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NUMBER 
——" 





ie 
—~" on 
4 ~ = 
. ti 
= E. me ; 


STARRING 
OUR FULL-COLOR 
FOLD-OUT BONUS 













DQ 
MARTIN 


“Give’Em Hell” 
ELECTION YEAR 


STICKERS 


PRE-GLUED AND PERFORATED FOR 
IMMEDIATE MISUSE AND ABUSE! 





A GRIM FAIRY TALE 








: AL JAPFEE 


WRITER 


ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. 





SUPER SPECIAL 
NUMBER TWENTY 


“Living on a budget is the same as living beyond your means, 
except that now you have a record of it!”—Alfred E. Neuman 


WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor 


JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production 
JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors 


CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS 
the usual gang of idiots 


VOTE SMUT 
AND 
OBSCENITY 


OFF OUR STREETS! 
PULL LEVER 3a! 





MAD SUPER SPECIAL NUMBER 20—Published by E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MAD- 
ison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Entire Contents Copyright © 1972, 1973 and 
1976 by E. C. Publications, Inc. The names and characters used in all MAD 
fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a 
living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. 


DEPARTMENTS 
(In Order Of Their Appearance) 


THE FAMILY THAT PREYS TOGETHER DEPARTMENT 
“The Oddfather” (A MAD Movie Satire) ................ 2 


GURLEY BOOKS DEPARTMENT 
lf Other Mags Copied Cosmo’s “Sex’’ Formula ........ 11 


DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT 

Don Martin Looks At Cavemen .........0000 cn... 14 

The Enterprising Young Amazon ..................0.00.... 29 

One Busy Day In A Highway Restaurant ................. 45 

One Day At The Bullfights ......000.000 oc . 60 

One Tuesday Morning ....0.0..0...02.0 ccc. 80 
A BLESSING ON ALL YOUR HOUSES DEPARTMENT 

The MAD “Religion In America” Primer .................. 17 
POST-WASTE DEPARTMENT 

MAD Postcards From Vacationers .............000.00.0... 22 
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT 

The Lighter Side Of Air Travel oo... 24 

The Lighter Side Of Summer Activities 0.000.000... 66 
SPLITTING HEADACHES DEPARTMENT 

You Know You're Really Divorced When .................. 30 
STAMP OUT CORRUPTION DEPARTMENT 

Don Martin ‘Give ’Em Hell’’ 

ElOCTION. J Gal SLICKEIS: .. iiuecct cans rato lon Insert 
FIELD GOLD DEPARTMENT 

“Pro Football News” (A MAD Periodical) ................ 33 
THE FOREST'S PRIME EVIL DEPARTMENT 

WORD LOOK AT HUNTING oc 38 
DEAR MONEY AND DADDY DEPARTMENT 

The Art Of Writing Home For Money ...................... 42 


FOCUS-POCUS DEPARTMENT 
A Guide To “TV Late Show” Cliché Movie Props ......46 


AD INSULT TO INJURY DEPARTMENT 


Snappy Answers To Stupid TV Commercials ............ 50 
/ 
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT 

BE VG DON ato Gist eis cee Lk Me 
SPEECH-EASY DEPARTMENT 

Bulling Your Way Through Election Campaigns ......54 
INSIDE-OUCH DEPARTMENT 


Behind The Scenes At Your Local Power Company 57 
SPORTS-BLASTER DEPARTMENT 


Howard At Tie WMG Se Slee Sees 61 
PUMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE DEPARTMENT 

A MAD Look At Service Stations ..........0.000000000.... 64 
CRIB NOTES DEPARTMENT 

Distinctive Birth Announcements ....................0.0.. 72 


HYPOCRATIC OAFS DEPARTMENT 
“Miracle Center” (A MAD Television Show Satire) .75 


MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT 
“Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragonés i 


**Various Places Around The Magazine 


THE FAMILY THAT PREYS TOGETHER SLAYS TOGETHER DEPT. 















es Sh 
Hey, Gang! 
Tired of 
all the 
garbage 
they’re 
showing 
on motion 
picture 
screens 
lately? Al ih 
Well, ; i [-z iy 
here’s a eS ee a: ni |! , 
“Family” This is Don Vino Minestrone. Here’s Mama Minestrone, a This is Don Vino’s daughter, 
f Not too long ago, he was just typical lovable Sicilian Canny, and her bridegroom, 
filmfor poor immigrant from Sicily. housewife. It seems like Carly. Such a nice couple. 
achange! Now he’s a leading racketeer, only yesterday at another Everyone is saying that Don 
And now extortionist and killer. How wedding that Mama herself Vino is not really losing a 
h > did Don Vino get where he is said, “I do!” Come to think daughter. No, actually, in 
meet the = today? By putting his faith of it, that was the last this kind of Family, he'll 
“Family”: in The American Way of Life. time she opened her mouth. probably lose a Son-in-law. 


And so, with such a strange family and such weird children, 


THE ODD 


| ae 
They say he’s ae ate a Sorry! Er—they say he’s the | 
who is the biggest Hey, you! I’m with the Italian biggest Italian racketeer and |, 
ij} anybody in Mafia \ Anti-Defamation League! Don't you [ murderer in the country! 
(} organized the Odd leader in know you’re not supposed to use the 
’&) crime is here!| 4 Father! the country! word “MAFIA” in this picture!?! 


ZT 








This i is Sinny i elasteseia, 
the Don’s eldest son. He’s 
next in line, and it’s only 
a matter of time before he 
gets the Family business. 
That is, of course, unless 
a rival Family decides to 
give him the business first. 


This is the Don’s second 
son, Freako. He’s a sad, 
gentle soul. He cries at 
weddings and all kinds 
of Family crises. But he 
can also be a barrel of 
laughs. Just catch him 
at a funeral some time. 


This is Tim Haven, the 
Don’s adopted son. He’s 
shrewd and smart. All 
his life, he dreamed of 
being a criminal lawyer. 
But he only finished 
half of his education 
—the “criminal” part. 





And this is Micrin, 
the Don’s youngest 
son. He’s a college 
graduate, a veteran 
war hero, an honest 
law-abiding citizen 
—and a disgrace to 
the entire Family. 


it’s easy to see why Don Vino Minestrone is known as... 


I 5 | i IER Sires Rerun 
WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL 


_ ; 
9-2, iran! ©, Sie 


‘om ae a AME CS a 


What a fantastic make-up very simple! They yl I still Ts 5 
4 job they’ve done on 4 made him watch fH can’t (§ Mumble Marlin 
Marlin Brandow! How did |c his last four ee believe it’s|3 mumble Brandow, 
theyevergethimto [% movies, andhe / in || mumble all 
look so OLD? aged 20 years! humble right!! 


> ANSE SERGE IO) WE 
It’s 


A Brandow! 


.-IT 1S YouR 
HONOR TO INVITE 
ME TO YOUR 


DAUGHTER'S BRISS... 


You think it it’s S easy ests 
‘ see your little girl 

| grow up? You think it’s 
easy to give her away 

you happy to another man? You 
too? Why do fam think it’s easy to talk 

you look so wy with eight pounds of 
i ke cotton in your cheeks? 


Why aren’t 


But 
you 
talk 
like 
that 
WITHOUT 
cotton 
in your 
cheeks! 













a ; et pe J “a 
Boys, after this Right, 7] Right, Right, — > Get 
wedding, we gotta i kinda thought I’d ¥ outta § 
get right back to get a Law Degree y here! F 
business! There’s instead, marry this A You're 
money to extort, nice girl here, and not 





rackets to run 








Governor or Senator 


I’m worried about you, Micrin! You always 
gotta be different! Even as a little boy, 
you were different! When the brothers 

were stealing lunch money, you were doing 
homework! When they were out shaking down 
blind news dealers, you were helping little 
old ladies across the street! What happened 
to you, my son? Where did you go right?!? 


I’m sorry 
| turned 
out to 
be the 







And | lick 
your left 
shoe... 


Better! Well, so much 
for preliminaries! ... 


And ! grovel 
at your feet... | | 





by 


goontobecomea ja} my 
son! 





Now show some RESPECT! 












Here’s the schedule! Well, you can’t 
Haven, you muscle in Dad... marry her! 
on juke boxes and I'd like 
laundries! Freako, you to 


you blow up six bars 
that won’t pay pro- 
tection! And Sinny, 
you got a contract 
to blast five guys! 


meet the 
girl I’m 
going to 
marry— 


Because she’s 
a Protestant, 
and we’re good 
Catholics! 





Don Minestrone, | 
kneel and kiss 
your ring.. 


Okay, bring them 
in one at atime 
and have them pay 
their respectsto | 
the Odd Father...} 


This is Mr. 
! 5 Bongiorno... 


NRE, Hh 













Oh, dear and illustrious Odd 
Father, Manipulator of World 
Governments! Most exalted of 

































personages! Hallowed be Thy can ldo 
name! For Thine is the King- for you on two 
dom—and the Power—and the this holy |g) $4 @&* 
occasion? finks! 


| Glory... Forever! A—men!! 


N 


4 | 
iy TUM EMR EE BRE US inna ie 






DONE!! 


Oh, Don 
Minestrone! 
How can 
lever 
thank you? 





Huh? Is it morning, already? 
Hey, what are YOU doing in 
my bedroom? Oh-oh! Wh-what’s 
this | feel under the sheets? 





Please don’t try! 
Only swear to me on 


your Mother’s grave 
that when | ask 
YOU for a favor, 
you will grant it! 


There’s a great part 
in anew movie that 
| want very badly, 
but the Producer 
won't give it to me! 












im 


Haven, tell 


the Producer 


yop 












zy 


My Mother’s 
GRAVE?!? 
But, my 
Mother 
isn’t 
DEAD yet!! 














to give Mr. you, Odd 
Fonatra the Father! 
part, or I'll 

break his back! | | S$q-anta 







Oh, thank 


Lu-ucia! 


Oh, no! You—you 
wouldn’t DARE 
do that! I don’t 

BELIEVE it!! 

oN 








Just 


remember] 


that 
when | 
ask you 

fora 
favor! 


Haven, 
tell Mr. 
Fonatra 
to stop 
singing, or 
I’ll break 
his mouth! 


I can’t 
look! No, 


crawl 
out of 
here! 
Others 
are 
waiting! 


Pop, this 


is Ronnie 
Fonatra! 


Ronnie 


Fonatra 
says 
that you 
promised. 
hima 
Part in 


your new 


picture! 


| Number 27 
- Who's got | 
| Number 2? | 


Sa-anta 
Lu-ucia! 
Saan-ta 
Lu-ciiia! 


He’s lying! 
And it’s my 
word against 
his! So... 
what are 
you going 


todo 


about it? 


Oh, my God! You DID it! 
You—Wait a minute! Didn't 


you say a horse’s HEAD?!? 


miracle! What's 


A a 
miracle! | | Miracle, 


| have just 
met the 
only Italian 
in the 
world who 
can’t sing! 


Well, Mr. Woltz... we have three 
courses of action! We can take you 
to court, we can bring you up on 
charges at the Screen Actors Guild, 
or we can cut off your horse’s head 
and dump it in your bed some night! 





That's right! But on second thought, 
since you’re a Hollywood Producer, we 
thought this would be more appropriate! 





What could possibly happen to me here on 
Mulberry Street in New York? Could | be 
harmed by that cute Italian fish peddler? 

narcotics operation! | be walking By those sweet Italian kids, playing Hop- 
think there’s gonna the streets Scotch? By those nice Italian button men 


be bloodshed between like this, in their big black car... barreling down 
his Family and ours! on me at 80 miles an hour? OH-OH!! 


I've been worried about 
Plotzo ever since | Maybe you 
refused to bankroll his shouldn't 


toe om 
ate 
ena 


ef 
ah P 
SSL. 


He—he’s Natural | Hey, waita 
DEAD! Not exactiy! | think they WANTED to! But when causes?! minute! He’s| for you! He 
Did the they got within 50 feet of him, a mugger who was NOT dead |— It’s hard to tell! talks like 

hoods in stealing a woman’s purse ran into the path of a In New after all! He’s hurt so bad, | that when 
that big highjacked truck going the wrong way on a “‘One- York, He’s trying he’s talking he’s NOT @ 

black car Way” street which swerved into a drug pusher’s that’s to speak! through his nose! hurt, too! 

gun him stolen motorcycle, and they all fell on top of natural pameamenmateas i 

him! In other words, he died of natural causes! causes! 


res = 
se, ap. 
4, 
SS Nae 2 =™ 
a #2 
















He’s fighting for 



















Why I’ve heard | Thank God we 
don’t | ofthe | _ finally got Well, he’s retching! his life?!? 
| Mafia him into the Ral And he’s coughing! And 


they 
put him 

in the 
hospital? 


No, he’s fighting 


hospital! How 
for an “‘Oscar’’! 


he’s gasping for breath! 


| just got bad news! | 
And he’s moaning a lot! 


My Father is badly 
hurt! He’s been 
lying in the street 
for three days! 


keeping 

secrets, 
but that’s 
ridiculous! § 








reget ght, get 
OT tat Lely 


6 P 
4 
D4 A, Ae Sk 


It’s me! Micrin! 


Fine, Papa! I’m engaged to a swell 
girl, I’m tops in my class at Law 
School and in my spare time, | work 
for the American Cancer Society! 


Micrin, with Pop 
in the hospital, 
~| and this gang war 
| going on, we need 
you! It’s time 
you joined the 
Family business! 


But, Sinny! | 
have greater 
aspirations! 
I'm goingto (ie 
me be aGovernor i 
3) Ora Senator! } 


C’mon! This is no time to 
quit! This is an important 
job! What happened to him? 


epartconnness Ry, 


We been practicing all day 
and the poor kid fainted! 
He ain't had nothing to 
eat for three minutes! 


a long 
time 
for an 


H-How’'’ve you been, son? 


Pop, don’t 
start up 
again! | 

mean, just 
because 

| | believe 
- jin Lawand 
| Order... 


Listen, kid! If you wanna 


be a BIG-TIME CRIMINAL 


... like a Governor or a 
Senator, you gotta start 
at the bottom and work 
yourself up! And there's 


Throw some cold 
water and veal 
scallopine in 
his face, and 
get him over to 
Luigi’s Restau- 
rant! Plotzo is 


Italian! 





38 NE 
ail 


Papa, sometimes you get me so angry, it 
scares me! I’m scared that | won't be 
able to control myself! Because you know 
what | feel like doing right now? | feel 
like killing you! Isn’t that terrible?!? 
| feel like killing my OWN FATHER!! 


