt. For vour iriif Inver — 
Jennvt Well, whitt then? 
'lira.' ■jlipii ! Hey ! Why, fath, we may chance 
lo be mnrned, if the old folks a^rec together. 

JcHuy. And suppose 1 won't bo married to 

Tim. Nay, Miss Suck, I can't help It, fioli and 
Mile. But father and mother htd inc come a- 
courting; and if you won't ha' mo, I'll tell father 

Jenny. You are in a woundy hurry, methinlcs. 
Tim. Not I, fath ! Vou may utay as long as — 

£«/er Waiter, 

Wait. There's a wiimaii witltout wants to speak 
with Mr Timothv Gaiette, 

TitH. That's J. I am (Jad on*L Well, Mi^s 
Snck, yoiir wrvunl. You'll think about it ; nml 
let's know your annd when I come Imck. Cod, 
I don't care whether she like** me or no. I don't 
like her half so well ui ftlally Pcngrouic-^^ 
Well, your servant. Miss Suck. 

[Eait Tim. 




Jenny. Wns there ever sucl> an unlitked ciiXi ! 
I Cim'c think hU fortune a sufiicient reward for 
Mi<Ti6cing my jierson to such a boobjr ; hut as he 
ha» money cnou{:h, it sbnll ^o hard but I p1cH>>e 
myself: I fear I was a little tno backward with 
my geiitlcnian ; but, however, a favniirable an- 
swer to his labt question will soon settle matters. 

Enffr Jenkins. 

Jen. Now, Jenny, what news, child ? Are 
things fixed ? arc you ready for the nuptial 

Jenny. We arc in a fair way : I thought to 
have quickened my swain's advances by a little 
nffccted coynesf*, hut the trap would not take : I 
expert him back in a minute, and then leave it 
to my maunjicnif nt. 

Jen. Where is hefsone? 

Jenny. The drawer called him to some wo- 

Jeii. Woman! he neither knows, nnr is known, 
by any body here. What can this mean? No 
rnunter-plnt ? But, pox, that's impossible ! You 
have not hinbbrd, Jenny ? 

Jfnny. My interest would pre\-ent me. 

Jeti. Upon that security any woman may, I 
iliink, be trusted. I must after him, though. 


Jenny. T know the time when Jenkins would 
not jiavc left me so hastily. Heigh ho ! 

Enter Hartop as §tR Pcnl'rious, andSiv. 
GRtooar Gazctte. 

Har. And so, you knight, says he you 

Inow, kntf^ht, what losv dogs the miaisters were, 
flien: how docs your pot — a pnt, you, that they 
put over the tire to boil broth and roettt in — ^yon 
liiive Aeen a put, you knight? how does your pot 
b.>il thew troublesoine times? hey you ! £cod, 
1I1V lord, says he, I don't know, I sfldom go into 
)>'y kitchen. A kitchen, you knight, is a place 
"fierc thiy dress victuais, roast and boil, and so 
(■(irth : VjCiiA, says he, I seldom go into the kitch- 
en — But I suppose, the scum is uppermost still ! 
Ih;y, you kiiiplit ! what, ccod, hey? But where's 
your son, sir Grfftory ? 

■Sir Gre. GoimI now, pood now Where is 

I'jtn, Miss Sukey ? lack-u-day ! what is become 
of Tim ? 

Jenny. Gone out a tiny bit ; he'll be here pre- 

.^r Gre. Wonderful ! good now, good now ! 

Wei!, and how, Miss Sukey has Tim? has 

he, well ? and what, you have — wonderful \ 

Enter a Servant, with a letter. 

Scr. Sir, 1 was commanded to deliver this in- 
to MKir own hands, by Mr Jenkins. 

ilur. I Icy. you ! what, a tetter ? ecod so ! 

I n-v^er, you ? hey ? ■ ■ 

Her. None, sir. 

Sh Gre. Lock-a-day, sir Penurious is busy 
Well, ini«s and did Tim do the thinp? did he 
please ynii ? Coute now, tell us the whole story : 
wonderful ! rare news for dame Wimiy ! lis, 
Tim's father's own son ! But come, whisper — 

liar. ' I have only time to (c|l yuu, that your 
Rrhciiic is blasted : ' this instant I encountered 
Mrs Penelope Trifle, with her niece ; they will 
soon l« with you.' So, then, all is urer; hut let 
us t-ee what expedition will do' ■ Well, you 

kniiiht, hey ? what, have they settled ?— Is the 
girl ivjllinp? 

Sir Gre. Good now, good now ! right as my 
leg! ah, Tim, little did I think— But, lack-a- 
day, I wonder where the boy is I let us seek 

Bar. Agreed, you knight ; hey, come. 

Enter Jenkins. 

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day, here's ISIr Jenkins. 

Good now, have you seen Tim ? 

Jen. Your curioMty shall be immediately n- 
ttsticd ; but I must first have a word with sir 

Hfir. Well you! what, hey? — any newi. 


Jen. Better than yon could hope ; }'our rival 
is disposed of. 

Hor. Disposed of ! how? 
Jen. Married by this time, you rogoc! — The 
woniRu that wanted him was no other than Mat- 
ly Pcngrouse, who trudjjed it up all the way af- 
ter hini, as Tim says -. I have recommended them 
to my chaplain, and before this the bustnesi ii 

Har. Bravissimo, you rogue ! but bow sblll I 
get off with the knight ? 

Jen. Nav, that must be your contnTance. 
Hur. I have it — Suppose I was to own ibe 
whole desii^n to sir Gregory, as oar plan has not 
succeeded with his son ; and, aa lie seems to 
have a tolerable regard for roe, it is ponUe 
he may assist my scheme on sir Penurious. 

Jen. Tis worth trying, however. Bat be 

Sir Gre. Well, good now, Mr Jenkhu, htre 
yuu seen Tim ? I can't think where the ba;^ 

Hur. *Tis now time, sir Gregory, toMtToo 
clear witli respect to some particulars* I am no 
longer sir Penutious Trifle, but your friciid uA 
relation, Jack Hartop. 

Sir Gre. Wonderful ! good now, good oo*, 
cousin Hartop ! as J am a living mma—hej'~~ 
Well, but, good now I how, Mr Jenkins, her? 

Jen. The story, sir Gregory, is rathn- too )u(< 
to tell you now : but in two words — my fncM 
Hartop has very long' had a posuon for Afin 
Trifle, and was apprehensive your son's appBo" 
tion would destroy his views — which in order ti 
defeat, he assumed the character of sir Peeorh 
Otis ; but he is so captivated with your iotqirit^ 

Toot ft,] 



*ail fncndihip, that be rather cltooTew lo forego 
his cwa iutercitt, than iiilcrnipi Uic ti^pincMi of 
your son. 

Sir Ore. Wonderful ! goml nnw, fpmi ivm% 
that is kind ! w!ii> cauIiI liavc thought it, ctiitilii 
liartup? l)ick-j-iUy! Well, but wliert'i Tita? 
^^y> {i!*»il >K>w ! auil wliu an you ? 

Jen. Itiis, sir, is Jcniiy, the htmdatairl of (lie 

Sir Grc. Wonderful ! a pe&ttlctit hiissy ) — 
Ah, Ilartup, you itre it wag ! n pitc of Y'>ur (xtts, 
and your roval nakf, ! lack-ft-<lnv, who coulil ha' 

thoasUl— ^ -uli, Jeiiny, you're u — But ultcfc's 


Eater Rtn Gnzoour's lervant 
Sirr. Woutxls, master! iiercr stir iiiive Ifinn^- 

tcr Tioi hA» lui j;onc uiid iiuifr>i:d Mully Vea- 


Sir Grt. WoiidRrfiil \ how, fiirrati, Itow ! frond 

BOW, p»^\ uuw, c(iu«in llnrtop — M»tly I'cii- 

iroa^ ! Who tlic fli'tLcn^ in b!u- ; 
Str. Usftter iiinoiJiv's swecthcurt in Curn- 

Sir Ore. And how cKiui: *he here? IncL-n- 
davi cousin! 
&r. Slic cnimp(>f) it up after muster. Miistcr 

itliy i» wittii>ut, ngrtd .layn »s hotv tlicy be 
ied. i 

^r Atfned. i wnnteil hun lt> oiuic tu, but he's 
tfrwd Tnu'U kjiucl'o dowu. 

Sir Gt€. Knuck'u down ! Good now, let me 
coax at him ! I'll — ah, roi^uc ! LacL-a-day, cuu- 
Bii, show tuc where lie is ! I'll— ^ 

Mar. Moderate your fury, good sir Gregory; 
coittid^, it IS lui e<ril without n remedy. 

Sir Grt. But Mhnt trill Dame Wiiiny <uiy? 
Good now, such a diitpnrAgciiicQt co — aod, tlicn, 
wbftl mil kir Penurinus sny ? lack-a-dny. I nm at- 
nosc diftracied 1 And you, you luMtcrly dog ' 

^why did not ynu — I'lJ— oh, eouftiu lUrtup, inu- 
bin Ifnrtop ! ptoA now, i;oo<l iiou' ! 
Hmr. Ut^ar nf, be cilm ; this \-i no xurh «ur- 
pning nuinrr: mc have such iii9tjiuce» in the 
Dcwmpcn c«-cry dny. 

Sir Grt. Oiiod now ! no cousin, no. 
Si»r. Indeed, «ir Gri-gory, it vin% tmt last 
wccfc that lord Lofty 's son mnrried his inutbcr's 
nnad; aad lady tktty rnm-Brd nia away, not a 
BKMlh mo, with her uncle's butlvr. 

Sir Grt. Wonderful! what, in the news? — 
Good BOW, that's Mine comfort, luiwevcr; but 

what will sir Pcourtous 

liar. As to that, leave hiiu to nic ; I hai'C a 
pfojcd to pn-vcat his lau;;hing nt you, I'll war- 

Mr Cre. fiut how ? bow, cousin Harlop, 

7«r. Sir Gregory, do you tlunk me your 

!jir Grt. Lack-a-dny! ay, couiiu, uy. 
//at. And wrjuM ynu, in return, serve tnc in a 
Dcc that can't iitjurc yourself f 

&r Gre. Good now, to be sure, couvin. 

Har. Will you, thru, ftennti ntc to assume i 
the licurc of your stin, und so pay my nddrcsftcs" 
to Miss TriflL-? I was pretty happv in tlit- iiiiita- ■ 
lion of her fntlier; aud if I cituld iinpr)<;e upnn 
your sagacity, I shall 5nd less dilticulty widi 
your brother koii^ht. 

Sir Grr.. Good now, Tim I all, you could not 
touch Tim. 

Hitr. I Marraut yao. But, see, theyoan<;gcn< 

Sir Grc. AU, Tim, Tim! liitlc did I Good 

ilOtr, good now ! 

'Jim, I could not help il now, £uh end snip: 
but if you'll furgivc mo this time, 1*11 never do so 
ao more. 

.Sir Gff. Well, well, if thee nin'*t furpivcihv- 
v)f, I C11II fiirgiic iliee; but ttinuk my couun 

Har. Oh, sir ! If you are sntisfied, I am re- 
warded. I w ish ynu jny ; jay to you^ child ! 

Tim. ThniiLt, cuumu lUirtup. 

Enter Wuiter. 

Wait. Sir, Mrs Penelope Trifle, withlicrnipre, 
beiiif; come lo lowu, mid hraniiu yt>ur wurship 
was in the houst. would be glud Vj pay yuu their 

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day ! wonderful ! here we 
arc nil Mjosy-iurvt-y fi(;uiii ! What can be done 
now. cousin Ilartop ? 

Hur. Did: ! slmw the ladies in here; but de- 
lay them a little. The IuiLil-sI intidrnt in tij« 
world, *ir Gnjgory ! If you'll U: kind enough m 
lend jcdkiiift your drtss, nnd Slniter Tiinolhy 
will lend me his, I'll make up mattur^ in a m<i- 

Sir Gre. Ay, oy, cousin. 

Tim. Path and sole, you shall hare mine 

Har. No, no ! Step into the next room a mi- 
nute, sir Gr^ory. 

Sir Cre. Aye, aye, wliere tom mIU. 

71m. FaiUi,'hcrc will be choice sport. 


Eater Mns pEitrtOPc and .Stca, wi74 

Wait. The gentleman will wait im you present- 
ly. Would vou choo*c any rcfr(»hinrnr ? 

Suek. A draught of ale, friend, for I aiQ main 

Mrs Pen. Fic, fie, niece ! is that liouor for a 
youQR lady? Don't dispurage vour family and 
breeding. The person is to be born tluit erir 
saw ine touch any thing stronger tlian water till 
I ivas tliiec-and twenty. 

Suik. Troth, aunt, that i« so Ion? ago, that I 
tliiuk there's few people alire w!io caii remem- 
ber what you did, then. 




Jkfn Pen. Haw, gilinirl ? noiic of your fl«rs ! 
I am i;lu(l licrr's a hu*'band coining; that will take 

JDU down ; Vmir iiiiitnnns ! Yqu art* grown loo 
eadslrini'i and rti!»»«.t for me. 
Suck, (iacl, I Iteltei-c yon would be glad to he 
^lakt^ down the same way ! 

Mrt Fen, (ill ! you are a pert But, 

frc, vour \o\ct approRchei. Now, Sukcy, be 
careful, child ; None of jrcmr 

Enter oc Sir GaccoaY, anil IlAMtor 

Jea. LAck-a-<!ay. lady '- I rcjo'irc lo see you. 
Womlerfid ! oud your niece ! Tim, the ladies. 

Hor. V<iiirM:n'Ai>l, ntUtrrM ! 1 nrn ^iad to sec 
you, Miw. Suck. [SnlnUs her.] FaiIi lUid sole, 
mistress. Suck's a tine yuun^ woman, mure or 

Suck. Yes I nm well cnonsh, I bclicre. 

Jrit. Rut, lady, wlierc's my brother Trifle ? 
where is ^ir Peiiurinu!. f 

Suck. FaitierSat home, in expectation of you ; 
and aunt and 1 be cotne to town ui make prepn- 

Jea. Ay, womUrfnl ! Hray, Indy, »hall I, good 
nnvf ! crave a word in privnte? Tim, will you 
«od vour sntctticiirt draw back a liltle ? 

Wor. Yes, father. Cume, miss, will you jog a 
lint bit this way? 

iluck. With nil my bcart. 

Jen. Tbcre ik, lady, a wonderful aflfhir hns 
l)np|M.'ned, good now ! Son Tim has fallen in love 
vtith a youtt^ wumnn at hi» utide's, am) *tiA pnrt- 
ly tn preieni bad conM!quci>ces ttwt I am, lack- 
■ day ! so hasty to iiiufch him : and one of my 
men, p<>od now ! lells me that he has seen the 
«euch ^ince mc tuive been in town ; f>he lias fol- 
lowed us here, «urc ns n §un, lady ! if Tim sees 
the girl, he'll never marry your niece. 

Mn I'CH. It ill, indeed, mr Ort;t'ory Ga7«tte, a 
most cnliral conjuncture, and requires the mont 
mature deUbcrntioit. 

Jrn. ncliKration! Uck-a*day, Indy, whilst wc 
delibcratr ihf boy will ht lost. 

Mis l*en. Why, sir (Jregury Gazette, whet 
Oftrntiornriiti nt; drtFrininc 'ipun ? 

Jrn. T^(*k-a-'l«y ! I know but one, 

Mi-i Pen. .Administer vour proposition, sir 
CirfEory GHKlle: yiw wdl liave my cnncur- 
iriut-, sir, in any thing that docs not deit^te 
from the repulntions of conduct ; for it would be 
infj« prcpu*tentu» in nne of my character, to de- 
viulc fnim the strictest attention. 

J*-n. Lack-s-daVr lady ! no soch matter is 

wantetl. Hut, good now ! pould not we tnck llw 
yoMiijr coiiplp t'lCfllii'r directly? your brother 
and 1 have aUcudv a|>recd. 

Mr% prn. Arc lite prerious preliminaries Kt- 
lle<l, Mr Vresnry (Jiwrtte? 

Jfu. Good now '. ma firm as a rock, lady. 

Mr$ Hrn. Why. then, tn prc5cr\T your »nn, 
and Bccumpluli the uuitui between uur families. 

I hit e uu ubjectloDs lo U»e acceleration of their 
nu)>(inl«. provided the child i-» inclined, and a 
miiiibtL-r inity be priKrured. 

Jen. \\'undcrful ! ynu are rery pood, ^ood 
now ! tliere has been one match already in the 
Ikiu^ tn-dny: we may hare the nme parson. 

Here, Tim ! and younif centlewoman \ Well, 

mis!i ! wcKidi-rfiil, and hnw^ has Tun ? hev, bojl 
l^ not 11 miss a line vnui^ lady? 

Har. I'liith mid sole, father, miss isacharmtQC 
miunp woman ; nil red and white, tike Alally — 

Jen. HuhH, Tim ! Welt, and miss, bow does 
niv bny? he's an honest hearty lad? Has be. 
iiHid nnw ! bad the art? Uuw d'ye like hiar 
juuny eeiitlcwiMnan ? 

.Surk. like'n ! well enough, I think. 

Jc'i. Why, ilicn, niies, triih yoor leave, voor 
rnmt and 1. here, Iuul- agreed, if* you are wjlb'n*^, 
to hnvf tb*" weddioz over directly. 

.*iuck. Gad! with nil my heart, htk the 
yxihg man. 

Har. Fnitlt and sole, just as yna pleaw; lo- 
d«v, (it-mniTow, or when you will, more or leai. 

Jen, Goud oijw, cf>od now ! then, get you in 
there; there vou nill tiod one to dn vour bun- 
nev»: wi.nderlul! matters will soon l>c manvctd 
nttbin. Well, Iwdy. this was, good uow. vi kind! 
Lack-anluv ! I verity bclioe if dame WinnywB 
dciiH, that I should Ite ^lad to lead up Micb awh 
ther dnncc with yon, bidy. 

Atn Fen. You are, sir, mmething ton prerspt' 
tntc: Nor would there, did circutustuncn con* 
cur, a!t YOU insinuate, be so absolute a cemtiuir, 
ilmt I, who have rejected so mauy taaicbes. 
should instantnncoucly succumb. 

Jeit. Lflck-a-day, lady, goud now ! I. — 

Mn Pen, No, sir ; ! would have you imimrt- 
ed, that had ncjt Pciiclnpe Trifle mode irreft* 
gable resnlotjtins, she .need not so long have pre- 
scr>i-d tier funiilv sorname. 

JrH. Wonderful ! whv, I wa? onW 

Mrs I'en. Nar hoi tlie tillc n( iady Gaxritt 
wch ri'tiplcndrnt <:hanns or such hcwitchinc;il* 
luruuKMit^, as lo tht^)w me at unce into the am 
of -iir Gregorv. 

Jni. Good now ! who snvs 

Mn Pen. Could wealth,' beauty, or thief o* 
pt'ijor to, pcrhiipi 

Enter Sii a GaboonT, Roccn. ariJTiM. 

'/tin. Yes, indepd. father ; Mr Harinp lw« 
oii't as well as I , and Mr Jenkins got us « |tf* 

Sir Ore. Ihiful ni>w. good now ! a rare owp** 
of iVieiids! H'lt I'll he even with tlwm! iH 
murr iht'tr nuu-kct ! Masicr JcnkinA, yoe bsft 
fobbed nit finely. 

Jrn. Lnck-a-tltiy, what's ibc nuitter «■•■•■ ' 

Sir Gte. Comi', niiut; ; o'lnt* of v(»i!i 
days ! iH>ne of your gtnmbots, ii«>rymir !/»•> 
me : Guud now, good now ! give me ny dotT 






here, tnke jour tawdry trnppin^ ! I hive found 
you out at lust : I'll be no Ioii{;it vciur nntperty. 

Jtn. Wonderful ! miIuU's all thit, lanv ? Good 
Qow, pood now! what's here ! a stage play i 

Sir Orr. Play m*' no plays ; but give me my 
•rig; and your precious frieiiij, my loving cousin, 
piu on the kindred, Icl'n— 

Jen. Good now, good now ! nhat ore tliesc 
folks i mt «ure ua a j^uii, they're mad. 

Sir Gre. M»d ! no, no ; mc are neither mad 
nor fooU : no thanks tn you, lhoMt|;h. 

3fn Pen. What is all thi5: ran you unraTc) 
this pcrple&ity, uutwioe this uiyjtery, sir Grego- 
ry Gaiette ? 

SirOr€. He sir Gregory Cii-«;lte ? Ij*ck-n- 
day, Udy ! yoa arc tricked, impuM-'d upon, bam- 
IxKRleri : Good now, good nov ! 'ti» I am sir 
Gn?)if>rv Gajrltu. 

ilrt'Pem. lluw t 

1^. Faith aod mk, 'tif true, iiustrc<6 ; and I 
an hit Mil Tim, and will swear iL 

Mri Pem. Why, iiti't -Mr Timothy Gazette 
with my niece Susannah Trifle } 

XiM, W lio, me ! Lnrd. no, 'tis none of I ; it i^ 
cousin Hartop iu my cloaliis. 

Air» I*rft. Wliot's tliii? luidpray, v»ho 

Jen. U'hy. as I see tho alniir is concluded, 
you m*y, niadaia, call lue Jenkins Come, llai^ 
cop, yoa may uuw throw olT _<vour dis^mM;; the 
kniffht had like Co haf c emburnused ui. 

iir$ Hrn. How, Mr Jeiikim ! and would yoU; 
■r, partiopaic of a plot to 

Har. Madam, in the iseufl, yotir family will, I 
hnpe, have no ^reat reatton to repent. I tilw:iv« 
tiiid the greatest veneration for Miss IViielope 
lnfle'5 under*>tBndint; ; if the highest etttcem Tor 
her virtue* can entitle me to the bouuur of being 
rcfiarded as her relation — 

Mrs Pen, Sir, I shall dctem>ine oft nothing, 
'till I am apprised of my brotlter'n resolution. 

Har. Vnr that we mu^t waiL Sir Gregory, I 1 
luU'St inlrcnt you and your son's pardon for some 
liule liberties I haTc taken with you b*>lh. Mr 
.Ictikins, I have the higliest olj1i>:ation ta your 
friendAhip; and, niisis whence become a little 
bcTtcr acT]uainied, 1 tlatter myself ttie change 
win lint prove unpleasin;;. 

Sutk. I knmv notliing at all abo'jt it. 

liar. Sir Gregory, we shall liave yoar compie 
iiy at dinner? 

Sir Gre. Lack-a-day ! no, no ; that boy ha4 
spoiled my »toninrh. Come, 'Hm, fetch thy n'l^ 
and let us be joziii"? towanls Wales; but how 
lliou wilt gel ulf witlv Hiy mother 

'lim. Never feor, father 

Since you're been pleased our nuptial knot 

to bless. 
We shall be happy all our lives more or 

le!»9. I 

[Exeunt onutft, ! 







of money and figures, and mvotuntanltf un- 
eanf about kU ton. 

Dick, kit ion, bound to en apothecary, and fond 
of going on the stage. 

Gargle, an apothecary. 

SiMox, servant ^oGarole. 

Catchpol£, a bailiff. 




Charlotte, daughter to Garoli. 

^outing-cbUtf Watchmen, ^c. 
Scene— 'London. 

ACT. I. 

Enter WiNGATE and Siuoh. 

Win. Nat, nay, but I tell you I am convinced 
—I know it is so; and so, fnetid, don't ;nu think 
to trifle with me ; — I know jou're in the plot, you 
Bcoandrel ; and if you don't discover all. 111 — 

5m. Dear heart, sir, you won't give a body 
time. — 

Win. Zookers ! a whole month missing, and 
no accoant of him, far or near ; wounds! 'tis un- 
accountable Look ye, friend, don't you pre- 

Sim. Lord, sir ! you're so main pasuonate, you 
won't let a body speak. 

Wm. Speak out then, and don't stand mutter* 
inc : what a lubberly fellow you nre ! ha, ha ! — 
Why don't you ?peak out, you blockhead ? 

Sim. Lotid, sir, to be sure, the gentleman is a 
fine young gentleman, and a sweet young gentle- 

man — but, lack-arday, sr ! how should I kno* 
any thing of him } 

Wm. ^rrab, T say he could not be 'prentice to 
your master so long, and you live so lot^ in oos 
house with him, without knowii^ his haunts, sod 
all his ways ; and then, variet, what brings joo 
here to my house so often ? 

Sim. My master Gargle and I, sir, are w ub- 
easy about un, that I have been running all ofcr 
the town since morning, to enquire far nn ; tid 
ao ill my way, I thouf^c I might as well csQ 
here — 

Win. A villain, to give his father all tbb CM- 
ble ! and so, you have not beard any thing of biB» 
friend ? 

Sim. Not a word, sir, as I hope for mucf^- 
though, as sure as you are there, I believe I cip 
guess what's come on un. As sare as any ^Mft 
master, the gypsies have gotten held <» un, aiu 
we shall have un come Mne, as thin as a nke. 




like the yavmg prl in (Ke cttj^ with lirtnf; upon 
nothuig but crusb luul watcf for &is-ui(J-twciity 

Wau The Kypics liavo got hpld of him, ye 

Muckbout ! Get out of the room Here, you 


Sim. *!ir? 

H'l*. Where are yaa jcnine in such a Irurry? — 
Lkioc «<«; whnt mu«t be (Iodc? — A ridiculous 
oam»kull, with hi? tlnmncd Cas$iuidcrA and Clop- 
painu and irunipcrv; with hi» romnnccft, nnd 
nib Odyssey Popi-s and a parcel nf rascals not 
worth a enuit — wcarii^ stone buckles, nnd cucL- 
ing ta» hat — 1 ncvi-r wear stone buf^lt^, never 
OMrk Div liat. But, zoukcrs ! Ill nut put myself 
ia a passion. Simon, do you Mcp back to vour 
HMKrr, m» frwnd Oarple, and tell him I want to 
ipeak wiih him — though I don't know wti»i I 
■mUd *rnrt for hini for— a sly, stow, hesitnting 
UocUieod ! he'll only plague utc witli his pliysi- 
Cil oat and hi> iioilm-ilv — Why Hoo't you "yo, 
Jim bkflbv, when [ bid you f 

Sim. Ye^vr. [Erit. 

Win. Thia fellow will he the death of me nt 
iMt; I can't sleep in my bed Miinctimcit for him. 
Aa abfurd, insigiitlicant ruscal — to stand in [ii» 
MM hfhl ! Dnith and fury, ihnt wc can't get 
(Wdren, without hnvm^ a love for tliem ! I ha^fr 
l»m tunnoijing for th*' fellow all tlwr day» of mv 
life, and now the scoiindrers run away — Suppose 
t idverttw the tUv^, and pminiM! a rcwani tti anv 
•nr that can give an account of him— well, but— 
*tiy ibould I throw away my mnney nfcer him ? 
why. u I don't ^y wlmt reward, I mnv pvc 
•hat I plea«e when they come — ny, but if tfie 
fiilain 9ho<ild deceive mr, and huppcn to be 
dead; why, tlieti, l>e tricks me. out of two sliiU 
lia^; nj montfs llunK into the fire. Z'N>kt-^^ ! 
ru not pot myself in a passion; let him fulhtw 
hit noic; '(n nothine at all to me; what care 1 ? 
^^-WImc do you come back fur, friend } 


Sim. As I vBi eoine out, sir, the post came to 
tbe dndr. and hniix^lit this letter. 

U'lft Irt me »oe it Tlie gypsic* have 

t\{ him ! ha, lia ! what a pretty fellow 
j hn, hn*. wliy don't vou step wliere I bid 

ah ? ' 

Stm, Ye*, •ir. [Erif. 

Win. Wfll, wril Pin resolved, and it stmll 

W wo - ru advertise him lit-niurruw ln«^lil^;, 
snd promiie, if he conies home, all shall be fur- 
pirti: and when the hlockhcnd cnincs, I mnv 
do a« 1 please — ha. lui ! I may do as I plensc ! — 
Lrt mr ftce: He had on — a vilvcr-loopcd hat : 1 
a««rrtikCTi tJujscvilf^lvrr-loops — Asfvcr-looped 
bu; and — and^-Sliilikin<t, whnt MgniHc^ what he 
had on? — ru read my Icltrr, nnd think uo more 
ifevitt him. Hey f what a plasire hav« we here? 

I Muttirt to hunsel/^ Bristol- 

-a ^what's alf 

* Esteemed friend, 

* Last was iOih ultimo, unce none of thtm;, 
' whirh will occasion brevity. The reason of my 

* writing to thee at present, it, to uiforni tlice, that 
' thy son came to our plnco with a company of 
' fttiotlrrs, who were taken up by the maf^ii^trate. 
' mid committed, as vjutabouds, tojnji.' — Zt'okeni! 
I'm glad of it — a villain of a fellow ! Let him Ue 
there ' 1 am sorry ihy hd should follow 

* such profane courses ; but, out of the oteem I 
' bear unto thee, I have token Oiy buy out *f con- 
' fineuu-nt, and sent him olf for your dry in ihtt 
' vfOfffta, which li-fl this four days a^o. lie is 

* aii^iied to thy address, being the needful from 

* thy friend and servant, 

* Ebeenef-zok Brdidbbim* 

Wounds ! what did he take the fellow ou! for? 
a fcouudrcl, rascal ! turned staso-player ! — I'll 
nerer see the villnin's face — Who comes there ? 

Enter Simok. 

Sim. I met mv ma.4cr im the way, sir — oar 
cares are over : Here he is, sir. 

iritt. Let him come in — and do yov. eo down 
■tairs, you blockhead. [£ait Siuon. 

Enter CAiiGtz. 

Win. So friend Gargle, here's a fine pierc of 
work — Dick's tnined vacnbi^nd ! 

Gar, He nm«t be pu; binder a proper regimen 
dirccdy, bir: lie arrived at mv boui.c Midiio 
these ten minutes, hut in siic)i n trim ! he't now 
below Htnint; I jadix^d it projKir to te:ive liim 
there, tilt I had prepund you for his rcceptioo. 

Win. Death nnd hre ! whnt couM put it tato 
the villain's head to turn butr<>on/ 

Oar. NoUiing so easily arco'iuted for : Why» 
when he ought to be leadins the dibpeusatury* 
tiicre was he cnostajitly reading over plays and 
fnrri-^, and Sh8kr-^pC)l^f!. 

Mill. Ay, tlwt damned Sh.ike»pfare ! I hear 
the fellow was nnlhinp; hut n dci'r-8t«-alcr in War- 
wicU»ttiirc : Zookcrs ! if they had liHU|;cd him out 
of the way. he would nnt now be the ruin of ho- 
nest men's children, liut wliat rit:ht had lie to 
rend Slinkcspcnre? I never read Shakespeare! 
WuuitH> ! I cau'iht the rascal, myself, reading 
tliiit nonseasirnl piay of Hamkt, « here titc priooe 
is kci'jMng company with strollere and vagatioiMU : 
A fine ck-impic, Mr Garble! 

Gar. His disorder is uf llir malipmnt kind, 
nnd my dHu;;hter lin» taken live infection from 
him— bless my heart! she was as innocent as 
water-gruel, ull he spoilt her. I found her, thv 
other mfjiiif in the very facts 




Win. Zookers ! you doi^t say ao?— caugbt ber 
in the fact ! 

Gar. Ay, ia the verj fact of reading a play- 
book in bed. 

Km. (), is that the factyoa mean? Is that 
all i though that's bad enough. 

Gar. But I have done for ray yoane madam : 
I have confiaed her to her room, and locked up 
all lier books. 

Win. Look ye, friend Gaivie, Fll never see 
the villaiu's face : Let him foUovr lus nose, and 
bite the bridle. 

Gar. Lenitives, Mr Wingatc, lenidves are 
properest at present: His habit requires gende 
alteratives E but leave hiro to my management ; 
about twenty ounces of blood, with a cephalic 
tincture, and he may do very well. 

Win. Where is the scoundrel ? 

Gar. Dear sir, moderate your anger, and don't 
use such harsh language. 

Win. Harsh language '. Wh^, do you think, 
man, I'd call him a scoundrel, if I had not a re- 
gard for bimi You don't hear me call a stranger 
a scoundrel t 

Gar. Dear sir, he may still do very well ; the 
boy has very good sentiments. 

Win. Sentiment ! a fig for sentiment ! let him 
get money, and never miss an opportunity — I n^ 
ver missed an opportunity ; got up at five in the 
morning; struck n light; made my own fire; 
worked my finger's ciids; and this vagabond of a 
fellow is going his own way — with all my heart; 
what care I? lei him follow his nose; let him 
follow his nose — a ridiculous 

Gar. Ay, ridiculous, indeed, sir — Why, for a 
k>np time past, he could not converse in the Ian- 
^i^e of common sense. Ask him but a trivial 
questicH), and he'd give some cramp answer out 
of some of his plays thai had been running in his 
head, and so there's no uoderstandlug a word he 

irin. Zookers ! this comes of his keeping com- 
pany with wits, and be damned to them for wits, 
ha, ha! Wits ! a tine thine indeed, ha, ha ! Tis 
the most beggariy, rascal^, contemptible thing 
on earth ! 

Gar. And then, sir, I have found out that he 
went three times a-weck to a spoti ting-club. 

Win. A spouttog-club, friend Gargle! What's 
a mouting-cluh? 

Gar. A meeting of 'prentiras and clerics, and 
giddy young men, intoxicated with plays ; and so 
they meet in public-bouses to act speeches; there 
they all neglect business, despise the advice of 
their friends, and think of nothing but to become 

Win. You don't say so ! — -a spoutiug^club ! 
wounds I I beiirve they are all mud. 

Gar. Ay, mad indeed, sir: Madness is occa- 
sioned ill a very extraordinary manner ; the spi- 
rits flowing in particular chaiuieb— 


Win. "Sdeatfa, you*re as mad younelf as any of 

Gar. And continuing to ran in the same 
ducts — 

Win. Ducks ! Damn your docks ! — ^Who^ be- 
low there ? 

Gar. The texture of the brain berooies (fisor* 
dcred, and — [Wingate walks about unenilif, 
and Gabgle /'o/^i.]— -thus, by the pressure oo 
the nerves, the head is disturbed, and so jonr 
son's malady is ccmtracted. — 

Win, Wbo's without there ?— Don't pUgw ne 
so, man. 

Gar. Bot I shall alter the morbid state ef the 
juices, correct his blood, and produce laydable 

'}Vin, Zookers, friend Oarg^, doo*t tene asa 
so ; don't plague me with your pbysicat nonsensa 
—Wbo's below there? Tell that fellow to come 

Gar. Dear sir, be a little cool — Inflamma- 
tories may be dangerous. Do^ W» ''''> Oi^od^ 
rate your passions. 

Ifln. Prithee, he quiet, man — HI t|j whit I 
can do— Here he comes. 

Enter Dick, 

Dick. Now, my good father, wkmft the met* 

Win. So, friend, you have been upon your tn> 
vels, have you i You have had your frolic f Look 
ye, young man, I'll not put myself in a passioB! 
Uut, death and fire, you scoundrel, what ligbl 
have you to plngue ine iu this numner i Do yoa 
think I must faO in love with your face, becaas 
I am your father? 

Di^ A tittle more than kin, amd lea tha 

Win. Ha, ha ! what a pret^ figure jon cat 
now ! ha, ha ! — why don't you speu, yoa blod* 
head ? Have you nothing to say for yourself? 

Dick. Nothing to say for yourself! — Wbatn 
old pHg-it is! 

Wtn. MiuH rae, friend — I have found yoo out; 
I see you'll never come to sood. Turn sugp* 

E layer I Wounds ! you'll not nave an eye in foor 
ead in a month, ha, ha ! youll hafc mai 
knorkcd out of the sockets with withered qifilMf 
remi'iuber I tell you so. 

Dick. A critic too ! [Whistlea.] Well doK^ 
old Square-toes ! 

Win. Look ye, young man ; take notice of whit 
I say: I made my own fortune, and Z coold^ 
the same again. Wounds I if I were placed at 
the bottom of Chancery-lane, with a bnidi Md 
black-ball, I'd make my own fortune affjn—jt^ 
read Shakespeare ! — Get Cocker*s ArithmMic; 
you may buy it for a shilling on any atalt— bttf 
book tliat ever was wrote. 

Dick. Pretty well, that; ingeoiou!^ faitb!^ 




Egad, the oU fellow hat s pretty Dotioa of \tU 

Win. Cm Toa tell how much is fivc-CM;hth9of 
ihree-fliiiecnUKufafinund ? Five-ritrbthsut' ihntc 
mCMniht of B poumi. Ay, »y, 1 sm.* vou're a 
bfodkfatad ; look ye, yiuii|E nuin, tl' vmi have a 
taisd >o thrive in lius world, stmlv ^l('irc^. nnt) 
make TOuncIt' usAfiil ; make ynurwiru-scrul. 

Dick. Hmt we&ry^ ttole,fiat, and $tnprofitabU, 
Iftm to mr ult the vsri of'thii aorlJ / 

H'ln. Mtnd ilw •■mimtlrcl iwnv- 

Oor. V^K Mr Wiiipafc, iet mc speak tn him — 
•oftly, softly ; I'll touch hiin gently : Cuinc, cntnc, 
yoniif; tnnn, iny a«ido this sulky humour, and 
^penlt as bei-oine» a soil. 

Dick. O Jffrtha, jtuts' o/hraelj what a trta- 
turr htuht thou ! 

Win. WInt docs the fellow sat? 

Our, Wv rcli-iils, sir. Coin«, camr, ^oun 

man, he'll fontiw ■ 

Dick Tkty fool me to the top iff mt/ hfmt- 

Gad. I'll hum *ein tu ^et ml of Viu — a truant 
diafomtrnftiy good my lord — No, ao. Htnv, tltut's 
aoc Hghi; I nave a hen«r spr^h— if u tu you 
My; whem ue are tober, and rrjUct but rvtr so 
itttle on our /oilin, wt are a^amed and ittrrt/ ; 
amd yet, the xery next m'mtUCt a^ ruih u^a^n 
imta the rtry tttme abmrilititt, 

W»M. Well Mid, lail, well laid! mind me. 
(nvwi : CorniiiAiitlinf; our own pasaioQ% anil art- 
fully taking advailtaea of oCfaer peoples, is tbc 
MK nnd 10 wealth : Dcatli and fini ! but 1 
woo't put myvtlf in a posvon: Tis my regard 
hxr you makes mc spciik ; and if I tdJ you yuu'rv 
a soiujulrri, 'li>i for voiir K'xid. 

I>kk. ^^tthuuc doubt, sir. [SititUag a iantih. 
Wia. U you want any thing, vuu sluiil be pro- 
rWed : have- you miv money in your pocket? 
Ita. ha ! uliai u niliruioutuuutskull you are now \ 
ha, h« ! C'oTue, htre's ton>e iwmt-y fur >oii — 
\ Pulls out ku money, and Utoksatit.^ I'll ^i\c 
tt to ymj tuMtlicr time; atid w vuu'll mind nhac 
I «y ID you, and make yuurself umIuI fur tlic 

Okk. C/k^ Vihertfort breathe Una Christum 

Win. Zookm! you blockhead, TOu'd liciier 
«ciclc tu your hti^ineu, iiiia turn hu^mn, nod i;et 
cmndMOM broke upwi your arm, and hti lutn- 
b U li ^ wpcwi carfMrt». 

DieJk. / thai/ III afi my hfst <>bty you, tir. 
Wm. Vety welt, friifiid; very wtUI w\id— — you 
Mf <ta rery well if you pIvuM;; atid m> I'll My 
••m-ireta yoii, btit m.ike y<*un)clf oseful; and 
«a DOW, go and dean yom-Klf, iind make ready u> 
(D hoiac tu your buatucas; ami mind me, yoan^ 
mtm, Ult tna wv ici mure play-books, and let mt: 
MCWr (Snd that yoq vwnr a Inced waistcoHt — you 
veomidrel, what riulic have yuu to wear a liux'd 
^waKiaa*t I never wore »'. i.iccd waistoniC: ue- 
^ vvT wmv WW oU I wat tu ny. But I'U not put 

myself in « paisioa; 

Dick. I ihall, iiir- 

Go and change your drcssi 

/ nmit he rrwf/, onfy (e be kind : 

Thus bad hegttu, but s.-orse reaiuins behUd. 

Cocker's Arithmetic, sir? 

Win, Ay,Cuckpr'i) Artihmciic. Study iigurei,] 
and they'll i-arry you throuuh the world. 

Dick. Yes, sir, [Stifimg a laugh] Cockerli i 
Arithmetic ! \ kul Diet, 

Win, Ijct liim miiiti me, friend (jurgle, aiiil 
I'll make a luau uC tiioi. 

Gar, Ay, air, you know the world- The youns; 
niiin will do utv well. I widi \w were out tii \ 
his tliiie; Ite shall llien tuiie my dimjthtrr. 

