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..-AND HAVE A BALL! 


Watch out for this one! 


When they deliver those gigantic ‘'number 1's,"’ you'll Who knows? Some insane insurance company keeps sending 
need all the insurance you can get! Because they weigh them out. Near as we can figure, it’s their demented way 
two tons, and they've crushed delivery men, bystanders, of showing us how badly we need protection. Protection 
and everyone else they've fallen on! What's it all for? from psychopathic insurance companies, it seems to us! 


NATIONWIDE WARNING 


BEWARE OF CRAZY INSURANCE COMPANIES, 


NUMBER 81 SEPTEMBER 1963 


“You never know how many friends you bave until you rent a Summer place!” 
Alfred E. Neuman 


PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein 


ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner 
ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Jerry De Fuccio, Nick Meglin 
LAWSUITS: Martin J. Scheiman _ PUBLICITY: Richard Bernstein 
SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli, Nelson Tirado 
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: 

The Usual Gang of Idiots 


DEPARTMENTS 


A CURE FOR THE COMMON CLOD DEPARTMENT 

MAD's Wonder Drugs For Common Teenage Ailments ...... 30 
AND THE BRAND PLAYED ON DEPARTMENT 

Labels We Should've Seen ... 202. .6.. 0c cceeee eee en ens 4 
BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT 

The Lighter Side Of Summer Camp ..........--.0.20000005 20 
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT 

“The Class Program’ 5. sc. sieis sicinieertns seins wees naitis volsie v9 "1 

“Another Brain Operation” 

“A Domestic Scene” 
FOR WHOM THE FOOLS TOOL DEPARTMENT 


Popular Scientific Mechanics ............0.00ece eee een ees 41 
HORROR THINGS BY YOU? DEPARTMENT 

Movie Monsters From Everyday Life ..............00 eco 8 
JEST IN TIME DEPARTMENT 

If Today's Comedians Performed In The Past .............5 14 
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT 

Spy Vs. Spy 19 


Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy .. 
LETTERS PAGE DEPARTMENT 

Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ... 
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT 

Drawn-Out Dramas ... 
OY-VAY-ALL BOATS DEPARTMENT 


Off The Deep End .. . 83 
STEPPING AWAY FROM THE PITCH DEPARTMENT 

Beating TV Commercial Breaks .. -25 
TERM WARFARE DEPARTMENT 

On The Beach—In The Technology Of The Cold War .. ae 


WHAT MORTALS THESE FOOLS BE DEPARTMENT 
lf Comic Strip Characters Behaved Like Real People .. 
WHERE'S THE FIRE DEPARTMENT 
AMAD Look At Motorcycle Cops . 
**Various Places Around The-Magazine 


“OO in the U.S. Elsewhere, 
intire contents copyright 1963 
not be responsible for unsolicited 
mi scripts and Toquest an manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return 
envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious, A sim- 
ilarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. 


VITAL FEATURES 


LABELS WE SHOULD'VE SEEN......... 4 
MAD looks around at all 


NON ff the items labeled “New"— 
Super f& ‘Perfected’ —"Improved”— 
Stance and figures the originals 
= “~*~ ZN must've been pretty lousy. 


MOVIE MONSTERS FROM LIFE. . 8 


Hollywood movie monsters 
seem to be getting more 
nA and more disgusting, but 
= MAD tops them with these 
every-day-life “horrors”. 


TODAY'S COMEDIANS IN THE PAST...14 


We were going to write a 
very clever five-line gag 
about this article . . . but 
a funny thing happened on: 
the way to the typesetter. 


SUMMER CAMP ..... 

I / Anticipation, separation, 
Hf é and relaxation is exactly 
| what Summer Camp means 

[_é —to parents! But some kids 


LBA. might enjoy going anyhow! 


BEATING TV COMMERCIAL BREAKS. . .25 


This article has tips on 
how not to waste valuable 
time watching TV ads. You 
can waste even less time 
by skipping this article. 


WONDER DRUGS FOR TEENAGERS... .30 


Teenagers can avoid much 
3 unbearable suffering with 
these new “wonder drugs”. 
Now if somebody can come 
up with a drug for MAD— 


IF COMICS BEHAVED LIKE PEOPLE. ...34 
We show what comic strip 


4 = Ry, characters would be like 


NL if they behaved as “real” 
2A 7 zz people — proving that they 
\ 1 Je cis batter toad ten dena 


POPULAR SCIENTIFIC MECHANICS. ...41 


This MAD satire of them 
“do-it-yourself” mags is 
} really sour grapes since 
4 we're all thumbs up here. 
So we “done-it-ourselves”! 


HEX MaRKS 
THE SPOT 


.-- MAINLY THIS SPOT—WHERE WE TRY 
TO SELL OUR LATEST POCKET-SIZE BOOK: 


ENJOY THE OL’ BLACK-AND-WHITE MAGIC 
OF MAD'S SATIRICAL NEEDLINGS—FOR 50c 
= use coupon or duplicate —===— 
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850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. 
PLEASE SEND ME | ENCLOSE 
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ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: 


(The MAD Reader O Like MAD 

() MAD Strikes Back [] The Ides of MAD 
O Inside MAD O Fighting MAD 

CO Utterly MAD CO The MAD Frontier 
The Brothers MAD (| MAD In Orbit 


| ENCLOSE 35c FOR EACH 


ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: 


C0 The Bedside MAD [] Don Martin Steps Out 
[The Son of MAD [J Don Martin Bounces Back 


O The Organization MAD 

| ENCLOSE 50c FOR EACH 

NAME. 
ADDRESS. 


CrYy ——__________70nE__ 
STATE. 


Check or money order only—NO CASH accepted 
On orders outside U.S.A. add 10% extra 


CHEAPER THAN EVER! 


Yep, it looks like our publisher is 
getting cheaper than ever! He keeps 
insisting we run these ads offering 
full-color portraits of our “What — 
Me Worry?” kid, Alfred £, Neuman. 
They're suitable for framing or for 
wrapping fish. So if you want them, 
simply mail 25¢ for each to: MAD, 
Dept. “What — Color?", 850 Third 
‘Avenue, New York City 22, New York, 


LETTERS DEPT. 
TUT-TUT! 

The enclosed is a photograph of the re- 
lief carved into the gilt wood box encas- 
ing Tut-Ankh-Aman’s sarcophagus, now 
in the National Museum, Cairo. I'd say 
there was plenty to worry about! 


Tan Graham 
Suffolk, England 


SUMMIT MEETING 


I was about up to here with President 
Kennedy bits, but your article, "If They 
Held A Summit Meeting At The White 
House” was great! 

Denise Ford 
Brownsville, Texas 


Satire in good taste is healthy and de- 
sirable, but uncontrolled satire should not 
destroy respect. Take heed; your jokes on 
the intimate relations of the Kennedy 
family are quite, quite stale. 


No Name Given 
University of California at Davis 


Speaking as a Catholic, a Democrat, 
and a New Englandah, I can only say that 
“If They Held A Summit Meeting At The 
White House” was the funniest, most 
trenchant satire I’ve seen in the last 2 or 3 
years. It far outdoes Mort Sahl or “The 
First Family.” Both caricatures and dia- 
logue were superb. 

Howell Chickering, Jr. 
Bloomington, Indiana What—US worry? We knew it all the time! 
Take a look at the cover of MAD #32)—Ed. 


A CANADIAN BACON 


I'd like to thank you for a wonderful 
magazine. It’s nice to read such satirical 
wit in such a pleasing presentation. Your 
satire of the "Yellow Pages” advertise- 
ments was priceless. I'd like to say more, 
bur unfortunately I'm exhausted. I'm not 
used to this idea: I let my feet do the 
writing! 

Jack Harrison 
Montreal, Quebec 


NEWSPAPER STRIKE-BACK 
In a recent edition of the “Seattle 
Times,” one of the jokes in the humor 
column came from MAD. The paper then 
went on to refer to your magazine as “that 
zany humor publication.” 
David C. Utevsky 
Seattle, Washington 


That's funny! We've always referred to the 


CRON RAN TOM LENEEN FEN BAEEMER sre Ran 
“Seattle Times” as “that zany humor pub- escalviSTime wisi hat ai Fa 


nt"—Ed. 


HELP US TO CLEAR OUR HEADS! 


Because we're all stuffed up with ‘em! Order your 


BISQUE CHINA BUST OF 


enclose ALFRED E. NEUMAN 
sas MAD BUST 
542” Bustis) 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. 
@ $2.00 ea. 
NAME 
Sec usts) ADDRESS. 
CITY. ZONE. 


Check size(s) 
and enclose STATE. 
Probe SBE (NO ORDERS SHIPPED OUTSIDE THE U.S.A.) 


Check or money order only—NO CASH accepted 


FINK ALONG WITH MAD 


‘As a long-time fan of MAD, I was nuts 
enough to be the first deejay to play your 
new “Fink Along With MAD” album. By 
the way, the record makes a terrific flying 
saucer. 1 found that out when our Pro- 
gram Director ripped it off the turntable, 
ran to the nearest open window, and 
skimmed it across Central Park. Some 
guys just aren't as “mad” as others! 