Get out 
of here: 
with 
your 
dirty 


mouth! 


Now your first job is to avenge 


Papa! We arrange a peace talk, 
and you meet Plotzo in Luigi’s 
Restaurant! You go to the Men’s 
Room and you pick up the gun 
that we’ve stashed there! Then 
you go back and you let Plotzo 
have it in the face! Cadenza, 
teach the kid how to shoot! 


You don’t have 
to teach me 
how to shoot! 


| I'm a war hero! 


All | need is a 

little brushing 

up with some 
target practice! 












Me?!? No, no! I’m 
not Plotzo, Mr. 
Nervous! | mean— 


So, anyway, the way | see 
it, Micrin...if your Family 
wants to stay healthy, you 

and Sinny better come in on 
this narcotics deal, and— 

Hey! What’s the matter with 

you? You look nervous! 











Well, what’s with 
you? Now, where 
are you going? 








boy’s 
gonna be 
all right 
after all! 
He’s gonna 
be ALL 
RIGHT! 





Okay! Cadenza, | 
take four of 
our boys and 
kidnap a few 
members of 
the Fazoola 
Family! We 
need some 
targets! 














ll be right 
back! | just 
gotta goto 
the Men’s 

Room to take 
a pistol— 





Got it!! Okay, now all | gotta do y SHRIEK!I! 
is remember what they taught me... [7 
Walk out calmly... go upto Plotzo AAAAHH! SHREIKI!! 
... shoot him twice inthe face... 
drop the gun... and leave! That’s SCREEEAMM! 
simple enough! Be calm. ..be cool § 
...and above all, DON’T PANIC!! J TAKE THAT, PLOTZO, YOU &¢%$* #! 


Whew! | almost blew it! Oh, boy, am | 
scared!.Now, where’s that gun? Where 
did they stash it? Maybe they left a 
message telling me where it’s hidden? \\ 
Oh, here’s something written on the 
wall! It says, ‘‘Here I sit, broken- 
hearted ...”’ No, that’s not it! 


=. ZN 








> 




























































What happened? Looks. 7 How did HE get it? Natural ‘| It'sgreatto (= SEE=I79 No, in the 
like he LAS a causes?! have you home |'| My little boy’s Where is he| | bathroom, 
shot a IUUULAEREALIE: again, Papa! first killing! now...in || waiting | 

correc yf everybody [il Crom ron ovesting ma  Inan And | got good {| I’m so proud of |] Sicily... |] _forhis 
came out | I the |'1 ‘too much scungilli, --| Italian news for your "|, him! Remind me: |_4‘weiting for ar-stomaen 

Shika 42 | veal parmigiana and +7| restaurant, Micrin took a a have his theheatto}| todie 

Men’s Room Ma 4 lasagna! In other that’s care of Plotzo! gun bronzed! die down? 
i _ words... he died of natural 


natural causes! causes! 





wt 


You rotten &¢%$! How can you serve me 
this lousy &¢%$# @! You know | wanted 
chicken tetrazzini, pepperoni, ravioli, 


What’s that, Canny?!? Carly beat you Wait! | got a better 
up again! That dirty &¢%$#! 1’ll kill idea! Serve hima 
him! Hold him till | get there! What? seven course Italian 
| don’t know HOW! Hit him over the meal! He won't be able 

head or tie him up or something! to move for five hours! 









| know!! 
... But 
for 
breakfast?! 









renee 





(00 





Why are we Don Minestrone suspects Carly is working for 
following Linguini, and may be setting Sinny up! So we 
Sinny...? gotta protect him and... Oh-oh!! TOO LATE!! 


Poor Sinny! Papa No, they were real Toll 


knew it would | You mean the Collectors! if Papa told 
happen to him one Don was right?!? | him once, he told him a 

of these days! Those were thousand times . . . Never 
Papa warned him Linguini’s men | go up to atoll booth 


so many times! in disguise?!? with a twenty dollar bill! 

















Instead, we must start Very good! 





































I’ve called this meeting Gentlemen, never before have so many Well, | say it’s MV ereaempil a 
of the heads of all the great and important people assembled time to get this =i roying those plain, Then let’s 
Families because my heart together in one room! Between us, we country moving oe pis again seal this 
is broken! My son, Sinny, control all of the nation’s gambling, again! This war ic. ike rea dae ie sacred 
is dead, and my boy, Micrin prostitution and narcotics traffic! must end! We must gee DUSinessmen: Agreed... : agreement 
| has been in exile in the In short... without US, this whole stop destroying in our 
bathroom for six months! country would come to a standstill! each other! usual way!, | 


Minestr f/f 


FAMILY 
TERRITON. Vf, 


Hey, that; | Don’t they 
Linguini | |makea nice 
can KiSS!} | couple!?! 


Don’t You only #@ Well, okay! 6. you gotta 
be shy! have to Butonly 7 promise 
It’s an kiss him! on ONE you won't |, 
old You don’t | condition! i 
Sicilian have to 
custom! 


eT ys No WONDER 
this outfit! | |\t’s a Sicilian they 

_| Why is Don | | gesture of lage 

| Minestrone | | friendship! gee ne 
kissing all He always | Odd 
the men? does it! || Father’! 





At last there is no more 
war between the Families, 
and now! can live toa 
ripe old age in peace! 

Wit 


Boys, with Don Minestrone ! 
dead, I’m taking over as 
head of all the Families! 












Of course | will chase you, 
Angie, my little Grandson! 
And then we will play some 
Mafia kiddie games like 
“Hide and Fink’. . . and 
“Cops and Good Guys”... 



















VAIN EN | 


The Odd Father 
is dead! He 
suffered a heart 
attack chasing 
little Angie! 





You know... many people may disapprove of the 
kind of life the Odd Father led! But... all 
in all... he was a kind man, a gentle soul, a 
good-hearted person anda decent human being! 


Did he say any last 
words before he died? | 
Nee 


‘| Yeah, he wants someone 
2 to lean on the KID!! 


He’s beginning 
to LOOK like 
the Odd Father! 


He— 
he’s even 
beginning 


And from now 
on, what I say 
goes! Do | 
make myself 
clear? 





And I've got 
plans... big 
plans! We’re 
gonna make 
millions! 


He IS the 
Odd Father! 


Now here’s what [ 
we’re going to 
do! We’re going 
‘legit’! We're 
going into 
BUSINESS! 


at business? 


Fa 








It—it’s He’s Now... let’s get 
Micrin 4 beginning F things straight! 
Minestrone! # toACT fJ | I’mincharge here! 
He’s back like the 
from the Odd \\ 
bathroom! Father! SS 


No, you idiots! 

We’re going to 

make a movie 
about US!! 


The Movie Business! 
We’re going to make 
a movie! A movie 
about the greatest 
Folk Heroes in 


s . 1 
American History! We're gonna make 


a movie about 
the MAFIA?!? 





we won't 
exactly 
refer to 
it as the 
Mafia! But 
it’ll be 
about US!! 


mumble 
mumble 
mumble 


Can’t you just see it now! 
Theater owners everywhere 
will show it... or ELSE!! 
Critics everywhere will 
love it... or ELSE! And 
people everywhere will be 
standing on lines, waiting 
to see it... or ELSE! 








like the 
Odd 
Father! 


Now, we’ lle. 
start the 
movie off 
at my 
sister 
Canny’s 
wedding! 
Then... 





GURLEY BOOKS DEPT. 





Nowadays, most magazines are not only struggling for advertising and circulation, but for 
survival. There is, however, one notable exception. It’s a zingy “Woman’s Magazine” called 
COSMOPOLITAN. If you want to know why this particular magazine is reaching new heights 
while others are floundering, it’s because a typical issue looks siapettay like this... 


\OPOLITAN 


Cosmo’s Guide To 
Forty Discount 
Abortionists 























Cook Him A Chinese Meal 
He’ll Never Forget. 
(Do It In The Nude!) 


, 7 101 New 
Fifteen Clever Things ) : 
To Say To YourLover — - : ery ene 
On A Water Bed : VE hiee 
Thirty New Kooky 
Zany Ways To Cheat How To 


Seduce 
A Midget 
How To Have 
A Swinging © 


| 

| 

| On Your Husband 
| 

| Menopause 


Yes, there’s no doubt about it. COSMOPOLITAN has become the “Female” PLAYBOY. Under 
Helen Gurley Brown, the magazine has gone to ridiculous lengths to be sexy, sensuous and 
titillating to its young woman audience. And it’s worked! Circulation has zoomed and the 
advertising dollars are pouring in. Which is why we at MAD can predict that it won’t be 
long before other types of publications will attempt to cash in on this success-formula 
by featuring articles with racy, suggestive titles. Here, then, is what we might see... 


PHOTOGRAPHS BY IRVING SCHILD WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN 


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DON MARTIN DEPT. PART | PART . 


ON MARTIN. 


PARTI —FEAST TIME FOR CAVEMAN COMMUNITY | 


> YARN “o : a, Feast Time occurred only once a year when the wild Skrakit Bird migrated across 
he i the land. Then, the Cavemen and boys would hunt the birds for a whole day .. . 











When they returned the following morning laden with birds, the The plucking took most of the second day, and 
women would be ready with pots of boiling water. = plucking... excitement over the upcoming feast ran high... 


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PART 11 — THE HUNGRY CAVE FAMILY AT ounEn aIneE 


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A BLESSING ON ALL YOUR HOUSES DEPT. 


And now, MAD—in its 
ceaseless campaign to 
antagonize everybody, 
regardless of race or 
creed—examines one of 
the most misunderstood 
areas of American Life, 
and makes the situation 
even worse—by offering 














SG O % © 
“is Mdlby : 
ON ine 


ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. 
WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL 





Chapter 1 
INTRODUCTION 





There are three main religious groups in America. The Jews do not believe that Christ is their Savior. 

They are called Catholics, Protestants, and Jews. Who do they believe He is? 

How are these three groups alike? They believe He is a nice Jewish boy 

They all worship God. Who went into his Father’s business. 

How are they different? So much for our first lesson in religion. 

The Catholics and Protestants believe in a Savior. Now you know why religion has been running for over 2000 years. 
His name is Jesus Christ. You also know why the Jews have been running for over 2000 years! 


17 


Chapter 2 
AN HISTORICAL NOTE 





At the turn of the century. Ze 7 
Where did the Catholics come from? 

Many came from Ireland MO 
Where the English were beating up on the Irish. wwe 
Where did the Jews come from? Sas 
Many came from Europe 

Where the Germans and Russians were beating up on the Jews. 
Where did the Protestants come from? 

They were always here. 

Beating up on the Indians! 


is) Gitte ge 
any worshipers came to America NY: sore 





Chapter 6 
THE PRIEST 


W* 
KR RY oe 
-° Ke. 







This is a Catholic Priest. 

His church believes in many things. 
It believes in the Holy Trinity. 

It believes in the Pope’s infallibility. 
It believes in miracles. 

The Priest helps Catholics in time of need. 
He helps them solve business problems, 
Even though he has never been in business. 
He helps them solve marriage problems, 
Even though hehas never been married. 
He helps them solve sexual problems, 
Even though he has never had sex. 

Now you know why the Catholic Church 
Believes in miracles! 


Chapter 3 
JUDAISM 





Judaism is the oldest of the three religions. 
It is broken down into three major groups: 
The first group observes ancient traditions to the letter. 
These are known as Orthodox Jews. 

The second group believes in combining ancient traditions 
With modern conditions. 

These are known as Conservative Jews. 

The third group hardly observes any traditions at all. 
These are known as Reform Jews. 

To the other two groups, 

Reform Jews have another name. 

They are known as “Christians”! 


Chapter 7 
THE RABBI 





He is spiritual leader of his temple. 
He is sad. 

Why is the Rabbi sad? : Fim 
Because an important Bar Mitzvah has been postponed. / Ne 
Why has it been postponed? 
The Rabbi is here. 

The Bar Mitzvah boy is here. 
The devout parents are here. 
The holy congregation is here. 
God is here. 

Well, then, why was the Bar Mitzvah postponed? 
Because the Caterer didn’t show up. 

How much suffering can Jews stand? 


Chapter 4 
CATHOLICISM 





The Catholic Church is an awesome institution. | 
It is the most unified of the major religions. 

Each Catholic parish has a leader. 

He is called a Priest. 

He has superiors over him. 

They are called Monsignors, Bishops and Cardinals. 
All of these are powerful, influential men. 

But there is one man 

Who is more powerful than all of them. 

He is the leader of all Catholics. 

He is the wisest of all Catholics. 

He is the most pious of all Catholics. 

He is called Danny Thomas! 


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Chapter 8 
THE MINISTER 









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This is a Baptist Minister. 
He is delivering a sermon. 
It is a very important sermon. 

It is all about non-religious people. 
He tells about people who worship idols. ~ 
He calls them Paganists. 






He calls them Agnostics. 

- He tells about the worst people of all. 
People who don’t believe there is a God. i), 
People who are threatening to destroy religion as we know it. 
He calls them Unitarians! 






Chapter 5 
PROTESTANTISM 





The Protestant Church is the largest church in America. 
It consists of many, many denominations. 

They all have one important thing in common. 

They all eat white bread and mayonnaise. 

Here are some of the denominations: 

Methodists, Presbyterians, 

Baptists, Lutherans, and Quakers. 

The Quakers are an interesting denomination. 

They believe in honesty. 

They do not believe in squandering money. 

They do not believe in waging war. 

There are 126,000 practicing Quakers in this country. 
President Nixon says he is a practicing Quaker. 

Make that 125,999! 





Chapter 9 
THE CATHOLIC FAMILY 


4, 


















This is a typical Catholic family. 
It consists of a husband, 

A wife, 

And 26 children. 

It is a very large family. 

Why do Catholics have such large families? 
It is because they do not believe in a 
Scientific birth control methods. 

They use another system 

It is called the Rhythm Method. 

Catholics are very conservative people. 

But sometimes they act a little off-beat! 





19 


Chapter 10. 
THE JEWISH FAMILY 









This is a Jewish Family. The son wants to go out to mail a letter. 













