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MAC 


MARCH 
No. 66 









IN THIS ISSUE: 

Mimnpnii . 


SUPERB SECOND CLASS 

WHAT THE AIRLINE ADS DON'T SHOW YOU 
ABOUT 

ECONOMY FLIGHTS 

EXTRA SPECIAL PARODY: 

A HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK 

FOR NOW, baby/ 


















*" 


(1) Mrs. Cynthia Hammerschlogg smoked her first cigarette on May 19, 191 0 ... in the attic of her Vic¬ 
torian mansion. Her husband caught her-he sealed up the attic-with Cynthia still inside. (2) Grinelda 
Bell smoked her first "crazy'' cigarette behind the old barn... on an old farm... with an old farmer. 
They were married later-nine months later. (3) Myra Phreeps smoked her first home-made cigarette 
on March 4th, 1911. She passed away on March 5th, 1911. And you're going a long way, too — 
now there's a sick filthy cigarette all your owm 

New Virginia Sicks 


The new sick cigarette 
that makes fat women 
slim, just like that 
fatal disease. 

Regularly Deadly 
or Menthol Funeral 


Yes, with Virginia Sicks— 
You're going a LONG, LONG way 







Editor 
JOE SIMON 


Editorial Director 
PHIL HIRSCH 


Circulation Director 
RON ADELSON 


SICK is published monthly, except January, April. July and October 
by Hewfred Publications, Inc. Editorial and executive offices 444 Mad¬ 
ison Ave., New York, N.Y., 10022. Single copy 35C; subscription rate 
in the United States and possessions, $3.00 for 8 issues. Elsewhere. 
$3.60. Second-Class postage paid at New York, N.Y., and at addition¬ 
al mailing offices. Not responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and ail 
material must be accompanied by stamped, self-addressed envelope. 
Entire contents copyrighted © 1969 by Hewfred Publications Inc., 444 
Madison Ave., New York. N.Y., 10022. All rights reserved throughout 
the world under the Universal Copyright Conventions, the International 
Copyright Convention, and the Pan American Copyright Convention. 
Printed in the U.S.A. 


Art Director: 

B. Wiseman 

Associate Editor: 
Fred Wolfe 

Scanner: 

Carbnnkle-DCP 


Contributing Editors: 

Paul Laikin 

Bill Majeski 

Bob Heit 

Lynn Lichty 

Jim Atkins 

Louise Miller 









Please write to: 

Sick Magazine 

444 Madison Ave. 

New York, N.Y., 10022 

I have considered your magazine as 
a Cultural Bible and have praised your 
articles attacking all the evils of the 
Great Society. However, when you had 
the nerve to mock Tiny Tim, the only 
savior of North America who hasn’t 
been assassinated, you guys are an¬ 
archists or something. I have just 
lost all my confidence in you. I hope 
you will apologize and restore my good 
feeling for you. 

Thomas Buinys 
C/O General Delivery 
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada 

Ed: Tiny Tim wanted to join the Army 
but they went crazy trying to classify 
him. 


I liked the way you put down Man- 
nix. I’ve been wondering about that 
show for a long time. They have the 
most modern computers and scien¬ 
tific methods to fight crime and they 
always solve their problems with a 
punch in the nose. 

Marie Fortin 
St. Louis, Mo. 

Ed: Computers should be used only 
for dating. Right, Marie, baby ? 

Why pick on Mannix? I think those 
scientific detectives are the cutest. 
I mean the computers, not the detec¬ 
tives. 

Rachel Lavery 
Oakland, Calif. 

Ed: We’ll do the jokes around here, 
Rachel! 


Your Sick Award to Mad was not 
only an eye-opener but a stroke of 
true satire. I also want you to know 
that I hate you for it. I always thought 
that they were so original—it’s like 
finding out there is no Santa Claus. 
From now on I’m buying Time. 

Alex Alfonio 
Chicago, Ill. 

Ed: What about Sick? What about 
Sick? 

I could have told you about Mad. 
I’m glad someone came along to de¬ 
flate their little balloon. A magazine 
should be mean and nasty if they go 
in for satire. I think you should give 
more Sick Awards. 

Mar cine Reilly 
Rochester, Minn. 

Ed: The next one goes to you, 
Marcine. 

Attention all prisoners: Send 
money! Dollars, half dollars, quarters, 
dimes, nickels, and pennies will be ac¬ 
cepted. Send the money to 336 Ver¬ 
mont St., Travis A.F.B., California, 
and I will give it to your favorite char¬ 
ity. P.S. I am of course your favorite 
charity. 

Steve Kemp 
336 Vermont Street 
Travis A.F.B. 
Calif., 94535 

Ed: Charity begins at home, readers. 


You really hit the target with The 
Medic Machine. It’s about time some¬ 
body deflated the family doctor. Boy, 
I could tell you some stories about 
our experiences with those pill push¬ 
ers, but they wouldn’t be very funny. 

Phyllis Berger 
Plainview, N.Y. 

Edrlfit's not funny, we’ll print it. 

You’ve got a lot of gall putting 
down doctors and hospitals. How 
would you like to live in an area where 
they didn’t have medical facilities? 
I’ll bet you’d be singing a different 
tune then. When you need a doctor, 
you’d be surprised at how good the 
phrase sounds, “This may hurt a 
little.” At my age (I’m 36) you really 
get to appreciate the efforts of your 
family doctor. 

William Draut 
Bronx, N.Y. 

Ed: You’re a sick kid, William. 

4 



And now to demonstrate 
our new hearing-aid 1 


I'm a “Puro Mexicano” and I feel 
very proud of it. I think I can beat 
any yellow-bellied gringo my size. 

The reason I’m writing to you is 
that I read the September issue of 
Sick and I found in the Sick-cerely 
Yours Section a letter written by a 
Samuel Olney from the state of New 
York. Little Old Samuel says that my 
buddy Gilberto Castro is an illiterate 
fink, well, I dare him to prove it. 