Win. Yes, hut I'll touch ihu c:uh — he shan't 
AntM it during my life I mu»t kL>cfi it linht 
Ittad owr him. fCtufJ lo the liour.] Un ye hear, 
friem! f .Mind vvlmt 1 vty, nitd pt limne to yimr 
huniiien immediutely. Friend Ourt;le, I'll uiuko 
a man of him 

Enter Dif K. 

Dick. Who eaiUd on Achtntt ? Did not Eur- 
barosta r^ifHtir mf krrt f 

Win. \\ hiit'.s iIm: iiuittrr now? &iro»sa* 

VVounda ! VMiiitV Uukism? Does the fvllow call 
tne nauKs? Whiit niiikcn the blocklicad acuud m 
sufh confusion? 

Dick. That llarbarosm sttMild tUMpcct uy 
truth .' 

Win. The fellow's «t«rk stnrintE mod ! Get out 
of liie routn f you villain, eel iwi of the roum ! 

[UiCk atuiid* ifi a iufUn itNitMl. 

Gnr, Come, c nuc, youiv* uinn, eiery tluoj 15 
L*a&y; diui'l spoil all u£uin. Cio iikI cjuuiue yoor 
drc>», and cmnc lioiiu: to your husiuON — cuy, 
nov. be nik-d by me. f T*''!'*/* him of)'. 

Win. Vwx very percmpt'try, fn«nd < iari:le ; if 
he vckC!* ini' once iui«re, I'll hiue iiottmi^ to say 
to hJui. Well, but now i think of it, 1 have 
Cficker's arithmetic below stnirs in the couiitmK- 
iioii.<ie : 111 Mep nnd i^et it for him, aud w) ho 
shall lake it home wiiU him. Frieud Carnlei 
yiMir •«ervnnt. 

Gar. Mr Winpite. a cood evening to yon; 
you'll send biut hutne to hts b^tuneM. 

Wia. He shall full«<WTou home dtrM?tIv. Five- 
erghthn of tlin-ixiixteeiilhit of a pound ! Multiply 
ihf.- uuuieniuir by the denonniiiKor ; livetitiir* 
tixtccn is ten Utnes ci;:hi, icti times fiJu ig 
eighty, »nd a — u — turry one. \^iUit. 

Enter DirK nnd^tMOS. 

Sim. I^rd love yc, masitr — I'm vt eM you're 
ocniu linck — (Jiiuic, mr laid us eoud e'en (ui>t 
home to my umstcr Gargle 's - 




Dirk. No, no, Simon, stay « momcDt ; this it 
l>m a w.ur\y totit I have on, and 1 knoi* mv fa- 
ther hu*. fti«ayit N>in«' jemmy llimi: lorled tip m 
htrt rlrnet. I Lnn»\ his ways; ht fakes tliciii in 
imwi), tor he'll ne»'er \MTX with u shilliug without 

iMM. Iltifrh ! he*ll hi-ar uv S(ajr, 1 believe he's 
coining up stairs 

Dirk. }Omt In the itoor, and fiMlm$.] No, im. 
no; he's i;iiiiic thmii. enmlinonnd pruiiibtitir — 
I KY. f^y je 911, MLHiitdrel. niMftI ! Iri him bite 
lltt" liriitii' — Six iiinr'« tuclvt is iwveiilK-lwn. — 
All'h Bitio, ninti, never frnr him; do ytm stuid 
htre, 1 5hnll ili^iptitch lhi^ hovincss in a crack. 

Sim. Htrs^iiis^ on tiim ! whnt is h« about nu«' ? 
Vhy. Ihe door id Iwied, mni-ter. 

iJiVA. A_v, litiE 1 c«n en-ily force the lock ; 
urni fJinll Rw mp do it as well as any wr J"hn 
Brute uf lhc«» nil ; thi«> right lop licre is tlie be»l 
Jocksmilh itt Ktiglawl — ho, so! [Fcrcci the door, 
en<! fiOrs in.] 

.Sow. Ile'h at Kit plays asain. Odds mj heart, 
hc'ft u Hire Imnil ! nc-'l'l go thrmi^h with it, I'll 
varmnt hini ! Old Cojer must nut aniukc that I 
hove any nmrern. I mubt be main cautious — 
].4inJ bIcM hiK hcBi't 1 heV to (cndi une to act 
Scrub. He beeuit with mc Ioiik npo. and I cot 
as t*ar »>» tin- Jesuit, before a went out of tiwn : 
— Scrub! (.'omtng, «>, Jjn-tt, mnam, I 're a 
vhofe jmekrt J'uti of' neus — soMte *uy one thhifi, 
and same ut^ tinot her ; hut, /or t/ii/ part, imam 
— / Iv/ircr fir's a Jrsttit,' — lliut'& maio pleasant 
— i btlicve hrt o Jctuit. 

Pick. T hate t/one the dttd—D'ultt thtmnol 
ftr«r It Hoitf y 

Sim. No, master ; we'fr nil snuR, 

Dirk. Thin cttni will df> rhamiingly ! I liavr 
bilked the old fellow nicely! — In a dark corvrr 
nf hit cat^iiflt I Jouiid thta paper; uhtit it it 
tfif fif^ht rritf thnv, 

' I promise to pay' — ha ! — 

• I promiv.' tn liny Ut Mr Moiicvlrap, or order, 
on demand*— ■"lis liis hand, a note of his; i/et mure 
— the sirm of seven pijuiid* fourteen tJnllio)^ 
nrtd sevenpcnrc, vahie rrceived by me.' — Lnn- 
don, tins I.^lh June, 1753— '"/Vi unntinf^ tchtil 
nhobldjotioa! ; his nnme should follow, but 'ci» 
torn off — bemow ihc note is pnid. 

Sim. <) r^tnil DcMir sir, you'll spoil all— — 

I «ish VkC i*erc well out of the houie Our 

be^t wuy, ntasfcr, is to make niTdiicctly. 

Dirh. 1 will, I nill; but tir4i Fielp me on with 
thill Clint; Simon, yon »hall beuiy dresser; youll 
be fine and hoppv I'liiind the K'enes. — 

Smt. n 1 Old '. it Kill be niuii) plea^nt ; t hiivc 
Wen hcliind the scenes in the counirv, when I 
liiTd with tiip man ihnt "slicwrd wild bcnsiices. 

Dirk. IJarLV, Simun ; vfhen I am playing Koiiir 
deep tragedy^ and cUnze tke gCHtroi car ui(h 

horrid tpttth, you must stand between the bcencs* 
and cry bitterly. 


Sim. Ye*, sir. 

Dtek. And when I'm plnyrni; coniMly. you 
must be rcadv to lauf^h your cutA out, J Tc«fhes 
him.] fur 1 slnill l>e very pleasant — ^I'oulcroU — 

Sim. N ever doubt me, wr.- ■ 

Dick. Vary welt; mm mo down M)d open 
the street-door; I'll follow yon in a cmck. 

Sim. I nm gone to *cr*'c you, master' 

Dick. Til Mrrvr thi/telf for, lookV, SimoD) 

when I am n iminagcr, claim thou of mc the rare 
of the nnrdnibe, with all lliosc tnoveabl«l, 
whcfcof the prap^^riy-mon now stands po^ 

S>M. O Ijjd ! tiiis is charming— Uuih I I am 
gone. [Cota;. 

Dirh. Well, but tmrk'e, Simon, rome hiiber ; 
tthat tiume^ have tftut aboat yoitt Sdatter Mah 

Sirp. Dot a tester, -ir. 

Dick. A letter! That'* somethii^ of tJ* 

IruM, Master Matthew ; lel'it >ce it. 

.Sim. Vou hn»c liod fifteen sixpence* i»ow-^ 

Dick. Never niiitd that, I'll pay you all at ui 

Siw. I don't doubt ilifli, maHcr ■ - but moni. 


Dirk. Thtttfar ttt ruv b^/'are ihe wiad. An 
Ei;K>iliei-urv! uiuke an apothecary of mc ! — wlat! 
cramp my i:enitis over a pestle nod mortar, or 
mew me up in a shop, with an nlligator wutt, 
niifl n l>*'Ei;nrly uecouot of empiyUnCi! — tob« 
culhuti: ^inptes. nod constantly nddine to Uiff 
hilts uf murtulity ! — N'o, utt ! It nill tie much bet- 
ter to be postwl op in eapital*, ' 'Hie part rf 

* itomcn, bya young ccniltniDii, who iicscx ilf 

* peared on any siuae btfort !' My oniblioB 

fires at tlie tluiuchi Hut hold— inayi>'i I 

nm fcomc chamf. of tailiiu; in tnv attempt — biw- 
ed — pclU'd — lauiihed at— not admiiied ioiii ilw 

Oreciv-room 1 hat will never il<j— ■ D«««, 

biiu/ drtni, dotf n .' Joh-rt f — Try 1 1 a^ai li : — loved In 
liic women, envied by the men, applnudcd hj 
llic pit, clap|icd by llic cidlcry, oiliuired hj tb« 
br»xc9. Dear colonel, i% not he n elmiinine crt*- 
turt ? My lord, don't you like liioi uf all thuifci ■— 
Makes lu\e like au anf^el I — What an eve lirliai' 

— tine Ice* ! — I'll certainly 50 to hi" benefit. 

Ccle»liiil soundh! And, thru, I'll |;ct in "iii 

all ihc painters, and have toyself put up ■ 
every print-iJwp-^— ia the elaracter of AUc 
brth ! 'i'hii is a tuny Might. [Standi in mn ^tf 
tude.'X In llic chamcier of iticliard, Gm wt 

nnother fnirsf .' bind Bp my ipohnijs .' ihr* "iJ 

do ninly — luid, then, 1 Iihvp a diaix-e <if K«H*( 

well married - U pli(riou« ihoug hi .' -Bf 

hnnrn I «■»// mini/ i/,, thtm^h l/ut in t'omry^ 
But, wlwt'* o'doclt?— — It uiuM, be nlnwst waf- 




rU Bway m once; t)n9 ii rlub-nieht.— 'Bjnd Ptl 
p to ifaem (or a xrliiift — the upourcr* nrc nil met 
— Iiitl< they lliuik I'm in tu»ri — tlifjr'll be »ur- 
prrjcd to k* itic — Off I gn, und. thvn, fur my aa- 

HpwtKM) with iiiv mii^tcr (iHr|>lo% Haitgliter 

not Cterloite !^bc'& locked up, but I biioll 

find mcons to settle mnttfrrt for her Mcape—- — 

She's a pretty tJicatriciil f>oniu9 If sin- Hie^ 

tniiiyaniU), like u Imvrk U.> ibt perch, if will Itv m> 
rare BD ii>ctrcnc(ire, niift m dmmatic an incident i 
— Lirubt, do your ofHcf, and tupporl me tttU ; bear 
mc Iml to her, ikcn Jail utf if i/ou can ! [Kxtl. 

ACT n. 

SCENE T. — DUctrverM the tpouting-dub^ the 
memher$ teated, and roarin/; out Bravo/ tehile i 
tme *tandt at a Hinlai'TC rrpeattng 

In &f fra. Cinrd be your 3rmote, curted your 
amititvtt0» ! 'Vbc rMr«r of growing jiicliouM und 
Wtltiani ttiUves yoHr rounciUf 

9^ i\(rm. Don't you thiak. his nctiun a liule 
niintd f 

\M kiem. Pfhi ! Tou btocLhcad ! don't ywi 
imm tiMC I'm id chains ^ 

id Mm. Blockbe*d, say ye i — vma not I the 
finnkmt took cmapasbion uo yo<L, wlit-n you lay 
Ukt n MHMkini; fellow umlcr thr counter, and 
t your maVcr'4 sliiiji ill a morning f when 
I'cead DOtJiing but the Voung Man's Puckei 
niont ortfae True CIcrk't \'a(le Mcvam f 
1 inic CliruiuMiJtoiuntlmlogos iu your 

JIL Bnvo. bnivo ! — 

Pre. Co(n«. e*"''*^**'*, Irt tii Imve nn Hi*- 
MMs. ConnidpT, genilcmen, lliu is tlii> h<i- 
' : Mcicty ot'tpoutcrs; and w, to put nv 
t all onitiKuitin, read tbe sct'cnth rule of 

»IM ktem. 

A ISriHln-r Reads. 

' TImK buMnCfts, or unnt of money. hIiuII not 
' be rcoeivcd at an excuse for nou-atccn dance ; 
' BOr tlie KOfier of puTrnti, or other relation;) ; nnr 

ifir romplnintx oi'our uia^lfnt bo ever hrunJ ; 
'btwhini raeaoi) this society will be able tn 
' UiaM iu tnra mimic hemes, and be a nur- 
'«ry of young actorliii(;« for tiie Htaec, in 
oi the meclianic genius of our friends.' 

Pre. Tliat i$ not tbe rule I mean; but come 

v^U JUi « HmoMHre the tabic round nv«- 

/o»dd*g<$tion Kott on appttite, and tuaUh o'» 

AIL Huiza. hitoa, huzza i r- 

Pre Come, eeatletncti, let us have no quarrels. 
^.^tt llnaasbuaa! 

rfdh. Cotae, now. 111 cce vou a touch 01 


lit Mem. Tttac will be rare ! Cutne let's have 

&.4tek. Whu (lo'st lc«r at, mon^— I have lucJ 
ancUe upfauue at Kdmburjh, uhrn I cnactc'i 
tu iha Kanfioeede; anil I iiow inU'iid t<t il< 
Hirfcwrii r saw tbe degger yv^crncctr oud 1 

r thought I should ba' Willed (hcry one that 
came in my way ! 

Intfi. Stand out of the wnr* luHs. and you'll 
I -cc nie give a touch of Othello, my dtar-^— 
\Taket the cork and burns it, aud hlncki bit 
filer,] The devil bum the cork 1 it would nut d(l 
it fiiAt riii)ni>h. 

Ut Mrm. Here, here; I'll lend yon a helping 
hand. — [Hinckt Aim.J \Kouckinf; at the diMtr. 
'id Mcui. Open lockx, mhoeiKr knoeki. 

Enter DfCK. 

Dick. Haw noa^ ye teeret, black, and miJniitfit 
bagi y o'fial itt v* do ^ 

AU. Ha ! TItc genius come to town — Uazza, 
huzia! lite iieutus 

Dick. i/oB' fare tbe lumett partnen of my 

heart Y Jack Hnpefcrs, eive us your Hand 

GHiIde$uterrL, youri — ila ! Hmmcranfa — Gen- 
t/rmrny I rejoice to tee ye — But come, the news 
|}>c nrws of the town! Has any Ihiii^ heen 
damned? Any new pcrfonners this winter? Jlow 
often has Romeo and Juliet been acted ? Coiuc, 
uiy bucks inform me; 1 want news. 

1a/ Mtrni. Vtni shall know uU m pmii tinio: 
but, prithee, my di-nr boy, liow was it? Voa 
ptiiye<l at Uristol ; let's hear. 

'2d Mem. Ay ; let's have it, ttear Diclc. 

Duk. Look ye there, now — Ltt'tbave i<, dew- 
boy, and dew Dick. 

ist Mem. Nay, nay; but how was you recei- 
ved ? 

DirAr. Romeo was my part — I touched their 
soul* for them; every pale face from tbe wells 
was there, und so on 1 went — but rot thcin. ne- 
ver mind them — What bloody icene Ati$ lioscius 
now to act t 

Ui Metn. Several thinr^; but. Genius why 
did you come to us so late ? Why did not you 
coine ill the bcgiiminK of the nii^bt? 

l)ick. Why, I nitcndcil it: but nlio should I 
rneet ill my way but mv friend L'atcatt, adctiltsh 
'jotid tnlic; and mi he and I went I0!>ether, and 
had tmr piftes tu rtuu tbe orifice of the ifowttcA. 
jok knotc ; and what do you tliink ( learned ut' 

Ut Mem. t cnn'i any. 

•Dick. fan you tell, now, whether the empha- 
i^ -tfi'iulH be laid upon the epituphj ur the Mib* 
taurjie ' • 

Ut Mem. Why, no ■ 




Dif ft. Tscr, wliile you li»e, by your cropbaaU 
Vpnii ihe rpit^iph. 

Irnb. Arr.ih, roy tkflr, but wlnit t!t ttuit BBtni- 
e|iiiHpli, in>w ? 

Dick. Atrah, mv tffar eouun SJatkstwne, 
ti*Ott'f yoM put u rtmrmltaiKe iipim mr ^ 

Irtsh. Ow ! htjl IS it roockiop you a" ? Look 
ye, my <lc«r, it you'd tit Lokiiit: uic olT — Uon'i 
yiHi tutl It taking oil ? By tny slmiil, I'd be mn- 
kioe ym lake yourscU off— — Wliat? If yoiiVc 
for b«^ini: oh'^tropolims, I would not matter you 
llirrr t>kip!< nfa lli'U. 

Dick. Nny, pritheff do offence; I hope wo 
shnti K* brnthfr-phiyer^ 

Iruh. tJw \ itten we'd be very good friends; 
for. you know, two of n trade can never agree, 
my dtar. 

Uroteh. LodiP is certainly rcet in hi« chapter 
nlw<'>t itiiiBtc irtca*^; fcr tins tnoi) is Imrn ivithmit 
■iiv At all ; niift the other mun, yonder, I duuL is 
«() pTCt hetd-piirc. 

Ihck. Wliiil do yuH intend to appear in? 

/rwA. Othullo, iKydear; Icliiicnlonc; you'll 
see how Til hodder t'tcin : thnuelt, hy my j^iouI, 
uivshflf d'«« not know tut Fd \m frigliieocd 
wiien rtrry iliiiic i^ in a hubbub, and nutliin)> lo 
br limrd, but ' throw liim over '* — * over wjth 

* hilii !'— ^ off, off, off llir sinee *' — ' music !' — 

* won't »c hs'sotne orsMj^e-chips f— ' woo'l j-e ha* 

* some nun port-ills V — ( )w ! but, inny be, the dt-nr 
cminr« in llv> Imk4»i will be tuokioi; at my te^»— • 
Ow ! to lie fture— dw dci-ii burn tlie luck llicv''ll 
gife lliein ! 

Dttk. 1 sIhiH ccrtjiinly laugh in tlie fellow'^ 
faff. [Att4e. 

Iruh. Ow ! never mind it ; let mr oloue, my 
ricnr ; oiuf be, I'd Aee n Utile round liwe from 
Dtdtlin, in (he pit, nmy U' I would; but then, 
won't 1 lie the Ant cenib-miin of my nnme. tliut 
turned »tBce-|ilavi'r? My cousin woul<l rather 
»t;e me stari-c like u eentlcmaa, with honour and 
rrpumtioti-— mystidf docs be aabamod wheo I 
ihiok of it 

SfoicH. S(ny till you bear me gire ii specimen 
of ejix-uttoo. 

J}Uk. y> hut. with ibat impediment, sir ? 

Srolrfi. Imptfdiment ! Wbiit imppcdim^nt? I 
do not leisp, do I } 1 do no ^jucvnl — I am well 
leeraed, nni I not ? 

IriMh. Six ntv- Fhnul, if yon i?» to thai, t nm as 
well liitiU nil mv9(-lt' ns niiv of them; and shnil 
loiiLe « ft^ure lu ucutei-l aiMi top comedy. 

Sfolrh, I'll pve you a specimen of Mock- 

/rtiA. UoLc Iraale, tlieit; and I'll begin O- 

Scotdi. /i tiii a dapger tkal I ste brfore we, 

rri»h, [CoUarlmf himA'^n'iftaiit, be sure j^rw 
ftttrr tiff tavf ti uhatr, Af. 

[/jAiifAir fnrniAr' ruwtifoniarti with his fncc 
j,on dtieil, uttd n ptpe it* Ail tiuad.] 

•I am thvfatkn*t tpirU, Hamlet-— ■- 

Virk, Pn ! Prithee, you're tH>t fai eotmgh for 
a ir|in<>r. 

J/on. T intend to mnke my 6n«t af^iearanceia 
It, fr>r all tliat ; only I'm puiiled about r.f>e ihtiu; 
—1 wtuii to know, when 1 come on 6rst, wbetfaer 
I vbould make a bow to the audicTKre ? 

Anftht:r Mem. Now, jtenllemen, for tbe lrt»e 
way of dyioi; — \Spreaiit a Wanfcft.}— now for a 
lirtir phrt-UTy — [Hef}eatii a dying tpeefh, and rvlU 
hitMtelf up in thr blunkft.] 

[MWcA bdtimd the *a:neM ; part Jive o'ctiKk, 
c/oudv nontine.] 

Diek. Hey ! past li»e o'cIik-I— 'S,lealli, I sliall 
miss iny appuinunent with Cttartocte; / have 
ttaid too long, and shall Itue mi/ proiefyU 
come, let II* ad|<mm. 

AH. Ay : let u\ udly forth. 

Irish. With all my heart; thoufcb I should 
have boddered them finely, if they had staid. 

Scfllcfi. I should have *.beened in Mockbeed); 
hut i»eier tnecnd it; I'll go now to my frtcodtlie 
bookseller, and tran-4atc Cumelius Tacitus, nr 
Grotius de Jure Belli — atvd so, gentlemeiii yov 

St-olck, If inza, buna ! 

Dick. tt'e'U KOicer the walth ; confitmm t9 
moraUttt ! I uiith the cotutubte were foarried; 
/tuiui, huz:a f 

Iruh. By my shnul, iny^hclf did DtiC CMre if I 
iiad n wife, with o good fortune, to be hiDdcnut 
me from cun'lE on; but no matter; I may incct 
wit!) a willing cmtur tomewhere. 

[Exit Iriak. uapng- 

All. Iluxcn,huz2a! [Eitut. 

SCENE tl.— «r«/. 

Enter a KaUhmaiu 

Watch. Pa;t five o'clock, cloody mormn^^ 
Meny on ua ! — nil iiiad, I l»flieve, in this bwic 
— they're at this trade three ui^ta in the wttk, 
I thinK— PaKt live o'rlock, a cloudy tDorning. 

All. Hu?7» '.—[Wiitiouf.] 

Watrh. What, in iho name of wonder, ir' 
ihcv oil at ? 

Harm, burra !— [H'tfJ^ovf.] 

r,Htfr the tpoulfrt. 

Diclc. Atigeft and mimstert t^ gmee drfn4 

1 St Mem. Uv HfgTfHi PU tear i/ou joiai h 
joint, iiJid Urcw thik hungry churcl^^ird wdi 
yviir iimb: ,' 

Dick. Jvaunt, end ^uit asy tight ! thm ban" 
are marntirlcti — f/irre't no iffruuitiou *m f** 
rtfn, that thou diHl j*/are withtU. 

W'ltfh. PritlH'e, iliin't <l)»tufb the peace. 

A .Mt-in. hf Hire ./'"< ■ti/* hum dovn mt ««■ 

Uick. Be iiiivc ofiniH f and d*rt mr t4)tbt^f- 





mtt «if A tky jiol^^akr any $hape btU tJtatf and 
ntjfj^rm nfrwtf tltnU nerrr trtvtbic 
Watch. Sobo. wbu ! 

£mter matchmenjrom aU port$, ume dnintc, 
*iw)rf Coughing, i{c. 

^d Watch. WliBi's the mnrter there? 

it* Waick. Her« are ilie ilt^uirberv of tho 
prace — J chants tht-in all 

I>tck. Vnmtinnered i/uoc / advance vour hal- 
hrrt higher than mif I'rftist, or, Iqf Si i'aut, Vll 
ttnkf thee dovn-, and ijturn th€C^ btgiianjor l/n* 
iNinJnire— — 

[Theyjiffht, Dtcs is /mocktd dimn. Krcuttt 
ttatfhmenf figftting th< re$l. 

Dtck. i hwttt . If mil do ; '£«u]. Ill make 
m; c»cap« ouw— UA, lam fortune'ajoo^^ 

Re~€ttter valchment SfCt 

Watfh. Cmur, lirin^ tlwiii almif;. 

tst Metn. Goud rufliuni, hold a while. 
[it^ Mcuu i am untortunaX, bat not athamed 
_ wing lo. 

IIWfA. Coroc, coiiw : bring them oJoii)*. 


SCEXE llL^Another itrcet. 

Smter Dick, n I'/A a lanlharn and a ladder, 
Vtrk. All'itquiet here; the coast'* clear ; now 
for HIT sd^eulurr •*tUi Charlotte; tJii« liiddcr 
will do nue\y for the buj^iicM, tttouEb it «»utd 
be better, if it wrrc a ladder of rupca — but h'>ld : 
have not I «r«n Mmvihiiie like rhi» on tli« fttatfe ? 
Vcs I have, 10 totne of i)»e eiitcrtainmenli^^Av ; 
/ r r mrm hrr an afHUhecaff/, and hfrtah»ut Jtc 
duetU — lh» is my miisK^r f^nr^le's ; liein^ dnrk, 
xht beQ^r's »hop in ^hnt — W'hnt, ho ! ajnilhtai- 
ry .'• — but »oft — M'Au/ hf:ht breaki ihrtrttgh yon- 
der wtmdo* If It u the caut, and Juiut it the 
Mtn. Arite, fair tnn. ^. 

Char. HWi fhrre ** My Uomro f 
Dick, ne lamCt my (vet ; |/' it not thee rfi*- 

Char. Huib! Not to laud; jmull waken my 

Dick. Ala$ .' there** wore peri/ in thm eye- 
Char. Nay; but, pritliee, itow, [ lelfyuu you'll 
spnd all ; wluit made you stay «o lon;i ? 

Dick. Chidr not, mv /air ; but let the ftod vf 
Itfrr laiij^A m Ihy ryrs, and revei in thy hrart. 

Chtir. .A« I ant a livini* midI, vhii'II ruin e%'ery 
dliag; be butcjuietf and I'll oititc down to >()U. 

Du-k. No, no; not w fa»t : C!iarlott«, let u» 
■rt the enrdrn tctup lir^t. 

Ch4ir. A ljdtll«--itii:l r<ir llic surdcii Kciie ! 
Dtck. Say, then, I'll net lliuu;cr — up I go, 
merk or avthtnf;. 

Char. Dear heart, you're enoueb to frighten a 
bodj oat of oite's wits; dou't come up- I tdl 

you there's tw ocauion for tb« ladder; I ham 
willed every thing with Simuo, aiwi lie*» to let 
iiip thruufih the shofi, tvhcn he opens it. 

Ihck. Well, but I tell ymi I would not give a 
fartliitig for it without cbe ladder; oud ao, up I 

"Enter Simon at the doar, * 

Sim. Sir, sir; mndam, madam 

Jhck. Prithee, be quiet, Simon ; t am ascend- 
ing the hiti:h top-gallunt of myjov. 

Stm. An't (ilcaae you, master, my young niift« 
treiM may come through the sliop ; I nm e»ine lo 
sncifp it out, «ad alw may escape Uiat m ay fast 

Char. That will do purely ; and mi ilu you stay 
whero you an>, aiid prepare to receive me. 

[Eritfrtm ohove* 

Dick. No, no, but that won't uke ; you shan't 
hinder nie from e;oin|t lhrout;h my port — [Oaei 
up.] — A O'owian, Ay "" thtil't Itickt/ ! i\rilher 
old nor crooked ; in I ffo — [Goes in.] — and, for 
frttr tif' the purtuil of the /amity ^ I'll make ture 
qf'iht ladder. 

Sim, Hist, hiat, master ! leave that there, Id 
tare mc from being suspected. 

Dtck. With all my heart, Simon. 

{Eril/rom above. 

Si'"- [Atone] — Lord love him, how comical he 
is ! It will be line for me, wlieu we're playing liie 
f(M»l tdsether, lo call him brotlier Martm. JSrw 
ther AJar/ia / 

Enter CHAttLorrE. 

Char. O lud ! I'm frij^bted out of my witi; 
where is ho ? 

Sim. HeV a eamir^ madam — [Callt to Aim.J — 
Hrothcr Martin I 

Enter DtCK. 

Dick. Cuckold him, ntadem, by all mean*~' 
I'm ;^oiir nan. 

Char. Welt now, I prnlciit and vow, I wander 
bow ynu can senc a l>ody so; feel with wbai a 
pii-a-piit lurticin my henrt beala. 

Dirt. 'Tis an a/ann to Itrvr ; quick, Ut me 
inateh thee to thy Uoairvt armt, ^r. 

Wutrh. [liekind the jccB«.)— Past six o*dock, 
and n cloudy morning. 

Char. Dear bean, don't let us stand fooling 
here; as I Uvc and brcnthc, »»e ahull b<Hh be ui- 
ken ; do, for Heaven's »uke, let us make our ca> 

Watch. Past six o'clock, and a cloudy mom- 

Char. It come* nearer and nearer ; let ui 
make ntf. 

Dick. Gii'c us your hand, then, my pretty kt- 
ilt' adventurer; I attend vou. 




Yes, my deiu Chnrlottp, we will go togctlicr* 
Toyelh^r l« tbe llicnirc we'll g'l, "% 

Theri", lo ihcir ravi»bed eye*, our •liill we'll f 
•liow, i 

And point new beauties to ilie pit below. J 

Sim. HcavcDs bless die couple of them ! But 

[Exil, end ikutt the door after him. 

Enter BMliff", and hufoiitmert. 

Bail. 'ITiul'l lie, yoi>der, as »ure a» rouVc 
[alive; ay, it is; and lie has been about some 
miiiclHef lirn?. 

Fvi. No. no. that uB*t he; that noe wean b 
Iftccd coat— ihougli I oui't sa)^— as sure as a gun, 
it is li(.>. 

Hail. At, I smoked him at nnre ; do von nin 
that war, iirtd stop at the lH>ltoiH of Cuiherine 
■trect; I'll go up Drunr-latie, nnd, between us 
both, it will be odds tl' \Vc miss buu. 


Enter matchmcn. 

WaUX Past «ix o'clock, an<l a cloudy mnm- 
lite. Hev-day ! what's l>erc ! aUdderat Air Gar- 
gle's window ^ I inustuiunn the family ; Ho! Mr 
CorglL- i 

[Knockf at the door. 

Oar. [JhofVe.]-^~Whtit'* the matter ? Mow 
eoiDci this window to be open ! Ha ! A ladder ! 
Who's below, there i 

lit WaJck I hoj)* you on't robbed, Mr Gnr- 
gle? As I was going roy rounds, I fuuud your 
window opeo. 

Gar. I fear tlii^ is some of that young dog's 
tricks; take away the ladder; 1 must cnquitv 
into all this. [Erit. 

Enter Siuox, like Sckcr. 

Rra. Thievts.' Murder/ 2%jctw .' Popertf! 

Watch, What's tlif! malter with the fellow^ 

Sim. Sparc all I have, and lake my tij'e ! 

lla/rA. Any mischief in the bouse? 

Sim. Thry broke in tritk fire and xword ; 
thei/lt be here this rninutr ; jive and tort if — 
this will do cliortuingly — my young master tu^ipht 
>ne this. \A^dr. 

Iff Watch. Whnc, arc tliere iliicves ni the 

Sim. If VrA ttpord and pistol^ sir t five and 

If'atfh. Nay, then, 'tis lime for me to go ; for, 
nnvbap, I laav come to ha* the wor9t ou'i. 

[BiU Watch. 

JEnter Garcle. 

Car. Dear heart I IVar beuri ! She's none ! 
She's Eoac!! Mydaughter! Mydaughtcr! Wbiits 
the feilinr tii such a (n^ht for i 

Sim. Dawn on v"*i'" Xnec*— dflwn cn v^ftr 
mttrnm-bonet — Tthis will make him think. \ kuow 
ntkthini; oi' the matter — birw liii hi-art for teach- 
m^ me /"-doira on your mamia-lionri .' 

Gar. Gel up. you fool ! get up— dear hcan, 
I'm nil ill n fenuentution. 

Knter Wimcatc, reading a netetpaper. 

Win. [Readt.^ — 'Wanted, on pnod security, 

* five bundled puundn, for which lawful interest 
' will be icivco, and o ftood premium allowed. 

* W k>cver this may suit, cnf]iiire for S. T. at the 

* Crown sitd Rolls, in t'hnncery-lnne.' This mar 
be Mortli luokiog after. I'll have a ^ood prtniK 
um ; if the (cliuw's a fool, 1*11 fis my eye on him ; 
orlier |>eople*s follies am an estate to tlie man 
ih»L liiiows how to make himself useful. Si, 
friend Oarglo, you're up early, I tee; nothing 
like rising early; nuthinf^ lo be pot by lyin]( in 
bed, like u lubbiTlv fellow — Mhai's tfic maiier 
with you? Ilttflia! Vou look hke a Ha, ha! 

Gar. O — nowonfler — mydaogliter, mydatigt^ 

iria. Your daughter ! What signifies « fuohsb 

Gar. Oh, dear heart ! dear heart \ out of 'Sat 
window ! 

Win- Tallcn otit of the window ! Well, sfas 
v\\s a wnmiin. and 'tis no matter; if she's dcMJ^ 
•i\\v'% pruviried fnr. Here, I found tbo liook^ 
cntild not meet with it last night — bene it t»— 
there's more sense in it, tlian in all their Mttv 
bclliB, and their trumperr — [ Jteads.'\ — Cooker** 
arithuiPlic — look ye licre, now, fnend Garths- 
Suppose you hnve the sixteenth port of a ship, 
.mil I buy one fifth of yoo, what share of the 
ship do I buy' 

Gar. Oh. dear sir, 'tU a melancholy casfr — ■ 

Win, .\ melnneholy case, inderd, to be so i(f- 
nomnt: why hIioiiIiI not a man know every ttunf[' 
one fifth of one sixteentli, what pnrt hn^'c 1 fit 
the wiiule i \jpi me see ; 1*11 do it a sliort way- 
Gar. L/wt beyotwl redemption I 

Win. /ookeri! l»e quiet, man; yon pat ne 
out — Seven times seven is forty-nine, and w 
times twelve is wvciitv-twn — niid — nnd— and— i 
li(.-n*, friend fiargle, lake (he book, and gi*t it 
thfit Koundrel t>f n fellow. 

(}ar. Lord, sir, he'* returned to hi» tricks. 

Win. Ketiinied to his tricks! What, broke 
loowe again ? 

Gar. Ay ; vid cAnied off my daugliter witK 

HVn. ("nrricd off your daughter ! How did the 
rasral Diotnve that* 

Gar. Oh, dear sir, the watch alanned \b » 
while ago. and I found a ladder at the wind<rw; 
50, 1 suppose my young madam made her cscafc 
llint wur. 

[riii.'Wouiid»! Whm busioetft bad tlw Mhx* 

with your daughter } 





Gur. 1 **i§lt I hill nevpr taken hiro into my 
boitse ; tie niav ilebAUtli tbe poor ({irl 

Wat. And siipuose Ke doe» — »ii«'» a wumaii, 
ao't «bc? Iln, Iki! t'rienri GofkIc, ha, lia ! 

Car. Dev btr^ l>-iw can tuu t4ik Uiiu to a 
loan liifttnKtetif 

B'lii. I*U never see cbefeMow's face. 

Sim. Secrtit f Sccrttt ! 

Wim. What, »re you iit tlw lecrpl, fricnri ? 

Sm. To be Mtrc ; there be ncrcta in oil I'umi- 
lin— hut, for niT pnrt, I'll mit ^ksL a word ;>ro 
ur coa, till tht'rv's a peace. 

Wm. Vou won't fepedt, sirrah ! t*ll mnLe yoii 
■pMk^^— Do you luKiw ttotbing of this nun>- 

Sm. Wlick, I, »ir ? He came himto last ui ^ht 
frmu your hoiuc, aiid wriii out aj^iu direcUy, 

Wtn. Yoa ativt him, tlien? 

5(01. Yes, ur ; sun tiiiu tu be sure, Mr; he 
■NKle lac npcn die ^hnp door for hiiu ; h« stop- 
ped oa lite tlireshuld, and puinlfd iit one of the 
diMids Hnd lukcd uic if it wns not Itl^e an ouzr.l i 

Wii^ like ao oti2cl f Wounds ! What* tui 

C«r. And ttie yoiutf; dof( cnnic back la the 
dead of iiifthi to (4eal awuy my diiu(>b(cr ! 

H'*«. Til tell you wimi, fnrnd (J«r;^le — —HI 
liunk no mtire of the fellow — \vX hiiu biic tlic 
bndk — ni g9 mind my biuiueia, aad uot miu 
aa ofiportuiuty. 

Q«r. r><M*d n»>w, Mr VVingate. don't lea»-e nw 
ia Uut ajBiciiiin ! conaukr, when the imitoat spi- 
na are properly einployed, the whole aystein'A 
cilnlanted. a prupL-r circulation iu the unallcr 
ifaieu, or capillary veueta — 

H'i* 1>H)1 ye there, dow ; the fcllo\«'s at his 
4ackj ttgaiiit ha. hn t 

Gmr. Bat when tlio spirits nra nnder influ- 

Wim, I la, lift! What a fine fcltovr yni are 
aa«r \ You'm w» nind with your phyMciil nnn- 
MMaw w m> son wiifa his Slmkespeare aud Ben 
TInvpaon ; 

Gar. Dear sir, let iii so in quMt of him ; be 
riall tie well phlehotomixcd; ami, for the fu- 
lare, til keep lus solids and lluids in proper ha- 
Um-T — 

Hia. r>Vt tell me of yniir solids; 1 tell you 
bell ocvcr bv solid : iiii<l so I'll pi and intiKl inv 
busiOKjs let Qte see, wjiere i» thi«chap— [iffWi.] 
—ay. av ; at the Cnmn luid WnWh — uood uiurn- 
^mfm friend (*arslc; dtii/l plague yuur<cir ubout 
riMenuiuskiill; ^tudy fractions man; vulgar fmc- 
ttotis Mil) carry vou tliroot;h tlu; world ; nntliiiic- 
teal prupurtion IS, wlicn the antecedent and con- 


Gar. Yc»: who wants MniT 

Por. l;lcre's a letter for you. 

Gar, lx:t me sec it Odenr heart! — {Recdt.^ 
— ' To Mr Garble at the I'cstic uiid Mortar' — 
'fjlidikin^ ! tliis is n letter from timl unfortunate 
ynmii: fi-tliiw 

WtH. }jcl nic see it, Oar(*1e. 

Gar. A mometic's patience, good Mr Wingote, 
iii»d ibis may iinnivel all— [Krarfj.]— ^Nxw young 
iniiii ! His brain is certainly turned ; I canx 
make head or tail of it. 

ICia. Ha, ha ! You're a pretty fellow ! pive it 
mf. man — 111 make it out for you-— 'tia his baiid, 
sure enough. — [i{<44is.] 

* To Mr Gargle, &c. 
' M<»t potent, eiave, and reverend doctor, mv . 
' very noble and appriived food master ! iluic [ 
' have taken away vour daui;litiT, it i»muMt trae, 
■ true I will uiarry lier; 'tis true, 'tis pily, aud pi- 
' ly 'lis, 'lis true.' — Wliat, in the naim? of cninmun 
Miise, is all this f*— * I have dune your sixip some 

* service, and you know ii ; no mure of tlmt ! yet 
' I cituld wisli, tliat, at this time, I had not been 
' tliis thiii^.* — Wliut C11I1 the felUnv iiienit ? — • For 

* time may have yet ouc fated hour to coane, 
' which, wmped wilb libcrtv, may overtake orcju- 
' sion past'-- — Overtake (iccasion past! Timr and 
tide wait& for no man — * I c\pcct redress from 
' thy noble sorrows; thine and my pour couo- 
' try's e^-er. 

* a WlHGATE.' 

Mad as a mnrcli hare I I hm done with hiro. 
let him hiay till ilie shoe [uDchei, a cracA<brain- 
ed num^ikull ! 

Par. An't please ye, sir, f fancies tlie gentle- 
iimn IS a little beside hinMelf ; he took biiid on 
ine here bv the collar, and called mc villaiiii, arid 

bid me prove his wife n whore L.<»rd help 

hiin I I DCTcr seed the gentleman's ipuuse in my 
bum days before. 

Gar.'ls she with hin now ? 

Por. I bclieie so— —There's a likely yoting 
wuTnnii with him, all in trart. 

Car. My dnughtcr, to he fure— — 

IIVij. lyct the fellow ^n and be han^ed^^— 
VVouikU ! I wiiuld not go the length of my nnn Cw 
s.ive the I'illnin from the gallows. Where waa 
he, friend, "ben he Kuve you this loiter? 

Por. I fMiii-y, master, tlie ceiilleman's under 
troubles — -I brought it iumo n >piUiging-houMi. 

Hirt. Ftotu a spuiifting-houfte? 

Por. Yes, sir, in (irays-lnn-Lanc. 