It observes the ancient laws The Jewish Mother says, 
Handed down by a powerful force “Wear your galoshes! 
Who rules from on high. They predict snow!” 
This force is known as a Jewish Mother. Now the son blows his cool. 
\ Her son lights up a cigarette. He screams, 
| The Jewish Mother says, “T can’t stand it anymore, Mom! 
\ i, “Don’t smoke! It’ll stunt your growth!” I’m going to jump off the highest bridge 
N\ | | The son wants to call up a girl for a date. And drown myself!” 
. The Jewish Mother says, The Jewish Mother says, 
i “You’ve got plenty of time for tramps! “Wait 30 minutes before you go in the water! 
First get your education!” You just ate!” 





Chapter 13 Chapter 14 
RELIGION IN THE SUBURBS THE RELIGIOUS WORD 














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See the three houses of worship. 


They are in the suburbs. See the congregation in church. i Vi 
See the far out, mod architecture. See the fire in their eyes. y ih 
Aren’t they wild? See the glow on their cheeks. a 
One is a Catholic Church. Sense the stirring in their hearts. 

One is a Protestant Church. Why are they so excited? 

One is a Jewish Temple. Because they have just received the Word. 


How can you tell one from the other? 
It is not easy. 
Would you like to guess which is which? 
Ha, ha, ha! 

You are having trouble. 

Okay, we'll give you a hint. And Salvation 

The one with the Christmas tree in front To the church-goer? 


Is the temple! The Word is “Bingo!” 


And when a church-goer receives the Word, 
He knows he has achieved Salvation. 


And what is the Word ey —~ 
That brings fire Sh 4 a 


And excitement 


Chapter 11 
THE PROTESTANT FAMILY 







This is a Protestant family. 
How nice and clean-cut they are. 

They look like Johnny Carson. 

All Protestants look like Johnny Carson. 
Including the women. 

Protestants are refined people. 

They are the bedrock of America. 

Many Protestants belong to country clubs. 
What do they do at their country clubs? 
They spend half their time / 
Keeping up with the Joneses, C Ae 
The Smiths P 
And the Browns. 

They spend the other half of their time 
Keeping out the Jews, 

The Catholics 

And the Blacks! 


Chapter 15 
THE DRIVE-IN CHURCH 


This is a Drive-In Church. 
All the families are in their cars, 
Praying. 

“Who is going to Heaven with our Savior?” 
Asks the minister over the loudspeaker. 
“IT am going to Heaven with our Savior,” 
Says Father in the front seat of his car. 
“T am going to Heaven with our Savior,” 
Says Mother, sitting next to him. 

“T am going to Heaven with our Savior,” 
Says Little Sister, sitting next to her. 
Where is Teenage Brother? 

He is going to Hell with himself : 
(In the back seat with his chick, ) ee 
Like he always does at Drive-Ins. oS. 
Well, three out of four ain’t bad! 





Chapter 12 
RELIGION IN THE CITY 








See the man. 
He is very religious. 

He has just been hit by a car. 
Quick, get this man to a hospital. 
Wait a minute! 

We have just found out something. 
He is a Christian Scientist. 

Quick, get this man to a reading room! 


Chapter 16 
RELIGION AND THE LAW 















See the business tycoon. 
He is very wealthy. 

He owns a baseball field 
And many apartment buildings 
And a diaper company. 
He is going to jail. 
Why is he going to jail? 
Because he didn’t pay his taxes. Y, r 
Everyone must pay taxes in this country. — 
Except organized religion. 

Why doesn’t organized religion pay taxes? | 
Because they own religious property. 
And Congress says religious property 
Is not taxable. 

What are some of the religious properti 
That organized religion owns? 
A baseball field, 

Many apartment buildings, 
And a diaper company. 

Is this fair? 

God only knows! 





21 


POST-WASTE DEPT. | . 8 ee ; | | 
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FUN CiTy POSTCARD aNnpD BAIL B 


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postman isn’t the only one on your block who has the fun of reading other people’s mail, here is a random sampling of . . . 


M MAD VACATIONERS 


WRITTEN BY: DICK DE BARTOLO & DON EPSTEIN 





















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Would you care to buy Three hundred thousand Who should My beneficiary? Then—then why I can't 
some Flight Insurance, _| dollars worth of Flight | put down Gee, | don’t know! do you want this resist a 


sir? You can getthree | (=-~{ Insurance for only ten as your | have no wife, kids, Flight Insurance? bargain! 
hundred thousand dollars dollars?! I'll take it! beneficiary? or living relatives! 
worth for only ten dollars! ’ 


, 






























Attention, all passengers! 
The stewardesses will now 
demonstrate how to put on 
your Life Jackets... 


‘We paid a fortune for our 
tickets, and you’d think 
that would be the end of 
it, right?! But no! Every 

little thing on a plane 
costs you, so be careful! 


Just a minute! Before you 
show us, tell us how 
much it will cost us! 






If they offer you a drink, 
it will cost you! If they 
offer you earphones for the 
movie, or just to listen to 
the music, it will cost you! 












Gee, I’ve got Marvin! We'll 
this nagging only be gone 
feeling that two weeks! 
l left the What will it 
lights on! cost? Pennies! 


Was it in the Marvin, what’s 
kitchen? The the difference! 
basement? I’m Electricity is 
positive | cheap! How much. 
left the lights could it cost? 
on somewhere! Almost nothing! 


Fé 


THAT’s gonna 
cost a LOT! 








Now, listen to me, Milton! The airlines have been plagued Okay! Okay! So | | What’s the movie... ? YOU'RE UNDER 
with hijackings and bomb threats, and they have no sense stop bugging me 


of humor about the subject! So, knowing you and your sick already! I'll just 
jokes, I’m warning you! It’s a serious business! Don’t make sit quietly and 


any funnies about it, or they'll arrest you on the spot! 





Yes, Ma’am! I don’t wont'to see I'm the 
You rang? you, Stewardess! Purser, 
What can! | want to see the Madam! 
do for you? Captain .. . and right May | 

help 
you...? 











ARREST!! 
“The Omega Man”! 


watch the movie! Oh, not THAT bomb! 


If | wanted to see I’m the Captain, | want you to be 
the Purser, I'd ask Madam! Is there a good boy and 
to see the Purser! something you want? DRIVE CAREFULLY! 
| want to see the 
Captain! You hear? 
ONLY the Captain! 


2 








Will you look at all these How could 
teenagers flying to Europe! that be? 





a3 


pe 















Simple! The airlines 
offer them special fares 
at cut-rate prices! 


They do?! 
That’s so 
stupid! 







Kids today have more 
money than anybody!! 












Hey, where you I met a girl You made a DATE with I'm taking her to DINNER and a MOVIE!! 
headed? | thought on this flight, her?! What are you going = = 

we were gonna and | madea to do with a girlona : 2 
play some cards! ‘date with her! date aboard an airplane? 


9 


Ze. 


| see you’re Yes, and You mean you Yep!... And TWENTY What’s Don't be 
reading “Europe; | I’m getting the first actually did dollars a NIGHT!! i that noise nervous! That's 
On Five Dollars time | Europe on five coming from just the flaps 


flew over! dollars a day?! ye : out there opening! We'll 
o~ be losing 


altitude now! 


I’m warning you, Are you Crazy?!? Hi, there, Mr. : Sure, Mister! Now Oh—uh— That will be forty 
Harry! Don’t try They’re not gonna Inspector! I’m let’s take a look that! I— dollars duty, plus 
to fool the Customs bother me! | look not smuggling at that watch you’re that is— a fine for violation 
Inspectors by wearing too honest! Besides, dope, and I’ve wearing! It seems heh-heh! of the Customs Laws! 
that expensive watch they’re looking got nothing to brand new... and 
you bought in Europe! for guys who are declare, so— very expensive! 
Just pay the duty! smuggling DOPE! 


| PATIENCE 
PLEASE 
A DRUG FREE 
AMERICA ||| 
COMES FIRST |” 
THANK YOU. | 

















I can’t! I’m 
stuck here— 
minding other 
people’s 
business! 


Arnold, why 
don’t you get 
up and stretch 
your legs for 
a while! 


Hey! It really works! 
Thanks, Mister! 









If you push that button 
there and lean back, 
your seat will recline! 


These seats Pardon me! | know 
are awful! it’s none of my 
They're so business, but | 

uncomfortable! couldn’t help 

They’re too overhearing 

straight! what you said! 















ms ATTENTION, PASSENGERS! THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN 
SPEAKING! WE ARE RUNNING INTO TURBULENCE! PLEASE \.] PASSENGERS SPEAKING! NEVER MIND US! |-~ 
R SEAT BELTS! iS YOUR SEAT BELT FASTENED?!? 


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NOW YOU CAN 







What’s Don’t be What’s What's That's just 
































































Don’t be 
that noise nervous! That’s that nervous! That’s that noise the roar of BE NERVOUS!! 
coming just the landing noise just the roar coming traffic on the 
from under gear dropping! coming of the reverse through Freeway! We'll 
We'll be touch- from the thrust! We’ll be the open be driving 





ing down now! stopping now! doorway? home in it! 




















| really hate flying in Boy, are you wrong! You 
these jumbo jets! They can see fantastic scenery! 

cruise so high, you §= aboard these jumbo jets! 
can’t see any scenery! re 


Well, that’s what you 
get for SMUGGLING... 






DOPE!! 

























They say that chewing 
gum relieves the pain! 
Here... have a piece! 


But 
it’s so 
annoying! 


This must be your 
first flight! It’s 
caused by the change 

of air pressure at 
this altitude! 


But how am | gonna 
get the chewing gum 
out of my ears? 


How do you 
feel now? 

































I've already checked in, 
gone to my room, unpacked 
my one suit from my 
one-suiter, changed... 


While you guys were going 
down to “Luggage Pick-Up,” 
- and waiting for your bags 
to come off the plane and 
onto the conveyor belts, | 
was on my way to the hotel! 


So you finally got here! |, 
told you guys to pack light! 
| told you to get a compact 
one-suiter like | did, take 
it on the plane with you, 
slip it under your seat, and 
take it off when you land! 


...and here | am— 
FRESH AS A DAISY! 








































Say... about an 
hour-and-a-half! 


However, due to the heavy 
peak hour traffic, there 
are several flights stacked 
up over Washington ahead of 
us, and there will be a 
slight delay in landing! 


Imagine! Only thirty-eight 
minutes to Washington, D.C.! 
That’s one of the miracles 
of progress! It used to take 
over TWO HOURS by train! 


This is your Captain! Welcome 
aboard Shuttle Flight 720! Our 
flying time to Washington, D.C. 
will be thirty-eight minutes! 


























Yeah! Those 
guys in Coach 


What idiots we are! For $150 more, we 
get one fancy meal! That same money 
could buy us SIX fantastic meals in the 
best restaurants in Madrid! 


| just got back from peeking 
™] through the curtain up front! 

| They’re getting free Champagne, 
caviar, wine and filet mignon! 


Those guys 
in First 
Class have 





































Well, here we are in $250 for $150 for taxis, You forgot about); | WHAT 
Paris! Now, remember! lunches sightseeing tours the other $500! $500?!7 poet 
Everything is figured and and incidentals! 






OUR LUGGAGE 
iS MISSING!! 


right to the penny! dinners! 


i 


And THAT'S IT!! 


Leet 


DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II 


THE ENTERPRISING YOUNG AMAZON 


Listen to me, Dad! Business is just not going to pick 
up! People aren't interested in shrunken heads anymore! 
There’s nothing you can DO with them! Hang them on the 

wall for decoration . .. and THAT’S IT!! 










We've got to come up with another use for shrunken 
heads, Dad... a NEW gimmick that people will go fori 
And I've got just the thing right here... 









“ls OWS 


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HMAC YAUIQITEE EPP ts 
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I tell ya, Dad .. . it can’t MISS!! 












(Ar a NH | 
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INV 


SPLITTING HEADACHES DEPT. 


You Know Youre REALLY 


YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY DIVORCED WHEN ... YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY DIVORCED WHEN... 

















... you're watching a football game on TV and listening ... you can spend as much time as you want with your old 

to a hockey game on the radio while you’re reading the buddies, whom your ex-wife always referred to as a bunch of 

Sports section . .. and nobody’s yelling at you. good-for-nothing idiots . .. and you find out she was right. 
YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY 
DIVORCED WHEN... DIVORCED WHEN... DIVORCED WHEN... 

my, OE ees 
\/ | Pare CS 
> 
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... you gather all your courage and join ... you invite your new boyfriend over to 
a computer dating service . .. and they send meet your children .. . and they won’t ... you start touching up 
you only one name... your ex-husband’s! come down from the roof. those gray hairs. 
YOU KNOW YOURE REALLY DIVORCED WHEN ... YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY DIVORCED WHEN... 
Li = SE Se - 





ae ic 





WIE 





... you let your dog sleep in your bed because you ... your ex-wife’s lawyer calls you in to discuss your 
discover you miss the sound of somebody snoring. alimony payments... and you wish he were your lawyer. 











DIVORC D Wh Nn ToD aoLs 
LLOYD GOLA 
é e 2e8 


YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY 
DIVORCED WHEN... DIVORCED WHEN ... DIVORCED WHEN ... 


oe 
yi Ol (a 


o.0 O10 0 0 9 6 





... you're finally free to do all the 


things you’ve always wanted todo... ... you miss a movie you really want to 
but now you can’t afford it. ... you fix a leaky faucet all by yourself. see because you can’t stand to go alone. 
YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY 
DIVORCED WHEN ... DIVORCED WHEN... 





..- you've run out of ideas of things to do with your ... you Consent to let your married friends fix 

kids on visitation days, and you’ve gone to the zoo so you up on a blind date with their dear, sweet 

often you’re on a first-name basis with all the animals. bachelor pal . . . for the first (and last) time. 
YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY DIVORCED WHEN... YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY DIVORCED WHEN ... 





... you're propositioned on your first date as a divorcee. ... you date a widow. 


ee 
— a 


‘Em 


ick 


! These Are The 


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ELECTION YEAR 


We've Stuck You With! 


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CROOKED |i ro cow). | VOTE FOR 
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SJUCR ERE E SADE EATC ENTE Ee LHRH ERE EEE OD ee Reet eee eet eee ew ET Se TE ET TATED PHT THRE HEED 


LBD Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications, Inc. 


eeueeuweereree ee 


ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED 
OF POLITICAL LEADERS 
WHO CAN'T WALK AND CHEW 
GUM AT THE SAME TIME? 


ELECT 
HENRY 
BENRY 








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ite ELWOOD PLEEBIS 
 THISYEAR Urs, Naren ty ae 
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But Mo Fair Peeking! 