To close, I would like to say that I 
don’t agree with my friend Gilberto 
when he says that this psychedelic 
magazine is plain garbage. I think it 
is the grooviest and coolest mag you 
Americans have ever given to the “In” 
world. 

Bernardo Rosales 
Ciudad de los Ninos, 
La Paz, B.C. Sur, 
Mexico 

Ed: Sam Olney was right, Bernardo, 
believe us! 


I’ve been reading your Mag. for 
some time now, mostly to uphold my 
image as a jerk. All of a sudden, I find 
some of your material actually is fun¬ 
ny. However, this is not a letter of ap¬ 
preciation, but a request for you to 
lay off the funny stuff for a couple 
more months because I shall be 21 
shortly, and as an official adult, I 
would be forced to abandon “Sick," 
since it is a Kid’s Mag. I’d like to 
think that I’m not missing anything. 
By the way, I’d like to write some 
girls, who regretably, like me, have 
reached adulthood (females reach 
adulthood at 18). Danke. 

Richard Hall 
190 Chili Ave. 
Rochester, N.Y. 

Ed: Kid’s mag? Are you kidding! Hu¬ 
bert Humphrey, George Wallace and 
Dick Gregory all got their campaign 
plans from Sick! Dick Nixon is too old. 
He was always too old. 



“There's been a lot of that bug goin' around lately!" 


I really liked your August issue; I 
bought it personally. I enjoyed “101 
Hippie Jokes.” I think your magazine 
is really something else. I am 9 years 
old. 

David Hurlburt 
Cudaky, California 

Ed: Sick is not for kids, kid! 



My mother is a teacher and she 
hung the Teacher Corps poster in her 
classroom. Now the kids think she’s 
real hip. That was a cool idea, wasn’t 
it? 

Milton Glazer 
Los Angeles, Calif. 


Ed: No. 

I tried to join the Teacher Corps 
but I can't seem to find my local re¬ 
cruiting board. Can you help me? 

Larry Torres 
New York 


Ed: No. 

Your “Future Ads for Subways” 
made the subway ride seem like a 
great adventure. When I come to 
New York, I plan to spend a whole 
day on the subway. I hope it lives 
up to my expectations. 

Pat Howell 
San Diego 

Ed: We hope you live through it. 


5 






NEW DR.UGS FOR HlPPiB 


A recent survey has disclosed that Hippies are growing 
bored with LSD, opium, and marijuana. They are switching 
to more powerful stimulants. Some of these new drugs can 
be extremely dangerous to the Hippie if applied improperly, 
and the authorities are alarmed! 




SHAMPOO 


Warning: Should only be taken internally! If 
accidentally spilled upon the hair all the wild 
life there might drown!! 


Art by Bob Taylor 
Script by Bob Heit 


DEODORANT 

Licking this mysterious substance results in 
fantastic psychedelic trips. Extreme care must 
be taken, however, not to permit this powerful 
stimulant to ever drip down to armpits! The 
destructive effect it would have upon the odors 
accumulating there over the years may prove 
fatal or worse!! 


DISINFECTANT 
To apply properly, the container should be 
held in either the left or right hand and banged 
vigorously against the skull until the "trip” be¬ 
gins. Great care must be taken lest the finger 
accidentally come into contact with the spray 
button, or the results may prove fatal! 







H 2 0 

Almost all Hippies are still terrified of this 
most potent drug, and will not use it. If applied 
in large dosages it can completely demolish his 
image! However, it has one effect which a grow¬ 
ing number of them are finding increasingly 
difficult to resist. When dabbed in tiny amounts 
upon the dirt that is caked on their bodies, it 
produces MUD! 


TOOTHPASTE 

Has great psychedelic effect if placed in ears. 
Great care must be taken, however, not to per¬ 
mit this powerful substance to ever touch the 
teeth! The sediment that has been accumulating 
there over the years may be utterly destroyed! 


AFTER-SHAVE LOTION 
This is the only new drug that cannot do any 
harm since the beard will completely absorb the 
liquid before it can come into contact with the 
skin. 

Applied to the beard it will help to make the 
flowers grow. 


SOAP 

Excellent for sniffing. However, extreme cau¬ 
tion must be exercised to prevent it from coming 
into contact with any skin surface. As a precau¬ 
tionary measure this substance should only be 
handled with 10 foot prongs. 








It’s happened, baby! Through the magic of the 
"boob tube,” the youth movement has finally 
succeeded in infiltrating the last bastion of 
Establishment authority—The Fuzz! 

In this Ding Dong School for violence, a trio 
of teen-age losers are given a chance to redeem 
themselves in the eyes of society, by the simple 
expedient of helping law enforcement officers 
in their never ending search into wrong-doing- 
in other words, they’re finks! 

In this program, the accent is strictly on 
youth. In fact, during every station-break, they 
have to burp the director. The basic premise 
of the show is that these discotheque dicks 
have the youth, the guts, and the nerve to go 
where the average cops dare not go. This was 
proven on their very first case, where the two 
guys were picked up for loitering in the Ladies’ 
Room—waiting for their date—the third mem¬ 
ber of the trio called: 


Art by BID Robinson 
Script by Fred Wolfe 


Yeah, like a hot car or a 
supermarket payroll. 
Come on, O'Reilly, let’s 
cut all this noble jazz. 
What’s the real reason 
you’d like to see them 
out of jail? 


I O'Reilly, whose crazy 
scheme was this to use 
junior delinquents to 
catch senior delinquents? 


I'm still not too sure 
these Little League 
losers will make it on 
the force. 


Bitten, Botten, Dursweig 
and Osgood, our adver¬ 
tising agency. Who else 
thinks up these kooky 
program ideas? 


They’re holding the 
warden for ransom. 
Chief, at least look at 
their records. They’ve 
only committed some 
very mild crimes. 


Mild crimes?! Are you 
serious? Robbery, kidnap, 
arson and indecent 
exposure. This is the 
worst record I ever saw! 