Pete Myers 
WINS Radio 
New York City 


Pete Myers And Friend 


Congratulations! You've done it again! 
I've just finished listening to your new 
“Fink Along With MAD” record album. 
Ie’s a scream, The family is still rolling 
around on the floor, laughing. 

Doug Poust 
Warren, Pa. 


I just wanted to say that I think both 
your MAD records are the best albums 
ever recorded. However, even if Alfred E. 
Neuman tried again, he would never be 
able to equal “It's A Gas!” Congratula- 
tions on the funniest band ever cut! 

Gary J. Bandur 
Chicago, Illinois 


Your “MAD Extra” on the “Fink 
Along” record was the greatest yet! Only 
MAD would have the idiotic nerve to 
present a song and then interrupt it with 
the sound of a phonograph arm skidding 
across a record. I jumped ten feet! I 
thought it was my set! 

John Bienstock 
New York City 


THAT'S YOUR VICE, BOY! 


I've been reading MAD, and I've been 
reading other trash magazines, and I've 
come to this conclusion: I've found 

Some too strong; 

Some too light; 

But MAD has got 

The trash that's right! 

That's right! That's right! 

Paul Windish 
Burlingance, Calif. 


ALFRED'S BRIGHT SAYINGS 


I have one question: How can an idiot 
like Alfie make such wise comments and 
truthful observations like those on the in- 
dex page every issue? 

Jimmy R. Thompson 
Fairborn, Ohio 


I think that the best part of MAD Mag- 
azine is the quotation by Alfred E, Neu- 
man on Page 1. This works out very eco- 
nomically as I can read it in the book-shop 
and clear out before I'm asked to buy the 
heap of garbage wrapped around it. 

homas R.. Strickland 
Brisbane, Australia 


DEMOCRACY INACTION 


I can remember when, to get a copy of 
MAD, I had to travel miles from home to 
a little dive which specialized in hard-to- 
get publications. Now, not only is MAD 
sold in respectable drug stores, but it's 
even well-known enough to receive mail 
from half-way around the world with no 
other address than Alfred E, Neuman’s 
picture. (Letters Dept, MAD #79.) Such 
a success story could happen only in the 
United States. Anywhere else—you would 
have been tarred and feathered after you 
published your first issue. 

Stephen Billard 
Washington, D.C. 


WHAT KIND EDUCATION? 


When I received my MAD pocket-size 
book order, I noticed that the outside ad- 
dress label states that the package contains 
“Educational Material.” How do you fig- 
ure that? 

Craig Barnard 
Kalamazoo, Michigan 


We figure that after you see what you 
got, you'll have learned your lesson!—Ed. 


Please address all correspondence to: 
MAD, Dept. 81, 850 Third Avenue 
New York City 22, New York 


TEED 
OFF 


... WHEN YOU 
am 
NEWSSTAND 
AND THE 
LATEST 
ISSUE 
IS ALL 
SOLD 


OUT 
Z 


SUBSCRIBE 
MAD 


—AND LET YOUR POSTMAN BE YOUR CADDY 
AS YOU PLAY THE NEXT “NINE” BY MAIL! 


= use coupon or duplicate 


MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS 
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. 


Okay! | see this is the only ‘‘course”’ 
left. Besides, I’m sick of your stupid 
“approach shots.” Here's the “‘green”— 
mainly my $2.00. Please enter my name 
on your subscription list, and send me 
the next 9 “‘under-par’’ issues of MAD. 
And now that I'm “trapped” — if they 
don't come regularly, I'm gonna make it 
“rough” on you! It’s the only “fairway”! 


NAME. 
ADDRESS. 
CITY. 
STATE. 


Please allow 8 weeks for subscriptions to be processed 
Check or money order only-NO CASH accepted 


ZONE—_ 


TWO FOR THE HEE-HAW! 


You'll love these 
two MAD albums— 
now on sale at all 
record counters or 
by mail—$4.00 ea. 


MAD RECORDS 
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. 


Please send me: 

(CO FINK ALONG WITH MAD 

Co MAD “TWISTS” ROCK 'N’ ROLL 

Tenclose: 

D $4.00 for one 
NAME 
ADDRESS. 
CITY. 


STATE. 
Check or money order only—NO CASH accepted 


0 $8.00 for both 


= USE COUPON OR DUPLICATE =m mmm 


ZONE. 


Paver MPROVED! 


Doesn’t it seem rather odd to you that so many products on the market these days carry words 
like “IMPROVED,” “PERFECTED, “NEW “ and so forth on their package labels? Well, this 
means only one thing to us: The original products were “OLD,” “UNIMPROVED,” “UNPERFECTED” 


EABEUSIWESH 


WITH 
UNIMPROVED 19° fie 


BLUE BLADES 
Gillette NON-ADJUSTABLE 


FAT RAZOR 10 OPEN: PUNCTURE HOLES 


—AND PROBABLY FINGERS— 
WITH SHARP INSTRUMENT 


Then you'll really appreciate ‘Zip Top” whit 
‘ell suddenly release years from nowas'"Né EW 


ANAK 


CLEANSER 
eo D 

wit" MOTHING 
NON-ADJUSTABLE RAZOR | WEL INCLUDE AN INSTANT CHLORINE pul 


BY Gillette } WHEN OUR COMPETITORS START SELLE Of 


We do have an idea for an adjustable razor, 
but it'll be more effective if everyone 
finds out how lousy this one is first! 


SOME BEARDS ARE LIGHT 
SOME BEARDS ARE HEAVY! 


So some people will cut themselves... 
and some people won't... with this... 


PERFECTED! 


and so forth! (Un-so forth?) Anyway, to play it fair, MAD feels that products should carry 
labels that warn unsuspecting consumers that the contents therein are not the best possible, 
nor the most developed. F’rinstance, compared to their recent counterparts, here are some . . . 


OUUDWESEEN 


PHOTOS BY LESTER KRAUSS 
WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO 


a’ m ‘as 
There Shou 

Id 
@ better way 


and Maybe w, i 
_ think of one! " 


» 


(one of t 
to make them ben! 


: THE BREAKFAST DRINK 
) a THAT TASTES VAGUEL! 
LIKE ORANGE JUICE 


~ 
it maybe someday it'll taste bett 


~~ 


PLAIN PAD 


AIR-VENTS 
Lets Skin 
Suffocate 


UNIMPROVED MEDICINAL SMELL 
We're trying to get rid of it, but it's 
the best we can do at 
this time! 


OLD, MISERABLE PRY- OFF CA?! 
st be a Twist-Off Cap, but we9" 
0,000 of these to get rid of firs! 


“UNECONOMICAL 
SMALL SIZE 


Contains half the amount of the “Family Size,” 
which will appear as new in the near future! 


IMITATION 


Strawberry FLavor 


(‘‘Real Strawberry Flavor” now i 


JELLO 


laced With 
QUIRES TEDIOUS COOKING. ‘ne tat” son 


n the works!) 


eae Ee INSTANT - RE 


7 


HORROR THINGS BY YOU? DEPT. 
A few years back (MAD +53), we noted how Hollywood was 
scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to dig up new 
and scarier movie monsters for their horror pictures — 
monsters like “The Fly”, “The Blob”, “The Creature From 
The Black Lagoon” and “Nick Adams”. We then suggested 
that Hollywood take a good look at the monsters being 
created by Madison Avenue for their inspiration. Now, 
we add more fool to the fire by suggesting these . 


BEWARE!|| | 


LOCK THE DOORS! — DRAW THE BLINDS! TURN OUT THE LIGHTS! i 


The Neighbors Are Coming! (—) 


SEE THEM 
HEAR THEM 
tall I : ours about nething! 
TE Te a WATCH THEM 


eat every drop of 
food in sight! 


AS THEY 


ie 
I Teton NAUSEA 
ie saa 


MANLBox | MLNS): 
ea NHC 


and introducing OCCUPANT 


»'POSTAGE ASTAMP MAILER” wi 
, Tas “The Vietine’? 


Li \ “ i THE WIND  THESUN THE RAIN 


THE BLOCK 
Sra GERMINATED NURTURED COMPLAINED 
m 


IT WAS A DAY OF THEY DUG— THEY PULLED THEY ses 


| l B I THEY FOUGHT IT WITH THER Is ener 
EEE HORROR TSE oTHiNe COWL See 


AIR-CONDITIONER 
STOPPED! 


THEN— 
THE STOVE, THE REFRIGERATOR, THE TELEPHONE, 
THE WASHING MACHINE, THE DISH WASHER, EVEN 
THE COFFEE MAKER SUDDENLY WENT ON THE BLINK! 


“anes | WERE PORUES ay LIVE A SAV AGH 


; REVOLT OF WE C, 


| MAGHINES & 


Reddy Kilowatt Production 


at Tbe saat yh ART Eee: a 


-BUT DID THEY DARE?! 


TERRORIZED PEDESTRIANS 


TRYING TO CROSS THE STREET 


TRAPPED FOREVER 
HALF-CRAZED MOTORISTS 


ON THI 


TRAFFIC 
ISLAND OF 


Ulatle oneen RED, valter FORD MERCEDES, sane 
and featuring “The CADILLACS"— singing “Old Volks at Home" 
POSE 
ae PARIS DESIGNERS WOMEN’S MAGAZINES — MEN AND BOYS 
Wy AA ES HIRED THEM! — PHOTOGRAPHED THEM! 
LOOK OUT! HERE ors THE AMATEURS! TNsGedh ches esttealiamee he} 


Watch in fascinating horror as they and Abominable Hairdos, wearing Grotesque Costumes! 