SAM “TINY” McPHERSON 


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PRP Hw RHEE OO Ce OER he ee 


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JLB Copyright © 2006 by E.C. Publications, Inc. 


FIELD GOLD DEPT. 


suai: Bel ne soe aul ag has a Trade Magazine devoted to itself. This magazine 
faa a, - what’s going on in the Industry, and all the wonderful things 
Sale as n nappening to Its big-shots and employees. Today, one of Ameri : 
tie eng gaede = aap called “Professional Football.” How can a earnmee 
Ss, ¢ For the answer, all you have t i i 
MAD version of Professional Football’s own Trade “tae pdiiperresrtelihor ok ah 


0... FOOTBALL NEWS 


50 Cents in USA jail 








The Magazine Of, About, and For the Business of Professional Football (75¢ elsewhere except | 
November, 1972 __ sarin dponios 
















12 Sure-Fire Ways 
o Humiliate Your 
Quarterback at 
Contract Time 


Is Soccer a 
New Communist 
Threat to 
America? 


SOIDIOS 
40 Breakable 
- Souvenirs You Can 
Sell In Your 
Stadium 


SOSOSOS 
EXCLUSIVE! 
25 Reasons Why 
The Baseball 
Season Should 
be Shortened 


Is College Football 
On TV Necessary? 


or That Matter, 
a Is 

| COLLEGE FOOTBALL 
l, Necessary? 


SOSOSOS 


SALTED HOTDOGS ae < : s 
~ The New Way to L NAMATH VS. TARKENTON 
. Who Has the Better Business Manager? 


- Boost Stadium ; ian 
Beer Sales! . Follow the Deal by Deal Statistics 
_ ARTIST: JACK DAVIS on Page 83 

WRITER: FRANE JACOBS 8 
























EDITORIAL 
What Price Artificial Turf? 


Anti-pro football forces continue to blast the use 
of artificial turf. These extremists scream, bleat and 
moan that playing on the new surface is dangerous 
to players. They complain that running backs slip 
on the fake turf and suffer injuries. 

We at PROtitable FOOTBALL NEWS DENY THIS! 

First of all, since pro football has practically 
wiped out the running game, it makes no difference 
if a back slips or doesn’t slip. He’s going to make 3 
yards at best. Secondly, if a player is careless enough 
to want to sustain an injury, he’s going to get hurt 
no matter where he’s playing. 

Actually, artificial turf protects the health of play- 
ers by keeping them away from natural grass, which 
is sprayed with toxic chemicals which, as any ecolo- 
gist will tell you, can cause fatal diseases, heart 
seizures, acne, and worse! 

The truth is that professional football is being in- 
filtrated by more and more irresponsible, injury- 
prone players. Their self-inflicted mishaps delay the 
game, causing awkward scenes on the field that do 
not improve the Pro-Football Image. 

Therefore, the next time you see an injury, re- 
member—Artificial turf doesn’t destroy knees. 

Men do! 


PEN SALUTES 


Each issue, the editors select the executive, official, or 
player who best examplifies pro football’s creed— 


“Tt isn’t that you won or lost, 
but how you milked the game.” 


This month: Ronnie Bushwater, Flanker 


“hs 





FLIGHT OF 
ANCY TRAVEL 
AGENCY 


Came into his own in 1968, taking away hallowed Gillette 
Foamy Commercial from all-pro Hank Fishman. Endeared 
himself to NFL front office, 1970, by re-naming his twin sons 
Pete and Rozelle. Refused to give credit to his blockers 
after 98-yard runback, 1971, thereby becoming a hot “con- 
troversial star” and netting guest shots on Carson, Cavitt, 
and Frost in same week. Outside interests: Co-owner of 
Flights of Fancy Travel Agency, imaginative new company 
that filled three planes in Chicago for charter flight to Mi- 
ami for Super Bowl, 1972, which was held in New Orleans. 





SMP LOS PEE 
; ra Ds 2 a he E 
LEP IESG tf coe - 
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by Zink Prattle 





That exciting trade between the Rams and Cowboys 
looks ver-r-ry much alive, with L.A. exchanging Head 
Accountant Sid Grundelman for two Dallas vice-presi- 
dents, a used adding machine and an eighth-round draft 
choice ... Colt Lineman Flake Farley is putting the final 
touches on his football expose, ‘‘Twisted Jock.” Not bad, 
Flake, considering you played all of six minutes last sea- 
son .. . HOLD YOUR HELMETS DEPT:.: The Jets are 
suing the nation’s airlines for $50 million. The club 
claims it used the word first. Look to the New Orleans 
Saints to follow suit with the Catholic Church... 
Basketball stinks! 
* *k O* 

NICE GUY DEPT.: Dolphin Middle Guard Elmo Heef’ 
passing up a $2,000 stipend in order to tour the kiddies 
ward at Mercy Hospital. Elmo entertained the waifs 
practically gratis, charging the hospital only a $1,500 
“expenses” fee ... Front offices are complaining about 
players doing free TV spots knocking drugs. Seems 
there’s a pile of money waiting if the jocks will take a 
stand the other way .. . Baseball stinks! 


* * * 





oo 


YOU KNOW WHO DEPT: That placekicker who made 
that game-winning field goal is in de-e-e-p trouble. The 
bookies’ point-spread was 4; the kick made it 5. 

* ok O* 
TOUGH LUCK DEPT.: Patriots Running Back Waldo 
Fernleaf, who has been netting $35 a lock selling hunks 
of his hair, is going bald . . . Check your local A & P and 
Safeway stores for Viking Flanker Ed Freen’s new line 
of sandwich spreads. Each package bears a photo of Ed 
naked. Nifty way to attract the young homemakers .. . 
Lacrosse Stinks! 

se 
RUMOR MILL DEPT.: The FCC may step in to reduce 
the number of commercials in TV games. The Feds claim 
it’s to protect the fan. I'd like to know what business it 
is of the fan!? I think we should be protected from the 
FCC! ... Ed Zwilch of the Lions continues to fink on his 
teammates by telling the front office which players are 
breaking curfew. But you can’t really blame Ed. He gets 
a percentage of the fines . . . Golf stinks! 

*  & 
Bengal Tackle Zeke Schmiltz had a rough night recently 
when he was photographed in a motel room with a fe- 
male admirer. Zeke’s wife blew her stack. Seems that 
Zeke, who has a juicy contract endorsing Jockey briefs, 
was snapped wearing shorts by Hanes... Heard around 
the locker rooms—“What good is health if you don’t have 
the money?” . .. Pity the Chargers: After getting a bonus 
check for 100 grand, their No. 1 draft choice, Rip Snurd, 
opted to play in Canada. Seems Rip was Uncle Sam’s 
No. 1 draft choice, too . . . Ping-pong stinks! 


PRO FOOTBALL IN THE NEWS 


PACKERS UNVEIL HALF-TIME MONEY-MAKER RECORD PRESS COVERAGE 
0 SRR 2 era RIES FOR CONTRACT SIGNING 


ee 








ORDERS PERI WIR ZS ARE MB RSI EN ON 
a 


Be 
= 


3 


Bs 


That profit-minded Green Bay front office is netting $5,000 per 
home game selling half-time band formations to sponsors. Upcom- 
ing formations will spell out “GILLETTE,” “ALKA SELTZER” and 
“FORD PINTO.” Plans to spell out “AMERICAN EXPRESS TRAVELERS 
CHECKS” have fizzled since sponsor refused to pick up tab for 


a new stadium large enough to hold the intricate band formation. While Viking brass smile, No. 1 draft choice, 


quarterback Vince Zwycklmz signs record bonus 
pact for $3 million. Event made front pages 


CONGRESSMAN MEETS across the nation and drew coast-to-coast TV 


coverage. Actually, Zwycklmz signed for the 

OWNER’S ASSOCIATION VP minimum NFL $15,000 yearly salary (meals not 
included) and will get $3 million only if he 

scores 100 points in a season, which may be 
difficult since the Vikings’ strategists  in- 
tend to convert him into a defensive tackle. 


Rep. Otis Vreech, who last year threatened oo Es m \ 

to start anti-trust proceedings against NASA bigwig Morton Aukblight, shown here watching a 
pro football, hears the owner’s side of the Dolphins-Oilers game from a plush box seat on the 50 
story from Owner's Association vice-presi- yard line, has agreed to fully cooperate with the NFL 
dent Wanda Flesch, hired by the group after in the never ending battle for TV time. From now on, 
she reached the semi-finals in this year’s all space probes will be launched at 2 a.m., in order 
Miss Universe Contest. After their private not to conflict with network coverage of pro football. 
confab, Rep. Vreech announced that his com- Aukblight feels that the additional cost to taxpayers 
mittee would move forthwith to table the of over two billion dollars is a very small price to 


anti-trust action ‘until hell freezes over.” pay for the preservation of the new National Pastime. a 


PRO sitavre FOOTBALL NEWS 





+ 





Vn 
SOT d Y 
a} 


Ss 


Looking for a ‘‘name” speaker for 
civic luncheons, but unable to afford 
a Big Shot's fee? We can furnish such 
celebs as Larry Czonka’s grocer, George 
Blanda’s veterinarian, Terry Brad- 
shaw’s 5th-grade teacher. Send for list 
of more than 300. Write Box BS, 
PROfitable Football News. 


Offensive guard Morris Pomerantz 
having rejected my aid and council, 
I am not responsible for his recent 
signing of a nothing contract with 
the Buffalo Bills. Otto Lumbar, busi- 
ness agent. 


Players! Fed up with snide cracks by 
TV sportscasters? Up to here with 
put-downs by sportswriters? Turn 
your outrage into a neat hunk of cash 
by writing me today. Libel and 
slander lawsuits my specialty. Jack Al- 
bert, attorney at law. 


Help Wanted. Several dozen experi- 
enced strong-arm thugs needed to 
bust heads of: officers of proposed 
players’ union. Contact commission- 
er’s office. 


Will trade highly rated lineman 
whose smart-ass business manager is 
making him hold out for a fortune in 
exchange for two dumb rookies and 
a reasonably good-looking blonde re- 
ceptionist. Inquire front office, Atlanta 
Falcons. 


“Baseball Causes Cancer!” "Pro Foot- 
ball: Makes One Holy!’ Brighten up 
your flashing scoreboard with these 
and 98 other messages of warmth and 
inspiration. For complete list send 
$25 to Pro-Proganda, Dayton, Ohio. 


Ghostwriters wanted. The ‘Sensa- 
tional” Book Division of this maga- 
zine is looking for writers with new 
slants for quickie biogs of NFL play- 
ers. Writing experience, knowledge 
of grammar, belief in truth not essen- 
tial. Box X, PROfitable Football 
News. 


Attention all TV stations who show 
pro football games and are annoyed 
by competition on other channels. 
Our experienced electronic techni- 
cians are trained to jam reception on 
all competing channels, thereby giv- 
ing you complete monopoly in your 
viewing area. Will even blow up 
transmission towers, if mecessary. 
Write Snuff-Out, Inc. NYC. 


SHOPPING MART 






HOWARD COSELL TALKING ALARM CLOCK. 
Just set the dial. In the morning the mouth flies 
open and the voice of Howard Cosell is heard 
second-guessing Daryle Lamonica. A perfect 
gift for hard-to-awaken pro grid fan sleepers. 


Cost to you: Suggested 
$10 Retail Price: 
per 100 $14.95 ea. 


CLOCK SCHLOCKERS 
Verbose, California 





LIFE-SIZE PLAYER DOLL! Imagine Joe Namath 
or Dick Butkus right in your own living room! 
Idol-worshipping fans will delight at the pros- 
pect, and their “football widows” won’t mind 
looking at these life-size backs and linemen, 
replete with bulging biceps, beefy necks, and 
aggressive leers either! Life-like thin plastic 
punctures easily, insuring many repeat orders! 





Cost to you: Suggested 
$10 Retail Price: 
per 100 $14.95 ea. 


INFLATION PRODUCTS 
Expulsion, Illinois 





“GREENIES” That’s right! The same pills the 
players take. Now the football fanatic can be 
“up” for the game just like his favorite player. 


Cost to Suggested 
you: 15¢ Retail Price: 
per bottle THE $2.50 per 
of 50 bottle of 50 


THE DOWNER CORPORATION 
Gulp, New Mexico 


Sure-Fire Money-Making NFL Gift Items 





kiddies, designed to make them grow up into 
heavy pro-football bettors, just like their daddies. 
One player is the bookie and sets the point- 
spread. Other players bet to beat him. Wild 
cards mean game is fixed. 


Cost to you: Suggested 
$100 Retail Price: 
per gross $5.95 ea. 


LOU THE LEBANESE 
Las Vegas, Nevada 





gifty aimed at reminding fans of pro football’s 
annual classic each day of their lives. Fluorescent 
lettering glows in the dark when nature calls in 
the middle of the night. 


Cost to you: Suggested 
$5.00 Retail Price: 
per 100 $1 ea. 


THE BOWL GAME 
Flushing, N.Y. 





EMBROIDERED FOOTBALL SAMPLER. A folksy 
wall memento framed and ready to hang up. 
Other samplers: “Blitz For Jesus”, ‘On The 7th 
Day God Played’’. Inspirational messages for 
the Middle American NFL fan and members of 
his immediate family. 


Cost to you: Suggested 
$25 Retail Price: 
per 1000 $5 ea, 


HOLY MOLEY 
Shazam, Arizona 


PRO FOOTBALL NEWS 
INTERVIEWS TEAM OWNER 


CYRUS WILTFANG 


Pro Football Biz-Whiz Of The Month 


PRO FOOTBALL NEWS: Mr. Wiltfang, as owner of the 
Cheyenne Geldings, you’ve earned a reputation as a 
money-maker. 

WILTFANG: That’s right. I get a salary of 200-thou a 
year, plus stock options, warranties and a 40 per-cent 
kickback on beer sales in the stadium. 

PFN: We don’t mean as a money-maker for yourself. We 
mean as a money maker for your team. 

WILTFANG: There’s a difference? 

PFN: For instance, weren’t you the first to turn a harness- 
racing track into a football stadium? 

WILTFANG: Right you are. No sense to build from 
scratch when you've got a nifty little grandstand right 
at your disposal. 

PFN: Was there any problem getting use of the track? 
WILTFANG: None whatsoever. I leased it for life from 
its owners, the Wiltfang Corporation. 

