mad_magazine_198_apr_1978

v No.198
"Ti April '78
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967-250

70989"33230

WHY KILL YOURSELF?

i eo , DAS —ZOe a

W
ws /

JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE | gees ge Be ass MADison Avenue |
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NUMBER 198

APRIL 1978

“Most of the people who slap you on the back expect you
to cough up something!”—Alfred E. Neuman

WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor

JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY De FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors
JACK ALBERT lawsuits
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI,

DAVID FRAZIER subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots

DEPARTMENTS

BENT OFFERINGS DEPARTMENT
Some Legendary Wire Hangers

BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Fire

BUBBLES, BOTTLES AND BOOBS DEPARTMENT
“The Dip” (A MAD Movie Satire)

CODE FRONT MOVING IN DEPARTMENT
Y When The U.P.C. Symbol Takes Over Completely

COUNTER-SCHLOCKWISE DEPARTMENT
“Alas” (A MAD TV Show Satire)

DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
One Morning In A Drugstore
Around Noon On A Movie Set
One Evening In A Bus Station

ESTABLISHMENTAL ANGUISH DEPARTMENT
You Can't Beat The System

JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy

LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail

MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
“Drawn-Out Dramas” By Aragones

MINORITY RETORT DEPARTMENT
Kids' Fresh New Comebacks To Parents’ Tired
Old Comments

ONE TO A CUSTOMER DEPARTMENT
MAD's One-Time-Use Products

SELLER BEWARE DEPARTMENT
Warranty Questionnaire From The Purchasing Public

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD DEPARTMENT
Ten Little Businessmen

TORTURE OF LEARNING DEPARTMENT
School Supply Catalogue

VITTLE ISSUES DEPARTMENT
Food For Thought

**Various Places Around The Magazine

MAD—April, 1978, Volume 1, No, 198, Published monthly except Februory, Moy, August and Novem:
ber, by E.C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid
et New York, N.Y. Subscription: in U.S.A, Jos $9.00. Outside U,S.A., 15 issues $10.00, Allow
10 weeks for chonge of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright ® 1978 by E.C. Publica:
tions, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts, and cequest all
manuscripts be accompanied by a stomped self-addressed return envelope. The names af characters used
in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction ore fictitious. A similarity without satirie purpase to @ living person
Is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A.

THE
DIP
(Movie
Satire)

WHEN THE
UPC SYMBOL
TAKES OVER
COMPLETELY

Pg. 14

AMAD
SCHOOL
SUPPLY
CATALOGUE
Pg. 17

YOu
CAN'T
BEAT THE

PRODUCTS

LETTERS DEPT.

PERSONAL THANKS

I am currently appearing as the son,
Lionel Jefferson, on the television series
THE JEFFERSONS, Recently, a friend
gave me a copy of the June, 1977, issue
of MAD which contained a brilliant and
truthful statement of not only THE JEF-
FERSONS, but all predominately Black
situation comedies: 1 would like to take
this time to personally thank you for what
I consider an overdue peak and criticism
of the glossy and false facade of those
weekly episodes, and for revealing the
white-wash jobs currently being done by
all of those White producers, writers and
directors who have their views and atti-
tudes of how the Black man and family
unit should be exhibited to America
through the powerful media of television,
1 must confess that in the past I have too
often found myself only laughing at your
cartoons instead of reading and digesting
all of the nuances which are clearly stared,
No more!

Damon Evans

THE JE SONS

Los Angeles, Calif

DON MARTIN HEAD LINES

Don Martin's “Late One Afternoon In

South Dakota” was very heady stuff!
John Lee
Willingboro, NJ.

I laughed my head off reading “Late
One Afternoon In South Dakota”, I won-
der if Lincoln did the same?
John Copsey
Winnipeg, Man.
Canada

MISHAPS OF THE FUTURE

“Mishaps Of The Future” was a mishap
of the present!
Ashley Schauer
Hebron, N.D.

USS a TRU Tat
OF THE WORST KIND

Yep... . these full color portraits of
Alfred E, Neuman, MAD's “What—Me
Worry?” kid, are our very own UFO's
(Unquestionably Foolish Offerings)!
They're great for framing, or lining
hird cage bottoms or wrapping fish
or training puppies, and we've got
hundreds of other uses for them but
we're running outer space. 35¢ for 1,
75¢ for 3, $1.85 for 9, $3.15 for 27
or $6.35 for 81. Send money to: MAD,
485 MADison Avenue, N.Y., N.Y. 10022

STAR ROARS

The movie “Star Wa considered
the greatest action and adventure epic of
its time. It was wholesome, with
suspended models blown to bits, a
some hero,a plucky heroine,an even more
handsome mercenary, a devilish villain, a
pair of androids; all with no sexual in-
nuendoes. (Just a sloppy kiss of grati-
tude!) Your interpretation of this i
brought some viable answers to thi
chanical Aesop fable, Thanks, guy’
Meriannea Kobenhov
Mountain View, Calif,

Congratulations on the many nice
touches of "Star Roars”, The shadowing,
texture, and overall quality of the artwork
combined to carry off the lampoon with a
believable continuity. Sly inclusions, like
the use of George Lucas as “the man from
the electric company", combined to make
a number of the panels classic.

Martin F. Barnard

Wichita, Kansas

was a definite mock to
but the movie was almost

car Roars
Sear Wars”,
as bad.
Mike Brandolino
Trenton, N.J.

"Stat Roars” was great, fabulous, far
out. Knowing you guys as I do, I'm sure
you didn't planet that way. Incidentally,
T've been spaced out on MAD since issue
#32, 1958. No wonder I'm 29 and still
unmarried!

Paul E. Martin
Freeport, N.Y.

I took one Luke at “Star Roars” and
almost flipped my Wookiees!
Chris Doyle
Ellicott City, Md.

Beedeep! Tweet! Boop! (Translation)
“Star Roars” was out of this world!
Steve Becker
Brooklyn, N.Y.

IF CELEBRITIES ANSWERED FAN MAIL

Your article “If Celebrities Answered
Their Own Fan Mail” was realistic ex-
cept for one letter, Shouldn't the leccer
from Johnny Carson have been written by
a guest host?

Linda Pence

North Huntingdon, Pa.

Your "If Celebrities Answered Their
Own Fan Mail” made me stamp with
rage when I found out you didn’t do a
letter from Farrah!
Mark Tatulli
Willingboro, NJ.

In your "If Celebrities Answered Their
Own Fan Mail”, did Bing Crosby use a
ghost writer?
Dennis Besanceney
Brentwood, N.Y.

Only a deadhead couldn't figure out that
MAD went to press before he died!—Ed.

Star Roars” was beautifully starcastic!

Your rendition of “Star Wars” was a
real cosmic connection. Your best movie
satire... ever!

Debra Alexanian
Ann Arbor, Mich,

“Star Roars” sent me into orbit!
Bill Burg
Sactamento, Calif.

I hope Obi-Wan Kenobi sticks a light
sabre up your nuclear reactor shaft!
Mike Bender
Pasadena, Texas

Harry North's freaked-out and out:

freaked air terminal bar scene may not be

so outlandish, Seems I've encountered

some of the same creatures at "The Bor-

tom Of The Barrel", in Union City, New
(OT ALONE!

Marc Cosgrove

Jersey City, NJ.

Larry Siegel and Dick De Bartolo took
a great movie and moved it vertically into
a new zodiactical plane and brought it
horizontally into @ new zionisphere, How
come you didn’t show Zader being
blasted?

Dan Hite

LaPalma, Calif.

Like the original movie, we're saving him
for "Star Roars Il'"—Ed.