Force, shmorce. Who 
cares! As long as they 
make it on the ratings. 
After all, these kids on 
The Clod Squad are black 
and white, rich and 
poor-how can we miss? 

Besides, chief, you've 
got these kids all wrong. 
All they need is one 
decent break. They’re 
still searching 
desperately for some¬ 
thing of value; something 
to grab onto. 


No, no, chief, that one 
belongs to the trial judge! 


8 













What's so bad about that? 


Hmm. This last one 
presents a problem. This 
girl was arrested for 
keeping bad company. 
In fact, it says here her 
mother is a streetwalker. 


All right, let me see, 
now. This is the record 
of the rich white kid. 
Hmm. It seems he made 
a killing on Wall Street. 


Out of George Wallace's 
mouth? 


It was his broker! Let's 
see this next record. 
Well, well, this colored 
kid stole a watermelon. 


That does sound a bit 
gamey. Why don’t we 
just change the record 
to read—“mother in 
public relations"? 


Good thinking! By the 
way, O’Reilly, have you 
ever thought of going 
into politics, or don’t you 
have a show business 
background? 

Okay, bring the kids in. 


Hi, Whitey! Wanna buy 
a bike? 


Don’t they ever use 


doors? 


What am I saying? Get 
off my lap, young lady! 


Business? Say, that 
reminds me, I have to 
check the ticker. 
Hmm. I.B.M. went up 
ten points. Okay, chief, 
now I can afford to 
listen to your 
proposition. 


All right, you three, calm 
down and let’s get right 
to business. 


And speaking of 
propositions, chiefie, 1 
bet your wife doesn’t 
understand you one bit. 


i 

a 

As a matter of fact, Bess 
and 1 haven’t been 
getting along lately. 


















































Your behavior is wanton, 
disgraceful, and down¬ 
right sinful, and we'll 
discuss this matter later 
-Say eight o’clock at 
my apartment? 


All right, O’Reilly, fill 
them in on their 
assignment. 


This case should be right 
up your alley, kids. We’re 
out to get a monster 
who, I'm sure you’ll 
agree, deserves every¬ 
thing he’s got coming. 


Cool it. man. Like we’re 
the non-violent type. We 
don’t dig the strongarm 
scene for criminals. You 
should get with the new 
groovy social bit. 
Punishment is out, love 
is "in.” 


Right, even my daddy 
forgave F.D.R. long, 
long ago. 


Yes, no matter what a 
man does, we forgive 
him. No crime is ever 
too terrible to forgive. 


Like I was saying, this 
guy we're after is out 
to destroy Rock and Roll 


What? 

Destroy Rock and 
Roll? Where’s my 
zip-gun?! 


There, I’m glad to see 
that you’re finally taking 
your duties as law- 
abiding citizens seriously. 


Yes, we know he's out to 
wreck the Rock record 
industry. Last week we 
almost caught him in 
one of the company’s 
vaults, smashing some 
old classics from way 
back in the Presley era. 


Did he leave any clues? 


Have you got any leads 
on this fiend 7 






































































When he stomped on 
Presley’s: "Blue Suede 
Shoes," we noticed a 
definite aroma of 
distilled grapes clinging 
to the nap. 


Sounds like some kind 
of wino to me. 


What kind of place is 
that? 


Precisely. We also found, 
on the floor, an old lead 
sheet of the "Beer Barrel 
Polka," proving that he’s 
a music lover from the 
old school. And the only 
old school I know where 
they serve liquor is this 
dance hall for arthritic 
swingers down the street. 


It’s a discotheque for 
the Medicare set. 


I’ve already lined up a 
job for you three as the 
new group playing there 
this weekend, so keep 
your eyes open, and your 
hands out of the 
customers’ pockets. Any¬ 
thing you want to cover, 
chief? 


Speaking of covers. 
Young lady, there's just 
one thing I want you to 
remember. 


My apartment number 
is 5B! 


mCFFM^yOUHOOO/ 


Hmm. No wonder the 
sign says: “Run, do not 
walk to the nearest exit. 
Wait a second, the 
cigarette girl is giving 
us the eye. I think she 
wants to attract our 
attention. Say, why is 
she wearing road map 
directions on her legs? 


I think we’re going to 
have a hard time finding 
that wino in this place. 
All they seem to drink 
here is prune juice. 


The Clod Squad is now 
playing in the "Slipped- 
Disc Discotheque," where 
the Big Sound is the 
hardening of arteries. 















































The man who is out to 
destroy Rock and Roll 
can be found at Jack 
Benny's New Year's 
party. 


Those aren't road map 
directions, you idiot! 
Those are varicose veins! 


Cigars, cigarettes, hot 
chicken soup? 

Hello, boys, I’m a special 
agent sent by the chief. 
I've got some information 


Lay it on us, granny, 


That’s your story, sister! 


You've got to trust me, 
sonny. 


The Clod Squad enters Jack Benny's apartment, disguised 
as entertainers, while the New Year’s party is in full swing. 


We know, already! 


Come on, everybody, dig 


Why did you shoot that 
nice old lady in the gut? |]| 

I I never trust anyone 
over thirty. 


Patience, Dean, it’s 
coming right up. My piggy 
bank only had enough 
left to either hire a band 
or buy liquor. But after 
careful thought and a 
lot of finageling, I was 
able to do both. So, 
without further ado, I 
present the highlight of 
the evening, Lawrence 
Welk and his champagne 
music! Pour it out, 
Lawrence, baby! 


Here, have a potato chip. 

It isn’t “Lay’s," so you 
won't be able to eat more 
than one. 


When I was The Fugitive, 
I ate better than this in 
hobo jungles. 

Hey, you kids. Be 
careful how many hors 
d'oeuvres you eat— 
they're all numbered! 


Hey, Jack. Where’s the 
booze? Who ever heard 
of a New Year's party 
without a drop of liquor? 


. on that wino you re 

mri looking for. 


» m — 


'NbmmL:' 


























































Lawrence, when you take 
your break, would you 
like a nice lox and roll? 