PFN: You mean you leased it from yourself? 
WILTFANG: Mercy, no. That would be illegal. The Wilt- 
fang Corporation is not owned by me—it’s owned by my 
4-year-old son, Chauncey. 

PFN: We understand the grandstand seated only 5,000 
people when you leased it. 

WILTFANG: Right again. I added on 30,000 seats above 


the paddock. The plywood’s a little rickety, but you know 
football fans! They'll pay $12 a ticket even it they have 
to sit on a horse trough. 
PFN: That’s just an expression, of course. 
WILTFANG: No, that’s where 700 of ’em are sitting. 
Naturally, they have to get up at race-time. 
PFN: You have harness-racing during football games? 
WILTFANG: No sense giving up a proven source of rev- 
enue. Besides, it gives the fans something to watch when 
the game gets boring, which it often is. 
PFN: Your players must find it odd to play football here. 
WILTFANG: It’s true they have to watch where they step 
when they run out of bounds, but, between you and mie, 
the manure they pick up helps the grass grow on the field. 
PFN: Let’s get back to football. What kind of a season do 
you think you'll have this year? ? 
WILTFANG:. With a little luck we'll finish first in our 
division. 
PFN: That’s quite an optimistic prediction, considering you 
have to play the Vikings, Cowboys and Dolphins. 
WILTFANG: Oh, I’m not talking about the standings. I'm 
talking about the profits from ticket sales, concessions and 
TV rights. And who cares about such trivial matters, when 
(Continued on page 83) 





“You know my record against players 
gambling. Professional football must not 
in any way become involved with gam- 
bling. Recently I caught one of our line- 
men at the blackjack table at one of the 
casinos I’ve got a piece of in Las Vegas. I 
fined him $1000 on the spot. I took it out 
in chips...he was winning at the time!” 


“All this nonsense about the need for a 
player's union is pure hogwash. The big 
trouble with players today is they’re 
spoiled. They don’t know their place. You 
gotta break their spirit once in a while so 
they know who’s master. That’s why I don’t 
buy any troublemakers when I go to the 
auction block.” 


“People have the wrong impression about 
professional sports today. They think it’s 
all gravy, everything rolling in and nothing 
rolling out. That's more nonsense. Sure, 
there’s a profit motive, but that’s what 
makes it fun—the challenge. That’s why I 
wouldn’t sell my little goldmine for fifty 
million dollars! ” 


37 


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DEAR MONEY AND DADDY DEPT. 





For generations, college students have been struggling with the problem of writing home for extra money 
and coming up with the same general results: failure. Now, MAD has developed a foolproof formula for 
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Emly Dickinson Fall 


































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HOME FOR MONEY 


WRITER: TOM KOCH 



















Dear Father: 
Realizing the time pressure of your 
legal practice, I regret the ae for 
further correspondence regarding the 
groovy $85 jacket I wrote about recently. 
However, in denying my appeal sc funds, 
you have stated that "the very idea of a 









Dear Folks: 


I was delighted 
wrathne to sell 
retirement home lots" 
Estates development. I 
800d news to report: 


to hear that 


Da i 
off the last rinally 


‘ t of those 60 
in his Everglades 
too, have some 


















Now for 
5 is unprecedented." "cheat EIMITED TIME ONLY 
jacket being worth $8 Participate in America's fey’ eoniae 
In rebuttal, I wish to cite as my eats RECREATION Boow 
. @ unhear 
precedent the case of TENNESSEE vs only $179. d of low, low price of 


: 95! Yes fo) 
friends. A mere gi79 oS 
take to finance 


FOR AN ENTIRE SEMESTER! 
Now think of it! $ 
Just $17 
FOR EVERYTHING for your rn ee 
raternity house seas 


where nei i 
Students are demanding $500--g4ane 


--even $500 from their Parents! 


MUHLFORD (Vol. 38, Tenn. Cir. Pangea pg. 
847). In this criminal presere one 
Virgil I. Muhlford was convicted = a 
grand theft felony count for stealing a 
jacket valued at $110 from 4 Chattanooga 
men's shop on or about May ll, 1967. 






is all it wil 
MY Social activities ; 















True, the verdict was reversed on 
appeal (see MUHLFORD vs. TENNESSEE, Vol. 
42, Tenn. Sup. Court, Pg: 306), but even 
then, the case was dismissed solely 
uhlford was innocent; not because 


to take f 
this great OPPORTUNTTY ~~ 

































because M 


NEVER be 1] 
-priced at $110. ACT NOW! Mail that —, ower. So... 
the jacket had been over-P TODAY | ident that check for $179.95 







"ll be glad you did. 
Therefore, I allege that $85 would 

constitute a proper settlement in the 

matter now under consideration, ane trust 

that your check in that amount will be 






Fondly, 


(pret. 










forthcoming immediately. 
Yours very truly, 


Sonny — 








Deah Big Daddy .. . | do declare that y’all were sure 
nuff right in wawnin’ me this Nawthuhn college 
wouldn’t be nuthin’ but a hotbed of pointy headed 
radicals. | sweah, a propah-bred young Suthuhn lady 
like me nevah heard tell of such goin’s on. They got 
Nigras in most all my classes, includin’ some of ’em 
men. And | declare, nobody seems to think a thing 
about it. I’d truly admire to fly a Confederate flag 
out my dawmitawry windah so’s none of them Nigra men 
would dare come round. And Lawd knows, I’d love to be 
passin’ out Wallace buttons to all the tacky, 
misguided white trash that’s heah. Of cawse, it’d 
take maybe thuty or fawty dollahs to alert everybody 
to the menace befaw it’s too Jate. And it just makes 
me downright sick | can’t affawd to do it. So! 
guess I’ll just have to stand aside and watch all 
our hallowed traditions die. Your devoted dawtah... 
TT % Annabelle Maudie Lou 







































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Rudy 














SON LATEST SPEED 


PUBLISHER'S 


TRAP VICTIM 


Le 






Champaign, Ill., Oct. 14 -- Rudolph C- 
ynittleby, 80D of the editor and publisher 
of the Weekly Ag@vocate, today became the 
latest victim of the notorious speed trap 
set up bY police jin this city. 

The clean cut young student 
for allegedly driving 67 miles an hour on a 
deserted suburban street where & 30-mile 
Limit had been maliciously posted. Police 
denied that Whittleby was singled out for 
hafrassment because of his father's well- 
known, courageous editorial stand on pehalf 
of justice and fair play. However, arresting 
officers admitted that the $45 fine levied f 
for the minor infraction was "somewhat high". 

ge yédud/ youth indicated that he lacked 
funds to buy his way out of the bum Traps but 
he expressed hope that relatives would come. 
to his aid rather than let him g° to jail 
and rot. : 












was ticketed 

















@50— 





NORMAN C. UNDERSHAW DA® 


REGISTERED STUDENT 
Michigan State University 


Doctor & Mrs. W. W. Undershaw 


Saginaw , Mich. 
Dear parents: 


As you will note from the enclosed statement, you 
are now peing pilled an additional g25 per month 


for Social Involvement Experimentation, 
Making Out. 


it is not possible to explain 

simple terms which the adult can 
I'm sure you are aware that 
like every~ 


unfortunately, 
these items in 
understand. However » 
the cost of first-rate adolescence» 
thing else, has increased greatly. 


Also, i am certain that you wish to continue to 
be provided with the most experienced offspring 


that money can buy- 


Therefore, please remit at your earliest conven- 
gence. If you have any questions regarding this 
matter, feel free to call and discuss them with 
my answering service. 
Very sincerely yours, 


Venn C- 


25 Oct. 1 
® 972 
Bri 0830 Hours 


a ar ; 
Washington Do y L. Frobisher 


Now hear this! 


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Cobb your office gine world, it peel effort 
appropriation oon : supplemental ward.” 
ce. ward- 


R 
=, submitted 


Z.L. Frobisher LUE : 








Wudualew KS 


DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Ill 


ONE BUSY DAY IN A HIGHWAY RESTAURANT 


Cold pig on a green sea! Dust | se | : oe Cold pig on a green sea! Dust | . 
the roof, and hold the pom-pom! the roof, and hold the pom-pom! 










American Charlie with red pants! | 
Burn fifty, and no name-tag! 


American Charlie with red pants! 
Burn fifty, and no name-tag! 
















PAE 
<> B | 
REGED = Em ag ee be 
2 A OF — a 







~ | Where’s the men’s room, Mac! 


Wheres’ the men’s room, Mac? }* = 
Gotta go, and no foolin’! 


Gotta go, and no foolin’! 








FOCUS-POCUS DEPT. 





If you’re a “TV Late Show” film buff, you’re probably aware of the important 
roles certain “props” played in old movies. In fact, some of these “props” 





MONSTER MOVIE TORCH 


Always used by hunchback-assistant to 
antagonize monster . . . and always used 
again later on by villagers to track 
down monster-murderer of hunchback- 


assistant and other assorted victims. 


NOBLE PILOT WRENCH 


Test pilots Tom and Jim both love Sue. 
One of them has to test the dangerous 
X-14. Jim, convinced that Sue loves 
Tom, pretends to let him take up the 
X-14. But when Tom looks up to check 
the weather, Jim hits him on the head 
with the prop wrench, takes the X-14 
up himself, and is never seen again. 
46 





HOW” 


A MAD GUID 


CLICH 


CATHEDRAL RADIO 





Device used to interrupt love scenes 
... and engagements .. . with announce- 
ment that the Japanese have attacked 


Pearl Harbor. Hero and heroine defer 


BROKEN AMULET NECKLACE 





Handsome Arab beggar boy defies death 
by scaling wall of Caliph’s palace in 
wild attempt to reach Princess who he 
loves. Evading guards, he finally gets 
to her, only to discover . . . by fitting 
together their broken amulet necklaces 
. . . that they are brother and sister! 
Love affair is over before it begins. 


BY 
EN 
tt 








marriage plans until the world can be 
made a better place to live. At film’s 
end, they are reunited in Guadalcanal 
—he’s a Navy pilot and she’s a nurse. 


TRAGEDY-IDENTIFYING LIFE PRESERVER 






Used several ways for dramatic effect. 
For example, we see a wreckage-strewn 
oily, sea. Prop life-preserver floats 
by. It says ... “Lusitania”! Or we see 
a young honeymoon couple smooching on 
deck. They move off, revealing ship’s 
name on prop life-preserver. The poor 
kids! They’re sailing on the “Titanic”! 
















6 





En ae 
33 


were used so often, they actually achieved “cliché” status. For t ose of you 
who don’t know what in heck we’re talking about, we now present this article: 


E TO “TV LATE 
MOVIE PROPS 


SUSPENSION MICROPHONE THIS-WILL-MAKE-YOU-TALK TIN CUPS, TIN PLATES AND UTENSILS 
: HYPODERMIC NEEDLE : a 4 ve 





vd 


ARTIST: 
ANGELO TORRES 
WRITER: 

PAUL PETER PORGES 
















2 


Used effectively by the Announcer at After brutal torture has failed, the Invariably used by inmates in Prison 


the ballpark to tell the little boy sadistic Nazi officer has one method pictures to bang on mess hall tables 
with the fatal illness who’s lying in left to make Allied undercover agent and clang across cell bars to register 
the hospital, holding the autographed reveal location of Gen. Eisenhower’s their dissatisfaction with the lousy 
baseball, that the Slugger has hit one headquarters and the time, place and food, the indifferent Warden, the 
over the fence just for him—bringing size of upcoming invasion of Europe: cruel guards, the intolerable working 
on a sudden miracle cure for the boy. the injection of — gasp — truth serum! conditions, and the impossible script. 


Soon sais 


BAIL OF NEWSPAPERS SMALL TOWN TRAFFIC CONTROLLER 









This prop is invariably dropped from a killer he’d helped convict (who swore Humorous romantic prop used in family 
truck at the feet of our hero who, as_ revenge) has escaped from prison, or comedies so Andy could stop his jalopy 


the newsstand dealer cuts the string, (2) the girl he was with last night is and kiss Polly while sign changed from 
learns by the headlines that (1) the | dead, and he’s wanted for her murder! stop to go to stop to go to stop to— 


RE-BREATHING BAG — EXTENSION TELEPHONE 











In in helping lay — the adrenalin!” If 


valuable movie fans injection works, Usually grabbed by Old Timer in green 
follow the progress of an operation. bag will resume expansion and contrac- eyeshade who calls ahead and stops the 
Everything is going along fine while tion. If bag-remains deflated, Surgeon “Cannonball Express” from crossing the 
bag expands and contracts regularly. will snap off rubber gloves and throw dynamited trestle. Sometimes grabbed 
Any faltering or collapse is signal them to the floor in disgust while the by hotshot City Editor who yells, ‘Stop 
for Surgeon to whisper, “Quick, Nurse Nurse solemnly pulls a sheet over body. the press! We’re re-making Page One!” 


SLIDING BEER GLASS 









It’s a sure bet that at some point in 
the big Broadway Star’s career, she'll 
reach that low point when she'll look 
at herself in the mirror, filled with 
self-contempt and loathing, and fling 
her whisky glass at her reflection 





Se Wee en S600 seep 


smashing the mirror into smithereens. A favorite prop of Western movies for always slides 30 feet down bar .and 
However, like mirror, her life will be bringing the noisy festivities in the comes to rest right in front of tall 
almost impossible to put back together. saloon to a dead stop, the beer glass lonesome stranger who just walked in. 

PAINTING WITH EYEHOLES BROADWAY-BOUND DANCING SHOES 













Some eager youngsters have put a show 
together in a barn. Our hero, wearing 
two-tone prop shoes, knocks everybody 
dead with his dance routine including 


ee, | =. 7 famous talent scout who just happened 
: Sg : .. _ to be out front..Shoes are then shown 
You can bet your life that in almost or heroine will be spied upon through dancing across country in a series of 
every mystery-horror film that takes the cut-out eyes of the old portrait montage shots, bound for Broadway and 


place in a creepy old house, our hero hanging over the fireplace . . . or bed. that big break at the Palace Theater. 


‘““AMERIKANISCHER SCHWEINHUND” 
PERISCOPE 







After several touching scenes aboard 
the troop transport in which the boys 
have exchanged memories, jokes, bits 
of homespun philosophy and photos of 
loved ones, film always cuts suddenly 
to this prop. Look for the evil Nazi 
Sub Commander, followed by a torpedo. 





Main character always spots prop when 
dropping in unexpectedly. If the main 
character is a detective, it means he 
surprised the girl and the murderer. 
If the main character is a woman, the 
butt is usually lipstick-smeared, and 
it means her lover is cheating on her. 