May the farce he with you!
Anthony Scavelli
Bronx, N.Y.
{A be with you!
Mark Hladik
Sale Lake City, Utah

HE’S COMPANY

In “He's Company”, Torres and Kogen
took a totally funny show and made
funnier, “Tacky” should win a ‘Femmy
Award"!
Gregg Solomon
Plainview, N.Y,

CONTINENTAL DIVIDE

Thanks to all the writers and artists of
MAD who have 1 we Australians to
laugh at the American way of life and
who have made us fervently say to our-
selves, “Thank God, we're noc Ameri-
can!”

Marg McCafferty

Victoria, Australia

Yeah? Well, thank God we don’t have to
walk upside down!—Ed.

Please*Address All Correspondence To:
MAD, Dept. 198, 485 MADison Avenue
New York, New York 10022

Unsolicited Manuscripts will not be returned unless
accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope!

ARE YOU FINALLY GETTING NAUSEOUS
DRIFTING ON A SEA OF COMPLACENCY ?

START ROCKING
THE BOAT!

HERE’S YOUR CHANCE TO KNOCK THE WINDS OUT
OF THE SAILS OF POLITICAL BLOWHARDS...

LOWER THE BOOM ON TELEVISION PROGRAMMERS
MAKE WAVES OVER SPLASHY ADVERTISING CLAIMS
BLOW YOUR STACK AT INDUSTRIAL POLLUTERS
AND STEM THE TIDE OF CURRENT MOVIE TRENDS!

JUST TAKE THE PLUNGE!

...and get in over your head!

JOIN

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[] Aragones’s In MAD We Trust
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1 ENCLOSE $1.25 FOR EACH
(Minimum Order: 3 Books)

We cannot be responsible for cash
lost or stolen in the Mails. Check
or Money Order preferred!

wrong “Underwater
Movie" satire! What

There's a
treasure in
morphine down
here! People
will pay a
fortune for it!

Why should
they?! For
$3.50, they
can see this
movie and fall
asleep just
as soundly!

BUBBLE, BOTTLES AND ‘BOOBS DEPT.

Among the epidemic of “Underwater Movies” that have come out lately, perhaps
the most successful (box office-wise) was the one about the young couple in
Bermuda diving for sunken treasure. The treasure, it turns out, was the only
thing of value in the entire. moronic movie. So take a deep breath, hold your
nose, and see if you can etay: under long enough to read this MAD version of

Hey! Get away from thatl TE Clown! That's I} if ere Gee! She's still Don’t both
————— | not marine i ! trying to get out got enough air left

g) of there! Should in her to last her
we save her... .? another six months!

Gee, I've never seen such|| life! That's
odd-looking marine Ii

We're running out of | know these
air! It’s time to waters like the
surface! Follow me! back of my hand!

We found this strange | must ask you 7 | know! | want to know ] It's
little bottle and this to leave! You're But the

| It's a “Deposit
about that It's from What Bottle"! Do you
interesting medallion, creating too much natives bottle you nothing the makes realize what 5¢—
and we were wondering noise in here! are all found! It may but an 18th it with compound

if they were worth any- yelling, be wortha old Century! so interest for 250
thing! Do you have some Noise?!? But I'm “HUBBA, lot of money! bottle!

valuable? years—is worth?
books that'll tell us? [len WHISPERING! || HUBBA!"’
WE
aoe Av /LIBRARY

mh

=e ee =r
There's no doubt about it! | mean the | suggest Er... don't Well, what are How

You have two things that Especially when || bottle... you take you have you DOING here? should
are extremely valuable... | | she's wearing a || and the your bottle | | ahome...? 1

and of exceptional beauty! wet tee shirt! medallion! and your That wasn't men- know?!
=~

medallion None that's tioned either! I'm in
and go home! mentioned Tell us, Mister the same

in this Trees, what are picture
WHAT home? picture! YOU doing here?

you are!

They're trying And == You'reno This is a very interesting development! It Are they .. .2!?
to KILL us!! after we're comfort! i} shows that all the people who complained that
frightened?

All the Blacks
the movie industry was “racist” because there in this movie
the first ra) were no Blacks in “Star Wars” are WRONG!! are BAD GUYS!
thing they want THEN > EN - ae
to do is just they'tl ‘ Dt > Ser
frighten us! kill us! A if

hed

= Su
f Bye!
iN a B23
That bottle contains L! I don't believe LS Because Another Find anything? || Now, listen] | Gee, why not
something | want! So] | _ you! Frisk him!! then we'll nica tacist carefully! | | by tonight?!2_ -——
please give it to me! And | hope we don't have to touch! Lust Not really!
find iton you...! | | frisk HER! of Black ti
We ... we don’t have Hubba...
it! Mr. Trees took it! = | don’t understand!

I want you

off this
man for

But talk
White woman!

There are forty
thousand bottles
of morphine in
the hull of that

Lf

That's what |
keep telling
everybody...
but they think

x Vv Jz 7K

‘Cause | also
tell ‘em about

IN

I'm really
determined

No, to USE it!

treasure

about a

Because
tonight,
I thought
we'd go
dancing!

island by
tomorrow,
or I'll
kill you!

old World War II
supply ship!

I'm just an old

drunken fool!

That must be

worth millions!

J

Why do they
think that ...?

something worth
even MORE on
that old Army

to get that
morphine!

I've got to ease
the pain of being
in both “JAWS”

How come
you wear a

a eeetut
It's what
I've worn || since my

Supply Ship:
TEN TONS OF

CHIPPED BEEF
ON TOAST!

foralong|| body got |
shirt and flabby and] \
..and THIS Vi
To sell it? \

middle-

!'ve set the explosive
charges so no one can
get the bottles! Noy
let's get out of here!

No time to talk! We've LI Like putting on We're going ing — Then we will do the next
got to get back to your |] adress that covers to perform an 5] best thing .. . paint your
girlfriend before she her up! That'll biow ancient Voodoo ‘| body with chicken blood!
does something foolish! | | the only thing that’s rite called i
interesting in this “Mogo Gagogo”’ , not And | must say, the blood [2

whole dumb movie! ! will look a lot better on [I
YOUR body than it looked Zz

The worst part — Sissy Spacek — You're We want to "| don't get it! LT Surelt Why
what ofitis. in “Carrie”! right! know if it's shouldn't
|| they did || _it’s all true! = She has i valuable! It's valuable to Itrust a
to me! She doesn't || to get me if [have it, man who
Isn't it have HALF of|| _by on Let me put anditfs\worth stole our
'? [] what | have! || TALENT! it this way! | | pothing to me if || treasure and

you have it!Let’s | | almost had
become partners! || us killed?!?

This old volume said that a lock ... but the

like this might be from the era Wow! You masterstroke 4) | happened fantastic coincidence, | -"

of Ferdinand The First! | looked certainly of detection to look at a Spanish treasure Because

up Ferdinand The First and | was did some that convinced the back of ship is buried beneath we need

referred to Charles The Fourth, really me it was the lock! |] the Army supply ship!
which referred me to Augustus The impressive Spanish and So let the crooks have |i] line before

Sixth, which then referred me to detective from the year the morphine! We'll [a] this movie
Stanisiaus The Kind . . . to George work on 1714 was... ) = take the treasure!!

The Lefty . . . to Ogg the Idiot... this, Mr.

and finally to Urrrp The Belch! Trees! What? What??

ak &

b

Do you do

What's that for A vacuum Darn it! That won't do |
cleaner?! | | windows?? | | pomestic are Double-crossing Mr. Tree: the job! I've |
4 [it's for sucking | Can |ask ———— help you We're throwing raw meat into got something
the sand off the | | @ question? |\| Onlyif | | isso doing? the water to attract sharks! /)/|_ much better!
| bottles on the —— they're in| | finicky — Pp
shiplitsa LJ Sure!Go ‘i fiftyfeet | | these
| | vacuum cleaner! [7] ahead! [>] of water! | | days!