MURDER SHAKESPEARE | “> WERE THEY ? 


MUTILATE... _~ 


The Rise Of The 
* FASHION-MODE 


' ZOMBIES 


RAVEN RANT i 4 power 
eile Hi KAY DAVVER SKELLY TONN — HITTY YUSS 
if thor TEA aN | 
ae anaes i} ——DELLAKITT LOTTABONESLYKA MANN 
f wit, together with niostweak hams! 
illiam Shakespeare, CHAMLET RRR 2: ‘Sc.2) 


improved on 
eschylus”” 


A pl ensiful lack of 
js? —W 


DON MARTIN DEPT. PART | 


THE CLASS PROGRAM 


cup ale yp En 7 (2M sens 


(ow Coun ciAP\ _—- rc 


TERM WARFARE DEPT. 


Some MAD Observations made while... 


ON The BEACH 


F pcaa 
er 


| Tete 


IN THE TECHNOLOGY ope. coous 
OF THE “COLD WAR” 


MASSIVE RETALIATION SECURITY LEAK 


JEST IN TIME DEPT. 


You often hear today’s comedians complaining about the bookings they get and the audiences they have to 
work to. F'rinstance, many don’t like performing in night clubs where they have to put up with drunks and 
noisy hecklers. Others don’t like to work in front of TV audiences from out of town. Still others complain about 
the conditions at live outdoor concerts, etc. Well, we at MAD think today’s comedians should stop complain- 
ing, and thank their lucky stars they were born in this day and age when people appreciate show biz and want 
to be entertained. If you think it is rough now, imagine what it was like centuries ago, when people were 
more reserved, serious and completely lacking in a sense of humor? Mainly, here’s what it might've been like 


IF 


MODERN COMEDIANS 
PERFORMED FOR 


CIVILIZATIONS IN THE PAST 


If BOB HOPE performed during the days of THE NORSEMEN... (300 A.D.) 


Hmmm! | can’t understand it! Here | 
1 was introduced, and I'm walking | 
out to entertain them, and they're 
not reacting the way | expect 
troops to react... the way I've |} 
conditioned troops to react! These | 
Viking warriors aren't laughing 
} and applauding wildly at the mere | 
| mention of my name! Oh, well... | 
I'll give it a try, anyway... 


Well, here we are in Norseland! 
How about these temperatures? 
You fellows are certainly fighting 

the “Cold War’ up here, aren't you? 

It's really something: 40 feet of 
snow, glaciers, icebergs! I'd hate 
to see what your Winters are like! 


And | want to tell you, you really have to dress for 
this climate! I'm wearing eight fur skins, a fur-lined 
helmet, fur-lined gloves, and this is only my underwear! 


r ae 


Are you kidding? It was so cold this morning | woke up 
and found a polar bear outside my hut .. . coughing! 


if B 


And now, beforewe My nayme—Jose Jimenez! i He's one & Wait! This is a mistake! I'm Bill 
go lito eattle Meth H An’ saat Saar ioueenes | ofthem! § Dana—a comedy writer! Jose Jimenez 
our hated and feared || : y fo my! : - is just a “bit” I created! I'm onl 
enemy:across the sea, f atension before you so: Fi) eo oriany pelle A Na pretending tobe 4 Spaniard! Please 
we havea man who has || _hinto battle with your |_| : —you gotta beli ! You'll neve: 
come to amuse us in jated and feared enemy ) Y ‘ u yetaway with it! Just wait til é 
cou hour of tension, : across the sea... : : EL CID hears about this! 
jat is your name, Sir? : 


ILL DANA (JOSE a performed for THE MOORS... (1080 A.D.) 


ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER 
WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN 


a 1 
NN ‘si \ m 
a ; ; Could you hold up that wild orgy for a few 
And how about the physiques here! I've | \ . minutes? Wouldn't you fellows rather listen 
Ot 


never seen such mighty people! People of 
Nordic stock .. . strong, powerful arms, 
heavy beards, carrying clubs .. . you 
men must be proud of wives like that! 
a oe 


to topical military humor than carry on like 
that with wine and women? Aren't you guys in 


hear you Vikings die with this far-off military base starved for humor? 


swords in your hands! | seem 
to be dying with just my 
Your leader, Eric the Red, tells me you're hands in my pockets! Isn’t 
sailing for England to attack the Normans! anyone listening out there? 
You know what a Norman is? That's a Viking 
who just learned to shave! 


If JACKIE MASON performed during the time of GENGHIS KHAN (1200 A.D) 


And now, Mighty Khan, Conqueror of Asia, 
great warrior, leader of the Mongol Hordes, 
ravager of 3000 villages, slayer of 


40,000 enemies, abductor of 6000 women — 


Oh, gentle, sensitive Emperor—we have 
for your entertainment, after your weary 


To tell you the truth, Genghis, | don’t 
know how | can follow such an intro- 
duction! | mean, | know I'm a hit! I'm a 
terrific sensation! But as sensational 
aslam...asbigahitas!am... 
even I can't compare with the ravaging 


! 


That's some achievement! 6000 women! 
How do you do it? | know back home—I 
kiss even one girl, my family doesn't 
let me hear the end of it! But you get 
involved with 6000 women, and you're 
the hero of two continents! 


journey, a young man from the West— 
JACKIE MASON! 


ii 
i; 


of 3000 villages, and (hoo-hah!) the 
abduction of 6000 women! 


It 


| don't care if you had Mongol Hordes! 
Schmongol Hordes! | give you credit! 
You're terrific! In your own way, you 
are almost as terrific as | ami 


| had quite a journey out here! | came 
by covered wagon! It’s a good thing 
President Lincoln issued that ““Emanci- 
pation Proclamation’"! For a while, 
they wanted me to pull the wagon! And 
when I tried to check in at the hotel 
here in Dodge City, they said, “The 
‘owner don’t allow your kind in here!” 
so | said, “I'll go see Bat Masterson! 
He'll help me out! He's the champion 
of law and order!" And they said, “Are 
you kidding? He's the owner who 
made the rule!!”” 


So | had to move to the outskirts 
of town, But as soon as | did, the 
Indians started moving out. They 
said they didn't want to live next 
door to me because I'd lower the 
4 property values in their neighbor- 
hood! What were they worried I'd 
do? Let my teepee run down? 


Hi, podners! 
I'm what the 
Civil War 
was all 
about! 


Now all you gamblers stop 
your fightin’ an’ drinkin’, 
“cause we got a new funny- 
man... . first time in these 
parts .. . who's gonna tell 

you about some right topical 

goings-on .. . DICK GREGORY! 


STOP! ENOUGH OF THIS MADNESS! |, The 
Great Khan will not tolerate such insults 
to myself and my mighty Mongol Hordes! 


Let me tell you what a hit | am here today! 
I'm doing great! I'm such a tremendous hit 


But if you're going to be such a tremendous 
conqueror, you should change your name! 
Genghis . .. !! This is a name for an Emperor? 
That's a name for a laundryman! Or a tailor! 
But not an Emperor! Now KHAN! That's a name! 
But the first name—it's got to be something 
mighty—names like we've got back home 

like MURRAY KHAN! Or SEYMOUR KHA\ 


So the hotel here wouldn't have me, and 
the Indians here wouldn't have me! Which 
means that not only couldn't | get a 
reservation—I couldn't even get ON one! 
But there's one consolation! They both 
agreed to take my wHiTe horse! | thought 
about doing a “‘Sit-Down” protest, but | 
changed my mind! The only thing you can 
“Sit Down” on around here is cactus! 


here in the Orient, that an hour after 
people hear my act—they feel like hearing 
it again! And | wish myself a lot of luck! 
And | wish on your Mongol Hordes 
whatever they wish on YOU! And | wish on 
YOU whatever you wish on ME! And | don't 
need YOU! And you don’t need ME! 
And that's how— 


Remove this strange foreigner who speaks 
in this ridiculous tongue, and put him in 
the Torture Chamber with the rest of the 

dialect comedians! 


os 


= ma 
Now bring out those 6000 abducted women! 


or EET 


SSL ANS SZ 


Y'know, one of these days, the West is 
gonna have something all America will be 
proud of . . .““Integrated Posses’”! See, | 
know the posses are segregated because | 
tried to join one! But the outlaw gangs 
 — out here aren't! They're liberal! In fact, 
a Negro friend of mine was hired by the 
Dalton Gang—as a train robber! But he 
didn’t work out! The railroads would only 
let him rob the back car of each train! 


All right! That's enough, young 
feller! The audience isn’t payin’ 
no mind to yuh! You're losin’ ‘em 
with all that talk about property 
values an’ segregation. They ain’t 
read up on that stuff... don't 
know what you're talkin’ about! 
Come back when yuh learn t’ tell 
jokes about gamblin’ an’ women 
an’ clever stuff like that!! 


sy ee 
All right, Jim—bring on the 
DANCIN’ GIRLS! 