SLOWLY ROTATING CEILING FAN 





Back in days when men’s “hairstylists” 
were known as “barbers,” they not only 
cut hair, but they also shaved people. 
In comedy films, the fun started when 
the barber turned to the broiler prop, 






Creaky old gimmick that’s always used 
to establish the scene (usually on the 
English coast) where the smugglers or 
the ship-wreckers are meeting to make 


inom Sree: 


WEATHER-BEATEN INN SIGN 


took out a steaming hot towel, did a 
little painful dance, and dropped it 
on the face of a prone and helpless 
villain — like a crusty bank president, 
a skinflint landlord or a city slicker. 






. ee Lis = 


plans or split the swag. You can _ bet 
that the sign will be swinging wildly 
in a torrential downpour and suddenly 
illuminated by a flash of lightning. 


Re ——— | 





Prop wagon always seen in movies about 
French Revolution. It was used to carry 
condemned to Guillotine and was geared 
to move painfully slow to give inhuman 
jeering crowd an opportunity to hurl 
insults at prisoner, and also to give 





more oppressive the heat (and the plot) 
becomes. Look for intrigue, treachery, 
spies, murder — and Sidney Greenstreet. 


Always used for setting the scene in 
either a steaming tropic jungle or the 
Casbah. The slower the fan turns, the 


prisoner time to do a final voice-over 
— like maybe, “’Tis a far, far better 
thing I do than I have ever done. . .” 


t sit there, night after ni Z 
your anger? Well, fret no more! Here isa 


ARTIST @ WRITER: AL JAFFEE 


AMPERS” COMMERCIAL  -—THE “TIPARILLO” CO 


, Wanna see our new baby? 
Y 


Y 


Z 

yA 
AK 
WAY) 
yi 


What happened to the old baby? My God! It’s What would you say if | offered you a fosinikin hygi | ? 
the Pampers that are supposed to be disposable! af f ee aimee 





THE “OLD SPICE” COMMERCIAL 













That’s not fog! That’s my body odor! 


THE “DRISTAN” COMMERCIAL 


Mrs. Richard Weiskopf, why did you switch to Dristan? 


Because I’m getting a fat fee plus residuals for plugging this junk! 


simple solution: Just hold this article in front of you the commercials appear, shout out the answer we "ve given. You'll . : 
next time you watch TV, and the minute one of those ee be amazed how vey — ates feel letting go me ied 


IDEA BY: MARCELLE PESEK 


‘THE “BROMO SELTZER" ¢ COMMERCIAL THE “COMET” COMMERCIAL oe 
Ever come home feeling plain lousy? =" - | Having trouble with your sink? | i 


Yes! Especially when I’m greeted by you on my TV set! No, I'm having trouble with my doorlock! All kinds 
of weirdos—like Lady Plumbers—keep wandering in! 


~ THE “PURINA VARIETY MENU” AD 


Is this the cat food eer’ will eat? 





m  Taste?!? | use if for removing arpace from my bicycles _ 


“MUELLER’S SPAGHETTI SAUCE” AD THE “SWIFT'S PREMIUM SAUSAGE” AD 


When you pour on the sauce, does your 
spaghetti get Jost in the sauce? 
% ne ae 


Hey! Heard about Swift's Premium Sausages? 








Yes! And for fifty bucks, I'll keep my mouth shut! 

















The price tag that cleans out your bank account! 





JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART | 


AVN 
ff eu 


Sy 


<< nA 


7; 


SU 
Ay) 
ZA Ai) (i i y 





SPEECH-EASY DEPT. 


MAD has received a lot of mail lately from American to bar idiots from politics just 
readers who complain that the high cost of because they’re poor. So we’re rushing to 
campaigning has prevented them from running the aid of poverty-stricken candidates with 
for office in this year’s elections. We, of ‘‘MAD’s Instant Speech Writer’’, designed to 
course, assume that anybody who reads MAD — eliminate the cost of hiring an expensive 
isn’t qualified anyway. Still, it seems un- genius to compose your campaign oratory. 


MAD’S SIMPLIFIED ABC MET 


Bulling Your Way Throu 


ALL-PURPOSE FOREIGN POLICY STATEMENTS 


1. This nation must not stand idly by and watch 
the councils of world diplomacy disintegrate into 
aformum for (A) (B) (C). 





FOREIGN POLICY 
INSTANT PHRASEMAKER 



















(A) 
1. Wishy-washy 


(B) 


1. Incompetent 


(C) 


1. Fanaticism 












2. Throughout history, (A) (B) (C) has led, 
without exception, to (A) (B) (C). 















2. Immoral 2. Knuckle-headed 


. Corruption 
2. Corruptio 3. If my opponent has his way, we will soon find 


ourselves in an unholy alliance with the forces of 
(A) (B) (C). 


4. In the realm of foreign aid spending, the time 
has come to separate our friends from the practi- 
tioners of (A) (B) (C). 

















3. Mealy-mouthed | 3. Lunatic 3. Saber rattling 











4. Unmitigated 4. Two-faced 4, Anti-Americanism 
















5. Short-sighted 5. Paranoid 5. Dictatorship 









ALL-PURPOSE URBAN CRISIS STATEMENTS 


1. I favor progress, but I also recognize that our 
ethnic minorities look upon (A) (B) (C) as 
part of their cultural heritage. 





URBAN CRISIS 
INSTANT PHRASEMAKER 




















(A) 
1. Decaying 


(B) 


1. Contaminated 


(C) 



















2. In time, (A) (B) (C) will spawn (A) 
(B) (C), and it may be a case of spending bil- 
lions merely to trade one for the other. 








1. Ghettoes 









2. Crime-ridden 2. Rotten 2. Neighborhoods 








3. As a religious man, I must ask myself this ques- 
tion: Did the good Lord create (A) (B) (C) 
only to have us undo His work? 














3. Hazardous 3. Overcrowded 3. Firetraps 


















4. Turbulent 4, Unsanitary 4, Streets 


4. Are we to view (A) (B) (C) as totally un- 
desirable, or also as living testimony of America’s 
maturing growth? 



















5. Depressingly 5. Polluted 5. Schoolrooms 


54 


The Instant Speech Writer consists of lists 
of impressive words which can be assembled 
into impressive phrases to create ‘Instant 
Expertise’ on every major campaign issue, 
Just pick any word from Column ‘‘A’”’ of one 
of the “Instant Phrasemakers’’ below, add 


HOD OF... 


gh Election Campaigns 





any word from Column “s’, salle oh 
with one from Column ‘‘C’’, and drop the whole 
mish-mosh into any one of the “All-Purpose 
Statements’’ provided, and there you have it! 
Just one of the hopelessly confusing and 
meaningless oratory gems provided by... 





WRITER: TOM KOCH 


ALL-PURPOSE NATIONAL ECONOMY STATEMENTS 


1. For twenty years, our fiscal policy has been one 
of (A) (B) (C) . Now, the inevitable conse- 
quence is (A) ( _(B) (CC). 


2. Our senior citizens faced with the plight of living 
on a fixed income should pause to consider the 
effects of (A) (B) (C). 






NATIONAL ECONOMY 
INSTANT PHRASEMAKER 
































(B) 


1. Systematic 


(A) 


1. Burgeoning 


(C) 


1. Imbalance 





















2. Unchecked 2. Deficit 2. Depletion 














3. Show me a nation that permits (A) (B) (C) , 
and I’ll show you a nation that’s headed for 


Lc) ad BE By 


4. Small wonder that prices keep rising when our 
national leaders offer us nothing but more 


@ © ©. 











3. Spiraling 3. Subsidized 3. Productivity 














4, Ill-conceived 4. Regulatory 4. Indebtedness 






















5. Wasteful 5. Stratified 5. Unemployment 






ALL-PURPOSE CAMPAIGN PROMISE STATEMENTS 


1. You have my solemn pledge that I will go to 
Washington and give the voters of this district 


A Sy sO. 


CAMPAIGN PROMISE 
INSTANT PHRASEMAKER 



















(A) 


1. Unwavering 


(B) 


1. Non-partisan 


(C) 


1. Ramification 















2. Look at the record, and you will see that my 
(A) (B) (C) has always assured my constitu- 
ents of (A) (B) (CC). 


















2. Consistently 2. Representative 2. Dychotomy 












3. I am sure I can count on all of you to cast your 
ballots for the only candidate who offers you 
another four yearsof (A) (B) (C). 








3. Dynamic 3. Proportional 3. Nepotism 





4. Tireless 4. Straightforward | 4. Xenophobia 









4. Surely, there can be no question of the outcome 
when my opponent promises nothing but 
(A) (B) (C) while I pledge (A) (B) (C). 

















5. Dedicated 5. Meaningful 5. Verbosity 









LAW AND ORDER ALL-PURPOSE LAW AND ORDER STATEMENTS 
INSTANT PHRASEMAKER RS 

1. Where but in America do we imprison common 

(A) (B) (C) criminals whilewe allow (A) (B) (C) towalk 


the streets with impunity? ~~ 
1. Irresponsible 1. Long-haired 1. Drop-outs 

























2. Remember, a vote for me will save your chil- 

dren, as well as generations yet unborn, from grow- 

inguptobecome (A) (B) (C). 

3. I believe in the constitutional right of all those 
(A) (B) (C) and (A) (B) (C) to go back 

to Russia where theycamefrom. __ 

4. Unless we want our wives and mothers to be ac- 

costed by (A) (B) (C), then the course we 

must follow seems clear. _ 


NATIONAL DEFENSE ALL-PURPOSE NATIONAL DEFENSE STATEMENTS 
INSTANT PHRASEMAKER 1. Much as I abhor military waste, the develop- 
mentofa (A) (B) (C) could mean thousands 
(A) (B) (C) of new jobs for ie 
1. Nuclear 1. Megaton 1. Capability 2. Unlike my inexperienced opponent, I have un- 
biased Pentagon contacts who keep me updated on 
the needfora (A) (B) (C). 
3. We must ask ourselves whether it is prudent to 
delay appropriationsfora (A) (B) (C) when 
the Russians already havea (A) (B) (C). 
4. Let us not commit the sin of spending billions on 
a (A) (B) (C) whena (A) (B) (C) can 
obliteratemoreatlessexpense. 














2. Misguided 2. Leftist 2. Rabble rousers | 












3. Giggling 3. Militant 3. Self-seekers 














4. Shiftless 4. Pseudo- 
intellectual 


5. Homicidal 


4, Foreigners 














5. Wild-eyed 5. Freaks 








































2. First strike 2. Intermediary 2. Warhead 













3. Multiple 3. Ultra-ballistic 3. Force 

















4. Modernized 4. Optimum 4. Rocket 













5. Superior 5. Saturation 5. Arsenal 


Naturally, many candidates hesitate to use Instant Phrases dealing with specific issues for fear 
that their statements will be mistakenly construed as advocating or opposing something. Then, too, 
many lack the intelligence to memorize all the Instant Phrases they need to speak out forcefully 
on a variety of subjects they don’t understand. To help elect these mental deficients, a list of 
“Instant Phrase Political Platitudes’’ has been prepared. All are guaranteed to win applause, and 
none can result in embarrassing demands for clarification later. You may not make headlines, but 
you won't make a complete and utter fool of yourself either if you confine your speeches to... 







POLITICAL PLATITUDES | ALL-PURPOSE POLITICAL PLATITUDE STATEMENTS 
INSTANT PHRASEMAKER 1. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, Albert 
(A) (B) (C) Schweitzer and Joan of Arc, the American people 


will never tolerate (A) (B) (C). 
1. Creeping 1. Socialistic 1. Bungling 


























2. Today’s (A) (B) (C) can only lead to 
(A) (8B) (C) tomorrow, and this is not what 

we want Old Glory to stand for. 

3. Surely, no one within range of my voice wants 

his family to live in a corruptive atmosphere of 
(A) B) (©). 

4. My faith in the American voter makes me cer- 


tain that you will not let this great land fall victim 
to (A) (B) (C). 












2. Idiotic 2. Governmental | 2. Interference 












3. Sprawling 3. Bolshevik 3. Welfarism 














4. Spendthrift 4. Meatheaded 4. Boondoggling 












9. Repressive 5. Bureaucratic 5. Opportunism 


INSIDE-OUCH DEPT. 


A MAD PEEK BEHIND THE 
SCENES AT YOUR LOCAL 


POWER & LIGHT 
COMPANY 


ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITTEN BY: DICK DE BARTOLO & DON EPSTEIN 








My electric bill Could Sure! If you S'long, But, Sid! It’s 
seems abnormally Certainly, Madam! You see, you buy electric you put don’t pay Charlie! I’m only 9 o’clock! 
high this month! energy on the basis of metered kilowatts . . . that in your bill by goin’ out Better wait a 
Would you please which is the total amount of voltage supplied layman’s || Monday, we to read few hours! Some 
explain your minus the amperage consumed with a reciprocal terms! shut off your meters people might 
billing system? allowance for unknown conductances calculated. now! still be AWAKE! 





That’s right, folks! The Smiths | | sure hope nobody 
use oil to heat their home, and | finds out that the 
last year their heating bill was Smiths live in 
$1,245.00! The Joneses, who use | Nome, Alaska, and 
electricity to heat their home, tz4_—ithe Joneses live 
only spent $122.50 last year... ~ | in Miami, Florida! 
oy 5 mn ’ ner : ab 


Okay, men, the results of the “‘Blackout Poll’’ are in! 
We've got 19 votes to have it in the middle of “All 
In The Family”... 15 votes to have it during the last 
10 minutes of ‘‘The Mystery Movie Of The Week’... an 
Bert Crocker wants it for two hours in the middle of 
the night so everybody’s alarm is off and they’re 
late pas work the next one and ck re all fired! 


Fins ae Pick It's the meter he We haven't gotten one 
any fournumbers ,— reading I’m putting (mf of those nasty letters 


from one to ten ! 2" down on the Baxter’s @@ from Mrs. Nickerson for 
be bill! | never got m several months! | think 
to their house | lll credit her payment 


last month! @ to the Johnson's again! 


Okay, Gentlemen! Here’s our Advertising Campaign for 
this year: We'll sponsor five big million-dollar TV 
Specials, run full page ads in every newspaper and 
magazine in the country, and send out fancy color 
brochures with every bill! And our new theme will be: 
“Your Electric Company Spends Its Money Wisely!” 