THIS should attract sharks
| . .. if they haven't already
| | forgotten the last movie ...!

There's been too much To do WHAT with?!? I'm going What color
violence and death | /!” No! You can’t to'set itiibe worth thie are their
over this! I'm going do that! | WANT To go dancing with! off the gamble! I'm going SCUBA suits?
to blow up the ship, that treasure!! charge! to get that treasure
and to hell with the You can have |‘) She'd love that... If you're before the charge

dope and the treasure! the dope!! _ |\ | wouldn't you, around, goes off! Hey, look!

5 you'll get A couple of divers Oh-oh! More

blown up! are headed this way! F racism!

Simple! | told him
to take off his mask
and fight like a man!

Nice going! And we're We're too late!! The
in luck! The gigantic charge just went offi!
moray eel just took horrible

care of the other one! [| way to die!

Where's That's what
Z| Mr. Trees? you think...

This is worth a King’s. ———————= There are two obvious It proves that an old crook
it's amazing | | reasons for my survival! teaches us with no morals, and a young
also keep 18th Century that you 4 One. an important greedy couple who will stop
VAMPIRES away from us! survived! cand .. lesson for at nothing to get rich, will
our times! 2 always WIN in this world!

eal a B ETee
3] ak

DON MARTIN DEPT. PART 1

ONE MORNING IN A DRUG STORE

Gi money back!
The stu att didn "t work!

W) |

ewe ral

VITTLE ISSUES DEPT.

THOUGHT

ARTIST & WRITER: ARNOLDO FRANCHIONI

CODE FRONT MOVING IN DEPT.

04
Well, this is the “UNIVERSAL PRODUCTS
CODE” symbol. It was designed to enable
10989"3323

computers to ring up the prices on your
purchase, Someday, the “UPC’
eliminate surly cashiers who take forever,
Perhaps you've noticed that make mistakes and brui:

ol will

the lettuce! Yep,

more and more groceries and _ they'll be replaced by surly machines that
magazines we buy these days take forever, make mistakes and bruise the
are imprinted with this ugly lettuce. That's. progress! And that'll only
little example of “op-art”. be the beginning. Here’s what we'll see...

-

|| BATES
! MOTEL
[orrce] |

24100 |

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S

f ff

42120905500) 0066:

(a8! ree

THE “UPC” SYMBOL
OVER sig seals

ANN

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| 4101 | 241 |

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Als

AA ll s=S

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A fs TN
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2 ll iz 24100

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Alle UT
ht The 1979
PINSTRIPE

TORTURE OF LEARNING DEPT.

Although parents are aware that taxes get higher every year to pay for well equipped schools,
kids are equally aware that the quality of school equipment gets lower every year. This doesn’t
seem plausible, except to those who’ve browsed through a devilish catalogue that was recently
delivered to the MAD office by mistake. It reveals a couple of interesting things about some
members of local school boards: (1) They enjoy pocketing a fast buck; (2) They also enjoy grind-
ing spirited children down into docile, obedient nervous wrecks. Sad to say, there’s a mail-
order firm that happily serves this crowd by replacing education’s three R’s with its own three
S’s: Shoddiness, Skulduggery and Sadism. Chances are, you’d probably never learn about this
monstrous company unless you stumbled across its secret catalogue, as we did. And since that’s
not likely to happen accidentally, we'll just show you our copy on purpose, right here and now.

‘SCHOOL SUPPLIES F772)
i,

| Ty a
a a D OU VRE eRENeT |

YOU VILL LUFF ITI" |

-79 WHOLESALE CATALOGUE |

=

[2
h
PLASTIC

BLACKB.
ERASERS is

“ONTENTS:

SMALL SIZE-FOR
[a YEAR OLD
porroMs

FOR SCHOOL ADMINISTRATORS ONLY

SALES To PARENTS, CHILDREN OR OTHER

RADICALS Is VERBOTEN!

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: TOM KOCH

LOPSIDED BLADE ACTION lets
this deluxe classroom sharpener
chew up entire pencils without ever
producing a usable point. A real
money maker, for school systems
that sell pendils to students at a
whopping mark-up over cost. Loud
grinding noise is also good for dis-
rupting studies.
23354—“LONG, HARD GRIND"
BRAND SHARPENER. $4.98

“QUICK CHANGE" COMBINATION LOCK
assures punishable ‘tardiness when in-
stalled on student lockers. New improved
model looks like an ordinary lock. But
miraculously, the same combination
never works twice to open it. Kids even-
tually give up hope, allowing school jani-
tors to collect valuable personal belong-
ings when they open locks with hack
saws during summer vacation!
77351—“LOCK NESS MONSTER”
BRAND LOCKS. $14.50 doz.

“SONGS AMERICAN CHILDREN HATE.”
This amazing book includes the hundred
least loved ballads of today's grade
schoolers. Features all verses of such
draggy numbers as ‘‘Flow Gently, Sweet
Afton" and “Beautiful Dreamer."’ Guar-
anteed to turn kids away from music for
life, and encourage them to devote full
attention to the more profitable fine arts,
such as computer programming.
8853—“OLDIES BUT BADDIES" SONG
BOOK : $5.95

ROLL DOWN-SNAP UP WALL MAP en-
ables teachers to win the undivided at-
tention of young day dreamers. Hair
trigger roller mechanism recoils with a
startling racket at the slightest touch of
instructor's pointer. Maps of all conti-
nents available except Australia, which
is too small to make enough noise.
19005—ATTENTION GETTER WALL
MAPS. $14.50 ea.

VISITING THE SCHOOL NURSE BE-
COMES A MEMORABLE EXPERI-
ENCE, once you equip her office
with a prominent display of our
frightening veterinary hypodermic
needles. Watch young malingerers
and hypochondriacs recover quick-
ly, assuming your staff never tells
them that the needles are really de-

signed for tranquilizing elephants.
91117—SURE CURE. HYPODER-
....$2.60 ea.

DEFECTIVE M. & M. BRAND CRAYONS
melt in your mouth and in your hand.
Use of too much paraffin and watery dye
in manufacturing this batch makes cray-
ons become gooey soft when exposed to
temperatures above 35 degrees. A dou-
ble-barreled horror for kids as they get
yelled at by teachers for ruining their art
work, and then get yelled at by parents
for ruining their clothes.
5569—VIVID COLOR-LIVID REACTION
CRAYONS 43¢ box

SILENCE ANNOYING SQUEALS OF EX-
CITEMENT in your schoolyard during re-
cess by providing children with one of
our defective, deflated playground balls.
Squeal provoking games are utterly im-
possible with these lifeless babies, forc-
ing kids to schloomp around in blessed,
sullen silence. Order several, You'll be
pleased with the results.
11528—DEAD, SQUOOSHY PLAY-
GROUND BALL $1.75 ea.

DELUXE TWO-SPEED DRINKING FOUN-
TAIN is specially designed for educa-
tional purposes. Secret setting can be
changed in a jiffy from ‘‘Feeble Drip"' to
“Soaking Splash.’ Helps gullible pri-
mary graders learn never to take any-
thing for granted in life. Also helps teach
desert survival techniques by forcing
kids to go through entire school day
without drinkable water.
2791—DRENCH-OR-DRIBBLE DRINK-
ING FOUNTAIN $129.95

: =
ENCOURAGE PAPER TOWEL CON-
SERVATION in school rest rooms by
filling dispensers with our Rough-
'N-Ready brand toweling. Cheaply
made from semi-raw wood pulp,
leaving plenty of splinters and bark
particles to dig into tender young
skin, You save money as children
quickly learn to let hands remain
wet, or bring extra handkerchiefs
from home.
81442—PAINFUL PAPER TOWELS
29¢ pkg.