II in. Let bun lie there, let him lie.tliere — I 
uni ^lad of it — 

4Jar, Dl^ my dear sir, let u,s step to him— 

H'ifi. No, nut I, let him stay tliere — this it is 
to hat-e u ^cn lu^ — h^, lin ! a ^'iiius ! bu, hal^ 
A genius is u fine tiling;, indeed ! hn, lia, lui ! 


Gar. Poor man! he haa certainly a fever nn 




his spirits — do jou step in with mt, hooest man, 
till I slip on mj coat, aiid, then^ 1*11 e.o aAer tbi» 
unfortuimte hay. 
J*or, Yes, sir ; 'Us iu Onijr»-Itin*tiU)C. 


SC^ElV.'^AtpHngingkoHU; Dick aWDii- 
iiFFflf a taOie, tmdCnKHLo 17 E sitting in a 
ditromolate munwcriiy hint. 

Bm7. Ilorc's mv icrvicc to ^oo, youn|t i^mtle- 
-don I be unrasy ; th« du^ i& not 

much ; whv tlu you look sn jiad? 

Dii'k. Because captivity hat robbed me of a fu$t 
and dtar divcrsian, 

Bfiii Never look 'iulky nt me. lucvcruseniiv 
body ill. Cwnc, it lias been muny a gotid mim.i 
l(>t; here's toy service to you, but we've no li- 
quor; come, Hcll have th« utlicr bowl 

Dick. I'rx niw natjifl^ duratn in the Jtorld 
— vri ttiU I am in tove, and pffoted uith ruin. 

BaiL Wluit do you say? yuuVc (ifty bliilliogs 
I bone? 

Thck. Noh', thank Utaven J Vm not xortk a 

BaiL TIten. dtcre's no credit lierc, I can tell 

Toii tbot you must get bail, or go to New- 

pito who do you think i* to pay houMV 

rent for you? You sec your frietuls won't come 
neur you — They've all iui!<tt'cred in the old cnnf. 

* I've promi^d my wife irever to br luil for any 

* bodv/ nr, ' I'»e swom not to do ii." or, ^ I'J 
' lend you the moiifv if I liwl il, but dcalrc to i)c 

* excused from boUin;: any man.' The porter 
you juEii now hcni, uijl bring ibe same answer, I 

warrant. Such poverty-struck devil* as you 

stiiT in my house ! you shall go to Quod, I can 
tell you that 

[Knocking at the dow. 

BaiL Coroini^ comiii}:; I am coming; I »-iinll 
hid^e you in Stwgaic, I proniiac you, bct'orc 
night ■ not worth a gront I you're a fine 
fellow to 6tay in nroaa's bouoe ! ■ You »l)»ll 

go to Quod. [E.iit. 

Df'k. Come, clear up, Charlotte, nerer miiiit 

this come now It-t us act the prisou-scetie 

in tlie mourning brid e — 

Cftar, How can yon ihiiik of acting •tpecches, 
when we're in such di^trcsi } 

Ihek, Nay, but my dear imyel-- 


Gar. Iluali ! Do, 'dear fir, let us listen to him 
1 dare say be repents 

Win. Wounds ! what clmbcs ore llioie the 
fellow has on? Zookei> the 5coandi*el has rub- 
bed mr. 

Difk. Come, now, we'll practise an attitude — 
How manv oi" them Iwve yini ? 

Chmr. Let mo scc— one— iwo— three ■ ■ and, 

then, m the fourth act, and then — O, Gemini, I 
havp ten at least 

Jhrk, Thnl will do snimmlnely — I've u rotind 
doM-n myself — C'ome. now, beitin — you fancy 
mc dead, and I think the sauie of you — now, 
mind ■ ■ ■ ['^^''V ttoftd in attitude*. 

Win. Only mind the villurn ! 

Dick. ihott tq/i Jkettng form tf £i)fdi»- 
mtra f 

Chftr. Sllntirr-thade pf my htfsfvrd Lord? 

Dick. She Unt, iht kpt^akt, and uc JmU itili 
he htifpy^ 

If'ijt.' You lie, you villaia ! you aliao't be hap- 


[ Knnckt him dtm. 

Ditk. [I'ht the ^mund-] Perdition coicAjwr 
arm f the fhaftce is thine. 

Gar. So, my young madam ! 1 have found you 

Dick. Caputr.t./arltrarJ Parity let facer, yemr 
hoid—SAe u my Ktfe — our Aesrls ore twiaal to- 

Win. Sirmh, villain, til break every bori» ia 
your budy [Sirikfi. 

Dick. Fnrenit herf fiinty kr«rlt ; ho tetn 

r«n more them : Chi/drtt mait te m-relct^ 


irm. Get off the groand, you Till«in ! ge* o^ 
thp ErtHind ! 

D$ck. Tts a pity there are no acene*dnnrrT* 
to lift me 

Win. A scoundrel, to lob your father ! yen 
mscal, I have a mind to break your liemU I ^^J 

Dick. Whaijikelhity ^^M 

[Takes off" Aii wig, aadihrww twopattlml^ 
kis head.] 

Witt. Tis miphty well, yotmi; man — Zaaten! 
1 made my o«li fottune; and I'll tnke a boviaA 
of the Bfuc-cunt-hospitiil, and give him all I 
have. Look'a here, fiiend Gat^ule. You kttoii, I 
am not a hanl-heaned mou. 1 he sooundtcl, ycut 
know, lias robbed me; !KS d'yo see, I woat 
hanghiiu; I'll onlv transport the fellow 
And so, Mr Cotchpole, yon uuky take toM M 
Newgate ■ - — 

liar. Well, but, dear sir, you know I alwtif 
intcniii-tl to mnrry mv dnuiihtir into y^nir fsiiH- 
ly ; and if yon let the young man be rmaed,Bii 
money must all pu into anothrr chunnel. 

II in. Hnw'4 ihai ! into uiiother rlmnosl^' 

.Must not lo*c the lianHliii^ of hi* mnnev — 

Why, I told you^ friend Oar^le, 1 am not a b»ti- 
hearted nnin. 

Gar. Why i», sir; but y«ir patsao o i- — 
Honrvcr, if you will but make ihf ti>uiii> cfnlte* 
mnii wne nni Ihe lust year of hi'i np)>rentJrrJ>»|\ 
V')u know T bluUl be eiviii^ over, tutd 1 may pel 
him into nil mv pmrrite. 

Win. Ha, ha ! Whv. if iht blorlheafl *r«u!d 
but get as many rnihbed phv^inil t>rird* ff""* 
I[yp(x)c^iIt■^ and Alien, ak Ik' h.ia from his noff 
scQMcal truaipery— ha, ha ! 1 don't know, be- 





twe«a TOO wd I, but be mi^t pus for a vcr; 

good phystmn. 

Dtck. Amd mutt 1 Lave thtty Juiiet f 

Char, \aj, but, pniliee now, have done with 

Cur »pecche». You kc wc are brought to the 
t diftcrm, mud %o you bad better ninkc it up — 
[Aiiik to DivK. 

Ihek. Why. for your sake, my dear, I could 
almoft tind in luy he*rt 

fl'in. Voull settle your money on vour daagti- 

Gar. You kanw it nas klwayi my iiiten- 
tio ii 

Win. I mart not let the cash •dip tlirnuj^h my 

bsad» [AtuU.]. Look'c here, youoi; uuiii 1 

am the best'tialured mnn itt tiic world. Uow 
came thw debt, friend } 

BciL The gentleman ^ave hU Dote at Bristol, 
I uiidcrujuHi% where he boarded ; 'tis but tweiK 
ty pnuiidft 

Win. Twenty iwunds ! Well, why don't v'«i 
send to your fncnd SlmLc^pcare now to biiil 

you bUfiui! [ sbouiil like to nee Shitkc»- 

pcvepve bail— lia, Im ! MrCatdi)iulr, wilt you 
take ImU of Ben 'fliompsoo, aad Stmkeepcart-r 
•■d Odytaey Pock*? 

BaiL' So Mcii )tenple have been here, sir — 
are ihey lK»u»e-keeper»? 

Dick. You do Hot come to mock my mii^ 

Gmr. Uitth, young man ! yooll spoil all 

let n»e *pe*k Ui you How i* your digestimi ? 

Dick, Titrov pfiytic to the dogt, I'll noHC oj' 

CAtfT. Nay, but ilear Dick, for my wdt e— ■ 

Win. Wfut iiivi he, Garplc? 

Gar. He rcpcms, s'f — bc'll rcfurm' — 

H'ut. 17iflt'» rijthl, tad : now you're riRht 

■>d if vou will but scrrc »ot yonv liiiic. my 
frieiul Pantile, here, will make a mnn of you. 
Woundfc ! you'll have hi* daughter and all his 
Booey : and if I hear no mare of your tniiiipr- 
ry, and you mind your buMness., and ttirk to my 
tiCtJc Charlotte, and make mc a ^nindfntht'r in 
mv old days ; ecad, you shall have all miuc, too \ 
tboc is* when I am dead. 

S}ick. Chariottc, that will do rarely, and we 
_ ^ to th* play& a& often as we pleaMi 

Chmr, O, Gemioi, it will be the purest thing 
ia the world, and we'll kce Itomco oud Juliet 
every time it » acted- 

Dick. Ay, that will be a hundred dtncs in a 
season at least. Beudet, it will be like a play, 
If I reform at the eiid. Sir,Jrt:e me jih far in 
yiMir mo$t ^tncroat thought*, that I have that 
my urro&' aver the house, ami hurt wry brother. 

Win. What do you sjiy, frieiHl? 

Char. Nay, but prttJice now do it ill plain 
Engl ish 

hkfc Well, well, I will. He knows nothing 
ofinebiphoFh Sir, you shall fiiKl for the fu- 
ture, thnt wt-'tl both endcnvnur to give you all 
the satisfHCtion in our power. 

Win. Very well, that** rinht; voo may do very 
well. Friend Oar^lc, I um ovci^oye*!— 

Gtir. <..'^ sir, in the principal ingre- 
dient in the compufiitiou of heullli. 

Win. Wounds, man ! let Ub hear no more of 
your phytic. Here, young man, put this )>ook In 
your pocket, and let mc see how mioh you'll be 
nuuter of vulear fraction!. Mr CwtchiKile, Klcp 
Sunie with nir, niid I'll pny you the mnitey ; you 
seem to be a notable !on of a felluiv, Mr Catch- 
pule : could you nab a man for uie } 

Catrh. Fast enough, sr, when I Intvc tlie 
writ — 

Win. Very well, come nlnng. t lent n young 
;entlentar> u hundred pounds, n r»nl huiMlml Ite 
railed ic— ^n, hu ! it did not f>iny to cool with 
hint. I had a good premium; but I shan't wait 
a moment for tlinl— Copuo along, y(nini>mnit; 
What right haTC you to twenty pounds? give 
you twenty pounds ! I no\cr was obliged to 
my family for twenty pouwls — but I'll any n4> 
mure; if you have u mind to tiirivc in this 
world, make yourself useful is the golden rule. 

Dick. My drarCharI..iIc, as ymi are to be my 
rewurd, I'll l»e a new mai]— ^ 

Char. Well, now, I shall see how much you 
love roe. 

Dick. It shall he my study to dcyerve you ; 
and bince wc don't go on iht* sta^e, 'tis some 
romfort that the world's a stage, and all ths 
aica and women merely players. 







RiiK, the EnglUhman returnedfr<m Parit. 
Crab, his/ather'i executor. 
Lord John, a respect tAle young nobleman. 
Macrvthen, Buck's knavith tutor, 

?:"v"uj ^"«'"* f »'■-'• 

J-ATiTAT, a lawyer. 



LvctKpA, intended far Bl'Ck. 
Le Jonouii.. La Loire, Beakvois, qi^ Sir- 

Scene— London. 



Crab ditcovered reading. 

* And T do constitute my very good friend, 
' Cites Crab, escj. of St Martin's in the Fields, 

* eiecutor to this ray will ; and do appoint him 
' guardian to my ward Ijicinda; and do submit 

* to his direction the management of all my af- 

* fairs till the return of my son from his travels ; 
' whom I do entreat my siud executor, in cbnsi- 
' deration ol our ancient friendship, to advise, to 

* counsel, &?. &c. * John Buck.' 
A good, pretty legacy ! Let's see ; I find myself 
heir, by this generous devise of my very good 
friend, to ten actions nt common law, nine suits 
in chancery ; the conduct of a boy, bred a booby 

at home, and 6nisl)ed a fop abrow]; tnge^ 
with the direction of a tnarriageable, and there' 
fore an unmanageable, wench ; and all this ^ 
an old fellow of sixty-ax, who heartily hates b(t- 
siness, h tired of the world, and despises ereiy 
thing in it. Why, how the devil came 1 to me- 

Enter Servant, 
Ser. Mr Latitat of Staple's Inn. 
Crab. So, here begin my pl^oes. Shew the 
hound in. 

Enter Latitat, with a bag, 4«. 

Lat. I would, Mr Crab, have attended your 
summons immediately; but I was obliged tosip> 
Judgment in error at the common pleas ; soe oat 
of the exchequer a writ of qua minus ; and sur- 







render in banco regi the dcfcmlant, berore tlic 
return of Kt/a, to ili»chiui;c the Imil. 

Crah. IViuioc, aiaii, iiuiic ol'tlij iiniiitrlligiliU- 
Uw-jaf^oa tome; tut till iiit-, iu ttic- liiiii;iiiiuc 
of coKUDoa tCMC iind thy cuuiury, ulml I tun 
CO €ttt ? 

Lat. Wby, M r Ci-nli, u >'ou luv nlrcmlT pu>- 
pesMd uf u probat, and Ivttvni of nrtiiuiUtrn- 
ikm dc honli tiro )£niill<:il, yntx inav kub ur b« 
fued. 1 hold it Kitind ductnitc for no executor 
lo di9chmq^dcbl«,witlu)ut M rc-fxipt u|joii r(.T'>rd; 
this CAn be nl>l:iiiu (I liv no iin-aii^ but liji nil no 
tion. Now nction«, Mr, are of vurioci^ kinds: 
Tbere arc special actions; artktns on tliy cast', 
or a-wvptitt ; ai-llnns uf tiotvr; urli(>ii!i nf 
tlQUsum f regit : iirli-Mis of biitlcrv, aniousuf — 

CVf]6. Iley, tlif duvji. wIhtc'b tlic ft-llim niii- 
nJni: tUiv } Uul liai LV, ]jilitnT, \\\\y I t|iiit):;lil 
all our IttU'iiTuccedint^ft Here dirt-cicd to U: id 

ImI. True, M r Crab. 

Crab. Aud vstuit du you call all this stufTi haf 

iMt. Fj}|tliB>Il. 

Cmh. I'tic (k-kil Yfxi <ln ! 
Lnl. Vernaciilnr! upon iiijr honour, ^Ir (^rn1>. 
VuT as lord C^kc dcrvtibcs the cnminnii law tu 

be the pcric. limi 

Cr»h. -Si here's .1 fresh (Iclngc 111" impfriincncc. 
A tnicc tu tliT aijttinrillc*., I bc^: aiit! n.<> I rind 
it will be iiiipuMbte lo undctxiuid thee wiUmiit 
an iiitcfprcltr, if you will incvt inc iit like, nt 
Mr Bricft. clinmbrrs why, if yuii have niiy Uiing 
to Miy, he Mill tntniklnle it for nic. 

SmI. Mr Uric r. sir, and trnn^lnte, sir ! Sir, I 
would have yuii to kmiw, tltni. no firnclitioncr in 

'WetUuuuict^hall eivcs clpartr^ 

Ctah. .Sir, I believe it — for wliirh reason 1 
have referred you to a man who never goes intu 
We»tiiiiiete r>hal I . 

Lat. A bad proof of his pmrtice, Mr Cmh. 
Cro^ A gnnd one of hi» prtu;;iplc5, MrLnti- 

l^i. Why sir, do tou think ihiit a lawyer 

CVa&. ifounds, ^i^. 1 iievc-r t)i<(uv;lit almut ii 
biwver. The law is an omcuhir idol, you are Uie 
cxpliuialory mini^cn ; nor should any of my 
uttn pnvaie i-oiicc-niitba^e made nic Iww tn your 
brutly Uaal, I had rollirr tunc a cause lliuii 
fuTtrf^t it. And hnd not this old dwitiitj diinrc. 
9u John Uud;. placocd rnr witli the n)iinnf;t.'mc-i)l 
iif hix iti'incy. and tlic cnic of hit lH>uhv b<iv, 
ticdlani qhfMdd aooncr have had inc than the bar, 
SmI. Bedlam! the bar ! Since, »ii,lnnipro- 
%okctl* I don't knot* what your cJioice umv lie, 
ur what your friends mny ( boose for you : I wish 
I «■• your ffrothaiii ami : Hut I am uihUt M>mr 
#lantila aa Iu tlic aniiity of the testator, othL-rwi»c 
be could not have diown for )»*■ executor, under 
Am iraclioa uf the law, a person who despi^e^ 
the bw. And the Inw, inic ntc- leave to tell you. 
Mr Crab, i» the bulMmk, lite fence, tlie |>rutec- 

Crab, Mercy, good six and e'tghtpence ! 

ImI. 1'hc dcfuncr, and otTcncc, the by which, 
and the whereby, the statute conimun. aud cus- 
tointiry : ur, sn I'bwden classically nod elegantly 
cxprcucit it, 'tis 

jl/oi fnmnrwwf r^-tut morft, coasulta, trnalut^ 
Hitc tnuju$ tlalHunt trrra Siritanaia tibi, 

Crnli. Zctund^ bir, anion*; all yuor lawf, ore 
there none to protect a man iu his o»n honse? 

Lat. Sir, a man's hr>n»c i* hi% cattdfuiit, his 
cnstir; anil »o tendrr is the law of any infni)i:e> 
uieut of that sacred rigliT, that any attempt tn 
invade it by force, fraud, nr violence, ctai)de&- 
tiuulvi or vitt nr/rru, is not only di.*tiin<'d tclunioii«, 
hut 'burglarious. Now, sir, a burglary iimy be 
committed, eitlter upon tbc dwcllii^ or the out- 

Crak O hid ! O lud ! 

Entrr Sfrrant. 

Ser. Your rlcrk, sir — llic parties, he says, art 
all in waiting at yuor rhamlten. 

IM. I come. I mIII but Just ciplain tn .Mr 
CVab the nature of a burglary, a^ it hns been de- 
scribed hv a late atalule. 

Crab, Zounds, sir [ I liorc nut the least curio* 

Lat. Sir, but every gantlcman should know^. 

Crab. Dear sir. W coiic. 

Xol. But by the laie acts nf par— - 

Crab. Uejf), you dug ! /ouuds ! &ir, get out of 
my house ! 

Ser. Your client>, sir- 

Crab. Pusli him out ! \TJif ItrvHer tnlkiag all 
Ihetrhilc] .So ho ! Hark'c, ra*rf^ih if vou suSer 
that fellow to eater mydoont u};aiii. I'li strip and 
JiMartl vou tlio very next minute. [Eril y/r- 
lanl.] Tins i» but the be^iuuinf[or my tonneikt«. 
But that I exp<'ct the young wltelp from ubrond 
every instant, I'd fly fur it myself and quit tlw 
kingdom at once. 

Enter Servant. 

Str. My young master's trarclling tutor, sir, 
just arrived. 

Crah. Oh. tlien I suppou: (he blocklicad of a 
barotict is close at his hecl!>. Show hin in. ThiK 
hrur-tcader, I reckon now, is either tlie clumpy 
i-'urate of the knittht's perish church, or some 
needy llifthUinder, Uio outrast of his coiniti-y, 
who, with the prtdf of a Cicruum btiron. the ix*- 
vertv of a Krencii iiian|uis, the address of n Swin 
Aotdier, and tlie IcaruiiiK of nn ui-adernv-ushcr, 
\h to (;iie our htir-apparcnl |Kilitcue»s, luali-, 
tilrraturc — a perfect luiotvlcd<jc of the world, 
aud uf himself. 





Crab. Oh, a British chield, by the mass- 
Well, where's your charge ? 

Mac. O, the youiig raronet Is o* die road. I 
was mighty- afraid he had o'erta'cn ine; for, be- 
twecQ Canterbury and Rodiester, I was stopt 
and robbed by a highwayinai). 

Crab. Robbed ! What the fleril coiild he rob 
you of? 

Mac. In gude troth, nut a ihighty booty. Bu- 
chanan's history, Lauder against Melton, and twa 
pund of high-drjed Glasgow. 

Crab. A good travelling equipage ! Welt, and 
wliat's become of your cub ? where have you left 

Mac. Main you sir Charles ? I left him at Ca- 
lais, with another young nobleman returning 
from his travels. But why ca' ye him- cul^ 
Maister Crab? In gude trotH, there's a meeghty 

Crab. Yes, yes ; I hare a shrewd guess at his 

Mac. He's quite a phenomenon. 
Crab. Oh, a conKt, I dare swear ; but not an 
unusual one at PaHs. The Fauxbourg of St. 
Germain's swarms with such, to the no small 
amusement of our very good friends the Fi-ench. 
Mac. Oh, the French were mighty fond of 

Crab. But as to the language, I suppose he's a 
perfect master of that ? 

Alac. He can caw for anght that he need ; but 
he h na quite maistfer of the accent. 
Crab. A most astonishing progress ! 
Mar. Suspend your judgment a while, and 
you'll find him all you wish, allowing for the 
sallies of Juvenility ; and I must take the 
vanity to myself of being, in a great measure, the 

Crab. Oh, if he be but a faithful copy of 
the admirable ori^nul, he must be a finished 

Mac. You are pleased to compliment. 
CraL Not a wbiu Well, ana what — Z sup- 
pose you and your What's your name ? 

Mac. Macrutlien, at your service. 
Crab. Mncrutlieri ! Hum ! You and your 
pupil agreed very well? 

Mac. Perfectly. The young gentleman is of 
an amiable disposition* 

Crab. Oh, ay ; and it would be wrong to sour 
his temper. You know your duty better, I hope, 
than to contradict him ? 
Mac. it was na for me, Maister Crab. 
Crab. Oh, bv no means, Mr Mocruthen ; all 
your buMiicss WHS to keep him out of frays; to 
take care, for rhe sake of his health, that his 
wine was genuine, and his mistresses as they 
shnuUl be. You pimped for him, I suppose? 
Mac. Pimp for him ! D'ye mean to affront — 
Crab. 1\t sup|io5c the contrary would be die 
affront, Mr Tutor. What, man, you know the 
world ? Tis not by cootradictioUf but by com- 

pliance, tbat men make their fottunes. And 
was it for you to thwart die humoor of a lad^ 
upon the threshold of tea tbousand poonds ft- 
year ? 

Mac. Why, to be sure, great alkmances most 
be made. 

Crab, No doubt, no doubt ! 

Mac, I see. Muster Crab, ^m know man- 
kind. You are sir John Back's eiecator? 

Crab. True. 

Mac. I have a litde thought that maj be osfr- 
ful to us baith. • 

Crab. As how? 

Mac. Cou'd na we contrive to make a hond o* 
the young baronet? 

Crab. Explain. 

Mac. Why you, by the will, have the* care o' 
the cash ; and I can make a shJf)E to manage the 

Crab. Oh, I conceive you ! Aad so, between 
US both, we may contrive to ease him of that in- 
heritance which he knows not how properly to 
employ, and apply it to our own use. Yon do 
know how. 

Mac. Ye ha' hit it 

Crab. Why, what a superlatiTe rascal art thoa, 
thou inhof^pitable villain f Under the roof, and in 
the presence, of thy benefactor's representative, 
with almost his ill-bestowed bread in tbr moudL 
art thou plotting the perdition of his only diild! 
And from what part of my life didsc dura derirs 
a hope of my compliance with sadi a beltiih 
scheme i 

Mac. Maister Crab, T am of a nation — —^ 

Crab. Of known honour and integrity — I idlotr 
it. The kingdom you have quitted, in consignhqt 
the care of its monarch, for ages, to yourpre^ce^ 
sors, in preference to its proper subjects, ha 
given you a brilliant panegyric^ that no other 
people can parallel. 

Mac. Why, to se sure 

Crab. And one happiness it is, that though m- 
tional glory can be:nn a brightness on parbcolsflf 
the crimes of individuals can never reflect a dis- 
grace upon their country. Thy apology but tf- 
gravates thy guilt. 

Mac. Why, Maister Crab, I 

Crab. Guilt and confusion choak thy utter- 
ance ! Avoid my sight ! vanish ! [^Exit Mac] 
A fine fellow thi», to protect the person, infona 
the iucxpericnce, direct and moderate the deares, 
of ai) uubridled hoy ! But can it be Strang, 
whilst the part^nt negligently accepts a supcriiciil 
recommendation to so important a trust, that the 
perMin, whoee wants, perhaps, more than his 
abilities, make desirous of it, shonid consider the 
youth as a kind of property, and not study what 
to make him, but what to make of him ; and 
thus prudently lay a foundation fur his futuie 
sordid hopes, by a criminal compliance with the 
lad's present prevailing passions? But rice and 
folly rule the world — Without, there ! 




Enter Servant. 



Ranod, wliere d'jroii run, blorklicud ? Did the 
girl come hiUier. Fresh iiiRbinres fverv mo- 
ment, fonify my abhorrence, Diy dcicrtaiion nf 
mankind. "ITiis turn may be termfd misan- 
tltropy, aikI imputed to din«;nn nod disappoint- 
netir ; but it can only be by thoM; for>lt> who, 
tlimu(;h KifhieM nr iernorance,' re^nrd the faults of 
oflicr^ like iheir own, throuch the wrong end of 
the [wnjiectiTe. 


So, mhtltj I suppoae your spirits are all oIloaL ? 
You have Itrara your fctlnw% crtmiiig? 

Imc. Ifyirtihnd your usual diM'cnimcnt, sir, 
you «MHiId distinguish ir» my cnunienance nii ex- 
preMon very dilH-rrnl rruni tliat of jny. 

Cr«(; Oh, what ! I ^uppose your imrtiLey htui 
broke his diain, or your parrot died in moult- 

hut. A per«)n less censorious than Mr Crab, 
nuKht BWBB a more generous niulive fur my dt&- 

Crah- Distress! A prttty poetical phrase ! 
^lint motive can'sl thnu have for d>»treM? lla^ 
not sir John Buck's death objured thy fr>r1une? 
and art not tiioii 

Luz. By that very tiKans, a helpless, unpro- 
tected orphan. 

tVfl*. Poh ! prithee, wencli, none of thy ro- 
mintic rant to nv. What, I krintv the sex •- thr 
olg|*ei& Ml* every wumun'a winh arc property and 
ptNwr. llic tir>t you have, and the »ecood ynu 
won't br hint; wttJKmt ; for Itere's a puppy riding 
pPH tu fKit on yiur diains 

Lm€. It would Hpptur afTectattan not to ut»- 
flerMHid you. And to denl t'rrcU, i( was upon 
that lolyrct I wished to cninn;'' yo'i. 

Craft. Your uifonnutidn was needless; I knew 

Lme. "Suy^ lait why »o itnere? I did flnlter 
piweJflimi the rery wann recoratncitdutioii nf 
ynnr dccrain) friend wuold hive abated a liulc 
of ihail rtf*Nir. 

Crat N't) whetdltr»ir, Lucy. Age and con- 
icmpi hate Iohk ^hut fhe«e fjates ngain<>c Anttery 
and dt*Minul:ttion. V»n lute no svx for nic. 
Withoi.t prefire. ipeok yonr purpose. 

i ttf Whul l.'ien, in ■> utjrri, i« Your advice 
widi rcjrartl to my marrying lir Charles Hiirk? 

i^rah. Aiid dit you seriously want tuy advice i 

i^f. ftl'rti sinterrly. 

t^ah. 'Ilienyoiiare alilr»cVhcad ! Why, wlicn- 
y<)«i mend yourielf ' Is not ba a fool, a 
c, and w love ?— IjwItV-, girl. 

Kntcr Servant. 

Whoy sent fur juu, sir f 

Ser. Sir, mj yauDg master's po&t-chui» it 

broke down ai ihc cnmer of the »reet by a coal- 
cart, liis clothes are all dirt, and ho swears like 
II trooper. 

Crah. Ay*! Why, then, carry his chniw lo 
the coacli-niakcr's, lits coat to a scowcrer's, and 

him bct'orc a jonticc Prtthe**, why durt 

iTDuble me? I »u|>poi)e you would not meet your 

Luc. Do you think I should } 

Cntb. No, retire. And if iliis application 
for my advice is not a copy uf yuiir anititcii- 
nnce. n mask — if you are obedient, J may set 
you njiht- 

Ijtc. I shall with pleasure fullow your direc- 
tions. [Erie. 

Crab. Now we khal) see what Paris has dune 
for this puppy. But here he comes, light as the 
cork in his heels, or (he feather in his hnl. 

Enter Buck, Lord Johs, La Lotnc, BKAityors, 
and Macrctbek. 

Butk. Xot a word, mi Lor ; jemie, it is not lo 
lie supported ! — after boint; rvntpu tout v^'. di»- 
joiuted by that ciecrabk- povCf to be tumbled 
it>to a kennel by a tilthy cfiarUtntticr^ a dirty re- 
tailor of s«a-rosU, t»nrb4eu .' 

Jjtrtl John. An iictudciit that mt^ht have hap- 
pened any where, sir Charles. 

Buck. And tlini the hiile iii>^ lK>olings of thiit 
detestable cauaille^ thnt niurthcroio innh, with 
hHrkirouH. ' Moaaicur in the muH, huzza !' Ah, 
pais Miium^e, biirbarc, tHhaipilablr ! Ah, ah, 
^tt'eai re aue maia avans V Wlio? 

M^ic. 'iliat ta Maister Crab^ your father's exe- 

Buck. Ha, ha, Scrvilevr trti kumMe, Jlfon- 
tieur. EA bien ! What? ts he dunih? Mar, mi 
Ia^t, mart de wo vie-, tlte veritable Jark-roB«- 
bcct'of tilt* Krcocii Comedy. Ha, Im ! bow do 
you do. Monsieur Jadi-roast-bcef? 

Crub. IVithec take a turn or two about tlic 

Buck. A turn or two! Vohntiert, Eh bienf 
Well, have you, in your life, wen ooy thing so, 
lia, hit, licy ? 

Crab. Never. I hope yoo bad nut many spec- 
talurs of your turohlcf 

Back. Four^uoir Why so? 

Cnih. Bccaiite I would not hnre the public 
Oirio^ity t'r.resinlled I can't but think, in « 
country ftii fund of 9tran}:e sights, if you were 
i^cpt up u little, yuu uouid bring a great deal of 

Buck. I don't know, my drar, what ray person 
would pruduee ia ihi^ country, but the cvunler- 
part of your very griitcsque (ijrure has been ei- 
t.-'tinely. beiieticiaj ii> tin.- coinudiaiii from wheticc 
I came. JV'»f-ce pat vraii, mi lor ? Ho, ha ! 

Jjjrti Joiin. The resemblance dfjcs not strike 
inc. FcrliHps I may seem singuhir ; hut lite 
particular custoina af particular countries, I oirn, 





Dei-cr appeared to me as proper objects of ridi- 

Buck. Why BO ? 

Lord John, Because, in this case, it is impos- 
sible to huv« B rule for yotir judguieot. The 
forms Bud customs which climate, cunstitution, 
and governnieiit, have t^iveii t<i one Liiij^iluin, can 
never be iraiisplantod with advatititge to ano- 
ther, founded on ditfereot principles. And thus, 
though the liubits and manners of different couiv- 
tries may be directly opposite, yet, in my humble 
conception, tlicy umy be strictly, because nutu> 
rally, righr. 

Crub. Why, there are some glimmerings of 
ctimmon S<'nsc abuut this vniing thini;. Ilurk'e, 
child? by whiit accident did you stumble 'upon 
this blockhead? — [To Hick.] 1 siipimM; the tine 
of your uoder&tanding is tuo shurt to fulhuni the 
depth of your ctmipanion's reasoning? 

Buck. My dear! [Onpn. 

Crab. I say you can draw no conclusion from 
the above prenii-^es. 

Buck. Whu, I i Damn your premises and 
conchisions too ! Fiut this I conclude, from whnt 
I have »€c», niv dear, that the French arc the 
f\nt people in tfic universe; that, in the urtb of 
livin)!, they do, or ou^ht to give laws to the whole 
world; and that, whosoever would either cat, 
drink, dre^s, dance, %iit, sii)<r, or even siicexc, 
uvtr t:legini(t\ mu&t go to Paris to team it. This 
is my creed. 

Crult. And these precious principles you are 
come here to propH>;nte? 

Buck. C'esl vrai. Monsieur Crab: and, witli 
the aid of these hrotlier missionaries, I have no 
doubt of making a great many prof^elytes. And 
DOW for a detail of tiieir qualities. Benrnois, 
drrancez ! This is an otficer of my household, un- 
known to this country. 

Crab. And wiiat may be be? — I'll liumuur the 

Buck. This is ijiy Swiss porter. Te7iez vous 
droitf Bcarnoi!^. There's a hercc figure to guard 
the gate of an hotel. 

Crab. What, do you suppose that we have no 
porters ? 

Buck. Yes, you hav e dunces that open doors ; 
a drudgery that this fellow does by deputy. But 
for intrepidity in denying a disHgrceublc visitor ; 
for politeness in introducing a mistress; arute- 
ness in discerning, and constancy in excluding, 
a dun, a greater genius never came from tlia 

Crab. Astonisliing qualities! 

Buck. Relircz, Bt'aniois. But here's a btjou, 
here's a jewel indeed! Vencz icij mon cher La 
Loirr-. Comihcnt_ frouvcz vouz ce Baiis ici f 

Lii IjjiTf. Trh bieit. 

lUck. Wry well. Civil creature! Tins, Mon- 
sieur Crab, is my cook IjO Loire ; and fur hon 
tl'teavtu, ttitre rjtis, lu^tiitt^ eitremets, aud the 

disposition of a dessert, Paris never sow his pa« 

Crab. His wages, I suppose, are proporttoncii 
to his merit? 

Buck. A I>agatelle, a trifle. Abroad but a bare 
two hundred. Upon his cheerful complianoe 
in coming hitlier mt» exile willi ui^ I have in- 
deed doubled his t>tip(:ud. 

Crab. You could do no less. 

Buck. And now, sir, to complete my equipage^ 
txff/trde^ monsieur Ln Jonquil, my &m valet de 
chumbre, excellent in every tbin^; ; but, pOur I'ac- 
comimtdage, tor drcorating the bead, iniiuitable. 
In one wcrd, l/i Jonquil shall, for fifty to five, 
knot, twist, tic, frieze, rut, curl, or comb, with any 
gnr<;un |)erruquicr, jrom tlie Land's-eud tu tlM 

Ciij'. Why, wliat an inGnitc fund of public 
-■pii'it must yuu have, ti> diniu your purK, morti- 
fy your inclinution, aial exjwse your person, fur 
the mere improvement of your countryiueu ! 

Back. Oh, 1 am a very Roman for that. Bat 
at present I hail auothir reason for retvniiug. 

Crab. Av, wlwt can Unit be? 

Buck. WMiy, I fnitt there is a liketilwiod of some 
little fnicas between us. But, upon my soul, we 
must bd very brutal to quarrel with the dev 
HgrceahU; creatures for a trifle. 

Crab. Tliey have ytiur iitloctious, theu? 

hack. De tout mon cuur. From the inSnite 
civility shown to us in I'nuiCf;, and their frieodly 
profession!) in favour of our country, they can ne- 
ver intend us an injury. 

Crab. Oil, you have liit their humour to a hair! 
But I can have no longer patience witli titc pup- 
py. Civility and fricndahip, you booby ! iti, 
their civility at Paris has not tele you a guioei io 
your pocket, nor would tlicir friendslup 'ft yuur 
nation leave it a foot of land in ihc umvcne. 

' r>uck. Lord Jolin, this is a strange old fcllu*! 
Take my word for it, my dear, you mistake thb 
thing ei:rc;;iiily. But all you English are cw 
stitutionally sullen. November-fogs, with ailt 
bnilcd hcef, are luost cursed recipes fori(ood-hu- 
motir, or a quick apprebensiun. Paris is tlic place! 
'Tis ilicre men laugh, love, and live. Vinf*- 
mour ! Sans amour, el taii$ set deiirtj mm cnr 
ett bien moim heureux quit ne pciue. 

Crab. Now, wuuld not any soul suppose, tbat 
this yelping hound had a reairclisii fur tbecooD- 
try he has quitted ? 

Buck. A mighty unnatural suppouCioo, trolj ■ 

Crab. Foppery aud Hffectation all. 

Buck. Aad do you really think Paris a kiod 
of purgatory, ha, my dear ? 

Crab. To thee the most solitary spot upoa 
earth, my dear, — Familiar puppy I 

Buck. Whimsical enough. But come, poMC 
paster le terns, let us, old i)i(^em*s enter iuto > 
litiic debate. Mi lor, and you, Macrutheo, <le- 
icrmine the dispute between that source of <k- 


ritlite, cff pQradit He pfaitir, and tliis care of care, 
ihift »eftt »f Korvy aiul dif spleen. 

Mot. Lti a% h«d thciD wwU mjr lord. Miiis- 
tCT Crab tta^ met with lii^ inaU'b. 

Bmtk, AimI lir*t, for tlie grc«t [ilcBsiire of life, 
the pleMorc of (he rable -. Ah, tjuettc differtiicr f 
Tht eft>r, ihc wit, the wiop, ilip btidinuge, the 
permtage, the double tntenttre, tlm cfiriHsons a 
Mrv/ O hImI drticioii^ morncnU have 1 pa&sed 
eirt vuulamt la tfttrhetse de Harbo*ifiac .' 

Crab. Yniir miitrcbs, I »up|y»«? 

Back. WJm, I ? Fi ifonr ,' How » it possible 
foe a womin to Itavt a penchant for inc ? Ilcv, 

Mac. Sir Charles ia too ranch n man of bonuor 
10 bht). But, to Hiy truth, the wholo citj of Pa- 
m thooy^ht as niucb. 

Crah. A precious fellow tbis ! 

Bmck. TaUe; rxryi, Mac But we lo?c tlic 
fKimt io rieyt. Now, luniiiivur Crnb, Irt me coji- 
(Itict itju to nhat yuu mil an enrertaiiitncnt. 
AikI nnt : the inclnnrholv iMi<itr(><i<t i<' t'lxril in her 
cbair, whcrr, br llic by, tdc is conilcinneil to do 
aure rinidgery iban a dmy-horsc. Next pro- 
ceeds the maner to marftlial the gucatk; in n^icb 
ts much caottoii is necessArv a« at a cortmation; 
With, ' Mv Indy, sit birp/ nnd, ' sir Thomas Nt 

* there:* till the Icnj'ib <if the ceremony, nith the 
■| of ihr ct'ace, Iiave destroyed all apprrbcti- 
i of the meal's burniryi your mouths. 

Jfte. Braro, braro ! Did I na wy, &ir Cliarlcft 
m» a phenotDenon i 

Crak. Peace, puppy ! 

Bmek. Then, in sulniin sifeoce, they proceed 
tn defDolish tlic subMaiitials, with prrhnps nn ik-- 
(a^inoal intirniptinn of, * Here's to vou, friends ;' 

• Hob Of nob ;* * Ymir love and mine' Purk tntc- 
ceedi to beef, py« to puddin|>s. The chlU is 
femoved. Madam, drenched wiHi n hiiiiipcr, 
drofis a cujtsey, nnd departs; If:iviiie ihe jovial 
hoM, with his 3pn2htlv coropimiuns, to bibacco, 
pnrt, ami politics. Violtl uti repas i la mode if An' 
gUfcrre, moiiaieur C'rah, 

Crab. It is a tbniisaud pities that v'>iir father 
h not a bring witness of these prodigious irn- 

Butk. C^ett mu. BuL, i propot, he i» dead, 
m mm «iy, ntul you are 

CTraA. AeaiiMt my inclination, his executor. 

BwA. Prut'€trf: well, und 

Cruh. Oh, my trust will soon delertninp. One 
vticle, indeed, I ani strictly enjoined to >ec pcr- 
fofracd ; vour marriage with your old acqunint- 
■lee LocmdR. 

Bmek. Ha, lut, la petUe Lncinde ! et com- 

Cnh. Prithee, peace, and lietir me. She Is 
bequratbed condilinnttllr, ibnt if you refuse to 
■Harry brr, tneiicy ibotiKind pnuiuU; nnd if sIk- 
r*T*T-t) you, which I Mip[K)sc slic rtitl have tlic 
«Qdoin to du, oolv €Te. 

fliir^ Hcject mc ! Very pfnbftMe, l»y, Mac f 
But conld not we luivc :»n rntrcnif t 

Crab. Wlio's tlicrtf— Let Luciada know we 
cipect her. 