If JACK E. LEONARD 


—7 


Thank you for that great round of 
. indifference! | wanna say to you 

Pilgrims that | just finished a 

successful three-week booking in 

Salem—introducing the witches— 

and the folks up there gave those 
girls a better reception than 

you gave me! 


AV) appropriate working here at Plymouth 
|= | Rock, because this is the most SToNE- 
4 faced audience I've ever seen! 


2 Take a good look at me! Don't you 
recognize me? | also came over on 
the Mayflower! | was the ballast! 


eer ea 


1 recognize you without your brooms! 


| {knew you came over here for your 
freedoms, but does that mean freedom 


performed at the time of THE PILGRIMS. . . (1620 A.D.) 


Hello there, ladies! | didn't 


from laughter?! 


There goes a Pilgrim with a sense 
of humor—rolling in the aisle— 
convulsed with silence! 


No, | think he did a great job of 
getting the Mayflower to America— 
considering he forgot to untie the 
ship from the pier back in England! |',, 


About the Mayflower's captain—there 
he is—Captain William Bradford, the 
“Smash of Two Continents," or is it 
“Smashed on Two Continents’’?—I just 
wanna say he’s one of the great ocean 
navigators of all time! And as soon 
as he gets over his fear of the water, 
he'll be okay! 


| Faw 


And | wanna tell you—I saw that 
document you Pilgrims wrote on the 
ship—""The Mayflower Compact"—Let's 
face it—a ‘Magna Carta’’ it's not! 
I've seen better written grocery lists! 


M Aren't you gonna stick around for the 


§ That group in the back! What happened? | SS 
Somebody steal your turkey? And that — 
man there—Governor John Carver—good 
to see they finally let you out of 
the Pillory! 


ea! Why don’t you 
all leave, and I'll do my act to 
the ROCK! I’d have more chance 
for laughs that way! 


I 


But serially, folks, | know what a 
hard journey you've had, and | hope 
you find peace and contentment . 
but not on this continent! Australia, 
maybe! And watch yourselves at all : 
times! And—why’'s everybody leaving? SI 


Indian raid! I've scheduled one for 
later . 


JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART | 


Antonio Prohias, who was forced to flee Cuba because he refused to become a 
“Castro Convertible”, brings us another MAD installment of that friendly 
rivalry between the man in black and the man in white—better known as... 


BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPT. 


David Berg has written this article 
in an attempt to recapture that great 


moment when he was nominated as “The 
All-Around Camper.” In fact, he still 


believes he’s “The All-Around Camper.” | | G | el TE. Re 
But since Dave now weighs 230 pounds, 


the best that can be said is... he’s 
an “‘ALL-ROUND Camper!” So here is 


his overweighted-with-laughs idea of &S J DE OD) 7 


she gonna know her 
buy for her! $300 || name tapes sewing name tapes on stuff from the 200 


worth—and she'll you gotta all these things!! 


Look at all this And don’t OH, NO! | REFUSE! Then how the heck is 
equipment | had to || forget the | will not spend weeks 
probably never get 


other kids’ in camp?! 


Eddie, | want you to This nice boy's 
meet some of the kids nameis...er... 
in your bunk... 


Listen, Sheila! All the 
girls in camp will have 
their names on their 
things—so remember, 
whatever doesn’t have a 
name on it is yours!! 


Very funny! Okay, wise guys, 
what did you do with my bed? 


SUMMER CAMP 


WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG 


Stop crying and be a man! =f mashamediotyout) € You're a grown-up young 
Big men don't cry! All T'| ‘Eight years cid and Px fella! Act your age! ! ! 
you're doing is going off carrying’on like'a 
to a wonderful summer camp! | BABY! 


C'mon, Eddie! "1! This is Reno Zuccaro— 

introduce you to the and this is Jessie Gray— 
rest of the kids... and this new boy's 
nameis...er... 


C'mon, you punks, help me =| only did you short-sheet do those things to our 


do it, he'll think 
we don't love him!! 


‘Oho. up inthe tatters, eh? Nasty little stinkers! Not Hey, why do you a "ee if we didn’t 


get it down now! my bed, but you put a frog counselor? 
7 in there, too! 


\ 


All right, we're going to 
practice the kick! Hold on 
to the crib—knees stiff— 
now kick hard and fast!! 


RAKIRAR/ RAH! Ban Look at that poor little 


The kids in the Mess Hall Harold Sokolsky! Everybody's 


viiting {want shem othink ‘" hes YAHOO! Yeppre! parents came but his! Isn't 


isiting! | want them to think i 
Neruns ugby camplGo.tio , sahlya! clplcl4p/ that heart-breaking! 
as it 5 - " 


a waiter! 
noi HE'S, A HEROINES minlgticay 
% a Aa we 


aaiin dee 


Wee A ae 
ty) 


bi 


\ eQuinunk' 


“,.. please keep sending 
those packages of food, 
like salami and cookies, 
because my provisions are|} 
running low! 

Your loving son, 


“.,, and the food at camp 
is okay, but | get hungry, 
around bedtime, so...” 


Okay! Everybody get ready, 
and I'll dictate. . . 


Let's go, boys! 
You know you've 
got to write a 
letter a day to 
your parents— 


Yeah, but 
what do 
we write, 
Uncle 
Murray? 


“Dear Mom and Dad, ) 


tam fine. | hope you 
are the same..." 


Oh, boy! What 

a supper! I'm better hurry 
before the 
line gets too 


Peggy, darling!! We're 
here!! Mommy and Daddy!! 


ash 


VISITORS Day 


3 x 
| 
PARKING f 
AREA / 
[CAMP KEEWAL f 
a [ 


Please, Mom! | { Look how | [Youdidn't] | Your ears | (Now let me) | Watch it, ‘So where's Gee, Harold! ] | Yeah! Your 
Don’t kiss me] | skinny you kiss your are dirty! | | get a shot Dad! You're all the You're lucky! parents 
in front of got! Aren't | | Sister! Go Are you || of you on | | tipping the medals? didn't come! 
the fellows! you taking kiss your brushing | | the diving You didn’t 
your teeth win any 


your Sister! 
1 medals?? 


THIS IS TABLE THIS IS TABLE THIS IS TABLE YEAH! WHERE THE 


NUMBER ONE! NUMBER TWO! NUMBER THREE! HECK IS 
WHERE THE HECK WHERE THE HECK WHERE THE HECK TABLE FOUR?!! 
IS TABLE TWO? 1S TABLE THREE? IS TABLE FOUR? es 


Palm Sunday?! At 
the end of August?? 


Well, here it is—the last 
visiting day! If there's 
anything | can’t stand, 


DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Il 


STEPPING AWAY FROM THE PITCH DEPT. 


When you watch television, and the “Commercial-Break’’ comes on, do you just sit there 
stupidly, listening to idiotic advertising claims? Did you ever stop to figure out that 
you waste 120 to 150 seconds every time that happens? Aren't there more important things 
you could be doing in that time—like making a snack, or going to the “john’’, or taking 
care of other neglected chores? Well, now that TV Commercial-Breaks are becoming longer 
and more frequent, your editors feel that it is imperative that we present to the public: 


THE MAD PLAN 


FOR BEATING 
TV COMMERCIAL-BREAKS 


ARTIST: BOB CLARKE 


WRITER: AL JAFFEE 


MAD EXPERT DEMONSTRATES EFFECTIVE USE OF TV COMMERCIAL-BREAK TIME 


Value of intense training is shown by 
expert. Sensing impending commercial- 
break, he assumes a “ready” position. 


Second stop is his Bedroom—where he 
answers three Homework questions, or 
studies one paragraph in 42 seconds. 


As opening shot of commercial flashes 
on TV screen, MAD expert blasts off 
on well-planned 120-second mission. 


Next stop is Kitchen—where he makes 
2 Baloney-and-Cheese sandwiches, and 
pours a glass of milk in 49 seconds. 


First stop is Bathroom—where expert 
performs chore he has practiced and 
perfected to last exactly 24 seconds. 


Last stop is back into TV seat—with 


food from Kitchen—in 5 seconds flat 
.-.just in time for resumed program. 


NEW MAD PRODUCTS FOR USE 


People in top physical condition can get around much faster and 
accomplish a lot more than people who are older and slower. MAD 
plans to introduce special aids for these slower people to help 


Old Way 


As Commercial-Break comes on, viewer 
bolts from chair, heads for kitchen. 


Old Way 


bolts from chair and heads for door. 


THE WARNING BUZZER 


(Get 


Attaches to TV set. Operates when it 
picks up extra-loud irritating volume 
of commercial, automatically shutting 
off sound. 10 seconds before program 
is about to resume, sets off warning 
buzzer. Good for taking quickie naps. 
26 


THE CORNER 


Due to inertia, viewer loses precious 
time making wide turn rounding corner. 


ibaa 
Z 


A 


Even sadder is when he loses balance, 
hits wall, and misses rest of program. 


ELECTRIC-EYE 


When he gets to door, he has to stop 
and pull it open, losing 3¥4 seconds. 