SO
INHUMANLY COLD SHOWER lets
you provide an agonizing climax
to gym classes that are not quite
as unpleasant as you'd like to make
them, Patented device filters out
all hot and juke warm water to
make compulsory showersa chilling
experience. Guaranteed to separate
the men from the boys, assuming
you've already separated the boys
from the girls prior to showering.
36471—“ARCTIC KNIGHT"
BRAND GYM SHOWERS
$11,500 per dozen units

e
SPUTTER carck pop!

WHY DEPEND ON SURPRISE
QUIZZES to shatter children’s

nerves when flickering fluorescent

lights in your classrooms can do
the job more efficiently? Teachers
will love the results as they watch
our shoddy fixtures work sub-con-
sciously to turn normally active
kids into docile basket cases. Stock
up on these factory rejects at spe-
cial bargain prices.
90268—FAULTY FLICKERING FLU-
ORESCENT FIXTURES
$8.75 doz.

GENUINE ALGAE SLIME-AND-
GLYCERINE FLOOR POLISH cre.
ates an amazing slick surface that
prevents boisterous youngsters
from running in school hallways.
Also prevents less boisterous
youngsters from walking in school
hallways. Order several ‘cans to
polish up your crummy floors while
you polish off your crummy stu-
dents.
4846—UPSY-DAISY FLOOR POL-
ISH $3.50 gallon

everyone with their deceptively
sturdy appearance. Actually, each
is hand crafted with a delicate cen-
ter of balance that can be thrown
out of whack with the slightest
nudge. You'll want to fill your class-
rooms with plenty of these beauties
to provide shy and clumsy students
with a never ending source of em-
barrassment.
9055—NON-FOLDING CHAIRS
THAT FOLD UP ANYWAY
$32.50 ea.

S
FACTORY REJECT CHALK can be
one of your teachers’ best weapons
in the fight to shatter youthful
nerves. Soft texture contains just
enough hard chalk lumps to assure
one horrifying screech on black-
board before each stick breaks into
numerous small pieces. Enjoy
watching kids suffer from terrible
noise, and then chew them out for
wasting chalk,
29551—CRUMMY, CRUMBLY
CHALK ....$3.50 doz. boxes

OUT-OF-DATE WORLD GLOBES
serve the dual purpose of saving
you money while they're making
it impossible for your students
to pass Geography. Also nice for
young nostalgia buffs who prefer
to learn about the world as it used
to be. These globes are free of de-
fects, and were imported by us
from one of the finest map making
firms in the Ottoman Empire.
28559—“‘OLD WORLD” BRAND
SCHOOL GLOBES. $8.50 ea.

BOTTLED LOCKER ROOM STENCH
gives your gym facilities that “lived
in" smeli. Ideal for newly con-
structed schools where locker
rooms have not yet become suffi-
ciently gamy to make kids ‘throw
up when they're required to take
Phys. Ed. right after lunch. Also
great for confirming the younger
generation's expressed belief that
the whole world stinks.
11527—ESSENCE OF SWEAT
SOCKS. $2.75 per 6 oz. can

SCARY CLASSROOM ANIMALS en-
able youngsters to learn the mean-
ing of fear while they’re also learn-
ing the meaning of zoology. Why
settle for insipid hamsters or white
mice when iguanas and boa con-
strictors are hardier species better
able to take care of themselves
over week-ends and vacations?

{ 8842—VICIOUS BEASTS (ASSORT-
ED TYPES AND SIZES)
$15 ea.

CHINTZY, ILL FITTING COSTUMES can
add a note of comedy to otherwise bor-
ing school pageants. We found these at a
rummage sale in Taiwan, and pass the
savings on to you. Costumes feature
cheap material, poor sewing and inac-
curately marked sizes to assure you that
kids will make fools of themselves on
stage, and turn your next dull pageant
into.a laugh riot.

877-LOUSY LINCOLN COSTUME $6.65
878—-PUNK PILGRIM COSTUME . $6.85
879-CRUDDY XMAS COSTUME . $7.29

MADDENING MIMEO MACHINE lowers
student grade averages by cleverly
smudging key words in quiz questions.
Mechanism is equipped with irregular
ink dribbler, automatic stencil ripper,
cockeyed paper feeder and other illegi-
bility devices not normally found on
mimeos in this price range.

26465—SMUDGY MIMEO $47.50

CLEVERLY REARRANGED CLASSROOM
NUMBERS can induce panicky confusion
among evenyour coolest upperclassmen.
We offer complete sets of handsome
brass numerals, together with instruc-
tions for switching them around on your
doors in a zany new sequence each se-
mester. A great way to increase absen-
teeism in crowded schools by preventing
students from finding their assigned
classes.
33917—CLASSY BRASSY CLASSROOM
NUMBERG................$42 per 10

PRECISION WEATHER INSTRU- yee
MENT WITH ELECTRIC BELL AT- =
TACHMENT automatically sounds
alarm for school fire drill whenever
temperature drops to zero or wind
reaches 40 M.P.H, Completely
eliminates risk of staging drills on
nice warm days when children
might actually enjoy going out- §

doors.
5578—CLANG-A-MATIC, PNEUMO-
NIA-MATIC FIRE DRILLTIMER ~
$49.95 <>

INFERIOR SHOP TOOLS doom junior
high school woodworking projects to
botched up disaster from the word go.
Helps youngsters learn to accept the
agony of defeat as they struggle in vain
to make bookends, etc. Tool defects are
scarcely noticeable, causing kids to ac-
cept teacher's judgment that their own
kiutziness is responsible for lousy re-
sults.

33014—CROOKED TOOTH SAW. $8.50
33015—NICKED BLADE PLANE ..$7.75

WEIRDLY MARKED LAB EQUIPMENT
helps turn even the simplest chemistry
experiment into a student’s nightmare.
These test tubes were picked up cheap in
a small European country that still uses
such quaint measurements as hogs-
| heads, gills and pennyweights. Impossi-
| bility of translating lab results into com-
monly used terms enables teachers to
base final grades on pure whim.

6877—ODDBALL TEST TUBES ..26¢ ea.

QUT-OF-FOCUS SLIDE PROJECTOR
makes all pictures look alike, thereby
ending wasteful expense of buying new
slides for new lectures. Poor lens quality
coupled with non-functioning focus dial
permit you to identify shapeless blobs on
screen as anything you wish. Comes
complete with ‘‘Scenic Italy" slide set
for illustrating talks on biology, safe
L driving or even scenic Italy.
11519—G.A.F. (GOOD AND FUZZY)
BRAND PROJECTOR $79.75

DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

AROUND NOON ON A MOVIE SET

ef)

ee vi sei : etal

if Ne vn { ‘\ ly Hila y AR i
[ Ai na) 7M \\ Hi Vi ih NG
ci lad) ye : ae

Te
ii
!

Nothing to see here!

Please skip ahead.

MINORITY RETORT DEPT.
Most young people look forward to the time when they'll be grown up and their parents will
stop showering them with the same old trite words of caution, instruction and advice that
they've heard almost every day of their lives. Well, forget it! Chances are that when you
reach forty, Mom and Dad will still be counseling you to drive slower, dress warmer, and

KIDS’ FRESH NE
PARENTS’ TIREL

Or “What To Tell Your Parents When They Tell You

‘And don’t smash up
my new car trying
to drag race it
someplace! ‘oma

—~

| promise, Pop! In fact, | already
have plans to smash it up trying to
back it out of the driveway without

=| you diving off
that high board!