3f«r. Had na yc better, sir Cliarlcfi, equip 
yourscll in a more suitiiblc garb upon a fin^i visit 
to your mi^trcM? 

Crab. Oh, !^ucll a fietirc and addrcu can de- 
riic no ndrnnlnne from Hrc«. 

hnch. Serritetir. Ilut, honevrr. War's hint 
tnay not be so mat n promtt. AHaut, Joiii|ui!, Je 
m'en Vtih iM'kabifler. Mi lor, shall I trespass up- 
on ymir patience? Mt toilette is but a work of 
\tin minutes. Mac, disjH)^ of my domestics a 
Icur aiiTf mid »hen «itfiiH tiic with my p'>rt- 
fcuillr, and read, >*hile I d'C<\ ihi'-r remarks I 
made in Ivhi vo^'a^e fiom Fouutniublcu to Com* 
peignc. Sernteur, meisicurs. 

Car If. ban vin 

Du matin, 
Soitant i/u lanaeau, 
Vaut hien mieitj gue 

Le J at in 
Detoutta Sorbonne. [ Er/f. 

Crab. Tliis is tlw most conmmmatc c<ixcotnb ! 
I told the fool of a faihcr what a pi'ppv Vims 
»ciuld produce him; but travel is the wtiid, and 
rlic ctmsequcncc an ini porta don of r»ery foi-cicii 
folly: Aiid thus tfic plain pcrvins nnd p(ir»riplir» 
of old Knglnnd arc so coDtouiidcd ami juinbtcd 
with the cxcrcmentitiou* ly^owih ol every cli- 
niiiic, timl wc have Kst all our yjicicnl dwivnc- 
tcr»tti'<^ aitd arp bf^vjine a bundle of Cfrntnivlic- 
tjons, a piece of patcli-work, n mere liarlcfjuin's 

L^rdJohn. Uo you suppose then, s'v, that no 
good m»y )}C obtained 

C'rafr. Why, prillwc, what have you f^ned } 

S/>rd Joha. i bliould be sorry rny acquisiii<mft 
were to determine the deliHle. Hut. do yon think, 
»ir, tlie sbiiking utTMiinc unlive qualities and thn 
bein^ made more sensible, from cimipanMiu, of 
certain national and cotislituliunul adv:intagcs, 
objects unworthy the attention? 

Crab. Yon show the ftL\oura)>Ie side, young 
man : But how frcquentlv are sahstituicd lor na^ 
linnnl pre pos^rs.^ion!>, always hu^n|pK^, and often 
hiippy, cniltv ami unnatural prejudices ? Linna- 
ltir.ll ! For t!ii> urclch who is weak ami kicked 
I iKiujEh to dL^piso his country, sins agninsi tlie 
mtRit luuilabk* Inw of nature; he is n Imitor to 
the comniijiMty wlitrc providence has placod him, 
nnd »hMjld l>r denied ihotw> sticml betHifiU he biu 
rendered himself unworthy o |tartaLe. But scn- 
lentiouB leuurcs are dl culculated for your time 
of life. 

Ijard John. I differ from you here, Mr Crab. 
PriiicipU^, thai call for perpetnal practire, can- 
not be luo soon reocircd. I Kintxrely Uuuik 




ynOf stTf for this coniDiuiiicatioD, and duuld be 
nappy to have alwajs near me so moral a moni- 

Crab. You are iodebted to France for ber 
flattery. But I leave you with a lady^ where it 
will be better employed. 

Enter LuciNDA. 

Crab. This young man waits here till your 
poppy i& powdered. You may ask him after 
your Frciidi acquBuntaoce. I kdow nothing of 
him ; but he does not seem to be altogether so 
great a fool as your fellow. [Exit, 

Luc. T am afraid, air, you bave had but a dis* 
agreeable tite a tUe. 

L.Jokn, Just the contrary, madam. By^ood 
acnse, tinged with singularity, we are entertained 
as well as improved. For a lady, indeed, Mr 
Crab's manners are rather too rough. 

Lac. Not a Jot; I am familiarized to them. 
I know his iott^ity, and can never be disobliged 
by his sincerity. 

L. John. This declaration is a little particular 
from a lady, M-ho must have received her first 
impressions iu a place remarkable for its delicacy 
to the fair-sex. But good-bense can conquer even 
early habits. 

Imc. This compliment I can lay no claim to. 
The former part of my life procured me but very 
little indulgence. The pittance of knowledge I 
possess, was taught me by a very severe mistress. 
Adversity. But you, sir, arc too well acquainted 
with sir Charles Buck not to bave known my si- 

L. John. I have heard your stofy, nadam, b^ 
fore I had the honour of seeing yoo. It vras af- 
fecting : You'll pardon the decmrafrm t it now 
becomes interestm^ — However, it is impossible 
I should not congratulate yon on the near w^ 
proach of the happy catastrophe. 

Imc. Events that depend upon the will of ano- 
ther, a thousand unforesera acctdents may inter- 

Lord JbAn. Could I hope, madwn, your pre- 
sent critical condition would acquit me of teme- 
rity, I should take the liberty to presume if the 
suit of sir Charles be rejected-— 

Enter Ceab. 

Crab. So, youngster ! whatrl wo,\i^mt von are 
already practising one of vour foreiicn leMons. 
Perverting the a&ctions of a fiieod*a mistreN, 
or debauching his wife, are mere peccadilloos ia 
modem morality — But at present, yuu are ny 
care. That way conducts you to yoor felkn^ 
traveller. {Exit Lord Johh.^I would *pe*k 
with you ID the library. \Eat. 

Lue. I shall attend you, sir. Never was so 
unhappy an interruption ! What could my lonl 
mean ? But be it what it will, it ought not, it 
cannot concern me. — Gratitude ano doty il^ 
mand my compliance with the dying wi^ of ny 
benefactor, my friend, my father. Bat am 1 
then to sacrifice all my future peace ? But r» 
son not, rash ^rl ! obedience is thy province. 

Though hard the task, be it my part to pro*^ 
That sometimes du^ can ^ve laws to lore 



Buck at hit toiiet, attended b^ tkrec vaktt de 
chambrej and Macbvthen. 

3foc. NoTWiTHSTANDiNO aw his plain dcal- 
ii^, I doubt whether muster Crab is so honest a 

Bttck. Pr'ythce. Mac, name not the monster. 
If I may be permitted a quotation from one of 
ttieir paltry poets, 

' Who is knight of the shire, represents them 

Did ever mortal see such mirrors, such looking- 
glasses, as. they have here too ? One mi^t as well 
address one's self for information to a bucket of 
waUT. — La Jonquil, metteiootu le rouge auex. 
lie bien, Mac^ miserabU ! I ley ? 

Mac. 'Tis very becoming. 

BticA. Ay, it wilt do for this place ; I really 
could have furfjiven my lather's living a year or 
two lunger, rather than be compelled to return to 

this [Enter Jxird John.] My dear lord, je 

demand tnilU pardons ; but the terrible fracas in 

my chaise, had so gatid and disordered my ^i 
that it required an ^e to adjust it. 

Lord John. No apology, sir Cbariei; I bm 
been entertained very agreeably. 

Buck. Who have you had, ray dear lor^to 
entertain you ? 

Lord John. The very individusJ lady tla& 
soon to make you a happy husband. 

Buck. A happy wtio ? busbaud ? Whit(« 

very opposite ideas have you confounded eoscm- 
hic ! — Id my conscience, I believe there's ««*• 
gioii iu the clime, and m' lor is infected. Bit 
pray, mi dear lor, by what acddcDt have jvt 
discovered that I was upon the point of becoauBg 
that happy Oh, vn mart .' diaile ! 

Lord John. The lady's beauty and meri^jou 
inclinations mid your father's injuncbooii nHb 
me cunjerture that. 

Buck. And can't you suppose that the bid/i 
beauty may be possessed, her merit rewarded 
aaA my iuctiiiatiuns jn^ttticd, without aaakiobl* 
obcdicncR to that fatherly injunction? 

Lord John. It dues not occur to ne. 


IBmek. No, I beliere oot, tni lor. Thoie kind 
oftalroCftBre nut icivcii c«j cvcrjr Uiily. Dvuntz 
w&k man mamckoH. And now yan shall icc me 
niMn|e the My. 

Enter Servmit. 

Ser. YoBDg K|utf« lUcbei Dod sir Tob; TMy- 
bov, who call ihcinvelvts your honcnir's old «o> 

Buck. Oh tlie brutes! Bt whatncc<dent rould 
ihcf discover m? arnvnl? fe dear, dear lor, uid 
ne In escApe tliii cmbumn. 

Racket antf Tallvboz K'iMouf. 

Ifoic a hoy, boic a boy ! 

Bmtk. Let me die if I do not tirlicv? ihn Ifcit- 

i have hrou^ht a wlintL- Itundri'd of lioutnU 
Willi dMm. But, they my, toriiii keep t'oois ut ii 
ni receive tlicm ^h cCTYWdiir. 


Enirr ILl( KCT Wjd TALt.TBOE. 

7UL Hey boy ; boics, my littlf Buck I 

Buck. >fanM£Hr it C/temimr, votret trts hum- 

Tut He? ? 

Buck. Jilonticur Racket, Je nit cMamiiiitzstus 

■ Xor. Aran ! wbat i 

H Buck, Ne nienteMiUi tvoi ? Don't you knav* 

■ Fraxkf 

I ftor. Knaw Frrnch ! Kn, nor vou ocitbcr, 1 

^L^Enk. Sir Toby. Tore Vtvui. I Wl»erc tlic pa|)LSt^ 

^VjpTbcwitchH him m torrten pnrlji. 

^■*' TaL Bewitrhed, tuid iranvfuniied liim too. L/:i 
■BMrUh, Racket, ii I doii't ttuttk he's liLc utic 
0^ (m feiln wc u«rd tn read of nt scliooj, in Oi-iHS 
Uetamorpbous ; they bavr turned him into a 

ttmc. A heftM ) No; a bird, you fool. Lookee, 
wToby.bythe loni Hurry. Ix're ore hi* wiit^»* 

Ts/. Hry ! rC4>d, Mm! xj they nrf, Im, li» ! I 
'*'duia, Racket, he auue uier with the vrntMl* 

BurJr. VoilMdetxirttmbie AngtoU. Tlicrasitc, 
Hide Ril&afis ! 

ttor. Ln uA see what the deril lie has got upon 
l"»jirit, «r Tobv. 
Tni, A». 

iittk, bo, dear sarafe^ Lecp your dtstaucc ! 
Ttd. Smr, Tore Ucut^c wc itiU bav0 a tcru- 
Hir, Ay, ay, a scnidny. 

Bock. P.H rrorr. La juriqutl ! mt lor ! protect me 
"^ thpir pirates ! 

Uri Jp4a. A tittle campaMion, I beg. gcndf^ 
^w— Corwjder, sit Charlrs is upon a ruit tu his 

TW. RriUe! Zoood*. he'» fitter for a band>bot 
^Wl«, bodtt the heels. 


Jixtr. I liavc them. knighL Tore irad, Sc ts tlie 
rery nncrsc of a Qaotaui cock — Wis cutiib's on 

liis feet, and his fentlicni on his head. Who 

bavo wc got here? What arc thc%e three fi'lbm •« } 

Enter CtiAa. 

CroK And is this uoe of your n&wl)'«acquirvd 
nck-omplishnicnts, IcrtintE your mistress Ungiii'^h 
i'or n but vqu have oompany, I *cc. 

Buck, U >e»; I linte been incxpn-asibly hap- 
py. — These gciirlcniCD orr kind cnuujlt tu treat 
tne. Ofxin my nrn%-al, with v-hM I believe ibcv 

call, Ml thib country, a rnule My dear lor, if 

Voo dju't fiivour luy fliRJit But bCC il' the 

CtuuIh nn't tumbling my I'lilcl ! 

lAtrd John. \qw*& your timtf, sita! off. — Vl\ 
cover your retrrnt, 

Buek. MtM', let Tji Jonquil follow to resettle 

my i-AfTviLr. Jic vomm rtmcrtie miUt, miiieJoU, 

■Kon rher mi lor. 

Hue. Hril«, nir Toby, stole aw.\V ! 

Buck. O lUiffi ]}irn .' 

TiU. Poh, n*t bun; let him hIhhp. Ilcll ne- 
ver do for iKtr purptiu:. Yun niu\t ku'iw vrc in> 
tended tu kick up d riot l*i-niaht nl tiic plav- 
houac, and we wiintod liim of tlit party ; but thut 
top would twoon at iIk- silIu nf n cuogel. 

Lord Jtfha. Pray, sir, wlmi ia your cause of 
contention ^ 

W- Cause of coiitcntjon t \}cr, faitii, I knotr 
nothii^ rif tlic Diaitcr. Ilarkcf, what is it vm arc 
angry nbout f 

Rar. Aiicrv about! — Why, you know we are 
to dtMiiolifiU tTic dancers. 

TaL True, true; 1 had r)rgot. Will ytni 
make unci 

l/rd John. I hcfE lo be cicused. 

Rar. Mayhap you are a frwnd to the French f 

hard John. Not I, iiidevH, !>ir— But if dir liC- 
caaion will permit me a pun, ihmigh [ nui far 
from bcini; a well-wii^her to thrir anns, I bote 
no ubjectiiMi tu Uiu being ciitcrtniitcd by their 

JW. \y ?— Why then, if aoull come tn-nieht, 
you'll split your sides with iniji;liin^; for 111 br 
rot if we don't make tlietn coper bij;licr. and niii 
faslrr, than ever th^y have done hinrc the battle 
of Blenheim. Come along, Itackcti. 


Jjord John. Was there ever snch a coiiUaMt f 

Crah. Nut so remote an ynu imafiiiic; they arc 
^ious from thr same stocit, sot in dilTcreni sniUi 
The tir^ shrub, you »ec, flowers mi>»L prodii;allv, 
but tnntures notfimg; the but slip, tliougfa stuiitinl, 
bean a Utile fruit ; crabbed, 'ti* true, but stilt 
the growth of the dime. Come, tuu'll lolluw 
your fric-ud. [£iif- I 

Enter LocfxDA, weith u Sfr^at. 

Luc, When Mr Crab ur sirCbnrlcft ini|iiirr for 



mc, \oiinill conduct ihecn hither. [Etit Srr- 
r*int 1 Mom I \an% for an end tu this important 
iiiU'-.K-wI N(H lliat I hiivc niiy grt-ai i-xpcctn- 
Ui)ii> from the ia»uc; but ilill ui hit i:irciiiii3iniicea 
a «in;r of siieprnce i» of hII Mtuatioio nwsl (lis- 
a^rcpahtc. iiui hiuh, they cgine. 

Enttr Sib CuAtitr\ MACxuTOCKf Litrd John 
and CnAS. 

Bvrh, M»c, pnnoopcc me, 

Muc. Alminm, ^'ir CluiHea Buck rnivM tlie ho- 
iwur of ki<-iiit^ y'liif hiuir). 

illicit. 3jti humhi'c ten'ifevr, Et coimMitt sa 
parte, HadrmoiMeUt f \^n raviahrd lo sec ihce, 
ma r^'cre fi.'ih Lutrnde — Eh ^<"«, ma tttnc ! 
W'hv yxi lii>< 'li\iiitlY»chil«l. But, moh enfant, 
tbcy Time drc*-ed you mi>-»i riiuhulicallv- Why 
ViYiM a cviffriitf must yrm Knrc ! and. t>h man 
}}iru ! n iuIrI uhscnce of rovff. Dot pciha^ts 
vou nrc out. 1 hud a cure" from IVffrniy die 
Aay tii my departure : Shnil 1 have the Uxiuur to 
supply yf>ii / 

i Kf- Vou nrc obliyiug, eir : but I cxinfcss itt- 
te^fn convert m i!w rhasri- cu^intns iil'thisroun- 
trr; ard, with » roiiiiucrLial |>eopte, you kuoH', 
sir C'UnrUN all nmfirc 

iimk. Artinrr ! You mistake the point, ma 
cherr. A proper poiiion of red is nn Itidispci)- 
snblr part of y^ur dress; and, in my pmalt opi- 
nion, B woiT.nii miL'bt as well appt:if til ptiblic 
withc-til powdtT or a jit-tticoai. 

Crah. And iu my pTiviirf> opinion, n woman 
who puts 00 the fir>l, would ninku VfiylitlJc dif- 
liculiv in piillint: niT the lout. 

Huek. Oh, Moi)«)cur Crab's judcment mutt be 
decisive in tirrv. Well, biid what amuMnirutb, 
tf hat bpccturlct, what imrtK^ icliat conlrivmiceft, 
to con'jiicr folher Timt;, that foe to the fair? I 
fnnc% uDc inuft Cflnufer considrrablrmrnt in jour 
Loudon here. 

l.ui. Oh, wc are in iw d'rarros for diTPnioni. 
We hare an opera. 

Ruck, ttalum, I •mppoae ; fntirahle, »hnckinit, 
assiHPmuHt .' Oh, there is no supporting their hi, 
ht, Ai, Ai. Ah mun-Dien ! Ah-, chaue brilliant 

Briltiant tt)Uil. 

A-t-on jaiHoit veu ton purtil9 

TlicrcS music wid melody. 

Ijtc. What a fop ! 

Buck. Bui proceed, ma />rinceiw. 

L*ic. Oh, then we liave plays. 

Shck. That I deny, child. " 

Jaic, No plajn ! 

Hurk. No. 

Ijic. The nstertton i* a little whtin^cal. 

Binrk. Av, ihul inuy be; you liavc here drania- 
Itc things, farcical in thrir composition, and ridi- 
culoun in Uirir repfcsriilution. 

L*if. Sir, I own mvHJlf unequal to tlw contro- 
Teny; hut surely Sliakespear<>— My lord, tliis 
ubu'ct callft upon you for it> defence. 

Crab. I know fmni what fnuntain this fool has 
dr.iwn Itii remarks ; the author of the Ctuneae 
(>q>linn, ill ihc prcriii:e tnwhii;lt Mr Voltaire calif 
(111-' priitci|inl works of ^htiicspcnrc raauftnius 

Lftrrt John. Mr Ctab U risSt, madam. Mr 
VolL'iire ha« fitigmiiti7Cnl Htth a vem i<n)ust and 
4 very inv)dinu!> uppeUation, ibe pnncipul woiVs 
of thiit };rui(t imiMrr of the pMCtons ; and \m ap- 
parent motive renders him ibe more iacxcoffr- 

J.uc What coald it be, my lord ? 

Jjurd John. The prcvcncinc has oounbTHien 
ri'oni hccoTninc RCquuiiitcd vith ntir author, that 
lir nii^ht be at littcity lo pilfer fraiu him with 
thr i^rejter wciinty. 

/,t.«. l-'nueiicnAif, indeed ! 

Bifdi. I^nlpable del'amtition. 

J,iir. Anil ai tu ibe eiliibitioo. I hava 
tauglit to bclieret that for a natural, 
and ^pl^itcd exprcMion, no people upon earth — 

Buck, ^'o•t arc impOM.-d uj^nio, child; tJie L/> 
(luemc, the Ijinouc tne Gratidval, the DumcnU. 
tne Cattswn, what dit:nily, wliat HCltun ! Bat, 
li pntpat, I hare my&clf wrote a tragedy i» 

Luc. Indee<l ! 

Huck. En rrriti, upon Voltaire's plan. 

Crnh. 'ITiat mu-st be a prcrious piece of wort. 

liiick. It i^ now in repetition at the Frtnrb 
cnmctlie. (.rondval and 1.A Gausscn prrf'vra 
the principni panx. Oil, uluit an eclat ! Whit 
a burst will it moke in th<i pnrtcrre, when the 
kioc of Ananamaboo refoKs tbcjpcnon of tke 
prince<ts nf Cochineal f 

Luc. Do yoa rcniPinher the plU!ia((e? 

buck, nniirc; and I liclievc 1 can ctmieyit 
ill tlu-tr nianiv?r. 

J.uc. That will he deVifihtfuI. 

huck. And tirsi the king. 
Ma cherc princracje vnut oime, c'rtt 9rM ; 
D( mn f'fnime voui portrj let eharmanti attrwilt 
Mnit ce tint pat hvnitte pour un hommr ttl fat 

Dc t mm per ipa femme^ cm dt romprt mmJbL 

Imc. Inimiuhlc.' 

Buck. Now the pritvcess; ihe is, as ytaxuij 
suppoac, in citrcine diAtn>&3i, No itouht. 

Ilntk. Jtfon erund ret, mum dter itdorMf, 
Avfi pitii de moitje tvtt ineortto/aldf.' 
(Then W lunib hib bwk upon her ; at which llM^ 
in a fury) 

Mtmtlre, ingraft afrntx, horriblr.funntt, 
( >h que if rows ame, ith antje vow tUtate f 
[Thei. he,] 

Vtnsez T-ou:, Jilndame, i me dannrr la Imi 
Voire biitTie^ Totre omour, $ont le$ mhfCttJKMti 

Smc. Univo ! 

Lurd Jofm. Brero, bravo ! 








Buek, Ay, tlttrc'« puuon and pontrv* iinH reur 
Min luid rbime. Oh, bow I detect lijimd Bud 
btnak vcnc ! 'Dwn: U smoclliiiiu m) »o^, so mu- 
Mcal, mud 9u natiintl, io the ricJi rhimcs u( llio 
tSeaire Fhtncoii f 

Lord JoAn. t did ikiI know ur Ctuirles was so 
totiJljr devoted to the bt-llcs It-urcs. 

ftacA. Oh, ciiUrclv. M'wtbc ton, thf Taste. 
I am cvcrv night iit ittc Cttffe Pnicofr : mid hnd 
oot X Umd the tui&foriunc lu tc born in ilii^ eiir^t 
annti^t t ntake no doubt bttt yitu untttd huvc 
Men ray name amon; the furctiiuat t^r the f'rcnch 

Crofr. 1 should think yna tni|^t casitv get ovnr 
thkt Hif&cuit)^, ir yoii will be but mi oljli){ii«; u* 
publicly Lu rtuuoiK-e u*. I dare ciism;? imt out? 
of )'our cuuiiiryuiL-n hliuitUJ coiitmdict or dnim 

Hurk. No ! — Impavvibte. From the bfuVirily 
of my «duaiLiou, 1 tuuu e\vr be Inkcii lor un 

frnh. Sever. 

Duck. £•! verili If 

i'nh. K» iKrili. 

Buck. You llattrr mc? 

Crah. Bui ccitiiiiiuii ju'-ticc. 

Mac. Nay, Maister Cnib is in die right ; for 
1 have ttfiea liFurd tbt; Vmu-b iheiiiMUp« sar, is 
ic poaiMe itiat i^nntlciLiiui c«u be Bntiah * 

Bmek. OMi);ini; creatures! And you all coiv- 
cnr with thni)^ 

Crab. Eiiiircly. 

Imc. Kiitirclv. 

I.ord Joha. (Entirely, 

Hmk. How Imppy ynu mnkc mo ! 

Crab, E^nraious puppy ! Iki wc lose time. 
A truce: tu thik tnjii]|Mry. Vou luvc read vnur 

Btfk. No; I rend iv> Ijisil»»h. Wlien .Mne 
ha> uirucd it iniu I'reiKb, I luay run oM:r iho 

Crab. I havr told you the pan tliut roitrrni« 
tJits eirl. And u» yutir declnraliuii npfiu it 
will duchoive mn, I leave yon to wlmt vou 
will onll ao tcciairc'tiseuirnt . Cnm'^, mv l»rtl. 

Hack. Nay, but MtiiiMCtir L'lab, im 
Mac I 

Cro^. Alonn; n-iib us. 

{Eintnt Crih onJ I/iBD Jonx. 

B»uk. A couttorinblc srni|Hr 1 nm in ! \\ \r.\\ 
the dc-ticc am I «» dor In the luncuai^e of the 
ploc*-, I HID lu tnuke lure, 1 HipfH>»c. A prettV 
empioy mcnt ! 

JUr. I fancy mr hero b a little puzzled with 
bu MfC But DOW for it. 

aittk. A <)uecr crcnture, timt Cmb, ma pctiU. 
Bot, A prof^fi*, Hovr d'you like my lord ? 

Ijif. [It; M:citt« to lin^'O giM>d tman, and ;:iK>d 


Buck. Pol frop. But don't you Think he has 
aot tiling uf a furcicu kind of mr about liiin ? 

Lue. Foreign I 

Buck. Ay» something so English in his man- 

Lue. Foreign and English I I don't compre- 
hend \OU. 

hack. Why tbut is be Ima not the ciuc. the 
ie nc ti^iti yiioi, the >'un ton. — In a won), he does 
tiut n-H!nible mr now. 

Lm: Not in tlic ltra%t. 

Buck. Oh, 1 tboucht,«]. He is to be pitied, 
fKK>r d«vil ; be atii'l help il. Bui, cntm nous, ma 
vhere, the fellow Iiua a tbrtunc. 

{.uc. Mow dw* l\iai coni"em me, sir Chnrte*? 

Bwk, Wliy.^^c prnif. mo reine, tliat your eyes 
have done csccuiion tltcrr. 

Lue. My vya rxrctition ! 

Biirk. Ay, rinld. t!4 llivre anr thing so ei- 
traordinnrv in that? Jila J'vi, I tiioujrht, hf the 
vivnoty ox hi* pmise, tliat hv had atrvudv wni- 
moncd tbL ^tunsiiii to »urn-ndrr. 

Luc. To CHIT) uii tbu idiiiMon. I Wlieve my 
lord u t<MT i:u->d n coinniniidcr to roanntncc a 
fruitless Mp<:^>. He could out but know the con- 
dition of the town. 

Bitch. Condition! Explain, inn rherr. 

Lac. I WHS IO hopes yniir inlurview with Mr 
Cmh lutd inude ttiut unnccesMiry. 

Buck, Oil, ay, 1 do rt'collnrt •uininthing uf a 
ridiculoui nnicle about n)urnuii.c lu a will. IttiC 
whitt Bploi a^nin»( lliv peace of tikii poor pe^iplc! 
Welt, liw in.-ilii'*; of soni*; ini-n ii lotMiyiiij; 1 Nut 
contented with doing all th<: nn.<chiel' ihcy cau 
in liiRir liti*, tltey nre for eiitnilio:; tlu'ir male- 
volence, bl:e tiK'ir c^lntes '(^ lntr-?t postertty, 

Luc. Your coiitcui{>t of nie. hir (liHrlt:*, I re- 
ceive H5 a cotupUincnt. Uut the intiiiite ubll^a- 
tioiu I owe tu the man wliu had l)ic inist'urtuiM 
to call ym son, cuui^icl nif tu iuai^ llur, in my 
prewnce at least, no ludtenity be odbrcd U> tni 

Buc}c. Heyday ! Whil, in heroiv-s no trine f 

Luc. Un^mtufot, unfUiul wretch ! tiu Boon to 
tmmplt.- on bi^ Bvlieft, tlic grt-ulc'tt load of who^e 
fond heiurt, in his la^t hour, were hia fc-ar» fur 
thy future welfare. 

Biiclt. MaJ'oi, die e$t /olU; slie is niad, taut 

Lue. But I nm to blnme. Can he, who Itreaka 
ihruugb one sacred relation, ri'pird uri'iilier' Can 
the monster, who is corrupt ctiou^ih to fontcniii 
ihv place of hi<i btrth, rcverciKe those who ga^e 
luin being ?— liii|Mt»ib{c. 

Buck. \\ a pretty monologue t n Bne soli- 
loqiiy chl'S child. 

Smc. Oontcuiptililc ! But I atn cool. 

i)u<-/c. I am mightily gind of iU Nowwcabnit 
undcr^Uind one nnothcr, I hope. 

Imc. Wc do undcrstaud one anot1>er, Vou 
liaTe aJaiMJy Wen kind eiiou^ to rcluK me. 
Nothing is wniiciiig but u furuiul rejection 




iiiidcr ;our hnnd, and «o cnocludes our nrijuaint- 

Buck. Vaus altvz trap mte : too are tuo quick, 
ma rkrre. If 1 recntlcrt, ibt; cuii»tH)ue[R'u of 
Uiis rejection is oijr payiug ]ruu hveotji thouuuid 

Imc. True. 

Bvck. N'ltw Uint, have not I the leaft indina- 
(ion to do. 

Ijt£. No, bir ^ Wbj you own dint tnar- 

Buck, Is my nvertiun. I'll give you that oo- 
iJpr my hsnd. if r<>u plcaw; but I have u pru- 
digioiis love tor the louis. 

Luc. Oh, we'll &OOD settle that dispute; the 
law — 

Buck. But, hold, iro rchtr. I don't ruiil timt 
my provident father has preciwly determined ihc 
time of this cotnfortahle conjunctiiiii. So, though 
I am c*jndemaed> itie day of execution is oot 

Lac Sir! 

B^ck. I say, my wnl, Oiere eoe* no more 
to your dyinf; n mnid, tlmn my living a buclic- 

Luc. O. sir, t shall 6nd a remedv. 

Back. But now suppiise, ma ]>tlle, I hare 
found one to your hand * 

Luc. A» how ? Nnine onr, 

Buck, nt nnnw two. Aild finil, awn en/ante, 
llioimh t have an irresistible antipathy to the 
conjugal knot, ypt [ am by no nwons blind to 
Ttiu'r iMTftonal '^Htanns : in the possession of 
'which ii* you please to pl.ioc me, not only 
tlie afiire»aid twenty ihontand pounds;, but 
tiic whole terre of your devoted shall fall at 
your — 

Luc. Grant me patience ! 

Bink. Indeed you wuiit it, my dear. But if 
\ii\i fluuncc, I llr. 

Luc. (jiiick, »ir, your other ! For this is — 

Buck. I Krniu, ihu quit*; ito fiuihionMblc as ray 
other. It i) then, in a viiir*\, that you would let 
' rhifl lubberly lord niiikL- you a lady, and appoint 
I me hif a««iMiinif lirs pnvntc friend, his ciaubei. 
And as vre are to be joint piirtnken of your per- 
von. let us be equal sliarcri in your fortune, ma 

Imc. Thou meiin. abject, merrpnarr thine I 
'Hiy UMMri^sji ! CiraciouB llcawn !— (.'iiivemal 
tfiiipire should not brihi" me to be thy bride. — 
Ami whtil upolouy, what excustr, could a wroinan 
of ihc le.itt Kcnsc or tpit'it make for so untuitunJ 
a coiiiiet liiiii ! 

Wuck. Fort /<«■«! / 

Ltic, WItere arc ;hy attractions? CanM tliou 
. be ciiout;h to iuppos>e thy frippery drew, 
kthy DflVir^iion, thy |:iiiiiace, could innucoce be- 
yuii'.l the btit\ier» of a briJtlx:! ? 

Buck. Trii fcKM .' 

Luc. Aud what af« thy UDprovetuentb? Tfa/ 

air is n copy from thy barber ; for thy dreas thoo 
nrt iudrbltMJ to tliy tailor. Thou Kast la«t thy 
imiivc InJi^ua^^e, and brought bume atmo in *t- 
chani^ for it. 

Buck. ETtrfminttnt hien ! 

Jmc. lliid not thy vNnity so yoon cxp oac d thy 
villaoy, I niiitht, lu reverence to that name, 
to which ihnu art a disgrace, have takra « 
wretched clutncc with thee for life. 

Buck. I am obliged to thee Tin- that; and a 
pretty pacific partner I should have bad. Why, 
look'e, child, you have been, to bo sure, very el^ 
(juent, and. u|M3n the whole, oot unentertmiiuBg : 
though, by the by, you ha\e format in your a ' 
loguc oac of my forei^ acquisitions ; c'ewt a t 
that I can, with a most intrepid imngjroid, \ 
out a single emotion, •nipport all this storm of fc- 
uinlo fury. Kut, utiitu, na hcHe ; and whea a 
i-iM)! hour of rcflecimn has made you 9CD6ible of 
tlie propriety of my propoeals, 1 soall cxpeccihe 
hoiKMir of* a turd. 


Luc. I am ashamed this tlunp; has Km the 
power to m0*'c me thus. WIk> waits Uwrc' 
Desire Mr Crab 

£rtfrrLont) .Toun andCKAt. 

Lord Jokn. We bare been ui>wiltin|;ly, tna- 
d^m, silent witnesses to this shameful t^ime. 1 
blu«b, thiit a creature, who wears the outward 
murks of humanity, aliould be ID his morals so 
much below 

CVa^. Phihce, why didst thou not otU thy 
mnid<i, and to» the booby in a blanket ? 

iiord John. If 1 niMf,\A be permitted, niadaDS. 
to conclude wlint I intended saying wbm intc^ 
ruptcd hy Mr Crab 

Smc. Mv lord, don't think mc gailty of aftc- 
tfttiuu ; I believe I ^uess at your Bcncrotn dr* 
s\p,\ : hut my temper is renllv so ruffled — besides 
I am meditating u piece ui Temale revenge «o 
tliis coicomb. 

Lord John. Dear madam, can [ aisiai } 

Luc. Only by desiring my luaid labrioKb^ 
ther the tea. My lord, I am confoanded at Utf 
hU'rtv, hui 

Jtord John. No apology Yon hodoor aie, 

mndam. I^'- 

Cruh. And, prithee, wench, what IS tky 
sclieme f 

Lut. Oh, a very harmless one, I praausc yoo. 

Crah. Zounds, I mn sorrr for it I long to 
!iCe tlie puppy severely puniitied. mcihmka. 

Luc, Sir Charles, 1 fancy, can't be yet gotovl 
of the house. Will you deiorc bitu to step lii' 

i^rab. Ill brin^ him. 

JLuc. No, I ui&ti to have him alonr. 

Craft. Why, then, 111 scad htm. 




Euttr LxTTicc 

Lmv, Place Uicw tbiu^^s on Uic uUe, a chair 

OD cscfa wfe rtTV well. Du yuu keep within 

caJI. Out hark, he ii here. l.«ave mc, Lettice. 


iJnf^r Bvcx. 

fiyrA. So, fto, I thou|;ht she would, come to ; 
but, I confess, not aitocetbcr to soon. £A bien, 
MM hetitt 9oe me rcadjr to receive your com- 

Lite~ Prav, be seateJ, ur CbatlcK. I am a- 
Iraid the uotural warmili of niy temper m^;ht 
fcare hurritMi iiic into some expression:^ not ulto- 
gcttier au suitable. 

Buck. Ah, bagateiU. Name it oot. 

Lmc, Will vuu ilriiik tea. sir? 

hotk. Volontiert. 'litis tea is a pictty inno- 
cent kind of bcvemse; X wonder the French 
Ajo'c take it. I have swme thoughts of giving it 
^ M b ioH next winter. 
BH^ lliat vnXi be very obli^in^. It is of ex- 
W^^t serrice to tlie tudies Uiis side of the wa- 
itr, you kn<iw. 

Btck. True, it pronrotes partic*, and infuses a 
feiod of spirit into cantcrsotion. But what has 
Vccasiooeu me, ma rcinr, the honour of yuur 
|»rasa^ by Mr Crab P 

idic. Tl»e favour* I have received from your 
Ruiily, sir Charles, 1 thought dcntnndcd t'ruin 
pM, at luy quituiig yi'ur houic, » more dcccitl 
Mid lerciiwinious adivu thaa our toM ialcrvlcw 
Viuuld ndniit iif. 

bufk. ]■ tluL all, ma ekere 9 I thought your 
|it>ty Wart lud at la&t relented. WtU, ma retHe^ 

JUc. Can you. thcu. leave me } 

Buck, Tbe faicii will hnve it so. 

Xjut. Uo tb<-n, (lerlidiouH traitor, be |^ne! 1 
tavc this cun»)lul)on, Iwvrevcr, tliat li i can- 
Kieigally powe» you. no other woman shall. 

Jtnek. lley^ liun-, nliat ! 

Imc. And though the plcnwrc of littJig with 
too It denied ine. inour dcatha^ at Iciust, v\e Uiril! 
iBua be uuiieil. 

^ck. Sun be united lu death ! When, cliild .' 

Lwr. Within thi% hour 

BmcJi, WhiHi war ^ 

Lau. The fatd dn\ught*» already at my lie art. 

feel ii Iktv ; it nin* ihniojjh every jxiri;, 

panjtsi, iimiiier.dile I The tea uc dratik^ 
iTjed by de^pnlr and love— Oh I 

Buck: Wf !t ! 

Imc. I p(nwt»ed— 

Buck, lliederil! 

Xjh*. And n« inv e,ei»eroiia heart would have 
ItBKil all wiili yi>u, 1 gave you half. 

Buck. IMt, curse your generosity ! 

Imc. IraJulgt tur in tlic cold comfurt of a last 


hvtk. Embrace! O, coufotuul you! Out it 
may nut be too lolc. Macrutbcn, Jnnquil, ph?- 
sii-ians apothecaries oil, and antidotes. — — Oii, 
Je mcun, je meurt .' Ah, la Jiiii/i;iw / 

[Rtii Buck. 

Enter Lord Jobk and Crai. 

CraS. A brarc wench ! I could kiss tbee for 
this conirivRncc. 

Lord Jifkn. He really deserves it all. 

Crab. Deserves it! Ilang him. But the sen- 
sible rcsenlinent of thi» girl bas alnxut rcconci- 
led in« to tlkc world again. But stay, let ns see— 
Can't we make a farther use of the pujipy's plH 
niahment i I suppoM- we may very safely depend 
iin your cuntonipt of hiin f 

Imc. Most securely. 

Crab, And this yuun^ tlitnf^ here hns heen 
breatlilng pauiiuns and protest ntion«. But 111 
take care my girl shan't go a hefci;;ar to any man's 
bed. VVe i^uitt have this twenty tiiouMiad 
pouud, Ijucy. 

Lcrd Jvkn. I regard it noL Let roe be hap> 
py^ and let him be 

CraA, Pshaw, don't »corch me with tiiy Aomca. 
Rcscn'C your raptures; or, if they rou«t have 
vent, retire into tliat room, whtUt I go plagae the 

[Exit CiAa 0»e oMiy, Lvcr anj Loan 
Joux axolAcr. 

SCENE n.—Changnatid discowrt Btci, Mac- 

RVTHCN, JoNtJtitL, BliAltNUIS, l.t tztlKC, 

Phytician amd Surgeon, BucK in a nigkt-cap 
and goKM. 

Sur. Thii copious phlebotomy will abate the 
inflammation; and if the iix hUitcni on yuur 
head and bnik riw, why there may be hopes. 

Htick. Cold comfort. I hnrn, l' burn, 1 bum [ 
\U, there is a shoot ! And nuw again, I freeze ! 

Mac. Ay, They arc aw symptoms of a sttvo^ 


Jivck. Oh, I am on the rack \ 

Mat: <^Hi, if it be i^nt lu Uic vitals, a 6g for 

nw auutlutcs. 

Enfer Cras. 

Crah. Where is tliis miserable devil? Whatsis 
lie alive still ! 

Mac. In gude troth, and that's aw. 

Buck. l)h ! 

Crab. So. you have made a pretty piec« of 
work nt/t, young mnn ! 

buck. (), wluit could provoke me to return 
from I'aris ! 

Crab. Had you never been there, tliis could 
not have happened. 




Enter Raciet and Tallthoc 

ItMk. Where is he? Hc^» m demd man; his 
cres are 6xed alreadj. 

Buck. Oh! 

Toil Who poiaoDed him. Racket ? 

Rack. Gad I itm't know. His French cook, 
I rrckrai. 

Crab. Were there a possibility of thy refwnut- 
tioD, I have jet a secret to restive thee. 

Butk. Oh, gire it, give it ! 

Croi. Not so fast. It mast fae on good con- 

Buck. Kame tfaem. Take my' estate, my — 
save but mr life, take all. 

Crab. Fmr, theu, renounce thy r^t to that 
lady, whose just resentment has drawn this pu- 
nishment upon thee, and in which she is an un- 
happy partaker. 

Buck. 1 renounce her from my soul. 

Cra5. To this declaration you are witnesses. 
Neit, your tawdry trappii^ your foreign foppe- 
rr, your washes, paints, pomades, must blaze be- 
Kffc your door. 

Buck. What, all? 

Crab. All ; not a mg shall be reserved. The 
execution of this part of your sentence shdl be 
asngned to your old fiienos here. 

Buck. Well, take them. 

Crab. And, lastly, III have these exotic at- 
tendants, these instruments of your luxury, these 
pandars to your pride, padced in the 6rst cart, 
and scot post to the place from whence they 

Buck, Spare me but La Jonquil ! 

Crab. Not an instant The importatimi of 
these puppies makes a part of the politics of 
jour old incnds the Frencri ; unable to resist jou, 
whilst you retain your ancient roughness, they 
have recourse to these minions, who would first, 
by unmanly means, sap and soften all your na- 
uve spirit, and then deliver you an easy prey to 
their employers. 