THE TELEPHONE CUT-OFF 


Attaches to your telephone. When any 
call lasts longer than a Commercial- 
Break, just press the special button 
which produces noisy interference on 
the phone lines, giving you a perfect 
excuse to get off and back to TV set. 


Sometimes he forgets, and pushes door 
open, losing $20.00—for a new door. 


SURE-GRIP OVERSHOES 


These soft rubber soles fit over your 
shoes and make it possible to execute 
swift, safe, silent movements during 
“commercial dash”. Highly recommended 
for large families that sound like a 
thundering herd stampeding thru house. 


DURING TV COMMERCIAL-BREAKS 


them make the most of TV Commercial-Break time. These devices 


will also help the people in top physical shape by cutting down 
the accident rate during those moments of wild dashing around. 


GRAB-BAR 
New Way—with Corner Grab-Bar 


sf 


D> 
eed 
| ee 

- SE 


Viewer again bolts from chair, heads 
for that tricky, treacherous corner — 


DOOR-OPENER 
New Way —with Electric-Eye Door-Opener 


But this time, “grab-bar” is there — 


Hurled safely in right direction, he 
and he can make tight, graceful turn. 


also shaves 4 secs. off his best time. 


i 
Mi 


il 


Broken light beam automatically opens 
door in plenty of time for viewer... 


As commercial comes on, viewer jumps And he passes through s 

up, breaking electric eye light beam. time and money...and mainly, injury. 
MASTER CONTROL PANEL 

This is a somewhat elaborate and expensive item, but well 

worth it for those who want to save up to 50% more time. 

As Commercial Break comes on, viewer presses appropriate 


button. By the time he arrives at his destination, things 
are ready and waiting, eliminating much wasted effort. A 
custom-made hook-up can be designed for individual needs. 


Seeeene soe 


SPECIAL MAD TV GUIDE LISTS COMMERCIALS 


Tells exactly when commercials are scheduled, how long they will 
last, and suggests things that can be accomplished during each. 


MONDAY suiy a 


RONZONI (60 sec.) 
BUFFERIN (60 sec.) 
MANISCHEWITZ WINE (60 sec.) 
QUAKER OATS (60 sec.) PLAYTEX BRA (60 sec.) 
AJAX (60 sec.) 2:39.00 
HAMILTON DRYER (60 sec.) 
VAN HEUSEN SHIRT (60 sec.) 


KLEENEX (60 sec.) 
ROTO-ROOTER SEWER (60 sec.) 


GOODYEAR TIRES (60 sec.) 
RITZ CRACKERS (60 sec.) 

STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 2190-80 

STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 


MELVIN’S BOOKIE JOINT (60 sec.) 
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 


STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 2:30.10 


COMMERCIAL i S 1:58.00 
GUIDE 


2:00.00 


STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 

“ED SULLIVAN" PROMO (20 sec.) 
“CAR 54" PROMO (20 sec.) 


2:00.10 EZ “THE NURSES" PROMO (20 sec.) 
‘DR. KILDARE” PROMO (20 sec.) “OPEN END" PROMO (20 sec.) 
“OPEN END" PROMO (20 sec.) CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.) 
“DICK CLARK" PROMO (520 sec.) | 2:30.50 EZ STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 
“CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec,) | 2:31.00 MINUTE RICE (60 sec.) 


UNCLE BEN'S RICE (60 sec.) 
CAROLINA RICE (60 sec.) 

DICK CLARK'S RICE (60 sec.) 
ROTO-ROOTER (60 sec.) 

FORD MOTOR CO. (60 sec.) 
CHRYSLER CARS (60 sec.) 

MACK TRUCKS (60 sec.) 

“DICK CLARK” PROMO (530 sec.) 
FINK'S RICE (60 sec.) 


2:00.30 


FELS NAPTHA (60 sec.) 
BORAX COLOR (60 sec.) 
DRISTAN (60 sec.) 
PALMOLIVE (60 sec.) 
“CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec,) | 2:35.00 
WORLD BOOK (60 sec.) 

FRITOS (60 sec.) 

SPRING CIGARETTES (60 sec.) 
LADY CLAIROL (60 sec.) 
“CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.) 


CANNON TOWELS (60 sec.) 
NAVY RECRUITING (60 sec.) BESTIBEN KOR GETING THINGS DOME 


SARAN WRAP (60 sec.) “THE TONIGHT SHOW" 
CONGESTAID COLOR (60 sec.) 
ALKA SELTZER (60 sec.) 


“DICK CLARK” PROMO (530 sec.) 
LPO DOG FOOD (60 sec.) 
“CHANNEL 11" PROMO (60 sec.) 
BOOK OF THE MONTH (60 sec.) 
NESTLE'S COFFEE (60 sec.) 
QUICK (60 sec.) 

ROTO-ROOTER (60 sec.) 
MURINE (60 sec.) 

SLEEPEEZ (60 sec.) 

BROMO SELTZER (60 sec.) 
FINK’S USED CARS (60 sec.) 


Gsaee@scasssosssocssgosesaan 


2:15.00 


DASGOoS FoassGsoassgsosn_soaspecesseassgeqss 


39. STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 
2:20.00 CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.) JAM-PACKED WITH COMMERCIALS 
era RGR Roce 24 120-Sec. Breaks This Evening! 
© SUNBEAM (60 sec.) Plenty of time to do the million- and-one 1s 
COMMERCIALS a o Y ing 
FEATURING: THE FIVE MOST IRRITATING SOICK CLARK" PROMO S30 Est) | ig aad a oo oat duel 


0 SOMETHING ELSE DURING 


TV COMMERCIAL GUIDE 


TO AVOID THIS WEEK AND D 


POPULAR OLD GAMES RE-DESIGNED TO FIT 


Many people haye nothing in particular to do during TV to the sickening fate of having to watch the disgusting 
Commercial-Breaks, but that’s no reason to abandon them things. Besides, TV itself has already cut down sharply 


Checkers Scrabble Monopoly 


“TRIPLE | DOUBLE 
WOR” ae 
ORE 


yt. | y 


MAD-DESIGNED HOME 
IS SPECIALLY ORIENTED TO 


TV COMMERCIAL-BREAKS 


Stack Dishes } 
during FRITOS 
commercial 
(60 sec.) 


Wash Dishes 
during CONGESTA 
commercial 

(60 sec.) 


Rinse Dishes _| 
during BORDENS | 
| 


a il 
Put Clothes In Dryer 

|| during MINUTE RICE 
| commercial (60 sec.) 


Wash Windows 
during RONZONI, 
KLEENEX, STATION 
BREAK, “ED SULLIVAN” 
PROMO., & MINUTE RICE 
commercials (210 sec.) 


tron 7 Shirts 
during “DICK 
CLARK” PROMO. 
(530 se 


Sew Button on Shirt 
during NESTLES COFFEE 
and SLEEPEZE commercials 


Dust Lamp 

during FOR! 

commercia 
(20 sec.) 


Wax Table 
during QUICK, 
BROMO SELTZER 
commercials 
(120 sec.) 


Vacuum House 
during QUAKER OATS, 
STATION BREAK, “THE 

NURSES” PROMO., FELS 
bd NAPTHA commercials 
(210 sec.) 


BATH 
ROOM) 


a 


TV COMMERCIAL-BREAK TIME SCHEDULES 


on the amount of time people used to spend playing games. 
Although full-size games would be interrupted too often, 


9-Card Deck. 12-Pocket, 3-Ball Pool Table 


} across 

F “4, Worn on foot 

5. Toward 

) 7. bth letter of 
alphabet 

g. 15th letter of 
alphabet 

9, Man’s name 


11. Go by 


DOWN 

1. Halt 

2. How to tell 
horse to stop. 


The “MAD TV Home” is specially designed for people who 
want to make the best use of TV Commercial-Break time. 
Note that centrally-located TV Room has doors leading 
to every other room in house. This design makes it as 
easy to dash into the kitchen for a quick “snack” as it 
is to rush pell-mell into the bedroom to make up a bed. 


KITCHEN 


LIVING 
ROOM 


BEDROOM | 


these old favorites have been re-designed by MAD so that 
anentire game can be completed during a Commercial-Break. 


Cross-Word Puzzle 


nfole 
me 
Wie 


S 


3. 15th letter of 
alphabet 

4, Long, slimy fishes 

9. Conjunction 


A CURE FOR THE COMMON CLOD DEPT. “FLUNK-ITIS” 


Today, a great deal of time and money's being 
spent to study the special ailments of Senior 
Citizens. Which is okay with us. But it high- 
lights the fact that no one is interested in 
spending a nickel for research into special 
ailments that afflict our Junior Citizens — 
the Teenagers of America! How about trying 
to understand and develop wonder drug cures 
for some of the common maladies that make a 
Teenager’s life miserable? Something like... 


} Flunk-itis strikes its victim when he is least prepared .... like 
with his homework. It is caused by over-exposure to electronic 


impulses emitted from television sets. Symptoms are: Temporary 

paralysis of the vocal chords, and a sinking feeling in the pit 

of the stomach when called on. Flunk-itis sufferers can easily 

WONDE R be identified since they are usually 2 years older than class. 
S the opposite sex while breaking out in a cold sweat and standing in 

e a sudden draft of chilling fear. Symptoms are: (1) Being tolerant 
Ailment S of remarks like, ‘‘It's been a lovely evening—please don't spoil it!”” 
or ‘My parents are light sleepers!” and (2) Accepting a handshake 


for “Goodnight!” Sufferers can be identified by (1) Their consuming 


ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE self-hatred, and (2) Their absence from the Diner after dates, since 
they have nothing to brag to the guys about, and can’t lie very weil. 