Don't let me catch
swim ... and | would drown for sure!

ul
Gee, it'll be hard to restrain myself,
considering the fact that | can barely

opening the garage doors first!

bs os

ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR.

Don't fill up on a
lot of junk food
at the game . . . and
make yourself sick!

Gosh, Mom! What's the fun of taking the
greatest chick in school to Homecoming,
and having seats on the 50-yard line, if
| can't end a perfect day by throwing up?!

All right! Here's ten bucks so
you can go to that party with
your friends! But I'd better
not smell any liquor on your
breath when you get home!

y

Okay, Pop! But since you
feel so strongly about it,
maybe you'd better chip
in another quarter

for some breath min

stop hanging out with the wrong crowd. Hov
parental clichés you’ve heard a thousand times, The trick is to make your folks
that their words of “wisdom” are unnecessary, meaningless
your point across so you won't get clobbered, MAD furnish

er, there is a way to escape those well-meant

and downright silly. And to put
es you with tactful examples of

VY COMEBACKS TO
OLD COMMENTS

ot To Do Something You Weren’t Going To Do Anyway”

ealize

Now, I don’t want you
getting home at any
| 2:00 A.M., young lady!

Really?!? Terrific! And here
| was afraid you'd be mad if
Stanley kept me out all night!

WRITER: TOM KOCH

Don’t be late, dear! You
know | can't sleep until
I hear you come in safe!

Gee, does that mean you stay
awake the whole semester
while I'm away at college?!

Now, don't just leave your bi
parked in front while you're

lock it to a telephone pole!

the movies! Use your chain to

ke What?! And risk having my
in perfectly good chain cut

in two by a marauding gang
of telephone pole thieves?!

y v

Remember what | told
you! Boys don't respect
girls who fool around
on their first date!

| know, Mom! That's why Harold
and I have decided to skip our
first date completely . . . and
begin tonight with our second!

Okay, Mom! But the radio says this
rain is supposed to last through
i] the week-end! So | guess | won't
4 see you until sometime next Monday
F . when my shoes dry off

P| And don't you dare
walk in here with
wet feet and track
up my clean floor

when you come home!

v

| 0,
\ Q
mn

The next time you slam Gee, Mom... | sure wish you
that door when you wouldn’t do that! The noise
come in, I'll scream! might bother the neighbors!

Please, can | let him |
beat me to a pulp again
if | promise to take my

shirt off first, Mom?!?

Now, you keep far away from
that playground bully who
made you get dirt all over

yesterday!

Really? | never dreamed
there was a shortage of
slimy, overcooked broccoli
anywhere in the world!

‘Shame on you! There are a
lot of hungry children in
Asia who would be happy
to have those vegetables!

Well, they must have found
out something about ours...
because they've given him
orders to break up with me!

| really think you'd better
break up with Milford, Dear!

After all, we don’t know
anything about his family!

Okay, Mom, but I'll sure hate
giving up my share of those |
J soggy buns and wet potato chips!

Li)

from that picnic if it

Now, you come right home
starts to rain, Dear!

BENT OFFERINGS DEPT.

SOME LEGENDAR

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE
N |

EAM, —

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME’S
WIRE HANGER

SS 22> ha
RONALD McDONALD’S DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE’S
WIRE HANGER

WIRE HANGER

SNOW WHITE'S
WIRE HANGERS

26

LADY GODIVA’S
WIRE HANGER

b WIRE HANGERS

WRITER: PAUL PETER PORGES

Pe Qe =

ROBIN HOOD’S
WIRE HANGER

TOULOUSE-LAUTREC’S
WIRE HANGER

ROBINSON CRUSOE AND FRIDAY’S
WIRE HANGER

~
AAALRINAAAAAS
t

= M

y t
THE ROTO-ROOTER MAN’S
WIRE HANGER

3
— — o 2
THE THREE MUSKETEER’S ALFRED E. NEUMAN’S

WIRE HANGER WIRE HANGER

{Let's see... ] {1 don't think (There will be no kibitzing of | { \°LL THANK YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN! |
ido believe | | so! To make a | the chef! Here... I'M the i =
| have every: | | beef shish kebob | | chief cook and bottle washer! | i aes ] I, Syl ae
4 ! : /

thing ready properly, you | — 5 bia teil
have to place \] (eRe

BERG’S-EYE VIEW DEPT.

THE —

LIGHTER SIDE OF...

eae)
Yes! Yes, I'll tell f Harold! It’s the Volunteer ) I'm so glad if Why? Are you A No, it's just that I'm the

him... . right away! | Fire Brigade! They need you you're a proud of me . first to know when there's
quick! Schmotta’s Clothing Volunteer the way | want going to be a FIRE SALE! J
| is on fire! Hurry! Fireman! to help people? | (—

(rm coming! |

That's the Fire Bell! All right, ) | | want to congratulate you if Now, we know we can Aw, gee! You mean it
children! Line up here quickly children! You all did that count on you if the was only a DRILL?!?
| and quietly and march out of _| very well! It was a real | real thing happens!
| the school in an orderly mann pleasure to see how calmly |

and cheerfully you did that! ba Dip

ARTIST & WRITER; DAVID BERG

barbecue! What's the menu? |

banquet! What ar
| we celebrating?

salad! Then . . . we're having on a Japanese
| Hungarian goulash garnished habachi!
with Bermuda onions, Italian | © \—
lasagna, Chinese stir-fried \\ |
vegetables and hot French |
|_bread with Swiss cheese...

r
Oh, goody! We're having a } We're starting with aGreek | [... all a {That's a smait }
e

eo
. y
aed

SURPRISE! |( HAPPY BIRTHDAY! | {I baked |(And | put all the | Make a wish) [| What did you wish?| | That everybody will forget how
— | the cake || candles on! One ||... and blow \t — many candies | just blew out!

{ myself! for each year! || them out! \ —

Ney ~ | =

l

r
{smell smoke! | { J'ligetmy | | 1I've looked all) | It's next Can | be of any hel
There must be a| | spray can fire| | over! It's not | | door! What | “——— -

fire somewhere! extinguisher! in the house! an inferno! | HAE XD

= \ | Mie
7| I) | sai

al |

| Are you Yes! Yes! YES! Really? Is it nutty to protect { Are you |
| sure you | told you | did! myself against any possible crazy...?|
| made the You're a real nut catastrophe? I'm especially =v
insurance when it comes to concerned about fire insurance!
| payments? insurance, y'know? | want to make sure I’m covered
in case this place burns down!

4

Don’t worry,
baby! I'll show
you how smart

| 1am! Old Mr.

Handyman will
fix it for you!

-— ———_—.,
Damn! This is impossible!
The engineer who designed
the pile of junk should
be hung by his thumbs! |

I'm so sorry,
but the dinner
1 invited you
over for is
out! The stove

isn't working!

Z

[ What are you) [Light your] [On an ELECTRIC stoven }
yes eS light! = L
\ = 1 /
J / if x

We live in the “Throw-Away
Age”... and this lighter
is a prime example!

You buy one comparatively cheap,
use it for a reasonable time, and
when it's used up, the idea is to

throw it away and buy another one!

| hate the smell of a burning
cigar! Take it outside and
smoke it! And while you're at
it, do something useful out
there, like raking the leaves!

But you've got a DRAWERFUL
of OLD throw-away lighters!

|

| can't bring myself
to throw them away!