Buck. Since, then, it must be so, adieu, ha Jon- 
quil ! ! ! [Exeunt Serrants. 

Crab. And now to the remedy. Cwue forth, 

Enter LuciKDA and Loid Jobv. 

Buck. Hey, whj did not die swallow the poi- 

Crab. No ; mh- joa ndther, yoa blockhead. 

Suck. Whj, did not I leave yon in pangs ? 

Luc Ay, put ML The tea was innocent, up- 
on my honour, sir Charles. But yoa allow me 
to be an extxUeot actrice. 

Buck. (Ml, curse your talents ! 

Cndf. This fellow's poUic renonciatioo bat 
pat your person and fortune in your power ; and 
if you were uncere in your declaration of being 
directed by me, bestow it there. 

ikf . As a proof of my nnceri^, my I<Md, re- 
crive it. 

Lord John. With more transpmt than sir 
Charles the news of his safety ! 

Luc. [To Buck.] You are not at present in a 
condition to take posaesson of your post. 

BBCJk. What? , 

Luc. Oh, you recollect! my lonTs private 
friend ; his assistant, you know. 

Buck. Oh, oh ! 

Mac. But, sir Charles, as I find the aflair nf 
the poison was but a joke, had na* ye better widi- 
draw, and tnk otfyour blisters? 

Crab. No, let them stick. He wants them.— 
And now concludes my care. But, before we 
close the scene, receive, young man, this last ad* 
vice from the old friend of your father : As it is 
your happiness to be boru a Britun, let it be 
your boast; know, that the blessings of liberty 
are your birth-right, which, while you preserve, 
other nations may envy or fear, but never con- 

?|uer or contemn you. Believe, that French 
ashions are as ill suited to the genius, as their 
politics are pernicious to the peace, of jour na- 
tive land. 

A convert to these sacred truths, yt>u11 find 
That poison, for your punishment' deigned. 
Will prove a wholesome medicine to yoor 

[JSxnrnf omn. 







GovExsoK Cape. 

YocKc C*rE, Aif Hwi (the Author) attathed ta 

Sr-».tGBXLrt /nend to Yocno C'aph, 
('Al)WAtL.4DCii, nntccfnlric Wtteknton. 
V»iiP, a tcokteller. 
RoBi<t, Ki-nrnf lo You^o Cape. 

Pritttcr't Devi/, 


Mbs CAOwALLAoen. 

Arabella, lufcr fo Cadwaliader. 




GovtANOH Cape and llOBiir. 

Gup. Aku l*e believes mc dead, Robing 

Mai. Mwt rnrtjiinly. 

Cm. You iMve given him do iDtJinatioD thm 
Ui fonunes loieltt merHl * 

tM. Noc K disuut hint. 

(mv. How did lie ^t^celvo llic news? 

X«k Calmly en<iu(:h .- niK-it I told liiin thnt 
•■•hopc^ (ram alrrnttrl ncrf; at un i:nd, that t)ic 
foDni o( hi» dccL-dM.-d fattier limuglit be bml 
*anr «iiou(;h in putting it in hi» pawtT lo earn 
M own livutihood, he replied, 'twiu no murr 
^ be h^d IiMiK upcrttrd, cluu^cd ine nitli lus 
*viiie9t ■ckonwledgTOX'iita to h;» cunniuled Ut-- 
II^KUr, Unmked toe for uiv ciiru, sighed, nnd 
■ft mc 

Gar. Aod how hu be lived tince i 

Hak. Puorlj, but honAMl/ : to his pen he ovr«s 

all his subustence. I am sure hit heart bleeds 
for hill) : connidor, sir, to what tcinpiiitiuns jou 
expose him. 

Gov. The icvcrcr his criaK *lie greater his ti> 
titnfih. Sball the t'ruits of my hunest industry, 
the purcliasc o( an nituiy pohlis be lari»hed on a 
\ary, luxurious buoby, wno hns nn other merit 
thai) (M'in;; Lorn live-and-twcnty vears alU-r rite f 
Nu, un, Robii); him, Hnd a prufusiun of debts, 
t«<-rc atl diut (he estmvagancc of hia uiuther left 

Roit. Vuu I<jved her, sir? 

Got. Fondly, way foolii^tily, or necesNty had 
not (Ximpeilc'd me to oeek Tor idinlter m muither 
cHuiaie. '^I'ife tm^, turtuitc has btL-n fnvuumblc 
to my I'lbours; ^ad v.beu Gwir^e u-mnnoM me; 
itmt hu inherits tiiy sptril, lie fJull share my pro- 
perty; not ct»e. 

Rob. Cou&idcr, sir, he bas Dot jruur opporiuui' 




Gov. Nor bad I liis education. 

Rob. As the world >;ocs, tlie wont you could 
liave given him. Lnck-a-day ! Lenrninp, learn- 
ing Mr, is no cwiumoditv for this innrfcct ; no- 
thing mokes luoiKry here. 5ir, hut money; or some 
certain fashionable qunli(ie» that you would not 
with your sou lo poueu. 

Oov. Learning um-Icm ! Finpouihlc ! Where 
an^ the Oxfords, cht; Halifiues, thi? great protec- 
tors uiid potruns of the litit'nil arts? 

RcA. ration! The world has lost its uw; a 
guinca-Mibscriptioti at the re<)ue$t of n lady, 
whose cbainbermnld t*i acquainted with the au- 
thor, may be notv and ibcn picked up^Protec- 
Tor ! Why, I dure bvlitve ther<-'» more money 
laid nut upon [shn|;it)n turnpike, in a month, than 
upou all tiK* learned men in Great Britaia in 
•even yeans. 

Oav. And yet the prew proans with their pro- 
ductions ! How do they all exi»t ? 

Rob. In '^rTCia, iir i as, if you vfill step to 
your 8uii'» apartment, in iltc next street, you will 

Gov. But what apulu^ shall we make for ttie 

Hitb. That vou want the aid of his profession ; 
a we ll-pennecf address, now, from the fiubjcrls of 
your late K.ivrriiincni, with your gracious reply, 
tu put into the newspu|K'rk. 

Gov. Ay ! it that part of hif practice ? Well, 
lead on, Tlobin. [Ejeeunt. 

SCENE n. — Draet, and diitavm Yovva 
Capl a!i/A the PaisiEh'i Devil. 

Cape. Prithee, go about thy business — ranisb, 
dear devil. 

DeviL Master hid me not come witliont ilic 
proof; he says ns how there arc two other an- 
swers ready for the preM ; and i f youn don't 
come out a Saturday. *t«vunt pay for the paper. 
But ynu are aJwnvs so lazy; I have more plague 

with you ilierr's Mr(i»7/le, ilie imn^ator, 

nerer kiH^p^ mc a minute — unless the pour gen- 
tleman Imiiiien^ ttt be fuddled. 

Cmpt. \Vliy. you little, siwity, snivelling, diabo- 
lical puppy, is it not suthcient to be plflf;ued with 
the Mupidity of your absurd master, but 1 tuu>t 
be pestered with your imperii in- iii-e 1 

Drr'tf. Impertinence ! Marry c^xne up, 1 keep 
as good company as your woiship every day in 
the ycar-^— tliere's Mr Clench, in Little Britain, 
doe* not think it beneath him to taki; part of a 
pot of porlcn- nitii me, though lie lins wrote two 
volumes of Uves in quarto, and luis a folio a-co- 
tiuii|c out in nmnber^, 

Capt. llnrk'c, sirrah, if you don't quit the 
room this instant, 1*11 show you a shorter wny in- 
tu tiie direct, than the stntr«. 

DcTit. 1 simll save yu« the trouble; giitr me 
the French book that you took dke story from 
fur the last ,(atimal. 

Cap€. Take it 

[TAnw-( >/ at kim. 

Drvii. What, d'ye think it belongs lo the cir- 
culatlng library, or that it is one of your t»wn per- 
formances tliat you 

Cape. You shall have a larger — [E>il Dtvil] 
— ^*8dcath! a pretty situation I am m ! And arc 
these the fruits I am tu reap from ■ Ivng* tabon- 
ou», and cipensive 

Re-enter DenL 
Drvit. I bad like to have forpot : hereV 
ueeV's pay fur the newspaper, five and fivi 
wir.cli, with the two-and-A-pcnny master ^ 
liis word for to Mrs Snd«, your washerwonuui, 
makci the three hnlf-crouns. 
Cnpt. Lay it on the table. 
Drvii. llrre'fe a man on the ttairs waols 
hy tite bheepisbncbs of liis looks^ luid tlic 

new of his dress, he's either a fuck-pocket 

poet — Here, walk in, Mr Whnt-d*ye<all-uia, thr 
gettUeinan's ai home. 

ISurveyt thcfigurt, tcughi^ andtsiL 

E»t€r Poet. 

Poet. Your name, I presume, is Cape/ 

Cape. Yiiu Itnve hit It, ftir. 

Port. Sir, I beg pardon; you arc a geutlenu 
tliiit wrilrs? 

Cape. Sometimes. 

J'nel. Why, sir, my case, in a worH, ia llasr I. 
like you, hitvc long been a retainer of ihe Hases, 
Mn V'Hi may see hy their livery. 

I'npr. 'Ilxiy liave iiot discarded tou, I hope? 

Faet. No, sir; but their upper Mrrrant\ ifce 
bnokucllcrs, have — I printed a collection of jco 
uiN>u my owu account, and tlwr hare ever liau 
refused tu employ me ; you, air, I l»ear, are in 
ihnr ii^raci-s : now 1 liavc bruugbt you, fir, thnc 
imiluliom* of Juvenal in prou'; I'nllv's anum 
for IVIilu, in blank verse; two esaavs ao the Bn- 
tisb liiTriun-fishery, with a large cnllectioa oTit- 
bu<ics; which, ii' you will disniue of to tliem,ii 
your own nnmr, «c'U divide uie profits 

Cuf^e. I am really, sir, sorry for your disMM; 
but I have a larmier cargo of my owo mamb^ 
turinf!, than tbey cJioose to engage in. 

/'."/. That's pity ; you have nothing in A» 
caii'piling or index way. Uiat you woiM edCiwt 
to lie care of nnotlKT ? 

Cape. Nolliiiig. 

Poet, ni do it at half price. 

C^if. I'm concerned it is noc in my powfr* tf 
present, tu be oseftil to you ; but if tliii ir^fe^ 

Poel. Sir. yuor servant Shall 1 1cm jua 
any of my- 

Cape. By no mcHns. 

Poet. An e^say or an ode^ 

Cttpe. Not a line. 

Poet. Your very obcdieoK— 





Cape. Poor fellow ! Aad bow for »m I remi^ 
red tnxn hif conditiun ? Vin;it liad tiis Pulliu; 
Hunicc tu5 Msceiias; MarUul tus riiiiy. My 
proCccion are. Title-page ihe publisher, Vamp 
the -bookseller, and liidcx chc pnuler. A mo&c 
uobte triumvirate I mxl tht* ratciUh arc as [m^ 
scripture aud arbitrary u die faoiuus IComan uiu-, 
intu ttte bargain. 

Enter SpRlcitTtT. 

fyrigkt. What! in sfllil(X|ujr, Geurec ^ rcatlnt; 
some of tbc pleftiantrics, 1 suppose, iii yoar mw 

Cape. My (litipoftitioo has ai present very little 
of the VIS comita. 

fright. What's the loaltcr ? 

Ci^. Sun'ev that mait^ n( ivealtb upon the ta- 
ble; all my onn, and earned in little more tJum 
a week. 

SprtgH. Wby, 'tis an iacxKnuwblc miiM; ! 

Go^e. Ay; and delivcrcit (o mc, too, njib aU 
the soft civility cf BiUtn^^t^atc, by u printer's 
prime minUtcr, culled a devil. 

Sprigit. I met the imp upon the stairs. But 
J 'Vm^I tbete midwivcs to the muaca were tlie 
idoGaen of you, tlicir favourite eoo». 

Capt, Oariyraiits,Tom! Had I iitdrcil a p»^t- 
koinoof piece of inCrlelily, ur an niiiumiis nnvd, 
dcconued with hisciouit cupper-plates, (be »laves 
mnild be dvll ctiou^li. 

Spr^hL Why dun't yoa publish your own 

Capt. What! And paper my room with them ? 
No, DO, that will oeror do ; there aic sccrtis iii 
all tcadcs: aura is ODC grtat mystery; but the 
cipbiiM(ioa MTOutd he too rcdiuu; at present. 

S^rigltt. Then why dun't you divert yuur at- 
tention to »ome oilier object } 

Capf. That fttihirrt wa»ciitployin^iny thtiughts. 

SprigAt, Ho* have yuu rcmilved? 

Cap<- 1 have, 1 think, af pre^nt, hfo ftCriivirit 
to my bow ; ii" my comedy succeetis, it buys mc 
a coainuwtuii ; if my minlrtriifl, inv Ijinni, pnnn 
kind, I am wcilcd tur life; but il Ltitli tiiy cords 
mp adirn Ut ttic qudt, aiid wvlcuine itie mu6- 


Sfrigkt. Heroically dcicnnincd • But. a-;jro- 
pot, how proceeds your hoiiyunible [latisKm t 

Cspf. nut tluwly; I lielievf- I have a l>icn<l in 
btr bvarr, but a most potent enemy tii her lieiiH 
jva know I am poor, and she is pr>idtnt. Wim 
TCgard to her fiirtune, t'*o, I believe her brothers 

nnaefit a esamtially nere&sary But you pro- 

■wed to nako mo acf)«iuiribe<l vtith iiiin. 

Sprigkt. t expect hitii here every inatani. lie 
ttav, (icoree, be useful to you in more than ntie 
CifncUy : if your cnmctly is nut irowdt-Nl, he is a 
chuictcr. I can tell yuu, that will ataLe no con- 
ic ligure ill it. 
Ui» sister gave me a sketch of htm last 

Upright. A sketch can never oooTcy him. llt» 
peruiiarities require iolioite laU>ur, ood high 6- 

Cfipr. Give mc tlie ootliacs. 
Siifigftt. U(> 14 a compound of contrarielicfl; 
priiic and meaiuieirs l^Hy and i*rchnf->s : at tlie 
sutnc time that he would tiike tbc maII nf a 
pniirc of ihi' blvwl, he Mould ixit scruple eaiing 
a rriiMt iinoMi^c at iJw Mi'wk-tinic. There i> ft 
iiiinuti'ucu, nuw aud llii-ti, iit lii^ dcKiiptiuna, 
and MNue uhim^id. uiinccount^ible turns in hi* 
c'jiirentutjoai, tliat iire cuterDiiuuig ritouKh ; buc 
the eKimrnsance uiid oddity of hi:* manner, and 
till- lKia»t of his birth, coiiipJ;'te his character. 

Cape. Hot hiiu will a pers4>n of his pride and 
peih'jroc, rcli»h the huuu*ity of this apartment P 

Spn/fht- f>h, lie's prefored — ynu are, Gcotlfc^ 
thoiii;li pmdi|;iously Icanied aud iii;^iii<)u&, an 
ab'ttmctrd licing, odd and whimsical ; the rase 
<vith afl ymir great geniuses: you love ttie snug, 
the chiimiey<corner of life ; anil retire to this nb- 
^u-iirc nook, merely to avoid tJte iuipottuuity uf 
the urent. 

Ca^c. Vour servant But what atlradim 

otu a cliaractcr of this kind have fur iSlr Lad- 

Sprighl. Infinite! DCit to a peer, be bommn 
n port ; and modestly impute^ his not making a 
I'lKurc ill tlic Icnnich world himself, to the ne- 
^tett uf his ednration — liush I lie's on llie &Cairf 
— Oil with )our cap, and open your book. Re- 
member great dignity and abwnce. 

Enter Vauf. 

Cape. Oh, no; *tit Mr \'amp. Vour oom- 
mnitd*, ^ood sir? 

S'limp. I liave a word, Mr Cape, for ynur pri- 
ratc eiir. 

Cape. You may cotanuinicate ; this GifloUonian 
is IL fneiKl. 

I'amp. An author? 

Ctipe. A'otumio<»as. 

t'tu/ip. In wliiit way i 

Cape, Uiiiveraal. 

l'«Mp. DIessme! he's very youne. and excced- 
intily well rigi^ed; what, aguod jiubKcnpiiou, 1 

C^ie. Not a montli from Lryilen ; an admira- 
ble thcoloeist ! lie -tudied it in Genuuiiy ; if you 
thniild want ^ucti a ttiini:, now, ni ten or n dozen 
•iiatiuiwTipt MiritiiHi^ by n dt*ceascd clergyman, I 
liclieve he can <Mip(>lv v»u. 

Vamp. Warranted origiiiaU? 

Vaf.e. No. 

Vtimp. N't, no; I don't deal in the srrmon- 
««ay, now ; I lt>»t money by tlic liiit I printed, for 
fill 'twAs wr'itc by a iiiettKKli»l : but ] IxdieTe, <iir, 
if ibcy ben'i lonii, and have a f;aod deal of Xatiit 
in them. I can get you a chap. 

Sprlfcht. For » hit, -Jr ? 

Vnifi: the iiittiMi^cripi scnaons you hart 
wrote, aad want to di-ij"!-^ of, 





&ngkt. Sermons daC I bare viroce ! 

Vamp. Aj, ■; ; Bdr Cape has beca trllii^ 


Sprigkt. He has? I am miglmlj obliged to 

Fimp. NaT, nay ; don't be afraid ; lit keep 
oooufiri ; old Vamp had ftot kept a shop so Im^ 
at the Tumsdlet if he did ofM know how to be 
Krret. Whv, in the jear fifteen, when 1 «as in 
the treaaonadle wav, I never squeaked ; I never 
gate Qp but ooe author in mv lite, and be wah 
Aj\a^ of a oonsumpcioa ; so it never came to a 

&rright. Indeed! 

ramp. Never; Ifx>k here — [SAoa-s the side ^ 
kit hfad.'j — cropped dose ! bore as m board ' aiio 
for noCbii^ in the world but an innocent book ol' 
bawdv, as I hope fur mere; : oh ! the laws are 
Terr hard, very severe npon ua. 

upright. Yen have given me, sir, so positive a 
proof of joor secrecT, that jon n»j relv upon 
mj conimunication. 

Vamp. Vou will be safe — but, gadso ! we must 
mind huMness, though. Here, Mr Cape, vou 
must proiide me with thne takii^; titles for 
tbcsf pamphlets; and if vou can think of a pat 

Latin motto for tht larj>FS>t 

Cape. Ther shall be dune. 
Vamp, Do so, do so. iiot^s are like wonicn, 
Mr Cape ; to strike, ther must he weil-dressed : 
fine feathers make fine binb ; a f>ood paper, au 
cteiiant tvpe, a handsome motto, and a tutchinc 
title, has druic man; a dull treatise tltniugi> 
three editions — Did ;ou know Harry Hand^ } 
Sprigbt. Not that 1 rcculltct.' 
ramp. He was a pretiy fellow; he had hi^ 
Latin ad angurm^ as ihev s»_v; he would ha\c 
turned you a t'abie of Dryden's, or an epistle 
of Pope's, into Latin verse in a twinkling: ex- 
cept rcter Hasty the vnyage-writer, he was as 
fp«at a loss to the trade as any within my me- 

Cnpf. What carried him off? 
Vamp. A halter — hanged for dip{Mi^ and 
coining, Mr Cape. I thought there was some- 
thing tlie matter by his not coming to our shop 
for 8 month or two: lie was a pretty fpJIow ! 
Sprigkt Were you a great l(»ser by lijs death ? 
Vamp. I can't say — as he had taken to another 
course of living, his eiccution made a noise; it 
•old me seven hundred of his translations, be- 
sides his last dying speech and confession ; 1 got 
it : he was mindful of bis friends in his last mo- 
ments : he was a prcllv fellow ! 

Cape. You have no farther commands, Mr 

Vamp. Not at present ; about the sprir^ I'll 
de:il with you, if we can agree, for a couple of 
volumes in fxrtavo. 

^trifiht. Upon what subject ? 

fomp. I leave tliai to him ; Mr Cape knows 

what will do^ tbougib Dords are a pre^ ^^^ 
summerTfcndii^ and do reij wdl at Timlinc^t 
Bristol, and the Other waieni^ frfaces : no md 
comoHiditT for the West India trade neidicr; 
let them be novels, Mr Cape. 

G^MT. Yon shall be certainly supplied. 
Vamp. I doubt not ; pray, bow does Index gQ 
on «itfa your Journal ? 

Cape. He does not complain. 
Vamp. Ah, 1 knew the time — bat yon have 
ovcrbtocked ibc markcL Tittepagr aiud I bad 
once like to have ra^affi in a paper. We 
bad got a youi^ Cantab tor the esnys ; a {Kcttf 
historian tnMu Aberdeen; and an attunieys 
clerk for the tnie in^l%ence: but, I doo't 
know how, it dropped lor want of a pofiticiaB. 
Cape. U \a tliat cnpadty I can be of any — 
Vump. No, thank you, Mr Cape: in half t 
year's time, 1 have a grandson of mj own that 
will come iu; he is now in training asaaaiior 
at the Cocoa-tree coffee-boose ; I intend giviif 
him the run of Jonathan's for three months, to 
understand trade and the funds; and tbeo 111 
start biin — No, no; you have enot^h oo yoor 
hands ; stick to your business ; and, d*ye hear, 
'ware chppiitg and coining; remember Bany 
Handy : he was a pretty fellow ! [Ksit Viar. 
Sprigkt. And I'm sure thou art a most extra- 
ord ma ry fellow ! But prithee, Gconie, what cookl 
provoke thee to make me a writer of sermofis? 

Cape. You seemed desirous of bdog acmiaiiit- 
ed with iiiir business, and I knew old Vainp 
would let Yuu more into the secret in fire nu- 
nute-i, than I could iu as many hours. 

[A'aorAia^ keloKy kml 
Sprigkt. Cape, to your post; here tbeyire, 
lYaith, u couchful ! Let's see, Mr and BlisCtd- 
walladcr, and vuiir flame, the sister, as I tire ! 

Cad. [Wiliiout.] Pray, by the by, ban'tyoai 
poet above ? 

[Without.'] Hieber up. 
Cad. [IVUhoui.] Kgad, I wonder what wfii» 
your poets have such an aversion to middle flood 
— Uiey are always to be found in extremities; in 
garrets, or cellars — 

Etttcr Ma and Mrs Cadwaluder, «ad Au* 


Cad. Ah, Sprightly ! 

S^right. Husli ! 

tad. Hey, what's the matter? 

Spright. Htird at it; untwisting somekoot^ 
point; totally absorbed ! 

Cad. GadM ! what ! that's he ! Beck, Brl^ 
there he is, egad, as grent a poet, and as ii^ 
uious a— H-hat's lie nbout ? — Hebrew ? 

Spright. Weaviiii:; the whole ^lilneid intoatn- 
ge<ly ; 1 have been here this half hour, bot lit 
hiisnot mnrked me yet. 

Cad. Could not I take a peep? 


i$ht. An enrthqaakc would not rouse him. 
'ad, tir tccni5 in n dninnrd passion. 
Cmpe, The bc-ll uf Pultas, nnr prnTCrf, nor 
toan, DOT Nipplicniinj; euds. shul\ (Mix- thcc now, 
Cad, llry ! rnuiida ! whiil Uic devil ! wlm? 
Cape. PulUtt i tt Aw vuintrr^ J'allas imimo- 
/a/. c/ pitHtim tctkrato rx languhic iumit .' 

Cad. Damn vuur palace ! I wtbh I was well 
oul uf yoiirpirrct ! 

t'ujte. Sir, I he^ leu thmisfind pardftM: Ifldies, 
vour nioit devoted. You will eicnw nic, sir; 
but, being jiui im die aiiui4trij|ili(; {if my tngedy* 
I Mm afraid the poette t'urur may lint e betrayed 
inc iuto «omr ludccency. 

Sttricht. Oil, Mr CiuKnlladcr it* too t>rrat a 
genius liim^eir, not to allow tor tlieH: micii!|)er- 
atc sallies of a Itemed iiiinuinauon. 

(lad!. Geiiiu% I Luok yuu bcre ! Air WlrntV 
Cape, Cape. 

C«(/. Cti^e ] trne ; thnuch by Ute by here, 
bey ! you live dt'vtiiih liij^li ; but iierhnps you 
may chuve thnl for cicrci-'t.-, hi-y! S(>nKti Uy ! 
Ceiiiuii ! I^>ukV lirn\ Mr Ciipc, I Imd U5 pretty 
natural parts, lu fitic talents ! — but, bctweeu you 
aod Ii I tind as damned fo<d of » ^unnlian, an 
loratit. illiterate, ecod— he could lu »oou pay 
natioDdl debt n» write liis ott n niiiTie, uikI so 
rcsnlvcd to mat^e hi-^ wiinl oo wixer than 
If, I iJiii.lL 
Sftri^kl. I> lie, ^IrCad^valltlder, you don't do 

Cupr, Indcetj, sir, we must contradict you, we 
can't aulTer thi^ defamnliou. I Iiuve uiure than 
once besnl Mr C'lidwallactcr'* literary acquisi- 
tion* loudly fnllicd uf. 

CatL Have \nu ? — no, no, it cannot he, liey ! 
thooi^h, let nir tell you, Inst »%iiiter, before I had 
the iQcn^lFK, I cuuld bavc ui-tde usgood ii speech, 
DfKMi any aulijcct, in Italinil, Frfm-li, Cfrniati — 
but t am all uiiliuigi-d ' — »ll — <Hi, L"id, M( 
Cape, ibis i» IteeLy; oiy dear Declty, child, till^ 
U a fiTvai (Mtei — idi. but ^be cI-h-^ tint knciw whnt 
that 14 — u liltle fiHilt^ or so, but ufa very gtnid 
tamiU — Iterr, IhiLy, cbihl, won't you ask Mr 
Cam to COiiic and 4ce ynu? 

ifrt Cad. \» Dicky siiys, I ftlinll be gtad to 
9ce TUti at our liouw, sir. 

(*9pf. I hnvo too great a retard fur my ovun 
bapmne*!*!. miidnm, to tu)» to certain an uppoi- 
lunitv of cfeniinc iL 
MrB Caii. llcv! what? 

Cape. My inciiiinlitios. a4 well as mv duty. I 
will C(tui)'cl Mie to iibcy your kind iiij<jitc- 

JWn CaJ. Wbit does Iw wy, our Bril ? 

Ara, Ot^ liuit Im: euu bavc no greater plea- 
grr tfian *vaitiȣ tin yuii. 

Mr* Ctid I'm *urc ibiti's more bin coodnrss 
tdbu my dr'^-rt; but wlieii you hen't better en- 
I ^a^cAf HC aluiuld be glad of your company of an 


crening, to make one with our Didty, tisler BeU* 
aod I, at whisk and swabbers. 

Cml. ilcy. ccoti, do, Cape, o me md look ai 
hrr |j,ruttu and slicll^ and we what Hie bas got~— 
VWII, he'll come, Beck — ecod, do, and she'll come 
to tlic lliirfl nii;lit uf ycitir lriii;vdy, hey ! won't 
vuii, Ueck i Isn't shea linesirl? liey, you: humour 
tier a littlp, do — ITey, Reck ! be say> ynii arc a* 
line D wonmii as ever lie — ecud, wlio knows but 
he may iimke a ropy of verse-* on you f — There, 
go and liBve a little diat uith her, talk any non- 
u>u»e to tier, no mntier wlmi ; bhe's a damned 
fool, niKi wnn'l know the dillcrenif! — llicrc, ftOk^^^H 
Ikck— Well, Spnitlitly. liey! whiil ! are you aiia'^^| 
Uell like to come r-igctbrr? Oh, ecod, llity icU ^^% 
iae, Mr Sprif<litly, tbat you ha«e frequently lords, 
and viaouunts, ai>d enrU, Umt take a dinner with 
you ; now I altould luok upon it as a very par- 
ticuliir favour, if yuu would invite me at the samo 
lime, hey ! will you ? 

Soright. You may dc^nd on it. 
Cad. V\'ill you? Gan, tliat'» kind: for be- 
tween you and ], MrSpri'^htly, I itm of at ni>- 
cieiit a fiuiiily o» llic best uf tJiem; and peopls 
uf fa>liioii sbould know one another, you know. 
Sprigkt. By utl manmr uf luvans. 
Ca*t. Hey! should not they su^ When von 
hnic any lord ur bnn^i, nuy, cfiad, if it be biit a 
baronet ur » nienibcr of pitrliRroeiit, I should 
tuLr it .-It n favour. 

Sriri^ht. V(i[i will do diem bonfHir; they muiC 
dl (lavc heard of Ute aotiquitv of your house. 

Cad. Antiquity ! hey ! Beck, wbere's my per 
di^rec ? 

Mrt Cad. Why, at home, locked up ia the 
butler's pjintry. 

Cad. In Ihc pnntry ! What the devil ! how 
often have I bid you never come out wiihout it f 
Mrx Cad. LtTtl ! what si;;nilic9 carrying such 
a liunbcriiij; ihiac about? 

Cud. SiiiuifiesI you area fool. Deck. Why, 
■suppose we should liavr any diKputcM when we 
are abroad ubi'ut precedence, now the rlovil 
•■liall wc lie able to settle it ? But yuu atiall see 
It nl lionte. U!i Uccky, coiul- hitlier; ne will 

refer our diiipute to [Thry ^o apart. 

Aru. Well, «r. your friend has urevuilcil, and 
rou are ncquniuted with my brotiier; but wliai 
UM' vini pfiipuae — 

C.Hfic. The pLeiuurc of a more frequrnt udmis- 
Mon to you, 

Ara.'U that all? 

Cape. VVIu> knows but a strict tntittuey widi 
Mr Cadwulluder moy in time incline luni to f*- 
vour my liupes? 

Am. \ Muuly foundatioo ! — Could Iw be pre- 
vmlcd upon to Torsive your want of fortumi, the 
obscurity, or, nt, uncertaiuty, of yuur birtli, 
will prove an uiisiirnmuntahlc bar. 

C*td- Hold, hutil, liddj Bock; — xouuU! yoa 
arc WJ — 




Ihright. Well, but hear him oat, madam. 
Cape. Consider, we have but an iostant. What 
project? What advice? 

Ara. O 6e ! You would be ashamed to receive 
snrcoQr from a weak woman ! — Poetry ia your 
profession, you know ; so that plots, contrivan- 
ces, and ail the powers of ima^oation, are more 
pecnliariy your province. 

Cape. ly> this a season to ralW ? 
Cad. Hold, hold, hold ! ask Mr Cape. 
Ara. To be serious, then; if you have any 
point to gain with my brother, your application 
must be to his better part. 

Cape. I understand you ; plough with the hei- 

Ara. A delicate allnsion, on my word ! but 
take this hint — Amongst her passioni^ admira- 
tion, or rather adoration, is the principal. 
- Cape. Oh ! that is tier fuible ? 
Ara. One of them ; against that fort you must 
plant your batteries — But here they are. 
' Mft Cad. I tell you, you are a nonsense man. 
and I won't agree to any such thing: — Why, 
what uunilies a parliament man i You make such 
a rout, indeed. 

Cad. Hold, Becky, my dear, don't he in a pas- 
noD now, hold ; let us reason tlie thii^ a little, 
my dear. 

Mrt Cad. I teH you I wont— what, is the man 
an oaf ? 1 wont rea»m ; — 1 hate reason ; and so 
there's an end oQ*t. 

Cad. Why, then, you are obstinate, ecnd, per- 
verse. He}, but my dear, now! Becky, thats a 
good ^1 ; — Uey ! come, |iuld, hold — ilgad, well 
liter It to Mr Cape. 

Mrt Cad. Defer it to who yon will, it will sig- 
nify nothing. 

Cape. Bless me ! what's the matter, madam ? 
— i^re, Mr Cadwalladcr, you must have been 
to blame ; no inconsiderable matter could haie 
raffled the natural softness of that tender and de- 
licate mind. 

^ra. PrettT well commenced. 
Mn Cad. Why, he's always a fool, T think ; 
he wants to send our little Dicky to sdiaol, and 
make him a pariiament-man. 

Cm>e. How old is master, madam ? 
' 3ari Cad. Three years and a quarter, come 
' Qtpe. The intention is rather enrly. 

Cad. Hey ! early ? hold, bold ! but Becky 
mistakes the thii^— Egad, I'll tetl you the whole 

Mrt Cad. You had better hold your chatter- 
ii^ so you had. 

Cad. Nay, prithee, my dear! Mr Sprightly. 
do stop her mouth ; hold, hold. The matter, Mr 
Cape, is this. Have you ever seen my Dicky i 

Cape. Never. 
' Cad. No ! huld, hold ; 'egad he's a fine, a sen- 
sible child; I tell Becky he's like her, to keep 
her in humour ; but, between you and 1, he has 

more sense already than all ber family pot tc^e- 
ther. Hey ! Bed^y, is not Dicky the picture of 
you ? He's a sweet child. Now, Mr Cape, yoa 
must know, I want to put little DicJtj to adbod ; 
now between — hey I you, hold, you, bold, the 
great use of a school is, hey ! c^ad, for children 
to make acquaintances that may hereafter be 
useful to them : For, between yoa and T, as n> 
what they learn there, it does not ngnify two- 

Cape. Not a farthing. 

Cad. Does it, hey ?— Now, this is oar diipate, 
whether poor little Dicky (he's a sweet boy) shall 
ifo to Mr Qux-Genius*s at Edgware, and make 
an acquaintance with ray young lord Knap, die 
eldest son of the carl of Frize, or to Dr Ttckl^ 
pitcher's at Bamet, tn form a friendship with 
young Stocks the rich broker's only cfatld. 

Cape. And for which does the lady detenninef 

Cad. Why, I have told her tlie case — says ^ 
Beckv, my dear, who knows, if IMcky goes to 
Quse^Genius's, but my lord Knap may take sodi 
a fancy to him, that upon the death of his fiidier, 
and he comes to be carl of Frixe, he may make 
poor little Dicky a member of parliaxoent ? Uty, 
V ape? 

Mrt Cad. Ay ; but, then, if Di^y goes to 
Tickle-pitcher's, who can tell but Toui^ Stocki^ 
when he comes to his fortune, may lend him mo- 
ney if he wants it ? 

Cad. And, if he does not want it, he won't 
tnkc after his father, hey ? Well, whu^ yodr 
opinion, Mr Cape? 

Capr. Why, Bir,Ican't but jwn with thelady; 
money is the main article ; it it that that makei 
the mare to go. 

Cad. Hey I egad, and the alderman, too, ym : 
so Dicky may m a member, and a fig for my 
lord : Well, Becky, be quiet ; he shall stick to 

Mrt Cad. Ay, let'n ; I was sure as how I was 

Cad. Well, hush, Becky. Mr Cape, will yea 
eat a bit with us to-day, bey ! will you ? 

Cape. You command me. 

Cad. That's kind : why, then, Becky and Bell 
shall step and order the cook tu toss op a Httk 
nice— —Hey ! will you, Becky ? Do, and HI 
brin? Cnne. 

JIfrs Cad. Ay, with all my heart. Well, Mr 
What-d'ye-call-um, the poci; ecod thte lotn'i 
well enough — Your sen*anL 

Cape. 1 am a little too much in dishabille to 
ofTcr your ladyship my hand to your coach. 

Cad, Psha! never mind, I'll do ifr— Here 
you have company coming. 

[Exeunt Mr and Mas Cadwallajiu tad 

Enter GovERKOR and Robih. 
Cape. Ah, Mi Robin ! 

Foot E.J 



K*fr. Why, you hare hftd « greot levee this 
moniipg, *tr. 

Capf. Ajr, RotHD, there's no obscuring extra- 
ontiiiurr tnlenLv 

Hot. 1'ruff. »r ; and thtti friend uf mine hef;;* 
to cluiui the bcoclil of tlictn. 

Cwpe, Any frieod of yuan : but how cnu I be 
•crvioeKble io him P 

Roh. Why, sir, he is lately returned from a 
pm6tatil(> goTPTnincnt; nnd, ns yoo Luuw the ur»- 
■idrfcd tuiud of man, no booncr is oue object 
fomtMtd^ but another &turt6 up tii — 

Cmp«. A trace to moraii/in^ dear Robin; to 
the maner ; I mm a httle hu•^y■ 

itofr. In a wurd, then, lhi<i c^nlletnnn, hnriug 
s good deal of wealth, is dcstruus uf a little ho- 

C^ipe. Hnvr cnn I confer U } 

Hob, Your pen mny. 

tlapt, I don't uiiileratand vou. 

fiofr. ^Vhy, loucli him up a handsome contpli- 
■MOtai^ aildrrs» from lii^ colony, by wtiy of 
pmumi the prudence of hi& aihmni^tratiun, his 
jortice, valour, bcnctolence, nw\ 

Ctf^r. I am sorry 'tis iinptH^ibln frw mfl now to 
sniiundvnuiid you. The obiijnitiuus I owu you, 
Robin, n'Mhiiti; can atncrl ; ottier^iso, tliii \fouli] 
pmre onr Inst inlerriew.— Yotir frirmf, sir, has 
occo a little miMukcn, in rvcoiunKMiibni* mv as n 
person tit for your purpoiie. Letters hiive been 
alwaya my pauiun, aud, indeed, nrc nnvir my 
profcvsina ; but, tbout*U I uui tlit; ^-rvuni uf the 
public, I aiu not the prostltulc of putticulBrs: 
As nty pen has mrver lieeii tiiis:ccl nitli inijt tu 
iratifv popular re»cntinmL, or private pique, mi 
It tfiBll nc*er Micritirc iu intcs;nty lo Qtiiicr pride, 
'ituytf^p f»l<«lttMM), nr palliate puilt. Ynfir uient 
nwT br jrrrnl ; but, let those, Mr, be the heruld* 
of yitur worth, «hn nre belter acqiininlcd wirli it. 

Ow- Yuuiif* mnn, X lide your principle mikI 

r'ril ; your nuiiily refusnl itives me more pleiisure 
in any bunours your pii|K.-rt cuuld haw pro- 
cured tne. 

Sfrigkt. Now, this business ift dispnicbed. let 

o» return to our o«n a^iirs Yuu diitc at Cad- 

walbuler'* ? 

Ca(*f. I do. 

Sprt^lti. Would it not be coovcnietiC to you to 
ba«e litiu out rif t)tc way. 

C<i//r. Extrtracly. 

fright. I hove a project that I think will pre* 

Cape, or wfaDt kind ? 

Sprigkt. Borrteriim nprm the dnmatir; but 
Ae citnp is Ml prcshins, I Hinll be nt a lu*^ to pro- 
cure performers. Let's see — Itobin is n Mire c«rd 
—HI principnl luay citHlv be nut with ; but wltere 
ibe nriin* cun I get nn interpreter ? 

fLttf. <_)lipr yourself, *ir ; it will give ynii an 
opportunily o( more closely iuspcrtiiip the con- 
(ma of your ton. {AkuIc la Gov. 

tir«v. Tnic. Sir, thou|^ ■ bclMmo of this aort 

may ill nitt with my character and time of lifc^ 
yet, fnim a private inUre^t I laki in ihnt (cenU** 
man's MfTnirs, if tbe n<e&ns ore trf>n<>urnbte — 

iipnfihf. Inrvtreni, np«n niv credit. 

Cirp. Why, tlieo, sir, 1 have nn objcctioOt if 
you think me eqnal to ih** taik 

Spri^hl. Mn^t Imppilr 6tiPd for it. I should 
rmt have taken the liberty — But hufth ! he's r«- j 


Sprieht. My dear friend I Uie luckiest drcuifr- 

Coii. Hey ! how ? Stay, bey ! 

fyhgitt. You aec chat genilctnanF 

Cad. Well, hey ! 

Sftngiil. Do yuu know «hn he it? 

Cad. Not I. 

Sprtght. tie is interpreter to prmoe Potowow- 

'Cad. Wowsky !— Who the devil is be t 

SprtpMt. Why, the Ttirtarian prince, that's 
couLC over ambassador from the Cbum of tfa« 
Cal mucks. 

Cad. Indeed! 

Sprigkl. His hipjbncss has jost Sttit me an to- 
vilaljon to dine with him : now every body (hat 
dint-s with a Tartarian lord hus a right Vt carry 
Willi liim tvltat ihc liitins called his tiM^a; ta 
their lBnp;uai;e it n jattlaaoiuky. 

CW. j&bbnou^ky ! well. 

Spright. Now, it you will go in that cnpadly, 
I ahail be (i^lad of the honour. 

Cad. Ik-y ! «hy» would you carry me to dine 
uilh his ruyiil highorss? 

S/>nfki. With pleasure. 

Cad, My denr friend, I sluill take it as the 

^riiitetit favour, the greatest obligiuiou 1 shall 

never lie oble In rchim it. 