Did you say Rock and 
Roll? I can't stand it! 
Polkas are the only songs 
worth playing! Where 
are their terrible records? 
I’ll destroy them all! 


Of course. We should 
have known! 


The enemy of Rock and 
Roll!!! 


Great work, kids. I’m 
proud of you. I know 
going straight is tough. 
So, if you ever get the 
urge to return to crime 
and decide to hold up 
a bank, I want you to 
promise me one thing. 


Okay, O’Reilly, take him 
away! If he gives you 
any trouble, put on an 
L.P. of the Beatles. 


And a one, and a two, 
and a three. It’s the only 
true music, I tell you! 


We split down the 
middle! 


























































































































































































warn 




fho messed t ! 
ighborhoods 
OW’S CITIES 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR DOGS 

Dogs mess up the streets even more than litterbugs. 
That’s better than messing up a house, right? A dog 
should have his place in the city. That place should con¬ 
sist of nothing but trees and fire hydrants. The trees 
would be fertilized and the hydrants could be turned 
on periodically to wash away the awful smell. 


fMyatu 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR MOTORISTS 

Aggressive drivers could take out their hostilities on 
pedestrians in one section of the city that is free of 
sidewalks. By keeping this area in the center of the 
city, rather than making it part of a speedway, it would 
be more sport for the city driver, who would have a bet- 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR PEDESTRIANS 

Narrow one-lane roads and enormous sidewalks would 
make a v/alk in the city safe because traffic would con¬ 


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14 


ter chance against the pedestrian. 


stantly be at a complete stop. 





































A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR TV COMPANIES 

Let the television sponsors louse up their own neigh 
borhood as well as the airwaves. 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR PHYLLIS DILLER 

Phyllis should be isolated in this section employing 
hundreds of beauty parlor operators. 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR FRANK SINATRA 

Sinatra wants to leave the city. We think the city should 
leave Sinatra. Move his area into the country, that way 
we’ll also get rid of a bunch of stupid chicks. 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR CATS 

Formerly the neighborhood for rats, this section would 
also be the city dumps. 



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Idol 


CANDY 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR TEENAGERS 

Nothing but gum machines, candy stores, movie thea 
tres and pizzerias. 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR PROTESTERS 

Let the protesters protest to one another and get off 
our backs. 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR HIPPIES 

The most colorful neighborhood in town, if you can 
stand the aroma. 


A NEIGHBORHOOD FOR US 

We've got to hide out somewhere, after articles like 
this. 


Coupon! 

fiAUUNtf- our 

op- a/IUOJNCyS 
WAY 8B- 
INJURIOUS 
TO yt>oR 

HEAUTH 

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LITERATURE 

It's higher education time again, folks. 
The original idea was to revive the pas¬ 
time of joke-telling on the college cam¬ 
pus, to keep the kids from acting up. The 
way things are working out, if it cools 


the teachers, we will have accomplished 
our goal. Anyway, our series of classic 
college jokes and stories have been re¬ 
ceived with such compassion by all, that 
we're going to do it again... 


The Ensicklopedia of 

CLASSIC 

COLLEGE STORIES 


by A1 Kaufman 



m 

tm 


A man took his talented dog into a pro¬ 
ducer’s office and put it through a long rou¬ 
tine of monologues, telling jokes and singing 
musical comedy numbers. 

“Pretty good," said the producer after it 
was all over. “Let’s see her legs." 


The little moron's watch had stopped tick¬ 
ing and he tried to find the trouble. Finally, 
he took the back of it off. looked into the 
works and found a dead bug. "No wonder 
it doesn't work." he said, “the engineer’s 


17 





















mi 


DRACULA’S BABY 

c 


Mrs. Dracula was having a baby, and 
Dracula was pacing the hail as nervously 
and as eageny as any father. The nurse came 
in and handed him a little bundle. 


Two prospective pledges were invited to 
spend the night at a fraternity house and 
were ushered into the "guest room." " You'll 
find this room y ery comfortable the frat 
brother assured them, "it has a feather 


18 



























A theatre usher was astonished to see a 
big, brown bear sitting in the front row 
munching popcorn. 

"Hey. you," he shouted, " you’re a bear. 
What are you doing here?" 

"Why, I enjoyed the book so much." re¬ 
plied the bear, "I thought I'd like to see the 


"I won a prize in kindergarten today." 
boasted little Mary. "The teacher asked me 
how many legs a cow has and I said three." 

"Three legs!" exclaimed her mother. “How 
could you have won the prize?" 

"I came the nearest." 


The valet replied: "Whenever Napoleon 
led his armies into action, he always wore a 
red suit. That way they could never tell if 
he had been wounded and was ^bleeding. " 
"Quick." the Fuehrer ordered, "go get my 
brown pants!" 


During the early years of World War Two, 
Adolph Hitler, in an effort to establish him¬ 
self as a great warrior, decided to lead one 
of his armies into action. 

"What shall I wear?" he asked his valet. 









































A guard from a lunatic asylum rushed up 
to a farmer as he was working in the field 
and gasped, " I'm searching for an escaped 
nut. Did he pass this way?" 

"What did he look like." questioned the 
farmer. 


"He's about 6 feet six. a very fat man 
weighing 35 pounds." 

"That's impossible. How can that be?" 
asked the farmer. 

"Don't be silly." snapped I he guard. "I 
told you he was crazy." 


After he looked the balance of the platoon 
over he 9aid, "High school graduates fall 
out to my left." 


The sergeant called his platoon to atten¬ 
tion. Then he said, "All college graduates 
fall out to my right." 



■ ijtt 

J 1 


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\il 




































LITTLE RED TRUCK 


Two men were flying west in a passenger 
plane, making the first air trips of their 
lives. The plane touched down at Cleveland 
and a little red truck sped out to its side to 
refuel it. The plane landed again at St. Louis 
and again a little red truck sped out to it. 
The third stop was Las Vegas and the same 
thing happened. 