\
Ge awe)

Now THAT's something
I love... the smell
of burning leaves!

Well, A CIGAR

is
BURNING LEAVES!

What’n heck is
taking Bernard
so long. . .?!?

Just for that,
I'm taking you
to the candy
counter! I'm
going to reward
you for being
such a good boy!

Hold it! Before Did you

we sit down and | |hear that?
the lights go That's our
out, | want to Bernard

check where the | | who said
“Exits” are! that!

I'm so proud of him!
Imagine, at his age,
having the foresight
to orient himself
with all the escape |
doors in case of a
fire emergency!

open the “Exit” doors so
we could sneak in for free!

Yeah! He was supposed |
|

r

And what's
this one?

It’s very romantic, having
dinner by candlelight! But
I can hardly see what I'm
eating! What's this dish?

French Crépes | | And what's | | Irish Linen Napkin! To tell you the truth, all
Suzettes! this one? How do you like it? these foreign dishes taste

| the same to me!

Viennese Sauerbraten!

Here is a collection of editorials ‘And here is another collection Sol ask you... what The editorials!
warning us that we are running out of editorials warning us not to is there left to burn?!

of domestic oil and natural gas, use the vast coal deposits we |
and the OPEC nations are bleeding have instead, because burning BE

us dry with their high oil prices! coal will cause air pollution!

SELLER BEWARE DEPT.
‘Whenever you purchase an appliance, you're always asked to fill out a “Warranty Card”!
Believe us, the only thing that card guarantees is that the manufacturer will get a lot
of free information about you so he can plot his next campaign to sucker you into buy-
ing another of his appliances. Here are the kinds of questions he'll ask you to answer:

ACME APPLIANCE COMPANY 7-DAY WARRANTY
In Order To Validate Your 7-Day Warranty, Fill Out And Mail This Card Within 5 Hours Of Purchase
NAME ADDRESS__ = == ONT, = STATE
TYPE OF APPLIANCE === WHERE PURCHASED: (1) DEPT. STORE. [] APPLIANCE STORE. [-] DISCOUNT STORE.

LIST PRICE _PRICE PAID. (If these are the same, please make all future purchases
directly from Mr. Seymour Acme at his home basement store)

REASON FOR PURCHASING ‘[_] SAWIT (RECOMMENDED [| RECOMMENDED BY —_[_] THE DEALER, WHO MAKES AN
THIS ACME APPLIANCE: ADVERTISED BY AFRIEND A FORMER FRIEND 80% PROFIT, PUSHED IT

IF ADVERTISING, CHECK TYPE: [| TV. (-] RADIO. (1) MAGAZINE. [~) NEWSPAPER. ("| WRITTEN ON PUBLIC BATHROOM WALL. (] OTHER

SERIAL NUMBER OF APPLIANCE Serial Number Is Located © WARNING: OPENING THE MOTOR HOUSING ON
Inside The Motor Housing © ANY ACME APPLIANCE VOIDS ITS WARRANTY

APPLIANCE PURCHASED BY: (_] MALE. [| FEMALE. [-] OTHER. IF MALE, STATE AGE AND OCCUPATION
IF FEMALE, STATE AGE , MEASUREMENTS __— AND EVENINGS FREE ==

| INTEND TO USE THIS APPLIANCE FOR: (_) HOME USE. [-] BUSINESS. [7] HOME AND BUSINESS. ] RECREATION. [| KINKY SEX.
(If You Check The Latter, Please Describe Fully In Detail And Include Photographs—Preferably In Color)

MY ANNUAL INCOME IS: ["} LESS THAN $10,000. [-] $10-15,000. (] $15-25,000. [-) $25-$50,000. |] OVER $50,000,

(If You Make Over $50,000 And You Still Buy Cheap Junk Like This Appliance, Please Explain Exactly Why!)
PLEASE NOTE THAT FAILURE TO COMPLETE THIS WARRANTY CARD IN FULL WILL RESULT IN EARLY APPLIANCE BREAKDOWN

Quite frankly, this practice gets us MAD! Why should we, the people who shell out the
money to buy an appliance, then have to answer questions for the manufacturer! We think
that turnabout is fair play, and it’s about time those jokers answered some questions
that we have! So next time you make an appliance purchase, cut out and send in this...

WARRANTY QUESTIONNAIRE FROM THE PURCHASING PUBLIC

ATTENTION: he = | RECENTLY PURCHASED: ———
Name Of Appliance Manufacturer Model And Serial Number Of Appliance

AND | DEMAND THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS TRUTHFULLY AND RETURN THIS CARD TO ME IMMEDIATELY!
NAME OR NAMES OF PERSON OR PERSONS WHO MADE MY APPLIANCE. =

DESCRIBE THEIR LEVELS OF COMPETENCY: CUEXCELLENT. [)GOOD. ()FAIR. [] POOR. []RELATIVES OF EXECUTIVES,

WHAT DID IT COST WHAT DID YOU CLAIM IT WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE COST| | WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE COST
TO MAKE THIS ITEM? | | COST TO THE GOVERNMENT? WENT INTO ADVERTISING? WENT INTO THE OWNER'S YACHT?

HOW MANY OF THESE ITEMS DID YOU MAKE IN 1978? HOW MANY OF THEM WERE DEFECTIVE?
WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR COMPANY PRESIDENT? ——.WHAT IS HIS ANNUAL SALARY?
WHAT IS THE AMOUNT OF HIS BONUS? HIS EXPENSES? = —HIS-TOTAL“PERKS??. — Ss
WHAT IS HIS HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER? (SO 1 CAN CALL HIM WHEN MY APPLIANCE BREAKS DOWN)
DOES THE PRESIDENT OF YOUR COMPANY USE THIS PRODUCT IN HIS HOME? ([] YES. 1] NO. (If Not, Explain Why!)

IS THERE A SIMILAR PRODUCT ON THE MARKET THAT IS SUPERIOR TO THIS ONE? (YES. ["] NO. (If Yes, Name It!)

DO YOUR WORKERS EARN A FAIR WAGE? [] YES. (_] NO. ARE THEY TREATED WITH RESPECT AND DIGNITY? CUYES. (NO.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU LIED ON THIS QUESTIONNAIRE? ————_|s YOUR LAST ANSWER ANOTHER LIE?

PLEASE NOTE: FAILURE TO COMPLETE THIS QUESTIONNAIRE COULD RESULT IN A CONSUMER BOYCOTT OF YOUR PRODUCTS!

WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

33

ESTABLISHMENT ANGUISH DEPT.

When Radicals first climbed up on their soap hoxes in our
Grandparents’ day fo denounce “The System,” they ranted
mosily against Big Banks and Heartless Corporations that
tromped on Impoverished Working People. By the Hippie Era,
of the ‘60's, orators had broadened their definition of

“The System” to embrace the Federal Government, the Local
Police, ihe California Lettuce Growers and anybody else
who wore shoes. By then, the victims included not only
Impoverished Working People, but also impoverished people
who wouldn't dream of working. Today, we are beginning to

YOU CAN’T BE

ARTIST: JACK DAVIS

THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE...

a

Sh AUD
GLODD

...there’s seldom an opportunity to vote for an honest
politician in the general elections because so few of them
can raise enough campaign money to win in the primaries.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE...

... banks only give free TV sets to people who open
$10,000 Savings Accounts . . . which automatically
excludes people who could really use free TV sets.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE. ..

34

... the only thing going up faster than the price of gasoline

is the national crime rate, which means that when you have to
start riding a bicycle to work, it will immediately be stolen.