S/irif:iit. Don't mention it. 

Cud. Hey ! but hold, hold, how the devil ihaU 
I uct otf mill ilio poet ! You know I liare asked 
luiu lo dinner. 

Spriicfii. Ohi (he occnsioa will be apolo^ miF- 
6ricnf ; besides, there nill be the looies to re* 
crivf him. 

Cad. Mv dear Mr Cape, I beg ten thousand 
pardt'On 1 but here your friend is invited to din- 
ner with prioco ^' what tbe dcrii i* bis 


Suriffkt. Potowowsky. 

Cad. IViic; now, Mr, enH) be ImsbeensokimJ 
as to otTer m carry nie as his j^amnisky; would 
VfMi be Mt cikkI (o rtcuse 

Copf. Hv all means; not a word. 1 hei;. 

Cad. 'I hnt is etcccdins Wind ; 1*11 come tr.> yoo 
after dinner ; hey! sltiy, but is lliere any eert- 
monr lu be used wiih liirt hiuhness^ 

.Sprieht. Voii dine upon nirpets, rrrtw-lepjed. 

Cad. Iley ! Iiold, hold ! crosvlecrol ! fiumb ! 
tlint'sodd; trrll, well, yuu slinll teiu-h nie. 

Spiight. And ht» higlioese u pariicularly ple»> 


acd with those amongst hb gue&ts that do honour 
to hb counirjr wup. 

CnJ. Oil ! let nic alone for thftt :— But should 
not I drcu ? 

Sorighi. So ; there's no occuion for it 

Lad. Deur rrieixl, forgirn me ; nottiiiiE bhnuld 
take mc froni von. hut being n hnbblmwiskv. 
Well, rit go Bod Htudjr to sit cross-legged, till 
jou cnll mc. 

Spright. Do so. 

Cad. His highness Potowowsky ! This is the 
luckieit accident I [ Krit Cad. 

Cape, ila, ha, ho \ — but bow will you con- 
durl ynuT untcrprixe f 

Sprighl. VVe'U carrv him to your friend R«>- 
bin's ; drew up one of (lie under actors ia a ri- 
diculous habit : tliis iccntlcuinn shall talk r little 
gibberish with him. I'll compose u soup of some 
Aauseous ingredients ; let me alone to maoage- 
But do you cboosc, i^ir, tlic purt we hiive n^ 
_ i^Dcd yuu f 

Gov. As it seems to be. but a harmle^ piece 
of mirth, 1 bare uu objection. 

Spright. Well, then, let us about it: comc^ 

Cape. MrSprightiv? 

Spright. Whni'n the matter? 

Capt. Would it not be ri^t to be a little spruce, 
H Uttfe swart, upon this occasion i 

Sprigilt. No doubt ; dretsi dresa, man ; ao 
time is to he Inst. 

Cape Well, but, Jack, I cannot aay tbat at 
present I 

Spright. Prithee explain. What would you 

Cmpe. Why, then, I cannot say that I har<! 
any nther jptnncnLs at home. 

Spright. Oh, I understimd you; is that allF 
Ili're, Imre, take my 

Cape. Dear Sprightly, I am quite ashamed, 
and sorry. 

Spright. Thot'» not sooblij-in^ Ceorne; whaf, 
sorry to give luc the i(rratcst pleasure that — But, 
I hnic no time for spcetheg^ I muse mn to get 
ready rav soup. Come, gcntJamcn. 

Rut: IJid voQ observe, sir? 

Got. Mast feeling)^ ! But it will soon be orcr. 

HtA. Courage, uti tines, pe^lulp^ nsy 

Cape. A poor prospea. Itobin ! But tbii 
scheme of life ai la&t nnisl be chiiii^) : foriibat 
spirit, with the Icaiit siKirk ui i^enerosity, can np- 
purl n lite uf eiorrml obli^liun iind disagnvt- 
blo drudgery? Inclmaiuin nnt consulted, gjconis 
cramped, uiid talents misapplied ! 

What priwpcct have Uiosc authors to bo read, 
Whose doily nritiitgs earn their daily bread! 

ACT n. 


YovkqCatz and Mas Cadwaliadcr, at 

Mri CatL You want four, and I two, and my 
deal : uow, knore noddy — no, hearts be trumps. 

Capt. 1 bee. 

Mrs CAid. Will you stock ihem? 

Cape. Goon, if you please, madam. 

Airs Cflrf. Hearts again- tme, two, three ; 

orw, two— liang them, they won't slip, thtvv. — 
Diamonds — tlic two: have you higher than tht 

Cape. No, madam. 

Sir$ Cad, TIteu tlicrc's highest — and Invest, 
by gosh ! Games are even ; yuu ure to d«U. 

Cape. Pshaw, banc cards ! there aru other 
amusements better suitcrl to a tctc-&-tete, than 
■ny of the four uces can ufiurd us. 

Jl/ri Cad. VVhnt pastimes be they ? Wc bcn't 
enoupli fur huut die whisllr, ivur blind mnn's bulT: 
but 111 rail our Bell, and Rubin the butler.— 
Dicky will be here by and bv. 

Capf. Hold a minute. I Iiave a game to pro- 
pose, where the presence of a third pcrvin, p^ 
pecittlly Mr Cadwaihider's, would totally ruin the 

Mrt Cad, Ay ! wliat can iliat be? 

Cap^. Cnn*t you guess? 

jtlri C4id. Not 1 ; questions and r niiimdlt 

CajtT. Not uhtolutely that — some little mcm- 
tilatice ; fur I am to request, aud you ore to c«a* 

Mrt Cad. Oh, daii^ ! that's chanmng; Inertr 
played at thitt in all my bom days ; come, bepur 

Cape. Can you love me? 

Mrt Cad. Love yuu ! But is it in jest or esr- 
nest ? 

Cape. That b as you please to dettrmioe. 

Mr$ Cad. But maynl 1 ask you quatJoi^ 

('«;v. Doubtless. 

Mn Cad. Why, llw^n, dn yon Iotc me? 

Cfl/ir. Willi idi ruy wiul ! 

Mrs Cad. Vpon your sayso? 

Cape. \^pf»i iiiv MtVMt. 

Mrt Cad. I'm etsul uii'i. wiili all my hmtt— 
This is the rarest pastime ! 

Cape, But yuu Iwvc not answered ny molt- 

Mrs Cati. Iley ? that's true. Why, I bdiirt 
tlierc's no love hxt. 

Cope. So; ourgaincwill •um>u be over; I ilisll 
be up at a drnl. I wi^h I muvn't lie eniigcd i* 
pjwy (Iteper liere llian 1 intended, tbaugh. [jti* 






JWr< C^id. Wet! ; now *tn your turn. 

Capf. Trac, ny ; but, z(M>ks vou ure too haaty ! 
diA pwBMirc of this plav, like hunting, does iiot 
ctumui in immediately- chopping the prey. 

lfr> Cad. No ! huw then f 

Capf. ^Vhy, lint, I am to start you ; ttten ran 
jau m licdc m riew : then losr you ; then anrn- 
vcl all the tricks uid duuUcs yuu make to CBCupc 

You fly o'er hedge and stile, 
1 pwnw fur mBny a loilc : 
Yoo grow tired «t hiai, and qunt ; 
Heft I citch you, and all th&t. 

Ifri Cuet. D«ir roe, there's a deal oii'l ! I 

I nevnr be able tu buld out lung ; 1 had ra- 

' be taken in view. 

^pc. I behcie y«w. 
' Mr$ CodL Well, come, be^in ami start rac, 
thM I may come ilie Mionef to quottuii* — hush ! 
here'* Mster; wiint the deuce bnjught her? I^Jl 
will be fur Icnruiug thiA ^uic, too; but doit't you 
each Uer, lur your life, Mr Poet ! 

£n(er An^BELLA. 

Am. Your mantua-maker, with your new sack, 

Jtfrt CoA U Ibit all f She might hnve staid, I 

Ara. Whatf You were better enRaecd ? But 
doa't be luipry ; I ran sorry I interrupted vou. 

Jtfn CW. Ilev ! Now wilt I be lmnf;e<f if she 
beo'l jealnus of Mr (*net; but I'll liftteii, luid MX 
tbe eud ou't, I am resolved. 

[Aiidf, and exit. 

Af^A. Are yua coDccmcd at tlic mtcrruption, 


Cvpt. It tvas ■ very scaMinnhtc one, I promibe 
you: had yOu staid u little lonccr, I don't know 
w*a* might liave been cbc consequence. 

Ara. No dant;er to your perwii, I hope } 

G^ Some little attacks upon IL 

Am. Which were as feebly resisted. 

Viipe. Why, cnnsidf^r, my dunr Hell, thoai;h 
your mtrr i> a foot, bhe t& a fine wumun, and 
flesh t% fmil. 

Am. Dear Bell ! and flesh ia frail \ we arc 
growD strmngcly familinr, I ttiiuk. 

Capf, lley-duy? In whiit corner bits (he wind, 

Ant. Where it mny pn»ib1y blow strong 
nough to ovcnct your hopes^ 

Cape. That a breeze of your breath can do. 

Am. Artected! 

Cape, You are oblii^iniz. madam; but, proy, 
vtat u the meaning of alT this i 

Ara. A'Jk vtnir own guilty conscience. 

Cflfr. Were I uicline<l to flatter myself, this 
fniie pASsion would bo no bad prcsfleci. 

Arv. Yoo may prove ii fnlbc prvp£e«. 

Cape. Ix-t me die if T know what to-— but to 
descend to a little common sense; what part of 
my conduct — 

Ara. Look'c, Mr Cape, alt explanatinns Are 
unnecessary : 1 hare been lucky enough to di^ 
cover your diKMnition l/cforc it is too late ; and | 
so you know tbere's no ocauion — but, however. I 
111 nttt be any impediment to yoo : my sister will i 
be back immediately ; I Mippnse my presence 

will iinty but coiiuder, sir, I tmvc a tiroilicr'i 


Cape. Which is mt siifc from tnc, as if it was 
locked up in your brother*6 closet ; but surely, 
Ukadnm, you are a litUe capnciiiu» here; have I 
done any thing tmt obey your dirf^tiuns? 

Ara. That was founded upon a suppositiot^ 
lliat hut no matter. 

Cape. Thnt, what? 

Ara. Why, I was weak enough to believe^ 
what you wns wicked enounh to protest — 

Cape. That I loved you i and what reason 
have 1 (jiven jou to doubt it? 

Ara. A pretty Mtiwliou I found you in at mj , 

Cape. An assuoKd warmth, for tbe better caiH 
cenling die fraud. 

Mrs Cad. Whal^ thnt? [Atide, lUtrning. 

CtJ/K. Surely, if yon doubted niv ootistancy, 
you oiust have a better o|nnioii of mj uoder>- 

Mrt'Cad. Mighty well! {Audi, 

Cape. Wiiat an idiot, n driraller ! no conude- 
mtion upon earth, but luv paving the way tu tho 
p«!it«fwinn of you, could liove prevailed upon me ' 
to support Iter folly a niiiiulc. 

Enter MbS CADWALl.AttCIl. 

Mn Cad. Sub ! Mr Poet, you are a pretty ' 
geullcinnn, iiKlue d ; ecod, lui gtnd I have cHU)!hk | 
you. I'm not »urh a fool as you think for, man; ' 
but here will be Tricky presently ; he shull bear ; 
of your tricks he shall : I'll let him know what ft 
pretty penon he has got in his bouse. 

Cape- lliere's no parrying this ; bad not f bet- 
ter decamp i 

Ara. And leave roe to ibe mercy of the ene- 
my ? Mj brothei''s tcmptr is w *»ad, there's no 
knuwini; ni Mtint linhi lit-'ll Me this. 

Afri i'ad. Oh, lie's below ; 1 hear him. Noir 
nc shall ht-nr whnt hc'U say to you, madam. 

Enter CADTfiLLAvts, Governor, SpRioaTLT, 
and KoBifi. 

Cad. No. pray walk in, Mr Interpreter; be- 
Iwedi you nnd 1, 1 like his royal hijihiicss mighc- 
ily; he's a polite, pretty, wclf-bred gcnilcuton — 
but damn his siiup ! 

Cfi: Why, sir, you eat as tf vou liked IL 
CaU. Liked it ! hey, egad, \ would not eat 
aooihet QIC5S to be Ins master's prime mmister; 




fi» bitter as gmll, and u black as my hat; nnd 
Ibcn: have I bci-o sitting thcie two boim wiib 
B17 kt;3 uurler me, till tbey ore both u dead a» a 

C'o>'<'. Your dinner displeased you ? 

Cc/r/. Displeased ! bcj ! look'e, Mr SprigbiJv. 
Fin ini|;htilv obiigt-d to you for the huiiuur; but 
liold. huid f vou thidl never persuade mc to be a 
bubblinwi&ky ogaiu, if the great cbam of the Cal- 
I mua weri! (o oume orer biinself. Hey 1 uwl 
wliat a dntnncd lfliiguu|[e he tiu got ! Wbec, 
bRM. haw — but vou speak it verv fluently. 

OoB I was long rcsidcot ia tJte country. 

Cad. May be ■ait, hut be teeou to ^>ciLk tt bet- 
ter ; yu luiru u foreicn kiud of an acccul : you 
don't sound it tlirough tJic noie »o well as lie. — 
llcf ! well, lircky, what, and how hare you en- 
tertained Mr Capt? 

Mrt Cud. Oh! here hare been iinc doings 
Bncc you bavf: been gone ! 

Capt. So ; now cotttes on the storm. 

Cad. Ucy ! hold, liotd ! what haft been tl>e 

Jfri Cad. tilmXUiT ! why, the devil is in Uic 
poet. I think ! 

Cud. I'he deril I bolit 

j)/rt C^d. Why. here be hfts been making lore 
10 nie jikt bewitched. 

Ctd. How! which way? 

Mr* Cad. Why, some on*t wa» out of lus po- 
etrr, I think. 

lW. Iley ! Imld, hold ! e^nd. I l>f>lievc he's a 
little luad : tliis inoniiiif> he took ine fur king 
Tomus, you; now, who can tell but tliis aftet^ 
tUHHi he inay take you for queen Dido ? 

AIrt Cad. And iherc lie udd me 1 was to run. 
and to double and quat, aud diere he was to 
catcti roe, and all that. 

Cad. Huld, hold! Catch you? Mr Cape. 1 
taki' it very auLiodly ; it iros^ d'ye see, n very 
unfrifudly thing to make luvc to Becky in Uky 

Cupf. But, sir 

Cad. And it was tlw more ungroerous, Mr 
Cape, to tnkc this advantsge, as you know the » 
but u fiKjIitJi wonmn. 

Sir* Cud, Ay, me, who am hut a fooli^ WQ- 

C*ipe. But hear mc ! 

Cad. A pot>r, iriionuit, ilhterate, poor Dedcy ! 
And for a uian of your parts to attack 

Cape, niere's no 

Cttd. Mold, hold ! ccod. it is just as if cbe 
Grand Sigmor, at the head of his jauissarics, was 
to kick « rtiimney-swoeper. 

MtMCud. llry ! wliiit's ilmt you say. Dkky? 
what, he I like a ehimnev-SAeepcr ? 

Cad. Hev ! hold. h.ild I Zounds ! do, Beck ! 
bty ! no ; iti.ii*'. niily hy wny '"f simile, to let him 
Mv I undemtand hift tropes and figures as well aii 
hin)«eli', fjnid .' nnd therefore — 

Sprigkt. ^ay i but, Mr Cadwaltuder — 

»d: ai 
his your J 


Cad. Don't nif ntion it, Mr Sprightly ; he's Ac ' 
tir^t |Mjet 1 every bad in toy buube, c&cvpt the 
bclltnan for aChristiuos-box. 

Spright. Good ur 1 

Old. And^liold, bold ! I am molTed be shall 
Lc the last. 

lipri^ht, I have but one way to uleooe hhn. 

Cud. And let oie teU you — 

Sjtright. Nay. ■tir. I must tell him ; be ovrs 
his reception, here, Ui my rrcoramendauoM ; am 
ab'isc ol vuur goodueu, any breach of hospitali- 
ty, liere, be is antwerabic to ne for. 

C^d. Hey ! bold, hold ; so be isy ecvd : ai 
him ; give it liim boit»e. 

fiprig/it. UniEruteful monster ! And is this y 
return, for the open, prncraus trcatmcst- 

Mri Cad. Aa i;ood fried cow-faecJ, 
mast roMrt and saus^if^e^ as ever uun£ to 

Cad, Uusb, Beck, hush; 

SprigAt. And could you find do otber c^grtt 
but Mr Cudwalladcr; a toaa, [lerhaps povsewd 
ot a t;r.inus superior to your own 

C^ll^. If 1 hud Imd a niiiierNiy edurutioo — 

^/'^^A^ .\nd of a t'uiuily as old ai, the cm- 
tiou ! 

C-rtd. Older ; Beck, fetch the p<->dignF 

Sfirig/it. 'llius fill relaicio to this genlterDui; 
but (10 r., Mr. what apolticy no vou maLetB^ 
who nas ytiur pns>«port, yi>ur s^iiiritj? 

Cad. /oniids. nour- ! light bun ! 

Spriffltt. FiEhl hini ! 

i.ud. Ay, do; I'll fipht bin* mysdr, if I W 
not had the measles lust ivtnter; but stay ttU I 
get out of the room, 

Spright. No : he's sure of a (irotectioo hein 
the pfe»encc of the ladicii. 

Cad. P^ia, pux ! they belong to the lamilyi 
never mind them. 

Spright. U'idl, sir, are jou domb? No a* 
CU9«? No pnllintion? 

Cad. Ay; iMt palliation? 

Mrt Cud. Ay ; no iribulatian ? Tu a ifauafc 
so it i^. 

Cape. When I hai-e leave to speak— 

Old. Stwok ! what the devil cau yua say? 

Cape, Nay, sir ■ 

Spriji;H. Let's hear biro, Mr Cadwalladl^ 

Cad, Hold, hold ! come, t>oi:in, then. 

Cape. And ltr»t to you, Mr ^pni;!)!^, i» m 
you seem most interested; pray, doca this dMBtf 
corre»i)oiMl with imy other action of tut Wt 
biiiw I have bad the honour to know your 

SprifiAt- Iiulcrd, I rnn't say tliot I rectJIectt 

but still OS tttc schoUasis AVma rtpenU ttf 


Cud. Hold, hold ; wliat's that ? 

Spright. Why, that ts as mudi as to fay, tki 
is bnd enough. 

JIfrt Cnd. By eo&h ! and so it is. 

Cud. lurod. and sn it is t %pe«dL a little awt 
Latin 10 him; if I had bcco bred at the ooirfl* 


BRlttstt 6rAMA. 

nty, jou should liafc It botti v6ta of joiir 

Cvpf, A littlf? pntiriKTf (rpntlrmrn : now, «ir, 
to you. You wore (tlcu<>4?rl vour^clf fi drop a 
ftm hints of roar bdr's wcnk'nciin ; might not she 
take tao wt^usl; what wns mpunt m n tdck 
matter n( tnernment > 

<W. I lev! hold, hold ! 

Shiri^kl. A pahry «xcu«e; oin any wnmnn be 
■BCD a |Vm)I h.\ not tu know whcu u man bat a dc- 
lagB npon her per»on * 

Cm. Amwcr that, Mr Cape, htv\ Answer 

C«f*e. I can only aoiiver ft»r the \nnf>ctncy of 
niT own intcntiDns : mtiy not ymir lady, nppre- 
hnuiTc of my bcrijming hm trrril a iMvOoriTc, 

caotrivc thu aur|^ with a view ut' deairuying Uu: 

IbHI^r. Conucrtion ! 

cWl H«7 ! hold, hold '. coTinecrion? 

^trigkl. Thtfe'% swnfihiiii; in iliut — 

C«tf. Hey ! in there f hold, hild, hpv 1 vond. 
lie it ri(»hi — yoii'rf ri^hr, Mr Cape; hol<i, Bp(4.v. 
my dear, how the devil could t>iu be so ^t-icltwi, 
mj I cMM ; ecod, hold, hold ! h^w cotdd you have 
the ■tdwdncss lo attempt to dcrtroy tlic connec- 
tion ! 

Mn CWrf. 1 ion*t know what yoo 9«t. 

Cmd. D'ye hear? Yoo are nn incendiary, hot 
you h*ve miaaed yonr piiint; tlic c^-morrtion rimll 
be only the ■trongcr : Sty denr friend, I beg ten 
ihooMnd ptnfcms. I was too hasty ; b^tt, ccoJ, 
BeckyS to blane. 

Cape. The return of your fa^'onr his effiKcd 
Cfcry other tmprwfloo. 

CW. Tliefe'^ a gooil-narurcd creature ! 

Ctee, Bm if yoo have the lca»t doubts remain- 
>n|, tnia hdy, yoar sister, 1 believe, will do me 
ditia«ie« to owa — 

jHfi C*J. Ay, ask my fellow if I be a thief! 

(W. What the de«il is Beckv nt now> 

JUrt CW. She's B» bad as be.' 

CW. Bwt as he !— Hey ! bow ! what the devil ! 
ibe did not make lo^e to you too? Stop, hey ! 
bold, hold, bold ! 

Jtfirs Cod. Whv no, foo[i%h — hot vou arc always 
nniBUi^ on with your ri{y>mnnriiM-lc.^ and won't 
•wr Id bemr a body's stnrv out. 

ChC Well. Becli ! rome. let'i hare it, 

Mn CodL Be ifniet then; vhv, »s I wa« tpllinfr 
TOa, first be made love to me^ and xianicd me to 
W • hare ( 

rW. A hare ! hold, erod, thnt wM whimsical ! 
s hare! hey f dh, ecod, that rnii*ht tie beciiii^e hf- 
thomcfai vou a little hnir-l»mined nlirwilv, Itcrky ! 
a daraftrd £ Shiry ; Well, Becky, gO on, lct% 
Inre ii out. 

Mrt Cad. Not I wDo^l tell you no tbore, so I 

Out Nmy, orylhee, Brrfc ! 
Mips (^d. uoM yuur icnguc then : — and so 

there he was pjin^ on wMt htt ncmsense ; tnd m 
in came oitr IVIt : and so— 

Cad. Hold, hold, Becky ,— damn your so's ; po 

on, child, h[it Iravc nut vnorso's; tis a low — 

hold, hold, vuhar — hut go on. 

Mrs Cad. Whv, how can I jjo on, when tou 
Slop ra« every tnmutc ? W* II, and then nur Bell 
rnmc in, and interrupted him ; and incthought 
•>he lf>nked very frumpish and jealous. 
Cad, Well. 

Afrt Cud. And sol went out and tiirencd. 
(W. -So; what, yoti staid and listened / 
Mrt Cad. No ; I tcti yoo, upon my staytnc 
^•ht went out ; no— upon my going out,' slio 

Ciid. This is a damned blind story ; but go on. 

Mri Cad. And then at first she irotdrtl him 
roundly for mRl'tnif love to me : and theu he said, 
as how 4w adv-iwrt him to it : and dten she said 
no; and ihcii heMiiiJ — 

C'irf. Hold, hold ; «c shall never underitand 
nil ihese hr'nand nKeN; tiii« may ail he very true. 
Beck, but hold, hutd; as I liopo'to bes»cd,t)iou 
art the worst teller of a storj- — 

Mrt Cad. Well, I have but a word more; and 
then be said, as how I was a ercst fool. 

Cad. Not much mistaken m that. [AsSdr, 

Mrs Cad. And that he nonld not hove staid 
wiU) me a minute, but to pave the nay to tlio 
possession nf she. 

Cad. Well. Beck, well ? 

Mrs Cad. And m that's all. 

Cad. Make love to her. in order to get posses- 
sion of you ? 

Mrt Cod. Love to me, in order to get she. 
Cad. Hey ! Oh, niw, \ begin to underarand. 
Uey! What! is thts trot. Bell, Hey! Hold, 
Imld, hold ; ccod, I begin to smoke, hey ! Mr 
Cape. How sliQll I art ? 
Rol. Own it, *ir; I have a reason. 
Corf. Well, what say you, Mr Cane? tbi's 
have It without erpiiroeatinn; or, hold, bold, hold, 
mental reservation ! Guilty, or not? 
C'ipf, Of what, sir? 

Cad. Of what ! Hold, liotd ! of makim' tove to 
Bell i 

Cape. Guilty, 

Cad. Hey! how! Hold, /onnds ! No, what, 
lint with an intention to mnrry her ? 

Capv, Willi tlie lody'^ opprubulion, and yt>ar 
kind c<intHL-[it. 

Cad. Hold, hold ! what, my oonseiu to natirj 
Citp<, Ay, sir. 

Ci'd. Hold, hold, hold ! what, our Bell to mix 
tlte bl'fMl of the Cadwalladers with tlie puddlr 
itf a priei ^ 
Cnpf. Sir ! 
Cad. A i»etty, p&ltry, rag^, rfaiminj^* 





Surti^ht. But Mr I 

Lu*i. A ficnU'linc — hold, hold, iHitd — i^rnrrt- 
tocr, timt has n>j ii)>ire rloiitti^ ^vu\ bat-ks, no 
ntotc htruils thau fiai». and no ebocs to his feet. 

Spng/it. Nnv, bill— — 

Lad, TKc o^»|)niii; of a il,iitif(liill ! born in n 
ccthir — lluld, hutd — aiid Living iD a garret! a 
fuiii^us. a mushroom ! 

Co/T. Sir, tiiT fairulv — 

Cmit. Y<iur fulfill V f Hold, bold, hold— Peter, 
fcic'i llw pedijirrc ; I'll sb/w yoii^Yuur familr ! 
H Utile ottNTiirc — liuld, liuld, 1 don't believe ;uu 
eter had a e:rundtaLbtT — 

Enter Pctkr with the pettigrfr, 

Tlicrc It i«! there: Peter, help me to ».irctcb it 
out: there's sct'in yardu tuore of lineals bchidi-s 
three tif cdlnrr-nils, lliul I expect next Mondnr 
fmtn the ticrnlff!) nAicv : d'ye M:e, Mr Sprightly ) 

HL'ttglit. Prxlitious ! 

LaJ. Nay ; but Iwjk'e, there's Welsh priiice» 
mrul HinltitMutdorM, and l.injiH of Scotland, aitd 
meatbcr^ »( purltaincnt : ]i<>ld, hold ! ecod, [ ait 
nvKC iiiind Hn earl of a li>rd in inv p«:dii;rcc, hold, 
tiuld, tliuii Kuli Khuu wuuld a M.Tjeuiit in tla- 
triuneil biiudf. 

Sprifht. An ama/ini! descent ! 

Lad. Hey ! Is 11 uiAf And tor thii tow, lou»y, 
son of a slioeaiBker. ti> talk of iacniijes — hold, 
hul<(. cet oil! of my tM>n«.e ! 

Hob. Now i» y>iur rnae, Mr. 

Vari. Mr S|ni^hlly, turn blni out. 

Gtw. Stop, i>ir; 1 have ■ aei-rel todiscloK, that 
mav lualiC vou alter your i»t(-ntiiHi<i. 

C*<i</. Iltiid.ltold ! how, Mr Iitti-iprttcr? 

Gov. Yon are mw to n^jiriird tli^it yoiiiiE mnu 
in a very ilitlcreiit light, and cooaider him as my 

Copf. Y'uur son, sir • 

Ctre. In n mitnivnt, (icorge, the mystery ahall 
be explained. 

itiif. Your Mjn ! Hold, liold ! and what ibcti ? 

Our. *n»cn ! Why then he is iin loneer the 
scnhtder, tlie mu^rooru you have described ; but 
of hirth and fortune ft\ua\ w yniir own. 

Cod. What! the son of a» inicrprvter prpmltn 
me! A fellow iluii trudcis iibout, icudnn)^ oi 
luHcn^e*. to foreign i oiirts ! 

Gov. A icnclier of laiu^nges ! 

Caii. Stay ; ecod, a ruiiirer lo Moosieuri and 
Unrquis.4«s ! 

Si'fighi. You are mistaken, sir. 

Cod. A javli-puddino 1 tlwit lakes BUip^ on ihc 
nosT for hiipt- i>cc a-pii><;r! Hold, hold ! cnxl, give 
me cighteeu-pt-anywurtli, tuid change for half-a- 

C*tt. Slop when yon are well. 

Cad. A »pun):er at otticr mens' uibles! tlial hns 
jallup fMJt oitu lii<» W-rr, dnd his face blacked at 
Ciuihtuuu fur Um: dirctkioo of chtklrcn ! 

Cop. I can bold no Ione«r. "Sdeath, ur, who 
i} tl yon dure treat in ttn>- inuntier ? 

Crttf. licy ! Zounds, Mr Sprightly, lay bold of 

Sftrif-hl, Calm your cboter. Indeed, MrCa^ 
walindiT. nothing could exnise your hehatiotU' 
to ibis genlleronn, hut your mistaking Ins pv^ 

Cud, Hold, hold ! Is not bo iDierpreter to— 

Suriftht. No. 

Cad. Why did not ynu tell— — 

Spnght, Ihat was a nitsiake. This geotie- 
man is tbc prince's friend; nnd. by toni: reu(h-nrc 
ill the monarch's country, is pci I'vct inai^tcr of tlje 

Cad. But who tl»r devil is he, ilien ? 

Upright. He is Mr Cnoc, &ir; a man of a» 
hleniiKhed lw>[>our, capital fortune, oud late fp- 
veritorofune of our most conbidcrable tcute- 

Cad, Governor! Hold, hold! Aod how cane 
y«m father to- -Itey ! — 

Gov. By marrying his mother. 

Capr, But how um I lo regard this? 

O'lt: As H solemn truth ; that foreicD friend, 
tu whom you u\se your cducaltun, wiis uu uthcr 
tbiui myself: I lia<t my reasons, perhaps capnr 
ciouH ones, fur conuealiDi; tiiis; but tnv ate; 
tense, aud I am pniud to own mv son. 

Cape. Sir ! ic is not for mc [iCneriiHg.\ but i 
gmliioHe, duty, filial - 

Gov. Rise, my lioy, I have veninred fur to 
6x ihv fortune, George ; but, to find thee «<irtbj 
of )t, more than n'pq>nvs my toil ; the rest of ■} 
»tory Hlinll lie reTrvcil till we are aloiie. 

Cad. Ucy I Hold, hold, hold ! ecod, a pxxl 
senxible olil fellow this; hut hark'e, Spntibtij, I 
liMic ntadc H damned blunder here. Hold,hw- 
Mr ('Ovt-rn4>r, I u^L ten tliousuud pvdoiks; IX 
who the devil could have thutmlu tliot the iaw- 
pri'tiT t» prince I'utuwoKsky 

G»v. Oil, sir, you have iu jfour power Mftoot 
means lo alone fur the injunefc done us both. 

CtitL Hold, how ? 

Ciaif. [iy bcstoninc your sister with, I flsiuf 
myself, DO great violence to her ioclinutam 

Ced. What, marry Bell! Hey ! Hold, hM. 
hold! iiiunds, Bctl,'tnke him, do ; 'ccnd, br'o 
a j[ood likely bey ! Will youf 

Arab. 1 bhau't ilisobcy you, sir. 

Cod. Shan't vou ' That's riphu Who ihedf™ 
knews but be may conic tu tie a ^int-ttwtf liior 
bclf; hey ! Hold, hold; amtt here, tlicu, iprwo* 
your hands bolh. \Jotits tkur ^ladf.J TIi«* 
tliere; the bueinus), lu doite. And now, brot''' 

Cur. Aud now. brotlier Codwulladcr. 
Cud. Hey ! Beck, hcreVvnnethmg now f«rBf 
pedijirec; we'll pitp in il«c Govrmnr tu-^nors* 
Mri Cad. Hark'e, Mr Guveruor, oao yiHip^* 
inc a black buy aud a monkey i 




Cad. Hey ! ay, ay« you shall have a black boy* 
and a monkey, and a parrot too, Beck. 

Sprigkt. Deaf George, I am a little late io my 
coneratuladon ; but 

Gov. Which, if he is, in acknowledpinf; your 
disinterested friend^ip, I shall be sorry I ever 

owned him. Now, Robin, my cares are orer, and 
my wishes full ; and if George remains as un- 
tainted by aiRuence as he has been untempted by 
distress, I have given tlie poor a protector, hiS 
country an advocate, and the world a friend. 

[Exeunt omneK 






Daffodil, the M^e-coquette. 
TuKELT, attacked to Sophia. 
ijanv Racket, -\ 

Sir Wiixiau Whistee,/ 
Sir Tak-Tivt, \men of the town. 

Spikneb, i 


Ruffle, mi/ef to Daffodil. 

rtrst WaUer. 

Second Waiter, 

Harry. • 

Sophia, involuntarily partial to Daffodii, W 

esteeming Tukely. 

Arabella, '\ 

Mrs Dotterel, f 

Widow Damply, 4 
Lady Fanny Pewit. J 

attached to Daffodil. 


ACT. I. 


Ilnter Arabella, ondSopBiA tn Men^tclothet. 

Ara. Indeed, my dear, you'll repent this fro- 

Sop. ludeed, my dear, then it will be the 6rst 
frolic I e^■e^ repented in all iny life. LooU'e, 
Bell, 'lis in vain to oppose me, fur I ani resolved 
— the only nay to find out his character, is to see 
him thus, nnd converse freely with him. If he is 
the wretch he is reported to be, 1 shall away with 
him at once ; and if he is not, he will ihank me 
for the trial, and our union will be titc Mron^er. 

Ara. i never knew a woman yet, who hud 
pmdence enough to turn off a pretty fellow, be- 

cause he had a tittle more wickednesB (bu Aa 
rest of his npighbours. 

Sop. Then I will be the first to Betabetur 
example. — If I did nut think a man*i cbuwur 
was of some consequence, 1 should not now itt 
such risques, and encounter such difficultia, n 
be better acquainted with it 

Ara. Ha, Sophy ! if you have love enoogli l» 
be jeulous,andjeiilousy enough to trv tbeieeift' 
riments — - .don't imagioc, thougji yuu ibotf 
make terrible discoveries, tb«t yoa caa imo^ 
diately quit your inclinations, with yoor bierdmi 
und return so very philosupliicaily to your pid^ 
coats again, ha, ha ! 

Sop. Y'ou may be as merry with my vcakotf* 




M«, u you pWuc, mkdam ; but I know tnj otru 
hewt, ium) ou reir upuii it. 

Jra. We are grvai buUie* by iiiasre j but 
courrtiiir tnd twaffgcring arc two ibutjt^, oitiuu. 

v>f'. Si»c« jou ue u Utile to be c >iivii>cc«l, u.i> 
1 Mut to he peruuulal yw*r KrviuiL 


Ara. NaT< Sophv, this ift uDfrieaHU — if vou 
•re re»>ilvcU,ufHm vuur m'Immiii', open Uimuwitlf 
out fcwne, and I'll a.^»i>t t<HJ. 

di/^. Itapriinis tbcn: I c<>afess tovDU, that 1 
burc a kiitil of wIuidmihI nttarhinent to iJatT't- 
dii : DLU but 1 cnu sec his vaiiiticii aiid taugli ut 

Ant. Anrf like him better for tbo w 

Sap, Pkhaw ! don't pliigtie mc, beJl — toy oilier 
knrr, the jmUtus Mr Tukely- 

Aru. Who loves you too vrdl lo be succvm- 

Scyi. And irbom I rcsHy cstceu ■ ^ 

• Afiu A* a eood tort of mwa, bn, hn, ha 1 ' 

&ip> NajTi inoiiid tiavc loved bini 

Ara, 11ml not n prcttjcr fellow atept in bc- 
tw«vii. wliij |wrlia|ift doea not con- a fmihing for 

Sop. Thai'i ilie question, my dear — Tiikelr. I 
liy, f ilbcr tiuiit; by jcaltuj%y, ur unwilliiii! to lu<ie 
Bw, without a Mrug^ luu intreaied tn« to kitow 
inure ikT hit rivnl, before I eu^i^e Uio (u with 
bim — Many ttratige tluofLS he Itat tuld nic, which 
ba*r pitied mc. 1 luutt cunfesa, aud I uiu uuw 
prvpanKl fur (he proof. 

Ara. Yuu'U oertiuuly be diKOv«r«d, and put 
to ttinine. 

Svi^, I bare secured my success already. 

Art. What do you mcnn } 

Sup. 1 have aeei) htm, ixwvened with him, aud 
vn (o nywt biiu a^aiu to-day, by bi» uwu appMiii- 

Ara. Madness! it can't be. 

ik^. Btu It bos been. I u-ll you— 

Aru. Hvwi bowf Uutcily, quickly, dcarSo- 

Sep. Wh«o ynu wettt to liidtr Fauny % lait niitht, 
tnd feft me, as you ihnu};hi, little d»))OM.'d fur u 
friilic, I dre?«e<l lue a* you sct>, called n cluir, 
twl want to ibe Kii^'* Anus A*Auid for uiv t;«n- 
deunin, Hod woa Bhcwo into a rouio; lie iiiiiue- 
diatitly htl'i Wn comutuv, oiul cania to mc. 

Ant. I tremble tor you. 

&ip. i iulrudwed iu«v:tt* iis hu Ituliiio niible- 
■au.jii^l am»ed : It Murcittic di 2kla<:aroni — 

^r«, lUioulcHis! bB.ln! 

&i^ An iiiliuiate ot' ur Charles Vainlove\ 
•bo la now a£ Ruuc — I tuld him loy letters were 
wuh my boeeaae. at the ruftloa>-hout)e — He rt^ 
CWmI iij' 'I {Ik openiicS!> iniiifiiinUe, mid 

^raold )i ,ijoi{ iiu- u> hi*^ frifndi. I bcf;- 

(■d La Ih i.-i<.u-([i, but pruuiiMd tu attend biiii 
h^duy, and am nu^r ready, a> yua utt, to keep 

An. yUtrmUbing !— and what did you talk 
alxiui ? 

Sop. or various thinjiES women &mon|[ tita 

reM ; nii'l iIioukIi I li;i«e not alMululclv any open 
tict^ of reU'ilKUi n;;niiiM bim, yet I fear he if a 
tnulor ikt hmri — mid then siuxi vajiity ! — but ( 

luul not Uiuc 111 innkc cfVRt ili»cotcru:* it vraa 

uieiely the protot>tic — The plav '» to come. 

ylra, \xX your part well, or uc tjiall hiu vou. ' 

$iip. Never feariiir; vou don't know wlmt a 
niad, rakin<. wild voung de^il I cnu lie. if I ^ict 
my niimi u> II. Hell [tjtying koU of her, 

Ara. You fridit mc ! — yoa sluill poajiivcly ba 
no )wtl-fellow of loiiie any lont^er. 

Sitp. t am remlveil lo ruin my wocaan. and kill 
my nrui, before I fict iiiLi> petticoats afpun. | 

Arit- Take care uf a qanrrel though — a riv-al . 
innv be too rou^b nith you. ' 

&ip. No. IKJ, ti^hUds is not the vice of thratf 
tunes; and, us for it little vwot^eriuR, damn it, t 
can do it u.i vtell as llw t>eal of tlain. 

Ara. lludi, liiwh ! Mr Tukcly w Itcre 

Sap. Now for a triul of skill; if I deceive hiii^ 
yuu'il allu^v thnt Itiili'of niy buxtiKM is dune. 

[She iratkt iiWr, tukc» out it gtau, a«4 
itk/iu ml the futures. 

Enter TvKtt^, 

Tttke. Yonr scnranl, Mi» Dell— I need nnt j 
ask if Miss Sophy be ut home, for I believe I 
liate ecru Ikt since you did. 

Ara. ilftvc you, .tir? VoU keem disouaccrtcd, 
Mr 'I'ukely : Hiki any thing b.-i[>pcited r 

TtUit. A tnlle, uiadsin — ^hut 1 wuii born to b« 
trilled wJth, and to be nude uneu'tv nt rrille^ 

ArtL Pray, what trifliiu^ niUtr ba» di»turbc4 
you ibutt? 

Sup. Wlia^* the matter now ? [vl«iV4W I 

TmU*. I n>ct Mi'^s Sopliy thi^i momeut in %] 
ItHcknev rUuir. at the end uf ibc strtrct : 1 kucw ( 
her by the pink nti:tiu*e; but, up'tn my crossiii|r \ 
the way to spe-^ik tit her, she turned her heuj 
Hway, bibbed violeiitiy, and drew die curtatu la { 
I ay luce. I 

Sit/. So, so; well said, jcnl msy> [JuWc. 