Strikeout-itis attacks young males, and is caused by contact with 


WRITER: STAN HART 


“REUNION-ITIS” MAD WONDER DRUG 


NE 


“The Effective Remedy for Family Gatherings” 


we 2 \ y 
Reunion-itis victimizes teenagers of large sociable families. DOSAGE: 
It occurs at reunions of these families by (1) Honor student i 
cousin to whom teenager’s mother refers when she asks, “Why 1 Tablet before “Cousin Club” Meetings | 
can’t you be like him?” (2) Hideous female cousin with whom 2 Tablets before “Family Circle” Meetings 


reunion-itis victim must dance in order to butter up a rich 3 Tablets before Weddings and Catered Affairs 


old aunt, and (3) Pompous Uncle who chastizes teenage victim 
with such idiotic drivel as, “When | was your age, | didn't 
30 have it so good! | was shining shoes and delivering papers!” > 


MAD WONDER DRUG 


MENTAL DECONGESTANT 


Helps Drain All 
8 Memory Areas 


“Snowjobberol” drains all 8 memory areas of the brain, permitting student 
to recite with ease everything he can remember, whether it applies to the 
question or not. By responding to History questions with Biology answers, 
Math questions with English Literature answers, etc., Snowjobberol user 
makes teacher doubt his own sanity, and students admire him since they 
have been taught to have a high regard for anything they can't understand. 


WARNING 


If Symptoms Persist, 
Consult A Psychiatrist 


MAD WONDER DRUG RESULTS 


4 


CAPSULES 


GIVES 24-HOUR SHYNESS RELIEF 


DIRECTIONS: 


Take One Capsule Before Each Date 
Keep Out of Reach of Children 


Each ‘‘Antichickenin” capsule contains hundreds of time pills. When boy 
first meets girl, some of these time pills enter the bloodstream, giving 
him the courage to hold her hand. Later, as more time pills dissolve, he 
gets the nerve to put his arm around her. And at the end of the evening, 
he's got the guts to give her a whammo goodnight kiss that’s guaranteed 
to keep his date awake all night thinking about it. With “‘Antichickenin'’ 
capsules, lovely evenings are not spoiled, parents sleep sounder, and at 
the Diner, former Strikeout-itis victim becomes leader of his own clan. 


then tells her he doesn’t like the perfume she is wearing 
— after first determining she isn’t wearing any perfume. 


“Counterattacktin” guarantees its user to be the scourge 
of family gatherings by acting thusly: (1) When victim 


confronts honor student cousin, he poses questions like: 
“How tall is Troy Donahue?" and ‘What color pajamas does 
Sandra Dee sleep in?” These are areas neglected by most 
honor students so he is devastated and ‘‘Counterattacktin”’ 
user triumphs when cousin's intellect is discredited. (2) 
To persistent ugly girl cousin, victim asks her to dance, 


(3) To uncle who says, “When | was your age | didn’t have 
it so good! | was shining shoes and delivering papers!” — 
the victim replies, ‘1 understand things aren’t so good 
for you now! Aren't you still shining shoes and deliver- 
ing papers?” ‘‘Counterattacktin” is not habit-forming. Taken 
once, you'll never be asked to another Family Gathering! 


31 


MAD WONDER DRUG RESULTS 


P  aeaiee. 


eo bite 
DEALZIN 


FIGHTS 
INFERIORITY 


Dissolves 
in a shower 
of tiny flakes 
on the ego 


LZ 


No-Dough-itis is an hereditary disease. It is 
passed on to the younger generation by parents 
who suffer from an ailment known as “Cheap-itis’’. 
A No-Dough-itis victim can be identified by his 


“Big Dealzin” destroys timidity on contact. The 
voice takes on authority. Teenager intimidates 
gas station attendants with his determination. 


exotic automotive habits. On hills, he cuts off 
his engine and coasts. He buys gas by the drop. 


And the blood drains from his face if his date 


They are thrilled with his 35¢ purchase, and 
fawn all over him with free air, free oil check, 
clean windshield and green stamps. “Big Dealzin’” 
user is so commanding that sharing a Coke with 


mentions stopping somewhere for food. Recently, ; him becomes a status symbol for girls. And they 
No-Dougt-itis sufferers have started a campaign j will beg him to cut off his engine and coast — 
to relieve their plight. It is called “stealing”. just to hear the resonant sound of his voice. 


eee TES MAD WONDER DRUG ___RESULTS 


ae | 


INSTANT 


FINK 


FOR FAST, 


FAST 
BLIND DATE 
RELIEF 


CMORDBIER a 


\ 
Beast-itis infects young males whose resistance When Beast-itis victim discovers he is stuck, 


is lowered by: (1) Mentioning to mother that he ‘ “Instant Fink” quickly unsticks him. By merely 
has a free Saturday night, (2) Having a mother Ends Suffering popping two “Instant Fink” pills in his mouth, 
whose friend has a teenage daughter, and (3) in sufferer suddenly runs extremely high fever and 
Not knowing when she says his “blind date” has 60 Seconds breaks out in blotchy rash resembling symptoms 
a “wonderful personality”, that’s just mother- of Bubonic Plague. Since girl cannot score on 
talk for “She's a dog!” Symptoms are: a sudden SEE REVERSE SIDE FoR looks, she tries to rack up points for kindness 


urge to commit either suicide, matricide, blind- SIMRLE ANDIROTE, 
daticide, or all three. Beast-itis victims can 
be seen walking to deserted movie theaters thru 
dark streets, followed by an eager female form. 


and suggests that victim go home. He tears him- 
self away with great reluctance, heads for near- 
et drive-in, takes antidote (glass of water), 
picks up car-hop, turns disaster into victory. 


OY-VAY ALL BOATS DEPT. 


OFF THE DEEP END 


ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: SERGIO ARAGONES 
1x - s 


WHAT MORTALS THESE FOOLS BE DEPT. 


The characters in the comic strips do things 
that their real-life counterparts can only 
dream of doing. That’s why we enjoy them so 
much. Through them, we can escape intoa far 
more exciting and interesting world than the 
mundane one we live in. So even though they 
act completely unbelievable, we accept comic 
characters as if they were real living people. 
Which is why we feel it’d be such a shock .. . 


IF 
COMIC STRIP 
CHARACTERS 

BEHAVED 
LIKE 
ORDINARY 
PEOPLE 


ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD = WRITER: AL JAFFEE 


If PEANUTS 
behaved like real-life children 
I GOT A NEW ) SO WHO CARES! 


WAGON! _/ ANYWAY, MY DADDY 
|S A POLICEMAN ! 


If DICK TRACY 
behaved like an ordinary cop 


| GOT YOUR CALL ON <6 WE GOT 2 
THE WHATCHAMACALLIT, }] ANOTHER J") 
CHIEF! WHAT’S UP! ONE OF 
THOSE HIDEOUS 
CRIMINALS: 
HOLED uP! 


If SUPERMAN 
behaved like any normal guy 
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO GET TO 


LOIS'S APARTMENT...COCKTAILS, 
DINNER, SOFT MUSIC, AND... 
ROwRRFF!! 


+ pawl 


I WAS SICK \ MY MOMMY'S GONNA 
YESTERDAY! / BUY ME A DOLL 
HOUSE IF L REMEMBER 
TO ALWAYS WIPE 
MY NOSE ! 


LéOTA Y 


SO WHAT! I'M ‘ 
HOLE IN 


ALMOST 5 YEARS 


I'D LIkE! I'D } GONNA GET FOR 
LIKE A GREEN / MY BIRTHDAY! ?! _/ 


SKY !! é 


Y'KNOW WHAT \ ee WHAT T'M 


4) 


ZZ SEM. 


rc 


THE ONLY GUY ON 
THE FORCE? WHY 
CAN'T MAGGIO OR 
COHEN OR KELLY DO 
SOME OF THIS 
DISTASTEFUL STUFF 
ONCE IN A WHILE? 


CAUTIOUSLY, TRACY ENTERS... 


N-NO FUNNY S-S-TUFF, NOW! 
TURN AROUND S-SLOWLY 
AND K-KEEP TH-THOSE... 


MUCOUS - FACE 
GOT AWAY WHILE 
TRACY WAS 
HEAVING, CHIEF! y, 


WITH GUNS, KNIVES, 
AND BOMBS ~~ 
HEADING FOR 

CITY HALL! 


THIS IS A JOB 
FOR... 


pas 


NOT TONIGHT IT 
AIN'T! IGOTA 4 


A HEAVY DATE!! 
am : 


35 


WHY YOU STAND THERE 
LOOKING STUPID, MANDRAKE? 
WHY YOU NOT GESTURE 
HYPNOTICALLY AND 

FIX TIRE? 