... appliance warranties never go into effect
until you sign a card stating that everything
that’s likely to go wrong will be your fault.

realize that “The System’ has become even bigger and more
ominous than we were previously told. Today, it includes
every computer-crazed clerk, every pompous planner, every
bungling bureaucrat, every managerial misfit and every
inflexible imbecile whose crackpot concepts are waiting to

TT THE SYSTEM

WRITER: TOM KOCH

yy,

. .. TV shows always wait until the very end to announce that
you’ve been watching the first half of a two-part program, just
so they can trap you into wasting another whole hour next week.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE. ..

... traffic signals Iways timed so you'll be
stopped by every red light, unles you drive fast
enough so you'll be stopped by the fuzz instead.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE...

yourself of big money after you graduate, but to afford Ivy

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE. .

x

- + - Most inoculations discovered by medical
science to protect you against deadly disease
have side effects that kill you even faster.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE. ..
| | F

et] A! wi ‘2

a

. +» you need a diploma from an Ivy League college to assure

League tuition, you need big money before you matriculate.

Z

bor Laws prevent your kids from going to work and
contributing to the family income until they’re old enough to
leave home and continue not contributing to the family income.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE...

ds

. .. waiting for department stores to have sales merely
assures you of a wide selection of all that atrocious
junk that they couldn't get rid of at regular prices.

—_— > ! A

... bureaucrats always make you file a complaint form
to report that they've misplaced one of your other forms,
... and then they promptly misplace your complaint form.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE...

=
... your creditors will keep on charging you 18%
interest on the money you don’t really owe, while
you're trying to prove that you don’t even owe it.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE. ..

...there’s no way to land a job without having previous
experience . .. which you can only get by holding a job...
which you can’t land unless you have previous experience.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE...

ry Be

.. .anyone who’s sick enough to need a prescription
drug is obviously in no condition to figure out how
to open one of those “child-proof” medicine bottles.

YOU CAN'T BEAT

eS

... it’s only your questionable word against the phone company’s
infallible computer when you claim you didn’t make 5 calls to the
recorded voice in Perth, Australia, that gives the correct time.

. . . Saving money by patronizing a self-service gas station means
that nobody ever checks your radiator, which means you're sure to
burn up your engine, which means you really aren’t saving money.

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM ae ae

. .. all cars are carefully designed to make

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BECAUSE

YOU CA
meal J

YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM, BEC
i ‘ll

ag:

USE...
Ge. ||

ae
...the only time you’re allowed to
park your car within walking distance
of most stores is when they’re closed.

Z| ADMISSIONS

's impossible to survive a hospital’s
endless admitting procedure unless you have
the wisdom to check in before you get sick.

N’T BEAT

it impossible for a mechanic to repair one
part without breaking at least two others.

.. camping out all night to be the first in line for tickets to
a David Bowie concert only means you'll probably be mugged
and robbed of your ticket money before the box office opens.

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD DEPT.

TEN LITTLE
_ BUSINESSMEN -

Each one in his glory,
Sold their wares in stores like these
Until... well, here’s their story—

ARTIST: HARRY NORTH, ESQ.

Ten Little Businessmen,

Making out just fine;

One clashed with a fast food chain;
The crunch left only nine.

"
a
Oy,

Four Little Businessmen,
Watching crime run free;

One had his insurance dropped;
The shock left only three.

WRITER: FRANK JACOBS

Nine Little Businessmen,
Pondering their fate;
One defied a labor boss;
The strike left only eight.

i
=

Three Little Businessmen,

Praying they'll pull through;

One was stormed by looting mobs;
The loss left only two.

aL

iS

IDEA: CHARLES M. De FUCCIO

Eight Little Businessmen,
With no hope in Heaven;
One received a raise in rent;
The squeeze left only seven.

Two Little Businessmen,

Bankrupt and undone;

One employed “Tyrone the Torch;””
The blaze left only one.

Seven Little Businessmen, Six Little Businessmen, Five Little Businessmen,
Ina dreadful fix; Only half alive; Ina losing war;

One “protection” wouldn’t pay; One was burgled in the night; One laughed off a junkie’s threat;

The hit left only six. The haul left only five. The shot left only four.

One Little Businessman,
Scared and on the run;

ONE TO A CUSTOMER DEPT.

HERE IS THE ULTIMATE IN PLANNED

MAD ONE-TIME

ARTIST: AL JAFFEE

SKYDIVERS LAST RITES/KADISH 995.7 MM LOW-TAR MENTHOLATED CONDEMNED DICTATOR FILTER CIGARETTE
EMERGENCY CASSETTE PLAYER

KILLER-SHARK BINAKA-BLAST BREATH SWEETENER

§ OF EBS
BSOLESCENCE...AN ASSORTMENT OF...

SE PRODUCTS

WRITER: PAUL PETER PORGES

495.7 MPH EXTERNAL-COMBUSTION-DRIVE DRAG RACER SAN ANDREAS FAULT SPLIT-LEVEL CLIFF-HOUSEBOAT

ABSENT-MINDED DROWNING VICTIMS
WHOLE LIFE 8MM PROJECTOR-VIEWER

o

LOVERS-LEAP UNISEX COMBINATION JUMPSUIT COMBINATION LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT AIR-SICKNESS BAG

Ay \y
iy Nii
The Ay

INTENSIVE CARE HI-FI 8-TRACK
OXYGEN TENT STEREO UNIT WITH
OPTIONAL INTRAVENOUS HEADPHONES

COUNTER-SCHLOCKWISE DEPT,

A few years ago, there was an Academy Award-winning movie about a woman whose
husband was killed in an accident, leaving her with no money and a 12-year-old
son to raise. Then some bright TV Network executive thought this would make a
great premise for a weekly comedy series. The result?. Well, all we can say is:

ALAS

ARTIST: ANGELO TORRES WRITER: LOU SILVERSTONE
Someday ->—————————_ But... my Son What | | Miss, | | tam, f Vermin, you're
| he'll | Lady, if | told me you dot | what's | | Honey, get the supposed to
“come want music, were an Agent! know?! | | the | You goulash, switch the
along VII play Sa ee ee || ttn special | | want Miss! PLATES ...
.. the the Juke = —" Jam! Only I'm only a mi || HE | not the food!
man Box! Could an INSURANCE | | smart- gets. roan Na | sf
Agent... nota ass : the NOW you }
Theatrical Agent! kid! ly spaghetti! |—| tell mel! ¥
f= 2

Cr H=

There She went Somebody ordered waffles, Gee, | This | [ That'sALL | [ you | | Sorry,
are out to back here and the waffle iron is THOUGHT isa Ineed... | | there!) | Mister,
customers | | where you in the broke, and | got these the stick- | | somebody | | Did | | That's
in the keep the | | kitchen— crepe-soled shoes on... | waffles up! | | tellin’ them you | | not
place! food, and walking so I'm walking on the hot tasted Nobody slow broads | | hear my
Where's the HOGS on the cakes to make those little better move! not to move! L us?! | | table!
Vermin? hot cakes! | _ hickies all over them so. than
| they'll look like waffles! usual!

Y'know, he kinda reminds Don't Ah know That's | used to You used to Flu... you'd
me of my fourth Husband! it! Ah really | | because a play one | | play WHAT...?| | be turned on
get turned on gunisa of them in by a plumber
Hey, Good-Lookin'! What're by a big dude phallic carrying a
you doin’ after the hold-up? totin’ a weapon! \| symbol!

my High A \/
School Band! [] cymbal!
(3

Look! It's | [What? You gotta be
the heat!! kiddin’! You can’t
t shoot a child on
Nobody try |) | TV! Maybe over on
nothin’, or ||| the “Number One
il blast. Network”. . . but
the brat! |}| not here on CBS!