Ara. Hlic was in haste, I suppose, tu get ta ' 
Iter ciieage<ncnt? , 

Tukt. Yes, yea, m:iiUm ; I i nnjifine she bnil 

tome eupa^mwit ih>imi her haml* But »'iro^ i 

madiun, hpr p-eat drsirc lo see bcr more aiireo- 
;it>ic friends nwd not be attended wilh op»i>» 1 
tempt and disregard to die rc*t u( her aLriuaiot* j 
tuiCe. .4 

Artt. Itideed, Mr Tukcly, I have w many c.v ' 
priref>, and follies of my own, thiit 1 can't |i«mibly | 
answer for my cominV too. | 

Snp. Wull aiitd, licll ! [MiJt, 

Tukr. Answer, iniaal Xo, riciivcn forbid yo* j 
should ! — fur my pnri, I have i;^vcii up all mf ] 
hopes as a lover. Bad ofily, now, fuel tor hcr u A 




friend — ontl indeed us n friend, r sineere fricmU 
I mit't but •iiiy, iliac pniiti; out in M liiirkncir chair, 
without n Kcvvajit, aiid ewltMivutiriii^ lo eunrcal 
herself, is v>mewhnt incumpntibl? with Mis* Si-- 
ph_v\ ranb and repuliilioii. Tliiy I *,y>ta\t as u 
friend, not «<) ft lover, A]iss Hell! pmy iniitd thai. 

Ara. I seo it vcrv plainlv, Mr 'I'Mkcly, ord it 
givcft mc great pleasure, innt jmu ran he vi in- 
diflfereiil in your love, and yet M jralous in your 

Tukc. You do me Vinoiir, tntts^ by yonr good 
0|Hniun. [ Waitit iihottt, and tee$ SoPlir.]— WhuS 
tnnC, pmy } 

Ara. A p:nileniBn whn is wailine (vr Stiphy. 

Tuke. 1 ttiitik ihc luu gentlemen waiting for 
her evcrj* wliere. 

Sop. I nm Hfniid, air, [Cmning up to Aim wUh 
her g(a$t.) you'll excuse me, llinl iiulwithstAiid- 
ine yonr deetarntion, and this iodv*? coniplinieiita, 
tlKfe is A little nf the devil, called jeiuousy, nt 
(he bottom of all this uncauiiess. 

J'likf. Sir! 

Sop. I »ny, sir, wenr your clowk as \onji as you 
picaw, the lioof will peep out, uike my word* for 

Tukc. Vpon my word, sir, you nrc pleaded to 
honour mc with a rniniliirily which I neither ex- 
pected, or indeed desired, upon mj alight nii ac- 

Hop. I d&rc snear you did not. 

[rums off, and hums a tune. 

Take. I don't understand this! 

Ant. Thi< is beyimd I'lpcclation. [Axidr. 

Sop. I preaume, sir, you never was out or Fjip- 
Innd? [Pickiifi her teeth. 

'J'ukr. I presume, mr, that you arc miMnken — 
I nc«er was tn fuohslily fond uf my otwn countr\', 
t'1 tliink timt nuihiikc good was to be had out of 
it ; nor so shamefully un|?iitefnl lo it, to prefer 
the \iccH and fuppenca of every otlicr uution, to 
die pcculiiir nHvuntuces of my own. 

St)p, tin, hti ! well »iid, old I^^land, i'faith ! — 
Kow, ntnduni, if tim {.eotlenian nould put this 
tpen-h into a farce, and pn^rly lard it with 
lUiiNt liccf, and liberty, I would enuape the t'al- 
trries would ronr and halloo nt il fur half a» hour 
Cogclher, ha, ha, ha I 

Ara. Now the storm's coroiiip. [Aside. 

Tyke. If yuu arc not enen^jed, sir, well ad- 
journ to the iwnt laveru> and write this farce be- 
, cwecn us. 

Sop. J fancy, ut, by the infortnaCion of your 
lace, tJiflt you arc more inclined to tmgcdy, than 

7\iice, 1 shall be inclined to treat you very ill, 

lilfyoo don't walk out with mc. 

[ ^ St^. I have been treated to rcry ill already, 

in the little convcr&atiun I hare had with ytiu, 

, that you muit excuse my ntilkins out for niorc 

" t ; but if you'll pcrsiadc itie laily lo leave llic 

u, I'll put you b) death — dmiuuc— — 

[Ooing vp to him. 

Ara. Frrr Heaven's soke 1 what's the nmuer, 
eentlemeii -* 

Tttkr. What can I dn with this fellow ? 

Svp. MNdam. dofi't be ulnrmed: tlii« at&irwiU 
he very ^hort ; I am always t'ipe*htious ; and will 
out hi<t throat, wiihuut »ltockinj[ yon in CM Icmst: 
—Come, sir, [Dfaa<] if yuu won't defend your- 
self, I niubt kick yua about the room. 


Tukf. Respect for thif, lady, and tkb houte, 
has rurbed my rei>entnirnt hifhei-io : Bat a* 
your iii»oU'itet; would take ad^antaee of loy for- 
bearance, 1 mu5t correct it at all events- ■ 


Sop. A- Ara. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Tuke. What t» all this? 

Sop. Wluit. Houid you ^t your mura^ to a 
poor weak ^vouinit f You arc a bold Uriloo, ilh 
deed! Ha. ha, ha • 

Tttke. What, Sophia? 

Ara. .S<iphin! No, i»o; she is in n hntkntf- 
chair, you know, without a tcrvnnt^ in ber pink 
negligee — I In, ha, ha 1 

T^ke. I am (uttmished! and can scarre be- 
lieve ray own eycb — What nioaos tltis inetainor- 

Stip. Tis in obedience lo your commands— 
Thus eijuipped, I hate cot access to Datlbdil, ind 
shall know whether your pirlnre of him is dnrm 
by your repird fur inc, or rcftenttnent to bin*— 
* 1 will sound him, from hia lowest outc to tbe 
top of his conlpa^9.' 

Tukr. Your spirit traniporis n»c^— "Hos will be 
a bu^y, and, I hope, a happy day for inc. I hare 
appointed no le«s than 6vo ladies to meet toe at 
the widow Dainplv's ; to each of whom, as weQ 
a» ynorfelf, the aecompli<Jvcd Mr UaBbdil has 
presented his henrt ; the value of which 1 am re- 
i^nlvcd to OHiviiicti them of tlu» lught, for tbe 
wikt of the whole sex. 

Sop. Pooh, pooh! that's tbe old slevy— Yoa 
are so prejudiced — 

'fnke. i am afraid 'ti* you who are prejudicedi 
madam; for, if you will believe your own cya 
and ear*— 

A'ryi. 'Hiat I wUI. T assure yoo; I shall tail 
him immedintely. He thinks me in the couatiy; 
and, to cniifirin it. 'ill write to bim a^ Iraa 
ilieiice. But ask me im niorc qnesiMMis nhnt 
t^'tiat I bnvv done, and what is in he dmu- : fir t 
hnvo not n mmneiit in Iniie; niid to, mr goad 

Trieiid Tukely, yoom My di-wr Hell,'! ki« 

your hand. I A'/uri hrr hand.] You are a Sae 
woman, by Hcnvens ! Here. Jns«-ppi. finiiKN>s 
Fraoeesi, where arc my fcliowa there ? Call ■• 
a chair, Vha PAmcrfCt Uberta 

_ _ _ , or Tou! ^*mI, 

now, what do vou stare ai ? You could not wtU 

dctirc mure O, iie, fie ! dou't siiih and biw 

your fingers; rouse yourself, man ; wrt »ll im" 
wiu to work ; bring ibis faiUUeaa Corydin t« 


ahHnw. and 111 be hanged if itie prize is not 
yours. It' she friums in ttioc, I'll briiig her tu 

che widow Duiii(ilv*ii 

Tuke. Dtar Mi» Aral«lla- 

Ars. Well, Mrll; itiakc nm a Iuip Kpreili anu- 

ihi-r bmc. Aboui vour Lu&iuesb uum 

J\Jtt. I fly '- [Kjit 

ArtL What a couple of blitid f(N>U bns love 
made of thi» pofir lellitw, bimI my dear cuu^iti 
So|ihyi LilUv du tlicy iiimciiie, ulth nil llwir 
wuc disooTcries llwu OiiiTitdil is a» rnilSful a 1<>- 
vcr, afc be ia an acc>iiii|}lishvd f;riiUi:inuu. 1 pilv 
these poor dcrt-ivcd Mrotnen, with all my lieurt'! 
llut bow will tlwv »tarc whrn (liry find tlmt he 
baa artfully prvtviidrd a icviinl lor (liriii, tJi« 
bctrcr to ciriicval his real pa^^4ull I'ur tnc ! '['hey 
wili certainly tvar my cyi*^ out; and what will 
cmuin Snphy say to me, when wn aec ohlitfed to 
dccbux: our pua;«>u? No inatipr what— 'lis the 
fortune of war; ahd I fihall oulv mtvl' her, a*. 
sbe and rrcry other friend would Mrte uic in 
the ssuie ftiuaUon— ~' 

A litllf chcittitii: never is n *in. 

At lof'v ur curds— pruvidcd dial you win. 

SCENE II. — DAtFUDiLLV lattfiingt. 
Rtttrr D-irroniLL and KiTrLt:. 

Dmf. But lut: you sure, KufHc, (list you dcli- 
vcrcil tlie letter la»t night, in the iniuincr I ur* 
derrd yjii ? 

Ha/. Euictly, »ir. 

Drnf'. And y^m arc %urp that Mr Dutterel saw 
ytwj tlip the nuteinto Ins niie's hand I 

Rmi. I have nlurnied him, aitd yiiu luny be a»- 
red, that he i\ a« uneasy as yuu would wiMi in 
hare him. Out I bhould he kIii(1> with your hit> 
nutir'k lenie, to 1mm a Utile iwritius t-oiiviTsa- 
Uuci wUh y<Ki; fur my mind forchudiii nmrh pe- 
ril Co ll>e boncii of your Immbk- •^enruitt, aitil 
v«nr tittle uUiBfaniou lu your luiiinur. 

xAh/^ TItou art a must iucuuiprclii'iuible blocL- 

Huf. No RrcJit whdlar or wit, indeed; but [ 
can Jcel an ruk sappling, us well U5 aintlher ; 
ay, and I should hme felt one last nijiht, it' I hud 
OP( had thr IwrU of alt Mr D<jLtcrel'ti finiiily — I 
|kad tlic wliuU- puck aftrr tuc^— 

iMf. And dtd nM they cutch you ? 

l\Hf' \o, tluiuk I Ipa^cn 

D^t. Vou wftA Doi Licked, then? 

iii*t No, «r. 

I'iat. Niir caned? 

HvJ. No, «r. 

Dufi Nor drBK]{ed through a horse'pond^ 

h'.i O. I..rtl! \o,«r. 

I).;f t hnt'a unluct^ 

liMi. .'Mr! 

1>0/'. You must un »qnm. Kufflc, to-night; p«r^ 


Buf. If I t^o again, nr, nu^ I be caned, kick- 
ed, and bofbe-ponded fur my |)ain*>. 1 Ift-lipvc I 
have hccn lucky enough to bring an old house 
o\w your head. 

JJu/'. W lull do you mean ? 

Km/'. Mr Uuttercl ouly hobbled after me, to 
pay iiw for the postage ot jiour letter; but beins, 
a litilc out of wind, he Mxin ^topt lo curK aaa 
swear at inc. I couhl hear him mutter tome- 
tliiup of fcuundrri, and pimp, and my nuister, 
and villain — and liliiadcrmi&ii and miw piL; and 
then he shook his stid, and looked like the dc- 

Dttf. Glandcrbuas, and saw-pit ! Tliis busi- 
ness crowa a little serious, Riid so wc*ll drop it. — 
The husbiiDd i> m) old and peevi^, and she so 
yuui^ and pre^i% that I'll invc it up, RuliJe;^ 
the town talks of ui>. and I uiii sausned. 

H.vJ\ Pray, sir, with submiituon. for what end 
do you write to so many ladies, uuil muki- >iich a 
r 'Ut about tlieiii i iliere aiv now upon the Iii4 half 
a dozen muids, a leath of wivirsi, and the widow 
Damptw. [ know your hoiimir don't intend nii>- 
rhicf ; hut what pleasure can jou have in drL-ci- 
viitf; tliein, and the world i for you are thought a 
ccriibk yuunj; f*entlfiaun. 

Daf. Why thut pleusure, boohr ! 

H^f. I don't undcrntand it — What do you in- 
tend ti» do with them all P Ruin thcai? 

Duf. Not I, faith. 

Huf, But you'll ruin tt»eir reputntioM ? 

Duf'. I'hatV Uicir bu!iJuc<o; not mine. 

Riif. Will YOU marry luiv odl- of them } 

Duf. O, nu ! thai wtmid be finialiiti;; the ^anic 
at once. If 1 prL-l'trrcd one, ihL- rt-at would tukc 
it ill : so, bccaute I won't be particular, I give 
tht-in all lmpt«, xvilhuut K»iiiK a step furdier. 

liuj'. Widowa can't live ujmu ludi slender 

Vaj\ A tmc sportsman has no pleasure but in 
the chaitc; tlie ivame is always given to tbuse 
wlw have less taitte, and better stotmtchs. 

Ruf. I love to pick a bit, 1 mubt confess — 
Realiv, sir, I sllould not care what became <if 
half the women you are pleased to be merry 
viith — hilt, Miss Si>phv, aurr, is a heavenly crca- 
tuie, and dctc-rvex belter trealuteut; aiMl lit 
m-ike love lu her cousin, luo, in the same house I 
thiii t!) viTv cruel. 

l)nj\ llul ii amuses one — licsides they ore 
both tine creatures. And Itow do I know, if I 
Eored (July on^ but tiie other tnif^ht puisun lico 
self .' 

Ruf- .And when ihcy know that yon liare lo- 
ved them both, liiey may poison one another.— 
I'lii^ alliiir will mnke a great noise. 

l)aj. Ur 1 have taken a great dral of pains 
for nothing. Hot no more prntine, sirndi ; 
while I read my litiers, go and usk Harry what 
cards and messages he has taken tii Uii» muriH 




Hvf, TliercS no fn^nding hira! 

[Frit RtTFLE. 

Dmf. [Opau tettm.] Thii is fprm ihe widow 

iDaitiptjr. I know tier iK-ruviI nt b miir's dii^ 

diiet— *hc prrtem!'. Umt ilie Knshi of her h«^ 

ImnitS d^nth hurt her ncrre* «n, dial Iter hand 

has ^Iiimk i'»cr ^incp — ha, ha, ha! It htts hoil 

[ licr spcIhiiK too, fur hrrv is joy with a (f ; ha, 

[Iir! p»N>r cimtiirv ! I Rcarfjt.j limn — hum — hiim. 

I Well sat)!, widuw : Bnp *f»fui.s phiin, liiu'i. and 

l-grow» iirRCot. I mu« KCt riuit uf hi;r — she ile- 

liim n tftf « tfte ; whtdt, with widows who have 

^luflcrfd much Tor ttw li»j of Uteir husbmid. i«^ 

»s mptaifl Uot)nr1il sa**, n Bcrvic* of danj^r. — 

I Sfi, 1 am off. [Offrit nnitrAcr-.] What the devil 

I have "ff hore? A bill in chaiurerT : Oh, itn ! my 

[ taylorS tjtti — Stun Tutut, Ihrre hundr<;d niid »e- 

I ventv-fijiir pounds doren «hilliii?% and five 

jjicncr, tlirco fnrtliiiiC!'- Indeed, Motisitiir Chi- 

Icnneau, this is a ditinited bill, ni)d you witl bo 

idamtK^ for mnking it; iherefuic, fnr the <:ood 

of your Srtii!, Mons. Chiconenu, yo\\ muit make 

anotlier. [ Teais it,] Thr Frcndi know tlieir 

i coii«cf]ncncc, and u« us ocwrdiiitly, [Opeut a- 

90ther.] Tbis is frum Newmarket/ 


* Ma; it please vour botiour, 

* I woidd not have vou think of matching 
' Ctierry-Ucrry wiih ClinifiTbread ; he is a terri- 
' rible horse, and icry covciou?i of hi« gruuiid. — 

* 1 htivc chnpt lliiHothrunilKi for the Konn mnre, 
r ■ and lif:y ])Ound«. Sir R'>ii:er has taken the 

* match off your fannds, whiz-h is a cood thim; ; 
i * for the marc has thr disteniper, and inu^t have 
w* forfeilf-d. I titinp bis honntir'4 groom, thoiieh 
f * he wBS above an liuur in tlie stable. Hit* nut- 
I* mce Etcj, Custard, is matched with Aldeiiniui. 
I' Aldenwui tuis a lung wind, and will be tou 
7* hard for CintanL 

* I nm. your bnnoiir's 
* Most obcdioui servant, 

'Kootii Wnip; 

Whip 19 I ^nins, ntid a ^ood §ervaiit. I Imve 
I liuC u }'ct loftt above a ihoutuiiid t^'onids by my 
bones i but ftucb luck can*l idwayA htsL 

Ktttfr Ruffle, a-ffA eurdg, 

Ruf. "nwrtT's the rDoniinffi ciinro, *rr. 

!Thrate$ them doan u/ifn the table. 
iiy ! I can't rend ibcn in a month : 
I ]>rilhee, Itiillle. ftetdown niv inviiiiiiiin:^ fmin the 
Mairds accordiiif( to their date, niid let inc tee 
f.tlirti] to-in(trro«v moming— ^So much readiiiE 
|%oiitd divtract nic. 

Rttf'. And yet ibe«c nrc the only books tlint 
(entlcmen read now-a-days, 


Enter a SertMnt. 

Ser. An' your honour, I rrvn^ot to ttll 
you that there was a fentletnaa ber« last night. 
Tvc fori^ot his iMtnc. 

Rof. Old Mr Dattrrp), perhapv? 

Ser. Old .' nu, no, be luaks vo u npCr than hi* 
honour. I believe lie's mad, lie can't stand still 
II moHient : be lir^t rn^tcrvdout ofthe cliair, and 
when I told him your honour wn% not at hoiop, 
be capered into it spun — said tie would r«ll 
tt):ftin, Jabbered Boioeiliing, and away be wen^ 

Dtif'. Tis the marqiti* of Macraroni; 1 *•• 
him at the King's Arms ye*ttrn1ay : Admit hin 
ivlwn be conies Harry. 

Ser. I Fltnll, \oiir honour — I cnn neither wriH 
or reniem})cr lbe^c outl8udi5h nalnes. 

[Kxil Sermt. 

Daf. Where 11 my list of womeo, Rufll^ aiHi 
the places of their abode, thai we tnay atrike of 
>onie, and mid the new ncquisttiocs? 

Jiitf. Wluit, alter ugniti ! I wrole itoul fairbat 
this morning — ^'I'hcrc are quicker succecsiDns in 
your IionoiiKs list, than the onurt-calciidar. 

Daf. Suikc off Mrs Dotterel!, niid tlie widow 

Ruf. They are undaoe. 

[Strikes titm ant. 

Enter Serutat. 

Srr. A lady, Mr Ruffle, in m chair, most sfwiA 

with vou. 

Diif. Did she a&k fur me t See, RclBe, wkn ii 
is. [KAt. 

Ser. No, your bononr; bat she looked quite 

Du/, Well, go lielow, and be careful not 10 
let any old vTnticman in this mominr ; and. ffSe 
licar ? if liny of ihc neighliourv >huuld ioquire 
who the lady is, you may say it is a relation;— 
and Ite sure smile, do you hear f whea you tell 
them so, 

Ser. I shall, your hoaour— lie, be, he, I am 
uever lui'laneholy. [£m. 

DttJ'. I hat fellow's a diaracter. 

F.nter Rcrri-E. 

Rvf. Sir, it is Mrs Dotterel ; she has M ~ 
tt^rnhie quurrel with her husband about ynur 
letter, Bttd has wniiethini; to say of consequeuet 
to Tuti both — she mu-t sec you, *he sayfc 

i^Hfl I won't >ee her Why would yoo ■■? 

that I wfts ai ImnH* - - You know I hale to be 
a'line with tln-m, and sheV so tioleiit too 

VSrli, well, sivr-vr her up' thn is su aih 


nu/. tie hates to see duns he never imnvb 
to jny. [Krtt KurrU. 



Daf. Whtt 9)i&H I do with her? Thix iswnrM 
than meeting her btuband wtdi a btunderbuu in 
a Mw-pit. 

£nter Mrs DoTTikCL, and Ri'FPtt. 

Dear Mrs Dotterel, this » mi ohliginc- 

Rtiffle.<lon't let n soul come acar mc. [JUaul] 
— And b&riV, don't leoire a% long together, and 
Ik ever; liod; up that cumes. [Audr. 

Ruf. Whtt s deal of trouble here is about 
notbuig ! [Erit ncFrLt. 

Un Dot, In the name of ^-irtue, Mr DafTDdil, 
I hopo yuu bnvt; doi givea aiiy private ordera, 
that tOMy in the least deroKatc from that absolute 
cooGdeooc which I place in your honour i 

Dmf. You m»y lie perfectly casjr under thii 
roof, roadani. I hope, I am polite enough not to 
let mj passions nf any kind run t-xi great lengths 
in my own boute. 

Mt§ Dot, Nothing but absolute necessity 
oooJd have made nic t»ke tint imprudent Mcp — 

I am ready to faiut with my iu>prehonsion<i 


&lf. UcftTva forbid ! — III call for M>me a»- 
wunoe. [Goi.ifi io ring. 

Sin Dot. Lcl JOQT belt nione ! [Stoptiing him.] 
You're always calling for assistance, I tii:it.. — you 
net-er pve one time to coiuc tu one's self — Mr 
DoUltcI has wen vuur letter, and rows Tenge- 
incc and dc>tniction — Why would jou be w 
riolent and nnprudcnt? 

Daf- I'he devil was io me, madam ; but T re- 
pent It from my »oul ; it tins cured mc of being 

Dot. Comp. come, don't take it too dE>ep- 
tilher ; I tliought it prujuT, at alli hazaniti, 
ti> let you know what liad happened, and to in* 
treat yoo. by thu afiection you have sworn to 
ne, CO be careful of rov reputation. 

Daf. That I will ioJced, inadam ; we can't be 
too careful. 

Mrt Dot. Well, Mr Daffodil, I am an unliappy 
-fnarricd lo one I cao'>(>t love ; and lov- 
! oi^ht Co »iiua — It is a terrible aituntion, 

Bdii- — 

D^. It is indeed, madam — I nm in a terrible 
one too— Wunld 1 nos well nut nf it ! [Aiide. 

Urt Dot. Do you knuw, Mr Dalliidi), ihat if 
I had ftot beca very relicioiis, my pas<u'>iu would 
fcwe ondoae oie— — Hot you must give me dme, 
fcr oatlUDfi but tliot, and keeping the liest cooi- 
ytOT, will ever cuitquer my prejndicfeft 

D^. I should be very ungenerous not to nl- 
W you time, madam — three weeks or a month, 
1 b^w, will do the bui^incM — I'lioueh. by my 
^BMor, I ^ol the better of mine io hutf the time 
—What i* Kufflc doing ? \Ait<ir. 

Mr* Dal. lie's very cold, methinks; but I'll 
t)y bnn further — Look'c, Mr Duflodil, you mu^t 
•* jour passtuni, and keep your disuiuco 

Fire is catching, and one doM not knnw the con- 
semiencca when once it bccinit to spread. 

Jiaf. As you siiy, madam, fire \s catching ; 
'tis dangerous to pliiy with it; and as I um of 
tlic tiiKler-kind — ns one may say— wc had bel- 
ter, OS vou ftBv^madam — change the subject — 
Pray did vnu ever hear of Uic pug-dog llint you 
udvertiiscd * [t was n very pretty creature — what 
was his name, madnm ? 

Afn Dot. Datfodil, sir I [Stifling her ptmion, 
Daf. Madam ! 

Mn Dot. Could I love and esteem any thing, 
and not cull it DafftMlil f— What a wretch ! 

Daf. You do me honour, mndani — I df>n*t tike 
her looks; I must change the diKourse. [Atide.^ 
Upon my Soul, Mrs Ootlerel, tliis sUu^le is too 
mtich for man : My passions are now tearing 
mc to pieces, and if you will slay, bv heaven 1 
will not answer (or the consequences i 

Mri Dot. Conspqucnces! What conscouencesi 
Thnu nretrhrd, base, fal«!. wortJilesa ainoml ! 
Daf'. Vou do mc honour ! \ Btwinfi. 

Afn Dot. Canst thou think that I am so blind- 
ed by my passion, not to see thy treacherous, 
mean, unmanly cva&iuos? — I have long suspect- 
ed your infamy, and having this proof of it, I 
could stab yr>ur treacherous heart, and my own 
weak one — Don*t offer to stir, or ring your bcM ; 

for, by Heavens, I'll [CatcAei hold of Aim. 

Daf. I stir ! 1 am never so happy, a» when I 
[im in your cornpoiiy, 

JMrj Dot. Thou licst ; Thou art never sa 
happy as when thou art deccivint;, and brtniring 
our foolish sex • attd all for what? Wliy» 

for tlic poor reputation of having that, which 
iboii hast neither power nor spirit to enjoy. 

Da/. Ha! I licarsoHicbiidy Cuming — Ntmfor 
a mp'ture [Atide.] Talk not of power or spirit — 
Heaven, that ha<i made you fntr, ha» made nie 

strong O! forgive the madness which your 

beauty has occasioned ! 

[ThroKS himself upon hit knut. 

Enter SerroHt. 

Ser. Tlie marquis of Macaroon5' 

[Esit Servant. 

Enter Sophia. 

Mn Dot. Ha ! [ScreamuA I am betrayed ! — 
[Thty ait itare^ and Daffodil uemingljf 

Sop. Mrs Dotterel, by all that's virtuous f — 
[j4ii<fc.] — Signior Daffodillo — reito eonj'uao, Ut I 
am com u mal-a-propotito. 

Dif. Dear marquis, no excuse, I beg — ntrthtng 
ot all— o relation of mine — my Nstcr ouly — Miss 
Dafl*odil ; this is il Mcrcheso dc Mnccitr<>ni, a» 
intinwte uf sir Cbarlcs Vainlove't— 'this naa 



BRlTiyil DRAMA. 

lDdcy.--{^Me/e.]— Well, then, my tiemr sUtcr, I 
will wnit upou jou to-(noTron. md sciUe tlie 
wbulc mi&ar. — [Ahud.] — I am the most iniwr*- 
' " ! of monaJs, mid bavc lost the mosi prcdous 
ueius of my life. 



[Aiide to Mm Pot. 
I viUmia ! I ili 

Mr$ Dot. Yoo are a viUaia ! I iloapiw you, 
and detest you, and will never see vuu more. 

[f!W( Mas Dor. 
D(if. Iln, ba, lift ! my siater luu a uMa splrii, 
tuy lard. 

Sop. Mi ditpiaKt infinamfnte — ic tisiilis mc, 
tnt I \vif inUrriimi'ata mI* affari nf yi>u hirnili. 

l}qf. It is Ute old lAoiiiy tukincu, my lord ; 
and 90 old, tho^ by roy honour, I am quite tired 
of it. 

5w. I hate him already.— [.-Iwrfc.]^ — Sigiwr 
DaOodiUu. alic is una bclmima toreUa, in TcnV<), 
a vtTj prit' sii' intit. 

Dof. I mtist mntcss to yon, my lord, that roy 
stster is n youii|^ discrcAM'd diuiiiiel, married tn uii 
old ^cnilcDiuii ni tlic neighbour I viod, lia» hn, ha ! 

Sop. O Cora Inf-hiilerra ! vat a fortunnui 
contT^c IK tis ! le olt men mnrri de ynng ^ne 
nir!, and tc yong fine girl visile tc* yotig sijjiior* — 
O, preciatu Itttrtu i 

Daf'. Indeed, my lord, men nf fnsiliion, here, 
have 6om« MUBil privileges; wc pitlier uur ruM.'a 
without fenr of thum-j— husbands and brothers 
doa't deal in |>oiauu and stilettos, ua they du with 

<S(>p. // noslro amicOf ngnnr Carlo, ha^ ti>l mc 
a tuusaxit Mjlti, dat ynu vas d<; Ortiuidu Innamo- 
rato himself. 

Vof- ^^^ oot Furiosu, I can auure you, 
niy lord, ha, hn, ha I t nni fur variety, and 
badiDi^ nithout atTi^ciion—rcputaiion is the 
grsat ornamenl, and ease (he great happiness of 
life — to ruin wnmrn would I>c trunble.'Mmie; to 
trifle and male lovr to them, iimu^A one. I 
use my women as d.-iiniily as my tobny ; I mere- 
ly sip of both, but nmrc than fialf a glatu jHilU 

&yt. // mid prtipritguitc — Tukely is right ; 
he's n villuitL— [vljiJcf-Sigiwr DafitKlilloj ?il 
ynu do mc de fnvur to t;ivc mc i^transicr, una tt- 
trintuzume to sotav of your wcngriue; let T<jj(ro 
amim tatte a Iittel, un ptKO ntyuur dulrc tokay. 

Ditf. O, ctrtameiife .' I have have half a hun- 
dred *iign'irnies nt ynur senice. 

,S(ip. MuUo obliguto, ugnor Daffodillo. 

Enfer SetTant. 

Srr. Here JH a lericr for your honour. [Surlily. 

UaJ'. Whnt IB the inutter with tlie feXUiw* 

Ser. Matter, your hauuur ! the lady that went 
oor just now, i^nve me such a louse on the ear, 
as 1 mndc my how to her, that I could scarce 
tell, for a minute, whether I had u head or no. 

Daf' Ha, hn ! pnor (cilow ! there's tmart mo- 
ncj: fur yon. — [Givft him wonry.j— [£jrif 5cr.J— 
WUI your lorduiip ^ve me leavcf 

Sop. Senia ctrcawaK— now for it. 
DappoDiL reads, 

'Si I, 
' I shall return from the couutry next weel« 
' and ^hnlt hope to meet you at Lady Faoay Pewifi 
' assemhly next Wednesday. 

* I am \ery much your humble serrani, 
* SoriiiA SpRiGnTii/ 

My lord marfjuia, here is a ^tter has itarted 
|E;ainc for you ali-cady— tlie toost lucky tbouj;^ 
tiua^nahlc I 

Sop. C'oia i guetto-^co$a, c — vat i*f 

Du/, There arc two fine ^irls, you iniut Looir, 
cousin^ who live toccther; this is a letter frum 
otio ai ihcm, Siiphiu in bcr name; 1 liave nddro- 
seri then) Uith, tut oa lualtert become a lillle »e- 
lious on their side, I must ruse a jealoiuy be- 
cweeu itie friends; diM:u\-eT lo oiie Inc ireaichrty 
tif the other; and so, in tlte bustle, sleat off as 
quietly as I can. 

St'p. f Spiritoio amiro— I can $atix cmh 
t.iiii inyM-lf. [Amdt. 

Duf'. Before the mine is sprung, I «iU mtra> 
ducc you into the luwn. 

Sop. You are great E«ncrali'<simo ta vrrHi mi. 
I feel in mM core vat de poor infclice Sopbia vtl 
feel fur the loM of signor DafTamllu. 

Jh>f. Yes pf*o' creature ! I belie* c sliell have 
a pan;; or two — tender indeed ! and I bclictt 
uill be unliappT for some time 

Slip. What a monster ! [J«Ur. 

Duf. You must dine with our club U>hUt, 
where I will introduce you tomoreof urCharln'f 
friend^, ali men of figure and fn^iua. 

Sifi. I must primo haf my leitere, dat yoor 
amir\ may be amcurali dat I urn no impoatore. 

naf. In tlie name of n<i)itene$.s my K>rd oui* 
qui:., don't meniiim your leticra again ; none but 
n justice of peace, or a constable, would ever mL 
fur a certificale uf a man's birtli, parenttif^ anl 
cducabon, ha, hn. lia I 

Sop. Viva, viva il si^nr DoifiidiUo ! You ^ 
be il tnio condttttori i» lutU k purtUeoi kne 
and pica&urc. 

Dtif. \N'ith nil my heart ! you must p«« ■( 
leave, now, toy lord, to put un my dotbcfr-lB 
the mean time, ifj-our loruship will sup ttiiooii 
study there. If you chuac inufir, there is a to\W, 
and wHut: Venetian ballads; or, if ynu !iV' rr--!- 
inn^ there's mndchty and bawdy novel- 
cali Kuffle. there. [I. 

St>p. [Jjioking qfiff Aon.] — I am -I 
him ; he is really more abandoned tliai. 1 ; 
Jealuusy desrrilied hiro. 1 have got my prcutK 
aud will not venture any further. I am med 
that I should he angrr at him, when I fh^lH is- 
ly desp)!>e him : but f am !>o unjj^ry, that I cati^ 
almost wish myself a man, tlrnt my brci-Vi 
miy;bc demand satisfaction fur tlic injury He hii 
done my pctticonts. [£^< 





SCESV, X.— Mna Dimplt's iodgingt. 

Enter Arabella dntf Sopni*. 

rScp. Iv short, Kin own dccUmtinni, the unex- 
pected meeting of Mm Dotterel, hn iiNig*' of my 
letter, and twenty things bewlu, detrnuinccl roc 
noi tn g«i among the &et of tiKm — So, in:ikitiK thi> 
best eicuse I coald, I f^t qoit of him and lii^ 

" Aru. All tliia miv be trnc^ Sophy every 

yoaof fslloit bnt his vanities ; fftjihion h»» rnndc 
•odi imculantie« nccomplislmiciits, ami tlic 
man aw^ be worth hnring, for all your discove- 

Sop. WhAtt an ahnndooed, rash, proHi^w 
aula BouBBttet a wretch, who cnn asvime pa*- 
mom be oever fecK aitti sport with our mi's frail- 
tto— fie, fie. Bell .' 

Jfo. Weil, well. Tou are too Bn;;rj' to be mer- 
dful; i( lie u lucli a moTi»tcr, I am ^liid yoii are 
out uf hi* cJiiichr*, aitd that you can so caulyre- 
api him tu another. 

Sop. To another ! there it not that woninn, be 
■he e*vr wn bandwnie, ttmt I liatc enutiK;)). tc 
wish her sn iniich e\il ; nnd h&ppy it n lur vou. 
Bell, chat yuu have a heart to rcsi^ his allure- 

Aru- Yes I thank mj Mars— I am not *o ta»- 
npliUe of impmnons of that kintl — nnd yet — I 
woB^t fwenr — if an agreeablr man — I — I — 

Sop. iioi iMi, Bell, you are uot nbMtlutc «tonc 
— yoo, jroo may be mollilied — she ts confmincl- 
cd— [AMtiir. 

Am. Sgrely he has not betrayed mc — ■ tia inj- 
ps««ibie! I cannot be deceived. [.4mic. 

Sif. Well, shnll wc E^n in to the tudics uiid Mr 
Twkeiyf Were tlicy not surprized when he open- 
ed dw boHncM to them ? 

Ara, TVoa the 6nc4t ncene itnaginable—Yon 
CBuUiee, tfaouoh tlirv all endeavoured to hide 
(hair Eking to IHfibdil, all »ere uocnvy at TuVe- 
ly*! dJacovery. At tint, they objected to bin 
iriw«t; bat they beftan in listen to ht« propnul 
ilw ovMnent I was cnlted otit to ynu ; what far- 
Iber be intends is a wcret to ua all ; but bcre fac 
^ mnici, nod without the ludies. 


TVJkr. PruT, Miss Bell— Blew me ! Miw So- 
phy reiiinicd^ T dire noi a^k — and yet, if my 
<ye» do n«t flatter my henrt— your lof>k> — 

Am. Duo't rely too mudi upon looks, Mr 

Tmke. Madan^— why, sure ■ 

Snt. I>oa*t imacine, I sny, that you can always 
tte toe miod in the ruoe. 

Take. I can see, madam, tliat ynor mind it I 
not di^iKrtcd to wi^i, or make mo happy. ] 

Sop. Did not 1 bid you not to rely upon looks?! 
Tor, do you Wmiw, m>w, that my mind is at this 
time mc»»r absolutely disposed — to du'every thing 
tbat you would have me. [Curttics. ' 

Tukf. n)Cn I have nothing more to wish, or i 
«>k oi' fortune. 

[Kaeeh, and kitset her hand, . 

At9- Come, come; this <<« tin time to attend lo 
one, when you hav so many Indies to take carr 

Tuke. I will nut yet enquire into your advei^ 
Ciirc!, till 1 hare accumpUsncd my u«n. I'tw 1j^ 
diet within hnve nt lust agreed to utiend me 
this eveninp; v^h^^e, if you Jinveamind to fitiish 
the picture you have begun this moraine, an op> 
pfirtunily may offer. 

Sop. I am otntciited with my sketch — how- 
ever, I'll muLe one ; and if you hitve nn •occasion 

for a second in any thing — I ain your man 

commnnd me. 

Tiike. A match — from this moment I talic yoo 
a.s my second ; nay, my lirst, in every drcum* 
stance of our future lives. 

Ara. Mighty pretty, truly ! and ao I nm to 
^tand cooliiic my hech, here, white yoo are mn- 
king yoiinielves ridicutmii f 

Sop. Ilell's in the riiilit— to basinrss, to b«si- 
ne*!t-^Mr TukeW, yon mu'it introtliire mc to the 
ladies; I cnn at leant make as g<Hxl a figure a% 
Mr r>atfi>dil among them. 

[Krit Soi*. and TcKt. 

Ara. When Dafr>dir» real incNmitmns aro 
knnvi-n, how Uumo poor wretches will be tlisap- 
pointed ! lEiU Ama* 

SCENE ll.—necliUMoom. 

LoiD HACtr.T, Sib Tab-Tivt, Sir WittiASi 
WuisTca,Si'iKMEa aritingjond l>«.rF00tL. 
[WaitfT behind, 

J}af. What do yoo say, my lord ? that I don't 
do it in an hour? 

LorJ Hflf. N'rtt in an hour and a half, Ocorfte, 

Maf. Dune with yoo, my lord • Fll tltke yoor 
»ei'cn tn live — screnly pound to fifty ! 

Lord Hcc. Done — III lay the o«lds a|;ain, with 
yoo, sir William, and witli you. rir Tivy. 

Sir U'li Not L, faitli; OaH'oflil has' too many 
fuic women — he'JI never do it. 

Da/. I'll tio into the country for a nreek, and 
not a petticuat sliall come near me-r-I'll take the 
odds attain. 

Sir Tan. Done, Dafl«dil ! 

l/trd Jiac. You are to hop upon nne le^i witl^ 
out dmr^n^ mind timt— ^t it down, Spuioer. 



Soin. T barp— Slutll I rcskd it 7 

/urt/ Hac. Silence iii the rourt. 

Spin. [Rtadi.] — * Lord IWket lias bett«i) se- 

* vvnty |MiaTKl<i to fiftj, with the houourablc 

* Gcol-ge DuHudi), that the latter does not walk 
«.* from 6ockingham-gB(c to the Bun-lKmse, Ht 

' CSelsns cnt m bun itierc, run back to tbe turn- 

* pike, and Cram tliciice bop upon one leg, with 

* iIk- oiher tied to the cue af his wig, to Burk- 

* iiigliain^atf i^nin, io an ttour hihI a half.* 

Daf. 1 tay, dune ! 

Xt'rc/ Hac. And done I 

Sir Hi/. Cuusidcr your women — jou'll ncrer 
do it, George. 

iV Not do it!— fHo/ii.]— \Vl.y, ni get a 
Chcl!«a pensioner shall do u in an hour, with 
his woodcu leg— —What day 5hall we fii for 

Si/ Xi'H. The fini of April, to be sure. 

Ail. lla, ha, liB ! 

lAfrd Hue. Come, DaffiKiil, read the betls and 
niatchn of lu-day — tlien let us tint»h our chaii>- 
puieac, and |i;o t» the opera. 

DaJ. [ReaJs.]—' Mnrcli 24, 1757, Sir Taiv- 

* Tivy lias pitlrtT ladj I'ettitoc, aeainst dowaprr 

* lady renniiikic, with sir Willinui SVhiaicr, lor 
'five hundred pounds' I'll pit uiy uucle, lord 
Chalkfttune, HKHin>t iheiu bvtb. 

Sir Tun. Dune ! 

dMrd Hae, The odds are against you, Dnfibdtl 
— Hiiy lord has got lo plain Nantr, now, every 

Dntl And the ladies have been At it, to zoy 
knowledct, this half year. 

ZiOrd Ra€. Good »ji;ain, George ! 

Sir Wti. [/tearf*.}--' The Imnonrable Crorp* 
' Daffodil hns betted one hundred pound?, wiili 

* sir William VVhi»ter, that he produces a getitlt~ 
' man, before the fil'lli v( Jurte next, that sbali 

* li^t- for fite days »ucccs&ivety, witlioul eating. 
' drinking, or eleeping,' He must have no bouk^, 
GcorfTc ? 

Dqf. No, no ; the gentletmn I nKan, cao't 

Sir IVil. Tis not yourself, George ! 