One of the two men looked at his watch 
and turned to his companion. “This plane 
makes wonderful time.” 

“Yep.” said the other, “and that little 
red truck ain’t doin' bad either.” 


Then, with a knowing smile he said. “ The 
college graduates can police the area, pick 
up butts, sweep the walks. The high school 
graduates can scrub down the garbage 
cans.” 


Turning to what was left of the platoon, 
he said. “The rest of you men can stand 
around and learn something.” 


21 









































The Thomas Crown 

Affair 

This DeLuxe Color film is considered escapist fare —both for the 
audience and the men who pull the hold-up of a bank in Boston. It's call¬ 
ed The Thomas Crown Affair and it’s Steve McQueen who wears the 
title crown. 

Faye Dunaway, lips still smarting from Bonnie and Clyde and other 
smack-time hits, is up to her usual tricks in this one, getting off one of 
the longest kisses in screen history. There's even been talk that the kiss 
may be cut and used as a sequel. 

One of the nicest, clean-cut gang of robbers you’ve ever seen is band¬ 
og ed together here for the Job which would wipe out the Boston Mercan- 

£ tile Bank. (Mercantile is an old financial word meaning "it’s in the vault 

£ if you want it.”) 



1—Steve McQueen is a bored Boston industrialist who figures life isn’t dan¬ 
gerous enough. Since he Is too far away from New York to get a thrill by walking 
through Central Park at night, he decides to mastermind a bank holdup. He de¬ 
cided on the bank after turning down a suggestion that he rob the local morgue. 
He said no because he didn’t want to get knocked for a ghoul. 



22 
















2—Now here’s what you call a 
swell bunch of typical American 
boys just lounging around in front 
of a bank. Who would ever suspect 
them of being robbers? They look 
like a bunch of businessmen wait¬ 
ing around for the bank to close so 
they can withdraw some money. 
Would you believe it's Raquel 
Welch behind those Foster Grants? 
These men are just going through 
their parts preliminary to the actual 
job. In fact, they are just on the 
Brinks of robbing the bank. 


I think the 
bank's closed 


No more requests 
for “Three Blind 
Mice,” please. 


The bank's open, 
but Boston's closed 


3—This scene has become stan¬ 
dard fare everywhere. The police 
artist gets a description from the 
victims and sketches a likeness of 
the bandit. Then the bandit artist 
gets a description from the victims 
and sketches a likeness of the po¬ 
liceman. The two exchange pic¬ 
tures and very often this leads to 
romance. Or being apprehended. 
Recently a famous surrealist artist 
was robbed. He gave the police 
artist, another surrealist, the de¬ 
scription. Within 10 minutes the po¬ 
lice came back with a wheelbar¬ 
row. two fried eggs and a bunch of 
grapes. 


No. this guy had 
his hat parted 
in the middle. 









4—Now the wheels of justice 
start turning. One policeman in 
charge of law enforcement ma¬ 
chinery has to get oiled every 
night to keep things turning 
smoothly. Faye Dunaway, (she’s 
the one on the right) is an in¬ 
trepid (pronounced shapely) in¬ 
surance investigator who 
spends most of her time fight¬ 
ing off other agents who keep 
wanting to check her for dam¬ 
ages. Faye is making a valiant 
comeback after Bonnie and 
Clyde, in which she was hit by 
70 bullets. Somebody did a 
fantastic makeup job patching 
up all those holes. 



It’s shocking, disgraceful 
rotten, degrading. 


You both 
shouldn’t have 
. done it. 


5—Dunaway and Paul Burke are hot on the trail. 
They received a tipoff that it was done by a midget 
and are checking things out. It was rumored that the 
robbery was done by the same midget who was 
mugging short order cooks. He’s the fellow who 
went berserk in the Playboy Club’s dressing room 
and suffered serious squeeze injuries. 




6—This is the much talked-about chess game. 
The scene was thrown in gratuitously by a chess 
fan when the action began to slow. Some critics 
said the game was replete with sexual and symbolic 
overtones. But who listens to ushers? Steve Mc¬ 
Queen, about to play the queen, is wearing an ex¬ 
pression left over by Robert Stack from an Untouch¬ 
able segment. Faye Dunaway is not an untouchable. 
Although you can’t see the gown from the front, it’s 
called a chess player's special—one bad move and 
she’s in big trouble. 


24 




I should have 


My lips are chapped 


used a straw 


Well, one more chap 
won’t hurt them. 


7—If you think the chess same scene was much 
talked-about. you should catch this osculation 
scene. This was also talked about—by both par¬ 
ticipants. While the kiss was going on. This is prob¬ 
ably the longest kiss in screen history. While it was 
going on seven ushers were arrested, nine popcorn 
machines were burned and 27 borderline mental 
cases viewing the film on Betterment Day in Boston 
ran pell-mell through the screen. It was their way 
of celebrating Good Citizenship Week by trying to 
get involved. 


8—And so the kiss continues, but not without 
its harmful effects. After the scene Dunaway’s lips 
were sent to summer camp for rest and rehabilita¬ 
tion. while McQueen’s were placed on the critical 
list at the Manhattan Eye. Ear. Nose and Lip Hos¬ 
pital. In theaters throughout the country while this 
scene was going on. collections were taken up and 
contributions sent to the New Jersey Home for the 
Easily Stimulated whose residents are mainly thea¬ 
ter managers. 


I think I’ll take a nap. \ 
She’ll never notice. 


9—Well, we told you it was a long kiss. 
But then you always have a long wait at 
the bus stop. McQueen is using the over¬ 
lip technique taught to him by a one-lip- 
ped gigolo who used to siphon gas from 
parked cars. Dunaway employs the more 
standard Casual Open Gap style in favor 
among short socialites and drive-in wait¬ 
resses. Both contestants were given com¬ 
bat pay for this part of the film. 


You don’t scare me 
I've been to office 
parties before. 