BECAUSE, LOTHAR, YOU AND | CAN HYPNOTIZE 
IDIOT, | CAN HYPNOTIZE NARDA INTO THINKING 
YOU INTO THINKING THE IT'S FIXED! 

TIRE IS FIXED! 


ZKUNG GLP 
ARG KLNT! 


OOGA LNK 
ZBRTMIL? 


If BRINGING UP FATHER was about a real couple 
E7 


WS ALL 
SET! 


WY oworce 


\ GRANTED! 
/( BUT HOW IN HECK CAN | VAS 
HYPNOTIZE A TIRE INTO < 
THINKING IT'S FIXED#?!! 


I 
0 
J 
yt 


If DENNIS THE MENACE had parents with normal patience 
= N r rf 


\ 


/ 


Enough is enough!! 


WHERE’S THE FIRE DEPT. 
Sergio Aragones, who recently arrived at MAD from Mexico, made his début 
with the hilarious “A MAD Look at the U.S. Space Effort,” and is currently 


A MAD LOOK AT M 


A &* — 
Sea 
a, = 


filling our margins with his delightful “Drawn-Out Dramas,” now points a, oo 
his satirical pen at a usually un-funny U.S. phenomenon, and_ gives us 


OTORCYCLE COPS 


Sete ecenee ests see ggicec ese Ussies<e7 


SS een eeiscerescore gysecccsesersseicees 


JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II 


And now, Mr. Prohias offers another installment in his contention that truth 
is never all black nor all white—but merely shades of gray. He calls it . . . 


FOR WHOM THE FOOLS TOOL DEPT. 


The following is a MAD version of those popular “do-it-yourself” magazines. As for the rest of this 
introduction, to help you get into the spirit, we’ve decided to let you do-it-yourself. Ample space 


2 Plans 
A Summer House Built Entirely of Matchbook Covers: Complete 


een T RESULTS ON: 
a tile 1963Edselo 
1 ;\s- Plywood Cooking’, | 
) Utensils: 
| £dible Plastics 
>.» Six New Electric Belly- 
‘Button-Lint Brushes 


SATELLITE 
YOU CAN 
BUILD 


Page 132 


ARTIST: BOBCLARKE WRITER: AL JAFFEE 


41 


42 


POPULAR JULY 1963 Vol. 119 No. 53 
SCIENTIFIC 
MECHANICS 


Features of Little Interest 
Fallout Found to Have Cerfain Beneflis... s... 0. sveschs 83 


Human Livers From Foam Rubber.............-.-++-.-+ 85 


Food-and-Toothpaste Combinations Clean Your Teeth 
While You're Eating. . 


Man-Made Lightning Emits Great Big Boom. 


New Low-Priced Kit Converts B&W TV Set To Color 
But Still Doesn't Improve Shows. . . 


Automation and Sex 
PSM Shopping Guide: Buying an Ocean Liner 
Road Tests Show Rolls Royce is Well Made. . 


Putter-Shaped Rifle Guarantees Winning Golf Score— 
Now You Can Shoot Rest of Foursome................. 98 


Surface Boat Quickly Converts to Submarine. 


For the Cumey Crafteman 


How to Raise Surface Boat that Quickly 
Converted to Submarine. .......... 2000s eee e ee eee 


“E-Z-2-Make” Plans for Home Electric Chai 
Target Practice for Crowded City Streets . . . . 
Rebuilding a Crushed Car—For Those Who Followed 

Last Month‘s “Building A Garage”. . 
Drill Press Converts to Lawn Mower... . 
Filling Accidental Holes in YourLawn ............+++22+5 114 


How to Build TV-Type Testing Machines— 
This Month: “The Nasograph”. 


Playroom Decorated in Authentic 14th Century Style 


Forture Chambers cuok aan k Man eee acme 117 
Salvaged Washing Machine Motor 
Drives 80 Passenger Elevator...............e00eeeeee 119 


How to Salvage 80 Passengers from Elevator 
When Motor Drive Fails. 


Reaming Flobzits To ineeaxs Multiphase Bleek 


Grunz Converter Output Efficiency.........-....220205 121 
Explaining the Above Article so Even a Simple Clod 
like You Can Understand It... ........2.0..eee cece 122 


How to Make Counterfeit Money to Pay For 
Fooling Around With This Idiocy. . 


Reduce Your Electric Bills—Splice Into Your: 


Service Line in Front of Your Meter..............20.055 135 
Building a Replacement When Your Wife Leaves You 
For Fooling Around With This Idiocy.................. 148 


Next WUeonth 


How To Administer Mouth-To-Mouth Resuscitation 
Without Becoming Emotionally Involved 


How To Buy One 
Page 93 


Repairing Crushed 
Car Page 111 


Drill Press to Lawn 
Mower Page 112 


ooooops! 


Thought you would like to see the way I finished 
Project #2694 from your May issue. The plans 
i were easy to follow, but somehow I feel that I must 

have made an error along the way. Can you tell me 
where I went wrong? 
Marvin Piltz 
Fleabrain, Ohio 


You didn’t make the error, Marv—we did! Our lit- 
tle ol’ plan-maker slipped up all along the way. 
Where a specification should have read 3” he stu- 
pidly wrote 3’. Sorry! 


WHOA! 

Last year, you published six chapters on Taxi- 
dermy, starting with the February issue. I studied 
real hard and finished your course, but I keep on 
having the same problem. I just can’t get the ani- 


mals to stand still long enough for me to stuff 
them. What’s wrong? 
Sidney Sproom 
Gamey, Georgia 


Actually, there were seven chapters on Taxidermy, 
starting with the January issue, Sidney. We sug- 
gest you get a hold of that first chapter as it con- 
tains an extremely important first step! 


PEACHY 

My family and I built this house entirely out of 
sandpapered peach pits following your plans (Proj- 
ect #1569). We can hardly wait to move in, which 
will be just as soon as we get out of the hospital 
where we are being treated for Acute Pellagra due 
to eating nothing but peaches for the past nine- 

and-a-half years. 
John Malnutrition 
Beri-Beri, Kansas 


GRATEFUL 


I made the “Nuts-And-Bolts Necklace” sug- 
gested in your last issue. It turned out to be one 
of the best things I ever did. I gave it to my wife 
on our 25th Wedding Anniversary, and my life has 
been a joy ever since she left me. 

A. Freeman 
Peaceful, Utah 


TO HIM WHAT 
WAITIN’ EIGHT 
AN'IM SICK 


AND NIN 
LIVE ON 


1. [BverytHine comes 


BALONEY! I'VE BEEN 


HOW LONG CAN A 
WIFE, HUSBAND 


JOHN! WHEN YOU 
GOIN' T'GIT 
A JOB? 


WAITS? 


YEARS 
OF IT! 


IE KIDS: 
RELIEF? 


2} 1 COULDN'T REALLY BLAME JOHN FOR NOT 
WANTIN' T' GO TO WORK. BEST JOB HE EVER HAD 
PAID LESS'N WE GET FROM RELIEF! 


3] ONE DAY, ON THE WAY OUT TO SOL 
THE BACK HOUSE WITH A MAGA- 


ZINE, I SAW A AD... 


THIS C.S.1, AD SAY THEY CAN TEACH 
ANYONE TO'MAKE BIG MONEY NO 
MATTER HOW STUPID AN’ 
SHIFTLESS THEY IS! 
y THAT FIT MY JOHN 
PERFECT! 


WOULD 
JOHN! Li 
OF HOM 


6) A FEW MONTHS LATER, I WAS A FULL~ 
FLEDGED MEAT-CUTTER -- MAKIN’ BIG 

MONEY. AND BEST OF ALL, I DON’ HAVE 
TO SUPPORT THAT NO-GCOD LAZY BUM 
HUSBAND SINCE HE MYSTERIOUSLY DIS 
APPEARED THE NIGHT I FINISHED MY 

LAST LESSON! 


C.S.1. COURSE I THOUGHT 


ACS.1. 


WHAT GOIN’ T' 
TEACH YOU TO 
MAKE BIG 

MONEY 


5] JOHN'S COOLNESS UPSET ME! 

NOT ONLY WAS I STUCK WITH A 

UNBREAKABLE CONTRACT-- BLT IT 

TOOK MOST OF OUR RELIEF CHECK 
EACH MONTH! 


SECRETLY SENT FOR A 
FIT JOHN'S TALENTS. 
LOOKEE HERE! 


COURSE 
\E STUDY 


ONLY ONE WAY OUT! I'LL 
TAKE THE COURSE 
MYSELF! 


! 


CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS 
INTERNATIONAL CST 


2906 Depressed Area Road, Wheeling and Dealing, West Va. 
| HAVE CHECKED THE B81G MONEY JOB I WANT BELOW: 


Nuclear Physicist ia o 
Neuro-Surgeon ial 
t Emperor 
C) Dictator 


Research Chemist 
H Vice Lord 


Int'n'l Banker 
Financler a 
Mad Writer 


©) Shipping Magnate c 


Philosopher President 
Geniu: Kini 
H 
Politician 


Age. 


State Se 
Salary —— 
Left Over For Us 


Present Job 
How Much You Need To Live. 


NEW ITEMS 
ON THE MARKET 


REAL, BUT HARMLESS! 