Omnii. Ila, bu, ha ! 'tit impossible; it must 
kill bim. 

Daf. Wliy, then, Vi\ lose mjr bet.— [itrojii.]— 

* l»rd ii«cki>t lias matdied ftir .It^blin Jolly, a- 
' eninst major Calipasii, with sir Tttii-Tm, to nin 
' fifty yards upon the Mall, after diuner; if citJicr 

* tumbles the nn^cr is lost— for fifty pouodfc.' 

Spin. I'll lay til'ty more, ocithcr of ihem run 
the ground in half an hour. 

Daf. Not in an hour I 

Sir Tail. Dune, DaHudiJ ! Ill bet you tt bui>- 
dred of thut. 

Daf. Done, baronet * III double it, if you 

Sir Tan. Wuh all my heart— book it. Spin- 
ner. [Spikncr vritci. 

lard Jtte. Voull certainly lose, George. 

Dqf. ImpoisiUe, my lord; nr Joslio u damn- 
ably out of wind. 

iAtrd Kac. W hat, asthmatic f 

Daf. No, quite cured of hu uthnui — be died 
yesterday morning— Bite. 

L<//.] Bravo, George ! 

\.MrJ Rae. Now you talk of dyin^ bow docs 
your cousin Diziy t 

Daf. iingtn on, better and wone — Lrrcs 
upon asses milk, Panada, and Krineo rooc 

Lard RtK, You'll hare a wtnd-faU there, 
George ; n good two thourand a-Ye«r. 

Daf. 1'ia bctliT, my lord; but I love Dak 
so we'll, and have lutd so many obhgationa to htm 
— he saved my lire once — that 1 could wisli him 
better health. 

Sir Wii. Or in n better place ; tber«^ dtviliih 
fine limber in &ianiil(in woods. 

Sir Tan. Down with ihcin, DafTodi). 

Jjord Rat. But let Dtzxv drop hnd; a htlle 
blakt will fell htm. 

Knter Diar. 

Dir. Not so little as you maj iaMfloe,. 

lord — Hu^h, liugh \Ct 

All. Ha, ha, lia ! 

Diif. Aii|:d» and ministers I what, couud! Wq 
were got among your trees. 

Diz. You are heartily welcome to anjrmwof 
thi'in, gcnllcmcn, for a proper piirpnar hwll. 
hugh ! 

Ijord Rae. Well <aiH, Dick ! Uow quicfc fais 
wit, apd liow youthful the rogue looks ! 

Dttf. Bloomy and plutnp^the countn air is ■ 
fine thing, my lord, 

Dia. \V elf, well, be as jocular as you pleaK ; 
I am not so ill as you may wish or iutagiM; I 
CAM walk to Koightbbrit^^- \t\ an hour, for a btt- 
, drcd pounds. 

l^rd Rac. 1 bet you a hundred of that, Dtiljf 

Daf. ni liiy you a hundred, Dick, thai I drnc 
a BOW and pigs to your lodgings before you on 
get tlitrc. 

Di;. l>one, I say! [Drtsri Aupurw.j Dow! 
Two hundred — done — three ! 

Lord Rac. I'll take Diz^ agaiost your v* 
and pittH. 

Sn Ft i7. I take t}ie field against Di^. 

Lvi J Mac. Douv ! 

Spit. Done ! 

Diz. Damn y.qur sow and pig^ 1 I am M vti 
willi the tlictighls of running witli thrm, dstl 
sliall certainly fuinL [SmcUi to a bottk^] — 
Hugh, hugh! 

Duj. Cousin Dizzy can't bear tbe mcotM « 
pofk.; he hates it— — 1 knew it would wwi. 

[Aade to tk/r*'- 

Dis. I wish you had not raeotioMd Or-\ 
can't slay — Dnmn your sow and pi^!— He*^ 
waiter, call a chnir^>Damx) your sow aod pipr" 
hugli, tiugh ■ [Erit Dim- 



Di^. Poor Din; ! Whtt a pwnoa be is in ! 
Ha. K h> < 

Lord Rac. The woofb are yours George ; 
jou ma/ nrhet the axe ; Diizy -won't live a 


Daf. Pooh, thii u nothing ; he mu always 

Sir IVU. n*U a ^taiij misfortune, Daflixlil. 

Enter Waiter. 

Wait. Mr D'mv, gentltftaenr dnipped down at 
the fruur-foot, and the cook has carried him be- 
hind the bar. 

Daf. \m.j him upon a bed, and he'll mme to 
hinieir. {Rnt Waiter. 

Ijtrd Kat. V\\ bet h(ty pound ihot he doo't 
tire till nioniini;. 

Sir WU. I'll laj six to four lie don't live a 

Dt^. Ill take vour fifljr pound. 

SfUL I'll take your lorvlahip nenin. 

ijord Hoc. Dnnp with you botli ! 

Sir Tin. Ill tmku it again. 

hard Rac. Done, done, done ! but I bar tA\ 
MBiWiHca to bim ; not a physidaa or surgeon 
NOC for, or 1 am off. 

Ih^. No, do; we are upon houDnr. 'Iticre 
dnil be nooe, else it would be a bubble bet — 
There shall be none. 

Sir WiL If I were my lord, now, the phyti- 
I should attend him. 



Enter Waiter, with a Utter. 

Wait. A letter for his honour. 
[Otoa If to UArrODtL, vho read* it to Aun- 

Sir WiL Daffmlil, remember the first of Aprit, 
aad tec the wonwD aloae. 

IXy* UpoD my tool you heTe hit it ! 'tis a 
woOHUlf fiuth I Sofoethinit very particular; and if 
y«a tn in iptrils for a odieme 

Lord Aac Ay, ay ; come, como ; a scheme, 
a ic hePM I 

Dn/' There, then, have ainung you ! 

[TArtHf I the letter upon the table. 

idird Roc. [Rc«rf», fill looking un.] Hum 
' If the liking vour perMin be a sin, what womun 

'isaoc guilty r — hum, bum at the end of 

' the Bin)<^age Walk — (ilK>iit seven — wlicre the 
' dari ta — and pnvocy will befriend my blushes; 
* I wijl CMdviBCe you what trust I have in your 
' secrvcT axtd honour. Yours, ' Jncocmita.* 

DaC WUtyuugo? 

Ijw-d Roc. Whnt do you propose ! 

Da^, Til go — If after I have liecn with her 
ittlf an hour, you'll come upon us, oud liavc a 
blvw up. 

Sir mi. There's a i^lant for you ! 

On/! PritlieCt sir WiUiam, be quiet ; must a 
■OB be ill love with every womun that invites 

SiT Wit No ; but be should be hoaoumble to 

them, George, and rather conceal a woman's 
woaknew, than expose it — I hate this work — so^ 
I'll go the coffee-house. [KziY Sir WiLLtAH, 

Lord Rac. Ixt htm v> — tlo'i't nund him* 
George; he's married, and past fifty — this wilt 
be H tine frolic — dtrvilish high ! 

D/tf. Very ! — Well, I'll go and prepare my- 
self; put on my surtijut, and take my chair to 
Budciiij^ham-Gaie. I know Uic very spoL 

Lord Rae. We'll come with fiombeaux; yoii' 
mutt be surprised, and 

Daf. 1 know what to do — HerCi waiter, 

£n(cr Waiter. 

TIow does counn Dint f 

Wait, (juitc n-cuvcred, sir. He is in the PIk»«'I 
nix with two ladies, and has ordered a bculed 
chicken and jellies. 

Litrd Rar. There's a blood for you ! without a 
dnkji in his veins. 

Do('. Do you stay with him, then, tilt I have 
secured my lady ; and in half an hour from tlus 
time, come away, and bring Dinv with you. 

Lord Rar. If hell leave tlie UuJies— Don't tl»« 
Italian marquis dine with us to-murrow ? 

Da/. ('eriRinly. 

L<>rd Rac. Well, do you mind your busincMk 
and I'll speak to the cook to shew his genius— 
Allons! [Erit Daff.] Tom, bid llie cook attend 
me tO'morrow nwming, on special oAiirs. 

[Erit LoRo Haceet, &c. 

id Wait. I shall, my lord. 

Iif Watt. I'll lay you. Tom, five sixpences to 
three, thnt my lord wins his bctt with his liouuur 

2J Wait. Done with you, Harry ; ni taka 
your half-^:rown to eighteenpcnce 

[Bell ringi mthin. 

tit Wait. Coming, sir; I'll moke itshiihog^ 

•2d Wait. No, Harnr', you're the best on't, 
[Bell riitfit.] Coming, sir. I'll tnkc fivti sbilUnga 
to two. [Bell rin^i.] Cuming, sir. 

li* Wail. Coming, sir.- — -No, 6re to three. 

Srf Half. Shillings? Coming, «r. 

li/ HViir \o — .Sixpences 

Sd Wait. And done. [Belt ringi.] Coming, sir. 


Enter Arabem*, Mrs Damply, Laot Fan 
PrwiT, Mrs Dotterei, Tcsslt in vomen't 
etothct, and Sophia ia inraV 

Ladiet. Ila, hn, ha ! 

Ara. Whnt a fiyurv ! and what a scheme ! 

Tiike. Dcnr ladies, be as merry wiUi my (igiiro 

as you please ! Yet you shall sec, this bgiire, 

aukward aA it is, shall be preferred in its turn, 
as well as you hare been. 

Sipp. Why will you give yourself this unnece^ 
sary trouble, Mr Tukcly, to convince these la- 




dies nlio hnd rather sliLl be deluded, end will 
^ hoile voiir fricDdsliip for brenkbg cbe chanu f 

AriL My dear ouusin, though you ure satisfied, 
tbcKC ladies arc not ; aiid^ if tlicy have their imr- 
ticular muoot for dieir inGdcliiv, pray, let them 
enjoy itf 'till they have other proofs than yoar 

Stip, Ar, Bell, we \m\v all our prejudices. 

T\ikf. U'lmt st^nifirs reosoningt witcu we are 
going upf>n the experiment? Dispone of yourselves 
bchitid thuse trcc», and I wilt rrnnir tu the place 
of appoiutioeiit, and draw liiui nillier; but you 
promise ta conLnin yuurwhets let what will tiap- 
pCD. Hear, tuul <>eu; but be silent 


$»/). A severe injunction, indeed, ladies — Hut 
I Riubt to my post. [Exit Soi>. 

Mr$ Damp. If he's a villoiu, I can never hcltl ! 

Lady few. 1 shall tear his eyes out ! 

Airt Dot. For my part, if I nns untnarried, I 
ihuuld not think liim worth mv aoger. 

Ara. Hut as you arc, madnui 

Mrt Dot. I utidcr»tand your insinuations, Miss 
Bell ; hut my character and conduct need nn ju»- 

Aru. I hep; pardon, mailain ; I intended no 
oHr'nct:. — But ho&le ti> yuur posth, ladirx ; the 
CDemr's at hand. [Tkey retirt behind the trtcs. 

Enter TvizLv and DAFroi>ir, 

lyike, [Jn a wowfla'i ww-e.J For lleaven's 

sake, let UB be caotiotts ! 1 am sure I heard a 


Dof. Twiis niithin^ but vour fenr, my aoj(cl ! 
— don't be alanncd 1 here can be no dan- 
ger, while we hav^ love and diir^uesa to befriend 

Tukf. Bless me, how my heurt beats ? 

Dot'. Poor soul i what a frigjit it i» in ! 

You must not give -wns to t}ie»c alanos— ^Were 
you as well convinced of aiv honour, aa I am of 
your choniu, you would have iiothiag to fear — 
[Sneezes her hand. 

Ara. Upon my word !— fJxit/e. 

Mrs Damp. So, so, so ! [AtiUf. 

Tukr. Hold, sir; yon must take no liberties — - 
But, if joM luiie the least fpelijig for an unhappy 
wotnao. anted by her passion in this imprutient 
»tcp, assist Die — forgiic me — let inv go. 

D'{f. Cnii you doubt my honour? Can you 
doubt my love t What assurances can I ^vo ytra 
to abate yuur fcors I 

Mrt Dot. Very slender ones, I con assure her. 


Tnkf. I deserve to sufltr all I feel For 

what, but tlic most blinded passion, cnuld induce 
me to declare myself ta one, wIiom; aiiiuunt and 
iiifrdehtics arc the common topic uf ctitivtrea' 
tiofl ! 

Dqf. Flattering creature! [v<«dr-] May I 

never know your dear nan»e, see your charming 
face, touch your soft luuid, or bear your (tweet 

voice, if I am not mnro shieere in tny affection 

lur thi« little finger, than for alt the sea hesades. 

[The iadies teem astoniahed, 

Tuke. Escapt die widow Damply. 

Da/. She ! Do you know her, madam f 

Tuke. I have not that honoar. 

Da/. I thouj;hi so — Did yo'i never set her, 
iiiii(Jnm, nodliii^ and ROfilinit la her old-fashincd 
licavy chortut, drawuliT a pair of lean backncy 
horses, with a fat blarkammir footman LeliiiMi, 
in a H-nnty livery, red greasy slurkincx and a 
dirty turban? [The widou §eeina duordrrtd. 

Tuke. All which may be only a fuil lu ber 
bciiuty. L'Sri^J 

Di^f. Beauty ! don't >igh, madam ; ifae tt^^^| 
furtv, wears a wic. and has lo»t Iww of berniV 

tfotli. Aa<I, then, ^he has h> long ■ beard 

upon her upper lip, atul takes so much Spaoid) 
^niitT, tlmt ^c looks for idl ilic world, like (b* 
(Jrvat Motiul iu petttcoala; ha, hu — 

Mrt Damp. What falKhotK) and ingratitade .' 


Tuke. Cuuld ] ileacend to the slander of cbe 
tiiwn, there is a marrictl lady — 

Dvf. Poor Mrs Dotterel, vou mcao? 

.Vn Dot. Why, iini 1 to hr meiilinned I 

1 hnru iiuthiag trj dtt- 

Mrt Dump Nay> nay ; you must have ymi 
iliare uf tlif pllne^rrir. 

TnXf. She is yining, and has wii. 

Du/. Nhc's an idiot, madam : and ns foob m 
^rnemlly loving, ^lic hns forgot all her oblintiiiU 
ro otil Mr I>utterel, who married her whmt t 
petticoat ; and now seiies upon every yowg hi- 
i'ln- ffhe ran lay her hands upon— «ho bn fpoiM 
me three suits of clotlit-s, witJi tearing ibe llsfs 
and «lceves. Ha, ha, haf 

Mit Dot. Monster of iniquity ! 

Dttf. She Itns even stunned me in my oa* 
housv; but, with all my faults, madatn, yonV 
never find mc over-f>md of nft^ or UDorance:. 

Mri Damp. I could tear hun to piccct ! 

AIrt Dot. I Kill tear him to pieces! 

Ara. Be quiet, and well all tear him to piorev 

Tuke. lie has swallowed the book, aod Ofi^ 
escape. [ABit- 

jiiif. What do yoo say, madam t 

Tuke. I am only •t^tnz, sir. 

J Uif'. Fond creature ! [^iWr] I kbonr thiR 
are n ibouaand stories about mc : You kat* 
heani, ton, of l^y Fanny Pewit, I suppoM' 
Don't be alarmed. 

Tuke. I can't, help it, sir. Sbe i> n &M WCaMk 
and a tvoman of quality. 

Da/. A tine wunaui, perhaps, forawooMDo' 
quality — but she is an absohue nld iwrid. naJH^ 
iilmmt a» tluLk us ihv. m lon^:— middtMfcA 
liumtly, and wanton ! Tliat's licr character. 

jMdjf Pew. Then, tliere is do RDCCtky in omo. 


Ara. Pontively, you ihan*t a£ir. 

Do/* Upon my soul, I pity the poorcrealOt! 



■ — -Sh« )» DOW Upon her loit legs. IT tihc does 
oot run awaj nitb some foolisli ^tiUemnu tUW 
winter, the'U return into tbc couutrf, aod marry 
her I'ootman, ba, ha, ha ! 

La^ Pew. My foutuum shall break his boucs, 
I ran telt him dial. 

DaC Hush, madam ! [ protest Z tliought I 
beard a roice — I wonder diey dou't comC- 


Tuka. ^wtts only I, Mr DaiTodil— I was mur* 
iDurioc to you. ['^Ax. 

Dof! RrUy murmurer ! — 'End, if tbev dun't 
come woo, ttu: lady will t;row fund. [Aiidf. 

Tuk^. But among your conquests, Mr UulTo- 
dil, yau (orsfit Miss Sophy Sprightly. 

A^ And bcr cuu^D Arabelw.'-l wascoming 
Co them ; poor, silly, good-naturedi lovin>; fools T 
I made luy aildre»e& tu oite tUrough pique, and 
the otiier lor pity : thnt was all. 

Tkkc O, that 1 could believe you ! 

D<^ Drtti't be uneu^y ! I'll tell you how it was, 
madam — You niusL know, there is a Killy, sett- 
sufficient fellow, one Tnkcly — — 

Tmkc So, sa — [Asidr.] — 1 know him a little. 

Daf. I am sorry for il — live Ic^ you kuuw of 
him. tlie better ; tbc fello'.* pretended to look 
ficixe at me, for which 1 ruMitved to hurc bis 
tDi*tj«ts ; So I threw in my lino, aitd without 
iBttcfa trouble, hooked her. Ik-r ptxir cousin, 
too, Qibbled at tbc bait, and was cnu^ht So I 
have had my rerenf^e upon Tukdy, uud now I 
shall wttlio^ly rraiga pour Suphv, and throw hiiu 
in her cousin, for a makc-»ei|'fit, hn, lin, ha ! 

Lady Fev. This is ytiiiu tomfurt, at Itjast. 

Am. Your ladysliip ts better rliaii \ou was. 

[Avitf without. 

TuJu, r V.JW. I hear a noise, — What shall we 
duf It comes this way. 

D'lK They can't sec us, my dear. — I wish my 
friends would come. [Aiide.] Don't whisper, or 

Enter Sopvia, in a turlotit, and iUju<hcd hat. 

Sop. If I could but catdi Iter at her pranks — 
■be certainly mii»t be this way — for the chair is 
wauinfT at the cod of Kouunond'.'r pond— 1 have 
Cbrowu one of bcr chairmt-u into it — and, if I 
could but catch her — 

Tnkc. O, UT ! mv passion has undone me — I 
Uo discovered; it is ray husband, ur George, 
■mI be is loolufif for mc ! 

Off/*. The dcvd it is ! Why, dicn, inHdam, the 
best wav will be for you to go to him — and let 
me eoeaK ofT ttie other wav. 

Tmke. Go to him, sir ! What can I say to him? 

Di^K Any thin^, madam — Say you hod the 
vapours, and wanted air. 

Tkkr. l»rd, sir ! he is tbe most passionate 
nf mottals; and I am afraid he is in liquor, 
t4o; ami, tlien, lie is mad ! 

Sop. l( I could but catch her— 

[ Looking about. 

Dttf, For yoor saVe, madnm, III make iIm 
best of my way home [Going. 

Take, What ! would you leave mc to the fury 
of an enraged husband I — Is that your nlfneti-in * 

[Hold* fum. 

&ip. If I conld but catd) her — lin I whni's 

that r I saw something move in the dark ttie 

point nf my swnrd shall tickle it out, whatever it 
IS. [Draws, and gotM loteertU themu 

Titke. For Heaven's sake draw, and tight htm, 
while I make my escape ! 

i.)a/* Fight liim ! 'twoobi be oownrdly to f>ght 
in the dark, and with a drunken man — I'll i:aJl 
the sentry. 

T'uke. And exp-se us to ilic world ? 

Da/. I Yfould to Hcu^ en we were ! [Aude, 
He comet forward.] Let me go, madum ; you pinch 
me (u ilw tfonf. 

Tukt. lie won't Limiw us — I have lay mask 

Ladiri. Ha, ha, ha ! 

Sair. Wliat, i:%tiic devil and bis impA playinf! at i 
blind man's bntl'? Ay, ay; hero be is, indeed ; Sa- 
tan himself, dressed like n line gentleman — C'nme, 
Mr Devil, out witli your pitchfork, and let ua 
take a thrust or two. 

Da/. You mitttake mo. Mr, I am not tbe pri^ 
son; lodeed, 1 am not; 1 know notliiitg of your 
wife, sir George; and if ynu know how hitlcl 
care for the whole gcx, you would not be so fiH 
ni)u» with nn innocent mau. 

Sop. Who are you, then? And what are t'ou 

doin^ with that blnckamoor lady there ilan- 

citt^ sarabond with a pair uf autancts? .Spcnk, 
sir ! 

Dm/. Vaty forbear, sir ; here** company crrniinj; 
fhat will siilist'y you in every tliinj — Hallo, hallo — 
Here, linre, lierc IfHaUot faintly.^ my lord, my 
lord I— Spinoer^Diny — llallo ! 

EHter Lorn Racket, Sir Tamivt, Spinsbii, 
niul Dizzy, with torcket. 

Lord Roe. What's the matter here ?— Wbo 

cntis t'ur help? 

Du/. [ Runniit/! to than s-i/A his twdrd drotra.] 
O, my friend!:, 1 biiie been wisliing for you this 
half boor \ I have been set upon by a dozen fel- 
lows — They have all made their escape, but this 
— .My turn is quite dead — I have been at cart 
and tieroe with tliem all, for near a quarter of aa 

Sop. In buckram, my lord ! — He was got with 
my property here, and I n-ould have diastised 
him for it, if your coming hod not pre\'ented it. 

Da/. Let us throw the rascal into Rosamond'a 

Lord Rac. Come sir, can you swim i 

[AU going up. TuKr.i.r snatchei So- 
phia's ncard, and the runs bfhind 

Tukc. Ill dcfcAd you, mj deitr I^Wbat, would 




Ton murder • nmni and lie with his wife, too? — 
Ob ! joa are a wicked gentleniab, Mr Dafiudil, 
[Attacks Daffodil. 

Da/. Whjt the devil's in the woman, I think ! 
[AH the Ittiiifs aitvanct from behind. 

Ijidiet. Ha, ha, ha! jrour bumble servant, Mr 
DnHbdU — ho, hn, ha ! [Curtsying. 

Vaf. This U all endiantitient ! 

Lady Pew. Nn, sir, the enchantiucDt is broke ; 
and die old maid, sir, homely nnd wnnton, befitro 
fthc retires into thr cuiinlrjr, Iku the ^Ati&tnctiotl 
of knowing that tin: agreeublt: Mr UulltKlil is u 
much more cootcniptible mortal, ihoii the t'uot* 
man which hi^ goodness bag been pleased to mar- 
r> Iter In. 

Ijtdiet. lla, ha, ha ! 

%in Damp. Would Mr DnftLHlil pleiue to hnvt- 
a pinch of Spanish snutf out of the ^rciit iitogur& 
box ? Tu tne best thti^ in the world tnr Iom 
ijitrits. [Offeif her bw. 

Jjidi^i. Hn, ha, ha ! 

Jfn l>i>t. If a fool may not be nennittcd Co 
speak, Mr Daffodil, let her at lca;it he permitted 
to lmi4(b at so Hnc a (iicnllcman — lln. hn, hn ! 

Ara. Were you as scoMble of shntitc, a? you 
are of fear, the sii;ht nf ipe, whom vou lorcd for 
pity, would be revcnm; »uflicient — IJut I am for- 
^vc your baseness to me, much easier than I 
can myself, for my behaviour to this happ) 
coil pi p. 

Ihtf. WIw> ilic deril are they ? 

Ara. The nmrquis and murchioDess of Maca- 
rmti, ladies — lla, nn, Im ! 

Sm. lla! Mio Corrissma Amico, il agninr 
Daffodillo \ 

liaf. Uuw \ Tukely and Sopliia ! — If I don't 
wake soon, 1 shall wi&h never to wdcc agaiu .' 

Spb. Who bid) fairest now for Biuanumd'i 

Lord Rac. Wliat, in the name of wonder, it 
all thiik business ? I don't understand it. 

J)it. Nor I neither: but 'tis vary dmie, fiuth'. 

Tuke. The mystery will clear m a rannicot. 

D(i/'. X>on't giTc yourself any trouUe, Mr 
TukuEy; things are pretty clear as they ar»— 
The nimbi's cool, aiiu my cousin Dtzxy, here, ts 
an invalid — If you please, anotliCT time, wbm 
there is Icm conipnay. — [Lodict iaufih.) — The In- 
dies arc plenied to be nterry, and you are pleased 
to he H htilc nosxy ; and so, for tlie sake of tr■l^ 
quillily — I'll go w tlu; Opera. 

[D*rrooiL nraktaat by de^rra. 

Lord Rac This Is a Ime binw-up, indeed !— 
Indies, your humble servant — Hallo ! DaSodii. 


Viz. rit lay you ■ handrcd, that mr cmtni 
neifer intritfues again — Geoi^* ! George : Doo't 
run— hugh, hnch [EriL 

Tuke. As my sadsfaction is complete, I hue 
noue to a«i of .Mr DiflbdiL I for^velus beha- 
viour to ine, as it has hastened nnd confirmed my 
happiness Jiere. [ToSophu.]— But as a friend 
to you, ladies, I shall in<>i»t upon his making yoa 
ample sati-ifaclion ; Howcvrr, tJiij benefit will 
arise, that >-ou will hereafter ei|tiallY detest and 
shun these destroyer) of your reputation. 

In you coquettry it ■ Ion of fame ; 
But, in our sex, 'lis that detested nunr, 
'Diat marks the want nf tpauliood, virtue, tenie 
and shame. 

[Ettunt otMA 






Qcinsrxc, tAf unfiahterfr. 
pAHVSLrr. Q /mcknry Kribhlrr. 
ILllOa, a btrtuT, cra:j/ nitS politict, 
SlXVOtrn, in /mr uith lUitltlCT. 

Fri:»r r, umek to Harriet. 

Biiti,. WTTant to Belmdi'r. 
Ctotctl^ ■ tamyrr. 


IIarrift, (iayghter to QL-ip^ustC* 
TruMAOANT, ker miud. 
Maid to FcKBLC 

SeoM — London. 

ACT t 

SCENE t.— Bu.icoub's toH^ng. 

Eater Bti not R, heating Biii»K. 

Britk, Mr Beliuour ! — Let me flic, sii 
ioM to be MTf d, w- 

BeL bimh! RiigiM! Vilkin !— I'll teacli you, 
I •iti, you rmtcai I to apeak irreverently of her J 

Bn»k. Am I iim « fiiirwr, sir, I nnlt inevnF^— 

Bd, iJuiif incant! Vuu cnulci u»i mciffi it, 
flrkmnwtm jou twd nu iiiciuiiiik, Ixiubv- 

Bnai, Wh'jr. uo, iif— ibat'i the very Uiuif^ tir 
--J bud no meaiiiiit;. 

Aei Thoi. limiht IH make yoii know jour 
■tmiM liar ifa« fncur*. 

Bruk. Yes. tar — to be sure, ur and ve> 

^fOB mi MToni, if jkhi woald be btii a little cool, 
B^iott'd ted 1*IB ux laadi lu blanir. Bc«Mlca« 

Vol. nx. 

maiiter, too can't conceive die gXM>d it woald do 
«our boalth, if yua wiU but keep jrour lemper m 

beL Miebty well, sir, pvc jtmt adviee ! 

Bfuk. Why, really, now, this ume love hath me- 
tamorplKMod u» b«th vury stranudy, nuuter : for, 
tft be free, hetff have we been at this work Cbata 
MX weeks, «tark-5tariiif!; mad in love witii a oouplk 
ur ba0t«ftr* not wtirth a eroat : and yet, Uiaven 
betp us ! they have lui much pride as comet CO 
liie share of n lady of quality, before she has been 
cuuxht in the fact with a haodsome joaag, fetbw, 
or indeed after »be hiu beea caught^ for that 

HfL YoQ won't have ikioe, nwcat 1 

Hfuk. In fihort, my young mistress and ber 
mAid h»*e u much priilF- and poTCrty a» — a*— 
iw oiaturr witat ; ihey have the det il and allr— 
t F 




when, at the same time, every body knows the 
old broken upholsterer. Miss Harriet's father, 
might give us alt he has in the world, aod not 
cat the worse pudding on a Sunday for it. 

Be/. Impious, execrable atheist ! What, de- 
tract from Heaven i V\\ reform your notions, I 
will, you saucy [Be^U him. 

Brisk, Nay, but my dear sir — a litue patience 
—not so hard 

Enter RovEWELt. 

Rote. Belmoar, your servant — What, at \og- 
gerheads with my old friend Brisk ? 

BeL Confusion \ — Mr Rovewell, your servant 
——this is your doing, haog-di^ !— Jack Hovewell, 
I am glad to see thee 

Rove. Brisk used to a good servant — he has 
not been tampering with any of his master's ^rls, 
has be? 

Bel. Do you know, Rnvcwell, that he has had 
the impudence to talk dctractingly and profane- 
ly of mv mistress ?— — 

Britk. For which, sir, I have suffered inhu- 
manly, and most unchristian-like, I uwure you. 

BeL Will you leave prating, booby f 

Rave. Well, but Bclmour, where does she 
live? I am but just arrived, you know, and I'll 
go and beat up her quarters. 

Bel. [Half atidci\ Beat up her quarters ! 

\_LoQki at him tmilingly, then half aside. 

Favours to none, to all she smiles extends; 
Oft she rejects, but never once offends. 

[Stands musing. 

Rave. Hey ! what, fallen into a reverie ? Pri- 
thee, Brisk, what does all this mean i 

Brisk. Why, sir, you must know 1 am over 

bead and cars in love. 

Rove. But I mean your master; what ails 

Brisk. That's the very thing I am going to tell 
Tou, sir — As I said, sir — I am over head and ears 
in love with a whimsical queer kind of a piece 
here in the neighbourhooci; and so nothing can 
serve my master, but he must full in love with 

tbc mistress. Look at him now, sir 

[Belmour continues musing and mutter- 
ing to himself.] 

Rove. Ha, ha, ha ! Poor Belmour, I pity thee, 
with all my heart ■ 

[Strikes Aim on the shoulder. 

Ye gods, annihilate both space and time, 
And make two lovers happy. 

BeL My dear Rovewell, such a fijrl ! Ten 
thousand cupids play about her mouth, you 

Rove. Ten thousand pounds had better play 
alMmt ber pockcL What fortune has she ? 

Brisk. Heaven help us^ not mncfa to crick 

BeL Not much to crack of, Mr Brazen I Pri- 
the. Rovewell, how can yon be lo ungenerous as 
to ask such a question ? You know I don't mind 
fortune ; though, by the way die has an uncle, 
who is determined to settle very handsomely up- 
on her, and on the strength of that does she give 
heritelf innumerable airs. 

Rove. Fortune not to be minded! FIl tell 
you what, Bclmour, though yon have a good one 
already, there's no kind of inconvenience in a 
little more. I am sure if I had not minded for- 
tune, I might have been in Jamaica still, not 
w»rdiasiigar>cane; but the widow Holosaei took 
a fancy to me — Heaven, or a worse destiny, has 
taken a fancy to her ; and so, after ten years ex- 
ile, and bring turned a-drift by my finiher, here 
am I again, a warm planter, and a widower, 
most woefully tired of matrimony. But, my 
dear Belmour, we were both so overjoyed to 
meet one another yesterday evening, jast as I 
arrived in town, that I did not hear a sylhUile 
from you of your love-fit. How^ when, and 
where, did this happen I 

BeL Oh, by the most fortunate mccideat that 
ever was — I'll tell thee, Rovewell — J was gobg 
one night from the tdVem about six weeks ago — 
I had been there with a parcel of blades, whnse 
only )oy is centered in their bottle; and faith, 
till this accident, I was no better mysel f —h ot 
ever since, I am grown quite a new man. 

Rove. Ay, a new mnn, indeed '. Who, in tlie 
name of wonder, would take tliec, sank as thoi 
art, into a musine, moping, melancholy kwer, 
fur the gny Charles Belmour, whom I knew ut 
the West Indies? 

Bit. Puh ! that is not to be mentioned. Yon 
know my father took me against my will fros 
the university, and consigned me over to the act* 
deinic discipline of a man of war ; to that, U 
prevent a dejection of spirits, I was obUticd to 
run into the opposite extreme — as you yoondf 
were won't to do. 

Rove. Why, yes; I had my moments of iv- 
fleciion, and was glnd to dissipate tliem. Yoo 
know I alwavs told you there was sometbinKn* 
traordinarv in my story ; and so there is stilL I 
suppose it must be cleared up in a few days dd* 
— I am in no hurry about it, though : I must see d* 
town B little this evening, »nd Iiave my (t^ 
Brst. But to the point, Belmour — you waig^ 
ing from the tavern, vou say ? 

BeL Yes sir, about two in the momint: tti 
I perceived an unusual blaze in the wir-~l *■* < 
In a rambling humQur, and so resolved to kao" 
what it was. 

Brisk. I and my master went together, NT- 
Be/. Oh, Itmewell! my better stars ordHMd 
it to licht tnc on to happiness. By sure attrac- 
tion led, I rame to the very street where a boM 
was OD fire; water-engines playing ftames ih 



c« Ttding, al) bnrry, cnnfusion, Dnd (jistreu ! wbl^n, 
oo a fiiildpn, ihr voirr nf despair, stiver swwl, 
mine Uinlliug down to my %"t'ry hearL ' Pui>r, 
de*tr» Ijtiltf soul, «bat can tshe do!' cried tlu' 
nci!;hbour«. Agnin «he fcrcanifd ; tlio fire pa- 
llicring force, and piinin^ upon her cvcrv in- 
*tut\t. Iti'rc, iindnin, wid 1, leap into inv armfe, 
I'll be sure to reci'ivc yon. Aod uould tiid 
think It? down s}k cainc — my dear Horfncll, 
*iucli ft Ki''' ! 1 caui^lit her in my anii^, you rut'tic, 
t«fc, withriut bsnn. The dear naked V\-nuN jti^-t 

n»en from her bed, my boy licr slender 

wai^t, Rovewt'U, the downy smoothness ni' lier 
nbolc prrsiiii, and Iirr liiTih«, liamiunious swel- 
line by tia(ure\ **>fte*t hwid ! 

ffmv. Haptiires ntidpiinidise! Wiat seraglio 
in Covcitt Gnnlcn did ynu curry her In? 

B<L T\wtc ntniii, now ! Do, prithee, eorrecl 
^MT wqy of thiiikinz; take a qimntiim »u()ktt 
'ilf Ttrtnotis jtnf, nt«| purify yf.trr itle-.i">. Ilcr 
Inwly brt^bluliic**, her drhcnic fears, ht-r hoau- 
ly, Kri:;htPoed and endeared hv rtiitre-i's disner- 
setl my wildest tli'iughtn, nud incited itw lulu 
tcndemcvii and respect. 

Hove. Butt Itcluinur, surely she has not the 
impudenrc to be mtxIcAt aftvr you biivc had p(t»- 
jcmon of Her person ? 

fitt. My »irivs are honoiimble, I iw^urc yr.ii, 
Mr; but her father is mj abnurdlv p<iMti»c. Tin: 
nan is diMmctcd ntmui the balnnce uf power, 
■sd will >;ive hi? daughter to twtie btit n poMti- 
OMt. When there vrjis an execution iti hiii 
house, h<-- dtonght if iiothinic, hut the rnuip nt 
Pyma; and nuw he's Imiiknint, liis hcnd rutif 
up»n the way* and means ami stiicmrs for pny- 
ui|[ uif the natiofuil debt: the ulfAirs of Europe 
qtfroa i all hia attention, while the distrcsse* of 
hn lovely diiushter pnsK uniiotieed. 

Riivr. KidindotK tiimR;li ! But wliv do you 
■kiwi hiin ! Why don't you i;o to bed to the 
HI once ! T ake her into kccpint;, 

ftf/. n<>w mn you Inik so ailrontiiislT of her ? 
Hate not I lold t<'ii, ihuiiph her fntlirr is ruined, 
vtilj sbe lios gfcut cipcctnncies fruui a hrli re- 

Ravt. ITien, what do you stand waterine at 
the mouth fi-ir? If she in to have inoncv enough 
I fiir her chinn, lier carainjE debt*, )\vr d'*ff?, 
Bonkryu, inarTv her, then, if you needs 
rraiiMired : be in n foul's paradise (Vir a 
ftuoey-moon; then, oho* to yourself, wonder at 
what viKi htiTc done, and mix with hoiieM fellows 
arain : Carry her nlT, I say, ood never stand 
wbining for the fitther's ranMrnt. 

Hei. y«rrr her off! I Lkc the scheme— Will 
you asfrist me * 

Rave. No oo; there I beg to be excused. 

Don't you mncmber what the uityriit sny^i — 
' • N«ycr marry while there's * halier to U* liad 
[* far OBoncTt or a brid^ tu afford a convenient 

Bei. Prithee leave fooling. 
Horr. I am in sc-rioii^ earnest, I aMiire you. 
I'll dniik with you, ;^ie with you, 50 into any 
scHtine '>r fndic widi vou ; but *w«rc matrimonv! 
Nay, if j'tu rome to the tnveni lhi*< evening, I'll 
di'iuk ywr intstress's hcnith in u humper; but as 
to your cnnjuttal scheme, FH have nothing to do 
witS that bti&ineu, positively. 

Hft. Well, well, ni take you at your woni, 
and meet you at ten exactly, at the sfiiiie place 
wc were at in^ht; then and there I'll let 
Y'>ii know what further niCR9ure» I luive cnn- 

Hare. Till then, rarcwell ; «-pn>p«» — do you 
know that I have seen none of my rtlatioiift jot^ 
iJt7. Time enoi«;h ti>.mcirn)w. 
Ravf. Ay, ay, to-intimiw will do — Well, your 

Rei. Rovcwell, youri. [JBti/.] Sec the gen- 
tleman ilown tititirA— nnd dye hear? eotne tome 
in oiy study, that I may civc you a letter m Htur- 
ncL .\nd hark'e, sir— he sure you sec l!nrriet 
her>elf; and let me bive no measairs from that 
offii iouB {.'o-ttctween, tier mistress Sitpsinn of a 
niiiid, with her unintelligible jarsnn ot hard 
words, nf whieh she neithtr knuw>* the rnenning 
nor pronunciali-jii. [E.tit BnrsK.l I'll write lo 
her this iiionn-iit, acquaint her with the soft tu- 
mult uf Miy desirei, aud, if |H>nible, umkc her 
mmc own Uiis very nighL 

[ Erit repeating. 

* I-nrp fiDf tniizht letters for same wretch's aid, 
Some I>aiii9hc>d lover, or Mine captirc maid.' 

SCENE II.— The VphoitUrtrs kouae. 
Enter IIabriet anJTECMAOAiiiT. 

Tcr. Well, but, madam, he has made love lo 
you six ivecka succeMively ; he ha» been as con- 
stunt in his moors, poor t^enilvman, ns if you had 
the subversion of 'state to settle upon bini — and 
tf he slips through your lincrcrs now, madam, you 
have Dohoily to depute it but to yourself 

Hnr. LapI, TenTiai;»nt, how you run on t I 
tell you n^in and again, my pride was toadied, 
because he seemed to presume on his opulence 
and my fallH'r'« distresses, 

Ttr. 1.3, ■\!i«s llarrH-i, how can you he *o p«- 
radmpsicnl in 'pinions? 

Har. Well, bnt you know, thoI^•h my father's 
atTiirs arv ruiued, 1 am not in mj desperate a 
tvnv; consider mv unrlcV fortune is tin trifle^ 
and I think timl prospei-t <^imtles inc to j^ive my- 
self a few airs, before I te^iu'ri mv pervMi. 

Tfr. I emnt ye, niadnin. you have very 
Cood prc(cn<>ion« ; bnt then, it's wnitini fur dead 
men's sl^fca : \% venture to he perjured Mr 
Dellmotir ikcver disclaimer! an tdcar of your fa< 
ther'i distress. 

Har. Supposing dtat ? 




Ter. SappoM, nudun — I kaow itdiipuubly 
to be so. 

i/u>. lodisputAblj, I cucw you moan; but 
I'm Lircd of wrniif^Uii^ witli you abiiut words. 

Ter. Bv my irutli, you arc iii the rinht on't — 
tHereS i)cVr u s\w in ul Old England Tas vour fa- 
ther culls itj is mistress of such pliihtulug;}-, tu [ 
am. liiccruiin I am. as how you don Dot know 
nobody that puts their words toirclher wilii such 
a curai'y a& myarlf. I orwc lived with a niibttiH, 
uistdam — Klisius \ She was a lady — a ereat brew- 
er's ^ife — and &he wore as tine clothes at^ any 
pt'non of quality, let her get up hs early as she 
«ill — and »hc used tu call mc— Tormn^antf says 
•lie— uhat is the f^rilica