Don’t be too sure, Honey!
If the producers think a
poor widow trying to bring
up a kid is funny, they're
liable to think a widow
havin’ her kid wasted is
downright hi-larious!

This is the
Police! We
have you
surrounded!
Come out
with your
hands up!

Hey! They're But Smel’s
sending out No, they're isa
the kid! hungry, and restaurant!
——1 C— _ | they want =
What do they] | you to send L_] That’s why!!
want ...a in some They ate
getaway car?? there before!

We are coming to you, live, from downtown
Phoenix, where a holdup is in progress at
this very minute at Smel’s Restaurant...

Hi, Mama! | | TV?! This
Vil be home | | is my big
late tonight!

We've only just begun to live.
} White lace and promises .

How did my song go.

‘Ah don’t rightly know!
They put on a toilet
paper commercial just
as you started t’ sing!

A

a)

The cops If we give up Hold

said, “No|—} now, we can your
deal!” be in jail in fire!
They're | | time for supper! We're
gonna Otherwise. . . coming
starve we'll have to out! We
you out! eat HERE! surrender!

i

You boys ————— > Wa-a-ll, Ah
in blue Just | think you
did a doin’ deserve a
right our nice reward!
fine duty, | | Here's my
job! | |Ma'am!| | apartment key!
he Sty :
PA® /
ee
_——— SS
=N

| They just returned

your nice reward!

C{ The joke’s on them! Ah |
never lock mah door!

=
~

ULES

Another You mean the City
Health Inspector?!

No.
worse!

| was poking around

in the attic, and
| discovered some
priceless treasures
| want you to have!

Priceless

treasures?
You mean
I'm RICH?

This is Din's first
diaper! | had it

+ | bronzed! And this
is the hair from

his first haircut!

Twenty-one! They
That's a lot made him cut off
of hair for his beautiful
a baby! How curls when he
| old was he? | | joined the Army!

‘Alas, don't I know! it's Today is the
you know Hallow’een! anniversary of
what day it Din's DEATH?!

is? Can't No, it'sthe | —————

| you tell by anniversary |_| No, the day
the way I'm of my baby’s — he married
dressed? fatal accident! You!

That woman
depresses
me! Smel,
can | have
a couple of

go out and

You gonna
get bombed?

hours offt

| need some
cheering up!

“| Comparative

Actually, Shoot, Ah specialize in that
I've got an and Ah never went to no
exam in

college! Honey, you're just
wastin’ your time! Cause the

Anatomy at ONE part of your anatomy
Night School men AIN'T interested in is
-and I've

your BRAIN! What THEY want
is a lot further SOUTH!

got to study!

r = ai ST eS
Don’t knock It so “GL. No offense, | So do our viewers! But making |[ When I'm That's a
edjucation! What'd they] | happens, Bill"! Smel but | me acollege manaswellasa || in college keen idea,
Look what it do, put you| |! went to I saw I find it vet means |canbringinmy || I'm gonna Tum! Then

done for me! || in‘a bottle college that hard to | | college chums and army buddies have a you can
of alcohol under | | movie on believe for Alas to date. . . and strike real always
You went to | | and study the G.I. | | the Late that you out with! As a matter of fact, groovy |, |have fresh
college, Smel? oe Bill! Show! went to my old college roommate is chick for EGGS for
college! gonna be visting me today! | a roommate! |} breakfast!

és

Tex

ii z :
Is your LKls he engaged, There

What's He's straight! | KNEW there
college pinned, going must be wrong A regular guy! was somethin’
roommate steady, have a) | something with Just like me! wrong with him!

married, | | social disease wrong that?
Smel? or impotent? | | with him! | | | like
Vl bet jolly

= i! No! No to all that! he’s GAY!

Smel... this | | Rocky, meet the Hi! "ma Hit My Mom = Boy... can | Golly, ah can't wait to hear if Alas scored las’ night!
gorgeous hunk| | girls! The one has a great you imagine Toe Zit
of man ain’t with the big | |a charming, body, and what would he comes! Ton, my achin’ back!
nothin’ like | | Mouth is Flu— freckle- she doesn't happen in =I —
you! He can 1 faced son! || have a date real life FF,
flick mah She's Vermin— |} Tum! Say tonight! if a kid
Bic anytime | ——! ——— | something talked the
he wants to! An! she's Alas! || charming! || She does now! | | way | do?!

C'mon, Alas! Did you hear that?! The After dinner,
J Giveusall | [Freres not much] |manis an ANIMAL! He's he asked me
SJ the sexy Peril tye lace MAH kind of GUY! if I'd like
S| details on gietodioneris If | tocome up
Sj how you hurt [Yana t shoutd’ve | | ANY kind Smel, to his place,
S| your back— |S been suspicious | | of auy is | | kiss mah and we could
S asifididn't 5} When he ordered | | your kind || sweet PUMP SOME
5 know already! |S) ie steak raw! of guy! || pertater! IRON...

F

Jus’ like that?!
Ah mean ...no

“to lift some WEIGHTS"!
ee et

P (waar)
“a os
lu, to ‘pump some iron”
is another way of saying

warm-ups?! No
preliminaries?!
Get right to

wi

a
pl
son

=a!

hat? You mean,
II you did was

lay around with
me dumbbells?

We put down the food
you serve here, and
I made my quota of

Idid my || And I did
usual what |
“moronic"’| | always do!

bits! NOTHING!

Smel, why didn’t You still are! There's | [Gee, everything's
you tell us Rocky | | Y'know, | | Only nowadays, something | | normal! i had my
was a dumbbell ! used | | the only weight wrong weekly date, and

| freak!? We would | | to be a you lift is tonight! | || didn’t make out!

have fixed him weight | | when you get up
up with Vermin! lifter! | | from a CHAIR!

suggestive remarks!

ws

V5

\

tim & ‘s

No... that's not it! It's somethin’ else! Hey, | got it!! Have it your way... | |Gee, how do you
This is the dinner hour .. . and there are no customers! Hold the pickles expect me to
ic Hold the ketchup hold all this
Smel, people That's But I'm It don't |\Smel's Big Burgers stuff! | only
just don't right! 2 paid-up matter, ‘Make us retch up...| | got two hands!
eat in this This member Smel! Fr 7 ith
kind of place is of the You gotta \
restaurant considered | |American| | move with
anymore! un-American! | | Legion! | | the times!

McSmel’s Fast Junk Food
GIANT SMEL-BURGERS

See anything you W smey,
like, Mister .

Flu, hustle on
your own time!

DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III

ONE EVENING IN A BUS STATION

¥ 7 a 5 «LIKRUNK Slay ys”
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Nothing to see here!

Please skip ahead.

WHAT HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
COMPETITIVE NI AD FO LD-| Ni
RUSSIAN AND
JAPANESE For many years, the Russians and Japanese have
ENTERPRISE ESAS gt eR re
THREATENS what this horrendous venture is, fold in page.
TOTAL
ANNIHILATION? FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS!

FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT <B FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “B”

WHATEVER RUSSIA AND JAPAN ATTEMPT TO DO, THEIR STYLE
AL JAFFEE 1S BOUND TO SHAKE THE WORLD. HOWEVER, IN ONE
KIND OF ENTERPRISE, THEIR ACTIVITY IS QUITE APPALLING
A> <B

ARTIST & WRITER

WHAT
COMPETITIVE
RUSSIAN AND

JAPANESE
ENTERPRISE
THREATENS

TOTAL

TO

FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS!

A> 1B FOLD BACK SO “A” MEETS “B”

ARTIST & WRITER
AL JAFFEE

KILLING
A><B

ONE elated Wy THE CITY