10—Well, you’d think that after all 
that chess playing and kissing a guy 
would give up robbing banks and go 
straight—straight for Faye Dunaway. 
But not McQueen, who’s still bored. But 
we understand he gets bored robbing 
banks and takes up being a bored indus¬ 
trialist once again. In fact, he is so suc¬ 
cessful he is named Chairman of the 
Bored, which takes up lots of people— 
audiences throughout the country. 







MORE MOVIES 

Crime hits a new high (or a new low) depend¬ 
ing on which side of the law you’re on, as Frank 
Sinatra leaves the gambling casinos of Las 
Vegas to play a real out-of-character role— 
a cop; a straight role with no singing, except 


for the stool pigeons. This picture pulls no 
punches—leaving Frankie with four front teeth 
missing this time. The story line is in the neo- 
realistic tradition, dealing with theft, murder, 
sex and depravity—it’s about a boy and his 
dog. 


The Defective 



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Script by Fred Wolfe Art by The Professor 


The story opens in the 
“consultation room" of 
the 39th Precinct, where 
Lieutenant Frankie Baby 
is advising a law breaker 
of his constitutional 
rights. 


All right, you crumb, 
come across, or I’ll break 
every bone in your con¬ 
stitution! 


Oh, no, you don't! You'll 
buy! I’m looking for cus¬ 
tomers, not competition! 


What’s that? You’ve got 
a case? Scotch? 


My option runs out. 
Listen, Lieutenant, this 
is a murder case. This 
guy, Bruce Strangeways, 
was shot, beaten, 
poisoned and strangled- 
all on different nights. 


Hello, Lieutenant? This 
is the chief. I’ve got a 
sensational case for you, 
but you've got to crack 
it in 24 hours. 


Come on, Dino, get off 
the line! I'm busy! 


Desk? Put that other 
call through. 


What happens after 24 
hours? 
















■9 










OvVft 


Chief? Have we got any 
leads? 


By the way, Frankie, 
your wife called to make 
a date. 


Yeah, the coroner says 
that all the other rough 
stuff was a smokescreen; 
microscopic examination 
reveals that Strangeways 
was actually stabbed to 
death by a pansy. So go 
to some of their haunts 
and see if you can roust 
out the killer. 


You’ll go far in the 
department! Good luck, 
kid, and don’t take any 
wooden suspects! 


Frankie Baby goes to the 
"Gay Blade," a Greenwich 
Village club, chock full 
of guys who all have 
switched, rather than 
fight in Vietnam. 


Hi, Frankie Baby! 


Say, Frank, who's that 
wild broad? 


That’s my wife. She’s 
got this problem. 




She’s got a problem? 
Frankie, don’t you mind 
her going out with other 
men? 


You want the Staten 
Island Ferry?— 
Speaking, sweetie! 


Sorry, there are two 
darling boys coming, I'll 
have to cut you off. 


Why should I? She 
always keeps Fridays 
open. Okay, Clancy, let’s 
speak to the bartender, 
Mabel, maybe she/he 
knows something. 


Did you hear that, 
Clancy? "Cut you off,” 
he said! We’ve found our 
stabber! 









































Back at headquarters, 
Frankie decides to use 
psychological torture, in 
order to extract a con¬ 
fession from the bar¬ 
tender, Mabel Froot. 


All right, Froot, you’re 
a hard customer to crack. 
I guess I’ll have to use 
the ultimate weapon. 
Clancy, bring in my wife! 




Okay, Froot, either you 
talk or we take away 
your sequined Tee-shirt! 


I think I’d like my cell 
done in cerise! 


Icch! Stop! This is 
police brutality! All right, 
already, I’ll confess! Only 
take her away! 


A truckdriver? But I 
thought the coroner said 
Strangeways was stabbed 
by a pansy? 


So we fried the wrong 
guy? Oh, well, that’s 
show-biz! 


There, I’ve finally got 
what I always wanted— 
law, order, justice, and 
most important of all — 
a promotion! 


Fie was—with a plastic 
pansy fountain-pen! They 
had a fight over a new 
hauling contract and this 
guy stabbed Strange¬ 
ways-right on the dotted 
line! 


“With the exception of 
poor Mabel, here 
It was a very good year! 


Frankie Baby, the joke’s 
on us. Froot is innocent! 
This truckdriver did it. 


1 v: > 





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“I have only one vice and his name is Spiro”—Richard Nixon 


All The News 
That Fits, We Print 


FINAL EDITION 


SIGNIFICANT 


LESS CIRCULATION 
THAN ANY OTHER PAPER 
IN AMERICA 


WEATHER 


NEWS OF THE WEAK 



This conversation is 
costing money. You know 
Martine is famous. When 
she walks through Wall 
Street she fights 
depression. She makes 
brokers jump up INTO 
windows. 


Sorry, we're charging 
now. $430 for the first 
five minutes. That’s 10 
dollars an inch. 


Let’s hope she’ll stop 
growing or no one can 
afford to talk to her. 


I’d like to set up an 
interview with Martine 
Twiceberg. I’m with Field 
and Wild Life 
Development. 






Okay, I’ll be over with the 
cash. We’ll take it out of 
the magazine's treasure 
chest.. . 


And put it into ours 


Script by Bill Majeski 


VoL 1 No. 1 New York, N.Y. 10017, December 32nd. 1963 

NEWS ITEM: 

Buxom computer operator on Wall Street measuring 43 inches, 
causes fantastic uproar simply by walking past thousands of finan¬ 
cial area workers on her lunch hour wearing a yellow sweater. Her 
uncle has taken over as representative to capitalize on the publicity. 










SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL POLICE... 

Commit Your Crime Out-of-Town! 


NEWS ITEM: 



New Orleans-Policemen's wives are up in arms because of a new order 
which requires policemen to ride on patrol in their cars with 
policewoman. I 


Wait here, Miss Klink, 
I'll check this building. 


No. Impersonating an 
officer. 


On what charge? 
Molesting?Assault? 


Sergeant, 

I want him 
booked. 