Most States do not allow any guns sold 
without permits. Naturally, 

people who read this ad, 
have no such permits, But that’s no re 
son to deny them the simple and 
pleasure of owning and fondliny 
ressing their very own gun. So 


im 
ported. these lovely German automatics 
without, firing Naturally, without 98 
their firing it's okay to sell 
them in every’ State, even to kids—but 

of course ONLY aS collectors’ items, 


= FUN GUN + Box 5983, Luger, Wisconsin 
jutlet Tester Cord 
This simple device affords a simple, yet FIRING PINS—ONLY 5c 


foolproof method for testing wall receptacles 
to find out whether current if flowing out or A rare opportunity for collectors of firing pins. Our 
not, Available from “Hotline Industries, In overseas buyer just happened to come upon a large col- 
Dept. Bzzt, Black Hand, South Dakota. $ lection of new firing pins that fit German automatics. 


FIRING PINS, Box 5983, LUGER, WISCONSIN 


NEW SECRET ARABIAN POWDER FORMULA 


MAKES FISH BITE! 


Inexpensive Burglar Alarm 


Here’s a sharp little item. When placed be- 
neath a window, it quickly discourages any 
burglar from breaking into your home. When 
you’ye made your point, an alarm is sounded, 
according to how loud the burglar yells. Now 
available through “Krook-Katch Industries,” 
Dept. Y-i-i-i!, Hotfoot, Ohio, $5.95 each. 


If you've ever been humiliated by fishing all day and not get- 
ting a bite, here is your chance to get even. This secret pow- 
der has been used by generations of Arab Bedouins. When sprink- 
led into water, it causes fish to suffer extreme itching sen- 
sation. Not having any way of scratching, the fish become frus- 
trated, then furious. They snap at anything. No hooks or bait 
needed, Simply stick end of rod into water, and dozens of fish 
will clamp onto it. Caution: Powder's effects last for weeks, 
SO SWIMMING CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS! 


ITCHY FISHY BAIT 
FISHY PRODUCTS CO., SUCKERCON, ARK. 


BOOK OF SOLUTIONS TO al 
1000 REPAIR PROBLEMS |’ aj | 


FREE! OA 


Yes, you'll find the solution to every 
repair problem, and you don’t need tools 
for any of them. Available free. Call 
your local telephone company and ask for 


“THE CLASSIFIED TELEPHONE DIRECTORY” 


Ends Daily Garbage Problems 


Installed in a corner of your kitchen 
floor, this attractive sunken garbage can 
lid ends the messy job of carrying out 
the garbage daily, and makes it an easy 
once-a-year affair, mainly when the basement 
is filled up. Available through ‘“Yeechh 
Industries,” Dept. Feh, Glop, Georgia. $11.95 


445 


| ‘CHISEL MADE FROM SCREWDRIVER 
Filing the tip of a screwdriver down to the 
| widest part and honing it to a sharp edge 
is a quick, easy way to make a handy chisel, 


KNIFE MADE FROM SAW 
iH You need a knife, but the one you had is now 
ea a screwdriver, Well, just file the teeth off 
Hil a keyhole saw and then sharpen up the edge. 


SCRAPER MADE FROM FILE 


Your scraper is now a saw, so if you need 
one, take a flat file and grind all the cut- 
ting grooves off until it’s flat and smooth. 


STEEL RULE MADE FROM CHISEL 
Since your straightedge ig now a file, and 


you'll be needing one, take a long chisel, 
mark off inches, and grind cutting edge flat. 


HANDY HINTS FOR HOME WORKSHOPS 


SCREWDRIVER MADE FROM KNIFE 


Now you need a screwdriver, because you made 
a_chisel out of it. Don’t fret. Simply snap 


off the tip of a knife flat, and you have it. 


SAW MADE FROM SCRAPER 
You’re out a saw now, because it’s a knife. 
‘Well, that’s easy. Simply file some teeth 
into a paint seraper and you're in business. 


FILE MADE FROM STEEL RULE 


If you find you need a file because your old 
one is now a scraper, take a steel straight- 
edge and cut cross-hatch grooves into it. 


== 


Stat 


CHISEL MADE FROM SCREWDRIVER 


Filing tip of a screwdriver down to widest 
part and honing to a sharp edge is quickest 
way to make a chisel — and here we go again! 


SHOPCRAFTS 


FULL SCALE STRATOJET 


HIS FULL-SCALE “STRATOJET,” with a 

range of over 5000 miles and a cruising speed 
of over 600 mph, has been designed by our experts 
so that it can be easily constructed by our readers 
using nothing but serap materials and items found 
around the home and in local junkyards. 

The plans (complete in this issue) clearly show 
how these items can be adapted to the project. For 
example, the jet engines are made out of old tank- 
type vacuum cleaners. The passenger seats come 
from razed movie theaters that have been con- 
verted into supermarkets. Many shortcuts have 
been included to speed assembly. Estimated time 
of completion, calculated on the basis of an av 
age family working during spare time, is 385 
hours. Of course, that’s an average Popular Scien- 
tific Mechanic editor’s family, which numbers 345 
people. The average American family would have 
to spend about 132,625 hours. So set aside about 
14% years, gang. 

But it will be all worthwhile. The advantages of 
owning a craft like this are limitless. For one 
thing, it can be operated profitably as a commer- 
cial conveyance in certain backward nations 
where safety inspections are not strictly enforced. 
It can also be used for personal pleasure as an 
ideal airborne mobile home. 

Now let’s get started: First comes the job of 
collecting the junk materials necessary. A 50-ton 
trailer truck would be helpful, but if this is not 
available, you can always employ other methods 

(Continued on pages 67 thru 3,488) 


LIST OF MATERIALS 


None! This Is a full- TIN CANS 3,746,982 
MET: 7,463,628,100,00 
120 3-seaters for RIVETS (Cont. on pg. 4101) 
40 ee foe 2 Volk: 
economy class. WHEELS: 4 Mack Truck 
2 1-seaters for 


lavatories : i 
: propetters 44,5770" this is 


120 plastic for Ist 
class One each: Hammer, 


40 paper for pliers, scissors, 


economy class 


Bandaids, Scotch 
Tape (Cont. on page 
4101) 


DANISH 
PASTRY 


120 stale one-day-old 
440 fresh 


Built Entirely of Scrap Materials 


FLATTENING CANS FOR “SKIN“’ OF PLANE 


2. CUT EACH CAN 
LENGTHWISE BAN 
1. CUT BOTTOMS* S&S \ 
AND TOPS OFF CAN: i 
. 3. RIVET METAL SECTIONS 
“CHECK TO SEE IF CANS ARE TO RIBS OF PLANE 


EMPTY TO AVOID EXTRA WORK 
OF CLEANING UP SPILLED GOOK. 


JET POD 
CONSTRUCTION 


\\ 
a) 
WITH CLIPS AND RIVETS 


ANCHOR TANK TYPE 
VACUUM CLEANER 


HOW TO MAKE RIVETS 
METHOD OF 


———- FLATTENING 
1 RIVETS 


1. MARK FOR CUTTING 


2.cur + 
t 


DON MARTIN DEPT. PART Ill 


A DOMESTIC SCENE 


Wis 


Come out here and stand on 
this newspaper, stupid! It's 
time for your weekly haircut! 


ok 
> \ ° L 
nine 


JUST FOR THE RECORD 


«THIS NEW 


MAD 
ANNUAL 


IS WORTH 
THE PRICE! 
Mainly, the real 


33% R.P.M. 
RECORD 


we've bound into 
every copy! 
(The articles and 
ad satires are 
the usual garbage!) 


SELECTION Rom 


SHE LETS ME WATCH 
HER MOM AND POP FIGHT 
(N. Blagman-S. Bobrick) 
MIKE RUSSO 


Norick Music, Inc. 
Ross Jungnickel, Inc, 


A COLLECTION OF HUMO) 
R AND 
FEO THESE PAST SICKENING issues 


EE BONUS 


REAL 334RPM RECORD 


at your local newsstand today, 
STOP buy a copy of this latest MAD 
annual, and rush it right home! 


at all the hilarious articles 
LOOK and ad satires included — the 


best from past issues of MAD! 


LISTEN selection tom our zrest now 


album, “Fink Along With MAD"! 


AND YOU'LL DISCOVER YOU'VE BEEN RAILROADED 
INTO WASTING GOOD MONEY ON MAD JUNK AGAIN! 


ON SALE NOW! 


ANNOUNCING THE ALL NEW 


196334 EDSEL 


MHOTOGHAPNY BY SWEDOWERT 0 WEISS, 


ain, the company that set the 


Once a 


automotive industry on its ear when 


it came out with its 6314 models — 


which made all 63 models obsolete — 
5! 


scores again with the all-new 633 


A 


| 


oul 


HH 


t 


iI 


\ 


The '63% Edsel Suburban — a new concept in Station Wagons 


Yessirree, we're taking the first steps to- 
ward “Planned Monthly Obsolescence” 
— when every car owner will be shamed 


into trading in his old June 64 car 


for a brand new shiny July *64 model. 


EDSEL 
A Division Of 
FURD MOTORS 


Pioneers in Planned 
Monthly Obsolescence”