Did you hear the good 
news? We've just been 
authorized a $750,000 
tax write-off so we can 


modernize our equipment! § 


| really don’t think they’re letting the new guys 
spend enough time learning how to splice wires! 


Great! We’ Il put a new bar in 
the Executive Cocktail Lounge, 
expand the Executive Swimming 
Pool, and build a new Indoor 
Executive Paring Fact; 





The water enters the nuclear generator here, cools the 
I’m new here! Because after you run one, it ‘ ory atomic pile, and gets dumped back into the river there! 
How come the takes twice as much electricity ie ae a — Me 
Electric Company to recharge it as it would’ve as Lo But doesn’t the ! j i 
pushes “cordless | | taken to run a regular appliance heated water MME aah! It kills a few fish and 


‘ “3 “ | plants and birds! But it doesn’t 
appliances? for the same length of time! affect the ecology? | affect the ecology at all! 


PORTABLE! 
CONVENIENTE 


We got the authorization from || That’s not so much! |f..> a We gotta be seen lurking around this neighborhood for 
Washington! We can increase | wees 2 » | ey | another week! There are still a few holdouts who refuse 
! see 3 nage on . . * * 1 
our monthly rates by $175,000! = Per block?!? — Ee i to leave their sgt on all night to ward off crime! 
e —_ <= \ a 3 . 


Our effective control of pollution is 
down 43%! Our uninterrupted service to 
customers is down 52%! And our efficiency 
is down 61%! What should we do? 


A Wn, il wal 


1a tl 


Hey, how come you set up the || We know! But we 
barricades here?!? The cable jam up more 
break is at Elm and Main!! traffic here! 





@4 CAUTION 


SORRPY FDR } 
* (UOONVENMIEN CE 
PONTE Chilo? 
SCBA 


iy b * rn me 
AY : nae 
| Te | se 
mB MM aoe. il, SRS 


Iy7?. 





DON MARTIN DEPT. PART IV 


ONE DAY AT THE BULLFIGHTS 


)) ee Hy 8 








SO ee >. 
$3 zt a A 
. nes een eae a pak 














ie 03 Pe 


a 














SPORTS-BLASTER DEPT. 2 
This ode to his favorite Monday night commentator is a good example of the type of “Ig 
af 


idiocy MAD sports freak, Frank Jacobs, is offering in his all-new paperback, ‘‘MAD 
About Sports.’’ So consider yourself warned about this ‘‘Humor In A Jock-ular Vein.”’ 


HOWARD AT 
THE MIKE 


(with apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer) 


ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: FRANK JACOBS 














It looked extremely dismal 
for the TV fans that night; 

The game was dull in color, 
even worse in black-and-white; 

So, when Dallas missed three field goals 
and the Vikings couldn't score, 

The viewers rightly muttered 

that the contest was a bore. 











Up in the booth was Gifford, 
botching up the play-by-play, 

While Dandy Don beside him 
barely had a thing to say; 

They tried their hand at making jokes, 
but anyone could tell 

They sorely missed the Gabby One, 
the talker named Cosell. 


e. Ww) 





But Howard had a cold that night 
and couldn’t make the game; 
_'Twas clear without his acid tongue 
the show was not the same; 
Throughout the land from coast to coast 
the viewers fumed and frowned; 
A few, in fact, expressed the thought 
of turning off the sound. 





















The network switchboard buzzed with calls 
—nine-tenths of them irate— 

“We want Cosell,”’ fans screamed, “for he’s 
the man we love to hate!”’ 

The network brass behind the scenes 
looked outwardly quite calm, 

Though inwardly each bigwig knew 

the evening was a bomb. 


Then early in the second half 
there rose a mighty cheer; 

It thundered through the broadcast booth 
and echoed far and near; 

It warmed the hearts of network brass 
and cameramen alike, 

For Howard, gabby Howard, 
was advancing to the mike. 


His nose was red from sneezing fits, 
his throat was raw and sore; 


A headache racked his brow with pain; 
his joints ached even more; 
His cough was like the wheezing 
of an ancient Greyhound bus, 
Despite great use of Contac pills 
and Alka-Seltzer Plus. 


He flashed a silken handkerchief 
and gave his nose a blow, 

Then made his way across the booth 
to watch the play below; 

He coolly scanned the first-half stats 
to see which men had played, 

Then jotted down the key mistakes 
each quarterback had made. 





























“He’s back!”’ exclaimed the TV fans, 
as Gifford broke the news, 

“The game won't be a bore at all 
with him to give his views!”’ ; ca yy . See : F ee 

And then the nation settled back : Bs e/a ee 
to hear the pithy quips, | Sh & aio ‘ 

Those rich and rolling phrases which 

would fall from Howard's lips. 


wen 


\\\ «A 
\\ fh 
\ RR 


There was pride in Howard’s bearing 
as he took his seat on high; 

There was ease in Howard’s manner 
as he loosened up his tie; 

And neither of his colleagues 
could dispute the awesome truth 

That the power of his presence 
could be felt throughout the booth. 


DBE 
a oF 


LN 













> 
Dia 





A glint has come to Howard's eyes, 
his tongue is poised to strike; 
His hand is raised to make a point, 

he leans into his mike; 
And now we feel the fury 

of that mighty mind of his— 
And now the air is shattered 
as he tells it like it is. 


Oh, somewhere in this favored land 
there is a happy place 

Where folks are watching re-runs 
of “I Spy” and “Lost In Space’; 

And somewhere there are TV sets 
around which folks rejoice; 

But there is no joy in football 
—gabby Howard's lost his voice. 





YS 





PUMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE DEPT. 


ox... SRV IC 








y 








STATIONS = 














wali 





— 







poy U) 
x NY) we h 
Seo aN NG 4 


UT; <i WO et AN NS. NS r x \ 
bt, sie a : S - BE Ay s 
a gthwol ZAN i 


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65 | 


BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPT. PART Il - 


THE 
LIGHTER | 
SIDE OF... 


Okay . . . this is a tricky shot, so DARN IT! | MISSED!! IT’S ALL) [{ MY fault? | | know! | could hear you 
| don’t want any distractions! No BR YOUR didn’t even holding your breath!! 
talking! Not one sound... yy) FAULT! BREATHE!! " 








Don’t you hate “Baseball Nuts’’ who come out on a peaceful beach ... that you can hardly hear the groovy 
with their portable TV sets and blast the sound so loud... Rock music on your own portable radio set?!? 


Hey, you got a It’s cool, How do you like It’s cool, What’s it like to It’s cool, And what's it like It’s hot, 
Dune Buggy! How ‘Man... the Volkswagen Man... drive with no top, Man... when you get stuck Man... 
do you like it? real cool! engine and the real no windows, and REAL in heavy traffic REAL 

fiberglass body? cool! no air conditioner? COOL! on a broiling day? HOT!! 
























ACTIVIT 


ARTIST & WRITER: DAVE BERG 
Holy cow! Do you realize we covered ove: 
three hundred miles today in the camper? 














Frankly, | don’t know 
why the big rush! Now 
that we’re here, what 
are we going to do? 


And you did it in 
" 



























Maybe it wasn’t Calm down! 
such a good idea We ARE lost! 
going family But little 
camping in the Jerry will 

wilderness! | find the way 
think we're lost, | : back! He 
always does! 


It’s uncanny how he does it! 
He’s a real throwback to his 
primitive ancestors! Okay, 
Jerry ... which trail do we 
take out of this wilderness 
and back to our campsite? 


See what | 
mean? Isn't 
he fantastic? 
How do you 
do it, Jerry? 


| just follow the trail of 
empty beer cans, cigarette 
packs, candy wrappers and 
other litter we drop on 
our way to getting lost! 






















Stop the car They don’t have fancy beach | hope seeing Oh, it does, 
a moment, this is clubs with pools to go to, all this. makes Mother! It 
Charles! | where the as we do! The Fire Department you realize makes me 





want Nancy | | poor people 
to see this! live... 


opens a hydrant for them... something, dear! realize... 





(O) 
ae PPEe, 
















Well, look who’s comin’ up t’ 
bat! Flabby, four-eyed stock- 
| broker, Harold Flurn! He can’t 
hit the side of a barn with 
the side of a barn! He’s an 
easy strike-out! No sweat on 
this creep, Mike! Take it slow 
on ’im! That’s it! Strike one!! 















How do you 
like my tan, 
Mr. Kaputnik? 


| am! At “The Little 
Tot Day Camp” where 
| work, | take care 
of three-year-olds! 


You look 
beat! 














| don’t like 
those things! 


C’mon! 
Let’s go 












paddling They leak! 
in the I'd rather 
Life Raft! go swimming! 





Look at the big 
difference between 
where I’m sunburned 
and where I’m not! 


He swings like a girl! Harold 
hasn't got his mind on this 
softball game! He’s thinkin’ 
about how he’s gonna swish 

around at the next Gay Lib 

meeting! Put it right past ‘im! 

That’s it, baby! Strike two!! 









| thought 
the youngest 
kids they 
take are 
FOUR! 





Don't be | 
a killjoy! 
C’mon! 


Okay, but this 
is against my 
better judgement! 





Well? How did you 


Right! But the 
Mothers lie about 
their kids’ ages 
just to get them 
off their hands! 

























Hey, don’t even bother to 
throw him a slow one, Mike! 
Throw ’im a cream puff!! 
Next time, they’re gonna 
send Harold’s wife in to 
pinch-hit for him! Easy... 
That’s it! STRIKE THREE!! 


hen 
CPs 
4a) a 


By the way, Harold! Got any 
Market tips for an old buddy? 





like her tan?? 


























Then they can hang 
around the pool and 
lie about their own 
ages to all the young 
swinging bachelors! 


It’s a terrible thing to lie! 
Now you’re stuck with a rough 
job handling a bunch of rotten 
little kids! Gee, how’d you ever 
get a job like that, anyway? 


«| So what are you % 
complaining about? |7> 


3 al 


SEE WHAT | MEAN?!? THE 
DARN THING IS LEAKING!! I 
TOLD YOU I’D RATHER 
GO SWIMMING!! 
















. and there’s WATER 
in the basement! 







So. now | have more of the 
same headaches! | still 


| wanted to get away from all the headaches of owning a 

home, so | bought this houseboat for weekends because 

it’s roomier than a regular cabin cruiser! So—big deal! 

Be rat a mortgage to pay, every 

room is a guest room... 
‘S 














When you were a kid, 
what kind of idiotic 
round thing did you 
and your friends 
throw at each other? 


It’s called . 
a Frizzbee! 


Look at those stupid kids . . . throwing that 
idiotic round whatchamacallit to each other! 


HEY! WHO ARE 
YOU CALLING 
“STUPID’’?!? 





Well, | have to get my 
Winter wardrobe, don’t |?!? 











Whew! I’m bushed! It’s so 
blasted hot outside, and 
these packages weigh a ton! 


So who tells you to go 
running around to all the 
Department Stores on the 
hottest day of the Summer? |. 















What in Getting a quick 
heck are sunburn with 
you doing? a reflector... 


Are you crazy or something?!? 
That reflector concentrates 
dangerous ultra-violet rays 
in one area! And too much 
exposure to ultra-violet 
rays can cause skin cancer! 


Keep using that 
thing and it could 
make you sick!! 


But think of how healthy 
it’ll make me LOOK!! 









Where are you 
going this Summer? 












Well, my boy, 
are you having 
a good Summer? 





Out in the back, 
gardening! 















I'm having 
a ROTTEN 
Summer!! 


This Summer, 










he’s ona 
horticulture 







I’m sorry 
to hear 
that! How 









There’s no such place as 
“‘nowheres”’! Every place is 
SOMEwheres! So where 
are you going this Summer? 


Really? The big-time 
executive’s gone 
back to the soil?! ? 
This | gotta see!! 












Are you gonna FISH... 
Or are you gonna TALK?!? 














You’re right! You 
ARE going nowheres! 





If you must know, I'm visiting 
my Grandmother in Brownsville, 
Texas... then I’m visiting my 
Aunt Harriet in Enid, Oklahoma 

...and then I’m visiting my 
Cousin Jerry in Jersey City! 













































j\...and after you finish pruning the trees, |.° 
| want you to trim the evergreens! Then, | 
think we'll fertilize the roses, and... 


| i} 
| ae 
1 =f} X 
i 
te 4 




























Because What’s one | had such ... that now | have to 

| hada thing got a great go to SUMMER SCHOOL 
BALL all to do with time in my to make up for it! 
Winter! the other? classes... 





JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART II 


¥ 
1 dAi 
‘“ 
\ 
OF 
b Ce 
1) 
U 
b ( 
’ 


\ 
4 
D 
4 


fe 
4 






























































‘DISTINCTIVE BIRTH 


FROM A WOMEN’S LIB MEMBER FROM BELIEVERS IN BIRTH CONTROL | 


Mrs. Wilma Flensch 
announces resentfully 
that, after suffering 
through nine months of an uncomfortable 
pregnancy, culminating in 37 hours 
of labor and a difficult delivery in order 
to satisfy the male chauvinistic 
paternalism of her husband Harold, 
she has given birth to a daughter 





Mr. and Mrs. Richard Whiffle 
their faith in medical science 


Floyd shaken if not destroyed completely 
are stunned to announce 
July 29, 1971 the birth of a daughter. 
Ova 
May 20, 1971 





FROM A HORSE-PLAYER FROM AN ASTROLOGER © 





Mr. & Mrs. A\returus Shapiro 


Mr. & Mrs. Charlie (“Odds”) Gritzlik 


are pleased to announce regret to announce the birth 
that they’ve just hit an 87 to1 of a Cancer=Leo cusp 
longshot with Aries rising, the moon in Sagittarius, 
namely twins 
Dwayne Damascus i Mars in Scorpio, and Saturn in opposition 
and _ to Mercury, Jupiter, Neptune and Pluto 
Arthur Nashua 


August 5, 1971 : July 23, 1971 





Mr. Oscar Roy Haverstraw 
is pleased to announce Mr.’ and Mrs.’ Esterhazy’ 


that his wife, P 
at his wife, Penelope are pleased to announce 


has whelped : 
a six pound, nine ounce bitch the birth’ : 
of ason, Boris® 


Jennifer 


June 26, 1971 October 14, 1971° 


1 George. 


2 Ernestine. 
3 No relation to French army officer Ferdinand Esterhazy, who 


figured prominently in the Dreyfus Affair. 