NEWS ITEM: 


Rock Island, III.—Two inmates of the county jail here were married today. 
Both bride and groom wore handcuffs. 



i- 

I now pronounce you 

hood and moll...er, bal 
and chain...er...man 
and wife. 


Take us to the nearest 
locksmith, please. And 
hurry! 



The peoples’ car 
gets 30 miles a 
gallon going to the 
left, and 4 miles 
a gallon swinging 
to the right. 


The name Red 
Flag aptly 
describes the 
vehicle. Over 30 
miles an hour, it 
waves. 


The Red Flag 
comes with an 
armored front 
bumper, just right 
for smashing 
through barriers 
to escape to a 
democratic 
country. 


For an additional 
$350, you get a 
strong Chinaman 
who’ll lift up the 
front end and 
carry you every¬ 
where, rickshaw- 
style. 


NEWS ITEM: 

The Chinese Communists have invented a new 
type of family automobile called the Red Flag 


The Red Flag 
comes with an 
ejection seat for 
people not sharing 
your idealogical 
beliefs. 


The car most 
nearly resembles 
a factory reject 
Edsel. 


Comes equipped 
with Instant Snap- 
on Ski Runners 
for that sudden, 
unplanned, spur- 
of-the-moment 
Siberia trip. 









It alarmed me, man in 
blue. 


The music's too loud. And 
I hate Montavani 


Oh, I’m sorry. I suppose 
that was rather a sudden 
move. 


Hennessy! Turn down the 
Muzak. 

I’m not much for 
Montavani either. If you 
don’t mind, I'd like to 
have your name. Just in 
case someone asks. 


Well, it has to do with 
this blood-spattered 
jacket I’m wearing. 


Did it with my Boy Scout 
hatchet 1 . Carved him into 
248 pieces. 


Yes, I noticed that. 
Thought maybe you had 
killed a turkey or 
something. Ha-ha-ha. 


■HI 

mumm 














■IFrrJmfi 

i ii: < -jvvi i h l' {iM i y. 111 






■’ w 

Besides, my faux pas, is 
everything else all right? 

mmilm 


























Wow, 248!? That sounds 
like a new record. 

Oh, there I go again. I’ve 
been having so much 
trouble with my teeth 
lately. Prisoners keep 
belting me in the mouth. 


I’ve always had good luck 
with the turkey. 


You serve any food 
around this place? 


I’m sick of Turkey 


Oh yes, I remember 
248 pieces. 


Of course, we do. What 
kind of station house do 
you think this is? 
Officer, seat our visitor 
over there right betweeh 
Mad Dog Benson and 
that young up-and-coming 
extortionist. 


Everything on the menu 
is a dollar-fifty. Drinks, 
sandwiches, everything. 


This is Doris our bunny 
captain! 


I don’t like redheads 


Hennessy, bring in Dixie. 
She's a blonde from the 
deep South. Great 
accent. You’ll love her. 


What do you recommend? 


Please, Harry, none of 
that. Our bunnies aren’t 
allowed to date patrons. 

Tell you what though, 
we'll call ahead and see 
if we can arrange a nice 
room for you at the 
prison. Something facing 
the YWCA. 


There, there. It’s been a 
long day. Lie down here. 


Sounds fine. You know, 
I’m pretty tired. 
Especially my pitching 
arm. I’m hatchet-weary. 


What??? Well, okay. 
Hennessy, give me a B 
flat, please. 


. AND GOOD 
NIGHT. .. 


33 












NEWS ITEM: 

An African dance troupe featuring topless dancers has been ordered 
to stop the girls from doing the vigorous dances which are resulting 
in “pain, discomfort and injuries” to the young topless dancers. 



From now on I don't 
want these girls to do 
these wild dances. 
They’re causing too many 
injuries 


Injuries? To the girls? 


NEWS ITEM: 

A group of students at all-male Princeton University has demanded 
that the school be converted into a coeducational institution “as 
soon as possible.” 



How soon' 


How about tonight? 


We insist, Professor 
Musgrave, that in keeping 
with the modern trends 
and today’s social 
movements, we turn 
Princeton into a 
coeducational institution. 


Purely in the name of 
educational growth, 
institutional fulfillment 
and academic 
advancement, we ask that 
you recruit girls for our 
school as soon as 
possible. 
































STATEMENT OK OWNERSHIP. MANAGE¬ 
MENT AND CIRCULATION t Act of October 23. 
1962; Section 4369. United States Code). 

1. DATE OK KILING: OCT. 1. 1968, 2 TITLE 
OF PUBLICATION: “SICK” MAGAZINE 3 FRF. 
QUENCY OF ISSUE: 8 regular issues per year and 
2 annuals 4 LOCATION OK KNOWN OFFICE OK 
PUBLICATION: 414 Madison Avenue. New York. 
New York 10022. 5. LOCATION OF THE HEAD 
QUARTERS OR GENERAL BUSINESS OF 
KICKS OF THE PUBLISHERS < not printers ): 444 
Madison Avenue. New York. New York 10022. 

6 NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF PUB 
I ISHER. EDITOR. AND MANAGING EDITOR. 
PUBLISHER HEWKRED PUBLICATIONS. 
INC.. 444 Madison Avenue. New York. New York 
10022, EDITOR: Philip Hirsch, 444 Madison Ave¬ 
nue. New York, New York 10022, MANAGING ED¬ 
ITOR: None. 

7. OWNER i If owned by a corporation, its name 
nnd address must be stated and also immediately 
thereunder the names and addresses of stockholders 
owning or holding 1 percent or more of total amount 
of stock. If not owned by a corporation, the names 
and addresses of the individual owners must be 
given. If owned by a partnership or other unincor¬ 
porated firm, its name and address, as well ns that 
of each individual must be given.) 

NAME: PYRAMID PUBLICATIONS.INC. AD¬ 
DRESS: 444 Madison Avenue. New York. New York 
10022. Alfred R. Plnine. Chairman of the Board and 
Treasurer. 444 Madison Avenue, New York. New 
York 10022; Matthew Huttner, President. 444 Madi¬ 


son Avenue. New York, New York 10022. 

8 KNOWN BONDHOLDERS, MORTGAGEES. 
OND OTHER SECURITY' HOLDERS OWNING 
OR HOLDING 1 PERCENT OR MORE OF 
TOTAL AMOUNT OF BONDS. MORTGAGES OR 
OTHER SECURITIES i If there are none, so state): 
None. 

9 Paragraphs 7 and 8 include, in cases where the 
stockholder or security holder appears upon the 
books of the company as trustee or in any other 
fiduciary relation, the name of the person or cor¬ 
poration for whom such trustee is acting, also the 
statements in the two paragraphs show the affiant’s 
full knowledge and belief as to the circumstances 
and conditions under which stockholders and secur¬ 
ity holders who do not appear upon the books of the 
company as trustees, hold stock nnd securities in a 
capacity other than tnat of a bona fide owner. Names 
and addresses of individuals who are stockholders 
of a corporation which itself is a stockholder or holder 
of bonds, mortgages or other securities of the pub¬ 
lishing corporation have been included in paragraphs 
7 and 8 when the interests of such individuals are 
equivalent to 1 percent or more of the total amount 
of the stock or securities of the publishing corporation 

10. THIS ITEM MUST BE COMPLETED FOR 
ALL PUBLICATIONS EXCEPT THOSE WHICH 
DO NOT CARRY ADVERTISING OTHER THAN 
THE PUBLISHER'S OWN AND WHICH ARE 
NAMED IN SECTIONS 132,231. 132.232. AND 
132.233, POSTAL MANUAL .Sections 4355a. 
4355b. and 4356 of Title 39. United States Code). A. 
TOTAL NO COPIES PRINTED (Net Press Run) 


Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceeding 
12 Months: 288,718, Single Issue Nearest to Filing 
Date: 310,325 B PAID CIRCULATION - 1. 
SALES THROUGH DEALERS AND CARRIERS. 
STREET VENDORS AND COUNTER SALES. 
Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 
Months: 280,718.Single Issue Nearest to Filing Date: 
307,110. 2. MAIL SUBSCRIPTIONS. Average No. 
Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 Months: 
185. Single Issue Nearest to Filing Date: 400. C. 
TOTAL PAID CIRCULATION. Average No. Cop¬ 
ies Each Issue During Preceding 12 Months: 280,903. 
Single Iaaue Nearest to Filing Date: 307,510. D. 
FREE DISTRIBUTION (including samples. BY 
MAIL, CARRIER OR OTHER MEANS Average 
No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 Months: 
125. Single Issue Nearest to Filing Date: 000. E. 
TOTAL DISTRIBUTION (Sum of C and D). Aver¬ 
age No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 
Months: 281,028. Single Issue Nearest to Filing 
Date: 307,510. F. OFFICE USE, LEFT-OVER. UN¬ 
ACCOUNTED. SPOILED AFTER PRINTING 
Average No. Copies Each Issue During Preceding 12 
Months: 7.690. Single Issue Nearest to Filing Date: 
2.815. G. TOTAL (Sum of E and F-ahould equal net 
press run shown in A). Average No. Copies Each 
Issue During Preceding 12 Months: 288,718. Single 
Issue Nearest to Filing Date: 310,325. 

I certify that the statements made by me above 
are correct and complete. 

(Signature of editor, publisher, business manager, or 
owner) (S') Alfred R. Plaine 







In our last issue SICK exposed the shocking conditions in hospitals today. As a result, we 
received a lot of letters. Many were from hospitals, exposing the shocking conditions in SICK. 

But the majority were from our readers who complained that we didn’t offer any constructive 
criticism. They felt we should do something positive about it. 

And so, in this issue, we’re attempting something positive. We’re offering suggestions on 
things that hospitals can come up with in the future; things that will improve existing con¬ 
ditions; things that will make them better places in which to recuperate; and mainly, things 
that will fill up two more pages on this sickening topic, as SICK presents... 

FUTURE ADVANCES IN MEDICINE 


Art by B. Wiseman Script by Paul Laikin 













SPORTS-CAR AMBULANCES 


DOCTORS’ LITTLE BLACK 
ATTACHE CASES 


CHICKEN SOUP THAT CONTAINS PENICILLIN 


MORE FIGHTING OVER MEDICAIRE 


NEHRU STRAIT-JACKETS 


NO MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS 


37 









Resident Hater, Charles Rod¬ 
rigues once more takes pen in 
hand to vent his frustrations on 
our sick society. "People are 
ridiculous," Charles comments, 
“last week I threw my cigar away 
in the street and a bum picked it 
up and gave it back to me, mum¬ 
bling ‘you mind taking another 
puff on this cigar, I’m trying to 
cut down.”’ 

Charlie is against open hous¬ 
ing—"every house must have a 
roof,” he asserts. Despite his un¬ 
deniable talent, great art mas¬ 
terpieces hold little favor in his 
tastes. “All I can say about Venus 
De Milo,” says Charles, “she 
didn't have to worry about un¬ 
derarm perspiration." 

This is— 



“Okay, Sylvester, peel some rubber! 


The Poisoned Pen of 

4 % ^ 



38 


"Are you gentlemen sure you have the correct office? 
The Congressman is not from a lumbering district ..." 




And then one day I came home 
and found a note on the living 
room table ... ‘Joe,' it said. ‘the 
children and I are going away 
forever .." 


Oh, no you don’t! You're not abandoning 
that car in my place!” 


TROPICAL 

















The airlines are conducting a massive advertising 
campaign extolling the glories of their new second- 
class accommodations. But with the overcrowding 
of the nation’s airlanes, the shortage of jetports, 
competition from unscheduled airlines, strikes and 
hijacking, what does the future really hold for slogans 


art by Don Orehek script by Fred Wolfe 


"SUPERB 





LIKE IT REALLY IS 


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50 


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