4 At Mercy Hospital, 5th floor, Delivery Room B. 

5 After Boris III, ruler of Bulgaria (1918-1948). 

6 Nine hundred and fifth anniversary of the Battle of Hastings, in 
which William the Conqueror led the Normans against the Saxons, 
under Harold, and won, after an entire day’s fighting, a decisive 
victory, in fact the most important of the Norman Conquest of 
England, which led to massive changes in English politics, trade, 
architecture, religion and way of life. 


Madame Olga 
and her husband 
Max the Mystic 
are profoundly awed 
ia bie ee ane 3 to announce the 
ose Holdings Include . . 
Pitkin Foundaries, T e R Roofing Tiles, Jensaetis 
the Acme Tool & Die Works, Folsom’s Aluminum Sidings, of 
and Wembley’s Industrial Detergents Alexander the Great 
proudly announces 
the acquisition of a son Six pounds, seven ounces 
Joba Ajax July 11, 1971 
to management trainee Byron Brumly 
August 1, 1971 








MR. & MRS. FELIX SLEED 
ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE 





THE BIRTH 
Freen, Major Julius Augustus, West Point ‘61 eae 
tactically supported by 
Freen, Henrietta Dorothy, wife 
announces the birth, Caesarian OCTOBER 14, 1956 


of 
Freen, Dwight Douglas Ulysses, West Point ‘93 
Infant, male, bouncing, 8 pounds, 3 ounces 





5 August 1971 


FROM A MOVIE PRODUCER 


His Terrifying Screams 
Pierced The Dark Of Night! 


He Was An Uncontrollable Creature 
Who Knew What He Wanted 
And Knew How To Get It! 


Would They Give In To His 
INSATIABLE DEMANDS? 


SUDDENLY IT’S 


FROM AN UNWED MOTHER CLARENCE 


STARRING 


Dr. Quincy Fernfeather 
WITH 


Nurse Elma Forbush 
Miss Phoebe Muldoon AND 


is happy to announce A 
the birth of an additional weekly The : pil a of 


Welfare payment of $47.50 
PRODUCED AND DIRECTED BY 





* EHCP , 





City Hospital Mr. & Mrs. Harry Waxwire 
July 2, 1971 


BASED ON AN IDEA 
Mrs. Waxwire 


PREMIERE: MAY 3, 1971 





FROM APSYCHIATRIST 2 FROM AN ACCOUNTANT 


Dr. Sigmund Pomerantz 
nie pp ae . Mr. and Mrs. Waldo Windrush 
at his wife, Wanda, 
having rid herself of her deep-rooted fears 
of maternity brought about in childhood by D S 
resentment and suppressed hostility toward her Ae SieTesee 
schizophrenic mother and her paranoic father, 5 ai aK of A A11.75 cy 
has given birth to a daughter which $903.54 is deductible. 
Sigmunda May 24, 1971 


are pleased to announce 
the birth of an exemption 


April 30, 1971 








HYPOCRATIC OAEFS DEPT. 


There’s a popular weekly series on television about a Medical Center where patients 
are treated with respect, the nurses are super-courteous, the operations are 99.9% 
successful, and no one is ever presented with a bill. Now, we’ve been to plenty of 
Medical Centers, but from what we’ve seen of this place, it’s more like a... 


MIRAGLE CENTER 



















































































































ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO 
Eek AE Ng ete een ae hs) oe 2 ly _phph tintin Se ee eo 

May | help b GOOG fences eae reat ea, Please don’t callour ;) Okay, tell me about - 4 Then you'll have to gotoa 
you, please? like to | was run over by | ambulance drivers | the turmoil in your But | “Local Time”’ Hospital! This 
preach, YOUR AMBULANCE! Crazy! They have a job personal life! Why don’t is a “Prime Time” Hospital! 

Yes...1 | but | was in perfect to do, and sometimes 4. 7oe have nothingto | | have We only treat patients with 
think my eta health when | came | they have to drive fast! |___ live for! Some inner any of dramatic emotional as well 
leg is tv oe here to visit a Now... where mere padi driving you those! as physical problems here! 
broken! | careful! sick friend! But elie the de. &: crazy! Your tragic Just a We can’t keep an audience 

was just then, this crazy ef OE Prien ss beoken with problems about just 
run over! cm ambulance driver— eal Upon the thini floor Les oops | eg! plain everyday broken legs! 








atin ; aa cae 


eee: 


\ a a Se 
Young lady?! Hah! | may be 













Now, if 




































Go up on The chips are stacked | Now THIS is a Prime Time Case!! See, wise 
you'll only 20, but I’ve seen it the third against me! The parade = a ices guy?! Now 
| excuse me! all! I’ve hit the heights floor! has passed me by! Evil | Okay! Lcan see she’s.ina sad buzz off! 
| Cee and the depths! | don’t You can walks where | walk! I’m emotional state! But what’s 
even know what I’m doing get hit a born loser! In other wrong with her PHYSICALLY? I'll have 
| here! | think I’ll go out- by an words, life is no bowl =e eee : Dr. G ‘A 
side and get hit by a car! ambulance! of cherries for me! hee BUS 





4 look at you! 


\ (aa ce 
/ LPS / i . 

tf U/ JAN\KE oa WH ‘ ' : & 
\ Y)\\\ gee 





‘giin 
Hf} 











































| Allyour tests | have terrible ~ As postive as modern! after it’s born! Dr. Gammon! | | | can’t have || | dont’ believe it! To 
| are back, and | news for you, medicine can be! You’re If we slap it Mr. Glutzer a baby! I’m 











all alone in 

the world! No 
one cares if 

| live or die! 


Miss Fileman! screwed up kid! 


You’re pregnant! 


either pregnant, or you 
swallowed a balloon! 


When will you know for 
certain, Dr. Gammon? 


and it cries, 
it’s a baby! If 
we Slap it and 
it bursts, it’s 
a balloon... 





















needs a — 
| eee ae ‘| 
That’s not true! | 


| 


[= 2) have wonderful 
~1;} mews for you, 


> A 
=\-! Mrs. Fileman! 


















Pregnant?!? Are 
you positive? 






To me, you’re a 
VERY SPECIAL 
screwed up kid! 


you, I’m just sf 


















































# 
LE, 
i 


fp 
/ YW, 
Aft fh 


Jeni i 


Ne ad We. 


You see, Miss Fileman, 





ne = pak 
Mad 




















Dr. Gammon! Me?!? I’ve 







































Mr. Glutzer | learned something: if you'll thought never been 
that drugs and healing | | move over I'd Of course not! promiscuous! 
tools are fine, but please? get But | think | | was always 
| said nothing can take the z into oughttotellthe | ———— too busy 
not now, place of a warm, close bed child’s—er— fooling 
Nurse! § and personal Doctor- with Father! What’s “youwerevery|| around 






Patient relationship! 


_| his phone num 


ber? | promiscuous! with guys!! 






































































oe 19 Leet 8 dee OG 
And in that e®| | Without my permission?! No need to rush, ‘“‘Mr. Sympathetic’! 
same time, == | But! specifically told | just came by to tell you that Mr. 
Fd Rig el ern papel oh ee him ‘ia Wiciie taua Glutzer’s bed is available! So are 
2 ) . ecient Ges ce Be ce eins the beds of patients Bacon, Cohen, | 
sata at eee ree in the orate Hg Will you excuse me for Olson and Thompson! You may have 
givan'harthe wilbto live! Me cardiac arrest! | have a thing or two | Sometimes | wish you’d administer [} [~ 








want to tell Mr. Glutz 














Gentlemen, “Doctor Gammon! You say 






















The problem is we have no This is our 


























































we have that we should operate! conflict! The young doctor | Say, “Do not Well, if you insist | | Weekly dose 
Ae ee agrees with the old Doctor! |‘‘Do NOT | | operate!”’| | Gn “cutting it out,” | | of medical 

problem It’s preposterous! Why, our pee then we just HAVE humor, folks! 
with Mr. YOU say that we patients—and also our TV to operate! Because| | Shows we’re 
Belfrey’s should operate! viewers—will lose faith you’re in charge! only human! 





inflamed | *&—————___— — in us! There has GOT to 
be a difference of opinion! 









































































we Bo MSEC ee er 
Speaking of showing | | These damn coffee i One | What about Gentlemen, I’ve No, my decision is 
ave Munlence:- we're prARKS suis e DAY?! our conflict, made my decision! based on careful 
Baty AUIBAD OW making me into fj That's fF J centlemen? # toss a scalpel? @ We will operate! studies of the 
about some coffee? a nervous wreck! |§ how |) Wio's doing | se oad : ee audience! They 
sue going If it sticks in 
ean er cosn ye a gi! Aide ddd ij tie hg tobe right || the patient, we [4 Is your decision | | expect at least one 
least three coffee cupof coffee! Bil've had || —the young || operate! And if “ based on careful bloody operation 
breaks per show! ; mag THIS | or the old it doesn’t, we studies of the per show! So, cut 
Cream, Doctor That's a lot of f gales doctor? leave him alone!|'| patient, Doctor? | | away, Dr. Gallstone! 
r 3 


Lockjaw... ? 











cups in one day! 


























































Dr. Lockjaw, Dr. Lockjaw, | Did you see how Well, that I'd say that was 
may | talk think it’s a shaky his hand was slight case Slight case?! could happen the UNKINDEST 
to you mistake to let holding the coffee? of—| forget Yesterday, to anybody! CUT OF ALL, if 
alone for a Dr. Gallstone He spilled practically the medical during a simple you'll forgive a 
moment? operate! | the whole cup! And terminology— ||| appendectomy, He removed little more medical 
think there’s what was left, but I think his hand was it from the humor! But, I’ll 
Do you have an something he poured up it’s called so shaky, he nurse who was watch him during 
appointment? §@ wrong with him! his nose! “Whoopsies”! ||| removed a lung! | | assisting him! | | today’s operation! 


am Ve 





er 
Do as | say! You must! 
Don’t shy away from it! 


I know! | was 
the same way 
“| when | started 


“|here! But you'll 
d! get used to it! 


There! You’ve 
seen me make 
a cut! Now 
you do the 
same thing! 





Doctor! 
(Choke!) 


There’s too much bloo 


if 





It looks 
like an 


No, that’s the 
football score! 
The patient 
asked to be 
kept informed! 


It’s 
100 
over 
60, 
Doctor! 


RE 
Is that # 
the 
blood 
pressure? 


bellied 









Hmmm! | do 
detect a very 
slight tremor! 


Dr. Lockjaw! Look at his hands shake! I’m goin; 
| tell you, Dr. Gallstone should not 


be allowed to perform any operations! 










serves their steaks much too rare... 


the Chef is an operating room drop-out! |\ 


. aN be, Ne 
J Ora f Please, i 
“ yellow- @ 


4 down there! | 


if 
C’mon! Finish | 
up! We've got 
an operation 
to witness! 





with the blood dripping out! | think 


But there’s 
nothing to wipe, 
Doctor! You’re 
not sweating! 


ve TT 


That’s what | mean! Put some 
sweat ON it! | want those 
students up there watching to 
know they should always sweat 
while performing an operation! 


nurse— 





pO 


PR em 
ast ifs 


“ 
~~ 











\-] 
























Thank you 
for saving 
my life, 
Doctor 
Gallstone! 





Don’t thank me! Thank Doctor Gammon! He was 
the one who helped most in the operation! 
It was he who showed me that sometimes 

an old and ailing doctor has to step aside 
to make dines for the new, bright, young ones! 








Botctos, you feantt leave the field 
TOTALLY! I've already taken the 
liberty of getting you another job! 


or the Bayer Company. . 


44 Starting Monday, you'll be working § 
. Stuffing 


those little wads of cotton into 
the = of bottles of Aspirin! 





In any case, charming, 
lonely Mr. Belfrey has 
proposed marriage... but 
| I don’t think he knows 
I’m an unwed Mother! 









JB EE ME SRS wa eee an 
Tell him, by cj had their big argument over 


9 


Z 








What should 
1 do, Doctor! 


all means. 
ee” 



















Bt. ene: Deere enna en avoe Weorms fone atten ee ja =— sialon Sedlios ee Se a Se SRE SSS Sas 





















Hey, | didn’ t aa all that, tne: 
Gallstone! All | said was, you’re 

a nervous, doddering, butcher-happy 
shell-shocked old quack who should 
be practicing with witch doctors, or 
sorcerers back in the dark ages! 


Now, now! Don’t 
try to flatter me, 
Son! I’ve learned 
my lesson, and 

I’m leaving the 

Medical Profession! 











































And, Doctor, Well, we here at Miracie Center never take 

« you’ve made on a patient unless he or she has some kind If you 

| ME feel of story that fits in with the story of our think 
wanted, too, other guest-star-patient so that we can | that’s 

by putting always have this warm and wonderful scene easy to 

Mr. Belfrey at the end where the two hospitalized human say in one 
into the bed beings find strength in each other... and breath, 

| next to mine! try it! 


don’t have to depend on us Doctors any more! | 











meets 


Ay 


ZL, Pe y 7 





Ay, Mit 1%, 





It ashi doesn’t anthers 
Miss Fileman! After Doctor § 
Gallstone and Doctor Gammon § 











me in the operating room . 








DON MARTIN DEPT. PART V 


An,,, | Good Lord!! This man’s been run over by a steam Feryesy 
am roller! Let’s get him to the Hospital . .. QUICK! ea 
0% a ca 






atch 


<<a 











ARTIST & WRITER: 
AL JAFFEE 








Some people think that Pot is harmless, and some 
people think that Pot is harmful. But one thing 
is sure. Everyone agrees that, for some people, 
legalized Pot would have a murderous effect. To 
find out who they are, fold in the page as shown. 


FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT 


What's the real | Well... it’s 


reason potisn’t | easy to grow... 
legalized, Henry? ’ 


Se ee 


a cheap high! — 
ae 


who would 
it hurt?!? 


{B 





FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “B” 





THE MISGUIDED POT SMOKER IS MERELY A NAUGHTY 


BOOB TO MANY. BUT OTHERS WOULD PENALIZE 


BUSTED POTHEADS SEVERELY FOR THEIR SILLINESS 


A) 


4B 





me 














America’s Final Cigarette Brea 











IRVING SCHILD 


PHOTOGRAPHY. 





AL JAFFEE 


WRITER 








[HOSE LIFE 


CRESS SO ae a 





THE MIGHTY 
ARTIST & WRITER: BO 0Z E 
AL JAFFEE 
BUSINESS 


A)4B